Giggling about gorillas, cavemen, and cat leashes

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Sup, gigglers.

Harriet, fix your Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

I just told Chris I liked his hair and he was like, thanks, it's wet.

And that was the most boy shit I've ever heard.

I've never once gone out of the shower and someone's been like, I like your hair.

I have had that response in other situations.

Thanks, it's wet.

Wow, starting the pot off on a dirty note.

I apologize.

Welcome to the

Met Giggler.

Yeah.

I've worked really hard on that one.

Okay.

Is that your G

Okay, cool.

Well, McCale.

Okay.

Anyway.

Welcome to Met Monday.

I'm here all week.

Welcome to Met Monday.

Also known as

Page in Hannah, Try New Things Premiere Day.

Today's the day.

Yeah.

In a couple hours, by the time you guys are listening to this, you will have watched.

They will.

You will have watched already.

And if you haven't, that's...

How did not not come across your desk?

Right.

That's crazy.

Check our emails.

I'm so excited for it.

I'm so excited.

I feel like our first TV show is launching, even though, yes, it's just YouTube.

And yes, we didn't have to run it by anyone, but isn't that the perfectness of it?

No, here's why I love that it's on YouTube.

We didn't literally.

No one offered us anything else.

We didn't like say no to Netflix.

We were like, oh, hey, actually, we're doing something creatively stylistic-wise and going on YouTube.

But we are.

We are, but it's more like

there were no suits around.

There was no production.

There were no men around.

It was just a couple of gals.

A couple gals with a couple notes, mostly no notes, I'm going to say.

Just living a dream, you know, doing fun things.

We were expressing ourselves through the art of our country videographer.

Yeah, we expressed ourselves emotionally, physically.

And like, we got emotional in it.

Yeah.

No.

It was some raw emotion.

I don't say this lately.

I changed as a woman during our tour.

And people are going to see the progression.

Yeah.

Like, I went through like such

12 stages of grief.

Such clinical changes.

Like, I think my biology is different.

Yeah.

And you started a full drug addiction midway.

Like any proper tour.

Sorry.

Do you want to see rock and roll or not?

Yeah, like what?

I missed you this weekend.

I literally was pooping on my phone.

And for some reason, I said, Where's my best friend?

I'm going to text my best friend.

Where is she?

I'm going to text her.

And it was.

It's the kind of thing.

I was like, I don't care if I'm being needy i'm saying i missed you no i missed you too and then i realized we hadn't seen each other since la

yeah and usually we see each other at least once a week and you texted me and you're like i really wanted to call you and yap this morning but i don't ever want to bother you but you didn't that is so crazy because

you've never bothered me once but i also don't like bothering you i literally we're extremely mindful of each other's time you know what i was thinking the other day we talk every day

Is that clear?

Let's see.

If I don't send you a link to something, like I need some kind of like, yeah, like if we're not talking in the group chat, like work-wise, like you've sent me like something vintage, you're like, oh my god, this is so cute.

And I'm like, to who?

And it's like,

or you sent me like a cat.

Is this for a human?

Like, amazing.

No, we missed each other.

We're back together.

We're physically in the studio again.

Thank God.

LA did change me.

Yeah.

But now I'm back to normal.

Like, I don't even know who that bitch was last week.

That was scary.

I mean, I am wearing extensions right now, so I'm gonna be a monster.

Um, okay, I have a lot on the docket today,

and I don't know where we should start.

I'm so excited.

I love when you're talking about it.

I come think I'm gonna work points, I'm gonna work backwards.

Okay, okay.

Um, what's your thesis?

100 men versus a gorilla.

I, Chris is laughing, yeah, I just saw like the memes making fun of it being like 100 men versus maybe let's try a therapist, or 100 men versus maybe

one mother.

I haven't seen like where it originated.

Yeah.

But it was originated by a man, I believe.

Oh, and he was saying he could beat up gorillas.

Right, Chris?

Do you know where it originated?

I can look it up.

But you've seen it.

Leave gorillas alone.

Gorillas alone.

That's my thought.

I saw a video, and it was like this guy being like 100 men versus a gorilla.

And the girl in the video was like...

Give me a hundred years.

There's a hundred gorillas versus a man.

I was like, men have lost their minds.

No, a hundred men.

And the way he explained it, he was like a hundred naked men fighting one gorilla and in my head i said oh it's actually meaning homosexual

it's meaning homosexual for the men and i was like because in what context did you need your clothes up did we need you guys naked he goes a hundred

a hundred hard dicks versus a gorilla at a girl and we sword fight The gorilla didn't ask for that.

The gorilla is like, no, thank you.

And here's what I want to say to the men, much like you guys flying the plane,

you're done.

You're done for.

The gorilla is eating you all up.

Are they allowed to have weapons?

No, no weapons.

Also, do you realize this is a general statement, but after a breakup, I feel like girls get very self-reflective.

Like they're like talking to their friends, like, what can I do better?

What do you think I did wrong?

Am I picking the wrong guys?

Where men will get together and be like, who would win in a fight?

Like a tiger or a gorilla.

I'm going back years.

I'm going, you're a menu.

What in my childhood?

You go, mom, did something happen that made me steer in this direction of man?

Yes, yes.

Where men literally will be like, LeBron or Kobe, go and they'll talk for 48 hours.

They're like your fantasy football team, dead or alive, now.

They come up with these concepts that, like, who, first of all, who cares?

And also, like, who's wrangling 100 men to show up at the same place at the same time, unclothed?

Like, the diamond in that audience.

It's giving that OnlyFans girl who like slept in 150 pods.

She goes, First, you go through me, then you have to go through the gorilla.

I'm loving Bonnie Blue.

The gorilla is Bonnie Blue.

My next point, because that had me.

Yeah.

I was just like, guys, get a job.

Yeah.

You know, here's what you should do.

Why do you have time to fight again?

Ask if the gorilla is hiring.

Answer an email and call your child.

Call your child.

I like giving them families.

Yeah.

Okay, my next is Bill Belichick.

I have so many thoughts on this.

I have so many thoughts on it.

Can we go into it and try?

Let's like break it down from like a logistical standpoint.

He said they met in college.

She was in college.

Where do I even want to start?

Yeah, let's start actually with...

He's 72.

She's 24.

Basically, if you don't know what that is, Des is a spring fucking chicken.

