S3 Ep. 32 - Lifeboat

Race the rudders!

Raise the sails!

Raise the sales!

Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching.

Over.

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Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors.

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Good morning, and welcome to Flight 666666666 to Peachyville, Nebraska.

Thank you.

As we conclude our boarding process, we invite you to sit back and relax as we review the safety features of this Durlith HP-46 aircraft.

At this time, all personal wards and amulets should be safely sewed in the seat back in front of you as they may interfere with the aircraft's glyph of protection.

Once airborne, we'll let you know when you can pray to approved old and elder gods, but please know that some prayers may not be uttered at any time.

You can find a list of approved rites and rituals in the in-flight information section of the Sky Mall Nomicon.

There are 12 M101 howitzer kins on this plane, five on each side of the main deck and one on each side of the sacrifice deck.

Please take a moment to locate the howitzer closest to your seat and keep in mind your closest howitzer may be behind you.

In the event of a mid-air collision, these howitz may be clung to and fired downward to slow your descent into the Atlantic Ocean.

To operate an M101 howitzer, please retrieve the 105mm shell from under your seat, load it into the breach, adjust range if necessary, and fire.

Be sure to fire your howitzer before helping others.

If you're sitting in the howitzer row and are unwilling or unable to operate an M101 howitzer, or if you suffer from the dreaded curse of the worm, please let us know and we'll be happy to find you a seat on the sacrifice deck.

Once again, welcome aboard Flight 666-666-666 to Beachyville.

And from all of us on your flight crew today, thanks for flying the friendly skies.

Flight tents, prepare doors for departure and cross-check.

Well, in the Dungeons and Daddies.

Not a BDSM podcast.

A Beachy one.

Every episode there's more spite in your voice when you say Nada.

Not a BDSM podcast.

This is what we're playing.

This show is not a BDSM podcast.

This is all right.

This season we're playing Call of Cthulhu.

Will is our DM.

And this is called the Peachyville Horror.

This is a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Blake Lively.

The

you even forget because you punched your mic over there.

I'm so excited for fucking why you're

can't.

I can't wait to hear about Blake's Mike Puncher.

Punch your Arnold over there.

Tyson's Mike Punch.

Dude, I can beat Matt Tyson's Mike Puncher fucking blindly.

When you go up against Plosive Popinsky, you know

Tyson's Mike Punch.

Oh, shit.

This week's Blake Lively Fact:

of all the bodies of water, he prefers the oceans the least because in his words, it is simply too salty.

That's it.

Okay.

Drop a look at that body.

It's so salty.

It's full of salt.

We're fucking a killing of this episode already.

Shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're in a vehicle right now that's moving, buckle up because this episode is all over.

Gonna be a good

dumbbell.

No, we're exhausted from trying to make each other laugh for an hour before we start.

We were trying to save you all from that talk, but now we're here.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grabber.

Peachyville is the happiest and snappiest school mom.

And you know, she always says, What?

What?

Teaching her children is the greatest joy of my life until 3 p.m.

In which case, leave me alone.

Nice.

Yep.

Little fact about Kelsey.

School doesn't even get out till 4.

Yep.

Teachers check out around 3, the same time that kids do.

That last hour is her time.

A little fact about Kelsey is with everything that's been going on, she hasn't had a lot of time to self-reflect, but she did do enough that she is tired of living one letter at a time.

And if she does survive this, she is not waiting.

And she's buying a cat, a dog, an emu, and a ferret all at once.

She's getting all of her pets and she'll keep going, but she's not waiting anymore.

That's all.

Into that little apartment that she's living in?

You know, Ross has got a backyard, so they can talk.

Emu in the backyard.

Emu in the the backyard.

Whatever.

And, you know, there's probably a G animal, but right now four is good.

Right now, four is good.

Wait, goose.

Okay.

Goose.

Gorilla.

Gerbal.

Gerbal.

She's getting

now, too.

Nice.

Can you imagine, like,

I don't know.

Say you've been dating someone for a couple years and you're getting pretty serious and you're thinking about like,

you know, like what your future looks like together.

And then you're like, yeah, babe, we're going to have a nice house with a white picket fence and Mimu in the backyard and then she's like what and what do you mean yeah and then you know you just you would be in hot water then i think

we're living

that starts with and all the boys are working on something really difficult right now and animal that starts no no googling

all right just stop the podcast google with our mind

normal thank god that's why you have a woman on the podcast it's so important to have diverse viewpoints orangutan as you say orang thing Platypus.

Sorry.

Quakka.

Quaka.

Quaka, of course.

Kwaka, yeah.

Reindeer.

Raccoon.

Snake.

What is

all right?

Just go.

We're so close.

We're so close.

We're so close.

Water dice.

Umbrella.

There's got to be some animal that has umbrella in it.

Urchin.

Let's see urchin.

Urchin.

Okay.

Just urchin is all pasta.

Misty twist here.

Vampire bat.

That feels like.

That's the name of the bat.

That's the name of the bat.

That feels like an adjective.

No, no, it's called a vampire bat.

Wait, wait.

It's not a bat, and they say, that one's vampire-y.

Like, the name of the bat is vampire bison.

W, water bison.

Walrus.

X-O-No.

Oh, it's that one.

That's that one.

Hey, you're criticizing Matt for doing vampire bat, and then you come up with water bison.

Your honor, the prosecute.

Your honor, the prosecution established precedent.

Oh, this guy.

Isn't that wonderful?

There's that thing that looks like a deer that starts with an X, right?

What is that fucking thing?

What is it?

Yeah, it's got X in it.

I don't think we're going to be okay.

Let's let this dangle, and then somebody in like 20 minutes and we'll say it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I just say really quick?

Just informal.

Informal straight up fucking

Z, bro.

We just need X.

No, informal.

But I will say this.

When you type into Google, animal starting with the top letters are X is the first one that everyone's worried about.

U, which we passed passed with flying colors.

S.

We said urchin.

Yeah.

And then the rip of like, an urchin is for score fucking score.

S.

Which would we say for S?

Snake S.

And the animal starting with N.

But X shows on the X.

It took a while.

N was hard.

Was X.

Whose turn did we get?

I got no an X.

We did the other one.

Just give it to me.

No, no.

No.

No.

No.

Yo, this podcast is all about the terror of the unknown, Matt.

If someone without Googling.

If someone without Googling gives me an ex-animal before the end of the episode, an honor system on this, you'll get a triple.

I'm going to tell you right now, that's not going to happen.

That's not going to happen.

Oh, is there like non-animal without?

Fucking Freddy cheated.

I'm just looking at the bad.

That's why all those fucking alphabet books always put like fox.

They do.

I don't think there's an ex-animal.

There are, but it's just like they got long ass fucking.

I bet if you had a pet animal with really sharp fangs, like a shark or something, but it was a pet, you could name him Xacto, and that would be kind of like an animal.

They would come after you for copyright, but then

it's me.

It's me now.

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid in the ocean who almost died, but didn't quite, but might again.

I have two Francis facts.

One breaks the fourth wall, one doesn't.

The first one that doesn't break the fourth wall is that I mentioned earlier that Francis is worried that God hates him because God sees him masturbating.

And now that he knows that the powers that be exist, and that's multiple gods, he's like 10 times more terrified than they've all been watching him.

And that's why they made a big dick go down in the middle of the world.

He feels like he's responsible for this with all the jorking he did.

Oh, no.

The age of no fap has begun.

Four ball breaking one is, if you are interested in vacationing outside of this country, let's say, I would start applying now because it often takes an average of 12 to 18 months for that country to approve your vacation request.

You can do digital analysis.

I'm not sure I've gone to places before, though.

You must be very privileged then.

Yeah, there's digital visas you will get.

Canada has a point system.

You know, great places to spend a little bit of time temporarily and not for the rest of your life.

So my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, homemaker in the ocean, mother of one child that she really needs to work on that relationship with.

This is an ex-parrot.

Is that something?

No.

Cut it.

What do you mean, ex-parrot?

During the dumb

python.

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not as sorry as I am.

It depends.

Are you doing a podcast?

You're trying to get a fucking laugh at a middle school lunch table in 1998.

Weren't you the guy that saw Austin Powers the first first time when he was like 16 and tried to bring it back?

Go ahead, Beth.

Fun fact about Trudy is that, yes, she homeschools her children, or as she likes to call it, engages in machine learning.

32 episodes, you're still killing her.

It's a tremendous power drain for her to do that, though.

Yes.

Yeah.

But not as much as you think nowadays.

I think a French language model joke.

Look, if Terra Swoop can fly her jet to a concert, I can make a picture of her flying jet to the concert.

Holy shit.

Oh, shit.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I am your daddy master.

I am your minister of doom or whatever.

And I'm the one.

Wait, there's the name for her.

What are you?

Keeper.

You're the keeper.

You're the keeper.

I'm daddy's keeper.

I'm your father's keeper.

And my spooky fact for you today.

It's my favorite part.

Yeah.

The bloop, the source of a mysterious rumble.

For the longest time, this fucking sound that got picked up in the ocean and they were like, it's like the loudest, largest sound ever made.

They were like, this was organic in nature.

So for the longest time, until science ruined everything, everyone was like, there's a big, scary monster at the bottom of the ocean that made the bloop.

That's what they're like,

the fucking glacier fell into the ocean.

Oh, he spoiled it.

I mean, that's cooler than the fucking wow signal from space.

What's with with the wow signal?

Wait, don't tell me.

It was a signal that was so loud and high.

The guy wrote, wow, wow, like, there must be aliens.

And then they're like, nah, guy used the microwave in the break room.

Wow.

I can't wait for my hot burrito.

Wow.

Half of this is cold.

All right.

Do you guys want to?

Let's do it.

We're in the fucking middle of the ocean next to a dick.

I have no fucking clue how you guys are going to get it.

We're next.

We're in the ocean.

This is partially your job.

just to remind everyone of some important things that have been happening you all a couple episodes ago were in a big scary goo chamber you guys were all in mock man's goo chamber and you had interesting dreams

matt kelsey dreamed that she saw milton hiding in his closet while his mother was defending him while the fucking door to their house is breaking down milton told you about this spooky book that he found yeah that had the lists of the date of everyone's death in peachyville but the only name that wasn't there was yours And all of the names at the end of the book seem to be dying dot, dot, dot, two days from now.

But not me.

But not you, but you don't know.

But it is also weird that.

Or you die earlier.

Shit.

Yeah, you don't know.

What are the five things that are on my bracelet?

It is an eye,

a peach,

a compass, an eggplant emoji, a lock, the squirting water.

That's funny.

And a skull.

