S2 Ep. 48 - Next to Normal

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the description.

Thanks, everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, give them for Candle Thorpe, everybody.

No booze.

Come on.

Scary looking at.

Have a good time here.

I got a song.

And this one's for all of of you, all right?

This one's for all of you.

Here comes the sun.

Do, do, do, do.

Here comes the funly I'll make.

It's all mine.

It's a lot of it, everybody.

You know it.

You spent it.

Stinky hippie.

You thought I was so dumb and crazy.

Nope.

Now he's crazy.

You want my shades.

I must get pain.

$200 a pair, everybody, deal with it.

Here comes the sun.

Already here, folks.

Here comes the money.

I'll make it.

It's so much.

It's so tofu, because I was right.

So much money.

Feel it.

Make it all the good dance.

Why is there dancing?

Whatever.

Fuck you, skating twitch.

Little children.

It seems my specs are finally selling at a markup.

Little children, the sun is back.

I'm making stacks.

Check my crip.

Here comes the sun.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

Here comes the money.

Oh, make.

I'm making so much, everybody.

Thank you so much.

I hope you all had a good time.

I'm having a great time.

But, all right.

You know what?

Fuck this town.

Shade, watch out.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

Instead, a DD podcast.

That's right.

That's what you signed up for.

This one, about 14 from our world, sent from our world to another world.

And now they got America.

They've befriended an eldritch horror.

And now they got set everything right.

All by their local.

Stayed in America.

Yeah.

The whole show takes place

in the Netherlands.

Yep.

Europe.

It's a European Netherlands.

The Netherlands is a pretty good name for a fan.

Also a good name for, you know what, down there.

That's what Matt calls him.

That's what Matt calls his gooch.

All right, my name is Freddie Wong.

I play Taylor Swift.

Freddie, we can full out here your cat going sicko mode on some fucking tissue paper.

Is that all right?

Is that getting picked up?

It's fine.

Some people know this episode's right.

She's getting picked up for her own sitcom because she's funnier than all of us.

You know, when those people on TikTok and stuff do like magic tricks or like punch blocks really fast, they have like somebody with a clock behind them so the show's is like, oh, we're not manipulating time.

Uh-huh.

That's what this cat's doing for us.

Like, there's no editing in this podcast.

You can hear the cat non-stop.

That's my cat.

We're just this funny constantly.

That's my cat, Moku.

Taylor Swift, though, is a Ranger teen.

Not a Ranger.

No.

A druid.

No, no, what was he?

He's a druid?

He's whatever he wants to be.

He's a rogue.

A rogue.

You think people should know your class.

You've changed it.

I know.

He's a rogue.

And I'm.

I'm so disappointed in that.

I was expecting.

Well, Well, you know what it is?

There's just been no opportunities to sneak attack lately.

And that's like kind of the rogue's whole thing.

No, there never are.

I know.

If only you were like, I know it was like

if only you were in like a cage fight where there was multiple people fighting each other at any moment, you could have like hidden and tried to sneak attack.

No, I'm just going to make his voice real loud.

This was Taylor Fact since we were in the land of Oak Vale.

Taylor has

once constructed for himself a bow and arrow.

And he was like, I'm going to, I need a U-tree, Y-E-W, which is like what all the English bows were made out of.

So it grows in America, the yew tree, but nowhere near San Dimas, California, where they all are.

So instead, he substituted with the common, what's a California tree?

I'm doing your heavy woodsting for you.

Oak.

He cut it off.

A redwood.

Yeah, he cut down a red.

He peeled off.

He cut down a redwood tree?

He peeled off the bark of a redwood tree and took a bow-sized like chunk of wood.

You have to do something about your dad.

I can't pay attention to anything else going on in the city.

He's got a little dice.

He's got a little D10.

Someone throws it.

So don't throw a dice into the other room.

I mean, I think also if you just get rid of all his tissue paper.

No, she loves it, though, Doc.

Check this out.

Check this out.

Throw this dice.

I don't play Call of Duty.

I don't do what we're recording a podcast.

You mean not cat either, Will.

So you just take away the toy.

Why don't we just put the cat stuff in another room?

Yeah.

Yeah, put the cat stuff in Jimmy's room.

Cool.

She didn't follow the dice, Freddy.

She's kind of there.

What do I do?

Look.

Where's the dice?

I threw it in the room.

You got to get her attention before you throw it.

You can't just throw things and expect the cat to know exactly where it is.

Be crazy.

Freddy, I cannot stress how much this is your problem and not our problem.

Taylor defaced a redwood tree, which is a felony.

But he made a bow out of it, which snapped immediately because the redwood tree does not give you good wood for a bow.

He even tied like a high gauge

fishing line.

So Taylor has never gone back to the bow.

He's never gone back to the bow.

He's that one bad experience.

He's that one bad experience, and he hurt his thumb real bad.

Sounds like Taylor's a quitter.

Yeah.

It's very Taylor to cut down the largest tree in the world.

He didn't cut down the whole tree.

He's called the tree.

He's cut down General Sherman to get this name.

Yeah, you know what it is?

You know what it is?

No, no, no, no, no.

I like this.

I like this.

You know how they talk about how there's like there's one redwood that's the oldest tree in America?

And everyone's like, like, we have to keep its location secret because if anyone knows, there's a danger of people coming and seeing it.

We have to let this majestic, beautiful tree just live out its life on its own somewhere in the forest.

Taylor found it.

He was using Google Maps.

He's like, that tree looks huge.

And then he's like, I'm going to go over there.

And he got it.

And then he fucked it up by building a bow that didn't work.

I feel like Tyler Swift, eco-terrorist, just like the real one.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Lincoln Boss Kicks, schooled at home soccer kid who's now a productive paladin and spouse to his best friends from elementary.

Wait, middle school.

Middle school.

High school.

High school.

You're in high school.

High school.

That's where we're at.

That's right.

Sorry.

Lincoln doesn't really know school.

He's been homeschooled.

Speaking of which,

good save.

There was a moment.

This is probably the...

This is the worst thing Lincoln's ever done.

Oh, boy.

So there was a moment where Marco and Grant were like, you know, we should get him a little bit more socialized.

He should start talking to people.

But we're a little scared to let him go to another school.

So they decided that they would open up their homeschool to be part of like a homeschool group where you can like get other kids.

So they didn't invite.

They have a Discord for homeschool.

Yeah, it was very common.

Sometimes homeschools will be like multiple kids, like multiple people will go to one person's home for a while.

It's like a Minecraft server.

It's like a real-life Minecraft server.

Like a real-life Minecraft server.

That helps you guys is a real-life Minecraft server.

So the three other kids came to the school, to our house.

And the very first day, Marco laughed at like one of the kids' jokes.

Oh, yeah.

And then he was like, oh, that's fucking funny.

That's pretty funny.

My dad thinks that joke's pretty funny.

And another time he saw his dad help out the kid, like, open up his pudding pack.

He's like, well, dad's supposed to open my pudding pack, not another kid's pudding pack.

So let's just say Lincoln started adding

well, Lincoln started adding laxatives to all the kids' drinks.

And they started shitting.

And then Marco realized it was Lincoln and he got in trouble.

And he said, no, it's just better off if we just leave Lincoln alone.

Like, Lincoln can't be with other kids.

This is a dark.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you know?

I thought it was going to be like you start telling jokes and pretending he couldn't open his pudding pack.

No way.

Just like the cat.

It's literally like the bad seed.

Like,

it was like, I liked it better when I was the only child.

Don't bring other children into this.

The talented Mr.

M.

Kids.

So you're

Louise.

So don't fuck with that.

Hi, everyone.

I'm.

Do you want me to move it?

Yes, yes.

Yes.

All right, Mo Goo.

If Freddie had kids, they'd be the ones that are like running around the restaurant and spraying water at people and be like,

and I'd be the ones body blocking and being like, maybe we don't run in a restaurant.

Body blocking is definitely the phrase that makes that a vendor.

No.

it's like

my body blocking the dog.

You don't know quite what she means.

Did she block the dog or the kid?

Like, did she, it's like, it's a little too close to body checked?

Yeah, no, it's like I stepped in front of the dog.

It's a funny phrase that opens it up to all sorts of misinterpretation is terrific.

Yeah.

Where'd your toys go?

My name is Will Campos.

I play normal.

Did we get to me?

Were we on me?

Yeah, then you got frustrated at Tomoku because you hate cats.

Leave that part in it.

My name is Will Campos.

I play Normal Oak.

He's a perkypeppy chipper cherry school spirit mascot kid, learning things about his own past right now.

Yeah.

