Season 5, Ep 68 - Honk if You're Hungry (w/ Ross Kimball)

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Oh,

yeah, baby.

Oh, oh, oh, timeout.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm supposed to read this script.

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Oh, here we go.

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Don't waste any more time thinking about theoretical transdimensional science.

And most importantly, enjoy the show.

Love you.

Usinor, have you seen Chunt?

We're supposed to do the episode.

Oh no, I haven't seen him.

He might be out taking a walk.

It's a lovely day.

He could be making time with some attractive young creature, though he is stuck in the form of a badger.

His romantic escapades continue.

Maybe he's courting one of those geese over there by the bar.

Oh, speaking of which, I'm going to finish setting up these mites.

Isidore, do you mind getting us a drink from the bar?

Sure, I'll go get you some drinks.

Uh, what do you want?

Oh, I'll just...

You know what?

I'll have King's Juice.

King's Juice.

Very good.

All right.

Do we have a guest this week?

Should I get a drink for the guests?

You know what?

I thought we'd just do a weird one.

I thought we'd just do one where it's just the boys hanging out.

Boy, it's a little weird.

Yes.

Yeah, boy, maybe a boys' night, even.

All right, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Okay, move these microphones around.

Uh, uh, prop burp got-fuck right off.

User, are you all right?

Yeah,

these geese are fucking pricks.

Oh, that's right.

They're those geese by the bar now.

They just are dicks to anyone that walks up to the bar.

It's gonna hurt flower sales.

They just started honking at me.

I didn't do anything.

Slides across table in a cool way.

Oh, fuck

you went right off the other end.

Oh, I knocked everything.

I'm so sorry.

So many splinters.

I thought that would look so cool.

Fuck.

Oh, my fucking leg.

Uh, Chunt, I went ahead and got you a King's Juice.

Honey,

King's Juice.

Guys, I

sincerely apologize.

I'm...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm late.

How's the new job?

Weird, good, good, weird, weird, good.

Weird, good?

Weird, good, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Who, are these are these geese single?

It's still, what's the story with these geese?

I wouldn't go over there.

Oh.

Yeah, so we should drink these slow, because if we need more beers, those geese are dicks.

Well, I just got a shot, so I'll probably have to go back over there.

All right, well, anyway,

I'll start the show.

Are you ready, Chuck?

Yeah, yeah, just maybe, um, maybe slow, uh, maybe slow down the intro.

Okay.

Oh, should I go first this time instead of you?

Maybe, yeah, maybe, yeah.

Okay.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years and four or five months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, you're never going to believe this.

I'm still getting a Wi-Fi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I expound.

How that's happening, I don't know.

And it's not from the, I used to think it was from the Burger King, but that Burger King has been torn down and they put like condos up in its place.

So I don't know where I'm getting the Wi-Fi exactly.

But I use that to upload a podcast.

This podcast.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

This podcast, not a different podcast.

This podcast.

Great, great.

To upload just this.

Hey, sweetie.

Wow.

Hey, what's going on?

Ow.

Don't bother with them.

Chunt, if you make them honk, it's going to disrupt the audio on the show.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

Here in the ruffled feather in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Fog's Face and the Magical Land of Foon, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

But sorry?

Bing Bong.

Oh, sorry.

Chat usually goes first.

The elves know me as Fearing Yalak.

The Dwarves Nobi is Zodomin and Stingies.

And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanius Mae Star.

It sucks that one of the geese honked over halls of Tarakis, so it was a very good idea.

And them may be these secret names that if e'er I did whisper them aloud, I even the faintest whisper would cause lightning to strike every hemisphere of this globe and break this world in twain.

Oh shit, we're starting too slow.

I can tell it.

We overshot it.

We're starting too slow.

Okay, well, um, ooh, I feel I feel a little bit better.

Let me give a stretch.

Uh, all right, then I'm also joined by.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

What's this?

I introduced myself.

Yes.

First.

You usually introduce Chunt first.

Yeah.

You banter with him.

I sit there and stare at you two idiots, not saying a word.

But you're skipping over that and going straight into Chunt's introduction.

No, let's banter.

You Sidor?

What's going on, buddy?

You know, spells and stuff.

Sure.

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chunt the Dogging Badger.

Honk bong, bing, honk.

How you doing, bud?

So, have you caught your breath?

Yes, uh, thank you so much for buying me some time.

I, um, yes, I tried to ride grapes here as fast as I could.

It turns out grapes is not a racing goat nor a running goat or even a trotting goat.

I noticed when you came in here, you were actually carrying grapes on your shoulders.

Like, it must have gotten that bad.

Yeah, this sling them over my shoulder like a

continental something.

And I race over here.

So I am.

I am so sorry.

No, it's okay.

So, so sorry.

I know, look, this podcast is important, but everyone needs their side hustles.

And if you have a job in town, you have a job in town.

We'll accommodate.

Thank you, thank you.

I didn't want to have to bring this up before, but is it time to turn in grapes for a racing goat?

For what?

