S2 Ep. 51 - Cool Hand Linc

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Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Speaker 2 Billionaires are great for the economy.

Speaker 2 The honeybackers drinks when he watches.

Speaker 2 What's in a name?

Speaker 3 In ancient Egypt, they believed that knowing the name of someone gave you power over them.

Speaker 3 Last time, we made the clutch move to run a little experiment to put that concept to the test.

Speaker 3 We took a simple piss wizard, changed his name to Willie Stampler, and the results were mind-blowing.

Speaker 2 Literally.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. You moron? What do you think you want to get? That's a little hard out the gate.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I feel a little spicy, guys. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 He's just feeling spicy, so you can say mean things.

Speaker 3 Watch out. He's feeling spicy.

Speaker 2 He's really weaponizing that therapy language.

Speaker 2 Is spicy therapy language now?

Speaker 2 I saw a TikTok ad almost threw my phone across the room because it said.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, neurospicy.

Speaker 2 Is your brain feeling a little spicy as like their way of describing like, hey, you might be.

Speaker 2 You might be.

Speaker 2 Is he, you know.

Speaker 2 This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. It's a spicy Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 2 That's what it is. That's what we are.
We're a spicy Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 2 Four spicy brains are are here to play Dungeons and Dragons. Four Spicy Brains and Freddy are here

Speaker 2 as best we can. This is a story of four teens from our world who are from our world originally.

Speaker 2 Hey, guys, if this podcast was a spice, it'd be cumin, like coming. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's like, human, but C-U-M-I-N. Cumin does sound like human and come.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Funny, I guess.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Shaking the rust off.

Speaker 2 Got to shake loose. Got to.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, Freddy. Stick and move.
Stick and move. 14th of our world who need a fixed our world.
After all, their grandparents jacked it up. My name is Freddie Wong.
I play Taylor Swift. The...

Speaker 2 It's been a bit. I need to look at my character sheet.
The Teeveling Rogue, once former Ranger, now roguish in his complexion and sensibilities.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with that? What is a roguish complexion? Careful.

Speaker 2 It's like one eyebrows permanently like.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's got Dreamwork Space. Dreamwork Space.
The whole time Taylor's at DreamWorkspace. And the Pork pie hat, Will.
Get everything.

Speaker 2 I never heard the term DreamWorkspace. That's really good.
I love it and I hate it so much. That's perfect.

Speaker 2 Taylor's teen fact for this week.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do one more real life thing, which is probably the biggest difference between the Taylor Swift we all know and love and the Taylor Swift the musical world all knows and loves.

Speaker 2 I'm not sick of hearing about our Taylor Swift. Our Taylor Swift would never hop on a plane back from Japan.
I don't care if it's the Super Bowl. He's in Japan, baby.
It's Anime Central.

Speaker 2 He's not coming back here for nothing, no matter who he's going out with, no matter how important the big game is.

Speaker 2 Taylor's staying there right in Akihabra and hitting up all the maid cafes and an occasional cat cafe.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I'm Matthew Arnold.

Speaker 2 I play Lincoln, Lee, Wilson, Oaks, Garcia,

Speaker 2 Malo Swift. Malo?

Speaker 2 Love it. The little guy from Super Mario RPG.

Speaker 2 That's what I was thinking. I just beat that game a bit ago.

Speaker 2 Anyways, really quick, I want to get into the game, especially since I'm just stuck in a room and I don't have anything to do with it in this episode. Quick fact about Lincoln.

Speaker 2 He only has one poster on his wall that is not a soccer poster, or one thing hung up on his wall. I guess it's not really a poster that's not a soccer poster.

Speaker 2 And it is his graduation certificate from his school, which is just he won Best Son and Best Student Award from the two principals.

Speaker 2 They're both principals of shared principals, yeah. Co-principles.

Speaker 2 One of them is the dean of discipline and the the other one's the dean of discipline.

Speaker 3 Co-principles sounds like a scientific theory.

Speaker 2 I think that means you got to introduce yourself. Larry just snuck.

Speaker 3 How did it happen? What a boss clutch move, right?

Speaker 3 Fine. Okay.
Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlowe, who's currently playing Larry the science kid.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Go, Larry. That's what the kids say every time he shows up in school.
Can't you ride with you later, Larry?

Speaker 3 Larry doesn't go to school. He already knows all of it.
Why would he go to school?

Speaker 2 He just sits out of the house. Larry's got some pretty fucked up opinions on the public education system.

Speaker 3 Larry's just got to be on his phone scrolling through.

Speaker 3 He doesn't have time for school. Okay, but scary.

Speaker 2 Charter schools gives parents choice.

Speaker 3 Fun fact about Scary today, because this is raining.

Speaker 3 Scary doesn't use an umbrella ever.

Speaker 2 Checks out.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's, yeah, she doesn't.

Speaker 2 Does she like deflect her face up a little bit so like whatever mascara like gets that like sort of goffy smear going on? Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Sure, Will. Come in and do my fact better than me.

Speaker 3 My first day back, my first day back at work with the boy.

Speaker 2 Keep up.

Speaker 3 Okay, Will, introduce yourself.

Speaker 2 It's time for Will Campos to say hello. Hi, everyone.
I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Lee, Oak Swallows, Garcia, Malo, Mario Master Chief.

Speaker 2 Fun fact about Normal.

Speaker 2 Magic your last name was Mario Master Chief when he went to school. God, all the fucking populations.

Speaker 2 All the fucking bitches, dog. Freddie Wong, present, Matthew.

Speaker 2 Present!

Speaker 2 Little Master Chief Mario!

Speaker 2 Fun fact about Normal this week is that the Oak Garcia family, for generations now, starting with Henry, is the one thing they can all agree on is that they're a 60 frames a second smooth motion TV.

Speaker 2 Yeah! Yes!

Speaker 2 Yes! Fucking Oaks Craig that shit!

Speaker 2 Give me that dynamic! Yes, dog! Give me that dynamic HDR, dog! The white point is setting based on the ambient light of the room, dude.

Speaker 2 That's fucking 400 milliseconds of processing time to the goddamn hit man.

Speaker 2 I mean, Henry and the gang and normal, they don't know any of that. They just are like, it looks kind of fun.
It's kind of smooth. They watch a lot of Nature Docs, too.

Speaker 2 They watch a lot of Nature Docs.

Speaker 2 Nature Docs, you know, whenever the occasional sports game comes on, but mostly they love like really old, like classic movies, like Charlie Chaplin movies, cranked up to 120 frames a second.

Speaker 2 And then Normal's posts on social media, like on Pinterest, his favorite media platform. Whenever it's like Thanksgiving, he posts a tip that's like, hey, guys, like, here's your tip.

Speaker 2 If you're going over your friend's house, like, here's how you change their TV settings to crank the smooth motion all the way up. So it looks even better.

Speaker 2 Movie's looking a little choppy. Follow these tips.
This thing is a good thing. Did you know they used to shoot movies only 24 frames a second? That's the interpolative technology.

Speaker 2 you can watch it as any frames you want. Oh, that's so sick.

Speaker 3 I kind of get it. It's like, you know, we used to have horses carrying us around, and now we've got, you know, a lot of horsepower.
So why not kick it up?

Speaker 2 That's true. 220 frames.
Okay, Mr. Beast.
Okay, if he did a video that was a 200 horsepower car versus a 200 horsepowered car. He probably has.
He probably has done that video while simulating

Speaker 2 seven seconds in one video.

Speaker 2 And the horses are all powered by Mr.

Speaker 3 Beast's chocolate.

Speaker 2 By Mr. Beast's chocolate.
200 horsepower car or carried by 200 orphaned horses that I will pay for afterwards.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I'm such a good little boy.

Speaker 2 Buy my chocolate bars. All right.
It's like he's here.

Speaker 2 I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad.
Hi, Dad. Hey, dad.
Only Will cares about Steeny saying hi to his dad after all this time.

Speaker 2 Will

Speaker 2 you fucking, okay. In a room.
Hi. Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi, Dad. So, porn update.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's why we didn't say hi, dad, because we knew you were going to talk about your porn, dad. Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 2 Dad embarrasses us with his porn. Porn update.
Your mom found it.

Speaker 2 Your mom's in it.

Speaker 2 They're going to start shooting in March.

Speaker 2 So we got to date.

Speaker 2 How long is it going to do photography? Yeah, they're going to be shooting. They're going to do pickups.
They're going to be shooting.

Speaker 2 The fun thing is that I sent off a script and they sent the script back.

Speaker 2 And the whole premise of this story is a guy is playing like Street Fighter against somebody, and then he gets tea-bagged over and over again.

Speaker 2 He's like, oh, and I'm going to track this guy down and teabag him for real in real life. And then they do and they start having sex.

Speaker 2 And then brilliant.

Speaker 2 Brilliant. In the script, I was like, well, surely whatever video game they play is going to be like off screen.
You're going to hear sounds of like,

Speaker 2 like, you're not going to spend any money to actually put video games on screen because that's insane. And they were like, no, we have a 2D animation guy.

Speaker 2 We're going to like try and animate a little like fight scene for the teabag stuff. And I was like, oh, that's so cool.

Speaker 2 And then they didn't tell me this, but I looked through the script and there was like a description of like, here's what the 2D fighting game should look like.

Speaker 2 One of these characters should look like this guy and it was a fan art picture of Willie Stampler. And it said the other one should look like this guy and it was a picture of me.
What?

Speaker 2 So apparently when this comes out, there's a not a significant chance that I will be getting virtually teabagged in a porno

Speaker 2 by Willie Stampler in a porno that I wrote. So keep an eye out for that.
Do you know that you're Willie Stampler? Did they just happen to find no, they know? I think they're fans of the show.

Speaker 2 This is sayuncle.com, by the way. That was my promise that I should talk about the website.
It will be. Real quick, Anthony, you and me.
Just man and man, real quick. Anthony, do you agree?

Speaker 2 There's some heights that writers have never reached, and you're sitting atop that piece. Oh, yeah.
No, oh, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 Like, do you think Shakespeare was like, yes, verily, I got teabagged in this play?

Speaker 2 Like, fuck no, dude. And what, how, can I ask you, how does it feel? What is the view like from up there? I mean, if it comes out and I'm in there, it's gonna be so good.
Are they inviting you to set?

