Season 5, Ep 68 - Honk if You're Hungry (w/ Ross Kimball)

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Speaker 11 Oh,

Speaker 11 yeah, baby.

Speaker 12 Oh, oh, oh, timeout.

Speaker 13 Sorry.

Speaker 9 Sorry.

Speaker 15 I'm supposed to read this script.

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Speaker 11 People People of Earth.

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Speaker 22 Oh, here we go.

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Speaker 24 Anyway, relax.

Speaker 17 Don't waste any more time thinking about theoretical transdimensional science.

Speaker 14 And most importantly, enjoy the show.

Speaker 6 Love you.

Speaker 31 Usinor, have you seen Chunt? We're supposed to do the episode.

Speaker 3 Oh no, I haven't seen him. He might be out taking a walk.
It's a lovely day. He could be making time with some attractive young creature, though he is stuck in the form of a badger.

Speaker 3 His romantic escapades continue. Maybe he's courting one of those geese over there by the bar.

Speaker 34 Oh, speaking of which, I'm going to finish setting up these mites.

Speaker 35 Isidore, do you mind getting us a drink from the bar?

Speaker 3 Sure, I'll go get you some drinks.

Speaker 12 Uh, what do you want?

Speaker 36 Oh, I'll just... You know what?

Speaker 38 I'll have King's Juice.

Speaker 11 King's Juice. Very good.

Speaker 39 All right.

Speaker 3 Do we have a guest this week?

Speaker 40 Should I get a drink for the guests?

Speaker 36 You know what? I thought we'd just do a weird one.

Speaker 41 I thought we'd just do one where it's just the boys hanging out.

Speaker 21 Boy, it's a little weird.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 36 Yeah, boy, maybe a boys' night, even.

Speaker 1 All right, I'll be right back.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 42 Okay, move these microphones around.

Speaker 42 Uh, uh, prop burp got-fuck right off.

Speaker 29 User, are you all right?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 3 these geese are fucking pricks.

Speaker 26 Oh, that's right. They're those geese by the bar now.

Speaker 31 They just are dicks to anyone that walks up to the bar.

Speaker 42 It's gonna hurt flower sales.

Speaker 3 They just started honking at me. I didn't do anything.

Speaker 43 Slides across table in a cool way. Oh, fuck

Speaker 32 you went right off the other end. Oh, I knocked everything.

Speaker 6 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 26 So many splinters.

Speaker 46 I thought that would look so cool. Fuck.

Speaker 11 Oh, my fucking leg.

Speaker 3 Uh, Chunt, I went ahead and got you a King's Juice.

Speaker 11 Honey,

Speaker 21 King's Juice.

Speaker 21 Guys, I

Speaker 40 sincerely apologize.

Speaker 6 I'm...

Speaker 21 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm late.

Speaker 3 How's the new job?

Speaker 40 Weird, good, good, weird, weird, good.

Speaker 47 Weird, good?

Speaker 49 Weird, good, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 11 Who, are these are these geese single?

Speaker 28 It's still, what's the story with these geese?

Speaker 3 I wouldn't go over there.

Speaker 12 Oh.

Speaker 42 Yeah, so we should drink these slow, because if we need more beers, those geese are dicks.

Speaker 3 Well, I just got a shot, so I'll probably have to go back over there.

Speaker 38 All right, well, anyway,

Speaker 41 I'll start the show. Are you ready, Chuck?

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah, just maybe, um, maybe slow, uh, maybe slow down the intro.

Speaker 3 Okay. Oh, should I go first this time instead of you?

Speaker 6 Maybe, yeah, maybe, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 34 Hello from the Magic Tavern,

Speaker 34 a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

Speaker 29 I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

Speaker 54 If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Speaker 41 Ten years and four or five months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Speaker 45 Luckily, you're never going to believe this.

Speaker 57 I'm still getting a Wi-Fi.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I expound.

Speaker 33 How that's happening, I don't know.

Speaker 51 And it's not from the, I used to think it was from the Burger King, but that Burger King has been torn down and they put like condos up in its place.

Speaker 51 So I don't know where I'm getting the Wi-Fi exactly.

Speaker 54 But I use that to upload a podcast.

Speaker 6 This podcast.

Speaker 54 Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Speaker 3 This podcast, not a different podcast.

Speaker 6 This podcast. Great, great.

Speaker 15 To upload just this.

Speaker 42 Hey, sweetie. Wow.

Speaker 33 Hey, what's going on? Ow.

Speaker 3 Don't bother with them.

Speaker 52 Chunt, if you make them honk, it's going to disrupt the audio on the show.

Speaker 18 Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 33 Sorry.

Speaker 34 Here in the ruffled feather in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Fog's Face and the Magical Land of Foon, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

Speaker 3 But sorry?

Speaker 12 Bing Bong. Oh, sorry.

Speaker 3 Chat usually goes first.

Speaker 3 The elves know me as Fearing Yalak. The Dwarves Nobi is Zodomin and Stingies.
And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanius Mae Star.

Speaker 9 It sucks that one of the geese honked over halls of Tarakis, so it was a very good idea.

Speaker 9 And them may be these secret names that if e'er I did whisper them aloud, I even the faintest whisper would cause lightning to strike every hemisphere of this globe and break this world in twain.

Speaker 29 Oh shit, we're starting too slow.

Speaker 21 I can tell it.

Speaker 29 We overshot it.

Speaker 51 We're starting too slow.

Speaker 26 Okay, well, um, ooh, I feel I feel a little bit better.

Speaker 28 Let me give a stretch.

Speaker 49 Uh, all right, then I'm also joined by.

Speaker 33 Oh, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Speaker 18 What's this?

Speaker 3 I introduced myself.

Speaker 18 Yes. First.

Speaker 3 You usually introduce Chunt first. Yeah.
You banter with him. I sit there and stare at you two idiots, not saying a word.
But you're skipping over that and going straight into Chunt's introduction.

Speaker 36 No, let's banter.

Speaker 52 You Sidor?

Speaker 22 What's going on, buddy?

Speaker 3 You know, spells and stuff.

Speaker 38 Sure. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chunt the Dogging Badger.

Speaker 58 Honk bong, bing, honk.

Speaker 22 How you doing, bud?

Speaker 52 So, have you caught your breath?

Speaker 13 Yes, uh, thank you so much for buying me some time. I, um, yes, I tried to ride grapes here as fast as I could.
It turns out grapes is not a racing goat nor a running goat or even a trotting goat.

Speaker 58 I noticed when you came in here, you were actually carrying grapes on your shoulders.

Speaker 51 Like, it must have gotten that bad.

Speaker 13 Yeah, this sling them over my shoulder like a

Speaker 13 continental something. And I race over here.
So I am.

Speaker 18 I am so sorry. No, it's okay.

Speaker 6 So, so sorry.

Speaker 31 I know, look, this podcast is important, but everyone needs their side hustles.

Speaker 41 And if you have a job in town, you have a job in town.

Speaker 22 We'll accommodate.