For a racing goat to trade up to a racing goat.

Oh, I thought you said turn him in.

No, trade him up.

Trade up.

Trade up to a race goat.

Trade him up.

Maybe, you know, I've gotten pretty attached.

Also,

I don't know if you remember someone tried to eat him, and I feel that that made me kind of bonded to him or something that

I had to kind of nurse him a little bit back to health.

Okay.

Gentlemen, I don't mean to interrupt, but I saw you sitting at the corner.

Are you interested in a panini my wife made?

Oh, we have cheese and pepperoni,

ham, mozzarella.

This guy's really pressing us to buy a panini.

Oh, you don't have to.

I was just

seeing you men by yourselves with this audio equipment.

And sure.

Well, we just looked like we needed a panini?

It wasn't that funny.

Absolutely.

Arnie, why don't you have this panini?

Oh, you know.

Whoa, you're really shoving this in my face.

Uh, Arnie, have you bought paninis from this guy before?

I have never met this, but I'm kind of a little bit of a celebrity in this world at this point.

Let me take off my hood and this hood.

And this hood.

What the fuck?

Chunt, grab that end of my hood and pull it back.

Hello, Arnie.

It.

Oh, I know you.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Look at me.

Oh, look at me.

You look so familiar.

I know I should.

Shut up.

I can't remember his name.

Jesus, that's a good thing.

Shut up.

Shut up over there.

Chunt, grab that hood off the floor.

Okay.

Put it on my head.

Okay.

Now.

Now look at me.

Okay, you're sort of uh you're sort of showcasing your face with your hands.

Face?

Now I know

you're not either you take a step back or I'll have to take a step back.

But to get a good view.

All right.

You're a human.

You're not some kind of freaky animal.

Hey.

You Sidor, you remember.

Oh, shit.

I remember.

I do.

I do remember.

Honk.

Honk the assassin.

Honk.

It's been a while.

Yeah, I'll buy a panini.

Oh, great.

Let's see.

Do you have a foil allergy?

No, no, I'm fine.

That's fine.

Great.

We have, like I said, pepperoni, mozzarella, and then we have a ham provolone.

And my wife made these, so

she didn't label any of these, so it's kind of just a smattering.

I don't even know.

I don't really.

If they're not labeled, I'll just take whatever.

It's fine.

All right, great.

Okay.

That's going to be four.

There's four gold pieces.

There you go.

One, two, three, four.

Great.

And you can have this one back.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you, Honk.

But we're doing an episode, so

I suppose.

No,

it's been a while.

Look, I know I said we were going to do a weird one.

We were going to do a Boy's Night.

Sorry, Chunt.

We were going to do a Boys' night.

But instead, Boy's night.

Well, boys' night canceled.

Why don't we have Honk on as a guest?

I feel like the last time we saw you was at the Slippery Eel in Grumbleshire,

your uncle's place.

Well, only a few people would remember that.

Yeah, yeah, that one's just on the Patreon.

Oh, shit.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Slaps the paninis out of Yusuro's hands.

I just remembered what Honk does for a living.

Don't eat those.

But I'm hungry.

He's an assassin.

Oh, that's right.

You would have eaten this this tiny saber.

Holy shit.

Yeah, there's a saber inside that panini.

You would have eaten this tiny saber knife.

Honk, why would you try to assassinate me?

I was hoping Arnie.

Oh, that I get.

Get the panini.

He's a bit of a celebrity around here.

I am a bit of a celebrity.

Oh, no.

Have I gotten to death threat level of fame?

I guess maybe I have.

Has anyone else tried to kill you, Arnie?

Like, recently?

I mean, I've tried.

I've been stabbing.

Oh, yeah.

Have you woken up in the middle of the night to someone hovering over you?

I do that.

I mostly kind of just traips through Fun with a sort of devil-may care attitude, but I don't think so, guys.

Do you remember anyone trying to kill me this season?

Drip Fang stabbed you once upon a time.

Yeah, that was a while ago, though.

I'm talking about like in the last couple months.

King Bellaroth.

There's a goose becking at your neck right now.

Oh, yeah.

Get away, goose.

On your On your knees, King Bellaroth.

King Bellaroth.

Uh, sure.

Oh, oh, are you like,

really, are you like a Bellaroth head?

Am I really into him, Arnie?

Yeah, I am really into him because he's the king and he sent me to kill you.

What?

That's why I asked, because I cannot be the first, but I will be the last.

Yeah, because you're probably not the most effective assassin he has in his employee.

Arnie, careful.

What are you doing?

Get up.

Um, follow me.

Have you have we never met?

Follow me to the corner.

Chunt, Ustador, stay here.

Arnie, follow me.

Okay, fine.

You're lucky.

I need my steps.

It feels like we should go, but no, you stay here.

Okay.

Follow me.

We're not going outside.

We're just staying right here.

Can I eat my panita even though it fell on the floor?

Absolutely.

Arnie, can you do me a favor and just not do that in front of them?

Oh, I need you to be a little more scared.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

I need you to be a lot more scared.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't promise that.

