S3 Ep. 31 - Only Angels Have Legs

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

You don't have time to think up there.

If you think, you're dead.

Well, that's a big gamble while piloting a makeshift table encased in layered non-Newtonian alien impact goo and powered by a bundle of robotic hoverlegs and steered by an alien moth creature.

And unfortunately for you, that gamble didn't work.

The spy plane exploded through your craft, sending your entire bowling team scrambling.

Francis makes an aggressive vertical move here, landing in the cargo bay, with Lake Timmy and Trudy making similarly successful maneuvers.

Mothman is speared in the head and brings Kelsey down with him, but the majority of the team survives.

The encounter was a victory, but I think that we've shown it it as an example of what not to do.

Next.

That was a scene from Top Ace, a hidden gem from Hollywood's post-Heartland years, when the cosmic trauma of the Hour of the Hole was still fresh on the minds of Tinsel Town's brightest stars and scribes.

Shot in 1950, with color by Technicolor from Outer Space, Top Ace tells the exploits of a daredevil bowling team turned skydiving super spies fighting the forces of evil.

Sound familiar?

The parallels to the real-life exploits of the guttural screams drew the attention and the ire of the Motion Pictures Psycho Censorship Committee for drawing foul inspiration from dark deeds best forgotten by man.

A young MPPC cleric by the name of Richard Nixon gouged out the eyes of director Joseph Joseph Abrams Jr.

and declared Top Ace a magenta-level forbidden heretical text.

To even witness the clip we just showed you is a crime against the almighty Christian God who protects this nation.

So sit back, remain calm.

MPPC clerics are on their way.

And if you're looking for something to watch while you await the cleansing fire of their judgment, why not stick around and watch John Wayne in the Conqueror coming up next on TCM?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu Actual Play, Horror Comedy Podcast, about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

We're back to America, or I guess we're somewhere in the world.

No, we're back over the ocean.

Yes, you are on the international waters.

We can do whatever we want in this season.

500123, somewhere over the Atlantic.

I mean, I think we're in the dick territory.

What's crazy?

We're extremely.

What does that mean?

Where that dick went into the, like, that's its territory.

What do you mean?

Why the show?

The space dick the chip the cthula space dick the space dick the canonical actual figure

there was a continent that you thought was shaped like something i thought the exact same thing i mean there are a lot of continents

we're in the d zone there's a few continents especially if you get a little loosey goosey

i'm gonna look up what is one continent that looks like a dickhead i mean again it's not a continent i guess not a continent south america south america looks like a duck it tapers down at the end what is wrong with south america looks like a duck head it's not a fucking friend to say his dick i didn't say mine I'm just saying if you see that and you go, oh, that looks like a dick.

What dicks have you been looking for?

Australia looks like a chun of a mate.

Son of a mate.

Australia?

Australia looks like a scrodem.

Okay?

Or Australia looks like two bucks.

I have to say that South America is the most fuckable continent.

Oh, okay.

It's the most like a dick.

No, it's just like it's the most alluring.

You guys know what I'm saying, though.

If you cock your head 90 degrees, like North America into South America looks like a fun duck.

Oh, I'm pulling up Google Maps.

Do you know what I mean?

It does look like a duck with like a very thin neck.

I play Blake lively.

My name is Freddie Wong.

The hard

plumber.

This week's Blake fact.

Blake getting up into space has finally solved the question that he had in his mind that Earth is in fact shaped like an egg.

Didn't we, you did a flat Earth one last?

No, no, no, no.

We're changing it.

Eggs are flat.

Eggs are flat.

He's wrong in a different way.

Yeah, yeah.

Yo, last episode, you did the same fact.

You were like, he found out the earth was flat.

In the time sense, because we've fallen from, you know what I mean?

in the time sets, he saw the curvature.

He was like, ah, I see it now.

It's an egg.

It's an egg.

I understand now.

I see what you're doing.

Eggs are flat, though, when I get done with them.

Like, yum, yum, scramble you up.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

And you know what she always says?

That's good.

That's a good one.

Wow, you got a lot of.

That's it.

That's all you hear.

Who knows if she hit the ground?

I mean, probably.

I mean, unless something happened.

I think everyone rocking bullwinkle on this shit, and you're still mid-air when you're.

I'm still mid-air.

Oh.

And a little known fact about Kelsey, she's not afraid of anything except for falling out of airplanes.

That was when she was working on airplanes.

She got there real quick.

Yeah, no, she's not afraid about airplane crashes, just specifically like falling out of one.

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Fernsworth.

A kid who now I'm realizing just sounds like a shitty Morty from Rick and Morty.

No, Anthony.

No, no,

no, no, no,

hey, what's going on, guys?

Like,

Morty's a shitty Francis.

He sounds like a shitty shaggy.

Oh, okay.

I think that's Francis.

Francis, can you say gee, I don't know Rick?

Gee, I don't know, Rick.

Oh, yeah, that was you doing that.

That was you doing Morty, though.

Francis.

Gee, I don't know, Rick.

Oh, now you can't unthink it.

Oh, fuck.

Francis.

I'm sorry I'm right all the time.

So Francis' fact is that when he was growing up, he wanted to know more about the Japanese because he's know thy enemy.

And so he excuse me?

Like after

World War II is over, he's like, well, I know why we went after the Germans.

What was the Japanese deal?

And he still saw them as the enemy.

Yeah.

And also he, I guess, forgot Pearl Harbor happened.

Well, everybody gets a gimme.

So

Francis got really into Japanese cinema.

and found the one theater in Beachyville that apparently does subtitle Kurosawa films.

And his opinion is that Stray Dog is maybe the most underrated Kurosawa film.

And if you like movies, you should go see it.

And also, that makes Francis the first weehaboo.

Francis is a

fan of culture.

Truly.

Stray Dog is sophisticated.

Very underrated and very good.

Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child.

She's just like Rick.

She's a robot.

Yeah, can you say, Morty, we got to go do a time adventure?

Morty, we got to do a time adventure.

Yep.

Pickle Trudy.

Pickle Trudy.

Yep.

Hey, Will, when are we gonna have the fun pickle trudy episode?

I'm drinking my Shechuan Shosh right now.

Kill me.

What a similar time it was.

My cartoon made McDonald's do something.

What a similar time it was a couple years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fun fact about Trudy.

During this last little upgrade she went through at the hands of Moth Jesus, her algorithm has turned into a galgorithm.

Wow.

This means that she prioritizes the rights of gals above all else.

Wow.

Gals above pals.

Gals above pals for sure.

Gals above owls.

First wave.

Cyber feminism.

Okay.

Wow.

Algorithm.

Yep.

Hi, everyone.

Hi.

I'm cyber gal pal Will Campbell.

Cyber gal pal.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Will's.

Mr.

Gal.

Do you remember in the 90s where there's that spyware thing where it's like a naked girl on your desktop will like walk around and like do that?

What if we did that with Will, like on Patreon?

Like, what if you could just download a Will for your desktop?

Straight up, it's like a Will widget.

Yeah, a little Will widget.

That exact thing in college.

I downloaded four copies of that software onto my friend's computer.

So I had a naked woman show up like every like 30 seconds.

So like he went and saw it and he got annoyed and he found found it.

But then I had the next one, like, scheduled for like every hour and a half.

So, that kept going.

But the last one I had, like, coming in, like on the first of the month, so, like, so, like, so, like, the next day, he was mad at me, but he found all three of them.

And then, like, a month later, like, he comes and he's like, yo, like, what the fuck?

Like, this lady appeared on my desktop.

Like, whatever.

That's perfect time.

That's perfect.

There's someone out there waiting to go off.

That's very one-to-one.

That's a very sleeper cell naked lady.

That's so good.

Oh, that's so funny.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Kids, this is what we did in the 56k days.

I have a creepy fact for you guys.

This is from the rancor list of the creepiest things about falling to your death.

Oh, no.

Wow.

Falling in water is just as bad as falling on land.

Of course.

Some people think that it's better to land in water if you're falling from a great height because water will cushion your fall.

In fact, landing on water can cause just as much damage as landing on concrete.

The surface of water can act like a solid when your body impacts it.

Anyone who's ever done a belly flop knows firsthand.

So, yeah, there you go.

Dang.

Yeah.

I think ahead of time, though, if you watch the cliff divers and stuff, when they throw the rock, you've seen them and they throw the rock.

Oh, it's going to break the surface.

Well, it's the surface engine.

It's not.

It needs to be constantly going at.

Do you think that's cool?

