S2 Ep. 52 - Dood Riddance (Time of Your Life)

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Where have all the cat girls gone, and where are all the weebs?

Where's the co-wise

to help us kill Willie?

Isn't there an actor?

A star of stage and screen.

Made just right to fleece and determine to be the boy we need.

I'm a new hero.

I'm hitting up my girl Hero on a cell phone tonight.

And I hope that she's up.

And I hope that she's down.

And I hope that she's ready to fight.

I need a Hermie.

I'm hoping that a new Hermie can help you do tonight.

And he's gotta be cute, and he's gotta be cool.

So we gotta build a bear him just right.

Build a bear him just right.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not Pit Bull podcast.

Yeah, boy.

It's not Pit Bull.

He doesn't say that.

No, he doesn't say that.

He says, like, we're bringing it, we're bringing it, we're bringing it back.

Is this safe to say?

Let's bring it, bringing it, bringing it back to the beginning of the intro, and you can do it over.

Hold on to Duchess and Daddy's not a BBSM podcast.

Not a Pitbull fancast either.

A Madam Web podcast.

A Madam Web fancast.

His web connects us all.

Wait, the next few minutes of the podcast are not funny.

I just saw the future.

Oh, my God.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wind it back.

Woo!

You could go down that path.

You can change it, Matt.

You can change it.

You can do it all.

This is a DD podcast about four teens from our world.

And Mr.

Worldwide.

And Mr.

Worldwide.

And together they all got to save the world.

Like, you know?

You know?

My name is Freddie Wong.

I'm 52 episodes in.

That's where Freddy is limited.

That's where he landed.

My name is Taylor Swift.

I play Taylor Swift.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue.

Sorry, you got a different energy.

This is Dungeons and Daddies AM.

The Zoo Crew.

Oh, Zoo Crew.

I love that.

Dungeons and Daddy's Zoo Crew.

Freddy and the gang.

Freddy and the crew.

Chicken in as Taylor Swift.

CD.

Sides all day.

Classic rock.

Level 13 Tiefling Swift.

It's early enough for me that when I got my coffee, I didn't make the joke like, still haven't had my coffee yet.

The barista looked at me as I was saying gibberish to them.

We're like, you haven't had your coffee yet.

That's how early it is.

It's like a Folger's commercial, and we're just waiting for the incest.

It's 10 a.m., which is what we call the Texas.

No, don't say what time it is.

That game is a podcaster's 6 a.m.

Yeah, there you go.

It's 4 a.m.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Taylor Swift, the teethling rogue of the group.

Nice.

This week's Taylor fact, you know, we've seen everyone's personal heavens.

Taylor's personal heaven.

It's not spaghetti.

It's tsukumen ramen.

Which means that it's just a hot soup.

You know what I mean?

Anthony, does sukumen ramen still hit the same way as spaghetti in heaven?

Do you decide to the heaven rules?

If you're Asian, yeah.

Is there Asian heaven, Anthony?

Well, we established there's Italian heaven.

That's a good fucking point.

What's the good good fucking point.

That's a good sign.

I know who's going to Italian heaven when they're going to be.

Hey, listen, listen, here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Technically, as any.

I know they do that.

All the other races have one heaven, but just Italy and Asia have separate heavens.

Well, but

we say Italian heaven is hell.

But let me say this: as any Chinese person will be happy to tell you, or at least any Chinese mom will be happy to tell you, where do you think the Italians got the noodles?

Oh, here we go.

That was that thing?

I didn't know that.

There's a runner.

Marco Polo brought it back, right?

Marco Polo, the original Mr.

Pitbull, brought it back.

yeah he was studying spiders in the amazon before he died this is like a running joke in like chinese culture specifically which is like growing up my mom would always be like well the chinese invented that we invented gunpowder we invented fireworks it was just like this whole like you know proud of our history sort of thing but then i remember one time my mom took it a step too far because i was having a pizza and she's like you know pizza the chinese invented that i'm like what what are you talking about i've eaten chinese food my whole life mom you've never made pizza and she's like this the xiaoyao being the like scallion pancakes oh I was like,

that's a stretch.

This is not pizza.

Like, I know it's like a thing that's round and a little doughy, but that's not pizza, mom.

Anyway.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group.

I guess he's imaginary now.

I'm not sure.

He's in a palette.

He's not imaginary.

He's got portal from one portal to another.

Really quick fact, because I want to get into it.

I want to get into the game and I want to find Willie Stampler.

Just really quick fact.

Sorry, what?

Really quick fact because I want to find Willie Damflair.

Was I gibberish too much?

Was it too hard to understand?

Somebody wanted to copy it.

Suck Roofy's here.

Lincoln's favorite dessert is applesauce.

Oh,

no.

That's awesome.

That's the most homeschool thing you've ever said.

That's the most homeschool.

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

I hear you, though, because if a fruit cup can be a dessert, then I feel like applesauce.

A fruit cup's not a dessert.

A fruit cup's a fruit cup.

Cakes are just a little too much.

Like, they don't need them.

Applesauce is great.

Applesauce is great.

It's soft.

There's a lot of sugar in applesauce.

If that's not a dessert, then Link doesn't know what it is.

Real quick.

Real quick.

Those of us without kids, when's the last time you had applesauce?

More recently than is

acceptable.

Anthony.

If you've had pork recently and you haven't had applesauce, then you don't fucking know what you're doing.

That's the wildest combination.

I don't know why.

Oh, have you ever had it?

I don't know why America decided that was a thing.

It's delicious.

Hey, straight up.

Lamb with fucking mint jelly?

What the fuck is that?

Like, applesauce with pork is where it's at.

Today on 1950s recipes.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I play normally Lee Oak Swallows Garcia, the unworthy.

I dip that bacon in applesauce.

Bacon and applesauce.

Jr., Marlowe, Stampler, the Wilson Swift.

Normal fact about Normal this week.

Normal still has four baby teeth.

What?

Yeah.

Like in a collection?

No, he has them in his mouth still.

He's got like, I think two of his front two teeth are still baby teeth and he's got like two molars in the back.

He's still working on.

Or it was getting pretty loose though.

Oh no.

Did any of you have like late baby teeth?

I just did, but like I remember in like high school, like I had teeth that was loose.

I was like, oh my God, I'm losing my teeth.

Like, it was so late.

I'm like, there's no way these are still baby teeth.

So like, I lost them and be like, I guess I just don't brush my teeth well.

But they were still baby teeth.

When I was doing my extensive research on this fact, you know, I do a lot of research.

Yeah.

Character is normal Leo Swallows Swallows-Garcia.

I discovered that the oldest baby teeth haver record holder was Joyce Whalen, who in 2015 was at the ripe old age of 87 when she had her last baby tooth fall out.

Did she die?

Was she like Samson when he got his haircut

the moment the teeth came out?

Did she just fucking die?

The poets are going crazy over that fact.

Like at 87, losing my baby teeth.

That's the title.

For sale, baby teeth, never lost.

Okay, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlon, a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks.

Fun fact about Scary is that one time her mom threatened to

one time her mom who died in the Amazon researching spider.

No, one time

Her mom threatened to take Scary to a chiropractor for an attitude adjustment.

Oh, yo.

You know, Scary was like, fine, take me, take me there.

And then now she has some neck pain because she keeps getting her neck adjusted, but the muscles around the neck are not being strengthened.

And so she slouches.

It's a real problem.

And now all the chiropractors are going to come for me,

but not in the good way.

Beth May, chiropractor fucker.

All right.

They don't have her.

Now all the chiropractors will come for her.

Don't blow your back out.

My mother was fucking chiropractors the years.

I'm Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad.

Any dad.

I love my chiropractor.

My dad wrote the porn out.

Yeah.

Oh, he did.

He did.

He sure did.

He did.

Oh, we should start a podcast called that.

Yeah.

Versus you.

And we watch your porn with you.

I can't imagine anything worse.

My dad factor said this might be the last episode.

Oh, but it might.

It might be.

It might.

I don't know for sure, but it might be.

This is like the weirdest form of dramatic suspense I've ever encountered in that game.

Can you imagine like in a Hitchcock movie?

Like Hitchcock showed up and was like, this could be the last 10 minutes of the movie.

What?

So yeah, when we last left you, you were about to fight Willie Stampler.

You had summoned the doodler to your side.