Speaker 2 They offered that, and I said, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Let me see this. It's the same comes out.
It's a hit. They want to welcome you.
Welcome. Keep transferring that basketball.

Speaker 2 It's a hit. Anthony Birch, your website.
You have a website

Speaker 2 for your professional sort of stuff. Anthony Birch shot pizza, by the way.
I know that I'm just looking at it right now. It says stuff I've worked on.
The first thing I see appears to be God of War.

Speaker 2 You can replace that top image. Ooh, yeah, I might as well.
Like a money shot. I don't know if I'll do the top image, but it'll be hidden in there somewhere in the middle of that page.
Ah, very good.

Speaker 2 That is the promise I make. Just making a picture of the video game.
Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Speaker 2 With a little... Nothing.

Speaker 3 Never mind.

Speaker 2 Well, Beth. What was your dirty mind?

Speaker 3 With a little cum stain stain on the screen.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I just wanted, I just wanted to know what you were thinking.

Speaker 2 So when we last left you, a couple things had happened. One, Link had gotten thrown into one of the private rooms that Willie has been trying to sequester away people that are too powerful to fight.

Speaker 3 He went to horny jail.

Speaker 2 I thought the room was like a prison. Private room sounds weird.
Yeah, private room sounds like a strip club. Sorry, prison.
He threw them into heaven prison.

Speaker 3 But not with the other people who are in the middle of the day.

Speaker 2 No, he's alone in his own solitary confinement. Matt.
Uh-huh. Is this a What Dreams May Come scenario where your prison in heaven is this whole universe unto itself, dog?

Speaker 2 What dreams may come would be a great name for a porno. Straight up there is a porno.
No, there is a porno. It's called what dreams may come.

Speaker 2 That's great. It's really good.
Did I ever tell you the best porno titled what which would you do an apocalypse now porno and you call it a cock of my lips now?

Speaker 2 It was still still a war movie. Yeah, it's still a war movie.
Maharaj.

Speaker 2 That smell that

Speaker 2 smells like victory.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are we talking about? Okay, you're doing things that happened. Okay, so explain the things that happened.
Yes. Link got thrown into heaven prison.

Speaker 2 This is the same sort of prison that Willie was in. So it's like a it is a demiplane.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Larry, the science kid is still by Willie's side. And Normal and Taylor went to basically enact two parts of a two-pronged plan.
One of which was to get Mercedes-O.

Speaker 2 Garcia to come and help them because Willie, in his sexism, did not realize that Mercedes and the other moms might be a threat.

Speaker 2 And the other part of which was to get a person named Vincent Spellfeather to change his name to Willie Stampler so that he could be the one to take control of the doodler.

Speaker 2 Upon hearing that this person's name was Willie Stampler, Mercedes then shot him in the head and killed him. So, what do we think happens next?

Speaker 2 A group of friends. Okay, so

Speaker 2 I think we pick up that

Speaker 2 imagination together. Let's play that scene right now.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you doing, Willie Stampler? Mom, good work, you killed. Because if Normal didn't know the plan, this plan was all.
It's like, holy shit, grandma, you just took out Willie Stampler.

Speaker 2 I guess he's in disguise or something. You see Taylor take off his pork pie hat and just kind of scratch his head a little bit and just sigh.

Speaker 2 And you know the Pablo Escobar waiting meme where it's just him like sitting?

Speaker 2 Taylor enacts every one of those poses and he like stands off to the side, hands behind his back, just kind of looking off into this. He's almost tapping you on the shoulder.
So he's dead now, right?

Speaker 2 So like, is he going to turn back into himself? Is this like a spell? Like, how what's what uh that really sucks, lady?

Speaker 2 What was that all about? This was my guy. This is the guy that we're pretending to be Willie Stample.
This is gonna be the move that we were using. He used his name because of the name.

Speaker 2 It's not the dude.

Speaker 2 Ow.

Speaker 2 Mercedes goes, oh.

Speaker 2 Well, you should have said something other than this is Willie Stample.

Speaker 2 I mean, I.

Speaker 2 Bro, first of all, hey, lady. Hey, hey, hey.
You blaming me for what you did. Hey, that's my Apple Literature you're talking to, mister.
So you're the cool it. All right? There's a lot going on.

Speaker 2 There's a lot going on, Taylor. And I i know you and me we've had our we've had our frictions in the past i'll fight your abilita right here i'll fight you right now i'll fight your abolita

Speaker 2 and she puts a hand on both of your shoulders and she's

Speaker 2 she takes a hand away from your shoulder and she says let's just calm down let's talk this through what is going on right now

Speaker 2 okay so and then Normal whispers in her ear so we can speedrun through him re-expositing the plot of the entire show. And she goes, oh, that sounds fucked up.

Speaker 2 But I mean, like, what what are you trying to do? This was my master plan because we knew that dude only reacts and obeys Willie Stampler.

Speaker 2 And my plan was to find someone and then change their name to Willie Stampler. And I'm dude, we'll obey this person.
There'll be a duel of two gods controlling this demigod with the same name.

Speaker 2 Now it's ruined because he shot an ad!

Speaker 2 I acknowledge that it was a mistake, but I didn't know it was a mistake. And so I choose to forgive myself for doing that.

Speaker 2 I think that's beautiful. That's okay.
I forgive you too, Grandma. Yeah, Dad.
Taylor. No.

Speaker 2 Taylor. Now.
Taylor. Now.

Speaker 2 You ruined my grandmother. She did shoot and ask questions later.
That's.

Speaker 2 That's a rough thing to forgive.

Speaker 2 You're not in the scene, Link. You're an old car.
That was my favorite. My Abelida's perfect.
Your Abelina and I have beef. That's right, lady.
You and me, we got beef now.

Speaker 2 Let's what the fuck are we gonna do? So as you're talking, you hear a

Speaker 2 that's slowly getting louder and louder and as you hear that noise get louder and louder you see the shadow of several angels flapping their eyelashes coming towards you They haven't seen you yet, but they are coming towards your direction

Speaker 2 and Mercedes goes oh shit. Yeah, they're coming for the body first room get in here We open the random door Okay and get inside to hide in someone's heaven.
Yes. Okay.

Speaker 2 So you get inside you know what it's exactly like the what dream become a heaven. It's like a really beautiful field

Speaker 2 Anthony. It is what dreams.
You did say what dreams. Did I say what dreams? You did say what dreams.
Okay. I said what I said then, I guess.

Speaker 2 You walk into a horrible, horrible, horrible orgy, and immediately Mercedes goes, no, and covers both of your eyes with her hands. What's going on? I didn't see anything.

Speaker 2 Don't listen. Don't smell.
Hold your breath. Someone hit the light.
Did you smell? Hold your breath. Normal plugs his ears and his nose at the same time.

Speaker 2 So she opens the door crack so you can see what's going on. And you can see the angels fly down.
grab the body and then begin to drag it away.

Speaker 2 And Mercedes goes, that's what they do to anybody who dies in heaven. They get taken to the timeout zone.
Angels couldn't drag me away.

Speaker 3 It wasn't funny, but it was stuck in my head.

Speaker 2 There was like a song that played at the same time, someone's ringtone or something. I don't know.
What did you say, lady? Did a bell just go off, or did I just lose my mind? No, Matt did

Speaker 2 nothing.

Speaker 2 You smell toast. So she says, That's what happens when somebody gets killed up in heaven: they just go in the timeout chamber and then they come back eventually.

Speaker 2 That's where a lot of people play wild, wild angels.

Speaker 2 Couldn't drag me away.

Speaker 2 Timeout chamber. What's the timeout? It's like a hyperbaric chamber.
It's like a demiplane. There's demiplane champagne.

Speaker 2 You tell me there's a plane called the timeout chamber where time moves differently.

Speaker 2 What's gravity like in this timeout chamber? This hyperbaric chamber, this training chamber. I don't know if time moves differently there.

Speaker 2 I just know it's a demiplane on the other side of the paperworks ocean where a lot of whenever somebody needs timeout because they're dead or because they've done something wrong and they need to think about it, that's generally what it's

Speaker 2 purgatory. I remember learning about that when I played that video game about the levels of hell and heaven.
They made the sequel called Dante's Purgatory. I think.

Speaker 2 man it's just it's just it's been so long since I've seen you grandma I'm just I'm just so emotional I don't know what's going on I only can't you guys just go grab another person just go grab another piece of paper

Speaker 2 we could just do this again is there anyone in this room lady she turns and she goes there's a lot of people in this room and we need the paper excuse me is anyone here named Willie Stampler okay I guess not All the Willie Stamplers were killed.

Speaker 2 Yes, he went king here.

Speaker 2 No, it's going to be impossible because then we got to go all the way back to the ocean. We got to find another piece of paper.
Then we've got to go do this whole thing again.

Speaker 2 Also, where are your friends? Where's Link? Where's Scary? That's a good idea. Where are they? I don't know where Link is.
I don't know where Scary is.

Speaker 2 All I know is this update me, you, and my Apolita to save the world right now. So you better forgive her.
I'm just saying, there might be one more of your clan that we can invoke here.

Speaker 2 Do you have a phone? Do you have a phone? Does this sound? Taylor gropes for like a phone in this orgy room. Is there a phone in here? No, no, no, no, no.
Do not start reaching around. Do not start.

Speaker 2 Here, I want a phone. Mercedes reaches into her coat pocket, brings out a phone, and hands it to you.
Slow down, lady. You just said you wanted a phone, and then you got a phone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm in a heaven. So if I'm in a personal heaven, you sort of get whatever you want.

Speaker 2 Pause, everyone, real quick. Player huddle, really quick.
Okay, what?

Speaker 2 Guys.

Speaker 2 Like, what do we want? We're in heaven, and we get whatever we want.

Speaker 2 Just get a Willie Stampler. I did specifically say, while you're in a personal heaven, yeah, yeah, we are.
Oh, like, so once you leave that heaven, like, it disappears. Uh-huh.
Oh.

Speaker 2 But wait a second. If we could get Willie into one of these heavens, isn't Willie in his own personal heaven right now, though, if you think about it? No, he came out of it.

