S2 Ep. 49 - Halo Reach

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Speaker 1 Dungeons and Daz is brought to you this week by eBay. On eBay, every find has a story.

Speaker 1 Like if you're looking for a vintage band tee, not just a tee, the band tee from the last show your favorite band ever played. You wore it everywhere.

Speaker 1 But then your ex started wearing it, which was cute, until they dumped you. They took it with them, which was not so cute.

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Speaker 1 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Speaker 1 My dad thinks I'm a clown

Speaker 1 and I can't make him proud. proud

Speaker 1 But I don't wear a frown

Speaker 1 I don't wear a frown

Speaker 1 Cause I keep losing

Speaker 1 Ego won't stop bruising But it's like I've got this druid

Speaker 1 In my mind singing it'll be a wake

Speaker 1 Cause my friends are gonna fake

Speaker 1 And my heart is gonna break

Speaker 1 So I'm just gonna take

Speaker 1 an L, I take an L.

Speaker 1 And the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames. And I'm the one to blame, lame, lame, blame, lame.
So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take.

Speaker 1 Take an L, I take an L.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hey, just think while you've been getting down and out about the fact that the boy you like died and your mustache burned off and you found out that your dad doomed an entire world because of something that you did only for you to grow up and doom it again, which only proves that his decision to save your life probably wasn't worth it.

Speaker 1 You could have been getting down to this sick beat.

Speaker 1 A flesh hoard made me open that door, and it's all my fault, but I'm just gonna take it. Though this gambler over there got the dueler to his lair, cause I helped him get to heaven.

Speaker 1 Gonna take, take, take.

Speaker 1 My friends are gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. And my heart is gonna break, break, break, break, break.

Speaker 1 So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take, take. Take an L, take an L.

Speaker 1 And the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames. And I'm the one to blame, blame, lame, blame, blame.
So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take, take. Take an L, I take an L.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a podcast about four teens

Speaker 1 using the game of Dungeons and and Dragons to tell a story about

Speaker 1 playing these four teens to tell a story of four teens from our world sent back to another dimension, back to our world again to fix the world that their grandparents messed up.

Speaker 1 My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue of the group.
First of all, Happy New Year, everybody, 2024.

Speaker 1 We're not recording this in 2024. We're recording this in 2024.

Speaker 2 We're in the past.

Speaker 1 But you listening in the future, What was it like over there? Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Congrats on Time Person of the Year.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. Yeah.
I didn't want to bring it up because it'd be self-aggrandizing, but that's not. Thank you, Beth.
Taylor's team. Wait, is it that they do its you again?

Speaker 1 Do you remember when they did that? No, it was Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. Taylor Swift was.
Wait, but it's not this. Oh, it is this year.
It's not next year, but it was the this year is the.

Speaker 2 I don't know where we are, Will.

Speaker 1 I remember how time works now. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they did do the you, right? They did the you. They did you one time.
I remember looking at it and be like, yeah, but like they gave it to Hitler, too. Yeah, they did.

Speaker 1 So I didn't feel good about myself after that.

Speaker 1 I would never accept an award that Hitler won. What are you crazy for that Time Magazine and the chat?

Speaker 1 You can't tie me into this. Time Magazine and Chat GPT.
You do not have consent to use my image or likeness in your magazine or large language learning model.

Speaker 2 Share this with 10 people or else you're going to get chatted.

Speaker 1 My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.
I'm Freddie. I hope he's Taylor.
Seen fact. Taylor was the runner-up for teen highs, teen of the year.

Speaker 1 We won. I've met you.
I've met you normalizing. No, it's Margarita.
Oh, Marguerite at Pizza Wong. Marguerite at Pizza Wong.
That's fair.

Speaker 1 Taylor was a close hand because he placed third at the... You remember? Okay.
You know, competitive cup stacking? I'm deciding that Taylor Swift did cup stacking.

Speaker 1 He placed second in the school because he placed third at cup stacking. Yeah, which is the best anyone from TV.

Speaker 1 I got one and two. He meddled, Matt.
He meddled. Oh,

Speaker 1 I thought you meant like it was a school competition. No,

Speaker 1 schools don't have the competition.

Speaker 1 The second post got canceled.

Speaker 1 State.

Speaker 1 State.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 that's why he got canceled.

Speaker 1 Did he do cup stacking? No, I didn't. I didn't.
I did it for a little bit. You did cup stacking? He looked so cool in the commercials.

Speaker 1 Wow. I'm going to get five cups right now.
For those of you that don't know, they sold that at Target. I know, I know.
They were like, it was just cups.

Speaker 1 But the commercials were like, the same kids that drank like fucking like Capri Sun and shit would then like pop up and then be like, yo, cup stack.

Speaker 1 And they turn their caps backwards and then like stack cups up and down. And you're like, I don't want that.

Speaker 2 So Matt, like the epitome of cool to you was somebody who drank Capri Sun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was in third grade once.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 So Taylor's a competitive cup stacker. He's pretty cool.
He's okay. He's okay.
I mean,

Speaker 1 fate is better than okay, Brady. No, it was like a pre-limp, prelim.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So he did it. Where they gave out medals? Dude, no, no, no.
That's what Taylor said. He came right back to school.

Speaker 1 That's what Taylor said. He came back to school.
He was like, I meddled. You mean you got third place? Like, yes, but my medal's at home.
It's getting polished at the.

Speaker 1 He just means that he meddled in the competition by cheating.

Speaker 1 I meddled by

Speaker 1 pre-stacked cups. And because of that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like those Andy, it's like those dead. Dancy cards.
He got stacked cards that are all connected, but yeah.

Speaker 1 They were about to disqualify him, but then they're like, well, the problem is then there was only the whole episode connected to

Speaker 1 that, please. Here's what they, Matt, you were right, though.
You are right. Is that they would have disqualified him, but here's the problem.
There would have only been one other kid.

Speaker 1 It's not a popular sport in the future.

Speaker 1 The end.

Speaker 1 This story brought to you by Freddie Wong. This dad's 21.

Speaker 1 Y'all want to know there might be a little weird energy in this episode.

Speaker 1 This is Daddy's nights we're recording this late well

Speaker 1 in a long time

Speaker 1 hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid who became a protective paladin to his spouse

Speaker 1 boss kicks he's dropping it right now he's not feeling like a boss right now but there was a time when he felt like a boss so we've talked about that lincoln's only real social uh network that he liked was next door and um remember this yeah so uh grant and marco both agreed that like he can't always use his free time for soccer like they did have to also teach him the arts and stuff So he had to come up with something so Lincoln got really into painting and sculpting of course all he did was paint and sculpt soccer players and his own foot and stuff like that and he decided and he decided to start selling that stuff on next door but he didn't want to mix business with pleasure so he set up his own little like secondary account called

Speaker 1 call it foot king and he would sell

Speaker 1 art

Speaker 1 he'd sell all the cool art he was doing of like paintings and sculptures never sold anything Got a few interesting messages that made Grant and Marco take him off next door.

Speaker 1 You know, Link's actually a pretty good painter is what I'm saying at the end of the day. Only feet.
But only feet. Full soccer pose.
Well, you know what's funny? You know how it's funny?

Speaker 1 Close-up shots of feet kicking soccer balls.

Speaker 1 A lot of artists will study the hands. You'll see their hands.
And then his is just like big old nubby toes.

Speaker 1 It's like studying a samurai sword. It's like his weapon.
No, it's not. He's got to understand.
I need to know. I need to be able to draw my foot from memory.
Yeah, like the back of my foot. foot.

Speaker 2 I'm so interested in what the next door messages might have been. Because every time I go on next door, it's like, what was that noise?

Speaker 1 I've never seen that foot. It'd been like, Foot King here, a few new pieces.
You know, if you want to buy them, that's cool. Just a couple dollars a piece just to help me get my next soccer ball.

Speaker 1 Just come to

Speaker 1 my house. Why don't you come over alone to my house with a soccer ball? I'll get you a soccer ball.
And you put them up. Yeah.
Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos.
I play Normal Oak.

Speaker 1 He's a perky peppy, chipper, cheery, cherry school spirit mascot not the last two episodes that's for sure he was now but you know we'll see how this episode goes he's a downer debbie downy debber dummy doofus disgressed depressed

Speaker 1 ruin the world kid um fun fact about normal this week continuing with the hot glue gun motif from last week uh we learned about normal's high quality trigger discipline and his instinctual knowledge of the hot glue gun I also would like to take this opportunity to reveal that Normal always keeps that thing on him this whole time.

Speaker 1 He's He's been strapped with a hot glue gun. And I'm plugged in, so it's just a glue gun.

Speaker 2 It's a cold glue gun. A battery-powered one.

Speaker 1 That's called the safety. That's the safety.
Yeah, he's got it. The cord is wrapped up.
He's ready to plug it into an outlet and get to Glue Town in a moment's notice. Well, not a moment.

Speaker 1 It's about four minutes to hear. About four minutes' notice.
Like Chao Yun Fat's friend in the killer, he always keeps one glue gun stick in the chamber for either his enemy or himself. Wow.

Speaker 1 I love it. Either for his enemy's crafts or his own crafts.

Speaker 2 Hi, I play. I don't play anybody.

Speaker 1 Wait, okay.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Beth May, first of all. That's important information.
And then I play Scary Marlow, who's a goth punk seeker of darkness. He's not like the other warlocks.

Speaker 2 Fun New Year's fact about Scary was that she doesn't have a New Year's resolution because she looked up the definition of resolution, which is a firm decision to do or not to do something

Speaker 2 and decided it was too resolute. you know? It's like too firm.
There's like not enough wiggle room.

Speaker 1 So cool.

Speaker 2 Because she wants to be able to maybe do something and maybe not do something.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, the idea of resolving to do something is

Speaker 2 pretty childish, honestly.

Speaker 1 I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad.
Hey, dad, Daddy O. And

Speaker 1 this is episode 1955. Those cool cats.
My dad fact is longtime listeners will know my quest to write for the most unsung art forms in human expression: video games, comics, porn, and wrestling.

Speaker 1 And I've done video games and comics, and I just need to do porn and wrestling. And a porn site reached out.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's right. Yes.

Speaker 1 Porn sight. They didn't like my writing, but they loved my dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it turns out. Yeah, my dad fact is I'm quitting to do porn.

Speaker 2 Wait, can you imagine watching so much porn that a porn site reaches out?

Speaker 1 Dude, you gotta calm down. You gotta stop.
These allies make money while you do this.

Speaker 1 You're drinking water, right?

Speaker 1 But yeah, they reached out. And if everything goes well, then I will write a porn for Say Uncle and I'll let everybody know when it comes up.
But

Speaker 1 they did make care packaging in the meantime.

Speaker 1 What was a care package? Well, one was a book of porn, which was great.