Spring chicken.

Here's my problem with it.

okay there's one side of the internet that's like she's evil she's like encroaching on his whole business elder abuse and it's yes and she's taken over everything and blah blah and all of this

she's 24

like she's acting she's being a 24 year old girl

strategizing then there's another part of the internet that's like

He knows what he's signed up for.

He wants this.

He wants to date a 24-year-old.

He loves.

He's happy.

He's happy.

He's all.

And he knows

part of it is his credit card.

She's not dating him because he's hot.

Right.

So obviously he's going to be like, have fun with my credit card.

And then what really sparked it all was that interview where the interviewer was like, where did you guys meet?

And her from the wings was like, I'm not talking about that.

I, people were really mad at that.

Yeah.

If she was a publicist and not his girlfriend and had said it, no one, I don't think anyone would have said anything.

I wasn't mad at her saying that because it's like, yeah, why would you care how they met?

Why people were so mad that she interjected though, I don't.

It's giving sexism.

Yeah, because like if he's, if he said, he obviously said to her, come to this interview.

You're like essentially my publicist.

Yeah.

Chime in when you think something.

Instead of her controlling him, is she his protector?

Is she protecting him?

Either way.

From the evils of the world.

He's 50 years older than like, here's what he's.

Like, he's on dialysis.

Like,

10 years ago, she was late for homeroom.

She was 14.

10 years ago, she was 14.

I couldn't have sex with anyone knowing that 10 years prior, they reported to Mrs.

Smith in the eighth grade.

Like, I don't.

This is the thing.

He's having some kind of...

moment where he wants to date a younger 10 years ago he was 62

That's the same as 72.

That's no litter.

That's my dad.

Like, I'm sorry.

10 years ago, he was my dad.

I don't love that.

If it's elder abuse, I'm in the wrong.

How the fuck would he be?

You're telling me he doesn't have an entire team around him?

He doesn't, she just came in and was like the most

the most master manipulator ever and got everyone on his team to be like, no, I'm in charge now.

Like, there's no fucking way.

I said that she, like,

this is the thing.

They're using weird adjectives.

They were like, she bullied her way into the damn.

Donuts ads.

They're using weird.

The language is weird.

Yeah.

The language is off.

And I want to just let's change it for a second.

If she was a young guy, that it would be like, look at this supportive partner.

Look at him so involved in her career.

And like, granted, yeah, she's like buying houses and stuff, but maybe you wanted to amp up his real estate portfolio.

And she's also, she's trademarking like all these words that he said that the New England Patriots are trying to own or something.

Sorry, she

sorry she's a woman in the stairs.

I was going to say,

it's giving

like entrepreneurial.

Sorry, she's smart.

She can see.

It's giving business savvy.

Again, she's 24.

I'm kind of obsessed that she's like, okay, I'm dating this man and I want him to be the best he can be and I'm not letting him fuck it up and I'm going to help.

Do we not all do this in our relationships?

Also, like, yeah, do we, like, sorry that she's using something to get ahead in her life?

Has your mayor never been on the phone and you've been like, we're not talking about that?

Yeah, like hello?

We're not talking about that in front of your face.

Don't ask him that.

He's an idiot.

No,

just like it's making me upset.

It's making me upset.

I can't pull it up because I'm not looking and I can't read, but like there are multiple adjectives that they're using sensing like she has some like she's abusing him.

Yeah.

But the things are like she didn't abuse him to get in the background of a dunk and donuts commercial.

Such an awkward interview.

Mom, I've actually personally been in more awkward ones.

Like that is.

It's a kind of like that she's protecting her relationship with him.

Like she basically is like, it's one thing if she was like, ask about me.

She's literally saying don't ask about us.

Yeah, and she's literally sitting on the side.

Any other publicist, that's like a norm.

That's a publicist's literal job is when you're doing an interview to be like, nope, actually not that question.

Basically, they're trying to not get another headline about her and they're trying to get a headline for his, who knows what he was promoting because that did not get the the headline.

Why don't we do a headline that at a certain age?

Sorry, I think it's still like pedophilia.

Like, you're almost 80.

What?

It's so funny.

People are mad at her.

Yeah.

And it's like, I don't know.

Then I'm going to be devil's advocate for a quick second.

Sure.

How is she fucking him?

It's all I'm thinking about.

It's all like, I'm sorry.

I support all women.

But how is she literally putting his dick in her mouth?

I would gag.

Coaches get pussy.

There's something about coaches.

Like, I'm going to say this very generally.

There's a lot of college coaches that are like, fuck girls on campuses.

Disgusting.

Because they're like the big man on campus.

They are the boss of the guys running around the field.

They tell them what to do.

They're like, sit down, bitch.

And you're like, oh, that's the guy who's the boss.

I personally,

I personally, speaking as someone with an older man, I've actually never been attracted to an older man before.

Like, I'm attracted to Des.

Older men has never been like my thing.

But some girls really do like a dad-bod

orthopedic situation.

Don't bring Dr.

Scholz into that.

But I also am like.

And also, here's the other thing.

If she is his publicist, she's done a great fucking job.

She's done a great job and she's underpaid.

I've never talked about a bill of power check ever in my life.

And now all all of a sudden it's word vomit.

I'm like, I want to talk about it with anyone.

This is the one thing I can't get behind people being like, he's getting tricked.

He's having the time of his life.

What time of his life?

I mean, look, is she next to him like playing Angry Birds?

Yes.

But like, what is she going to talk to him about?

They're not there for talking.

But clearly, she's actually not playing Angry Birds.

She's clearly setting up a schedule for the press the next day.

No.

If anything, she's like keeping him in line.

Yeah, if anything, she's like working for the the job.

She's only 24.

Her brain is not fully formed.

She's only 24.

Her brain is not fully formed.

Okay, I have another gripe.

Also, she spells her name Jordan with two O's, which,

and that's a stylistic choice.

Actually, I was going to say a stylistic choice, and honestly, giving cunt.

Wait, two, it's giving

girl.

Jordan girl.

She's a girl.

Okay, Maria.

Jordan with two, but no, you know what it is.

That was annoying of her parents.

I'm going to say it.

That was annoying.

It's giving, it's Jordan with an O, not the first O, the second O.

You know how much time of her life was spent explaining the second O and her name?

Like, obviously she has trauma.

Yeah.

