Season 5, Ep 70 - Shopping

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And yet again, here we are with another episode.

I understand there are some of you out there that, what is it called again, binge our series.

And to you, I say,

What's going on with you?

You really listen to a lot of these at once, you're saying?

You just listen to one, and then the first thought that comes into your mind is, I'm going to do that to myself again?

I'm giving you a chance to escape.

You can listen to one, and then you can get on with your life.

Anyway,

pardon us.

Is there anyone is there anyone working in the store?

Who could that be?

Proprietor, we need CD now.

I am unfamiliar with this experience.

Time to shut all these things off.

And then, through the bead curtain,

hello,

store visitors.

Ah, hi.

Welcome.

Hi, we're just walking around Hogsface, just shopping in the various new stores here, and we're excited to take a look at your shop.

And I desperately need a bleeding rose for one of my spells.

Right.

Uh,

let me just wrap my head around what's happening, because I've had this store for a while, but I'm going to be really honest with you.

Not a lot of people have wandered in here.

So, just to reflect back what I'm hearing, you've come into my store and you would like to acquire some items.

Yes, flowers.

It's a flower shop, is it not?

I'm not sure what's complicated about this.

Now that you say that, you are right.

This is a flower shop.

I sell flowers.

What kind of flowers would you like today?

I need a bleeding rose.

The, well, we have.

Are you the eponymous Bitsy?

That's right.

That's right.

There's a sign out front that says Bitsy's something or other, and I am your shopkeep, Bitsy.

Now that we've established that fact, welcome.

Bitsy.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the Elves know me as Fiang Yalik, the Dwarves know me as Zodan and Hoopstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanius Mae Star.

And I come to thee today,

beseeching thee, for thine great botanical prowess, to bring me that rarest of roses, the bleeding rose, so that I may cast a love spell.

Oh.

Oh, hey, and I'm Arnie.

I'm from another world.

I'm really just window shopping.

I'm not really sure I'm gonna buy anything unless you guilt me into buying something cheap before I leave.

We have windows as well.

If you're window shopping, I keep a little bit of everything just for the people that wander through and aren't sure what they're looking for.

So we have a bunch of windows leaning right over here.

Oh,

stained glass.

Yeah, all sorts, any sort of window that you would desire.

So this is a flower and stained glass window shop.

You know, it's loose.

I'm still kind of workshopping it, so really, whatever you need, we probably have one or two of thrown around here somewhere.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, there you guys are.

I-oh, shit.

Oh, um.

Oh, no.

Is this another shop where you fuck the person who runs the shop, Chunt?

No, this is the

guy I've been working for, and I called in sick today.

Uh, oh, oh, hey, Bitsy.

Sorry, I.

sorry I didn't come in today.

Well, well, well, it seems every day it's some new excuse with you, Chunt.

Chunt.

That name sounds utterly unfamiliar to me, as if I have no emotional investment in it.

Jeez.

How much for these sock garters?

What do you got?

Seven gold.

Take them.

I have been waiting for someone to come in and connect with those for the months that this store has been in business.

Chunt.

Yeah, boss?

Why am I not happy?

Um, because I called in sick, um, and I've had an excuse for most days that I've only worked a few times.

What have I said?

Success begins

with you.

Oh.

Or rather, success contains you.

Yes.

Yeah, you can't spell success without you.

Yeah, yes.

Okay, yeah.

No, I got it.

Okay.

And yet today, again, you you called in.

You made it sound like you were on the verge of expiration, and now here you are.

Yeah, I feel better.

Must have been like one of those morning colds.

You know, morning colds are going around, I think.

Right, guys, guys?

Arnie?

Morning colds?

Been making the rounds?

Sure, yeah.

How much for the wrapping paper with pictures of crying children on it?

What you got?

Seven gold.

Take it.

Isidore, he will bargain with you.

Yeah.

not when I'm getting deals like this.

I guess barter, bargain, barter, barter for a bargain.

That's what I mean.

Yeah, okay.

I'll try.

And that's the name of this store as of right now.

Barter for a bargain with Bitsy.

I've been looking for a good store name, and you've just given it to me.

Oh, okay.

Chun, when it comes to shopping, I'm more of a kind of just sort of stand around in the store kind of guy.

Like, I maybe look at two things, and then I just sort of awkwardly stand in the store while my friends finish shopping.

We have something for you.

Look at this dusty corner right over here where I've put nothing for just such a shopper as yourself.

Bitsy, we might

put my friend Arnie to work as a mannequin.

I feel like that would be really good.

You know, we could put

stuff on him.

Maybe he holds a stained glass window or something.

As you see, I just put a pile of clothes there in the window, and it's honestly a disaster.

I'd love to see some sort of a human form with attractively displayed outfits.