You You would summon Hermie the Unworthy, or at least a facsimile of him, to your side, to pretend to be Willie Stampler, to tell the doodler to take off their collar and go back to their home dimension.

As you were doing that, Willie kicked up in the door and said, Wait.

And that's where we left off.

So he's going to say one thing and then we're going to roll initiative.

Oh, shit.

So he's going in hard.

So yeah,

can I take a little long rest before we do that?

Sure can.

So what?

Yeah, you can.

Wish it.

You wish to be right and have a long rest.

Yeah, dude.

Can we all wish for long rest?

Can we all wish to be level 20?

If you all want to fall asleep,

can we all wish to be level 20?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Anthony, we're fucking playing here, okay?

So you go.

I'm not stopping.

I'm not nobody.

What was the thing we ate?

Twizzlers.

Twizzlers.

Twizzlers gave us a full rest and we ate them.

Okay.

Thanks, man.

Link's like, I wish I had some applesauce.

Okay.

So

Link is eating applesauce right now.

Once we are rolling initiative, you can eat a Twizzler on your applesauce.

I hate to be interrupting a lot, but I do have one more important question.

This is literally what you live for.

This is why you play D, but this is an important question.

As a manufactured wish, does Leek have wishes now?

What do you mean?

Like, can I wish?

Good point.

Oh, because he's in the room?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Because I think when you did that last episode, just like the genie in Aladdin.

He doesn't have wishes.

That's why it's important to know.

Yeah, that's sort of the whole plot of Aladdin.

That'd be insane ending.

Hey, genie, you could wish.

Wait, what?

What?

Then he just did.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Okay.

No more interruptions, I promise.

No, it's fine.

You can interrupt as much as you want.

I'm not feeling very funny today, so you should interrupt more.

Willie says, if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm going to spend the rest of my life torturing your families.

What if we kill you, though?

Then you can't do that.

Mercedes-Ogarcia shoots him in the head.

Yeah, I think Taylor would be like, this one, this one.

And then the bullet pings off of his head.

What the fuck?

And he goes, I'm God.

Oh, shit.

That's right.

He is God.

Oh.

Finally, Taylor thinks to himself, my chance to find and kill God, what I've been dreaming about my entire life.

And in this way, Taylor's overall character arc is fulfilled.

How do we know whether dude believes which Willie?

I'm going to have a role.

Oh, Scary looks at Hermie and is like, say something meaner.

Say something meaner than that.

Okay.

Hermie goes, none of these people actually like you.

They're just around you because of what you can do for them.

Oh, no, Scary.

What are you going to do?

You're super powerful.

You have the abilities of a God.

That's why they care about you, not because of who you are.

Do you think they'd be spending any time around you at all if you were just another teen?

You think they'd actually enjoy your presence?

And the dude goes,

So I'm going to have them roll.

And I was going to say that on one to 10, they believe that Hermie is Willie.

On an 11 through 20, they believe that Willie is Willie.

But because you encourage them to be even meaner, on a 1 through 15, they are going to believe that Hermie is Willie.

Okay.

All right.

So I'm rolling a D20 now.

They got a four.

So that's good.

That's good for us.

That's good.

That's good.

For us.

Not for their self-esteem.

Not for their self-esteem.

No.

Are we tracking that?

The self-esteem HP?

No.

Everybody roll initiative right now.

So we're going to go into initiative order knowing that the dueler believes that Hermie is the real Willie Stampler.

7 plus 4, 11 for our hero, Taylor Swift.

18 for Lincoln Lee Wilson.

1 plus 2, 3.

Normal got a 19.

We told dude to just go home, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Told them to rip off the collar and go home.

So it's Willie's turn.

Willie.

Which Willie?

The real Willie.

Stampler.

And yes, technically, the Hermie doppelganger is named Willie.

I think for

clarity's sake, we can just say Hermie or Hermie.

Hermie 2.

Hermie 2.

Termy.

Oh, yeah.

Here's.

You just do a portmanteau of Willie and Hermie.

So Hermie.

Genius.

So Willie is going to try to grab dude by the neck by holding onto the collar.

Kind of like the bad guy in Madame Webb, right?

Yeah.

He does a lot of neck holding.

Sorry.

We just saw the movie.

Oh, you also saw Madame Webb.

Yeah.

Not like you said, Madame Webb.

I thought it was Madame Webb.

Madame Webb is a spider that owns other prostitute spiders.

Okay.

An 11.

Dude is going to resist with an 18.

So dude is going to slap his hand away.

Hell yeah.

And Willie goes, okay, that's not a problem.

And he's going to use his move and he's going to leave the room.

Oh, God.

And he's going to slam the door.

We, guys, we won.

I don't think we won.

I know.

We still need to.

dude.

What did, dude, what did you do?

So it is normal's turn.

Okay, you guys send dude back home, dude.

Goodbye.

I love you.

I'm so proud of the crazy, amazing journey we've been on together.

And this is going to be a really tearful goodbye for me.

But I believe in you, and I want you to be happy and be at home.

So go ahead and go home and know that we all love you.

But I'm going to go.

I just, one of us needs to at least make sure he's not doing something up.

And I'm up next.

So I'm going to go.

Normal, normal, normal, normal.

Yo, what's up?

Just a quick sidebar.

It does seem that if we're going to be fighting a god, that having our one friend who is a god not be here, we're fucked if we try and fight real Willie.

I am going to do an Arcana roll to see what I know about fighting gods.

Go for it.

Oh, so you want to talk to Taylor?

I got a 10.

So with a 10, you can tell that specifically the reason that Willie didn't take any damage from the gun that was shot at him, the gun that was shot at him, the bullet that was shot at him, at his face by Mercedes, is that whoever God is, is immune to the things that heaven creates.

Yeah, oh, so we can still jack him up.

You still jack him up normal style?

All right, I'm pretty sure I can still jack him up normal style.

Is that just your way of saying, like, are you just self-inserting your name in there?

Is that like normal style?

Like, normal style.

That's what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

Got it.

Like both ways, actually, because I'm normal and because I'm, you know, I'm going to do it my way.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Okay.

And I run out the door after Willie.

Okay, the door is locked.

Go ahead and give me a strength check.

Anthony, can I use my I have a feet, an ill-advised feat that I took.

Most feet are ill-advised.

I have a feat called Charger.

When you use the dash action, use a bonus action to make a melee weapon attack or shove a creature.

In this case, I'd like to say the door.

If you move at least 10 feet in a straight line before using this bonus action, you either gain a plus five to the damage roll or push the target up to 10 feet away.

Look, I'm basically like, can I get like some kind of sauce to charge this door and try to blast it open?

If it weren't for the Arcana roll, I would say that you have a bonus action left.

I feel like the Arcana roll was your bonus action.

Okay, for

all right.

I'm just gonna try to just ram through this door then.

Okay.

All right.

So, what is that?

That's a strength check.

Oh,

I got an 11.

An 11, the door buckles, but it holds.

Oh,

I fall onto the ground.

Do I get to do anything else this turn?

You can like cry in pain and like run around the house.

Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, my head.

Oh,

you can still used to wearing the teeny the teen costume.

I just assume I'm padded up there.

Oh,

oh,

Grandma.

I hugged Mercedes.

She was for Mercedes.

Oh, I had hurt so much, midway, mikafeza.

So it is Link's turn.

Link, seeing what Normal did, decides to do the same and runs to the other side of the room.

And then, in his mind's eye, imagines the door as a defender of like Chelsea or something, like straight up, like in the path of him as he's going towards the goal.

As he's running, he's running full speed.

And I don't know how long the room is, but it's long enough where as he's running, he's saying to dude, dude, we love you.

Don't listen to what Willie.

I mean, do listen to what Hermie, do listen to what Willie said about you being like bad and stuff and that you got to leave home.

But like, know that the four of us don't think that.

Like, we love you.

Okay.

Dude, it's like, dude, what do you love me?

We love you.

And then I run full speed.

Now, Anthony, before Matt makes his role, does he actually summon a Burley defender from Chelsea by imagining this in this room right now?

I see no reason not to.

Oh, okay.

Who would that be, Matt?

I don't know.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Fake fans.

I don't know any Chelsea players.

David Beckham.

Yeah, it's David Beckham because this is an alternate timeline.

And in this timeline, David Beckham has become a defense.

He's playing at the age of 50.

He's a defender now.

He still looks fucking good.

He still looks good.

He looks great.

