S3 Ep. 30 - 62,000 Feet Over the Sea

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

If you need a tube of goo, MacMax 2,

he's got tubes of cool that kill your everyone.

Go to if you really need to heal, come on down and make a deal.

There's a tub of goo for you and Mac Mac 2.

People of Earth, I travel from a distant star a trillion light years away to bring you an incredible offer.

50% of Mothmagic brand go to.

My name is Mad Bob Makbuck and I've got the best deals on the crew that heals us from Abbath to Tsar of the Motorbook.

Go to Stu.

They aren't just for Mothman anymore.

The Galactic Health Board has just approved their use to cure all manner of human ailments.

From face blindness to cervical cancer.

I've got a spacecraft full of these babies and they are ready to move.

Cheaper than all your Earth refrigerators.

Smaller than the large pine boxes used in your burial rituals.

And stylish enough to make you the envy of all your fellow bipeds.

There is simply no reason not to have one in your domicile today why it's even cheaper than aspirin for all those afternoon headaches.

Glu tubes are an experimental extraterrestrial medical procedure.

Special side effects include headaches, nausea, egginess, mild rashes, sweating, bloating, dry mouth, gunphobia, high blood pressure, seizures, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, astral projection, tachycardia, litter enzyme elevation, anal leakage, and aphalaxis, unwanted attraction from nephews, death prophecies, liver failure, kidney failure, you're left with malignant syndrome, relish wet, variant currents with geocut disease, holes in the stars.

Moth magic glutubes are not covered by your barbaric arcling health insurance.

Ask your human doctor if gluttons are right for you, and tell him Mad McMark sent you.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.

It's not a BDSM podcast.

Oh my god.

Oh, thank God.

This season the Peachyville Horror, a call of Cthulhu.

Oh, no.

I just realized.

Sorry to interrupt.

Okay.

That this part of the project.

You might feel like when it is symphony, when they all go like, me, me, me, me, me, with the strings at the beginning when they're tuning in.

We sound great.

This is like when we're tuning up at the beginning of the symphony.

Everyone's rosetting up their bows.

They're all playing middle C and fucking locking in.

Yeah, just tune up.

I thought that was the dad factor for that.

That's why you guys always say the dad factor.

I think that's the ones we're already tuned in.

Oh, okay.

And then it's just about having fun.

Dad Facts is like when they do a little riff.

Dad Facts is like when the composer comes out at the end of that and everybody applauds.

The composer comes out and he's like, ah, there's Gustavo.

There he is.

This season is the Beachyville Horror.

A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes.

And I've been rosining up my bow.

Fighting the force of darkness and suburban blew from her fingertips as she rosined up her bow.

Suburban 1950s America.

That's the setting.

These are the players.

My name is Freddy.

Damn, that's good.

We should have been doing it all the time.

Holy shit.

That's so hard.

That's so fucking cool.

My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Blake Lively, deep thinking plumber.

Today's Blake Fact.

Dramatus Personae.

Dramatis Personae.

Oh, and this is just like in the musical when you read the program while you're sitting around or like

did you know this actor was in an episode of Chuck?

They all been in law and order, apparently.

Blake Fact.

Blake has always secretly dreamed of piercing the veil of Earth's upper atmosphere to confirm once and for all that Earth is flat.

Oh, no!

And now he got up there and he's like, ah, I see it is in fact a large disc.

Oh, so he a flat disc.

Oh, okay.

I was going to say.

Okay, so he, okay.

I know what Laika knows.

Man, the world building in this podcast is so wild.

Here's the crazy.

Here's the thing.

It's crazy, and there's a bunch of turtles going down.

Dude, here's the crazy part.

Wait, I need to know, Will, is it flat?

Is the Earth flat?

That's exactly it, man.

In this crazy part,

it could be.

It could be.

What if it turns out

it's wrong?

It's like five years of doing this.

Like in our world.

What if it turns out this has all just been flat Earth propaganda?

We've been trying to slowly.

It's like when the juggalos were like, guess what?

It's Christian.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar.

Sorry to interrupt, man.

Here's the fun one would be to be a Christian thing that's like psyched's juggalos.

It's been juggalos the whole time.

Sorry, Matt, go ahead.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

And what does she always say, David?

You know what she always says.

Shit.

I was talking about it.

Dude, I get a whoop, whoop.

Miracles all around us.

What she always says is: ain't no man ever pleasured me like a good book.

But it can be fun to see them try.

Holy shit.

Celago.

Celaglo.

Very spicy, bro.

She doesn't say that in front of the kids, obviously.

She doesn't say that in part of my fucking home show.

Little fact about Kelsey is that she has ice cream almost every morning.

But here's how it happened.

Oh, no.

Because one day she had a nice bowl of ice cream, but it was late.

So she put it in her fridge.

But actually, she put it in her fridge on her freezer.

She woke up the next morning.

It was just a melted bowl of ice cream.

And she was about to throw it out.

And then she said, wait a second.

This looks just like extra good milk.

So she poured her cereal in it.

And I got to say, fucking game changer.

Getting cereal aid melted ice cream is the greatest thing ever.

And that's what she has ever.

Have you done that?

No, I just thought I would have it down.

I'm going to try it.

Fuck it.

Do you know that?

This is wildly

reckless and irresponsible to condone a melted ice cream cereal concoction without having tried it, Matt?

I'm not condoning anything.

This is Kelsey, a fictional character who enjoys it.

I may.

Kelsey may be the lustiest and most sensual fucking character ever conceived of on the podcast.

This is like some Bacchanalian fucking hedonism body shit going on.

I love it.

Look, she's got good eyes.

You say you have a fetish.

I like that ice cream.

It's like that review of

where the guy kept talking about her ass.

This is on Life Pro Tips.

Use ice cream instead of milk for your cereal.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I used to do you get ice cream and you just pour like a crunchy cereal on top of it and eat it with the ice cream.

Yeah, it's great.

Ice cream cereals.

I used to enjoy it.

No, no, it's cereal.

Like fully hard, like fully hard, fully hard.

Hard wrecked ice cream with some cereal on top of it.

That sounds good.

It is good.

This melted ice cream that you gave me that I just got another second helping of, it was really good.

But then I realized actually in the last like 10 seconds that because it's coffee ice cream, it probably still had caffeine in it.

Oh, yeah, it definitely did.

And I'm vibrating now because I already had my coffee.

Oh, no, yeah, I put a lot of espresso in there.

That's why I said it.

And so now I'm just churning inside.

Go ahead, Anthony.

I'm seeing clearly for the first time.

Anthony, you're like an extra sharp.

Yeah.

My name is Anthony Burch.

I'm playing Francis Farnsworth.

A kid who is, is he still doing his best?

I feel like he is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A kid who's very confused about what's going on because canonically, Francis never met Relish Wet.

And canonically, I chose to stop paying attention when you guys were having your own scene and met Relish Wet.

So I also don't know who Relish Wet is.

Wow.

So that's what I'm method.

That's the Anthony Burch difference, right?

If I'm getting a vibe of like confused and doesn't care quite as much as he should, that's why.

That's fair.

I guess Francis' peachy fact is he has a landline at home, but the cord is really long.

And sometimes he'll walk out with the cord and sometimes he'll see a police officer, and he loves police officers.

And they're like, Hey, can I see your face so that I can understand who the phone belongs to?

And he goes, No,

I have a passcode, and you cannot legally compel me to give the passcode.

You can legally compel me to give the face code.

So Francis hates cops.

I think anyone trying to get discreet protesting advice from that is going to wind up more confused.

Turn off your biometrics

and use a burner.

I'm turning

only put it back in when you need to use it and then take the SIM card back.

Do you think there's a group of protesters that listen to this like QA non-people are waiting for a cue drop?

They're like,

yo, wait for the next dungeon daddy so we can get the

tip.

We can get the anthem.

Someday I get assassinated by somebody who's like, no, he's too, he's one of the fucking too powerful.

Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout.

Can I get a whoop whoop?

I'm actually doing a little departure of a fact today.

Not a pun.

And so, fun fact about Trudy is that should

she and her beloved family, both found and semi-biological, get out of this mess and should the world be saved?

And should Peachyville be saved?

You know, Trudy will be so happy because she loves Peachyville, but she also wants to see the world and travel and get out of her shell, so to speak.

So she actually did put a little dot on a map for a place that looked special to her that she might want to travel after all of this is over, for better or for worse.

And it's called Point Pleasant, West Virginia.

And she just hopes that someday she can get there.

Almost heaven.

I was waiting for a computer pun and I couldn't find it.

I was like, I was flying.

I was being serious.

Dot Matrix.

I was was like, yeah, exactly.

My name is William Campos.

The part that I play in this

theme effort is the part of the dungeon master.

That's who I will be playing this most.

This evening, your dungeon master.

This evening, your part of the dungeon master will be playing by William Campos.

Can I get a whoop whoop?

Whoop whoop whoop.

My creepy fact for the day, since you guys are teetering on the edge of fucking space and the atmosphere falling, plummeting like a rock from a punctured spaceship is that the Armstrong limit is the measure of altitude above which atmospheric pressure is sufficiently low that water boils at the normal temperature of the human body, meaning that your blood boils.

It's at around 62,000 feet.

They found it because they put a fucking bunch of test pilots into crazy low pressure environments.

It's just fun when your blood starts boiling.

Including, I think, our good dude Neil Armstrong, for whom it is named after.

No, it's named after Harry George Armstrong, who was the first to recognize the phenomenon.

Stolen Stolen Valor.

Steal Armstrong's dude, Stolen Valor.

My favorite creepy fact about this was because they were fucking like putting these guys in these tests.

At or above the Armstrong limit, exposed body fluids such as saliva, tears, urine, and the liquids wetting the alveoli within the lungs will boil away if the subject does not wear a full body pressure suit.

A test subject at the NASA Johnson Space Center accidentally exposed to near vacuum in 1965 reported.

He said it hurt a lot.

Reported that his last conscious memory was that of the saliva on his tongue beginning to boil.

Crazy, which

is fucking gnarly.

I mean, that felt like awesome for a second.

For a second.

It's that pop rocks feeling.

Yeah, exactly.

I didn't need any pop rocks before I went into this vacuum chamber.

My Armstrong limit is when I can't lift a heavier dumbbell.

Pretty good.

I'm like, I've reached it.

Let's make sure all this spaceship is nice and sealed then.

I think Will's going to send us out into the vacuum.

I don't know.

I trust Mothman to fucking.

I mean, it's

if we go out into space again, we should should all get married again.

Oh, yeah, we should.

It'd be like a little tradition.

Yeah, but it was all kids last time.

There's just one this time.

That's not that makes it weird.

That was our day.

It was secretly a polygamy podcast the whole time.

Do you guys want to play?

Do you guys want to do that?

I want to play.

Oh, I forgot to say my second fact is that in honor of the fact that you now find yourselves plummeting through the atmosphere without a parachute, I

am also going.

That's why you are so excited and free.

Fucking jumping in.

That's why you're not wearing pants with noise computer.

Parachute.

Wait.

No notes.

Wait, for when it's where we were.

I thought we were safer this ship.

We're evolving?

Let's dive in.

Give me, yeah.

When last we left, you had made your daring escape from Percy Kovo Grad.

You found yourselves in the ship of Mothman sailing away.