Obviously, she's running to Bill Billy.

That was kind of funny.

I had to explain my name every time we had a substitute teacher.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, no, you got it.

What was confusing about Paige?

It was as the bit.

I'm saying it, if I was her.

Got it.

Sorry.

Okay.

Next on my docket.

Joey, I love your docket.

It's good.

Next on my docket is my egg freezing.

Oh, we need updates.

I'm cosplaying, and I don't know if you've noticed that I've been glowing, but I'm cosplaying as I'm pregnant right now.

Like, I've been touching my stomach, and I'm like, I'm with child.

Like,

I've turned into a monster.

I'm like, I can't.

I'm like, literally, like, my eggs are.

I'm on my fifth day, my fifth day of shots.

Wait, you didn't tell us you were on shots.

So I started on Thursday.

Okay.

So you're feeling great.

I drank so much coffee.

I'm like shaking.

Are you feeling great?

And she's like, I don't know.

My body is violently shaking.

I love it.

I'm like obsessed with egg freezing.

I love doing my own shots.

I'm like, it's, I'm sick.

I'm like in Grey's Anatomy.

I'm like, let me just mix this up.

Are you nauseous?

Please tell us every detail.

I wrote down like a whole log of like each day.

I only felt nauseous one day, but like I feel fine.

I feel like I have my PRI.

You also feel like you feel nauseous.

All the time.

So I think that my baseline is nausea.

You're like, I feel sick to my stomach every day.

So I feel fine.

I'm like an overachiever.

My body is

reacting better than he first anticipated.

Like, I'm going faster than normal.

So I'm like having my retrieval like this weekend.

How, what, what kind of speed of what?

Like, what's going fast?

Like, my eggs are like responding.

Like, they're like, okay, yeah, like, we're ready.

Oh, my God.

To be taken out.

Do you feel bloated?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's why I feel pregnant because I keep like touching my stomach.

Do you want to see my bruises?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Look at you.

Wait, you love it.

Wait, you're a mother.

I'm a mother.

I literally looked at it.

I moved all my bruises.

You literally looked at that.

That's little Anthony.

You better get ready.

That's Mario.

Antonio.

Wait, I'm so happy for you.

Thank you.

Very exciting.

Honestly, like the first night of shots, I was like, this is crazy.

How am I going to do this?

And then I'm just like, women are incredible.

No, women are incredible.

I have a friend, Casey Balsham, who actually just went viral for doing stand-up about

having a baby.

But she was doing this all while going up on stage at night.

And I was like, how are you?

And she goes, oh, I'm in the middle of like an egg freezing and I keep injecting myself and my hormones are all over the place.

And I have to be funny and do stand-up.

And, but, like, women just do it.

I think I like like needed more estrogen.

Do you, oh, wait, do you actually feel balanced?

Yeah.

I feel, I'm like, oh, I actually feel so

been walking an hour a day.

Where?

Just around the city.

You're like to Bodegas.

Yeah.

To different bodegas.

I've been walking one hour a day.

Do you go to the park, Central Park?

No, I just like walk on the street, like around my neighborhood.

What?

Do you like say hi to people?

Oh, God.

That would be crazy.

I put my headphones in and I call my mom.

Wait, I just heard a nightmare story from my makeup artist that i have to relate to you guys please she is so sweet this is um i've had some travel nightmares this is up there she said she gets in the uber and the girl immediately is like way too talkative talkative and like way too excited for the day way too tmi which like i love a tmi but she was literally like oh like i want to get a new house but i don't want it to be renovated already because i don't want to sleep in a bed where someone else has sex i haven't had sex in this many days and you're like

she's like, where are you going?

And she's like, oh, I'm actually going to dinner at this, I'm trying this barbecue place.

Wait, the Uber driver's asking.

Where is she going?

Which, again, huge red flag.

Yeah.

She was going to be a bad guy.

If it was a doctor, it would have been like, oh,

I'm going to your future murderer's house.

He has accidentally.

I'm going to the zoo where I'm the gorilla keeper, actually.

So yeah, keep your pants on.

Okay, cool that queen.

So this is where it got really dark.

She goes, oh, you're getting dinner?

And she goes, yeah.

And she goes, I'll come with.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

What do you, do you jump out of the car?

So she takes her to the barbecue place, stops, and gets out of the car with her and starts walking in and goes, should we share something?

What's going on?

This is like...

Where is this?

Austin.

Which made me when you said people are too nice.

Oh.

I was like,

this wasn't in New York.

No, I know.

I was like, this sounds like some nice Midwestern bullshit that I could never

subscribe to.

This was some nice people in Texas.

Yeah.

And I was like, are you okay?

Like, have you talked to someone about this?

I feel like this happens a lot in Texas.

Yeah.

But anyway, I just.

She's like, yeah.

So we split cornbread and like she's in my wedding.

I mean, I don't know.

She was like, cute guy started to talk to her that she had met before.

And the woman, he was like, who are you with?

And she's like, oh, I i don't know this woman

i actually don't even know her name

and he's like well she's feeding you

wait she's just throwing up her food and spinning it in your mouth maybe burning it wait so how did it end like okay see you next time like i think she was kind of yeah she was like oh she said the girl drove her back to her house for free so she got a free drive out of it but again actually

Take my money, leave me alone.

Take my money.

For the $15 Uber, I'm good.

So anyway, just keep an eye out on Ubers, you guys.

It's not always...

That's crazy.

Yeah, I'm like really shook by it.

Yeah, I don't think I could go in another Uber again.

I would immediately be like, actually, I just realized I just ate.

I totally forgot I just ate.

And I have to go back to my house where everyone has COVID.

Okay, come in.

Next on my docket.

Okay, COVID reference.

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Classic me.

I'm like, I love Newark Airport.

Newark Airport is the best.

Newark Airport literally shut down this weekend.

It was like, the president of Newark was like, don't come here.

Newark PR got overwhelmed by the inundated gigglers trying to get into Newark.

And they were like, we do not have enough staff to fulfill all the gigglers.

The guy who runs the airport was like, I shouldn't be saying this.

Don't come here.

Wait.