I'm all in.

Oh, okay.

Sure.

Nobody look while I change.

You know what?

I'll change behind the stained glass window.

I can see things, but they're all the wrong color.

Some of that is the right color.

That makes it worse.

Do you make this taffy yourself?

Every morning.

Every morning, friend, I wake up and step into the taffy-pulling vat.

I pull and stretch and mix it fresh in the morning by the light of the morning sun for sale here at Butter for a Bargain.

Oh,

okay.

Yeah, because when you say don't come in here, I'm pulling my taffy.

I always, okay, yeah, okay.

All right.

And to be fair, I don't like to be disturbed.

I wake up and right away, I pull my taffy vigorously for a good hour and a half.

And to be fair, and it is a reflective time for me.

So thank you for honoring my privacy.

Yeah, of course, boss.

I mean, you can overpull your taffy.

You might want to be careful.

Oh.

That is an unpleasant memory.

That one time.

Hand completely sprained.

It was, and, you know, just before pickleball season, it was a nightmare.

Ta-ta-ta-ti.

Hey, how do I look in this outfit?

Whoa, Arnie.

It's like you've brought my clothing to life.

Oh.

Now go stand in the front of the store.

Okay, I'm not usually a cape guy, but but I don't know.

Maybe I could get into this.

Oh, you've got to try them.

They're kind of my thing, and they have all sorts of purposes.

Yes, how do you make dramatic exits?

Without one.

You don't.

I rarely exit.

Hmm.

That, well, that's maybe something else to examine.

Oh, my goodness.

While you're standing there in the window, here comes an interested customer.

Excuse me, I was hoping to buy the cape that's on this mannequin here.

I'm actually a person, don't be alarmed.

Yes, what you've stumbled across is the first living mannequin of my store, and it seems to have piqued your interest, Mr.

Clientele.

Uh, how much for the cape and the mannequin?

What you got?

Seven gold?

Take it!

Bartha!

Damn it.

Can't lift up this mannequin.

Don't wait.

Oh, hold on.

Sorry, buddy.

I think you take the clothes, not me.

I am.

Oh my gosh, I've been waiting my whole life for this.

I know this might be a big change for what was it, Arnie?

But this person just purchased you, so it's time to go along with them.

Here we go.

Here we go now.

I guess I'm a mannequin come to life, and we're going to have to fall in love with each other now.

Nothing's going to stop us now.

Have to.

If this world runs out of lovers, we still have each other.

Nothing's going to stop us now.

Does he talk this much constantly?

Yes.

I've just met him, but it's seeming like a trend.

If the world around us don't give a damn, I'll just take the cape.

Fair enough.

Fair, I understand what's going on here.

Enjoy your cape.

Thank you.

Whoa, that guy flew away.

Oh, capes can do all sorts of things.

Yeah, capes, capes rule.

The rest of this outfit, there are a lot of extra sleeves.

Pardon us, Bitsy.

Our friend Arnie here is from another world, and sometimes...

I'm from another world.

our ways are confusing to him.

Arnie, whenever you sell shirts in a store, you have to put as many sleeves as possible on it.

And then, when different beings come in, they can all try on the shirt.

And if you only have like three arms, you just get rid of the rest of those sleeves.

And we have a lot.

That's a big hydra area.

We got a lot of hydras coming in, and they don't want, they don't want two sleeves.

They need as many

as they have appendages.

So I try to be ready.

That's what commerce is all about, I'm finding.

It's called being inclusive.

Are you yelling at me?

I agree with you.

No, I was yelling at Arnie.

I would.

Oh, exactly, Arnie.

It's called being inclusive.

Bitsy, I would ne'er come into your very own store and raise my voice at thee.

Never would I do such a thing!

Arnie, I'm sorry you're getting yelled at.

I know this is probably one of those times where you wish you were back on Earth and you had one of those, um, what do you call them?

Fridge cigarettes?

You know, you call Diet Cokes a fridge cigarette?

Yeah, a fridge cigarette.

Yeah, I wish I had a Diet Coke, or as I call them, fridge cigarettes.

Frid did someone say fridge cigarettes?

Come right over here to this display.

Holy shit.

Tiny cigarettes, but then you can see there's an even smaller handle on each one.

And when you open it up, what's inside?

A little ice cream treat oh whoa

who is this for that's very impressive it's it's for whoever wants it after i'm done pulling my taffy just as the sun has fully emerged over the horizon i wander over to this workstation and shove ice cream treats inside each of these individual fridge cigarettes

so what you're saying is after you've pulled your taffy to completion you're like i need a cigarette That's ex that's exactly right.

But has never been phrased in such a way, so thank you for that.

No, that's part of what I do.

