Giggling about authenticity, splits, and hairlines

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Sup, gigglers.

Harriet, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

It's going down, down, gigglers.

Every time the pod starts, I think of something that is like so not acceptable for the pod.

I'm like, oh my god, I also have to tell you this later because it's so unhinged.

And I wish that I could say it on the pod, but it's just like I can't.

Wait, when I just said it's going down,

I thought it was gonna come up more, but finish this song.

It's going down, down.

Sugar, we're going down, swinging.

See, I didn't know that was the words.

I thought it was going down, down, nina,

around.

What is those words?

And then I realized I don't want to know.

No.

Those, that genre

specifically,

little faking gay.

No.

I'm obsessed with that.

I didn't think that.

Wait, I've been wanting to make a TikTok of that, but I sat back, I said, which one do we do?

No, because you want to know what?

We're in like a different box.

Other people on the internet can do stuff.

And then when we do it, it's like, oh my God.

Well, everyone was really mad.

Not mad, but when I was talking about red lettuce, everyone's like, like, it's a fucking cabbage.

I'm like, do people really know that?

Is it that obvious?

No, the internet.

Because I never learned that in school.

They're like, it's a cabbage.

You could say anything.

It's a cabbage.

And someone's right there to be like, except for the fact.

And you're like, okay.

And that I've actually hit a point where I don't want to be relatable to everyone.

Oh.

I don't.

Oh, you've been in the conversation.

She goes, I have responses.

The internet is all about, everyone's so obsessed with the relatability and authenticity.

You know know what?

Let's normalize you not knowing a fucking thing about me.

Like, let's normalize.

I don't want to be relatable to everybody.

Everyone,

if you say I'm being authentic or I'm trying to be authentic, you're not authentic.

If you try to be authentic, you're not.

And for brands to be like, we're just trying to be authentic.

I can't with the word authenticity anymore.

Authentic is like the new essential where people used to be like, essentially.

Now they're like, I'm just like, being, trying to be authentic.

I want my feed to be filled with inauthentic people i want super rich people on my for you page i want to see how they live i don't want to relate to them whatsoever and i want something to aspire to what happened to my aspiring to something if you want relatability go to facebook go to your high school graduation group click on one of the profiles

speaking of that i'm missing my high school graduation no

not that I'm missing my high school reunion.

Oh, your high school reunion.

And I was going to, like, I felt good for this one.

You know, the one like five years ago.

You weren't ready.

No.

No.

You weren't ready.

But I can't go to it because it's whatever.

It doesn't work out.

It doesn't work with my schedule.

It's a good schedule.

They didn't talk to your team beforehand.

Which is not relatable.

Not relatable, not authentic.

What's funny, though, not to not to be too relatable, but beacon on the Upper West Side,

they do like reunions, but it's like in someone's garage in Bushwick with like a DJ.

It's so Brooklyn.

It's so.

Ours is like a luncheon.

luncheon.

It's like, come here and we're going to have cocktails.

No, speaking of authenticity, every Monday I'm like, let me throw a fall fit for the girls.

So there's like inspiration for the week.

When it comes to getting dressed for the pod, I can't do it.

You have nothing left.

I think it's because I'm like.

Is it because you're bringing so much personality to the pod every week that like it's almost too much to bring both the personality and the fit?

No, because I've been on stage so many times doing both, which is insulting that you'd even bring that up.

It's more like when I'm with you, I need to be my most comfortable.

And that's how I feel all the time.

But also, when you come in in a comfortable fit, I'm like, oh, she's ready to fucking go off on the mic.

I think I can say more.

Well, we always joke in stand-up, in the stand-up community, when I'm working on new jokes, I wear something to reflect it.

Like, I'll wear a hoodie.

Because if you show up on stage, I love love when life imitates art.

Yeah.

But then when the material's ready, then you put the fit together, you're wearing a tie on stage.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, I'm so in love with my new hour.

I've been having so much fun, but I did fly in today and I'm very tired.

I can imagine.

From Torney.

Were you in Virginia?

I was in Virginia, y'all.

It is southern.

I had so many of the Virginia gigglers being like, we know you're here.

You just think I'm hiding you in my suitcase.

Guys,

I was like, I'm not there.

Like, I don't want to get your hopes up.

They're like, okay, cool.

We know you're coming out.

The worst part about my show is that, like, obviously, my hour is about my life.

So, obviously, there are references.

Sometimes I'll just say Paige.

Sometimes I say my best friend Paige because I don't want to assume.

I said this.

And I like how.

I go to where we're at.

I thought a bit about how pretty you are.

Thank you.

Obviously.

That's all I require moving forward.

Literally, it's like, it's okay for your best friend somewhere else as long as she's saying your name and preaching your name.

You know what's so funny?

Every time I watch like a comedian hour, actually, the one that always pops into my head is John Mulaney's, like one of his earlier ones, he would do it all about his wife.

Yeah.

I don't mean to bring that up because they're divorced now, but I would always think, like, does he run this by her first?

And that's our relationship.

Like, you do hours about me sometimes.

No, because if you're close to a comedian, they're good.

You're going to be in the hour.

If I didn't talk about you in the hour, we're not friends.

It's not authentic.

It's not authentic.

But it's funny because I mention you and there's always like a big cheer.

And I'm like, okay, back to me.

And then there's always someone's like where is Paige and I'm like how do I tell this to you she couldn't make it to Norfolk Virginia this weekend

you were there Sunday I was Richmond Sunday I went to a cat cafe called the perfect bean get it the perfect bean yeah oh my god I went to a and beans like toe beans

a double entendre

What's so crazy is four years ago, you would have never known that.

I would have never gotten that.

And like people grow and grow and they change.

I have to make an announcement.

Okay.

I'm obsessed with the show Nashville.

I'm obsessed with it.

I'm only.

Are you really?

Well, you texted me and said, Do you want to start Nashville?

And you've never done that, but we've never had a show simultaneously.

We've never done that.

We've never done it.

I think it's a new.

But this is the thing.

I start it, and immediately I go, oh, no, no, no.

There's singing.

But it's not.

It's not like

someone's like,

I could do a pop star.

In musicals, they're like, and then I remember this one time.

Yeah, that one.

I was coming in there.

I was free.

I'm like, this is like, she's a pop star.

And then the songs, low-key, I'm like, is this slapping?

Okay, also,

they're both really good.

They all actually sing in it.

I've done some research.

And I think there really was drama on that set.

For sure, because I googled it.

And everything on the internet is correct.

Everything ever put on the internet.

And they like hinted that, because their relationship on camera had so much tension, they tried to be like, but also, just because your relationship on camera has tension does not mean you have to not get along in person.

Right.

No, I would say the majority of sets, people like get along.