Speaker 26 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 3 I didn't want to have to bring this up before, but is it time to turn in grapes for a racing goat?

Speaker 12 For what?

Speaker 3 For a racing goat to trade up to a racing goat.

Speaker 57 Oh, I thought you said turn him in.

Speaker 3 No, trade him up.

Speaker 12 Trade up.

Speaker 6 Trade up to a race goat.

Speaker 22 Trade him up.

Speaker 28 Maybe, you know, I've gotten pretty attached.

Speaker 13 Also,

Speaker 13 I don't know if you remember someone tried to eat him, and I feel that that made me kind of bonded to him or something that

Speaker 13 I had to kind of nurse him a little bit back to health.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 60 Gentlemen, I don't mean to interrupt, but I saw you sitting at the corner.

Speaker 65 Are you interested in a panini my wife made?

Speaker 15 Oh, we have cheese and pepperoni,

Speaker 66 ham, mozzarella.

Speaker 18 This guy's really pressing us to buy a panini.

Speaker 8 Oh, you don't have to.

Speaker 61 I was just

Speaker 60 seeing you men by yourselves with this audio equipment. And sure.

Speaker 51 Well, we just looked like we needed a panini?

Speaker 42 It wasn't that funny.

Speaker 69 Absolutely.

Speaker 70 Arnie, why don't you have this panini?

Speaker 45 Oh, you know.

Speaker 29 Whoa, you're really shoving this in my face.

Speaker 28 Uh, Arnie, have you bought paninis from this guy before?

Speaker 37 I have never met this, but I'm kind of a little bit of a celebrity in this world at this point.

Speaker 66 Let me take off my hood and this hood.

Speaker 68 And this hood.

Speaker 46 What the fuck?

Speaker 71 Chunt, grab that end of my hood and pull it back.

Speaker 72 Hello, Arnie.

Speaker 72 It.

Speaker 16 Oh, I know you.

Speaker 26 Oh, you got to be kidding me. Look at me.

Speaker 62 Oh, look at me.

Speaker 37 You look so familiar.

Speaker 22 I know I should.

Speaker 11 Shut up.

Speaker 28 I can't remember his name.

Speaker 18 Jesus, that's a good thing.

Speaker 18 Shut up.

Speaker 32 Shut up over there.

Speaker 60 Chunt, grab that hood off the floor.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 44 Put it on my head. Okay.

Speaker 66 Now.

Speaker 48 Now look at me.

Speaker 52 Okay, you're sort of uh you're sort of showcasing your face with your hands.

Speaker 43 Face? Now I know

Speaker 60 you're not either you take a step back or I'll have to take a step back.

Speaker 75 But to get a good view.

Speaker 76 All right.

Speaker 11 You're a human.

Speaker 51 You're not some kind of freaky animal.

Speaker 30 Hey.

Speaker 72 You Sidor, you remember.

Speaker 52 Oh, shit. I remember.
I do.

Speaker 30 I do remember.

Speaker 38 Honk.

Speaker 30 Honk the assassin.

Speaker 62 Honk.

Speaker 38 It's been a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll buy a panini.

Speaker 77 Oh, great.

Speaker 8 Let's see. Do you have a foil allergy?

Speaker 3 No, no, I'm fine.

Speaker 39 That's fine. Great.

Speaker 66 We have, like I said, pepperoni, mozzarella, and then we have a ham provolone. And my wife made these, so

Speaker 69 she didn't label any of these, so it's kind of just a smattering.

Speaker 71 I don't even know.

Speaker 3 I don't really. If they're not labeled, I'll just take whatever.

Speaker 56 It's fine.

Speaker 26 All right, great. Okay.

Speaker 8 That's going to be four.

Speaker 18 There's four gold pieces.

Speaker 12 There you go.

Speaker 78 One, two, three, four.

Speaker 66 Great. And you can have this one back.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you, Honk.

Speaker 3 But we're doing an episode, so

Speaker 3 I suppose.

Speaker 11 No,

Speaker 11 it's been a while.

Speaker 51 Look, I know I said we were going to do a weird one. We were going to do a Boy's Night.

Speaker 41 Sorry, Chunt.

Speaker 51 We were going to do a Boys' night.

Speaker 6 But instead, Boy's night.

Speaker 37 Well, boys' night canceled.

Speaker 24 Why don't we have Honk on as a guest?

Speaker 37 I feel like the last time we saw you was at the Slippery Eel in Grumbleshire,

Speaker 51 your uncle's place.

Speaker 66 Well, only a few people would remember that.

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah, that one's just on the Patreon.

Speaker 13 Oh, shit. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 18 Slaps the paninis out of Yusuro's hands.

Speaker 40 I just remembered what Honk does for a living.

Speaker 61 Don't eat those.

Speaker 4 But I'm hungry.

Speaker 34 He's an assassin.

Speaker 26 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 61 You would have eaten this this tiny saber.

Speaker 42 Holy shit.

Speaker 43 Yeah, there's a saber inside that panini.

Speaker 64 You would have eaten this tiny saber knife.

Speaker 4 Honk, why would you try to assassinate me?

Speaker 79 I was hoping Arnie.

Speaker 6 Oh, that I get. Get the panini.

Speaker 20 He's a bit of a celebrity around here.

Speaker 51 I am a bit of a celebrity.

Speaker 45 Oh, no.

Speaker 49 Have I gotten to death threat level of fame?

Speaker 37 I guess maybe I have.

Speaker 63 Has anyone else tried to kill you, Arnie?

Speaker 38 Like, recently?

Speaker 41 I mean, I've tried.

Speaker 42 I've been stabbing.

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah. Have you woken up in the middle of the night to someone hovering over you?

Speaker 39 I do that.

Speaker 51 I mostly kind of just traips through Fun with a sort of devil-may care attitude, but I don't think so, guys.

Speaker 37 Do you remember anyone trying to kill me this season?

Speaker 3 Drip Fang stabbed you once upon a time.

Speaker 24 Yeah, that was a while ago, though.

Speaker 54 I'm talking about like in the last couple months.

Speaker 3 King Bellaroth.

Speaker 18 There's a goose becking at your neck right now.

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 38 Get away, goose.

Speaker 60 On your On your knees, King Bellaroth.

Speaker 26 King Bellaroth. Uh, sure.

Speaker 21 Oh, oh, are you like,

Speaker 56 really, are you like a Bellaroth head?

Speaker 71 Am I really into him, Arnie?

Speaker 48 Yeah, I am really into him because he's the king and he sent me to kill you.

Speaker 42 What?

Speaker 66 That's why I asked, because I cannot be the first, but I will be the last.

Speaker 51 Yeah, because you're probably not the most effective assassin he has in his employee.

Speaker 44 Arnie, careful.

Speaker 75 What are you doing? Get up.

Speaker 67 Um, follow me.

Speaker 52 Have you have we never met?

Speaker 26 Follow me to the corner.

Speaker 75 Chunt, Ustador, stay here.

Speaker 8 Arnie, follow me.

Speaker 44 Okay, fine.

Speaker 51 You're lucky. I need my steps.

