Do or Dice Live Tour - Live in Portland 8/22/23

Hey folks, Freddie here.

You're about to hear the Portland live show from our Door Dice 2023 live tour.

Heads up, there are very light season one spoilers in there too, in case you haven't finished season one.

We'll be getting back to season two shortly.

This past month, we had some unanticipated health issues amongst the cast.

Everyone's feeling better though, so forgive us as we get back into the swing of things.

Speaking of live shows, we're in the planning stages of a Midwest/slash East Coast live tour as we speak this year.

So stay tuned for that.

Those updates will be on our website dungeonsandads.com, but you'll hear about it first on our Patreon at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

And finally, if you were affected by the merch snafu around Black Friday last year, keep an eye out on your inbox.

We're going to have an update for you there very soon.

So sit back and enjoy the chaos of the Portland live show.

This one, I think, was the rowdiest one because of the venue.

It made everyone so loud.

Enjoy.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

And this is a live show.

So who knows what's going to happen?

Come on,

EB.

I want you all to welcome back to the stage.

FC Henry Oak will campos, everybody.

The man with the most deadlocked deadlocks, you know the battle.

Let's be honest, if you probably don't even pull your ears if this is going to be last young best man

And last but not least, he's the best in the business books, Anthony Burgotte for this evening, Anthony

Anthony,

Anthony,

This crowd is a horny.

Oh no!

I smell beats are on their way.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies Live!

In case you don't know, this is a show about four dads.

Four dads.

Oh, you're just four of us.

Four dads.

Waving to the people up top.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, everybody up top.

Hey, Dalcony.

Hey, Hey, hey.

This is a show about four dads from our world.

Flung into the forgotten realms with a quest to rescue their lost sons.

We'll do it season one.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group.

Woo!

I guess I got a dad fact.

Glenn's dad fact today.

Glenn has been

in one,

well, he's been a bunch, but in Oregon, one fist fight.

The fist fight was...

So Glenn rides the tour van.

As you may know from season one, he does a biodiesel tour van.

He had to fight off the gas station attendant because if he put anything other

than vegetable oil in there, it was not going to work.

And he spent 20 minutes outside of a Chinese restaurant being like, where's the guy who's going to bring my oil into my...

I thought they bumped it for you here in Oregon.

What the hell?

Mmm.

Cultural specificity.

That's what I specialize in, Will.

You know that.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Daryl Wilson.

Woo!

Gotta hydrate.

Little fact, similar to, I guess, Freddie, you got me on this one.

I was gonna say, Daryl's favorite place, they do a lot of road trips in the Wilson family, and his favorite place to drive is Oregon because there's nothing,

there's nothing Daryl loves more than talking to an expert.

So every time he stops at a gas station, he gets to talk to the experts of filling up the gasoline.

Every gas station stop takes an extra 20 minutes as he just enjoys learning from those fine folks.

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos.

I play Henry Oak.

Woo!

Thank you, my goodness.

Henry's a Birkenstock rocking hippie munchy crunchy nature druid dad.

And sometimes the hottest MC this side of the Mississippi baby oh boy

sorry let me caveat that the hottest edutainment MC yes so um I got I'm sorry to say this Portland but Henry may be a vegan but he's got beef

Portland

specifically the Portland Museum of Arboreal History and those arboreal experts who are always talking about redwoods and lording it over the geologists like look at our beautiful forest he's like rocks are a fucking like

rocks outdate trees by so long.

All you guys got up here is trees.

What are those trees planted on top of rocks?

There's a, Henry's cooking up an arboreal diss track called Trees All Bark, No Bite.

There.

Yes.

No.

Whoa, that's even good.

I like that.

Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Song.

Woo!

Oh my goodness.

I didn't get the organ-specific dad batch memo, but

fun fact about Ron tonight, really wholesome fact, I think, actually.

So Ron's wife, Samantha,

used to tell Ron, hey, just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're broken.

And I know, it's really sweet.

But she had to stop telling him that ever since he kept driving with the Czech oil light on.

And he would be like, well, just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I can't drive it another 50 miles.

Love it.

Woo!

My name is Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad.

My dad fact for today is that yesterday we were in Seattle, Washington.

Whoa.

Seattle, bands of Washington.

But today we're here in the best city in the entire Pacific Northwest, Portland, Oregon.

Unless you're from Seattle, in which case that's the best city.

But for everybody else, fuck Seattle, Portland, where it's at.

So tonight we're going to have some fun.

We're going to share some laughs, have a good time.

We are going to play a little bit of what we would consider, but not many others would consider, Dungeons and Dragons.

And we're not just going to play

some pre-baked, boring thing that we came, we know exactly what we're going to do in Portland.

We plan things ahead.

I'm Matt Mercer.

Damn!

Don't start beef that we can't win.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Our DM is writing checks that we don't get to, we can't cash those from.

What we have before us are six different modules that I've prepared.

And what I have here is a big inflatable dice.

Woo!

So, the way that this is going to work is shortly I'm going to ask each of our daddies to talk about what module they have in front of them.

Then I'm going to toss the dice onto this side of the auditorium.

If you would

not just for you.

Yeah,

it's everything.

You have to pass the dice along.

You are single-handedly keeping Portland weird.

So what I'm going to ask is that this area of the auditorium, you pass it all the way back, and you pass it all the way back there to this area of the auditorium, and then you pass it all the way to the front, and then you pass it all the way there, all the way to the back, and then right back up here onto the stage.

And whatever it lands on, that's the module we do tonight.

So they don't know, I don't know what we're doing tonight, and that will be very obvious once once we start.

So, Beth, which, if we roll a one, what are we gonna play?

We're gonna play, let me cradle it, we're gonna play daddy babies.

Don't like that.

A little scared of that one.

What if we roll a two, Freddie?

A two, we play My Daddy, My Daddy, and Me.

I hate that.

Anthony, what are you doing?

If we roll a three, we're gonna play something called Dread.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I like that.

If we roll a four, we're gonna to play something called Blood in the Water.

Ooh.

What if we play a five?

Oh, it's beefy right here.

UFC.

Yeah.

What if we roll a six?

Number six will be playing the worst one shot possible.

What could it be?

All right, without further ado, please don't pop this.

Please be.

Don't pop it.

We have one.

We got one.

And then otherwise we're going to have to toss just a normal D6 into the crowd next time.

And that's not as fun.

Don't hurt each other.

Throw it back.

Back back.

Throw back.

Throw back.

Apologies, Balcony.

It's so fun what they're doing.

And I'm sorry you can't get part of it.

Oh!

One more match!

Get more match!

Wait, don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

Goodness.

Two!

My daddy, my daddy, and me.

My God, no!

No!

Guys, all ticket sales for tonight.

Do go to the McElroy's.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy.