You bid a tearful farewell to Laika, the space dog, at the upper limits of the Earth's atmosphere where she saw the stars one last time.

And then you guys got in some goo tubes and had some dreams.

So, if I remember correctly, Freddie failed to learn the secret of the gun katas.

That was good.

I like that.

It is lost forever to the sands of time.

Kelsey had a dream where Milton gave her a book that shows here that, like the title of the hit, Matt The Wong, Freddie Wong, movie,

We're all gonna die, that you're all gonna die in two days.

My name was not on it.

But your name was not on it.

That's right.

But everyone else in BAM.

good.

What could that possibly mean?

Francis had a spooky flashback to the origin story of Brunhilde, where she was originally a spear that got impaled through her mom back in the Viking days, and she's taken all these different forms throughout time.

Which makes her worse because she wasn't like born a Nazi.

Yeah, she became that shit.

She became, I guess, she's awful.

Moth Jesus and Trudy had a heart-to-heart and woke up

for just a second.

And touch his probiscus as she was talking to her son for the first time since he woke up from his coma with his temporary reprieve because he only got a teeny, teeny, tiny bit of that venom juice that you guys were in and out like candy.

Yeah, one experiment with, I know.

We're all trying to find the guy who did this.

Went into Russia and out of with zero casualties.

Yeah, I think we did do that.

A perfect op.

We didn't even crash the

blackhawk.

His assassination did not go as smoothly as what we just did.

The rock wasn't tweeting about it.

Some random guy didn't hear one blackhawk go down.

We did it perfectly, Will, and I will not stand for this slander of our team and our efficacy.

Canonically, Babe Ruth did get on the radio and announce that something crazy about Russia was true.

I want to be the first.

Just to quickly swing back to the Osama thing, you guys know that a lot of America found out, not just because of the rock, but because on the very next episode of Monday Night Raw, John Cena opened the show by announcing it to the entire crowd that did not know.

Wow.

And he wasn't allowed to say the word kill.

So he said, I have something to tell you.

Osama bin Laden has been compromised to a permanent end, and the audience lost their fucking fucking minds.

So that's just something to keep in mind.

Well, we'll see if anyone gets compromised to a permanent end this episode.

While all that was going on, Trudy realized that the moth that has been following you around since the facility was not Mothman's friend, but was in fact Relish Wet, speaker for the powers that be, who then stole the fucking power drive of Mothman's ship, blasted off into the sky with it, and ripped open a hole in the fabric of space and time, thus commencing the hour of the hole.

Nice.

I've got a question.

Yes.

The whole podcast, I've been wondering if hole was spelled H-O-L-E or W-H-O-L-E.

Nope.

There you go.

But now I suppose it's hole.

Like whole foods.

Correct.

No.

No, H-O-L-E, a hole in the sky.

Like

donuts, baby.

It's actually more like a breach in the hole of our reality.

So it's like H-U-L-L.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Relish, wet,

open up the hole for the powers that be.

Yes.

Zuzel.

job is he's going to stop the powers that be yes and we have the keys necessary to awaken zuzel or to kill Zuzel.

Keys necessary to awaken Zuzel.

No, okay.

The keys are for you.

The keys are for you.

It's my fault.

I made it too complicated.

The keys are for the people at Peachyville who want to call up.

Anyone who's complaining about this, why don't you just boot up Kingdom Hearts and then you come back to us?

Yeah, Will.

Don't say it's too complicated.

We're dumb.

I watch Lost every two to three years, right?

I still don't know what's going on.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Will.

I'm not going to interrupt anymore.

No, no, no, that's fine.

Is Is this coffee?

Yeah, yeah.

For real?

Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no.

For real?

Beth is like fucking torqued up right now.

I don't know what I feel.

Beth kicked off her shoes and it's just like,

I like this Beth energy, though.

I do like this new Beth energy.

I like this Beth energy, too.

Can I get through explaining

how long the show Beth has been playing for a year?

Yes.

I'm just saying, I'm from over here.

I look over at Beth and she's blurry.

High frequency vibrations.

All right, okay.

The powers that be of torn openness veil veil between their world and yours, through which they wish now to impregnate the earth and turn it into a god.

Zuzel, the god slayer, is the forsworn enemy of the powers of the bee and wishes to destroy them, but can only be summoned into this earth by the sacrifice of 10,000 souls, which is what the bisons, the cult that is running

Peachyville, want to accomplish PC Ville.

More like fucking...

Ah, more like fucking PCville.

They say anything anymore.

They are trying to summon Zuzel and destroy the town to save the world.

However, there are three keys of which you have acquired, one of which Francis found out last episode.

Dr.

Dog was pulling from the stomach of the dollmaker and got bonked on the head, but then he fucking ripped the heart out of the chest of the guy who bonked her on the head.

With those three keys, you can access a weapon at the heart of Project Heartland designed to kill whatever they have summoned forth.

Basically, the keys can let you stop Zuzel from being saved.

Okay, that's what I said.

Yes.

All right.

Well, then you guys got it.

Yeah, that's right.

If we did nothing,

the world would be saved, but Peachyville would die.

Yes.

That's correct.

If we do something, we then have to also come up with another something to stop the powers that be.

What is it?

We did nothing.

We just said Peachyville would die.

I know.

We literally just said.

But now I'm not talking about theoretical.

I'm talking about like what's a good place for us to, we got a spaceship.

I guess we just hang out somewhere.

Falling from the sky.

Okay.

And then what's the moment we're at now?

So the spaceship's falling.

Space ships.

Yeah.

So Relish Wet used the powerful crystal that powers Mothman's ship to blast into the space.

Is it a J-Hoe crystal?

He just used the J-O crystal that powers Mothman's ship, and he detonated it even higher in space than you guys are to rip open this hole.

So now, and he's torn a hole through the ship, which is now plummeting through the atmosphere.

Someone needs to plug this hole.

So, we will start in Media Res in the room where this just happened, which is this chamber in the center of Mothman's ship.

Trudy, you are there with your son and Mothman.

There's a blast of light as this hole is ripped through the top of the ship.

Air is now pouring out of this hole.

It's getting bigger and bigger.

The whole fucking room is shaking and going crazy.

Mothman grabs you and Timmy, kicks the fucking door open, pushes you guys out, and slams the door shut behind you guys so that it's sealed off now.

All three of you have narrowly escaped being sucked out into the upper atmosphere of the earth, and you are now inside the ship.

Everything is shaking around you.

Alarms are going off like fucking crazy.

Lights are flickering because presumably the fucking power nexus that drives this ship has been torn asunder and you find yourselves falling like a rock.

You hear an eerie whistle as air tears through the ship.

And then Mothman mashes a button on the side of the wall, and your goo tubes drain, and you guys all mid-dream.

Remember when in your dreams, there was like a weird shaking sound?

That shaking sound was what was fucking happening.

You guys are really good at pretending you remember the shaking sound.

It was very convincing.

And then you guys all stumble out of your goo tubes.

Mr.

Moth.

The moth is not a moth.

What, Mothman?

No, no, no.

Mothman is Mothman.

He's everything.

Everything is falling.

No, it's the moth.

The small, little, like, cute animal moth was not a moth.

Whatever, we're falling.

Can you stop this?

Mr.

Mothman, use the user ship.

Everyone, calm down.

Everyone, stay calm.

Everyone, calm down.

Everyone, stay calm.

Everyone, stay calm.

We're calm.

Calm.

Be calm.

Center yourself.

We don't really tell women on our planet to be calm.

Calm down, no one.

Mothman goes over to like a big computer and he's like slapping buttons and like you see all this like moth language filling the screens and he's like, this is a dire situation we find ourselves in.

We need focus.

We need to pay attention to to what is happening right now.

Okay, do you want help or not?

What do you think?

What do you need us to do?

Yeah, the ship is falling at a rapid rate through the upper air levels of the Earth's atmosphere.

Yes, as you can see, we are plummeting through the Earth's atmosphere.

Does that mean we're like kind of zero-g like when they do the vomit comet?

Ooh, that's a good question.

Yeah, a little bit, like a little bit, yeah, a little bit zero-g in tower of terror.

Do you like lift up?

Are you floating?

You do a little bit for a split second for sure for a split second.

But remember, acceleration has a secondary, right?

level it's 9.8 meters per second per second so it actually goes up i mean the spaceship probably has gravity you can will it's your fucking canvas paint what you want

do whatever you want baby it could have a gravity shield it could be whatever it could be it doesn't have to be dropping straight it'd be gliding slightly downwards not planes don't just normally drop at critical you know okay you guys are floating kind of sort of as this ship shakes and rattles and like you know its speed is varying because it's hitting increasing levels of wind resistance you get to get bounced around a little bit okay mothman you say do you want help or do you you want just your big strong man you want to share it out of yourself mothman needs to think all right everybody let the dm think for you

think let the yummy she get us out of this problem let him think let him think we are rapidly approaching the earth upon impact we'll all die unless we think of a way to stop this situation

we should think of a way out of this situation oh wow i know idea man over here according to my calculations we have and he turns dramatically to the camera four minutes until this ship burns up upon re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere because we got so high to show that stupid dog.

I'm sorry, I'm getting stressed out.

So we're gonna go.

Moth Jesus, I have an idea.

Yes, you can fly, and maybe I have a mole on my body that lets me fly, and then we could escape the ship while it's in the atmosphere, and then we could.

You have the floating thing, right?

Oh, yeah.

If we all stay on Trudy, wait, no, that wouldn't work.

I was like, maybe if we all stay on Trudy, like we'll fall to the ground, but we'll stop at six inches.

Yeah, yeah, but that'll momentum will carry us all the way down the remaining six inches.

I know everything

You're right.

No, that wouldn't work.

Moth Jesus has an idea.

Moth Jesus turns to Francis, who, as we all know, now has a new Trudy leg.

And he runs over to your leg and he pokes a mole on the side of your leg.

And you're right, now I'm lopsided.

Now one of your legs begins to hover.

And then he's, you see, like, the gears turning for Mothman.

He's like, wait, yes, yes, yes.

And he runs over to the spare Trudy parts section and like brings out like a tub of legs.

Oh my God.

Okay.

You are giving us this big box full of gams.

We could simply strap these gams upon us

and then press the moles.

These legs could go all the way down.

Trudy, do you mind if I grab some of your legs?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Trudy, do I have consent to push every possible mole on your body?

Yes.

Mothman paces around.

He's like, yes, yes, excellent.

You can use these legs.

You can use whatever little amount of hovering capability they have to safely descend.

And he presses another button and like the side of the ship pops open and you guys are like over the Atlantic Ocean.

Oh, that's going to be bad.

We'll be six inches above it.

Does that work on what?

Hoverbirds don't look on water.

Dude, what do you mean?

Let's do it.

What's happening, Francis?

We need like a foot array.

Like how many feet bundle the feet together?

We're hats.

Like a raft.

Yes,

do we have something to tie all these legs together to create a sort of foot booster rocket?

Wires in here, right?

We can grip wires on the walls.

This fucking ship is done.

This ship is fucked.

Everyone grab wires and run with them.

No, like, look at this table we have.

Yes.

There's four feet on it, but they are not Trudy's feet.

If we added more feet to it, they're all Trudy's feet that all boost six inches off the ground, and we all sit on that table.

Yes.

Like, would that be good?

Yes.

Let us grab wire to tie these feet.

