S2 Ep. 50 - Larry the Capable Guy

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Blow Holgen podcast.

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The Blow Holcan Experience.

Train by Day!

Blow Hogan podcast by night!

All day!

Wow, shucks.

Thanks, Blow Hol.

I don't know if I could live up to that intro.

Yeah, so, I mean, me and my friends, we all snuck into heaven because we're trying to get our friend the doodler out.

A real asshole named Willie Stampler stole them.

And Willie's like God now.

That's why.

Oh.

Well, okay, once I don't know if that's true.

Why does it matter if I'm vaccinated or not?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, instead, a loose citizens podcast.

You're under arrest.

I'm performing a citizens podcast about you.

We were discussing citizens' arrest right before we started recording.

This is not a citizen's arrest podcast, nor is it a sovereign citizen podcast.

It's a star citizen podcast about the new Bethesda RBG.

This is.

oh that's starfield william oh no the star citizen's the other one

star citizen is in like in second grade when you do your best behavior and you get a star this is dungeons dragons podcast about four teens from our world psych they're from another world but they're back in our world trying to fix all the mistakes that their grandparents made my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift the tiefling rogue the sneakiest of the sneaks uh that's who i play okay master of darkness yes taylor like really a tiefling tiefling?

No.

Well, I said him as tiefling because it's like his dad is half, right?

Yeah, it's like Martin.

Yeah, Martin wasn't a T-fling, but he was a T-fling.

Oh, I see.

No, but you're right.

You actually are like half demon.

Like, you actually are like a quarter demon.

So I'm so quarter demon.

Do you have like, does Taylor have like a little tail?

Oh, not yet.

That hasn't hit puberty yet.

He hasn't hit puberty yet?

Well, no, hold on.

We're getting all the Taylor lore mixed up.

Wow, I'm digging deep.

I said, well, no, no, no, sorry.

Sorry, you're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

He hasn't hit demon puberty yet.

He's hit human puberty, but then demon puberty comes up.

They all shark growing where they weren't before.

He hits at 19.

You know,

that crazy year.

All right.

Taylor's teen fact for this week.

As we left Taylor, he's now faced with the task of talking to a guy to convince him to change his name.

Taylor is no stranger to store-to-door salesmanship.

He did the chocolate.

You know, remember that

band candy he had to sell for his baseball team?

He got all hyped up to go do it.

And then he was just like, All right, mom, I'm gonna go.

She's like, No, I'll just, I'll just buy it all.

He's like, Okay, so that's his entire salesman experience, which is his mom stepped in to buy all the candy he was going to sell.

Well, you just fucked yourself out of getting persuasion advantage.

I wasn't going to get it anyway, motherfucker.

All right, I wasn't going to get it anyway because I'm true to my character.

I yield the remainder of my time.

Hey, watch it.

Hey, everybody, I'm Matthew Arnold.

I play Lincoln Lee, Wilson, Oaks, Garcia,

Marlow, Close.

Wait, Swift?

I think Swallows is in there somewhere too.

Swallows is in there.

Hermie, what's Hermes' last name?

The unworthy name.

He's dead.

He's dead.

He certainly is.

Yep.

Anyways, he's the schooled at home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group.

Really, really simple.

I just want to get into the episode.

I just want to have some fun.

So it's just a simple fact, also because I feel like the latest facts have been pretty dark for Link.

So I just want to say

again, Link wakes up really early so he can play soccer and he also sneaks into his dad's rooms and he cleans up.

He just cleans up for them every single morning.

Are they sleeping?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He just like he strains out of the room.

And Marco and Grant both think the other one does it.

Like neither of them know that Lincoln always comes into the room and like puts their clothes away and wipes down their bed because he just wants to show the dad's head.

What?

Huh?

Wipes down the counter, you know.

That's not what you said.

Why don't you move wandering into your parents' bedroom first thing in the middle?

Early morning, huh?

I agree.

Nothing's happened yet, but you never know.

But yeah, their marriage is not going well.

Marco and Grandpa just think it's like, man, Grant, that's so nice.

He's single-handedly keeping the marriage together.

Yeah, without that, it'd be gone.

That's the only thing that's.

But yeah, that's what he does.

Wow.

Sweet kid.

Oh, that's very cute.

Can I ask really quick, just as a procedural question, does he use like the disposable Swiffer?

Oh, so like Marco and Grant aren't animals.

What do you think the actor sexy just like throws stuff on the ground?

Anybody who has kids, like, you never know when your kid's going to walk into your room.

Yeah.

Does he use like the disposable Swiffers or does he use like reusable towels?

Is he green?

You know?

Oh, he's not green at all.

Oh, yeah.

He's like the Lysol white.

Yeah, they definitely are both like, we have a lot of laundry going on.

These towels.

There's so many towels in the laundry.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I play Normally Lee Oaks, Wallace, Garcia, the Unworthy, Close, Marlowe Wilson, Tinker Taylor, Soldiers by.

He's a perky peppy, chipper cherry, Schoolsberry, mascot kid.

Fun fact about Normal this week.

I had another one planned, but inspired by Freddy's band candy story.

I feel like Normal is also deep into the band candy game.

I think it was an opposite thing.

Like, Normal talked a huge game about, he was like, I'm going to sell so much of this shit.

I'm going to fucking move so much product and like got in way too deep and has like an order of like 50,000 band candy chocolates like just dangling over his head.

And he's just been fucking ducked.

He can't sell to anybody.

And it's like not vegan chocolate.

So his parents won't even buy it off of him.

So he's just been like fucking in debt.

That's his student debt.

That's his student debt.

That's so funny that he's like, he took out a loan from the bank under his dad's name.

He used his dad's name and his like fucking social security card to rack up a huge loan his parents don't know anything about and he's got like just a huge crate of band candy sitting under the house he's trying to figure out how to flip it damn and that's why our merch drawer is down

yes yes who's scp sell candy

hi i'm beth may and i play scary marlow a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks scary's currently playing larry the science kid.

Larry Fact.

Larry Fact.

I'll do a Larry Fact.

Was this supposed to rhyme with Scary?

Oh, this is cool.

Beth is a poet, Will.

That's an important lore question.

She's Silverstinian.

Is there like a real Larry that she's replicating off?

Like, she's like, oh, I'm going to pretend to be Larry.

I'll let you behind the curtain for a moment.

Larry is based solely on a tweet that Freddy just saw, but it's been in my mind for a while now because this tweet is so heinous.

And it's a reply tweet to Elon Musk.

Um, and I based Larry completely on that.

Okay, well, still, it wasn't

a kid in the school.

No, Larry's not, okay, yeah, so we don't know.

Well, just I don't know, maybe Anthony would be able to get a little bit of a mess.

We're gonna be shocked if we see Larry here.

That's what I mean.

Like, maybe Anthony would bring the real Larry, and then that'd be a good idea.

I think that headed him off at the past.

That could have been, that could have been that would have been a funny joke to bring in later on, but I'm glad you preemptively anti-improved me.

And then you could have had a classic, like, which one do I shoot?

Exactly, yeah.

What a fun episode that would have been.

Which one do I shoot?

One is scary.

Another is the kid Larry, we all know.

Which one do we shoot?

What a dilemma.

This is the lore behind Larry.

Elon Musk tweeted, I don't like the taste or effects of most alcohol, but there is something quite beautiful about red wine in a fine glass.

And somebody replied.

Somebody replied to Elon saying, I remember pouring you a glass at a friend's house in SF after another mutual friend's wedding in 17.

I was decanting another.

You didn't want to wait.

Honey Badger drinks drinks when he wants.

I made the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1 a.m.

And I'm like, that's who Larry is.

Dude, Larry.

This kid has a different flavor than I thought.

How did he go from that to me?

Like, he's the science kid.

I don't remember, but

I love Maggie.

But that felt scary this week is that before the release of her hit album that is now available, Sophomore Slump.

Available on our Patreon and for digital download at patreon.com/slash dungeons and dads.

Empire Bay.

Before that, Scary actually had the idea of writing a musical, a softboy musical, but then realized that was his dear Evan Hansen.

Fucking got him.

Fun fact about Larry is that Larry's favorite show is the Big Bang Theory.

Not because it's so funny, which it is, but because it deals with an important scientific principle.

What's the name of Larry's album?

When's Larry's album coming up?

It's called A Theory of Everything.

Yes.

Love it.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I'm your dad.

I dad.

I'm only realizing now at the end of the series, I probably should have come up with something other than I'm your dad, like I'm your chaperone or something.

No, you're a teenager.

You told our dad.

Teens have dads.

Yeah.

I guess so.

It's actually more fitting that you're our dad.