No, they're actually watching their timing.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

So they throw the rock.

And if you watch the person after they throw the rock, you'll see them do the movement because they're literally.

They do the rock dance.

They literally are like figuring out their flips.

Because they got to flip like that rock.

So they didn't know that.

It's like, oh, that rock fell exactly.

I've also heard it helps delineate the surface of the water.

That's why they do it for Olympic sports.

Ah, interesting.

It's not a surface tension.

It's just

on Mythbusters, they did a thing because they were like, whoa, a construction worker fell from the Golden Gate Bridge and then his tool belt hit the water just before he did.

I can see that.

They did make the impacts of the surface.

A fraction of people totally survived the Golden Gate Bridge.

There's been like 10 or 12 people that have survived.

And they never tried again in most cases.

So think on that.

Would you guys like to watch Mad Time?

I already have something I want to do.

Is that okay?

Sure.

Let's jump in.

Let's see.

When we last left our heroes, the guttural screams, Mothman's ship exploded in the middle of the sky as a giant space dick caused by the opening of the hole in the titular hour of the hole burst through and started fucking the earth in the the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Through a harebrained series of Jerry-rigged

gizmos and gadgets, you managed to hover down on a table filled with old trudy legs and were all more or less rescued by Penny Pickett and Ebenezer White, the Russian and English spies that had been in Echiville and had flown you over to Russia, happened to be in the vicinity with their plane that they dropped you guys off in, and you guys made a heroic, safe and sound landing on this giant cargo plane until at the very last minute, after Freddy flubbed playing the Top Gun landing game a couple of times,

Mothman was carrying Kelsey and was mere feet away from safety when Brunhilda, shapeshifting back into her original form as a Viking spear, used her freebie to make Francis launch her straight into Mothman's skull, killing him instantly.

And now we begin as Kelsey plummets.

Now, let's see, we were saying that each round is like six six seconds, right?

So I did the math.

I think you guys were one round away from the ground.

In about six seconds, you fall about five to six hundred feet.

So Kelsey is now dropping the equivalent of a 60-story building onto the surface of the Atlantic Ocean.

Francis leaps out after her.

What?

As he begins to fall,

I'm assuming Brunhilda reappears like on his back or something.

I love you, Sir.

Sure.

Yes, Brunhilda reappears on your back and says, Francis, where are we going, Francis?

No, actually, she says.

So I'm assuming Kelsey, not prepared to fall, not wanting to fall, and also wearing a dress, is probably kind of spread out a little bit so she's got more ring resistance on her.

Hold on.

Well, like the wind will hit the dress and like kind of, you know,

it's going to be really hot.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, so, you know, if you're skydiving and you put your arms out like flat and more of your body hits the air, that means you fall a little bit slower.

I never thought about this because my felt.

Because Freddy's fetish is skydiving upskirts.

Actually, I actually have a good news for you.

No, but like, if you ever with a hoodie, you could put it on over your head, right?

Like, tiny parachute.

Tiny parachute.

Yeah, you could.

So you could add more surface area.

So you are proposing that she's going slower than that.

She's going slightly slower than somebody who puts their hands to their sides like they're doing a dive.

Yeah, basically.

And you will say that, yes, you are falling slightly faster.

I'm assuming I'm doing what Anthony's saying and not going ahead for instance.

No, but the only thing I'm going to say is that this isn't a fucking Princess Peach situation where she's using her hoop skirt as a paradigm.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, straight up billowing over her head so she can't see anything.

Kelsey, again, since her fear was falling out of an airplane, like Matthew, she did the research and knows that the best possible opportunity, again, 0.0000, whatever it is, but still lay flat on your back and try to hit the ground like everything at once to create a little air cushion to help slow down.

So she's facing him.

So she sees Francis jump out and she is, you know, legs spread, arms spread, her dress is billowing.

At first, she closes her eyes, but she opens and she sees Francis coming.

Okay, Francis,

I can't hear you.

Francis!

So Francis is diving at her feet first, as small of a position as he can be, is tucked together.

And he goes, clenched, clenched.

Brunhilda, if I die, you're going to land at the bottom of the ocean and no one's ever going to find you again and no one and more innocent people will die by your hand.

So you have to help me.

And you're going to help me by turning back into that gun.

As soon as I grab Kelsey, and you're going to fire at the ground over and over while I turn on my robot leg, and we're going to try to slow the descent as much as humanly possible.

I should have taught you better.

Francis!

I should have taught you better.

I should have skipped physics that day.

You know what's fucking crazy, Anthony?

Yeah.

Brune Hillikans see in the future.

He's like, ah, but Francis, this is where they will drop the body of Osama Gil.

Which nobody's trapped in you.

Although, that's the point.

You think the US government killed him, but they imprisoned him inside a bathysphere and armed with me.

And Osama Ghanlan fell down to Rapture to fight Andrew Ryan.

Okay.

I was already saying you might have just killed Francis too.

I mean, I've got an idea.

There's other people.

There's other people here.

And also, I'd like to remind everybody, I do have the like Trudy hover robot leg thing, which I can't activate.

I saw.

Here's what I will say.

I'm going to give this a chance.

So you're saying

I'm saying there is a chance, but I'm putting this on the table now.

I'm not pulling any fucking punches.

And you get one round because we said there was one round.

So there's no mullikins.

And if you fuck up, Francis is going to die.

And we'll have prepped before dying.

Not saying I was 100% going to die, but like, you know, we'll have that talk with me, you know?

But we each get a round, right?

It's not like just a little bit of a-here's what I'll say.

We'll deal with what Francis is doing.

You two also have a round.

Yes.

But you do whatever you're doing now before you see what happens with Francis.

Yes.

That is what Francis is doing.

I can write down what I do.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

this is a military plane right there's got to be parachutes on the plane they're probably in a place that's easily accessible because you would need them in an emergency okay so she's gonna grab let's say however many there are six seconds is six seconds

so you can get a bunch of parachutes but i don't know how you're gonna be able to use them my plan relies on the parachute yeah but i also think that with my hover legs pointed downward i could fall faster than they are that's true so you're like kind of astro buoying down all right here's

okay.

It's crazy that all four people

one of them is going to die, and that's going to be enough, and that'll be an episode, and then all of us die in the same moment.

And again, I do remind you that wherever you are, you're going to be in the middle of the moment.

I'm respecting for being quiet over there.

He's died enough.

What is Freddy Googling?

I'm actually looking up some of the physics for how many times you have to fire downward.

Okay, I'm just curious.

I'm just curious what they know.

I like this.

This is great.

Your movies, you're going to run to the parachutes, grab as many as you can, jump out, and then rock and fall.

You're going to grab two parachutes.

Yeah.

If you're just going in one swoop, it takes three seconds to grab the parachutes, jump out of the plane, and then you can use your hover boots.

You can use your hover boots to fall twice, especially because if Kelsey is falling slower.

And I will also say that Mothman was holding her when she fell.

And Mothman's wings were out.

So I'll also say that that's increased drag for Kelsey right now.

If she's holding on to Mothman, as Francis is doing his move, Trudy is running to the door, grabbing the parachutes.

Your son is like, mom, wait.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot about Timmy.

I think the momentum carries you forward.

You're like, oh, no.

I think Trudy's like, Timmy, I have to do this.

You don't have time to talk to him.

Yeah.

You can either do this and jump without talking to him, or if you stop, you're going to lose your opportunity.

I'm going to jump.

Mom!

So he watches you jump.

We're going to have him do a sanity roll.

If he fails this roll, he's going to grab a parachute and jump after you.

Fuck.

That's probably the coolest way to freaking watch your mom die, though.

It's like a badass.

Because if you want the moment where she looks back at you and like winks or something,

you didn't get that.

She just left him.

He is too shocked to do anything, so he stays there and watches you jump off.

Trudy!

No,

I feel love, but also I could just be the only one to die.

It's okay.

Okay, so you've jumped over the edge.

You're using your rocket boosters.

Blake, what are you doing?

Well, what can I do?

Will I?

I don't have any magic powers.

I'm not Tony Stark.

Also, I take it back.

I closed my eyes and accepted my death, so I don't see any of this happening.

Will, Dorman, we have come to bargain.

So I have, I believe, a borderline absurd amount of luck left.

Borderlands absurd amount.

A borderlands two absurd amount of luck left.

So like the best of the.

That borderlands of yours is absurd.

I may need to see

so I have 60 luck, which I think is a lot more than everybody else because they've been spending it a lot.

I want to make a deal with you.