Another squirting water, believe it or not.

And a birthday cake.

And one of those ones where it just says the word cool.

Wait, does birthday cake have like a separate meaning?

I don't know.

Okay.

If you get eight pine emoji and birthday cake, you got a good time when you get home.

Like, what else could it mean?

I put my dick in your cake.

But yes, you are aware that if Milton's notebook, which is Neri missed once so far, is right, everyone in Peachyville will die.

Yes.

At the end of the day, tomorrow.

So Zuzal will win and the powers that be will die.

Well, assuming, this is what I'm deducing.

Oh, you know,

will die.

Yes.

Blake,

you had a spiritual connection, all of that scene in Kung Fu Banda where the old man dies with Ambristor, who tried to teach you the gun katas but failed.

But you asked him if there was any way out of this crisis that you find yourselves in.

And he gave you one last cryptic hint.

And he told you to seek.

the sinking light.

What could it possibly mean?

We'll come up this episode.

I don't know.

Maybe.

We'll see.

We'll find out.

That would be maybe why I said it up here so that you'd remember it.

Francis Astral projected back to Peachyville and saw the shit was going down.

People were getting rounded up.

It was bad vibes.

You also went to the Dr.

Doggs.

You went to Dr.

Dog's official.

I've already gotten the key out, and then her assistant was actually working for the bison, so I killed him and he dropped the key.

And as far as I know, that's where it still is.

Yes.

Trudy didn't get it one.

I didn't get a recap.

Well, you didn't.

I mean, you've been like, you've been good.

You were bad.

No, it's just Trudy to bring us back up to speed.

Mothman fixed fixed you up.

You got a heart-to-heart with your son.

Relish Wet showed up and blew up the ship.

Yeah.

You're done, Trudy.

If this is an RPG and you look at, like, a lot of RPGs have like relationship trackers, like you scroll down, you're like, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy.

Okay, I got it all.

It's good.

We're done.

We're done.

We've done that.

We're going to give you daily gifts.

We're done with Trudy.

That's the first thing I've ever heard.

Trudy didn't have any logic.

There were dialogue treaties to unlock.

Yeah, there's no Trudy didn't have any load-bearing plot points that needed to be reminded of that.

Because Will knows I can't be trusted with that.

I can't remember the five things I was supposed to remember.

The five things you're supposed to remember when you have it.

It's another way.

Turn a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

What do you want to do?

We were singing.

There's a beer on the wall.

Nice bottles of beer.

You take one down and pass it around.

What do you guys think?

Somebody's going to home in on Trudy's signal.

Trudy, are you broadcasting your signal?

What do you mean broadcast?

You're like a radio also, right?

You're like everything.

You're a robot.

Thank you.

I do think I have a nice singing voice.

I got a question for you guys.

Yeah.

What's up?

What makes you think that the crazy world out there cares about five squares in a lifeboat?

What makes you even think about it?

We're just throwing out lines for you to pick up at your leisure.

It sounds like, you know, if anyone's going to save us, it's going to be us, right?

I don't think we can wait on anybody to take care of this situation.

Of course.

What are you saying this?

Who is this?

Yeah, it's Timmy.

It's me, Timmy.

Ah, hello, okay.

Come on, Francis.

Okay, Timmy, what's your idea?

My idea is I, hey, my idea is we should think of an idea instead of singing it out.

Oh, the visionary.

You have a concept of a plan.

That's Francis.

Timmy, that's a good idea.

Sometimes the best way to frame an idea.

Hey, Francis, boys.

I don't like you.

Okay, boys.

That's fine.

I don't like you, Francis.

You're pushing my body.

It doesn't matter to me.

I say we solve this with a fight.

No,

no, no.

No, no, no.

No.

Nope.

Nope.

No, we're not going to fight.

We're going to learn about each other.

Trudy, Kelsey.

Trudy, Kelsey, with all due respect.

Excuse me.

I was in a boat.

With you guys right now.

I don't know why I use the past tense.

And so we don't really have have a way out of here.

And yes, I agree, Timmy.

We should find a way.

But when else are we going to be at the edge of the apocalypse with, you know, the five people that mean most to us?

And for...

That doesn't mean anything to me.

I don't like that.

Listen, Timmy, I'm in the same boat as you, literally.

But

I like you so much.

I just think we should get to know each other a bit.

With your fists.

This is the way of men.

Timmy, what's your favorite color?

Red.

I mean, you should know that.

Oh, I mean,

I know.

Is that anything like parents have to know?

No, I know.

I know I should know it.

I'm sorry.

For the record, the night sky.

What?

What?

Wow.

That's my favorite color.

The color of the night sky.

You know what, Francis?

No, that's good.

That's good.

What's your favorite color, Francis?

Yes, Francis, what's your favorite color?

What's your favorite color?

As I've mentioned before, I'm colorblind, so blue, because it's the only one I know what it looks like.

All right, that's kind of cool.

Thank you.

We're building bridges.

Okay, everybody done building bridges.

Everybody's good?

Well, what do we have?

What is the equipment and the things that we have that we could use

an astral project but i can only astral project so far when i'm sleeping wait what oh yeah is that not a thing i told you i could do that saved us but sorry what

and you've got hmm what else let me think you've got a cursed gun that kills people yeah i don't love that oh francis yeah this cursed gun of yours might have fenced you turned into a spear but yes cursed weapon let us just say Could you perhaps turn it into a Civil War-era Gatling gun and use it to propel our boat across the Atlantic at very quick speeds.

I think previously I used it as a howitzer and gave up all my luck in order to do so.

So I don't know if I want to go back to that well again.

And didn't it sink where Osama bin Laden is?

Oh, yeah.

It did.

Britt Hill's back on your back.

Did she speak her gun?

She's spear form.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

we turned that sharp end away from the raft.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

In fact, can it turn back into a gun?

Yes, it turns back into a gun.

I mean, you can still pop the raft in a different way.

Yeah, yeah, shooting is less likely than just being.

Do you want me to pop so raft?

It would be so funny if we all sank.

You know, I can use the shoulder guard to like row a little bit.

That'll make me feel like I'm doing something.

Or just shoot the gun a lot and then make the boat go fast.

She does have limited ammo.

Also, when Brunel turns to the gun, Blake goes, Huh.

Is there anything else in this raft?

I looked at this.

I did a lot of research about what this raft happened.

Instead of figuring out what this episode was going to happen, I went down a rabbit hole on the survival gear that you would find in a raft like this.

Excellent.

Among the many things you find, this is literally written on the tin, is you find a box of survival rations, which is enough to feed one man for six days or six men for one day.

Okay.

Kelsey for three days.

So like

infinitely.

And this is a fun fact.

It's mostly filled with candy because like they would use candy because like that was the sugar that would.

Yes.

Are there little paddles?

Yeah, we'll say you got two paddles.

Okay.

While Francis has been complaining, we're not doing anything.

Kelsey has been rowing.

Okay, which direction are you rowing?

Away from the dick.

Okay, good.

As far away from the dick as possible.

Okay.

And that's what we've been doing.

And just so you know, your mother was singing to help me with the rhythm.

I mean, she could help by actually rowing but at least we are trying to do something okay all right you have access to zuzel in your mind right you can talk to him yeah

so actually kelsey oh there's an empty hole in your consciousness where zuzel used to be he's splitsville no you have to say like you haven't seen hide nor air of him after he tried to give you that goodbye smooch and you closed the door on him yeah well i i have half of an idea if we could use trudy's like internal mechanisms to like make a radio and find some way to like, I don't know, I could like astrally project a a booster signal i don't know something but if we can contact somebody back in peachyville and tell them where the blue key is then we'll have all the keys we need to kill zozell which means we have leverage over him so we could like make him save us maybe or make him you know do i don't know so really quick just i want to save us and i think you may all know this but right now the situation is i think all of peachyville is going to die Yeah.

But if Peachyville dies, the world is saved.

Yeah.

And if we stop Peachyville from dying, the whole world's going to end, which would mean also Peachyville.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You were arguing against this exact line of logic when I was talking about it.

No, no, no.

I'm just stating the situation just so that we understood.

I personally don't mind if Peachyville dies if the rest of the world is.

I mean, I mine, but like, I'm willing to accept it.

But I'm trying for a third option.

Yeah, it's the best of the two options, but I can't.

Those are my students.

And I mean, I guess then all my students would die anyways.

I am with Kelsey.

Peachyville must be saved.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm down to try.

Yeah, we should try.

And I don't know if Zuzel, I mean, Zuzel seems pretty one-shot-bited.

by it.

I don't know.

Well, he doesn't want to die.

He doesn't want to die.

True.

Wait, wait, really quick.

For Zuzel to even appear, Peachyville's already died, right?

Yes, in the act of summoning him, they sacrifice a bunch of

space.

Also, to clarify, just so we have it on the record, Arlo explained to you that the three keys activate a weapon that will destroy whatever is in the ritual chamber, which is the thing that Zuzel is birthed out of, which is what killed Doni.

Mother.

Mother.

Mother.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, this is good.

Timmy, you seem to know a lot about this.

if somebody turns the keys, Zuzel appears or does it appear?

It's not appeared.

What I remember from when my mom was brilliantly recapping the whole adventure that you guys have been on without missing a single detail.

Yes.

And you know, when I was listening to

you, you call her your mom.

Huh?

Oh,

she's my mom.

Yeah.

I got complicated feelings about her, but she's my mom.

That's a step.

Hey, Francis, when I want to hear what an asshole thinks, I'll fart.

No.

Sweetie, that's a really good one.

I can't complain about that one.

Putting that one in my back pocket.

This is what I want to know.

If we do nothing, Zuzel arises or Zuzel doesn't arise.

If we all sit on our ass out here in the ocean,

it seems like this cult back in town will sacrifice everybody and that will cause Zuzel to appear and fight the powers that be, this big space wiener in the sky.

Okay, so we do nothing, the world will save, but Peachyville's dead.

Yeah.

But again, who knows, right?

Did we ever hear like what Zuzel does afterward?

Did he just like hang out?

So So he seems to have left me.

I can't really talk to him.

Yeah, I'm just trying to remember if we ever learned what would happen after he fought the powers of the bee.

Nah, he didn't really talk about after that sounds like a pretty bad situation too.

Maybe he like makes the whole world like his like slaves or something.

Yeah, he just like runs everything.

Stuff like that.

Maybe when dealing with all powerful beings, we can never be too sure.

Maybe we all turn into ants or something and we're stuck in an ant body for the rest of our lives and we're just ants in an anthill.

Oh man, I'd be so strong though.