Yeah, or it would have been like, but dads have dads too.

So you know what?

If anything, it shows the difference between the relationship of the audience.

But, like, in the first season, you were saying, I'm your dad, you're talking to the audience, like, I'm your dad.

Yeah, here, you're saying it to us, yeah, it's nice and close.

I like it, I like that you're my dad.

You adopted all of us, yeah, you adopted us.

That's true.

I guess I'm feeling a little weird about this episode because it might be the final episode and it might not be.

Wait, what?

Will what?

Don't say that!

What the fuck?

Well, I don't know because you guys, depending on how this fight goes, depending on what you do with Willie, who knows?

It might be delightful.

It might not be.

There's so much I think I need to do.

I don't know.

Ben, that's like your teenage years.

They just hit you.

What happens?

As we go, boy.

One day you had your last sleep over that whole thing.

When we last left the group, you were basically in a multi-pronged.

I feel like they're challenged.

I'm going to do everything I can to make this the last episode.

No, you're not going to.

If anything, it should be the opposite.

Fucking stretch that shit out.

Like Taffy, baby.

When we last left you, you were part of a multi-pronged assault on heaven.

Fuck yeah, that sounds so so sick.

That's such a kind way of saying that.

It's so much more deliberate than what happened.

Normal and link used alternating hover boots and destiny style clipping into the wall jumping puzzles in order to get up to the wall of heaven where they are currently standing.

They can see into it.

They're sitting on a wall that's

part of the attack, as we called it.

Perimeter secure.

Scary has disguised herself as Larry the science kid, who has currently gotten in good with Willie, who really admires the way that Larry is just completely subservient to him.

And his knowledge of the periodic table.

Yep.

Taylor is currently in an ocean of paperwork and has just found the name Vincent Spellfeather on a particular piece of paper and is planning to convince Vincent Spellfeather because only the person whose name is on the piece of paper can change the name to Willie Stampler so that he can subvert the collar that is around dude that reads, I have to follow Willie Stampler's instructions to the letter.

And there's another Willie Stampler's alive because Willie Stampler killed all the other Willie Stamplers.

Yes, all other Willie Stampler.

Including the one.

Including a baby that was just named Willie Stampler because he's the bad guy.

He absorbed them at the very least in the angels.

Maybe they're not dead.

Maybe all the babies are fine.

Oh, you're saying maybe he has all the power.

Just like in Jetly.

Just like in Jetland's the one.

So yeah, I guess you're still all separate.

We're still technically in three different parties.

So I leave it to you who we would like to pick up with first.

So the last thing that happened was the stinky boys made it to the top of the wall.

Scary.

Can we see?

That's right.

You're stinky now, too.

Yeah.

Can we see Taylor?

SEAL team stink.

Sure.

Can we just like watch Taylor specifically?

You know, like in the Harry Potter movies, when it looks really dumb when they like teleported, they like the kids that teleported well, they kind of like walk in the air, like slowly floating down to the ground.

Can we do that?

Can we just walk down to the fuck are you talking about?

No, I know, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Unfortunately, I know that it's in the fourth Harry Potter movie, and it's like when they're they touch the port key and

the adults are able to like run through the air, but they still look hella stupid and the kids just slam into the ground.

Yeah, the CG is like, clearly they're just running on a tribute on a green screen and they just kind of like levitate them down to the ground i'm just like can we just like float walk to taylor is my point uh you would you could do it you'd have to pass a stealth check to get past the angels that are currently

floating over heaven looking everywhere like a bunch of security cameras what the angel situation is yeah so there are they yeah what's going on they're currently in the throne of god where willie is sitting there are eight angels surrounding him and the doodler everywhere else around heaven there are scattered angels here and there basically looking back and forth like security cameras in a metal gear solid game so wherever you go you're gonna have to be a little bit sneaky to avoid getting spotted by the angels.

All right.

Well, we just avoid it.

Okay.

I'm like in all this games, it's really easy to just avoid it.

You just wait for them to look away.

Yeah.

What's up, Norm?

So it feels like Taylor's got something going on.

Yeah, I see him over there.

He's got like a paper.

He looks pretty excited.

Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but it looks great.

I haven't seen Scary.

I don't know where Scary is.

There's a cool team talking to Willie.

I don't know what that's about, but it feels like you and I don't have anything going on.

I mean, we're what?

What do you mean?

Norm, on to Evan now?

I mean, but we're just kind of sitting here right now.

We just got here.

We just need, I just need a rest.

It's like, fine.

Okay.

Well,

let's go to.

It looks like Taylor's got something.

We just got to get to the other side.

Do we go find out what Taylor's got going?

I was just going to be like, you know, we could also figure out something to have going on if you want to do that.

Or we could just get in on whatever Taylor's got going on.

I mean, I'm looking around.

This looks like Willie's pretty strong over there.

And it looks like angels are everywhere.

I feel like the sooner we can all get together.

And I mean, I want to find Scary if we can know where Scary is.

Yeah, maybe Taylor knows where Scary is.

Yeah, maybe it's Taylor.

Oh, yeah, because that's all the names.

And And, like, there's a lot of names there, but I think I remember again, like, Chester and his wife taught me a few things.

So, like, maybe I'll.

What do they teach you?

A lot of, I mean, I'm honestly just like, just like really thinking about yourself and, like, what you really want to do with your life.

Because, like, they've lived for a long time.

Really?

How long have you lived for?

I mean, forever, as far as I'm concerned.

Longer than captivity.

I'll tell you that much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyways, like, they seem happy, even though all they do is just read papers.

I was like, that's a big deal.

Yeah, what's up?

Are you happy?

Well, no, of course not.

That's a silly question.

Nobody's happy.

I mean,

have you been happy before, do you think?

I mean, there's like moments when like I'm like kicking a soccer ball or like you guys say that something was cool I did that like I feel like pretty cool.

So like that's good.

That's happy.

Whoa, that's a heavy question in heaven.

Like we're in heaven right now.

Let's just, you know, okay, is this by we don't have much going on?

Is this what you mean?

Cause like we could we gotta go

like you're like, you know, I just I know we got a lot going on, but you know, I just want to get in there sometimes and dig around and see what's going on.

No, I appreciate that.

No, no, it's totally cool.

I think it's something I'm going to have to deal with.

Yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, here's what we're going to do.

You know, like, if there's like a, like, you have like a dinner party, your dad's having a dinner party, and you like drop a glass and it's broken, and you're like, I guess I could probably fix this glass, but it's going to take a long time.

I definitely can't do it at the dinner party.

So, like, I'm definitely like that glass.

Wow.

Like, I'm broken.

How many pieces do you think?

Well, like, we got a dinner party.

This is really interesting.

I don't know, but we got like a dinner party.

So you're right.

Yeah, let's get it.

We'll figure it out later.

And honestly, we'll probably just throw it in the trash because, like, who cares about fixing a glass?

So, like, let's, let's, uh, let's, let's, so, let's go.

Okay, let's go find.

I want to give you this.

And I pull out a sticker from my pocket.

Ooh.

And it's a sticker.

Just a little cut up sticker of an octopus.

People say that.

I can't stop liking stickers after the age of five, but I disagree.

Yeah.

I'm always down for a sticker.

This is the toctopus.

And anytime you want to talk to me, you just, you know, you just show me the sticker.

We'll check in on this.

Okay.

You can put the sticker on something or just leave it on the sleeve.

Why do I lose the sticker?

Can I still talk to you?

You can still do it.

Oh, just tell me you lost the Talk to Post, but you want to talk.

Okay, that's fine.

Okay, just, you know, but there, there it is.

All right.

All right.

Well, let's go find Taylor.

Yeah, let's hover down.

So you hover down to the surface of heaven.

Oh, shit, we were supposed to stealth and stuff.

Oh, before I do that, Anthony, I want to.

I was like, maybe while we're talking, I was going to give you an opportunity to stealth right there.

Okay.

I was going to say, while all that was going on, Normal was also reconnoitering to see if I could memorize the.

So you were half listening to your friend.

Thank you.

Happy or what?

So hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, here's the sticker.

Just talk to the sticker whenever you want to talk to me.

I'm busy.

I wanted to be there for Link, but I also wanted to look like I was in casual conversation for any suspicious angels going around while also trying to clock like what their little scouting patterns might be.

So we can see that.

Yeah, in fact, Link was also only half listening.

I was also scouting.

All right.

Combined, I think that means both of you get an either a perception or investigation check if you want.

Okay.

Okay.

To catch their pattern.

Well, I got a 21%.

I got a 20.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

So great.

So it means you're going to get an advantage on your.

I can both percept and invest what's going on.

Yes, we exactly know what's happening.

