Season 5, Ep 69 - Automa-Tawny the Automaton Townie (w/ Tawny Newsome)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But it's a new month, time continues its inexorable march forward, and unfortunately, I have to promote the next live shows coming up in September.

Hello from the Magic Tavern has a live show on Saturday, September 27th in Charlotte, North Carolina, and Sunday, September 28th in Richmond, Virginia.

Remember, if these shows sell out quickly, I don't have to talk about them anymore. Let that motivate you.
Regardless, links to get tickets in the show notes.

And now you can practice attending a live show by building up your immunity and sitting through this. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Ruffled Feather, in McShingle Shane Forest, on the edge of Hogsface, in the magical land of Foon.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, Baby.

Hey, how are you doing, Bubby? Uh, doing pretty good, Bubby. How are you?

Okay, Bubby.

Um,

I'm just trying to think of sentences to say that I could end with Bubby.

Okay. Do you want to...
Would writing him down be helpful? Okay, yeah. Or do you want to bring some of that? Let me see here.
I could say, like, good to see you, Bubby.

Yeah.

Oh, you can say something. I could say, Bubby.

Oh, I see. Bubby.
Bubby.

I could say no one puts Bubby in the corner. I don't know what that means, but that's fun.

I won't. I'd explain it to you, but it's pretty dirty.
Ooh. And involves dancing.

What kind of dancing? Dirty dancing. Hmm.

Picks Arnie up over my head. Whoa! Nothing's going to stop us now.

Oh, Arnie, get off, get off, get off. Oh, okay.
Sorry.

I forgot I can't shift anymore. I thought I was going to shift my arms real big so I could hold you up, but I forgot I can't shift.
Wait, wait, hold on. Are you okay, Bubby?

Yeah, but thank you, Bubby. Okay, where does it hurt, Bubby? Um, here.

Okay, okay. Oh.

Whatever. Oh, I thought you were gonna, like, kiss my arms.
Nope. Nope.
I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trocas.

The Elves know me as Fearing Alec. The Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstanges.
And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaspanius Maestar.

And there may be other secret names. Names that, if I did ere dare to speak them aloud, would most assuredly cause oceans to boil to the perfect temperature to make delicious pasta.

Oh, sounds good, buddy.

Any, I had a question about your introduction, which we've said for many years. But you said, if you haven't listened before, why would they start here?

Well, you know, they, you know, maybe they don't want to go all the way back to the beginning. Maybe they, like, read some article online about how we're great.

someone's writing articles about us i'm sure i'm sure everyone on earth is writing articles about us

because the one thing the one thing that websites on earth want is to write articles about 10 year old podcasts oh oh this is this so this is like the peak period oh yeah oh yeah well no actually we've ripened they're not surprisingly not that interested in writing uh articles about 10-year-old podcasts but i've got to imagine 10 years and a couple of months old podcasts ooh that's a sweet spot.

Well, if we hit 20, they might write it about us just because it's so inexplicable. Sure, absolutely.
Still going. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

And Arnie, you said the number one magazine on Earth is Nintendo Power. Yes.

Do you think we make it in there? I hope so. I mean, it would be great if there was just a full map of how to get through the show, right?

Like, just image after image of all the places you got to jump and punch to get through the show. Well, they'll never find my hidden magic flute, Twinkle.
Well, here's the thing.

Here's the thing. All your secrets that's the thing about Nintendo Power.
All your secrets will be revealed. They especially want to know about your magic items.
Your hidden items.

Your dirty, dirty magic items? You don't want anyone to know where you hid them? No! No! This can't be. I must stop this Nintendo Power.
This is ridiculous. What do they think they're doing?

Now they're playing with power?

It used to be a time when if you wanted to know where people kept their dirty secrets, you'd have to call a phone line and ask them questions about the game.

But then, yeah, you could just read it in a magazine. Shit, we're ruined.
Use it or we're ruined.

Everything. Oh, my magic secrets.
They'll be in this magazine. And then it'll be my undoing.
Alright, guys, look, here, I've got something that's going to cheer us all up.

You know how several months ago, actually a lot of months ago, we did March Magic on the Patreon, where our Patreon supporters could vote on which magic user was their favorite or the most powerful.

And I made a sacred promise that we would eventually have the winner of March Magic, Atomatani, the Automaton Townie, on the podcast.

Ani, your sacred promises aren't worth the stars they're written on. You've never come through on a single one of them, and I doubt you've done it today.