Well, we're rowing away from the dick, which is is not really a direction.

Blake, have you figured out which direction this is?

Based on the position of the sun in the southern hemisphere, we are in the northern hemisphere.

And based on the time...

Hey,

this is geo-guesser meta, Will.

Sun's out.

Keep going.

You're doing great.

Blake, imagine this at night.

I don't see any light poles or bollards.

Learning from an elder.

And I'm looking down, and I don't see the Google Street View car, so I can't pull any meta off of that.

Okay.

No bollards, no light poles.

Okay.

Just ocean, so we can have some directionality.

This appears to be Gen 4 coverage.

There's a couple of geo-guesser guys out there who are having a great time with me right now.

That's great.

I'm not one of them, though.

So can you tell me

the Sun?

Amazing.

There's a compass in the boat.

Like, yes, you have a compass.

Ah, the compass.

Yeah, I'll alter you guys a little bit.

There's no.

There's not just a clock that goes in weird directions based on where you look.

Okay, okay.

We're heading west.

I'm rowing west, assuming that's away from the dick.

And if it's not in the

way, then I'm just trying to get us towards America.

Let me try to submarize

yes go francis you got this i can astral project great you once had zoos on your head but you no longer do no he's gone trudy has a fuckload of different moles that when pressed could do random things but we don't know what but some of them surely must be useful do you have any more legs still uh no my leg exploded we have a pair of trudy legs we do have a pair of trudy legs yes entangle those dams over the edge of the boat yeah somewhere the big table with all the legs on them must have landed and is floating somewhere but i don't i don't see it right now how many legs do we have dm right now you have have the two legs attached to Trudy in the boat.

And all of your legs and arms, which don't have hover capability, but are you going to be able to do that?

But Trudy gives, because maybe this happened around like 10 bottles of beer on the wall.

He's like, do you think we put your legs like in the boat to make like a little engine?

A little propeller.

Yeah.

Sure, but even if that's the case, it'll take so long to get it.

I know we're there.

One step in the race

and that's it.

I'm thinking of a different step in a different direction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I'm not.

Because we were barely out of Russia by the time the plane crashed, which means we could go back to Russia and steal a plane.

And that would be like a million times faster.

But I'm homesick.

I want to get you home.

I would say you were equidistant.

Where do you exact?

Well, hold on, where did they drop that?

Were we in the plane?

Cool where they dropped them somewhere.

That's where we are.

Wait,

wait, wait.

They never said if we could find out that defeat the Brits, James Cameron would be down there right now.

Right?

Was it like the Indian Ocean?

I think it was.

Yeah, I don't think it was.

I was in the Indian Ocean.

Tragically you're not worried about it.

That was the cover story.

hey by the way just saying listen all right i just want to take a peek if you're the u.s government and you've killed like the guy you've been going after what's the easiest way of throwing people off the track be like we put them in the north uh the indian ocean psych idiots you think you'll believe us we're in the north atlantic ocean yes somewhere in the middle where the north atlantic that means there's icebergs not that north team if we're equidistant then france is a great idea i think if we have to steal a plane it's just as easy to steal an american plane than a european one and they speak english in america yeah so let's let's just, we'll, we'll keep heading west.

We'll keep heading west.

And I'm not saying that that's going to be the answer because we'll probably, I mean, we will not get there before the time's up.

At least we're getting closer.

So if you have an idea, you know, whoever comes to save us doesn't have to fly.

So here's what I will say.

Yes.

I like this idea of using Trudy as a propeller, which will make you move a little further.

If you want Trudy to keep propelling, she has to eat more rations than you guys.

Okay.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I have an insane idea.

Okay, go, Francis.

Go, Francis.

What if I make Brunhilde turn into a surface-to-surface missile and have her launch herself at the nearest American base?

Holy shit.

They will then trace the origin of the missile to us.

And then I guess we wave it up.

They want a nuke.

They want to see what happened.

They'll look first, Francis.

And then we'll wave at them and say, it's not help.

Francis, I appreciate this idea.

And I think there's something, there is a part of it we could use.

I will say famously, when America sees a missile coming, They shoot first and ask questions later, which is why

the proliferation.

I have something to say to you, Francis, which is that as much as I like this goofy plans that would involve me killing a bunch of Americans for no reason, I can only turn into weapons that I have seen.

I've never seen this surface-to-surface missile of V-2.

You saw a howitzer?

When did you see a howitzer?

When I was in fucking World War II, Ding Don.

And you may have seen it.

And you probably saw the missiles.

How many fucking World War II soldiers do you think saw rockets?

The V2 rockets?

You think they just let me see something?

They were launching the V2.

Do you have a better chance than?

They were launching the V2 or the V1s?

They were launching the V1s at hold.

What's the fastest, loudest thing you've ever been, Brunhilda?

The fastest, loudest.

Was it the Howitzer?

The fastest, loudest weapon Brunhilda's ever been.

Yeah, just give me a little backstory, Brunhilda.

So the last guy she was with was probably like a fucking Nazi sniper on the Eastern Front or on the Western Front.

Western Front, because that's where Francis' dad picked her up.

So, like, yeah, just a German infantry guy.

And it's a weapon, not a vehicle.

So, like, the fastest weapon.

It's the fastest weapon is you're looking at it, baby.

Okay.

Francis, tell her that I said that o'clock like that.

It said I said you're looking at it, baby.

She didn't say anything helpful.

So you and Astro Project, I guess you want to just go searching?

Francis, tell her.

Tell her what I said.

No.

Can we send Franciscan?

Mothman.

I'm not talking to you right now.

Can we send Francis out like a Falcon in an Assassin's Creed game to like look around and see if there's any...

Sure.

Yeah.

I love that.

And I feel like if that was an idea, like since we canonically said we got to 96 bottles of beer on the wall.

Yeah.

I feel like Francis has been sent out to look around the ocean to see if there's anybody else near us.

Okay.

I love this.

So this is what I was going to say, like now that you guys are stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, potentially for days, if not weeks, if not months on end.

No, you can't be that because you said we're going to all die the next day.

Yeah, with two days, dude.

Well, not all of us.

I was talking about a few hours.

We've been in the ocean for a few hours.

How long has it been?

It's only been a couple.

I'm saying you might be stuck.

Oh, okay.

For who knows how long.

I was thinking we could go back to my patented morning, afternoon, night action system.

Oh, okay.

So if you would like your morning action to be to sail westward while Francis scouts the area around you, that sounds lovely to me.

How fast does Trudy's legs propel us?

We'll say the hover boots.

You're getting like 30 knots.

The Dauntless has the power in this water, but none can match the Pearl for speed.

I can't remember what the line is in fucking.

Oh, yeah.

That's really good.

It's close.

I've seen it too many times.

I'd say like an outboard motor, like a fishing boat motor.

A number?

MPH.

15 horsepower outboard motor can achieve speeds between 10 and 30 miles an hour.

30.

Excuse me what?

30.

Let's say 20.

20.

Mid the middle.

You guys can go 20 mph.

It'll take us 80 hours to get across the ocean.

And then we're on the east coast.

Yeah.

I'm just, I'm just letting everything out there.

So we wait.

Wait, 80 hours?

80 hours.

So that's more than a day.

That's more than 30 days.

It's a lot faster than I would have thought.

That's way faster than I would have thought.

I thought to get across the Atlantic Ocean.

I said halfway between the Atlantic Ocean is like 3,200 miles.

So half of that's 1,600 miles.

And then I said, how long does it take to get 1,600 miles going 20 miles per hour?

And it's 80 hours.

Holy shit.

This feels,

I mean, there might be inclement weather and stuff like that.

You guys are right.

What do you want us to do?

Clearly, we're not going to make it.

What do you want?

I'm just doing this.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I got a little Excel sheet on the boat here, and I'm just writing stuff down.

Yes, let's have Francis look around within distance.

And I guess, what's the mechanic for seeing if he sees anything?

Yes, you're at a cruising speed of 17.37 knots.

Okay.

I will say that for every day that you guys do this, Trudy would have to eat 2x rations.

So we have 48 hours.

We have six actions

already.

We need to figure out how to get into the air.

Yes.

That's, to me, the only way that we can get out of this, or we need to get way faster with the boat.

Your morning action is you're cruising.

Francis' morning action is to soar around using his astral projection to see if there's anything out here.

Okay.

You guys start clipping across the ocean.

Francis, you rise up into the sky and you see the following things.

You see, obviously, the big fucking dick that is destroying the earth because you masturbated.

And all the horrible little floaty sky sperm are like, they're kind of just circling like vultures right now.

They're just like hovering around this thing almost like a no-fly zone.

They're like in a sort of defensive pattern to protect this thing.

A no-come zone.

We could do the James and the Giant Peach idea.

Oh my God.

You want to lasso one of these worms?

A lot of them.

Just like James did with his

seagulls and the seagulls.

And he used the worm to track the seagulls.

Let's first hear what the other things I see are and then we'll come back to that.

We're going to get in the air.

I'm not averse to it.

I just want to know what our options are.

Yeah, we'll say that you see the wreckage of the table and you see a couple of floating legs bobbing in the water.

You see a couple, let's say, oh,

guys,

what you fucking

fucking ready for this?

What?

I've been waiting.

I'm so excited.

I just bought myself a new little toy.

You may be wondering what this cool watch I have.

Yeah, I was.

This cool watch is from Time Stop Technologies, and it's the only digital wristwatch with a built-in tabletop dice roller.

Wow.

So I will now use my wristwatch.

The D20 watch.

No way.

I will now use my wristwatch to roll a D6 to find how many...

And you guys got four Trudy legs.

Okay.

I was really expecting like a bigger reaction to some of these watches.

I'm sorry.

There are two four Trudy legs out there attached to the table.

Yes, you could reach them this afternoon.

That was great.

Well, then that more than triples our speed, so we'll get there in time.

And so that's to the north, we'll say, which is not to the west.

So you'd have to divert your path to go there.

Then to the south, like far off in the distance, the legs you could reach this afternoon.

This is just like Wind Waker, man.

This is so cool.

Yes,

you can't move.

You're just stuck in the ocean.

Waker.

No sails, big dick.

Just like Wind Waker.

To the south, way off in the distance, you can barely detect like a faint light, like a faint green light that seems to be dispersed just under the surface of the whole thing.

Yeah, like a sinking light.

Yeah, sinking light.

I don't know.

I think God wants us to go south.

Well, can you just ask about it?

God shot down every other idea of the thing going on.

Oh, you do whatever you you want.

I'm just fucking throwing, you guys.

I'm just throwing fucking shit out there.

Do whatever you want.

