Season 5, Ep 65 - Tom the Memory (w/Steve Waltien live from NYC)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

It gets worse.

This episode was recorded at the City Winery in New York City on July 20th.

So you'll have the privilege of hearing an audience realize in real time that this isn't a live taping of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

But Steve Walteen is in this one, which might just be the hook to keep you listening, or the final death knell to make you finally return to physical media.

You'll never guess which one I'm rooting for.

Now sit back and endure.

Sorry, enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Nikam.

If you've never listened to the podcast before,

let's dig into that a little bit.

By like a half-hearted woo sound,

if you have

never listened to a second of Hello from the Magic Tavern, maybe you were dragged here by a loved one.

Maybe

you were

just near City Winery and

ducked your head in.

So if you have never listened to a second of the podcast, make some noise.

All right, even right up front.

All right.

If you've listened maybe too much,

make some noise.

I was going to say I love you all equally, but actually that's not true.

That's not true.

But I am open to loving you all in the same way.

Yeah, it's a two-way street.

Because some of, you know, the people who have never listened to any of this might walk away from this being like, that was the right amount.

But for those of you unfamiliar with the story, this is truly everything you need to know.

10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, against all reason, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast from the magical land of Foon.

And we've traveled a little bit in the

show.

Mostly we've hung out in two or three different taverns, the Vermilion Minotaur, The Ruffled Feather,

The Strange Familiar, The Wanderlost.

Thank you.

Please, to a respectable degree, Feel free to just subtly let me in on canonical things I've forgotten.

Like, don't go crazy with it.

That was the right amount of kind of like, no wander lost.

That said, tonight we are in a tavern we've never been in before.

And I've heard it has a strange name, but I don't know what that name is.

It's the something.

I'm going to go ahead and ask this person who has never heard the show before,

what is the name of this tavern?

The

flogging pig.

Are you sure you've never heard of this show before?

Because that sounds really right.

So tonight,

I'm recording from The Flogging Pig, where we all are together.

And with me, my co-host, my good bud, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Oh,

yeah, babies!

Are there any babies here tonight?

Just one?

Sorry, I'm running a little late, Arnie.

I was flogging my pig.

Oh.

Is that the name?

The flogging.

We are at the tavern, the flogging pig.

Of course, I carry this with me wherever I go.

Sure, of course.

You stole this sign from the Vermilion Minotaur, and wherever you go, you put it up.

That's right.

So you ask people

who hears a baby?

Yeah, it's always nice to just check a crowd to see who a baby is.

You know.

I'm sure it's subjective, but in your opinion, what makes someone a baby?

and not a baby?

What were the two options?

Baby or

two baby or not too baby?

That's the question.

Yeah, I think a baby,

a baby, is

like a newborn creature or human.

Typically, they shit and piss all over the place.

Sure, sure.

They need help being fed.

They can't speak.

Yeah, yeah.

They're not ambulatory.

And a baby

is all those things

still but they love chucked oh and they could be any age they could be they could be grown adults who shouldn't piss all over the place oh sure and who need help being fed

it gets kinky sure yeah so we have some number of incontinent guests in the tavern tonight is what you're saying I think uh yeah I think that's fair to say.

Can I ask, what's the difference between an Arnie and an Arnie?

Hmm.

That's a good question.

I think an Arnie is, you know, probably from the Midwest, you know, has a unique enough name that they're annoyed if they run into someone else that has the same name.

Sure.

What about same shirt?

Same shirt.

Yeah, are you annoyed if you see someone in a punch?

Looking around the tavern, have I become a bit of a trendsetter in the world of Foon?

Because pink has really,

has really become more of a popular color.

I'm definitely seeing some pink and, if I'm being honest pink adjacent polos in the crowd pink polo club people are joining.

Yeah, the pink polo club.

Yeah, you want to sing a little song?

Uh no

oh and Arnie I forgot to mention my cousins here.

Yeah, there's okay.

Here's my question.

I you know looking near the front I was like is that a badger or the sort of darker interpretation is that someone has decapitated a badger

and is wearing their head.

Uh-oh, they're pulling their hood over their badger head to hide all evidence of their crimes.

Oh, my cousin Glenn.

Oh no.

I haven't heard from him in a dog's age.

Which in Funa Dog's age is 12.

Where's Usidor?

Oh!

Yes, I am also joined.

I always forget he exists.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I

am Usidor,

wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delight,

devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Traucas.

The elves know me as Fian Yalak.

The dwarves know me as Jonan and Hookstenjes.

And I am known throughout the northeast as Gaswanius Maestar.

And I have been today

to the fog and pig.

To the frog and pig.

Before I came here, to the correct tavern.

