Season 5, Ep 66 - Windsprinkle Now (w/ Peter Sagal)

Hey there, critters.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

A quick reminder that this coming weekend there are two Magic Tavern live shows, swooping towards you like the twin cyclones somewhere around the halfway mark in Twister.

August 15th in Washington, D.C., and August 17th in Philadelphia.

Link in the show notes for info and tickets.

And while you're pondering whether or not to attend and not fully paying attention to anything else, what a perfect time to sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and three or four months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, on the outskirts of the town of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Hmm, Chunt, please.

How are you doing, bud?

I'm doing good, Ari.

I'm a little worried about Grapes the Goat.

Yeah,

what are you concerned about?

I feel like he's turning kind of purplish, right?

He's going from white to purple.

Am I crazy?

Yeah, I mean, I guess we always say that names have great power, so.

Oh, he's choking.

Sorry.

He's joking.

One second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you say that names have grape power?

Yeah.

Haven't you ever heard the expression with grape power comes grape responsibility?

Oh, tell me more.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know if I'm really up for another Spider-Man origin story.

They do it so many times.

I got it.

He was choking on a fistful of bees.

Sorry, guys.

Pulse alarm.

Why do you keep feeding him bees?

I don't know.

Because he keeps eating them?

Yeah, fair.

Sorry, Arnie.

Every time I shove a fistful of bees in his mouth, he swallows.

Wait, to be fair, he loves honey.

Oh, loves honey.

So why not cut out the middleman?

That's true.

Well, I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Feasius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tropic,

Elves know me as Fian Yalik, the dwarves know me as Zonan and a Hookstenjes, and I'm known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And here, in this tavern, the ruffled feather where ne'er do wells sit in shadows all about me.

I must always have my eyes open, which is why I grew an extra pair out of the back of my head.

See?

Oh,

shit.

Yeah.

Pretty cool, right?

Those are intense eyes, too.

Buddy, they're infected.

Those are deeply deeply infected.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I keep forgetting, and I keep like,

you know, just like wiping my hand back there.

It's like, I don't, I don't always wash my hand.

You got like super pink eye back there in both eyes.

Oh, thank you.

Hmm.

Not a compliment.

Well, those gross eyes aside, guys, I'm so excited to be back in Hogsface.

I know, yes, we're in the outskirts of Hogsface, but, you know, just sort of getting back to our roots.

It's true.

I do wonder, though, what hesitation is this that causes us to wait here and not just to enter Hogsface proper?

Is it fear?

Fear that the denizens of that fair city will ne'er forgive us for the crimes that we did commit when we destroyed this city, though it was in the service of a greater good.

It could be that, but also to be fair, we're getting a little older.

And when you get a little older, maybe you don't live in the center of Hogsface and you tell everybody you're f- you live in hogs face but really you live in one of the sort of outer burrows of hogsface yeah sure yeah i guess that makes sense i live in uh i live in oak some people say that i just live in oak they just live in a big oak tree it's not really in town that then i live in a park i just live in a park just in a any park yeah yeah arnie i did notice in this area that you know obviously we're in the ruffled feather this is presumably the original it's it's where the original stood yeah but i have noticed in this area you know like i'll go out for a walk and i'll see six or seven other ruffled feathers.

Really?

Yeah, I think they're franchising out the ruffled feather.

Oh.

But within the same town?

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

They're Starbucks in it?

What?

Like just having a ruffled feather across the street from a ruffled feather?

Oh, this is like a celestial thing?

Uh,

no, it's a Battlestar Galactica reference.

Artie, tell us about Starbucks.

Please, talk about Earth stuff.

Please, oh, please, Arnie.

Please, please, we're not available for Earth stuff.

Let's talk about Starbucks.

Guys, I'm just excited to be back in Hogsface.

Let's focus on Hogsface.

And you know what?

We're back in town.

We met Flower again last week.

I wonder if there's any other old friends that we'll run into here.

Hey, Usidor.

Yes.

Do you ever feel like Arnie always recaps our life?

Well, I think he's doing that for the listener, but it really fucking irritates me.

Yeah, it's so irritating.

So irritating.

I'll be like, I'll go up to him just to kind of talk to him because he looks sad.

And then he's like, hey, buddy, remember last week when you did this?

And I'm like, yeah, I fucking remember.

It was my life.

What are you talking about?

Right.

And sometimes, like, when we're at dinner, he'll be like, how did you enjoy those steak and potatoes you just ate?

Yeah.

Weren't they cooked to a perfect medium rare?

And you're like, oh, yeah, I just ate the fucking thing.

Who is this for?

And sorry.

And Artie, I'm sorry, you're right there.

Yeah, guys.

Sorry for butting in.

But remember a couple minutes ago when I told you to stop feeding bees to the goat?

Yeah.

No, we're feeding bees to the goat again.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, is it just me?

That rainbow-colored unicorn over there looks very familiar.

It could be any rainbow-colored unicorn.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I mean, to be fair, it does look a little familiar.

You think so?

Oh, he's coming this way.

He's coming this way.