You guys want to lasso sky sword fucking control?

Can you astro project there?

Francis, here's what I would like if you could just indulge your teacher for a moment.

It sounds like you can astro project, which I'm just accepting at face value.

You should.

Yeah, yeah.

So I would like for you to run two experiments.

Ooh, which is the control?

There's no control.

It's not really experiments.

It's not really experiments.

I only learned one thing about the surgeon.

You're right.

I should have said experiments.

I saw you did two things.

One, can you get close?

Can you see where the light is?

Yeah.

And I want to see if the sky creatures, if they sense you when you're astro projecting and if they'll like follow you or chase you.

Okay.

Because, class, let me just super

my possible idea, which is if, and this is a big if, if we could lasso these sea sperms.

With what?

Again, like one step at a time.

Francis, one step at a time.

And fly, and they would chase you like, you know, like the hounds at the racetrack chasing the rabbit.

Yeah.

Like, and you could fly because the problem with the astro project is your body's actually there so you just be asleep in here and you soar us over to america and the sea sperms chase you yeah that's just an idea maybe it's a little whimsical but just an idea no i that's where we should be trying everything well francis go try and get the sperm to chase you okay well first of all in order i want to do the other thing first because what's the other thing going to see where the light is well yeah get them to chase you towards the light if i do the sperm thing first and they chase me then i won't even get to know what's over the light because i'll be panicking okay fair enough francis what would you like to to do?

Okay, so first I want to go check out the lights, see as close as I can get before my like astral tether pulls me back.

Okay.

I sing you all, bite up, you go to sleep.

What are you sing?

Huh?

What are you singing?

Sing it.

Count it.

Sing it.

Sing it.

A, B, C, D, E, R.

It's the same dude as Twinkle, Twinkle, and you chose the alphabet.

I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

All right.

Allocator starts with A.

We don't know what X is.

B is bat, and V is vampire bat.

Francis, give me a disadvantaged constitution roll to go to sleep.

No, what?

Nobody laughed.

It was boring.

It makes me go to sleep.

Ooh, I got a nine and a 13, so I passed.

Monster's family.

Okay, so you managed to get away from me.

Nobody sleeps like Francis.

You manage to go back to sleep.

You glide south towards the glowing light.

And as you approach, you realize that it is in fact from Mothman's ship, the wrecked debris of Mothman's ship, which is by some sort of ethereal power and also like some of the exploded non-Newtonian goo is submerged just a couple feet underwater, and there's this glowing light coming from the, you know, what's left of the engine room.

It's submerged just under the water, but you can tell it is slowly sinking to the briny deep.

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So I'm going to now head over to the Spermies and see if they follow me as I head back to the

boat.

So you like soared underwater there.

They didn't see you.

And then when you're coming back to the boat, you're above water.

Exactly.

Yeah.

There you go.

Okay.

All fucking efficient.

I only draw aggro when I have to draw aggro.

So you then glide under the water back towards the big Skywiener.

How close to it are you bursting back out?

I mean, what is the limit of my astral projection?

You can make it there because you guys aren't that far from it.

Like I'll just go there until I see any sort of reaction from them whatsoever, and then I'll start heading back.

So, you fly over as you get closer.

It's hard to tell.

As you approach, they don't seem particularly concerned with you because they happen to be locked in a pitched air battle with some fighter planes that seem to have arrived on the scene, probably sortied from a far-off aircraft carrier or something like that.

I'm going to one of the planes.

That's the last of the fighter plane.

Yeah,

they're tearing these things fucking apart.

They are just ripping through these things.

No, the fighter plane is not going to survive the next 30 seconds.

It does not seem like it.

I'm going to marry it.

So probably,

but they are preoccupied with that, so they don't seem to have noticed.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Sorry.

There's fighter planes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which means there's a carrier carrier.

Which means there's an aircraft carrier nearby.

They have aircraft carriers in the barbarians.

Of course they did.

It changed the course of World War II.

That was the dark horse that redefined the war.

You're right.

Yes.

The war that specific was the side of the aircraft.

Huge.

Aircraft carriers were so instrumental, Will.

So there's aircraft carrier nearby, which is the aircraft carrier within 500 miles of us.

500 miles?

Yeah.

That's World War II, Matt.

Not modern jets.

And aircraft carriers go

34 miles per hour so we could get home in 50 hours.

We got aircraft carriers.

I'm just giving the stats.

I'm saying the airplanes are going to be.

Also, it just seems like very clearly we should go do the both matches.

Yes, that's right.

I'm just throwing that.

Look, that's what you see.

The bigger point I was bringing up, if you want to get their attention, you're going to have to get their attention somehow.

Hey!

One of them stops and looks at you.

Cool.

They can see me.

Yeah.

Call it stupid and run away from it.

Let's see if if it chases you.

I'm the reason you're here.

It's my jism that summoned you to this place.

I'm basically your god.

It's me.

I'm back.

Give me a, what do you want to call this?

What are you trying to do to these guys?

You're trying to provoke them?

Fast talk or psychology?

Give me a persuade role.

No.

They go back to fighting the P-51 Mustangs that are fucking, that are circle strafing and having ill effect.

No, we got to get it.

Now we got to go do the one thing that we thought we had to do.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hold on.

Will.

The Mustangs are circle strafing.

Well, they're strafing around it in a circle.

Yes, they're circle strafing.

The powers that be have fucking given

the fucking

U.S.

military WASD technology.

Then there's no way they're losing.

There's no way they're losing.

You can interact with them, but if you want to get them to chase you, you're going to have to do something to provoke them.

I don't know.

Get closer.

But they do notice.

I'm going to get closer.

You're just making noises.

Yeah, I'm just coming at them going, dude.

Grab their little cummy tails.

I don't know if I'm going to get that close.

I'm just going to keep on.

I'm getting closer to them until I get it.

I don't like that word, Freddy.

I don't like the word cummy.

I don't want to hear that.

All right.

Yes.

You are able to, by making enough noise and causing enough of a nuisance, get one of them pissed off enough to kind of deem you a threat, and it starts chasing after you.

All right, I head back towards the boat.

So you guys see like a single sky sperm chasing nothing through the air towards you.

Oh, I know.

That's not nothing.

That's not our boy Francis.

That must be Francis Palingagro.

Okay.

In the survival kit, is there like a fishing pole or something?

Yeah, there's a fishing pole.

Yeah, there's gotta be ropes there.

They had sea anchors.

So there would be like maybe an anchor with a decent amount of rope on it, we'll say.

I'm gonna try to cast my fishing line at the sperm.

Awesome.

Can Kelsey join you in fishing?

Yes.

Can we just be two gals fishing and talking about our feelings?

I think we can, yes.

Once his astral projection went away, does the sperm just go back into?

Okay, here's what we'll say.

When Francis flies back into his body, he disappears and reappears and wakes up.

And yes, he's able to relay all of this to you.

And then you see this thing, which was following Francis now notices the boat.

And it doesn't like attack outright, but it starts circling around.

Like it's making a wide arc around the boat.

He's attacking us.

Now he's the Assassin's Creed crow.

And it's assessing whether you are a threat that needs to be dealt with.

Freddy, when Francis describes everything to you, he also describes this light that's underwater.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes.

Yes, Blake, you're raising your hand.

Francis, you may have spent some time in the astral realm.

You're not the only one.

I visited my good butler, Ambrister, and he told me.

Any dead?

Ah, you would think so, Francis, but apparently there are planes upon planes and realms beyond this one.

I think he went to a different one than I did.

Then I didn't see any dead people.

Well, whatever.

Now that rules.

Francis, you said you saw a light

in the water.

Yes.

And it was maybe, like, sinking?

Yes.

Ah, Ambrister told me, seek the sinking light.

And at first, I thought he misspoke.

And he said maybe meant the light above the sink in the bathroom somewhere.

But now this makes more sense.

The light is sinking and my old good ghost butler friend told me we should go that way as opposed to lassoing up some cum demons.

I mean it's up to you guys.

I did my part.

Well, what if we lassoed this cum demon to get speedily to the moth room?

If I squint, I think I can see.

What if we did both?

What if we did both ideas?

I just, I'm squinting and I can see the light from here.

Oh.

You can't.

It's pretty far away to trudy's point what i will say is that if you are only under trudy's power it will take you the afternoon and night to get there whereas if you are somehow able to go faster you will be able to get okay team we got this show me the direction of the sinking light south we turn the legs towards the sinking light so we are heading towards the sinking light okay trudy let's go fishing for sure i can make us a threat i take the spear from my back and i huck it at the no no no just so just like jail the china peach yeah you're gonna go back to astro Projection.

You're going to taunt one of them.

There's already the one that's following.

Yeah, but what you'll do is you'll fly it towards us.

And then as it gets close, we will fish it out of the sky.

Yes.

And then, Blake, you need something to do.

So you'll help tie it.

I'm good.

Find some like rubber gloves or something.

Because if I remember correctly, like they're acidic or whatever.

We'll learn very quickly if the fishing line works against the...

I'll do the thing you said.

Wait a second.

Teacher onto something.

Maybe, I don't know, you could like tie a rope to the spear that he's got and then fucking throw it.

It'd be like a harpoon, just like in Moby Dick.

Yeah.

Like when you taught us Moby Dick.

Yeah.

I always say, third graders, after we read James on the Giant Beach, we go straight to Herman Melville's moby deep end.

But I was going to ask Timmy what your favorite book is.

Is that your favorite book?

I mean, this is pretty cool.

It's no, you know, like Jack Kerouac and like, you know, Algensburg.

Jesus.

You know, Camus, you know, but Moby Dick's pretty much.

There's some tryharders.

Wow.

Those aren't real books that I've ever seen.

I haven't read these.

So, I mean, yeah, figures.

Figures, I mean, you know, you wouldn't be up to date on

lefty.

Is any of us?

San Francisco?

Because I can throw a spear to like get their attention.

I don't know if I can accurately hit it.

No, you're going to be

grabbing it in the dog race.

You're going to make them come towards the boat.

Okay, so somebody else is taking Brunhilda from me.

Oh, that's going to be interesting.

Why?

No, because

Brunehilda has a psychic connection with me.

I don't know how she'll react to somebody else grabbing her.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I bet you there's got to be like a harpoon gun or something in this raft.

There's a harpoon gun?

If it's a fucking military Saint-Damager.

Is that a harpoon gun?

Is this like if your fucking submarine got blown up, that you fucking send the COVID-19 sharks, Matt?

Military emergency raft, it's gotta have shit.

They got flares and shit, they definitely have flare.

There's a flare gun.

I will say there's a flare gun.