I can't promise that I'll let you kill me, but I.

I need you.

I need you to nod after I say this.

Okay, and that's that.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Whoa, you saw.

Do you see that?

Oh, he seems terrified.

What's hard to do with that?

I'm gonna grab your wrist.

Let me know if it's too rough.

Whoa.

Arnie, get me something to drink.

And I want something off the apps.

Okay.

Honk, I gotta say, I'm really impressed.

Like, you're gonna be a little bit more.

We're back with everybody.

You don't need to talk about it anymore.

We're back with everybody.

Oh, okay.

Don't need to see anybody.

What's going on?

Guys, I'm so scared of Honk.

I'm gonna go get us all drinks.

I'll be right back.

Oh, okay.

King's juice.

King's juice.

Sean, you should eat half of this panini.

It's excellent.

I took the saber out.

Oh, okay.

Fuck off, geese.

Fuck off.

Honk, holy shit.

You really...

I've never seen anyone talk to Arnie like that.

That was incredible.

Well, someone has to.

Yeah.

Here's the thing about celebrity.

You get surrounded by yes people, yes, men, yes, women.

You have nature telling you you could do whatever you want.

Yeah.

And you get to the point where you feel invincible.

And today,

I'm going to make Arnie feel vincible.

Yes.

Finally.

I actually think this is a Provolone and Gouda mix.

Give me that.

Come on.

Spit that out.

Spit that out.

A vial of poison.

You would have chopped down on this glass, and the glass would have killed you.

It's an empty vial.

The poison.

Oh, the vials.

The skull's crossbones.

There's nothing in it.

Okay.

But the shards would have ripped up that palace.

Yeah, I might not have died, but it wouldn't have been good for me.

You waste nothing.

That's impressive.

Okay, I'm back.

I'm back with the drinks.

King's juice for you.

King's juice for you.

King's juice for you, Honk.

You're very scary.

I'm scared of you.

Great.

And a toast.

A toast.

And Arnish.

Laying it on just thick enough.

To be said by Chunt.

Oh, um.

Honk if you do, honk if you don't.

Honk and you drink.

Honk is the best.

I'll drink to that.

I forgot how much he loves to say, honk.

Ow!

What the ow?

Pick you up and punch.

Oh, he kicked the shit out of that goose.

It flies.

It flies.

Yeah.

Have you always been married?

Yeah, when did this happen?

Your wife made these sandwiches?

Me?

Of course.

Oh, I don't know if I've ever heard about her.

Have we talked about your wife before?

Yeah, dish.

Well, you don't ask.

You don't ask.

So I don't know.

That's fair.

I'm not going to be one of those.

I'm not going to be a wife guy.

I'm going be, I'll bring it up when it's brought up, and then I'll be a wife guy.

I'll I love her to death.

Oh, no, no, not that way, Ernie.

He's so scared.

You can see the terror in his eyes.

So, you say something like that.

Of course, he's gonna take it the wrong way.

Is that bag of hay that has wife written across the chest in that back booth?

Is that your wife?

It's like a bag of hay.

It almost looks like a cobbled-together scarecrow.

No, well, let's not look at her.

She's gonna walk over.

Yes, it is.

Holy shit, she's walking over.

Oh my god.

Oh, she's

I am so sorry.

I thought.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

We should take a quick break.

I'm going to cut her off of the past.

Hold on.

Well, no, we can just take a quick break because it'll take her a while to walk over here.

Hey, great.

Hey, can you follow me over here?

Can I talk to you?

Me?

Me?

No, babe.

Not you.

You guys stay.

Oh, I'll stay here.

I really want to eat this sandwich, but there's so much shit in it.

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Oh, okay.

She's gonna go home and make some more panitis.

Oh, uh, safe ones?

She says hi.

Oh, hi.

Honk, if you're hungry, we could, um, we could order you something here at the tavern or the now that's a t-shirt.

Honk if you're hungry.

Okay, you know what?

Chunt, do you want your new t-shirt to be honk if you're hungry?

Yeah, either that or honk if you're horny.

I guess you and your wife could leave and you could...

Keep honking.

I'm reloading my honk.

Ready?

So, Chunt, your shirt would read honk, comma, if you're horny.

Yeah, I think I've said it before when I was here.

Sure, sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, new shirt, honk if you're horny in our merch store, but it's Chunt saying it.

So it's extra sexy.

But honk, I have to say.

It's not an interesting story.

I'm not going to get into it.

it's a simple engagement.

Simple engagement.

That's all.

I hate to pry, but it did seem like you're married to a sentient bag of hay.

Like,

it can walk around, and it seemed like it was talking to you.

Carla?

Yeah.

Was it a disguise?

Or she always been a bag of hay?

She always had a wife or something.

Not to me.

Not to me.

I mean, care of everyone else, but not to me.

And

don't make the joke.

Gonna take a roll in the hay.

All right, that is

something I had a load of money.

Nope, I saw you bring up your fingers.

You were loading those joke fingers.