I'm asking Mothman because he's the shrubbery.

You wish to fashion some sort of raft out of these legs.

Yeah, how many legs do we have?

DM slash Mothman?

Slash Trudy.

How many legs?

Got Trudy.

Also, the way they work, it's not just they're going to fall at normal speed and then stop six inches above the ground, right?

Yeah.

Because they are absolutely dead they have to have some sort of propulsion to keep yeah that's what i'm saying is can we activate them so that they slow descend us so the way

what letter in in your encyclopedia are you did you get up to well depends on what you mean get up to what letter did you finish a piece of holes rips off and now you're staring at the open air outside

not a lot like i've dabbled in lots of letters but like in terms of like where i would actually tabled in lots in terms of like what i would publish like that's why i'm asking mothman i'm not a rocket scientist that's way too many letters what is the diameter of all of these feet put together Mothman, just estimate how big this table of feet is.

But Trigger, I trust you.

You're strong, so your feet must be strong too.

And we got a lot of your feet.

Looks like you're getting up to F today.

Mothman takes one of the legs on the table and says, let us observe how long the hover boot lasts for.

And he presses the like hover mole.

Oh, God, I hope it's less than four minutes.

And like, you're staring at it.

Well, here's what I was going to say, is that it's six rounds to fall once we get out and start doing, you know, the fucking initiative.

And we'll say that you get like three rounds of thrust out of this cover boot wait three rounds and then turn them all on i get three rounds of thrusts in the bedroom

that's so sad

three pumps three pumps three pumps are done bet 18 seconds that's what they call me

18 seconds ago

18 seconds of thrust that's not even a youtube ad break

you can skip it and i do skip it wait can i just buy him for a sec yes

Go ahead.

I mean, I barely passed.

What are you looking for?

They're just parachutes.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Mothman.

What about these wing suits over here?

It feels like there's some safety oversight in the construction of this.

This ship is designed for moths who have wings.

We do not think that hard about how we're going to save it.

Quick question.

Quick question, Mothman.

What are the safety features of this craft?

And when you say that, Mothman's bug eyes go a little bit wider and he says, yes, yes, of course you all remember it because you used it the goo the goo yes we could surround ourselves in goo and just put your back in the goo tubes fill those goo tubes up again and that's that is a different goo franco that is the healing goo you've seen one goo you see them all suborbital goo yes there is a non-newtonian landing goo that you have used in the past to safely land at a great distance i just recall people later told us we used it wrong because we made it soft and then we made it hard so which one is it it is an aldrich incomprehensible

will that work you tell us I've never done this kind of crazy maneuver before.

I was thinking this would be like a group project that we would figure out together.

Maybe.

A group project.

Science project.

Francis, you remember this.

And I'm sure, Trudy, I mean, I know you have

to be like someone that's a robot.

But the egg falling, I know that's a parachute, but you try to protect the egg as much as you can when you throw it off the top.

Okay.

So how about this?

It's not just one thing when you do.

Yeah, just do all the stuff.

Multiple.

Yeah.

Mothman, if you don't mind, if you consent to this, we tie you up and you are like the top of the parachute.

We don't have a parachute, but you can be like the top of the parachute.

parachute i can be the wings of the parachute we tie the table up to you so you're flapping upwards as much as you can we put every leg on the bottom of the table that's getting some thrust up

that's two pieces of thrust right yes and then we get all the goo and put it on and put it on a container on the table and we'll all sit in that goo

and we hope is there enough goo to like cover ourselves in the shoes yeah i see i see we put a big okay so just so i understand what you're talking about is like mothman has a big work table yeah the one that he had trudy on it's in an indiana jones 2 inflatable raft jump out of the plane plane situation.

Okay, so there's a raft.

We're filling that goo up with raft.

Got one for the Cali.

We're filling the raft up with goo.

And then connecting Mothman to the raft and putting the legs on the bottom of the table.

The table has like 20 legs now, and all the people on it are gooed up, and Mothman is kind of trying to pull it from the top as much as he wants to.

I'm hoping that's going to slow us down.

So the legs are sticking to the bottom of the table.

Yes, yes.

There's like a layer of goo on top of the table

so that whatever thrust the legs don't help with, the goo will cushion our front.

The goo will break the rest.

We're all sitting on top of it, crisscross applesauce.

No, we're laying on our backs.

And like, if I remember correctly from my fucking anxiety analysis of everybody who has survived from fucking airplane crashes and parachute failures, you want to be at like a seven degree angle, like slightly, because you're essentially trying to be like a piece of paper when you drop it on a table.

And, you know, you get like that little air pressure.

So the best way to land is on your backs.

See you telling your background.

You want to land as fly people who survive.

We put our tray tables and seats up.

We shouldn't be doing that.

You have an airplane.

The most likely chance to survive is to spread your arms and your legs out and hit your back.

Well, but look, can I ask you a question?

Because I've heard the opposite of that.

I've heard that.

You're wrong.

Oh, no, but I want to hear why.

I want to hear why, because I've heard there's a world where you're going to be an air pocket.

It has nothing to do with your bones or anything else.

All that's going to kill you is the deceleration, is the instant stopping.

So you're trying to make as much of an air pocket as possible.

You're also trying to hit like a slope.

Like you want to see any sort of slight hill.

You're trying to

do any sort of slowing down.

This This does remind me, by the way, I've always thought that a really fun video game would be a fully

physically accurate

get thrown out of an airplane somewhere randomly over like a Google Earth specific topography.

And you'd be like, good luck.

So Trudy is the smallest.

I'm laying down on my back.

And then Blake is on top of me on his back.

And then Trudy and then Francis.

So we're like a pancake

and Timmy.

And Timmy.

But there's a layer of like jelly separately.

In between each, like a sandwich.

And Timmy is on the back of the dog with that sandwich.

No, no, no Timmy's still conscious.

Yeah, yeah.

Timmy doesn't have to be on his own back.

Yeah, yeah, you're holding Timmy.

In between every layer, everyone's holding the other person up so that there's as much of a cushion layer as possible.

Like a slinky.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like a layer cake?

Yes, yes, yes.

We all have our chest.

Our chests have been glazed like post-cumb shot, and we're all holding up the other person so that our arms will break the fall a little bit and then they'll hit our gooey chest and slow down even more.

Can we retract that statement from this like Congress?

Can we retract the statement?

Is that a cup shot?

Like, more like we just ate jello messy?

I love those pornos when it looks like that she just ate some jello messy.

I love those porno.

Wow, he ate a lot of jello.

He must have liked her a lot.

They're like messy jello compilation.

I believe it's called a yumbalation.

Try not to eat jello.

Okay.

Then again, you have precious little time to put this together.

Yeah.

Now here's a question for you.

Okay, we're already in the goo, so I hope it's doesn't require us leaving the goo.

How are we going to press the buttons on the moles?

Okay, shit.

That's a good point.

Okay, the moles are on the other side.

Mothman, you can fly?

Mothman, can't you just press the buttons?

I know you're tied, but you're not like strapped to it.

You're like Mothman press.

Yeah, Mothman presses it.

Press the buttons.

Very well, I will press the buttons.

And then fly up and press the buttons.

And then fly up and use your powerful wings as much as you can to, you know, continue to add thrust.

Okay, great.

All right, so this is what we're going to do.

You're dropping through the air.

The ship is tearing itself apart.

You manage to frantically use the goo to stick these legs onto the bottom of the table, let's say.

Oh, I forgot to say one very important thing.

As Mothman is loading you into the goo troopies, you're getting like stuck onto whoever, he gives you guys this like centrifuge-ass machine.

He says, Protect this dearly, for it is the only thing that can synthesize more antidote for your son.

Oh, I'm holding Timmy.

Somebody else hold this.

Tell Timmy to hold it.

Tell Timmy to hold it.

Can you hold it?

I mean, I can try, mom, but I don't know what I'm going to pass out.

I don't know how long I hold it.

I'll hold it.

I got

the soft, and I'm the softest, so I'll protect it.

Kelsey's gonna hold it.

Timmy, I've got you.

Okay, no matter what happens, I love you all.

You are a great team.

We're gonna get through this.

Yes, Kelsey, do not talk in this way.

I just let you know I love you guys.

Okay, that's fine.

Yay!

I changed my body.

I love 75% of you.

Mothman opens this cargo chute door.

You've now dropped to the point where your blood won't boil from being exposed to Amazon, so that's great.

Good for you.

There's weird.

We're a boy than one of his cunning DM traps, team.

Good work

that he told us about.

The wind is whipping furiously around as Mothman pushes this leg table out of the door.

You are now plummeting through the atmosphere.

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This rig falls out of the ship and you find yourselves for a moment just sailing through the atmosphere, looking at the fucking waves of the Atlantic lapping up miles.

Just like the end of Toy Story 3, if all of us were in goo, we couldn't move or see each other.

Nice.

But we all feel the rivalry.

And if we all had an incinerator, it was you were falling to the earth.

I'm just looking at the back

head.

Mommy minds like an emergency stop button.

He's like, where's your kid now?

It's a lonely way to die.

You're sailing through the air, and for a moment, there's just this quiet as you hear the wind whipping around you.

And then

you hear a cosmic shudder and a spasm.

And again, as you look up into the stars above you, you can see this hole in the sky.

You can see this strange tear in the space-time continuum.

Who's at the top?

Only that person sees it.

Everybody else is sitting in the back of somebody else.

All right, so Trudy and he's looking over Timmy's shoulder.

You guys aren't like stacked a little bit, so you you could all be lying and still be able to see.

We're arranged like a fanned-out deck of cards.

So everyone's like peeking over around the corner.

Perfect us.

Hello, hello, hello.

As you look up, something bursts through that hole.

This fucking massive, just a cosmic space dick fucking penetrates through this hole and shoots down to the earth.

It's faster, like a dick?

It's a hideous, writhing,

tentacle-like

writhing not even finished pulsing writhing mass of eldritch flesh it's probably like about half a mile around it just slams through this hole and then blasts straight deep into the atlantic ocean beneath you and hear a shudder and a shake as it rattles the whole world with the forks of it coming through is some jrpg shit dog uh is is it circumcised that would be implying careful anthony yeah you have to be really careful anthony why because you might have to make a sanity roll dude either way it's implying that one type of dick is better than the other.

No, I'm not saying better or anything.

I'm saying if we have to attack this thing, I need to know if we have two layers of flesh to get through or just one.

If you want to hear

it, it's cut or not, you're going to have to listen to the uncut version of our podcast.

It does not appear to be circumcised.

No, there's not an eldritch fucking.

It's going to be harder to get into.

It's easier for it to jerk on.

So, yes, this thing slams into the ocean.

It tears straight through Both Dance's ship.

You tarried yet a moment longer with your goofs and jeeps.

It might be

destroyed you all.

Ha, good thing we're not there.

Could be us.

The force of it knocks you for a second.

You find yourself swinging around from side to side.

What happens to the Atlantic Ocean beneath us?

Fucking tsunami shit there, dude.

Fucking shit.

So this dig hit.

It dig hit.

It hit the earth.

Like the earth, unfortunately, has been penetrated.

Yes.

It's been hit.

It's been hit.

But you don't know what's going on yet.

I mean, I have an idea.

You know what's next?

I'm a 50-year-old woman.

There's only so many things that can happen next.