Freddie has an idea that I very much enjoy.

I will give you half of my voice.

I will only listen to this deal if you do it in Godfather voice because you're doing it talent in hand right now.

I am.

Especially if I go and grab my mandolin.

Yeah, thank you.

Yep.

Freddy has an idea that I find to be most interesting.

And if you will give me the respect.

You will note that I said the Godfather voice, not your Walter the Immortal voice.

Dang.

Oh, that's fine.

Just tell me what the thing is.

Damn, we offer blood today.

He's putting cotton in his mouth

into his mouth.

So what I say is

that's really good.

I want to give you half of my luck in exchange for this crazy idea that my auxiliary Freddy has.

You can take it out of your mind.

What's the idea?

No, we'll see if half the luck is worth the price.

I asked Brunhilda to turn into a howitzer.

What is a howitzer?

So I can a massive artillery cannon.

Oh.

Freddy has done the math.

If the howitzer shot into the water before we hit, it would be more than sufficient to break the surface tension and allow us to land somewhere.

Well, no, it also slows your fall down.

Yes, because the kick of it.

Wait, who did the math?

Frederick.

Okay.

Wait, who did the math?

He's bad at top gun.

He's not, he's not bad at math.

I will do it for all your remaining luck.

Oh,

it was like a pair.

Is there any other weapons that could be?

It needs to be paired.

And they will entertain no other offers.

No, because he already said one thing.

So I'm already being pretty sure

letting him change it.

It needs to be a big, heavy round shooting out of it in order to give the amount that I'm.

I know a thing or two.

I think think it was like a net and then it can make a

net yeah if you can guarantee oh yeah what if you turned it into a parachute gun yeah

yeah

one out oh yeah sorry turn into the portal gun from the video game portal please

so if I give you all of my luck this is gonna work no I didn't say I if

you give me all of my luck I will let you turn her into a fucking howitzer and try which will work we've done the math you'll have one luck left I'll do the same thing for you that I did for Freddie as Tony which is if you call the number and I roll it, you will make your luck.

Okay.

That's going to be the situation.

All right.

That's what I'm doing.

That's what you're doing?

Down to one luck.

29 luck in one go.

Got to be the biggest spend of luck in some time in Call of Cthulhu.

So he's doing that.

You've been saving up your mega elixirs for this time, baby.

Do you end your games with like a bunch of mega elixirs?

I absolutely do.

I do.

I'm trying to look less like that, hence this moment.

Interesting.

Wait, what are you doing?

Well, I don't know what I can do.

I suppose you know what is?

I'm going to saunter up to the flat.

Tell Timmy you're his new dad.

I'm like, Timmy, do not worry.

I'm sure your mother has a good plan.

Timmy's just, he's not even listening to you.

The tears haven't started yet, but he's just.

I see the tears are coming, so I will excuse myself.

And I go into the.

I'll come for you, but not when it gets too hard.

Well, I have more pressing matters, Anthony.

I walk into the flight deck and I say, everybody minus me and Timmy have jumped out.

Maybe turn the plane around and go low.

No can do, old bean.

It seems we're still extremely close to this giant dick monster and all the pus monsters that have been flying flying out no worries and i go down into the hatch you know the underbelly hatch and i mount up on the fucking machine gun and i say weapons free and i start fucking taking out things like in like luke skywalker on the millennium falcon all right so you're gonna get into the quad cannons of the fucking bomber ship and if i'm gonna shoot no no i'm not gonna shoot bolts in your direction but i'm like you get crazy

i can really break

this tension you tear us apart

you at 50 mil 50 cal we're so he's so beyond us now he's already like a yeah you're in fucking Texas as far as we're gonna get.

It's only like a half a mile away.

I'm jumping out after

I'm not asking you to.

Yeah, no, you're the only one who's gonna

pick up our bodies with some degree of skill.

I didn't think that would work, so I thought I'd jump out because I could get something that would work.

I don't know.

I think I made a mistake.

I think if my howitzer thing works, that the very minimum is going to give us enough boost backward to give Trudy time to catch up.

We can put on the fucking parachutes, hug each other real tight.

I think we've made a mistake.

We got this.

It's fine.

Okay.

Will would rather Tony turn into a cat than die the first time.

So

don't, don't,

you're a push Will to killing.

Yeah, don't press the DM, dude.

You know, this is a DM.

All right, you're right.

You're right.

Anthony's figured out a pretty good plan, though, which is like, tip for anyone who's trying to keep their DM from killing a party member.

If you all try to die, you're upping the bluff.

End of the game continuing is also dependent on your kid having food to eat.

Real high stakes here.

Howitzer!

Howitzer, please!

Howitzer!

What?

Turn into a howitzer!

She turns into a howitzer.

An American M101.

Now there's just a howitzer falling through the sky with you.

Okay, cool.

Anthony, that was your whole turn.

So now you are holding onto the howitzer, and we'll say that you're in position to fire it.

It's pointing directly at Kelsey.

I just know how scared she is to falling out of planes.

I don't want her to die from that.

This way, her death will be mercifully quick and just spray.

And it'll save us the trouble of a burial because we're not going to find all those weeds.

We're not going to find all those.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Trudy has closed the gap with her rocket boots and you're moving at 2x speed, right?

Because you're like going.

So yes, you've closed the gap.

You're like three seconds from hitting the water.

But you see this howitzer.

Can I call this howitzer Grant?

Continue.

Cut that.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Actually, socials, can you tag Grant Howitt in this episode and let him know that Anthony has a really funny joke about him?

Trudy, you are closing in fast with your parachutes when you see Brunhilde turn into the, you know what howitzer is, right?

No.

To describe it for our listening audience at home, it's a piece of artillery.

It's like basically imagine the barrel of a tank on wheels.

So yes, you see this huge gun appear next to him, and then you see Francis grab onto it.

We're going to give you a chance next turn to grab onto the gun after it fires because it's going to be launching straight up at you essentially.

Well, it's not going to be launched, it's just going to be breaking, and you're going to be going even faster towards it.

Kelsey,

you haven't had your turn yet.

You've just been

just opened up, embracing.

Oh, that's right.

You've got your eyes closed.

Your eyes are closed.

I'm going backwards and I'm just trying to lay as flat as possible.

I wish I could have some like wacky thing to do, but no.

Don't you have some magic or something?

A rack, which I just used.

So I could tell the water no,

but it wouldn't do much.

Wait, wait, wait.

wait, aren't you communing?

Yeah, but Zuzel doesn't care.

I'll say, well, Zuzel, looks like it's just you and me in the end.

Yes.

See where your foolish choices have gotten you, Kelsey.

Well, what choice?

I mean, I was just doing my best to help everybody.

I just wanted to save the world.

Yes, but there's only one way to save the world, and it's through me.

And you have Terry.

This is all happening very fast because they're in Psycho Land.

They're in listeners.

Imagine, if you will, listening to a podcast at 2x speed.

I don't know.

I feel like you lose a lot of of the subtleties of what Zuzel's saying.

Zuzel, I just ask, I know it's stupid, but please don't kill Peachyville.

There's gotta be another way to stop it.

Oh, Kelsey.

Ever loyal to your piddling human concerns until the end.

Well, if there's one.

I showed you yourself.

I showed you the many form Kelsey across space and time, across all spaces and times.

And what did you do with this gift?

You squandered it.

I showed you an ability to traverse the multiverse, a traverse to other realities.

Wait, I could do that?

What did you think was happening when you would lose your mind and go to other places?

I mean, you showed me, but that doesn't mean I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it right now.

Can I just go to a different place right now?

You just said I could do it.

And we're in slow time, so you can teach me.

You just said, you just said I have this ability to go between worlds.

And you just said that we're talking slow because we're, as Will said, psycholand.

So I want you to teach me this skill of yours this this this charming skill this i want to become dimension walker i want to move between the worlds saints walker you know at the end of in glorious bastards where the two plans happen but they sort of contradict each other

we go all the way down to save you and then you just disappear you two die you two die zuzel says very well i can teach you this gift but know that it comes as all things do at a price i mean yeah i'm that's fine right now

it's not as bad as the price you're about to pay.

Yeah, so that's great.

I'll take it.

So, Matt, as you remember, when we used to do this, when you would see something that was horrifying enough that you failed a big sanity role and then failed your intelligence role, you would sort of disassociate and swap bodies with another Kelsey somewhere out there.

Like, you went to the one where you lost World War I, right?

Yeah, I know.

I remember the one where I remember where Kelsey personally lost World War II.

That was the craziest one.