Speaker 1 Not a book of porn? A book of porn. Yeah, I know.
It was just a bunch of really tasteful photos. It was books of porn people of dudes railing each other.
The care package had like,

Speaker 1 there's no pictures.

Speaker 1 They sent me a bunch of lovely things in terms of like, it was like loot, condoms, like all the normal sex stuff. But then they also included electrolytes, which I feel is

Speaker 1 extra thoughtful.

Speaker 1 I was like large lemonade in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anthony, can I ask

Speaker 1 a liquid debt? In terms of like scenario, do you have any thoughts? Are you going to just like? I've already written the script.

Speaker 1 I've just been waiting. I wrote it on spec.
I've just been waiting for somebody to come to me and come on me

Speaker 1 did you happen to write anybody you know into that

Speaker 1 you know and then he's move on the script is that he'll just put in placeholder names that are just

Speaker 1 watching it's gonna be like matt arnold walks into the door and use our yeah use our names dog please don't

Speaker 1 i won't they did actually say like we did the dungeons and dragons scene once and people were really upset because we rolled d6s instead of d20s So, make sure, make sure you do that. I was like,

Speaker 1 happy's wasn't nice.

Speaker 1 How about some fucking respect for the craft? Huh? How about a little bit of research?

Speaker 2 I thought you meant that they had rolled a six, so it wasn't as good of a cum shot as

Speaker 1 focus.

Speaker 1 You just invented something really good.

Speaker 1 Because we've all done that. We've all been like, oh, I kind of rolled a seven on that one.

Speaker 1 That was a mid-8s roll. Yeah.
I've never critical failed.

Speaker 1 I have.

Speaker 1 When we last left the group, you had basically gotten all the daddy magic that you needed to send dude back to their home dimension. And we won.
And you won, and everything was fine.

Speaker 1 Except as Normal was talking to Sparrow, it turned out that Sparrow was once again Willie in disguise. Willie put the collar on a dude that said, do whatever Willie Stampler says.

Speaker 1 Normal, then, in attempting to take dude to a plane where Willie could not get, used, what was it, plane jump?

Speaker 1 Demiplane. What was it called? Plane shift? Plane shift.
Demiplane is to Will, like darkness is to Freddy. I'm always trying to get people in new planes, and it's never worked out once.

Speaker 1 Never once has the plane shift voted well for me. So, yes, he plane shifted Willie and Dude and Lincoln and himself to heaven because Willie can't get to heaven.

Speaker 1 And then, right after doing that, Normal realized.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he got to heaven because I brought him there. So, Willie ran into heaven, closed the door behind him, and heaven went dark.
So, say Normal might be the chosen one.

Speaker 1 Never said what he was chosen for. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 Could have been chosen to fuck everything up. That's true.

Speaker 1 So, I guess I'll be the four party instead of the apocalypse.

Speaker 1 The party is currently split. Taylor and Scary are on Old Earth in Oak Vale with Henry, Lark, and Sparrow.
Link and Normal are in heaven in line to a now closed heaven. What are you going to do?

Speaker 1 Where do we want to start? Matt, should we start? It's like you two got to start. You're in heaven, dog.
All right.

Speaker 1 Who should start? Me or you, Matt?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Drunken Daddy's Nice is bad.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Oh, it's bad.
Oh, oh, no. Oh, okay.
Okay. Okay.
All right, Anthony. So it's dark, you were saying? Heaven went dark.
The gates of heaven went dark.

Speaker 1 Like if you didn't think there were lights inside heaven, but suddenly when the gates closed, all the clouds, the big white clouds that you saw above heaven, turned into storm clouds and lightning starts striking, and everything seems a little bit darker and wrong because somebody who was not supposed to get into heaven got into heaven.

Speaker 1 Angels, yeah, angels, help!

Speaker 1 Call the fucking cops, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got a dolphin and everything. Oh, they were all stuck inside, though.
Flippy and flapper, and whatever they were called. What were their names, Matt?

Speaker 1 Flippy, flapper, blowhole,

Speaker 1 porpy, porpy,

Speaker 1 blowhole, porpy, and blowhole. They're cops.

Speaker 1 I need to go and rewrite my script.

Speaker 1 You see an angel arise from within heaven, but as it gets closer, you notice something is wrong with it. It's, you know, it's a big burning eye with like wings coming off of it.
They're burning now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I mean, they were always burning. You know, biblically accurate angels were always kind of on.

Speaker 1 They were burning red, but with clear eyes now. Actually, yeah, you know, the way clear eyes works, where they show you the little like weird red tentacles, tendrils in your eyes.

Speaker 1 It's got those, but those tendrils are purple. So the eye is all fucked up as it approaches you and it's like flying through the air in this kind of a sickly way and it hovers in front of you.

Speaker 1 Actually, normal, last time I asked a question, it ate me.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if we should.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Okay.
There's a bad guy in heaven. Hey, yeah, hey.
Call the big guy. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. It's God doodler.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do an arcana roll to see if I can clock whether this means that God is also under the possession of the doodler. I got an eight.
You got an eight. No way of knowing.
Okay. Well, okay.

Speaker 1 The angel blinks over both of you at the same time.

Speaker 1 You for a moment are sharing the infinite darkness that is at the inside of the angel's pupil and you feel the wetness on your waists as it blinks on top of you.

Speaker 1 Blink, is this what it was like last time? Yeah, but it's less lonely.

Speaker 1 That's nice. Well, because it was just like it was internal darkness, but like you're here now.
So that's cool. Okay, well, that's cool.
We're not cool. That's scary.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, but like, that's nice that there's two of us and we're up here.

Speaker 1 As you're getting blinked on, you hear the sound of a door opening and then slamming in the direction of the door to heaven. And the angel opens its eye and removes itself from your bodies.

Speaker 1 And you can see now that all the dolphins that were in the accounting area have been kicked out of heaven. And they're all going,

Speaker 1 Flapper, Grill Master, Gilly,

Speaker 1 Gill Master. Keep going.
Grill Master.

Speaker 1 Gilly. Grill Master.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Link, okay, those are your dolphin buddies, right? Okay, maybe they can like, okay, look, we just need to regroup. I know that this is kind of my fault.

Speaker 1 And the first time it was kind of my fault, and you guys gave me a very nice speech last time

Speaker 1 about how it wasn't my fault, but it feels like this is definitely my fault. So I kind of want to fix it.
Okay, it's all here. We'll talk to Chester's ahead of them.
Chester.

Speaker 1 What went down in there?

Speaker 1 Does anybody have to speak with animals? Huh? Yeah. Do you?

Speaker 1 I mean, I speak with these animals. They're my boys.

Speaker 1 You know what? Fine.

Speaker 1 Wait, what are they saying? So you may remember that when you were in heaven briefly, there was a throne, an empty throne, that you never investigated in any way.

Speaker 1 Willie has sat upon the throne and is now in charge of heaven. So he's basically God.
And he's got dude at his side. And he kicked out all the dolphins and he's corrupted all the angels.

Speaker 1 So now they're basically doing his bidding. You're all safe?

Speaker 1 Julia got out. Julian? Your wife.

Speaker 1 Julia, my favorite dolphin. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Julie got out.
Here she is. Hey, what's going on? He's told me so much about you.
Porpy has. Or Chester.
Chester. Chester has.
Porpy. Porpy also told me a lot about you.

Speaker 1 Porpy's a friend with benefits.

Speaker 1 Things are real weird up here in heaven. Yeah, dolphins don't like they.
Yeah, you think dolphins got married? They're dolphins. Their marriage is like not like some people's, but not a lot of people.

Speaker 1 Normal's like, why did you look at me when you said that? I'm talking to you. I don't know.
We're in a five-person marriage, Link. Oh, yeah.
Who are we going to be throwing children?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to judge. I was explaining.
I was explaining. I I don't judge.
I've never judged Chester. Oh, I just realized you're all widows and widowers.

Speaker 1 Widows and Widowers is the sequel to Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. So he's God.
So he's God. So Willie's God.
Do we, Dolphin? Can you have to ask the dolphins? Dolphins, like, is he done? Is he okay? Like, is he, is it pretty much over?

Speaker 1 Like, so as you ask that, a horde of angels arise out of heaven's gates and they spread across the sky.

Speaker 1 Armies of angels, hundreds, hundreds of angels spread across the sky and you can see them blink and portals appear in front of their eyes and they go through the portals and you can't tell to where, but they seemingly armies of angels are heading all across the multiverse.

Speaker 1 And Porporus goes, no,

Speaker 1 he's gonna get rid of anybody who might pose a threat to him. No, I'm done talking to you Chester.
He never gave straight answers. Julia, you always, you always talk straight.
I always talk straight.

Speaker 1 I'm the straight talk express. That's what they call me.
What happened to the actual big guy? Like, is the other god dead? God left a long time ago. What? We never knew to where.

Speaker 1 Who was running the place? Nobody. The inmates were running the asylum.
You know, humans were just doing human stuff, and we were doing our best to keep it as a bad thing.

Speaker 1 But like the good humans were doing it. Oh, no, because we're not.
No, good humans are just sitting around in the spaghetti bathtubs and shit and hanging out in their own personal heavens.

Speaker 1 It's been up to the clerks and all the, you know, the faculty, which is us. We were the ones keeping the wheels turning.
We were greasing the bureaucracy, and now we're gone.

Speaker 1 So it's just going to be whatever the hell Willie feels like doing. So nobody can get into heaven now because the gates are completely locked.
Where are you all going to go? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Do you have a place we could crash? I mean, we got like a lot of water below. If you want to go there,

Speaker 1 I can.

Speaker 1 I can't. If we wait here eight hours, I can cast plane shift again and bring eight of you back.
And I suppose I could just sort of slowly bring back all the dolphins.

Speaker 1 Yeah, or can we go through like the portals? Like, we got to get back to Taylor and Scary. So as you say that, we'll cut back to Taylor and Scary.
Hey, Scary.

Speaker 1 This is just a fact I was just thinking about. Did you know that dolphins don't have gills? So if you name the dolphin Gilly, it makes no sense.

Speaker 2 Anyway, well, nobody would ever name a dolphin Gilly.

Speaker 1 I know, I know, I know. That's silly.

Speaker 2 It's silly, Gilly. Fuck me.
Okay, we gotta find a way to eat it.

Speaker 1 Where did they go? Lark, Sparrow. Yes.
Yes. Now

Speaker 1 is the time.

Speaker 1 This is truly.

Speaker 1 Dire situation. So Sparrow, arm me with the greatest sword you have.

Speaker 1 So Sparrow's coming up to you holding the back of his head, which has a big old bump on it because William knocked him out to take his visage.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, are you okay?

Speaker 1 He goes, no, I'm not okay. My son's missing.
My son's in heaven now and with the most dangerous man in the world.

Speaker 2 Okay, you don't have to snap at me like my son.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm not. It's just nervousness runs in the family.
And this is how I express anxiety. We've officially got it.
This is Henry, by the way. We've officially got a crisis on our hands.