So I thought I'd do a little fact about Normal related to the events of last week's episode.

Normal has no recollection of his small arms training that he apparently received at Daddy's HC.

How you guys have his small arms?

Small arms.

He does have smaller arms than.

So he does not remember ever getting trained in the use of the deadly art of the gun.

However, his whole life, he's had fantastic trigger discipline, and he never knew where it came from.

He'd be like, you know, hot glue gunning, like a Halloween costume.

And that finger's always like, no, not until you're ready to glue something.

Do you pull the trigger?

Do you think you're like, you've never done like a spray can, like spray paint and accidentally sprayed it back on his finger?

No, no, no.

You know what?

He's never even like, he's used a power drill before, and he didn't even go.

What are the four rules of hot glue gun safety?

Well, there's the always check to make sure there's glue in the chamber.

Yeah.

Don't

you always assume there's a

glue in the chamber.

You never point the glue at anything other than the felt you want to glue with it.

If the tip is hot, don't touch it.

And if the government comes for your glue, protest, protest, protest.

Maybe you Second Amendment people can glue something together about it.

They'll take this glue gun from my

hot hand

sticky hands.

The fourth rule is that only a good guy with a glue gun could stop a bad guy with a glue dead.

Yeah.

If we outlaw glue guns, only alcohol, so half glue guns, et cetera, et cetera.

What's with all these glue guns in schools?

I'm going to glue myself in a second if this goes on.

My name is Beth May.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, Beth.

Yeah, thanks.

Happy to be here.

Hero of the podcast.

That's, yeah, sure.

Yeah, okay.

And then I play Scary Marlow,

a godpunk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore.

Fun fact about Scary this week.

So Hermes' funeral was actually the first funeral that Scary has ever been to.

Wow.

If you don't count the AI

Reunion Arcade Fire concert she went to a few years ago using robot Sims of the old band whose album Funeral was released in 2004.

Holy shit.

Wait, really quick.

I would give so much, Beth, for you to narrate a sci-fi story because the fucking lore that you just spun up there was so intense.

What was it?

It was an AI what robot?

Fucking robots, man.

Yeah, AI robots.

If your tiny mind can process something.

Also, like of all bands, you have to do like robots for.

You're like, wait, how many?

Arcade Fire?

God, there's like 20.

How many of Arcade Fire?

Imagine they all died in 2036 when they put a concert at Dave and Buster's and it burned down.

Oh, man.

So what?

Arcade 5.

Arcade Fire, yeah.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's funny.

It's the good kind of jokes where you just look at a distance and go, yes, yes, what a good joke.

I love that.

Some jokes go for your brain rather than your funny bone.

Yeah, I'll write a sci-fi novella.

Yeah.

And I'll be like, and then their processors couldn't handle the amount of processing that they had to do.

Yo, slow down, Gibson.

Do you ever wonder what it's really like to be human?

My name is Anthony Birch.

I'm your dad.

Interlinked.

Your dad, interlinked.

What is that?

It's from

Blade Runner 2024.

Because it's just a scene where they have to like.

Not 2024.

Kill me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Blade Runner 2024.

Well,

just a bunch of replicants that don't wear masks.

Yeah.

My new IPO, Wayland Utani.

So, what the fuck am I talking about?

I don't know.

My dad fact.

My dad fact.

So, you know that shit was called like Whaley.

Like, when it was IPO.

Yeah, Whale and Utah before they turned into like the cyberpunk bug.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Anthony.

Go ahead.

It does.

If you live in Canada, I was on a show that you can watch called The Take Back.

What?

So, yeah, I told you about this.

It was a charity thing.

There was a kid, it was a sick kid, fucking sick kid, and they were like, hey, he's sick too.

They were like, hey, he hasn't had a birthday party his whole life because he's so sick.

So he loves Dungeons and Daddies.

So why don't we take him to like a theme park and then have the guy from Dungeons and Daddies write a little adventure for him.

And I was like, you have to pay me to do that.

And then they did.

And I have to say, this is one of the most incredible photos I've ever seen of Anthony in a collared shirt and a wizard's robe.

I gave me a wizard's robe.

And they appear to be somewhere in Canada.

It's Canada's Wonderland.

They're equivalent of Disneyland.

Oh, wow.

If you live in Canada, I think it's on CTV.

I think you can watch it.

I just think it's so brave to have a charity show called The Take Back.

Because what does that mean?

Are they taking back what they give you?

I'll read you the press release here.

Hosted by ETOC's Tyrone Edwards, the new one hour special turns canceled events into extraordinary celebrations for two deserving heroes.

Now, here's my favorite part about this press release.

release: guest appearances include a bunch of names: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, eight names, and more.

Anthony, I think you're part of the and the

and more.

It's actually pretty funny in the show because they're like, and then there's a secret character who's somewhere in the park.

Literally, they had me come out of a best western, but they pixelated my whole body.

So, you can't tell that it's me as if anybody would know who I am anyway.

Yeah, like, would that possibly be WNBA all-star Cheyenne Parker, TSN anchor Kayla Gray?

The Raptors' official mascot was there?

He was.

Wow.

Not at my thing, but at the other thing.

He was up to the show.

Wow.

Anyway, that's a thing you can do.

Check it out.

When we last left our heroes, you had just finished the funeral for Hermie.

You were in Oakvale.

You went to see Henry Oak, old man Henry Oak, who still looks fuckable because he's an elf.

I found out, by the way, the name of that perk is Timeless Body, which looks like no way, dude.

That's the name of the battery.

That's a gq cover dude that's an ass you can set your watch to yeah man yeah

dude it works in all that means it works in all time zones man that's what it means oh okay so moonlight savings time

god moon's butt so it's moonlight savings time god henry's ass looks good anthony why don't you go ahead yeah go ahead you also went into a flashback that is the daddy magic flashback you've been looking for with all the okaboys involved and the flashback took you to daddy's hq before something bad happened we saw normal accidentally open a door from which a flood of flesh exited and started attacking daddy's hq and we ended just as lark and sparrow with hero in tow rounded the corner and said what did you do what did you do and shouted it at normal so you all in present time are here but you're invisible and you can affect the world if you want to but it's in the past but you're all invisible and uh you see past Larkin Sparrow saying, what the fuck did you do to Normal?

Hey, Hero, what's up?

Tilly goes for a tap.

So Hero immediately goes and hears somebody saying her name and looks around and doesn't see you but she's in a panic and she goes that voice sounds really unattractive well that goes for 99 of my interactions with hero so the claxons are blaring you just saw the flesh mound climbs slurping itself into one of the air ducks and it disappears so lark and sparrow grab hero and normal

we're incorporeal right you're not incorporeal just invisible are we ghosts like what are we you're you but invisible okay so then taylor's gonna go after this flesh monster.

Can we touch things?

Yeah, you can do stuff you're in the past and you're invisible.

Yeah, so I'm gonna chase it.

Everyone, I'll keep tabs on the monster.

Okay, so you're just gonna jump in the air duct after it.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Why don't you roll?

This feels like a ranger thing to do because you're tracking a creature.

Oh shit, I'm not a ranger anymore.

You're not a ranger anymore.

Or maybe I have a little sense memory of it, you know?

You could roll survival or nature.

I have a pretty good survival, so I'll do 12 plus 517.

17.

Okay, so you track this thing pretty adequately.

It's got a really slimy trail.

You see as it splits up into five different parts of itself, and you see those parts split up five more times and then five more times.

You see it begin to multiply into many smaller versions of itself with horrible, horrible proportions that make your mind spin just to think about them.

And that's not me getting out of describing them because I'll describe them later.

Okay.

Taylor backs out of the vet.

I lost track of it, but it multiplied into 25 or more versions of itself.

Maybe we can like shut off the eating or whatever and close all the vets.

Yeah, yeah, it's in the HVAC.

So you hear screaming from the floor above you.

And they're fucked.

Past Larkin Sparrow, run upstairs, holding past Hero and Normal in tow.

Normal is just going to follow them because more than wanting to stop anything normal.

He's shocked that he was ever at Daddy's HQ and wants to see what's happening.

So suddenly.

Great.

Scary will follow Blink.

Buddy System, Taylor, decides to go his own way and follow Normal.

Okay, great.

Suddenly you find yourselves in familiar environs.

You're on the office floor of Daddy's HQ, but it looks far cleaner and more maintained than when you last saw it.

We need a word with May Hales.

And the floor you're on is bustling with activity, clerks, and office workers hurriedly rushing about and grabbing weapons as if their lives depended on it, which they do.

So Sparrow approaches a staff member and he goes, How bad is it?

And the voice says, They're in the ventilation.