I was like, when did I become the fucking head of Germany?

I was

look down in your hand, there's a smoking gun in front of you, the Archduke Francis Ferdinand, but it's 2025.

Abe Lincoln's an ape.

Oh, sorry, like swelling.

So, yes,

yes, you could only do that.

You could only do that before in moments of great duress, but I can teach you to control it.

Okay.

And when I do, like, do I like walk through like cool portals, or am I just like my brain appears?

You will trade places with another Kelsey who would die.

Another Kelsey would die here?

Who would die here unless her bosom friends save her life somehow?

Oh, that's not fair to other Kelseys.

Never mind.

Unless, Matt, Matt, Matt.

Yeah.

Voice of Freddy coming in.

Unless the other Kelsey was also on the way out.

I mean, I guess I'm not.

Look at how parallel are these realities.

I still couldn't just doom another Kelsey to die.

No, but if the other Kelsey was on the way of dying, imagine another Kelsey sitting right in front of a train, train barreling towards her.

Just sitting there.

Just sitting there.

Certainly in the multiverse.

Imagine anything's possible.

Imagine you have the lever you can pull on one track.

Kelsey, as I've told you, they are all you.

You are part of a greater Kelsey.

I'm going to open my eyes.

And what a whoa!

I can see that Francis and Trudy are falling.

And I go, hmm.

I close my eyes so I can go back to Psycholand

so I can take time to process this.

And then I'm going to say, Suzelle, I think the word you're looking for is blinking.

It's so sweet, though.

Could I bring anybody else with me?

That's not how it works, I'm afraid.

Then I think I'm staying here.

Bye.

Bye, sweet Prince.

I touch his fucking ripped abs.

Play a song for me on that piano, won't you?

And he leans in and gives you a tender kiss on the lips with his locked up, non-Euclidean mouth.

Fucking hot, dude.

Locked up, probiscus is probing.

Dude, Kelsey just fucking sits up on a table and opens it works.

Matt, you can't do this.

Why can't Kelsey wear beans, Beth?

Because you, as a man can't do this.

She's about to die.

Give her some joy on her way out.

No.

You know what?

My friend, Beth's right.

I don't deserve any pleasure.

I'm just going to.

What can all I say?

Goodbye, Zuzel.

Good orgasms for me, but not for these.

Hopefully in the year 2025, women can have agency in their own sex.

kelsey's not gonna leave i mean replacing another kelsey is too confusing to her and then also the fact that like her two friends have jumped down and they're falling she's not gonna leave that in the hands of somebody else so okay and no and no thoughts on what appears to be a large howitzer joining i mean i have thoughts

i don't know what to do

i wake up i can't give thoughts but i have thoughts Zuzel gives you a tender smooch on the lips.

Oh, I didn't ask for that.

I thought you gave him away.

You touched his pets.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, all right.

Well, then he does it.

He asks for consent, and then he says, Kelsey, may I tenderly smootch your lips as a way of saying goodbye in a sexy way?

You know what?

Hold on to that thought.

And then I open my eyes.

I'm going to leave him wanting more.

All right, so then that's a no.

Well, I'm awake.

Unless it's a hell yes, it's a hell no.

Fair enough.

That's good.

Fair enough.

You see Francis aiming this huge gun towards you.

I see Francis with a big howitzer.

I could probably deduce that that is indeed Brunhilda, because why else would he have a howitzer?

And considering we just did the whole thing where we're doing like rocket shoes, I can assume that Francis thinks this is going to slow you down.

Okay, so for that to work, you need to grab on to this thing before he fires it, otherwise, he's just going to blast himself up into the air and you are not going to get a chance to avail yourself of it.

How are you going to get up there?

Well, Will, I don't know if you've ever jumped out of a building, but there's not really a way you can get up.

Oh my God, that was so dry.

I love it.

I think I'm still doing the best thing I can, which is slowing myself down as much as possible, which is I'm still, I'm sure a skydiver out there could tell me.

But what Kelsey thinks about math things is I'm still back first, looking up, spread out as far as I can.

You know that

aerodynamics.

Yes, aerodynamics, exactly.

I know that aerodynamic slow as possible.

Kelsey, you open your eyes.

You are splayed out with most indelicately.

Most indelicately with Mothman's sort of dead wings and corpse staying behind you.

Use the wings, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I grab the wings.

I start flapping.

Do I fly?

Do I fly, Will?

Just like those famous pictures.

You know those famous videos of those old guys in the black and white and they got wings on their hands?

You see the right?

You see them, right?

They jump off the bridge.

You know what happens next?

They start, boom, they start sharking in the sky.

That's what I do.

Maybe a hand glider situation.

I don't know.

Well, yeah, if I'm holding the wings out, then that's going going to be helping me slow down.

The gun is close enough that you can grab onto it.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to try to grab onto, you know, not the front of the barrel, but yes, if I see them coming, I'm going to save my energy.

I'm not going to speak, you know, if I tearfully look up at Francis trying to save what Kelsey still believes is his favorite teacher and hopes that he's going to survive this.

But yes, I'm going to grab onto the gun.

Okay, you're going to grab onto the gun.

Bear hug that barrel.

Francis is hugging the gun.

How you roll something or

feel something?

Yeah, wait, they're both holding the gun now.

Well, slow down.

Matt, I haven't said what you're rolling.

Just slow down.

What were we saying, Beth?

They're both holding the gun at this point.

They're both holding the gun.

You're above them.

I'm going to pull my parachute.

Oh, okay.

That's very smart.

Before they shoot the gun.

Okay.

Are you holding Andros?

No.

I know you're going to go up, and I'm going to stop myself.

Yes.

All right.

This is going to be a strength check for the two of you to hold on to the gun and brace against the breaking recoil without falling off of it.

I just want to point out that also one of the reasons for the howitzer was that it breaks the surface tension.

So even if I do fall,

it's almost certainly not.

At the very least, here's what it is.

It will also slow you down so that you're no longer terminal velocity into the water, right?

I mean, there's a good chance it would hurt, but yes.

It may hurt.

Yeah.

No, it's going to hurt.

It'll hurt.

Not saying it won't.

But I'm a lot more afraid about that water being so cold.

Water like that hits you like a thousand knives all over your body.

Sorry, what's this from?

You can't breathe.

Oh.

You can't think.

At least not about anything but the pain.

Okay.

Wow, bad.

Matt, what did you roll?

I rolled, I believe for the first time, a natural one.

Wow.

Holy shit.

So I am grabbing onto the gun and Francis.

Yeah, I failed my strength roll pretty bad.

Okay, but I'm holding on to Francis.

That's who I reached out for without one.

You're holding on to Francis or you're holding on to the gun?

I mean, Francis is holding the gun.

That's a critical success.

You should do something cool.

If I'm like seeing a gun with Francis on it, I'm going to try to

Francis, my beautiful student, who still brings me apples every first day of school, even if I'm not in your class.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, that's so cute.

Francis fires the gun.

Cobucking boo.

First, can I go?

Fire!

Okay, yes, you can do that.

I just want that to be my last words if I die.

BAM!

Deafening explosion.

Each of you give me a constitution saving throw to see if you don't get fucking deafened by this.

I get deafened.

Roll me a 1d6.

Five.

Ooh, got 42.

My constitution is 54, so I passed it.

Okay, six.

So, Kelsey, give me a 1d6 roll as well.

Six.

Acoustic trauma of the noise from a howitzer can be extremely high.

Temporary hearing loss after a loud noise can last anywhere for a few hours to a few weeks.

Francis, you have disadvantaged to any listen rolls.

I'm not going to make you like have to fucking be like, what?

Every time someone, but you've got mat dinnitis and you've got disadvantaged hearing rolls for the next six days.

Great.

If we're around.

Kelsey, you've got disadvantaged hearing rolls for the next six hours.

Oh, okay.

It's because your ears are shittier because your mouth is so much fucking listen stuff for your girls.

We're so fucked when we enter Will's audio dungeon.

Yeah.

When we find the invisible monster.

This gun goes off with a deafening blast.

The howitzer fucks.

It rips your arm.

Like you just pull straight back, but you manage to hold on.

And you even manage to hold on to Francis, who gets thrown from the damn thing.

And you're holding on to him as this thing blasts up into the air and you manage to slow both of your descents.

And you have like a moment of zero

floating.

I'm free, Francis, you crazy fool.

What did you do?

And as you say that, as you're sort of like floating there, you see Trudy Trout

sort of like rise slash fall.

In the water at 100 miles per hour.