Unless there's like an A-list male actor.

Then I'm sure some shit goes around.

Every single thing.

But other than that.

So for people who don't know, Nashville is about...

this older country star and this new country star.

Connie Britton and Hayden.

An original gorgeous redhead.

I think we should also point out.

So iconic.

I never knew how Hayden Panatier like came up.

Yeah.

Like I've never saw her work.

I can't look away from her.

In terms of like how she carries herself.

Like just make her aesthetic.

She's such a good villain, but then you're like, wait, but is she just complicated?

I'm, and I feel like every, someone with ADD, every scene is giving.

Now, am I triggered by any man with a guitar?

And were there a couple scenes, especially with the very religious football player, that I was like, it was feeling too close to home for me, and the CTE was raging.

But I, all the guys are so hot in it.

Yeah.

No, and you want to know why?

You want to know why?

Why?

Because it used to be on prime time television and people want to watch hot

people.

They don't want relatability in television.

I also, I fucking hate when it's all these hot women

with just below average dudes around them.

If If I wanted to look at ugly men, I would

go on the sidewalk.

Not in my television.

Yep.

I want the men, whoever did the casting, it was either a flaming gay man with impeccable taste

or a woman who hated her husband and was living vicariously through this casting process.

The men are so hot.

They're like pulling off soul patches.

I was like, am I attracted to a man with a soul patch?

Like, I'm questioning everything about that.

No, I think it was like a massive show.

I don't, like, where was that?

We were in college.

We were in college.

So it's hard to keep up with something.

The only thing I came up with in college was Jersey Shore.

Yeah.

The Thursdays, we watched Jersey Shore, but that was it.

But I knew it was always around, but also, like, I'm not a country music fan.

Yeah.

We listened to misogynistic rap.

Like, I was like, there's no way this is for me.

But also, as comedians,

we have this obsession with musicians because like we're going to all the same stages, but we don't get respect.

And they get one three-minute song.

Yeah.

And people are like, you're amazing.

Where I'll do the same joke twice at the stand and someone will be like, this bitch doesn't have any new machines.

I never said that.

Like after a joke, they're like, next one, next one.

What I wouldn't have even noticed, like the opening scene, is the Orpheum.

The Oliver.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did I say?

The Orpheum.

Orpheum, which is Madison.

Wisconsin.

We're getting all of these.

I'm always thinking of Badgers.

So they.

You perform in the first scene where we performed.

So you're enjoying it.

Netflix, I feel like, is crushing it.

I go through phases with my streaming platforms.

Like some days I'm like, it's all about Hulu, who could even compete.

Then other days I'm like, HBO till I die.

Netflix is doing a really good job because I also started that Jason Bateman show, Bad Rabbit, which I keep wanting to call Task Rabbit, but that's my own issue.

He's such a phenomenal person.

Is Bad Rabbit about like a vibrator that goes rogue?

It's about a restaurant in New York City that they like open these two brothers.

It's Jason Bateman and his brother Jude Law.

And it's like

they're like degenerates kind of.

And like it's just them like scraping by and trying to like get through.

And these guys are like trying to kill the one guy.

It's like a whole thing.

Jude Law Bate

or American.

No.

Oh.

One thing about Jude Law.

Remember when he had that crazy scandal because he cheated on his wife and he hooked up with the nanny.

The nanny.

I think his karma currently...

His hairline?

It's insane.

Go to Turkey.

No, go to Turkey.

You're already in Europe.

You live in Europe.

It's almost insulting to the American people because it's like, you're Jude Law.

Law.

Is he being relatable?

Not if you're on my TV.

Don't be relatable if you're on my TV in a scripted show.

It is.

He is off shape.

My mom loves Jude Law on the holiday.

He came up on the screen.

She said, oh.

Hopefully, I had the same reaction.

I go, oh.

Let's put some criticism on the men.

Jude,

figure it out, honey, because it's not, it's not, it's not looking the same.

Lucas coming over.

Look at it.

Yeah.

Do something.

Or is it you European men are like, I don't do my teeth.

I don't do my hair.

They're just kind of like, this is me.

Well, if you want to work in America.

Or do you also think he got cocky for a second where he was like, people love me because I'm good at acting?

I think it's just men don't think about it where women start thinking about it.

At like 23, we start getting pushed to eye cream.

So like by our 50s, we've been here.

here where men are like, oh, am I aging?

But even then, it's like they got salt and pepper hair.

We got like witchy.

But I do have to say, hot take.

I was talking to my friend.

I had like

baby fat in my face in my 20s

that has gone.

And I kind of feel like more snatched than ever at 34.

I'm the hottest I've ever been.

I'm the hottest I've ever been.

Like I was, I wouldn't say ugly,

but the feng shui was off of my face.

I was figuring it out when I was younger.

I socialized this weekend Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

What?

Oh, so you were more tired than me and I went touring.

No, I literally yapped Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night.

Went to a party on Saturday night, saw some people hadn't seen in a couple years because I'm not in the party scene.

And they said, you've never looked better.

But you know what?

It's also inner beauty.

You're shining.

I think it's my aura.

You're shining from inside.

I was like, thank you so much.

12:30.

They go, you've always been beautiful, but you had an ugly energy.

Do you?

And they go, now, positivity.

It's actually, that's funny you say that.

My brother said the exact same thing to me this weekend.

He goes, do you know that like a couple for a couple of years, you were like really a bitch to be around?

And it was like unsettling.

And we all talked about it.

And I was like, what do you mean?

Who's you all?

He was like, me, mom, and dad.

Family group, too.

And I was like, pretty much everyone was like, I guess this is how she is now.

I was like, oh, my God.

You guys didn't even care enough to do an intervention?

And then you're fired.

He was like, but you're like fun now again.

And I was like, thanks.

But get out of my apartment.

You have phases in your life where you're kind of, you're navigating.

And I did hear, mental health moment, that at those times in your life that you're feeling lost and scared, you know, this is Marilyn Monroe quote.

That means something good is around the corner.

That's how you know you're about to level up when you feel most.

When things fall fall apart.

It's so that other things can come together.

Yes.

Yes.

You know, they throw dirt on your name to grow flowers.

That's a TikTok show.

I do have to say at my stand-up shows, I always ask how people met.

And Bumble is literally one of the top ones.

I bet.

And it's adorable.

I feel like anytime I go to a wedding, like and people are asking, How did the couple meet?

It's always Bumble.

And most recently, it's always been people being like, I deleted all the apps and then I re-downloaded and then I met them.

You never know.

It's like thrift shopping.

But another person's yuck is another person's yuck.

Also, I do understand that sometimes you get tired with the dating apps and you like have to delete it.

And then when you come back, it's like you feel renewed.