The staff member you now recognize as a younger May Hales.

And even as she says it, you can hear the scuttling of many legs and many claws in the air-conditioning vents overhead.

Lark speaks into his wrist and he says, Dad, where are you?

And you can't make out the exact response, but you hear Henry Oakes' voice,

yeah, and you hear the words top floor somewhere

within that cacophony.

Bring snacks!

So Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters.

Bro, it's matching.

Matching.

Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters.

Anthony?

Anthony.

Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters.

No, you've played the game Devil May Cry.

Yeah.

They're not matching.

Yeah, one's ebony and one's ivory.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're paired.

They're paired.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they work best together.

Sick, okay.

They start off at a dead sprint toward the stairwell upstairs.

In that moment, the walls explode in a flood of articulating limbs and smiling faces.

You see creatures not unlike the doodled zombies you've met in the past but somehow more feral and bestial.

Naked humans with their limbs bent in incorrect angles as if they were more spider than person.

Their heads twisted around 180 degrees so you can see their upside-down grimaces as they scuttle toward you on elongated, pulsing crab legs.

Their flesh melts off their bones like cold icing off a hot cake, but no matter how much the pink ichor drips to the floor of Daddy's HQ, there always seems to be more of it.

More flesh, more flesh, more flesh.

Their bones hidden under a perpetual stream of melting skin.

They scream in unison a high-pitched cackle that soon mixes with bellows of terror from the emploree's of daddies.

Are we like safe here, even though we're invisible?

I think so.

That's a really good question.

This seems pretty heavy duty.

Well, if we died in the past, we wouldn't.

We would know about it.

Yeah, we would know about it.

Yeah.

Unless, like.

No, we can die in the past because...

Your present selves can die here.

Yeah, our present selves can die in the past, but our past selves will live to be our present selves, which will then die in the past.

Link like slams his hand into the corner of a table just to see like if it like hurts yeah it hurts roll a d4 i think we can die oh

god i'm really strong that hurt but yeah okay um yeah i think we can die yeah so um don't stick together guys who's with us we're with dude we're with you with dude lark and sparrow i took four damage okay mr mr lark and sparrow yeah what happened what is this what is this monster lark says this is the day we enacted coat purple ow and as he says that you see Pass Sparrow throw his pistol to Hero and he says, hold him off for as long as you can.

I'm going for Code Purple.

And Pass Lark says, you know, dad will never go for it.

And Pass Sparrow says, yeah, I know.

And he grabs young Normal's hand and he heads for the stairwell at the dead sprint.

Oh, okay, Dad, why did you bring us here if we can die?

I didn't bring us here.

You fucking, I guess, great-grandfather.

Your great-grandfather fucking Barry brought us here.

I didn't want to go here.

Oh my God.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I guess stay with me.

Stay with me.

We'll keep it safe.

Don't touch anything.

Don't do anything.

As long as we can stay with our older selves i know we end up being okay so we just got to not get eaten by these

you know where it's safe you've lived through this yes exactly okay so yeah just stay with me

stick together but not like that stick together and everybody like hands hands together like in a pocket like everybody's close to hands together i put my hands out everybody hold hands i can't see your hand oh not you i'm in my my spouse's yeah okay your spouse

so we're all invisible to each other okay yeah just start feeling around everybody until you oh that's me no just just stay with who you can see okay but we can't see each other well no but you we can see uh lark and and okay sparrow right okay but if i feel something i'm gonna hug i'm hugging somebody who am i hugging oh that's me okay i got your hand okay great

uh this is mad and will going through a haunted house you go in front yeah

i guess it doesn't matter because i see through it looks like i'm going in front even if you're in front

creatures spill from every vent and window on this floor grabbing daddy's staff and dripping their hot flesh into the screaming gobs of their victims drowning them in unnatural sounds i don't want to die like that may Hales hides under her desk, hand clamped over her mouth.

Lark and Hero blast away at the creatures with pistols that seemingly never run out of ammo, every shot splattering one of the creatures only to be replaced by three more crawling over the corpse of their fallen brethren.

So you follow Sparrow, you said, up the stairwell.

You run up the stairwell, feeling a familiar surge of psychic intelligence as you pass by the room with the hyper-intelligent whale.

You follow Sparrow and Normal out into the dungeon.

the huge collection of magical artifacts and weaponry that you remember from your time in daddy's HQ.

You remember it being in the basement, however, and not the top, because apparently this pyramid is actually above ground in this world and not inverted and underground like it was when you saw it earlier in your lives you are in the dungeon with all the cool items and all the stuff so you can spend as many turns as you like collecting items from daddy's hq but every time you do more of the creatures are going to crawl through the stairway and the ventilation to attack you so you also see let me ask you this will these items can we take these with us yes these will be with you for the rest of the game

you can also see creatures attacking members of daddy's slicing them to ribbons with their claws and smothering them and skip yeah who cares about that you can also say ghost people but this too will take time so

would you like to follow normal and sparrow upstairs or do you want to spend some time collecting some items here because it might be your last chance to do so to get some of these powerful items so sparrow how how long would you say if you could remember like did we have before this floor kind of got uh eaten this floor is going to get eaten in about two turns i would say mr sparrow What is the dopest shit?

We have 12 seconds.

Link's looking for an item.

I'm asking Sparrow where the dopest shit is.

Okay.

How would you define dopest shit?

You know, well, how you define it.

What can we kill Willie with?

Like the strongest of the shit.

What could we kill this big flesh monster with?

Yeah, well, I mean...

This is the area that's mostly not so much weapons, just magical items that can help you in other ways that aren't direct damage.

So there's a lot of good stuff here.

There's the boots of levitation, there's the zine of truth, the X-Box, the face-off, the one ring to repulse them all, the slap bracelet of befriending.

Any of those sound interesting to you?

Wait, wait, wait.

What did you say about the before face-off?

The X-Box?

X-Box?

X-Box.

Wait, which one?

I want the Xbox.

So you run into a room that is locked with a big X on it, but it's open now because Lark and Sparrow still have the keys.

So pass Lark and Sparrow, open it up for you.

Do you guys ever re-keep these locks?

Shut up.

And inside you find a postage stamp with an X on it.

This was sent to us by Ben Dent.

When you figure out what it does, you can thank Ben Dent for sending it in.

What does this thing do?

I got an 11.

Six, just a six.

With an 11, you can tell that throwing it down on the ground is how you activate it.

And you can tell that using it is an even-ish chance to be helpful or hurtful.

So I'll just take it and I'll pocket it.

Size of a poster stamp, you said?

Size of a poster stamp.

It'll fit right in my little Xbox pocket.

So, yes, you would like to.

Yeah, I know.

I wouldn't have come with Taylor.

Link would have just ran out.

Yeah, Taylor would have been like, get your own room full of with one item in it.

So they would have just gone into the closest room.

Just cash and grab or cash and grab.

What is it called?

Cash and grab.

Cash and grab.

Cash and grab.

The reverse order.

I'm going to roll a dice and see which of these items you need for something.

You drop some cash, let me grab it.

Inside this room that you found, Link, you see what looks to be like a lightsaber from a Lego set.

It is called the Brick Sword, and it was sent to us by Logan.

Again, you can roll Arcana to see what it does.

Link picks it up.

Okay, so you immediately turn to a Lego version of yourself.

All of your fingers fuse together,

and your head becomes a cylinder like a Lego person.

Is he small now?

Is he Lego-sized?

He's human-sized.

Yeah!

He is now with a cylindrical head and

your fingers are fused together.

Yeah, guys, I feel a little different, but you can't see what I look like.

your body feels all plastic, I.

You're hugging me, remember?

You're not touching me anymore.

What do you mean?

I don't feel anything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, that's dark.

Wait, do you not feel anything of your Lego tooth?

I'm just plastic.

I just feel...

I poke in the air behind me to where I think Link is.

You touch him, and he's definitely smooth plastic.

I just started hitting my hands together.

I don't feel anything when I hit my hands together.

Link, we're going to fix this.

Don't you worry.

What happened?

Don't you worry, Link.

Okay.

Wait, wait, you know that Lego plastic is like insanely powerful plastic right it's very good and the quality control is like it's like microns like a like yeah it's a fuzz that's why that's why a lego piece from like 30 years ago will still snap in place today with a lego piece of today incredible um scary's gonna just reach out and try to grab something that might help link okay i don't know i just like i don't feel anything did you want to roll arcana to see what this lego sword does off everything

like i did i rolled a five so you have no idea i think it just killed me

i think whatever i grab just killed me but like i can feel your corporeal form i don't feel you touch them try to fix you.

I reach out.