No.

That's not what happened.

You see Trudy Trout sort of rise slash fall simultaneously with you as this parachute is deploying behind her.

So basically you're all level.

You still have the problem of the two of you are still falling through the air.

You've reset your velocity.

so you basically have another turn to drop.

But how high up from the water are you now?

I said you were six stories.

We'll say you're three stories, but you've gotten yourself another round, okay?

Right, three stories the high.

That's a nasty boy on a car.

That's not gonna be a good fault.

Basically, you guys are in mid-air, okay.

And again, I cannot stress this enough.

You're in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and there are no boats or ships anywhere near you.

And we heard that they're not turning around for us either.

Yeah, right now, we're also attached to something that is famously not really floaty.

The howitzer.

The howitzer, yeah.

There's also a we're holding on to each other.

But there is, okay.

Sorry, that's the only thing we have, though.

Yeah.

You are now level with Trudy, whose parachute is deploying.

You each get one action.

Okay.

I want to do this final Jeopardy style because I don't want to do it.

You all are going to write down what your action is going to be because the three of you cannot communicate with each other right now with this going on.

I'll send it to you in Discord.

Okay.

Boom, boom, boom.

Please clock in your answers.

Just so I understand what I'm seeing, though.

Trudy has the parachute.

Trudy looks like, do you know that shot of Mercy in Play of the Game when Mercy's like, it's like that?

Yes, but she has a parachute with her, and you see a parachute deploying on her back.

She has a parachute on her back, and that is already on her.

And then she has an extra parachute in her hand.

Here's what we'll say: is that I don't think Trudy had time to affix the parachute to herself.

So she's probably got it like looped.

One, yeah, yeah.

But one's already working on her, and then she has a second parachute in her hands.

Yes, like they're gesturing out.

Like that one picture of the sickest dude you've ever seen holding the parachute with one hand.

I've never seen this before.

Will, can we cut back to the plane?

Yes, while you guys are faking,

Splash one bogey.

Bake hard to bake hard to nine o'clock.

We have 12 more bogeys.

I don't think he's rolling.

He's just saying that.

There's no bullets in the gun.

We have to know if he actually hit any.

The sound you heard was me saying things.

Well, what's my skill?

What I'm rolling for?

A gun.

Given that you went through basic training, I will let you do a firearms roll with your rifle shotgun skill, which is a 32.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Oh, he got a one.

I got a 16.

I got a one.

All right.

In that case, where are you firing?

Are you firing at the closest ones to them?

Like, what are you doing?

Bro, with a one, we do.

With our one and dude, aim by the way.

We do hard.

We do hard.

Because you're Princess Leia putting a medal on you, dude.

Bro, I'm standing next to Chewy already, dude.

Everyone's lined up on Yam and then I'm sitting there with a shit eating gritty on my face.

Roll me a D100.

11.

You shoot 11 of them out of the sky.

Wow.

Such thrilling gameplay for me to get one on.

Guys, pull that current a tiny bit.

Not in the same way you're going to do, Will.

I just like the idea that Will just communicate with me a little bit.

And one of the concerns was like, look, let's just figure out what we're doing, Kelsey.

The last thing we want to do is do another like Glenn in prison.

And then somehow we're at a point where Freddy's by himself again.

And we may very well be in a situation where Freddy is still the one.

Some of you are ready for the Freddy Cuff letter arc.

Francis, say out loud the thing that you do.

Okay, so still holding on to Kelsey, I use my jet boot to boost towards Trudy and grab hold of her.

And then I put my feet facing the water essentially and boost again so I can further slow our descent.

Cool.

He's doing that.

Cool.

What did you write down, Matt?

And it's pretty close because I think I'm holding on to him because I got the one for the strength.

But I, holding on to Francis with one hand, leap out to grab the parachute with the other.

Okay.

Screaming, rip it, Francis.

And then Trudy Pattico.

And yeah, we're both leaping out and grabbing the parachute.

I pass Kelsey the parachute.

Sick.

Sick.

That's fucking.

But then who rips it open?

Me.

Oh, no, nobody.

We forgot.

Oh, yeah, no, I said rip it, Francis after.

If I heard you said rip it, I would rip it.

Francis' thing was essentially just a move action.

He hasn't really done anything yet.

It's brutal.

Brutal.

If Kelsey hands you the parachute, you can pull the parachute.

Yeah, you have to pull it because my hands are held by one is wrapped around you and the other one is like holding onto the parachute like through the straps as tightly as possible.

Okay, so yes.

I cannot rip it.

All right, so sick.

Trudy's parachute is already deploying.

She's not holding on to anybody, she doesn't have to roll anything.

Francis is firing his little boosties to slow him down.

You guys are doing that.

Kelsey, give me another strength check to hold on to the parachute.

Disadvantage, because you're holding on to Francis as well.

Even with the one?

Well, that was for the gun.

That was for the one.

That was then.

This is now.

That was then.

This is now.

I'm going to throw up.

I just want us to be okay.

Actually, your parachute is about to fully deploy.

You're going to give me a strength check for holding on to your parachute because you haven't done that yet.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

I got 28, but I have to do disadvantage, so I'll only reroll that tens.

Strength.

58.

Wait.

That's very cool.

I'm about to.

I'm about to bring some luck as well.

I'm about to fucking spill.

Nope.

Don't have enough.

Do I have enough luck?

Nope.

I have 37 strength, not constitution, if we're doing strength.

Okay.

I fail the disadvantage strength roll to hold on to, I don't know what part of the parachute.

The parachute.

The parachute.

I was like, I could let you choose whether it's Francis or the parachute, but I think you're going to pick the parachute.

The parachute deploys and rips straight out of your hands.

That's one parachute down.

We have another parachute that's potentially about to deploy.

Beth, what did you roll?

I rolled a 79.

My strength is 60.

I burned 19 luck.

Okay.

Now I have 14 luck.

Through some stroke of luck, the parachute manages to get tangled around your arm, so you're wrenched upwards.

We'll say you've dislocated your arm.

We can deal with that later.

But the parachute deploys and you are kind of stuck on it.

So you begin to slow down.

You're holding on to Francis.

Francis is holding on to Kelsey.

No, Francis is just holding on to Trudy.

It's a daisy chain.

Okay, yeah.

So you're holding on to Francis.

Francis is holding on to Trudy.

So now Francis has to roll to, as Trudy goes, voop, her momentum has stopped.

And now he has to hold on to her.

Otherwise, he's going to get like...

He's going to slip.

I mean, he's holding on to her.

I think Anthony has to roll strength to just hang on to Trudy.

Yeah, because otherwise, she will get ripped away.

And maybe the hover boots, because you maybe roll for a disadvantage.

Maybe the hover boots give you a hole.

I would say the hover boots give him advantage, but the fact that you're holding on to him gives him disadvantage because it's excellent.

It's a flat roll.

So give me a strength roll to hold on to Trudy.

My strength is a 45, so slightly worse than 50 50.

how much luck do you have he has one

i gave it all

you could roll it and just try to guess the number i got a 50.

oh

and you're 44

i'm you can push 45 you can push what could push this worse i'm just trying to be worse like what are you doing to make this more dangerous for you to push that's essentially my question what if i can like put so much energy into my hover boot that my entire leg re-explodes.

Oh, I like that.

You might light us all on fire.

Just raise your hand.

I don't think figures can be choosers.

I'm just raising the stakes.

I'm just trying to raise the stakes.

All right, Kelsey.

If you overload your robot leg, it will explode and you will take damage from it.

We'll give you a 1d4 damage, and Kelsey would probably take some damage.

We'll start with you, and then we'll deal with Kelsey.

The leg explodes.

This is going to give you another shot at your strength roll.

I passed.

I rolled a 16.

You rolled a 16.

Okay,

your leg explodes.

Super success, yes.

Give me 1d6 damage.

I took two damage.

You took two damage.

Kelsey, you're clinging onto Francis.

His leg explodes.

Give me a 1d6.

That's what I had Francis do.

D6.

And I got, I wanted the highest number possible, right?

Cause I got a six.

Wait, what?

I got a six.

Okay.

Wait, that's more damage?

Yeah.

Okay, so you got six damage.

What is your max health?

You're at full health because you got healed by the gootuke, but what is your max health?

12.

Okay, so that means this did half your health.

that's a major wound so we'll say that this gave you i don't know why broke some ribs give me a constitution roll to see if you don't fall unconscious

okay if i pass this then i don't fall unconscious if you pass the roll you don't fall unconscious i got this constant freaking uh kelsey's got 60 constitutions so this is fine uh that's a fail that's a simple point that's a fail that's a veil

that's a veil that's okay all right so kelsey goes unconscious no

and like this normal unconscious not like dream world i I get to go.