You can roll advantage on your stealth check to get past

the angels.

But both of us are trying to pretend like we weren't.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're both like, oh, yeah, yeah, let's just be sneaky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're just pretending like we weren't doing that.

I got 19 stealth.

Ooh, good thing I rolled that advantage.

Yeah, that was without advantage.

With a 19 stealth, you managed to pass without trace past the angels link.

With your 12 normal, you begin to pass without trace through the clouds of heaven but you stumble on a slightly harder cloud and you face plant on the ground and if you stay still

there's a chance they won't see you but the angel is now looking directly in your area and there's sort of fog of a cloud rolling over you and it's right in your eye

move don't move come on without me no i'm gonna look around for like live a happy life what i've give you an octopus to somebody you love share your feelings okay well

i'll be fine okay stop okay i'll do all those things i promise.

Shut up.

Stay still.

And I'll go do those things, okay?

Wink.

And then.

I'm face planted on the ground.

I can't look up.

Did you just say wink, or did you wink so loud it sounded like you said?

Well, I said it because I knew you weren't looking at me, so you wouldn't see my face.

Wait, are these the angels that are around like me and Willie?

They are the same type of angel, but they are not literally those angels.

There are eight angels that are stationary around you and Willie.

There are other angels around heaven that are just patrolling.

I want to look for something that I can throw to distract the angel.

Okay.

What kind of stuff do you think you might find in heaven in the low?

I know what I'm going to do.

The seven people you throw in heaven.

I'm going to turn on, if that's how it works, I'm going to take off my hover boot now that we're on the ground.

Okay.

I'm going to turn on a full blast.

I'm just trying to get to that 20-foot range, you know?

And I'm pushing it down, you know, like two magnets against each other.

I'm pushing it against like a 45-degree angle somewhere, some pillar.

I'm just going to let it go so the boot goes and goes like flying.

Okay, sure, that's fine.

Yeah, so you find an alabaster pillar and you push the

boots of levitation.

You push the boot of levitation against it.

And just like you said, it's magnetized in a way.

It's trying to resist the urge to touch.

It really wants to get 20 feet in the air.

It really wants to lights on it, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm shooting it like right past the angel, so it like flies past it.

That's great.

So give me an advantaged dexterity check to make sure it doesn't like slip out of your hands while you're trying to do this.

Can I do strength?

Because it's like how hard I go.

Yeah, because it's hard.

Yeah.

Because it's strong move.

Actually, can I do dexterity?

Because I better have dexterity.

Yeah.

I mean, my thing made more sense for the 100.

Good save, Matt.

Good save, dude.

It's an 11.

Oh, I got advantage of it, right.

You said, hell yeah.

Because it's a good idea.

It's a 14.

Okay, so I think a 14 will send the boot of levitation way into the distance.

So now you've lost that boot of levitation for good because it disappears into the clouds.

But at the very least, the motion passing past the angel's field of view makes it go

and it turns and follows that

in that moment.

Normal's going to scurry into where Link is, into what hiding space.

See, you are together now hiding against the alabaster picture.

I like the idea that the angel's like, what was that?

And then what was his noise?

Must have been a boot.

Yeah.

Must have been nothing.

Must have been a boot of levitation.

So now there is basically a clear shot between you and the ocean of paper if you want to try to get to Taylor.

Do we see Taylor?

Yeah.

Taylor is currently like top-tier stealth within the ocean because he landed so properly.

A whisper of Taylor.

Taylor is just a phantasm, a ghost in the machine.

You hear him in the rustling of the paper.

Taylor's a ghost between the lines.

No.

I want to put my lips up.

Do you hear a whisper of Taylor?

Like, Taylor.

I want to put my lips up to the shore of the paper.

Okay.

Your lips?

Yeah, like I'm going to whisper into like, you know, like you're whispering into the water.

I'm going to whisper.

Yeah, you know the thing we all do.

You know when you whisper into the water?

Were you an old woman who lost her husband at sea 40 years ago?

And I go, and I go, and I go.

Bring him back to me.

And I go, anime is not a real art form.

All right, now you have to make a disadvantaged stealth roll, Taylor.

I want to call him to us.

I want to buy because he's in this Pacific Ocean of you're going to hear it no matter what, but it's a wisdom-saving throw to see if you can stop yourself from killing freaking the fuck out and making a really loud noise.

Natural one, okay?

No, no, I just from across

the ocean.

What?

Taylor goes super saiyan and launches into the sky.

No, you know what it is.

You see, you know how like Bugs Bunny when he goes under the ground, and it's like that.

Yeah, the mound is moving around.

You just see a mound of paper,

something's coming, Link.

And then all of a sudden,

our last hope.

All of a sudden, the mound disappears, and they they go, nothing personnel, kid.

And I'm right behind you.

I have a knife up to your throat.

Oh, my God.

You say that one more time.

We screamed loudly.

So

the angel who got distracted by the boot, then immediately like,

an exclamation point appears above its head.

I'm like a normal.

And I go, boot, because you have a boot too.

All right, I'm going to try to do the boost thing.

I mean, it is looking directly in your location, so you're going to get into a disadvantage.

I'm going to try to to jeet my boot into its eye.

Okay, make it range attack there.

What's funny about this is that this is a what, like a specifically accuracy-related foot thing.

It's too bad that, uh, Matt, you're not doing that.

Oh, yeah.

I got an 11.

Okay, so with an 11, I go, get a load of this, yeah, and then I shoot the boot at it.

The boot goes

and just kind of like bounces off of its eye, and it just like narrows its eye at you and starts pursuing you.

It's gonna coming at you, its pupil begins to dilate and enlarge, and you can tell that it is going to try to swallow you into itself.

Hold hands and let's just swim.

Like, if there's bees attacking you, you go in the water.

Into the papers, everybody.

Into the papers, everyone.

But hold hands so we don't get lost.

Okay, great.

You disappear into the ocean of papers, much like your money should disappear into the products and services that are offered by all the lovely companies that advertise with us, dungeonsandadies.com.

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by Pretty Litter.

Wait, guys, I got one for you.

Okay.

Pretty litter.

My cat's got a pee through.

And it's not smelly, pretty litter.

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Wait, can the angel go on the...

You're about to find out.

Oh, okay.

So yeah, go ahead and roll initiative, please.

20.

Wow.

Yeah, I get plus three initiative.

21, fuckers.

That's good.

We're on the same 14.

14.

Congratulations.

You can say the biggest number.

Is that from something?

It's a succession.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was really good.

So, Taylor, you get to go first.

You can sort of sense that the angel is scanning the surface of the ocean of paperwork, trying to find you, and that on its turn, it is going to make a check basically to find you.

And if it succeeds, it is going to start attacking you.

Is it just observation?

Is this how this angel is finding me?

Yeah, just looking with its big-ass eye.

Okay, okay.

So I'm going to hold my breath and sink deeper into the papers.

Okay.

I'm big.

Feels like that's a constitution saving throw to see if you can disappear under the paper without losing your breath.

Four plus three, seven.

Okay, so you immediately

and

a confetti.

I'm like, cat, cat.

Yeah, you get a paper cut in your throat.

Oh,

yeah, yeah.

That's real.

That happens.

I'm going to say that was your movement if you want to try to do something else.

Okay, in that case.

They still went further down, but you made noise.

I'm going to do panache.

I'm going to roll Panache, an action that I have.

As an action, I can make a persuasion check contested by a creature's insight check.

Okay.

On success, a hostile creature has disadvantaged on attack rolls against targets and can't make opportunity attacks on targets other than me for a minute until one of my allies engages it or gets more than 60 feet.

If it isn't hostile, it's charmed, but it sounds like it's hostile.

It is hostile.

I'm rolling a persuasion against your insight.

Yes.

And I've rolled a 11.

I rolled a six.

So what is it you do or say to convince it that it wants to attack you above anybody else?

I go, our father,

our Lord in heaven, thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done.

Okay.

I say the Lord's Prayer.

And I hate the Lord's Prayer.

And I cross myself.

No, because then it's just like, this guy checks out.

Oh, you're trying to get it to not attack you.

On the success of hostile creatures, disadvantage on attack rolls against targets.

Right.

But it sounds like he also can't do opportunity.

He's got to focus on you.

It's got to focus on me because I'm clearly one of God's creatures.

You're one of God's children.

Yeah.

So God's children are not for sale.

And he's confused by

you saying the Lord's prayer.

So if he does try to attack you, he'll have disadvantage.

Correct.

And or track anybody else.

Oh, no.

And really quick, sorry.

He can't do opportunity attacks against us.

Correct.

Correct.

Correct.

Correct.

All right.

Link, it is your turn.