Well, look, I also made a sacred promise that we'd eventually have Tom Tom Bomb Bomb, the cloud, and a suit of armor on, and that has not happened yet.

I also made a sacred promise that we would eventually do a double boys night, night, although we were unclear about what that even meant. But...
Boys, boys, night, night. Boys, boys, night, night.

But

I have made good on the sacred promise. Wow.
Because today's guest is none other than March Magic winner Atomatani, the Atomaton Townie.

Oh my god, this is this is so exciting. Welcome to the table, Atomatani.

Yeah, you got it. Hey guys, what's up? I'm atomatony the automaton townie here to tell you all the talkie of the townie wow i can't believe it uh this is amazing

yeah it really is oh man i got i got so much news from towns over i've been i've been a townie in most towns that you could think of and i can tell you all about it wow so you're not just like a one-town townie Oh no, far from it.

Traveling townie over here. I am automated through clockwork and magic to be a townie pretty much anywhere I go.
You know that saying, wherever you go,

you haven't left your house. That's me.
Wherever I go, I end up there and I know all about it. One town over, vests.
Everybody's wearing vests. Vests?

It's the hit of the townie, according to a Tamatownie. Ooh, wow.
Like all our guests, you're so good at saying your own name. Yeah, I was born with it.

Well, that's fascinating.

So you were born and not created or built.

What's the difference?

Wow. Well, now we're getting...
Now we're really getting deep. What is the difference between being created, being built, or being born? Yeah, you first.

Well, I was going to say, Isidor, I feel like of anyone at this table, you should not be, you know, sort of balking at someone not being,

you know, birthed from a, you know, from a womb.

You can just say the word womb. Yeah.

Two towns over, they love the word womb. They're saying it about everything.
They're making womb lattes. They're making womb cars.

The womb cars drive themselves.

Womb lattes.

Interesting. It's fascinating.
They just, you know how you just get stuck on a word and you just use it a lot?

Like for me, one time, I started saying the phrase executive function a lot one summer, and I just kept using it.

Just regardless of whether it went with the situation, I'd be like, like, oh, that takes real executive function. When really I just meant like organization.
So they just get stuck.

That town, a couple towns over Riversplatt, they just, they got stuck on the word womb.

Yeah, Ernie got stuck on the word tomfoolery for about, I want to say 60 episodes. Oh, I have been there.
That actually, that happens in the town, Feather Dildo. They are stuck on the word tomfoolery.

They have named everything in their town Tom Foolery. I'm so sorry.
It's starting to make me angry. I'm going to take a moment to write this down because I do not want to forget.
Feather dildo.

Yeah. Bubby.
All right. Why are you writing down Feather Dildo? We lived in Hogsface for many years.
You don't remember where Feather Dildo is? I'm not, you know what?

When I'm in a town, I'm in a town, right? Like, I'm not much of like a suburbs or the neighboring towns, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be more open to learning about adjacent towns.
Yeah.

Be like me. Be a townie wherever you go.
Be open to being a townie wherever you go.

You'll learn so much what is like the key characteristic of a townie like what do you try to embody the most in your towniness oh thank you so much for asking yeah so the way i was like built born whatever you want to call it programmed uh you know conceived of is that i i just fit in wherever i go like if you show up in a town you know how you look around and you just think like you see a guy who's like got a a parrot on his shoulder and he's like drinking a warm beer like in the middle of the day and he's got like two shoes that don't match and you're just like oof that guy is from here that's kind of the vibe i give

no matter where i go do you know somebody like that yeah jeff yeah oh i know jeff jeff's great shame what happened oh it really is yeah it really is uh ani did you know jeff uh is he the guy that fell off the bridges yeah all of them that's right all of them all of them he fell off every bridge at first it was tragic then it got funny.

Then it was very tragic. Yeah.
But throughout all of it, it was always impressive.

Exactly. Truer words never spoken.
Automatony, could I trouble you

to know what you'd like from the bar? I would happily buy you a round of drinks or some food.

Oh! I don't know what you consume, though.

Well, just like, you know, being now I'm from here, now I'm a hogsface local, and I'm a regular, so of course I want the signature dish of the ruffled feather. So

what is that? I'm looking at the chalkboard behind the bar and I swear earlier today this wasn't there. But on the posted menu, there is a dish called the automatani.
Oh, already, huh?