It's something that I can say, but you cannot.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

We met.

I was on a mission.

The king told Blanc.

You love that.

Tom Blaine, I don't.

Belaroth?

I don't.

Listen, if it's not written on my hand, I don't remember.

Sure.

King sent me on a mission.

It was late at night, and I...

Only through moonlight I saw this opening in the field.

Oh.

And I saw the bales of hay and the big stacks of hay.

Nice.

And that movie with Big Bird travels across the country.

Sure.

Oh, Ornie, I've been describing movies you talk about.

Oh, sure.

I think they've gotten around.

I think a lot of people have been describing it.

I'm just describing it for the...

I mean, I assume these microphones work.

I just love that the oral tradition has brought follow that bird all over Foon.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of oral tradition, keep talking about meeting your wife.

What was next?

You saw a big haystack?

I'm following my own shadow through the light of the moon.

And as you know, that's a horrible way to get through a field because eventually you are just going in a circle if you're following your own shadow and not looking forward.

Absolutely.

And I see out of the corner of my eye

a hay bale following me.

No legs, just hovering 18 inches off the ground.

18 inches?

Come on.

The average is five and a half off the ground.

What are we doing?

Follow me off the ground, and I turn to it and I say, get away.

I'm on a mission.

And the hay, I eventually find out it's Carla, says I want to help.

Oh,

and we go on a mission.

We break into a house full of adults.

No children.

Okay, that's good.

We go in and kill everyone.

Hey, honk.

Okay.

Hey, honk.

Yes.

Hey, honk.

No, I'm saying was.

No, I'm asking.

Like as a duo, are you hey-honk?

Oh, hey, honk.

Or Or Honk Hey.

I have never heard that.

Would that be our celebrity name?

I think so, yeah.

That's

that just our.

Is that just two names put together?

I guess.

I think celebrity names.

So, like, if you have, like, a Josh and a Pam, I think they become like Josh Pam.

Sham.

Or Pam or Pam Josh.

That's how it works for me, right?

Jam.

Jam.

Jam.

Great, now I'm hungry.

I guess Hey and Honk could be Hank.

We can't have children.

Oh.

Oh.

but you've tried.

Is her hay all dried?

I mean, all dried up?

I'm rolling around.

Sure.

I'm drying.

Well, needle in a haystack.

Hey, hey, that's not funny.

You could put together Bale and Honk and have Bonk,

but maybe that brings up the specter of not being able to have children.

That's what we'll be doing on my birthday.

Sure.

This might seem like a weird question.

Is she religious at all?

Like, is she a Christian, Bale?

Yay!

Arnie, we dropped a banner.

There's confetti.

I did it.

They're bringing out a cake.

What is happening?

I told the tavern I said, when Arnie does his best one, bring it out.

This cake looks old.

Like, we've been here for weeks.

Things have been slow.

That's why she's making paninis.

We're growing our own tangerines.

It's been

slow.

It's been slow.

But this, I mean, if I kill you today, Arnie, this would be a big night for me.

So, have your cake,

drink your ale, but I am going to kill you tonight.

Honk, I hope you don't kill me, but can I ask,

has it been a while since you've killed anybody?

Like, are you kind of on the outs with the assassins again?

Oh.

This is why I need this, Arnie.

I see.

I'm getting no invites to the midnight rallies

or the four o'clock rallies.

Yeah.

I'm getting no invites to the birthday parties.

I'm getting no invites to the condo raids.

Sure.

The worst part about not getting invited to the midnight rallies, it's like you know when they are, right?

It's like you know they're happening.

It's midnight.

Yeah.

Roll up the banner.

Okay, let me just.

Hypothetically, hypothetically, let's say you were very good.

at a job for a long time and people

people revered you people feared you people

were asking for you to slash their arm as a form of an autograph.

Sure, I was going to say, before that last part, it doesn't seem hypothetical.

Sounds like you're describing me to a T, except for the arm slashing part.

Should that be new?

Sure, Arnie?

Describing me to a T, and you're looking at the t-shirt?

No new art, just new phrases.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I haven't.

And let's say you asked to go on a mission, a run-of-the-mill,

going into a house full of adults to kill them

and you botched it.

Sure.

You

went in and you killed everyone except for one person.

Okay.

And that person eventually goes and ruins your life

by stealing

your identity for three months.

Oh.

And tallying up a bill at a restaurant that you don't go to.

Oh, shit.

And that you've never heard of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then

down,

let's say three weeks ago, you

find a great area, nice schools, even though you don't have kids, you want to be in an area with nice schools.

Sure.

This is all still hypothetical, right?

This never happened.

Okay, okay.

And you find a place that you want to buy.

And they're like, great, we'll just have to run a check.

Yeah.

So they checked all the nearby restaurants?

Oh, yeah.

That's what they do.

Yeah, if someone is to move into a new area or settle down, they're like, well, we're gonna check around the nearby restaurants, inns, and taverns and see if you're ne'er-do-well.