All right, everyone.

Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.

Guys.

Hey!

Hey!

You!

Chuck!

Arnie!

Uzador.

It's good to see you all.

Yes, it's good to see you.

I'm so happy to find you here.

Oh, yeah.

Good to see you, big guy.

Hey, yeah, yeah.

So let me ask,

how are you?

Well, we're very well.

We've been gone on a number of adventures, and no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You probably thought I was like, you know, being polite, which I imagine, let's be honest, would be a bit of a surprise coming from me.

But no.

I'm actually asking.

Oh.

How are you?

Oh,

would anyone like to start?

I mean, I'm kind of always like lowercase D depressed, I guess.

I have a certain amount of anxiety.

Yeah, and I guess I'm a lot of times capital A annoyed with Arnie, but

you know.

Yeah, that's natural.

That's completely natural.

Nothing there to be ashamed of.

Oh, thank you.

And Uzar,

again, I just want you to connect, if you can.

Just how are you?

I...

I seem to have lost my purpose since

there's no reason for me to continue being a wizard since I'm not immortal.

All the wizards have turned against me, and I don't know how to continue fighting evil.

But otherwise great oh sure oh sure yeah yeah we've all been there we we have and I just got to say I'm so glad to find you here I'm gonna be honest I've been looking for you

because

I'm just going to be out with it I think the last time I visited with you oh some years ago a mere you know flash in a moment of time a mere blink of an eye for we unicorns of course but many years I think by your mortal standards I I still think of it and and I'm gonna confess to some shame because I do not think I presented my best self at all.

We get this a lot.

Most of our guests eventually get in contact with us and say

or they're really unhappy with their time they spent with us on the podcast.

Sure.

Yeah.

Or like they said butts or boobs and then that maybe affected their work life and they feel bad about saying butts and boobs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It happens in so many different ways.

You know,

there are more different ways of going astray in this journey than there are colors in my beautiful Maine.

Wow.

Well, and I'm sorry to dwell on this.

And, you know, maybe it's not the best.

Like, if you feel shameful about something, you don't maybe want to like revisit it.

But, like,

what specifically do you feel shame about?

Well,

how best to put it?

Well, let me put it to you guys with the honesty with which I approached it at my first meeting of AA.

Oh.

Asses Anonymous.

Sure.

It was a journey to get there.

Are you sure you want to call it that?

Because again, in three or four years, you might come back and be like, oh, no, no, no.

It was founded by asses, but very quickly

it expanded to all equines.

Wow.

A lot of unicorns there.

I imagine you guys can guess why.

I think it's best to say,

you know, hi.

I'm just going to tell you what happened.

It took a lot for me to get up.

Not so much to stand up because pretty much I'm always standing up.

You're a stand up.

Yeah.

you don't really lay down, right?

No, not much.

Not much.

Just sleep with a little flickering of the eyes.

But to step forward, let's say, to put all four feet forward and to say, hello, everyone.

Oh, you call them feet.

Interesting.

Yeah.

My name is Winsprinkle.

Oh, it's Wincomprint.

And I'm a fucking asshole.

Oh.

And

first of all, the asses in the room, I just want to say right out, completely understood the phrase.

It's idiomatic.

They know that I'm not referring to them.

Right.

And I went on to talk about how I treated people as instruments of my own will and profit, how I treated other people's concerns as far less significant than mine, how I broke the legs of, oh, Lord knows how many other sentient beings in pursuit of profit.

And that really...

I can't tell you what it felt like.

I mean, I think I have really, when you think about it, two birthdays.

The day, of course, my mother fold me and

that day, that day when I started again and tried to make sure that the tracks I leave in this world are more than just a series of hoof prints.

Sure.

Windsprinkle, that is beautiful.

Yeah, Windsprinkle, which obviously we've been calling you the whole time since you came out, that is so beautiful.

And I just want to thank you for sharing that with us.

I think that was really brave of you.

Yeah, well, you know,

let me put it this way.

I came back here to do more than make amends.

Oh.

Although I hope you can forgive me.

Because my own journey has been one of discovery,

renewal, and in many ways,

I'll say shocking revelations.

Oh, that'll be good for the podcast.

About the way things are.

And for me, for me, it started with food.

As you may remember, I was,

I'm going to go out and say it, addicted to oats.

Oh, no.

You may remember.

And it's very common for unicorns, horses, asses, mules

to be eating oats, because that's how we were raised.

We were raised on oats.

We were raised by big oat.

Oh, big oat.

Yeah.

Basically, the corporate interests that are constantly telling us that what we need is oats

rather than the more natural products of the earth.

More natural than oats?

Well, yeah.

yeah, I mean, I mean, Hardy, I mean, okay.

I mean, I don't hold this against you because you're not afraid of the person.

No, no, no, I'm no, I'm not an oat spurt.

No, I mean, just like all of us, you have been subjected to this constant propaganda from

big oat or, you know, the feed conglomerate telling you that these like little flakes are somehow good for you when they're so removed by at least one step.

from their natural state.

Wow.

I'm so sorry.