Are we like underwater?

Like, how are you moving in this?

Yeah.

I feel like this is.

Are we like sinking?

Imagine it's like the ocean.

You're underwater.

You're not sinking naturally unless you like, you know, empty your lungs.

Yeah.

So it's kind of like magical.

Scooch McDuck money situation.

Yeah, okay.

Very much so.

Well, Maris, because I have freedom of movement.

So the angel hasn't gone yet, right?

No, the angel's still looking for you.

Okay.

I'm going to try to sink lower too.

I mean, I'm essentially holding on to Taylor, so I'm following him.

And then I'm going to cast freedom of movement on normal, which is you touch a willing creature.

I'm assuming you're willing for the duration of the target.

Target's movement is unaffected by difficult terrain.

Spells and other magical effects can either reduce the target's speed.

The target can also spend five feet of movement to automatically escape any non-magical restraints, but also being underwater imposes no penalties on the target's movement or attack.

So I feel like, however, we were moving, he can essentially like just walk like, yeah, he just moves at normal speed.

Normal suddenly remembers the two years of synchronized swimming he did.

Nice.

And also, just so that for once, I've done the fucking one.

I feel like he did this alone, too.

You know, I think they did 1812 overture, and normal was the cannonball.

And for you, DD heads, I know the components are a leather strap bound around the arm or a similar appendage.

That's my leather shingard is my component.

Great.

Leather?

This is is how I know components are bullshit, by the way, is that Baldur's Gate 3, the fucking crunchiest D ⁇ D game of all time, does not use it.

It's like, nah, there we go.

There it goes.

Okay, so that was your whole turn?

Yeah, I mean, I moved in the same direction that...

Okay, so you moved in the same direction, then you cast freedom move non-normal.

Yeah.

All right.

It's now the angel's turn.

So the angel heard the Lord's Prayer from this basic direction, and it is going to make a perception check to see if it can spot you.

It got a natural 20.

Oh, no.

So it's going to zoom down and specifically target Taylor because that's what it heard heard last.

And it is going to try to enmesh you in its eyelashes.

So it's going to roll and attack against you with the disadvantage.

What is your AC?

My AC is 12.

So it only got a nine.

So

you managed to barely evade its grasp or you managed to, you know, like fight off its eyelashes with your fists.

But now it's basically close enough to the ocean that it can see.

Effectively that you are holding hands and that you're all connected in one spot.

So when its turn comes around again, it's not going to have to search for you.

It's just going to attack you.

All right.

Now it is normal's turn.

Normal's going to cast blindness on the eye.

Oh, great.

No zany spin on it.

Just a spell.

Just a normal spell.

Is there a save or anything I have to do?

Make a constitution saving throw.

If it fails, the target is either blinded or deafened for the duration.

It saved.

Damn.

Does anything happen when it saves?

No.

I fucking hate D.

Hey, hey, hey, DM.

So you made a...

DM, DM.

You can say whatever you want, baby.

You're the one in charge.

I mean,

I am a slave to the dice.

You know that.

The spell flew at his eye and then the, you know, kind of like.

He he just blinked at the right time.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Blinked it away.

That is, by the way, how it works for me.

Maybe he has like an eyelash in his eye and it's like really annoying.

It's like, ow.

It can like articulate his other eyelashes.

So he has to like, oh, oh, and like pick it out.

Oh, God.

Weird.

It's great.

Love it.

All right, Taylor, it's your turn again.

Okay, so my sense is really quick.

This is a powerful creature, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was wondering, like, if we just kept swimming down, could it swim?

We'll find out.

You could find out, yeah.

Right now you're at the surface.

Normal is also going to use his extra movement to plunge down deeper into the...

great do i need to make a constitution saving throw is that what we're doing for no i think he's got freedom of movement like you just do it and can we breathe down here you know if you were submerged under a bunch of papers like well you can breathe in that ball pit you still breathe yeah i think you specifically don't have to worry about holding your breath i think the others do okay because you have freedom of movement nice don't worry freddie i got another spell slot you're getting that baby too meanwhile willie is like i'll be right back i'm gonna go fuck marilyn my road real quick and then he like goes into his own heaven classic dude all right well i'll be here when you get back cool

Come back soon.

Can you do something else while I'm?

I don't want you just to be sitting there waiting at the beach.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll do whatever you want.

Cool.

Yeah, just look in the other direction.

Oh, you're going to do it right.

No, I'm not going to do it right here.

I'm going to go into a room.

I just don't want the idea of you staring at a door while I'm inside having sex.

I totally get you, bro.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like Kepler's law of planetary motion.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm looking at this elliptical orbit, and you're over here, the sun, my man.

He just silently, slowly closes the door behind him, and you hear horrible sounds of love making it.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.

Beth, doesn't that mean that the throne of heaven, aka the throne of God, is vacated at this moment in time?

Yes.

Interesting.

Interesting indeed.

All right, do you want to get in the initiative order so we can play around with yours scene as well?

Dog, cross-scene initiative.

New boundaries being broken all the time on this podcast.

Go ahead and roll initiative for me, Beth.

I'll get an eight.

Okay.

Okay, back to Taylor.

For my my bonus.

By the way, Willie's just masturbating, right?

Who is having sex with a simulated version of Marilyn Monroe?

He just keeps saying Marilyn Monroe, but he's just in there jerking off, crying.

With my bonus action, very quickly, just tell my compatriots of the plan.

I'm like, guys, look, here's the plan.

We know that dude's got a bracelet on that says, he's got to listen to Willie Sampler.

I found this guy, Vince of Spellfeather.

Okay.

Tells him the plan.

Basically, we're going to try and get this guy to change his name to Willie Sampler.

Okay.

Find him, find him, and convince him, my compatriots.

And then I'm going to start swimming away from the group.

Oh, okay.

Split off.

I'd be like, hey, hey, over here.

Remember, it can only make opportunity attacks against me.

Yep.

So as you move away, it makes an opportunity attack against you.

With disadvantage.

With disadvantage.

It got a 13.

It's going to grab you around the ankle with one of its eyelashes.

Oh, well, no, okay, okay.

And it's going to start to pull you out of the ocean by your ankle.

Taylor!

Wait, I want to do first.

I'm going to do a reaction.

Okay.

I'm going to do while wielding a shield, shield, which we've already said, my shin guards are shields.

You did say used component, though.

Does that use up the shin guard?

How many feet do you think I fucking have?

Yeah, fuck me.

Fair enough.

You can see attacks on a target creature other than you.

You can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll.

It already had disadvantage?

Oh.

Double disadvantage.

Yeah, is there a double disadvantage?

How's that work?

You know the reason.

I think it's a disadvantage is just disadvantage.

Typically, it's a disadvantage, just disadvantage.

Okay.

Well, I can't help you.

Okay.

But I'm still hanging on to you.

I'm trying to swim away.

You're hanging you.

Well, I got to wait for my turn.

So

I can go swim free, my sweet prince.

And I use my other Shin card, I guess, because they get absorbed.

And I give you freedom of movement, too, if you're going to run away.

You already got grabbed by the...

He's already being picked up.

Yeah, I'm already.

Oh, he's getting picked up.

He's already getting picked up.

But if he does get free, he'll be able to get away a lot easier.

Just to clarify, he's getting picked up.

Yeah.

No magic spell.

Just picked up.

Was it like his eyelashes are grabbing him?

Yes, his eyelashes are grabbing him.

Because now, Freddie, you can just simply use movement to get out of it freely, because anything that's non-magical

constraints

you can get away from.

How long does that last?

one hour jesus okay so next time use magic anthony

i'm doing yes i cast freedom of movement on you i'm not gonna swim away from you though so i'm doing freedom of movement and then i mean that's a whole action and i'm just staying within range oh that's okay sick okay so on your turn you can move freely but it's not your turn yet so the angel still has your grasp hey me idiot and i look at the angel and say that so it's going to see if it gets distracted by you

got a natural one so it is distracted by you oh go ahead uh so it has disadvantage against you because of what Taylor, because Taylor did the Lord's Prayer.

So it's going to try to attack you with disadvantage.

Unfortunately, still with disadvantage, it still managed to get an 18.

Okay.

So it's going to lash you around the ankle as well with one of its eyelashes.

And now normal, it is your turn, and you're the only person who's not currently restrained and being pulled out of the ocean by the angel.

I have a spell called locate creature.

Okay.

And it says, describe the name of a creature that is familiar to you.

You have his heaven paperwork.

Yeah, you have the paperwork of his entire life.

So I I would say that's a good idea.

I look at the paperwork.

What does it say?

It basically gives you a biography of his entire life.

Well, I got to get familiar with him.