I'm a bit of a wordsmith.

You might not know this, but I'm a podcaster on my world.

Oni, that reminds me.

We have to start today's episode at some point.

Oh, shit.

Sir, do you mind if we do an on-site episode of our podcast here in your store?

Boy, podcasts, worlds, earth episodes.

None of these things are really failing to

elicit anything out of my brain.

I'm so checked out here at work.

Go ahead.

do whatever it was you just said.

All right.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Darney Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal, and I use that to record a podcast recorded here in

Baby's Got Bits with Bitsy.

New star name, Baby's Got Bits with Bitsy.

I noticed there's a sound from outside.

There's a sound from outside every time you change the name of the store.

Like, does the sign magically change itself?

It's like you made it yourself.

Absolutely.

Yes, I have a reality reflecting sign that updates whatever we name it.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Can I just derail your intro upon?

I'm a pro.

Recorded here in Bits for Bays with Bitsy.

Oh, I heard that sound again.

In Hog's Face in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always.

They've already introduced themselves, but User the Wizard.

How much for this picture, but for reptiles?

What you got?

And Chunt the Talking Badger.

Yum, yum, baby.

These cigarettes.

These cigarettes are very tasty.

Kids would love these.

All right, Chunt.

I worry about you.

Look, it's okay for me to be addicted to Diet Coke, or as I call it fridge cigarettes, but I worry about you getting addicted to eating ice cream inside

cigarettes.

It's just so good.

There's something about them.

Is the intro over?

Uh, yeah, sorry.

Um, and then after the intro, we usually go straight to break.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

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So, Bitsy, while my friends shop around your store, do you mind if I ask you a little bit about yourself?

I like you, Ani.

I don't know why, but I find myself opening up to you.

Please fire away.

Sure.

Bitsy, I used to live in Hogsface years ago, and I don't remember running into you.

Have you lived in Hogsface all your life?

Uh,

uh,

it's sort of.

I recently uh returned here, but um I've been here many times, let's say.

Uh I'm no stranger to it.

Sure, sure.

But you know Hogsface, I mean, so many people coming and going,

you can hardly keep track of them.

So I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't met before.

Sure, but Chunt and I know almost everyone in Hogsface, and I don't recall meeting you before, right, Chund?

Yeah, I don't think I've ever.

I've born and raised, don't remember you.

What was the family name?

Of...

I've already said Bitsy.

Bitsy Bangles is also my family name.

That's where the store name came from, Bitsy Bangles.

Bitsy Bangles.

Of the Northern Bangles?

Hmm.

Are those the ones that always think they're alone now?

There was a time where I thought we were alone now.

Um, and then we weren't, and then we were.

It's a case of, like, if we knew what we we wanted.

Was that the Bengals, though, or was that...

That might have been Sniffany.

You know what I mean?

Sniffany?

Yeah.

I'm familiar with Siffany.

Wonderful stuff, I think.

Voice like a bell.

I'm not familiar with any of these bands, but

all I can say is if you wake up every...

Well, first of all, you Sidor, sorry to interrupt.

We are not talking about bands.

We are talking about people in the community.

Are we talking about bands?

What are you talking about?

Oh, sorry.

I've been looking through these picture books of bands from the local area.

Oh, yes, of course.

My band Pictionarium.

You've stumbled into another one of my little collections.

Maybe something in there grabs your eye.

Oh, yes.

I want this one called Imagine Dragons.

It's just a bunch of dragons who play songs, and they're all imaginary dragons.

The children dreamed up.

Wow.

Wow, what a fun band.

Yeah, oh, yes.

Ugh, and the pedigree on that music.

They're all classically trained.

It's really complex.

There's a lot of layers to it.

You're going to love it.

No, I can't wait.

So, Bitsy, I understand if you don't want to talk about your family, the Bengals, I get it.

Our lips are sealed.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Nope, that's all I got.

But I've gone into so much of my history.

Tell me more about yourselves.

This is, I mean, keep in mind, again, this is the most business, and in fact, I think the only business this store has ever seen.

So let's enjoy it.

Tell me more about yourselves.

Oh, gladly.

Well, I was brought into this world by a conspiracy of bird and wind and rain and fire, and frogs and bears and deer, who insisted there must be a champion here in Foon.

And then, the goddesses granted their wish, and I stepped fully form into the world.

I grabbed my oaken staff, walked naked to the nearest town, and then I uh

let's see.

I got to know a few people in the town.

I started to sort of realize I should probably be wearing clothes if I wanted to fit in better.

Uh, so I got gathered these wizard robes, and then I learned that there were other wizards who had been brought into the world to be champions, and I headed off to the great halls of Tarakis, where I learned to hone my magic in further.