No, no, this is just, no, you're just out of it, dude.

You just fucking zonked as you plummet through the sky.

Okay.

Francis, and we'll say Trudy 2 are holding on to your unconscious body as you drift slowly

against all odds

and the plans of one dungeon master.

Here's what happens at the surface of the Atlantic Ocean in the following order.

Where they eventually will drop bin Laden.

Where they will eventually drop bin Laden.

One, a howitzer splashes into the fucking water.

Two, an unconscious school marm, a one-legged teenager, and a robot housewife clinging to one parachute manage to gently fall down and land in the water as the body of a dead cryptid mothman splashes into the water right next to them.

What would you guys like to do, open world?

AAA open world experience.

I'm unconscious.

That's unconscious.

So, ground onto Kelsey.

Kelsey still has oxygen in her lungs, lungs, so she's not going to sink like a stone or anything.

Like it says true.

And I'm going to hold on to Mothman's corpse like it's the door from the Titanic.

I don't know why I put that in your mind as a possible way to kill us.

And I'm going to astral project.

Say what now?

I'm going to do the thing that Francis can do where he astral projects and can travel around.

If you can find a way to knock yourself unconscious or just fall asleep.

I think probably the insane adrenaline rush and us landing and all being alive would probably lead to a pretty big drop in testosterone and a crash.

I could put it on.

I'm not testosterone.

Yeah.

I'm now low tea.

Yeah.

On this podcast, we talk about low-type.

So I feel like it's not.

Ask your doctor about low-tea right now.

Okay.

And don't say it's anything else.

Don't say that it's the amount of alcohol you're drinking or like that you're not getting enough sleep.

They're lying to you.

You got low-tea.

Maybe as I begin to doze off, I say, like, I'll be right.

Yeah.

Trudy, what are you doing?

I think that

character over party here.

I think that Trudy looks at the lifeless corpse of Mothman and for a second lets Francis sink.

Dang.

Well, he's on.

He's holding his corpse.

He swam over to him.

Oh, then Trudy doesn't do anything.

Okay, you're just bobbing in the water.

Yeah.

Just looking at the lifeless corpse of Mothman.

Yep.

And Kelsey, of course.

And Kelsey.

I'm really worried about Kelsey.

So the waves are lapping and splashing.

Francis, as you sort of lie on Mothman's chest, or I guess you put Kelsey up on Mothman, right?

And as you cling to Kelsey, no, we'll say that Mothman is big enough for two people, like the blank, like in the meme.

Like in this one.

It's kind of like if there was a pool float that was shaped like the door from Titanic.

And you should still make.

If there was an unsinkable love float for two where there was just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean, then that would be what they were floating on.

Yeah.

So Francis hauls Kelsey onto Mothman so she won't fall immediately into the water.

And then I guess probably clings onto some part of his wing and his torso to be able to stay propped up while he passes out.

Trudy, you watch this happen, and Francis, you feel the biting cold and the lapping waves of the ocean tossing you about as you float out.

I worked in ice cream shop.

I'm used to this.

As you float out of your body and begin to astral project.

All right.

Like Neo in the Matrix Reloaded.

Like,

after the plane that abandoned us.

That's so cool.

And then basically Astral Project into the cockpit because we've said I can affect things a little bit.

Oh, yes.

You were able to talk to them over the radio last time.

Yes.

You go to the bookshelf that's on the plane and you push one book.

Murph!

Murph!

Murph!

Murph, I hate my son.

He sucks, Murph.

Oh, God.

I forgot about that entirely.

I get in the cockpit and I say, we're alive.

Come back and get us.

Ebenezer White hears you over over the radio and says, Sorry, you're breaking up.

Who is this?

Come in, Francis.

Francis, for the boy who just jumped out of the plane, yes, we're alive.

Come get us.

Track Truthy signal.

Ebenezer looks behind him, you know, sensing around.

He's like, I'm sorry, old boy, it's no can-do.

I'm the only one who knows where the third key is.

What's that to me?

Look, let me tell you my plan, young man.

The Americans summon Zuzel.

Zuzel kills the thing in the sky.

Everything's peachy keen.

You can't let Zuzel out without Kelsey.

What?

Zuzel is inside my friend Kelsey.

I'm not sure that's how it works, old boy.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to convince him.

Okay, give me a fast talk roll.

I have a 95 fast talk, and I rolled a 78.

Oh, fuck.

Rolled a 78.

I only do three things, and I do those very well.

What level of success did you get?

I got a normal success.

He's a spy.

He's pretty.

All right.

I'm going to have him roll.

Ooh.

What is two tens?

That's 100, right?

That's a critical fail.

Fuck!

I'm basically his dad now.

oh no

poor will does not get to isolate fretty and his own it's fine it's fine it's fine so you hear he's like

say that again i'm letting him steal in it for a second

i'm increasing

say that again or do you read do you read what was what was that you what was that last thing this is friends as far as worth if you want to zoom you gotta come get us

He turns to Yaroslav.

He says, do you think they're bluffing?

She's like, I don't know.

This is your operation.

What do you think?

You hear a lot of bickering between the two of them as you see.

That's another 14 bogeys.

all right damn it give us your location just follow the radar paying on shrudy's uh robot brain that does not oh look you're watching the plane right now right yeah you tell me warmer colder and we'll fly by your navigation okay cool that'd be like a waypoint in a video game but you can't i don't know what to shut up i don't know what that is i'm so annoyed that i'm doing this first of all do a 180 he banks this plane blake you feel your guts get rearranged by the g-forces of this huge plane turning all the way around and you hear yaroslava come moan to the radio and say, I hope you kept some ammunition down there lively.

We're heading back into the storm.

Bring the lead out.

They keep coming, but I keep dropping them like flies.

All right, so the plane is now banking around and coming back towards the storm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I was getting good kills.

So what am I going to do back into the storm?

I'm basically going to get on the nose of the plane like a hood ornament, and I'm going to play hot cold with them, essentially, and get them to steer correctly and get down to where we are.

Okay, great.

And we'll say you have an innate sense of where your body is, or like you see it glowing because it feels like it exists.

That would be kind of silly if you couldn't.

Is this a water plane?

No.

We could throw down like some

lifesavers.

Sully wasn't flying a water plane either.

That's true.

That's true.

It's not a water plane.

But it's going to be Atlanta.

The plane is now coming back around.

There's going to be a couple minutes as it makes its way back to you.

Blake, you hear over the radio.

Everybody onto the flight deck team meeting, real quick, right now.

Pip, bip, let's go.

But I'm doing so much killing.

Bilely, I need you up here as stats.

But, mom.

But, mom, I can't save the game.

I can't save it.

It's live.

You can't pause killing?

All right, well, then stay there.

But here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have a little conversation right now.

This plane is not equipped for a water landing.

The fate of the universe, apparently, according to that teenage boy, rests on bringing that woman, the unconscious Miss Grammer, back into this plane so we can summon Zuzel.

Now, how do we as a team right here, right now, propose to do that?

I'm open to suggestions.

Right now, I'm just flying this plane.

And he lights a cigarette.

Can I out of character point something out?

Sure.

These planes all come with like inflatable rafts.

Yeah, it's like a safe for literally this exact scenario.

So yeah, they could drop a raft out and we'll survive.

Well, we'll be stuck in the

second, but like for a while.

Yeah, we're probably going to freeze to death.

Or starve or die of dehydration.

If Will wants to get Reddit on him in the most interesting way possible, Will could kill us that way, sure.

Now, here's the thing, Beth.

I did see a movie about the little boy named after a math symbol who managed to survive a long time.

That's what Trudy is doing right now.

She's Life of Pying, but the boat is her dead dead lover, and the animals are her two unconscious friends.

It's a very sad version of Life of Pie.

All right.

I like the idea of at least getting a raft down there.

Then we can figure out the next one.

We'll say there's an emergency.

Blake will come down with us.

Blake raises his hand.

What about this raft here?

Is it not used for these exact purposes?

Also, on those planes, I believe the rafts only work if somebody drops down with them.

That's what I heard.

That's what I heard.

That's what I heard.

That's completely what I have to go down.

In the documentary, get the party Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Yeah.

Just get the party back together.

She's like, Yes, of course, the raft.

All right, then.

Well, we have a decision to make.