High roll strength.

Yep.

That's a five.

All right.

So door doesn't even buckle.

Somehow, normal hitting him with his big old dome did more damage to the door than you did.

David Beckham from Chelsea just slaps you down with his hand.

He's not even supposed to be.

He dramatically falls.

Rolls on the ground, pointing to his ankle.

And then he's like, oh, and he's looking around like, Dan, Come on, Mercedes takes out a yellow card.

To me, well, come on.

That's faking me.

That's faking.

I've watched it happen.

You're faking.

It is Hermie's turn.

Hermie is going to go, yeah, you piece of shit.

You're nothing.

You're absolutely nothing.

Everything that you are, everything that you were, this entire world is pain.

And the only truth is that pain doesn't go away.

Pain stays with you for the rest of your existence.

And all this world wants for you is pain.

And dude goes, okay.

No, I believe you can stop now.

Link just nodding like he's right.

He's right.

This is Drew.

It is Taylor's turn.

Taylor's going to close his eyes and be like, I wish Hero Oak were here, armed to the teeth.

I'm so sorry, Anthony.

I'm going to require you to scroll through a thing real quick.

That's okay.

Look for anything.

Just do a find.

Just wanted to say you're a great DM,

a great friend.

Can you do a search in that?

And then just look for the word God.

Frankie, you can just imagine any weapon you want.

Like, that's the rules.

You're outsourcing your creativity to our film.

Doesn't Taylor have like an anime sword?

Is there a sword that kills God in anime?

He's got to to be a god killer sort of an anime.

Plus, remember, literally the first thing he told us was that anything conjured up by heaven, Willie's immune to.

So whatever version of the one that's going to be.

I would like to take a back step and then ask real quick.

I do have a sword, right?

You do.

You have a sword that's, I think, specifically good at killing gods, if I remember correctly.

It could turn into like any anime sword you want.

You have to say the cash phone.

Yes, you have to cash phrase the character and it turns into a sword from an anime or JRPG.

Taylor.

reaches behind him and does the thing where you like thumb the sword out.

You don't talk about the third.

Yeah.

I've never heard that described on this podcast before.

I've never heard someone talk about popping the samurai sword out of plate before.

I don't understand what that is.

Are you mocking me, Will?

But also, as he does so, he goes, I wish Hero were here to see this.

Oh, God.

Hero.

Taylor looks goddamn.

That's right here.

That's what this is for.

And he holds a sword up.

Hero.

Taylor looks over his right shoulder behind to her in profile because that's where she pops up.

She's in front of you, but you still look over.

She's in front of me, but I still turn my head.

Wait, you turn around 180.

180 so that I can then position myself correctly for the following maneuver, which is to turn my head over to the right shoulder.

She's out of focus.

It rack focuses to her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I say my line first, which is, would you like to come with me and kill God?

She says, no.

Not even a little bit.

I fucking hate you.

Okay, again, she can't leave the room, Taylor, because you brought her here.

Is that how that works?

Yeah.

so I can't leave the room.

No, maybe no, I don't think so.

Don't leave the room.

Oh, so then Taylor, now digesting that, continues his line, which is there's a two-part line and goes,

watch close.

You're about to learn how someone can kill God.

Oh, well,

I'm waiting.

Taylor takes a step and he goes,

and he kicks the door down.

All right, roll strength check.

Please fail.

I'm begging you, gods of dice, please make this man fail.

Natural one.

No.

No.

You kick the door so hard that you fall back on your ass and you break the sword in half.

That's only this was an important weapon.

Ah, shit.

Shit, guys.

Okay.

Hero, you have to stay now.

Look, we need your help.

Can you please open the door?

Literally, we can't get through the door to get to God.

I'm not the chosen one.

You're the chosen one.

You have to open the door because you're chosen to do it.

All right, I'm going to roll.

Okay, so here actually shows up exactly here in the initiative.

Anthony.

Yeah, you can look at it, man.

Dnd D Beyond heard Anthony.

I like to think that, by the way, that Dnd D Beyond is granted microphone permissions and they're listening for key phrases when you're playing to be like, all right.

You want to fucking go hard on that?

All right.

So here I go, geez, do I have to do everything myself?

She tries the doorknob.

Yeah, she just opens the door.

She rolled a 16 the door is open she goes cool chosen one job done i've opened the door for you hero thank you i give her a big hug

oh you're welcome i love you okay good good talk i pat her on the back yeah she pats me on the back she's not done like hero we still need your help

okay let's just test okay if i leave like you guys wish i don't think we should oh oh god you're gone oh man i wish for link to come back boop he's back hey guys yeah i went back to the cell but you vomit because it was so nauseating you got twice in a row

Make it slightly more visual.

You vomit too, because it's funny.

It's a pop comedy podcast.

Okay, so yeah.

So me and Hero are like stuck here.

So can you guys bring God back here?

We'll try.

Okay.

I'm going to try to bring him back.

Or on my turn.

Okay.

All right.

So it is dude's turn.

So dude goes, it goes, wait.

I don't really have any friends.

I think.

Oh, no, you didn't get all of us.

All of us.

I think Willie was right, though, about you just kept me around for my powers and stuff.

So

Willie did, but not

we want to help you get home because you miss home, right?

Yeah, home's where the heart is, and like that's where your heart is.

Then do you have a heart like that?

Why would you listen to a stupid adult?

You know, we're we're teens.

Do you want them to listen to?

I mean, but oh, yeah, I mean, um, yeah, why would I listen to you then?

Yeah, you told you told Willie to say the mean thing, and then he said the mean thing.

I just said that to,

I just, I didn't mean to,

but has dude taken off the bracelets yet?

Dude's hand is on the bracelet.

It's okay, dude.

Take the bracelet off and then we can explain everything.

Dude takes the bracelet off and it magically disintegrates in their hand and they are now free potentially of the control of Willie Stampler, real or imagined.

Dude, we love you.

That was a hug.

We had to do that just to get you to take it off because the thing said you could only listen to Willie and we had to convince you that it was Willie, but it was all a big goof.

It was all a psych.

You're just a big baby.

It's not none of it's your fault.

You're just trying your best and like, I mean, go home, i guess or not but like yeah you're you're you're loved you're you're okay everybody broke persuasion

10 plus two 12.

i got 24.

i say that dude life is not a waste of time time is not a waste of life so let's not waste any time get wasted have the time of our lives dude got seven no i mean maybe dude's right maybe we should have like

told them this when the collar was still on you know if we really believed in them or whatever but i mean like

the collar was like sort of you know but okay, that's the past and right now is now, right?

And we're sorry.

And dude, I know it's so hard being a teenager, you know, but I think it'll get better maybe.

What makes you say that?

Your parents are miserable.

Yeah.

Well,

a lot of people are miserable and a lot of people are like, you know, suffering or whatever or have regrets, but I'm not.

I was, but I'm not.

And I know I'm not you and you're not me, but I, I, I'm just saying, like, maybe you can come back from feeling like this.

So, what did you roll when you rolled persuasion?

A 12.

12.

Okay.

I kind of see what you're saying.

I think, I believe, normal, though.

Normal, normal makes a lot of, made a lot of sense.

Yes, normal always makes sense.

Yeah, normal is always normal.

Yeah, just

say more things, normal.

Yeah.

Look, dude, you're right.

You're right.

Our parents screwed up and they made a lot of mistakes.

But a lot of that was because they loved us.

They're just trying every day to make the world a better place.

And that's all we're trying to do.

And I don't know what the future is is going to hold, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, I don't know what's going to happen in five minutes when we go fight Willie, but we're doing this because we want to make the world better, and that's from love.

And I got to believe that that kind of love can make the world a better place in the long run.

There's no guarantees, but you got to get up and you got to keep trying every single day.

Yeah, I mean, they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but right now we're in heaven, yeah, yeah, yeah, and um, dude, if we didn't care about you, like we're about to go fight God and you're really powerful and you know, we would want you to come with us, but it's not your fight, man.

So that's why, like, we care about you.

We'd rather you just do what you want to do and go home or stay here, whatever you want to do.

Like, we just care about you.

Like, we don't, we, we don't want to use you for anything like all these fucking parents and everybody else has done for us.

So, just, I mean, whether I hope you believe us, but I hope you just do what makes you happy, man.

Like Link said, the choice is yours.

You're our friend, and we don't tell our friends what to do.