And I met my wizard kin, who are now my hated enemies in the wizard war.

Usidor?

Hey, Usidor.

Yep.

Quick question, just because it's so rare that we kind of interview ourselves.

Uh-huh.

You said that you eventually felt like you were a little too naked to be walking around, and you always say you gathered robes.

What does that mean?

Steel?

Yeah, that that detail bumped me as well.

I'd like to hear more about that.

Well, you see, sometimes when you walk around outside, you'll see clothes growing on small pieces of twine betwixt two poles.

And these clothes are for anyone to pick, just like a fresh flower.

They just grow there naturally.

That reminds me of the great foonish laundry thief of that might have been about 400 years ago.

I'm sure there's no connection with it.

350-ish, yes, that sounds right.

I was tracking him down, and everywhere I went, it seemed he was just ahead of me.

Someday we'll bring him to justice.

So it's, I feel like Usidor's narrative was thoroughly concluded.

Who else?

Oh, no, that was only like the first few months of my life.

I've been alive for a long time.

I could go on forever.

Usidor, why don't you go stand over in that dusty corner and finish explaining oh give it a shot give it a whirl usidor it's more fun

it's a nice dusty corner i had fun i was saying speaking of robes these robes i'm wearing this is kind of crazy i think they're this can't be it but i think there's a laser gun in this pocket uh that sounds about right i mean you know i collected these things from my travels all over the place so i'm sure there is now if i buy these robes do i get to keep the laser gun because last time we had a laser gun we lost it in like one episode Oh, my

approach to commerce is if things are inside of other things, you can just buy them all at once.

It makes shopping here a little bit of an adventure.

Sure.

Oh, yeah, Chun, had a laser gun.

Oh, yeah.

What did I?

I broke it or I lost it.

What did I do?

Ate it?

I don't know.

Probably ate it.

Whoa.

I do want to tell my backstory, but I never noticed that we had here at work a Employee of the Month plaque.

You know,

is so disappointing, Chun, because day one was just familiarize yourself with the shop.

And the Employee of the Month plaque is fairly prominently placed.

It's just...

It's a shame that you didn't take this in sooner.

I worry about your future here.

At Bits for Bayes.

You should probably have a more structured onboarding.

Employee of the month.

So it's my fault.

Wait, let's exactly.

Wait, let's unpack that.

So it's my fault, Usador?

How much for this dust?

What you got?

Seven gold.

Take it.

I got a barter.

Does he keep spending the same seven gold?

Oh, no.

I haven't, I haven't kept track.

I mean, it's a price I'm happy with.

Is there a point?

Wait a minute.

After he says that, is there a thing that happens?

After he-is he do I get something?

You've never collected my seven gold, so I've spent it many times.

That seems rude.

I would just come and take your money away?

Oh, no, it's an exchange of goods and services for

monetary compensation.

And here,

I shan't pull this trick upon thee.

I've ordered several things.

Here is about 56 gold.

I think that should cover it all.

Wonderful.

This is my first experience with gold.

I'm going to put it all over here in my cash register.

Now, how is the shop stay in business if you aren't collecting any gold, everybody?

That is a great mystery to me as well.

I simply throw open the door each morning, and the shop still seems to be here.

Speaking of mystery, I see the first couple months it says employee of the month, not chunt, but then it says here for the fourth month, employee of the month, Manny Mysterio?

Yes, that's

someone that I think wandered in,

maybe needed a little boost that day, and so that was employee of the month for that month.

Hmm, must be nice.

It's also interesting that they went out of the way to not have someone, but to specifically say, not Chunt.

Yeah, it made sense at the time.

It was the right call.

Okay.

Sometimes it's nice to know who's the employee of the month and who is absolutely not the employee of the month.

Yeah, it lights a fire under my ass.

Although I do keep getting sick.

Oh, oh, is this now an afternoon cold?

Yeah,

I think I better stop working, but I do get paid for the time I was here, right, boss?

For the record, you haven't.

You wandered in and have just been looking around with your friends.

I don't know if I'd call this work.

Uh, been looking around with two customers I brought in, I think think you mean.

Fair enough.

Here, here's 56 gold.

Huh.

So, all right.

He never calls me boss.

Hey, big guy.

What'd you say?

Nothing, never mind.

All right, champ.

And kiddo, were you done with your personal history?

Yeah, I think so.

I think we got the tops and the tails.

Tops and tails, welcome back to Tops and Tails, the new name of this store.

How much for this tuxedo?

What you got?

Seven gold.

Take it!

Hold on, I think I figured something out.

This isn't really a shop at all.

You don't know what the fuck you're doing running this place.

Hold on.

I think this is a front.

Hold on.

Are you running some kind of devious business in the back?

What are you talking about?

Of course not.