Nice work, guys. Yeah, sometimes the magic works quicker, you know? That's great.

It's nice when it actually, like, they actually read the writer and it's actually ahead of me and it gets there in time. Sometimes I show up and they don't have a special yet.

But yeah, I'll take one of my own specials. Thank you so much.

I'll be right back with that. Would anyone else like an automatoni?

I mean, she always eats how the locals eat. I'll have what she has.
Oh, yeah, I'll have today's special. It's about to appear.
Hell yeah. Very well.
Four automatanis coming right up. Nice.

Do you guys like spicy milks? Oh, shit. Shit.

Fuck. It's good for the gut.
Oh, oh, okay.

Sounds like it would be both soothing and terrible for your digestion digestion at the same time. It teaches you patience.

Oh, man. Huh.
This really stopped me in my tracks, if I'm being honest. Yeah, I have that effect on people.
People have called me chilling. I have a chilling effect when I enter a room.

And, you know, I just embrace it and I say, hey, it's not easy to be like a not exactly corporeal being.

You know, amongst the rest of you all, I assume you're all made of some kind of flesh.

So, you know, I am am different, but I self-soothe by making sure I really feel like I'm from every place that I go, you know? Can I ask, and please let me know if this is too personal.

What are some of the materials that you're made out of?

So

definitely like your basic, like rock sticks, metal, glitter,

loose liquids. Loose liquids.

Yeah, like just always loose, never contained. Sure.
There's some dribbling out, I noticed. Yeah, that's gonna happen.
That's gonna happen a lot.

And then a lot of magnesium, weirdly. I'm kind of like 92% electrolytes.

Does that help you sleep? It must. I sleep like a stone baby.
I sleep like a baby made of stone.

Oh boy.

Have you ever seen anything sleep harder than a baby made out of stone? No.

They are tired. Ha, here we are.
Four automatonis, brimming and bubbling as they are. Here, enjoy.

oh nice looks like they got they gave them extra spice

totems up

Yay totems up townies all aroundies

Yay, cheers

that milk is thick

Yeah, and sharp

Yeah, it's a thick sharp milk that hurts a little bit. Yeah, it like burns and then it soothes, but then it burns again.
Yeah,

kind of like

being from somewhere yeah

all right it feels like it's drinking me back does that make sense

oh wait i could interpret that two ways do you mean it's like bringing me back like oh this is drinking me back to the good times or the drink is drinking you

sweet arnie sweet sweet arty is there a clear answer here well let's take a quick break and we'll be right back

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And we're drinking you back to the show. So I don't know if you guys get out much, but one of the services I offer is

because I am a townie of most towns, still working on being from the rest of them. Oh, one of the towny services.

Yeah, so I can tell you the trends that are happening in the more popular towns, you know, what people are wearing, drinking, how they're handling their divorces, like anything you guys want to know that's trending,

I can tell you what's going on. Can I ask what town is handling their divorces the best, and which town is handling them the worst? Ooh, okay, so the town that has...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I want to guess. Can I guess?

I'd guess the one that's handling it the worst is Skur.

Oh, yeah,

Skur is doing bad. They're doing bad at it.
But you know what? We love them.

It's not their fault. You know.
Have you been there? Oh, I have been there.

It's so close to the Shrike Valley, which is, you know, a den of evil. But, you know, the people of Skur are good people.
They're really good.

It's just too hot there, so nobody wants to sit down and have a conversation. And that's essential in a healthy divorce.
You know, there's lava coming out of that volcano

all the time. All the time.
How are you supposed to sit through

a couple's therapy session when you got to deal with the lava? You know what I mean? So that's not their fault. And then the town that's handling it the best is probably Wagsmorth.

That's the town of all dogs. Oh.

Yeah, dog divorces,

I don't want to say easy, but they just seem so happy all the time. Amicable.
Amicable. Very amicable, the dog divorces.
Yeah. A lot of times, they get back together.

Yeah, they just can't, you know, they're just so loyal. Or they forget.
They're like, oh, shit. Was I married before? Yeah, so they're doing great.
So, yeah.

I wonder if a dog is ever like sniffing a button. It's like, oh, shit, this is my ex-wife.

That's a shirt.

No, arnie i'm sorry i'm saying that's a shirt i saw in in uh wagsworth wagsmith mirth

oh that's spicy milk that spicy milk i choked on a little

i chose choked on a curd in there i heard they handle divorce okay in feather dildo i know they are famous for the no-womb divorce yeah yeah they

I don't really, yeah, I gotta be honest, I was a townie there for about two weeks, and I don't know what that means, but the vibes were good there. Things felt good.