Next time, check Lyft.

So we find ourselves in season one.

You don't have your kids yet, but you do have your blood paid and embedded.

And you get a call.

You get a call on a leaf.

Who would like to answer the call?

Oh, I love leaves.

I'll take that.

I'll answer the call.

Huh?

I'll answer the call.

Oh, Ron, do you want to take the call, Ron?

Hey, uh, hey, Henry, you're my assistant, so could you get that for me and then tell them I'm not

in.

Ron's leaf, this is Henry.

Hey, Henry, this is Hartball Koffdra.

Oh!

Oh, you're on a leaf!

I could have sworn this would be Aaron O'Neill, but you can't really see who's calling on these things.

Is Aaron okay?

Aaron's fine.

I just know that this is what you guys answered, so I decided to call you.

I am in a slight hostage situation.

Hostage?

No!

You need a team to extract you.

I would love it.

I would love it if you could maybe come and extract me just a little bit.

Tell her I got a real important lunch.

I'll see if I have Ron.

Hold on one second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hardball, Coffee, but she's asked the situation.

You want to take a call.

Okay, babe, let's see.

I got a real important lunch.

It's a lean cuisine.

It's got.

It's got.

There's a real important person here that I'm having lunch with.

It's my soul, friend.

Okay, yeah, we'll be right there, Hardball.

Where are you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, go ahead and take a look.

Henry, establish if Hardball is in duress.

Use duress codes.

She, I think she's in duress.

She's in a hostage situation.

Oh, are you?

It's getting worse.

Are you in duress?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm sorry.

Where are you?

Why do I call it?

Why I could have called so many other people.

Wait, how could I?

I could have called the critical role crew.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I need people who are.

No, I never mind.

Available at Star Week.

You can't cut that.

It's live.

Till Hardball, I'll push my lunch.

Call that a dinner.

And I'll help out.

Ron says he can meet you for drinks.

Is that...

We're coming.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

I don't know.

Ron, I'm not going to indulge you with this anymore.

At my BDSM dungeon, just find me there.

Oh.

Wait, you're in hostage?

Wait, you're in hostage in your own dungeon?

In your own dungeon?

Yeah, a guy came in

with a scroll of disintegration, and

he's holding me and all my clients hostage.

Hardvall, can I ask you a real question?

Hey, this is Daryl.

Yeah, hey, Daryl, what's up?

This might be a silly question, but I was like, prostate, what's up?

Oh, okay, well.

Is it what?

Mr.

Prostate, that was when you came to my place.

You used a prostate beside me.

I remember vividly.

Do you.

I just, is this...

I just don't want to wait.

We got a lot going on.

I don't want to waste our time.

Like, is this really a hostage situation or is this a hostage?

Like,

are you enjoying this call right now?

I'm not judging.

I just want to know.

We are busy like Ron.

We will show up either way.

We will figure this out.

Firstly, I'm in real danger.

Secondly, it's always a pleasure when I hear your voice saying, well,

okay, well,

I appreciate that.

But, okay, well, I mean, yeah, you're right.

I guess either way.

That's up to you.

I roll sense motive to deduce whether this is.

Yes, roll insights.

Sense motive is, once again not a thing.

He was in 3.5!

There was a thing called Sense Motive in 3.5!

3.5 bands in the house!

A couple of them.

What did you roll?

Who said that?

Who pooed 3.5, the Lord system?

Watching, I'm going to make you play fourth.

I rolled a seven.

You rolled a seven, so you have no idea whether she's selling.

Oh,

I rolled something good, though.

I rolled a 16 plus 10.

So that's a good 6.

Henry's very perceptive.

20 says you can tell two things.

One, that she is in danger.

Two, she is aroused.

All right.

Looks like we're going to have to S it WAT this BDSM ASAP.

Ron, just, you can.

Ron.

Ron.

Yeah.

Ron.

Hey, I'm on a very important lunch.

Ron, do you know what he spelled out?

V-I-P.

All right.

Hang tight.

We'll be right there.

And I hang up the leaf.

All right.

Hey, Peyton, buddy.

Yeah, what's up, baby?

So remember that place we went to a while ago?

I do.

Okay, well, I feel like

you've matured a lot since then.

I'm Aiden this many now.

Never mind.

Okay, just stay close to us.

Okay.

Do not go into any room without us.

Not a problem.

Not a problem.

All right, bud.

my main man.

And hey, if there's anything there you don't understand, you feel free to ask me as well.

I'm sorry, I can't get over it.

Can you imagine going to a bar and being like, I'm this many, so I can't.

I'm at these

and a half.

I wouldn't be half the father I was if I didn't learn from my son.

All right.

Yeah.

That's right.

So

you head to Hardball Cough Drop's BDSM dungeon, and you can see that in the lobby where you would normally see just a bunch of people sitting around waiting for their turn to go into one of the many different palaces of delights that lay within.

Is this like a waiting room?

Yeah, it's a waiting room.

It's a fantasy waiting room.

There's a unicorn as a receptionist.

They still have it like that.

It's still Koofus and Gallant, though, you know what I'm saying?

Exactly, the highlights that we have on Earth.

I come up next to a guy with a ball gag in his mouth.

I'm like, so what are you in for?

Sorry, I'm gonna come.

I push Peyton behind me.

What?

He's already here.

What do you mean?

How does he come?

He's here already.

Oh, you're right.

You're right, Peyton.

You're right, you're right.

But instead of seeing all that, you see a very haggard-looking person who is, in their own way, deeply attractive, but in other ways, a little bit unhinged.

And their name is.

Say stop.

Stop.

You, you have your hand up.

Rachel!

And she's wearing a big name tag that says, what are your pronouns?

She.

They are wearing a big name tag that says, Rachel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And in their other hand, they are holding a scroll of disintegration.

Oh!

Disintegration, if you remember being the spell that killed Doug the intern.

It's very, very brutal.

Fifth edition.

Calm down.

It's just an intent.

He's an intern.

A dime a dozen.

Guys, don't take shame.

And you see before Rachel, you see hardball, cough drop, bound and gagged.

Well not gagged, but bound.

She needs to talk, so she's bound, but not gagged.

And then nine other nameless.

Actually, what's your name?

You!

I'm pointing at you.

No, yes, you.

What?

Greg.

The rest of them are all named Greg.

Okay, Greg.

The Greggs.

Gregs.

It's a Greg convention.

And they're like, oh, it'll be a great outing afterwards.

They had a very specific kink that involves all the meaning up in one space.

Okay.

The Gregoff.

The great Greggish Gregoff.

And Rachel.

Oh, a lot of soggy bottoms at the Gregoff.

Nice.

And Rachel goes,

you keep your distance 12.

One false move, and all these people get disintegrated.