You just say, no, I was just asking.

I don't think it was a crazy thing to suggest.

It's just like, okay, so there's not a harpoon gun.

They did not expect you to do wailing while you were.

There's no like knife or anything either.

Is there a knife?

Is there like a pocket?

There's a knife.

Yes.

There's a butt.

And I did look this up.

Another little piece.

Fun piece.

It's a boat knife, which means that it's not sharp.

Oh.

So they don't because you can't pay attention.

It only cuts boats.

Well, Timmy, another question for you.

Do you play any sports?

Do I, what?

Do you not know if I play sports?

Well, yes, of course, I know that you play the.

You know, I thought we were making progress, mom, but I guess not.

Dang.

I know that you throw a mean baseball.

Everybody literally says, like, fourth grade.

Okay.

Slap Timmy.

Yeah.

Slap Timmy.

I mean,

treat your mother.

Speak to yourself.

Ow.

Speak to your mother with respect.

Ow, Trudy.

Ow.

Ow.

I'm trying to earn his respect.

Respect must also be given from this party here.

Well, no, he's going through a lot.

That's just not an excuse.

I think it is.

Blake, I don't know if right now is the time you want to justify beating children.

How many fishing poles are there?

You're just mouthing off.

There are two fishing poles.

I can't stand when a child mouths off.

No, I'll mouth off to you, mister.

Give me a break, pal.

My hand went one way.

It can come back the same way again.

You go ahead and do it.

I will go ahead and do this, child.

Okay, everybody, we can do this, this part later.

Blake, Trudy, fishing poles.

Yes.

You two, nothing's going on between you two, more or less.

I know you're mad about slapping, but you do it.

Timmy, you don't care about me.

I don't care about you.

I don't care about you.

You're probably one of the people I like on this post.

You got to learn to act like it, mister.

I talked about how you taught me Moby Dick.

This is like my favorite book.

Look, kid, none of us like you.

Just get used to that now.

Fine, Fine, whatever.

I don't like it.

B and you.

B and you are going to support them.

This argument is fine.

It's good.

We can have it, but not right now.

Let's focus on slassoing these heats on the sky.

You taught my son Moby Dick when you knew I was homeschooled.

I don't know.

What he is saying.

We promised.

She didn't teach Moby Dick.

She'd been whispering it to him.

You happen to be reading Moby Dick out loud near your home loud enough that people happen to overhear it and people accidentally

go to jail and accidentally learn

well i just want to be the first person to say thank you oh thank you for for broadening the horizons of my son you're you're welcome now let's go fishing all right you and milton have a lot more common than i thought

What are we doing?

I just met.

There's a giant question mark, question mark, question mark between I have a fishing pole and I'm going to catch this thing.

You're zooming

just over the boat so it's not gonna crash into it when it follows my astral projection, but it's close enough that then Kelsey and Trudy can try to cast their lines out.

Or I guess one of you can throw the spear with a rope around it and one of you can cast a line.

We got two fishing poles.

Those fishing poles have fish hooks on them.

Yes.

Okay.

We got one spear with a rope around it.

And then Kelsey, that can give that to Blake.

He seems the most likely to be able to do it.

Can I jump in?

Is it Will or Timmy?

Well, it's Brunhilde.

Oh, okay.

When you secure the rope, Francis, to Brunhilde, Brunhilde is like, Francis, so you're not going to be able to throw the rope because you're going to be flying around.

So this is going to be a problem.

But

if you give me to someone else, you know this isn't really working out between us.

But maybe it's a curse we give to someone else.

Does anybody know the Brunhilde curse?

I can't give it away.

You give the hoppers.

You know what?

Forget the spear.

We don't need the spear.

We don't need the spear.

Look, look, we got two fishing poles.

I feel like maybe they'll they'll get like an advantage when we roll.

And then I'll just use, we can just use fishing lines and I'll just tie, we'll still put a fish hook on a fishing line without a fishing pole, right?

Right?

Right?

I'm looking at you.

Okay, we still got fish hooks.

There's fish hooks here.

And the anchor.

And we got rope.

Yeah.

So we're just going to, then other

heave hoe.

I'm just going to lasso it.

I'm just going to make little nooses and I'm going to try to catch them as they fly by.

So the idea is that Francis flies one down just like the earthworm in James the Giant Peach that attracted the fucking crows.

And then right before it grabs the earthworm, James, the titular James, would jump out with the little noose.

Jump out with the noose and grab one of the James or jump out of the titular peach.

So we got four chances.

Each of us are going to try to capture one of these sperms as they fly back, and then we will tie it to the ship.

And James, who played the giant peach,

we'll say that this is your afternoon action is doing sky fishing to catch a sperm to make your boat faster.

Yes.

Sky fishing.

Wow, wow, wow.

Give me another constitution roll, Francis, to see if you're able to fall asleep.

I am.

Francis dose is incredible.

He can just use like a survival mechanism.

19 out of 25.

Oh, nice.

So Francis falls back asleep once more.

This thing is circling you.

So you're going to go.

I'm going to get up as close to it as I can.

I'm going to smack my spectral ass and go, get some of this, and then fly back towards the ship.

Sufficiently provoked, the sky sperm gives chase to Francis, and you see it starting to plunge down and follow an arc in the pattern that you described as it now chases towards the boat.

It's essentially making a maverick pass and top gun right past the tower.

It's making a maverick flyby of your boat.

And so now everyone is throwing a line.

Yeah.

I have a mug of coffee and I go, I'm like, oh, I want some butts.

Trudy, give me a dexterity roll.

Oh my God, 14.

Oh!

Frick, yeah.

It sucked my ass.

No balance here.

Your hook finds purchase in the fucking cummy hide of this sky sperm.

Oh, no.

And it wriggles around as it snags onto it, and your line starts reeling up going,

oh man, it's just like jaws.

Yeah, but we're all throwing out at the same time.

Okay, so next, Blake, what are you chucking?

I'm chucking the

line.

Okay, yes.

Give me a deck hatch.

We out here throwing rope.

We're out here throwing ropes at the throwing rope.

Is that what the kids are saying now?

Everybody, get ready, grip hard and throw rope.

Not you, Francis.

You've done enough of that.

That's why we're in these situations.

We're in this situation.

Oh, bro.

Super duper success.

Six out of 75.

Oh, yeah.

If we had a dad, RPG system straight up recreational activity would just be good.

Any recreational activity.

We've done a season of nothing but dads doing things.

Yeah.

So this thing has a fish hook in one side of its pus-filled maw, and then your fish hook sinks into the other side.

And your line is also going.

And it's going like

spraying his mouth open.

Grotesque.

Grotesque, dude.

Is that human teeth?

Sure, it looks like that'd be crazy.

So it has so many teeth in there.

Sure, it looks like it's a crazy stuff.

Armina Dentata.

Looks like Pagman.

All right, big shooter.

Oh, did we give him a big shooter?

I love that, Dave.

I love that.

Did you guys give a line to fucking Timmy?

Yeah.

Timmy's going to use Will's time stop dice.

Yeah, because we all got, I said, we got four shots at this.

Esther, make sure to edit out all of this gasping in absolute awe at the moment that Will took out his time stop.

Here we go.

Boop, boop.

So much faster.

Seven and a ten.

That's a 70.

70.

So he misses.

And he was, wait, what was he throwing?

Without a fishing pole.

Throwing just like lasso.

Oh, yeah.

So he goes, yeah, and it whiffs.

Yeah.

And he just.

It's a noose and we use something in the boat for a weight, whatever options are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then me.

Okay, yes, it's Kelsey's turn.

I want to use decks because I got 60 decks.

20!

Oh.

Well, we've been rolling hot to super

drama.

Lasso's like a fucking cowboy.

Super fucking lobs this line over this flying crazy.

It's great because the noose would like slide off because it's you know like tadpole shaped but because it's got the two strings, it like lassoes the two strings together.

So it's like literally made like a harness around this thing.

Like all three strings, two of them are noose.

All finds purchase on this thing.

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

The fucking sky.

Really, I should have come up with a spooky name.

No, sky sperm is great.

Forsaken.

The sky sperm is pretty fucking good.

So the sky sperm wriggles and writhes.

It's freaking out.

So it just guns it straight back towards the fucking skydick.

It's blasting back through the air, taking you straight back towards the big phallus in the water.

Okay, Francis, you gotta make it chase you.

I'm just gonna slap my my ass some more.

Hey, big boy.

Hey, big boy.

Why don't you get a piece of this action?

Give me a disadvantaged persuade roll.

I'm gonna take astral projection with two S's.

Because this thing is terrified now.

It's going back for assistance from this cohort.

Nah.

Okay.

Okay, well.

We're going fast.

Not the right direction.

We're going faster than we were before.

So that's one half of the problem.

Actually, wait, right now, did you rig the thing up to the boat?

Yes.

We're all on the boat.

Okay, so they're tied down.

So you're not just pulling up into the things you can get.

But they got quick release knots because Blake would know knots.

Yeah.

So they're sailing knots.

They can pull tight.

Blake would know.

Yeah, he's in the military putting in the mess saying Blake would know knots and straight away.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, totally, dude.

The military.

They teach you knots in the military.

He's a knot man.

You know what they had before glue?

Knots.

Knots.

Timmy rushes up to one of the lines, one of the two hooks, and pulls one of them hard.

And the thing wins in pain and bangs away the other way.

What?

Oh, it's like a rain on a horsey.

Oh, yeah.

A really violent rain on a horsey, but it's a come flying demon.

Oh my god, Timmy, great idea.

You can control it.

Like a hang glide.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's still, it's fighting me pretty hard.

It's trying to turn back around.

We got to figure out some way to get it to run that way.

We got to run it like a fucking, like a horse, like that other book you read out loud with the horses.

I'm about to grab, yeah, the horse book.

That's a horsebook.

The book with the horses in it.

Johnny Tremaine.

Does that have a horse in it?

All the pretty horses.

Yeah, don't say it.

No, that was right.

That was after, that was after

Corvac McCarthy.

He went from Roltah to Herman Melville straight to Corvac McCarthy.

That's what I do when I was a kid.

Third grade.

That's why those kids are.

Like in Black Beauty.

Yeah.

I'm about to reach to grab the other side, but then I look at Trudy.

I'm like, oh, this could be a good.

So I'm like, what do you want me to do?

Oh, okay.

Yes, I'm going to grab the other side.

Yes.

Yes, it's just like Black Beauty.

And what happens to Black Beauty?

Well, you know, when they got to ride the horse.

Yeah.

Why do all my kid characters wind up sounding this exact way?

It's just normal oaks just showed up on this boat.