Yeah, see if you've run out on your bill, you know, right.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, long story short, the barley corn has a tab under my name, Honk,

for 420,000 gold pieces.

Nice.

It's not nice.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That would be 69,000.

Nice.

$420,000 gold.

Do you have that sort of money?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Can I ask?

And I'm so sorry, this might be slightly a side thing, but people never talk about money, and probably they should.

Like, what do assassins make?

Oh.

Money-wise?

Yeah, like, does it pay well?

It depends who I'm killing on the food chain.

Sure.

You know, gutter punks, three pieces.

Yeah.

Gig life.

It is a gig life.

You know, I don't even have, and you know, the taxes here.

There's no way to check.

So I'm not sending any paperwork.

But for someone like you, or a king, or

some sort of

sentient being, I'll say this.

I'll say this.

If I killed you, 17 gold pieces.

If I killed a king,

I would get paid 400 gold pieces, but immediately, death.

I would

not worry.

There's no way.

I mean, there's no way.

17 gold seems like a very low amount considering I just paid four for a sandwich.

I think

I know you're talking about Arnie, but it's still a life.

And I think you need to raise your rates.

I think you're undervaluing your gifts, your place in the market.

I think you need to rethink your whole structure from the ground up and start charging what you're really worth.

Yes, you need to have a creed.

You need to have, you know, just like

your own sort of like

something that keeps, brings him higher.

What?

Like, can you take him higher?

I was thinking the same thing, and I'm a little upset that I didn't say it.

And it's, I'm getting a little closer now to kill you, Arnold, because I was thinking the same thing.

In my defense, I blurted out so fast because I didn't know if I was saying it right.

Like, I was like, I'm never going to remember it exactly.

But anyway.

And sometimes it's tough to be like, how can I cram this into a sentence?

Takes practice.

I recommend just cramming away.

And if it makes sense, great.

You know know, it's a confidence.

It's a confidence thing.

I'll be honest.

It's a confidence thing.

I lost the edge.

I

misplaced a lot of my weapons

forging a river.

You lost them all in a river?

I flipped over.

I was trying to impress someone.

I shouldn't have done it.

I did a frightful.

Oh, so you're doing stunts.

It wasn't just crossing a river.

You were trying to do stunts.

It was a look at this type situation.

And just you did like you're upside down, a bunch of daggers and poison vials fell out of your pockets.

Well, I didn't realize that until until I was on the other side.

Oh, jeez.

So now I just have my bare hands, my wits, and hovering hay that follows me everywhere.

It's not nothing.

It isn't.

It isn't.

So I have to start over.

So maybe my creed would be: it's a new beginning for me.

That means for you, you don't know where I started.

I could be in the middle.

But make sure that you're following along.

I like the length of this.

Never say

that you are away from where your destination is because look down.

Your destination was always there.

Whoa.

Wow.

Yeah.

Whoa.

I need 400 gold pieces by like tonight.

By like tonight.

So it's your, it's you, 17 with you, and then I need to kill.

So you need to kill like a lot of people of my stature or higher, like in standing.

I'm trying to get some waterfront property in this place.

You think you're gonna like are you gonna like flip that and rent it to try to like make a

money back?

I don't I learned my reason.

I don't flip.

Okay.

Yeah, you lost all your weapons.

I wonder how much

maybe like assassinating a goose would be.

Like I don't know how much that brings in.

This

whoa shit.

Zero.

Oh.

This one?

Oh.

Nothing.

You should eat those.

He's cutting their necks and then kicking them.

I know they fly, but you can't keep doing that.

Watch this.

a drop kick that means it hits the ground first, and then I kick it.

Seems needlessly cruel.

There's so much goose blood.

All right, I mean, you're their namesake, so I don't know why you're being such a dick to them, but uh, that's fine.

We should take a quick break and come back, and we're gonna find a way to help Honk out of this financial crisis.

Killing a goose is more than being a dick to him,

honk i don't want to die and also weirdly i consider you a friend i i don't know why because you're always trying to kill one of us but i have to imagine we can help you like i don't have 400 gold but it seems achievable shunt did you get these mini donuts

yeah i brought them from yeah i brought them from uh hot space

Here's the thing, Arnie.

I am

I'm alone.

I know I'm married

I have a lot of things going on, but you, you're, you seem like a businessman.

Have you had any businesses?

I mean, just this podcast and our shirts that don't sell because they're stupid and bad.

I think we're trying to make them.

Maybe I'm not, maybe I shouldn't be talking to you.

Um, Usidor, you, uh, you have a knack.

Oh, yes.

With words?

Do you do you have a business at all, or?

Oh, I've had many businesses over my very long lifetime, and I would gladly give you any advice you need financially.

Most assuredly, if money you need to make, you could be like me.

Offer your skills, but for no price at all, but then guilt people into making a donation.

Say, oh, certainly.

I'd love to assassinate that person.

And you know what?

I'll do it for free.

But if you want to make a donation of, oh, I'd say, 200 gold or more,

I can get it done even faster.

And you'll get this very fetching hat and tote bag.