Speaker 77 It feels like we should go, but no, you stay here.

Speaker 2 Okay. Follow me.

Speaker 65 We're not going outside. We're just staying right here.

Speaker 7 Can I eat my panita even though it fell on the floor?

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 75 Arnie, can you do me a favor and just not do that in front of them?

Speaker 26 Oh, I need you to be a little more scared.

Speaker 42 Oh, shit.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry.

Speaker 82 I need you to be a lot more scared.

Speaker 76 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 54 I can't promise that. I can't promise that I'll let you kill me, but I.

Speaker 75 I need you.

Speaker 66 I need you to nod after I say this.

Speaker 66 Okay, and that's that.

Speaker 27 Hmm?

Speaker 53 Hmm.

Speaker 40 Whoa, you saw. Do you see that?

Speaker 42 Oh, he seems terrified.

Speaker 62 What's hard to do with that?

Speaker 60 I'm gonna grab your wrist.

Speaker 79 Let me know if it's too rough.

Speaker 67 Whoa.

Speaker 82 Arnie, get me something to drink.

Speaker 66 And I want something off the apps.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 47 Honk, I gotta say, I'm really impressed. Like, you're gonna be a little bit more.

Speaker 26 We're back with everybody.

Speaker 8 You don't need to talk about it anymore.

Speaker 26 We're back with everybody. Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 Don't need to see anybody.

Speaker 26 What's going on?

Speaker 37 Guys, I'm so scared of Honk. I'm gonna go get us all drinks.
I'll be right back. Oh, okay.

Speaker 62 King's juice.

Speaker 3 King's juice. Sean, you should eat half of this panini.
It's excellent.

Speaker 18 I took the saber out.

Speaker 62 Oh, okay. Fuck off, geese.

Speaker 1 Fuck off.

Speaker 50 Honk, holy shit.

Speaker 55 You really... I've never seen anyone talk to Arnie like that.
That was incredible.

Speaker 82 Well, someone has to.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Here's the thing about celebrity.

Speaker 66 You get surrounded by yes people, yes, men, yes, women.

Speaker 72 You have nature telling you you could do whatever you want.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 75 And you get to the point where you feel invincible.

Speaker 66 And today,

Speaker 47 I'm going to make Arnie feel vincible.

Speaker 45 Yes. Finally.

Speaker 3 I actually think this is a Provolone and Gouda mix.

Speaker 60 Give me that.

Speaker 67 Come on.

Speaker 67 Spit that out.

Speaker 73 Spit that out.

Speaker 3 A vial of poison.

Speaker 65 You would have chopped down on this glass, and the glass would have killed you.

Speaker 11 It's an empty vial.

Speaker 26 The poison.

Speaker 67 Oh, the vials.

Speaker 61 The skull's crossbones.

Speaker 66 There's nothing in it. Okay.

Speaker 69 But the shards would have ripped up that palace.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I might not have died, but it wouldn't have been good for me.

Speaker 77 You waste nothing.

Speaker 11 That's impressive.

Speaker 41 Okay, I'm back.

Speaker 58 I'm back with the drinks.

Speaker 57 King's juice for you. King's juice for you.

Speaker 51 King's juice for you, Honk.

Speaker 29 You're very scary.

Speaker 51 I'm scared of you.

Speaker 33 Great.

Speaker 77 And a toast.

Speaker 55 A toast. And Arnish.

Speaker 40 Laying it on just thick enough.

Speaker 69 To be said by Chunt.

Speaker 11 Oh, um.

Speaker 13 Honk if you do, honk if you don't. Honk and you drink.

Speaker 11 Honk is the best.

Speaker 67 I'll drink to that.

Speaker 51 I forgot how much he loves to say, honk.

Speaker 42 Ow!

Speaker 2 What the ow?

Speaker 26 Pick you up and punch.

Speaker 46 Oh, he kicked the shit out of that goose.

Speaker 69 It flies. It flies.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Have you always been married?

Speaker 38 Yeah, when did this happen?

Speaker 5 Your wife made these sandwiches?

Speaker 4 Me?

Speaker 61 Of course.

Speaker 3 Oh, I don't know if I've ever heard about her. Have we talked about your wife before?

Speaker 22 Yeah, dish.

Speaker 75 Well, you don't ask.

Speaker 66 You don't ask.

Speaker 8 So I don't know.

Speaker 66 That's fair.

Speaker 65 I'm not going to be one of those.

Speaker 63 I'm not going to be a wife guy.

Speaker 66 I'm going be, I'll bring it up when it's brought up, and then I'll be a wife guy.

Speaker 72 I'll I love her to death.

Speaker 71 Oh, no, no, not that way, Ernie.

Speaker 3 He's so scared. You can see the terror in his eyes.
So, you say something like that. Of course, he's gonna take it the wrong way.

Speaker 14 Is that bag of hay that has wife written across the chest in that back booth?

Speaker 11 Is that your wife?

Speaker 12 It's like a bag of hay.

Speaker 14 It almost looks like a cobbled-together scarecrow.

Speaker 82 No, well, let's not look at her. She's gonna walk over.

Speaker 8 Yes, it is.

Speaker 12 Holy shit, she's walking over.

Speaker 78 Oh my god. Oh, she's

Speaker 18 I am so sorry. I thought.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 26 We should take a quick break.

Speaker 71 I'm going to cut her off of the past.

Speaker 26 Hold on.

Speaker 3 Well, no, we can just take a quick break because it'll take her a while to walk over here.

Speaker 26 Hey, great.

Speaker 79 Hey, can you follow me over here?

Speaker 80 Can I talk to you?

Speaker 77 Me? Me? No, babe.

Speaker 71 Not you. You guys stay.

Speaker 26 Oh, I'll stay here.

Speaker 3 I really want to eat this sandwich, but there's so much shit in it.

Speaker 83 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Speaker 49 You know, we all have people in our lives we go to for advice.

Speaker 84 A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

Speaker 51 And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

Speaker 47 But when it comes to stuff like anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers.

Speaker 85 Instead, get guidance from a credentialed therapist online with BetterHelp.

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Speaker 83 And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash slash magic. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash magic.

Speaker 26 Oh, okay.

Speaker 63 She's gonna go home and make some more panitis.

Speaker 77 Oh, uh, safe ones?

Speaker 82 She says hi.

Speaker 6 Oh, hi.

Speaker 13 Honk, if you're hungry, we could, um, we could order you something here at the tavern or the now that's a t-shirt.

Speaker 2 Honk if you're hungry.

Speaker 22 Okay, you know what?

Speaker 58 Chunt, do you want your new t-shirt to be honk if you're hungry?

Speaker 55 Yeah, either that or honk if you're horny.

Speaker 11 I guess you and your wife could leave and you could...

Speaker 66 Keep honking. I'm reloading my honk.

Speaker 44 Ready?

Speaker 3 So, Chunt, your shirt would read honk, comma, if you're horny.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I think I've said it before when I was here.

Speaker 42 Sure, sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 34 Okay, new shirt, honk if you're horny in our merch store, but it's Chunt saying it.