Speaker 1 So the first thing I'm going to need you all to do is breathe.

Speaker 2 Oh, is this guy fucking serious?

Speaker 1 Yes, I hear him yelling. Do that, do that, do that.

Speaker 1 It's important to center your juices. Lark goes, Jesus Christ, enough with the breathing.
We need to come up with a plan. Yes, I agree.
We mean we can plan once we're able to clear our minds.

Speaker 1 Thank you, young man. Look, this kid's got a good head on his shoulders.
Spare hooves, the mere fact that you said that proves that you don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Well, that's your opinion, and once again, it's wrong, but

Speaker 2 I forget whose fault is it that, like, this guy's out again?

Speaker 1 That would be unfa. It is kind of Normal's fault, unfortunately, but I feel like he's going through a lot right now.
So we should, you know, we need to respect the journey that Normal's on.

Speaker 2 That was meant to be a dig at you guys because I thought you guys killed him, but then, you know, here he is again. Actually, I guess it's my fault that he's out.
So never mind, anyways.

Speaker 1 Well, we can, it's okay. We all have our part to play in this, and we all have our part to play in fixing it.

Speaker 1 So I think actually one of the things that Lark was right about is that we should figure out what we're doing. The sky opens up and a dozen angels with purple, what would you even call them?

Speaker 1 Eye lightning strikey both things.

Speaker 1 Sclera. With purple sclera.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I don't even know why. Yes, the white outer layer.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 with sclera dyed purple and horrible descend on Oak Vale, blinking with horrifying intent. And one of them heads straight for Henry and tries to engulf him with its pupil.

Speaker 2 I cast protection from good and evil.

Speaker 1 Okay. Covers your bases, really.

Speaker 2 So the spell ends, one willing creature you touch is protected against certain types of creatures, aberrations, celestials, elementals, fae, fiends, and undead.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you use that on one person? Yeah, I'll use it on Henry. Okay.

Speaker 1 The angel tries to absorb Henry through its eye, just like it's absorbed other people, But the second it comes up against Henry, boing, it gets like repelled by some sort of other natural

Speaker 1 magnets. Like two magnets repelling against each other.
It can't do anything. But two more angels come down and target Lark and Sparrow.
And they... Why are they going after you guys? I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's a good question. Lark and Sparrow are going to roll dexterity to see if they can dodge.
All right. So Lark saves, but Sparrow does not.
So Sparrow gets slurped up into the eye of an angel.

Speaker 1 And Lark goes, brother,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 holds his arm out for Sparrow and tries to hold on as hard as he can. But the angel begins to lift up and Lark is still holding on to Sparrow's arm as they begin to lift upward.

Speaker 1 Okay, what would you like to do? Something? Yes. Okay, I need to figure out what I want to do.
It's a big angel. It's flying into the air right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the one that has Lark and Sparrow is flying upwards.

Speaker 2 Oh, do we get the idea that it's going towards heaven?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well recognized.
I mean, should we just go with it?

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. I guess

Speaker 1 our transport is.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wait.
Yes. That's great.
All right, everybody, hang on. And I'm going to cast reverse gravity.
Oh, what? On

Speaker 1 everyone.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, this spell reverses gravity in a 50-foot radius, 100-foot-high cylinder centered on a point within range. I'm assuming that the angel's directly above us.

Speaker 1 I'm going to cast reverse gravity to yeet us all up to the angel so we can grab onto it. Okay, so that yeets you up to the angel.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and give me a dexterity roll or athletics or acrobatics to grab onto a Lark or the angel itself, one of its eyelashes potentially

Speaker 1 yo is this natural one oh no will is it a natural one it is indeed a natural one what do we just witness the death of henry as he flies into space yeah henry goes all the way past the angel up and up and up and up until he reaches 100 feet in the air you know this is an interesting physics question because hear me out he'll reach 100 feet in the air the momentum that he has from that fall will shoot him straight up at which point then he'll come to a stop and then come straight back down at which point the gravity will reverse he'll just kind of ping pong back and forth

Speaker 1 he would just crawl a load of space so i can fall on well because it's a 100 foot cylinder so it stops at 100 feet yes but the momentum will pull him up another exact hundred feet oh yeah sure another

Speaker 1 sorry what yeah so like if the gravity reversed for you right you would fall upwards 100 feet 100 feet

Speaker 1 acceleration poured like that but then the moment you hit that threshold gravity now starts pulling down on you but you're you know so you're not going 100 feet faster no well no you're the acceleration you would get from traveling 100 feet which is you know 9.8 meters per second per second second, but in the other direction.

Speaker 1 But then you'd be subject to the exact same force, so you just kind of come right back down to where you started. And then you just go back and forth.

Speaker 1 So he doesn't take any falling damage is what you're saying. I don't think that's hold on, hold on.
The spell happens.

Speaker 1 Versus like if you're in a 50-foot or a high cylinder of what all creatures that aren't somehow anchored to the ground fall upward and reach the top of the area.

Speaker 2 Falling upward or jumping?

Speaker 1 Imagine it's like one of those Mario levels where they have like a gravity.

Speaker 1 What happens? Here's my question. What happens after you go to the top of the cylinder? It doesn't say it.

Speaker 1 How long does it say the spell lasts? This spell lasts for for one minute concentration.

Speaker 1 Here's what I'm saying: is that you would go up through the 100-foot point, you go past it, and then you would fall, and then you fall through it again, and you just cuss slowly, you would just come to a gentleman.

Speaker 1 You would get to the top of the invisible cylinder and just kind of float on that boing boing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and if you get sucked up to the top, then you bonk your head, and in your bonked up, concussive state, then you can't fucking concentrate.

Speaker 1 My point is that you would come right back to where you started. I like that, but with a negative one, I do think it breaks concentration.
Okay, so you're gonna go 100 feet straight up.

Speaker 1 The momentum's gonna carry you another 50 feet, let's say. Okay.
Well, I can give you the. Oh, is this how Mercedes died?

Speaker 1 Too soon, man.

Speaker 1 And then you're going to fall 150 feet. And I've looked up fall damage in DD5e, and it is 1d6 for every 10 feet fallen.
So Henry has to roll 15d6, and that's how much damage he takes.

Speaker 1 Okay, before any of that happens, Henry turns into a bird. And

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 That was your turn. You broke your concentration.
Yeah, you have to do that.

Speaker 1 I do another turn once I'm falling, Anthony. No, you don't.

Speaker 1 That turn is six seconds. You did the whole thing.

Speaker 1 And now it's you're falling. Fine.

Speaker 1 Fine. Well, fine.
All right. How much was it?

Speaker 1 So it's 15 d6.

Speaker 1 Dice. That's something I can save you.

Speaker 2 Man, I wish Mercedes hadn't drank that charged lemonade.

Speaker 1 Wait, were we talking about that on the podcast?

Speaker 1 No, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 All right. That's 49 damage.
Not too bad. You're fine.
Yeah, it's fine. He's like level 20, right? All right.
Henry crashes straight back into the ground and says, well, I'm out of ideas, boys.

Speaker 1 So the angels continue to float upward with Lark and Sparrow. Should have turned.
Wait, I cast it in an area, though. Yes.
Because the idea was to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 Did you want it to affect everybody? Yeah, because it was like, oh, everyone was going to grab on. It was going to be a bad one.

Speaker 1 Okay, everybody can try it, but if you fail, you're all going to take 15d6 damage. What?

Speaker 2 Okay, so what am I rolling?

Speaker 1 So you're rolling dexterity, acrobatics, or athletics to see if you can grab onto Lark as you are rocketed upwards. 10 plus 13, 23.
Okay, you're fine. You grab onto Lark's ankle very easily.

Speaker 1 I even do a cool flip with the 23, I bet. Sure, why not?

Speaker 1 I bet. You should have to roll again for the flip.
I know. I'm sick.
I'm sick of the blade poses and the flips and all of the unchallenged stuff. Natural one.
I'm mad. Natural one on the flip.

Speaker 1 I hurt Lark. I break his ankle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you break Lark's ankle as you try to rip his shoe off and pull his ankle out of its side. The upper part half of his body is inside the angel's eye, right? Yeah.
So you just hear.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that's a sparrow is up there. Okay, well, who, what is Lark up there? Lark is holding onto his arm, which is like barely out of his hand.
Like Mary Poppy.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 I got an eight.

Speaker 1 Okay, so with an eight, you're going to flall down just like Henry did, and you're going to take 15 D6 damage. Okay.
Wait, can

Speaker 1 shit. Freddy, do you have any way to like help somebody like with reaction? Now, to be fair, they have not done anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you haven't haven't taken your action yeah so i feel like they should get a chance to do something

Speaker 1 i'm gonna say that trying to grab onto larker's sparrow is not a full action i'll say that's a bonus action so you still have your full action to take i feel like one of you must have like a deck save-y type like reaction

Speaker 1 there's one very memorable spell that we've talked about a lot that would probably help a lot is it darkness no

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 screaming loudly loudly and then hey hang on

Speaker 1 jump farther

Speaker 1 jump higher scary Scary.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know which spell he's talking. He's talking about spider climb.
I am.

Speaker 1 Spiders can't fly in the air.

Speaker 2 I used up my fucking spell slots. I literally only have one spell I can use, and it's Circle of Death.

Speaker 1 Fred, you have nothing? I have nothing. I could set something on fire with hellish rebuke.
You know what I'll say? I'll give you the option.

Speaker 1 If you let go of Lark, you can grab onto Scary and then it'll have the damage between both of you instead of all of it hitting Scary. But these angels are heading back to heaven.
Yeah. Supposedly,

Speaker 1 and they want to get back to heaven yeah so i go scary

Speaker 1 i'll see you in heaven

Speaker 1 all right so go ahead and roll 15 d6 i guess bud

Speaker 1 throw like a belt or something

Speaker 1 oh since he grabbed dunk and he tried to grab her that's what i was gonna say like

Speaker 1 you can let go try to grab her and then take

Speaker 1 can, like, you know, if you're having a bad thing, if he hadn't done a natural one on his flip, he would have been able to. Why do you have to flip?

Speaker 1 Will, why do you have to get mad at him for flipping?

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 Why did Nancy let me turn into a bird?

Speaker 1 I say no once in six years of podcasting, and this is what happens.

Speaker 2 So, wait, is my

Speaker 1 body?

Speaker 2 I roll 15d6. Okay.

Speaker 1 Roll a died.

Speaker 2 44 damaged.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. So, what does that do to you?

Speaker 2 It damaged me 44.

Speaker 1 Fair enough.

Speaker 1 But you're not dead. I'm not dead.

Speaker 1 I'm okay.

Speaker 1 We're on fire right now, dude. You're that fucking season one heat.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Come around on Dungeons and Daddy's Nights. The chemistry.
Those fucking riffs. We're on fire, ladies and gentlemen.
We're back.

