Season 5, Ep 67 - Five Finger Wolf Man (w/ Ify Nwadiwe)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And a quick correction to those who have heard me on occasion describe this production as binge-worthy.

I have wrongly been confusing binge with barge, as in the barge that collects all the garbage and then floats far away where we never have to think about it again.

And I maintain this podcast is utterly and completely barge-worthy.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know ten years and four-ish months ago i fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in chicago into the magical fantastical land of foon luckily i'm still getting a wi-fi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the ruffled feather in mcshingleshane forest on the outskirts of hogsface in the magical land of foon and i'm joined as always by my co-host chunt the talking badger bing bong or should i say Ka-Ching-bong?

Kachingbong?

Yeah.

Um, someone's going to be bringing in a little extra gold this week and for several weeks to come.

Oh, has you, Sedora found some gold?

I mean, probably, but no,

I got a job.

You got a job?

Yeah, you know, Arnie, how sometimes, you know, if I'm being an idiot while drunk, you'll say, get a fucking job.

Well, I got a fucking job.

Oh, wow.

Well, congratulations, Chunt.

Although, look, I hate to always make everything about myself, but now I feel like I need to get a job.

If you've got a job, then I'm the layabout.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are the layabout.

Get a fucking job.

Fuck.

Arnie, you should go where I went, which is just a few streets down.

There is an inn run by a Lynx.

Yes.

And he will connect you with other folks, connect you with businesses, with opportunities.

It's pretty cool.

And that Lynx is in with all the business people?

Absolutely.

And just for a small fee, small monthly fee,

you can connect with other people and get a job.

I think it's pretty cool.

Huh.

Is this one of those things where I'm going to interact with the links and then forget about it?

But then every, like, every month I'm going to be getting

messages from the links.

And I'm like, I don't even remember my password.

Why did I ever get involved with this links?

Oh, speaking of, a crow just hit me in the head, has a scroll.

I was searched for by two jobs this week.

Ooh, interesting.

Oh, I get it.

It's a sex thing.

Huh?

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th Rome of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow.

Manipulated a fucking job.

You might get a fucking job.

I have the same job I've always had.

Oh, what's that?

Sorry.

Spells.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Look, look.

I know what you're thinking.

He's never had a job, but I've always had a job.

Have you ever noticed how when people want our money, I just give away all our money, and then I have a lot more money again later?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I do spells and I don't charge a dime for them, but there is a suggested donation

of 25 gold per spell.

Damn a lot of spells because you're always giving out a lot of gold.

Yeah, well, I'm a good, I'm good at magic, and I spells is my job.

Good at magic.

That could be a shirt, Arnie.

Oh, it's been a while.

Speaking of making money, you sidor, should we change your shirt

in our merch store to good at magic?

Or what was it?

I don't even know.

I already forgot what it was.

Good at magic.

Yeah.

G-U-D

at magic.

Hold on hang on.

Look, I think it's implied if you see a picture of me that I'm good at magic.

I'm a great wizard.

Everyone knows this.

It would be sort of redundant, don't you think?

What if we had a question mark at the end?

That I like even less.

All right, just maybe we'll change it, but I'm going to say the new Usador shirt is good at magic.

Question mark.

And we'll have info in the show notes about how you can get that t-shirt for a limited time.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, buddy.

This seat is taken.

Oh, Chunt, this is our guest.

I don't...

It's been a while.

No, if you remember.

Oh, it's so hard to remember how to introduce you, sir, because you've had so many names.

The first time we met you was Five Finger Flint Costoon.

And then it was Five Finger Scoop Poopy.

And that was Five Finger Wolfman.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

It's good to see you, five-finger wolfman.

Yes, how are you doing these days?

Are you still getting them bets in?

You

putting your money where your mouth feels.

Oh, yes,

there's nothing I enjoy more than placing a bet and waiting to see if it comes to fruition or not.

Yes, that's what it's all about, is finding out if it will benefit, pay off, and get you them big butts.

Yeah, oh, yeah, I lose a lot.

Don't worry about it.

So, Wolfman, I was going to say you are one of the most

famous gamblers in Foon, but that's not really true because you are a gambler, but like, what would you, how would you describe your occupation?

You run casinos.

Is there another way to describe what you do?

Well, yes, now I do a lot of wolf services.