Speaker 54 So it's extra sexy.

Speaker 38 But honk, I have to say.

Speaker 65 It's not an interesting story.

Speaker 66 I'm not going to get into it.

Speaker 9 it's a simple engagement.

Speaker 77 Simple engagement.

Speaker 66 That's all.

Speaker 58 I hate to pry, but it did seem like you're married to a sentient bag of hay.

Speaker 84 Like,

Speaker 38 it can walk around, and it seemed like it was talking to you.

Speaker 78 Carla?

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Was it a disguise?

Speaker 3 Or she always been a bag of hay?

Speaker 18 She always had a wife or something. Not to me.

Speaker 6 Not to me.

Speaker 66 I mean, care of everyone else, but not to me. And

Speaker 75 don't make the joke.

Speaker 66 Gonna take a roll in the hay.

Speaker 48 All right, that is

Speaker 26 something I had a load of money.

Speaker 69 Nope, I saw you bring up your fingers.

Speaker 63 You were loading those joke fingers.

Speaker 65 It's something that I can say, but you cannot.

Speaker 6 Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 66 We met. I was on a mission.

Speaker 6 The king told Blanc.

Speaker 26 You love that.

Speaker 33 Tom Blaine, I don't.

Speaker 2 Belaroth? I don't.

Speaker 66 Listen, if it's not written on my hand, I don't remember.

Speaker 26 Sure.

Speaker 65 King sent me on a mission.

Speaker 66 It was late at night, and I...

Speaker 48 Only through moonlight I saw this opening in the field.

Speaker 26 Oh.

Speaker 75 And I saw the bales of hay and the big stacks of hay.

Speaker 66 Nice.

Speaker 64 And that movie with Big Bird travels across the country.

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 13 Oh, Ornie, I've been describing movies you talk about.

Speaker 6 Oh, sure.

Speaker 26 I think they've gotten around. I think a lot of people have been describing it.

Speaker 69 I'm just describing it for the...

Speaker 66 I mean, I assume these microphones work.

Speaker 21 I just love that the oral tradition has brought follow that bird all over Foon.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 26 Speaking of oral tradition, keep talking about meeting your wife.

Speaker 43 What was next?

Speaker 6 You saw a big haystack?

Speaker 66 I'm following my own shadow through the light of the moon.

Speaker 66 And as you know, that's a horrible way to get through a field because eventually you are just going in a circle if you're following your own shadow and not looking forward.

Speaker 26 Absolutely.

Speaker 48 And I see out of the corner of my eye

Speaker 8 a hay bale following me.

Speaker 64 No legs, just hovering 18 inches off the ground.

Speaker 11 18 inches? Come on.

Speaker 86 The average is five and a half off the ground.

Speaker 26 What are we doing?

Speaker 64 Follow me off the ground, and I turn to it and I say, get away.

Speaker 66 I'm on a mission.

Speaker 48 And the hay, I eventually find out it's Carla, says I want to help.

Speaker 66 Oh,

Speaker 66 and we go on a mission.

Speaker 87 We break into a house full of adults.

Speaker 68 No children.

Speaker 26 Okay, that's good.

Speaker 48 We go in and kill everyone.

Speaker 11 Hey, honk. Okay.
Hey, honk. Yes.
Hey, honk. No, I'm saying was.

Speaker 18 No, I'm asking.

Speaker 20 Like as a duo, are you hey-honk?

Speaker 38 Oh, hey, honk.

Speaker 22 Or Or Honk Hey.

Speaker 63 I have never heard that.

Speaker 66 Would that be our celebrity name?

Speaker 9 I think so, yeah. That's

Speaker 70 that just our.

Speaker 69 Is that just two names put together?

Speaker 43 I guess.

Speaker 86 I think celebrity names.

Speaker 13 So, like, if you have, like, a Josh and a Pam, I think they become like Josh Pam.

Speaker 11 Sham. Or Pam or Pam Josh.

Speaker 12 That's how it works for me, right?

Speaker 87 Jam.

Speaker 58 Jam. Jam.

Speaker 13 Great, now I'm hungry.

Speaker 58 I guess Hey and Honk could be Hank.

Speaker 26 We can't have children.

Speaker 27 Oh.

Speaker 56 Oh.

Speaker 51 but you've tried.

Speaker 6 Is her hay all dried?

Speaker 8 I mean, all dried up?

Speaker 6 I'm rolling around. Sure.
I'm drying.

Speaker 45 Well, needle in a haystack.

Speaker 66 Hey, hey, that's not funny.

Speaker 3 You could put together Bale and Honk and have Bonk,

Speaker 3 but maybe that brings up the specter of not being able to have children.

Speaker 66 That's what we'll be doing on my birthday.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 38 This might seem like a weird question.

Speaker 41 Is she religious at all?

Speaker 51 Like, is she a Christian, Bale?

Speaker 57 Yay!

Speaker 1 Arnie, we dropped a banner.

Speaker 37 There's confetti.

Speaker 26 I did it.

Speaker 43 They're bringing out a cake.

Speaker 26 What is happening?

Speaker 86 I told the tavern I said, when Arnie does his best one, bring it out.

Speaker 26 This cake looks old.

Speaker 52 Like, we've been here for weeks.

Speaker 70 Things have been slow.

Speaker 63 That's why she's making paninis.

Speaker 66 We're growing our own tangerines.

Speaker 12 It's been

Speaker 65 slow. It's been slow.
But this, I mean, if I kill you today, Arnie, this would be a big night for me.

Speaker 69 So, have your cake,

Speaker 66 drink your ale, but I am going to kill you tonight.

Speaker 6 Honk, I hope you don't kill me, but can I ask,

Speaker 15 has it been a while since you've killed anybody?

Speaker 51 Like, are you kind of on the outs with the assassins again?

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 87 This is why I need this, Arnie.

Speaker 82 I see.

Speaker 66 I'm getting no invites to the midnight rallies

Speaker 48 or the four o'clock rallies.

Speaker 66 Yeah. I'm getting no invites to the birthday parties.

Speaker 66 I'm getting no invites to the condo raids.

Speaker 76 Sure.

Speaker 51 The worst part about not getting invited to the midnight rallies, it's like you know when they are, right? It's like you know they're happening.

Speaker 84 It's midnight.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Roll up the banner.

Speaker 9 Okay, let me just.

Speaker 69 Hypothetically, hypothetically, let's say you were very good.

Speaker 8 at a job for a long time and people

Speaker 72 people revered you people feared you people

Speaker 66 were asking for you to slash their arm as a form of an autograph.

Speaker 54 Sure, I was going to say, before that last part, it doesn't seem hypothetical.

Speaker 51 Sounds like you're describing me to a T, except for the arm slashing part.

Speaker 28 Should that be new? Sure, Arnie?

Speaker 20 Describing me to a T, and you're looking at the t-shirt?

Speaker 51 No new art, just new phrases.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I haven't.

Speaker 8 And let's say you asked to go on a mission, a run-of-the-mill,

Speaker 67 going into a house full of adults to kill them

Speaker 75 and you botched it.