Speaker 1 Scary's like, ow.

Speaker 1 And she's like, well, lady, young lady, it looks like it's just you and me on this side of the adventure. The angel goes upward with Lark, Sparrow, and Taylor hanging on to it.

Speaker 1 That's the last thing you hear as it opens a portal and then goes through the portal. Damn it.

Speaker 2 And wait, and I didn't even take my other action that I had.

Speaker 1 What were you going to do? You said you'll have circle death. You don't have any spells.

Speaker 2 I was going to think of something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I'll come back and get you.

Speaker 1 Okay, so back in heaven, you see several portals coming from hell. And you see a bunch of angels leaving hell, flying a little bit lower to the ground than they did when they were were flying away.

Speaker 1 And you can also see one open up from Old Earth, specifically Oakvale, and you see Lark and Sparrow and Taylor dangling from the sky.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to have the angel rolled and see if it notices you. Taylor, specifically.
Oh, that he's hanging on. Yeah, that he's got a little boogie.

Speaker 1 And Lark, right? Two boogies. Yeah, he's got two boogies.
Okay, so he rolled 12, which I'm going to say is enough that he can tell he's got boogies coming out of his eye.

Speaker 1 I got boogies on my six.

Speaker 1 Before it hovers over the gates of heaven, past the gates of heaven, it's going to try to shake itself back and forth to like throw you off.

Speaker 1 All right, so it's going to get an 11, which means that Lark has to hold on, and he got a two.

Speaker 1 So Lark loses his grip for a second, and that's enough time for Lark and Taylor to plummet down towards the clouds that surround heaven. Do I have any reactions? Oh, is it like plummeting towards us?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll say you get one reaction. Yeah, they're plummeting towards you.
I'm so pissed that normal doesn't have reverse gravity. That'd be so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 I was thinking I could use my cunning action where I can take a bonus action to hide, and I want to hide inside.

Speaker 1 Could you do like a Naruto run up link? Do you know like in the movies when like the really

Speaker 1 runs up? Yeah, I'd like to use, I'd like to use a very difficult act. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Explain what I'm on the I want to use Lark. I want to catch you like a sweet prince.

Speaker 1 But you might catch Lark instead. Lark is falling, right? I don't care if I'm catching it.
Okay, but

Speaker 1 you are falling because I want to use

Speaker 1 Lark. But as he falls, I want to climb up his body like a devil may cry style.
Like devil may cry style and grab him. Okay, as I said, it's going to be a difficult acrobatics check.

Speaker 1 So go ahead and roll.

Speaker 1 Thank you for the sound. 9 plus 13, 22.
Wow. That's a big number right here.
I guess you do it.

Speaker 1 I was going to say 20, and then it turns out 22 is higher than 20. So you manage to successfully climb up Lark

Speaker 1 and jump and hold on to Sparrow's outstretched arm. Lark! See you in heaven!

Speaker 1 So Lark plummets towards. Link was like going away for Taylor, and then he sees Taylor get up there, and Link just goes, uh-huh, and just turns away.
And Lark

Speaker 1 under the cows.

Speaker 1 So now normal Lark and... So you split the party in a different way now.
So there's a three-way split now. Yeah.
Taylor, jump down. What are you doing up there? The angel's taking me to heaven.

Speaker 1 Like into heaven. Yeah.
It is now

Speaker 1 going into heaven. Over heaven, and it is going to descend into heaven.
And I'm just holding onto a hand. You were just holding on to Sparrow's hand?

Speaker 1 Do you think Sparrow noticed that the hand changed?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think your hand is probably smaller and more greasy than Lark's. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sparrow felt Lark let go.
He's like, no, Lark, don't let go. And then he caught another hand.
He's like, oh, oh, good. You grabbed it.
I caught it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he thinks.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We're like, Parker saving Gwen Stacey. He's like, I did it.
I got him.

Speaker 1 Uncle Lark. I rush up to Lark.
Lark gets to his feet. He goes, normal, you're okay.
You're okay. You're okay? You're okay.
You're scary. You're okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. We're scary.
Scary. Where's Henry? Where's Dad? They're back on Oakvale.
Why do you take Scary? I didn't have much of a choice. I went after Sparrow.
I tried to save Sparrow.

Speaker 1 Try to save Scarlet.

Speaker 1 Wait, Sparrow. Dad's in that eyeball? No, no, Dad's back in Oakvale.
My dad, not your dad? Yes, your dad is in that eyeball. Okay, okay, all right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you just, what's happening down there? You just left a kid down there. What was his name, Clementine? It wasn't Clementine, the dolphin.
See now?

Speaker 1 Oh, Chester? Chester. Come on.
So Chester. Come on.

Speaker 1 Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Sorry that I'm not

Speaker 1 a studied student of your fucking dolphin deep lore.

Speaker 1 Your fucking Warhammer 40K wiki level.

Speaker 1 Web of relationships between Chester and his wife Lydia and their polyamorous friend Porpy.

Speaker 1 Fucking disrespect to the fucking king and queen of the heaven dolphins. Hey, Anthony, this is like rolling a D6 in a D ⁇ D themed porno, okay? Yeah,

Speaker 1 you got me, you got me. Chester goes,

Speaker 1 which translates to you, Link, as this is what I said was going to happen. Willie is trying to get rid of all the people who might pose a threat to him.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, wait, so how, why did, why is he bringing Taylor in there?

Speaker 1 Lark's like, Taylor just jumped up and joined us. I don't think they were going for Taylor.
I don't think. Wait, this is a classic.
This is really bad, right?

Speaker 1 This is just like when the lacrosse team was like, we're going to steal signs from all the other lacrosse teams. We're going to learn all their moves, right?

Speaker 1 But then, like, it didn't work because all they did was piss off all the other teams, and then everyone had it out for us.

Speaker 1 All Willie is doing right now is bringing everyone that has a grudge against Willie closer to him, which means everyone we need to help stop Willie.

Speaker 1 And I point dramatically to heaven is on the other side of those gates. Okay, well, who's that? You know what else is on the other side of those gates? The products and services that we offer to him.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

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Speaker 1 Taylor, what are you going to do? So are we in heaven now? The eye is descending into heaven.

Speaker 1 Okay, so obviously, I'm going to, I'm looking for, because we're moving, I'm looking for a place I can like drop off, do a good, like, roll.

Speaker 1 Taylor got himself into like a fucking Melger Solid mission in heaven by himself. It was so upsetting.

Speaker 1 So, as you descend, you see that you're descending near the throne of God, which Willie is currently sitting on.

Speaker 1 And to his right is dude chained up in the collar, and to his left is your mom, Cassandra, who is just on her knees looking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, kind of Leia.

Speaker 1 Not like sexually like that, but she's not allowed to say I'm talking about the poster. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I see if there's a way for us to talk to? If you have a message or something, I'm sure you can. Okay.
You can text me. Can I propose my idea of how please do? No.

Speaker 1 I think we can talk to Taylor. Yeah, what do you think? How? Because we're married and love lasts all the way to death.
So if we sit down and pray and talk to our spouse, I think they'll hear us.

Speaker 1 I didn't believe in this, but this is what Uncle Daryl. Don't we have like a walkie-talkie? I think we have a walkie.
No, we left that in hell

Speaker 1 okay I kneel down and I go dear sweet tell her my husband if you can hear me give me a sign roll a d20

Speaker 1 at 12 so you hear the voice of Willie inside your head go like I'm God now

Speaker 1 you just prayed to me idiot

Speaker 1 This is why I didn't send any angels for you because you guys are chuckle fucks. We're coming.
We're going to kill you. Uh-huh.
Click.

Speaker 1 don't do that you can talk to willie if you do that normally oh you do yeah dear willie frick you man frick off ps you suck and stink and are bad and i don't like you very much and i don't respect you the following god's voice mailbox is full

Speaker 1 could god create a mailbox so small even he couldn't check it out

Speaker 1 yeah yeah back to mailgirsal sorry yes back to taylor so as you descend you see hold on so just a quick question So when you get up into heaven.

Speaker 1 Sorry, this is a little bit of heaven lore that I'm trying to just understand. A little Christ talk.
I don't think that has anything to do with your name.

Speaker 1 Christ has nothing to do with what's happening now, Freddy. Okay, but like your name is like recorded somewhere, right?

Speaker 1 Like yes, that's what all the dolphins were taking care of in the paperwork ocean. Okay, here's my idea.
I'm just going to say my idea here really quick.

Speaker 1 I'd like to make a soft landing in the paperwork ocean. Okay, go ahead and write about that excuse at all, you know?

Speaker 1 Okay, so you're going to try to avoid getting to perform a halo jump to get into the soft paperwork ocean. Oh, do you remember that last time we had talked?

Speaker 1 Ling told you all that Chester, I talked about how there's a passage from the paper area straight to the throne room so that he could give messages to God.

Speaker 1 I mean, that is the way I designed the map, so it's not cheating. Hell yeah, I called it.

Speaker 1 Okay, you know, it was like there are a lot of videos coming out now of like divers from China who are really good at diving. This is a natural 20 plus 13.

Speaker 1 You got a natural natural 20 on this actual wow. Okay, yeah, so describe what happens.
So I go,

Speaker 1 and I do the basically the dive from GoldenEye from the

Speaker 1 dam, off the the dam.

Speaker 1 And then when I go into the water, it's just like a single piece of paper. It just goes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you are completely unseen by any of the angels that are coming in. You drown.
And you are within the ocean of paperwork. Now, here's my question.

Speaker 1 What would I need to roll slash, is my 20 good enough to get me? I want to find my name.

Speaker 1 Of course. It's literally an ocean.
So it's like the size of the Pacific Ocean. It would take you some time to find your name.
It would take at least a couple of perfect natural 20 rolls. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 So like way, way up out of line here. Yeah.
If you had an unlimited amount of time and way more people, I have to know why you want to get a game.

Speaker 1 I have to know. Yeah, so there's no dolphins here, though, right? No, there's no dolphins to help you.
They all got kicked out. If there were dolphins here, they could find it easily.

Speaker 2 With echo location.

Speaker 1 Ah.

Speaker 1 Nice. Wait, okay.
I will say, I don't know how we'd make this work. But I have a spell called Locate Object.

Speaker 1 But I'm on the other side. You're on the wrong side.
Wait, wait, wait. If you pray to me, if you pray, Willie will hear what you say.
Will, will, before you help him. Before you help him.

Speaker 1 Find out what it is he's trying to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You played this long enough.

Speaker 1 I agree, James.

Speaker 1 Yes, I trust Freddie.

Speaker 1 I feel bad because I made him fucking roll for that flip and it ruined everything. So, like, I didn't.
I didn't ruin everything. He's in heaven.

Speaker 1 He's in heaven. Oh, wait, yeah, he is.
He fuck you, Freddie. He's like, what do you mean? Here's my thought.
The bracelet says, listen to whatever Willie Stampler says.