Yeah, mom, like, when he rides the horse when the character that is the protagonist of Black Beauty rides the horse.

I thought Black Beauty was the protagonist of Black Beauty.

I don't think so.

It's an autobiography written from the horse as a main character's perspective.

Yeah, it's a long situation.

What she's talking about.

Wait, shut up because I, and when I was watching the movie as a kid, it's from the horse's perspective.

I swear to God.

Agreeing with you.

It's an autobiography written by the horse.

Your son's wrong.

Look, mom, I didn't read the book.

Oh, mom.

Okay.

He's going to blow it on my spot.

I was dropping books into the mail slot.

Does he seriously never even read them?

Well, that's okay.

We can read it when we get back.

I don't really want to read it.

I'm not into horses.

But this is from the perspective of a horse.

Well, if you read it, you might have a lot of people.

Why are you making me want to read it more?

I don't even care what a horse looks like, much less what it thinks.

I guess it's okay.

You just lost the one person on this boat who cared about you.

We've never been a horse before.

Isn't that interesting?

oh my god mom you're right you're right we've never been a horse before right yes we have to imagine we are the sky sperm we have to put ourselves in the horse autobiography of the sky sperm and know what direction to choose give me an intelligence role with advantage for this epiphany

I got a 76, which is normally bad, but I have an intelligence of 80.

Wow.

Okay, so then as you are saying this, you go into your mind palace and visualize the life of a sky sperm.

You write in your head the autobiography of this fucking thing.

And you realize that it has a rudimentary intelligence.

Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg.

Gotta get that egg.

Oh, yeah.

So, yes, you realize it must have three things that it is motivated by.

One is egg.

Two is return home in if danger.

And three is.

Thank God sperm doesn't work that way.

Oh, fuck.

It's like it follows about all the sperm you've ever mastered before.

Holy shit, Slender Not.

I just get on a plane.

I get on a plane and go across the Pacific.

The shot from the shining with the elevator doors open.

Oh, no.

Do you realize you're with us?

Wait, what's the third?

So the third thing is that, yes, you realize that it also, like, if you are able to cause it enough distress, that will override its other priorities.

Like, if you're able to scare it.

Or pull it really hard with hooks.

So you're telling me that these sky sperms, like eggs, want to be home and are sensitive?

Yeah, yeah, I've already written that autobiography.

I'm living that life every day.

It's just like a horse, like Wells Farken when they crack the whip on the horse.

Now we're gonna get all this moralizing about we're being cruel to the sky sperm as we pull its hooks left and right.

Oh, what terrible things these humans are.

Oh, first they drug polars and now they're pulling the sky sperm's hook.

Yeah, we fucking pull its hooks.

We fucking give it physical distress so we can fly to make our lives more convenient we have to break the spirit of the sky sperm

all right so yes you are now dealing with a uh sky sperm that is desperately trying to turn back around to go to where it's trying to go as you're holding it steady but it's stalling your forward progress when timmy pulled it's like them pulling left and right on the strings is that causing us to control it yes but it's like i'm trying to think that it's like hard it's like a wild horse kite yeah sure it's like difficult it's still trying to go the way you don't want to go Oh, yes, you are able to a certain degree.

It's fighting your control, though.

And then can I roll natural roll to get a sense of how fast we are going now?

Like, how much faster did this thing make us go?

It probably doubled your speed.

Probably more than doubled your speed.

More than double.

I need precision here.

Matt, I don't know.

I just want to know if we can get to America in less than a day or not.

That's all I'm asking.

Okay.

You were at 80 hours.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

And again, you don't know the endurance of this thing or how far it can even survive away from its thing.

Fair enough.

You were going 20 miles an hour before, you're going 40 miles an hour now.

Okay, that's fine.

So we're going towards the light.

You're not going towards the light.

And that's what we're going to fight.

Yes, you're

right.

You're going in circles, basically.

We're going to roll dice to see if it gets us towards the light now.

What do you guys want to do?

I'm going to break the spirit of the sky sperm.

So I'm going to pull hard on the lines, bringing it closer to me.

And with my robot hands, I touch it.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like, steady, steady, girl.

Whoa, whoa.

That feels like something you get whispered to like by like an angel at night.

It's like, break the spear of this guy's sperm.

And you wake up and you're like,

what does that mean?

She just never had anybody that respected her before.

Talk to her on her same level.

She ain't dangerous.

She's just spirited.

My sperm doesn't need to be on a leash.

Meth, I honestly believe that if you had a glass of water and two hours, you could do an entire one of those movies just start to finish.

absolutely good yeah the amount of times i've seen the horse whisperer

dude did embic this is just a freestyle beth horse movie freestyle beth horse pretty good

she can't stop talking yep so she ain't been the same since the accident but you give her time she don't need to be the same is trudy talking about the horse or is she talking about her son

Dude, we have all four of you are pulling in unison.

You don't need a strength roll to bring this thing in close.

Do all four of us need to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I mean, whoa,

that's up to you.

What do you guys want to follow what Trudy's doing?

Oh, hey, hey,

you know,

you're cool.

You're big sperm.

Kelsey, you need to be confident with the.

Yes, you need to show the sky sperm that you're in control and that you know what's best.

Sky sperm, we're going to that light, and you're going to take us there.

Perfect, Kelsey.

All right, Francis, you talk to the sperm now.

You want some of this?

Ah, yes, good cop, bad cop.

Listen here, you little shit.

Who is trying to soothe the savage art of the beast right now?

All of us, if it helps the role.

All this is going to make us get to the light one turn faster, right?

Psychology.

Psychology, yeah.

We only got six turns.

The psychology I'm great at.

I can remember that.

Hey, hey, turn economy is very boring in a board game where you only got a few turns.

We got two.

Economy of the world's about to end.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Econ, dude.

Huge.

It's a whole turn.

One turn.

Whole turn.

Did you say psychology?

We're going to say this is disadvantaged psychology because it is 59 out of 80 yeah dog what about you treating all right or doing psychology my psychology is 42.

let's see the first roll is a two so we're doing really really really well okay and then the second roll is a 43 shut the up it's one more okay i'm gonna spend a luck am i rolling psychology disadvantage yes anyone that wants to be part of the i have 40 psychology 37 is my first one a one that's 17 blake seeing the success of everyone's success abstain

no.

Sorry.

It's still 37.

It's a disadvantage.

So 37, normal success.

Blake abstains from rolling.

So, what were each of you doing?

I look it in its big white eye and I send my humanity chakra to its main of the.

This is how the horse whisperers do it.

Yes.

I have a steady but kind hand on the sperm's back.

Okay, and I begin to gently stroke.

We did say that it does do acid damage, so give me 1d4 acid damage while you do it.

But I have have a robot hand.

I was able to get Mothman out of that big thing and I barely was fine.

Oops.

I mean, you did almost die, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Truly, truly, don't touch the thing.

Here are some gloves.

Well, I won't touch it then.

I will use simply my strong gaze.

Yeah, do the Christmas

world thing.

Yes.

So you gaze deeply into its soul.

Yes.

Okay.

And I know that it's been hurt in the past.

And I can't promise it won't be hurt in the future.

But right now, it's the present.

And that's a gift that you give to yourself.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Give me a sanity roll for gazing deep into the eye of this non-Euclidean Eldritch monster.

Okay.

I rolled a nine.

You rolled a nine?

Yes.

All right.

So, yes, as you stare into this thing, you are able to see.

horrors and wonders beyond your imagination, yet you're able to establish a connection.

You do kind of understand this weird thing.

And it seems to understand you.

And so it does trust you.

It starts to trust you.

And if you looked looked around, you notice that your son's pretty impressed too.

He seems like, wow, this is kind of cool.

Man, killed it with semen.

Kelsey, knowing actually the psychology of children and simple creatures.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Confidently just pretends it's not even talking to it and just going, yee-haw, I love eggs.

And I know there's eggs down in that light.

Can't wait to get me some eggs.

Can't wait to find eggs.

Okay.

I want to get to that light and find eggs.

And I already rolled good, so I know it worked.

So I don't know why we're doing this.

I would just fucking paint a picture for me.

That's what I think.

And then, Francis, what are you doing?

I know this bird wants to go for something appetizing, so I fucking smack my cake ass a couple times.

They're like, come here, get it, big boy.

Okay.

You've made a temporary ally out of the flying sky sperm.

It will now follow you, Francis, where you lead, especially once it realizes that you are leading it towards this thing that it thinks eggs are inside of.

Yes, you take off like a shot towards Mothman's sinking ship.

In blazing record speed, you're able to approach Mothman's ship as it slowly sinks into the water.

It's like a good two, three feet under the surface right now.

Oh.

But like you see bubbles kind of emerging.

The goo that's sort of floating it under the water seems to be slowly dissolving.

Well, we're here, team.

Sounds like Blake's first job is to go in.

And then when you turn around, Blake is already stripped off and he's like shirtless and fucking buff and his rippling.

There's a diving suit right there.

And I'm wearing a diving suit.

There's no diving suit under like joking.

And I go, hoop.

Wait, tie rope to your leg.

Yes, I just said hup, Kelsey.

Yeah, he didn't jump.

I didn't jump.

I was just...

That's me prepping my lungs for holding holding breath.

Yeah, let's just tie it so that if you're drowning or you need, you get lost in the ship, like, we should be able to pull you back.

And I tie the right knot around my waist and I go, hup.

And you dive in?

No, then I dive in.

Got him.

Hate you so much.

What is your swim skill?

20, dude.

Fucking terrible.

Well, say it's a regular roll.

Oh, you know what?

Before I even go in, I put on my fucking life vest and shit.

There's definitely life vests in the pool.

That means you can't submerge.

JSON is underwater, right?

Yeah, but I'm, okay.

I'm going to get in the water and I'm not going to bring a flotation device.

We will not a fucking idiot.

How would you swear to him underwater?

I will.

Once I get over, I can put my head underwater.

Can I?

So, you want your flotation device to sort of float in?

Let him do what he's doing.

Just watch Blake float out with his life vest.

All right.

You're now directly above.

Yeah, there's like you see the big hole that got torn through the ship.

It's right beneath you.

Ah, the briny deep.

I look down.

It is here.

Mothman's ship is here.

I don't know.

Yeah, we know.

If you can't swim, that's okay.

You can tell us.

I don't know what the...

You know what?

Just pull them in.

Just pull them in.

I'm looking forward.

Let me pull them in.

Let me pull them in.

I pull them in.

I pull it hard.

Blake, Blake.

I jump in like fucking Sam Weiscampus.

What is your swim skill, Matt?

20.