The flogging pig?

Flogging.

Is that the tavern?

The flogging pig?

So the fog and pig is a chain.

The flogging pig.

The flogging pig.

Yes.

Jesus.

Gross.

Also, before we get past it, I don't know this for certain, but I feel like this is probably not the first time a bunch of people have yelled Hooba stank in this room.

You store.

I don't want to panic anyone.

What?

Do the stars seem lower than...

Obviously, this is an open-air tavern, which I appreciate.

Do the stars seem a little lower than usual?

Yes, this is a thing I've been working on where I've been trying to bring the stars closer to Foon.

So I cast a spell.

I said, twinkle, twinkle, little star.

You are far away, far too far.

Come closer here now to Foon and over all of us with your star power loom.

So if they get any closer, they'll probably like burn us right up.

Huh.

Arnie, don't you always say that you're trying to bring star power closer to Foon?

Yes.

I'm just, I mean, look, I can only bring so much star power myself.

I'm from another world, so that makes me kind of interesting.

Yeah.

But I don't know, like, who are some of the biggest stars in Foon that we should get on the podcast?

Ooh, that's a great question.

Usidor is pretty popular.

Thank you.

Wait, hold on.

Is that like the ceiling?

No.

I mean,

I'm no goose springsting.

Goose.

Goose.

And Arnie, that's not people booing.

That's people saying goose.

Oh, they love Goose Springsteen.

I heard his nickname as the Goss.

That's right.

Oh.

Hardest working goose in show business.

Well, who said that?

I don't know.

That's just what I say.

Oh, no, no, no.

I would say Mama Goose is the hardest working goose in show business.

Mama Goose is a burlesque dancer.

Okay.

I'm just...

Arnie, don't just picture Mama Goose in your head.

No, I'm disgusting, pervert.

It's a burlesque dancer.

I'm just trying to think what goes where, what's covering what.

Let's just say the feathers hide nothing.

Bald goose?

Huh?

Bald goose?

Plucked?

Huh?

Bald goose plucked?

That's my review.

Bald goose plucked.

Bald?

Bald?

Yes.

What's wrong with our ears?

What has happened to us?

Well, now that I've brought the stars here closer to Foon, the night shall be much brighter, and evil will have nowhere to hide from me.

I will ensure that evil is destroyed here in Foon by lighting up the night sky with the power of stars.

My plans are all finally coming to fruition.

And then, once evil is vanquished, I shall send the stars back up into the sky and sailors will stop crashing their ships against rocks.

Nobody can navigate right now.

Yeah.

The seas are a total mess.

I didn't even, it just, I didn't even think about that.

It's a real shit show.

A lot of guys are seeing manatees and saying they're mermaids.

It's really gross.

Yeah.

So much sailor death.

So much sailor death.

Oh, oh, the people that are usually below deck are on the top deck, and the people on the top deck went below deck.

Everything's topsy-turvy.

It's crazy out there.

I wouldn't.

What I'm saying is, I wouldn't take a ship right now.

I would stay off of a big ship.

Just be careful with that.

And I'm having a little trouble hearing Argyle.

He says, I heard the same thing.

If you feel the need to take a big ship right now, hold on to that feeling

and wait to take the big ship.

Sure, you're going to feel a little backed up.

You got places to go.

Sure.

But do not take a big ship.

What are your thoughts on a vacation ship?

I said it too clearly.

I could just tell it sounded like,

yeah, yeah.

I'm on board with a vacation ship, you know.

I think it's nice to not have to plan

your pilgrimage, your journey, to not have to sort of worry about a bindle full of snacks or a map.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I love a map, though.

So fun to put a little dashed line along where you're headed, and then to put a big X where you're trying to go.

And then when you encounter a sea serpent, you can draw the sea serpent right onto the map.

And then you can put, if there are treasures on there, you can put little chests where the treasures are.

Oh, I love a map.

Weren't you once on a map quest?

I was on a map quest,

but then I found my ways.

Yeah.

And Arnie, weren't you...

Arnie, didn't you spend like a year and a half of your life on Earth on a vacation ship?

Yeah, performing improv.

Yes.

People might not know this, but I have some experience doing improv.

It all disappeared from my brain long ago.

But I did spend time working on a cruise ship a long time ago.

And how was that?

Fine.

It was fine.

Yeah.

Serving drinks or...

Were there drinks?

Were you serving drinks?

No, I was performing.

Thank you, everyone,

except for that one person.

I don't want to focus on the fact that one person is like, he performed.

The fact that everybody else was like, yeah, I'll let that one slide.

So you'd go out and you'd do like a tight five.

Can we hear your tight five?