You need a minute.

The algorithm is there for you now.

You have new interests.

New interests, new hobbies to talk about.

You have new pictures to upload.

Yeah.

And I also feel like bumble is always for like the tape-a girls, which I feel like is a lot of gigglers who are like, I'm taking control of my life.

Yeah, I'm messaging who I want to message, who I'm interested in.

I don't like when guys are just bothering me.

It feels very evasive.

Like, let me choose.

Let me do the choosing.

Like, I'm at a restaurant sitting down to eat.

One of my friends met their fiancé on Bumble.

Not only did she like give up on all the dating apps and dating in general, she like moved, stayed, she was like, got a new job, like the whole thing.

And then she was finally like, okay, I'm going to start dating again.

Immediately found her fiancé.

That's crazy.

I have heard stories of people being like, Who's the first one I matched on Bumble?

And I'm like, How is that possible?

But you guys, anything can happen with love.

It's honestly such a rom-com vibe.

Yeah.

Not to talk about my exes, but I did meet British Dave on Bumble.

And British Dave has never done anything wrong.

Yeah.

And he's perfect.

He lives in Australia.

He was trying to get away from me as far as possible.

I have a couple who've moved.

Honestly, a win is a win.

I definitely had the situation where the guy's photos were like him looking so hot, like in college playing football.

And it was like seven years later and that man looked so different.

I said, where is that stud from this photo?

And did you eat him?

I've had a lot of guys where like

all their interests on the dating app and like you meet them and it's like

none of those are their interests.

Also when they say I want a girl who like doesn't take life seriously.

Shut up.

Yeah.

What like likes what i like like yeah sorry sundays i'm doing my hair journey like i can't hair mask like i have to hair mask on sundays but the great thing about bumble is they're aware of all these like mistakes that happen on dating apps um so they have an id and photo verification which is amazing because i feel like it makes things feel safer yeah the only surprise is like their drink order do a full background check yeah like i don't want a guy saying he's like 35 and he's 26 Yeah.

And I'm like, where's your mother?

Like when I needed to match up with your license.

When's your curfew?

I want to see a therapy bill.

And don't make me get the authorities involved.

The profiles on Bumble kind of highlight what you have in common.

So you can quickly spot which prompts you should respond to.

Like, so it makes it easy.

Like if someone said hiking, fishing, outdoor things, I would say next.

No, thank you.

It gives you a full vibe.

I just think the algorithm and how they have the profile set up makes it so easy for you mentally and not as exhausting.

And if you're still exhausted from dating, because dating can be hard, they have a dating coach, which is really cute.

Wait, I kind of love that job application.

They give you advice tips, right?

When you might need a hand, they encourage you to show interest in their interests.

They prompt.

It's like when your girls are sick of you talking about your dating life, you're just like, bumble coach.

When you bring up the classics.

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So last night when I'm at the Giants game.

Wait, I didn't know you were at the Giants game.

Malik Neighbors.

I hate to say it.

Perfect night for a game.

So not a sentence, I would say, but it was like the best weather.

I watched it on TV.

Did you?

Yeah, because Malik Neighbors is my

fantasy league, and he hurt himself.

Did he?

Yeah.

He might have left him.

He landed on your shoulder.

No, fantasy football is just trying to like make sure your guys don't die.

Yeah.

One of my guys went out on a stretcher and I said, babe, I need you to live.

Wait, is that?

Wait, from the Giants?

One of them?

Yeah.

They're always doing it.

They ordered it on stretchers.

Here's the thing.

I'm sitting there.

I'm watching the game.

I'm eating my snacks.

And at one point I go, that is adorable.

And my brother is sitting next to me and he goes, what?

And I go, adorable.

And he was like, what part is adorable?

And I go, honestly, like the whole thing.

Like, let's just break this down for a minute.

This is musical theater, okay?

You have to remember the place.

Sorry, that's memorizing lines.

That's choreography.

That's choreography.

When they go five, six, seven, eight, and they're all putting the same outfit on.

Sorry, that's a costume.

And then they're all going out there.

They know what they have to do.

And then they're performing.

And I think it's adorable.

Also, take one look around that stadium, 85,000 people.

I go, male loneliness epidemic, where?

Where?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Singing the same song.

It's stacked here.

There's so many men high-fiving each other.

They don't know each other.

Just like having the best time ever.

Crying.

At one point, I literally go, just kiss.

Like, come on.

I was wreaking havoc, and that's Fox.

At the end of the game, if a player like likes another player, he goes up to them and says, can we trade jerseys?

And then they take each other's jerseys off.

They unclove and they swap jerseys.

It's like going up to a girl at a party and be like, I really like your top.

And she's like, I like your top.

And you're like, do you want to go to the bathroom and like switch?

And then you walk out and you're like,

I don't.

Also, then you walk out and you're like, it smells like you.

And then

at halftime, they had.

Yeah, what'd they do?

They did the ANT band, like from the college, like from drumline.

Like that music.

Yes, yes.

They were were so good.

They were so good.

And I was just like, what a great experience.

And I just kept thinking, like, the men are fine.

They're having a great time.

No, they're literally.

Juju, Travis Kelsey was yelling.

Wait, so tell me the tea because I actually had to jump on stage during it and they kept being like, they wouldn't say his name.

They were like, the main players are really angry.

Well, I think he got fined earlier in the day for making like some like gesture.

I don't know if he did like some like sexual gesture he got like fined from the nfl but then they were all during the game or just like walking around i don't know actually honestly it's so early in the day i don't know he did something i think he did something like oh referencing his crotch okay of some sort okay whatever and then he was like yelling at the coach and imagine

literally wait so he yelled at the coach he was like heated about something you could tell they were like having a little back and forth he had a little little tiff i mean the drama The drama alone.

Well, everyone's saying, like, the Chiefs, they started off very badly, their own three, and they just beat the Giants.

Okay, this is enough.

No, we're getting to it.

Honestly, I just started drifting off.

I know your eye literally.

I have three minutes and 45 seconds in me to talk sports.

You start thinking about mentioning one, and then I'm like, I think they all want to make out.

We got to change the subject.

Wait, was Taylor there?

No.

I wonder what she's up to.

I don't know, but they had prime rib and so I like ate some of that.

Did you get any finger food, though?

They had, um, no, they nothing.

No, sometimes when you go, like, fancy, you're like, okay, but where are the chicken wings?

No, I hate it.

Cause I have to be able to hold it and talk and run around.

They did have these like fried lasagna balls, though.

And I was like, you guys knew I was coming.

Yeah, but this is the problem.

If it's in front of me, I'm going to eat it.

And then if I eat it, I'm going to make it everyone's problem because I'm going to blow up the bathroom.