Speaker 2 No, he's in real out of it. Interesting.
Many layers of metacognition here. Yes, I'd like to dial an outside line.
Okay, here we go. Press nine.
Nine. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then I dial Hero Oaks

Speaker 2 by memory.

Speaker 2 Taylor's memorized it.

Speaker 2 So she can tell even before, just from the sound of your inward breath on the other end of the phone, she can tell she'd go, oh, Taylor, what is it what's her caller ID say hey real quick what's your caller ID say just curious oh it says heaven

Speaker 2 wow

Speaker 2 looks like my reputation

Speaker 2 this is the worst riz I've ever seen looks like my reputation proceeds me hero what are you at to today what are you doing

Speaker 2 I was gonna go to a track meet track meet? Yeah, I have a track meet today. Were you competing or something?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I'm not gonna just go to Loader Water. What are you doing? Hold Jiro!

Speaker 2 Let me fucking cook, bitch.

Speaker 2 Just me and the guys are just hanging out. I just wonder if you wanted to hang out.
I don't know. Save the world or anything like that.
Save the world. No, I don't feel like doing that.

Speaker 2 The two things I don't like doing, as I've established, is hanging out with you and saving the world. So, no, I think I'm pretty good going to my track meet.

Speaker 2 Who y'all playing against?

Speaker 2 Chaparral. Oh, the big one.

Speaker 2 Taylor Astro, like, isn't the world all fucked up down there? With their angels running around? What's going on? What are we doing? Track meets when all the world's all crazy and jacked up down there?

Speaker 2 I mean, there was like things flying through the sky, and like they took some people, and then, but now they're gone. It seems like this beard named Williams Dambler.
Yeah, so yeah.

Speaker 2 Taylor, like, what are you, what, what are you doing? Trying to recruit your cool stuff. Hero, come and help us.
It's normal. We're stuck in heaven.
We need your help. Everything's going bad up here.

Speaker 2 I get rope persuasion. Why didn't I get a single persuasion?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Who can say?

Speaker 2 That is a 24. Jesus.
Is there something specific you say that makes her go like, oh, this is for real shit? You said if I needed help, you'd come. And I need help.
We need help.

Speaker 2 This is the big Willie Stampler's in charge of heaven. I'm up here with grandma.
We're all on our own. I'm scared.
And

Speaker 2 I could use a hand too.

Speaker 2 Hero, look, like, this is the moment, okay? I know that you've had this whole destiny that you wanted to shirk off, but like, if there's ever a chosen one moment, this is it. And I know I'm not it.

Speaker 2 I'm the whole stupid reason. We're in this freaking mess.
I'm the whole reason he's up here. So it's got to be you, right? Like, you're the chosen one.
And please, I need your help.

Speaker 2 I can't do this on my own. We can't do this without without you.
And also, I just want to know, I could also be the chosen one, too. And you may be a compatriot, a chosen compatriot.

Speaker 2 But we're not. Shut up, shut, shut, shut, shut, shit, shut, shit, shut, shut, shut, shut, shit, shut, shut, shut, shut, shit, shut, shit, shit.
So Hero goes, you know what? I think you got a point.

Speaker 2 I've been promised, and it's time to come and collect. It's time for the chickens to come home in the roost.
It's time for Hero to go hero time. It's time for.

Speaker 2 And then you hear Smash on the other end of the phone, and she's, oh, shit. And you hear the wet flapping of eyelids going faster and faster and faster.
And she goes, they're coming.

Speaker 2 Shit, they're coming.

Speaker 2 Normal.

Speaker 4 Normal.

Speaker 2 It's on you now. Normal.

Speaker 4 Shit. Shit.
I'm so sorry, Normal. It's got to be you.

Speaker 2 Wow, wild angels.

Speaker 2 Normal,

Speaker 2 I have some things to say to the hero. Can I get the phone back?

Speaker 2 I shove the phone into your chest. Anyway,

Speaker 2 whatever that was all about. But anyway, if you want to come back.

Speaker 2 The call you answered.

Speaker 2 I can't even remember what those things say anymore. It's been so long.

Speaker 2 That was like an AI reimagining of that from like the depths of your subconscious. Yeah.
That's weird. Okay, well, that's one option gone because I inspired her to self-actualize, I guess.

Speaker 2 And then that, you know, kind of proved that she was a threat to Willie, I guess, must be what happened there. All right.
Okay. Well, she's coming though, right?

Speaker 2 First things first, Mercedes says, why don't we take a deep breath?

Speaker 2 What do we have in terms of allies? What friends do we have up here that we can maybe combine forces with? Because the three of us, I mean, I... Do I get to exhale my breath yet? Sorry, exhale.

Speaker 2 Yes, exhale, please. So, right now.
I breathe in my own terms, lady. Anyway, continue.
Okay, so right now it's me and Taylor, and Link is somewhere, and Scary's somewhere.

Speaker 2 And I guess Hero's on her way to heaven if we can figure out which angel is taking her. Excellent.
Excellent. The secondary plan is working so far.
So good.

Speaker 2 Do we want to take this opportunity to maybe cut to Larry and Willie?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you cut to Larry and Willie. You hear the sounds of outrageous laughter.

Speaker 2 You can has cheeseburger, my dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Dude, check out this one.

Speaker 2 It's so good.

Speaker 3 It says, think twice, and it's a picture of a cat. It's a picture of a cat, and it says, bro, I didn't even think once.

Speaker 2 That's pretty fucking good. Oh, shit.
That's good. Is this what I've been missing? Oh, man.
Oh, man.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there are many scientific principles that you've been missing out on by not going to ICANHasCheeseburger.com.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. And in heaven, heaven it's still active.

Speaker 2 Oh, I hate the brain. They have all the websites.
I hate the brain, Danthy. It's still active.
Is it still really tuned, baby?

Speaker 2 Well, in heaven, they also have pets.com and all the other fun websites from my YouTube channel.

Speaker 3 They named this cat after the Pringles guy because it's got a little mustache. She's still up for adoption.
I would never adopt that cat.

Speaker 2 So as you two are looking at cool dang memes on iconhascheesburger.com, an angel floats up to Willie and blinks once and he goes, oh, you did. You got her.
Great. And he blinks again.

Speaker 2 He goes, so that's, so it's basically everybody, everybody that could possibly fuck with me is now dealt with.

Speaker 2 Well, that's boring. Now I'm bored.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm so sorry you're bored, man. Let me try to pull up another meme.

Speaker 3 Or we could talk scientific principles.

Speaker 3 Let's see. Some examples include the laws of thermodynamics,

Speaker 3 the theory of evolution, obviously.

Speaker 2 Larry, for the last time, I don't want to hear about the laws of thermodynamics. I appreciate it.
Oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 I love, I love that you're around with me.

Speaker 2 I love that you're by my side, and that you really, you really get me in a way that I don't think a lot of people do, but you got a fucking can it on the science stuff.

Speaker 2 It's not cool, nobody gives a shit about science. Yeah,

Speaker 3 cool, yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so actually, here's a thought: yeah, what's the law of thermodynamics says energy can't be created or destroyed, right?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 So, what if you really get it, man? Yeah, no, I'm fucking smart as shit. So what if, and I'm just spitballing here, what if we could break that rule?

Speaker 2 What if we just started destroying stuff just to sort of see what would happen? That could be fun.

Speaker 2 You ever like stomps ants when you were a kid or like, you know, with a magnifying glass, like set ants on fire or just stomp a roach and see the that it makes when it, when you step on it?

Speaker 3 So you're talking about like killing small animals as a child?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like, I mean, everybody, it's like a thing.
It's a, it's a phase you go through.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. yeah yeah i mean a phase more like a lifestyle

Speaker 3 yeah okay sure yeah i mean yeah i still squash bugs and yeah yeah um so it'd be cool if we had like a giant ice cube that we could destroy or something that'd be so gnarly my man well i'm thinking like

Speaker 2 earth like the realm that we all came from like because it's it's just a bunch of assholes like everybody there sucks everybody's just so

Speaker 2 so fucking stupid and so hypocritical and so selfish and just mean and shit. And like, what if we, um,

Speaker 2 what if we just like ended that?

Speaker 2 Because I'm also getting a lot of like, and then another angel comes up holding a bunch of paperwork in its eyelashes and he goes, and they keep fucking bugging me by letting people in heaven and like people keep dying coming to heaven.

Speaker 2 And that just seems like a fucking pain in the ass. So like, what if no more people come to heaven because no more people?

Speaker 2 You know what? I think you convinced me with the thermodynamics thing. I think that's a good idea.

Speaker 2 You're a really smart kid, Larry.

Speaker 3 I am.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 With that in mind, angels, I guess,

Speaker 2 just

Speaker 2 go nuts.

Speaker 2 Get rowdy?

Speaker 3 Well, I think we should start with the theorem of arms icy.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 2 What's arms icy?

Speaker 3 I'm scary as an anagram, bitch.

Speaker 2 Hold up.

Speaker 3 Circle of death.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Bombus. It's that time of the year.
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Speaker 3 A sphere of negative energy ripples out in a 60-foot sphere within range. Each creature in that area must take a constitution saving throw.
A target takes 8d6 necrotic damage on a failed save.

Speaker 3 Constitution of 15.

Speaker 2 15? Yeah. Dudes within that circle, too.

Speaker 3 Fuck me. And I'm alone.
Why did I do this?

Speaker 2 You got a natural one.

Speaker 2 Yes. What about dudes? So dude is going to get a nine.
So both of them fail.

Speaker 2 What about scale week? Well, scary's not in the sphere, presumably. Unless you put it on yourself, too.
That would be wild.

Speaker 3 I don't think I do. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I'm aiming for the angels as well.

Speaker 3 So maybe I do have to be in it.

Speaker 2 Let's say that you're surrounded by eight angels, and that Willie is next to three of them. So if they fail, they will just get blipped out of existence by the circle of death.
So that's a fail.

Speaker 2 It's another fail, and the succeed. Now there's six angels remaining nearby.

Speaker 3 Because I'm casting this at the seventh level, the damage increases by 2d6 for each slot level above the sixth.

Speaker 2 So how many d6s is that altogether?

Speaker 3 10d6.