We try to help them do what they want to do.

So, dude, the choice is yours.

Dude is going to roll.

One through 10, dude is going to leave.

11 through 20, dude is going to stick with you and try to fight Willie.

Dude, you got a natural one.

So dude says, I know things have been hard for all of us.

And

I know that your parents haven't been the best.

parents and your friends haven't been the best friends and I I've done a lot of bad things but I think ultimately, I did more harm than good here.

And I don't know if I should stick around,

but I do know that

you guys, you made me better, and you taught me that what I was doing, I didn't have to be doing so much anymore.

And I didn't have to be a bad girl, and I didn't have to be hurting everybody all the time.

And

I just want you to know that I appreciate that a lot.

I guess I should still go though, because I do kind of screw things up more than I don't

but I think you got you all could do a lot better than I did because I have faith in in you you know some people they worship me like a god but I kind of feel like I worship you guys sometimes because you you went through so much together and you don't like each other in a lot of ways but you really love each other in a lot of other ways and you're married and you're friends and you're you're

you're a complicated group of people and I just want you to know that

I do believe in you a lot.

Thanks, dude.

Hey, dude, I just hope you forgive yourself.

There's, you know, like you said, there's been rough times, but like, you know, it's like my dad always says, sometimes life gives you apples.

You just got to make applesauce out of it.

And, dude, it's okay to worship yourself every now and then, you know?

I want you guys to know that people spend a long time trying to deal with me, trying to like...

control me or get rid of me or any stuff like that.

And I just want you to know that you guys are the first people to actually treat me like a person

and actually end the cycle.

So like your grandparents set something into motion and then your parents made it worse.

But you finished it.

And I think you should be psyched about that.

I give dude a big hug.

Oh, yeah, my man.

Bring it in.

Big hug.

Group hug.

Can I hug you?

Can we get a big group hug before you go, dude?

Yeah, big group hug.

Please.

We love you, dude.

Anytime you want to come back and, I don't know, hang out, if that's something you can do, you you just, you know, come over.

I don't think so.

I think once I'm gone, I'm gone.

Okay, well, in that case, we'll see you in our dreams, pal.

All right.

See, crest out.

And they think of home and they think of the dimension that they came from, a dimension of chaos and darkness and confusion and love and fear and anger.

And before your eyes, they begin to fade away.

And as they do, they wave at you and they say,

I know you can do this.

I think you all are going to be alright.

And with that, the dude twinkles away and is out of existence, as far as you know.

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The universe rumbles around you as somewhere Willie shakes with rage.

With Dude gone, he's lost the ability to travel between the realms, and with it, the power to destroy all of existence.

He's still God, and he can still control the angels in heaven, but his nascent dreams of world destruction are over.

I hope they're doing okay.

Yeah, me too.

I

mean, it is what it is.

They're gone.

So now we gotta, okay, we gotta figure out the task at hand.

Like, Willie's gonna kill everybody or torture everybody or whatever.

Like, we gotta get out.

Like, we are in.

Can I test something?

Oh, yeah.

Never mind.

You guys don't need me.

We don't need to test if I can help or not.

What do you want to?

What do you mean we don't need it?

Okay, well, then give me something to put in my mouth.

What?

Sorry, what?

Just give me something.

Anything.

I take some gum out of my pocket.

All right, I put it in my mouth and I run out the door.

The gum was not wrapped.

Oh, it's okay.

I just put it in my my mouth and I run out the door.

It was not fresh either.

So the gum originated from normal, which means that when Link runs out, boop, he disappears, but the gum's suspended in midair for a split second and then falls to the ground.

I wish Link back in the room.

Okay, what did that mean?

There was no gum in my mouth.

Okay, I wish for gum.

Okay, you get a piece of gum.

You get a piece of gum.

I put that gum in my mouth and I run out the door.

The gum disappears along with you.

God damn it.

Okay, I wish Link back again.

All right.

I was just trying to see if I could bring something back to my room.

More nauseous every time.

I was just wondering if I could bring it back.

Wait a second.

I was trying to find a way to escape it.

Like if I could bring something back.

Wait a second.

wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

What did the inside of your room look like?

It's just a big empty cell.

Was there like a door?

Was there a lock?

Nah, there's just like four kicking walls around it.

What is a kicking wall?

What do you mean?

It's like it's a big flat surface that you can kick a ball at.

But that's just a wall.

What makes it a kicking wall?

What makes it, yeah.

Yeah, well, you can kick a ball at it.

Okay, okay.

Okay, we get.

All right.

Anthony, I seem to remember there was a keyhole or something.

There was a, yeah, there was a door and a keyhole.

I had the kicking wall.

One of the walls have a target for you to kick a ball out.

Yeah,

there's a small target on one

wall.

Maybe when you go back, here's something.

I give Link a paper clip from my pocket.

Okay.

It won't go back with me.

It won't go back.

Oh, that's right.

Because it won't just come back.

Because you'll leave the room.

All right.

It won't keep it.

All right.

I could draw it the shape of the keyhole in blood on my body.

Well, well, that'll come back, right?

Yeah, let's not get to that.

I don't know.

I was just trying to think of what comes back with me.

What about a fingernail?

Oh, okay.

I mean, you got long nails?

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Wait, question.

Mercedes says.

Oh, yeah, Mercedes.

Can you help me?

Where do you want him to be?

Like, we're trying to get him out the door so that he can help us fight Willie.

Do you have any, like, crystals that could do that?

I have a lot of crystals that you don't want to see me use.

Why not?

Those are the crystals from Joe, right?

Yeah.

Joe gave me those crystals.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

Joe Joe's is an adult-only friend.

You'll learn about Joe very, I'd say in a couple years.

You'll probably learn a whole lot about Joe.

Man, I'm not going to know who Joe is till I'm 17.

You don't already know.

Okay, well,

I'm not going to be the one to break that in innocence.

But I'm just wondering if you could wish to teleport yourself where Link, if you could break him out from there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yes.

What if our wish is to teleport and then we'll lose all the effects of this room the moment we're out, but we could teleport to just outside Link's cell.

Wait, I have another idea, too.

Okay, cool.

What if I teleport onto the throne of God?

Oh, yeah, what would that do?

Could you become God?

I don't know.

What if we also imagine the boulder so big that God couldn't move it?

Oh, I had a thought.

Yeah.

What is it, Grandma?

Leaving this room takes objects from you, but it can't take knowledge from you.

That's true.

I wish for the knowledge for how to open the door.

Can we?

Okay, great.

So now you know how to pick locks.

Now you know how to pick magical locks.

I wish for the knowledge.

Now you have to go back there because I don't know how to pick the lock.

Well, you and link what you you you you could do the i wish for link to know how to pick a magical lock now link knows how to pick magical locks now link has the spell knock that's pretty cool you guys know how to pick locks i know how to pick locks i wish for the knowledge of history of defeating gods in the past and throughout history so you get a vision of two time-traveling lesbians stabbing a god to death on his throne one of them garroting him while the other one stabs him in the face you have an image of like gnome chomsky being like actually,

we don't really need God anymore.

And then God having a heart attack and falling over and dying.

And you have histories of all the Greek and Roman gods fighting each other and killing one another using Mortal Kombat back in the day.

Is that how they fought?

It's straight up 2D, like Mortal Kombat style.

Yep.

Like a tournament?

Immortal Kombat.

Shao Kahn oversaw a tournament between the Greek gods?

Fuck yeah, dude.

Okay, guys, I know how to pick a lock.

Just wish me back if you don't hear from me in a second.

Taylor Taylor also wishes to be fluent in Japanese.

I also wish for the pilot program for a B-12 helicopter.

Hurry.

You all get it.

Everything you can dream.

I wish for all useful information we could possibly have.

I want to know both everything they teach you at Harvard Business School and everything they don't teach you at the Harvard Business.

I want to get a PhD from Harvard and from the streets.

I want to learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck.

So all of you self-actualize, and when you exit this room, you're going to be complete characters who have finished your arcs entirely.

Yay!

So that's one less thing we have to worry about.

I look at my three friends and I just give them a knowing nod like, we've learned a lot on this journey.

I just nod.

Link.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I wish for Link to get out of here.

Okay.

So Link returns to Link's cell.

And I do a lockpicking game, like the best one from all video games.

I'm thinking.

Convince me that you have something on your person already that would allow you to help start picking that lock.