You know what, Yusidor?

Normally I would.

You know me.

I love doing a tight five, but.

I know it.

That's why I've set you up to do so right now.

Unfortunately, and I feel like I should just say this because

I feel like I don't want it to affect the show too much.

Oh no, you're dying.

You're dying.

Everyone already is dying.

Oh.

No,

I'm not dying.

I'm just saying I'm a little.

Oh, the first stage is denial.

Stop saying.

Second stage is anger.

Fuck.

I don't even know why you would think that I'm dying.

You think I know the rest of the stages?

Confusion.

Confusion.

I was setting you up for confusion.

But I've accepted that you don't know all of them.

But no, I'm just a little bit sad.

It's weird.

I'm just a little bit sad because I'm missing old friends.

I mean, we've been doing this

show for over 10 years.

That can't be right.

It's true.

Oh, but Ani, I don't want you to be sad.

What could bring joy back into your life?

Well, it's complicated.

I mean, I keep thinking.

Great movie.

I keep thinking about, like, you know, you were my first two friends in Foon.

Yeah.

And, you know, like, my second friend in Foon was like Tom Blaine Bellaroth.

But

you know how life is.

Life takes you on different paths.

And

I don't want to get too spoilery about it because I just have a feeling that not everybody here is caught up.

Well, Tom Blaine was our very first guest, right?

He was our very first guest.

And I consider him a dear friend.

And I'm just sad that now, I don't know.

He's trying to kill you.

He is trying to kill me.

I don't know.

I just miss

the Tom Blaine Bellaroth I used to know.

You know.

No problem.

I shall gladly summon a Tomblaine Bellrooth from the past.

One.

One from before the time that he wanted to kill you.

I shall pluck my very thumb into the pie of time

and pull out a plum called Tom.

What the fuck?

Did you notice how nursery rhyme-based you Sidor says?

Earlier, I caught him sleeping in a big shoe.

It was insane.

Also, around the shoe, there was a fence made of sticks, a fence made of hay,

a straw.

We call hay straw sometimes, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

And then a fence made of brick.

It was a real shit show.

Sure, yeah.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's

h-e-l-p.com slash magic.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

Quiet.

Quiet your minds.

Everyone in the tavern, listen to me now.

We here at the flogging pig, not the frog and pig, not the fog and pig,

the flogging, the flogging pig, the flogging pig.

We hear at the flogging pig must concentrate.

We must steady our minds.

We must each focus.

Remember a time.

A time before now

where Tom did love us all equally.

He did not want to murder Arnie nor Trunks nor Yusador.

We shall reach backwards into time.

And we shall, from the depths of those temporal ebbs and flows, pour forth our dear friend, Tom Blake!

Good evening!

Good evening, and

good night to thee.

Good evening.

Good evening and good night to thee.

As Prince of the Realm, it is my solemn duty to knight those that I do deem worthy.

Good evening.

Who is that?

Who's doing this spell?

Shut up.

Yes, good night to thee.

Yes, good night unto thee.

Mustard and ketchup.

This asshole's ruining my spell.

Wait, you thorough!

Very much on theme.

Good night.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good night.

Good, no.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Yes.

Good night.

Good evening.

Yes.

Oh, unto thee.

And good night.

Yes.

Good night unto thee.

Good evening.

Yes.

Good evening.

Okay.

I don't think so.

Possibly.

Yes, good night.

Yes.

Good evening unto thee.

Yes.

Oh, very nice.

A witch.

Witches can be knights too.

They can be loved.

They can be knights.

Yes.

Good evening.

Oh, lovely hair.

Yes, definitely.

Good night unto thee.

Ah,

well,

who is it at the pig fucker?

Indeed!

My good friends!

Who would have thought that you would be here at the fucking pig?

Tumlane, Your Majesty!

Unto thee.

Yes!

I would bow, but over the years, the shirt has gotten a little too tight.

My good friends, I don't need to say good friends because it's unrealistic that we wouldn't be friends.

Come.

Ah, the Vermillion Minotaur.

No, the fucking pig.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Yes.

Do you mind if I place my royal sword here?

Please, please.

Oh, perfect.

I can't believe that you said all.

Arnie, to sit before the king is a great insult.

What king?

Oh, the prince, the prince.

I'm sorry, the prince.

There is my father here.

No, I'm sorry, the prince.

Oh, I just love having a living father.

Let's have a seat.

All right, I'm starting to triangulate exactly which season you're from.

I'm

very quickly.

Yes.

Here under the table.

This is good because even though our voices are being projected everywhere, we can still have a secret conversation.

I know what you're going to say.

Holy shit, we need to do more crowd work.

Him going through the crowd was awesome.