Is there just a regular role I can do?

Yeah, DM the investigation role.

That's a natural one.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

So, the natural one, you find an item that undoes specifically Legofication and you break it in your hands on accident when you try to pick it up.

Oh, shit.

I didn't find anything.

There's nothing in here.

I don't have knees.

No, don't worry about that.

I don't have knees.

I can't play soccer if I don't have knees.

No, get out of here.

I want to get out of here.

I can't see anybody or feel anybody.

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Can I pick up something that he can see?

Yeah, sure.

I pick up like a flashlight or something.

I'm like, link.

You find the nearest thing, which we'll say is the zine of truth.

Okay.

Which was sent to us by Kay to Democ.

And I will explain what it does if you succeed in an Arcana roll.

If not, at the very least, I'll...

I think that one just means she has no idea what it is.

I actually just got a natural 20 on the Arcana roll.

On the Arcana roll.

Okay.

So when you pick up the zine of truth, you can tell that it does the following.

It is a composition notebook covered in stickers and sharpie marks.

When opened, the individual that opens the zine must make a wisdom saving through 15.

On a a failed save, the individual is immediately compelled to write their deepest, darkest secret on the first unmarked page and give it back to the person that gave it to them.

I'm not going to fuck with this right now, but Link, just follow it.

Can you see this book?

Follow this book.

Okay, yeah.

And then you're following me.

And then we're going to get out of here because we've kind of run out of turns to get stuff.

I think whatever I took also took my fingers.

I only have to figure out what to do.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Just keep walking.

So you can keep looking for stuff.

You'll just have to fight some of these creatures in order to do that.

Normal would like to also search for something while all this is going on.

I see that all four of these things happen at the same time.

I see no reason not to.

Okay, and I got a sword, just to be clear.

You got a brick sword that you are currently holding.

But I don't know what it does.

You don't know what it does.

I can't see myself.

Nobody can see me.

Correct.

So it was a floating, it was a lightsaber, is what you said.

It looks like a lightsaber from a Lego set, so it's a blocky

little lightsaber type thing.

Give me an investigation roll.

That's a two minus one, so a non-natural one.

Great.

I'm going to roll twice and pick the least useful thing of the two things that I roll for.

Okay, this actually feels in keeping with normal.

This item was sent to us by Ross Mackay.

Thank you, Ross Mackay.

This is the one ring to repulse them all.

It is the most dazzling, beautiful, and captivating ring you've ever laid eyes upon.

If you want to roll Arcana to see what it does, feel free.

I got a 16, or 15, rather.

15 is great.

So this is a ring that once worn will give off an aura of pure and utter repulsiveness to the wearer.

No one wants to be near you or even look at you, and the wearer will always feel like the people around them can smell their B.O., which will make anyone close to the wearer want want to get as far away as physically possible.

He was wearing this the whole time.

Yeah, no, Normal puts it on in the past, dog, and then he looks at his own hand and you realize it's been there the whole time.

That's great.

Yeah.

Normal's been wearing this the entire time.

Normal, you literally.

There's more babies in here.

What's that on?

All right.

Well, I guess I didn't really find anything other than the ring I'm already wearing.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess that's what you get for a non-natural one.

So again, you can continue to look for items here.

There's still some more items.

You'll just have to roll to see if any of the creatures notice you.

And if so, you'll have to fight them.

Or you can keep running.

What do you guys want to do?

Let's just keep going.

I think everybody stay behind me.

I'm pretty sure I can't die anymore.

I wouldn't.

I think I'm dead.

No, I don't.

Or I'm not a person.

No, it's okay, Link.

I think you could probably die.

Scary, you're not feeling what I'm feeling,

which is nothing.

Dude reaches out and touches you.

Mr.

Mr., I feel nothing.

I feel nothing too.

I feel nothing all the time.

Oh, God, did you grab the sword too?

Yeah, no, I mean, no, no, I didn't, but I just feel nothingness because that's what's cool about me.

That's pretty, okay.

Dude goes, you can probably die.

Okay.

Yeah, listen to dude.

Well, within reason.

You can die, and I want to kill everything.

No, don't, no, okay.

Not everything.

Not us, dude.

No, not you.

You guys are my friends.

Normal's about to leave, but then a dark psychic presence calls to him from somewhere

in this fucking chamber of secrets, if you will, this giant room full of magical items.

I rolled an 11.

What is calling to normal?

So 11 is like a 50-50.

So So I'm going to roll a 50-50 to see if it's something good or something bad.

Oh, 19.

Okay, so it's something good.

You feel the call of...

So this is your second turn.

Yes.

You feel the call of the slap bracelet of befriending, which was sent to us by Natalie Boyd.

Thank you, Natalie.

It seems like it is a useful item, just objectively useful, and it has no ill effects that can be discerned from the feeling that you get from it.

Okay, I'm going to roll an arcana.

I got a 10.

Hit with a 10, you can tell that it's a slap bracelet that comes with the ability to naturally cast charm person.

Once you can beat a character's AC with it, you can slap the bracelet around a character's wrist and cast charm person automatically on them, and the spell lasts forever until the bracelet is removed.

So it's like the opposite of the ring of repulsion, basically.

Exactly.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Just resets you to a baseline.

Yeah.

Yeah, now you're just kind of like meh.

You're just mid.

The worst thing anyone from Gen Z could be.

He is neither cringed nor based.

He is only mid.

I sentence you to a lifetime of mid.

You've grabbed an item So I'm gonna roll to see if any of the creatures notice you I'm gonna say anything above a 10 is they don't notice you and anything below a 10 is they notice you so I rolled a 15 so they managed to completely ignore the fact that you grabbed a snap bracelet So what would everybody else like to do?

Could we just get out of this memory?

We gotta see what happened.

I need to see what I am.

We'll figure that out later.

For now, you are our human shield.

Well, you might not be a human.

I'm telling you, I'm dead.

You hear Barry Oak's voice rumbling through this memory, and he goes, I can make you visible if that's what you want.

No, I don't think so.

No.

What about just Link?

Yeah, I can do that.

Can you do that for like a split second?

Sure.

So for a split second, you see a human-sized Lego man.

I don't see it, obviously.

Even though he puts you in front of a mirror.

No, I don't want to.

But he closes his eyes, though.

You see a human-sized Lego man.

His clothes are just drawn onto his square torso.

His fingers are all locked together.

He has a backpack.

He doesn't really want one of those things that you have to take the head off in order to.

Yes, you have a backpack.

In order order to put on.

You have a backpack.

You see his face is like basically drawn on, but it's changing with his expressions and that he's holding still this sword.

I think I'm going to be sick.

No!

Okay.

And then he disappears.

Quick teen huddle.

Don't notice.

No, nobody say, if you say, like, say nothing.

Okay, well, here's what you're going to do.

Cover your ears real quick.

We need to have a quick discussion.

I don't know where they are.

I don't think I have ears that he got you.

And dude puts his hands over where your ears should be, but they aren't.

All right, quick teen huddle.

You can't hear us, right?

hey what the he gets i don't know we'll fix it later we gotta go here's what we're gonna do he looks like a lego guy we need him in front clearing you know i'm saying he's our human shield you understand he leads

what if we see somebody coming we tell link to like go on the ground because there's nothing worse than stepping on a lego oh that's true If we ride into a really big guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we'll have him put his hands up.

His yellow, strange, classic claw hands to try and puncture.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right.

right, okay.

Okay, um, Link, because you're such a good leader.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude removes their hands.

Okay, I'm gonna do my best not to infer what happened to me based off of that.

Yeah, don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Just we're gonna, we're gonna make you our leader.

Cool.

And you're just gonna.

Am I strong now?

Yeah, you're so strong.

Okay.

Yeah, and so we're just gonna follow you.

Great.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna walk forward.

Is everybody done looking for items?

Normal's really wondering what dark psychic force was calling him to pick up this charm bracelet.

Maybe a dark psychic force that was like, maybe try to shower him.

Scary also feels a dark psychic force.

And I rolled a 14 for dark psychic force.

Okay, so you once again get a friendly dark psychic force that directs you towards boots of levitation.

These are a normal Dungeons and Dragons-ass item that do exactly what they sound like.

Well, like how high can you levitate?

Yeah, but you got to pump them up like Reebok pumps first.

Oh, no, yeah, dude.

It's how much you, it's how many pumps.

That's the mechanic.

You have to pump it up a certain number of times, but it's up to you.

I have to pump the drum.

Levity allows you to rise vertically up to 20 feet.

Oh, wow.

And then you can walk forward.

The target can only move by pushing or pulling against a fixed object or surface within reach.