Everybody was pretty, pretty relaxed, you know. Isn't that their slogan? Things feel good in Featherdill, though? Yeah,

yeah.

And it's like dot, dot, dot, ha, ha, ha,

yeah, yeah, they do do all the punctuation when they're writing their signs. Long sign when you drive into the town, though.
Yeah. They have a lot of good people working for public relations there.

Their old slogan, it tickles down there, was a little more succinct. Yeah.
Ah, got it. It was, I mean, it's better than their very first slogan, which was, don't put us in the dishwasher.

Yeah.

Also, frankly, good advice for feathers. Just good advice.
Yeah, it works for both parts of their name. It's like just info you need to know.

And that's the type of, you know, facts I collect going around being the townie

all over the land. So.

Oh, yes. But other services.
What I need to know desperately is how are people banding together to form quests to defeat the forces of

Um, so some of them were wearing these like pink hats, okay, and like going into the street, okay, and then getting like a little coffee afterwards.

And that did not work, but it made them they thought it was working, and they felt really good about themselves. Sure, good.
And when they got coffee, sorry, I'm so hung up about the coffee.

When they got a little coffee, was it a womb latte or was it

usually the pink hat people were getting a lot of womb lattes? Yeah, yeah, and then just being like, allies. So that was ineffective.
Yeah.

But, you know, honestly, it kept those people out of the way. So I'm like, at least if you're going to be useless, go over there.
That's how I felt. Just as a local.
Hey. You know.

They're doing something.

Not really. Well, I mean, I mean, like, to your point, they're doing something that occupies them.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like giving somebody a,

you know, a magic cube. It's like, just sit down and figure this out for a while.
Yeah. Oh, Ani, have you ever had a magic cube?

I don't think so. Error, true,

there you go. Oh.
Oh. Figure it out.

It's going to take you a minute.

Atomatani, I hate to put you on the spot, but it's just... Because you walked into the Ruffled Feather and you're immediately sort of the most local person.

Yeah, from here instantly. Would you mind here at the Ruffled Feather, would you mind giving us like a haunted tour? Anytime I go to a town, I just love taking a haunted tour.
Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, the main thing that I try and do when I become from a place is know who was killed everywhere, where everyone was killed. It helps you get a lay of the land.
Yeah, I really do.

I'm like, okay, what murders? What, you know, suspicious activity was happening. So yeah, you want to start with this booth right here?

Yeah, and would you, Atomatani, would you mind holding this lantern and wearing this cape? Oh, sure. Actually, I was a little chilly, so thank you so much.
Okay, let me put this on. Ooh, nice.

I solved the magic cube. Sorry, I'm back.
What? I solved the magic cube. The fuck? It's really fast.
That can't be right. Let me look at this.
Yeah, Jimmy. You go on the tour.

I'm going to look at the camera. Okay, whoever's coming on the tour, is this lantern turned on? Let me make sure it's...
Okay. Ooh, big flame.
Ooh, safe. Are you inflammable? Are you?

I'm pretty flammable. I'm made of a lot of stuff that shouldn't be near this.
Yeah, yeah. Also, I am kind of like a

code like safety inspector. So part of the ways that I've become super local is to like take on a job about like, you know, permissions and clearances for safety and buildings.

So this lantern shouldn't be here. Yeah.
The kind of job that endears you to locals immediately. Yes.
They're like, oh shit, here comes Automatoni, our favorite pain in the ass.

Alright, so I'm going to put this lantern down because it's not code compliant. But yeah, so this booth over here,

so many people died.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Some of them are still in here. Yeah, there's ghosts, and it's haunting us.
Grizzly? Yeah, a grizzly bear did it. He killed all the people, and he just kept coming back.

And they were like, why does he like this one booth so much? And then it was also like, maybe people shouldn't sit in the booth where the grizzly...

Because he wouldn't touch anybody else in any of the other booths. Yeah.
And we don't really know, because we don't speak his language.

Like, what was going on for him at the time. But, you know, R.I.P.
to those souls, everybody, you know. Do we know if the bear is still alive?

Because I just want to be careful not to sit in this booth. I would just stay away from the booth.
Yeah, yeah. Because he might have taught, like, a descendant

something,

you know? So we don't want anybody to... Yeah, I really don't.
I think the booth should just be gotten rid of. Do you guys know the owners of this place?