Speaker 2 So 38. So the circle of death envelops Willie and he screams out in pain, the first time you've ever heard him express any sort of pain.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, the same thing happens to the doodler and the dude does sound pretty in not a good way. Roll separately for the doodler.

Speaker 3 Fuck 41.

Speaker 3 Why do I do this? I'm such a silly girl.

Speaker 2 So the doodler doubles over in pain, touching their chest, and Willie does the same. And he looks at you with clear eyes for the first time, seeing not Larry the Science kid, but Scary Marlowe.

Speaker 2 No affiliation to science whatsoever.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't even know extra shit about science.

Speaker 3 The only chemical I know is my chemical romance. That's a joke by Will Campbell.

Speaker 2 So he looks at you, and after a brief flicker of the most rage you've ever seen on a human face, he starts smiling and he goes like, you got me.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 you got me.

Speaker 3 I got you. I could have cheeseburger, my man.
Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right, so let's roll initiative real quick.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 What did you think was going to happen? I don't know. I just didn't.
Oh, no. I go to natural 20.
That's good.

Speaker 3 That means I have to decide what to do.

Speaker 2 Can you run?

Speaker 2 Is there running in DD like in other RPGs? Can you run from a fight? Yeah, you can dash. Disengage and run away.
How do you do that?

Speaker 3 I've also used up all my spell slots.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so run. Yeah, okay.
Well, we we don't know. He might roll higher than a 20.
No, he did not. You got a six.
So you get to go first. I'm gonna bail.

Speaker 3 What are my options for escaping this hell heaven we're in?

Speaker 2 So you can disengage as an action, which allows you to not get opportunity attacks as you run away, but it means you only get to move your normal running speed.

Speaker 2 Or you can dash as an action, which means you get to run double your running speed, but you do take an opportunity attack.

Speaker 3 I'm going to dash.

Speaker 2 Okay. So he's going to try to attack you as you bounce.
Oh, dude, he had fucking kite him to us. Yeah, this is great.
Exactly. Run into Mercedes.
Okay, so he's going to

Speaker 2 try to cantrip you with a firebolt.

Speaker 3 My own spell against me.

Speaker 2 So it's a 28 to hit.

Speaker 2 And it's going to do 4d10 damage to you. Okay.
So it's going to be nine damage to you. Oh, shitty roll.
Yeah, pretty shitty roll. He throws a firebolt at you and he goes, Scary!

Speaker 2 And it kind of just singes your shoulder as you run, but it doesn't stop your gait at all. And you manage to run with some speed.

Speaker 2 You had like some cheap, shitty jeans, but now they're all like scuffed up and burned. And it look like designer jeans that are purposely scuffed up and burned.
Nice. Pretty cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Burned jeans now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dog. I don't.
That's cool.

Speaker 3 Man, I got such a deal on these burned jeans.

Speaker 2 So that's the new thing. So what direction are you?

Speaker 2 What direction are you running? Are you running towards the personal heavens or are you running towards the ocean of paperwork?

Speaker 3 The personal heavens.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's where they are. Okay.
But you wouldn't know that, but it's okay. I know.
That's okay. Yeah.
Okay. So Willie is going to take his turn.
Just in theory, more places to hide there. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 3 So Willie. Not that I would ever hide, but just in case.

Speaker 2 I would only run away. So Willie is going to take his turn at the same time as the angels, and he's going to say, get after her, get hurt, please.
Please. Please.
Oh, no. What is you really scared?

Speaker 2 What did you do to me? So the angels are going to descend on you, and they are going to spend their turns dashing to you, but they're not fast enough to catch you.

Speaker 2 You ran like 60 feet and then they ran 60 feet and they're right behind you, but they don't have an action anymore to do anything.

Speaker 3 That's right. I spent my teenage years going to an X-rated sonic drive-through, so I'm really fast.
I gotta go fast.

Speaker 2 Willie goes, dude, stop her. And dude goes,

Speaker 2 it hurts. It hurts real bad.
And Willie's like, for fuck's sake, stop. Somebody, get, somebody stop her.
And he points at his angels and he sends them after you.

Speaker 2 And so they dash towards you and they're right on your tail, all six of them. But they are not close enough to do anything.

Speaker 2 Scary running in heaven with like six angels behind her is a pretty cool album cover for our next album.

Speaker 2 Wild angels. Yeah, it'd be called Wild Angels.
Couldn't drag me away.

Speaker 2 He's going to cast Wall of Fire. Uh-oh.
Fucking Warlock on Warlock over here. Warlock on Warlock action.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So he makes the wall 60 feet long, 20 feet high, and it's 120 feet away from him, and you ran 60 feet. Does feel like a Jezebel situation? Anthony should have to

Speaker 2 play America's favorite national pastime.

Speaker 3 No, because he'll be good at it.

Speaker 2 Oh, it took me to Jezebel. Oh, sad.
It's not there anymore. Now you just have to learn something, Anthony.
Arcade. All right.
All right. You should get enough to be there's six angels and a scary.

Speaker 2 That's at least seven balls. That's seven.
You gotta get to seven. You want me to get seven levels in? Yeah.
I thought you were a gamer, Anthony. I thought you wrote Borderlands.

Speaker 2 I want you to go to hell with me. Anthony, I played enough games to know that you could probably do this.
That's level one completely. Wow, Anthony is already.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Oh, that's not good at all.
Wait, did you guys jump to level 100? No, No, I got to level two and then immediately lost two lives. Uh-oh.
I knew, yes. I'm against Anthony.
Ooh, that's not good.

Speaker 2 Narrate, Will, give us the play-by-play, dude. Give us the shout cast.
He's on level two. All right, so Anthony seems to be closing his way through the jazz ball match.
Let's see what he's got.

Speaker 2 He's into a tight corner now. There's a lot of cross-play between the balls.

Speaker 4 This reminds me of the Johnson Kaprisky game of 1997. He, of course, was a 12-year-old boy who was very good at jezball.

Speaker 4 Hey, Will, quick question from the classic isolation strategy. Anthony's got one horizontal ball going.
We're up to four balls now. Yeah, Freddy, go ahead.

Speaker 5 Quick question here from the field here. Is Anthony utilizing a split binary approach, or is he doing a one-up?

Speaker 4 He started out with what we call the herdsman approach, where you try to corral all the balls into one square, but now he's split out and he's moving on to level three.

Speaker 2 Where's he down to head? A full five balls are up in the field. This is where the balls really do start to get a lot of crosstalk with each other, where we see balls bouncing off of each other.

Speaker 4 It makes the lines a lot harder to predict. Oh, and he's down.

Speaker 4 He's just lost one. He's working himself into a tough corner right now.
We've got four balls bouncing in one area. Increasingly small, risky play for Mr.
Birch, but what can we say?

Speaker 4 And he's down to four lives. This could be it, folks.
Anthony is not doing good. He's in a complicated situation.

Speaker 4 The arrangement of the grid has made a lot of unpredictable bouncing in here in this last corner, and my constant droning in his ear can't be helping that much.

Speaker 5 Now, Will, this version of Jezbel does appear to have ball-to-ball physics. Is that affecting his gameplay That seems to be, but you know what?

Speaker 4 He's made it to level five. He's got seven lives.
I think he could go all the way here. How many balls are in level five? Oh, and he's getting closing in.
He's closing an area cleared 46%.

Speaker 4 Level five does indeed have seven balls. This is it.
This is it. If he can pull this off, then we can move on with the podcast.

Speaker 2 Now I'm just legitimately interested to see if Anthony can do this. This is white, sweaty palms, sweaty palms.

Speaker 2 Imagine ESPN announcing tricky for Anthony right now.

Speaker 2 ESPN now. They're like, yo, I'm just legit.

Speaker 2 He did it. God, sorry.
And he's just too good at video games. Anthony, tell the truth here.
When you watched Nick Arcade. You rock hard during that.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, that's the only thing I ever wanted to do is be on Facebook. Can you imagine being like, I could fucking kill.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Every single time you watched Nick Arcade and like the kids just couldn't understand their relationship of space versus them and the green screen, you're like, I could do this better.

Speaker 2 Every single kid who watches that is like, these kids are buffoons. I would kill this.
I would annihilate it. I didn't.

Speaker 2 i bet you could though all right so unfortunately because i rule a jezball willie does indeed create a wall of fire in front of you that is 60 feet long 20 feet high and one foot thick so we never talked about this but you could hypothetically just run through yeah i was about to say how much damage does it do does 10 d8 damage okay how much health do you have meth 62.

Speaker 2 okay so it could kill you it's very unlikely though i'm gonna walk through the fire as buffy said i mean run run run oh run through the fire

Speaker 3 that's not what buffy said though no buffy doesn't just ran She should have ran.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Siri says, Buffy the Vampire Slayer should have ran through the fire.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 All right. You take 37 damage.
Woo!

Speaker 2 The fire burns away at your skin and your flesh, and you begin to smell something that smells unfortunately kind of good, and you realize it's your own skin.

Speaker 2 Your pants just increase $200 and it's perceived value.

Speaker 2 School hip burns.

Speaker 3 You're definitely going to hit Poshmark when this is all over.

Speaker 2 All right. The angels are not going to follow you.
She was a liar, liar.

Speaker 2 And now now her pants are on fire. Her pants are on fire.
Self-fulfilling prophecy. That's what that means.
Makes you think.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. One of the angels just incinerates in the fire.
Ooh. Another angel incinerates in the fire.
There's only four left.

Speaker 2 Asteroid space chase and like the fucking high fighters are exploding. The third one's going to go, shoot, it's going to scream.
So it'll hold like a loony tune and then try to go over the wall.

Speaker 2 Like the A-wing quake is the one. Yes, exactly.
That's our tune.

Speaker 2 Those guys dive out of the way. No, they turn around for the shield.
The It doesn't fly forward, fall it, fire about. It doesn't fight forward, firebow.

Speaker 2 You basically take down all but three of... You don't take it down.
Situationally, three of them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the fuck I did. I fucking took them down.
They couldn't make it through the fire like I could.

Speaker 2 So only three of the angels managed to survive and they are pursuing you, but now Willie has stupidly cut himself off from you, so he can't pursue you either.

Speaker 2 He throws his hat off on the ground and jumps on it.