We don't know how long it takes for

completion

Eldritch God or how long it takes for all that to happen.

We're really hoping that whatever is on the other side of that hole is doing some like, this doesn't normally happen sort of thing, right?

Like it's taking some time.

Or is it a one-pump?

Yeah, now I get it.

We don't want it to ejaculate.

Yes.

God.

I didn't come up with this.

I didn't come up with this, Freddie.

Yeah, went back to Blade.

Don't shoot the come messenger.

Yeah, the ejaculation is when the world ends.

I mean, that's true.

That's what the gods think that, but also you shouldn't end just with the ejaculation.

Yeah, that's what I learned in Catholic school, too.

That's why I cried when I masturbated until I was 14.

Here's a good lubricant.

What happened at 14?

Where you're like, well, but it hasn't happened yet.

At that point, I figured it was too late.

I wasn't going to do those golden gates.

Why mother crying about it?

I'm going all the way down.

It became an act of rebellion.

Better to jump.

It is better to jork in hell than

no fasting.

Tonight, we jork in hell.

hell.

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right is what I would decide every time.

Yep.

So brave.

So brave.

Okay, so yes, that's fucked up.

Fucked up, crazy thing happens.

I feel like that's enough that everyone should give me a sanity roll.

That's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw a giant.

That's valid.

I saw a giant eldritch cock, dude.

Francis should have to take a fucking double sanity roll because he's a young boy.

And they don't have the same amount of porn in the 50s.

And now he's really getting like his understanding of what an average size is is now way out of control.

It's really

gonna kill himself.

Francis detaches from the goo and goes, never mind.

Like he's speed running whatever your boy's going through when they first start watching porn.

He's like, whoa, what?

I'm supposed to be able to do that.

I get a super success.

Trudy is not surprised by that.

He massively failed.

I get a super success.

I failed.

You failed?

Yep.

Give me a 1D

8.

Wow.

Jeez.

That's how big.

Well, I remember in Peace Paper we're talking about how like the idea of just like seeing a monster making you insane.

Seven.

It's kind of bullshit, but I gotta say, you gave us something that I'm like, yeah, I would say that's a good thing.

I've ever seen this would make you go insane.

Yep.

I have 33 sanity remaining.

I got three.

And you got an eight, Francis?

No, I got a seven.

I started with 40.

Okay.

And now I have 33 sanity remaining.

All right.

Francis, give me an intelligence roll.

You want to fail this.

You're going to fail this one, guys.

My intelligence is a 65, and I rolled a 62, and I'm assuming I can't spend luck to make myself dumber.

Oh, so you succeeded?

I did succeed.

Francis, you are now the monster size of the.

Just everything about what's going on has, for the moment, sent you into a state of utter shock.

It's so big.

Oh, no, Francis, Francis.

How can I match up to that?

Give me a 1D ten roll.

Francis, let me just tell you that a good book is more satisfying.

Leo, you're not getting the right dicks.

You're not reading the right books.

One book is better than none.

Inside you are two wolves.

One is not getting enough dicks.

The other is not getting enough books.

I got five.

For the next four rounds, Francis, you suffer severe paranoia.

Everyone is out to get you.

No one can be trusted.

Everyone knows how small my dick is.

Yes, for the next four rounds, you do not trust anyone you are currently glued to in this fucking goo team.

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here.

And I'm trying to struggle against the goo.

Who's underneath Francis?

See, it probably go Kelsey, Blake, Francis, Trudy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.

Yeah.

Blake, hold on to Francis.

Francis?

It's too big.

I can never, I'm not, I know I'm not a man.

I'll never be a man.

I'm nothing.

You, and you try to convince me that I could be something, but I can't.

I can't.

I'm not anything.

You're not anything.

Do you want me to choke him out?

I can just choke him.

The last thing I need after seeing him picked it.

Just let him work through it.

Oh, my God.

He's fine.

Just let him work through it.

Everyone give me a squat hunter.

roll.

Oh, fuck.

I don't think I would have.

Oh, my God.

I succeed so well.

I failed.

What?

You got an 82.

I failed.

I'm at the bottom.

I'm not the only person that dick distracted.

Yeah.

I think I got a super duper success.

Yeah, super duper success.

I got 99.

Okay.

No, I did poorly.

Trudy, what you notice more so than the size of this massive thing slamming into the earth is that it's covered in what appear to be like these big pustule-like sores like all over its surface.

That's normal, right?

Yeah, we all have that.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

I thought he said it as weird looking dick.

I thought he said it was a weird-looking dick.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

What do you mean you want me to wear a condom?

That's a prison, babe.

That's a prison.

This is how it's supposed to look.

I want to feel you.

You notice they're starting to burst.

There are things erupting from these things.

And some of them are now flying towards you.

Oh, my gosh.

If the whole final showdown takes place on like Cthulhu's dick in the middle of this,

this would officially be the most JRPG season.

Can you imagine if fucking instead of Rise of Skywalker just being a bunch of fucking floating ships in a thunderstorm, it was a giant dick?

That'd be great.

Somehow Palpatine got hard.

This is a good chance for us to roll initiative.

Not roll initiative.

But we're in goo.

We're not doing

it.

Don't we just get zero initiative because we literally can't move.

Just because they're like, like the way the goo works, like we are just like glued together, right?

No, but like, again, you can get out of the goo.

I don't want to.

But like, remember, because you guys landed when you guys jumped into the goo last time, when you dove, we can get out of it if we choose to.

If we move really slowly, we can get out of it.

But if you move fast, you're stuck in it.

Yeah, that's the way it works.

Like, we already had to push people in.

You get into the goo really slowly.

It's like Dune.

It's like Dune, dude.

No, but remember, like, all I mean is like, you guys landed on the goo, and then it just absorbed your impact.

Yeah.

And then you guys got off the goo.

Yeah, but we're inside of it.

But you're covered in it.

It's like goo, you're covered.

Yeah.

So we're like, if this was DND, we're in the gelatinous cube monster.

Yeah, Lord,

I don't know how you guys are going to continue.

I just want to understand,

and then we'll slowly get out.

But right now, we're panicking and falling, so that's not going to happen.

And if they try to hit us fast.

That's true.

Yeah, that's true.

Bro, they're going to have to hit us like in Dune, dude.

Yeah.

Because like the shields in the Dune with

Dune is slow.

Yes.

This motherfucker never seen Dunes before.

Somebody didn't pay attention when Duncan Idaho was giving Chris Knife lessons.

Nice.

That's my favorite type of action is when they're like, you can only get hit really slow.

Yes.

Maybe cooler in a book.

you see in the distance let's say six little pusuled fucked up guys hurtling towards you from this monster dick and they will be here in uh let's say one round so you have one round to prepare this is round one of six as you plummet towards the earth now what do they look like with the fucked up guys you know like basically like a little ball of

just like sentient pus yeah like just oozy probably the size of like a beach ball, I would say.

And they've got like a sort of trail of, yeah, like a ball of pus with like, you know, like a stringy trail of like, you know, you can't tell if it's organs or hair or something coming off the back of the sky.

How quickly are they moving?

Like the way that they move.

Are they like flitting about like insects?

Not to make it too, you know, sexual, but they're wriggling as one might imagine a sperm wriggling towards an egg.

They're grow sperm, I get it now.

Okay.

They're gross sperm.

Sky sperm.

Sky sperm.

Yes.

So that's what we'll call them.

The sky sperm.

The sky sperm.

The sky sperm.

sky sperm.

That's a sky sperm.

Six sky sperm are flying towards you.

They will be there in one round.

Beach ball to volleyball sized.

Very.

Ooh, volleyball even better.

Best making the motion of spiking it.

Team, note how quickly they are moving, and we have these special gel armor.

We can just retreat into the goo.

Yeah, just, I think, just stay.

You want me to stay where I am, don't you?

You guys, you want me to stay here so I can get fucked by this big old dick.

I'm not, I'm not, I can't, I can't, I can't get fucked again.

I can, I still joke him out.

Yeah, I think we're pretty vulnerable here.

I think inside the goo is probably the best option.

I mean, it doesn't matter.

No, but it means it's the worst option.

I don't trust anything you'd be worried about.

As you have this peak of paranoia, a car 98 rifle appears in your arms.

But it's got the pesky lock on it.

Ah, no, no, the guns.

You guys are working with me.

Brunhilda.

Brunhilda wants to kill me, too.

You guys are all.

And I throw Brunhilda off, and it's not going to matter because she's going to repeat right in my hands.

I'm going to go, ah!

So you throw Brunhilda over the side?

Yeah.

Slowly.

The goo, we have to move slow, and the goo, okay, yes, all right, so I'm doing it fast because I'm panicking.

Okay, so then it doesn't matter.

This is called Cthulhu, and I'm crazy.

Francis's action for this turn is going to be to frantically try to push Brunhilda out of the goo.

What would the rest of you like to do?

Um,

I'm gonna close my eyes and pretend it's not happening.

I feel like the goo is the safest spot.

I don't think I could do anything.

I don't have a weapon.

Mothman's up there.

I guess I'll say this: like, Mothman, any ideas?

Turned into me playing Dolly

against myself.

Like, I don't know why these are coming after us.

We have a pretty strong thing here.

Although, Kelsey, now that I'm thinking about it, doing the opposite of a come hither, look at them.

Mothman is not protected, so therefore, Mothman may be in danger.

Mothman, come join us in the goo.

No, no, no, no, no, he's not protected.

Well, let's go in order.

Let's go in order.

Blake, what are you doing?

Is Francis freaking out a little too much?

Yeah, I just don't let him.

Rear naked choke.

Rear naked choke.

You're gonna rear naked choke, Francis.

Yes.

The boy is popping off.

Give me a fighting brawl roll.

How is Francis going to oppose this?

Like that.

He's just going to flail wildly.

There's not a lot of people.

Are you trying to wriggle away from him or are you trying to fight back?

I don't know if there's even a possibility of me wriggling away.

I mean, again, you guys have a certain degree of freedom of movement in this goo.

Barely.

I'm literally connected to him, and I would be moving fast, which means it would go solid.

So I don't think Francis is in the right mind to do pretty much anything.

Does that give me any advantage?

Because he's like completely right in front of me and I'm in the position to begin with.

Here's what we'll say.

Yes, you can make your attack, but when and if Francis comes to, you are the first person on his shit list.

Okay, that's fine.

Do I get an advantage?

Yes.

So good.

Good.

The first roll was 84 out of 65.

That would have failed.

However, the second roll is 25, which is a super success.

We will say that at the end of your next turn, he will go unconscious.

Okay.

It is Mothman's turn.

So first, Mothman is going to do a strength check to see if he can keep you guys stable in the air.

Right now, you're sort of slowly falling.

And he is going to do a little bit of burst strength to see if he can hold this thing steady to rear himself up for an attack against these things next turn.

And then that song from Once plays.

He fails, so he like flexes and flaps his wings, but this is a lot of weight underneath him, and he strains.

And you kind of rise up for a second, but then drop back down as these, what do we call them, sperm whales?

Sky sperms.

As these sky sperms are flying towards you.

So that is Mothman's turn.

Skylander, Sky Sperm.

Skylanders, Sky Sperm.

Skylanders.

Favorite

franchise.

When's the next one coming out?

Who's the next Skylanders?

Francis, you already said what you're doing.

You are shoving Brunhilda out of this hole.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

I'm going to prime for the next round.