Ooh, a fetching hat?

And who am I saying that to?

Why don't you ever need someone killed?

Let's try.

Hey, Chunt.

Yeah?

Do you need anyone killed?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, but there is one of the geese at the bar

has been just eye-fucking you all night long.

And he left, clearly got a hat and a robe, and now he's telling everyone he's Goose Ador.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Wait, that whole thing?

Let's not kill this goose so quickly.

This might be...

This might be the most important character I've ever run across.

No, shut up, honey.

Shut up.

Are you talking about that golden goose right there?

Yeah, the golden goose.

Yeah, the only golden goose right there, yeah.

He keeps laying these eggs.

I tried to kick one and I broke a toe almost.

Okay, alright, that's it.

I cannot stand for this.

Chat, I thought you were gonna have someone killed, but it turns out the customer was I all along.

Honk, how much would you charge me to kill that goose that's dressed like me, calling itself Gooseador?

Well, geese are zero.

You don't get paid.

No, no, no, no, no, you have to kill geese.

You have to pay shoes.

Well, it's very, uh,

in my mind, 21.

Okay.

21 golden pieces.

Okay.

But I'm confused because it's made of gold, so...

Oh, but I'm paying you.

Okay.

This is why I'm bad at business.

You're paying me?

No, I'm paying you.

You are bad at business.

Look, i need you to kill that goose all right the golden one

you gotta finish the negotiation first i will pay you 50

yes no no no no no honk

i will pay you 50 gold to make sure that goosidor never dies what no why ane why would you do that oh guys look all the geese are like rooting for goosador now they're selling t-shirts at the bar there's a t-shirt with like a stock image of goosador and it says I'm going to put Usador down.

That's pretty fucking funny.

That's pretty fucking funny.

That sucks.

I hate it.

I'll pay you 100 gold to make sure that that goose is dead.

I'll pay you 150 gold to make sure that goose is immortal.

Honey, what are you doing?

I'll pay you 20 gold to go grab me one of those t-shirts.

Chunt, he went to go get the t-shirt.

But the t-shirt costs 20 gold.

He's not going to make any money off of that.

Look, look, look, look, okay.

Okay.

Chunt.

Yeah.

i think they overheard what you said because their t-shirts look very familiar it says honk honk honk honk honk

oh shit that's goose for honk if you're horny but it's the goose saying it yeah it's the goose saying it

wow all right i've had it with these geese Arnie, what's this?

You want to interview one of them or something?

No.

I just want there to always, as long as we're in Hogsface, as long as we're at the ruffled feather, I want there to be a golden goose wearing a wizard hat that we could occasionally refer to as Gooseador just in the tavern.

We don't need to interview them, we don't need to engage with them very much.

I know what I'll do.

I'm gonna throw water at this motherfucker.

What the fuck?

He did not like that.

He just rolled right off his back.

Fuck.

Yeah.

He is a wizard.

He is a wizard.

I was never gonna do anything.

Well, hold on, hold on.

I think all of them did that.

Here, I'll pour my ale on one.

Oh, he's pissed.

Oh, stop pecking at us.

Get out of here.

All right.

This is my final offer.

Honk, I knew you.

No, sorry, go ahead.

Honk?

Yes.

You need 400 gold, right, for this

hand while you hold my hand.

A man.

A man's honor at stake.

You need 400 gold for your real estate deal, correct?

I really do, yes.

I will pay you that 400 gold if you promise me to kill all of those geese tonight.

And you know what?

As a gesture of good faith, here is the bag of 400 gold right now.

What?

Hold on.

I'm paying you in advance.

In real time, I'm going to count this.

Okay.

One.

Okay, this is going to take you.

Two.

Hunk, while you do that, here's my offer.

I will pay you two gold pieces if you grab that bag of gold and run right now.

Here's two.

Arnie, here's two.

Here's two for you right now.

No, you don't pay him.

You're giving me useless money.

Stop paying other people.

You have to take the money.

Okay, this is the first rule of business.

Take money from people.

Where did those mini donuts go?

Oh, sorry.

I put them away.

I thought we were all done.

You want them back?

No.

I want one too.

Okay, here you go.

Thank you.

Honk, who is this money supposed to go to?

Maybe, should we cut you out of this entirely?

I mean, to help you, like, if we deliver this gold directly to the person that you need to get this gold to, so you don't have to worry about it.

Excellent idea.

Let me write down the address.

It's a realtor just outside of town named Marnie.

Now, Marnie does not look like us.

Okay.

Okay.

Don't love that.

When I look, I'm looking at you, humans.

I'm looking at Isidore, Arne.

Shunt, you are a badger.

You're not a human.

You're a badger.

Yeah, yeah.

But Marnie also doesn't look like a badger, I assume.

No, no.

Okay.

Have you ever seen a tree?

Yes.

Sure.

Yes.

Bend it over.

Okay.

Like it was in the wind.

Okay.

Now put a raptor tail on it.

What the fuck?

Now she needs 400 gold pieces.

Hold on, that's it.