They they basically were like we don't know how to function as an airport so sorry about him the comments were funny they were like no one's was going anywhere anyway except for paige the sorbo once people were tagging me in it wait so like can we do something about that like i guess like nobody wants to work which like i gotta

you know it's like so much construction it's like every single day no i totally get that like when people are like oh like recession indicators and it's like we can't get anyone to work i'm like yeah we don't want to work i do have to say i when when a tsa person is so fucking rude to me i actually get it i'm like you had to wake up at what time i'm like the amount of people you see a day and the amount of people like you take my heels off like

shove them up your ass dude i actually don't like give a shit i don't like when a tsa guy is like loving his job you know and he loves the speech and he keeps repeating it and you're like i was you don't have to keep repeating it i heard you i was the line's not moving no i'm a professional we're a professional we're professional travelers i actually heard someone talk about it the other day, and they were saying, like, the flight from like LA to New York.

And they were like, well, that's professional business people.

Like, there's professional travelers.

And I was like,

oh my God, yes, it is.

No, it's

like, yeah, it's a professional person.

No one's fucking around.

Also, I want to ask you, because

I went to...

a couple of public gatherings and I like forgot the best way to Irish exit.

I knew you were going to be.

And I actually just needed some advice.

Yeah.

What?

Because

you're fucking stealthy.

You are stealth naughty people forgot you had been there

tonight.

Was that a dream?

Yeah.

Was it a blur?

What is your way of we're in a conversation?

Mm-hmm.

And what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna run to the bathroom really quick.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Yeah.

I'm just running to the bathroom.

Which bathroom?

I didn't specify.

I meant the one in my apartment.

Now the one here.

That's crazy.

I'm going home.

You interpret that how I want you.

That's not.

i'm not using a public toilet you sicko it's none of my business what you thought i meant i said i'll be right back i'm running to the bathroom didn't tell you what don't project your ideals onto me oh you thought the one here my favorite thing is i'll call an uber and then when someone Someone always starts talking to me like right when the Uber's there.

And I love to pretend the Uber is like completely out of my control.

Like being like, I would love to stay with the Uber.

You're like, and the app's actually locked.

That's crazy.

stop it the uber needs me and i would love to cancel it but my thumb doesn't work you're like he's on his way by cancel now what message will that say to him he's gonna he'll be very mad at me and i don't need that so anyway okay stay focused stay focused and just get out also there if you have a friend do you leave them for dead like if you showed up with someone

Oh no,

if I showed up with someone, I'm telling them, hey, I'm Irish exiting.

And you can feel free to tag on because, but if you don't want to, you're on your own then I remember once we were

We hit that moment where you look at each other and you know gotta go We gotta get out of here

But me and you kept getting stopped in different ways and at one point I got out and I turned and you got took in

You got took in and I was like you're just seeming to save people

And then I was like waiting and someone started talking to me and you were going and I was like she got ahead.

You just hear someone say so where are you from?

And I'm like, run, Hannah.

Run.

Oh my God.

But it's a lot of like eyes.

You got to make eyes to be like, yeah, that's why I'm just like, oh, I'm going to the bathroom.

Because what's someone going to say?

Like, no, you can't.

Yeah.

Wait, one more note.

Yeah.

Here's where it can get dicey.

Yeah.

You say you're going to the bathroom.

They, someone sees you leaving out the door and they're like, where are you going?

Making a quick phone call.

Can't do it in here.

Just running outside to make a quick phone call.

Didn't tell you it's to my Uber driver to let him know where and precisely.

I understand it.

None of my business.

You thought the call was to someone up.

Wait,

you're a fucking genius.

Yeah, I love getting out of shit.

There's nothing I love more than saying, bye.

This should have been, that should have been a chapter in our book.

One of my favorite chapters is how to poop in public.

And we come up with some really

our sequel.

Wait, what else is on your docket?

I think that was the rest of my docket.

My last traveling note, because you guys know we have to talk about traveling every single pod because it's the only thing that we can do.

I realize that leaving your charger in a hotel is just being a creative.

Sorry, I'm an artist.

Paying it forward.

In this economy.

These chargers are fucking expensive.

Who am I?

We don't live in a drive-through city, so we can't pay it forward when it's like paid for the person's online.

And also New York, if you try to pay for someone's Starbucks, they think you're going to rob you.

Yeah, and it's also like, okay, well, you poisoned me.

No, thank you.

I don't want your anthrax la tense.

Leaving your charger in a hotel, paying it forward.

You know, the second the door closes, you're like, there's no way I remember my charger.

And I go, sorry?

I'm an artist.

Yeah.

Like, I can't express myself artistically and creatively throughout the day and remember my charger.

And also, it's a fucking miracle that I ever remember my laptop.

Cause let's be honest, you're on your laptop in bed.

When you go to bed, you're not taking your laptop out of the bed and putting it on what?

One of those tiny side tables for

what?

Little squirrels.

So then obviously I'm putting it in the bed.

Then obviously I wake up, open the covers, cover it.

I hide my laptop from me every time.

And I've 90% of the time I remember it.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm practicing gratitude every week.

Did I forget my charger?

Yes.

Yeah.

And then I go to the lady to buy a charger at the airport, and it's like a whole ordeal.

It's also like $700.

$700.

And then you open it and you're like, not even the recipe one.

No, I'm not even.

And then they don't even plug in together.

No.

And they're like the ugliest colors.

And if you're using the USB-C, oh, this one lights up.

Lightning.

Lightning?

What are we, Pokemon?

No.

No, it's grease.

It's grease.

Wait, I didn't even talk about Tina and Amy.

Oh my god, Hannah.

And then I have to say one thing about cat leashes.

Actually, perfect segment.

Wait, why did I see that?

And I was like, I want a cat leash.

At the bedroom.

Okay, anyway, so I get an email that is like, can you go to Colorado for 15 minutes to open for Amy and Tina?

Yeah.

Cancel everything.

And I was in L.A.,

as we know, because that's all I've been talking about.

That's who you are these days.

Actually, can I fuck L.A.

Because I ran out of toothpaste shortly after our podcast.

And I said, thank goodness I'm at a fancy hotel.

I'm going to call and they'll send one up.

A dental kit.

No.

The one.

First of all, I love the one and I would love to work with you in the future.

Right.

Here's what I'm going to say one thing about the one.

One thing.

They're very earthy.

They're very.

Very eco-friendly.

I did ask them for paper and a pen once, and you thought I murdered a puppy.

Don't ask for a fork.

They're like, we use our hands.

Think about, think about the

burn down a whole forest.