We're flying straight into this maelstrom of giant sperm monsters.

Or female strom?

Female stroom of giant sperm monsters.

We're going to blast our way through, drop this raft down, and then it's up to you.

There's nothing else we can do for you.

You're going to have to find some way to get back to the mainland.

What are our coordinates?

I don't know.

You call yourself a fucking pilot.

You don't know where you are and you're flying the plane.

I'm doing my best in the world.

Holy hell, man.

I'm doing my best in a hard situation.

Also, they have a radio, right?

How far is that radio?

We will radio in your location.

We will hold off the Spur monsters as long as we can for you to make some sort of getaway.

And then it's up to you.

So he punches the fucking throttle, lines up.

Trudy, from where you are sitting with Mothman and Kelsey.

You're holding on like Jack.

Your metal exoskeleton is giving you some protection against the biting cold water of the Atlantic, but your battery reserves are going to start dropping low.

and then you're going to have to start taking some survival rolls if this doesn't work.

You see in the distance this plane coming towards you and starting to drop down low as this plane comes in.

All of the sperm monsters, the flying sperms, what do we call them?

You were calling them.

I was calling them fire vampires, but that's not what they're calling.

Skyperio.

Skype.

See, sky sperm orbiting around start closing in on this plane in a desperate attempt to take it down.

Like enraged little bees protecting the queen.

They converge towards the plane.

Blake, give me another firearms roll.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Wait a second.

What is it?

You fucking...

You have gunshot.

What are we doing?

Okay, um.

Ah, okay.

Teacher, that's not fair.

Wait, Freddy got to do guns even though we can't do guns.

All right, all right.

We're going to wait.

We're going to do it before, though.

Here's how we'll fix it.

Okay.

What if it was all in my mind?

In my mind.

Okay, yes, that's very good.

I'm in the lavatory.

No, no, no.

I think you're still in the ball turret, but you're just going,

splash three bokeys.

And me and fucking nothing is happening.

And we'll just go ahead and say that that's what's happening right now as well.

Actually, give me a sanity roll to see if you realize that you're not machine gunning a bunch of guys.

You're not even touching the guns, though, right?

Because you're still scared of them.

The mere smell of gunpowder has sent me into a fugue state.

I see.

You're like, I'm insane.

I've gone nuts.

Oh, 67, that's a failure.

So, yes, you're still in the delusion that you are firing guns and mowing down a bunch of these skysperm right now.

I should have done this during the war.

And then we'll say that meanwhile, the sky sperm are now actually, in reality, quickly overwhelming the plane.

Well, shit.

And now they're latching onto every side of this thing and biting and wriggling.

Pieces of the plane are flying off and beginning to explode.

Ebenezer and Yaroslava take a sort of look at each other and realize they might not be making it out of this one.

She's like, if it's all the same to you, I'll take a cigarette as well.

Of course, my dear.

And he hands her a cigarette and lights it up.

And they're both nervously smoking as they hold onto this plane.

Just a little farther, just a little closer.

The plane comes in overhead.

Ebenezer gets on the radio and says, Anyone who doesn't feel like dying in a blaze of glory would do well to jump out of the plane with a raft right now.

Blake's already in the raft.

So Blake's in the raft.

Push me out, please.

Trudy knows that Blake can't hear her, but she's like, Please get Timmy.

Get Timmy in the raft.

Oh, Timmy, Timmy.

Wipe off the tears.

It's time.

I'm already in the raft.

That was like 10 minutes ago.

Thank you for abandoning me, by the way.

I appreciate it.

Timmy, but did you see how many bogeys I splashed?

Yeah, this was real cool, man.

You're a real hip cat.

You're a real nifty guy.

Get in.

Get in.

I'm not talking to you.

I need you to lock in and understand that what I did was for the good of the plane.

You're here by my grace alone.

The plane comes in low.

Flaps full.

Flaps full.

As slow as possible.

How would you drop the thing?

You just kick it out the back.

I'm thinking like C-130.

Yeah, that's what I assumed.

Okay.

That's how we got on.

Like Operation Dumbo Drop.

It's exactly like Operation Dumbo Drop.

So they're all getting out of the plane.

The plane's getting fucked up, dude.

Is anybody staying in the plane?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, yes, because here's, I'll show you what's about to happen.

They come in as low as they possibly can.

The two of you hop into the raft.

Ebenezer White is holding on to the controls as the plane is practically fucking flying apart all around him.

Yaroslava flexes her guns and pushes the two of you out the back.

And you drop.

And the last thing you see is her rushing back to hop into the ball turret.

And as this raft splashes down into the water, Ebenezer White punches the throttle again.

The engines roar to life and it begins to take off.

You see that Balterate swiveling around, spraying bullets, fucking mowing down monsters left and right.

They're dropping like flies as this flaming plane leads this swarm of skysperm away from you to give you as much clearance as it can.

And as it hurtles into the distance, you see it explode.

Dang, dude.

And now, the party is once again back together.

Everyone in the boat.

Bobbing up and down in the waves of the Atlantic Ocean.

I assume you all climb on on board.

Yes.

I mean, I don't know.

I'm still unconscious until somebody heals.

I will help.

Ah, there's a first aid kit in here.

We, as a group, probably try to get Kelsey unconscious.

We get her back to consciousness and heal her.

So that is going to be.

By the way, I agree that we probably definitely have the first aid kit.

I think that's a good question.

Yeah, there's absolutely a first aid kit in the thing.

And cigarettes.

Yes, I said.

A first aid kit though.

Yeah, first aid kit, dude.

Okay.

Trudy doesn't swim over.

Trudy just stays staring at Mothman's body.

Trudy?

Does she see Timmy?

I don't think she does.

Trudy, mom!

Trudy, this boy is mom!

Saying mean things.

Are you okay?

Timmy dives into the water.

No, Timmy, stop.

Timmy.

All right.

And then she finally lets Mothman go and backstrokes to the raft, grabbing Timmy.

Does he disappear into the water like Leo does?

He absolutely does.

Yeah, as your son swims with you back into the boat.

Yeah.

You watch as water fills the spear cavity that Brunhilda left and he drops down into the water below.

Trudy just starts crying silently, just crying, yeah.

And Timmy pulls you up on the water and just hugs you.

He says, it's okay, mom, it's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Kelsey starts sinking.

No, you guys are.

That's the thing where you're in.

You pulled me in.

Yeah, we pulled you in.

So they pulled you in.

And so now the two of you, because she's busy doing that.

What's your first aid, Anthony?

I don't think it's very good.

Again, I only do three things.

All right.

So how this works is you can both roll and either of you succeed, then you succeed.

Do we get any like advantage because of the first aid kit or anything?

Is that a thing I meant rolling?

Yeah, maybe a little bit.

You don't, you get not disadvantage is what you get around the ocean.

Yeah, because you otherwise would have nothing to do.

Ready?

And three, two, one, roll.

No, 41.

No, okay.

How much luck do you have?

I have, oh man, we're in a real luck-burning mood.

Wait, Trudy will do it.

You see Blake and Francis failing to revive Kelsey.

And she kind of snaps out of it a little bit and goes over to Kelsey.

I'm going to roll.

We got 35 first aid.

We're still not great.

I got 15.

I see.

Kelsey, you slowly regain consciousness and you find yourself in this boat

in the middle of the ocean surrounded by your friends.

Did I tell, am I, am I me, Kelsey?

Did I teleport?

Am I.

You're you, you're you.

It's okay.

Oh, Trudy.

I'm so sorry about.

No, it's saved.

It's okay.

I mean, it's not okay.

It's just, it's, um,

I just can't believe I left Timmy again.

Well, he's here.

I left him, though.

You're just trying to save a friend, which is what all of you did.

You, Francis, Blake.

Yes, me, Timmy.

You're down here, too.

All three of you jumped after me

because I left town.

I'm so sorry, Triti, but Mothman,

I mean, he's tried to save us, and I can't believe we're all alive.

Yeah, mom, it was, it was, it was, it was, don't, you know, it was, it was, you know, it was badass.

It was cool.

It was no, Timmy.

It wasn't.

It wasn't baby.

It was really brave, though.

It was cool.

It was, it was, you know, like you jumped out of a plane without a parachute.

That was, it was fucking, that was, this was awesome.

With two points to me, she had two parachutes.

Blake raises his finger and Francis pushes his hand down.

You laid it all on the line, you know, to save someone that you cared about.

This fucking, this, I don't know, I, I, you know, just, you know, I got to recognize that that was cool.