Speaker 33 Sure.

Speaker 16 You

Speaker 63 went in and you killed everyone except for one person.

Speaker 66 Okay. And that person eventually goes and ruins your life

Speaker 87 by stealing

Speaker 65 your identity for three months.

Speaker 53 Oh.

Speaker 66 And tallying up a bill at a restaurant that you don't go to.

Speaker 12 Oh, shit.

Speaker 66 And that you've never heard of.

Speaker 12 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 66 And then

Speaker 66 down,

Speaker 70 let's say three weeks ago, you

Speaker 66 find a great area, nice schools, even though you don't have kids, you want to be in an area with nice schools.

Speaker 64 Sure.

Speaker 26 This is all still hypothetical, right?

Speaker 66 This never happened.

Speaker 8 Okay, okay.

Speaker 64 And you find a place that you want to buy.

Speaker 66 And they're like, great, we'll just have to run a check.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 54 So they checked all the nearby restaurants?

Speaker 69 Oh, yeah. That's what they do.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if someone is to move into a new area or settle down, they're like, well, we're gonna check around the nearby restaurants, inns, and taverns and see if you're ne'er-do-well.

Speaker 45 Yeah, see if you've run out on your bill, you know, right.

Speaker 33 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 69 So, long story short, the barley corn has a tab under my name, Honk,

Speaker 66 for 420,000 gold pieces.

Speaker 12 Nice.

Speaker 66 It's not nice.

Speaker 69 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 25 That would be 69,000.

Speaker 6 Nice.

Speaker 12 $420,000 gold.

Speaker 3 Do you have that sort of money?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 44 No.

Speaker 58 No.

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 58 Can I ask?

Speaker 51 And I'm so sorry, this might be slightly a side thing, but people never talk about money, and probably they should.

Speaker 30 Like, what do assassins make? Oh.

Speaker 2 Money-wise?

Speaker 15 Yeah, like, does it pay well?

Speaker 63 It depends who I'm killing on the food chain.

Speaker 72 Sure.

Speaker 66 You know, gutter punks, three pieces.

Speaker 26 Yeah. Gig life.

Speaker 66 It is a gig life. You know, I don't even have, and you know, the taxes here.
There's no way to check. So I'm not sending any paperwork.
But for someone like you, or a king, or

Speaker 67 some sort of

Speaker 66 sentient being, I'll say this.

Speaker 60 I'll say this.

Speaker 76 If I killed you, 17 gold pieces.

Speaker 69 If I killed a king,

Speaker 48 I would get paid 400 gold pieces, but immediately, death.

Speaker 67 I would

Speaker 6 not worry.

Speaker 66 There's no way. I mean, there's no way.

Speaker 3 17 gold seems like a very low amount considering I just paid four for a sandwich.

Speaker 26 I think

Speaker 3 I know you're talking about Arnie, but it's still a life.

Speaker 19 And I think you need to raise your rates.

Speaker 3 I think you're undervaluing your gifts, your place in the market.

Speaker 3 I think you need to rethink your whole structure from the ground up and start charging what you're really worth.

Speaker 20 Yes, you need to have a creed.

Speaker 13 You need to have, you know, just like

Speaker 13 your own sort of like

Speaker 51 something that keeps, brings him higher.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 11 Like, can you take him higher?

Speaker 69 I was thinking the same thing, and I'm a little upset that I didn't say it.

Speaker 81 And it's, I'm getting a little closer now to kill you, Arnold, because I was thinking the same thing.

Speaker 54 In my defense, I blurted out so fast because I didn't know if I was saying it right.

Speaker 45 Like, I was like, I'm never going to remember it exactly.

Speaker 82 But anyway.

Speaker 81 And sometimes it's tough to be like, how can I cram this into a sentence?

Speaker 26 Takes practice.

Speaker 3 I recommend just cramming away.

Speaker 5 And if it makes sense, great.

Speaker 65 You know know, it's a confidence. It's a confidence thing.

Speaker 80 I'll be honest.

Speaker 67 It's a confidence thing.

Speaker 26 I lost the edge.

Speaker 71 I

Speaker 65 misplaced a lot of my weapons

Speaker 26 forging a river.

Speaker 2 You lost them all in a river?

Speaker 26 I flipped over.

Speaker 63 I was trying to impress someone. I shouldn't have done it.

Speaker 26 I did a frightful.

Speaker 4 Oh, so you're doing stunts.

Speaker 54 It wasn't just crossing a river.

Speaker 29 You were trying to do stunts.

Speaker 70 It was a look at this type situation.

Speaker 3 And just you did like you're upside down, a bunch of daggers and poison vials fell out of your pockets.

Speaker 60 Well, I didn't realize that until until I was on the other side.

Speaker 44 Oh, jeez.

Speaker 66 So now I just have my bare hands, my wits, and hovering hay that follows me everywhere.

Speaker 42 It's not nothing.

Speaker 2 It isn't.

Speaker 8 It isn't. So I have to start over.

Speaker 69 So maybe my creed would be: it's a new beginning for me.

Speaker 75 That means for you, you don't know where I started.

Speaker 66 I could be in the middle.

Speaker 79 But make sure that you're following along.

Speaker 3 I like the length of this.

Speaker 81 Never say

Speaker 65 that you are away from where your destination is because look down.

Speaker 64 Your destination was always there.

Speaker 27 Whoa. Wow.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 81 Whoa.

Speaker 79 I need 400 gold pieces by like tonight.

Speaker 48 By like tonight.

Speaker 75 So it's your, it's you, 17 with you, and then I need to kill.

Speaker 9 So you need to kill like a lot of people of my stature or higher, like in standing.

Speaker 65 I'm trying to get some waterfront property in this place.

Speaker 3 You think you're gonna like are you gonna like flip that and rent it to try to like make a

Speaker 12 money back?

Speaker 65 I don't I learned my reason.

Speaker 66 I don't flip.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you lost all your weapons.

Speaker 13 I wonder how much

Speaker 13 maybe like assassinating a goose would be. Like I don't know how much that brings in.

Speaker 44 This

Speaker 43 whoa shit.

Speaker 68 Zero.

Speaker 26 Oh. This one?

Speaker 16 Oh.

Speaker 66 Nothing.

Speaker 26 You should eat those.

Speaker 13 He's cutting their necks and then kicking them.

Speaker 5 I know they fly, but you can't keep doing that.

Speaker 80 Watch this.

Speaker 66 a drop kick that means it hits the ground first, and then I kick it.

Speaker 9 Seems needlessly cruel.

Speaker 57 There's so much goose blood.

Speaker 3 All right, I mean, you're their namesake, so I don't know why you're being such a dick to them, but uh, that's fine.

Speaker 3 We should take a quick break and come back, and we're gonna find a way to help Honk out of this financial crisis.