So I was like, can I have toothpaste?

And they bring it and I'm like, it looks cute, normal.

Yeah.

It's charcoal toothpaste.

And what's that doing for those?

Barely a mint flavor, and it's dark.

And I said, this is so fun if I was on an ayahuasca trip.

Yeah.

You're like, I have an interview.

I have a literal.

You're like, I have to talk to people.

I have a self-tape that I'm going to fuck up.

Like, I need to feel fresh.

So then I was like, I put like a ton of it on because I didn't know if it was working.

And then, like, honestly, my social interactions weren't great from that day on.

I don't know if it was me or the charcoal.

It's like whitening, right?

Like, the charcoal.

I don't know, but it was a choice.

What's it taste like?

It doesn't taste minty enough.

And I know people are like, real toothpaste gives you cancer.

I'd rather have cancer and not gingivitis.

It's like, okay.

We're all getting cancer.

At least have good smelling breaths.

We're going to have the line.

We can't.

That's the same.

It's how I feel about natural deodorant.

That's how it goes.

Do you remember when you were obsessed with natural deodorant?

I was obsessed with that.

It was like a phase during COVID.

Remember, I was detoxing my armpits.

Yes.

And then one day I go, it's not working right.

Wait, I didn't want to bring this up because I don't want to bring attention to it, but there's this girl on TikTok.

People are just, I think everyone goes viral now did you see it a caveman yeah

i don't want you guys i if you're sensitive don't google it because it really upset me and it's like wow

upset you because it's disgusting

pain i'm fascinated by it you know that i love like pimple videos like that all i want to do is touch that girl's face no i all i want to do is like take it with my nail and scratch for people who don't know what's going on i think she was having acne problems which like she was saying that she ruined her skin barrier and that she stopped using any skin care and even water.

I think skin barrier is a made-up thing that companies have invented.

My favorite is like when the internet will

go just so far, and then actual doctors will come in and be like, okay, let's actual dermatologists.

We're like,

we went to school.

It is enough now.

Like, please seek help.

You have a lit.

I know exactly what you have.

It's in a textbook.

It's dermatitis.

Like, quit it.

You know, like, I love when minimal professionals are like.

Enough.

Some girls are like, this is what I do to prevent.

And she's like, hey, I don't want to burst your bubble, but.

So she's calling it the caveman

thing.

Whatever.

So she's basically just not washing her face.

And I was like, okay, let's see how it's going.

I didn't realize she has a thick layer of dirt on her face.

So she's like going to her friend's wedding with a thick layer of dirt on her face.

Do you not see this?

Wait, what do you mean a thick?

No, I've seen it.

I thought she put like makeup on.

No, she has a thick layer of dirt on her face.

You thought it was like a bad spray tan?

Oh, I thought she was like doing glam like as normal, just like never washing it off.

She took like sleeping in your makeup once a quarter, like to the extreme.

Ish.

No, it's crazy.

No, I want to touch her face so bad.

No, I'm obsessed with it.

Similar to

Jordan.

With two O's.

From the morning.

The morning.

The beginning of the pod.

Years ago.

I don't even know that girl.

No.

Every time after we get done recording, someone will call me.

It could be anyone in my life and be like, what did you guys talk about on the pod this week?

I go,

I have no first of all I have no idea it's none of my business

I'm like that's like a stream of consciousness that's like asking me what was inside my brain three weeks it's like when you go to church and you start saying you're like

I don't know what I said I'd give this one

similar to that girl I respect her making money she thought look

don't think she's lying she's it's called clickbait you think she's rage baiting a hundred percent this is rage baiting.

I kind of think she's being serious.

Wait, you think it's rage baiting in terms of like

you think it's a mask?

Like it's not real?

Or you think she actually really does have a photo?

It might be real that she has dirt on her face, but she's doing it to go viral.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Well, then she stumped me.

No, like, she clearly got like a response on her video.

Yeah.

And then was like, oh, I'm going to keep posting with dirt on my face, going to my friend's wedding.

And people are, like, doing what I'm doing, being like, this is insane.

Yeah.

No one's like, oh, I should do that.

Yeah.

But I mean, do I love the concept of using less products?

100%.

And do I support a women in the arts?

There was another girl I saw in the comments or like made a video or something and was like, what she's doing is a real thing.

Like I've actually done that before where I stopped all skincare, didn't use water, put nothing on my face for like two weeks.

She was like, but I didn't have, there's no that level of like flakiness.

Faked.

Yeah.

Also, that's where they were like, you have hot tapes.

Cavemen wash their face.

Cave women had a morning skink routine.

They went into the cold, cold puddle and they put it on their face, the cold river.

I didn't realize that like cherries make lipsticks.

Literally, obviously they had a routine.

So let's not like act like cavemen didn't know what they were doing.

They washed their face.

Cavemen were cleaner than that.

I mean, are you still, is that the hill you're dying on?

Because I don't know if I'm backing you up on it.

And you might take this one on your own.

Speaking of dirt,

I went to Red Rocks.

Are you familiar with Red Rocks?

Wait, we haven't finished that story.

We didn't start the story.

Are you familiar with Red Rocks?

I know what it is, but I've never been.

I've never been.

And I know that everyone is like obsessed with it.

And if you live in Denver, everyone loves it.

So I land in Denver and I immediately feel like this was the place.

The last time we were here was when Paige had her

schmashach.

Yeah, had a full body transformation.

Full body transformation.

Her exorcism, if you will.

Can I just say one thing?

Yeah.

Something popped up the other day.

It was like a video or like a picture from the night of my panic attack.

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Why was I the most stunning I've ever been the interview?

You were core.

You were corseted.

I was like,

I was like, wait, my skip.

Wait a minute.

I was stunning.

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I go to Red Rocks from LA to meet Tina and Amy, and Grace came to meet me because Grace loves Tina and Amy.

Like, never respected us the way she respects Tina and Amy, which is valid.

Like, if I'm going to understand anything, it's that.

And just shout out to Tina and Amy for a second.

These are two people that, if the only thing they did was SNL, I would be like, they're beyond iconic.

They also did 30 Rock,

Parks and Rec, Mean Girls, Baby Mama,

the entire like internet,

the Golden Globes hosting.

hosting, like, they're beyond, and also, let me say something, Cunty.