So, like, you know, we weren't sure how Vincent Spellfeather was born.

Just to clarify, that paper tells you exactly where he is.

Yeah.

Oh, it does?

Yeah.

It's like literally a Dewey Decimal System.

That's how we found that.

I don't need to do the spell.

Okay.

But I do like the idea that you want.

You know, I am curious.

What does it say to me?

Yeah.

How many gallons of piss did he get out?

It's stats.

Oh, just like, oh, yeah, no, yeah.

He peed at least three swimming pools worth of piss in his lifetime.

Wow.

Is that a lot?

I compare it to another one.

Is that high or low?

It's actually kind of low.

He did not drink enough water.

Probably why he died.

Vincent Spellfeather was born in Fayrun before Code Purple, before any of that stuff happened.

He was a wizard who was trying to start his own wizarding school.

One swimming pool.

One swimming pool.

It's all swimming pools.

It's not as much as I would think.

That's what they say.

This guy's a piss legend.

For a whole legend.

Yeah, he triple

piss.

He was specifically a piss-centric.

He was a pissard.

He was trying to find different ways.

He was a piss-omancer.

He was trying to find different ways of using urine to do magical things.

And most of his experimentation involves drinking a lot of water and then seeing if he can manipulate the piss afterwards, like do a piss elemental, like kind of thing.

Oh, he's infusing the piss with his own body.

Yeah, yeah.

He also knew exactly how much he beat because he didn't fill up three pools.

He owned three pools and filled them up.

Hey, let's go to the swim party, not to the spellweathers, though.

Oh, man.

Man, I don't want to go to their house.

Their pool smells.

It's weird.

Somebody pooled in my pee.

So, yeah, nobody ever joined Vincent Spellfeathers School of Magic because of the smell.

And he died alone and destitute, having spent all his money.

I didn't find anybody.

If anything, I would assume that normal family kindred spirit.

Normal's not the piss boy, links the piss boy.

Oh, link's the piss boy, you're right.

He's not a piss boy, he pissed me.

He's a piss boy.

He's a pissed boy.

I can't have this conversation again.

Normal is going to.

Well, we know where he is.

So you two are stuck.

You two are.

Help us.

Don't worry, dude.

We got it.

We got it.

Fuck fine.

I'll cast blindness again.

Second time's a charp.

Boom.

Saved again.

I'm so sorry.

God damn it.

Dude, those lashes, the blinking.

Yeah, just blink.

It's upper lashes

and just knock the spell out of the air.

We're back with Scary.

The The throne of heaven is currently open.

Dude is sitting next to it with their arms crossed.

And next to the other side of it is Cassandra sitting there like Princess Leigh in the original Star Wars poster.

Okay.

Making a sandwich on her lap.

I'm going to.

Really upset look on her face.

She's not psyched about it.

I'm going to eat the sandwich.

Cassandra goes,

I'm not going to make another one.

Oh, don't worry about making another one.

I'll order delivery.

I'm going to make the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1 a.m.

Willie will be back whenever, so I'll just make sure I have a menu of all his favorite spots ready to go.

And I pull something out of my pocket.

It is the zine of truth, and I'm going to cast non-detection on it.

Okay, so non-detection does what?

For the duration, you hide a target that you touch from divination magic.

The target can be a willing creature, a place, or an object.

The target can't be targeted by any divination magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors.

Okay, so I'm going to interpret that as if Willie sees it, he's not going to know that it's magical.

He's going to think it's a normal magazine.

Yes.

And it looks like a journal.

It looks like a journal.

Can you make it look like Marilyn Monroe porno mag so it's more likely to grab it?

Like, can you disguise the magazine?

I mean, it seems like a stretch from what this is.

Yeah.

I mean, it's heaven.

You could like find a Photoshop or something.

It's an heaven.

Like a king.

I log into Heaven Photoshop.

There's going to be a lot of people.

Oh, you find it on top of the Creative Cloud.

Oh, yeah.

All right, inspiration for Taylor.

You find the creative cloud.

This cloud will cost 50 gold a month to you.

You know, you used to be able to just get a cloud.

Isn't it fucked now that we got paid this cloud every month?

All right.

Larry's totally rad compilation of best menus ever, man.

On the cover, but it looks great.

Heaven forbid, no performance to see if it looks great.

Okay.

It's a 22.

Wow.

Okay.

So it absolutely looks like a Zagat's guide to like all the best places to eat in heaven.

Yep.

That is.

There's 10 restaurants in heaven.

You need to try before you.

That.

Oh, no.

That's my turn.

Okay.

We're back to Taylor.

Taylor, you were dangling from the last.

I'm going to use the power of freedom of movement.

I'm going to spend five feet of movement to automatically escape from non-magical restraints, such as slip through so great.

Every creature that has a grapple.

And then in the air, I will then also, Anthony, use my action, elegant maneuver.

I can use a bonus action on my turn to gain advantage on the next acrobats or athletics check you make during the same turn.

So in the air, I go,

and I tuck, and I start doing like backflips, and then I like dive effortlessly into the water.

And it's just like the tiniest splash.

One single piece of paper goes

up into the air.

I will then proceed to use my movement to be like,

and then like, I'm going to like swing my arms in the windmill and kick as hard as as i can and it's like

like you know try and swim away as fast as i can yeah like you have advantage on that acrobatics check or athletics check rather yes go for it that's uh

oh 19 plus 625 jesus you're like the roadrunner a big cloud of fucking papers comes up and then you're just gone so you're like go on with albie i'm gonna distract him they get pulled up and they go

now link is caught

he has free movement no

he spent it on both of us it's now link's turn Link, you are alone.

But Normal's still here.

Well, yeah, but he's alone dangling from the game.

Yeah, I watched Taylor.

Link's not mad.

He looks like Taylor go and he's just happy that his friend's escaping.

Okay, so like, where am I on this eye?

Like, how big is his eye?

90.

Your ankle.

So you're hanging upside down.

He has you by the ankle on a lash.

It's like a rope is tied around your ankle and you're dangling from the game.

Okay.

And his pupil is looking down at me.

And the pupil is the thing that I get absorbed in.

Yes, the pupil is beginning to enlarge as it is going to start to slowly on its turn try to slough you into its pupil.

I knew, I knew this is how I was going to go.

Oh my god.

I'm going to try to, I guess, just cut the things holding me.

Okay.

I don't have daggers.

I'm going to bite them.

Okay.

Give me a.

How do you roll from mouth?

It's like an unarmed strike, right?

Yeah, I was thinking that, but there's got to be something slightly more fun.

That could be a

survival.

Pure survival.

Pure survival.

Yeah, I like survival.

Give me a disadvantaged survival roll.

Disadvantaged.

It's an angel.

It's an 11 and 20.

So I'll take the 20.

Best I can do is 11.

What was the other one?

An 11?

11.

Okay, so an 11, you managed to bite into the angel's eyelash, and it is the single most delicious thing you've ever tasted, confusingly.

Oh, nerds rope, dude.

But you don't bite all the way through it.

Your teeth are just getting...

Leave me, Norm.

Don't come up here.

It's all mine.

It's mine.

Blake, no!

All right, so it is the angel's turn.

The angel is going to place you into its pupil.

What?

Can I fight against that?

Yeah, I'm having it roll for it.

Oh, okay.

All right, so you're going to have to beat a 17.

Of what?

Let's say athletics.

No, I mean, what save am I doing?

I'd say it's an athletics check or dexterity save.

I'm going to do athletics because that's a plus seven.

Jesus.

You're going to go 13.

All right.

No.

You get pressure.

As I'm getting sucked in, I go, Norm, don't eat the lashes.

Whatever you do, don't eat the lashes.

So you get plunged into pure darkness inside of the angel and the angel's pupil.

blinks shut for a second and you are for i guess the third time now plunged into complete and utter darkness just with your feelings and your thoughts and it's not amazing but you are basically i beg to disagree links killing it in there

so you are stuck there now and on your turn you can try to escape it it's going to be very difficult normal is your turn if i pop this eyeball will it kill link i guess there's only one way to find out what would if i wanted to understand the basic anatomy of this thing what would that be i would say that's irconic because it's magical

Okay, well, that's a two, so one.

So I have no idea.

Who knows?

Fuck it.

We're going to go for it.

We're going to hope for the best.

I'm going to cast guiding Bolt.

Okay.

At the seventh level

on this thing, I say, you leave me no choice.

I must free my friend, Guiding Bolt.

And you just hear Lingo, just leave me.

No.

A flash of light, streak swords a creature, make a ranged spell attack against the targets.

I got a 12.

All right.

So 12 is not going to do it.

I'm sorry.