I didn't put on a life ass.

Like drowning with a life vest.

How great would it be if we spent a whole episode trying to stop you from dying from falling from a plane and we all drown this episode?

Everybody?

Everybody?

All right, hold on.

I'm rolling an E4.

I'm rolling an E3.

The way.

I'm looking at the plate.

I want to reach out to try and grab your life.

Okay, okay.

We're going to, I'm just going to paddle there.

Just grab the boat.

Don't grab me.

Grab the boat.

That's your only hope.

You're only holding the same hand.

Grab the boat.

Reach out and grab the boat.

I'm holding on the paddle.

Grab the paddle.

Kills me.

Don't let go of me.

Kills me.

Just grab the fucking paddle.

Kills.

Let go of me.

Kills me.

You know they call drowning the silent killer.

All right, we grab the boat.

All right.

We cut to an hour later.

The two of you are soaking wet and exhausted on the fucking deck of the boat.

Don't ever do that for me again.

I thought we had lost you.

I thought I lost myself again.

It was awful.

Team, on my important fact-finding mission, I I have confirmed we are exactly over Mothman's ship.

Who wants to dive?

Why are you at swimming?

I mean, you know, I was captain of the swim team, so you guys weren't.

You were, I mean, you were.

Yes.

Yeah.

Get your ass in there, child.

I noticed they didn't jump in a dress.

Hey, look, the first thing they teach you is you got to be careful in those kind of situations.

Don't go in unless you have an exit plan.

And I didn't have an exit plan.

There's a boat right here.

You're riding in it, you insolent child.

I assume none of you, all of you, have a 20 for a swimming team.

That's the default swimming skill.

No one thought to put anything in swimming.

It's the 1950s.

I've played Deus Axe.

I know that's a fucking bullshit, Sax.

Okay, let's wrap a little rope around you.

Tell us what's down there.

Those of you don't want to fly that ship.

Get out there.

Timmy, what's your favorite stroke?

Timmy, having been on the swims team and master of the backstroke, his favorite.

Backstroke.

Yeah, I don't think backstroke's going to do me much good here.

It's more like...

I don't know.

It would keep your head above water.

I wasn't on the synchronized swimming team.

Those guys go underwater.

My kind of swimming, you know, we're going across the water real fast.

Well, today's a learning experience.

Fucking go down.

All right.

Okay.

And Timmy dives into the water.

When he's out of the orchard, I'm like, your full sun fucking sucks.

I think Trudy slaps Francis again.

So

he rolled very well.

Also, did very well on his constitution roll.

After a couple of minutes, though, you see, I guess just the rope moving around.

And the sky sperm is like a couple of minutes.

That's really intense.

Lazily.

Yeah, lazily circling above you he emerges from the water

come on up

okay uh there's a lot of wrecked junk down there i don't think that thing's flying anytime soon but um i did find this it seemed to be what the light was coming from and he slams this book down on the deck

and it is

It sort of has a mysterious ethereal glow on it.

Always a good sign when it comes to tomes.

Oh, my clothes.

Try not to plagiarize this one.

Oh, friend.

Wow.

It's called The Book of Ibon.

And it's like this old.

How's that spelled?

E-I-B-O-N.

And B.

Anthony, can I tell you that literally in my head, I'm like, Ibon backwards is noobie.

I was going to say that as I typed Ibon, the Google autofill instantly went to soul eater.

You find a book called The Book of Ibon.

And despite the fact that this thing has been been submerged underwater for a very long time, or at least for a good chunk of time now, it seems to be dry.

This energy emanating off of it seems to have been preserved.

It's like

restraint in Titanic.

Kelsey, you can read on the beach and never worry about.

Kelsey, if we can figure out how this technology works.

How are you reading books on the beach?

What happens?

There's water.

Tides go.

You get lost on the books.

You get lost in a book.

You're getting a fucking close to the book.

You get lost in a book and you can lose track of the tides, okay?

Right up there.

Francis, really, the problem mostly is that Kelsey seems to set up underneath the high tide line.

Apparently, Timmy puts the book down.

He says, Yeah, I just be careful with it.

Like the second I touched it, I got like this weird headache, and I just felt like I heard voices.

It's just, I don't know, something, something wrong with that.

I mean, it's glowing.

So, yeah.

Francis is going to grab the paddle and use that to like turn the open the fucking cover.

Okay.

Okay.

I think it's less the touching than opening is usually the problem in those things.

Well, don't look.

Judy helps Timmy back on board.

Thanks, Mom.

Do we got any of those rations left?

No.

Kelsey.

We thought it were you.

You were getting too strong.

No, I bet for now.

I mean, like, by definition, the rations, we don't just have them willy-dilly.

I'm saying for this moment.

Timmy's rolling in psychology to see if fucking Kelsey lied and is eating all the rations.

It was golem.

It was it.

I didn't take rations.

I was just being a dick.

You can have a ration.

You did a good job for us.

Thank you.

Thanks.

And he drugs a little fucking bottle of fresh water and he has a little snack.

Nutrition wafer.

No, there were these little hard candies.

It was cool.

It was like little charms candies.

Francis flipped the first page open.

Yes.

It's written in English.

It seems to be from like the 15th century.

And it is this strange ramblings of an ancient sorcerer.

It's like his journal.

An ancient sorcerer who spoke English.

They ancient, like a 15th century, like a court physician in the Renaissance who was obsessed with the occult.

All you've opened is the first page.

So you see the first page.

I see this table of contents.

It says, Dear diary, I am a court physician in the 15th century, and I sure do like obscure occult practices and rituals.

I sure hope I learn some spells.

If I learn any, I'll write them down in here.

Oh, do you?

He's an optimist, at least.

Yeah.

Okay.

Next page.

Should we, while we read the book, at least continue to head towards America?

I don't see a harm there.

Yeah, rather than just sitting here.

Unless, do we think we're done with a ship?

Is the ship...

Yeah.

Is the ship grayed out on the map?

Well, the light went off, so

you did find the source of the sinking light that

Amberster spoke of in prophecy.

Does the ship maybe like, you know, continue to sink and

purple purple up and then sink really far, letting the player down on the line?

No, the environment is no longer there.

No, it's still there.

In fact, if there were other cool Mothman stuff you wanted to get, now would be the fun time.

Okay.

Maybe I should go down there and see if there's anything that we could remember Mothman by.

Well, actually, I also got this for you, Mom.

And he pulls out a little teacup that was down there.

Oh, okay.

He's like, I don't know.

I just thought you might want something to remember him by.

I don't know what this was or what the deal was, but you know, it seemed like you might like it.

I knew you drink tea and stuff like that.

So here you go.

Thank you.

If I'm remembering this correctly, this is the teacup that...

He gave me water from when he was.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll say it's when you first woke up in his

late

room.

Yes.

Don't call it that.

And the handle.

There's a little moth wing.

And the handle's a little moth wing.

Yeah.

When he was trying to understand humanity, he's like, why did they make a cup with my wing on it?

So, yeah, Timmy gives that to you.

Thank you, sweetie.

This is.

Oh, this is.

Yeah, well, let's not make it weird, mom.

Let's not, you know, let's not do anything.

It's just, you know, I saw it.

It seemed like it might be nice.

It seemed like it might be nice.

And I, you know, I'm very, very proud of you.

But who cares, right?

Who cares about that?

Gross.

Yes, gross.

Gross.

You know, and then he lights up a cigarette and like taps the ash into it.

See, you can use it as like an ashtray or whatever you want.

Anyway, he sort of scoots over to the other side of the boat.

How old is he again?

Old enough to smoke.

He sees Francis' age, maybe a little older, like 15, 16.

Oh, I thought he was younger.

How old is he?

I thought canonically he was like 10, but I thought he was like 10.

I was going to say this 10-year-old is bunching above his weight.

Oh,

right.

Let's just say 12.

12?

Okay.

He's just in the middle.

Yeah, he's 12.

He's a holding Caulfield-esque kind of thing.

Yes, he's a holding Caulfield-esque 12-year-old.

Kelsey sits down and opens the book.

Like the way she sits down and opens the book, like instinctually without being able to control themselves, Francis and and Timmy already sit down for story time.

Like it's just as the teacher sits down and holds that book a certain way.

Chris comes out.

Yeah, they just sit down.

And I go, okay, everybody, let's just, let's story time.

All right.

And I want to read.

You're going to read the book of Ibon to everyone in the class.

Like showing us the pictures and shit.

Yes.

This is going to be, yes, your evening action.

We'll be reading the book of Ibon.

And can I do something for a sec?

Like, like a good parent reading a book, Kelsey.

can see the words before she says them out loud.

And sometimes, well, you know this as we read some older kids' books sometimes you see a word not used today anymore for example and then you shift it you know you're reading a roll doll book or something like oh don't you say this so if there's going to be any sort of like obviously if there's something that's unknowingly but like if there's something that clearly is going to cause like psychic damage or something or like something i think i shouldn't read like i will take the hit first as well okay so you're going to self-edit i'm going to self-edit stuff that i think may hurt the team though i'm reading it out loud okay you know so you wind up you're trying to tank the slurs you're gonna be you're gonna be skipping most of this book if you do that, just so you know.

Okay.

What was this book?

You're trying to shield them from having to take a sanity roll is what you're trying to do.

I mean, as best I can.

Since I'm seeing the words and then I'm saying them out loud, if seeing the words would cause me to go crazy, it would naturally happen before.

It would happen before I say them out loud is my point.

Reading the book itself, it's not like you read like one spooky word and it's like you read the word non-Euclidean and you go, ah, like it's over the course of reading the book, it has a deleterious effect on me.

I don't know.

I read the word unalive and I go.

no that's good to know i mean yeah because like you know in in warhammer sometimes a single word will just no it's not yes okay that's fine or spell like in army of darkness plateau variety a single word yeah yeah so i i read the book okay the first word is spoopy yeah

everybody give me 2d4 sanity loss 2d4 not to not to sorry not to keep going but we also are flying we're heading towards america yes you are steering 40 miles per hour because he's 40 miles per hour so at the end of that

eight hours is one-third of the day we'll say how much closer we are to america klaus bedell really gave us everything with the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack that you were humming there.

I took five sanity damage, dude.

I'm down to 66.

I lost seven sanity.

I'm down to 50.

I lost four sanity.

I am at 42.

That's bad.

I don't know what to tell you.

I lost five sanity.

If an investigator...

Loses five or more sanity points from a single source of sanity lost.

Sufficient emotional trauma has been suffered that the keeper must test the investigator's sanity.

Okay, sorry other than Beth.

Timmy also lost five.