There is no reason to go into the back of that store.

The store, the area that you can almost see because the only barrier between us and it is beads.

Bitsy, are you some sort of ne'er-do-well who's been at cross-purposes with the three of us for the past ten years?

Or are you an heir-do-well?

That's exactly right.

I'm an heir-do-well, and that means I do well all the time.

Look at what's happened in all the time that we've been together today.

I've done nothing but offer you things, tell you, give you exciting factoids about the items at my store.

How could you suspect me?

You're right.

I jumped to like a crazy conclusion that didn't make a lick of sense out of nowhere.

Yeah, to be fair, he's been he's been pretty generous with changing the name of the shop every time we fuck it up.

Arnie, this might be, what did you call it years ago, a needful things situation?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I forgot.

The name of this store is the needful thing situation.

Oh, the needful things situation.

A regal nay, a kingly suggestion for the name of my store.

And while a moment ago

my heart was gaunt, now it is filled with excitement and happiness for this wonderful new name.

Look, Bitsy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come at you so hard.

It's okay if you, this is a front.

I mean, I feel like most of the stores in Hogsface are a front.

Like, I just like the inside dish.

Like, are you selling drugs?

Are you,

like, I don't know, doing pervert stuff?

I don't really know, like, what your secret business is.

You know, oh, the sign just changed again to pervert stuff

After hours,

the name also likes to get a little fun.

Whoa, there's a lot of people just ran in the store.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, everyone.

There's probably some brand confusion there with stuffed perverts across the street.

That, and I will not get into that area of commerce where, yeah, just sickos killed and then taxidermied.

I won't do it.

It's wild over there, man.

And I can't stress enough, guys.

When I go, please take me to stuff perverts.

Please.

Oh, of course.

Done.

You know,

we've really connected.

And Arnie, you ask if there's something else going on.

The truth is,

there is

some equipment back there that I'm not going to tell you about, but it is a sort of a side pursuit that I have while I'm not running my business.

The only other thing that's back there is that

frosted, darkened bell jar with

a hovering flower beneath it.

I've gotten it many years ago, and I thought, what am I going to do with this?

So I threw it back there, and I've never thought about it since.

Could it be a bleeding rose?

Well, the person that came in did have a very thick accent, and so I remember when he dropped it off, he said, Oi!

Will you take care of this bleeding rose?

Bitsy, this is the very thing I've come in here searching for today.

And though I have found many other wonderful treasures in the interim, I must have this rose, for I have a love spell I must cast that we'll learn more about right after this break.

Hold on, Usidor, I know this bleeding rose is very important to you, but just to be safe,

Bitsy, did this weird guy that dropped off the thing in his weird accent, did he say any any other things?

Say everything he said.

Oh, like I have to recreate his monologue right now.

Oh, that's fun.

Well, you don't necessarily, not necessarily in a scene.

I just want to hear that voice say all the things that he said.

They don't even have to be in order.

No, no, no.

No, I spent some time committing it to memory, so I'm ready to do this.

Do you need us to take on any additional roles?

Oh, yes, of course.

Let's see.

Who was there that day?

Well, one of you be me.

Oh, he's putting up a list.

Damn it.

Congratulations, Usador.

Shunt, I love what you brought when I was thinking of who to give this to, and some really strong choices, just not what we're looking for today.

No, that makes sense.

Keep me in mind.

I see I've been cast as laser sound effects.

But there are a lot of them.

You're going to be surprised.

There was

sort of a shootout right in the middle of this person coming into the store.

So

you're going to earn your keep, Arnie.

I'll tell you that much.

And then that leaves only Whimsical Hobby Horse.

And so I'm going to ask you to double up on that one, Usador, if that's okay.

It's kidding.

It needs like a fun, strong energy, and I think you can give us that.

Okay, great, great.

So

I've got a script here.

I'll start.

Sorry to interrupt.

On the posting of this cast list, after every role, it says not shunt.

Yeah, I think it's great to be really clear when someone's just not a fit for something.

So is there confusion, or were you just calling it out?

Me?

No, Arnie, in saying not chunt.

No, I was just noticing it.

Great.

Excellent.

I mean, there is stage directions.

Chunt, you want to give it a shot?

Yeah, but it does say narrator not chunt.

Is that okay?

Here,

hand me that.

Yeah.

And I'll just take his pen here.

Oh, you underlined not chun.

That's right.

That's right.

Arnie, if you want to take the stage directions, I think we'll be all set.

Guys, this is what I'm telling you.

My boss sometimes can be really mean, like really biting.

Yeah.

Chunt, there is no theater without an audience.

Oh, otherwise, you're just an idiot sitting in your own home, talking to no one, hoping that someone's listening and responding to the things you're saying.