We do, actually. It's our good friend Flower, the talking flower.
I'm not sure.

Flower's behind the bar. Flower, do you want to yell something that we'll get you to record later? Hey, come here often? Well, fucking stop it because it's disgusting.
Use a sock or something.

It's everywhere. I have to clean it up.
Classic flower.

She's scary.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the scariest.
Arne, I never thought about it, but the ruffled feather? I think the original owner was from Feather Dildo. Oh.
Oh.

That's a nice bit of coincidence. How else would a feather get ruffled?

You know, a quill, though, if you will. Will you? Absolutely.
Quildo, will you?

I quill. I quill indeed.
You guys are so cool. Man, I really like being from here.

And we like having you from here. I mean,

I didn't know any of this history about the tavern. Arnie, look, it looks like you could almost see like a claw mark on the booth.
Oh.

Yeah, that's from the grizzly.

But there is also like a smaller.

It made that claw mark right before it killed me.

What was that? Did anyone else hear that? I did not hear it.

I could tell that you all heard something by your body language.

And I didn't hear it. But it's okay.
It doesn't make me feel left out.

It made that claw mark right before it killed me.

It's kind of saying the same thing over and over again, so you're not really missing much. You know,

yeah, they didn't build me with great

senses,

like eyes, hearing, smell, taste,

breath. They didn't give me those so hot.
So, you know. Do you have a sense of breath? Not much anymore in my old age.

But that's why, you know, that's why I got to drink the thick, spicy milk. Like, you know, my taste buds aren't really...
That's why, like, I can't really tell.

Like, if I saw you guys out in another setting, I have like faceblind. Like, I wouldn't be able to tell who you were.
And I can't hear anything anyone is saying.

I have just been guessing all of my responses. Holy shit.
You're good. I mean, well, I guess I don't even know.
Oh, well, you really. Yeah.

I knew you were going to compliment me just there because everyone does. Yeah.
Ha.

Yeah. You know, it's just how I blend in in a town.

It's just some of my unique skills being in much automated automaton meatown it's really impressive but if automaton can't hear you why won't she respond to me

oh no arnie is there anything sadder than a ghost feeling ignored

oh you guys but now i'm guessing you're talking about a fomo ghost there are plenty of ghosts who have fomo mainly because they died and they wish they didn't and what i've learned through a lot of therapy throughout the years in a lot of different towns is it's not my job to make these ghosts feel included.

They got to find their own worth within themselves. You guys want to go to Featherdilda with me on Saturday?

We're busy. Oh, a ghost.

Do you have like a...

I feel obligated. Ghost, do you have like someone you want me to give a message to or like unfinished business? Like, maybe like one little errand, unfinished business?

Yeah, I'm supposed to file these reports.

You're holding up a bunch of ghost papers.

Can't really touch them. Okay.

How many papers are there? Never mind. Now, how many papers are there? There are 65.
65. Arnie, do you want to transcribe them?

Like, the ghost could read them and we could transcribe them?

There's so many numbers on all these pages.

Atomatani, I wish I would have gone with your route of... It's not your job.
It's the third quarter numbers. The third quarter numbers.

You really can't. Look, you can't save anybody, especially those who have already passed, you know? Yeah, it's true.
You gotta take care of you.

Oh, uh, well, I...

I see that the tourist has still here at the booth. Oh, what's this ghost doing here? I was just trying to get these reports, folks.
Oh, fuck that. I'm going to...

Junga! Aha! Altamo!

Whoa, you sorta threw out a little box and then stepped on a pedal on the box, and and then a light kind of sucked in the ghost. Yeah, I busted that ghost good.
Why did you say it like that?

Why wouldn't I? Busted it? Busted it. Was it doing something like you walked in?

Doesn't make sense. You caught it.
Alright. Yeah, like it sounds like he was doing something illegal and you

caught him in the act. It's being a ghost.
Haunting's a crime.

Whoa, haunting's a crime in Hogsford. Haunting's a crime? Yeah.
Haunting's a crime? Well, think about it.

If someone who was alive broke into your house and started just doing stuff, that's a crime. If you're dead and you do the same thing, still a crime.
That's a good point. So wow, Hogspace is a

like, yeah, zero tolerance for breaking and entering despite whether or not you're dead. I mean, did we see the ghost break and enter or did it kind of walk in through the front doors?