Now that, yeah, I've switched it up.

Just to kind of have like a just steady income, you know, because there's a lot of up and downs, a lot of fluctuations.

Some would say it's liquid.

It's a lot of liquid income with

the betting.

So I I went and started my wolf services businesses.

And now

that's kind of like a side

kind of investment.

So gambling isn't necessarily as solid, but as being a werewolf.

So instead of the house always wins, it's the howls always wins?

Yeah, yes, that's that's that's actually uh good.

that's definitely something that was in my merch shop before you told me right now that was my idea thank you

uh uh so uh you said you offer wolf services i assume this is like uh scratching biting uh blowing houses down what are we talking about here oh well there's a lot of things that can happen with wolf services like you know sometimes you know if you got a wolves messing with you as a wear wolf right now can communicate with wolves and something over there i kind of do, you know, do you wheel and deal.

And I make them back off the land, let them know that, you know, this is my territory now.

And then, you know, then

I'm the one kind of holding it down.

Sometimes you're mad at your neighbor and you need them to have less sheep.

I eat them.

I go over there, I eat your neighbor's sheep.

I'll do that.

And notary.

I can always use a notary.

I'll keep that in mind.

Yes, of course.

I did want to check in on Chunt.

Have you become the next future king?

You've betted 33 coin on yourself last we spoke.

This was actually quite a while ago.

Yeah,

yeah, I did.

Okay, you're saying that in a way that implies you might be lying.

The way, like, usually kings are pretty self-assured, and you were very

sneaky, some would say, in how you answered that.

No, no, I wasn't.

and I'm self-insured.

Uh, now, may I intervene?

Usidor, let's let this play out because I've got a side bet that Chunt would eventually lie about being king.

Oh, okay.

But I have to question Arnie.

If he made a bet to be the next future king, isn't that always a possibility, and technically he's won?

Usidor,

yes, don't tell Arnie, but I placed a bet that he would bet on me losing my bet.

I won't say a word, Chuck.

Don't worry.

Oh, my bet that I bet that both of them would bet against each other is going to come through like gangbusters.

Sorry, FF Wolf, we were just kind of doing some table talk here.

So, yes, I

am the future king.

I guess just king now, or I was, so I guess that makes me a past king.

I don't know if that still counts.

Oh, great.

And what were you king of?

Or future king of?

Um,

king of wishful thinking, I want to say.

I was thinking the what are the odds?

I was thinking the exact same thing.

Okay, king of wishful thinking.

I'm writing that down.

Uh, so I'm gonna go meet up with the regional wizard who can connect me with the notaries of different kingdoms and can find out who is currently king of wishful thinking, and they would let me know if you're you're next in line.

And if that is not true, you lose the bet, and your life.

Well, five-figure wolfman, if you don't believe him, he'll get over you.

I know he will.

Oh, look, it's don't look, we don't have to worry about who's believing who when you have facts and wizards.

It's all good, yes.

Good, good.

Let's just pretend your life's not sinking.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Um, yeah.

Uh, go, uh, go check.

Um, thank you so much.

I'll use it or use it all.

Can you talk to to you're a local wizard?

Can you talk to whoever the regional wizard is here?

I'm sort of out on the outs with the wizards.

They aren't, you know, they're all sort of ganging up to be a bunch of evil pricks, and I'm like the one good wizard that's left.

You know what I mean?

What do you mean, the wizard, the regional wizards at lunch?

What do you mean we have to wait?

Oh, we got some betting business over here.

You're lucky that this wolf business is booming, or I'd I'd have your liver.

Oh, uh, Wolfman, Wolfman.

Yes, yes.

There's no need to be concerned.

When the regional wizard is out and unavailable, I often step in as uh uh associate regional wizard.

Oh, is that true?

Yes, so anything you need verified, I can assist thee with.

Oh, then uh, just uh grip onto this uh

chaos soul stone.

Oh, I'd love to.

I can't tell if that's good or bad, Arnie.

Oh,

oh, yeah, oh, yeah, he's definitely the next future king of wishful thinking.

All right, well, that settles it.

All right, so we will pay you out, and your bet was for

let me look in my books here: 33 coins.

Here you go.

All right, so I get my money back.

You get your yeah, you get your money back.

There was no one betting against you, so it was kind of like a flat bet.