Speaker 2 And couldn't he just run through the fire too? He could dismiss the spell. If he wasn't a coward, he's definitely a big coward.

Speaker 2 He could dismiss the spell that's true you know he just does a cool bad guy thing where he's like whatever he goes what did i care i'm not gonna chase her i'm gonna destroy earth so he just goes find her and the audio of him just saying that echoes and then you follow the echo to cut back to normal and should have been more specific my dude there are a lot of women in heaven

Speaker 2 should we go to link now he's in a hole link's in a hole do we not see

Speaker 2 i want to check in on link and all right link what's your hole look like i mean you tell me i don't choose the prisoners i can choose a cell so it's a yeah it's a it's a six by six by six cell oh so he has to hunch over because he's so tall i'm so tall oh no i'm not hunchover i'm doing like uh no there's a diagonal he could be in i've been sewing

Speaker 2 like the hypotenuse yeah yeah there's a there's a vector in there where you're good dog i've tried to sew a soccer ball based off of like scraps of my own clothes and what shoes and stuff have you been in there it feels like a long time for me and i'm kicking the ball kind of like you know like in the greatscape when he's throwing the baseball through a rogue door to my right yeah

Speaker 2 through the um tiny keyhole at the front of the demiplane demiplane door, you can see the body of notes. So I don't look through the hole.
I never mind sitting there kicking my ball.

Speaker 2 Wait, what do I see?

Speaker 2 If you wanted to look, you would see somebody that you don't recognize, but who is Vincent Spellfeather, in fact, his corpse getting pulled along and getting dragged into its own demiplane as well.

Speaker 2 Wow. Eyes go up, another dead one.
And I kick, and I kick the ball, and I'm just kicking the ball. I'm just kicking the ball.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, I'm just like, I love my parents, I love my spouses, but love's not real, so I feel nothing.

Speaker 2 And I kick the ball again. That's it.
So you hear a knocking on the demi-plane wall next to you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's Daryl Wilson on the other side. It's who? It's Daryl Wilson on the other side knocking.

Speaker 2 Hey, who's knocking?

Speaker 4 Hey, it's Daryl, dude. Who's that? Is that Link?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm here.

Speaker 2 I'm assuming you're next to me, Grandpa? Yeah, what's going on? Just mostly just singing to myself.

Speaker 2 Wow, love's not real.

Speaker 2 i made a soccer ball wait

Speaker 2 wait what you made a soccer ball

Speaker 2 i've been in here for like years i've made a finger puppet of carol once i just like talked to her for a bit but you made a sock how did you make a soccer ball well just like i started kind of stripping my clothes into like thin strips made kind of like the fluffy part with my socks started like sewing it looks more like a volleyball than a soccer ball, but it still works pretty good.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. If you're in here, you can make me a football, huh? I don't know if I can make a football.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 buddy, I'm glad if I'm going to be in here for eternity. At least I'm next to you.
So Daryl would have seen that every time somebody dies or gets put into time. They're just talking.

Speaker 2 And these are people who are stationed.

Speaker 2 Never mind. What does Daryl know? Please help me.

Speaker 2 Daryl knows that anytime somebody dies or gets hurt or gets put into timeout, this is where they come it's an area on the other side of the uh the ocean of paperwork and so you know so this is the timeout room this is the you're in the timeout zone we all have our own rooms you all have your own rooms in the timeout zone correct but there is a keyhole in a lock unfortunately there's no way for us to know any of this right but at least you know hey bud if it makes hey don't give up yet if it makes you feel any better and when people die they also come here well i don't Don't really know how that information is supposed to help.

Speaker 2 You're just telling me that sometimes more people show up here. Look, man, that is all the information I got.
I'm just like...

Speaker 2 you also see that the angels are the ones who hold the keys to get people in and out of their little distance. Yeah, just calm down for a second.
You're such a bummer.

Speaker 2 Like, give me a moment to give you all the information, okay?

Speaker 2 The angels,

Speaker 2 the angels also have, like, they bring the keys and stuff. I'm just saying, like, we got to be on the lookout.
Like, I get that you made a soccer ball. That's really honestly, I'm jealous.

Speaker 2 I got nothing to do here, but like, we should be on the lookout. There's a keyhole in our door.
Let's not give up, buddy. Like, we gotta, we got a whole world to save.

Speaker 2 Like, we gotta make your your dad's proud and my kid proud. You know, we gotta, we gotta do this.
Just hang in there, all right? Like, like, let's, you know, let's not give up.

Speaker 2 Like, let's just keep talking and let's really get a game plan. Keep, keep your eyes open.
Like, do you even look through that keyhole? Well, no, I was just playing soccer and then I saw a dead body.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, look, why did I look through there in the first place? I was going to keep playing soccer. Oh, but okay, well,

Speaker 2 God,

Speaker 2 you gave up a lot. Well, yeah, oh, gave up a lot.
Where are you mad at me? I was just like, I'm some kid.

Speaker 2 I did pretty good.

Speaker 2 Got to heaven, try to fight god that's pretty good and now i lost so i'm here like what do you want from me doing my best look if the door opens up and there's a way to help i'll help oh buddy jesus okay look look eyes on the prize right like this is soccer game don't say it's a soccer game to get me excited about doing this

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 look

Speaker 2 look just keep your eye on the ball and we'll and then look through the keyholes your friends are going to come help us i just don't want to just don't give up fine i won't give up okay fine Okay.

Speaker 2 Stop. Just let me play.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You want me to like keep score? Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, every time you hear a bounce, count for me.
All right. And then Link starts kicking.
You hear Daryl go one, two, and that's it. Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey, Daryl. Is that Daryl over there? Damn it.
Oh, my God. Yep, that's Bun.
It's still, yeah, I've been here. It's still Daryl.
How's it going, Bun? You still not talking to me? No, no,

Speaker 2 I mean, hey, do you know that? Like, Links, Link's in the other room. Hey, Link!

Speaker 2 Do you want me to telephone over to you? Oh,

Speaker 2 hey, Link! What, Daryl? That's not me.

Speaker 2 Glenn's on the other side. I mean, he wants to say hi.
So he said hi. What does he say? Just wait.

Speaker 2 Hey, Link, buddy. Do you want to say anything?

Speaker 2 No, I don't

Speaker 2 know him at all.

Speaker 2 Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Tell him,

Speaker 2 I guess. Did he lose count?

Speaker 2 How made that kick?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, he's Link said hi, Glenn. Oh, great, great.
Can we recruit him into my plan to get out of here? Oh, yeah, that sounds great. Remind me of the plan again, bud.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very simple, you see. We all pretend that we're sick.
And then the angels, when they come to us out, we bop them in the snoot. Then we get out after they come to us out.

Speaker 2 But all of us either pretend like we're sick. But I don't know why I'm the only one sitting here.
And you never joined me in on this. So, like, I just feel like you're not in on the plan.

Speaker 2 And, you know, you're not really coming up with any good ones on your own. No, that's fair.
Okay. Hey, but no, I did think that maybe the angels didn't care if we were sick.

Speaker 2 Because I've been here before. I've been in prison before.
Did you get out that way? Did they care?

Speaker 2 I broke out. Okay.
Should we try? Yes.

Speaker 2 What do you like? How sick do we have to pretend? Pretty bad because it's angels. Otherwise, they're not going to come open the fucking door.
People get sick in heaven. That's the thing.

Speaker 2 Don't people get sick when they get to heaven?

Speaker 2 I'm just saying that the angels are going to check it out. We got to do that distraction and maybe the angels open the door for us.
All right. Okay.
Well, I'll start. You tell Link.
You follow.

Speaker 2 Oh, you tell Link. You're the one who can.
What? That better be a number I hear next.

Speaker 2 32.

Speaker 2 33. He just paused for a second.
Yeah. Okay, what? Hey, so, Glenn, yeah? Okay, so Glenn.
That's me. He can't hear you, Glenn.
So, Glenn,

Speaker 2 he's got to... No, you can't hear me.

Speaker 2 He thinks that if we pretend to be sick, maybe the angels

Speaker 2 will open the door up. Daryl, tell him to say blasphemous shit, too.
And say just really bad stuff about like... blasphemous blasphemous stuff

Speaker 2 really do we

Speaker 2 say blasphemous stuff about god and you know

Speaker 2 christ and and that stuff just and then be sick i guess you need to do both those things um

Speaker 2 how about i just listen to you guys do it and if it works i'll

Speaker 2 i'll join in

Speaker 2 Hey, is he in? Daryl, is he in? Yeah, he's in. Glad, just you start and I'll go.

Speaker 2 He's the topper, man.

Speaker 2 He's gonna give it his all. He's a young gun.
He'll do his best.

Speaker 2 Okay, weird, weird way to refer to. Okay, all right, here we go.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 Ah, Jesus fucking Christ, man. I feel so sick.
Oh, my butt feels worse than God does, and I hate God.

Speaker 2 Everything's coming out. Both of you rolled his eyes with disadvantage.
All three of them, I believe. Oh, no, it's just the two of you right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Link's not going to do until he finds out that it works. All right, so hold on.
Actually, I need to change to my other character. Disadvantage? Yeah, because they can't see you.

Speaker 2 And also, the sick prisoner routine is the oldest trick in the book. I got natural one.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 You shit yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Glenn. Don't worry, Daryl.
I have a shitload of this.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Well, here's the thing.
Here's my argument, which is that you know you rolled past 17 plus 17, 34.

Speaker 2 With disadvantage, with disadvantage, but then the next one was 18 plus 17, 25. Yeah, plus 17.
Glenn's a fucking little fucker, dude. Oh, wait a second.
Wait a second. Wait a second.

Speaker 2 I was fucking rolling for Link. No, no, Link.
Roll for Daryl. Where's Daryl's deception?

Speaker 2 Also, Daryl has minus one deception. He's such a one-year-old.
He can't lie.

Speaker 2 Next to them, you hear, oh, gosh, I hope they're okay.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I gotta continue my new song.

Speaker 2 Wild Rye!

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 You hear Henry playing a harmonica somehow. Like, yeah, it's getting better and better, Ron.
Really goes to show how art can help in adversity, you know?