Okay, yeah.

I fucking only used one of my fucking shin guards.

I fucking take out the plastic from my shin guard.

The ball pump has the little needle at the end.

Yeah, like always carries a ball pump with him, too.

I like that.

Yeah.

I like that.

And just so that, just so that my cool idea is also used is I get the needle, but then I also break the plastic and the shin guard into a bunch of like sharp shards.

You used both your shin guards last time to cast freedom of movement twice.

Fine, fine.

Yeah, sorry, you have to take the idea from the body.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

Okay, I take the ball pump and I like chew it and bend it with my strong baby teeth that I haven't lost yet.

Hey, what?

You two?

Me too.

And you just start kissing for some reason.

And I pick the lock.

So the door opens onto a 300-foot sheer drop into an ocean of paperwork.

You stop yourself.

You stop yourself from falling down, but you are now free of the room.

And you can see a bunch of rooms next to you, the room of your dad and all the other people.

But the one thing breaks.

Okay, good.

I work alone.

So I'm on a share clip.

It's just the paper below.

Tommy Lee Jones is behind you telling you not to jump.

I go, this one's for my flippy boys, and I do a perfect dolphin jump.

Okay.

A dolphin dive.

A dolphin dive.

A dolphin dive.

I just look like all the best characters from Assassin's Creed.

Feels like an athletics check.

To what, not fall?

Like, he's going to fall.

Fall.

There's no emotion of paper.

Yeah, but like you better dive the right way or you break your neck or something, right?

Okay, yeah.

If you do this wrong, you'll break your neck.

Let's risk our character breaking their neck, diving into the motion of paper.

Just trying to juice it up a little bit, baby.

I got 20.

So 13 plus 7.

Perfect dive.

Nari a splash of paper up as you penetrate the surface of the ocean.

Hey, Daryl, did you hear that splash?

Oh.

He finally is believed.

What?

What?

You made it.

I think that's Link.

Was he going to help us out?

Nah.

I guess I heard the lock break.

Oh, well, fuck.

Yeah, you're telling your own story now.

Oh, Ron, you're here too.

Guys, I think one of the things we need to learn as grandparents is sometimes, you know, like our time is done.

Yeah, that's a good point.

You know, and we should carry that forward in all of our things.

Like, if we're like voting for policies, we should think about things that will help the younger generation, not us.

Like, our time's done.

Daryl, you really learned a lot.

Yeah, I'm just saying, like, it's their time.

Like, we should just sit here and retire.

Reminds me that I should keep talking about environmentalism, no matter how annoying people find it, because eventually they'll wear down.

And Payne goes, oh my God, enough.

See, Anthony, even the original dads can not be funny sometimes.

I think he's just doing the Gattaca swimming, he's just swimming naz.

Just hoping, just no, he just feels instinctually.

Also, one of the things he did was he wished for all the knowledge of like the map of heaven.

So, like, so you know how to swim back to shore.

Yeah, so

shore.

You don't leave any for the way back.

So, you go.

I guess we're running to go confront Willie, right?

Is it the plan?

Uh, yeah, we're back in the room.

We're like, okay, I think it worked.

Link's gone.

We got to meet up with him.

I wish really quick is it shitty if i wish for like a long rest or something i just can't do anything

yeah we got twizzlers don't worry about it i'm about to ask for a lot more than a twizzler

as i'm swimming full speed across this ocean to our rendezvous point that we planned ahead of time can i do a roll for something You have to ask me something more specific than that.

I'm not going to give you fucking speech.

I'm going inch by inch.

You know, for the door.

Give me your fucking roll.

Did I?

No, well, I mean, I'll tell you what I'm going to roll for i want as i'm swimming i want to be glancing through the papers and what i'm looking for is just any name that feels like a warrior

i just want to gather as many army of warriors as many stars

like i just want to be swimming and just grabbing papers of people that feel strong like i'm like yeah that'll be a good person because then we'll get all their information we can just gather like as much of an army as we can What's this?

Madame Webb?

Madame Webb?

Yeah, you can roll for that.

Sure.

Go ahead and roll.

What am I rolling?

Just a straight d20 roll or an arcana roll up to you i got 10.

all right so with a 10 you find mad

uh

what was that matt the dolphins though you know i got dolphin friends

no i know but they taught me how to swim really fast and look for powerful names

That's their job.

Their job is to sort the family.

They're taught you how to swim really fast and look for powerful names.

Their job is to sort the papers in Evan.

Which implies that, like, Flippy and Chester are the pinnacle of names in their opinion which they might be

out of 10 so you got a 10 which means that the name that you see is chugs mcrae i got one person oh no sorry sorry it's not even that cool it's chugs macrame macrame which was sent to us by ox mcrae thank you ox i'm glad i'm looking left and right i'm like look at all his names just shaking my head not not this not this and i see what's his name again chugs macrame i just fucking like i don't even slow down to grab it i just go straight in my mouth i'm just like gripping it like a fucking like knife in a pirate.

I'm like, this is the person that we're fucking bringing with us.

Okay.

I mean, I wish for a Twizzler.

Normal looking at Taylor and Scary and his mom.

He says, we're about to go fight God.

This may be the last snack break we have as a group.

Oh, snacks.

And I just want to say, I just, I wish Link was here, but I just want to say you guys are great.

And it's just, it's been a pleasure.

And I hold my Twizzler up like a cool sword toward like the three Musketeers.

And I say to the team, let's touch tips.

Let's touch tips.

And I touch them.

Go teens.

Goateens.

Go teens.

Yeah.

Go teens.

Go teens.

Go teens.

Mercedes says, actually, orange slices are much healthier snack if you want to.

Shut up.

You're not a teen.

Jesus.

Is the Twizzler a long rest or a short rest?

Long rest.

Yay.

I needed that.

I was a half age.

Okay.

So.

After you awaken from your Twizzler coma, let's say that that's enough time for.

Oh, do we actually pass out?

I think you you pass out for a little while.

Oh,

let's say that's enough time for

Link to have swam.

Yeah, I was going to say

for you to reach the shore.

You guys are waiting at the shore.

You're just waiting.

You're just like, where is he?

Like, where is he?

Wait there.

It's like it's up there.

First, you just see the fucking ripples from the waves and you don't even know what you're coming to.

Something's coming.

Something's coming, guys.

Look, on the horizon, it's just like a spray of paper world.

Yes, you see this wave and like, it's been about like, I'll say like nine to heaven hours because I've been swimming across the whole ocean.

You see the fucking spray of paper and Link comes leaping out now completely nude and bloody with thousands and thousands of paper cuts.

Oh no, he's just he's he's

swimming across the title the one name in his mouth and he goes hey guys

Let's do this

and as I was swimming for nine hours straight just trying to get back to my friends I just yeah, we've been here for a while.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'm sorry.

I went as fast as I could.

I swam

swam longer than Freddy's dad.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Shit.

Oh, fuck.

As I was just swimming through endless, just names, just every person who's ever lived just lives and dreams and hopes.

And,

you know, at the end of the day, like, everybody's like, let's just do our best.

I'm just saying, like, we've all?

Yeah, Yeah, it's just, guys, it's just, I feel like I've been so hard on myself.

It's like, everybody, it's like, at the end of the day, we're all just, we're all just paper and the wind getting kicked by the foot of a really strong six foot three soccer player.

So, like,

it's fine.

It's beautiful, man.

It's just fine.

I don't know.

I felt like before I was like, we're all just dust, and I was like, all miserable about it.

And I still kind of am, but like, also at the same time, maybe that's just what it, anyways.

I just had a lot.

I just had a really big thing.

So you're saying that your long swim through every name of human existence, everyone who lived, breathed, and died on this earth, has given you great, profound insight.

Did you find any weapons that could kill you?

No, but I did find this one.

We were on the same page.

Oh, I knew what you were thinking.

Let's get an army of warriors.

And as I was swimming, I was looking through.

I found some names that seemed pretty strong, but not that strong.

But then I was like, you know what's better than an army of warriors?

One strong warrior.

So here he is.

I got the perfect one, pretty sure.

And I hold up.

What's his name again?

Chugs Macrame.

Chugs Macrame.

Holy shit.

His name is radiant off of this list.

My God, I can barely look at it.

How did you find such a powerful treasure, Link?

Well, the dolphins taught me how to swim in water and also look for strong warriors.

It says occupation accountant.