I'm going to line them up in a row and disintegrate them all at once.

Well, ma'am, we're just here to get our rocks off.

So you didn't need to cause any problem.

If you need to, we're here to help.

If there's, what's going on?

Roll deception for getting your rocks off.

That's a 12.

That should come naturally to us if you he was a Catholic, though, right?

What?

No, that's a 12 minus one because he's Catholic.

That's an 11.

So Rachel sits there and goes, no, that's a Catholic if I've ever seen this.

Whatever you want to sow deep down and repress, there's no way you would come to a place like this to have it done.

What are you really doing here?

I step forward and say, hail and well met, friend.

I am Henry Oak, friend of the trees.

Well, most trees, not some trees in

Portland.

But you don't need to know about that.

I'm here with my friends, and it seems there's a duressful, stressful situation going on, and we're just, we're here now.

We're here to negotiate.

We're the

mediate.

We're just here to, well, what do you need?

And I will remind you that we're not experts, and our advice should never be followed.

Speak for yourself, Henry.

Rachel does incidentally say,

I do need some advice.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we need to do that.

Okay,

that's what we're here for.

Do you love giving advice to to women.

And everybody else.

Daryl, Daryl pulls a chair and turns it backwards.

Yeah, do it, do it.

Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness gracious.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, you got four of the best dads in the entire kingdom.

Speak for yourself.

We're here to negotiate.

What are your demands?

We got three of the best dads and our friend Hostins.

Glenn's also trying to be like kind of casual to establish rapport.

Oh, very good.

Okay.

So Glenn, why don't you roll persuasion?

Rapport?

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

What room did this person walk into?

The wrong room.

Persuasion, I'm looking at...

So real quick, I deleveled for the live shows.

Persuasion's looking at plus 14.

That's a one!

Oh, no!

What are the Gregs is vaporized?

No!

No!

Careful, guys!

They mean business!

Oftentimes they'll kill a hostage, just friend!

What, what, what?

Just be a dad for a sec.

But they didn't say they needed any dad advice.

What can we help you with?

Because my demands are as follows.

All right.

So we'll take notes.

So I have this friend.

Oh, okay.

And I have feelings for this.

What's that like, Anthony?

Oh my god!

Sorry, wait, wait, wait.

I need to clarify.

Beth doesn't have friends.

I have friends.

Well, yeah, no, I was saying that about Anthony having friends, not having feelings.

So, yeah.

Oh, okay, okay.

I don't know about either of those things, so.

Really quick, do you mind?

I know this was fun, but this chair is really wide.

You can turn it on.

The chair is really wide?

It's really wide.

You live with your choices, Matt.

Errol is still in that position.

Woo!

This shows good.

This shows quick.

I've got this friend, and I've got feelings for them.

Hey, ma'am, really quick, Daryl here.

Do you mind if I.

This chair is really wide.

Do you mind if I.

I'm paying attention.

I just want you to know.

Yes, you can.

Okay, okay, I'm listening.

I've got this friend, I've got feelings for them.

We hooked up once.

Oh, high confidence.

What was that?

Have you ever been fishing?

Yeah.

Oh, okay, you went fishing.

Yeah, we went fishing and and then he railed me.

Hey, Payton, you said if I didn't know anything, you could tell me.

I think what she's saying is, I think they built a train set together.

All right, so a best friend.

That's not what a train is.

Best friends.

They're best friends, I think.

Yeah, okay.

I got feelings for them.

They don't have feelings for me.

I'm very sensitive to rejection, and they just broke my heart.

And I just need somebody to make them fall in love with me.

This is a place of love and sex and all that kind of stuff.

So I thought that maybe you could make them fall in love with me.

So just do that, and I won't have to disintegrate another Greg.

Rachel, it sounds like maybe the problem is that you're not in love with yourself.

Roll persuasion with disadvantage.

So the first roll was a two.

Two more Gregs die.

Ma'am, ma'am, suckseper Greg Randis.

Ma'am, no, no, please, please, take a moment.

Just, what's your friend's name, and maybe we can help?

My friend's name is...

You just raised your hand, you in the front.

David?

Ma'am.

My friend's name is Cynthia.

What a twist.

What a twist.

Cyminthia, David.

His first name's David.

First name is David.

Well, That's a weird way to introduce them.

Do you mind if we, can we do a quick doubt?

We work best

as a team.

Can we just take it?

Bring it in.

Let's bring it in.

Yeah, bring it in.

We're going to do a quick downtown.

Yeah, you're getting to have a debt, whatever that is.

Yes, go ahead.

Puck coffee rubs like, ooh, what am I about to see?

Daryl, what do you think was the play?

I hate to be the one to say this, but like, we should just kill him.

Daryl, Daryl, I'm just saying they just killed.

They just killed three people in front of us, and they want the person to love them.

That's psychotic.

Yeah, I'm a little worried about David Cemynthia.

I know they play dreams together, but like, that's not enough.

That doesn't mean you love somebody.

Daryl, this is a person in emotional distress, man.

Oh, so we should lie to them.

First, and then when their guard is down,

the killing stroke.

Exactly.

We're on the same page.

I feel like maybe David Cymanthia Cymanthia could maybe be, you know, like someone who could help

them out of this.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, that's good.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it could blow up, though.

Huh?

That could go real wrong.

Well, I think we should establish connection with David Cymanthia.

That's right.

We become the person that they fall in love with.

Well, I don't follow.

Is your plan once again to switch clothes with somebody

and convince them that you are that person?

Pete, I told you you wreck my game every time, man.

Um, can we, uh, so, Rachel?

Yes.

Hi, uh, first of all, can we, can we get you anything?

I know in the movies they always like send in pizza.

Sometimes, like, a little robot brings the pizza in.

I'll take a pizza robot, sure.

Actually, now I really want a pizza robot.

If you can't bring a pizza robot, two more Gregs are gonna die.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, Paul, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, oh, um, uh, okay, okay, okay, first of all, first of all, first of all, first of all, first of all, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

I cast polymorph on Ron!

You cast what?

I cast polymorph on Ron.

Okay, and I turn Ron.

You turn into a little mouse.

Why do you know?

Let me cook!

Let me cook!

I know what I'm doing!

And

I quickly,

I cast about for a box.

You can roll an investigation.

Okay, um, um, um, um, okay, that's an 11 plus uh uh investigation.

What's investigation?

Uh, plus a zero, an 11.

What about your perception?

what about perception is 10 it's really high okay perceive a box you perceive a box okay so I'm gonna put a box over Ron this is all not in front of the in front of Rachel okay put a right I put a box over

three oh no

this is all this

distraction

you can't put Ron in a box just

Just let me cook let me cook this is gonna work I'm doing something

you can try but she's gonna watch you do it okay all right so I put I put a box on Ron, and um uh uh uh uh I'm going to like find like I want to find like a tube.