Speaker 2 Because I don't know if we're ever getting out of here. It sounds like someone's really sick up there.
Unfortunately, we're too far away from who it is.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 So, Glenn, you see through the keyhole, one of the angels float near you and gaze into the keyhole at you.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ was an antichrist.

Speaker 2 Right? Satan is the true, real God. Roll intimidation.
Billy Sampler's God now. I don't think this angel cares.
Natural one plus 17. No, no, natural one? Yeah.
Plus 17. Oh, what a tragedy.

Speaker 2 The only situation in which you would not have been able to succeed, pretty much, happened. Where does that leave us now? Open the door.
No.

Speaker 2 Do it. No.

Speaker 2 The angel floats away ignoring.

Speaker 2 Once again,

Speaker 2 because I feel like this is the 50th time you've probably tried to do this.

Speaker 2 It didn't work again. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I know. You keep getting bad that I don't do it, but like we've done it a lot.
I'm just saying that if I could use a little teamwork, how did Link do? He did as well as you did, bud. Oh.

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Speaker 2 back to the astronomers.

Speaker 2 Back to Normal and Taylor. Okay.
You see Scary running through a fucking wall of fire towards you. Holy shit.
Oh, Scott Larry, the science kid.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. It's me, Scary.
Scary, get in here quick. Okay, what's going on?

Speaker 2 Hide in here with us. Close your eyes and plug your ears.
Okay. And your nose.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, Mercedes, Mercedes. Like, can you guys stop for a second? And then the orgy stops.
She goes, you can talk to each other. Everyone, get a little water.
Everyone take a quick breather.

Speaker 2 They all flip the tables over, and it's like they're sitting in a library now because, like, a speakeasy.

Speaker 2 Oh, the feds are here. We better stop looking.
They just start playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, they go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 2 Scary. Oh, my God.
You're okay.

Speaker 3 Well, okay is kind of a relative term.

Speaker 2 I cast third-level cure wounds. Believe him.
All right, you get 23 health points back. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Health points. Health.
Wow. All right.
Good. Good.
Good. Wow.
So what's going on? Okay.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I just like tried to fight Willie, I guess.

Speaker 3 But I was I was like solo! I just kind of rushed into it. He said something that really pissed me off.
Okay. He's gonna try to, you know, end the world.

Speaker 2 Okay, that sounds bad.

Speaker 3 But I know he has a weakness, sort of.

Speaker 2 I got him to. I don't know the weakness.

Speaker 3 No, I mean, I got him to write in this journal, and he said that he's really scared of being submerged in water.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 He can use that.

Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah, if there's a way to get him maybe into the ocean of paper that I don't know about, so why would I?

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, we were there. You saw it on the way.
Yeah, you saw it's water, though, right? Yeah, it's not water, though.

Speaker 3 Well, that's not a problem. I could cast a spell and make it look like water.

Speaker 2 So, wait, you're saying Willie's chasing you right now. Willie's on the hunt for you right now.

Speaker 3 He's behind his own wall, fire like a chump.

Speaker 2 Okay, we can use that.

Speaker 3 Did you see me coming through the wall? It was pretty cool.

Speaker 2 You look cool. It looks pretty cool.

Speaker 2 You look great. I'm just so happy you were alive.
I'm sorry I didn't compliment you.

Speaker 3 Jean's totally going to go on Poshmari after that.

Speaker 2 Excellent. Excellent.
I love it. Oh, this is my grandma, by the way.
Hi. Hi.
How are you? I'm Mercedes. You are.

Speaker 3 I'm scared.

Speaker 3 I'm scary.

Speaker 2 It's really nice to meet you, Scary. So real quick question here.
We know we have a weakness now. Do we have anything other than this weakness and a guy? What's going on with dude? Yeah, dude, game!

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 3 I might have. I definitely...
I hurt dude.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 So dude's probably pretty pissed.

Speaker 2 Are they mad at you?

Speaker 3 Well, I don't really care if they're mad at me. Wow, that's actually the first time I've cared if somebody's not mad at me.

Speaker 2 I'm glad for the growth, but it does seem like that's maybe a problem. Yeah.
But dude is still under Willie's control, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we're still, look, the whole point, the whole reason we're up here.

Speaker 3 How have you guys been doing?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Like, I mean, with the plan. Oh, oh,

Speaker 2 oh, oh, oh, Escobar pose again in the corner, just staring out the window quietly.

Speaker 2 There have been some setbacks. There have been some hiccups, but I think now that everyone's together, we can for sure come up with something really good.
So here's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 2 We'll deal with the Willie thing later. Let's think about dude.
Let's focus on dude. Okay.

Speaker 2 What do we, Anthony, do we ever learn what we actually need to do with the daddy magic juice to like send dude home?

Speaker 2 I don't think you did, but like, it will be like an arcana roll or something like that, something simple because you already have all the, everything you have. To go ahead and make that arcana roll.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. I got an 11.
We're in heaven, right?

Speaker 2 We just established that we can get whatever you want. We can pull anything we want out of a room.
I pull out a leaf and call Aaron O'Neal. What is it? Aaron, hey, it's what's up? It's normal.

Speaker 2 We got all the stuff. We got the daddy magic juice and we're trying to kind of fix this whole horrible Willie situation by sending dude to home.
So what do we do?

Speaker 4 Why isn't the line moving?

Speaker 2 Are you still in line outside? Of course I am. Oh, well, it's pretty bad.
The line isn't moving. Can you get us in? Can you tell the bowser to let us in? Do you have an invite?

Speaker 2 Look, Aaron, I just, Mrs. O'Neill, Miss O'Neill.
Is there Mr. O'Neill? There's Vince.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I never really caught what the deal was with the two of you. It's complicated.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, we can talk about that later. I'm sure you saw Heaven Go Dark, and you've been seeing all sorts of crazy angels and bad stuff happen.

Speaker 2 Things are really bad in here, and I think we can help out. It would help out a lot if we sent Dude home.
So what do we do now?

Speaker 4 Well, all they got to do is drink all that daddy magic you got, and then they got to think about going home real hard, and they got to be surrounded by people that they care about.

Speaker 2 Okay, that sounds easy enough. Uh, um, thanks, hey, thanks, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let me get a leaf. I hand you the leaf.

Speaker 2 Ms. O'Neill, Mrs.
O'Neill, is there a mister and mom? We just went over this. We just went over this.
I'm Vince. Ah, Vince, anyway.
Listen, things are pretty jacked up in heaven right now.

Speaker 2 What we could use is a diversion on multiple fronts. You're saying the line hasn't moved outside, right? Correct.
Can you and your trees perhaps incite a riot at the gates of heaven? Yes, we could.

Speaker 2 Say there's only 10 spots left. Tell everyone there's like straight up only 10 spots left in heaven.

Speaker 3 And only the baddest of the bad are getting in.

Speaker 2 It's like battle royale rules, but y'all gotta get in. That's not a bad idea, I guess.
Enact Operation Black Friday.

Speaker 2 Imagine that's a Walmart and it's Black Friday and all the deals are inside.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you this, my friend.

Speaker 4 What is in it for old Aaron O'Neal?

Speaker 2 You want to get to heaven or not? You gonna live forever, kid?

Speaker 2 No, I died because you took the sun. You killed me.
You killed me and all of my friends. Have you forgotten that? Don't you want revenge? Well, Kevin, get it, loser.

Speaker 2 Hang on the butter.

Speaker 2 Okay. Perhaps I was made to be an anime villain and not a hero.
Something for me to think about. So just to clarify the way the heaven works, can't you guys just say you want Link? Yeah, we can.

Speaker 3 Oh, you could?

Speaker 2 Okay, just wondering. It's funny, Matt, because it's weird.
We got anything.

Speaker 2 He thought about a leaf before he thought a whole linky point. I guess Link would leave once they left the room, but...
Yeah, Link would disappear once they left the room.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, wait, but hold on. Hold on.
Let's give Link a call. Hey, wait, wait.
We can get anything we want here. Let's put on a call.
Yes, you're right.

Speaker 2 I want a leaf that talks to my friend Link.

Speaker 2 Uh hello? Oh, hey, Norm. What? How

Speaker 2 where? What how are you sitting? How are you hearing me? What are you what? How can you talk to me? I'm talking on a leaf. We're in a party room.
How? How? It's heaven magic, dude.

Speaker 2 So, you like, how does that work though?

Speaker 2 It's like, what? You can get whatever you want.

Speaker 2 In your personal heaven,

Speaker 2 you could have gone me, but you just got a leaf instead.

Speaker 2 All right, I want Link to show up in the personal heaven room.

Speaker 2 Link's like mid-kick. You seem like he's like trying to kick something, but the ball's not there anymore because they didn't transport with him.
He just goes, Oh,

Speaker 2 god damn it.

Speaker 3 I wish Link's ball was here, too.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, what the fuck is that thing?

Speaker 2 Like, just it smells

Speaker 2 tears in his eyes when the ball goes back. like, oh, thanks, Carrie.
You really give me. That's nice.
Wait, I'm here? Yeah, just, I guess, just for that. How did you do that?

Speaker 2 You can't leave this room. Sorry, I was sarcastic to you.
I was like, I thought you were real.

Speaker 2 I thought you were just like, I was already, I thought I was already going through my demons, like, already thinking, you know, I thought I was going to be in there for like ever.

Speaker 2 So I was like, oh, here comes another version of norm. No, we're

Speaker 2 disappointing and talking to you about, but I guess you're real. So I'm here now.

Speaker 3 We're trying to make it so you live a nice, long life where you can contemplate your demons whenever you want. But right now, that's kind of at risk.

Speaker 2 Well, shoot, scary. Wait, who was there's another kid here, like Larry? Like, he was there when I was like,

Speaker 2 Larry.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, what are we doing? How do we get so?

Speaker 3 I have a confession, Link.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was Larry.

Speaker 2 Well, no, that can't be true because you're scary and I saw Larry. I know.
You don't know a lot about science. I'm like, you're good at a lot of things.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Something just came over me and I watched you as you got sent to prison and I didn't do anything about it because I thought that, you know, we have a bigger plan.
No, that's good.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, wow, scary.
That was really impressive. You You tricked me.
So, okay.