There's going to be an accountant in the books of heaven today, my friends.

Link, I'm really proud of you.

It seems like you really use that time wall to reflect.

And so for that, you can put this sticker right next to your toctopus sticker.

And I hand you a sticker that says 100.

It says, good job.

Oh, 100, good job.

It's a 100, good job, sticker.

That's because you did a good job.

Thanks, guys.

That's really good.

The next time you feel like you're not doing a good job, you look at that and you'll be like, I know how to do a good job.

Hey, guys, speaking of doing a good job or a bad job, I now am looking at this guy as an accountant.

I think I did bad.

No, no, no.

I feel like we shouldn't bring him.

I feel like we should.

That's pretty good, Scary.

I feel like we shouldn't drag this poor innocent man into this fight against him.

Grandma, and I hand Mercedes-Okar City.

You already got Grey Warrior.

I found her.

It's Mercedes.

First of all, I'm here.

Grandma, we're going to go confront Willie.

Can you look and see if this Chug's guy is legit?

And if he is, bring him back.

And if not, come back and help us.

Sure.

That's a good call.

You know what?

I know it's a problem, grandson.

Okay.

It happens.

Yeah,

right?

It happens.

Yeah.

And you move forward.

Move forward.

All right.

Let's go kill God.

Shit happened.

Or Willie.

Let's stop calling him God.

That gives him power.

Fuck that guy.

Let's go kill Willie.

But how dumb name?

Okay, but really quick.

Dumb name, Will.

What an idiot.

It seems like some of the

cool guys with that name.

Cool guys.

You know, Willie Nelson.

Willie Wonka.

Willie Wonka.

Willy Wonka killed King.

Nothing cooler than that.

Okay.

Wait, before we go, guys, have we taken like four seconds to think about how the fuck we expect to kill God?

Yeah, I took nine hours thinking about it.

Well, okay, and then you climb up within the counted.

But like, guys, what's the strategy here?

Well,

go scary.

I think somebody's got to become God.

I think we've got to get one of us on that throne.

Throne of thrones.

I got it.

Wait.

Good call.

That's true.

They always sneak onto it.

They always say to kill monsters lest you become monsters, but they never said if you're going to kill God, don't become God.

Cause like, obviously, that'd be pretty cool to become God.

So I think you're right.

Like, if you become God, to kill the monster.

They say to battle not with monsters lest you become a monster, which means to battle a monster, you got to become a monster.

That's true.

So that sounds like we need to run a diversionary tactic to get one of us on the throne of God.

And if you're on the throne, we're all on the throne because we're married that's true

we all have one soul i think i don't know how it works we all have according to heaven we all have one under the eyes of god we are united as one guys right guys that was all a trick by the way i did find the most powerful warriors and i hold up our marriage certificate for

how's he gonna get this framed that reminds me uh i we forgot once again about hermie who is is he still with us what's going on with hermie like willie stay hermie too you didn't ask for him from heaven you cast him as a spell so he is still with you and he goes, No, I'm used to this by now.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry.

Is he still thinking he's like, Willie?

You need to, like, get out of, like, that character.

No, no, I shook that free ones, dude, left.

Oh, man.

It's just OG.

You're not an OG Hermie shit right now.

Okay.

Maybe we could use Hermie to gaslight Willie into thinking he's Hermie and he's forgotten.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

What?

Do you know what I mean?

Hermie.

I mean, Willie.

Herman Will.

Hermie.

I'm Hermie.

Herman Will.

Do you think you could act so hard you could convince someone else that you were them and they were you and you had gone too deep?

No.

Yeah.

Normally?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Normal.

Yeah, normal.

That thing is pretty fucking wild.

I believe in my friend.

No, I know.

It's just in the situations where it's like, oh, don't shoot the real one.

Which one's the real one?

Like the person knows who they are.

It's like the other person.

I don't know.

You know, when that happens in a moment.

That's true.

That's true.

Hey, it was a good idea.

Just like an accountant was, you know, maybe an idea.

Normal, normal.

You don't have to.

You don't have to feel bad for that.

We can all make stupid ideas.

Well, I still think it was a good idea.

Just

seemed like the world wasn't ready for it.

It was a good idea.

Yeah.

There we go.

Just not right for the moment.

That's fair.

The right idea at the wrong time.

Hermie can still, like, I've got a stupid idea.

I'll have a stupid idea.

Yeah, this is what we have a stupid idea.

That's what this is.

Yeah.

What if we got Hermie to like suffocate Willie while pretending to be a body of water?

Because Willie's real scared.

I don't think I can pretend to be bodies of water.

Don't you tell me?

Don't tell me if you have small actor brain thinking.

Don't tell me if you have spells for creating and destroying water or something, or you could just like

which one of those useful.

No, no, you're right.

Your idea wasn't stupid.

Like scary, like, because the water thing is, you're saying that he is scared of water.

Yeah.

So that does seem useful.

He doesn't want to be submerged in water.

He doesn't want to be submerged in water.

Because he's a little baby and doesn't all swim.

Is there a large body of water in heaven?

I mean, besides the paper?

Yeah, but it's not a paper.

That doesn't really count, though, right?

Well, can we change the paper into water?

Do we have a spell to do that?

So I have a spell called create or destroy water.

I can create up to 10 gallons.

Okay.

Doesn't seem like enough to submerge a fully grown man.

Marcia says, I don't know.

That seems like a lot if you could keep his head still.

Yeah, yeah.

If you can somehow get the head, it's enough to submerge your head.

Like a swirly.

Or a waterboarding scenario.

Wasn't somebody talking that, like, there was swimming pools or something in heaven?

Taylor was telling us about his friend that, you know, no offense that Mrs.

Oaks Garcia shot that beat a lot in pools.

Like three pools or something.

He filled several pools besides.

Now, here's this.

We could teleport him to the piss pool, but here's the problem: is that once we get him in there, he's in a room where then he can also imagine whatever he wants.

Yeah, no, we need water.

10 gallons is something.

I wonder, do we have like a multiplying spell?

No, we need to hold the 10 gallons in something.

Okay.

So, but fortunately, I think my teeny the teen head head would hold that much water if we sealed it up.

Oh,

trapping him in a head of water.

This sounds like a job.

That's like mid-glue.

And then I plug in my glue gun to heat it up to seal.

So there's no outlets in the heaven.

Hey, I have a glue gun that has an internal store battery so that you can turn it on.

Please, you think I rock a glue gun that doesn't have an internal store battery?

I was shocked.

I thought you were about to say that we should hold the piss in our bladders no no he was thinking that and then drown him in our bladders yeah in our bladders we waterboard water we train him to be a surgeon he cuts us open surprise there's piss

surprise there's piss in here okay so normal draws his cordless glue gun and i would like to seal the teen high helmet now i don't know if i actually have it with me anymore we've been pretty fast and loose about whether i have this thing here's what you probably have is you probably have a travel size deployable collapsible helmet oh yes i've got the mark five with me.

Like the one in the suitcase, like it fucking Iron Man.

Yeah, I take out my suitcase, Iron Man, Teen of the Teen outfit, and I take the head and I caulk it with glue to try to seal it as water as well.

I love the idea.

Here's how it works: is that it's one of those ones where the head like collapses into a flat thing, and you go and it like pops out and open it.

Perfect.

So it is now basically the next dump has been closed?

No, it's just I wanted like the eyes and like I've like there's a mask for me to breathe in.

So I sealed all that up with glue and then I test whether or not it can hold 10 gallons of water.

Okay.

10 gallons of water weighs a lot, by the way.

Yeah, we would, we would do like a, I would know where we get this in heaven.

Like almost like a silicone seal, so you could like sink your head in.

Yeah.

And then it would seal.

Or we'd hold him upside down in the water.

Is there a way to get him upside down?

But it'd be good if we could just like slam it on his head.

Yes, that's true.

Oh, you know what?

We could do is a little bit of paper and mache because we got all that paper.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's true.

That'soriously the best thing to hold water in is paper.

Sealed it up with glue.

A pier pierre machete.

And I also think that Taylor has like cosplay arts and craft skills.

Normally, I've always wanted to make something with you in the cosplay sense.

Really?

Yes.

Okay, well, let's because I've always thought the costume could have some, you know, improvements.

Well, let's not let's not say things we can't take back, Taylor.

Yeah, what we'd like to do is fashion a basically like a perfect like neck seal around this thing.