Yeah.

God forbid you want like a carrot stack at a football game.

And sometimes like I feel like people judge me if I decide to go healthy for a second.

And I'm like, it's not, it's not for me.

It's for you.

Yeah.

Well, it's not really, it's not authentic to you.

It's not.

Until we feel the energy.

When I'm home all alone, I don't care if I have to run to the bathroom 800 times.

When I'm in a public facility, especially where there's only one bathroom, these are things I factor in.

There's a lot of, you know that meme when she's like adding the carrying the one, like that's what I do when I see food.

I actually do do have something to say about the bathroom yeah because i spend a lot of time in airport stalls yeah which you know is like russian roulette you don't know what you're gonna get

have you ever gotten into a stall and it smells bad yeah but you're like this we just have to have to pay but then you leave and the other person thinks that you're the one who dealt it like it's because of you and do you ever want to be like it was like that before it came in you know what you know when the overall smell is just just like stanky?

Yes.

I know what you're talking about.

And at an airport, no, I don't care.

See, I think it's me all day long.

There's something about me when I step foot in an airport.

I'm on alert.

I'm pissed.

I'm like,

I'm ready to yell at anyone who tries to like step to me.

So like me, you thinking that I shit in the bathroom at LaGuardia, least are my problems.

No, but like, do you know when it's a different kind of smell?

Like, something where some something died deep inside them?

Like, it's not just like, oh, someone pooped.

Yeah.

Like, sometimes these smells are crazy.

Yeah.

And I don't want a giggler to, then she's going to the internet and she's like, Hannah Berner killed someone in the bathroom, and I went in after her.

I feel like a lot of gigglers, though, have seen you, like, in and around a stall.

Oh,

that's where most gigglers see me.

Or I'm like talking in a stall.

Yeah.

I also, when I was at the stand a lot doing spots, there's like, it's just a general bathroom.

So when I have to go to the bathroom, just bathroom.

So I'd like to see someone.

I'd be like, hi, nice to meet you.

And then I'd be like, wanna go take a shift.

No, also, bathroom meetings are so interesting because it's like, do you hug?

And I'm like, gross.

Our girls will come up to me when I'm washing my hands.

Yeah, but I'm like, let me wash my hands first.

Also, everyone who sees me at the airport, they want a photo, and I'm like, are you sure?

Are you sure?

Because it's not good.

I met a girl this weekend and we were talking about like how she met her boyfriend and she met him in the airport lounge, which I'm like, wait,

so chic.

That's so chic.

And just because you know he has points.

And like then I was thinking, like, oh my God, my mom is right.

You should go to the airport like dressed cute.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait, this is a whole new strategy.

Go to the airport, dress cute.

Go to Delta Lounge or whatever your lounge is.

Yeah.

Look lost.

Even though it's like not even that big.

Yeah.

And there's signs where the raffin is.

She said he came up to her like and just started chatting.

I'm obsessed, right?

I mean, there's definitely moments where like you're sitting alone, they're sitting alone, we're all traveling.

And you're also like in the airport and you have a crush on everyone because you're like, what if we all go down?

This could be our last time.

I had a crazy thing happen to me at the airport today.

What?

Well, I think the UN's in town or something.

When are they not?

No, I'm not.

Don't know what UN is.

Anytime you get in a car in New York City and there's traffic, the driver always says, like, oh, it's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, well, why don't they go home?

It's so freaking annoying.

So I'm in Richmond at the airport trying to get to LaGuardia.

And I love their southern accent.

But this, the lady who was in charge comes, it's a small plane.

She goes, I'm not going to say this over the speaker because it's just not.

but I wish you were dead.

But immediately, when she's like, I'm not gonna say it's over a speaker, I was like, if you're gonna say something about say it with your whole chest, like, why is it not on the speaker?

And she goes, This is on the plane, no, this is right before we're coming out.

And she goes, I just need it.

Wait, so who's she saying it to?

To all of us about to get off.

Okay.

Like, you know, when they're like, make sure you consolidate or whatever, and I'm never listening to you.

But she doesn't go on the speaker.

You could give a shit less about accessories every flight.

I'm like, consolidate, consolidate.

Like all of a sudden, you're like, I love my purse.

No, because I think it's sexist.

It's sexist that women who

have a little purse, we have to consolidate our purse.

And men have their fucking stupid little fake wallets in their back pocket.

It's like, no.

You know what?

It actually is a gender.

And then I have to shove it into my back pocket.

Yeah.

No, okay.

Anyway, okay.

Keep going.

Since I'm inventory, we're only getting flight stories.

So she goes, I'm not going to say it's not a speaker.

And she goes, apparently

I've been notified

that we need, you guys have to show us your IDs again.

I have a theory while

she goes, I have a theory while they're doing this, but I'm not going to speak on that right now.

And immediately I'm like, oh, what?

Now I need to know the theory.

I wasn't worried and now I'm worried.

She goes, I have my theories for why they want to do this.

But so so you're going to have to show us your IDs.

I think I know why, but they're there.

Anyway, so show your IDs first.

We're just going to have to do a special double check.

I appreciate it.

I look at Stuart, who's opening for me, and I go, what the fuck is that?

Yeah.

And she goes, what kind of conspiracy theory?

And for a second, I'm like, I need to get in contact with her.

Suddenly, I'm like, I'm not getting on this plane.

Like, what?

It's one thing if you're just like, hey, we're going to check IDs.

No one would care.

The fact that you go, I have

theories.

I feel like that's happened before where they're like, we're just double like when you first be traveling internationally, they look at your passport again.

Also, it's possible that like they're just being double tracking.

The fact that she goes, I have my theories.

I was like, I'm out.

Like, I don't need your conspiracy theory, YouTube shit.

Say it, say it legally on the speaker or don't say it at all.

So we're all looking around suddenly like, do we,

all of a sudden we start pointing fingers at each other.

We're like, who the fuck are you?

I'm looking around.

I'm like, who is on this plane?

So then I called Des and I'm like, this might be the last time I speak to you.

And he was like, the UN's in town.

That's why.

I'm like, then why did she make it into this

drama?

She's like, one of you is going to try and take this plane down.

And I will figure out which one.

It's like, lady.

I'm like, with planes, I don't fuck around.

Don't shoot.

This bitch went off script.

These darn New Yorkers, you know, they're always planning something.

And she goes, and you know, there's a bad history.

And I was like, I can't get into this right now.

So anyway, everything was fine.

except same lady.

We get on.

I have nothing else going on there.

I'm like, wait, can we make this into a movie?

You're so passionate.

I get on.

And then towards the end, you know, they're always like, let me get your drinks.

We're about to land.

She goes, let me take your snacks.

I said,

what?