So everybody give me an intelligence role.

I unfortunately super duper succeeded.

Okay.

I failed the intelligence role.

I super duper succeeded also.

Okay.

We're locked in.

Timmy failed.

So Trudy, Timmy, and Blake are all okay.

What a delightful book.

As you get to the end,

Francis, you always read over my shoulder.

I'm just so invested in the story.

I want to get there before you do.

Avon, is he going to get that soul he wants to eat or not?

He's a real unreliable narrator.

The following things happen.

First of all, Francis, as you have failed to fail your sanity roll, you are going to gain a phobia.

So can you roll a 1D hundred for me?

You know what?

Hell yeah.

I will take it as a compliment that Kelsey and one of the students that Kelsey taught were

the intelligence.

So moved by her reading.

43.

Do you want a phobia or a mania?

Mania is fond of me.

It's going to be stupid no matter what, the way I play it, so it doesn't matter.

All right.

Is that what they ask you when you go to the

phobia or mania?

That's what they ask you every time you check in you now have hamartophobia which is a fear of sinning whoa francis already had for how long or like permanently i think we're saying because i made blake's permanent okay um so now yes when you do something that you feel is a sin we're gonna you're gonna have to make some sort of role to deal with that okay uh francis is the bad role every day

every day you're gonna have to make a roll that's what they call it from now on why did she have to bite that apple um you're gonna start voting republican yeah

as kelsey is reading through this grim work to you, it just feels wrong what's happening right now.

And you feel that you're going to be punished for partaking once again in something that is just goes against God and goes against creation and everything good and holy in the universe.

And it creeps its way into your psyche where you feel like, in order to atone for that, you can never sin again.

I fucked up.

I really shouldn't have jerked off.

I really, really, really should have.

This is too much.

I mean, I mean, I don't want to think of it in order.

Like in reverse order.

I don't think of it in order.

We're going to deal with what happens to Kelsey last.

Oh, okay.

But, upshot, everyone else gains the following spells from you.

As Kelsey is describing this strange book and its strange ways to you,

each one of you, the words of a different part of it resonate with you, and you sort of like understand a bit of arcane knowledge and power now.

So, you guys get the following spells.

Francis, you gain the spell mind exchange.

Okay.

So, I'm going to write this.

You use social media now.

It's like your brain is on Twitter.

Imagine now that your brain is hooked up to Instagram.

Mind exchange allows the caster to trade minds with another individual.

The target must know the spell caster and love or strongly favor him.

If that affection is somehow lost, the exchange can no longer occur.

Blake?

Yes.

You gained the spell.

Finger guns.

Remember right right now?

You're scared of guns.

I know.

What the curse?

Finger swords.

You gained the spell body warping of Goragoth.

Body warping of Goragoth.

Oh, see, the part where you talked about bodies warping really spoke to me.

Body warping of Goragoth allows the caster to change his or her physical form.

Oh, my God.

The sorcerer can change to any shape and appearance, though retaining personal abilities.

The form is fleshy, but it can appear to be made of stone, wood, a rug, etc.

So you got some body morphing powers.

Prop Hunter?

Trudy.

You gain the spell mental suggestion.

The caster can command any being with human blood in its veins.

A single target who is visible to the unaided eyes of the sorcerer is affected.

The victim carries out all that is commanded by the caster, even to self-destruction.

Nice.

That one's really useful.

That's fucking powerful.

She has yours, but she doesn't have to love them.

Yeah, exactly.

His is like, you literally switch bodies.

Yeah.

Because if you got to teleport somewhere and somebody's there.

Yeah, if we can freaky Friday our way out of a situation, I guess I'm good.

Timmy.

gets the spell gate creation.

Gatekeeper.

He just starts running somewhere.

You're going to fucking like this a lot more when I explain what it does.

Gate spells allow the caster to create doorways between other lands or times, dimensions, or world, using allowing a user to travel great distances with a simple step.

Subreddits, if you will.

We got to make a second hole for that dick to go into.

What's the second word gate?

It was for us to teleport back to Peachy.

It's just underneath.

That makes more sense.

I guess you could.

In a perfect world, if we killed the dick, they wouldn't need to call Zoozell and we would save the world.

That is the third option.

The third way is to kill the dick.

I mean, if it can go backward in time.

Kelsey.

Yeah.

We'll start with the good news.

Yay.

You learn the spell words of power.

Rack plus.

Rack plus.

Double rack.

Rack max.

Nope, it's back to rack now.

You learn the spell words of power.

The caster creates an intense bond with a large group of listeners.

The caster just like a podcaster, just like a DM.

The caster creates an intense bond with a large group of listeners.

The caster must speak.

Like a cult leader, extemporaneously and seemingly from the heart, maintaining the audience's attention.

So, yes, you can speak with power and convince a large group of people to do something with someone.

Oh, so I can convince them or are they just are distracted listening to me?

At the end of a successful speech, the audience thoroughly believes what has been said for 1D three days.

Nice.

So, you're officially a gaslight girl boss now.

Yeah, yeah.

But, but, but, as we've established, what manner of woman holds this power?

How has she changed?

As we've established, when Kelsey goes temporarily insane,

she transports and body swaps with another Kelsey of the many infinite Ur Kelseys that exist throughout space and times.

I'm fucking riding a T-Rex with a laser sword.

Not quite.

So Kelsey's way more useful.

As you get to the end of the book and again, the staggering significance of these words you've just spoke sort of shakes your already shaken, fragile mind.

And there's a question mark after the end.

Dude, it has a question mark.

Holy shit.

It says the end, Kelsey.

Kelsey.

And then you drop the book.

And when you look up, you are...

It's still dry.

Huh?

Sorry, the book's waterproof.

We said, so I'm just saying, it's still dry.

You drop the book, it lands, but when you look up, you're in what seems like a stone cathedral, like vaulted ceilings.

You hear like sort of ominous chanting and choral music,

a lot of halo soundtrack kind of stuff going on.

And you're in robes.

You're in like a sort of ceremonial vestments.

And you're being led by two

ceremonial guards.

Okay.

I'm going to slow down a little bit, just see how far they can move away from me.

Always the first step.

These fucking dudes go to a lecture chair.

They never realized the fucking hack.

Slowly move.

Just slow down a little bit.

The two guards wearing this kind of like golden armor.

They kind of clang to a stop.

And one of them, you know, turns back to you and says, High priestess.

Yes.

It is time to speak the truth.

It is time to speak the prophecy.

I know.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, dude.

I mean, yeah, leave me.

All right.

Is everything everything all right yeah why are you asking just keep going forward i got a big speech ahead of me so let me focus damn dude all right so he turns sort of looking around practically like

shit oh really quick uh do not question the high priestess the other guards yeah you you my favorite one what do you think i'm gonna say i would never even dare to think such a thought as to speculate the words that the speaker of Zuzel would say

that was a test you passed thank you

just go back to your room and sleep for 12 hours yeah Yeah, know what?

Know what?

You take the day off.

You're a good one.

Take the day off.

Very well.

Thank you.

Thank you, High Priestess.

Okay, I'm following the other one.

And it walks off.

And the other guy's like, fucking,

my job sucks.

And she hates to get out of the way.

The other one marches up and opens this door.

And on the other side, you can kind of steps going down.

And then you see before you a massive throng of dirty, desperate people in a ruined Nebraska wasteland.

How can you tell?

That's right.

If you're from Nebraska, I don't know anything about your state, so I just say shit like that.

You see a cracked sky and blighted lands, and you see what you would recognize as anywhere is that you're in some sort of strange cathedral that's built at the center of Peachyville.

But it's not your Peachyville.

It's some horrible other Peachyville where something tremendously awful has happened.

This looks like Apricot Town.

And you...

Forget it, Jake.

It's Apricot Town.

You hear screaming and cheering.

It's half rage, half ecstasy as these people below were being pushed back by this throng of guards at the bottom of these steps.

You step out onto this.

No, I'm not stepping out.

I lean into the guy.

He's like, all right, you know, you're the opener.

Go hype them up.

Get them ready for me.

Very well.

Do your type five.

Do your type five.

And the guard steps forward.

Okay,

I just close the door mostly, and I just kind of peek through the crack to see what's going to happen when he starts talking.

Raises his hands, and the crowd falls silent.

And he says, Behold, she who speaks for our leader, our ruler, our God,

mighty Zuzel.

And the crowd goes,

He looks like Zoo, Hermit, the frog-ass crowd.

You got like four more minutes.

Keep your stretching.

The stretching motion.

You're doing great.

Kelsey's looking around.

Do I see anything around me?

See, are you just hiding in the doorway?

Yeah, yeah.

But first, a message from our sponsor.

But first, the guy is now panicking.

He says, But first, a reading from the book of events.

In the beginning, there was Zuzel.

This is useful.

Okay.

Zuzel, the godslayer, who battled the gods to avenge his mother.

Okay, while he's talking, I'm going to kind of look around.

I'm going to go like, oh, Zuzel?

I'm going to call out for Zuzel to see if he's here.

Your voice echoes sort of cavernous in this room.

And you realize that this is like you're at a very Zuzel-pilled cathedral right now.

It's serving Zuzel.

You hear a voice emanating from this painting on the wall, like very Ghostbusters 2.

Venus.

Nice, love it.

And you hear the voice says, Come closer, my love.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Zuzel.

Come closer.

Okay.

As you start walking across the room, you see that guard you dismissed in the corner.

He's hiding behind a pillar and he looks at you.

He shakes his head and motions for you to come towards him.

Oh,

one minute, my love.

And I'm going to walk over to the guard.

I hate seeing you go, Kelsey.

But I love watching you leave.

I give him a little show as I walk to the guard.

You step up to this other guard.

Yeah.

So he takes off his.

I stay out of knife range, though.

You stay out of knife range.

Stay out of my

nice.

Kelsey.

I got to break it.

If you want to hide behind this pillar and talk to this guy, you're going to have to get in within knife range.

Let people in, man.

Okay.

I walk within knife range of him.

He stabs you.

No.

Can you imagine, though?

That would be great.

I would fucking applaud you.

Fucking by fault for being a cuck.

Just killing me when you told me.

He discreetly pulls back the latch on his helmet, and you see the face of your brother John.

And he says, about time you showed up, sis.

Hey, it's going to be all right.

It's going to be all right.

That's just five.

Ain't it a minute?

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

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That's right.

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Our next episode, September 9th.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

Sorry, can I just say, on the Wikipedia, Black Beauty is considered one of the first fictional animal autobiographies.

One of the first

fucking name is considered one of the first.

It's got to be the biggest hedge I've ever seen.

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