No one jumped in on that bet.

That was a bet.

Wait, no one else.

Maybe, Chun, maybe you are the king of wishful thinking.

Now that I think about it.

I grasped the Chaos Soul Zone for that?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I will say,

thank you.

I was really worried that we'd be stuck waiting for the wizard to come back, and I gotta say,

we'll give you a tip for that.

Oh, thank you.

Here's 100 coins.

What the

hell?

What a nice little side hustle this has become.

Well, anything else you need verified, I'll gladly grasp this Chaos Soul Stone again and allow it to eat away part of my soul just to prove a truth.

Yeah, I mean, we don't have to.

The other wizard, you know,

only allows us to do it once a month.

Every person gets one a month because of just how much soul gets eaten.

Right.

You gotta give that time to grow back in.

Yes, of course.

I wouldn't want to do that to your soul.

Thank you.

Five Finger, if I know you, and I think I do, you're not just always about collecting bets.

You've always got some action going for yourself.

Is there any spicy bets you have going out there right now?

Yes, I have quite a few, actually.

But they're not in this town, okay?

They're like two kingdoms over.

I'm stuck in this town because...

Well...

A wolf has reported that one of the townspeople's child has fallen into the well.

And so I am talking to the wolf to communicate that.

And I have to wait till they come back from this well

so that I receive my payment and then I can leave.

But they've been gone for

three weeks.

Wow.

Hmm.

Wolf.

A chunt.

Sorry.

I mean, yikes.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, I would say if you're having trouble contacting wolves,

have you tried howling at the moon?

Yeah, I have.

And, you know, my wolf friends who kind of came over and told me

have been nowhere to be found since then.

How weird.

Have you tried like I don't know eating a grandma and then dressing up in her clothes and waiting in that person's bed for them to come visit class?

That's what I'm trying to get to the new town for.

I'm trying to get there before, you know, the little granddaughter comes.

Gotta get fitted for the outfit.

Gotta lay down, be a little sick.

High finger, I imagine you have to prepare like an actor must prepare to pretend to be a granny.

Yes.

Do you by any chance have your granny costume on you now?

Like,

is the granny in the room?

Oh, yeah.

Check this out.

As you can see, it is a velvet move move.

Oh, okay.

And

yes, and it's done because I want to do a rich granny.

Because if I shoot the granny, who's rich, then the child

will take her in, raise her as my own, and you know, then I can hedge the bets in my favor.

Oh, you know, whenever there's a who knows, some kind of like ball or such, and marry her to a good family.

Huh, so hold on, you're gonna kidnap a child, raise her as your own?

Let's not use the K-word, you know, this kidnap.

I'm not taking her against her will, I'm just coercing her into thinking I'm her grandmother and grandmothering her as my own.

Oh, okay.

It's more like adoption when you think about it.

Exactly, see,

just eating a grandma to do a little adoption.

Yes.

I guess as long as all these bets involve positive things for the child, right?

Yeah, these are just the usual bets that happen for, you know, which

belle will be wed to which family, kind of just some regency bullshit,

you know,

that type of action.

And I'm just gaming the system because I found the hottest grandma who's going to need her.

Because hot grandmas mean hot granddaughters.

Okay,

all the easier to make a good match with.

Understandable.

Yeah, little old lady got mutilated late last night.

Am I right?

Oh, yes, yes.

I mean,

the granddaughter is definitely on the way.

I've already digested, and I gotta get back to.

Oh, shit, you already ate this hot granny.

Yeah, yeah.

We went on a date.

Okay.

Yeah, and it was great.

We were hitting it off, and then, you know,

she had some unsavory things to say about poor people and werewolves.

And I was like, oh,

this is an extra hot grandma.

Hot bad person.

You know it's good.

But still.

Hot grandma.

But

still.

Fucker.

Eat the rich.

Let's take a quick break.

Oh, yeah.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know, we all have people in our lives we go to for advice.

A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

But when it comes to stuff like anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers.

Instead, get guidance from a credentialed therapist online with BetterHelp.

Therapy has been hugely beneficial for me in my life.

It's helped me better understand myself, have better perspective on my problems.

And if you've been thinking about therapy, I encourage you to do so.

And BetterHelp could be a great option.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

And it's completely online.

You can pause your subscription whenever you need to and switch therapists anytime at no extra cost.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash magic.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash magic.