I'm trying

like a like a like a wand.

Is there a wand?

Yeah, there's a oh, there's a wand.

I find a wand and I stick in the front to give it kind of like a nozzle, right?

So it looks more robot-y.

Yes, the box is vibrating.

And then I and then

I um

I scratch onto the side cheese or petrol.

Yes!

Got him!

Anthony!

Anthony!

Hold on,

you gotta go back on stage.

That's pretty low blow for Anthony.

That's real blow.

I know this is hard, buddy, but you gotta be strong.

I've got to go back on.

I can't do this again.

I believe in you, and you got this.

No, don't cry, don't cry.

It's gonna be okay.

All right, let's let's just go on.

Oh my god, that guy is so fucked.

Oh, I gotta go.

Oh, the mic is hot the whole time.

Okay.

So I tell Ron to go find a pizza by detecting cheese.

Okay, because you were a mouse, I would say you get advantage on that, so why don't you roll perception with advantage, Ronald?

Okay.

Nice, let's see.

One of them's going to have 20 sides on it.

That is a, and I'm rolling perception?

You're rolling perception with advantage, so you get to roll twice and take a look at.

Oh my god, I get to roll twice.

Oh, that reminds me, I forgot.

Oh, that's right, we have a special rule.

Tonight, we have a special rule.

We have a special rule every night, but tonight it's even more special because it's about you.

If at any point somebody makes a roll that you don't like, somebody said, boo, go fuck yourself.

If at any point you would like somebody to roll again with advantage, then this is what you're going to do as a group, as a hive mind.

You are going to go, inspiration.

Inspiration.

If there's any...

Fuck up on those reflexes, my dude.

Do you want to know what I rolled?

I would love to.

Freddie, can I hit it into the thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

I'm ready.

I got a

You find in one of the rooms that is marked pizza fetish

ah, yes, Daryl's already in there.

Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, my friends.

Yeah.

You find four turtles dead of pleasure.

And you find the most delectable, delicious pizza you've ever, the fucking all dogs go to heaven pizza with the cheese.

The most incredible pizza you have ever seen in your life.

What would you like to do now?

So, okay, so out of character, we got Rachel, who is doing what?

Rachel is killing Greg's left and right round.

Killing Gregs.

There are seven Gregs remaining and a hardball cough drop.

There are six Greggs remaining and a hardball cough drop.

And she is holding them hostage they are holding them hostage until uh they can get their their their ex remember their friend uh david cyminthia to fall in love with them and they want a pizza and they want a pizza and right now they want a robot delivering them pizza because of us standard hostage negotiation stuff ron this is 101

and i'm a mouse

you're a mouse in a box

and you've got a pizza on top of it.

Ron, you just gotta eat.

That's your motivation.

Ron, you just gotta bring them the pizza and just say beep, beep, beep.

Boop.

So I'm gonna bring them the pizza and go beep beep.

And

should I roll for that?

Yes, you are gonna roll deception with advantage because the pizza itself is so enticing.

That's a 13.

Did you say disadvantage?

No, advantage.

Oh!

Because we got the old dogs that have a pizza.

That's a 12, so that's less than 13.

What is your deception modifier?

Plus 3.

Sorry, with a 16.

Katie, sorry, Rachel takes it, sniffs it a little bit, eats it, and a little bit of bliss begins to cross her face.

And the secret HP of I'm tracking to determine whether or not she is sort of on your side and is willing to give up the hostages has diminished a little bit, so you've made some progress.

Well, eat more!

All right, world, we're doing good.

We're doing, how's that pizza treating you?

It's okay.

I'm lactose intolerant, so I can have a one piece.

And

I'm going to pay for it later.

But it's vegan.

It's

vegan.

Squeak, squeak, squeaky.

Look, I'm vegan.

There's no such thing as a natural 20 vegan meat.

All right, all right.

Well,

we're real happy that you're happy about the pizza.

We'd like to, you know, if we're going to help you with David Cyminthia, we need to like, you know, maybe hit them up a little bit.

Do you know what their leaf is?

Yeah, let me give you their deeds.

And she takes out a leaf and tosses at you, and it is a direct connection to David Cyminthia.

Okay, I, all right, I'm going in, boys.

Oh, okay.

You up?

I, uh,

I say, hey, is this David?

Yeah.

Hey, David.

David Cymanthia.

Hey, David.

We were, so we're,

do you, you know Rachel, right?

Oh no.

David, we have a little situation here.

We got six Dougs and we got snacks.

They're Gregs.

Gregs, Greg Scott.

It's not our fault.

I know it haunts you.

It haunts me.

We got six Gregs here and their lives are in your hands and you got to help us.

What can you tell us about Rachel?

I can tell you that I railed.

Yeah.

Right, you played trains, yeah.

We went fishing, we built a train, and I railed them on the train.

So, you put a train in the trains?

Okay, cool.

And I just don't, I just kind of just think of them as a friend more than a long-term partner.

It's not something I'm particularly interested in pursuing.

Okay, that's fair.

That's very fair.

What are you looking for in a long-term partner?

Somebody who's good with like business.

This is good, this is good.

Are you into married men?

No.

Ron would never.

Ron stays wrong, bud.

I'm a kinder into married men now.

Well,

frankly, I'm inclined to hang up on you and not help, but the thought of being next to a married man with a

business degree.

Oh, a degree.

David.

With all kinds of untoward feelings.

Just pretend, Ron, it's okay.

Just pretend what?

Pretend what?

What?

You're on speaker leaf.

Come on, what are you doing?

Well, you're lucky because you got four married men.

Hey, no way, man.

I'm free.

We got three married men and our best friend.

Who also plays trades.

And really, what is a wife or a spouse but a best friend?

Yeah.

Perfect, so we're good.

So are we gonna, am I gonna be able to hit on you or now?

Are you gonna seduce me?

Oh, yeah, you can't.

David, can I give it a second?

We gotta close.

We gotta close.

You sound like a straight shooter.

Straight up!

Well,

look, do you think

I got two options for you, bud?

Well,

we'll start with two and then see how it goes.

You can either tell us something about Rachel that would make us all feel morally okay with killing them.

What?

Like, is she a burger?

Like, brother and murderer or something.

He's beyond his.

Or,

do you think you could pretend to love them just long enough for us to save eight hostages?

Six hostages.

Six hostages.

Don't forget about harmony.

Rachel's still.

Yeah, yeah.

Santa, why don't you roll persuasion?

Anyone want to help me?

I think this would be the time to maybe help Darwin.

Roll again.

I'm going to

cast guidance on Daryl, which gives him like a plus something.

I think that means you have to, I think that, Will, I do think that means you need to hold his hand as he rolls that dice.