The fuck?

What?

is going on in America right now that

you're taking my breakfast?

Didn't the UN tell you to do this?

It's like, I have my theories, but why are you taking my

huge bottle of water and she's taking this poor man's peanuts?

And I'm like, let him have his peanut.

What's going to happen?

So, anyway, the airports need to get it in check.

The most important question.

I

she was blonde.

Okay.

I was just gonna say, in my head, I know exactly what she looks like.

Yes or no, had blonde hair,

could have looked like any one of your friend's moms.

She was, yes, she was a mom.

But like, wanted to do a sassy updo, but really just had it clipped.

A thousand percent.

You know, it wasn't naturally down.

I didn't know that woman.

And it was the kind of thing that, you know, she's been doing every day since 1975.

So anyway, she was on one.

But also, I did, I did get random checked.

I had a random check.

It beeped.

And low-key is main character energy.

Yeah.

Like when you go through it and it beeps and they're like, you didn't do anything wrong, but like we just want to double check like your shoes.

I love knowing that there's something suspicious about me.

I'm like, yeah, you can't read my mind.

You don't know what I'm doing.

I just love the line of everyone in this line.

You're different.

There's something about you that's different.

And I'm like, thanks for choosing me.

I'm pick me on the line.

I'm picking me on the line.

Oh, God.

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Wait, I love looking at the note of like our shared note because sometimes it's just so crazy.

Like, just listen to this string of things.

Coffee before a flight, new line, pedophile.

New line, songs I'm listening to.

Like, that is so unhinged pedophile pipeline to songs i'm listening to

so insane so insane what is the pedophile line i'm intrigued it's such a good question i think it was

and i called him not knowing

so i'm like it could be so many things could have been so many things see i have a theory okay

um

no i was doing crowd work with a guy who had a mustache and i was just going in on him i was calling him all these names.

And then at one point, I said, I was like, you look like a pedophile.

And then I ran out of stuff to say.

So I said, so what do you do for a living?

And he said, I work with children.

And the crowd like lost their minds.

Wow.

But he was the good man, Susanna.

It's like you didn't, he's not a paid actor.

You couldn't script.

But you know what?

Actually, this couple that I was talking to, I called a pedophile.

His girlfriend messaged me after the show and said, we actually like went through like a really hard time there was like a death in the family and this is the first time we laughed in a while and she was like thank you for calling him a pedophile it really made my day and really and you know what comedy's alive comedy's alive and well um can we wait we didn't discuss

my i'm like part of the dancing with the stars community now did you notice this did you notice this

Where would I have noticed this?

Okay, you don't follow me on TikTok.

I did want to do it.

Oh, I did see you did like a really good thing.

It was like six minutes.

It was like, what is this, ESPN?

Like, swipe.

I liked it.

I swiped.

You supported, but you, but I like, I kept going.

Did you watch Nancy Without Stars?

I did.

I watched the first episode.

Okay.

So, yeah, I had thoughts, and I didn't realize it's such a tight-knit community that, like, everyone was like commenting.

Nancy Without Stars is a well-oiled machine.

They have a podcast discussing it.

They have, like, they have such a lore.

It's been on for like 15 years, I feel like.

It's been on for a long time, but I guess TikTok's making it really hot.

But apparently one of the judges

wasn't there and everyone's like, she's really mean, Carrie-Ann.

And I was like, first of all,

I do not want a nice judge.

Right.

We were raised on Simon Cowell.

We were raised on like...

He's going to read you to filth and we all have to sit back and be like, okay,

that's part of the competition.

So, like, Kevin Cowell would get canceled now.

Well, now he's like, has to be nice and it's really funny.

It's crazy.

You see the words in his head be like, don't say that, don't say that, don't say that.

I would be the worst judge.

I did judge, is it cake?

Oh, yeah.

It was heartbreaking.

These people cooked for eight hours for my dumbass to be like, this cake.

Wait, I'm obsessed with

Project, like, the reboot of Project Runway.

Like, because the new season, Law Roach is like one of the judges.

Oh, he's amazing.

wait i didn't watch the most recent episode i just saw a clip of it i can't wait to watch it but tyra banks is on it and he like quoted like we were rooting for you

Tyra like looked at him like not amused by it

and like you could tell the energy almost like and like as someone who's been on reality TV I like sometimes people will say things to you and you'll be like okay but also I was 25 and like I had a camera in my face you know yeah but that's such an iconic like

she wasn't whatever, but you could just tell she was not like, but she laughed a little.

But I could tell how she felt.

Well, also, fashion people, they take themselves seriously, but La Roach, I love how free he is out there.

Like, he's not, he's saying everything.

He's making the whole show.

He is the star.

Yeah.

You're only interested in what his opinion is.

And that's.

Honestly, sometimes, like, I'll test myself.

Like, I'll say something and I'll be like, okay, if La Roach agrees with me, me, like, this is my shining moment.

This is me in my bed by myself.

Can I manifest it?

I think

a judge on pressure.

I would love that.

And then

we have like a difference of opinion.

And I'm like, and this is why I'll never make it in this town.

Or it's good that you have a different opinion than him.

My thing is, if this is me as a judge.

Did you try?

You're perfect.

Yeah.

You're literally perfect.

Do you have a family at home?

They love you.

I love you.

You're perfect.

You're, for my job to tell someone to like ruin their dreams, you know, they woke up that morning being like, I hope I do well.

And I'm the one that tells them they didn't do well.

I think I'd be like, it's just not for me personally.

I'm so obsessed with it for you.

I'm so much of a people pleaser.

It could be like the ugliest thing.

And I'll be like, your vision is like next level.

Yeah, people.

But this is the thing.

I'm excited for Carrie-Ann.

I want to see her read people to filth.

Is Dancing with the Stars the way like American Idols.

Oh, it's once a week.

I thought for some reason, I thought it was like twice.

It seems like years.

So

they perform once a week, and then they, it takes them a whole week.

They get to practice a whole week for a new routine.

Yeah.

That is a quick turnaround.

It is, but I think they have like a couple weeks training beforehand to like get ahead on some of the technique.

Yeah.

You would have to because

everyone's obsessed with Robert Irwin, the Australian.

And all the Mormon

Whitney.

What's going on in Salt Lake City that all the ballroom dancers come from there?

Like in Utah.

So because they're so religious and they don't drink, all they do is

dance.

And they're sober.

So they remember.

Like, we just would like shake our asses drunk.

They're sober remembering choreography.

Interesting.

I heard that Mormons are amazing at musical theater.

Like they love musical theater because they don't have TVs.

So the kids.

That's the Amish.

That's the Amish.

But all, like, those of Mormons, they like put their hair in braids and then they sing choir songs.