If I need...

Hold on.

If I...

What?

It's a bent over tree with a raptor tail?

That's it?

You can't miss her.

I can't imagine we would.

Just outside of town, if you give her 400 pieces in my name, I will get the waterfront property.

Okay.

That my wife, Carla, and I, can build a small house.

Okay.

Okay.

For our...

And it's just us.

We can't have kids.

Yeah.

You don't have to keep bringing that up.

Guys, I never say this.

Let's not help him.

Let's not help him.

Let's not help.

What if we didn't help?

I suppose we don't have to.

Should I walk away while you talk about me?

Or do you want me to stay here?

I want you to hear all.

You say that you're not going to help me.

Yeah, I want you to hear it.

I kind of want to meet Marnie.

I don't don't know.

I'm very curious about Marnie.

Arnie.

Chunt, you and I, maybe we should go deliver this gold and meet Marnie.

Yeah.

Oh, also, no offense, but are you related, Eustor?

Here's the thing.

Wait, wait.

I'm so sorry.

Hang on.

Because now I understand how it fills you with rage, how it fills me with rage when someone has almost the same name as me.

So the whole Goosador thing, I get it.

The Marnie thing, because it's filling me with rage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chunt, what do you mean?

Am I related?

Well, Marnie, the bent bent over tree, has a raptor tail, and I know that your cousin is

no, I am not related to Kraptor.

Kraptor is a dinosaur, a shitty dinosaur.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dinosaurs as birds, and it is true that a conspiracy of wind and rain and birds and fire and frogs and deer insisted that a champion come forward into the world, and I did emerge from their request at the behest of the goddesses to defeat all forms of evil.

But I am not related to that fucking dinosaur, Kraptor.

I'm not related to him.

Arnie, I feel like the wizard doth protest too much i don't crapdor can right off i'm not related to marnie i'm not related to crapdor

no okay all right this is what's gonna happen right now all four of us we're walking down to that river we're gonna find marnie come on leave the fucking geese here kick the out the geese

oh you're coming with us come on we're going okay fine come on

wait shut up geese we're leaving we're gonna find marnie we're gonna straighten all this out

of the way hunk honk out of the way honk honk hunk I can't!

I can't move!

I'm gonna talk to this Monty, and I'm gonna prove to you that I am not related to dinosaurs.

You understand that?

If it doesn't work out, and you're looking for a place, if this doesn't work out for me, you need her in your contacts.

She's a great realtor.

Okay, well, that's great, because I don't want to piss off a realtor.

They're one of the worst things to piss off in all food.

All right, here she is out there in the distance.

Okay, uh, hello, friend.

Uh, it is I, Yusudor the Blue, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis.

Are you sure that's her?

Known by the dwarves as Zodenux Danges.

Known by the.

Oh, this one doesn't have a tail.

Yeah,

this one doesn't have a tail.

Hold on.

I'm just talking to a tree.

Okay.

Hold on.

Whoa, boy.

I'm a little turned around here.

Also, guys, I hate to say it.

I noticed when we left the tavern, Hong just started following a shadow by the moonlight.

So.

We need Carla.

We need Carla to get us out of here.

Yeah, we're just on the other side of the tavern.

Okay.

Well, fuck.

Well, I do want to say this.

I've had a lot of fun tonight, but Arnie, I do need to kill you.

No,

sorry, I have to intervene here.

Of course, I can't allow you to kill Arnie.

He's a good friend of mine, and if you try to kill him, I will use all my wizardly prowess to strike you down.

I may say a secret name, which would cause you to erupt in flames, or I may cast a freeze spell at you, or I may just slam my staff down onto the ground, opening the chasm beneath you where you'd fall to a grisly death of fire and brimstone.

Oh, holy shit.

Look, Gusidor's in a bubble up in the air above us.

He's charging up.

Damn it.

He's charging.

Charging up.

Why does he have magic?

He's just a goose with a wizard hat on.

I guess fake it till you make it.

I don't know.

Fucking hell.

Did we pay our tab?

We just...

Oh,

our travel.

It's flowers.

She won't be mad.

It'll be fine.

It's flower.

She will be mad, but she's just always mad.

Yeah, it'll be fine.

She'll hold it over our heads for years.

Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest.

I don't think there's any way you're going to pull off this deal.

Not that you can't get the money.

I just don't think you're going to successfully get this place.

And that's okay.

Here, I have what?

47 gold pieces, which is no small amount.

I'm just going to give it to you.

See what you can do with that eventually, wherever you land.

Absolutely.

And you know what?

Earlier today, not even but an hour ago, I came rushing from work and I got paid today.

So here is 400 gold.

Do

piece that together and do something with it and see if it can make men's meat.

Men's meat.

I'll make men's meat.

Oh, a men's meat panini would be kind of delicious.

It'd be actually amazing panini.

A men's meat panini.

I mean, it spill out after one bite, but yeah.

Delicious.

I'll also, just so I don't feel like a dick, I'll give you, yeah, this is 150 gold.

So you've got.