So you can't just naturally walk.

You'll have to use momentum and gravity.

It's like a gondola pole.

It's like that prank that they do on people on the ISS.

Sorry?

What?

There's like a prank that they've done.

I've seen a video of this where they just put someone in the middle of the room and then they pull away everything.

And they're like, guess what, idiot?

You're stuck.

And they're like, oh, and they just got.

I got a lovely god mantra sore.

Cool.

I got some cute boots.

All right, let's go.

Anybody else?

I have to go with my Xbox.

Let's just get out of this memory, right?

We probably got the juice, right?

If we got out of the memory now, wouldn't we get the juice?

No.

Who said that?

So you can't see Lark's face, but he goes, no.

Okay.

This is not the important part of the memory.

Oh, okay.

Let's just keep it going.

Well, I'll follow you.

No, no, no.

You're the leader now.

Yeah, I know.

I'm the leader.

So I say I'm following Lark.

Yeah.

I don't know where to go.

Lark goes, fine, sure.

Okay, fine.

Follow me.

And Lark leads you upstairs.

How do we follow?

Do we turn on the story?

Are you holding on to me?

Yeah, like, you know what?

Oh, yeah.

I look for like a curtain

string, something to tie like a big leash around all of it.

I take the laces out of the boots.

Oh, perfect.

All right, everyone, take a lace.

What a useful item.

You follow Sparrow in the past as he's holding normal around.

And on the way up through the dungeon, you see Sparrow grab a ring that you recognize as the ring of swapping from way back when, and a memory syringe, which you also recognize from way back when.

Upon reaching the top floor, you see a slightly younger Henry Oak.

Alarms are going off.

Henry is in his office.

What is Henry doing when the alarms are going off as creatures are crawling through the air ducts trying to get at him?

I feel like, can Mercedes be here too?

Yeah, why not?

I feel like Mercedes and Henry are just like back-to-back, like the boys.

Enjoying their last night of fashion

right before they die.

No, they're blasting guys and they're like hanging each other crystals.

Matthew Arnold.

Matthew Arnold.

Henry and Mercedes do other stuff besides have sex.

They also fight evil.

And daddy's HU.

Right now they're like hanging each other's scrolls and firing off spells and just like trying to hold down the fort while Henry is like looking at there's like a big control monitor showing like the levels of daddy's HQ and he's like, command group three, get to section J up the, you know, that corridor, the one with the soda pop machine in it.

They told us to get rid of.

Get down there.

There's more guys coming in.

So you see those guys get to that hallway on the screen.

You see that Henry is doing a great job of sort of directing traffic from up here in the office.

So Sparrow bursts into the room, blasts a creature in the face, steps over its corpse and asks, where's the dimensional amplifier, dad the what the dimensional amplifier it's an item you have it in this office somewhere right you kept it from us what what

do you need it for so he says i found a way to send the doodler back to its home dimension i can fix all this like i found a way to do it i'm not going to do code purple it's something else i found a thing henry's going to do an insight check on his son as advantage yeah it's your son does that mean the other daddies are here too no they are not here oh daryl and ron and they're off doing other adventures cool they're all on the cia in memoriam wall because they've all died by this point oh my God.

I got a 15.

So the 15, you can tell that he is definitely lying.

He is trying to enact Code Purple.

I go, Sparrow, no, we can't.

What are you talking about?

Get down there.

We got to contain this.

He said, there's no containing it.

As you see on the screen, almost every guard station is being overrun.

The office workers are being overrun by the flesh horde that is tearing people to shreds.

The entirety of Daddy's looks like it has been compromised and looks like it's not going to really have any way of saving itself outside of divine intervention.

And he says, Dad, look, I know you don't like the idea of Code Purple, but it's all we have left.

It's going to we are not going to doom another world to deal with this thing, Sparrow.

Now get your head in the game.

Sparrow goes, fine, I'll find it myself.

And he starts searching the room.

He rules a 15 investigation.

So he finds that there is a safe underneath Henry's desk.

And Sparrow goes, combo, I need the combo.

I cast wall of stone around the safe.

Okay.

Wall of Stone just does, I assume, exactly what it sounds like.

I mean, technically, I'm supposed to play Jazzball to do this.

It's fine.

Oh,

it's fine.

That's That's interesting.

I just don't want to shame you by how easily Will would beat the first level of jazz ball.

Okay, well, okay, okay.

That hurts my feelings.

Anything else to say, gamer?

Um, you know what?

I'll do it right now.

Yeah, do it, Will.

I'm doing it.

Let's see.

The fate of the you have to read the instructions first and see that they don't make much sense.

How to play left, correct, to create a relying light spot in two.

Easy.

Easy.

That's not easy.

It just says arcade.

Here we go.

Here we go.

And then you go arcade.

But you can't just do the left or right.

Any percentage, speed run.

Okay, well, I'm, I'm just.

All right, level one completed.

How many do I need to do anything?

You've done it.

You've done it.

You've done it, and you've heard best feelings.

It's a win-win.

Win-win scenario.

Okay, so a big wall of stone erupts around Sparrow, separating him from the safe.

So Sparrow reaches into his pocket to try to find something.

And in that moment, you hear a hissing noise.

And as you turn to find the source of a hissing noise, you see that one of these creatures is looking directly at you.

It doesn't look like it's looking through you.

It somehow looks like it's looking at your group and it sees you.

And one of these CCS, it sees us, it sees us, it sees us.

So, you have one

moment to do something before the X box at its feet.

Okay, oh, risky.

You see, the stamp, the postage stamp, turns into a coffin-sized wooden box that contains an X of whoever threw it.

So, what is it?

Do you think that Taylor has an X?

That's fucked.

So, you have to get the body pillow in there

to buy

So you must give a command before you open the box.

To my body pillow?

You don't know it's your body pillow yet.

Okay, so I see the box and I'm like, it must be some kind of fierce warrior.

Attack.

Okay, so

now make a charisma throw.

My Riz throw, baby.

This would be a good opportunity to reveal like him and Hero dated at once.

They went on one date that we didn't know.

Natural one.

Natural one.

So the Xbox opens, and from it, a floating body pillow, anime waifu body pillow comes up, but its eyes are red and its fangs are bared on the body pillow.

And the fangs are actually like physical 3D fangs.

They're coming out of the body pillow.

And it goes,

and it just comes straight at you, flies straight at you, Taylor.

What?

Humico?

No.

And bites you directly on the face.

Not like this.

Rolling a DH.

Taylor's like,

wood.

Have to know, how is this your ex?

Did your mom throw away this pillow?

Did you throw it away?

I just developed feelings for a DH.

It's a body pillow, dude.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

Tail got another body pillow.

Dude, that was red in your pillow.

That was a little better stuffed.

No.

It was more absorbent, too.

Not the memory phone.

This memory phone remembers all the contours.

So currently, if an objective viewer were to look at the scene, they see basically a body pillow just tackling something that's wriggling on the ground but invisible.

Henry back in the memory is like, god damn it, we need to, what the?

Okay, so that was what you did to try to deal with the monster.

Normal has a play for the flesh monster that's running at us.

Okay, go for it.

Which is, I'm going to wrap the charm purcelip bracelet around the ring.

to see if they create some sort of like negative energy bomb and throw it at it.

Because they're kind of, it's like a humidifier and a dehumidifier.

I'm trying to overload the magic surface.

Give me a luck roll of D20.

If it's more than a 10, then it'll work exactly the way you want it to.

That's an 11.

Okay, so with an 11, it does exactly what you want.

The aura of pure and utter repulsiveness combines with the aura of utter friendship, and it pops off, and the creature is knocked backwards in a wave of ambivalence.

And the creature ran.

And then I swing at it with my sword.

How did the creature react

to the body pillow, though?

The creature did not react at all.

It's too busy salivating itself.

It's all right.

It's too scary to react to things like that.

Same way your cat would, which is just a watch do.

So you swing with the sword.

go ahead and give me an attack roll link that's a 22 wow okay whoa so it's gonna do 1d8 slashing damage and then 1d8 lego bricks are gonna shatter from the impact and hit the ground oh interesting it's gonna be two 1d8 rolls i got a seven for damage okay good damage five lego bricks okay so five lego bricks hit the ground the creature tries to move towards you and absorb the blow but when it does it stands on one of the lego bricks and takes 2d12 piercing damage oh my gosh so any creature that tries to step on you or the lego bricks that come out of it take 2d12 piercing damage so should i roll as piercing damage yes please seven to seven okay so seven its feet splay out it loses its footing goes

and hits the ground and its chin knocks on like a lego empire state building and uh

and it impales it it through its lower jaw link just stares at the lego pieces and it's just slowly he's just like oh oh no

let's get out of here

do you think someone's ever died stepping on Legos?