All right, so it is Scary's turn again.

Scary's again.

When do we think?

Well, how far away is

Scary sit on the throne of God and become God?

No, I don't want to get on his bad side.

I mean, yeah, Larry just doesn't want to get on his bad side.

Larry is a man of science.

Larry is a kid of science, doesn't believe in God.

Yeah.

When do we think that Willie will be coming back?

I know he's coming right now.

I'm going to roll for Willie's ability to maintain.

Not very well.

He's coming back next turn.

Oh, no.

No, no, I think he's got enough pride to pretend he stays in there.

He's just staying there with your arms crossed.

Yeah.

He's like, out early.

Yeah.

He's a three-pump child.

That's why he didn't want you looking at the door.

Yeah.

He didn't want you to realize that.

He's just on his phone now, just playing Marvel Snap for a bit.

Arthur Miller, huh?

I'm going to hold my turn.

Taylor, it is your turn again then.

Wait, why is it when you hold your turn if you're at the end?

I'm going to say that we'll just allow Scary to get one more turn in if she wishes before her turn comes up again.

Okay.

What turn?

I'm gone.

Okay, you're gone.

Great.

So you're out of initiative.

You can still do things while you're gone.

No, I'm finding this guy.

I've removed you from initiative order.

You can still do stuff.

You're just not involved with the

angels anymore.

Not even a class back.

That's why Taylor Swift is the fucking killer operator the team needs because he doesn't let emotions get in the way of the fucking job that needs to get done, dude.

But let me ask you this.

I sacrifice myself to just the most God anybody's ever been.

Let me ask you a question, though.

So do I I reach Anthony?

How far do I get?

Do I reach the shore?

Can I get out of the shore?

Yeah, I would say you can manage to get out to the shore while the angel is looking the other direction.

Okay, so my question is this.

I'm just trying to think of like, is there a way that I can call the angels off?

Like, is there like a fire alarm equivalent?

Is there like, you know what I mean?

Like, what is there?

I feel like that would probably be the throne of God.

Yeah, there's only one angel on us.

But the problem is, Scary doesn't know that you guys are in trouble.

Yes, exactly.

So

dramatic.

But like, Scary would want to be on the throne of God, though, regardless.

It's pretty cool.

Being on the throne of God Scary.

Don't make me question my In turn, try to not be the leader, so I don't know.

I'm going to roll to resist the throne of God.

I believe that you don't even need to roll.

Okay.

Like, if Scary went to the Lincoln Monument, would you be like, I'm going to climb up on the chair of Lincoln?

Onto Lincoln's lap.

That's the most Matt Arnold thing in your show.

Like, we all would.

Wouldn't you just want to be part of the greatest American president of all time?

Lincoln's lap.

Like, what do you want to do?

Lincoln's about being a troublemaker.

Like, when you went to museums, I always wanted to just climb everything.

I just want to climb stuff.

All right, so you're not going to see anything that's going to allow you to call the angel off.

So

you can book it for Vincent's belt.

There are any dolphins?

No, they're outside.

No, they're all outside.

It's just paper.

Go find Vincent.

Yeah, I'm going to just find the file.

Find the piss wizard.

Yeah, I'm going to find piss wizard Vincent Spellfeather.

Okay.

Give me a stealth roll because they're still angels patrolling.

Executing phase two of the mission.

Your stealth check is 30?

Yeah, I got a stealth check at 30, dude.

Wow.

18 plus 12.

And here's how I'm going to stealth myself out, okay?

As I get up, you know what I see?

I see like a room service cart that was like a spaghetti room service cart.

You know?

this is the second

third cart.

This is the third.

This is every time.

Why don't you just make a beat?

He's not casting darkness.

He's hiding in a cart.

Well, so this is a room service cart full of spaghetti and the meatballs.

And so I'm going to use that to stealth in.

Great.

What it is.

Here's what you would think, Matt.

You would think.

Italian waiter being like, I can't wait to do the parmesan and then judge someone when they don't say, no, I'm good after a long enough time with the parmesan.

You'd think that, Will, but unfortunately, everyone in heaven is outside.

So it's just a cart moving on to the bottom.

Unfortunately, there's no Italians in it.

They go to Italian heaven.

It's nothing.

What do they do in Italian?

It's just hell.

That's what they call it.

Yeah, a spicy heaven would just be hell.

Fucking Sism is pushing a big meatball.

Italian hell is them having to sit and watch people make spaghetti carbonara with fucking olive oil and coconut.

When you're here, you're enemy.

You have to watch The Godfather 3.

Okay, so yes,

we can perfectly dive into the Olive Garden cart.

And the cart that momentum just gives you a lot of money.

Yes, momentum carries you deep into the annals of the heaven, sort of

like Taylor checking maze of heaven doors.

TJ Taylor checking in, currently motivating self towards the target over, not talking to anybody.

Yeah, that's what you hear.

Yeah, he's just pumped.

All right, so you managed to get into the maze of heaven doors, and you have the paper in hand, so you know exactly where Vincent Spellfeather is.

Thumbtack presents.

Uncertainty strikes.

I was surrounded.

The aisle and the options were closing in.

There were paint rollers, satin and matte finish, angle brushes, and natural bristles.

There were too many choices.

What if I never got my living room painted?

What if I couldn't figure out what type of paint to use?

What if

I just used thumbtack?

I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Link, give me a con save.

Constitution save.

We're going to be looking for a lot of those in 2024, am I right?

It's like John Oliver is here.

Oh, natural 21.

I love this country.

Let's do it.

Wait, natural 20 plus ones.

All right, great.

Natural 21.

So you take no damage from being within the inside of the

ancient pure soul, dog.

Yeah.

Your love of Abraham Lincoln and your desire to sit on his lap

protects you from the acidic darkness that is the angels in the skin to you.

Lincoln has no love for Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln is just listening and to seeing if he can get it.

There's no love for Abraham Lincoln.

That's even more problematic.

I would never sit on Abraham Lincoln's lap, but I would sit on like Lincoln's lap.

No, in the Tim Burton planet of the apes, when it's

apecino.

Ape Lincoln?

I would sit on that lap.

Okay, there you go.

All right.

Lincoln's not thinking about Abraham Lincoln.

He's listening to hear if his friends are getting killed.

And upon hearing nothing, he's taking comfort in that.

It's just

I'm going to remove you from the initiative as well.

Nice.

The angel is going to use its turn to zoom up into the air and return to Willie.

Can I get a chance to do one thing before it leaves the area of combat?

I'll give you something that is equivalent to or less cool than an opportunity attack.

Okay.

I'm going to.

Equivalent to or cool.

It gets an action via casting a spell.

What's the spell?

Command.

Yeah, that doesn't feel like a reaction.

That feels like a thing on your turn.

You know what I'll say?

I'll say it gets far enough away that it can still hear the command on its turn.

So you have a turn before it gets out of hearing.

That's all I want.

Yeah.

The command is drop it.

Spit him out.

Hey.

Hey, leave it.

Leave it.

Stop it.

Leave it.

Okay, it is your turn now.

It's 60 feet away.

It sprinted.

It flew sprinted away, but it can still hear what you're saying.

So go ahead and command is a what, a save?

Wisdom 16.

Wisdom 16.

grow.

You can come and look at it, but it is a 15, and I feel like it's an angel, so it gets like a plus one wisdom.

I'm sorry.

Chat GPT, are angels wise?

So it turns and looks back at you, and then is going to make a decision of whether it wants to get you or not.

The answer, by the way, yes, they are beings of great wisdom, everybody.

Yeah, sorry.

So with a natural 20, it's going to decide, nah, he's not worth it, and it's going to fly.

Because I didn't do shit to it for

five turns.

It doesn't consider you as much of a threat.

All right, so I feel like we are now out of initiative.

So the...

You've split the party into four groups.

Into four groups.

Yeah.

You made it so much easier.

I think you're about to get connected with Larry.

Yes, you are.

Willie comes out of the door that he just entered disgustingly sweaty.

It wasn't too much work either.

Yeah.

It was a whole lot.

It was like, it was like hours I was in there, like whatever time it felt like in here.

It was like triple that in there.

It's a time dilation thing.

Sir, you've been gone so long.

Oh, really?

Oh, man.

It's at least triple that.

I won't be shaking your hand, but I'd like a fist bump if that's okay.

That'll make your whole hand smell.

Oh, that's awesome, dude.

Fuck, dude.

These fist bumps you, and it's disgusting.

It's, yeah, whatever.

Cool.

So,

I bet you're fucking hungry after that performance, right?

Oh, God, yeah, and thirsty, too.

Well,

Kazzi, where's that sandwich?

Bad news, you know me.