No, no, no, the dice hand!

Daryl, take the wheel.

Well, uh.

What's your bonus?

You only got it once.

What is it, Matt?

What skill check was this?

This is persuasion.

Well, uh,

well, uh, what do you give me plus?

I think like two.

One down to one d4.

Oh, one d4.

Roll 1d4.

Okay.

Will it 10 to it?

The only way I feel comfortable coming down there and dealing with

Rachel is if I get to go on a date with that businessman.

Done.

Oh, okay.

Good.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

You got it.

Hey, Has this negotiation is really easy.

Just say what they want and give it to them.

Oh, I can...

Yeah, I can give it to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, so he goes, I'll meet you at a place that you're choosing for our date.

Where are you going to take me on the date?

That's what you have to role play now.

Okay.

Have you ever been to a local establishment called Applebee's?

Applebee's.

Austin, would you mind going on hold for a moment while I call my wife?

No problem.

I'm just going to treasure that thought.

Go ahead.

I'd love to beat the bulls.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Robot impression.

That's the best time I was like.

Ron, why are you making beep beep boop noises in your hand?

Sure.

I'm holding your phone.

I have a manual phone,

so I have to make all the noises that a phone would make.

All right.

I'm calling my wife.

Ronnie!

Hey, hey, Samantha.

Hey, baby.

Okay, so I have

a proposition for you.

A gentleman's agreement.

A gentleman's agreement, if you will, even though you are not a gentleman.

I'm not a gentleman, honey.

But if you were, that would be great.

Ronnie.

Is there something I need to know?

If you knew that lives were at stake,

would you let me go on a date with someone named Rachel?

David, Rachel.

I know it's a relatively common name.

David.

Rachel's the hostage taker, David.

Yes, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Rachel is too common a name, really.

an even more common name would be desirable, something like Dave or David.

So yeah, if I went on a date with somebody named David, but to save lives,

wouldn't that be cool?

Why don't you roll persuasion?

I hate to think that my relationship with my wife depends on a role.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, especially since that's a five, yeah.

Plus, three, plus three, plus three.

You only got one.

You wasted it.

You wasted it.

Sorry.

Root on, Daryl.

I think it was wasted.

I think it was a good idea, everybody.

Like, you know, don't beat yourself up.

You look, and it got us into this hilarious situation ultimately.

It's a good thing you failed.

Okay, let me pivot here.

Well, I just don't.

If it had been somebody named Rachel, I think I would have.

That's true.

That's true.

It's okay, I got a plan B.

I got a plan B.

Okay, so apparently there's a plan B, but not for you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, honey.

No, you gotta ask me for permission before you get into the plan B scenario.

No, yeah,

you're my only plan, my North Star,

my dreidel that spins on every good roll and gets all the gold candy.

You are my everything.

So, of course, there's no plan B, but I'm gonna confer with my dad,

friends,

okay?

Look, look,

Ron, I don't want you to like, I don't want you to break your wife's heart.

Why don't one of us will just pretend to be you?

And then we'll go on the date.

And we need your business expertise to be able to do that.

You whisper your business acumen into our ear, and you can be like the waiter on the date.

And you can give, you know, one of us advice.

And then we'll

now, and the plan's getting a little complicated, but then one of, we'll hit it off

with David, and then David will help us

kill

Rachel.

Yes, exactly.

And as a master of seduction and persuasion, I think I'm the man uniquely suited for the job.

Put me in undercover, coach.

Nice.

Okay, Samantha, so the thing I need to tell you is I'm pursuing a new field, the service industry.

It'll be an adventure full of polite people who always treat me well.

I just can't wait for all the benefits of this new job.

Okay, honey.

I mean, as long as you're feeling optimistic about it, I support you in all of your endeavors.

Love you, babe.

I love you.

The end.

It's been a great crowd.

No, it's not really the end.

It's not really the end.

Imagine if that's how you signed off on all your calls.

Yeah.

That's how I end all my calls, yeah.

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All right, so I guess we, do we go to Applebee's to try to get Applebee's, which is an Apple Grove full of bees?

Yes, yes.

You go to Applebee's, which is a very, very large Apple Grove that is, you see immediately there is a man-sized bee who's standing in front of.

is it the nasen x-b?

Sorry, the naseneck.

You know, Antonio Banderas is the nasen xb in those ads?

You guys remember, right?

A lot of naso heads out here,

people love that bee, man.

Yeah.

James, the nasal x bee.

Uh

the the very sexy bee falls to you.

And he says, uh

standby party of two.

I mean, yeah, I think I'm in, right?

Wait, who's in?

I'm in with a cheerpiece.

Okay, so we do need Ron to be the waiter.

Yeah,

he's the waiter, but how are you gonna get Ron in?

Oh, now there's like a high stealthy thing.

I polymorph Ron into a beef.

If only I were stealthy or something.

I don't know.

Ooh.

That's better.

Do that.

Um.

Let's see here.

Is there anybody wearing like a shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders?

A shirt that looks like a tender?

A shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders?

Yeah, like a thing of tenders.

Like a thing of chicken, like a thing about it.

Are you asking if one of the bees is wearing a t-shirt that has like chicken tenders for it?

Somebody I could switch clothes with that maybe like their clothes.

Oh, you wanna.

Are the servers humans?

Yeah, turn me into a bee.

Turn me into a bee.

The servers are all bees.

I turn Ron into a bee, okay?

Oh, don't trust the bee in apartment 23, am I right?

All right, so you're now a beef in the script bed.

So you are now a bee.

You are not a waiter, you're just sort of a bee hanging outside.

I thought you said all the servers were bees.

Yeah, yeah, but like, if you're a human now, you can't just be like, I'm gonna go to this McDonald's and now I work there because I'm a human.

Are they wearing, like, name, what are they wearing?

They are wearing

red vests with a bunch of flare on them.

Oh, I know how.

Let's drag a bee out.

Beat the shit out of it.

Yeah, exactly.

Just do the hitman thing.

You wait for someone to take a smoke break and you're hiding in a dungeon.

I get a bunch of flowers and cover myself in honey, and I seductively dance outside the restaurant, hoping that one of the waiters

roll performance.

Wait, no, oh, that's a

that's an 11.

I mean, that's a six.

So Daryl just starts eating the honey off of himself, but it's delicious.

But that would attract bees, though.

Yeah, it would attract them, and then they see that it's Daryl just licking himself and they go, you know what, I could get honey at the store.

It would be so much easier if we just killed them.

Ron looks over at the flower next to him and is like, um, excuse me, yeah, this bee, this, like, pile of honey is making me really uncomfortable.

Could somebody like a big strong like server, oh, wait, but not too strong,

come out and like kick him out.