So they're singing choir songs all the time.

Got it.

So they're just like natural born Mormons.

We were listening to Nellie.

They were like, and everything.

Okay, because I was just like, what is this weird pipeline of like Utah and ballroom dancing?

I'm.

Have you ever come across a TikTok video of like, I was just going to say like mini people.

Children?

mini adults um children ballroom dancing no but that's adorable it's it looks ai because they look like little like men and women but they're not i feel like that's abusive like don't make children ballroom dance also i got really obsessed with ballroom dancers taking their hair out Have you ever seen a ballroom dancer wash her hair after a night of ballroom dancing?

No.

Do they they have a wig or something?

No, I'm not kidding.

They like shellac their, it's hard.

Like they can tap it and like knock on it and then like them taking it down and it's all I remember from my friends who were dancers was that they had to like gel their hair and they'd have like tons of sparkles and stuff and they love their like Leos and leotards and stuff and all of it was really scary to me.

Irish step dancing ever come across your desk as a giant?

I had a friend

who was

the Irish step dancer of Parksville, Brooklyn.

And like she would pull it out at parties.

Does, you know, Des could do it.

Like, river dancing, like every time the commercial would come on TV, like river dancing.

Wait, so apparently it isn't true, but I was told that like women or whatever the Irish weren't allowed to dance in certain like British bars or something.

So that's how they would dance so that the bartenders couldn't see that they were dancing.

Obviously.

I thought that was true.

That seems like a myth.

A limerick, if you will.

That seems like not true.

Did you just say limerick?

You're so cute.

So, yeah, it's basically dancing where you don't use your upper body.

No, I was obsessed with it when I was in the city.

And they would keep their face like they weren't dancing.

And I don't understand

what the correlation was to their really curly wigs, but I was here for it.

Maybe that was their hair.

It was on.

No, no.

They would put these like massive

hair pieces that were like massive.

And it was honestly like RuPaul's drag reach before that was a thing.

I know what this is.

The next hen of page, try new things.

Riverdance.

That's what you get for putting ideas in my head.

Honestly, I have always wanted to have like super curly hair.

So like I'll do it.

Do it if I can do the hair luck.

I feel like the footwork, it's a good workout, probably.

Yeah.

But it is funny when girls will just break it out like at the bar when they're 27.

Yeah, I just always thought it was like so interesting.

How close can you?

I want to

expose you, but how close can you get to getting into a split?

Not close.

Okay, I've never like, I'm not, people don't even know I'm trying to do a split.

I know that I can get closer than you, but not close.

If we could do splits, I'd be in a split right now.

Yeah, like I would mid-conversation, I'd be like, you know, these whole personality.

I'd have a different job, probably.

That's not what

I'd be the Cardi B of podcasting.

Okay.

No, like, I can't even do the worm that well, and look how much I do it.

Imagine if I was good at the split.

Yes.

Anyway.

Like, when people bust out a split at, like, a wedding.

It blows my mind out of the way.

Here's the thing, though.

If someone does a split at my wedding.

No.

I'm.

Wait, that's worse than them wearing white.

That's worse than them wearing white.

Nah.

If you do a split at someone else's wedding, you want to fuck her husband.

Yeah, I would just be like, stop.

Unless it, actually, oh my God, I was just about to be so misogynistic.

Was it unless it was a gay man?

No, I was gonna say, if a guy does a split at my wedding, like,

okay,

but if a girl does a split at my wedding, I'm like, well, if a guy is not about you, but I just realized, like, that was misogynistic, and I caught myself.

Yeah, and that was a learning.

And actually, no one can split at a time.

No, I don't do splits.

Equal rights on this podcast.

And it's none.

But also, I feel like people who do squids, they like have been able to do it since childhood.

Like, it's like you're born with it.

Like, maybe you're born with it.

Maybe it's maybe.

Yeah.

It also seems genetic.

Yeah.

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Something funny?

I'm going to Harvard this week.

I'm going to

Harvard.

No, just

regular Harvard.

Okay.

And speaking to one of their business classes.

And

I literally got the email and I was like, why do you guys want me

and I thought let me throw the craziest fit wait I'm obsessed with this for you because

all

first you wrote a book which like no one thought no one saw that coming no one saw that coming now you're just rubbing it in people's face and getting under people's skin yeah now this is just petty now i'm like sorry sorry can i speak to a business class wait you're gonna get an honorary degree

well hopefully because currently I don't have one.

You do have to go.

How am I going to go into Harvard and be like, I don't, I didn't go anywhere.

You went to college.

I know, but now it's not a thing.

And I feel like I need to be upfront and authentic with them and tell them.

You're like, look, I don't belong to any college anywhere as of recent.

But you're an inspiration to people who can't read.

Thank you.

I've gotten a couple messages and people have been like, hey, I know you're like making fun of Paige for not being able to read or write or spell.

But it actually comes off mean.

And I go, she told me she can't read.

I'm literally just repeating what she said to me.

Never in our almost 10-year of friendship have you ever said anything to me where I've been like, harsh.

Like ever.

Like

hurt my feelings.

Because it's most

of the time accurate.

And I was like, sorry, telling the truth is not a crime.

Also, this means I came up with something to try to make you giggle.

And also, it's funny.

And also, you're a New York Times bestseller.

Wait, so what do you, is it fashion?

No, I

don't quite know.

You're like, yeah, just like, come, you're going to speak.

I think that's just like a QA.

Yes.

Oh, I love a QA.

Because one thing about us, we did a QA last week.

We love to talk about ourselves.

There's no topic I'm more informed on than myself.

We know.

My dreams.

We know.

Every now and then there'll be like a random Q ⁇ A person.

What do they call them?

The one who asks the question.

Yes.

And they are nervous because they don't ever like talk.

Yeah.

And I always have to look at them and I go, watch us go.

Yeah.

Like you, actually, you don't even have to ask a question.

We'll just start talking.

If someone comes up to us and we're in a certain setting and they say, hey, we need to fill blank number of minutes.

Me and Hannah go,

beyond easy.

We actually have been saving, we have it in our back pocket.

We've been saving some material for this.

We have 20 minutes right now.

Start the timer.

Do you remember when we did like the CBS morning show and they like were just we were just going rogue?

Oh, yeah.

And then they were like, I guess you guys can stay for another segment because we didn't hit one question about what you're promoting.

Yeah, we can do that.

You are.

We can do the show right now.

Yeah.

What are the segments?

Yeah, let's just fuck it.

We'll do it live.

Just go.

Turn it on.

I do think though it's because we're together.

I feel like if I was alone, I'd be like, let's have some self-control.

There are times where we're like in an interview and they'll ask the question.

We enable each other.

And in my head, I'm like,

if I go first, I'll quite literally die.