Speaker 9 Killing a goose is more than being a dick to him,

Speaker 38 honk i don't want to die and also weirdly i consider you a friend i i don't know why because you're always trying to kill one of us but i have to imagine we can help you like i don't have 400 gold but it seems achievable shunt did you get these mini donuts

Speaker 12 yeah i brought them from yeah i brought them from uh hot space

Speaker 66 Here's the thing, Arnie.

Speaker 66 I am

Speaker 2 I'm alone.

Speaker 66 I know I'm married

Speaker 69 I have a lot of things going on, but you, you're, you seem like a businessman.

Speaker 82 Have you had any businesses?

Speaker 51 I mean, just this podcast and our shirts that don't sell because they're stupid and bad.

Speaker 32 I think we're trying to make them.

Speaker 63 Maybe I'm not, maybe I shouldn't be talking to you.

Speaker 61 Um, Usidor, you, uh, you have a knack.

Speaker 9 Oh, yes. With words?

Speaker 82 Do you do you have a business at all, or?

Speaker 3 Oh, I've had many businesses over my very long lifetime, and I would gladly give you any advice you need financially. Most assuredly, if money you need to make, you could be like me.

Speaker 3 Offer your skills, but for no price at all, but then guilt people into making a donation. Say, oh, certainly.
I'd love to assassinate that person. And you know what? I'll do it for free.

Speaker 3 But if you want to make a donation of, oh, I'd say, 200 gold or more,

Speaker 3 I can get it done even faster. And you'll get this very fetching hat and tote bag.

Speaker 61 Ooh, a fetching hat?

Speaker 63 And who am I saying that to?

Speaker 3 Why don't you ever need someone killed?

Speaker 4 Let's try.

Speaker 3 Hey, Chunt. Yeah? Do you need anyone killed?

Speaker 40 Well, I didn't want to say anything, but there is one of the geese at the bar

Speaker 20 has been just eye-fucking you all night long.

Speaker 13 And he left, clearly got a hat and a robe, and now he's telling everyone he's Goose Ador.

Speaker 56 What the fuck?

Speaker 42 What the fuck?

Speaker 6 Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. Wait, that whole thing?

Speaker 38 Let's not kill this goose so quickly.

Speaker 6 This might be...

Speaker 34 This might be the most important character I've ever run across.

Speaker 2 No, shut up, honey.

Speaker 33 Shut up.

Speaker 3 Are you talking about that golden goose right there?

Speaker 55 Yeah, the golden goose.

Speaker 79 Yeah, the only golden goose right there, yeah.

Speaker 20 He keeps laying these eggs.

Speaker 9 I tried to kick one and I broke a toe almost.

Speaker 3 Okay, alright, that's it. I cannot stand for this.
Chat, I thought you were gonna have someone killed, but it turns out the customer was I all along.

Speaker 3 Honk, how much would you charge me to kill that goose that's dressed like me, calling itself Gooseador?

Speaker 82 Well, geese are zero. You don't get paid.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, you have to kill geese.

Speaker 26 You have to pay shoes.

Speaker 75 Well, it's very, uh,

Speaker 66 in my mind, 21.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 66 21 golden pieces.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 64 But I'm confused because it's made of gold, so...

Speaker 66 Oh, but I'm paying you.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 66 This is why I'm bad at business.

Speaker 3 You're paying me?

Speaker 32 No, I'm paying you.

Speaker 3 You are bad at business. Look, i need you to kill that goose all right the golden one

Speaker 22 you gotta finish the negotiation first i will pay you 50

Speaker 24 yes no no no no no honk

Speaker 23 i will pay you 50 gold to make sure that goosidor never dies what no why ane why would you do that oh guys look all the geese are like rooting for goosador now they're selling t-shirts at the bar there's a t-shirt with like a stock image of goosador and it says I'm going to put Usador down.

Speaker 4 That's pretty fucking funny.

Speaker 4 That's pretty fucking funny. That sucks.

Speaker 18 I hate it.

Speaker 3 I'll pay you 100 gold to make sure that that goose is dead.

Speaker 54 I'll pay you 150 gold to make sure that goose is immortal.

Speaker 12 Honey, what are you doing?

Speaker 40 I'll pay you 20 gold to go grab me one of those t-shirts.

Speaker 3 Chunt, he went to go get the t-shirt. But the t-shirt costs 20 gold.
He's not going to make any money off of that.

Speaker 78 Look, look, look, look, okay.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 80 Chunt.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 75 i think they overheard what you said because their t-shirts look very familiar it says honk honk honk honk honk

Speaker 61 oh shit that's goose for honk if you're horny but it's the goose saying it yeah it's the goose saying it

Speaker 20 wow all right i've had it with these geese Arnie, what's this?

Speaker 37 You want to interview one of them or something?

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 29 I just want there to always, as long as we're in Hogsface, as long as we're at the ruffled feather, I want there to be a golden goose wearing a wizard hat that we could occasionally refer to as Gooseador just in the tavern.

Speaker 51 We don't need to interview them, we don't need to engage with them very much.

Speaker 13 I know what I'll do.

Speaker 9 I'm gonna throw water at this motherfucker.

Speaker 71 What the fuck?

Speaker 48 He did not like that.

Speaker 46 He just rolled right off his back.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 12 Yeah. He is a wizard.

Speaker 18 He is a wizard.

Speaker 3 I was never gonna do anything.

Speaker 9 Well, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 60 I think all of them did that.

Speaker 66 Here, I'll pour my ale on one.

Speaker 71 Oh, he's pissed.

Speaker 2 Oh, stop pecking at us.

Speaker 6 Get out of here.

Speaker 39 All right.

Speaker 5 This is my final offer.

Speaker 26 Honk, I knew you.

Speaker 6 No, sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Honk? Yes.

Speaker 3 You need 400 gold, right, for this

Speaker 66 hand while you hold my hand.

Speaker 71 A man.

Speaker 66 A man's honor at stake.

Speaker 3 You need 400 gold for your real estate deal, correct?

Speaker 75 I really do, yes.

Speaker 3 I will pay you that 400 gold if you promise me to kill all of those geese tonight. And you know what? As a gesture of good faith, here is the bag of 400 gold right now.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 82 Hold on.

Speaker 3 I'm paying you in advance.

Speaker 81 In real time, I'm going to count this.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 78 One.

Speaker 42 Okay, this is going to take you. Two.

Speaker 22 Hunk, while you do that, here's my offer.

Speaker 6 I will pay you two gold pieces if you grab that bag of gold and run right now.

Speaker 48 Here's two.

Speaker 26 Arnie, here's two.

Speaker 69 Here's two for you right now.

Speaker 6 No, you don't pay him.

Speaker 30 You're giving me useless money.

Speaker 3 Stop paying other people. You have to take the money.

Speaker 32 Okay, this is the first rule of business.

Speaker 3 Take money from people.

Speaker 77 Where did those mini donuts go?

Speaker 11 Oh, sorry. I put them away.
I thought we were all done.

Speaker 12 You want them back? No.

Speaker 12 I want one too.

Speaker 60 Okay, here you go. Thank you.

Speaker 22 Honk, who is this money supposed to go to?

Speaker 54 Maybe, should we cut you out of this entirely?