Does it come in daily to set up shop at the booth and maybe we...

This is... this is also yeah it is a public place all right i'll let the ghost out if you're if you're sure it didn't break in here there you go thank you

i i just came in this morning to visit my old bood

whoa about 800 to 1200 other ghosts just flew out real fast i'm sure that'll be nothing oh oh i should i should have cleaned that trap before i uh let that one out. Sorry about that, everyone.

Gonna be a lot of ghosts for a while.

clean wow and they're all wow i didn't know it was a crime in hogsface it's kind of it's kind of wild like um in the town's over it's not a crime to be a ghost or to haunt like you kind of just free roam well yeah i why why would it be uh you know a a ghost has much as right to be somewhere as anyone else and uh that's true and they gotta go somewhere you know they can't like uh pay rent or anything so you just you kind of just go hey it's all right you deserve it here.

You're the one who just caught the ghost. What? Why are you?

Because I believe in the law, Chunt.

Okay. Uh-oh.
That reminds me, Atomatani.

What do the other towns think of Hogsface? Like, is Hogsface like one of the cool towns? Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about any. Don't.
What? What? You don't have to listen to anything they say.

Oh, well, we're still curious what they might say, even though we don't have to listen to it. Yeah, you just don't need to don't, hey, don't let it change how you feel about Hogspace.
Oh,

just

you guys keep doing you, you keep dressing how you dress,

and you keep,

you know, talking about the, you know,

your ideas of entertainment might be boring to other people.

They might say that none of your children are attractive, but you don't have to believe any of that. No, there are a lot of ugly kids.
I get that one. Yeah.

But also, it makes me ask questions about some of the people in the other towns, but I don't need to dig into that, I guess.

It's best not to. You know, a lot of people have a lot of thoughts about their own town, and then, you know, they just decide.

The important thing is that for an automatonie like me, I feel as much from here as I have anywhere in my life. Well, that's lovely.
Yeah.

Why don't we take a quick break and think about what it feels like to build yourself up by tearing others down? Oh.

Whoa, look, an outline of the shape of Hogsface as a tattoo is forming on a Tamatani's arm.

Oh, she really is local. Home, sweet home.

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We're all out of the ordinary.

So, Atomatani, again, let me know if this is too personal of a question.

What is your relationship like with your maker?

Oh, I mean, it's pretty good. Like, I feel like a lot of Atomatans have like a kind of a difficult, you know, like, oh, they wanted me to be something I'm not.

But I feel like my maker was pretty proud of me until.

Sorry, I was just drinking that thick milk

until, you know, until I did move out of the house. And then, and then my maker was pretty upset.
But, you know, all automatons got to move on. We all got to go somewhere.

I was literally built to be from everywhere, so I can't stay stay in my actual home. I mean,

should I have stayed home in my actual hometown? No, right? No. No, of course not.
No, that's crazy. Wow.
The town you were made in, the one place you're a stranger.

That's not true. I know.
Oh, sorry. I know.
No, no, no.

Like, are you still close with some of the people there?

You still talk to your creator?

Yeah, I mean, well, I did when I lived there. I just haven't thought about it in a while.
I mean, it's, like, it's in the past.

I don't have to go back or know the names of anyone there or any of the things we eat there or do there. So, not in touch with any of your old friends there.
I guess I didn't.

I didn't make a lot to begin with.

Not even any of your fellow castmates from spells?

Gosh, I mean, sounds like going home would be the biggest haunted tour of all. Wow.

Sorry, I don't know why I keep talking like this. Yeah, you're kind of talking like a tourism sign for Feather Dildo.

I just hear the ellipses. Yeah.

Gives Tickled Me Pink a different connotation. I don't know why I'm doing this.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, I wonder if I could get in touch with some of my castmates from Spells, the musical.

They were mad at me because I,

look, I played the titular spell in spells,

but I also was the swing in the understudy for every other spell. Wow.
I was the only one who could dance the track. A real quadruple threat.
Singing, dancing, acting, magic.

It's true, but it didn't really earn me a lot of friends, you know? Sure. Well, even did you hear yourself earn a lot of friends?

Yeah, I mean, everything's kind of a transaction, right? Wow. That's what towns run on, is commerce?

Yes, I suppose that's true, but... But friendships should be more than simple transactions.
It's not like Arnie pays us to be here.

Yeah.