So the bees hear a bee saying, Can somebody kick out this pile of honey?

Oh my god, he's making me uncomfortable.

He's licking himself.

Ew.

Alright, roll deception.

That's a D12.

Five more Craigs have died while all this is going.

Many Craigs died to bring you this podcast.

That's going to be a 12.

Alright, so with a 12, one bee comes out and goes, oh, another honey pervert.

I beat him up.

All right, go ahead.

I beat him up.

Oh, my God.

Run!

Roll self to see if you can beat him up silently without the other bees at Applebee's hearing.

Oh,

can I give a help on this one?

Can I give a help on this one where we flash back to some scene where like, like.

I don't need a help.

I mean, a help.

What'd you get?

What'd you get?

I mean, because I have plus 11 to sell.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I want to hear what you were going to do anyway.

I was just going to teach Ron Ron Krov McGaugh.

Glenn's like, all right, here's the secret.

I must fuck and strike at the same time.

Ah, like the stock market.

Sure, yeah.

So that's a 12 plus 11.

Okay, 23, yeah, you're going to very quietly take out this B.

Non-lethally, I assume?

But like, but like, that's the thing in like movies when you get bonked on the head, like, that's bad.

Yeah,

we've talked about this before where it's like if you're if you're out for even a few seconds, that's very bad.

You should go to the ER.

But no, this is a comedy podcast here, and so we're back in the scene.

I do

I yes, Ron beats him up selfly, non-lethally, and because it's fiction,

he is unconscious for a long, long period of time

with no ill effect.

All right, now you are dressed as a waiter.

You are perfectly, your plan so far is going off perfectly.

Run, are you in place?

I come in via like, you know, leaf intercom.

Run, are you in place?

Copy, should we have like code?

Bald Eagle in position.

Oh, Bald Eagle, just because I don't have hair?

No, no, no.

Sorry, run.

We went over this.

I'm Bald Eagle.

That makes me feel real bad.

No, no, it's me, it's me.

I'm Bald Eagle.

You get to pick your own call sign.

Oh.

What was the one you wanted again?

Schnauzer.

Schnauzer, Schnauzer one.

Are you in position?

Yes.

Burke, Burke.

Roger.

I mean, buzz, buzz.

Roger, Operation Hit the Go.

We are green light.

We are green light to the light.

Copy that.

Team two, also B-boys.

I've turned both Daryl and I into Bs.

Oh.

We're like a little B band, like with the Beezy Boys.

So David is there going, Where's my human man that I was wanting to date?

All I see are B's.

That would be me.

That would be me.

Bring you to to your date, and I put my little wing out.

I'm going to guide David to the table.

And then down the hall at the end of the bar.

Is there a bar?

Yeah.

Well, I whisper to him.

I say, this is this man.

This man you've come to date is quite the special customer.

He asked us to personally lead you to the table.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go ahead and lead me to the table, guy who doesn't work here.

What?

Henry's playing a little B ukulele and put romantic music into these.

Okay.

So,

at the table at the table is what Glenn close dressed in a suit and sitting there with a calculator just like typing and you'll look in there

and if you really and and and if and if and if uh if David rolls investigation you can see that he is uh he's he's uh he's doing that

He rolled a two, so whatever you want him to see, he will see.

He's not smart enough.

He doesn't see the upside down 80087355.

Whether he doesn't compare that,

dude, smartphones came at the right time.

Because do you imagine being entertained by the fact that you can turn numbers upside down?

Like, that was like the pinnacle of entertainment.

It's amazing.

Before I leave, I pull the chair out for David and then I lean in and whisper to Glenn, but loud enough so David can hear.

I say, sir, that tip you gave me was just too large.

I don't know if I can accept it.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I have.

It's more than you write it off as taxes.

taxes.

And then I walked back and I whisper together, I was like, that man must be the richest man I ever waited on.

Both of you rolled deception.

With advantage?

That's smooth.

You're both rolling, so that is effectively advantage.

God, that's a three!

Two plus 14.

Oh!

16.

You can only do it once.

I'm sorry.

The inspiration is gone.

Come and gone.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I guess.

okay, okay.

Just kidding, fuck you.

You don't get to do it again.

You can't carry a mouse a cookie because then we're going to go to San Francisco and they're going to want three inspirations and LA is going to want more.

Anthony, can we do like a very brief flashback?

It'll be so brief, I promise.

Sure, sure.

Okay.

Sure.

So it's like Glenn and Ron, like, you know, like massaging each other's shoulders, amping each other up, looking at each other.

Okay, cool.

You've got to do it, man.

You've got to shave your head.

What?

Cut back, bald Glenn Club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in the background, you see Peyton weaving together a wig, and he goes, canonically, this is what he's going to be wearing for the rest of the season.

And there's a scene at some point in the future where Glenn gets surprised and goes, whoop!

All right, so

have a seat, David.

You failed to convince him.

With 16, really?

With a 16?

Yeah,

I've modulated the difficulty to be a little bit more difficult considering how fucking good.

It's a tough economy out there.

If you got an 18, I would have accepted it.

But no, he goes, like, I don't know.

I feel like this may be...

This guy's a cheapo.

He's trying to, he's trying to make me think he's a big shot.

Here you are, sir.

The most expensive bottle of wine in the Applebee from your server.

Let me uh gnar.

Oh, um, Anthony, I'd like to do a flashback as well.

Okay.

Henry has been talking to Rachel about all of David's favorite songs.

Okay.

So, like, can you give me like, like, what are five of his favorite songs?

I can feel it nutting in the air tonight.

With or without dudes.

Crocodile Cock.

Goodbye, Yellow Bick Road, parentheses, yellow as piss.

Candle in the far wind.

Okay.

The Lion King sound dragged.

The Lion King sound dragging.

The Lion King sound dragging.

Alright, I'm going to roll a D6.

Weirdly enough, a lot of Felton John on that list.

Yeah.

I got two.

What was the second one you said?

Crocodile Cock.

All right, so Henry B.

Henry is crooning a delightful little version of Crocodile Cock.

If you can give me a verse from Crocodile Cock,

and you'll get it down.

You want me to Google like a karaoke version of?

I remember when crocs were hung.

I was horny and feeling dumb.

Mr.

Gator said, How you do?

I said, Hey there, Gator, I'm looking at you.

Best in the biz.

Cox rock, that's it.

All right.

So, yeah, you're going to get advantage on whatever the next roll you're going to do to convince this guy because the ambiance, the mood is so Belissima.

So, I've been handed the most expensive bottle of wine.

Yes, you have.

That you can find in the Applebee's.

Waiter, aren't you going to do the cork thing?

Of course, I'll do the cork thing.

I'll do the cork thing.

Use your stinger.

There it be.

Careful, though, if you use the stinger and it comes out, you'll die, Ron.