Speaker 1 If I found my name in heaven's logbooks and changed it to Willie Stampler, I could give commands to dude.

Speaker 2 How would you then never mind?

Speaker 1 How would I change my name in the books of heaven? I figure I cross it out. I put a new name in and I initial it like a legal document.
I would make you roll Arcana for it, but I like that idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. It has to get confirmed.

Speaker 1 It's got to be notarized. It has to change your confirmation.
That's fine. That's fine.

Speaker 1 That's why you throw hoops in front of you, but this is just, this is what I'm thinking, which is like that's a loophole. You know what I'm saying? I like that.
You respect the game.

Speaker 1 That was, that was. Wait, is Willie Stampler rounding up every other guy named Willie Stampler?

Speaker 1 Like the one? Dude, like King Herod? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every other Willie Stampler has been so it's off-screen, so you're not knowing what's happening, but yes, there is a plan for every other Willie Stampler. Perhaps so dad made sure to get rid of them.

Speaker 1 This is a guy be like, you want a ticket for oh, God, oh my god, and then an angel just sucks him up right in front of him. His family's crying and shit.
God. Okay, Mr.
and Mrs.

Speaker 1 Stampler, it's been three days. You have to put some name on this baby's birth certificate.

Speaker 1 Well, honey, we should name it half here. My dad or your dad.
Let's do your dad, babe. Willie's going.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 There's one guy who goes like, but

Speaker 1 how long does protection for good and evil last?

Speaker 2 Up to 10 minutes. Concentration.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I think we should cut back to you and Henry for a minute, just because

Speaker 1 Henry has 10 minutes to figure out what to do before this thing is going to absorb him anyway. Okay, well, my grandson and both my sons are in heaven right now.

Speaker 1 Young lady, I always like to hear, and Henry just kind of sits down on the ground next to you, and he's like, I always like to hear what the younger generation thinks.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you know, what do you think we should do?

Speaker 2 Okay, well, you know, normally I don't really care what olds think, but like,

Speaker 2 how did you kill this guy?

Speaker 1 Oh, Willie. Well, we kind of didn't.
I mean, he was like, we tricked him and we put him in a little room and we closed the door. It was sort of the most peaceful way of doing it, you know?

Speaker 1 And it worked for a really long time. I don't know who let him out, though.
Ah,

Speaker 2 yeah, about that.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should have killed him,

Speaker 2 is my point there.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, that's very wise, you know? Well, I don't know if it's wise.

Speaker 1 It's very based of you. It's very, it's either based or cringed.
I don't know which one that is. Cringed? It's either cringed or it's based.

Speaker 1 So, all right, okay, well, let's see what we have at our disposal. I got about 10 minutes here until that thing comes back for me.

Speaker 1 So, we should figure out a way to get you, young lady, up there with your friends.

Speaker 2 I mean, if those angels are doing Willie's bidding, maybe we can just ask him.

Speaker 1 Ask him what?

Speaker 2 Well, I have this like hat, and he told me not to contact him anymore with it, but I used to be kind of like, you know, connected to him or whatever. So like, I could just be like, take me to heaven.

Speaker 2 And maybe he'll say yes.

Speaker 1 Ah, that seems

Speaker 1 so like to take you into heaven, to take you.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't,

Speaker 1 I don't love that plan, I gotta say. It seems risky, but I guess we're in a pretty risky situation.
Yeah, I guess it might be worth a try. And then maybe you

Speaker 1 get the rest of I

Speaker 1 don't know. I don't know what we should do.

Speaker 1 Hey, dad, what do you think we should do?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're quite the pickle, aren't you, son? Well, if I was you, I probably would have killed him, as you've mentioned before. Scary.
So good hindsight on that there.

Speaker 1 I think if you tried to talk to him in your sleep, probably nothing bad would happen.

Speaker 1 It's not like he can like psychically control you or whatever, because he would have done that before if he had the opportunity.

Speaker 1 So you can at least try to talk to him if you think you can convince him of something but i don't know the first thing you probably need to do is regroup with your friends because you know a house divided against itself cannot stand i made that up i was on the side henry by the way i want to roll an insight check on barry because i noticed something last episode and i want to see if i'm right that's a 13.

Speaker 1 So with the 13, you can tell that he is still under the control of the, I said it was a bracelet. I was wrong.
It was an earrings.

Speaker 1 I forgot that you put earrings into him that basically said that he can't. It was a very detailed and uh loophole.
Yes, the whole time you windy breaks

Speaker 1 thing. So he is still honor bound to go by that, but he is bumping right up against the boundaries of what he can get away with in terms of what he considers to be helpful.

Speaker 1 Sending you back in time to see Code Purple, he considered to be helpful to your relationship as a family, for example. This is too meta.
I noticed something, but I don't think Henry noticed it.

Speaker 1 So I don't know if I can say it or not. Well, but it's not a character.

Speaker 1 I was reviewing the game tape, and every time we were talking to Barry, Anthony would say that man with the long beard, but he never said that it was Barry.

Speaker 1 So, I feel like there might be a switcheroo going on there, but I don't know how to probe this out. Uh, there's not a switcheroo, okay? All right, but I like the I like what you were thinking.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna roll an insight on Anthony if you lie

Speaker 1 nice, got 11.

Speaker 2 So, if we do nothing, the angels are going to take Henry into heaven.

Speaker 2 Yes, good, and then I'll just hold on

Speaker 2 And I'll just be by myself.

Speaker 2 Here I am talking to myself.

Speaker 1 That's true, young lady. I can bring you into heaven.
You know, that's probably the best way we could kind of do what they did.

Speaker 1 Do you have like a spell or anything that could help you like be attached to me?

Speaker 2 No, but I have these, sometimes I play backup keeper, so I have these gloves that are pretty adhesive.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, we can work with that. We can work with that.
And we'll use some sap from that tree.

Speaker 1 And I run over to get the stickiest sap I can find from a tree so that Scary can glue her hands to Henry's Birkenstocks so that she can go to heaven with Henry that can happen I would also like to remind you that you have items that you got in the past from daddy's HQ at least one of which I think could probably be helpful at this point okay what was the item what was it who remembers that I'm the last one

Speaker 1 there

Speaker 1 oh shit the lit we left the Lego sword

Speaker 1 oh the boots What are the boots?

Speaker 2 The boots of levitation.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, gee, whiz, that would have been helpful about five minutes ago. What size are you?

Speaker 2 I also also see we have zine of truth. Ask Anthony to explain, please.

Speaker 1 That was your note. That was your note.
Yeah, that's where I wrote it down. Yeah.
Great.

Speaker 1 Wait, I put the boot on. Okay.
I put them on.

Speaker 2 I suit up.

Speaker 1 I guess we're just going to wait for the angel.

Speaker 1 This is pulse pounding dungeons and drugs. The angel is just staring at you, blinking slowly

Speaker 1 for nine minutes and 59 seconds.

Speaker 2 So Willie is trying to get people that he feels threatened by to heaven?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I guess Taylor can see this from where he is.
Taylor used to be. There's a big TV of the thread.
From the back.

Speaker 1 It's like in the operas or like plays. They have the TV in the lobby.

Speaker 1 They probably have a throw. You know what I'm saying? If you're a guy, you have a big TV.
He wants everybody to see what he's doing.

Speaker 1 So you can see that he's got Grant, Wilson,

Speaker 1 Terry Jr.,

Speaker 1 now Sparrow, and then your mom, who's separate from them. But you can see him saying some stuff you can't make out.
It's definitely Smarmy. It's shitty.

Speaker 1 Taylor looks to the right at the sign language interpreter who is doing the feed of the video so the sign language interpreter says so here's what he's saying you guys almost got me and your parents almost got me so i'm just going to make sure that you can't ever do that and ever again so i'm going to be nice about it though because i could just send you straight to hell i could turn you into nothing i could do whatever the i want with dude here by my side i could turn you into atoms but instead i'm going to do for you what you and your parents did for me Several doors appear behind your parents, just like the doors that people's personal heavens are made out of.

Speaker 1 And they open up, and inside there is just a little four by four cell, almost exactly like the demiplane that Willie was thrown into.

Speaker 1 And Willie nods at dude, and dude lashes out with his tentacles and slaps them all into their respective demiplane prison cells and closes the doors and locks them.

Speaker 1 And then the doors go back down into the clouds and disappear. I want to roll just real quick insight on what's my mom.
Okay, go ahead and roll. Insight? I squint hard at my mom.

Speaker 1 Natural what?

Speaker 1 I squint so hard that I give myself astigmatism.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah, you squint so hard that the sign language interpreter dies, and now you can't tell what else is happening in a conversation.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Shit. That does mean you kill people by squinting at them, though.
Yeah, you get another. If you ever want to look at numb somebody and you get a natural one, you will be able to kill them.

Speaker 1 I'll say that for the rest of the fucking campaign. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so back on. This is just like the end of Phantom Menace, dude, just leaping around from one plot to another.
Wait, wait, what is Taylor going to do?

Speaker 1 Well, you go back to Henry and Beth real quick. Okay, okay.
Okay. All right.
Young lady, so I think what we should do is, because we don't know where, well, actually, you know what? Could you...

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this could work. I think you should go talk to this Willie guy because then we can figure out what he's doing and where everybody's going.
And then we'll know if we're walking in. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Scary puts on the sleeping cap.

Speaker 1 You fall asleep and instantly see Willie Stampler with his back to you. And he like turns around, like, what?

Speaker 2 Oh, you heard about what I'm doing and you're going to try to talk me out of it or blah blah blah what's what's up no go ahead I would never do that I just feel kind of like left out of the master plan you know I know we had our differences in the past but I'm ready to be truly evil and get this thing started and and you know what's uh what's weird um is if if you really considered me a good henchman I I think uh you would have had me up there with you so I just feel like damn i really let you down and i want to prove myself roll deception with i'm going to say disadvantage because you've done a lot to show that you were against Willie by this point.

Speaker 1 10. Yes, with the 10.
He saunters up to you and kneels and he goes, You really were something special, Scary.

Speaker 1 You reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. You know, you were driven, you didn't care about other people, and you were smart.
But

Speaker 1 that came to an end the second that you decided to stand against me and with your dumbass friends. And you were a real, real disappointment.
You broke my heart, kid.

Speaker 1 But let me just say, with all the love of my heart, you are never getting to heaven. Willie Stampler forever.

Speaker 1 2010.

Speaker 1 Fucking peace out.

Speaker 2 You know, it's weird because you're talking about the love in your heart, but I don't think you love anyone. So, like, how come you're so obsessed with love?

Speaker 2 Like, with people loving you, like, Ron, Terry, me, like, all you want is someone to worship you.

Speaker 2 And like, I would know because I've been there, you know, but I think if I remind you of, you know, you,

Speaker 2 maybe you just want some attention.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, love or whatever. And I'm sorry that you want that attention.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry you thought you could get it, you know, because you're truly despicable and ghoulish and a worthless piece of fried garbage. And I can't wait for my friends and I to kill you.