So, five-finger wolfman, now that you're going to be impersonating a granny, are you going to have a new granny name that we should refer to you as?

Uh, yes,

five-finger grandma.

Okay.

Well,

we get five-finger wolf grandma.

Five-finger grandma is my grandmother.

Of course.

Wait, hold on.

Your grandmother is a wolf, also?

Well, you have to be aware of that.

Grandmother is just a grandmother, so she's five-finger grandmother.

Oh, I know.

So I have to be five-finger wolf grandmother to not be confused with my own grandmother.

We knew Five Finger before he became a wolf man.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Back when he was Scoop Poopy.

And we knew him even before that, back when he was five-finger Flint Gustoon.

Yes.

That's right.

Did you ever think about changing five-finger wolfman and just dropping the N so that you would be five-finger wolf ma instead of grandma?

Ooh.

Oh, that that would be great, but I'd need people to know I'm a grandmother, so when I'm uh, you know,

with my granddaughter, you know, at the ball, everything lines up.

What happened to her parents?

Why are you raising this kid?

Where are the parents at?

Why aren't they doing their jobs?

Oh, you know, rich people, they go off off and they abandon their kids.

They're off in smother town.

Terrible.

Left to be raised.

And that is all to say I didn't check.

Okay.

If they get in my way, they will be ate as well.

Eight is enough?

Yeah.

For the rich.

If they come back and attempt to raise this child, you'll devour them, and then you continue to raise the child and assist her along her way in life.

And if you make a little scratch on the side, who gets hurt?

Nobody.

Yes, exactly.

Arnie, in Foon,

a lot of wealthy children,

they will have this magical spell or enchantment around them.

It's called a trust fund.

And what happens is this magical enchantment summons money to them.

And when they turn a certain age, the enchantment breaks, and all the money that the enchantment collected is now theirs to spend.

Oh, interesting.

Wow, yeah.

It's pretty fucked up.

Are these and so these children aren't like well adjusted or anything like that?

No,

a lot of them are pretty wonky.

I would have cast a trust spell for the two of you, my good friends, but I'd have to have started generations ago.

Yeah.

It takes a long time.

Unless you find a new egg.

New eggs, indeed.

Just like in that book you made us read, Arnie.

Yes.

It was the one with the snub-nose motorboat.

Oh, yes.

The guy had a west egg and then

that's right.

The great gatsbeat.

The great gats beat.

Oh, nice.

Should we lend our copy to a Five Finger Wolf Grandma?

Well, yeah, Five Finger.

If you ever, if you want to borrow our copy of the Great Gatsby, you're more than welcome to it.

Yeah, just

you, do you have it with you right now?

Yeah, here.

Okay.

He's devouring that story.

Oh, sorry, I can read really fast now that I'm a wolf.

Oh, what a voracious reader.

But you also, you like your lips move when you're reading really fast.

The sound comes out.

Oh, yeah.

It's because I was licking the pages.

Okay.

Oh,

Fifinger Grandma Wolf.

I want to place a bet.

I want to bet 33 gold

that

you

don't know what the green light means at the end of that book.

Oh.

Well, that was clearly

the

sign of the times.

Damn it.

That could be it.

Shit,

shit.

yeah sign of the times yes here you go

i thought it was related to a spell but that's my own bias i suppose yes look it's it i i feel that way but you know what i i really what i what i love about this novel is it it's taught me about this faraway world of the united states uh

and and and how the 20s was such a great time for its people and and and and and it was full of affluence and

success and

nothing wrong.

Arnie, is that true?

Were your 20s filled with success and affluence and nothing wrong?

It was filled with drinking and fun, I guess.

I don't know if I would say there was a lot of success in my 20s.

And everyone was doing great?

Sure.

Well, I don't know.

All I know is that when I hit my 30s, ooh, things got bad.

Well, luckily, those aren't coming back around, so I think you'll be all alright.

Five finger,

now that you're going to be generously raising this child on this grandmother's behalf,

are you planning to teach it to be more generous with its wealth, to be more altruistic, or are you going to teach her to become a gambler like yourself?

I think I'm going to teach her to find

the richest

mate

and to live in that life of affluence.

Sure.

So that when in stage two of this

whole beat,

I fall ill.