Oh, thanks.

All right.

I'm a corked up white boy, just trying

to...

Just trying to open a bottle.

So

I will carefully try to use my stinger to open this bottle of wine.

Okay, roll sleight sleight of hand.

We'll say it's sleight of stinger.

13.

13 prevents you from dying.

All right.

Here you are, sir.

The clone that I had waiting in the wings to be run for the rest of the series canonically that would have taken your place had you died in that moment now evaporates in the mist.

A real Athrolavine situation.

Yeah, we'll feel that relief.

So Glenn leans over and like does the whole like sniffs it, sniffs a cork, and like gets kind of a quizzical look on his face like,

wait a minute, this wine is no good.

Put it cork back in it and put it and store it for future value taxation purposes.

It will depreciate and amortize over seven years.

Roll persuasion with advantage.

Did I just get you with the word amortization?

7 plus 1421?

Yes, sir, right away, sir.

So with a 21, he goes, oh, a good advantage also, but not that it matters.

He goes, oh, amortize.

Yeah.

Oh, are you into the business arts?

I consider business an art.

You're doing great, Glenn.

Glenn does like a thumbs up behind his head.

You're crushing it, bald eagle.

Yeah, I'm just looking for somebody who can sort of support me in my endeavors.

Well, do you have a budget?

Let me ask you something.

What kind of tax advantage retirement accounts are you rolling?

I got

a mattress full of dollar bills.

I've got a designer dog that I can probably flip for a couple grand.

You telling me that all your assets are cash assets?

Yeah, I'm liquid.

Glenn is going to neg David by being like, ugh, you're not even taking,

inflation is good, and Glenn stands up and goes as if to leave.

Oh!

Roll persuasion again with advantage.

Bro, well, you would.

Or dissection rather.

Not that it's going to matter.

With advantage,

that persuasion roll puts me at a healthy, healthy 9 plus 1423.

She goes wait wait wait what i make glenn does a thing where he like stops and he's just like

yes i i've been looking to get into some stocks and bonds and stuff like that now you're speaking my language

i'm just a simple david symmetia i just need somebody to explain it to me it's so complicated if you can for a layman explain what the stock market is within like 15 seconds in a way that makes sense.

Then you have clinched it.

Stock market

is a market in which it allows the public to own portions of publicly traded companies so that they can take advantage of the value of those companies, the perceived value of those companies, based on how well they're doing as a company on a quarterly basis.

I think that was

planted money.

Ron takes Daryl aside.

He's like, he's so silly.

Stock is just how many t-shirts you have.

Ron, sorry, I was just flying out the handle.

I don't know if anything I said was true.

It's not.

Yeah, none of this business stuff is right, but that's why there's only one businessman.

But you're doing great, Bulldog.

Just keep bullshitting, I guess.

David, what you're saying that you want to get into tax advantages and savings retirement accounts, that's really working for me.

Tell me, is there any reason that Rachel should die?

There's a consequence of this situation.

I know, I think, I'm getting there.

I'm getting there.

Is there any reason that Rachel should, you know, like, is a bad person?

Like, you know, even financially speaking, any sort of financial.

Financially speaking, yeah, I mean, she's counterfeited a few dollar barrels, but I mean, who has counterfeiting?

Why, that's a federal offense.

She's otherwise.

I'm going to roll to see if Rachel's a good person or not.

She killed three people.

Natural 20.

Oh no, what a deal.

She's killed three people, but she saved 12.

She's donated every organ that she has while still alive and is just barely holding on.

It's only the leg.

Can I do a quick flashback?

Yeah, go.

Before we leave on this date,

I lean in to all the Gregs and I say,

she has no organs.

There's more of you than her.

We're going to be gone for a while.

Whatever happens, happens.

Take her down.

Roll persuasion.

That's right.

That's a five.

The Greg's going,

I don't know.

I don't know if there's any way you could have known that.

Because this is a flashback.

can I do a flashback

yes you can

Daryl you almost forgot your your great glasses this is why they call them the x-ray machine this guy is the best in the business he can see right through you

he can tell if you've got organs or not

he can tell if you're a good person

Oh, I'm just looking at Daryl.

All right, the end.

So you guys believe me now?

Roll for your flash, your dumbass flashback meth.

That's, ooh, okay, that's a seven.

They go,

this is a pair of sunglasses that

you wrote I know everything onto in like Magic Marker.

Daryl, are you going to keep those sunglasses, by the way?

I feel good in them.

Do you want them, though?

You can have them, I guess.

Yeah.

All right, you should have them.

So we go back to the present.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I mean, she's a really good person.

She's donated all her organs.

She's donates money to orphanages and stuff.

She's a fantastic person.

They're amazing.

Team Bravo.

Team Bravo.

This is a Paul Deagle checking in.

Excuse me for one second.

I must use the...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Henry wants to do one more play.

I love that.

It's like, Henry wants to do it, not Will.

Henry wants to do one.

Henry wants to do one.

Just one.

Just one.

Matt Mercer does not have to put up with this shit.

Just one.

Henry has planted a speaking stone on the table.

Okay.

And back at HQ, back at the hostage situation, Rachel, they're listening by a speaking stone to David saying all these wonderful things about what a good person they are.

Wow.

And Rachel goes, Yeah, that's why I'm in love with him.

I'm still upset that he's not in love with me.

But you just made it worse.

No, but two more Gregs die.

Okay.

There's one more flashback.

Guys, guys,

I feel like I would feel bad if we canceled this date with David, right?

Mm-hmm.

When are we flashing back to?

This is right before we leave on the date.

We're about to leave on the date.

Okay.

How do you guys tie it up?

I don't think we should cancel the date, but I don't think this date's going to fix this.

How about we roll initiative and kill Rachel before we go on this date?

What do you guys think?

Wait, how many Gregs are left?

There's only five Gregs left, man.

If we go on a date, everybody's going to be dead, including

four Gregs, man.

You've gotten so deep at the game.

You're not.

Oh, God.

What's important?

Human lives are at stake.

I look at Henry and I say, fine, we don't have to do this.

But in a couple hours, when this date goes wrong,

the blood's on your hands, do you understand?

And

we flash forward, I go, I knew we should have just killed Rachel.

I gave you that one last chance to invite Rachel.

A tear rolls down Henry's BI as he realizes this goings out.

Glenn, you were coming to talk to us or something.

What's up?

Glenn, you gotta save us.

You gotta save this situation.

I can't handle any more Craigs dying.

I still don't understand how the state's gonna eventually save these Craigs.

Here's what we gotta do.

What was he supposed to do?

We were trying to get, just to remind everybody.

We were trying to get dirt on Rachel to justify morally killing.