That's right.

Yeah, I have the power now.

Okay, let me sit down.

I don't really want to be the narrator.

Here,

here, I'll just make this announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen, due to being busy with the lasers, the part of narrator will be played by Chunt.

Okay, a lot of the perverts just left.

Oh, all the perverts left.

Okay,

all of the perverts.

I guess they had really come to hear Arnie.

Sounds like they're leaving now.

Wait, hold on.

I never even thought about this before.

What percentage of our listenership are only just perverts?

I want to hear my voice?

Probably most.

Okay, let me grab the...

Okay.

If you have any candy, candy, open it now.

If you have any drinks, open them now.

If you need to do anything, do it now.

The play will begin now.

We open on a store.

A man enters.

Welcome to my store.

I am Bitsy.

Please tell me why you're here.

Can we do a...

Can we just

take a quick break?

Sure.

Just some tiny notes.

We're looking for real gravitas with that voice, and I know you've got it in you.

And yes, a real...

But there's also kind of a high-register thing going on.

Let it really uh have some fun in the nasal area.

Hello, my name is Bitsy.

Can I help you today?

And you're back.

Oi, what a storm out there!

It's really raging today.

How can I assist you?

A hobby horse falls from the ceiling.

Laser.

Arnie, not yet.

Sorry.

A laser gun fires.

Laser.

Arnie, now.

Quick, friend, tell me what you need for the lasers are firing and the horses are falling.

Oh, better get rid of this laser.

I'll hide it over here in this robe.

Okay, and it says I do have to translate.

Better get rid of this laser.

I'll hide it in this robe.

Friend.

I carry with me an object of mighty importance that I have to hide away before it brings more trouble into my life.

Well, I couldn't possibly care because Craig or Trisha or something.

That doesn't even make sense.

Not sure what that's about.

Here.

I've got this object hidden away.

I need you to put it somewhere where no one will ever find it.

The store owner examines the item for what seems like 20 minutes.

Are we doing that in real time?

Yeah.

John, are there any more lasers?

Like, in this whole thing?

Oh, my second laser gun has fallen out of my pocket.

Laser!

Not yet.

The second laser gun fires.

Laser!

Oh, no!

It's fallen near that series of mirrors.

Laser.

Well, then, I suppose you'll have to give me all your lasers and this special item, and I'll keep it safe here.

What is this special item?

All I can tell you is it's meant to bring true love.

But oh, the folly I engaged in.

I tried to use it to create some sort of a hex with someone I did not feel true love for.

The love was tainted, and as a result, it's brought nothing but trouble into my life.

It's kind of a soft sell.

Artie, was that a laser gun?

What are you doing?

No, sorry, laser.

No, not yet.

No, a laser gun fires.

Laser.

Your tainted love is not

acceptable.

Please give me the item and I shall ensure its safety here.

Whatever could it be?

The store owner raises the item above his head.

He then rags on Martin Wilson for what seems like 20 minutes?

Hmm.

What is that?

Well, I've imparted my item to you and now I must continue on my way.

But once again, if that object is employed to gain a love that isn't true, oi, all manner of ill may befall its user.

And now off with me to sweep some chimneys.

Good day.

Excellent information.

I must remember it.

Therefore, I shall write a play.

A play far better than any community theater Martin Wilson would be in.

Lights, ten laser guns.

Five.

Laser, laser, laser, laser, laser, laser.

Although, you know, as I'm doing this, I guess I didn't need to say laser every time I was shooting a laser, did I?

No, certainly not.

And if I could come back in, the one note I would have is,

lasers don't tend to say the word laser when they're fired, but I think we can go with it.

You made a choice, and I think it worked.

It's a stylistic choice, and part of the theaters,

you know, at the director's choice, how to display these things.

I think it was wonderful.

And there you have the story of everything that person said when they wandered into my store and gave me that item.

And there it has sat for all these many years until this day.

So, if I was to purchase this rose from thee, I could not use it in a spell that would cause some misbegotten love, some improper love to take place.

It would have to only help the cause of true love.

Hmm.

Very well.

That's what I got from it as well, so that sounds about right.

Yeah.

Well, Qsidar, what kind of love are you looking for?

Yeah, what are you in the mood for?

Are you okay, buddy?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not for me.

No, you can be honest.

We're friends, and I know I'm recording this, so maybe it's a little weird, but.

No, no, Arnie, it's not for him.

It's for a friend he knows.

I was hoping that I could cause

some of the other wizards to fall in love.

Oh.

Maybe with me, maybe with each other.

To help end the Wizard War.

I don't know where I'm at.

It's end.

I've

this is a powerful spell with the bleeding rose.

One of the most powerful love spells in all of Foon.