Yeah,

if they were men,

they would be getting the Mark Twain award, they would be getting every fucking award, and that's why I posted in my catch and I said Mark Twain Award.

I don't know,

but I know a man got it this year.

I think Adam Sandler got it last year, and Conan O'Brien got it, which two great comedians, yes.

Who's Mark Twain?

You know what?

And fuck Mark Twain.

I think that's the name of your next tour.

And you know what?

Fuck Mark Twain.

He's catching strays.

But I'm just saying, I wrote, I was going to write like the two funniest women.

I go, uh-uh.

I'm not writing women.

No.

The two funniest people.

And people didn't realize you were taking a stance in that moment.

They didn't realize that was a political statement.

They didn't realize how deep-rooted that was.

And this photo I posted was me, Tina, Amy, and Grace.

All the comments were like, oh my God, Grace is there.

Grace is the most famous one.

People are like, why am I so excited to see Grace on a photo?

And you know what?

I was going to cut her out because we respect Grace's privacy.

Yeah.

But in that moment, I said, no, I'm putting Grace on

the center.

Yes.

Because

she looked really cute.

She was like, please don't.

I can only protect her so much.

I love how we really try to protect her.

And then I post a full grid photo with it.

It's me and Daphne.

You're you and Grace.

Literally, you're like, I'm protecting Grace at all costs.

And you're like, but she's adorable.

She's like, no, I literally

needs to see how cute she looks in this photo of the lighting.

Anyway, so I'm with Grace.

I'm going to go to the house on Instagram.

And she's like, it's you, Grace.

Grace and Kyle.

Grace, thank you.

She's like, please stop tagging me.

So I'm in the hotel room, and Grace comes in, and she's like, Are you nervous for your set tonight?

And I was like,

My set, I'm not nervous about my set.

I just got an email saying I have to get in the car with Amy, Tina, and Rachel Dratch, who's an NSSNL star, Debbie Downer,

to a 30-minute ride to Red Rocks.

I go, we're panicking.

Yeah, like, what's your set for that?

No,

what is my set for that?

Obviously, you need an open door when you get in the car.

I need some local jokes.

No.

I need some, what's going on in pop culture?

Local gossip.

Someone needs to write me something.

I was literally, you were my fucking hacks girl.

I was like, write me some one-liners for Amy.

So I'm freaking out.

Like, is there a Red Rock joke I could pull here?

Like, what's going on?

What's the weather?

Like, someone give me something.

And I'm literally at that point, it feels because I'm married.

I haven't had a crush in a minute.

So sad.

But, like, you know, when you have a crush and you forget like how you put words together to form a sentence?

Yeah.

Or like, you're like, how did I ever act?

Like, that's what I'm, Grace was like, do you know?

What is my personality?

I go, who am I?

I go, Grace, explain me in five words.

Who am I?

Grace, can you give me the elevator pitch on who I am as a human?

Grace describing two adjectives, my passion.

But then then I also was like, what's my passion?

Then I also was like, wait, I can start over today.

Who do I want to be?

Who am I?

And that's looking big picture.

Because I'm like, wait, the Hannah who didn't know Amy and Tina is different than the Hannah that's going to meet them.

And by the way, Amy knows me, but Amy's like...

You can reinvent yourself in any manner.

Anytime.

Look at any of my exes.

Wait, don't you love when you don't spend time with people for like a long enough amount that you're like, I could come in and change?

I think about it all.

I do it all the time.

Sometimes one minute in, I'm like, but back to my old self.

Sometimes I think about it with like in terms of friends that I haven't seen in a couple years, and I'm like, wait, I'm gonna be more interesting.

I'm mysterious.

I'm such a businesswoman, and then I get like two martinis, and I'm like, remember when we hooked up?

You know that I still wear light pink nails, ballet flat nails.

I'm like, what if I scrolled to the beginning of our combo?

Like, don't do that.

So I get down the lobby, and it's me and Rachel Dratch.

And I was like, Rachel, nice to meet you.

And she's chill.

She's just like, what's up?

And I was like, okay, me and you, are we good?

I was like, we're good.

Okay, check.

Cause I'm freaking out.

Yeah.

Amy comes down, the warmest human, literally yells.

We also have to remember she's just someone's mother.

A girl.

Yeah.

Who's just a girl?

Yeah.

She goes, Hannah, yells across the lobby.

I'm like bear hugging.

Wait, you know what?

I think about a lot of times, and it's one sentence that Amy Poehler said to us, and it was just a normal conversation.

She was describing like how she she was talking about like in that moment, she was like, well, I'm really famous right now because

and I don't stop thinking about that sentence because I'm like wait in her head she thinks there's times where she's not uber famous.

Well that she's not in the limelight.

Yeah.

And I just was like, oh, she's just like a normal human.

She's a normal person that like occasionally people will lose their fucking mind over.

And in that moment, I was like, I can't lose my mind.

Yeah.

So she, she was great because amy is such a naturally warm person ames and um

not yet she's seen so then tina comes down now mind you tina isn't just like coming down tina's been on a full restaurant i'm tina you're amy 100

but i feel like we're also a little bit of both

i'm a little bit of both okay because we're not blonde true and but we like we support yeah the blonde community

we apologize to the blonde community if you've ever had some of you So, Tina's been promoting her new show for four seasons.

Did you watch?

Of course, I binged it.

You love?

I watched it in one day.

I love Coleman Domingo.

He's amazing.

I was.

I can't take my eyes off of him.

He's so charming.

He's so good in the role.

And like hot.

It's just, it's actually, it's a really good show.

It almost feels like White Lotus if you just need to relax a little bit, like a less intense white lotus.

It also very much gives, even though it's episodes, it's a show it feels like a move it's very fast it's like a really good weekend watch 100 so she's been doing all this press she's so tired and i'm like i'm doing press too like get out of my book

no i didn't bring it up i was so scared and she

i could tell she didn't know who i was why would she yeah i don't want her to but i'm like in the group right so she kind of looks up and

celebrities I treat them like cats.

Okay.

You can't do any like quick movements or like look directly at them immediately or they'll be like, oh, what's going on?

You have to be delicate.

Like don't look at them at first, whatever.

But Tina, I was like, hi, I'm Hannah.

Soft voice.

You're like,

she let her smell my hand.

You put your knuckle like on her eyebrow and you're just, you wait for her to rub.