Like a sparkletz jug.

You could essentially, like with one quick move, tip it over onto his head and he would be like the base of the sparklets jug and we only need it for a second right because we're just trying to distract him to get onto the throne of god at which point one of us i mean yeah but if we drown him so much the better yeah yeah yeah yeah does anybody have like a transport backpack or anything do we have any like like better materials and y'all teens got a transport yeah i do i don't know why i asked him

Sure, why not?

I was saying you could use like the fabric of a backpack to be the whole or whatever.

Yeah, we're going to just try to scrounge miscellaneous fabrics.

I've got a a bunch of patches on my jeans because, you know, they were all shredded and I was like, awesome.

I think those burned jeans look pretty cool.

Yeah, thanks.

Do you burn them yourself or do you buy them like that?

Well, you know, some mysteries are better left.

I bought them.

That's cool.

Give me a roll to see how well you can construct this.

What would that be like survival?

Yeah, this is like science lab roll.

Like, this is

lab.

Yeah, this is like high school roll.

I feel like fourth edition happens.

I'm getting into science.

I rolled a 19th.

Great.

So you make a human sparklets jug so that once that thing goes on somebody's head, it will submerge them entirely in water, but it will, in the meantime, leak no water.

Great.

Okay.

So we step back like, whew, can't believe we got that perfectly watertight with the available goods around us.

The available goods and services.

Thumbtack presents.

Uncertainty strikes.

I was surrounded.

The aisle and the options were closing in.

There were paint rollers, satin and matte finish, angle brushes, and natural bristles.

There were too many choices.

What if I never got my living room painted?

What if I couldn't figure out what type of paint to use?

What if

I just used thumbtack?

I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

10 gallons of water weighs 83 pounds.

Okay, good to know.

Yeah.

I could lift that easily.

I bet you could.

You're strong and capable.

Oh, thank you.

We have step one.

While we were doing this, did Mercedes maybe scout out to meet our good friend Gooch McWeatherfin or whatever his name was?

Chugs Macrame.

Chugs Macrame.

Yeah.

Chugs implies that this person knows his way around water.

Yeah, he knows a lot about water.

He goes, yes, I'm an accountant and an Olympic pool swimmer.

I love love to swim in my spare time.

Hi, I'm Chugs McRame.

And he holds out his hand.

How much of a warrior does Chugs Macrame look like?

He looks like

an Olympian.

An Olympian.

Like, was he on the 100?

He's like, oh, it's several minutes.

I go, real slow.

It's slow as he wins the race.

I like to

do some light cardio every so every so often.

Well, Chugs, Mr.

Chugs, I swam through all.

He's wearing glasses, got a big old mustache.

He looks extremely unintimidating.

I swam through all the names of heaven.

Wow wee.

And I cried.

I was looking for the strongest warrior, and I grabbed your name, and I told my friends that you were the strongest warrior.

Didn't you?

Don't you ever make a mistake?

I think that was very flattering.

I think I'm a great warrior when it comes to number crunching.

Bring him in, bring him in.

When it comes to number crunching, hey, you never know.

Bring him in.

Do you want to fight God with us?

Oh, do I?

I would love to be there for your final.

Chugs said, join the party.

Chugs joins the party, dog.

Chugs, you're in.

Chugs is a level 20 accountant.

Yeah.

Anything that requires math.

Anything that requires math numbers or...

Is he the one who tells us that 10 gallons weighs 83 pounds?

Yeah.

Hey, Chugs, how much does 10 gallons weigh?

83 pounds.

Wow, okay.

That's going to require at least two people to care.

You didn't even ask him 10 gallons of what?

And he knew.

He knew.

He knew what we were talking about.

Water.

He's smart.

He listens to his talk.

Tiss, of course.

10 gallons.

Well, cool.

We got Chugs.

We got Mercedes.

Hey, Chugs, I have a lot of freelance work coming in.

Should I be doing those as 1099s or is it worth starting an S-Corp?

How much?

You should definitely start an S-Corp and then do a lot of things that are not quite legal to make your tax income seem less than it is.

Chugs.

Chugs is like, there's a difference between tax avoidance and tax fraud.

I was like, I knew Chugs was a warrior.

All right, Chugs.

All right, Chugs, you're in.

I guess the plan now is we...

Attack Willie.

Yeah.

I think we just attack the throne of God.

And we'll, you know, if Willie doesn't show up, then great.

Then we just hop on it.

But assuming Willie does show up.

Assuming Willie's there, which we have to assume.

Yeah, he'd be an idiot not to be.

Okay.

We'll throw this on his head.

Same as he is now, then.

I had other plans.

Is there a roof over heaven?

No, heaven.

Is there a roof over heaven?

Heaven goes all the way up.

It's like the thing you say with your high will.

I was just gonna say, I

I was just gonna say, if there's some way to get someone above, like hanging above, we could cast spider climb on someone.

We could get a spider boy above with the head.

And then all they have to do is drop down onto Willie with the head.

Could we like commandeer an angel?

Well, I could use my familiar.

I've got one.

You got a familiar.

What's a familiar?

Yeah.

Scary whistles.

I can't whistle, so it's just imagine there's the...

Yeah, it sounds like that.

Gary's such a good whistler.

Thanks.

And you see Rogue come back.

What?

Yep.

And he's like Puff the Magic Dragon.

Not Puff the Magic Dragon.

Each dragon.

He's like the never-ending story

Falcor.

He's huge,

but he can get small if he wants.

What's a familiar?

What do you mean?

How's Rogue?

Where did this guy come from?

Wait, do we all get pets in heaven?

Like, two sentences.

What's the whole deal with this?

Two sentences.

I'm just saying, summarize it for anyone who might be, you know, like, you know, a little bit lost.

I'm curious, what's going on?

Yeah, sure.

So, when Ron looked at me right before he went into jail or whatever, he gave me the fine familiar spell.

And I said it in that episode.

You did it.

You did a tool of the tape.

And so Ron whistles.

Because I have Pact of the Chain, I have the Fine Familiar spell.

I'm not going to use it, but I have a Familiar now.

Wait, so you're like a pet?

This is yours?

He's like a pet, but he's so much more than that.

I feel like

I'm not okay.

I feel like this could have come in handy before now, but

I was just okay.

I'm kind of scared of dogs, okay?

Oh, well, that's okay.

Rogue's a good boy.

Yeah, he is a good boy.

He did murder like a hundred people in front of us.

Yeah, that's yeah.

Yeah, he's still got blood in all of his fur and stuff.

So, you know what?

They say it's always the owner, not the dog.

So, it probably was Rod's fault.

He's okay to not be on a leash.

So he's friendly.

Oh, maybe too friendly.

So this is great.

This is good.

Broken fly?

Broken fly.

So we can like Eric dropped this freaking.

Yes, one of us will be on Rogue.

We'll dive off and airdrop onto Willie the Sparklets junk.

He won't even see it coming because the rest of us are keeping him busy on the ground.

And then while all that's going on, I'll stealth in and get onto the throne of God.

Taylor makes a sneaky play for heaven.

I think scary wanted to go on the throne.

No, it's okay.

I don't want this.

You guys are like rock, paper, scissors.

Here's my point.

We should do a cent.

I'm going to think you two should rock, paper, scissors it.

I'm going to.

I'm going to say we should all try.

I'd like to roll an insight on whether Taylor wants the throne a little too bad.

He's at 21.

Taylor, you have to tell the truth.

Is this Borbier?

Yes.

This is 100%.

But what could I do?

What's up?

I could remake the world.

I could remake the world.

Taylor, I feel like maybe, like, I just, you know, being God's a lot of responsibility.

Yeah.

And I feel like maybe, like, you wouldn't have as much time to watch anime.

Yes.

You wouldn't.

You're the fucking dumbest shit I've ever heard.

God, Taylor is the best.

Taylor.

Taylor.

Yes.

Don't listen to these idiots.

Yeah.

You're the best and the strongest of us.

I wink at the other dude.

Like, yo, you had to take the wrong approach.

Yeah, no, you could go and throw him.

No, you should definitely do the throne of God because you're the strongest and the best warrior of us.

Obviously, obviously.

Oh, man.

I just really worried that I'm going to to mess up the hardest part of the job, honestly, which is this airdrop, this final strike against Willie, this massive anime.

Can you remind me, like, it's just such a big thing.