And that's when my head whips over to you.

And I'm like, Hannah, why don't you take this one?

Actually, we love getting interviewed together.

Yeah, because it's easy to bounce.

Speaking of, by the time this comes out, our hot ones versus is going to drop.

Do you have anything to say?

I mean, I have a lot to say.

And we don't want to give anything away, but...

Did you have fun?

I had a good time.

Do you want to know when I didn't have a good time?

Later Later that evening, I did not have a fun time.

I thought I had to go to the hospital.

Okay.

You did it before, but like with a lot of people.

I did it before, but it wasn't, I didn't have to eat every single one.

And we ate, how many were there?

Five, six?

A lot.

Because I did it once before where it was just me.

So I had to go in and they were like, don't schedule anything after this because you're not going to feel okay.

Yeah.

And I was so nervous and scared.

But you came, you came in very nonchalant.

I was like, this is fine.

You're like, I had sushi with wasabi yesterday.

I can't eat this.

I'll be okay.

And I was like, okay,

doing it.

Yeah.

But then it wasn't until like two hours later that I think my stomach had digested.

And I was like, misageda came.

Why don't you hold the fucking phone?

This is the worst thing ever.

And I actually thought at one point I was going to have to go to the emergency room because

my asshole was on fire.

I had to get baby powder.

Like, I'm not kidding.

It was, I was like, this has never happened before in the history of any human.

I literally forgot I had done hot ones earlier.

That's how bad it was.

I was like, no, my ins, I'm dying.

Like, my organs are shutting down.

They're trying to come out of my body because they're done.

They're absolutely done with me.

I called my mom.

See, for me, that's a Tuesday.

Anyone with irritable bowel, I feel for them.

I feel like as long as you're like, do it quickly, it's like, it's like puke and rally.

I do diarrhea and rally.

Not to mention, the moment it started hitting me,

I was in an Uber and my seatbelt was on and I was like, something's not, something's not right.

Why is the seatbelt so tight?

Take the seat belt off and I was like, my pants are so tight.

And then I like pull my pants and I'm like,

you gotta drive faster.

I'm gonna die.

You're so good at puking in Ubers, but you haven't done.

No, I haven't shit in an Uber yet.

Like, you know, I'm working my way up to it.

Maybe when I hit 35.

Which reminds me, my favorite thing about tour

is the Uber drivers in different states.

They really come with a story.

Sometimes they come with pets.

Yeah.

They come with...

A lot of women.

A lot of women, which I love.

And then...

Then some people where I'm like, how did

some of them have crazy stories?

Yeah.

But just in New York, York, like no one talks to you, which is nice.

Where when I get dropped off in Richmond,

I have a new best friend immediately.

They're like, you're in my car.

Let's talk.

And I'm practicing like lying and saying I do marketing, but I'm so bad at it.

I keep getting myself in kerfuffles.

Whenever someone asks me what I do, that's not like

a dad, like I'll be somewhere and I'll be like a dad.

Why?

My first reaction is to laugh.

I just start laughing.

I go, oh, just like different stuff.

It's like, I can never, I don't know if it's like my own internal, like I'm embarrassed or like.

Do you know what you say now?

I'm a professor at Harvard.

And I'm like, actually, I perform at Harvard when I perform for their business classes.

And I have an Uber and they have to get me to the stage door sometimes, but they don't know.

And they're like, can I just drop you off at this theater?

And I'm like, no, you got to go back.

And then it's a whole thing.

But I've made some really good friends along the way.

And occasionally, if we get really close, I'm like, do you want to come to the show tonight?

That's so nice of you.

But I have a couple tickets sometimes, extra.

See, you want to know here why we're a little bit different?

You go, I would, over my dead body.

Over my dead fucking body.

I'm way more scared of like being killed than you are.

See, I like attention.

Like, I don't care what you're saying.

Like, walking down the street, I'm way more alert and anxious than I think you, than I think maybe because you know that you could fight back

is what it is.

I want someone to come for me.

I remember once I was walking with my friend, and there are these, like, two frat guys behind us, and it was dark, like in the East Village, and they were talking loud, like, clearly trying to, like, freak us out.

Yeah.

And they were drunk.

And my friend was scared.

And I looked at her.

I said, I've been fucking waiting for this moment.

I hope they come for us because I will, I've been, I have so much rage that I want to to deal with this and I will save your life.

And then they didn't because they could sense that I was ready to go.

Yeah.

And I think they can sense it.

And we have to normalize female rage.

Also, what I learned up growing around, walking around New York, first of all, we're scared.

Like I never, you know, when you would like escape at night?

Like, I never escaped from my house at night in New York.

Like, oh, you know.

Like sneaking out.

Sneak out.

Yeah.

Escape at night.

I'm like, what?

When was I escaping at night?

The suburbs are not jail, okay?

We would sneak out.

We weren't escaping.

We're not sneaking out.

Like, I'm like,

I'm going to die.

Like, you just know your boundaries, but

when you, like, take this up where every day is cool.

No, 100%.

A Taco Bell parking lot is not where a young 16-year-old girl should ever be at 3 a.m.

Sonic?

Yeah.

That's where everyone used to hang out in the burbs, apparently.

But my advice to everyone is when you're walking and there's like scary people around you or you sense like a man staring at you.

You keep your head high.

Yeah.

And you look slightly angry.

And that's what I do.

I don't make eye contact.

I keep my head high and you just look like something smells slightly bad.

And they'll make comments.

They'll be like, oh, what are you upset about?

Yeah.

I'm like, you.

So that is such good advice.

Don't put your head down and look shy and scared.

Head up, chin up, and you're focused.

Also, I'm crazier than you, bitch.

Yeah.

As my wise friend Allie Colbert once said, if it gets really bad, just shit yourself.

And they'll be like, no thank you.

I actually think if something really did get really bad, I would pee.

Golf, you're crazier than them.

Interesting that you say head up because I feel like I'm always like looking down.

No.

Like my gaze is always at the sidewalk.

No, head up.

And I'm not making eye contact, but I'm swift.

Yeah, you're swift.

You're good.

I just want to.

She's like, she's getting in and out.

You want to have a confidence to you.

And you also want to look not like you're trying to intimidate them, more like you've just had a lot.

Like you've had a day and you don't need anything else.

Well, remember it was on TikTok.

It wasn't, it didn't originate on TikTok.

Someone did like a study and they asked like criminals, what are things you avoid?

And it was people that look like they're they have a purpose, like they know where they're going.

They look organized, they're put together, like they're more alert than like

someone like

sharks, like smelling fear kind of thing.

Um, but I do have to say, on the road, my favorite thing is I find like a random Luncheonette or a diner.