You know, that was a cool thing you did.

But who would have been there for you?

I can take care of myself.

I'm fine.

You know, I can, I can boy seems pretty self-sufficient.

Give me a psychology role.

I succeed.

Yeah, he's lying.

Yeah.

He's both scared, and then you can tell that he's masking his hurt.

I would have been fine.

It would have been cool.

Like, you know, like, come on, I'm a man.

Like, I can handle it.

Because switchblade and everything.

See, I see.

Maybe not on the inflatable raft.

Francis, I'm talking to my son.

Francis, for the first time, clocks what actually happened.

All his adrenaline was going.

Now he realizes I killed Trudy's best friend, basically, and like, she's really upset about what's going on.

And he like completely shrinks back into himself and makes himself as small as possible.

Timmy,

I was going to say, like, you know, can we, can we talk?

Or can I, I don't know.

Um,

feel like I've got a lot of catching up to do.

And I know that we're around all of our closest friends, and it's not exactly a private conversation, but I just look, mom, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm really like, I,

I, you know, it's just, you're like, you're like, a lot has happened in the last spend.

I mean, I just, you got to give me, I just, the last thing I remember is dad,

and then I'm on this ship and and this fucking scary thing, and then the whole world is blown up, and I'm falling off a plane, and I'm watching you die, and then I just, I'm like, who are these people?

Where the fuck are you guys?

They've got a real screen.

It's my bowling team.

Oh, Jesus.

You know me.

All right, all right, all right.

It's okay.

Everyone, just get screwed.

It's okay.

Just look.

Mom, I, you know, I don't even know where I am right now.

Like, I, but if you want to, all right, maybe, like, could you guys go over there?

And he points to the other end of the boat.

I scooted on my butt over the is this fucking psycho gonna kill anybody else and he points to francis no no are you sure you guys trust him he won't do anything else timmy looks at you he says miss grammar now i trust you i don't i don't trust this fucking kid any farther than i can than well i can throw a spear at him so why don't you you i know you know your way around this thing because you took it off me enough times and he hands you the switchblades as you watch his ass by talking to my mom kelsey does moves you never even thought were possible

like you just hear clicking you can't see the blade spinning and by the time it's done it's just fucking in her little pocket where she confiscates it.

Confiscation pocket.

It wasn't the dirty things pocket or something.

You call it something else.

The naughty things pocket.

She's got a lot of pockets.

You guys all scooch over the other end of the raft.

And Timmy sits down next to you, Trudy.

Okay, what do you want to say, Mom?

I feel like I've been, um,

I feel like I've been waiting to

talk to you for so long, and I thought

that I'd know what to say, but now I'm realizing I really don't.

But I, well, I mean, you

I know, I know.

I said, I said, I

want to say I'm sorry, baby.

And I sorry for what?

I know I'm not the original Trudy, or, but I,

I'm so sorry I left you.

I didn't,

I was,

I was so scared that I

no, I was just stupid.

I was just stupid.

And I

maybe that lets me off the hook, but so many times I thought,

well, if I'm not the original Trudy, I wouldn't have left him.

I wouldn't have done the same thing.

But then I get scared that I would have.

And I, um,

and I think

I was so scared that you might turn into him, you know?

Because I figured raised by a robot and a monster, how could you turn out out human, right?

But

I never thought that you would turn into you, and you have.

And I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see it.

Okay.

I don't know what to do with that.

I know.

I don't expect you to.

I don't expect you to forget.

And you're not her.

And she's fucking dead.

And you're some fucking copy of her.

And I don't know what to do with that, okay?

And I'm out here in the fucking ocean and the world is ending.

And I didn't ask for any of this, okay?

I didn't ask for this.

I know.

It would have been simpler if you had left.

It would have been simpler if daddy just let you fucking go.

I know that too.

But, baby, I just.

I'm.

Fuck.

We only have ourselves now.

And so nobody's coming to save us.

Mothman's gone.

Everybody else is gone.

And we only have ourselves.

And I'm asking,

could you,

could you try to trust me

again?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, fuck it.

You want a cigarette?

He pulls a pack of smokes out of his pocket.

I don't know how these fucking things are still dry, but if you want one, here.

And he holds it up and his hands are shaking as he holds the cigarette up to you.

Trudy grabs his hand and puts it around her and brings him into a hug.

I want a hug.

I just want to smoke.

Do you want want to smoke with me or not?

Jesus.

Someday I'm going to make this right.

Yeah, mom, just take the fucking cigarette, okay?

I'm just like, just killing me here.

Just fine.

Smoke with the child.

He sticks one in his mouth and starts fumbling around for a light.

And at that moment,

one of her fingers turns into a lighter.

Yeah.

Like the joint cracks open, kind of, and it's a lighter inside.

And so there's a flame coming out of it.

And he looks up at you.

You know, he sees the sky is gray and dark, filled with the shadows of monsters.

But there's the twinkle of this flame in your eye, and you see it in his as the sea is spraying around you for miles and miles around.

And maybe it's just a flicker of the light, but you feel like you see a little smile creep up his face despite himself.

And he lights the cigarette with your hand and takes a drag and says, Okay, assholes, what the hell do we do now?

Fucking call this kid.

This child is straight up.

He was Kelsey, Kelsey.

I was protecting the plane and he gave me guff.

I shot down 100 plus enemies, bogeys, and he's gonna gear the lip on this child, Kelsey.

Yeah, Jesus.

I mean, I'm a fucked up team, but get your shit together.

My mom loves me too much.

It must be hard.

Must be real hard.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

Guess what?

The scam likely plush is dropping on the U2's website today, August 12th, starting at 3 p.m.

Eastern.

What is U2's?

I hear people like me asking.

They make collectibles.

That's right.

Dungeons and Daddies joins venerable licensable IPs like Call of Duty, Dark Souls, Hasbin Hotel, and Squid O to team up with U2s to do a scam likely plush.

You can find that on their website, U2s, Y-O-U-T-O-O-Z.com.

Last day of of order is going to be August 26th.

And once they're gone, they're gone.

Unless, of course, you're going to get them from scalpers.

And if this drop goes well,

I think we want to do Walter the Immoral, U2sy-O-U-T-O-O-Z.com.

And also, more news, thanks to everyone's purchases of our Pride dice and Art zines during Pride Month.

We've donated $15,459 to Lamb the Legal, who are fighting to secure equality for LGBTQ plus folks.

Good work, everyone.

Patreon folks, you're eating good this month.

We got part four of our Dungeons and Daddies European Tour documentary dropping this week, which is the last part in our doc series covering our European tour last year.

If you've ever wondered what we say to each other before we go out on stage, that changes every tour, but this tour it was.

All right, ready?

This is going to ruin the tour.

What tour?

The world.

The world tour.

Also, this tour, Beth came out and did the song Dead and Gone as Scary Marlow, which is off the album we made last season.

Video for that is dropping Tuesday next week, only on the Patreon, maybe on social media later.

Next Tuesday is also when the after show for this episode comes out on Patreon.

So overall, if you enjoy our show and you want a deeper, richer, multimedia experience, then head on over to our Patreon.

And starting at five bucks a month, you will get a mountain of additional stuff to watch and listen to and add-free episodes.

How much do you value your time?

Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, myself, Freddie Wong, and Blake Lively.

Our theme song is a holding the stars by Maxim Waller, and Nisa Omrand is our content producer.

You also heard her in the opening.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Else is our lead editor, Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Our show is supported by a Patreon with people like Brandon Darmstadt, Matt Leach, The Mad Lad Benny, Taylor, Kelly Carmine, Alfred Asteca, Peter Scully, Nine Toes, Terrell and Katie, Too Many Frogs, Too Many Spanners, Tyler Oxenholm, Ian Pooperson, Trash Goblin, Smammy Dan, Jerry Barney, Jim Smith, Matthew Verstegan, Gracie Savage, McTilly, and Znaz.

You can support us directly on Patreon, patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Merchant more at dungeonsandadies.com.

That, I hear, is killing it at Edinburgh Fringe.

They're writing about her.

Shows are selling out.

You better get tickets, but you won't need tickets to listen to this show.

The next one, coming at you, August 26th.

See you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the star.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Oh, yeah.

That was pretty good.

We're going to put Patrick Warburton.

Everyone says that Anthony's got the fourth Patrick Warburton, but I've been holding on to mine.

It's pretty good.

That's really good.

What the fuck is that?

That's really good.

You fucking been fighting.

That one's just reviewing.

I've been fighting left-handed this whole time?

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.