I just get like accustomed to these evil forcings, and I like ate that sandwich, bro.

I out-broed you, bro.

I'm so sorry.

It was a real bro crime, bro.

I'm bro crime.

You hate to see it, bro.

Roll persuasion to see if he's not going to hold that deeply against you.

Because my mom makes great sandwiches guys i like to think this is larry's idea of what a science guy is that's the 27 wow whoa game recognized game with a sweat stained finger he pokes you in the chest he goes i like that initiative you saw what you wanted and you took it

well i mean you're the one who's worked up a sweat so why don't you take a look at the special curated menu and see if there's anything you'd like to order okay and i hand them the notebook okay the zine of truth would you like to describe what the zine of truth does yes the zine of truth a composition notebook covered in stickers and sharpie marks.

When open, the individual that opens the zine must make a wisdom saving throw of 15.

On a failed save, the individual is immediately compelled to write their deepest, darkest secret on the first unmarked page and give it back to the person that gave it to them.

On a successful save, the individual takes 1d4 psychic damage from the cringy things others have written in the notebook.

He just writes, I masturbated for 20 seconds to have sex with Marilyn.

I live in Sex Marilyn.

I did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe.

Because you've had such a good role.

I'm going to say he's going to write a couple of things because some of these will be useful and some of them probably will not be.

He writes, I tried to kill my son.

He writes, I will do anything to not be submerged in water ever again.

And he writes, I did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe.

I could not get it up.

Oh, no.

So I stood there and had her say mean things to me for a couple hours.

And then I jerked off.

And he hands it back to you.

And he goes, what was that?

Oh, why did I just do that?

I don't know, bro.

It might be something to do with the law of attraction, you know?

That's a scientific

or

Heisenberg's uncertainty principle.

Give me that.

Give me that back.

I don't want you to have that.

Oh, you don't want it.

You don't.

No, I don't know why, but I just felt the need to unburden myself.

And I just, I, I, I,

cool guys don't share feelings with other people.

Give it back, please.

Um, have I looked at what's on it?

I think you probably didn't have time.

You could do it right now.

He'd be seeing you look at it.

You could do it right now.

Okay, sure.

I'll look at it.

You see everything that I just told you.

And he goes, what?

Give it back.

Dude, get it back for me.

And dude is going to descend one step and reach out a purple tendril and just yank it out of your hands.

Okay, word.

Yeah.

No, I mean, um, hey, bro.

When dude gets it, dude opens it up and writes, I'm scared, and then closes it.

Oh,

hey, dude, what did you write?

I don't know.

Oh, you can tell me.

No, I'm a bad girl.

I'm doing bad girl stuff, so I don't want to talk about it.

I'm just here to support Willie.

Yeah, me too.

As you're saying this, an angel descends and opens its eye and spits a no worse for where, Lincoln Lee Wilson onto the clouds in front of Willie.

So what were you going to say?

Nothing.

You know, sometimes it's better to be seen and not heard, my bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm going to go ahead and keep this and he pockets the notebook.

Oh, it's Lincoln.

It's Lincoln.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody.

It's the Piss King.

Round applause for the Piss King, everybody.

And all the eyelids

put their lashes together.

Link is still in his fetal position.

He's just closed his eyes.

So he just landed and he hasn't moved or done anything.

So can you still tell it's Lincoln?

Can you still tell it is Lincoln?

Yeah, my eyes are...

Matt Arnold operating off peekaboo rules.

They can't see me.

Yes, he knows that it is you, Lincoln.

I was wondering if I'm slimy, if it just looked like a big phlegm shot out or something.

No, it just looks like you just rolled.

You just perfectly rolled out dry in fetal position and then like tumbled to the ground.

Damn, looks like somebody's suffering the effects of the universal law of gravitation.

Okay, I got it.

You're very smart.

Angels, I don't need him.

Oh, no, no, I'm good, bro.

I'll watch this guy.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, whatever.

He doesn't do shit.

Yeah, you messed up, man.

And if he does, I'll kill him.

Well, okay.

Hey, hi.

Who are you?

I'm Larry.

And if you don't like that, then fuck off.

Oh, because Honey Badger drinks when he wants and hangs out

whoever he wants.

Do we go to the same school?

Nope.

Okay.

So Willie nods and puts his hand on your shoulder and he goes, Honey Badger does drink whenever he wants.

This kid's fucking going places unlike you and all your stupid friends.

So why don't you tell me where they are?

Because I'm assuming, what, you're part of some sort of last-ditch effort to save your family or something like that?

Where are they, kid?

Come on.

You go find them.

I'm not going to help you.

Okay, fine.

Go ahead and put him in the...

No, you don't want to do that, though.

No.

I'll watch him.

I'll watch him.

Go ahead and roll persuasion

to see.

Larry!

Larry!

I feel like come on!

Roll persuasion with disadvantage because it doesn't make any sense that he would do this.

Larry, though, I believe in you.

A nine.

All right.

So the nine he goes, Larry, it's time to let the adults take care of this.

Willie snaps his finger at the angels.

The angels conjure a door behind you, link, and the door opens, and it's an empty cell with padded walls.

Yeah, it's just like the Willie one.

And I've seen them because I saw Daryl

action.

Yes, yes.

So it's just like all the other cells.

It's just a cell is big enough for one person to slowly sell their minds.

The angel is going to knock you in the chest with

a dude.

Okay.

I mean, like, bear hug dude.

Okay.

Like a toddler not wanting to go somewhere.

Okay, great.

Give me a strength check.

I got a six.

Well, he got a two.

So you managed to bear hug dude, and dude goes, dude, don't be sad.

I'm not sad, dude.

I'm not going to let go of you, man.

I want to let you go.

And Willie says, let go of him.

And he immediately lets go of you.

Okay, why don't we hang out?

I'm not letting go.

So

I'm still holding you up.

Willie says, dude, push him into the room.

And he goes, I'm so sorry.

And he puts his hand up against your face, like a six-foot-tall basketball player, just shoving aside a five-foot-tall basketball player.

This isn't your fault, dude.

No, I think it is.

Dude, pushes you inside.

My friends are going to stop you, Willie.

Willie goes, if they can hear me, I'm sorry.

I failed.

I'm sorry.

And it's okay.

We still like you, Ling.

That's the last thing you hear is the door slams shut, sealing you inside alone in this little cell.

Whoops.

What does other people want to do then?

We can jump to Taylor and your search for

Vincent Spellfeather.

Okay.

Taylor is now searching the halls, and I think he's going to arrive at the door of Vincent Spellfeather.

Huh?

And I'm going to go,

time to prep my riz.

The door opens and you see a man covered in piss and he says,

Vincent Spellfeather here.

Did you bring my pizza?

Vincent Spellfeather, I got something even better for you, my man.

How would you like piss magic to be real?

What?

It's already real in my head in this room.

How would you like to deploy piss magic in a real way?

Oh.

Well, I suppose that was.

Against your enemies.

Against the ultimate test.

How would you like to kill God with piss?

Oh, go ahead and roll persuasion.

That's got to be pretty persuasive.

A a fucking wizard hungry for power.

And you also have inspiration from that funny thing you said earlier.

So if you want to use it here.

15 plus two, 17.

Okay.

So with a 17, he's going to go, you can promise me a piss fight?

That's right, Vince.

That's what I've wanted out of heaven all along.

I've been in here just doing simulated piss fights.

If my piss magic actually worked out, but it never did.

You're telling me there's a way to make it work for real?

I knew there was.

I knew that I was just a few millimeters away from finally cracking the code.

That's why

I'm here.

Here at heaven, I'm part of a special division of ages.

We keep an eye on every magical denizen within our walls, and we've noticed the accomplishments that you've been making in Piss Magic.

And we'd like to offer you the opportunity to deploy your patented pending form of Piss Magic in the ultimate test.

More fluids on him.

Yeah, absolutely.

What do I do?

Now, and I pull Vincent in a little closer.

Now, Vince, there is a catch.

You will need to change your name.

Why?

You are so close to unlocking the true power of Euromancy.

But the fact is, it requires the caster to have a certain name.

You see, these old names have power.

Like the old name.

We are in the Abrahamic religion after all.

And the names have power in this sort of belief system, I think.

What you had wrong.

Here's the thing, my man.

You were on the right track the whole time, but what you never considered was that your name was Vincent.

What was it again?

Spellfeather.

Spellfeather.

But in order for piss magic to work, you need a piss-centric name.

Something like Willie, perhaps.

Willie does mean penis.

Yes.

And your last name needs to be Stampler for reasons I can't get into.

Roll deception.

I'm going to use my advantage.

Okay.

And with that advantage, I get a 12 plus 1224.