Yep, That wouldn't be a thing that ethically I should do. I shouldn't pay you to be a part of this.
But also, Atomatani,

I'm remembering now when you first came in, you talked about you provide townie services. Like,

all of this, like,

being the person everyone likes everywhere, it's really your job. Yeah, I provide the services of a townie.
I provide friendship or an antagonist character if you need that.

Like, let's say you need a town bully, I can play that part.

I can be the dentist.

I can be a babysitter or

a comp troller. I'm just realizing.

Are you essentially programmed to be a town unto yourself?

I mean, I guess I could play all the parts, just like I did in Spells, that one performance.

I wonder what that would be like if I just became my own town. Oh, I Arnie, you saw her.
I want her too, but I don't want to, like, put her out of the spot. Somebody ask her.
Huh.

There is that empty town just next door. A ghost town?

Essentially, a bear killed everybody over there.

Yeah, they trashed the whole town except for one giant proscenium stage.

Are there lavalier mics? Oh, yeah. Yeah, lavalier mike is still there.

I love him. He was my friend back in Riversplat.
I don't know, know, guys. Do you think I should just be a town unto myself?

Instead of learning the lesson I thought we were driving towards, which is to make meaningful connections here in Hogface, maybe I should just

isolate myself and just become

alone.

What is it called when you separate away from everybody and you don't want to be governed by anyone?

A separatist?

Yeah, I think that works.

Yes.

That's what most townies want anyway, right?

Well, I suppose I

guess this is what you're programmed to do, but automaton-y, I

do wish you not just to fulfill that purpose, but to find happiness in your purpose. Do you think this will make you unhappy? Hmm, happiness.
I don't know if I was

programmed for happiness. Close your eyes, or I don't know if you can, but

do something equivalent and think about the feeling you get when you drink spiced milks. Wow, her eyes are doing so many weird things right now.
There were like seven things that closed.

Yeah, they don't really close, but they do. Um, they can dart around the room and come back like a boomerang.
Should I do that?

I just saw a lot of movement. Yeah, please.

Okay, think about the sensation of going to any tavern at all, even if you've never been there, and immediately everyone says your name as you walk in, and a special that happens to be your favorite concoction appears on the blackboard.

And someone just shouts town and then slides a spicy milk down the bar as I sit on the same stool I've been in for years.

That's happiness. Wow.
Okay, let me just boomerang these eyes real quick.

And they're back.

Wow. No, I do want that.
Can I have that here in Hogsface? Are you guys offering me permanent friendship?

I stand here firmly and I declare as a great wizard of Foon that my friendship is everlasting and stalwart.

Wow.

Look, Atomatani, every guest that comes on here at some point we say, you are now our friends.

And then sometimes we just never really talk to them again, and that's fine. But I feel like, if you're willing, we'd love to keep in touch with you and have you back on a semi-regular basis.

I love semi-regular.

Atomatani, I also pledge to be your eternal friend and to show, even though we're trying to get past the fact that friendship is transactional, to show, you know, how much we appreciate you.

I scrolled this piece of paper and I'll tape it to your back. It says, now entering Atamatani, Population One.
I should have...

I should have read through this in my head. Now entering Atomatani does not create.

Well, I was thinking like you're a town unto yourself, even though towns have those signs that are like now in...

Right, yeah.

But it's gross when it's a.

yeah, what if it's more like um what if it's more like uh welcome to towns say that that should have been my first effort

welcome to Atoma Town population one

or four should I say four or one because we're her friends are we do you guys want to live here? We have really high taxes. Oh shit.
I'm good. Okay, we can just be we can be like a sister city.

Right, right. That's great.
Okay, well does anyone want to split some cheese fries?

Well that sucks because we'd be buying them, right? Yeah.

But he also can't eat them. Unless we kill the cheese fries.
That's right. So, if I eat them, will the ghosts be able to eat them? Can ghosts shoot dead food?

Please, please kill some cheese fries for me.

Please let me put this guy back in a trap. Yeah.

That's a guy. I didn't have to make assumptions.

My name is Merrick.

Merrick? Merrick. Please, I need cheese friend.

He's just kind of a floating pair of eyeballs. Cheese fried.

Oh, I think he left or died or something.

He's dead. Yeah.
Well, ghosts can die, right?

I suppose so. That's a good question.
Huh.

I've learned so much here today. Yeah.