But it is true, if it is misused, it could cause even more havoc.

Oh, you know what?

I can't believe this is happening right now, but that guy that dropped off the rose said a little bit more.

If you turn the page, there's just a tiny bit more.

Laser!

Act two.

Arnie, not yet.

Shit.

Laser gun fires to signal the start of Act Two.

Laser.

It's hard to it's hard to stop saying laser.

You've come back into my store, Bitsy's Manic Mondays.

That's right.

I have wandered back into your store because there's one more thing.

As I've heard it told,

there is a way of warping the power of that object to create love not meant to be, but it would require a magic user of tremendous significance and importance.

The kind of user I have never heard tell of, which is why I give it to you.

So, to break down the properties of this item again, could be used only for true love, but if you're really like a pro-user, you could twist its abilities to inflict love upon those that may not feel it for you.

So, those are your options.

Off I go

excellent information that this gentleman has given me, but I can't believe comedians waste their time on so much plot.

The man who brought in the bleeding rose puts on a cape and flies out the door.

Sorry, I I sort of missed that stage direction.

Wow.

Laser gun fires to signify the end of the play.

Well, I'm a great and powerful magician, a wizard, born, I could easily take this rose.

A quick question.

Yes.

Did people get how the lasers were kind of a device in the show to show the passage of time and provide sort of like a bookend?

Was that clear?

I thought they were sort of the chorus,

like they were kind of speaking to the audience.

If that makes sense, sort of an aside.

Okay, I kind of interpreted them as lasers.

Yeah,

I thought you were just trying to punch it up with an action set piece.

All valuable, all feedback is good feedback.

Feedback is a gift, so I'm going to

use it.

You said that while making a jerking off motion.

Oh, wait, no, that's just taffy.

You can't be too limber for I have another afternoon taffy poll that I tend to schedule when I need a little bit of

morning and afternoon.

I need a little pick-me-up.

Yes.

I pull with a taffy then as well.

Pitsy, can I ask, how often are weird strangers just dropping things off at your store rather than buying things?

That was the one time.

And that was why I made such a big deal out of it and wrote it into that one act that had a second act.

What twist?

Those are some of my favorite one-act plays, the ones that have a secret second act.

It really catches you off guard.

That's the twist an audience loves most, where they're like, wait, it's not over?

I love standing up, putting my uh overcoat over my robes, and I'm about to walk out.

I go, Wait, there's a it's starting again.

Excuse me,

are you open?

I've come to drop off an item.

Oh my god, this is real, this isn't a show.

This book is blank pages, but any name you write in the book, the person will die.

Oh,

all right, take care.

Puts on a cape, flag at the door.

He just left it here.

He didn't even ask for money or anything.

Is that the same guy?

Or just a similar accent?

No, that was a totally different person with a sloppier accent.

At least that's what I heard.

Huh, I thought it was a little stronger.

No,

I didn't hear that at all.

Who knows where that person was from?

That might have even been fake.

Well, if you got a death book, you might not want people to know who you are.

So I think the fake accent's possible.

I mean, I guess we should buy the death book.

Yeah,

how much for this death book?

What do you got?

Seven gold?

Take it!

We don't even know if it works.

There's only one way to find out.

Who do we want to kill?

Not Chunt.

Not Chunt.

Wait a minute.

If I write not Chunt in the Death Book, are you immortal?

Oh, holy.

Either that.

Or does it instantly kill everyone else who isn't Chunt?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

was wild.

Good point.

I would be like a Ronin.

Guys, should we hold on to the death book, talk about it periodically, forget about it for a long time, and then use it to great effect in the end of the season?

I mean, I could just write all the wizards' names in it right now.

Oh, that's that's true.

From the situation you described, sounds like this is an instant solution to your problem.

So I think Arnie is onto something.

Just hold on to it, drag it out, refer to it every now and then, and then maybe, you know, like 1159, get to it.

I could just do it now.

Yeah.

Could kill Jinlevia, Spintax,

Jamilius,

that Akru one,

whatever her name was.

Does this work for people in other dimensions as well?

I don't know why I'm asking you.

You're not the one that does.

Oh, here we go.

What did you say?

I guess I was just wondering if this death book could kill people in other dimensions.

Like, you know that other dimensions exist.

Like, this isn't just the only dimension.

Right, we mentioned

Arnie

got here from another world through a dimensional portal.

We've been having fun today, new people that don't remind me of anyone else, but I think this store is about to close.

Oh, huh.

I think you've...

And actually, actually,

I'm going to hold on to this death book until I determine who

is best served by owning it.

You can keep the other thing, which you did pay for, but the death book stays with me.

What?

Oh,

I want to test it out.

Quick, write Gene Hackman in it.

That's just the name I came up with.