I'm trying to remember what oat propaganda I've heard.

I feel like most of the time when people refer to oats, they're like, they're fine.

They're like, I was like, well, how do you like those oats?

They're okay.

I mean, have you ever heard the expression, feeling your oats?

Oh,

that was invented by oat propagandists, trying to indicate to you that feeling one's oats meant that you were feeling particularly good.

And now that you mentioned that, I remember my aunt, when I was first born, was always sowing oats.

My first 10 garments were all made of oats that she sowed.

Were they wild oats?

Were you told that one should sow one's wild oats?

Because that's all part of it.

It's all part of it.

I mean, I got to tell you, once you see this for the first time, can't unsee it.

It's everywhere.

Who's that weird guy in town that keeps asking me to show him my oat face?

That's no, that's Annie.

That's something totally different.

Something else?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's understandable because words are hard.

And sometimes, you know, the first time I heard of big oat, I was like, big goat?

No, grapes, grapes.

Lay down.

Not you, grapes.

Yeah, I thought it was big goat.

Is that your goat over there?

Yes, that's grapes.

That's grapes.

I noticed the goat, and I just wanted to

just ascertain who might be responsible for it, but we'll move on.

Oh, by the way, Uzugar, or as the unicorns call you, that guy,

I just want you to know that I have spoken to my...

brethren among the unicorns and we've decided to change your name because I don't think that was kind.

I don't think that was kind.

I think,

Yes, you were constantly trying to pick hairs off our tails, and we don't like that.

And that's still true.

That's still, some things don't change.

That's fair.

I mean, I think there's a basis of reality, and that's part of it.

But at the very least, in kind of recognition of your unique role,

you know, not only in Foon, but in your own journey, we've gone from calling you that guy to that guy.

Oh!

Oh!

What a boon!

Windsprinkle, I've never felt more move it in all my life.

I must thank you and thank all the unicorns of Foon.

Well, I hope, that guy,

that that's just the first step of your own journey.

Because I'm here to bring you guys some really surprising news.

Oh, well, let's incredible.

Incredible.

And before we get that news, let's take a quick break.

And while we're on that break, maybe I'll get some of this unicorn's blood.

With blood?

Now, blood?

No?

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So, Windsprinkled Unicorn, you seem to have been through a lot in the last few years, and you're, you know, you've come to terms with the fact that you're an asshole.

I don't know where in that process you are.

Like, if you're, if you feel like you're more of a recovered asshole or if you're more kind of like a dry asshole.

Oh,

I mean,

let's be honest.

If you're an asshole, you're an asshole.

You could be, as I am, an asshole in recovery, but it's a daily struggle.

As we like to say at the meetings, it's four steps forward, eight steps back.

Of course.

Yeah, if you prolapse as an asshole,

you don't stop, right?

No, it's true.

And that happens a lot.

Constant prolapsing among the community.

But that's just part of the struggle.

Yeah.

You're just like white hooving it.

Yeah, in a weird way.

Just barely holding on.

But we do it with each other's support.

We have a lot of maxims in the movement.

You know, basically, what we like to say is if you keep admiring your own horn, you'll just go cross-eyed.

Right?

Sure.

Wow.

What we're all trying to do is get our face out of the feedback

and face what's real.

Holy shit.

What I have discovered, and this is the good news that I've brought to you.

Okay.

Whenever someone says good news, I'm a little trepidatious of them being perfectly honest.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, I honestly think, I mean, I hope that this

moment is is for you the way that our prior meeting was for me in terms of an inflection point as you move forward.

Because what I have discovered is that we're all sick.

We're all sick.

We're all unhealthy.

We're all just, we're not eating right.

I think we're drinking too much ale.

I think that

our lifestyles are almost designed to hurt us.

And I've been working for some years now with some really influential people, people who are visionaries.

Okay, oh, visionaries who really have shown me the truth.

Are we talking actual visions?

Like they see visions?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, they've described them to me quite vividly.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, Ornie, visionaries are, how do I put this?

They're canaries that have visions.

Oh.

Visionaries.

Yeah.

Not these.

None of these were birds of any kind, but nonetheless.

So what do you eat now?

Do you can't eat oats?

Well, no.

I mean, the whole herbivore thing, I think for us, is a dead end.

Okay.

I mean, I think certainly,

let me put it this way.

If someone says to you, eat grass,

if someone says to you, graze here on the lawn, what are they saying to you?

They're saying, keep your head down.

They're saying, don't look up.

They're saying, stay here within the confines of this pasture.

They're saying, don't look up, don't pay any attention, just constantly be chewing these fibrous roots for supposed nutrition.

So no,

part of my message is I don't think being an herbivore is a future.

I've now, like many of my fellows in the movement, become a carnivore.

Whoa.

Wow.

I didn't expect that.

Yeah.

It's difficult because I don't have the appropriate teeth or digestive tract.

But I think that too is just a part of our programming that we have been subjected to, and we just have to find our way out of it.

And eventually, I feel if I continue eating animals, particularly the live struggling ones that provide the best benefit, I will eventually develop incisors.