Speaker 1 Good luck.

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Speaker 1 And he snaps his fingers and you wake up. Quick question.
There he's gone. He got sucked up by the map.

Speaker 1 Now here I am, mom. I was a little driving myself.

Speaker 1 Quick question, quick question. During that, what did I see? What's happening in this side? His eyes rolled back into his head.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he just stands there and like kind of is like, okay, he goes into a trance state. Okay.
So he's like, actually, still then. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, so we know a crucial piece of information.

Speaker 1 Just keep the hat on at all times. Is that what you're saying, Anthony? I'm saying he can probably choose whether or not, you know, he wants to go see Scary.
Still, good to know.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it's definitely an option if you could find a way to do something, make a dream world. Cool, cool, cool.
So, protection from good and evil wears off.

Speaker 1 The angel, who's been very patiently waiting by you, goes over and he's like drooling, but it's like tears, dude. Yeah.
Damn. Fucking foaming at the mouth, ready to absorb this boy.

Speaker 2 Henry, I can't say the conversation went really well.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's too bad. That's okay.
You tried your best, though. You know,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 angel absorbs Henry into its iris and starts moving upward. Scary's hand is.
I'm going to say, with the 10 minutes you had, you don't even have to roll for it.

Speaker 1 Like, you really did sap yourself to his feet and the boots of levitation.

Speaker 1 Henry's feet, you don't want to get anywhere else.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd probably roll some damage for that.

Speaker 1 No glue could actually adhere to it. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 So, yeah, you ascend up into heaven and duck

Speaker 1 everywhere. So, as I made Taylor do.
I've got to speed up on it like Rainax on a windshield.

Speaker 1 As I made Taylor do, once the angel goes back through a portal to heaven, it's going to maybe notice that it has a boogie on itself and it's going to roll.

Speaker 1 Got a natural one, so it has no idea that it has a boogie attached to it. It was so thrown off by the fact that I had to wait 10 human minutes for this guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, the person holding onto him is completely weightless because of the boots of levitation. So

Speaker 1 the angel heads over heaven. Scary.

Speaker 1 Taylor cannot see them all. Oh, Taylor made it to the other side.
Scary!

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm here. I'm here.

Speaker 1 I'm here. I start waving.

Speaker 2 Do I see them? Yeah. Yeah, I see you.

Speaker 1 Are you going to come down? Are you going in?

Speaker 1 We're down here. We're on the other side.
You can go.

Speaker 1 If you go over there, that's where Taylor is, and he's doing something. And if you come down here, we don't have any ideas.

Speaker 1 Grab onto me.

Speaker 2 Grab onto me and we can try to get in to the gates.

Speaker 1 You're currently too high up for them to like. He tries to jump at you.

Speaker 2 I tried to shake off one of the boots of levitation.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that'll make you get heavier and pull the eye down a little bit, but you're still half, you know, supported by the boots and you're not heavy enough to completely...

Speaker 1 Like these eyes are big, so you'd have to be even heavier than just your normal self to drag this thing down to the ground.

Speaker 1 Because I said that previously it could hold Lark and Sparrow and Taylor and it wasn't like dragging itself along the ground or anything. Can we catch it?

Speaker 1 You could drop both boots. Oh, I could.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 if you remember. Wait, who back in the day in Papa John's land, wasn't it? Link and Normal that were zooming around.
A cool rocket boot. That's right.
So we have. We know it.
We know.

Speaker 1 You're driving. Like muscle, dude.
Like muscle memory.

Speaker 1 So Link wants to grab the boots. Okay.
So the boot falls on the outside of that form. Yeah, I shake.
I shake both off.

Speaker 2 I shake both boots off.

Speaker 1 We're all to see if I do something cool when I get the boots. Yeah, go ahead.
Acrobatics. Can I do athletics? Sure.

Speaker 1 That's a 14. It's pretty cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just grabbed something pretty cool. Yeah, way to go, Matt.
I grabbed them and I put them on. I don't even have to do that thing where I fix the back of them.

Speaker 1 They just really slipped on nice and easy. Oh, that's good.
That's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 The rush. The rush.
Incredible.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Normal, hang on. Just like, just like before.
You think what I'm thinking?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just like that place with all that cheese. That was crazy.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's what I was thinking. Isn't that when you started your mustache? Don't remind me.
Why?

Speaker 1 It's gone. It can come back.
It's gone. That's what they do.
No, it's gone. Okay.
All right, let's go.

Speaker 1 Wait, Mark's here, too. Yeah, well, whatever.

Speaker 1 No, he's my uncle, you bitch. Come on.

Speaker 1 We can't get all of them. You go straight to hell.

Speaker 1 No. No, we're levitating, Anthony.
We're on levitation boots now. Those are rules in hell.
Sometimes someone says the word bitch, like, they just beat to hell. No, they don't really.

Speaker 1 But if you're in hell. If you thought that was sufficiently funny, then it would have happened, but nobody's going to laugh at that.

Speaker 1 It was just too sad.

Speaker 2 I was like, we've gone so far, and yet it's so not far.

Speaker 1 But in the end,

Speaker 1 all right, I guess, sure, Mr. Lark, is there a way you can.

Speaker 1 Just hop on, Uncle. All right, I'll do my best.
And then he holds on to you guys.

Speaker 1 Should we give him one boot and then we can travel with the other boot? No, I'm not giving him a boot.

Speaker 1 What if Link puts on the boots and then normal and Lark hold on to

Speaker 1 the other boots? And he got his other foot on the other boot.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, they're each holding on to one of your boots. Now, remember, the boots of levitation, I would encourage you to look at the description.

Speaker 1 No, because then they won't work the way I want them to do it. No, they don't.
Because

Speaker 1 they don't allow you to keep moving. You have to be able to anchor yourself to something.
It's like being in the middle of a space station, like we were talking about. That's how high can they go?

Speaker 1 Yes, they levitate. They're not flying, so they levitate some amount over something.

Speaker 2 Scary's like holding out her hands, like, come on, grab on.

Speaker 1 Yes, once we find out how high these go, I swear these are like

Speaker 1 you know it's gonna be like, well, here's what we need. We need to be like six feet high.
We need like

Speaker 1 I know it. I know these boots are like six feet high.

Speaker 1 I fucking remember. They're not that good.
If I remember. In your head, you go to 20 feet.

Speaker 1 In your head, you want iron man dog you got copper boy

Speaker 1 how high up is scary scary is like 20 feet

Speaker 1 scary's like 100 feet in the area

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 i go up 20 feet

Speaker 1 i'm sorry i thought i could go higher oh god how are you guys let me try harder all right wait a second

Speaker 1 i can't do this i can't even fly these boots right no you do great

Speaker 1 wait a second i have an idea what if okay hear me out if link is wearing the boots and then I climb up Link and Link hands me a boot.

Speaker 1 Do you see what I mean? I see what you're trying to do. Yes.
It's Phil 20.

Speaker 1 There's three F L.

Speaker 1 Can we like do a ladder into the sky by trading the boots? Yes. You're going to have to do a bunch of rolls for it.
Okay, okay. All right, Link, we've got a chance.
There's no chance.

Speaker 1 We can't do anything, man. No, Link.

Speaker 1 I can't do it.

Speaker 1 What's your plan? You're just like, Link. Hey, look, Link.
Give me an L. A what? Give me an L, bro.
An L? You've had enough L's.

Speaker 1 I'll give you one of eight. L, give me an I.
I. Give me an N.
N. Yay, say your name.
Yeah, that's my... I'm Link.
Are you inspired now, Link? Come on. You're the number one.
Inspired Prime Minister.

Speaker 1 I know it's been tough lately, but you got to get your L. Do whatever you want to do.
Just what do you want to do? I roll to inspire Link. Okay? Persuasion.
I roll not to be inspired.

Speaker 1 I got a 19. What do I roll? I feel like...
You guys are both. It's a wisdom saving throw.

Speaker 1 I got 23. Ooh, okay.
So, yeah, you do not inspire Link. You're almost like, Link, don't you realize this is you don't need me to.
You're the foot king, Link. Yeah, you're the foot king.

Speaker 1 You know who's been buying all your foot art? It's me. You know who's been sending you those messages telling you you should keep it up and you're really great at foot art and I love it so much.

Speaker 1 You sent those messages. You sent those messages because I believe you're not.
You sent those messages.

Speaker 1 The ones that were telling me to keep it up? Yeah. The ones that were like, hey, you should put more feet and stuff.
And you should like maybe like, I don't know, put feet in ice cream. Look, okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Ice cream's really fun on me.
No, I want to. People that's good engagement.

Speaker 1 Like, sheetcakes. Normal, I'll do it.
Just don't try to make me diff, like, it's fine. Like, I can't, like, let's just do your plan.
Okay, but we'll check in on this later. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm going to see if I can, like, weigh myself down more by casting mage armor on myself

Speaker 2 and, like, bring down the eye a little bit to maybe 20 feet.

Speaker 1 It's like the wildest, like physics equation question it's like your friend is flying 100 feet in the air at a rate

Speaker 1 give me a straight d20 roll okay a 13.

Speaker 1 so you rolled a 13 which means you're gonna go down to 50 feet let's say okay so we have to close 30 feet you have to close 30 feet by alternately and how many rounds do we have to do this because scary's coming towards us right yeah scary's going towards you and he's going to go past you into heaven essentially so i'm going to say so this is like a sky hook situation it's very very much like a sky hook, yeah.

Speaker 1 Essentially, it feels like you want, sorry, I don't care.

Speaker 1 You should make it divisible by 20, and then it should just be how many times we have to do, because each time we do, we essentially go up 20 more feet.

Speaker 1 So it should just be some number of times we have to flip-flop each other. So scary roll to 13, which means she's going to descend all the way from 100 feet down to 60 feet.

Speaker 1 So if you can successfully do your levitation chain three times,

Speaker 1 you will be able to grab on her. Okay.
All right. So normal's up first because he's,

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you what the roles are so you don't think I'm bullshitting anything from now on.

Speaker 1 So what you're going to have to do is first, the person who's giving the boot to the other person has to roll a acrobatics check to keep their balance on just one levitation boot. Okay.

Speaker 1 Then the person taking the boot has to roll athletics or acrobatics to climb up the other person, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you're going to also have to then make a

Speaker 1 dexterity check to grab the other person. Three rolls per flippy flop.
Per flippy flop, three rolls, yes. And what number were you trying to hit each time you're trying to hit let's say 13.