Sure.

Look, Chun, there is a Gene Hackman on Earth.

What?

He's very different from the axe killer here in Foon.

Did always wear denim?

Gene's Hackman.

If I'm not mistaken, that guy was such a creep.

I think after he died, he ended up at stuffed perverts across the street.

Oh, yeah, he's in the window.

Wave to Gene Zackman.

I mean, some people might think that's tacky, but not me.

All right.

Obviously, Bitsy, you can keep your death book.

I see.

You just want to keep a story thread for yourself for the future.

Is that so terrible?

No, I get it.

I'm going to hold on to this, like the dramatic life preserver it is.

If I'm being honest, we'd forget we had it almost immediately.

Yeah, that's fair.

I did lose a laser gun.

Uh, should I, uh, should I buy the bleeding rose?

Are you still able to let go of that?

If you I know you're about to close.

I don't know.

I feel like it was meant to be yours.

When that person came in, I've not sure what I would do with it, so take it.

Oh, there it is.

It's so beautiful.

Look at it.

It slowly seeps blood.

Oh,

a terrible and tragic rose.

A rose of pure love.

Now I shall cast my spell and twist it to mine ends and cause love betwixt the wizards to bring this war to its end.

It's a good thing that this is called a rose.

Because if this is called like a crupet or something, it would be fucking nasty.

Like, nobody would want to want to touch it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's gross.

Or if it was like a bleeding lily, I'd just be worried.

I mean, as it is, uh, it makes a mess.

I'm gonna say, like, after your spell, just you know, you have to kind of mop up the blood every night.

It just rotates and drops blood

all over everything.

It's really gross.

I'm happy to do a little maintenance if I can perhaps turn the tide of this war around.

It seems like a small enough price to pay.

But, Bitsy, it has been a pleasure to make thine acquaintance, and I shall now take mine leave.

I shall return in but a few days' time and see if I can pry that deathbook away from you.

But until then, just know that I consider you

my friend.

Usador,

uh, Chunt, Arnie.

Again, these names, you would think they would bring some sort of emotional reaction from me, but I mostly am checked out when I'm in the workplace.

It has been lovely spending this time with you.

Usador, it sounds like you are able to bend that rose to your will, and I wish you good luck with it.

I will hold on to the death book until I determine what best can be done with it.

Okay, well, so long.

Bye, boss.

I'll see you.

Uh, not tomorrow.

I'm feeling kind of sick.

Not that the other thing is.

I needed you to open the store tomorrow, Chant.

The stores basically open themselves nowadays.

Fair enough.

Well, whenever you see fit to wander in for another one of your work shifts, I'm telling you this: you're not gonna wind up on that plaque, Employee of the Month, anytime soon.

Oh, wait, there's a there's a name materializing right now.

Jeans Hackman.

No,

Jeans Hackman only worked here for about 45 seconds, but oh, the things he got done.

Oh, there were a bunch of people choplifting, and he just mowed them down and

looked good while he did it, okay?

No, yes,

all right.

Well, nice to meet you, Bitsy.

Uh, I'll come back later.

I'm gonna be putting up scrolls asking if anyone in the town has any information on a dimensional portal I'm looking for, and I'll put one up in your store if you don't mind.

That means nothing to me.

Arnie, come back, throw on some new clothes, and stand in my window anytime.

All right, you should be getting paid for that.

Yeah, well, that was kind of nice.

That store didn't really seem to have its whole thing together, though.

Yeah, Chant, your boss is a wild guy.

Very, uh...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Uh, strange?

Yeah, he's unpredictable.

He's a bit of a weirdo.

Yeah, kind of misaligned.

Yeah.

But it feels, I mean, he's very, seems very well traveled.

And he makes great robes.

I'm loving these robes.

Should this be my new look?

Uh, yeah, I mean, obviously take off some of the sleeves, but otherwise, yeah.

Well, this This taffy's not gonna pull itself.

Oh, shit.

Get away from there.

Run!

Okay,

back from doing some errands around the shop.

Did not listen to any of this audio nonsense as usual.

I can't imagine any of it being of interest.

Usidor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Attle Rafai.

Usidor, Chunt, such distinctive names, I would recognize them anywhere.

Hmm, as far as other characters in this episode, there's a giant water stain on my script.

Why did I put down that condensation saturated tumbler right on top of this when I knew I'd be recording later?

Such an exact stain, too, just this one section of script.

What are the odds?

Moving on, tickets are still available for the upcoming Magic Tavern live shows in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27th and Richmond, Virginia on September 28th.

Apparently, the Charlotte show will include special guest Megan O'Neill as Princess Trachea Aurelia Belleroth.

Links for tickets are in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Advil Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tony Gullick.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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