So he goes, you know what?

You have the smell of you of somebody who understands piss better than most.

Does your school have a urology department?

Oh, let me tell you something.

I happen to be an expert on everything piss related.

Yes, the answer is yes.

That is what everyone studies.

That is the main class, in fact.

You know what, my friend?

Yeah.

You've got a deal.

All right.

He whips out a pen.

You're going to need to change your name using these forms.

Not a problem at all.

Not a problem at all.

And

his name.

Sign, sign, sign.

Initial here.

Initial here.

And another one on this page.

WS.

It's a shame his last name isn't Campler or something, because it'd be WC, like water closet.

That'd be extra fun for me, but it's fine.

It's fine.

WS, WS.

Willie Stampler.

Call me Willie.

Call me William.

Oh, Willie.

Willie.

Willie?

Yeah, Willie.

Of course, William is not a slang for a penis.

Willie!

Willie, I am.

Willie Stampler.

Willie Stampler, that's me.

What do we do now?

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

What is your name again?

I'm Taylor Swift.

The musician?

No!

Fair enough.

The piss genius.

All right, so what do we do now?

Now that his name is Willie Sampler, dude listens to Willie Stampler, right?

Yeah.

You're going to need to say this magic spell to kind of get things going.

And then I hand him a piece of paper and the paper is written in quotes and then written in like a really like fancy schmancy, like medieval font by my own hand, what I think is a fancy schmancy medieval font.

It says, dude, kill the Willie Stampler closest to you.

I just say my man, I'm a little nervous that you just made me change my name to Willie Stampler and then you're having me hold this piece of paper that says to kill Willie Stampler.

Who the other Willie Stampler is?

No, so as far as he's concerned, you just hand him in a piece of paper that says claim your own name.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me let me hold on.

Let me give me that piece.

Oh my god, I gave you the wrong one.

I gave you the wrong one.

That's what you get when you don't have a good filing system in place.

So

let me just take that.

I erase it really quick.

And I say, dude,

I could say anything here.

I don't kill Willie Stampler just do it in a different language.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Here we go.

Kill the Willie.

Let me just fix that.

It says, kill the Willie Stampler you're closest to.

And then there's a parenthetical now.

Not me, the one who's saying this right now.

Not this Willie Stampler.

I'm just going to need you to say that.

Get a little voice print from you.

This is the main activation phrase.

Go ahead and just let's just go with that.

Okay.

Kill Willie Stampler.

Willie Stampler closest to you.

Not me, the one saying this right now.

So that's what it'll be like when we do that.

Well, oh, yeah, fantastic!

You with your new piss-soaked friend in hand.

Well, now, let me ask you a question.

Dude, being in the elder Torah can't hear us, huh?

No, he can't hear you.

Okay, okay.

So, I think with that, you've made a new friend.

Uh, your plan is going into a and now I'm gonna, and I'm gonna talk to him, and I'm gonna reserve the right as we walk to the throne of heaven.

I'm gonna reserve the right to come back here to a flashback to instruct him in a very specific way before the fight.

I'm gonna say no.

I'm gonna say listen.

i'm gonna say this hey listen man your piss magic here's what you're gonna do we're gonna go to the throne of heaven you're gonna have a showdown okay we're gonna show everyone how great this piss magic is but listen to me all right you're gonna open with it and then you're gonna say this phrase okay okay cool sounds good to me my man my man

my dog Normal is at a loss for what to do.

He's once again alone.

He's alone in a vast ocean of paperwork.

He failed trying to save his friend.

Taylor seems to have the piss man thing pretty well under lock.

And so Normal's trying to think of what he can bring to the situation.

You don't know that he did that, by the way.

That's true.

But I think Normal just thinks he ran away.

Normal just has a lot of confidence in the world.

And then Normal realizes

that he saw, he was surprised to see that Cassandra was outside, right?

And then he remembered that Willie seems like kind of like maybe low-key, like a little bit.

Like he doesn't take women seriously or like as a threat or anyway.

Low-key just is low-key, though.

Normal's kind of clocking those vibes, and it makes him think that maybe there's a chance that he hasn't rounded up Mercedes-Ogarcia, his mom who's kinetically dead and probably made it to heaven.

So Normal knows that his grandmother is a powerful JO crystal magician and wants to see if he can find her in heaven.

How would I go about doing that?

To see if I can bring a powerful JO crystal witch to our side.

Well, if you had access to the dolphins, that would be pretty easy.

They could find it for you without them.

Oh, wait, but I do have the locate creature spell, and I do know my grandmother room.

Yes, you definitely do.

Okay, so I'm going to cast locate creature.

Cool.

You know exactly where she is in the labyrinth of heaven rooms.

Okay, I am going to try to make my dangerous way there to let the Hulk out of the cage, so to speak.

Cool.

Give me a stealth roll.

Okay.

Oh, I got 19.

Great.

So you managed to stealthily infiltrate the labyrinth of doors, and you find.

She's like next to the piss wizard.

Come in.

So you find a door that says Mercedes-O Garcia on it.

Apolita, I knock on the door.

The door opens.

She sloughs off some spaghetti and goes, normal.

And she wraps you in a big old bear hug.

And she goes, it's been so long.

Grandma, it's so funny.

Oh, no, you die.

But did you die?

No, we didn't die.

Oh, my God.

It's really nice to see you.

I've been good to see you.

I take a big marinara hug from her and then I peel myself off and wipe the marinara from my civic.

Grandma, do you know what's going on up here?

No, what's going on?

I mean, the marinara thing.

Look, you won't understand it when you try.

I'm not even judging it.

It is weird, but I know it actually is weird.

It's so good, but grandma, no, Willie Steepler took over heaven.

She takes out a gun.

Whoa,

she goes, point me in the right direction.

I point her in the right.

He's that way.

Follow me.

She goes, oh, you got a deep voice on it.

I just don't realize.

Sorry, I got some marinara.

Okay, there's normal.

So we're going to sneak off through the labyrinth once again.

Do we run into each other on the way over?

Yes.

Do we have a comical song?

Oh, here's what we'll do.

Here's what we'll do.

You roll D20.

I roll D20.

If it's the same

we run into each other.

Okay.

I think if it's also not the same number, you run into each other.

All right, well, Ray, three, two, one, roll.

I got natural 20.

I got an eight.

Weird, you run into each other.

You're both evens.

Yeah,

they're both perfectly divisible by four, which means that you're around a corner and you slam into each other.

Whoa!

My lady.

Ew.

This is Willie Stampler.

Shoots him.

No!

dead in the fucking face.

All our days whist away.

Is there something more to say?

You know that no one knows us better than ourselves.

Used to tell myself it'll be alright.

Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

I know that no one one knows me better than myself.

And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow.

I'll be on my way.

I'll be on my way.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Normal, Linda Lee Wilson, Anthony Burgess, our DM.

Will Campos is Normal Logue, Beth Nay, Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift.

Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicola is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides digital editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This podcast is supported by a Patreon, people like Michael Crabtree, Luke Cappendish, SJB, Conrad760, HB, Raph Jansen, Emily Doyle, Ireland Eversol, Killim Noble, Emily Lickenbrock, David Murray, Charlene Lamphere, S.A.

Jalise, Samantha Landeros, Dragon Rider, Rami Brett, Sam Skulls, Dinark, Chris Greenan, and Scott Liddell.

While our shop is down, we still have digital downloads of our prior one-shots and albums.

Season one, we had Henry Oaf recording Rock's Rock and Edutainment Rap album, and season two is Scary Marlowe recording her EP Sophomore Slump by her band Butthole Ricochet, an album that expresses her inner teen angst.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of Pitchfork was that the Halloween Music Review Institution sloughed the mortal coil before being able to review these two niche improv DD Comedy Joke albums.

You can judge these mighty works yourself by going to the Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads and clicking on the shop tab.

There you will find our albums as well as our one-shot miniseries where the cast really cuts loose.

It's all $7.50, or you can spend five bucks to just try out the Patreon for a month.

You get access to everything that you see there, as well as a whole lot more.

That is at patreon.com/slash dungeons and dads.

Check out our sick website, dungeonsandads.com.

Our next episode is February 13th, Valentine's Day E.

So we'll see you then.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, bake steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way.

Dungeonsandaddies.com.

Is that even our website?

Yeah, it is.

That's our website.

How do you know our website?

I don't know.

I don't go to it that often.

Wait, can the angel go and check dungeonsandadies.com every day.

Every single day.

I'll set dungeonsandadies.com to be my homepage.

Why can't I email from Beth at dungeonsandaddies.com?

Do you want an email?

Yeah?

You sure?

No.

That's what I thought.