I'm going to take a page from one of the hot new books that Kelsey just read that she thinks is going to be great for her classroom.

I'm kind of pushing it, but, you know, again, I remember that we said this was like late 1950s.

This is 1961, but I'm just going to say that this is coming out.

She got the advanced copy.

James and the Giant Peach.

Okay.

Love it.

One of her favorites.

She's loving this.

She can't read a peach for hours.

Yep.

And she's going to do the trick that they did when they captured the birds to get the peach to fly.

So she's going to grab one of her many confiscated toys from the kids and get some of that cat's cradle yarn out.

And she's going to make a little noose.

She's slowly moving herself out.

So like her legs are like still in the goo.

Her legs are in the goo, but she's immersed.

She's going to carry her body's out.

And she's got a little noose.

And she's going to try to catch one of these things as it goes for a Mothman.

Okay.

And it's made of yarn?

Yeah, like, you know, Cat's cradle.

All right.

Pretty longstring, too.

You're going to try and lasso them.

Lasso it.

And we get enough of them.

We can fly away like a peach.

Nice.

Because I'm assuming that these things are going after Mothman, because for us, we just look like goo.

And then there's a creature there.

Like, I feel like, are they heading towards Mothman?

Yeah, I think from their perspective, like, their weird monster vision, it looks like a fucking giant caterpillar being carried by a bird.

Cool.

Yes.

And they're like, we got to impregnate that bird.

We got to motorboat that bird.

Trudy, it is now your turn.

Timmy's like, Mom, I can't reach you, but there's a switchblade in my left pocket.

Why would you have a switchblade?

Because I know it's just because they're cool.

I wanted a switchblade.

This is a time, Mom.

I'm sorry, Timmy.

I'm reaching into your pocket.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, is this gum?

Is this chewed gum?

What's the big deal?

I was going to have more of it later.

And then all this happened.

No, no, that's fine.

That's fine.

Okay, I've got the switchblade.

Okay, I can't really reach it, but if you need it, then it's there for you, okay?

Why would I need it?

Because I don't know.

Aren't we getting attacked or something like that?

No, baby.

We're fine.

Nothing bad has happened.

Stop.

Oh, you're always like this.

We can just admit that something bad is happening.

I'm really scared.

It's okay.

I'm scared too.

And we're going to get through this.

Okay, I have the switchblade, and if anybody comes near me or my baby, fuck it over.

That is now your turn, Trudy.

I'm going to press mole 21.

Give me a luck roll.

Okay, my luck is 33, and I roll a 15.

Ooh, okay.

As you press the button, a sigil appears on your forehead, and your eyes glow white.

And for a moment, you pierce through the veil of space and time and your consciousness is enlightened and you download a new spell.

This is my first spell.

Yes, you've got a spell now.

Congratulations.

You press the software update button.

Yes.

You press the software update button.

You have until your next turn to pick one spell from this book that you now know.

We are now back at the top of the turn order and it is the Skysperm's turn.

And so these six little wriggling pus fuckers zoom in.

We'll say three of them are going to attack Mothman, and three of them are going to try to fucking get through the goo to get it, the fucking juicy little human beings inside.

So we'll deal with the ones that are attacking Mothman first.

One of them, he manages to swat it away before it can get to him, but two of them slash onto him and you can hear him wince in pain as his body starts to sizzle and burn from their attack.

So it seems like they're hot, like we can kind of tell.

Yeah, they've got like an acidy burn thing going on.

Okay.

Because they might just be slithering back into the goo.

Just like, whoop, whoop, with your yarn.

Yeah, it sure feels like that yarn is going to get melted or burned pretty quick.

Mothman screams out in pain as he takes three damage from one of them.

He was going to take two damage from the other one, but that one landed on his harness and is currently burning through his harness.

And at the end of the fire vampire's next turn will burn through the harness he's wearing.

Blake, it is your turn.

I'm finishing the knockout.

Okay.

Francis is now unconscious.

You're welcome, sweet prince.

By the way, you guys are now five rounds from the ground.

It is now Mothman's turn.

Mothman is going to cast melt flush on the one that's burning him.

He basically claps this thing with both of his hands, which then sizzle, sort of counteract in the acid, and this thing just basically pops like a balloon right in front of him.

So that is one down.

It's got 12 million views on TikTok.

Like, don't go in the comments section on this one.

Do not go in there.

Francis, it is now your turn.

You have been knocked unconscious, but you're now astral projecting in the fucking air around you.

Is there anything you would like to do while you're flying around?

I think.

Considering you're mad with paranoia.

Yeah, mad with paranoia.

I think I'm just going to try to fly away as far as I can, away from the dick.

Away from the dick, away from the party.

Scout out the area around.

I'm not smart enough yet.

I'm crazy.

As you are hurtling away from the action, give me a spot hidden roll.

Okay, you don't see anything yet.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

Kelsey, seeing that these things seem to melt things right away, realizes that she changes tact

and takes that cat's cradle and just plays a little game of cat's cradle herself, making the upside down star the Antichrist.

And the rack witch has, and the rack witch is going to use very quickly.

And she's going to do rack on one of the, so the one that's melting the thing already is taken care of, right?

The one that was attacking Mothman is a taken credit.

Yeah, so I'm just going to shoot rack.

I'm going to go, stop.

The next one that looks like it's going to hit Mothman is the one I'm casting it on.

Okay.

I've also like sunk back into the goose.

Only my lips are like shooting out so I can speak.

rack you go rack okay how does rack work uh it's a pal okay a post pal role he got a success on his what did you get i got a success okay what happens in the event of a tie whoever has a higher pal wins oh my pal's only 25

his pal is 65.

oh wow so this thing goes

but uh you have successfully drawn its attention Great.

That's what I wanted.

Yes, on its next turn, it's going to attack you.

My lips just go back in, like Homer going back into the planet.

By the hedges.

Which actually reminds me that I said there were six fire vampires.

Only three of them have gone.

So we'll do the other three right now, which were the three that are trying to get to all of you.

Brace.

So we said that you guys have a non-Newtonian goo, and they have to wiggle through it slowly.

Yes.

Is that the idea?

All right.

Each one of the fucking...

They don't know that.

They don't, but I'm going to give them an intelligence role.

So we've got three of these guys.

They're literally just babies.

They're not even babies yet.

Yeah.

They're going to have.

That's right.

I've made a stand.

Farm are not already.

Farm are not alive.

What a bold stand from the guy who just talked about how much he likes masturbating.

We all do, right?

I'll tell you what.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

Speak for yourself, man.

If you didn't like it, it wouldn't be so popular.

Yeah.

That's fair.

All of you didn't like it, it wouldn't be popular.

Yeah.

You're a tastemaker.

You're a real tastemaker.

You're a real sinflux.

The original influencer, dude.

Do you imagine the first guy telling all the other guys?

Like the first one?

Like, hey i think everybody had that at school there was always the one kid who talked about it

and you're like you're lying you're lying oh that's not i know you just pee into women and that's how a baby happens what i don't know what you're talking about

third type of thing that no way there's the third option but they were all of them deceived

but there was another

All you can think about is that fucking line from Renatoe where he's like, I don't like jerking off.

I love it.

If I don't love it, I don't finish.

One can get too familiar with vegetables, you know.

What else could that line possibly mean?

It definitely is about jerking off a vegetable.

There's literally no other way to take that line.

So I'm giving them an intelligence role.

One of them got a five, so that's one that is smart enough to realize how it works.

Am I smart enough?

Yeah.

The other one got a 94, so two does not get it.

Am I dumb enough?

And the other one got a 91.

So one of of the final three is smart enough to realize that it can weasel its way in to fucking start biting people.

Or maybe it sees the other two bounce off.

Yeah.

And it goes,

wait a minute.

Just like a Chris knife.

This fucking flying sky sperm is red.

Just red dune.

It's playing the Dune MMO.

It starts wriggling its way through.

And next turn, it's going to be through that goo.

It's going to fucking bit.

It's going to be through that goo.

It's going to be through that goo.

It's going to be biting someone.

Right now, it's got I am Matt, the rock witch, who just tried to rack its sperm buddy.

All right, that that brings us to Timmy, who is going to like, mom, what should I do?

What do you want me to do?

I don't know, Timmy.

Just hold on tight.

Okay, I will.

He's on top, right?

So he doesn't, he just kind of holds himself in like a sort of self-soothing gesture.

Yeah, that's fair.

Trudeave, it's your turn.

What would you like to do?

What spell did you choose?

Got a couple of questions first.

Are there more sperm coming out of the thing?

Yes.

I mean, these things are popping like crazy.

There's a cloud of these little goo guys forming around the the monster cock that's ramming into the earth.

So they're going after cities and shit.

Yeah, well, who knows, right?

You don't know what they're doing, but they're not.

I've actually meant from the hole in the stars.

Oh, no.

It's just this one thing.

Just this one thing.

Okay.

Is that not enough?

You want two dicks?

So Trudy is going to

pull back a part of her arm flesh, revealing the steel below.

Interesting.

And she's going to take Timmy's switchblade.

That's like a tongue twister.

Take Timmy's Switchblade.

Timmy's Switchblade.

Timmy's Switchblade.

And she's going to carve a sigil into the steel.

Okay.

Time's figured it out.

Promise you'll stop.

I know.

You can't actually joke about that in this one.

She's going to hold her turn.

Okay.

What's the spell?

The spell is a little secret.

Okay.

Just a little scamp.

Just a little.

Does she discord us?

Do we know?

Is it going to happen?

I feel like Beth doesn't need to discord you, but I feel like Beth should discord me.

No, you shouldn't.

No, I know.

I didn't know when Cure Blindness was a thing during Mountain Death.

All right, fair enough.

All right.

All right.

You said she could have any spell.

Keep your secrets.

You have one in the chamber.

You've got a spell.

I've got a spell in the chamber.

You have a mystery spell on her hands.

Very well.

Well, that's your turn then.

Which brings us back to.

Did you just become a rack witch?

Are you just part of the rack crew?

You would have sensed the birth of another rack witch.

Yeah, she's like, there's no

process of elimination.

She did not choose rack.

Because I didn't feel anything.

I didn't feel anything.

It is now the fire vampire's turn.

Just so you know what stat block I'm using.

It is now the Skysperm's sperm's turn.

One of them did not get racked.

One of them had attempted to get racked and was now provoked Kelsey's ire.

So I'm going to split the fire vampires up into two groups.

So, group one, which are the ones attacking Mothman, the one that's on the harness stops trying to burn through the harness and tries to attack that non-Newtonian goo and is going to take an intelligence role to see if it knows how to get up in that goo.

And it got a 70,

which is uh not gonna do it.

Another enraged sky sperm.

It's just like only one sperm gets into the egg.

Just like that.

And you know what?

Each one of us is that.

Yeah, think about it.

I read about that.

It's actually like, you know, there's some, oh, you're the strongest sperm.

No, the sperm in front of you breaks down the barrier.

And then the very next sperm behind that goes, thanks, bitch.

And then goes in the egg.

So we're just going to be.

So we're the smartest.

Yeah, we're a bunch of fucking

line cutters.

I always thought that would have been a great game like Fall Guys, but you're all the sperm.

And it's like one of those platforming battle royales, and you're all like the last one gets to be a baby.

That's very fun.