I thought we were trying to get, I thought it was like you, I thought David was like, I'm gonna go on this date with you and then like, I'll help you convince Rachel to not go.

That's right, that's right.

That's what I'm saying.

But my secondary objective, right?

You can have secondary objectives, dude.

You saw Ocean's 11.

The first objective.

You know what I'm saying?

Really?

The secondary objective is Henry's objective.

It's true, Roberts, dude.

Hey, Henry zooms into

Glenn's ear.

Glenn, it's me, Henry.

I'm in your ear.

You're so loud.

Glenn, it's me, Henry.

I'm in your ear.

Hey, so,

we gotta get this date to a second location.

We gotta get...

we gotta

tell you, you cannot say it like that, Henry.

You can't.

You gotta get David back to the hostage situation so David can convince Rachel to not to come out.

You know, and then they'll come out and stop the hostage situation.

And if it doesn't work, you can kill Rachel, Darrell.

But we need David to pretend he loves Rachel.

Yeah, to make that sound business-y, and then we'll get that to happen.

What do business people love?

Clint, what do business people love?

Money.

If I remember correctly, we have like thousands of gold.

That's right.

This is after we did the thing with the.

Yeah, we have, just give them.

No, no, no, no.

Damn it, you know the first thing about business.

We're on Tommy.

David, you're good.

Dave Clint, you're a 2G.

No, listen to me.

Remember who you are.

Here's what.

A loser groc guy.

Hey, I managed the finances for my man, man.

I mean, Bulldog, you are a strong, capable businessman.

You are enough dressed as you are.

You are bald, and that's okay.

I take my glasses.

The sun shines brightest off reflective surfaces, just like your head, buddy.

I take the sunglasses, which what do they say?

They say, I know everything.

I take my sunglasses, I say, you need these, buddy, and I put them on you.

I say, get back in there.

Now everything is slightly darker, and then my perception goes down by one.

And then I go, I have some rental properties that

I need to check up on.

You know, just a little bit of secondary passive income sources.

Okay, can I come with?

I guess.

Oh, no.

So now I take the date to a second location back to Hardball Cough Drops.

Okay, so you go back to Hardball Cough Drops.

And are you going to just try to walk David into this hostage situation?

No, no, no, no.

I'm going to.

Oh, yeah, disguise David as a hostage.

What did the Greggs look like?

The Greggs all look like him.

Oh, okay, okay, alright, okay.

So gray t-shirt, a lanyard with what appears to be

a VIP pass.

Well, that makes sense, right?

That was the Greg Convention.

They all got a Gregville.

Yeah, VIP, Greg Convention.

Bravo team, I need a Greg outfit.

Stephen.

Okay.

Okay.

I just pick up some clothes from one of the dead Gregs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then for the shirt, I'll check the stock market.

Is it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You do that, Ron.

I pick up a shirt from one of the dead graves, too.

I found one on the stock market.

That was great advice.

Oh, the Dow is down, and so am I, man.

So, this, uh, just, Dave, this, uh, this location here, you know, there's uh kind of a strict uniform dress code.

Can you put this on?

Anything for you, my new friend.

All right.

Maybe more.

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

You're moving too fast.

Or are you?

Oh!

You can rescue any, any situation.

What the or are you?

So Dave puts the shirt on, and it's sticking to his chest with blood, but otherwise it seems to be completely fine.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Come on in, I get right.

Are we just bringing Dave in?

Oh, no!

It's Rachel!

It's Rachel!

This is a trap of some sort!

What am I doing?

I start singing Crocodile Cock again.

You say what?

Crocodile Cock.

I did the most romantic song to make him fall in love with Rachel.

Isn't it Herman Hazel?

It's Hail Mary Play.

Okay, give me a roll.

I'm gonna sneak up behind Rachel as she's distracted.

That's a

seven.

That's not gonna do it.

What are you gonna do, Daryl?

Don't even worry about it.

Two more Gregs.

There's only two left now.

I don't care about them anymore.

After seven dead, what's the point?

Dale just says.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Now the best case scenario is we're going to be.

We say three out of twelve hostages, guys.

Where is Hardball Koftdrop?

She's also one of the hostages.

Okay, I um...

She's the one who canonically cannot die.

I can't.

She's a slitter, Anthony.

Whoa, she can't die.

Dale just walks towards Rachel.

You won't shoot.

Look what you've done.

Look at all this depth for what?

Roll intimidation.

Yes!

That's a 21!

So she raises the scroll to disintegrate, which has so many charges on it.

It's really more of a binder of disintegrate.

You don't want to do this.

Deep down, I know I'm still here later.

I know Rachel's still here.

I know Copt, I'm still here.

I know you'll be here later, too.

And

picking up what they're all been laying down, look what you have wrought.

David, what do you think of this death and this destruction and this poor use of business assets and personnel.

Yeah, the amount of money lost just on these brags alone has got to be in the tens of thousands.

Or more.

Or more!

You disappointed me, Rachel.

And for good reason, Rachel, don't you see?

Look at what your actions have done.

You screwed this up.

I don't even sell anymore.

We got 21.

We're good.

So she hesitates,

the binder of disintegration hesitates in her hand, and she sort of drops it to her side, And she goes, What have I done?

Yeah, yeah, really think about that.

I approach them cautiously and like just kind of kick the scroll away.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, yeah, give me a rent tack roll.

Why did I open my dumb mouth?

So, William,

she disintegrates Henry!

Henry evaporates into smoke before your eyes.

And then a changeling from outside

sees this happen and she goes, that's horrible.

Those people, they look so devastated that their best friend Henry has just died.

I know what I'll do.

And she casts a spell that removes all of your memories of the past 35 seconds.

And she transforms herself into the image of what she believes that guy Henry looked like.

Wait, wait, wait, I got an idea, actually.

What if it was the changeling in the first instance?

We planted it in a flashback.

Henry is Henry!

A changeling!

Henry comes out!

Henry!

Henry comes out!

No!

So yeah, she's got it.

She just iced the changeling, which means she's probably distracted if you wanted to now make this plan relevant.

Alright, I cast Wall of Stone!

I cast Wall of Stone and put her in a little little jail, and I just shout run to everybody.

Nice.

Okay, like a boom, and then like a bunch of walls show up.

Ron pulls out his diary.

Dear diary:

there is the friend zone, and there are war zones, and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

The end.

The end!

The end!

Thank you, Brian!

Thank you!

dungeons and dads is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Burgess, RDM, Will Campos is Henry Oak, Beth May, as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close.

Our theme song is All Right by Max Sim Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashie Nicola is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Esterls is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

If you like that live show and want to hear more, more bonus content, access to our community Discord, ad-free episodes, and more, that's all over at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

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Thanks so much.

Our website is dungeonsandaddies.com.

Our next episode is going to be coming out February 27th.

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