And a mysterious doctor has remedies that seemingly make me better, but cost many, many, many coins.

Ah, I see.

To which you, her grandmother, who she cares for, would give.

And then this mysterious doctor

would make me feel better.

Doctor feel good.

Yes, and then I'll disappear, never to be seen again.

Oh,

okay.

But you could just fake your death if you're a grandmother.

Then you don't get the money, right?

Like, you gotta get it.

Because I'm also playing the role of grandmother and mysterious doctor.

Oh, you're both.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm mysterious because she can't be in the same room with me and the grandma at the same time.

Do you want to workshop that a bit right now, where you switch it between the roles?

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Arnie, you play the daughter.

Okay, sure.

Oh, Grandmama.

Hello?

Oh, um.

You seem so ill, and you've done so much for me my entire life.

Is there anything that can save you?

I have all this wealth I've accumulated from the bow that you hooked me up with.

Yeah, this I've your grandmother believes that you need a

five million coins from

this mysterious doctor.

Oh, grandmother, you've been raising me for decades now, and I appreciate that still with every conversation you say, I'm your grandmother.

Just to remind me.

Everyone, stop right there.

I'm a local constable, and there's been a murder in the drawing room.

Oh, no.

Chun, who do you want to be?

Oh, um, I'll read the stage directions.

Great.

The constable drops his wooden staff.

Oh, my, my wooden staff.

Okay, and then the granddaughter proclaims, Grandma, here's a million gold coins if it's going to save your life.

I'm a little less invested in what's going on with the constable.

Yeah, that's so true, but let's pay attention to the constable.

Maybe he has something good to help me in your

fade to black, intermission.

We return from intermission to an entirely different set.

Let me turn the page here.

The constable is now pacing in his office.

Grandma and granddaughter are nowhere to be found.

The constable does a soliloquy.

Well, I've been investigating this murder for over three days, and so far, no clues have arisen.

But I am suspicious of that grandmother.

Her eyes are too large, and her nose is too large.

His pants fall down, and his wooden staff clatters to the ground.

Suddenly, grandma kicks in the door.

Was it you, Grandma?

Did you commit the murder?

Of course not.

I'm the sweet grandmother.

Look at me and my big teeth.

Fade to black.

Intermission 2.

We return where the granddaughter is sitting on a bed, reading a book to herself.

This great Gatsby is such a good book.

Fade to black.

The end.

Huh.

I'm just saying we never saw the mysterious doctor, which was mostly what we were supposed to be preparing for, right?

I'm so sorry.

Yeah,

you know,

things go different, you know.

Whoa, Pfeiffer, when did you get here?

I thought you left for a while.

Yeah, yeah,

I heard y'all were gonna tell a cool story, and I got involved.

I was like, I gotta see, I gotta see this.

I gotta.

So I am actually gonna leave now.

I'll see you in a second.

Okay.

There's a grandma here now.

Who's this grandma?

It's me, the grandmother.

Oh.

Must be the grandmother, grandmother, because that's how they introduced themselves.

Yes, the grandmother.

We all know me.

I'm so sorry.

We had been led to believe that you were devoured and that you were no longer alive.

How are you feeling?

I feel fine, you know.

I mean, look,

that five finger was right.

I was devoured.

Oh, okay.

Huh.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I'm so distracted by...

I hate to say it.

How hot this grandmother is.

That's a hot grandma, right?

Am I crazy?

So who are these three tall drinks of grog in front of me?

Oh, well, I am Usidor the Blue, the great wizard, and this is my friend Arnie.

He's from another world.

And this is my other friend, Chunt.

He's a badger.

And the king of wishful thinking, Wink Wink.

Ooh, I've heard about this new king of wishful thinking.

Yes.

Oh, a king, the perfect person to marry your very sweet and beautiful granddaughter.

Hmm.

Oh, is that right?

Do you have any hard candy, grandma?

I do right here in between my booster

to keep it warm.

Hmm.

Yummy.

Warm rock hard candy.

Yes, right.

That's what I always say.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Am I about to hit on this grandma?

About to hit about to hit on this grandma?

I think you're in the the middle of it.

I feel like I'm just about to pull the string on, like, you know, really going for it with this grandma.

This seems not shocking to me in any way.

She's a hot hot

hot gadnarian.

That doesn't work.

How would you say hot octogenarian?