And it's like you win, everyone's like, oh, all this.

And then it just trips, just like procedurally generates what your life is.

She's like, whoa, that was a serial killer.

So the fire vampire

keeps saying the fucking wrong thing.

Is breaking my immersion sperm?

Sperm, Sky Sperm.

Shut up, Matt.

Shut up.

Sky Sperm.

The Skylander Sky Sperm.

The one that Mothman had managed to fend off before comes circling back around for another attack.

Mothman tries to fend this thing off with a beefy right hook, but it fails completely.

And this thing gloms onto him and is going to roll some burn damage.

So Mothman's flesh sizzles again, and he takes another three points of damage, bringing him down to a scance.

Four hit points.

Whoa, Mothman's at four?

Yeah, dude.

Dude, we gotta do something about that.

Blake, it is your turn.

Who's getting attacked by these things?

Mothman is brawling with one of them, and four of them are now trying trying to wriggle their way in towards you.

One of them is going to make it in next turn, and then some more of them are going to get intelligence checks to see if they can do that.

Okay, well, the one that's about to make it in, I just want to grab it by its tail and go, ooh,

it'll burn you.

The tail?

I mean, I guess we don't know.

Yoink.

And then just fling it into the table.

Like Hulk.

You're trying to smash him?

Yeah, I'm just going to smash him.

Okay.

I like this.

With your Hulk hands.

My powerful Hulk hands.

My workman's hands.

All right, we're going to say that this turn, well, let's do a fighting maneuver to see if you grab a hold of it.

And we'll say, because it's it's mostly burrowed into the goo it cannot oppose this so give me an advantage yeah because it's going real slow yeah it's it's already stuck in the goo 26 fighting braw is already a super success 21 is already is a super success so give me a strength roll this is to pull it out of the goo 98 what the oh no how'd i get two good rolls and then the strength i mean that's how fun that's how everything works well i'm just gonna hold him okay so you've got a good grip on him so you you you've succeeded in your fighting move and you pull but you can't quite get him out but now your arm is exposed which means you are the other ones can bite you if they want to.

I don't know.

Well, no, but here's what I can do.

He fumbled.

I go,

I just put my arm into the goo.

Now it's stuck in the goo with me.

We'll say that you can do that on your next turn.

You're going to be exposed for a turn.

But yes, you've got a grip on this thing.

And next turn, you can try again to break it out, and it cannot move forward without succeeding in an opposed strength roll against you, which is good for you guys.

How do you want to play the fumble?

We'll say this: when you first grab it, you do not burn or anything like that, but you, in fact, squeeze so hard that it's like ringing a sponge.

And as you ring the sponge of this thing, you are going to take burn damage.

Okay.

So you are going to take two damage from burn.

That's a spicy sponge.

So yes, your arm is starting to sizzle like a hot steak.

Everyone, grip it gently.

Not too hard.

Not too hard.

Gently grasp it.

Gently grasp it at the base, everybody.

It is now Mothman's turn.

Kind of up to you, bud.

Mothman is going to try to punch this thing square in the fucking face as he's brawling with it.

And he got a success.

Oh, he got a six.

He fucking just uses his claws and manages to just grab this thing and just pop, just squeeze it with one

firm squeeze and this thing explodes in front of him.

Oh, we're going to

grasp it.

He's going to have to make a dodge roll to avoid getting burned by it, though.

He fumbles on his dodge.

Okay.

Mothman is down to one HP.

So this thing explodes in front of him.

He's like,

fucking, you see, like, acid eating into the flesh of his wings as he's starting to panic.

And not panic, but he's just, he's gritting it out and he's he's still able to stay aloft, but he's he's hurting.

Fortunately, no one is attacking him anymore.

Francis, it's your turn.

Francis, as you fly, as you continue to just Superman your way away from the fight in the astral plane, you spot something because you're close enough to it now.

You see...

a massive airplane flying through the sky.

You recognize it as the plane that you guys flew to Parsi Cobo on.

This is the spy plane that dropped you guys off when you jumped out of it.

They're swinging back around and you can just make out Ebenezer White and Yaroslava Baranova flying the fucking thing.

This was all a psyop.

They set all this up to show me a big dick and make me realize what a dot of a man I am.

This is all about me.

That's it, Jesse.

It's all about me.

Are you saying this out loud?

Why not?

He's in the sauce and also in liminal space, yeah.

As you say that, you hear a voice in your head.

What's up, Sticky Pete?

Who's Sticky Pete?

Who is this?

This is Ebenezer White.

Come in.

Is this Francis Fonsworth?

Do you read?

And you realize that your ghost thoughts are beaming over the radio to these people.

Oh, no.

There's a ham radio operator somewhere being like, Jesus, this is right.

Ah, just so your voice, you can hear what I'm saying.

Oh, this is great.

This is just Francis, this is Ebenezer White.

Where are the rest of the cutter roll screams?

Oh, you'd love to know that, wouldn't you?

So you could just get with them and point at me and laugh at me.

Damn it, Telly,

pull yourself yourself together, young man.

Oh, I'm not a man.

I know that now.

I'm a baby boy.

I'm just a boy.

The boy's gone insane.

But the screams are out there somewhere.

They're somewhere nearby.

We have to rescue them.

Kelsey, it is your turn.

Before retracting my lips into the goo, I will take one final pass attempt at casting rack.

I got two bullets, both of which don't work very well.

But I will cast a rack.

I'll go stop.

at one of the guys are you aiming at the one that is trying to burrow its way in or are you trying to Yes, I will do the one that's burrowing its way in.

Because it's in there.

So like you just kind of like.

Yeah, the one you're holding.

Yeah.

Yes.

You kind of just like wiggle your lips up to it and whisper.

I don't need to be at it.

I just need to be able to say it out loud.

I don't know how well sound travels in this fucking goo.

I mean, I don't think it's really bad because it goes in.

It goes.

It's not a sound way.

Sure, fair enough.

Fair enough.

Fair enough, Matt.

Okay, yes.

Give me the spell.

I have 25 pow, but I got 13, so I think I need a 12 to be a super success.

Oh, okay.

So you want to sprinkle a little luck on that?

Yeah, let's do it.

I'll use one.

I can use one, right, team?

Yeah, stop a rack of your luck.

Yeah, I got 12.

Stop a rack.

You could have used one luck to stop what the Americans did.

I would have.

I would have done it.

Jesus.

I have 11 luck now.

A lot of bad rolls.

That was a good one.

I rolled a 13.

I need a 12 for it to be a super success.

To be under half.

Under half.

Okay.

Yeah, because it's 25.

So I was like, all right.

Please, what did he get?

So he got literally, he has a 65 and he got a 32, which is one over the line.

So, you match him, we match him, and then yes, his power is higher than yours.

So, unfortunately, you do not succeed, bro.

You spent that one luck for nothing.

No,

you spent 10% of your luck on that.

Yep.

Okay.

Well, I got no more spells left, everybody.

I guess we'll just

do two spells.

I can only do it twice.

I didn't craft myself to be a rack witch.

I discovered it late in life.

You know, some are born rack witches, some have rack witches thrust upon them.

I know we can increase our other skills.

There's no way to increase our base characteristics, though, is there?

Well, don't worry, next turn, he's got the fucking alpha name to deal with.

I'll do his old-fashioned way, and I slowly raise my fists to do a boxing pose.

Timmy, seeing Mothman getting fucked up and seeing that you, his mom, are in peril and all your friends, and seeing how fucking dire this situation is, he's had enough and he's decided he's going to do something.

So he is going to use his turn to push out of the goo and prepare himself to fight these fucking monsters.

Timmy, no, you can't.

We've got to do something.

I can't just sit here and watch.

I can't lose you again.

Piper, no.

So he is going to start clawing his way out of the goo, and next turn he's going to be out of the goo and ready to fuck some shit up.

That just means we need to end this now.

What's that spell you got?

Trudy.

I can't use it right now.

Gotta be more useful than my rack spell that has a 0% chance of working, essentially.

Trudy, it's your turn.

I think I have something a little more fancy than a rack spell, maybe.

And I take out my gun.

Oh, I forgot you have a gun.

Okay.

All right, I'm going to aim for the middle one, not the one.

The middle.

Yeah, not the one that's closest, not the one that's farthest.

Give me a firearms roll.

The closest, easiest, biggest one.

Let's see.

I've been rolling good all day.

I know this is going to be a bad one.

Bad, good.

What'd you get?

It was really, really, really good.

It was so good.

I got a one.

Look at this.

You got a one?

One.

It's a one.

Jesus Christ.

Fucking roll for damage.

This is just to know how hard you hit.

Roll a 1d10.

Three.

Okay.

Now add a 1d6.

Six.

Nice.

And add three.

Twelve.

So this thing absolutely fucking disintegrates as you fucking this gun goes, kaboom.

And Timmy looks down at you and almost falls.

He goes, Mom, you have a gun?

I have a gun, yes.

Oh, my God.

That's what I call using protection.

Okay.

He's going to take a sanity roll from hearing you talk about sex.

Okay.

Which he barely passes, but he says, well, give me my Switchblade back.

Okay, here.

Mom, give me my Switchback.

Mom, give me my Switchback.

And he takes the Switchblade back from you.

We're now back at the top of the turn hour, so we are now three turns from crashing into the briny deep.

Blake's turn.

Wait, no, it's the fire vampire's turn.

So we're going to give these guys their intelligence roll again.

The first one, super duper, fails.

The second one succeeds.

So one of these things starts burrowing its way in, and on the next turn, it's going to be fucking chomping at you guys.

And I'm holding on to that one.

You're holding on to the one one that's burning its way in so yes and now i adjust my grip like ah too tight and i will loosen my grip a little bit for pleasurable purposes and then i'm going to just try and extract him give me your strength roll again imagine if you were a sperm the guy starts pulling you back yeah and it's just like whoa whoa whoa whoa hey six a super duper success oh wow he got a nine so you beat him

Nice.

You manage to rip him out of the fucking goo.

I just want to slam him into the table.

Yes, go for it.

Give me your fighting brawl roll.

Four.

As you slam him into the table, he explodes.

Just pops.

However, comma.

What the fuck?

The table is now covered in acidic goo.

Oh, no.

We'll say the table has five hit points to eat through, and it has now taken one.

So it's down the.

Team.

Yes.

We're within three rounds of hitting the ocean because we're going the ocean, right?

Yes.

Activate retro boosters.

You mean that in three rounds, Napoleon will be master of Europe and only the British fleet will stand before him and oceans will become battlefields?

If only, Trudy, if only.

Mothman's turn, hearing you say that, he unbuckles himself from the harness because he has to disentangle himself to fucking get down there.

I thought the idea was that the harness allows him some free movement.

He's going to go down there.

He's still connected.

Yeah, I thought it was more like a climbing harness.

I see.

Okay.

All right.

So he's got enough freedom of movement to do that.

All right.

So then Mothman is going to dive underneath you guys and boops all these legs.

And all of a sudden, 10 truthy legs fucking turn on their hover mode and your descent begins to slow dramatically.

And you feel all of yourselves squish into that Newtonian fluid.

And whatever G-forces you would affect from this breaking maneuver are absorbed.

Now you have two rounds before you make contact with the ocean floor.

I think that this also gets anything that was on us.

I mean, it's like, whoa, where'd it go?

You know, all those things.