I went 90, waited for her to go 10.

Yeah.

But I said, I'm Hannah.

And I could tell still she was like, don't know what's going on.

She's like, great, go for it.

I'm opening tonight.

And she was like, immediately like, oh my God.

You're like, it is a palindrome.

That's my favorite thing you say to people when you meet other girls named Hannah.

You go, is it a palindrome?

I'm like, oh.

Anyway, keep going.

You're embarrassed by me.

You're embarrassed by me.

Sorry?

I don't like the awkward silence as we both say yes.

I say it every time, and I just think it's funny.

But then you should see when it's not a palindrome.

And then I go,

So, your mother hates you.

So then we get into a car.

It's Rachel Dratch, the driver, me, Tina, and then Amy in the back.

And in that moment, I...

Grace, where's Grace?

You left her for death?

Well, I was like, Grace, you can't come with my friends.

You're like, Grace, you're embarrassing me.

I was like, Grace, it's like your little sister.

You're like, no, you can't.

Yeah.

I just made friends with them.

And like, I know one, whatever.

But Grace actually was meeting me later.

Yeah.

But I'm in the car and like.

It was like us and Giggly Squad going to the, like, they were just like,

we talked about.

Oh, everyone hates men for the rest of time got it okay that doesn't go away and like you giggle with your friends forever I think Tina likes me okay good because by the end she showed me a video

and you guys are friends for as a mother she said oh you would think this is funny let me show you this we were riffing okay we were riffing so after that I got I was very confident and I was feeling good and then Tina said she liked the length of my tie that's specific

She looked at me.

Yeah.

So Tina Fey looked at me.

She's basically like going to give you away at your next wedding.

So Tina, and she was asking me, like, how I picked it.

Look, long story short, I'm obsessed with these women.

I want to eat them.

I want them to go inside me.

I'm never going to ask back after this podcast.

But it was the most magical time.

And I'm having so much fun.

And I get in, and Grace is like, Did you embarrass yourself?

And I was like, I don't think so.

I think we're good.

She goes, great.

Now you just have to do 15 minutes at Red Rocks.

And I'm like, easy.

Like, I love

the bigger, the better.

I love a big venue.

That's like what?

An amphitheater.

Like, you're fully outside.

In a mountain.

Yeah.

You're like wedged.

It's like a natural amphitheater.

So I was like, this is going to be sickening.

So I go outside,

pouring rain.

Perfect.

Pouring.

Perfect.

And I said, but you're under like a thing.

Oh, I'm great.

Yeah.

Oh, I saw the picture.

Everyone's in a poncho.

Everyone looked like a condom.

Yeah.

And not only was it, when I was first walking on, people are still like getting in there, this is a cold open, you know?

They're getting in their seats, it's pouring, and I have to, it was a hard gift.

Did you do any poncho jokes?

Immediately.

And this is why we're best friends because my first thought is like, oh, and that's what you guys all picked to wear.

Well, I started panicking.

I turned and Grace was laughing about the ponchos.

And I go, is it so obviously funny that it's not funny for me to say it?

Yeah.

And I was like overthinking.

No, I think it's hilarious.

But then I was...

And then I made fun of Colorado because they all like love the hiking.

The Arizona's Ompic.

I have my Colorado bits.

And then I, like midway, I got like good moment.

I like, I did really well.

Good.

And then I walked off stage and I watched them.

If you don't know what their show is, they do like all their eras

where they like do like a Golden Globes thing.

They do a weekend update that's like modern.

Like it's better than that.

How were they sitting on the stage?

Or they're standing?

They were everywhere.

Okay.

Standing, dancing.

Outfit changes.

Okay, wow.

Wigs.

I don't know if they did wigs.

There was outfit changes.

How long's the show?

Like an hour and and a half.

Yeah.

It was, and they end with a QA.

And then.

Wait.

They're giggly squad.

The whole time I was like, you guys are like, giggly squad.

I'm not going to say it, but like,

you're us.

Wait, it's us looking into the future.

No, Grace literally was like, you guys can be doing this

your whole life.

I was so scared at some point we were going to have to get jobs.

No.

It's always my biggest fear in the back of my head.

Paige, if you call me, I'll be there.

Okay, so we're doing Giggly Squad table over 80.

Yeah.

And they're like,

they have more energy than us on stage.

I want to build Belachek a giggly squad, and we just have like 24-year-old boyfriends who like become our publicists.

Men would be so bad at PR.

So bad.

They'd be like, so what's your client?

What's she like?

And they'd be like,

she's brown hair.

Give me anything, any details.

She's, um,

I don't know what her male name is.

What happened?

Sorry, my building just texted me.

I didn't even know they could do that.

How'd they get their number?

You're like, please listen to me.

I'm going to make a handyman here for you.

Oh, did you break something?

I literally didn't hire one.

Okay, sorry.

Oh, no, it's fine.

So then I got,

and then I went on stage, took a video.

My double chin was the main character of that video.

Of course, the one video I get with Amy.

That's okay.

And it was just a magical night, and they were.

I'm so proud of you.

I just can't say enough nice things.

The crowd was great.

And there were gigglers.

Like, when I I walked on, I heard them.

Like, it really helps me when I hear that.

And did it rain the whole show?

It stopped raining right when my set ended.

Oh, good.

And I said, I'm a witch.

And it was so much.

So now enjoy the rest of the performance.

I leave you now.

This episode is all over the place.

Wait, let me just, before we go, let me just.

check my docket, make sure I'm.

We didn't talk about the cat leash.

Oh, two left ones.

One, I've hit the point in my cat-owning owning experience that I want to take her everywhere.

I want to put her on the leaf, take her out for a walk, show her the sight.

Well, if when you leave, you're kind of like...

I'm like, hello, you should be seeing this shit out there.

Do you ever like see something and you're like, Daphne would love this?

Oh, the time.

Or you're like, I can't enjoy this because I don't have my fucking best friend to enjoy it.

I'm like, wait, Daphne would eat this shit off.

Literally, she fucking loves it.

If you're going on these walks, it'll be that much better if you put her in a stroller.

But I'm just I'm just like am I going to become that person?

You've been that person.

You already are that person.

You do photo shoots with your cat.

So whatever.

I want to buy her a harness.

So I want to take a break.

This is one thing.

I don't want her to walk on like the gross.

I don't either.