And perhaps, and this is a hope, I'm just going to confess it to you because we're friends.

Okay.

I hope that someday I will poop again.

Yeah, we all hope that.

So when you said you were a part of a new movement.

Yes, yes.

The movement, it's kind of a new reality, if you will.

It's kind of a group raising of consciousness.

Not so much that there's any leaders per se.

We're just a lot of people spreading the good news, a message of diet and health and approach to living, of good thinking.

And it basically comes under a label that we like to think of as Make Foon Healthy Again.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Or umpha.

Mumpha.

Umfa.

And I have to say that me and all the infas out there are.

We think that we have good news for everybody, and we think that we can break this vicious cycle that's really been dominant in Foon for lo these many eons of conflict and battle and yeah now Windsprinkle I have noticed I didn't notice this before like because you have such a colorful coat of all these different colors and I didn't realize

oh sorry go ahead I didn't realize all the sort of red on your snout that's not your hair

oh no no no that's blood yeah that's blood because we believe that another thing that we've all been shall we say manipulated into believing is regular cleaning I don't think that's wise.

I think that as you move through life, you accumulate experiences, which leads to wisdom.

You wouldn't want that removed on a regular basis every night, say before bed.

Why is that not the same of your physical reality, the layers that accrue to your body, be it dirt, be it blood, be it other bodily fluids that surprisingly spurt out of the small animals that you are chewing.

Now, I think we all agree that the way to learn is by asking questions, right?

Just asking questions.

I mean, I'm constantly in an inquisitive mood.

Questioning things, right?

Yeah, you're just questioning things.

I mean, I basically am like, you know, think of my horn now as a pointer.

What's that?

What's that?

What's there for me to learn?

Where is my horn leading me?

If my horn is pointing me where I've already been, it's on my wrong end.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have the horn on the wrong end.

No.

So then my question is,

my non-confrontational question.

No.

Oh, you were just about to ask a question.

Arnie, he's learning.

My question is,

do you see any sort of hypocrisy in not running your assurance business where you broke people's legs?

Oh, oh, gosh.

Versus

eating animals.

Like, they're both sort of violent acts, I'm just saying.

I can't tell you, that guy what it was like to finally put that rat race behind.

Sure.

When I look back at that part of my life, I have to laugh.

What was I thinking?

Yes.

Yes, I was offering people protection in case their leg happened to get broken.

A fatal injury, of course.

And putting that behind me, all those dead creatures of every variety, was just another step for me on the way to where I am now.

And where I am now is where I need to be.

Now, I do want to say that I kept the money because okay I mean you know

you already had it I had it and you know once you have it I mean what else can you do with it I think anything of value you know it is a value in and of itself and the question is what do you what use are you going to put to that so I've been using my funds to spread my message of making foon healthy again to try to get people to turn just to think about what they're eating what they're doing what things they're putting in their bodies and and maybe you know if we're lucky connecting them to you know some of the some not all by any means but some of the more interesting things that spin tax has had to say about these things.

Spin tax?

Oh no.

Yeah.

No, no, I mean yes.

Okay.

I know that everybody's got this thing about spin tax, you know, like, oh, spin tax is evil.

Spin tax wants to run the world.

Spin tax.

Absolutely.

He does want to run all the food.

Well,

be that as it may.

I mean, think of it's been spin.

And I've spent some quality time with Spintax.

Yeah, so have I.

And, oh, good, then you probably see what I mean.

And I think when you get him face to face, away from, you know, the lights of the candles and stuff, he's just another wizard who just wants what's best for all of us.

All right.

Yeah.

And he's starting with himself.

I have to back you up here.

Yeah.

Rin Spiekel's right.

When you get Spintax away from all those candles, he has like a billion candelabras.

It looks nuts.

Sure.

It looks crazy.

And I I do want to say it's a little warm.

It's a little warm.

If you're covered entirely with fur.

Oh, boy.

Too many candelabras.

It's weird.

Sorry, I interrupted.

I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm just a little worried.

Winsprinkle, like, look,

you're an old friend, and I appreciate that you're sort of trying to be healthy.

I'm a little skeptical about some of it, but you're aligning with Spintax.

I'm just not sure that I'm RFOK with all of this.

Well, I think, you know, the question is, Arnie, are you okay

with you?

Wow.

Shit, he's right.

Oh no.

I mean, that's the question.

I mean, fine, I'll bear your judgment.

I deserve it, you know.

But I really think the question that I and Spintax want everybody to consider is, where are you?

Are you where you are supposed to be?

Are you eating the living creatures that you are supposed to be eating?

As we, I think, were designed.

to eat.

I mean, you definitely weren't designed to eat living creatures.

You even said your teeth are wrong for it.

Yeah, that, that, I mean, I think that's true, but I think in a weird way, I think that's just another sign of how far from the path we've fallen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I also noticed Windsprinkle.

I'm so sorry to bring this up.

Sure.

I feel like, and I don't want to sound like I was looking, but it looks like there's like half of an undigested squirrel coming out of your butthole right now.