Speaker 51 I mean, to help you, like, if we deliver this gold directly to the person that you need to get this gold to, so you don't have to worry about it.

Speaker 3 Excellent idea.

Speaker 66 Let me write down the address.

Speaker 65 It's a realtor just outside of town named Marnie.

Speaker 66 Now, Marnie does not look like us.

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 45 Okay. Don't love that.

Speaker 16 When I look, I'm looking at you, humans.

Speaker 26 I'm looking at Isidore, Arne.

Speaker 72 Shunt, you are a badger.

Speaker 12 You're not a human.

Speaker 6 You're a badger.

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 But Marnie also doesn't look like a badger, I assume.

Speaker 71 No, no.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 64 Have you ever seen a tree?

Speaker 77 Yes. Sure.
Yes.

Speaker 6 Bend it over.

Speaker 66 Okay. Like it was in the wind.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 48 Now put a raptor tail on it.

Speaker 16 What the fuck?

Speaker 75 Now she needs 400 gold pieces.

Speaker 11 Hold on, that's it.

Speaker 61 If I need...

Speaker 62 Hold on.

Speaker 2 If I...

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 2 It's a bent over tree with a raptor tail?

Speaker 61 That's it?

Speaker 80 You can't miss her.

Speaker 3 I can't imagine we would.

Speaker 66 Just outside of town, if you give her 400 pieces in my name, I will get the waterfront property. Okay.
That my wife, Carla, and I, can build a small house.

Speaker 26 Okay. Okay.
For our...

Speaker 65 And it's just us. We can't have kids.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You don't have to keep bringing that up.

Speaker 54 Guys, I never say this. Let's not help him.
Let's not help him.

Speaker 26 Let's not help.

Speaker 36 What if we didn't help?

Speaker 23 I suppose we don't have to.

Speaker 8 Should I walk away while you talk about me?

Speaker 77 Or do you want me to stay here? I want you to hear all.

Speaker 63 You say that you're not going to help me.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I want you to hear it.

Speaker 26 I kind of want to meet Marnie. I don't don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm very curious about Marnie. Arnie.

Speaker 3 Chunt, you and I, maybe we should go deliver this gold and meet Marnie.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Oh, also, no offense, but are you related, Eustor?

Speaker 54 Here's the thing. Wait, wait.

Speaker 54 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 45 Hang on.

Speaker 54 Because now I understand how it fills you with rage, how it fills me with rage when someone has almost the same name as me.

Speaker 29 So the whole Goosador thing, I get it.

Speaker 51 The Marnie thing, because it's filling me with rage.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Chunt, what do you mean? Am I related?

Speaker 13 Well, Marnie, the bent bent over tree, has a raptor tail, and I know that your cousin is

Speaker 3 no, I am not related to Kraptor. Kraptor is a dinosaur, a shitty dinosaur.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, dinosaurs as birds, and it is true that a conspiracy of wind and rain and birds and fire and frogs and deer insisted that a champion come forward into the world, and I did emerge from their request at the behest of the goddesses to defeat all forms of evil.

Speaker 3 But I am not related to that fucking dinosaur, Kraptor. I'm not related to him.

Speaker 3 Arnie, I feel like the wizard doth protest too much i don't crapdor can right off i'm not related to marnie i'm not related to crapdor

Speaker 32 no okay all right this is what's gonna happen right now all four of us we're walking down to that river we're gonna find marnie come on leave the fucking geese here kick the out the geese

Speaker 6 oh you're coming with us come on we're going okay fine come on

Speaker 2 wait shut up geese we're leaving we're gonna find marnie we're gonna straighten all this out

Speaker 12 of the way hunk honk out of the way honk honk hunk I can't!

Speaker 61 I can't move!

Speaker 3 I'm gonna talk to this Monty, and I'm gonna prove to you that I am not related to dinosaurs. You understand that?

Speaker 66 If it doesn't work out, and you're looking for a place, if this doesn't work out for me, you need her in your contacts. She's a great realtor.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, that's great, because I don't want to piss off a realtor. They're one of the worst things to piss off in all food.

Speaker 82 All right, here she is out there in the distance.

Speaker 3 Okay, uh, hello, friend.

Speaker 3 Uh, it is I, Yusudor the Blue, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis.

Speaker 28 Are you sure that's her?

Speaker 3 Known by the dwarves as Zodenux Danges.

Speaker 61 Known by the.

Speaker 80 Oh, this one doesn't have a tail.

Speaker 81 Yeah,

Speaker 81 this one doesn't have a tail. Hold on.

Speaker 60 I'm just talking to a tree. Okay.

Speaker 6 Hold on.

Speaker 66 Whoa, boy. I'm a little turned around here.

Speaker 50 Also, guys, I hate to say it.

Speaker 51 I noticed when we left the tavern, Hong just started following a shadow by the moonlight. So.

Speaker 60 We need Carla. We need Carla to get us out of here.

Speaker 51 Yeah, we're just on the other side of the tavern.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Well, fuck.

Speaker 77 Well, I do want to say this.

Speaker 66 I've had a lot of fun tonight, but Arnie, I do need to kill you.

Speaker 71 No,

Speaker 3 sorry, I have to intervene here. Of course, I can't allow you to kill Arnie.
He's a good friend of mine, and if you try to kill him, I will use all my wizardly prowess to strike you down.

Speaker 3 I may say a secret name, which would cause you to erupt in flames, or I may cast a freeze spell at you, or I may just slam my staff down onto the ground, opening the chasm beneath you where you'd fall to a grisly death of fire and brimstone.

Speaker 11 Oh, holy shit.

Speaker 23 Look, Gusidor's in a bubble up in the air above us.

Speaker 40 He's charging up.

Speaker 18 Damn it.

Speaker 40 He's charging.

Speaker 38 Charging up.

Speaker 5 Why does he have magic?

Speaker 20 He's just a goose with a wizard hat on. I guess fake it till you make it.

Speaker 11 I don't know. Fucking hell.

Speaker 60 Did we pay our tab? We just...

Speaker 44 Oh,

Speaker 26 our travel.

Speaker 60 It's flowers.

Speaker 3 She won't be mad. It'll be fine.

Speaker 57 It's flower.

Speaker 54 She will be mad, but she's just always mad.

Speaker 56 Yeah, it'll be fine.

Speaker 9 She'll hold it over our heads for years.

Speaker 30 Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 45 I don't think there's any way you're going to pull off this deal.

Speaker 51 Not that you can't get the money. I just don't think you're going to successfully get this place.

Speaker 29 And that's okay.

Speaker 26 Here, I have what?

Speaker 15 47 gold pieces, which is no small amount.

Speaker 51 I'm just going to give it to you.

Speaker 49 See what you can do with that eventually, wherever you land.

Speaker 28 Absolutely. And you know what?

Speaker 13 Earlier today, not even but an hour ago, I came rushing from work and I got paid today.

Speaker 55 So here is 400 gold. Do

Speaker 13 piece that together and do something with it and see if it can make men's meat.