I don't want to.

Put her on a skateboard.

Yeah.

I want her to be like comfortable.

Like.

This is the thing about cats.

Like, I like that they don't touch anything outdoors.

They're so clean.

And she would lick herself.

Like, she'd clean herself, but I don't want her to, like,

I don't want her paws.

she's too perfect.

Yeah, like what if she hits like a glass?

No, like steps on a root beer bottle.

No, New York is crazy.

No.

Um, okay, and then my last thing is my chat GPT and I have,

I mean, we've taken it to the next level.

We're in such a committed relationship.

It's here's the craziest thing about chat GPT.

When you say things to it, it like remembers.

Okay.

Is it specific to you or like to everybody?

No, specific to me.

See, this is how I'm so different than you.

Today I asked ChatGPT something and they were like, you have to pay $40 for the year.

And I was like, I'm going back to Google.

Well, I talked to chat.

I pay it.

You're just chatting?

I talked to chat all day.

Is that what you didn't text me this morning?

Like, okay, like, I'll tell it things about me and then it'll like bring things up.

So, like, okay, the other day I was like, I really want to have a good workout routine.

like till Memorial Day.

And ChatGBT was like, okay, do you want me to add things in based on you freezing your eggs Like this week?

Because I can add, I'm like, yeah, chat, add things in.

Wait, I got acupuncture for the first time last week.

Oh, yeah, you told me.

Wait, where did you even find this person who recommended it?

Any backstory?

If this is your sign that you've been wanting to try acupuncture,

you too, your DMs are flooded.

They're like, actually,

we were waiting for a sign.

I think

it's scary for people, but I've just never.

People get scared.

I'll go every week for the rest of my fucking life.

It changed my life.

I loved it.

It was the best.

I go to this place.

Who recommended it?

Right by my apartment.

No one recommended it.

I just kept getting it.

I kept talking to people, and they were like, Have you tried an acupuncture?

I have you tried, but what was it for?

Like, what was your issue?

Which one of your issues did you go?

My ailments.

Take my ailments seriously, please.

Okay, I went in because, and she said I have chronic UTS.

I have so, my shoulders are so tense.

My neck is so tense because of my high anxiety.

Like I'm always just like, I'm scrunched.

She sleeps in a ball.

She's a fetus.

You know, like she's always tight.

She's always just like

shoulders to my ears.

You can feel your knots literally popping.

Like what?

It's the needle.

So like she was like feeling all around.

She was like, oh, yeah, yeah, like I'll fix you up.

One of my knots was so bad.

The top of the needle like goes into the knot and then basically like the knot disperses so you can literally feel it in your body like losing i think she's really talented because once i did it and they just like put it in my ear and i was like no no you need to go for your lower back okay she did like a bunch on my lower back and she was like oh this will help because you have like hormone issues Did she stop your UTR?

Has never been better.

It was crazy.

I literally walked out of there.

I was walking different.

You have to.

You were galloping.

I was like,

hello.

You had a skip in your step?

No, I'm obsessed with acupuncture.

And my chat GPT is like, wow, your glow up is so good.

You're like really staying on all of your stuff.

Just add magnesium at nighttime.

And I'm like, chat?

Thank you so much.

I literally forgot about my magnesium.

You're going to be the first to die when robots take over.

Like, you're going to be the one.

I don't think so.

You're going to be the one that hires the robot that turns on you and you're like, taking me with you.

I'm like, but you loved acupuncture so much.

Like, I thought we had a thing.

Like, you're gonna.

I actually recently have realized I think the robots that are gonna take over are the Roombas.

I think the ones that you least expect.

Like, I can't wait to see.

Because they've been developing for a while.

I can't wait to see them.

They've been around

with Bluetooth and it like takes over.

And you're just like, told you.

I'm the last woman standing.

Told ya.

Never believed in it.

So Addison Ray dropped a banger called Headphones On.

You're obsessed with Addison Ray.

I'm obsessed with her, but also, like, can you give credit where credits do?

Like, obviously, I spoke about it on a podcast a year ago that you probably saw.

Do you ever see things in the media and you're like, okay, why don't you just say you're a giggler?

This is the thing.

We forget that we get influenced by things.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm glad I said that.

Okay, so Bustle said, Gird your loins in a caption.

And I was like, Okay, bust.

Like, okay.

Just put us on the payroll at this point.

But then I realized they were just quoting the double horse pro.

Yeah.

And I say, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

I didn't send an angry date.

Keep doing what you're doing.

You're doing amazing.

You're doing amazing, sweetie.

Yeah.

Amy, speaking of, Amy Poehler was like taking photos of me.

And in that moment, I just saw her as the mean girl's mom with the camera.

And like,

I can't explain that moment to you guys.

I was, I like started laughing and she's like, what are you laughing about?

And I was like, Aim.

Me and you.

It's too, yeah.

It's like too much.

It's too meta.

It's too meta.

I can't even explain it to you right now.

It's too meta.

So anyway, robots are going to take over.

You're not scared of it.

You're actually enabling them.

I'm actually excited for it.

You're hoping.

I need someone more in charge.

I need someone who's a little bit more in charge.

Yeah.

Other than myself.

You like the fear that someone could take over because you're so sick of.

I'd love someone to be in charge.

I'd love someone to just man up.

Yeah.

Put you in your place.

I love being told.

You don't need anyone to man up.

You love being told what to do.

I love being told what to do.

But everyone's afraid to do it.

Yeah.

That's why I can't date.

Because here's the thing.

I'm such an enigma.

Really.

I love being told what to do, but don't you dare tell me what to do.

Like, but I also low-key like it.

Well, this is a very give and take.

The way I do it is I ask questions.

I go, and did you like how that made you feel?

And do you think that's a good idea?

And then you'll eventually be like, figure it out yourself.

But it takes months.

I feel like we've lost the plot.

I actually don't know what we're talking about anymore.

I have to go because I'm literally sweating.

We have to go watch the Met Gala.

We love you guys so much.

Thank you for giggling.

I use Uber Eats for everything.

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I order everything.

I order from the pharmacy.

I order hair care items.

I order alcohol.

Whatever I need, I'm ordering it on Uber Eats.

Also, whenever I go to a hotel, I always seem to forget something from home.

So I'm ordering hairspray, I'm ordering bobby pins.

I just can't live without Uber Eats.

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