Oh, yeah.

Now there are two of these guys left, and now they are way below us.

Yeah, so they're below you.

Next turn, you guys will meet back up.

Damn, that's what we should have done.

We should have just continually toggled the legs so that the thing was always like swoop.

Like feather breaking.

Yeah,

they're just constantly missing us.

So Mothman does that, and then he flaps his wings and like, just sort of like collapses onto the heap to catch his breath for a second.

And then as he does that, everybody give me a listen roll.

I fumble.

You're deaf.

46, I fail.

Should I spend 30 luck in order to get this one in or what?

Guys, what do you think?

No luck.

21 succeeded.

There's a lot of jubilant cheering as Mouthman manages to fucking pump the brakes.

Well done, Mothman.

But Kelsey, you hear a faint, rapid popping sound as more and more and more of these fucking guys that you just fucked.

Don't worry, all subs do that when descending.

Holy shit.

Wow.

June 2025.

We're still getting the ocean gate, Joe.

Oh, my God.

Because I hear a a popping sound.

Yes, and you cast your eye towards where they're coming from, and you realize that there is a swarm of these skysperm coming for you that dwarfs the six that you just fought that are closing in rapidly.

They're not here yet.

It will take them a couple turns.

But there's a wall of these things coming towards you.

Can be here before we hit the water?

Yes.

Okay.

Francis, it is your turn.

Your paranoia shakes off of you.

Oh, good.

You're far enough away now that it looks smaller from here.

Wait, Francis, are you?

I mean, I have heard some people say that if it's too big, it's a problem.

So maybe, maybe this is fine.

Maybe I'm fine.

Maybe.

Are you feeling better?

He hasn't regained consciousness.

He's in the astroplane and no longer borrows.

He's like, why am I flying?

Oh!

And I turn back and see my buddy, and I go, oh, shit!

Francis, it's E.B.

White.

Is that you?

I just now realized your name is E.B.

White.

That's great.

Yeah.

I was caught under Charlotte's web of my own mental distress, but I'm back now.

Are you in some sort of a ship?

We don't see you anywhere.

Yo, how are you communicating via the radio?

I'm in ghost mode.

Interesting.

Well, for God's sake, man, where are you?

Where's the rest of the team?

So you're not going to see me if I point, but just know that there's a table falling and we're all on the table and there's a moth attached to the table and a bunch of legs under the table.

So if you just like her and you're going to be able to do that, then you hear Yaroslavo go like, my god, theoretically.

There we go.

Yeah, I thought that might help.

I thought there was some sort of eldritch caterpillar monster being carried by a bat.

No, it's just your boys.

Well, it seems like you're in a spot of bother over there.

Would you care for a pickup, young man?

Oh, that would be great, Yeah.

This fucking C, whatever, C-130 Call of Duty ass super fucking plane.

Our killstreak activates.

Your killstreak activates, and this plane makes a massive banking turn and fucking guns the engine to start coming back towards you.

Great.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

There are two of these fuckers below you.

You guys are all gooed up.

You guys are slowing your descent, but you're still a very precipitous drop towards the briny ocean deep.

And you see this wall of monsters coming towards you.

I mean, I don't have rack.

I don't have a weapon.

I'm in goo.

I mean, I've accepted my inevitable death.

And I say, there's a whole wall of them.

I guess we'll just go down swinging, and I'm going to try to punch whoever the closest one is.

Okay, they're not here yet.

There's no one in front of you.

I'll be ready to go down swinging when they get here, but for now, I'll just

hold my turret then.

You're going to hold your turn?

Yeah.

I've got nothing to do.

I'm just going to assume.

I mean, Matthew knows his plane's coming, but Kelsey does not.

Timmy, as well, who has just emerged from the goo and flicked out his switchblade, he like fucking wipes the slime from his eyes and says, I'm going to stab you.

Fucking, but

he's trying to project a sort of bravado, but his hand is trembling as he's holding this pitiful little knife up to a wall of death that is coming towards him.

Trudy, it is your turn.

Similar to Kelsey, I think, after hearing that there's more coming, is like, I don't know if we can do this.

So she reaches out to steady Timmy's hand and she's like, steady Timmy.

That's right.

My son's gonna get you.

Yeah.

He like makes like he's trying to protect you, but really he's grabbing your hand and squeezing it really like he really died.

Dionicus and Thermopylae, dude.

Dude, look at it.

They put this on the fucking grave of the Spartans, dude.

Fucking last stand, dude, the elbow.

All right.

It is the fire vampire's turn.

No, there's sky sperm, Will.

Sky Sperm.

Why did I write fire vampires down?

Kill me.

You can just add that there's also fire vampires coming out of this dick, too.

It's the sky sperm's turn as you stare down this beautiful.

It's just like in fucking Toy Story 3, but instead of staring down an incinerator, you're staring down a wall of skysperm.

Damn.

And they make all due haste.

They barrel towards you.

But right as they are about to close the gap, a massive plane flies between you and them.

You're able to see, as it passes by, Yaroslava Baranova in like that fucking ball turret.

Do you know what I mean?

Like the one at the bottom.

He just all of the turkey in the middle of the fucking turret.

Does this plane have sky hook technology?

Just this kind of boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

As this fucking machine gun lights up the sky and slices like it's like a reaper's scythe just cutting through these things.

And you see as it pops left and right, left and right, as it swoops in between the two of you and draws their attention.

Ebenezer White rolls the window down and says, fancy lift as he circles the plane background.

Did you have a great poo pon?

You guys remember that one?

I do remember that one.

Yeah, that was so funny.

I remember yelling that from a yellow school bus to very confused drivers as a grade schooler.

As that is happening, we fucking in the cargo bay.

Like, we got, did we get in the plane?

Not yet.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Basically, this plane swing, it does a pass and slices through with the machine gun fire the wall of these things coming towards you.

It's coming back around for another pass, and you see the cargo bay of the plane start to lower and drop open.

Blake, it is now now your turn.

We need to steer this thing into the back of you.

Mothman, use your wings and steer us into the back.

We'll be able to withstand any speed that we get into it because of the goo.

Very well.

And Mothman starts to shuffle himself up and get ready for one more heroic push.

What would you like to do on your turn?

We could go like,

so we could propel ourselves towards the cargo bay.

Interesting, trudy, yes.

We each have two hands, right?

So we can each reach down under the table and

move the legs together.

Grab the legs.

Everybody grab two legs and use them as propulsion.

Push towards the plane.

We're going to redirect the jet vectors, the thrust vectors.

There's like a big deal in

space faring craft can do this, which is like vector adjusting thrust.

Like an F22.

Yeah, dude.

It's a VTEL technology.

We invent VTOL before anyone else does.

And I'm going to grab two legs.

Okay.

And I'm going to

just angle them towards them.

Angle them towards to sort of...

Well, it's complicated 3D vector math that Blake is doing in order to, yeah,

you're bending all the legs backwards.

No, I'm going to hold them like Iron Man.

Oh, okay, that's great.

Everyone who's doing that is going to be able to give Mothman an assist on his role when he starts to push this.

Very good, very good.

Okay, sick.

So that is what.

Excuse me, Truthie, as I pick up one leg.

Excuse me, Truthie, as I pick up the other leg.

I've heard of giving you a hand, but I'm giving you two legs.

Okay, so it's Mothman's turn.

Mothman is going to fucking flare out his wings and get pulled back, and then he slides around to the back of the table full of legs and people and goo and starts flapping his wings with all his might and pushing it straight forward to try to line up with the plane.

And it's like that landing mini game in the top gun game for NES.

God, dude.

What a fucking bull.

I'm really good at it.

Are you?

Yeah, I don't understand why anyone ever had problems.

It's so hard.

Francis, you wake up back in your body.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Francis, grab some gams.

What?

Grab some games.

Oh, okay, sure.

And I'm going to do this.

Are you grabbing gams?

Kelsey, what are you doing?

I grab the gams.

Okay, you grab the gams.

Timmy, seeing what everyone else is doing and relieved at the fact that he doesn't have to face down on a whole fucking army of guys is going to grab gams as well.

That's fucking five pairs of hands.

That's 10 gams.

That's half the gams pointed.

That's half the gams pointed towards the ship.

That's pretty good.

And Trudy removes her own gams from

the sludge.

Do you remove your legs?

Well, no, from like, if I'm trapped in the sludge, like, oh, I think you pull your legs off.

I was like, whoa.

I think I just like aim my legs.

And then using your hands for other games.

So you got, you're providing four games?

You got four games of thrust going.

A classic four-gam maneuver.

12 games.

I think they call this the four-gam problem.

That is sick.

All right, so everyone is steering these legs as the door to the plane lowers.

It swings back around, and you see Ebenezer White just looking absolutely baffled at this fucking contraption that's flying.

Yeah, like we're the weirdest thing.

You guys aren't stacked anymore.

You've all repositioned.

We're all kind of like hanging over the side of the bottom.

Is that the same white?

Yeah, same guy.

What?

Strunk and why are you fucking playing the Top Gun game right now?

Oh, I get shit.

Anthony gets to play Steve Net, but I can't remember if I've still got it.

I get shit if I get to find out if I still got it live on the platform.

How long does it take to get to the part where you land a plan?

If you go get a diagnosis, you can play games.

You get a diagnosis.

How long does it take to get to the part where you lay in the plane?

It's like the in-between level thing.

I'm just curious.

Don't worry.

I'll keep you fuzzed.

All right, here's what we're going to do.

It's up to Freddy if we live or die now.

Yes, no, it's up to Freddy if you live or die.

Freddy can lay in the plane.

Dual NES Top Gun.

Here's what's going to happen.

I cannot believe you're fucking playing this game right now.

Freddy is playing an emulator of Top Gun for the Nintendo NES.

He's currently playing

on the legal cartridge on a legal NES.

I'm playing it on the NES we keep in the office legally.

So So here's what's going to happen.

The two sky sperm that were beneath you are going to get a chance to attack.

However, before they do, we're going to see if Freddy, as the collective will of all of you plus Mothman, is able to land this plane.

This is dangerous.

I don't remember this.

Yeah, well, that's what you get for fucking playing games during my fucking session without a diagnosis.

My doctor says I can play video games.

The problem is they have to get through this first like.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is kind of a cool looking game, though.

It's a cool game, dude.

Fred's time, oh yeah.

God damn, these fucking, these fucking mix, dude.

How's he doing on the non-landing part?

He's doing pretty good, I gotta say.

All right, he's shot down quite a few mix.

I will, you know, Freddy's a pro gamer.

Fuck, dude.

Dude, this is good sound design.

You already shot more bullets than the entire movie of top down.

Freddy is moving the mic towards the sounds.

Yeah, I just want to make sure.

Landing sequence, here we go.

Landing sequence, here we go.

I have to.

No, I don't.

I don't even remember doing this.

I don't know.

Freddy is going in.

This is...

We've got blue sky.

Bro, this is so intense.

Speed down.

Wait, wait.

I don't, my fortress size.

Okay.

Alright, the carrier group is approaching.

This is the most tension we've ever had on the card.

Speed down, speed down.

How do you do speed again?

You've got a big wall of the Jesus fucking Christ.

You know what you're doing?

Left turn, speak down.

I've never been more fucking suspense filled in my entire life than I am right now on this podcast.

I don't remember.

This doesn't have the shit.