I don't think so.

No.

Probably not from the Lego.

Maybe somebody died because they tripped or...

No, that's what I mean.

Like, they stepped on the Lego, which caused them to stumble and then, like,

absolutely.

And die?

Yeah.

Yeah, people fall down the stairs all the time.

Yeah.

People fall down the stairs all the time.

Was it?

It was the Legos in the fall killed him.

I wouldn't be surprised if somebody cut their foot on a Lego and got sepsis because shit's crazy.

People have died from tiny little cuts before.

That's right.

It happens.

I think about it a lot.

People die.

The scary sees what just happened with the Legos, and it's just just like, see, Link, you're greater than the sum of your parts.

Oh, God, so I am a Lego?

Well, I mean, yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, you're a Lego.

Okay, cool.

Let's.

Let's go.

Yeah, like, Lego?

Like, Lego?

Like, like, let's go.

Oh, God.

I can't wait to hear that for the rest of my life.

You see Pass Sparrow pull out what looks to be a screwdriver.

He jams it into the mortar between two of the stones and he smacks it with the heel of his hand and the stones pop away.

Not because it's a screwdriver, because it's magical.

Okay.

Just you don't think that that's how I think screwdrivers work.

I know it's not how they work.

Anthony Burke, screwdriver user.

And he's going to try to paw at the safe, the combo safe, and see if he can lock pick it.

So I'm going to have him roll.

Henry's going to confront Sparrow.

Okay.

Like, Sparrow, I know you're scared right now, mister, but we need to be brave.

Like, we can't give up on our most sacred principles just because things are looking a little tough, okay?

You know what?

We'll abandon daddy's HQ.

We'll regroup.

We'll build a new daddy's HQ and we'll figure it out.

We can't let this turn us into something this horrible.

Sparrow says, mom, can you talk to him?

And Mercedes looks to you and looks back at Sparrow and she goes, your father's right.

We can't take the easy way out.

And he goes, Jesus Christ.

And he is going to pull out a gun, his gun, and shoot the lock on the safe.

So he gets a five.

So it doesn't penetrate the lock, but it's now very clear what he is trying to do.

He's going to blast his way into the safe and within a turn, he's going to be able to get inside.

Sparrow, I don't have time to have a rational conversation with you right now about this, okay?

But I'm the director of Daddy's HQ and you work for Daddy's HQ.

So, you know, I don't want to put my foot down and be Mr.

Authority about this, but we really are not going to do this, okay?

So as you say, we're really not going to do this, one of those flesh creatures tackles Henry from behind and pins him to the desk by his wrists and looks like it's about to try to start bleeding flesh onto you.

Mercedes jumps on back of it and starts stabbing away with a knife, but it doesn't seem to be doing a lot.

Sparrow and Henry are like eye to eye.

as Sparrow sort of has a moment where you can decide to try to save you or go after the safe.

And he looks at you, Henry.

He looks at Mercedes.

He looks at the security camera footage that shows the entirety of daddy's HQ being overrun.

And he sees one of the creatures turn on normal and leap through the air towards toddler normal, the past normal, the adorable one.

The gross one now.

Yeah, not the gross one.

Before the puberty.

And he's going to see all this happening.

And he looks at...

you, Henry, and he looks at normal.

And you can't really tell who he's saying this to, but he just says, I'm sorry.

And he blasts the safe open.

The lock comes off.

He wrenches it open and inside finds the amplifier that you've used previously, the dimensional amplifier.

And some other fucked up shit, too.

Some other real fucked up shit.

Real fucked up, weird, crazy CIA-like level shit.

Whoa.

If you look in there, you'll never really kill JFK.

Yes.

Thank you, but yes, the fucking the rock ass shit.

Fuck yeah.

Isn't it just JFK sitting in there?

Ah, well,

find my secret, sweetheart.

Finally, you let me out.

I'm free.

Immediately leaps out of the safe and immediately gets tackled and mauled by one of the flesh monsters.

He goes, ah,

ah, yeah, right.

Something about asking not.

We chose to swap with the moon in this decade.

So Sparrow plugs the ring into it, plugs the syringe into it, and Code Purple activates.

There's no drama behind it.

There's no moment of buildup.

There's no big loud noise.

Suddenly, there's just a bunch of people there.

And then the next second, there are a bunch of very confused gnomes and elves and dwarves who are, in short order, torn to pieces by the Doodlerized flesh horde.

It's just human beings.

Are we still here?

You feel yourself getting pulled along in the memory, along with all the humans that were inside Daddy's HQ to Fae Rune now that Code Purple has happened.

Very suddenly, Daddy's HQ inverts.

The pyramid is now a pyramid that goes underground rather than when it comes out of the top of the ground.

And the room is now upside down, and everybody falls to basically what is the ceiling now.

And there are no creatures left.

It's just Normal and Mercedes and Henry and now Sparrow and Lark comes rushing down the stairs into the room.

So Henry rolls off of he's on the ground now, right?

Yeah.

So he gets up.

What did you do?

Did it?

What happened?

Did it work?

What?

Oh my God.

Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Is there a like a monitor or anything?

Like, what does the room look like?

So they were basically a bunch of monitors that you could see all the, you know, people you were directing.

You could see every inch of daddy's HQ through the monitors and the security camera footage.

Okay, but it's all upside down.

It's all upside down now.

Yeah.

All the humans came with you.

None of the monsters came with you.

And daddy's HQ came with you.

Henry rushes to, is there like a window?

Are we underground?

You are all underground.

So when you rush to the window, you just see a bunch of soil.

Oh my God, you.

I turn back to Sparrow, and I just stare at him in shock.

And he says, I'm sorry.

Do you realize, son, what you just did?

I know exactly what I did.

And I know you're angry, but I saved you and I saved mom and I saved my son and I saved my daughter.

and we'll find a way to get back and fix things.

Tell that to Walter.

Tell that to Aaron.

Tell that to everyone we knew who is dealing with what we were just dealing with it because you just visited it upon all of them.

So Sparrow kind of just nods and looks at your feet because he can't bear to look you in the eye.

I love you, son, but I will never forgive you for this.

And then Henry turns away and walks over to the wall and just breaks down.

Mercedes goes towards Sparrow and hugs him.

She says, I know you did the best that you could, but you needed to be a lot better.

And she walks over to Henry, takes him by the hand, and then tries to lead him back up the stairs out of the building.

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Little Normal is still watching all of this go down and sees his dad standing there.

What does he see?

He sees his dad standing there.

Tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

He sees Lark coming over to Sparrow and put a hand on his shoulder.

Lark says, you did the right thing.

Sparrow shakes his head and he looks at Normal and he goes, Normal, you're about to forget everything that you saw here.

But in this last moment, before it's all gone, I want you to know that I did it for you.

I did it to keep you safe.

One day you're going to find out what I did, and I don't think you'll ever forgive me for it.

And I don't think maybe I should be forgiven, but I did it for you.

And I love you more than anything.

And I'm sorry you're not going to remember this.

Young Normal's eyes roll back into his head and he falls over, as does everybody, every human on earth, with the exception of high-ranking Deities members.

And they forget that they were ever in another plane of existence.

And as far as they know, they were always in Faerune.

They were always in this weird world that you know is Faeroon, but we know as home.

You feel gravity pull you back towards the present time.

You feel Barry yanking you back into the present, and you see the oak boys all assembled before you, a purple cloud of daddy magic emanating from them like a miasma.

It smells of regret and of mistakes that cannot be taken back.

The purple magic swirls in the air and then flows into the jar that you've been collecting all the daddy magic in, and the jar is now full.

You now have everything you need to send the dude back to their home dimension.

You notice that dude is staring into the middle distance with a horrified look on their face.

Oh no.

Oh, no.

We shouldn't have brought dude to this.

I killed all those people.

Well, you didn't.

This thing, the flesh thing, I made that thing.

I did that one day for funsies.

We've all killed people at this point, I guess.

That's, I guess, that's true.

Wait, sorry, is Link still a Lego guy?

Yeah, so now that you're back in time, you see that Link is a Lego guy.

And I'm going to just go ahead and say it because now you've used it.

As long as you're holding onto the sword, you will be a Lego guy.

Oh, that's all it is?

Yeah.

If you put the sword down or put it in your pocket or whatever, you'll stop being a Lego guy.

Link just tips straight over.

He goes to fall to his knees, but he has no knees.

He just like falls flat and face down and he starts talking.

You hear

and then his head just rotates 180 so that his face is facing up again.