Speaker 33 Men's meat.

Speaker 8 I'll make men's meat.

Speaker 3 Oh, a men's meat panini would be kind of delicious.

Speaker 48 It'd be actually amazing panini.

Speaker 66 A men's meat panini. I mean, it spill out after one bite, but yeah.

Speaker 3 Delicious. I'll also, just so I don't feel like a dick, I'll give you, yeah, this is 150 gold.
So you've got. Oh, I'm good.

Speaker 66 I already have 400. Thank you, though.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 70 Gentlemen, can I tell you I've had a great time?

Speaker 72 Arnie,

Speaker 66 look at me. Yes.

Speaker 64 I'm holding both your wrists on purpose.

Speaker 48 Yeah, you're very because I was going to kill you tonight.

Speaker 15 What, Honk?

Speaker 51 But I never believed for a second you were capable of it, but I love you. I'm glad we got to see you again.

Speaker 49 I hope you get away with it.

Speaker 63 You will see me again because I'm not an interrupter, but I need to let you know that there are more people out to kill you.

Speaker 53 Oh, oh.

Speaker 51 Oh, Honk, can these coins we gave you, can they be a down payment on you killing other assassins?

Speaker 54 Like, you don't have to go out of your way, but if you come across an assassin that you've heard is trying to kill me, will you kill them?

Speaker 45 Down payment.

Speaker 63 Arne, it would be my pleasure.

Speaker 66 I will let you know that I am not good with money, so I will not be...

Speaker 63 I don't know how to keep track of this.

Speaker 69 So

Speaker 81 if I kill a certain number, I will be asking for more money.

Speaker 26 Yeah, that's it. And you'll say,

Speaker 26 we gave you 400.

Speaker 63 I will say what I am saying now.

Speaker 67 I'm not good with money.

Speaker 66 And if you don't pay me, I'll kill you.

Speaker 3 Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

Speaker 3 One tip, though, before you kill them, don't give them any of the money.

Speaker 6 They won't need it, and then you'll just have less money.

Speaker 81 Say that one more time.

Speaker 3 Right before you kill them, don't give them any money.

Speaker 69 I will.

Speaker 61 Don't try to, of course.

Speaker 3 Don't give them any of your money. They won't need it, and then you'll have less money.

Speaker 63 And I will slip it in their pockets.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 16 In their cold

Speaker 26 cold pockets.

Speaker 71 Don't do that.

Speaker 62 Why are their pockets cold?

Speaker 3 All right, Honk. Do whatever you want with the money.
If you need more money, I guess just come back to us and shake us down again.

Speaker 51 Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest. Most episodes we end up giving most of our money to whoever's on the show for no reason.

Speaker 63 You did give the money out pretty quick.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Honestly, this is less than we usually give.

Speaker 12 I give my money for a change.

Speaker 60 You can't tell if we're generous or stupid.

Speaker 6 I think it's stupid.

Speaker 70 I love you. Me?

Speaker 33 Carthy.

Speaker 33 Oh, Carla.

Speaker 15 Oh, sorry. Oh, you were talking.

Speaker 26 Sorry, we thought you were talking out.

Speaker 62 That felt so bad.

Speaker 26 We should just go back.

Speaker 33 Let's just go back.

Speaker 6 Well, I'm going to go this way.

Speaker 51 Oh, shit. He's walking the same direction as us.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 26 It's weird. Well,

Speaker 69 let's hang back a little bit, Carla.

Speaker 81 Let's give it another space.

Speaker 11 Oh, sorry, Honk.

Speaker 13 You threw the money.

Speaker 11 Here you go. All right.
See ya.

Speaker 77 Gentlemen, until we meet again, Carla, disrobe.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, we definitely have to go.

Speaker 38 I'm worried about Gusidor just charging up in the air like that.

Speaker 43 Is he stuck?

Speaker 42 Is he over? Charge?

Speaker 71 Chunt, here's your money back.

Speaker 78 Sorry.

Speaker 26 Are you sure? Here's your money.

Speaker 51 Yes. Oh, this is actually.

Speaker 65 Arnie, I'm keeping your 45, Arnie.

Speaker 81 That's fine.

Speaker 56 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 18 Honk, this is 750. I gave you 400.

Speaker 81 Have a good night.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 24 What is going on in his head?

Speaker 44 I can't.

Speaker 52 I can't put it together.

Speaker 19 All I know is, running away from the three main hosts, never a bad idea. So, wait, my new assistant couldn't stick around long enough to do the outro? Great.

Speaker 19 I guess I'll be the change I want to see in the world and phone them in myself. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.
Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Speaker 19 Honk the Assassin was played by the budget-friendly version of Josh Brolin. Special guest Ross Kimball.

Speaker 19 Check out Ross's podcasts, The Kent Beagle Mind Summit, and The Most Wonderful Pod of the Year, where he reviews bad Christmas movies and specials with his co-host, Jackie Gonzalez-Dorothy.

Speaker 19 Also, you can still see him as one of the jurors in the acclaimed TV show Jury Duty. If you want a chunch shirt that reads, Honk if you're horny, I know I don't, check out the dashery store.

Speaker 19 You'll also find the regular Magic Tavern shirts and the special live shows shirts as well. Links in the show notes.
Would you prefer to listen to other podcasts?

Speaker 19 Did you know that's always been an option? Friend of the show Joey Bland, who portrays Winky Silks in this our only universe, has a new trivia podcast, Like Minds.

Speaker 19 I thought there was a new podcast because just last night one of the evening stars flickered and went out. Anyway, on a recent episode of this, Matt and Arnie competed against each other.

Speaker 19 Find like minds wherever you find any other podcast. It's not like they created a new internet just for this thing.

Speaker 19 Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Speaker 19 Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, which is an episode-length Craig adventure.

Speaker 19 I didn't approve this. Here's the clip.

Speaker 3 There's a present for you under the tree. I've been waiting many years for you to come and open it.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 3 I hope you like it.

Speaker 88 All right, I'll just open it now here.

Speaker 59 Oh, you is okay if I stay while you open it?

Speaker 88 Yeah, I just thought, I mean, it's the gifts. Usually it's better to.
It's for the person who's giving it, really.

Speaker 9 You want to share that moment.

Speaker 59 Please open it. So I'll just.

Speaker 88 Oh, and it has my name, which is a little odd, but I'll just open this.

Speaker 33 Oh!

Speaker 55 A sweater.

Speaker 70 Yeah, it's a sweater.

Speaker 59 I made it myself, but look under the sweater. There's a Game Boy color.

Speaker 33 Whoa,

Speaker 4 this is gonna come in so handy. This is like the only entertainment here.
This is great.

Speaker 60 I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years to give somebody a Game Boy color.

Speaker 88 Oh, but I see the only game you have here is that one that requires the light sensor that uses the sunlight, and there's literally no sun here, so I don't know how I would possibly.

Speaker 3 I didn't realize that. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 88 That's all right. I can get some ROMs.

Speaker 19 Well, that was about how I thought it would be. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Speaker 19 Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.
Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

Speaker 19 This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.