Really?

Yeah.

Hold on, let me take a look.

I can't catch it.

Let me take a look.

Let me.

Let me take a look.

Did they have a mirror?

He's knocking over so many chairs.

I can't, I think I need two mirrors.

Give me a mirror.

Yeah, we need two mirrors.

Listen, can anybody do an etching?

Can anybody back there just do a quick etching of some kind?

A charcoal drawing?

Oh, I thought this day would never come.

Go for it, son.

Let me.

Ah.

Okay, let me set up with Kane.

Let's get some candlelight right on the.

Okay, all right.

Now that's the right amount of candle obras.

There we go.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

Weird.

Voila.

Wow.

Wow, yeah, that, I guess that would be.

Yeah.

It's kind of remarkable that it made it that far, but I think, I think even that, I mean, with the right attitude, even this is a sign of positivity.

Because I am so clear,

if you will, I will.

That this animal or the remains thereof was able to pass through me with hardly any effect, except well, to that half.

So, in your system,

Arnie, who is intended to be a carnivore, would he continue to eat meat, or would he, he like eat rocks now or something?

Ooh, more questions.

No, I mean, I think that,

sorry, as a lifelong carnivore, you'd know this, that we're not merely ingesting, you know, nutrients, but we're, I mean,

it's the veritable life force.

The life from the food passes from the food to us.

And if you think about it, and I hope you all are now, trying to.

What has more life?

Really?

Just compare it.

Just a handful of processed oats.

Yeah.

Just, you know, just sitting there, just not moving, smelling

great, and just with that amazing kind of crunchy texture, just sitting there waiting for you to eat it.

Or, or

something screaming for its life as it tries to flee.

That's where the energy is.

That's what Spintax has to tell us.

Am I allowed to eat?

Because look, here, I am a carnivore.

Am I allowed to eat it?

And I envy you, and I admire you for that.

No, thank you.

I admire you for that.

Am I allowed to eat it properly prepared?

Like, you know, like cooked to a safe temperature

versus just sort of sawing off its head and having it.

Yeah, to take this creature, for example, and subject it to flames until it's screaming in agony?

Well, of course.

Of course.

I think that really brings forth the vibrancy.

I mean, I prefer that it was...

Look, I'm going to be honest.

I'd be lying if I said that I fully knew how the process happened before it came to me, but I would hope that it was actually killed in a humane way or maybe doesn't even realize it's being killed.

Oh, Arnie, it's human.

It's pronounced human.

Yeah.

And when you think about it, and we've learned this from the humans, you guys like things to be screaming.

Can I just say,

Windsprinkle, I, and I've known your name the whole time, one,

you're not providing any science, any spreadsheets or facts, but my gut just says what you're saying is right.

And I know, I know everyone, we all know Spintax is on Elfstein's float logs.

We all know that.

But the fact that you say you trust him when you've spent face-to-face time with him, that makes me want to trust him.

Yeah, I mean, I think, and I only wish this was possible because, you know,

the Spintax that you hear about from the heralds or the refugees fleeing from the latest place that his forces have destroyed, that's all distorted.

Yeah.

That's all biased.

That's all brought to you by an agenda.

For example, the agenda of people who are terrified he will find them and kill them.

Okay.

Sort of an agenda.

And if you get beyond that, if you just talk to the guy, the wizard, you know, one, just horse to wizard, just one enormous nose facing a relatively normal one, you see

he's just a guy.

Just a guy trying to make his way in the world, you know, who does what he has to do, who gets up in the morning, puts on his robe, you know, over his head,

you know, just one head holding one body at a time.

Right.

Right.

And then goes and does what he can.

But I think somebody.

So you've watched him get dressed in the morning is what you're suggesting?

Well, I mean,

you know, I mean.

I mean, I don't want to pry into your personal life.

I'm just going to say he's a very, very busy man, as you know.

Deadness.

Running and expanding his dark empire.

And if you're going to spend time with him, it's got to be during the off hours.

I'll just leave it there.

I have known Spintax for a a very long time, and we've been rivals, we've been friends, we've been frenemies,

we've been thrupple,

we've been just about everything you can imagine.

Radio hosts.

That's right.

All of it.

And

what I would have to say is

he's completely full of shit.

Well, yeah.

As am I.

I mean, Spintax is on the Mafa diet and has been for years.

And I don't think, my gosh, I mean, I haven't pooped in months I don't think he's pooped in a century that may explain I'm just gonna say and I say this with all compassion for him that may explain his mood yeah definitely explains his voice wow I find that really refreshing you wait Chunt you find that refreshing I find that really refreshing you do yeah Chuck can I talk to you for just a second yeah of course come on you want to talk about Elfstein's float walks I

everyone seems to be avoiding it I definitely don't want to talk about that

what I have to say is I'm concerned that perhaps Windsprinkle has fallen into sort of a

kind of a cult the cult of spintax you know like he makes all these promises and it seems like it's gonna be good and then if you're a certain uh persuasion perhaps you're more likely to fall under his sway gotcha well and the second thing is i wanted to bring up was do you notice how ani keeps pausing after the word old he keeps saying like do you want to be my old

friend and I'm like why doesn't he just say old friend yeah that is weird driving me nuts anyway Look, John, I'm just, look, you're very good-natured and well-meaning, but impressionable.