Speaker 2 Real quick, Normal is going to on the slide make a perception check on Link to see if this is a real link or this is some sort of link simulcrum. Simulacrum.
Simulacrum. Just Link still in the cell.

Speaker 2 This is just like, yeah, to make you feel happy and heaven. I got a 24.
Oh, 24. Oh, yeah.
No, this is the real link. Link, it really is you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I poke you.
Oh, ow. Okay.
Yeah. That's legit.
Okay, look. Number one, Willie is going to be easier to deal with if we can send dude home.
That's the whole reason we're here.

Speaker 2 We're trying to help dude. We're trying to help dude get out out of here.
And what does it take to send dude home?

Speaker 3 We have to. And how do we do that without sending Willie with them?

Speaker 2 Well, why don't we just wish for dude to be here? And then we can force feed dude all the stuff that we need to do. Because this is someone's heaven.
Who owns this heaven?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 The look on Anthony's face right now is very good.

Speaker 3 We can't force dude to do anything because they have the...

Speaker 2 I think I have an idea. I think I have a way we could do this.
It's a little crazy, but hear me out.

Speaker 2 Good idea, but if we do tell Doodler to be here, like if they ever go back to willie they'll have to tell willie where we were so i have a plan okay

Speaker 2 this is this is gonna be tough this is gonna be tough for me it's gonna be less tough for you link because you know i like him that much anyway but i don't like who i have a spell called planar ally by the way when you look up again link is just holding the world cup

Speaker 2 well don't make a big deal so tell me if this sounds kosher so i've done this spell before this is how we summon santa claus you besiege an otherworldly entity for aid the being must be known to you a god primordial, demon prince, or some other being of cosmic power.

Speaker 2 That entity sends a celestial, an elemental, or fiend loyal to it to aid you, making the creature appear in range. So, here's what I'm thinking, guys: a cosmically powerful otherworldly entity to me.

Speaker 2 That sounds like scam likely. And scam likely, the last time Link, you and I talked to him said that if we wanted, he could make a new version of Hermie the Unworthy.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And if there's anyone that could impersonate Willie so good

Speaker 2 that dude would think it was Willie and then would do what he wanted and drink the dining magic juice, it would be Hermie the Unworthy. I mean, yeah, he's a really good actor.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's dead, and it'd be cool if he wasn't dead. I mean, he's told me that this would be a new copy.
This wouldn't be our Hermie.

Speaker 3 Are you sure you're not just doing this because you feel like, you know, grief or guilty?

Speaker 2 60-50, scary.

Speaker 2 Wait, okay, well, I was all cool with it when it was like, yeah, it's 110%. I'm not sure.
But do you know? Wait, so it won't be Hermie? It won't be our Hermie, but it'll be a Herme. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Can we just get another actor then?

Speaker 2 Well, no, I like the idea, but not a word.

Speaker 2 Hermie was the greatest. She was the greatest actor of our generation.
Of our generation, of any generation.

Speaker 2 We need the best, which means we need Hermie, which means I'm going to have to go through a whole lot of the stages of grief real quickly. Okay.

Speaker 2 But, you know, we're just, we got to keep our heads down. We got to keep moving.
Yeah, I always say when it's somebody else's idea, like the details, it's on, it's theirs. So that's the saying.

Speaker 3 You do always say that, Lenny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do always say that. It's the coach, whoever's idea.
So, yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, we need a good actor with Hermes. I mean, wait, I didn't dislike Hermes.
I'm married to him.

Speaker 2 Like, I loved him. That's what matters.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's see. I get this for 10 minutes.
It's instantaneous. We should get Hermie here first and then have Dude show up.
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Or maybe Dude show up.

Speaker 2 I still don't know if we need Dude to show up. Dude, we'll do whatever Willie Stampler says.
So Hermie as Willie, just to, this is why everyone's on the same page. Yeah.
Hermie 2.0. Yeah.

Speaker 2 As Willie Stampler will tell dude to drink this magic potion and dude will go back to their home surrounded by everyone that they love, which is all of us. Now, does that count as the magic?

Speaker 3 That Willie doesn't follow. Huh? So wherever Dude goes, Willie's probably going to go.

Speaker 2 And does a disguise trick a magic spell?

Speaker 2 Like the spell says you have to do what Willie says. Like, so if some random person comes and says, my name's Willie Stampler and I've convinced you to be Willie Stampler.

Speaker 2 Well, you see, all you have to do is know.

Speaker 2 This guy was right. What's Hermie Stampler? Officially Willie Stampler.
Yes, we'll change Hermie 2.0. Well, here by me, no.
Ask. Okay, all right, I got it.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I cast planar ally.

Speaker 2 You might be in hell. You might be in heaven.
Scam Lugley's here to turn things up to 11.

Speaker 2 Scam.

Speaker 2 It's Normal Oak. Hi, do you remember me? I do.
Okay. And Link, remember? I met you too.

Speaker 2 You don't remember me? No, not ringing any bells. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Drawing a complete blank. Wait, you remember when Normal was there, right? Yes.
And was there somebody with Normal? Like a vague shape in my memory. Okay,

Speaker 2 you do remember me. Just a blur.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 Mr. Likely, is there a Mrs.
Likely?

Speaker 2 There's an everyone likely. Wow.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Everyone. Everyone in Goofer almost had a piece of the scam.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
So, Mr. Likely, the last time we talked, you seemed really broken up, as I was, about the death of your son, Hermie the Unworthy.

Speaker 2 But you also said that like you could make a new one if we needed one. Yeah, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Speaker 2 So I'm wondering if you could make and send us vis-a-vis the spell i've just cast planar ally a version of your son hermie the unworthy with all of the fabulous acting talent that he had but name him willie stampler oh

Speaker 2 it's a scam it's a scam

Speaker 2 but importantly we're on the same side of the scam yes yeah yes yeah all right you were one step ahead of me there but yeah and could he be trained on like like more old fashioned movies like just less Joker and

Speaker 2 Blink?

Speaker 2 He wouldn't beat Hermie the Unworthy if he didn't love the Joker. That's fine.

Speaker 2 Unless he wanted to come into

Speaker 2 change one hair on that boy's head other than his name.

Speaker 3 And can he have some cool

Speaker 3 action moves or like some powerful things to maybe?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like if there was like, let's say, a scale from, let's say, one to 20 for when this Hermione the Unworthy subversion should come out, let's put him in more towards the 20s.

Speaker 2 No, actually, I think just as a friend, Normal, like, I do actually think it's important that he's a little bit...

Speaker 2 Because I know you're saying it's not to bring him back, but, like, you got to do your mind.

Speaker 2 Exactly the same way he was.

Speaker 2 This is like a Bilder Bear situation. Like, he's just a thing.
We're just bringing. So, actually, can you like a few different.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like,

Speaker 2 wait,

Speaker 2 wait, what do you mean by that, Matt? Like, it's just, we're going to put the outfit that we want on him, and he's going to look like we want him to look because it's for a purpose. It's not a person.

Speaker 2 I need to, otherwise, I'm worried that you're going to, like, you know, he's not coming back. It's just a risk we're going to have to take.
He's not coming back.

Speaker 2 You can, if I get in too deep, you know, then just hand me that toctopus sticker I had. You still have the tactopus, right? Yeah, of course.
Well, you just

Speaker 2 talk to you if I wasn't holding it. Four, three, two, one.
Here comes a fake version of my son.

Speaker 2 Hermie the Unworthy appears in front of you in full Joker regalia, unscarred from the last time you saw him, Christine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, scarred, like emotionally, like his twisted sort of take on the world. I'm wondering how he got him.

Speaker 2 But the first thing he does is he grabs Normal and does the like D-Day guy kissing the girl, like famous image. Normal's going to make

Speaker 2 the mouse D-Day. Sorry.
Not D-Day.

Speaker 2 They didn't smooch everyone on D-Day. He did.
He

Speaker 2 for victory. Like the USA.
USA.

Speaker 2 Imagine the deleted team for saving private variety.

Speaker 2 Imagine how much history would change if they found like a picture of two soldiers smooching on D-Day.

Speaker 2 That'd be so beautiful.

Speaker 2 Normal's going to make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. I like that.
All right. Normal got a 16.
Ooh. Okay, so Normal.

Speaker 2 Normal is holding it together enough to know that he should slow down where his emotions are going to be.

Speaker 2 Normal kisses back with fury and passion and goes to kind of grab the back of Hermie's head and then says, no, I can't. No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Hi, it's nice to see you, too. Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Long time I see. Hey, what's up?

Speaker 2 What's up? Just a Build-A-Bear. Remember.

Speaker 2 Just a very charming Build-A-Bear. Can a Build-A-Bear do this?

Speaker 2 And then he doesn't do anything.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what Bilderbergers do, buddy.

Speaker 2 Nothing. Normal took 14 psychic damage from that.

Speaker 2 Mr. Mr.
Hermie, Mr. the Unworthy, is Hermie.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. This is Willie Stampler.

Speaker 2 Mr. Stampler? I'm Willie Stampler.
Mr. Stampler.
That's right. Mr.
Stampler. Mr.
Stampler,

Speaker 2 it's nice to meet you. He meets you.

Speaker 2 We need you to. we are hiring you for an acting job.
Do you think you're up for it? Oh, I'm always up for an acting job. We need you to.
Somehow he's behind you.

Speaker 2 We need you to impersonate that Willie Stampler, the other one.

Speaker 2 Well, I haven't seen too much of him in this form. So how are you going to train me on what I need to do to

Speaker 2 train this Hermie AI on the data of Willie Stampler? So we can conceivably. That's a good question.
We didn't tell you that part of the plan. Hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2 I wish wish for a actor's breakdown three-ring binder of the character of Willie Stampler. A good highlights.
That was written by Meryl Streep. Boop.

Speaker 2 Mine. Mine.
Yeah, Meryl Streep. It's long.
It's detailed. It is erudite.

Speaker 2 It is full of all the details that a would-be actor, aspiring actor, would want to know about their craft, specifically vis-a-vis. being Willie Stamplow.
I also wish for, which Meryl Streep is this?