He goes, whatever.

Like, yeah, that's what happened.

But,

you know, what are we going to do?

Just keep fighting him off, and I don't care anymore.

And I just throw away the sword.

Okay.

Y'all draw your heads on backwards.

And you immediately die.

No.

Wait, am I human now?

Sorry.

Yes, you were human now.

Okay.

All right.

I'm human now.

What a roller coaster of emotion.

Dude,

I don't know what to tell you.

Like,

you didn't know what you were doing.

You know?

You're just a kid.

We didn't know that either, you know?

We didn't know you were just a kid.

Like us.

So, you know.

Yeah, you don't got to blame yourself.

Although, it was jacked up.

No one's saying it wasn't jacked up.

But I don't think you would have done it if you had known, right?

Right.

No.

no, I don't think I would have.

So unless unless I was in bad girl mode because they deserved it or something, but I don't think the people in there deserved a bad girl.

So normal, seeing all of his friends immediately console dude after this whole memory,

just kind of he's just watching them and just being like, they're not talking to me because they know it's my fault, not dude's fault.

And so while they're talking to him, he just walks off into the woods.

Well, I can't roll perception to.

Yeah, go ahead.

It's only because dude talked right away.

Yeah, you got it.

You know, the squeaky wheel gets 11.

So with 11, you noticed this happened.

Normal.

But normal just keeps walking.

Fuck.

Normal, come back.

No, just go on without me.

Just go.

Just go.

Just go.

Go on without you?

Oh, man.

It's not funny, scary.

Then what is it?

What do you mean, what is it?

It's all my fault.

So what do you want?

What do you want from me?

Because I let the fucking thing out.

And then my dad did the thing.

And so this is all my fault.

So I shouldn't be involved in this.

I'm probably going to make it worse.

That's all my family ever does.

So you guys just go on.

And I'll just, I will stay out of it.

That's probably the best thing I can do.

Normal.

Listen, did you hear what I just said to dude?

Did you hear when you're doing it?

It's not dude's fault because dude is just thinking.

Dude, he was just a kid, right?

Dude was just a kid.

And so are you.

So are you.

You still are.

We're all just kids.

You know, and yes, we've done bad things.

I've done bad things, right?

I've done terrible, terrible things.

I've fucking tried to kill you.

I've tried to kill you.

And you hugged me, you know?

Why would I ever think that this was all your fault?

It was just this fucked up situation.

Yeah, you gotta stay with us.

Otherwise,

I mean, you stay with us.

Otherwise, what?

My dad doomed two worlds for me.

And he doesn't even like me.

So, what am I supposed to do with that?

I don't, I just like

you.

Yeah, there's nothing to do with that.

That's you.

You're right.

Everything you just said is right.

Okay.

So what do you want to do next?

You you want to just walk away i mean at least we have each other i mean you like scary said we forgave her we've all killed we've all done things like you guys stayed with me even after like the firefighters and everything else that's happened like yeah i know so it's funny now i guess

i guess in the scale of everything that's happened i mean everybody died i don't know there's just so much death it's just like I mean, I know what I think I could forgive that.

I just think if you just walked away from us just because that's something I couldn't forgive.

Yeah, so past is the past, Normal.

And there are many things we remember.

Except that I am why I don't.

Guys, I've been thinking about the future.

We're close to, I mean, if not fixing it, we're close to doing the only thing that we know that we can do.

So I just like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We are on a path to try and fix all this.

And if you walk away from it, now what does that make you, man?

I don't know.

You can mope after you try to fix it.

Fine.

I'll just shut up and we'll just keep going.

You're right.

Fuck it.

Whatever.

No, whatever.

It's fine.

It's fine, right?

I'm fuck me.

So let's just go.

Let's just go.

I'm being stupid.

So forget it.

You're not being stupid.

Normal.

The thing is, yeah, we're all trying to fix this, but we might not be able to.

Okay.

It might just be that we've just got to, you know,

find a way to like live with this, but together.

And I'm just saying that, yeah, we've all been through all this, you know, bad, bad, bad

shit, but sometimes I had fun.

And when I think about it, it was because I was with you guys.

So I don't want to be without you guys.

And I think that we could,

we could just try to make things better and know that, you know, if nothing else, we tried.

I just feel like I,

you know, you guys.

You know, I'm really good at being safe with the hot glue guns.

Yeah, you know all four of the rules.

You know, I was always kind of like, how do I know that stuff?

You know, even though I've, I never, you know, how do I know, how do I know all these things about guns?

How do I know?

And I see this and I'm like, you know, maybe that's why, but I'm also like, I get

why my dad looks at me the way he does because

he did all this.

He fucked over.

everyone he knew and he destroyed his relationship with his dad and his mom for me and my sister.

And I'm not even fucking,

I'm not even, I don't, I don't know.

I just, I feel like every time he looks at me, I know that and some part of me still knew it.

And that's why I don't even like myself that much.

And like, you know, because what is there?

What ultimately is there, right?

Like, you know, you guys all have your stuff that you're good at and you have your stuff that you're proud of yourselves for, but I don't have anything.

I don't fucking anything.

I just had this why I wear this stupid fucking costume because I can't, I don't, I don't have it, right?

All I have is a fucking dad who sees me as somebody who fucking grew up to be a disappointment after he did all this stuff for me yeah that sounds like a him problem yeah that's it sounds like it's his fault that doesn't sound like

it's let me put it let me put it this way norm grow up into someone you could be proud of after he did all that

norm we are proud of you and you know why

because you're the glue norm you're the fucking hot glue that keeps us together man you keep this whole school together.

Oh, shit.

We would be nowhere without you, man.

So, we're not going to let you walk into the forest by yourself.

Because where will we be without our hot glue, huh?

Teen high may be one of the most mediocre teams in terms of football and athletics, but we're in the middle of the pack because of you, Norm.

Without you, without the school spirit keeping those football teams and the basketball teams together, we would be dead last.

Look, I think the biggest problem is your dad still hasn't grown up into somebody that you should be proud of.

It's not

on you.

Like, okay, I don't.

Oh, at least you're feeling something.

Like, that's that's good.

And at the end of the day, I can't tell you what you should do,

but

I don't know.

Okay, I just think we have to keep doing what it is that we got here to do, and hopefully, we can make things better.

And if not,

then we tried.

I don't know.

I don't know, Norm.

I wish I could help you, but I, I, I, I really, I, I, I, I,

I appreciate you guys saying that.

I,

I don't know if I can believe it yet,

but if you guys believe it, and I look up to you guys, so I'll try.

Yeah, no, I don't think I believe.

I mean, I don't think I believe it.

Oh, okay.

Well, fuck me down.

No, I don't know.

It's not on you.

I'm just letting you guys know.

I don't feel, I don't know.

I don't really care.

Don't really feel that about it.

I just know that I would be sad if you got out of here because,

yeah.

I don't know.

That'd be harder for me, I guess, but I don't know i'm just i hope you feel better

okay i i i guess i do feel a little better and i'm sorry you don't feel well either and i'm not trying to monopolize the whole moment here you know so if you want to you know talk about your stuff link oh no we can do that just you know when whenever you want because you know that's okay let's just finish this dude puts a hand on your shoulder normal and goes you're you're good

Thanks, dude.

You're good, too.

You're a good dude.

And I tap dude's hand.

Dude nods.

Let's send you home.

At that moment, Sparrow sort of comes from the campfire and sort of intentionally steps a little heavy so you hear that he's coming.

And he goes,

Who goes there?

It's me, Sparrow.

Just walk normally.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

Clopping around.

I just wanted you to know that it was coming.

You think I couldn't detect your hearing from two miles away?

Fair enough.

I was wondering if you wanted to, I was hoping to talk to my son.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you don't want us here for that.

No, I was just hoping to talk to just him and

dude, actually, because it's.

You're okay with that normal?

Yeah, I'm okay with that.

Thanks, Gary.

Okay.

All right.

Bye.

You guys head back to the...

You flip them off as he walks by me.

Behind him, I give it a jerking off motion, like, check this guy out.

Sparrow sits down between you and dude, and he puts a hand on your shoulder, and then he thinks better of it, and he removes his hand.

And he goes, this isn't your fault.

This is my fault, the relationship that you and I have.

When I looked at you, I saw my own failure, and that was me

blaming myself.

And I was taking it out on you, and that wasn't fair.

And you're a good kid.

You're a really, really good kid.

You're the best son of guy could ask for.

You don't hurt people.

You're kind.

You're giving.

You're always loyal to your friends and to your school, even when it gives you every reason not to be.

And you do, you're similar.