And if the waitress knows who I am, Luncheonette.

Sorry, she is that girl.

Okay, what do you think diners feel about luncheonettes?

They're like, okay, why did she get the cool name?

Luncheonettes are like, oh, cute, you're a diner.

We do luncheonettes.

Like, what is a luncheonette?

A luncheonette is a gay diner.

I'm just like, I'm obsessed with luncheonette.

A luncheonette is a diner that thinks it's better than you.

I'm naming my daughter Luncheonette.

Are you waiting?

My next cat needs to be Luncheonette.

Lucy Luncheonette Burner.

Luncheonette wears those Amazon socks that have curls on them.

Dude, that's an amazing cat name.

Luncheonette.

Strap, it's so cute.

Luncheonette.

Okay.

Tony, when I'm at my Luncheonette, if the waitress knows who I am, which you'd be surprised, not that often.

Yeah.

But when she does, and she's like, oh my God, what are you here for?

And I go, I have a show tonight.

And you know, they have like a long, they've been working.

They've been up.

These girls, when I'm at brunch, they've been up since 6 a.m.

And if they're free that night, then I'll be like, I'll drop your name.

So that's like

that's fun for me.

Yeah.

Cause it's like, but then sometimes I'm like, did they even want to go?

Did I just force them to go to my show?

Yeah.

And then you leave.

They're like, no, thank you.

I'm like, come to my show.

Ha ha.

So anyway, that's what I've been up to.

Moral of the story is I'm listening to Nashville.

Like I downloaded the songs.

Oh, sorry.

Wait, you forget that.

You forgot that in the beginning of the pod.

When you confessed your love for the show,

you forgot that you also downloaded, what did you put them on a CD?

I mean,

there's an album.

So

I

have to listen to music on the flight so I'm not stuck with like my own thoughts.

And I...

You're still like so against entertainment on the flight.

Well, I'm taking some small flights that don't have entertainment.

I just just can't believe you don't have an iPad.

Like, how you run your life without an iPad?

Paige, what am I supposed to watch if they don't have a TV on the plane?

You bring your freaking iPad, you download all the seasons, you get your normal headphones.

I still try to remember the 90s, okay?

When you just, all you had was your little CD player and all the CDs.

I downloaded Wrong Song and Love Like Mine from season one.

Highly recommend.

Also, do you ever have moments in school where you were like,

yeah, I'm never going to need this.

So like I literally don't care.

Dez has like a whole bit about

how calculators were so insane.

And now we have like calculators everywhere.

I just feel like I had like a foresight

as a child like cool.

I know I have to learn this, but I'm literally never gonna need this.

So I don't like deep down don't care.

And like in my life, I truly none, I never needed any of that stuff.

Yeah.

I feel like that's you with technology.

You're like, nope, don't care.

Never going to need it.

None of my business.

That's for you guys, not for me, staying in my life.

None of my business.

Wired headphones, please.

No, I flew American Airlines and I was like, where's the Delta headphones?

And they were like, bitch, you're in the wrong place.

I go, if I don't get my Delta headphones right now.

American Airlines, I'm pretty sure on the backs of their seat, have a little holder.

for your iPad.

Or is that United?

One of them.

I don't know.

Where it's like you could put your iPad in.

Am I going to be one of those moms who like doesn't let their kid look at a screen till they're like 17?

I don't know.

The type of mom you're going to be, honestly, I can't even make wagers yet because it's too soon.

But like, it could go in so many different directions.

And I can't wait to see.

Because, like, there is a world where I have a conspiracy that you become like

the crunchiest granola, organic, like, sorry, my kids don't have sugar, even though it's Halloween, mom.

Or there's a world where you're like, they're self-sufficient.

Like the 80s.

They're putting themselves in the bath on their own and they're only two years old and then they have practice at 7 a.m.

and they have to wake themselves up.

Like there is a world where you're that.

And you know what?

I dabble every day in my head between that.

Yeah.

I have to say one of Des' jokes that's really funny that I think you'd agree with.

Okay.

He jokes about how.

So I haven't seen him in a week, so I kind of miss him.

This is so fucking gross.

Where is he?

He's coming tonight from Vegas.

What are you gonna shave?

This is such a fucking good point.

We have to wrap this pot up.

I'm literally

who knows when you last say you did.

And like, I, but I know that.

I know that there's no way

you preemptively shaved for your husband to come home.

No.

No.

His joke is:

what in the American system made us go up, like,

in times tables at 12?

They were like, and we're good here.

Like, what about 13?

Yeah.

What about 14?

Why did we stop at 12?

I mean, I guess it's because like inches, but like, we're the only

country that uses inches.

Everyone else uses centimeters.

I just feel like this is why we were behind.

Sorry, my brain is working.

I'm going to just say it here and now.

Okay.

Don't talk to me about

feet, inches, millimeters, kilograms, quartz, teaspoons, tables, quartz.

Is that a kind of crystal?

Anything.

Don't talk to me in that rhetoric or tone.

Well, also, as an Italian grandma, they just go put a little bit in.

Like I said, put a pinch of olive oil in.

Honestly, the amount of times my mom said, and I eyeball it.

Eyeball it.

Eyeball it.

Figure it out.

That's all you need.

Also, yeah, no.

No one's measuring things.

What was that time you measured?

It's not for me.

I just like.

Oh, so you can get pre-packaged things.

Or, like, or, like, yeah.

Or people are like, How many ounces are in above a buck?

Wait, how about you shut the fuck up?

Also, the fact that we have to drink like ounces of something is crazy.

Like, no one's actually.

You remember, they tried to put it on the drinks to be like, what?

How many ounces have you drank?

That's it's controlling.

No, I just like that.

It makes me

very strong to me.

It's rude.

The only thing I like to drink a lot is my Dunkin' Refresher.

I actually don't give this one enough credit.

The mango pineapple.

Well, that's mine that I like to have with not too much concentrate and green tea.

When I'm on tour and I'm like really sleepy at like 5 p.m., I love a Dunkin' Refresher.

It just makes me feel awake and hydrated because I can't be drinking coffee at that time.

I'll never go to sleep.

Put me on to the mango.

Mango pineapple is really good.

I'm going to say something controversial about New Yorkers.

I think we all are eating the same four meals, even though there's billions of restaurants around.

And that's why when your friend goes, hey, I'm visiting New York.

What restaurants should I go to?

And I'm like, I ordered from Chipotle.

I'm like, unless.

And do you know why?

If you go to POPO and just get chicken and rice, I can't help you.

I'm like, I have no idea.

But look, we're relatable.

And authentic.

And authenticity is key.

He's the key to the world.

Thank you guys so much.

And thanks to Duncan for making this episode possible.

Okay, real talk.

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