Speaker 2 Is this renowned Star of Station's 1920 silver screen Meryl Streep from the Mountain Street? Meryl Streep, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So there's probably some anecdotes in there about his various liaisons with beautiful women. There's a lot of just glamour shots of Meryl Streep in the

Speaker 2 folder that are seemingly apropos of nothing. And I also wish for the hyperbaric time chamber that Goku trains in so that Willie Stampler, William, here.

Speaker 3 I wish for the TikTok that Larry and Willie made while they were on break. And on Scary's phone, you see Willie doing a dance to Savage by Megan the Stallion, right? That's who it's by?

Speaker 2 Sure. Yeah.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Lincoln in full Liverpool gear with his best friend, the right forward of Liverpool. He's like, guys, can we pay attention?

Speaker 2 Both of them foddling the World Cup between them. Guys, can we pay attention and let Hermie just like work on the acting?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 So there's a TikTok video of Willie dancing so silly, totally cringe, not based AF at all, to a popular TikTok trend video. And you can hear Larry being like, oh, classic, dude.
You are nailing it.

Speaker 2 Is Larry the one operating the camera?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You're like a cop the way you protect and serve, my man.

Speaker 2 Do you do that trend too, where it's like, here, record me, but the phone is flipping on the other side, and you see the person recording and they're smiling the whole time. Just like, wow.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 And Larry's like, I love this.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Woo. Oh, my God.
I feel so young. Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Heck

Speaker 2 yes.

Speaker 3 Man, I just love being with my buggy.

Speaker 2 My

Speaker 3 best man at my future wedding.

Speaker 2 When I get married to the one I love, okay, I won't ever

Speaker 3 handcuffs like a cop.

Speaker 2 Like, just like I said.

Speaker 2 I don't know how I feel about the cop stuff, but yeah, all right.

Speaker 3 Oh, man. Willie would love the cops.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 gotta wrap up the video now.

Speaker 3 Where do I press the button? I'm young. I'm hip.
I know where to press the buttons. I press all of the buttons of the ladies.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 3 That's me, Larry.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna miss you so much if you ever leave.

Speaker 2 Put a TikTok.

Speaker 2 This has four views. So we do all that.

Speaker 2 Wait, does Hermie just absorb? As you finish watching that TikTok, you look back up and it's like Willie Stampler standing next to you. You didn't even need Meryl Street to do that.

Speaker 2 I have to make sure Mercedes doesn't shoot you. Your gun is out already.
She goes, Grimo, no, I'm a lead gun. Oh, right, right, right.
Sorry. Reflex.
And she like

Speaker 2 narrows her eyes.

Speaker 2 She holsters the gun, but she keeps her eyes nice and narrow.

Speaker 3 Is that role to make sure that this is Hermie Willie Stampler and not Willie Willie Stampler?

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's do that.

Speaker 3 Dang, dude, that convincing, huh? I'm just a little scared.

Speaker 2 Perception or insight up to you.

Speaker 3 Let's see which one I'm better at. They're equally bad.
So I'm going to roll perception. That's a 10.

Speaker 2 So with a 10, it's about an even chance that this is the real one versus the fake one.

Speaker 3 Cool. Yeah, let's go ahead with this.

Speaker 2 It's the real one. I know.
Trust me. I know.

Speaker 3 I know. I want it to be the real one, too.
I'm just, I'm just saying, you know. Scary.
It's him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the only way, yeah, Norma would know because he really, you know. They really lock tongues.
And he loves. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 We don't keep kissing him felt like the way I figured kissing him would feel like. So I'm pretty sure it's him.
It's pretty much exactly what happened to my imagination.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, but it's like since he changed. He probably kissed him.

Speaker 2 Maybe somebody else should kiss him.

Speaker 2 He lost Willie Stampler. Now that'd be weird.
Yeah, that would be weird. Yeah, nobody else kissed Hermie, so nobody else knows how it feels.
You could kiss him again just to make sure it's still him.

Speaker 2 That's okay.

Speaker 2 He looks like an old man now. That was a test, buddy.
Good job, Build-A-Bear, right?

Speaker 2 No more kissing. Good job.
Good job, normal. I give the daddy juice jar of our memories to Willie Stampler, to fake Willie Stampler.

Speaker 3 Willie Scampler.

Speaker 2 Willie Scampler. That's great.

Speaker 2 I give it to Willie Scampler and I say, okay, Mr. Stampler.
Get inspiration for that, man. Yay.
Here's your motivation.

Speaker 2 In a couple of seconds, a eldritch teenager named Dude is going to come into this room, and we need you to tell Dude to drink this and think of home.

Speaker 2 What's my motivation? That's your motivation, is that you're an actor and you want to act that.

Speaker 3 The director for the aging.

Speaker 2 Did I just, by the way, did I just solve directing? You might just solve directing, dog. I think it's almost word for word what Hitchcock said to the lady of the Hermes when she asked him.

Speaker 2 Hermes, you've seen like

Speaker 2 Willie Sambur's like a Willie Sambur's like cruel jerk, right?

Speaker 2 So just like you're really angry at dude, and you hated your home because there's nothing worse than you're a shitty kid and your shitty wife.

Speaker 2 So when you think of the worst place you've ever sent a bad guy to, it would be their home. And you're really disappointed in Doodler because he just did something you didn't like.

Speaker 2 So when he comes here, you just angrily tell them to go home. This is, by the way, the difference between a director and a writer giving notes to an actor.

Speaker 2 Just Matt's like, here's this whole thing that you're playing. I'm like, do the script.

Speaker 2 Say the words I told you to say. It's perfect as is.
I don't know why you have questions.

Speaker 2 So Willie Scampler goes,

Speaker 2 yeah, I think I can do that. Not a problem.
All right. I'm a piece of shit.
I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit.
I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of fucking shit.
All right. Bring him in.

Speaker 3 Dude, that was sick.

Speaker 2 No notes for Anthony. But I say, I bring dude here.
I wish dude was here. I wish dude was here.
Sure, wish dude was here. Boop.
Dude appears and goes, huh?

Speaker 2 Hey, dude. What's going? It's okay.
We're going to send you home. We brought Willie Stampler with us because he had something he wanted to tell you.

Speaker 2 Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to have Hermie roll deception or performance to see if he's going to convince our boy.

Speaker 2 So we got a 16.

Speaker 2 So Willie Scampler is going to say, all right, piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Drink this because you suck so bad. And think about going home because home sucks.
and that's where you deserve to go because you're the fucking worst. And dude goes,

Speaker 2 Okay, did I not do a good job? You did a terrible fucking job. You did an awful, awful, awful job.

Speaker 2 And you made me really disappointed. And

Speaker 2 it's like when you got a friend's house and they start fighting with their parents,

Speaker 2 say something. You suck.
All my hopes were on you, and you completely fucked it up. So, yeah, drink it.
I don't want to ever see you again. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 This seems like a bummer note to leave our friend on. Dude, we all love you, though.
Just so to be clear, we're all just

Speaker 2 matter.

Speaker 3 And Willie, why don't you tell dude that after they finish drinking that liquid, they can take off the cuffs that are making them follow at your every order?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, and take out the stupid fucking those cuffs were supposed to turn you into something cool and make you more than you are, but instead they just prove that you're nothing.

Speaker 2 So go ahead and take those cuffs off right after you drink all that jizz, all that, whatever the fuck that is. And dude goes,

Speaker 2 okay, I guess.

Speaker 2 Sorry. And dude is going to.

Speaker 2 And dude drinks the daddy magic that you've spent so very long collecting.

Speaker 2 And dude immediately begins to glow purple with otherworldly energies, the likes of which you've only sort of glimpsed out of the corner of your eye as you love your parents and as your parents have loved you.

Speaker 2 And as daddy magic has infused every waking moment of your lives. And dude is going to reach up to the collar around their neck.
And dude begins to pull.

Speaker 2 And at that moment, the door to the heaven kicks open and Willie Stampler, not Stampler, but Stampler is there breathing hard and heavy. And he goes, wait.

Speaker 2 Pretty lies, let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself.

Speaker 2 And I know I'll get this right.

Speaker 2 It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive.

Speaker 2 We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Speaker 2 Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 2 We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

Speaker 2 We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Speaker 2 Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 2 I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way.

Speaker 2 I'll be on my way.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Birch as RDM, Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlow, and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer.
Ashley Nicolette Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Speaker 2 Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Els is our lead editor.
Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Speaker 2 This show is supported by our Patreon, and that Patreon is full of members with cool names like Lara Janeka, Catherine Vanya, Travis Dart, B. Wiederwife, Brian Tim, Kristen A.

Speaker 2 Drake, Carter Milius, Gargoyle B., Chris Winnick, Optimus TW20, Sam Rogerson, Louise Rapson, Midnight Ranger, Rachel, Ethan Ahmet, Joe Pierce, Alexandra, Jacob Cleary, Anuvong Sukhsevath, and David and Hannah Bath.

Speaker 2 Big news, our merch shop is back. We've partnered once again with DFTBA to be our merch fulfillment provider.
So head on over to store.dungeonsandy.com and browse our fine wares available once again.

Speaker 2 And some good news for you as well. Both the Deck of Daddy things and the season one dice set are back in stock.
These have been hot ticket items in the past.

Speaker 2 Now is your chance to get your hands on them. The great folks over at DFTBA, as well as Brian, Ashley, Courtney, Cindy, and Danny, our developer, they busted ass getting everything back.

Speaker 2 So big ups, big round of applause for these heroes.

Speaker 2 Once again, if you were affected by our previous merch provider going bankrupt during Black Friday, we recommend that you dispute that previous charge.

Speaker 2 And if you still have issues or questions, just hit us up at community at dungeonsandy.com and we'll do our best to get you sorted.

Speaker 2 You can find our website as well as all the links to all of our stuff at dungeonsandai.com. And you can find our next episode in the future, March 12th.
We will see you then.

Speaker 2 We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 2 We live for tomorrow, make still involve, brave where we can't change.

Speaker 2 We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Speaker 2 Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 2 I don't need your song, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way.

Speaker 3 Popular dance trends constellation.

Speaker 3 What was the one that really popped off like a couple of years ago?

Speaker 2 The Harlem Shakespeare.

Speaker 2 That was a

Speaker 2 couple of years ago. I can ask cheeseburger levels of outdated.
If you were done at TikTok Dance.