Speaker 1 okay okay so i gotta do acrobatics first well first since i'm touching both lark and link

Speaker 1 their names are similar uh hey you guys have similar names you ever think about that sorry i would pay attention

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i'm gonna cast guidance on lark and link so that they can add a d4 roll to uh one ability check of their choice okay so i will go first actually no i you have to do acrobatics, yeah. I got a 13.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Great, great. I awkwardly pull off my shoe, one shoe, and I hand it to you.
Okay. And now I have to climb up him.
Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's a four. So you fall off of a link.

Speaker 1 You've still got one boot on, right? No, because you said I put the boot on at the end. Right, I did.
Can I make a mid-air acrobatics roll to put the boot on? Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 1 So we're just flying next to each other at 20 feet.

Speaker 1 All right, that's a 10. Okay, so with a 10, I'll say that, yeah, you are now just both next to each other at 20 feet, bouncing on one foot.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, Lark is like gonna give you to

Speaker 1 hold on while all this bullshit is happening. Normal, if you just wanted a boot, you could just ask for a boot.
You got a 10, which I'm gonna say is not good enough.

Speaker 1 So he goes, well, and lets go of you and falls the way back down to the ground outside heaven. All right, so he goes, you know what? Just go, go, you can do this, go.

Speaker 1 I believe. Hey, normal.
Yeah. I believe in you.

Speaker 1 Wow, thanks. Okay.
Wait, how tall are the walls to heaven? Okay, so the walls to heaven are 90 feet tall. Okay, I'm an idiot.
I have an idea. I have an idea.

Speaker 1 Well, Link's going to just fly towards the walls of heaven, and he's going to like... So again, because they're levitation-based, you can't actually

Speaker 1 direct yourself 20 feet above the ground towards the walls. Okay.
And then when I get to the walls. Anthony is a destiny player.
Should know I'm going to do some jank platforming shit.

Speaker 1 I'm essentially just going to fucking like scoot up against the walls and just like find every like muscle

Speaker 1 and just like fucking

Speaker 1 like a goat on the side of a

Speaker 1 skin up the edge of this fucking wall. I'm just doing, I'm just fucking bouncing and

Speaker 1 grabbing every little ledge. I'm like, there's so many feet in here somewhere.
Come on, come on, come on, like you're gonna fucking do it. God damn it.
He gets up everything.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to get out of the way. I'm scooting up his back.
Do you have a bonus because you've glitched out FIFA? So you know what I mean? I'm just like putting my feet at like 45 degree angles.

Speaker 1 I'm like finding little wedges. I'm just like, I'm just trying to like climb up this wall with these boots.
Okay, that makes sense. That makes sense.

Speaker 1 So go ahead and roll acrobatics for me 19 plus three oh shit okay so yeah you successfully managed to destiny to your way up the um

Speaker 1 the fucking wall and as you crest over the the top of the wall normal is not hard

Speaker 1 just get up here as i crest over what i see as you crest over the top of the wall you can now see basically the same thing that taylor can see which is willie on his throne and then you also see your dad, your granddad rather, get thrown into

Speaker 1 another demiplane as well. So Daryl Wilson has been taken, put on his knees, and then tossed into a demiplane without the chance to say anything cool because Willie is in control.

Speaker 1 How far am I from the Daryl doesn't say anything cool, but he catches, he catches fucking off in the distance, somehow knowing he's looking at the TV.

Speaker 1 And Daryl just like fucking takes his baseball cap and just gives a little wave, just gives a little wave

Speaker 1 and points it like this one's like you can

Speaker 1 walk in.

Speaker 1 Another angel comes in from hell and is holding Jodi Foster and Glenn close. And they get to also do one cool thing before they get thrown into demiplanes.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 They definitely get thrown into a demiplane together, by the way. That feels like they deserve each other.
In this moment, Anthony,

Speaker 1 I know this is outside the rules a little bit, but like, can I use kind of like my scout rogue kind of like archetype to like look at Glenn and try and get a little bit of his like persuasion Riz.

Speaker 1 Yes. Like I've absorbed, you know, like maybe the time that I've spent, you know, here, I can, like, get a little bonus in my persuasion, maybe.

Speaker 1 Yes, let's say if you succeed on a nature role, then you will be able to get, because he's Glenn, double advantage on one persuasion check for the rest of the game. Can I cut it, got it, got it? Okay.

Speaker 1 Since Link just saw just one of the most confident men that have ever walked the earth, can Link just like from that pure comments, just get like a bunch of stat bonuses too from watching?

Speaker 1 Taryl, that's what we're doing. Well, I mean, is that the thing that makes Link finally like believe in himself and give a shit? Four plus 12, 16.
I'm going to say a 16 is good enough.

Speaker 1 Okay, thank you. So you see the charisma that just radiates off of Glenn Close, amplified by the fact that he's next to Jody Foster, who has no Riz, who has no charisma.
Oh, is that what Riz?

Speaker 1 Charisma? Yeah,

Speaker 1 right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the kids are really with it.

Speaker 1 Once for the rest of the game, you have the opportunity to double advantage a single persuasion rule. Or cool, cool, cool.
Or deception rule.

Speaker 2 How far away is Scary and the Angel and Henry from the threshold of the gate?

Speaker 1 I'm going to say you have one action left before you are over the gate. Like, oh, like you want to drop on the top of where Ling's going to be? No.
No.

Speaker 1 You want to team up again?

Speaker 2 I have Mask of Many Faces, which allows me to cast Disguised Self at will without expanding a spell slot. So I'm going to cast Disguised Self on myself.

Speaker 1 What do you disguise yourself as?

Speaker 2 I disguise myself as a different student from Teen High.

Speaker 1 Marguerite. Larry.

Speaker 1 Larry, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And Larry is a

Speaker 2 science guy, and he wears glasses.

Speaker 1 Larry, the science guy.

Speaker 2 Yep, classic. And just very innocuous, designed to blend in.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Yeah, you look like the human equivalent of vanilla.
Yay.

Speaker 1 You're like a Christmas crap.

Speaker 1 So now, Will and Freddie, is there anything you would like to do?

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. So normal's still on the other side of the wall.
Yes, you have one. You just saw a master get up at the moment.
I just saw Link cheese his way up the wall. So what is that?

Speaker 1 I have to roll acrobatics. Acrobatics.
Okay. All right.
Normal's like, yeah, that's the spirit, Link. Yeah, you got it.
I knew my speech worked. I knew you'd believe in yourself again.

Speaker 1 You're going to get over all sorts of walls in this life of ours, my friend. And then Normal's going to try to do what Link did because Link has inspired him.
That's a 15. So a 15 is good enough.

Speaker 1 You... Imitating your best pal, Link, maybe.

Speaker 1 You destiny to your way up the walls of heaven and manage to get onto the lip of heaven, which I assume you guys are like holding onto the lip before you like go over the top, kind of if you want to.

Speaker 1 Or how are you? Does the wall have like you know, what do they call it? No, there's no parapet or anything.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, I guess we're just hanging on it. Okay,

Speaker 1 and then we swing our feet over and then we're like sitting on it, you know, cool, like a cover of an animal. Yeah, we're like those construction workers

Speaker 1 in our lunch pails.

Speaker 2 Oh, like skaters, like the lip of a bull dropping in on heaven.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so now

Speaker 1 we can cut to Taylor. Taylor is in the field of paper, a gentle rustling as the paper makes cool sounds, and he's just like meditating.
And then he's like, suddenly quiet, no movement.

Speaker 1 But then suddenly his eyes bolt open. He's like, wait a minute.
And he grabs the first piece of paper to reach. Okay.

Speaker 1 What's on it? So that you find the name Vincent Spellfeather, which was sent to us by Brian Holt. Thank you, Brian.
So Vincent Spellfeather's information is on this piece of paper that you've grabbed.

Speaker 1 Hear me out. I don't have to find my piece of paper to change my name.
I just need to change Vincent's name to Willie Stampler, and then we persuade him to do all this stuff.

Speaker 1 I have a double persuasion bonus that I can use on this guy and we can find anybody. Shit.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.
So it's like, aha. All right.

Speaker 1 So now I just need a pen. And we need to find Vincent now.
Yeah, but we can find that. There's a directory.
Yeah. There's a directory.
That's how you found it. People have a directory.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It lets us know where it is. It has a filing.
It's like a Dewey Decimal system for humans, dog. So you, let's say you've got a pen.
You probably always have a pen on you.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, all right, well, I'll just cross out this name and this guy's Willie Stampler. And then I'll initial the change.
The ink is going to immediately evaporate. And go ahead and roll Arcana.

Speaker 1 19 plus two, 21. So with a 21, you can tell that only Vincent Spellfeather can rewrite his own name.
All right. Now you know where Vincent Spellfeather is in the Labyrinth of Doors.

Speaker 1 Okay, great, great, great.

Speaker 2 Who lives, who dies, who spells your best?

Speaker 1 Vincent Spellfeather in the Labyrinth of Doors. One of my favorite YA books.
I think the author is a little problematic.

Speaker 1 Henry is getting dropped, right? Yeah. Well, how does this work? Henry gets dropped in front of Willie.
Okay, so wait. What does that mean?

Speaker 1 The angel just like opened his yam yaw. What happens? Yes.
The angel opens its yam yaw, as you said, and Henry gets squirted out onto the ground. Except

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 the angel opens his mouth, nothing comes out. Except have

Speaker 1 whoever you want, Anthony.

Speaker 1 Make a perception roll with probably pretty high DC. Link on the tower got a 19 plus two.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Well, then Link sees that a tiny little bug came out because Henry turned himself into a fly while he was inside the angel's belly.

Speaker 1 I hope that works for him.

Speaker 1 So Willie on the throne of God

Speaker 1 is going to roll to see if he can notice that the person that he could sense specifically in another plane has come to him in the form of a bug. So I gave him a roll with advantage.

Speaker 1 And he got a 14, which I'm going to say is good enough. So we can tell the bug is.
Wait, man, the guy's doing the rolling and checking the rolls of the same person. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 He found out the problem with DD. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Willie goes, get him, dude. And so, dude is going to lash out with one of its tentacles.
And as a demi-plane door opens behind Henry, dude is going to hit Henry very hard.

Speaker 1 Do I get a chance to block, too? Yes, you get a chance to do something. Okay.
I am going to... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hold on. What's the name of that spell?

Speaker 1 If Daryl knew he could have fought, he would have done something more.

Speaker 1 Could have

Speaker 1 won. It's probably not going to work.
Don't worry.

Speaker 1 Where is it? I had it. That'd be pretty awesome if fucking just Henry killed Willie right now.
That was the end.

Speaker 1 That'd be so nice. The inverse might happen.
Willie's currently fighting a guy who's a bug.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, but that's his, you know, that's his. Nobody take the stats of the animal.

Speaker 1 No, we did it wrong all of season one. After I lose my HB of the animal, I'm supposed to turn back into my animal.
Yeah, it's bad design, in my opinion. It's not cool.
What's too powerful?

Speaker 1 Are there no trees around? Are there? No.

Speaker 1 That's Will.