You're kind of the Theo Von of this group.

So just don't get

totally suckered in with this stuff.

Speaking of, did I ever tell you the one time my cousin flew to the moon and then did a backflip and joined with a bird, became a bird, laid 20 eggs?

And that's all true.

That's real.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, guys.

I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm sorry.

Whose goat is that?

Oh, that's my goat.

That's your goat.

Okay.

Because I'm just, I have to say, I'm feeling a little peckish, and I was wondering if you would mind

if I were to devour it right now.

I don't know if that's the best idea.

Oh, that goat.

Were you going to devour it?

No, no, no, no, no.

That goat's name is Grape, and he's a little dried out.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what's a dried-out grape called?

You know, and I know you have a thing with

that.

That.

I can't, again, I don't blame you.

I don't blame you.

You guys,

of course, of course, you're so wonderful.

You're thinking of the old windsprinkle.

But no, I haven't had a problem with raisins for I don't know how long.

It's just really a matter of

willpower.

Yeah.

Of understanding that I control myself.

The raisins do not control me.

Okay.

And I'm sure if I ever were to encounter an actual raisin, I'm sure it would be fine.

Oh, and I guess it's just his name.

Yeah.

Oh, raisin.

I can say Raisin all day.

Oh, we're raising hell.

We're raising the barn door after the horses have left.

You know, that's a little bit.

Indeed.

Shut up.

Can Windsprinkle eat your goat?

At first, I was opposed to it, but the fact that he's not letting Raisins control him and the fact that he didn't blame you, Yusador, I find that really refreshing.

Why was I ever going to be blamed?

I didn't do anything.

And I do, I think I'm going to grab this candle here, and I think I'm going to kind of stick that candle on my forehead to sort of, you know, be in be in unison to support Windsprinkle here with your beautiful horn.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's

a cruel parody, but I'll take it in the spirit in which it is offered, which is not that.

Wow, taking it in spirit.

I find that really refreshing.

You find everything refreshing.

I mean, sometimes it's so valuable just to compare yourself to where you were.

I sit here and I'm like, I'm in this room with the old Windsprinkle, and I think the old Windsprinkle

would have gored you in the throat.

Yeah, eat my goat.

Eat my goat.

In such a way that you'd be gargling to death in your own blood.

But that's not who I am anymore.

Yeah.

That's just not.

Eat my goat.

This is what I voted for.

Eat my goat.

Thank you.

Okay.

Let's take a quick break while Windsprinkle eats a grape.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

Oh, God, this is so gross.

Yeah, sorry listeners.

During the break,

Windsprinkles really, really been trying to eat this goat.

And

grapes is sort of standing there.

This is so good.

Oh, yeah.

I can, I can.

Wind sprinkle.

I can.

The way it slimes.

Oh, my...

Oh, it's great.

So good.

I can feel the essence drip.

I mean, listeners didn't hear during the break, but there's a lot more throwing up in this process than I would have guessed.

Yeah.

Yeah, that, I mean, again, you know, one swallow forward,

two swallows back out.

That's another thing we tend to say.

But again, it's been so long, as Spintex says, since we've lived the way we should.

That getting back to that is just going to be a struggle.

And

sometimes we just have to endure some pain before, you know, things get better again.

Winsprinkle, I'm usually not one to kind of like try to give people advice on eating healthy.

Lord knows

not.

But are you sure you're okay?

I didn't notice it at first, but there seem to be like worms and maggots like streaming out of your ears.

Like what?

What Spintax says, as well as many of my friends in the Muffa movement, is that's just a sign of abundant life.

Okay, but do you know what Spintax has also done since he's become a wizard warlord?

Is he's also tried to fire all the veterinarians.

All the veterinarians who actually know what they're talking about.

Oh, that was my idea.

Come on.

Come on.

I mean, you know, yeah, like, come on.

Like, some human person is going to know what's best for me, a mystical horse-like creature.

They devoted their whole lives to taking care of you.

Oh, no.

Come on.

I mean, you know, they were in the pocket of, like, you know, big oats.

Yeah, the big oats.

I mean, they're constantly forcing oats, de-wormers, grooming

hairbrushes on us for their own profit.

For their own profit.

I mean, let me put it this way.

Let me put it this way.

How come

every single authority, I say that in quotes, and if I had hands, I would be making those quote marks

in the air.

It's fun that you tried, though.

I find that you're a little bit more.

And I did stumble a bit, especially with all the blood on the floor.

I should have anticipated that before I reared back up.

But okay.

The way you shook your mane, I kind of got it.

Okay.

All right.

If you take all those authorities, air quotes, quotes, why does every, every single one of them say that horses should eat oats and other grasses?

I mean, how could that be?

Because there's no dissent?

No, because.

Is there no contrary point of view?

Has it ever been debated?