Oh, I'm good.

I already have 400.

Thank you, though.

All right.

Gentlemen, can I tell you I've had a great time?

Arnie,

look at me.

Yes.

I'm holding both your wrists on purpose.

Yeah, you're very because I was going to kill you tonight.

What, Honk?

But I never believed for a second you were capable of it, but I love you.

I'm glad we got to see you again.

I hope you get away with it.

You will see me again because I'm not an interrupter, but I need to let you know that there are more people out to kill you.

Oh, oh.

Oh, Honk, can these coins we gave you, can they be a down payment on you killing other assassins?

Like, you don't have to go out of your way, but if you come across an assassin that you've heard is trying to kill me, will you kill them?

Down payment.

Arne, it would be my pleasure.

I will let you know that I am not good with money, so I will not be...

I don't know how to keep track of this.

So

if I kill a certain number, I will be asking for more money.

Yeah, that's it.

And you'll say,

we gave you 400.

I will say what I am saying now.

I'm not good with money.

And if you don't pay me, I'll kill you.

Okay, that's fine.

That's fine.

One tip, though, before you kill them, don't give them any of the money.

They won't need it, and then you'll just have less money.

Say that one more time.

Right before you kill them, don't give them any money.

I will.

Don't try to, of course.

Don't give them any of your money.

They won't need it, and then you'll have less money.

And I will slip it in their pockets.

No.

In their cold

cold pockets.

Don't do that.

Why are their pockets cold?

All right, Honk.

Do whatever you want with the money.

If you need more money, I guess just come back to us and shake us down again.

Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest.

Most episodes we end up giving most of our money to whoever's on the show for no reason.

You did give the money out pretty quick.

Yeah.

Honestly, this is less than we usually give.

I give my money for a change.

You can't tell if we're generous or stupid.

I think it's stupid.

I love you.

Me?

Carthy.

Oh, Carla.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, you were talking.

Sorry, we thought you were talking out.

That felt so bad.

We should just go back.

Let's just go back.

Well, I'm going to go this way.

Oh, shit.

He's walking the same direction as us.

Oh, shit.

It's weird.

Well,

let's hang back a little bit, Carla.

Let's give it another space.

Oh, sorry, Honk.

You threw the money.

Here you go.

All right.

See ya.

Gentlemen, until we meet again, Carla, disrobe.

Oh, yeah, we definitely have to go.

I'm worried about Gusidor just charging up in the air like that.

Is he stuck?

Is he over?

Charge?

Chunt, here's your money back.

Sorry.

Are you sure?

Here's your money.

Yes.

Oh, this is actually.

Arnie, I'm keeping your 45, Arnie.

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honk, this is 750.

I gave you 400.

Have a good night.

Okay.

What is going on in his head?

I can't.

I can't put it together.

All I know is, running away from the three main hosts, never a bad idea.

So, wait, my new assistant couldn't stick around long enough to do the outro?

Great.

I guess I'll be the change I want to see in the world and phone them in myself.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Honk the Assassin was played by the budget-friendly version of Josh Brolin.

Special guest Ross Kimball.

Check out Ross's podcasts, The Kent Beagle Mind Summit, and The Most Wonderful Pod of the Year, where he reviews bad Christmas movies and specials with his co-host, Jackie Gonzalez-Dorothy.

Also, you can still see him as one of the jurors in the acclaimed TV show Jury Duty.

If you want a chunch shirt that reads, Honk if you're horny, I know I don't, check out the dashery store.

You'll also find the regular Magic Tavern shirts and the special live shows shirts as well.

Links in the show notes.

Would you prefer to listen to other podcasts?

Did you know that's always been an option?

Friend of the show Joey Bland, who portrays Winky Silks in this our only universe, has a new trivia podcast, Like Minds.

I thought there was a new podcast because just last night one of the evening stars flickered and went out.

Anyway, on a recent episode of this, Matt and Arnie competed against each other.

Find like minds wherever you find any other podcast.

It's not like they created a new internet just for this thing.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, which is an episode-length Craig adventure.

I didn't approve this.

Here's the clip.

There's a present for you under the tree.

I've been waiting many years for you to come and open it.

Okay.

I hope you like it.

All right, I'll just open it now here.

Oh, you is okay if I stay while you open it?

Yeah, I just thought, I mean, it's the gifts.

Usually it's better to.

It's for the person who's giving it, really.

You want to share that moment.

Please open it.

So I'll just.

Oh, and it has my name, which is a little odd, but I'll just open this.

Oh!

A sweater.

Yeah, it's a sweater.

I made it myself, but look under the sweater.

There's a Game Boy color.

Whoa,

this is gonna come in so handy.

This is like the only entertainment here.

This is great.

I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years to give somebody a Game Boy color.

Oh, but I see the only game you have here is that one that requires the light sensor that uses the sunlight, and there's literally no sun here, so I don't know how I would possibly.

I didn't realize that.

I'm so sorry.

That's all right.

I can get some ROMs.

Well, that was about how I thought it would be.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.