Hot kagenarian.

Hot hot kagenarian.

Octogenara hot?

I wish Fifinger was here.

Fifinger's the writer, clearly.

Octagonian.

Octagorgeous?

Oh, that's it.

Octagorgeous, you say.

Well, well, well.

I'm happy to see you all.

Oh, speaking of Wells, Wells, Wells, didn't

um didn't a little girl pull down a well recently?

Oh, oh,

oh, yeah.

Let me,

huh.

Huh.

Hey, what's up, baby?

I'm back.

How great?

How's it going?

Yeah, you know, I was just, um,

that that was the wolves.

It turns out there wasn't a little boy in a well.

That was a trap that the wolves set up.

And they got the family there.

They ate them.

I'm not getting paid by the family.

I am getting paid by the city.

Because you see, I put a bet in that the wolves would eventually get smart enough to come up with some crackpot plan to get the family down to a secluded area to eat them with.

And the city took that bed?

Yeah, yeah, they definitely did.

That's crazy.

The city was like, I love

we gotta get in on this action.

Yeah, yeah, they said it couldn't happen because they knew.

And

looks like knowing doesn't stop much.

Wow.

Five finger, I've got to say, for half a second, I thought you and your grandma was the same person, but you're clearly not.

No, no, no, I was talking about eating her out, and because I did it so well,

she would let me, you know,

extort her granddaughter.

Yeah, she's wow, bitch, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, finger, you're so good at that, the grandmother was like, take my granddaughter and run it.

I really got to think the wolf mouth, you know, the wolf mouth really helps, you know,

because

now, you know, it's a wolf mouth.

All the better to taste you with.

Yeah, see, see, that's that, that's what I would say if I was thinking that 30 seconds ago.

Wow.

Now,

hot grandmother,

is that your name, or should we call you by your given name?

No, my name is Bernice.

Ah, Bernice, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I can't help but notice that you have a little bit of a nosebleed.

Do you need us to call your doctor?

Um,

yeah,

yes, I guess I should.

Um,

mis

mysterious, mysterious doctor, five finger I think name no no that's not me.

Oh no

it is me mysterious doctor is

how are you doing Benice?

I'm always just a call away.

Oh

well welcome mysterious doctor

you're very charming I must say mysterious doctor uh I'll call you MD for short.

I think that's appropriate.

Yes, and indeed indeed

Well, yes,

can I help you with anything?

Well, mysterious doctor, this hot grandmother seems to have some kind of malady.

Bernice, I'm sorry, Bernice, she has a name.

Yes.

We're just not sure, like, what would it cost for you to give Bernice a checkup just to make sure everything was all right?

Ah,

Bernice, open your mouth, please.

Yes.

Huh?

Oh, wow.

I see.

We should take a quick break and find out the results of this examination right after this.

Fade to black.

So, doctor, give it to us straight.

What's your prognosis?

Yes.

Oh, a wolf ate her out.

Yeah, the

dimensions of a wolf's teeth.

You will be chomped a little bit in the process, especially if one's having a good time.

And yes, so she's dealing with some internal bleeding, it seems like.

Okay.

And she just needs rest and a little bit of this tincture I made up.

How much is the tincture?

For you, Bernice.

It is for free.

Thank you.

Oh, I think that doctor's going to try and eat her out.

It was very nice of the doctor to give the tincture for free.

I was sure he was trying to get a lot of money out of it.

Yeah, where did it go?

He just

blinked and he was gone.

He is gone.

It's so mysterious.

I feel like every time, like, I'll be paying attention to the hot grandma and I don't see Five Finger or the Doctor.

And then I'll look at the Doctor and I don't really see

Five Finger or the Grandma.

Like it just feels like the other two are just kind of right out of my periphery.

I don't know what's happening.

It's crazy.

Is it just me or are all three of them, Five Finger, the grandma, Bernice, and the mysterious doctor so charismatic that when they're talking, that's the only thing I'm looking at.

So I'm not even seeing if there's anyone else around.

Yeah, I just have to do it.

Why even bother?

And I do notice every time I turn to focus on a different one of the three people in front of us, characters, if you will, that they're kind of panting out of breath and they have like a wig or a hat or something slightly askew.

Is anyone else noticing that?

I guess so.

It felt rude to point out.