Where are the studies?

I don't think so.

I mean, you have to ask, if everybody agrees on something, then somebody's behind it.

Right.

But then there has to be some force.

Maybe it's just the fount of collective knowledge over centuries.

That have allowed us to build a society.

Yeah, no.

No, I mean, let me put it this way.

Let me put it this way.

If that were the case, if this collective wisdom had made us all so healthy, then why are you three such absolute loathsome little gits?

Oh, now, come on.

I find that you're not.

No, I mean that lovingly.

I mean that lovingly, but let's be honest with you.

I mean, look, a broken clock is right once a day.

At least.

Twice a day.

Yes, in military time.

Yeah.

Look, look, I normally wouldn't do this when Spring.

I normally wouldn't do this because this is not the kind of thing I do because you're struggling with oats, but I have a big bowl of oats here

for me.

I'm going to eat these oats.

They're so...

Arnie, can I have some of your dried oats?

Sure.

Yeah, these are really good.

Let me, just, I, not that I'm tempted, but I'm just curious when you, when you eat those oats,

do you like to have a little water with them?

Is that a thing?

Oh, yeah.

I need some water.

We love to have a little water.

Yeah.

And when you eat the oats and you have a little sip of water, does the water sometimes catch a little oat or two or three that may have been caught in your broad plant-grinding teeth?

Kind of helps.

And it's just like a little extra special surprise that you didn't expect that you'd get and you get it and you just have a little spark of joy.

Does that happen to you when you eat oats?

Oh, I can't tell if Windsprinkle is drooling and salivating or if those are more worms and maggots.

Oh, yeah,

both, I think.

No.

Yeah, well, you know, that was...

That was then.

This is now.

And the now, the now is devoted to making Foon healthy again, and it's not gonna come from that bag of oats.

No.

Well, I am sorry that we tempted you with oats and water, but you know, today's a special day, so I thought I'd just try to eat this apple hole.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

God, I, oh, man, I.

I used to eat apples.

I was, I was helpless in the face of my addiction to apples and other ripe, firm fruits, the ones that really

give your teeth a workout.

But no, no, no, no.

Unrelated to that, I have this big bowl of sugar cubes that I really do eat all the time.

And I have extra apple.

Actually, Actually,

I

look,

you know what?

I have got places to be.

I am out there spreading the message, and I'm going to do you a favor.

I'm going to do you a favor because I think one of the things I've learned is just as I was back then, I needed a strong kick in the head.

I think that you guys need someone to show you a way to go.

So I'm just going to take that apple and I'll just

throw sugarcane in my mouth.

And oh, the oats.

No, yeah, dude, you don't want no.

Yeah, we don't need those.

Stop eating this.

Stop eating those things.

Eat them.

Didn't eat them.

Nope.

In my mouth.

In my capacious cheeks.

And as soon as I'm

as soon as I am out of here onto my next journey of expiation, I will absolutely spit them out.

Good.

I swallow them.

I'm sorry.

Again,

what did I say?

Two steps forward, four steps back.

This is an important moment for me.

That's refreshing.

I slipped.

I fell.

But you know what?

I did it with friends.

Wow.

Who in their own way kind of enabled me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

I don't feel great about how this worked out.

Kind of sabotaged me now that I'm thinking of this.

In some ways, it feels like engaging with you a little bit, trying to sincerely engage with your platform is a little bit lose-lose.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before I go, guys,

let me ask you a question.

And, you know, I'm concerned with your health.

That's my thing now.

Shaw health all day.

Have you considered, any of you, what would happen to you or your loved ones if your leg was broken?

Oh, fuck.

Because it happens.

It happens, especially with the poor diets that we've all been manipulated and eating.

Sometimes your legs just snap.

Sometimes.

It'll happen, God, when you least expect it.

Like, you know, when you're walking alone, a dark alley or when you're alone in your home and you haven't remembered to lock the doors and windows.

It can happen to you.

It can happen.

Windsprinkle, you don't need to completely revert to this sort of behavior.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is all just out of

the way.

Theoretical.

I understand.

And you're concerned.

And yes, yes, yes.

You know, but I do want to say, I don't break legs anymore.

I just don't know.

Sorry,

that was the old me.

That's not the new me.

I'm not that unicorn anymore.

But it's still true.

Some legs deserve to get broken.

I'm not going to do it.

Not going to do it.

Not me.

Not now.

Not who I am.

No.

The new road I'm on just goes right past those little off-ramps, those little side roads to leg breaking.

But sometimes I pass by.

Lucky me, I rarely walk anywhere.

Yeah.

Well, I would say keep that up.

Arnie.

Just stick to that.

And here, let me leave you guys some literature.

Okay.

Ooh, I love to read.

I think it's important.

You can,

you always know how to reach me via Wi-Fi.

Yeah.

Just give a Winnie.

He'll come.

I've all signed you up for my Wii Fi newsletters.

Just so he'll be coming by with information, newsletters, important offers.

Fine.

You know, we have a wonderful supply of small struggling vermin.

How did I get on this?

Just the finest.