This doesn't have the shit like it says up.

It's saying up with two exclamation marks, Freddy.

I think you're coming in too low.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, okay, okay.

Oh, no.

Beth has just got her head in her hands like she's fucking.

oh shit hold on hold on hold on

there's no second chance

i didn't have the shit look i didn't have the red buttons no excuses no excuses

well

DM you all die podcasts over.

Oh!

So surely if anyone is going to have a clutch gamer moment.

Freddy's on the Reddit trying to look up to say,

I remember you could...

Here's why.

I remember you could change the speed.

There was a button for that.

It just kept saying up though.

It didn't say slow down.

You got it to slow down.

It kept saying up.

It said up.

It said the opposite of slow down.

You can adjust your speed using A and B.

Okay.

There's only two buttons on the AS.

There's only two buttons.

What the fuck did you think you wanted to do?

Why?

There's like two buttons.

It's not the 86.

This is not a fucking AFC belt pack.

There's two buttons.

You didn't test one or two of them?

We're repressing.

We're all dead.

Here's what's going to happen.

Here's what's going to happen.

We're going to crash into this thing.

Okay.

We're going to come crashing in.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Because Freddie failed.

Here's what happens.

You guys are coming in.

Mothman is steering.

Somehow you get the sense that this is all Blake's fault, even though it's a group act.

We all get a sense that Blake does.

Blake's like, I know what we're doing.

We gotta not go up.

And then, yeah, you guys keep shouting.

You guys are shouting, too slow, too slow.

I'm like, I know, this is going to be perfect.

So, Blake is coming in way too soon.

He's just dropping like a rock.

Yaroslav and Ebenezer desperately trying to line the plane up.

They drop their plane to try to match you guys.

At which point, it throws everything off.

Mothman, to avoid crashing into the plane, banks sharp to the left.

You basically wind up crashing into this loading ramp at like a weird angle.

Yeah.

And you just smash into it and shear the loading ramp off.

So the table itself just snaps asunder.

You are all now free-falling

into the ocean.

You have two rounds as you also

miss?

You don't miss.

You crash land into the part of the plane that now snaps off.

And the impact causes your entire sort of jerry-rigged thing to explode.

Okay.

As we discussed, I'm going to do what has given people about a 0.005% better chance of hitting the ground.

And I'm going to

tell she's going to lay on her back and spread her arms wide, I guess.

And just, you know?

I don't know.

She's going to be.

I will say, no, hold on.

I'll throw you guys a bump.

All right.

So I will say, there are several things sprayed around the environment right now, one of which is a bunch of hover legs that are flying through the air, presumably within arm's reach.

If you want to dive into that,

I want to go and try and grab some hover legs.

Okay, yeah, I'll grab two games.

This is like in Jurassic Park where the skeleton shears apart and they're all on their individual bones.

Oh, we should have all, because we were holding two.

Yes, you guys were all gripping onto a leg.

Two legs.

We had one leg in each hand.

Oh, so yes, essentially, this is what happens is the boat fucking shatters.

Now instead of all of you getting on together, each one of you is now holding on to dear life on two legs.

They're spraying all sorts of crazy directions.

Okay.

Do they have enough power?

Are we flying like jetpacks with these things or are they just slowing us down as we fall?

I would say it's more of a jetpack situation.

Yes.

You can use them for maneuvering.

It's not breaking.

You know, you can use them to break if you want.

The same way you you could use a jetpack to land or move.

You have that.

Okay.

I mean, obviously, I'm going to.

Yeah, then we should all try to get back into the ship.

It'll be a strength check to hold on to them, and you can use them to try to steer your way into the ship.

And Machman's also flying around.

What do we roll just to shoot back into the ship?

We will make this a straight dex roll to manipulate the legs to make your way into the ship.

We're going to start with Blake.

Dexterous is I

91 out of 75.

Now, here's the question.

This feels like a luck kind of situation.

This feels like you might want to

fucking blow 16 luck on this.

I think so.

I think this is a new or die situation.

Yeah, I'm going to blow 16 luck, which takes me down from 28 down to.

Ooh.

Oh, no, you're with me.

12.

Ooh, I got 11 luck.

Me and you, baby.

All right, I make a success.

Blake manages just to fucking, after ruining all of your day, he's the first one to make his way successfully into the cargo ship.

And I land most gracefully.

Francis, you're up.

You can roll with advantage because you also have a third leg that is attached to your body that is an actual venus.

No, you have like an actual truth leg also.

Super duper success.

I rolled a nine.

Okay, great.

You do like a fucking cool Iron Man landing as you get in there.

Timmy is going to

roll.

What?

Me saying your penis was like that.

That one clip of Jeopardy where they're like,

this is the age 13 in some cultures.

And the guy immediately charms in with the age of consent.

And Trebek is like, no.

No.

That a little wrong noisy.

How much did you wager?

Timmy rolled a 49, so he barely makes it in and crash lands and stumbles across the way.

Kelsey, give me your roll.

I got 76.

Oh, no.

I reach out

like the horse in Shadows of the Colossus.

And you just see me shoot under.

She was shooting under

the wheels.

So yeah, I mean, I got 76 and I don't even have enough luck to spend all my fucking.

I have 11 luck, so that would only get me to 65.

So Kelsey is falling.

Trudy, give me your roll.

Can I roll with disadvantage if I throw a leg to Kelsey?

You're going to throw a leg to Kelsey?

Yes.

Right now, I will say the same way that I gave Anthony Advantage, you have two hover legs.

Yeah.

And you are also holding two legs that you are thrusting with.

So yes, you can throw them to Kelsey or throw one to Kelsey because, yeah, we'll say that when she biffed it, her legs went shooting off into the fucking, into the stratosphere.

So she is currently free-falling.

It's going to be a throw roll to do it.

And then I think Kelsey will probably have to do a dex roll in her turn to catch it.

There's also Mothman is also flying around and could presumably catch one of you to save you.

One of us.

Yes.

So

if you biff it and biff it, then Mothman's going to have a real fucking like

Superman moment.

Real Superman moment.

Yeah, I have really low decks, though, so I don't think I'm going to succeed anyway.

You've got advantage.

Okay.

All right.

Then maybe I will not just help Kelsey.

Just, you know.

All right.

I'm not going to help Kelsey.

I'm in it for myself.

Notoriously selfish.

Notoriously selfish robot.

I have nothing more to teach.

Okay, so my first role is a fail, a really bad one.

And then my second role is a fail.

How bad?

So my dex is 25, and I rolled a 71.

God.

What was your first role?

It was a 68.

Okay, Trudy, Kelsey.

Okay, so you're both falling.

All the boys made it on.

Thank God.

Just use me as it is now.

Mothman's turn.

Hang on, come on.

Just, I'll break your impact.

Moth here's okay.

This is good.

This is good, though.

Because you still have your robot legs that are boosting.

We're not trying to talk to each other.

Continue.

We're trying to pass the best jail test here.

Go ahead.

Timmy's a boy, right?

No, go, go.

Mothman, seeing you both plummet, is going to swoop down to try to grab you guys.

So he dives down.

The fucking ocean is just hurtling towards you at rapid speed.

The plane is starting to pull away because it can't slow down enough without crashing into the ocean itself.

The fucking skysperm are closing in on all vectors.

Mothman barrels down to swoop in and catch you guys.

Fortunately, it's not going to take him strength to hold on to Trudy because Trudy has rocket boosters.

Yeah.

So she's presumably holding on to him.

So he's going to make a strength roll to try to grab Kelsey.

One arm.

Trudy, you have a child and now maybe, she glances between you and Mothman.

A father for that child?

Kelsey, we'll find another teacher.

There's plenty of teachers out there.

Without you, Kelsey.

He got a 17.

So he grabs onto fucking Kelsey and manages to, it's like, I know I quote this a lot, but it is.

Almost exactly like when in Batman begins, Razzo Ghoul goes over the side and then fucking Christian Bale has to like one arm and his bicep is just like

because I was thinking about Batman earlier because like when we were both falling, it's kind of like in Dark Knight where she's like, I know he's gonna pick me, but I don't want him to.

So his wings flapping,

he's kind of like guiding Trudy, using Trudy's rocket boosters to help propel him and Kelsey towards the ship.

And the three of you, Francis and Blake and Timmy, see them coming towards you.

And Timmy's eyes alight with hope as he sees his mother sort of like hurtling towards him.

Mothman, as they're approaching, like flaps his wings out.

He throws Trudy.

She guides straight in.

He's coming towards him to stick a landing with Kelsey.

And right as he does that, Francis,

you hear a voice in your head

saying, Trudy!

Oh, shit!

And as you look down, you see a spear in your hands.

And you remember from your dream that it's the shape of the spear that killed Brunhilde's mother that she's transformed back into you.

And before you can scream, before you can stop, before you can resist, you find her taking over your body.

You dig into a javelin thrower's pose and lob the spear, and it pierces straight through Mothman's head while

he's still two feet away from the ship.

Oh, and he and Kelsey plummet into the water.

No!

both of them.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

First, important news.

We've been recording a little bit ahead, batching some episodes in anticipation of Will's new kid.

And it happened.

Congratulations.

Will will not be talking to you on social media.

Instead, direct your energies towards our Patreon, patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads, where you can support this show directly.

In addition to feeling good, you'll also get a bunch of episodes of stuff, everything from our laid-back chill after show, all of our mini-series played in different systems and chock full of special guests, and even bizarrely popular niche audio content like Kingdom Dad Monster, an ongoing board game campaign, and the darkest, weirdest, horniest indie board game ever made, Kingdom Death Monster, a game that Matt Arnold himself backed early on Kickstarter, which, believe me, is a lot of board gamer cred.

I've seen it firsthand.

It's disgusting.

Over on web address, patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads, we're going to be posting a teaser image.

Editor Omar's edit marker notes for the next episode of Kingdom Dad Monster.

And if this image does not get you hyped for this audio content, then you know what?

Nothing will.

Instead, you should sit back, relax, and ride on the shoulders of others who support this podcast.

Cool people like Evan

Fia.

That's the weirdest name I think we've ever gotten.

Chris Duncan, Dustin Fanning Painter, Zomba5 Apple, Colton Green, Flow Duke, Jacob Kelly, Oddity Monger, Andersvallo, Michael Kearns, Christian Woodall, Prudy C, Xena the Z, Emily Moore, Ariamar, Ampatel, Lucas DeHan, Ogvatz, Lauren Sieber, and Justin Weeks.

Dungeons and Daz is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Truy Trout, and myself.

Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

I just, hey guys, I read it wrong last week and I was going on vacation, so I didn't have time to fix it.

So like, relax.

I also did play Tony Collette.

Our theme song is a Holden Stars by Max and Waller, and Lisa Omran is our content producer, Ashen Nicolette as our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Els is our lead editor, and Travis Reeves, Omar, Roman Lilo, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Support us directly on Patreon.

That's patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Merch and more at dungeonsandads.com.

We're allgoing diemovie.com is where you're going to find download links for the movie Matt and I made.

If you're in Edinburgh, go see Beth's show at Fringe.

Tickets are selling fast.

Next episode, August 12th.

We'll see you then.

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I'll stay

today

Here's what we're gonna say happens I could play um a round of Cool Borders 98 and then we could see it.

No, Bethany, that would totally negate because you would shred at Cool Borders.

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