You're trying your best.

And, you know,

sorry, I'm bad at talking about my feelings and stuff, but it's okay.

I just want you to know that

I, I love you very much, and I am proud of you.

Uh, normal's going to roll an insight on that, and I got a seven.

No way of knowing for sure.

Okay.

I, um,

I'm glad that you're now proud of me after,

you know, if we never mind, Dad.

Never mind.

Um,

I'm well, I mean, there's, there's one more thing,

which is important.

And it's that one of these days, your family is going to stop falling for this trick.

And in that moment,

a hand comes up with a collar around the dude's neck, and the image of Sparrow dissipates and becomes Willie Stampler.

What?

He puts the collar on dude, and he goes...

He wants to run towards Willie.

Yeah, everybody can run towards Willie.

You all get one turn to do something.

I think Taylor doesn't.

Taylor was already fucking doing s'mores, dude.

Lark looks around in a panic, looking for his brother.

The caller, just to remind me, was it says follow all of Willie's instructions to the letter.

I'm going to attack.

Okay.

Willie.

I'm going to do improved divine smite and 11 hit DC.

That's not going to hit him, I don't think.

Oh, no, it does.

Cool.

He has an AC of 10 because he's a sorcerer.

So it does hit him.

So go ahead and roll damage.

All right.

I'm going to do Radiant.

I forget if he said he's an undead or a fiend.

He's not.

He is a fiend.

He's alone.

He's a fucking fiend.

He's a fiend from Mojitos.

Fiend from mojitos.

God damn.

To me, 4d8, I believe.

Dang, dog.

4d8.

18.

So you do 18 damage to him?

What does everybody else do?

I cast Finger of Death.

Okay.

You send negative energy coursing through a creature that you can see within range, causing it searing pain.

Target must make a constitution saving throw.

Takes 7d8 plus 30 necrotic damage on a failed save.

So he fails the save, but he's going to use one of his legendary resistances to make himself save.

Fuck off.

What a coward.

So what happens on a successful save?

You take half that damage.

Okay, so go ahead and roll the damage and I will have it for you.

69.

Nice.

Nice.

69 damage was half?

No, that would be full.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, so.

It's 35 damage.

Normal and Taylor, your turns are left.

You go and then I'll go.

Taylor's going to draw his bow.

No.

Does Taylor have a range weapon?

I feel like I do.

You just said you need more.

You've always got your ninja stars.

Okay,

throw the.

Every time Taylor eats a graham cracker, he eats it in the shape of a short.

Should run those metal.

Cast

sticks that use the marshmallow.

Cast Thomas,

I have the dads come.

Taylor's going to be like, I realize this.

He's like, the skewer.

He sees on one hand a skewer with a little flaming

marshmallow on it.

And then over there, it's a strip of wood.

And then over there, the shoelace.

And Taylor's like, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.

And he expertly strings the bow, knocks the fucking arrow, draws it, and does sneak attack onto Willie from all the way over by the fire.

Sneak attack.

Yeah.

Once per dragon.

That's the most most plausible thing about this.

I'll give it to you.

Why not?

Because here's why.

Here's why.

Because he didn't see you specifically.

No, because the fire is backlighting me, therefore hiding me from his sight.

Okay.

I think it's less the sneak attack than the creating a bow from three disparate things within.

Shut the fuck up, Matt.

11 plus 8.

19.

So that hits his armor class.

And I do an extra 76 damage.

76 attack, dog.

I know when we're not going to win a fight, when imagine we killed Willie and they just just let us do all this, that'd be

sick.

And that's on top of the normal damage.

So 29 plus five, 34 damage.

It is done.

And he's on fire, I bet.

No, he's never made it in chocolate.

No, because the fucking marshmallow is on fire.

I technically get two attacks per action.

Can I do my second attack?

Yeah, go for it.

Andy's so blase about this because these numbers mean nothing because this is a cutscene.

I'm going to grapple, which is, if I make another grapple check, I'm just going to say that I held half my action for Taylor's thing.

So I'm going to use the skewer that he shot.

I'm going to try to pull it.

I'm going to grab him around his neck.

Okay.

Going to choke him with it.

Choke him with it.

Go ahead.

25.

Okay, well, that definitely works.

So he is now grappled.

Hell yeah.

Normal, seeing all of this go down, is going to touch dude.

And do we have the jar with us?

Yes.

I'm going to touch dude and the jar.

We don't know how to use the jar yet, do we?

No, not yet.

What happens if I drink it?

Yo, dog.

You certainly can.

That seems risky.

We're about to lose our Eldritch horror friend.

So here's what I'd like to do.

I have a spell called Plane Shift.

You and up to eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence.

So I was like, okay, great.

I can touch dude and teleport dude away from Willie.

But I'm like, where do I want to teleport them?

I'm like, oh, to their home.

And I'm wondering if there's any way I can like vibe out like what the secret to using the daddy magic is.

If you get a natural 20 arcana.

That's an 11.

Okay, so in that case, I'm going to grab dude and I'm going to try to teleport dude back to heaven since we know Willie can't go to heaven.

Okay.

I say the gates of heaven.

Okay.

Or I say heaven, interior heaven, day.

Is there anything it just happens?

Theory, it just happens.

Is Willie touching?

Yes.

Okay.

So.

Oh, but you're going to go to heaven with Willie, dog.

Well.

Shooting from the hip here.

Do it, dude.

And then I guess Link is grappling Willie.

Yeah.

So I don't know what happens to Link.

Link goes with you.

Okay.

Okay, so Link, Willie, dude, and Normal all go to heaven.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven at the end of the line, once again, with Jerry, the guy who pretends to be God.

And Willie looks around in absolute wonderment of what's going on.

And he goes, I cannot thank you enough.

Uh-oh.

Oh,

this is even better than I thought.

Back back home, undo.

And then he's going to...

Control Z, control Z, control Z.

I cast control Z, Anthony.

That would be a sick spell, by the way.

Like an item that lets you just undo one thing.

The last action that you took.

That is a fun spell.

Yeah.

Link wants to scream at one of the angels.

Angels, just kill all of us.

Judge me.

Willie is going to cast Dimension Door on

himself and dude.

And they are going to suddenly move.

500 feet ahead of themselves beyond the gates of heaven.

Willie is going to grab the gates of heaven with his arms.

And he goes, Normal, thanks.

This was all you.

And he slams the gates of heaven closed, and heaven goes dark.

Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

I know that no one knows me better than myself.

And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out

alive.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow.

I'll be on my way,

I'll be on my way.

Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlow, and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Theme song is on my way by Max DeWaller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashen Nicola is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Boom!

This is Esther the editor, here with a special thanks for the patrons who contributed the many magic items to this episode.

Ben Dent, Logan, Kay DeDemock, Ross Mackay, and Natalie Boy.

Thank you so much.

Back to Freddie.

This podcast is dressed in sport by our Patreon, and our Patreon is the names of people like Andrea Davidson, Emma Dalzell, Andrew J.

Mendez, Bailey Minney.

I'm not going to get this one right.

Epa, Guerstile, Golden Forth, Daniel Joseph, Dakota Drown, Swagmaster420, Andrew Marrero, Daniel Rivas, Sarah Harris, Brian Whitfield, Vincent Phineas Warnock, Chris Howell, Dilness Posito, Kennedy, Black Ice, Shelby Swanson, and Rotisseray.

This will be our last episode of 2023.

We'll be coming back at you January 2nd with a live show and then back to season two two weeks later starting January 16th.

I'd also want to let you know that there appears to be like some kind of merch emergency happening right now as the third-party fulfillment company we have been using has like gone belly up without warning.

It's been a wild day for sure.

Needless to say, it is a real surprise to us.

So right now there's a lot of questions.

What happens to orders that already went through?

What happens to the inventory?

We're pushing for answers.

We'll be updating you all when we hear.

The best way to keep up with updates is follow us on Twitter or follow our Patreon, and we'll be letting you all know what's going on with the merch the moment we know.

If you have any specific questions, we're standing by at community at dungeonsandadies.com as well.

So rest assured, we're either going to get you a refund or we're going to fulfill it ourselves.

So stay tuned.

It's lots of stuff happening right now.

It's been a crazy day for me.

You can find our social media links at moredungeonsands.com.

Happy holidays, everyone.

And we'll see you next year.

Thanks for listening.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, banks, and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow.

Come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way.

You know what's wild, by the way, is that that explains why elevators don't work.

Because if the building inverted, if you think about it, stairs still work, stairs still work, but elevator not work.

Elevator not work.

Elevator not work, but elevator work.

Elevator not work upside down, but stairs upside down work.