Why'd you roll your eyes when you said that? Are you programmed to do that? Yeah, I'm programmed to just to never take anything seriously, including myself. Oh.

And I, look, I think I've... I just...
I've learned a lot and I'm really grateful for you guys. And

yeah, I think I could stick around here for a while. And we welcome you.
And we shall spend time getting to know you even better.

For we are all products of how we were raised, how we were brought into this world, and the influences upon us.

And you, just like the rest of us, will learn and grow from that initial programming into something even greater.

How did you get this cube to have all the same sigils on one side? That was impressive. I don't know.
I just honestly, I dropped it when I picked it up and done that. Son of a.

Ain't that just the way?

Tomatani, do you by any chance? You've been around all over the place. Do you by any chance know Tom Tom Bomb, the cloud? Oh,

the cloud of a suit of armor? Yeah.

Yeah.

He is so nice. Yeah, I don't want to say too much because I want you guys to be surprised when you meet him.
Okay. Kai sort of made a sacred promise to get him on the podcast.

Oh, you're going to love it. You're going to have so much fun.
He smells bad, but it's okay. It's not a big deal.
Fair. Just sit, just sit a little far away and don't mention it.
Don't mention it.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Don't let him know you know.
Don't let him know I said that.

But we all, we kind of, everybody knows, and we all just kind of, we say like, hey, don't tell

cloud guy that he stinks It's just a kindness we offer the cloud man, but yeah, I think it's just the armor.

I think he hasn't washed it in a while I think it's a cloud so probably it's all like getting precipitation humid It's humid. Yeah, he needs a dry climate.

If I'm being really if I'm being 100% honest, I don't like to gossip, but if I'm being 100% Bonbon needs to move to a dry climate, he needs to wash that armor. And frankly, he needs to get a job.

Oh, yeah.

He hasn't worked in way too long, and it's affecting his self-esteem and his family life. And I've already said too much, but uh, yeah, you guys are gonna love meeting him.

Yeah, gotta get him on right away.

Oh, guys, look at the bar. Look, a dog divorce.
Aw, so amicable. Look at their little tails.
They're so shapping hands. Oh, okay, and they split that tennis ball in half.

Wow, so one gets one half and one gets the other. That is inventive.
That's the way to do it. It's not going to fetch the same, but that's beautiful.

The thought that counts. Mm-hmm.
That one dog eats its own poop. I think you can tell that's sort of one of the things that drove them apart.
Hey, yeah, I mean, look.

People, you know, dogs grow apart.

One wants a longer leash. That ghost is over by the poop now.
It's kind of rummaging through. Somebody.
There's got to be some dead food in here.

I need clarity on what dead food is. Isn't food already dead?

Is this a hog's face thing? I want to understand your ways. Oh man, hogsface sucks, doesn't it? Are we in a sucky place? Don't listen to everybody else.
Don't listen to what all the towns are saying.

Oh, the bathroom stalls. The writing on the stalls were right.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.
Autama Tawney, the Automaton Townie was played by special guest Tawny Newsome.

When we asked Tawny to see if she wanted to play a character named Automatawney the Automaton Townie, she said, Okay, sure. Flower the Talking Flower was played by Brooke Bright.

Remember at the beginning of the episode when Arnie joked about no one wanting to write about a 10-year-old podcast?

Ironically, the book, The Podcast Pantheon, 101 Podcast That Changed How We Listen, is coming out September 16th, and one of the 101 podcasts that gets a chapter is, you have got to be kidding me, Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Oh, I get it. Changed How We Listen, meaning like, taught us to not listen at all.
This checks out. Pre-order Sean Malin's The Podcast Pantheon wherever you buy books.

Link for pre-orders of the book in that great information landfill, the show notes. Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus bonus episodes each month. Want to hear more about how Automatoni rose through the ranks of Magic users?

As Patreon subscribers voted for her based mostly just on her name? And the fact that they assumed, it turns out correctly, that she would be played by Tawny Newsome?

Check out the multiple March Magic bonus episodes on the Patreon. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.
Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Pullman.

Well, that's it. That's it for this week, everyone.
We'll see you next week here with Atomatani, Shunt, Arnie, Isidore, and your new favorite, Merrick the Ghost.

Arnie, did you make Merrick a host?

I think. Now you have to kill a host so that I can be the ghost host.

That doesn't, that's not how any of this works. No, you're not just a ghost for anyone who gets dead.
I hate this guy. Well, me too.