Speaker 1 That's Henry's last words. Watch out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He bought his uniform, says there's no trees around, is there? And then gets slapped into the demique.
Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 Sensing that the jig is up, and I cannot believe after all of this, I had this spell the entire time. Henry has a spell called Investiture of Wind.

Speaker 1 which I'm going to cast.

Speaker 1 That normally you gain a flying speed of 60 feet. So gotta fucking cut this episode in half.

Speaker 2 Wait, you had a flying spell the whole time?

Speaker 1 I am not proud of what I've done. But you can only fly 60 feet? Will tackle him in with you? Oh, Willie? Tackle him in with you.
So the way that you're set up is kind of the opposite. So

Speaker 1 there's like the door, and then there's Henry, and then there's Willie. So he would have to like grab Willie, turn him around, throw him into the thing.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, while he's also being looked at by a bunch of angels and dude who are going to get a moment to react to whatever Henry does. And he's gone.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. And he's gone.
This is easy. This is easy.
I get one thing to do. Yeah.
I cast reverse gravity on dude.

Speaker 1 Okay. Like to beat Dude into the air so that I can block the move.
Do you know what I mean? Dude already did it. Yeah.
So I'm going to cast Investiture of Wind and I'm going to use its other ability.

Speaker 1 Is this like a ranged attack, you would say? What is Dude hitting me with? Dude is hitting you with a melee attack. It's one of their tendrils just comes out.

Speaker 1 Can I...

Speaker 1 It's okay to just let Henry go away.

Speaker 1 okay it's okay to make the story dungeons and daddy season two about the grandparents of the kids in dungeons daddy season one

Speaker 2 so so larry steps in front of henry is like don't worry i'll kill this bug i'm larry that's what i do and um i'm going to try to step on henry but not to kill but just to show hey i'm on willie's side you don't have to put him you don't have to put him in that big uh that big plane thing i'll just kill him right now

Speaker 1 Bethany, are you trying to get another teen to be on his side?

Speaker 1 Is this the master plan? Is this kill scary? Just to disguise yourself as another teen 26. Oh.

Speaker 1 So your deception is 26.

Speaker 1 So he

Speaker 1 sees a kid he's never seen before in his life, Larry.

Speaker 1 The science kid

Speaker 1 approach him and say,

Speaker 1 What did he say?

Speaker 1 let me step on this this roach

Speaker 2 no Larry says force equals mass times acceleration

Speaker 1 don't even worry about sending it into that plane I'm just gonna kill this bug right now Willie is going to believe that you are truly Larry the science guy science kid the science kid

Speaker 1 But I feel like that's not going to change his opinion that he wants to put Henry in the demiplanes.

Speaker 2 Okay, up to you.

Speaker 1 Just saying he could have killed this bug right now.

Speaker 1 There is six. Just experiment.
Whether it works or does it and still learn something. Yo, what a chill.
Henry's just going to try to dodge this tentacle attack. Let's get it done with.

Speaker 1 Let's get it over with.

Speaker 1 Roll of dexterity, saving the rest. 17.
Dude got a 19. No!

Speaker 1 Henry gets whapped back into the demiplane, turning into himself just as the door closes, and you share a hateful look at Willie as the door begins to close.

Speaker 1 And if you want to say something cool, now would be the time. I'm going to say

Speaker 1 the door closes.

Speaker 1 If he's had enough of my shenanigans. Fine by me.
I didn't care either way.

Speaker 1 Larry, you see as Ron is summoned from heaven, elsewhere in heaven, Willie goes, I don't even bring him close to me, just a fucking demiplane. I got nothing to say to this one.

Speaker 1 And the angel is going to open a door behind Ron and is going to try to spit Ron into the demiplane.

Speaker 2 See you later. I mean, if Willie wants that.

Speaker 1 So Ron goes in. Again, the door is pointed at Willie.
So if you want to say something or look at him or do anything as Ron before the door slams shut, you're free to.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I think that Ron like looks at Larry and immediately recognizes Scary. Like there's just like this vibe, you know, the D and D vibe.
And so Ron whistles.

Speaker 2 And at that moment, because I have pact of the chain, I have the fine familiar spell. I'm not going to use it, but I have a familiar now.

Speaker 1 Okay, so yes, I'll say that Ron gives you in his final moment before the door closes the ability to summon a familiar. And then the door slams shut.
Willie goes, Woo!

Speaker 1 That is that. Everybody that actually poses a threat to me is done with.
They are in a demi-plane, and now I get to do whatever the fuck I want.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, honey badger waits for nobody, right?

Speaker 2 You rock, man.

Speaker 1 So, Willie,

Speaker 1 Willie casts an eye towards you.

Speaker 2 I'm going to shut up now. I get it.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 roll deception again.

Speaker 1 23. You're all

Speaker 1 boys, my boy. So Willie goes, I like you, kid.

Speaker 1 So he goes,

Speaker 2 Larry's like, what are you going to do next, my king?

Speaker 1 Willie says, I think I'm going to turn everybody into something like you. I think having everybody worship me as God, which I am, feels like the reasonable thing to do.

Speaker 1 So angels, why don't you go ahead and go into every single realm?

Speaker 1 And if somebody is willing to fall on their knees and pay homage to me as their God, as their savior, you're going to go ahead and let them live. And if they don't, you're going to slice them in half.

Speaker 1 You're going to fucking take your pupil and you're going to go and you're going to bisect them and send them straight to hell.

Speaker 1 So word?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it seems really, that's for for one thing and then obviously i'm gonna get one of these rooms and try the weird spaghetti thing everybody's beginning going on back in that i'm gonna fuck marilyn strike i'm gonna marilyn monroe i'm gonna make cassandra watch the whole thing um no cassandra obviously make me a sandwich uh

Speaker 1 so it's and also you'd be a lot prettier if you smiled cassandra oh uh so yeah I've won. I finally fucking, oh, it's been so long.

Speaker 1 Finally a W for old Willie. And in this moment, you come to realize that everything you need, you have.
You have no allies.

Speaker 1 You have no super powerful magic spells. You have no amazing weapons.
But you four

Speaker 1 have one another. And that is all you need to stop Willie Stample.

Speaker 1 ourselves.

Speaker 1 Used to tell myself it'll be alright.

Speaker 1 Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

Speaker 1 I know that no one knows me better than myself.

Speaker 1 And I know I'll get this right.

Speaker 1 It's just a matter of time till we make it out

Speaker 1 alive.

Speaker 1 We gotta pick ourselves ourselves up and say,

Speaker 1 Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 1 We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

Speaker 1 We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Speaker 1 Not today, no, not today.

Speaker 1 I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I'll be on my way.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM.
Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer.
Ashon Nicolai is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Speaker 1 Esther Els is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.
And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Brian Holt for providing a name we use in this episode.

Speaker 1 And also, another special thanks to all of our Patreon supporters, but like more specifically this time, Adam Heck, Kristen Granado, Charlotte McGreevy, Marcy Brown, Robert Panis, Wheel Lord, Sammy Jay, Brenna, Panasonic Microwave, Friff Thor, Cameron Day, Mitchell Groenwagen, Tiana Kimberly, Ruben Zay, Dude Man908, Josie Cunningham, The Pinball Agency, Salty Pretzel, Cornstarch, and Sidney Givens.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year! Big news! Scary Marlowe's band, Butthole Ricochet just released their album Sophomore Slump. Stay tuned after the credits for a sneak peek at the first track of the album.

Speaker 1 And if you're on Patreon, you already know this. You've already maybe even heard it.
You have the album in your possession right now.

Speaker 1 We dropped it over the holidays, but if you're not on Patreon, two options for you, just like for Rock's Rock from season one, you can go to patreon.com slash dungeonsandads and buy it from our online store, or you can just join our Patreon at any level to get access to the album in addition to the previous aforementioned edutainment rap album, Rock's Rock, in addition to hours of bonus video and audio content, shows, one-shots, discord access, a whole lot more.

Speaker 1 It's all there. And by the way, it's cheaper to get the album by just by being a patron too, but shh, don't tell anybody.
Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Speaker 1 Also, big news for Matt and myself, the feature film we shot over the pandemic, starring Ashley Birch and Jordan Rodriguez.

Speaker 1 It's called We're All Gonna Die, got accepted in the South by Southwest 2024. It's gonna be having its world premiere over there.
Also, we're gonna throw it up for digital download after the festival.

Speaker 1 So stay tuned. We're still in the middle of resolving our third-party fulfillment company, shutting down without warning right before Christmas.

Speaker 1 Good news is we got all of our inventory back in our possession, and we're setting it up with DFTBA, who we have used in the past as our fulfillment company.

Speaker 1 So more news when we have it, but expect Dice and the Deck of Daddy things to be back in stock when we're finally up and running. Check out all of our links at dungeonsandadies.com.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned to hear some Scary Marlow music. And our next episode is January 30th.
We will see you then.

Speaker 1 Scary immediately falls asleep and once again sees. Okay, here's snake

Speaker 1 playing music.

Speaker 1 Another stupid soccer scrimmage.

Speaker 1 I wear bowling shoes with no cleats to show all of exposers that nobody owns me.

Speaker 1 Then here comes Holly Smith. She's looking down.
She hogs the ball, calls me a clown. Oh, Holly Smith, all full of grace.
But I see past that stupid face.

Speaker 1 She points at me, everybody laughs.

Speaker 1 Guess she's the one

Speaker 1 you love. Guess it's just one big joke that I am not a part of.

Speaker 1 We'll see who's still laughing after all. The best years of your lives are dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Monday's science class was great.

Speaker 1 Got to do something kind of killer.

Speaker 1 Other girls were woosing out at the prospect of accepting terrantulous.

Speaker 1 Then I see Holly Smith without a care, those empty eyes, her vacant stare.

Speaker 1 Oh, Holly Smith with perfect hair. That's when I put the spider there.

Speaker 1 She freaks, I run, everybody screams.

Speaker 1 Guess that's the one.

Speaker 1 Yellow, guess It's just one big joke that she is not a part of.

Speaker 1 I'll be the one laughing after all. The best years of your life are dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Dead and gone.

Speaker 1 Next week, all the morning announcements.

Speaker 1 Principal holds back his tears.

Speaker 1 He says the vending machine fell on the students and the blood banks in need of volunteers.

Speaker 1 Turns out that Holly Smith was under there. She suffered organ failure.

Speaker 1 Oh, Holly Smith, it's plain to see. You fake it all for sympathy.

Speaker 1 Guess she really died, so they all cried.

Speaker 1 Guess she's the one

Speaker 1 you You all guessed it's just one big joke that I am not a part of. We'll see who's still crying after all.
The best years of your lives are dead and gone.

Speaker 1 I'm doing fine.

Speaker 1 But in my dreams, they're cheering as I think about and everybody claps. And once it's how I know it should be too bad, Holly's dead

Speaker 1 and gone.

Speaker 1 She is dead

Speaker 1 and gone.