I'm trying to think about it.

Like, I'm going to like

down

flying on a flying dog with a weapon crafted in heaven.

You're going to leap and put it on the head of God.

And I just, is there any anime?

Because it sounds like such an anime thing.

When you look down, Taylor's hand is already on top of your hand in a comforting, like, hey, man, just chill.

And then his other hand, he's zipping up his fly.

He's like, added a little bit of piss to the headbox.

Oh,

well, that.

Gave it a little bit of Taylor juice.

I was one.

Oh, yeah.

Just this one up before the final.

I wasn't concerned about the level of liquid.

Don't worry, Link.

I made it that little Taylor spice.

We need you to do the big drop.

Come here, Rogue.

Sure.

Oh,

and Taylor's not like covered in blood.

Rogue, you and me.

Why do you

say he nuzzled Rogue?

Oh, and Rogue's covered.

That's what RRR meant.

Okay, I believe.

You're right, Link.

I am the strongest warrior of you all.

And it is only fitting that two of the strongest go to the spoils of war.

Scary.

You'll be the one to make a break for the throne.

But after you're done, I just want like five to ten seconds on the throne.

That's cool.

Thanks.

Anyway, I'll handle Rogue if you will let me.

Well, he's my familiar, so I don't know how that would work.

Yeah, hey, hold on.

How's that going to work?

Well, you two, maybe you both fly on Rogue.

And you airdrop onto Willie and you airdrop onto the throne.

I just give Rogue basic obedience, you know, like commands or, you know, really requests.

Like, sit, stay, fly, that kind of thing.

And as long as he can hear me, maybe he'll do it.

There we go.

That makes sense to me.

Okay.

And then the rest of us will fight Willie while Scary tries to get onto the throne.

Or, I mean, I guess we all will try to get on the throne, but we'll prioritize, like, that's the play, though.

Like, we were doing like a, you know, a play.

What could go wrong?

There's a real fucking hail mary pass but don't worry when you got captain taylor on the helm there's only one way this can go hits up baby that's not

that way

i've been saying that my whole life you shouldn't say it either it's rude

just a weird just aggressive thing to say this explains quite a lot all right before we do this yes chugs crunch the numbers what's our odds of success

but also never tell he's already got the really long uh manual calculator we we have to go

like and pull the lever and it keeps

from the 1920s um and he goes looks like you make five cents on every dollar i don't know if i would say that this is the most profitable enterprise i've ever seen but i believe in you kids oh wow

okay your your voice changed because i'm from the 1920s now i just realized that

once he goes into accounting mode he just becomes a different person yeah well you've heard a counted voice it sounds like this chugs you're all right i know so chugs what are you gonna do during the fight fight?

I've got to crunch the numbers, I guess.

I don't know.

What the fuck do you want me to do?

You need to do a little less crunching the numbers and a little more crunching them bones.

Yeah.

All right.

I guess I'll dig deep into my swimming and accounting background and put up my dukes and see if I can fight against the heavenly host of God.

Hey.

Hey, bud.

Let's add to it.

We asked you if you wanted to come and fight God, and you said, yeah.

So, like, if you don't, you don't have to, but, like, you know, if you're in, you're in.

Now, here's the thing: Hermie.

Somebody's going to name it Hermie two, Hermie two.

We got to remind ourselves every five seconds.

I'm still Hermie, baby, where it counts.

Hermie, too.

I still got to where it counts, he says, patting himself on the head.

Hermie, too.

What?

Perhaps the most difficult role.

You'll need to convince Willie that I am down there, not flying.

Oh, that's great.

You really think he's going to notice if you're not around?

Yes.

My outsize presence.

Taylor doesn't hear any any of that.

My outsize presence will be sorely missed.

That sort of cocky swagger.

He'll clock it immediately.

Do you think you have what it takes?

Yeah, I think Hermie should act exactly like Taylor's.

Gee, I don't know.

And then suddenly he's behind you.

He goes, Can I?

And

he looks like you now.

My God, what a looker.

Yeah, you don't see a look at yourself sometimes.

Gosh, I got to say, it's really impressive.

Just the pecs, the aesthetic, the pork pie.

What's going on?

Now that I'm seeing myself now that I'm seeing myself, I kind of just want to.

What's going on?

Turn around real quick.

Let me see what I I look like.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Love to watch you leave.

Who is Joe?

All right, let's go.

Let's go.

This is too much.

Let's go.

Step one, separate Taylor and Ermie.

And then step two, we fight God.

Okay, so I'm going to say that as you approach the throne of God, you can get to a place where you can see what's going on, but they can't see you just for the sake of.

You sneak up.

Yeah, you sneak up.

I think it starts with Taylor in the sky as high up as you can.

I gave Taylor a little tiny mirror so we can do a little signal mirror.

We do little signal mirrors to each other.

So we like we look at the sky, you see nothing, but they see a a little flash he's like

a little cream rocket lens flare coming at you and perfect morse code which taylor studied one summer so taylor you see and then translate to morse code for the rest of the group

willie is pacing back and forth in front of the throne of god his hair is disheveled he looks unhinged he for all the world looks like a man who has lost what mattered most to him which was power you see 10 angels floating around him you also see a bunch of other humanoid figures next to him.

And when you squint, you realize arrayed around him are all of your parents.

Grant, Marco, the rest of them, even

Scary's biological dad is here.

And you hear Willie say, your fucking kids ruined everything.

And I'm not going to take it out on them because that's too fucking easy.

What I'm going to do instead is he snaps his fingers.

And all of your parents start to writhe in agony on the ground.

They start to scream.

They start to squeal.

Tears run down their faces.

He's doing something to them that is hurting them very badly.

And he looks up into the sky.

He screams.

He says, you took dude from me.

You took my only ability to be a god.

You took the one thing that mattered the most to me.

So I'm going to take the one thing that matters the most from you.

I'm going to spend the rest of my fucking eternal life up in heaven torturing your parents.

And if I see a single one of you, they're going to die.

So you either get to live the rest of your life knowing that I'm torturing your parents and it's your fault for taking away dude or you get to try and attack me and do your whatever stupid plan you've got planned and I'm going to kill them right in front of you.

So it's up to you kids.

And just to prove I'm serious.

Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to write down one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

I think there's roughly 10 people that are all of your parents.

And I'm going to roll a D10 right now.

And then he's going to kill one of them at random.

Wait, like every, like, so Marco, like, all of our parents.

All of your parents.

Okay.

Like, really, really, like, for real killing them.

Yeah.

Okay.

So he is going to...

Snap his fingers and one of your parents is going to be dead, permanently dead, not in heaven, not in hell, just nothing and nowhere.

And that parent is

Normal's mom.

What?

Rebecca?

So, Rebecca disappears entirely.

Bob!

And he goes, your move.

Used to tell myself it'll be all right.

Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

I know that no one knows me better than myself.

And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lingam Lee Wilson.

Anthony Birch is our DM.

Will Campos as Normal Oak.

Beth May as Gary Marlow and myself.

Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashen Nicolette is our community manager.

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Our show is supported by a Patreon, and our Patreon contains names like Alana Grossman, Wally Clark, Annie, Crystal Denton, Simon Schoenbeck, Michael Munford, Georgia Bowers, SJB, Corey Gassett, Patrick Tanner, Riley Wesson, Maddie Christensen, Nancy Chansey, Rasmus Arentoft, Allie, Ivy Gore, Nathan Dowie, Ridley, Grace Perrine, and Michael B.

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Can you feel it?

We're getting close to the end of season two, but don't fear, there's plenty of content for you to consume on our Patreon.

That's at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

On it, you will find all sorts of bonus episodes, bonus one-shots, our after-show, Talking Dad for season one, and Teen Talk for season two.

I can heartily recommend our numerous one-shot miniseries, some of which are tied into the story of this show, like at the Mountains of Dadness, which is played in the Call of Cthulhu system, and others of which have nothing to do with the show, such as all that jizz.

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It's a Star Wars miniseries, and it's horny as hell, dog.

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Our next episode is coming at you March 26th.

We will see you then.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

Why does Bugs Bunny tunnel?

That doesn't make any sense.

He's a rabbit.

Yeah.

But rabbits don't.

They have burrows, dude.

He doesn't just live in like a Greek opera all the time.

Okay, I'm just saying the Looney Tooth show.

Bugs Buddy's house is a craftsman's own.

Okay, okay.