Just the finest.

I mean, just because we were concerned there wasn't a good you know supply of vermin so we wanted to fill that need.

Wait, this is all just an excuse to sell me vermin supplements?

No, but no.

No.

I mean there's so much more to it.

No purchase is necessary

but we think Spintax and all the rest of us think that an important supply of carefully inspected highest quality vermin from from the finest suppliers, inspected and guaranteed by us, is just better for you.

And you know, let me put it this way.

You may not be eating the finest vermin.

Maybe you've shied away from the price, right?

But

you know that your competitor out there, they're eating that vermin.

Yeah.

Vermin is a bit of a cure-all.

I know we mostly give it to horses and unicorns, no offense, but vermin should be over-the-counter, right?

We should be buying vermin over the counter.

Well, yeah, I do think that I think that, again, Big Oat and the veterinary cartel is preventing people from acquiring these things from honest merchants like myself and Spintax.

All right.

All right, Windsprinkle.

That's enough.

I've had it with your chicanery and your

montebank,

you charlatan.

I've had enough.

I won't buy your vermin.

I won't buy your blood-eating animals who should be vegetarians.

Nonsense.

Not a second longer.

Nay.

Nay.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

Don't say that to me.

Of course.

Oh.

I'm...

Hang on a second.

So sorry.

It sucks when you lose your height.

I'm going to hit you.

You know, guys, hang on.

I just need to count to 10 with my hoof.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

You just didn't know.

You didn't know

what you said.

Let me just say, don't say that.

Yeah, nay is for horse.

Around less enlightened unicorns.

I'm spelling it a totally different way.

Just take care.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

So check yourself, is what I'm saying.

Yes, yes.

Check my privilege.

It's been a pleasure, and I will always look back on you guys as dear friends, people who helped show me the way that you guys, in many ways, were the first step that took me on the road to the blood-spattered,

incredibly constipated, but very happy unicorn that I am today.

I don't put that on us.

Thank you.

I'm so glad we could help.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's something we can hang our hat on or candle on.

Do you have any more oats?

I just want to make sure that they're not here to.

You're confiscating our oats?

Well, I just want to make sure that they're not here to cause any change.

No, no, that's fine.

That's fine.

No, we got a couple saddlebags.

I mean, I think Flower, who runs this tavern, has about 10 bags of oats out back.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, well, no wonder everyone around here is so obviously ill.

I'll go talk to him about that.

See if I can bring him around and see if he has any

small animals as well.

Because

that goat was great, but

I do eat like a horse.

Yeah.

Even though I'm not one.

And maybe I'm feeling still a little peckish for animals.

Meat.

Yeah, yeah.

Just flour.

She's right over there.

She's the little flower on the bar.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Take care, guys.

You too.

Thank you.

You too.

Be healthy.

Thank you.

Arnie, I have to go through this unicorn vomit and see if I can find any unicorn blood.

I'll be right back.

Arnie, I can't believe he ate like 1% of grapes.

Yeah.

Yeah, like grapes is fine.

I mean, yeah, grapes is still alive.

Just like...

I'm just

confused.

Yeah, he's not too badly hurt.

Also, I've never seen a unicorn in blue jeans before, and they were so tight.

I mean, you could see see his thigh veins.

Like, that is so wild.

Sort of tapered off towards the hoof.

I've never seen someone so healthy, they looked unhealthy.

Are we talking about the blue jeans now?

That was crazy, right?

That was insane.

Yeah.

It made you realize how naked they were on the top.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's kind of jacked on top.

Yeah.

Let's see what the literature is here.

Sort of good.

All right, this first pamphlet is called My Wife is Funny and I'm Insane.

Interesting.

Okay.

Guess we'll give that a read later.

Did we all get the same one or what do we got?

Oh, mine's just about crypto.

Superman's dog?

Yeah.

I need that one.

For lavish, detailed illustrations of jacked unicorns.

I don't know, just open any internet browser and point it anywhere?

One of the only good things to come out of the internet is unicorn.

And yes, I'm aware this non-podcast is on the internet.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Windsprinkle the Unicorn was played by special guest Peter Sagal.

Peter is the host of NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and author of The Book of Vice and The Incomplete Book of Running.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus, where Arnie and Matt grill Adel about what tabs he has open on his computer.

Apparently, it's called Talking Tabs 2, Yabba Taba 2.

That must be a riff on something.

Fun.

But Arnie, dear boy, this is not figuring out files.

I mean,

that said, before we get to the house.

We can keep it going.

Before we leave figuring out files.

Or hunting homescrews.

I, years,

like maybe 10, 15 years ago at work i had a co-worker who had a like fully like crazy home screen of just files on their screen and i think as a prank at some point someone took a screenshot made that their background and then put some files on top of it where they were supposed to go and some of them there was nothing there but the picture made it look like there was those files that's incredible he could click and open some files, but some things, if he was clicking on them, they weren't actually there.

It was really funny.

That's an amazing prank because that would take me so long to figure out where I'd be like, what is going?

What is happening?

That rules.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekam, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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