Yeah, almost like someone's running very quickly with like wolf-like speed.

Five figure, now that the family's been devoured and you've won your bet, bet,

what lies in the future for you?

Where are you off to next?

I might uh settle down and marry Bernice.

Oh,

uh, consider going back to my human form.

I mean, it ended up taking like

three days to turn into a wolf, so I just haven't turned back.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.

So, you've been a wolf this whole time for several years.

Yeah, yeah, I've been a wolf this whole time.

You know, had mange,

had to get vaccinated for rabies, you know.

Well, I appreciate that you made the effort of getting vaccinated for rabies, though.

No, of course.

You know, I wouldn't want to pass it on to our friend Chuck to you.

Oh, thank you so much.

No, terrible.

Yes.

Uh, Bernice, how do you feel about getting married here?

Ah,

I think we're moving too fast, uh, Five Finger.

Excuse me?

Yeah,

um,

I thought this was like a casual thing that led to you extorting my grandchild and then I'd get a cut of it, you know.

I didn't know you wanted, you know,

marriage.

Um

well

that hurts

the only

soothing thing

is that I did bet that my heart would get broken.

The household

came in.

Wow.

Wow.

Five finger.

Even while stepping out,

the house always wins.

Cashing in while stepping out, that is.

I want to applaud you.

That was incredible.

Well done.

Well played.

Just hedging all your bets, just such

smart betting, right?

Yes.

Yes, I know.

Yeah.

Are you doing all right, Five Finger?

You seem a little upset.

I mean, obviously.

Yeah, yes, my heart was actually broken.

It wasn't like a play to win.

I hoping to lose that bet.

Oh, Fifinger, I feel so bad for you, but I just want you to know that my job is casting spells.

And one of the spells that people often come to me for is a forgetful spell.

If they fall in love and have their heart broken, they'll come to me

and I will make them forget that they fell in love.

And it doesn't cost a thing.

Here's a donation jar, if you're interested.

Do you want me to donate to you no you don't have to but i can cast a forgetful spell if you want if you want to donate you can

no i think i'm uh

i think i'm gonna hold on to this yeah i'm thinking this is

this has brought something to me yeah

that's beautiful and i've heard tales of

having your memory zapped

running back into the person you got your memory zapped before falling in love with them.

Yeah.

They're dating some weird guy who found where the memory zap, you know, pocket dimension is.

Use that to date.

And now.

Well.

Yeah, I get a lot of repeat customers, if that's what you're asking.

Is it a scam?

No.

For me, it's eternal sunshine.

Finefinger, I appreciate that this heartbreak is now just a part of who you are, and you'll build from here.

Yeah, I'm sure nothing.

Nothing wrong can happen with a

gambling, swindling conman werewolf with a broken heart.

It's broken.

Sorry if that was insensitive.

Five Finger, before we wrap up the episode, would you be all right if I read an email?

Yeah,

go for it.

Yeah, I...

Although, if you're not in an emotional noise, I can handle it.

Okay.

I'll get us a round of drinks.

Arnie, go ahead and read the email.

I'm listening.

I'm listening.

And sorry, you sir, actually, count me out for the drinks.

I actually have to go to my orientation for my new job.

So

your job overlaps with the time we set aside to record the podcast.

It's not like we're getting paid.

Yeah, Arnie, it's not like we're getting paid.

Get a fucking job.

Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.

I have to go.

I got to go to Hogsface.

Bye.

Bye, Fifinger.

Nice to see you again.

Bye.

Bye, guys.

See you.

Watch this.

All right.

Well, let's see here.

I'll read an email.

You know, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

You can also join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and send us a message there.

Here's an email I got a while back, and something that we were talking about this episode reminded me of it.

And here it is.

Dear Usidor, I just watched Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby, a movie version of the book that we all read, and I realized they did not mention or display a snub-nosed motorboat anywhere in the film.

I looked up snub-nosed boats.

They are designed to be very stable when sailing downwind.

Oh!

Why didn't you tell me that years ago?

I've been pondering what could this mean, snub-nosed motorboat.

You see, Five Finger, when I read The Great Gatsby, I got really hung up on page 14 at the mention of snub-nosed motorboats.

And

I didn't know what those were.

So I don't even know if I finished the whole book.

Okay, so they go on.

So they said, like I said before, I looked up snub-nosed boats.

They are designed to be very stable when sailing downwind.

I don't think you would ever put a snub nose on a motorboat because motorboats can go any direction unrelated to the wind.

In lakes, in lakes like where Gatsby lives, the water current will move with the wind.

We know from the last line of the book that we are all like boats against the current, i.e.

boats going upwind on a lake.

So the book is telling us when we meet Gatsby, Gatsby's boat isn't well designed and it won't succeed in a headwind like Gatsby himself won't succeed when he encounters a social headwind.

Your sincerely,

yours sincerely, Kara Donnelly, Doctor of Fluid Dynamics.

You can use my real name for this email.

Kara?

Kara.

Doctor of Fluid Dynamics, please, Dr.

Kara.

Kara Donnelly, Doctor of Fluid Dynamics.

Yeah, Dr.

Kara.

I truly appreciate this interpretation after so many years of having read the book, but

I'm sorry.

I have to go with Five-Finger Wolf Grandma and say that

his interpretation is the best.

It's a sign of...

The green light's a sign of the times.

The sign of the times, that's true.

That's how I see it now.

That's true.

For just a second, Dr.

Cara Donnelly, Doctor of Fluid Dynamics, had convinced me that against all reason, Usidor's obsession with snub-nosed motorboats was somehow a deeply revelatory thing about the book.

But you're right.

I think it's just a sign of the times.

Yeah.

Sign of the times.

So thank you for that, Five Finger.

You've unlocked the mysteries of the book for us at last.

Hey, I'm happy to help you.

Happy to help you at any time.

And we're happy to help you.

Although you are broken of heart right now, know that you are strong of spirit, and I believe that you shall overcome any obstacle placed before thee.

Fivefinger, are there any bets we should make before you go?

Are you a little too heartbroken for to open those books?

I'm always open for bets, even with broken heart.

Even with broken heart.

Five finger, I'm gonna bet 33 gold that you're gonna get over this sooner than you think.

It feels like this feeling is gonna last forever, but you'll be surprised how quickly you feel better.

I take that bet,

and we will see.

And I'm going to place a bet that Chan's new job is some sort of sex work thing.

Oh, yeah.

What are the odds of 10 gold?

Yeah, that's a solid bet.

I think that's a really good bet.

It's a great job.

Thank you.

Really good bet.

He's crying.

He's crying.

Should we console him more?

No, no, let's walk away.

I wonder if this is like changing into a werewolf.

It just takes a really long time.

The howl continued for 35 more minutes.

Do I smell an upcoming Patreon episode?

Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Five-Finger Wolfman was played by special guest Iffy Waddyway.

Ify is the host of Um Actually on Dropout TV.

If you want a Usador shirt that reads good at magic question mark, the question mark is on the shirt, not just me questioning your instinct to want the shirt.

Although that's also happening, check out our dashery store.

Links in the show notes.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Ugh, my new assistant is finally here.

For the record, you're late.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Ah, I had to run from Make Shingle Change Forest.

Mm-hmm.

Good thing my equipment runs on excuses.

Well, now you can finish the credits.

Read the rest of this into that device.

Oh, I have one of those.

Yes, fascinating.

We all have things.

Now read all of this.

It doesn't matter if your brain processes any of it.

Okay, okay.

But hole.

But hole.

I bit a better butthole.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by the supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Want to see the show live?

We have two live shows left, both coming up in September.

September 27th in Charlotte, North Carolina, and September 28th in Richmond, Virginia.

Links for tickets and more information are in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp.

Oh, I know an Arnie Niekamp.

Matt Young and Abdolerfai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Marissa Ewing.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Whew, okay.

I read it all.

How was that?

Wonderful.

My favorite part was that I didn't have to listen to any of it.

See you next week.

A wolf hearts hurts so.

Oh, shit, you saw it.

Is Five Finger still over here crying?

It's been hours.

Or you could say good morning.

Oh,

good morning.

Oh, is Five Finger still here?

Yeah.

Oh.

I wanted to see if I went on my bet.

I placed a bet that Arnie would read an email and say, you're sincerity.

Shit.

I was hoping to cut that out.

I don't know if it paid off or not.

Oh.

Five fingers, you need a drink or something just to rehydrate alone for all these years.

I'm drinking my tears back.

I'm scary.

Stay away.