That's pretty good.

No, we must be very very careful not to spoil any of Tom Blaine's future.

You must speak to him as if he is from the time he is.

Do not let him know of the future.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

hold on.

I was spinning and saying future.

We can't tell him anything about his future, even things that would be helpful for him to know, like about the Libyans.

Did you get that?

The Libyans?

It's all right.

I don't care if you heard it.

Some of you did.

No, no, because it could alter our own timelines drastically.

If we did that, Chunt might have a robot on.

Whoa.

Future.

Why is he spending?

Artie, remind me to ask you sort of turn back time so my cousin Glenn is still alive.

Oh, yeah.

At some point.

Still dead.

You know what might be fun?

What?

A game of OSOWC.

Accurate speculations of what's to come.

Just for a little bit of a laugh.

Curses.

Yes, what's the problem?

Curses.

Yes, I bet they'll come.

Yep.

Yes, indeed.

Oh.

Of course, Your Majesty, whatever you like.

Anything, any game you want to play, we're happy to play along with you.

Sure, sure.

So how does this game work?

We just sort of...

We just accurately speculate about what might be coming down our future paths.

Okay, I'll go first.

Okay, but I did say we're going down paths, but you know that that's not how time works.

Where we're going, we don't need roads.

I

believe that in the future,

you Sidor will become even more powerful.

Arnie will become sorry.

I'm just looking at some people who are just not getting enough of my face.

Oh.

Hello.

Yeah, sorry, I was just in the middle of predicting the fucking future.

No, no, Arnie.

Yeah, no.

Do you, you, yeah, no.

Okay, I predict in the future there will be a way for my ADHD medication to be delivered to Foon.

I'm so sorry, Chen.

What was your

doesn't matter?

It doesn't matter.

It was just nothing important, just predicting the future.

You go.

I just did.

Come on, Ben.

Come on, Arnie.

You go.

Okay.

I didn't know that you had ADHD.

It's very difficult when you need to take a ship and you realize that you have a diarrhea, huge diarrhea.

Because there are times when I think, why can't I focus?

Oh, I've got ADHD.

Yes.

Yes.

Because sometimes I eat things that give me ADHD.

And I'm thinking, oh,

that was delicious going in, but I've got an ADHD right now.

Yes.

And I simply can't focus.

And I'm so happy that the acronym counsel is including articles like A now.

Oh, yes.

It's much better.

It works much better.

A diarrhea.

Comma, huge diarrhea.

Yes.

It's A period D,

H period, D period.

You know what?

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the days when you just said I got the D.

Yeah, no, that's true.

It was nice to have the D.

Yeah.

I mean, so, uh, are there parameters, uh, Usidor, that I should definitely try to follow or not follow in this game?

Use your best judgment about predicting the future in a way that would not affect your future.

Ha ha ha, no reason.

Um, all right, well.

I predict that

I will be really good friends with everyone in this part of the tavern for the rest of my life.

Even the ones I seem to have pissed off in the last two minutes.

That's sort of an easy one, don't you think?

Like when you predict something like, I bet one of the five suns will rise tomorrow.

You know, I think we all know that's going to happen.

What could possibly sunder the bonds that we do hold?

Oh, oh, here, why don't you do a prediction then?

Okay.

Let's see.

I think

that next year

I will do a play

where I

inhabit the characters of ghosts,

but also living people.

And

the ghosts will have love scenes with the living people.

Wow.

And

that will be very realistic.

And this is sort of a writing exercise for me, too.

Okay, yeah.

And Tom Blaine, have you written a new play?

I'm so glad you asked.

I've written a play called The Ghost Fucker.

And

it's about.

ghost fucker, I'm in.

Yes.

And can I ask,

I don't want you necessarily to spoil the play, but will you be playing the titular fucker?

Yes, yes.

I'll fuck titularly.

And

oh, don't just talk about it.

Could we meet the fuckers?

Well, the play concerns an elderly couple.

Okay.

You're losing me.

And they buy a house to retire in.

But there's a twist about this house.

It's not haunted.

Oh.

And they wanted a haunted one.

Oh.

Because they like the companionship of ghosts.

So they go on a killing spree.

They invite people to their house to kill them there

so that they can haunt it.

Well, it doesn't work.

Oh no.

End part one.

What a cliffhanger.

End part one I simply must know what happens next.

I'm glad you asked.

There's a second part.

Excellent.

So we opened in the second part.

Ten years have gone by.

The couple is dead.

That's a lot that's happened.

during the intermission.

Well, yes, there's off-stage action as well as on-stage action.

And part of the fun is when you're the audience, you're coming back and you're putting the pieces together.

Wait a minute, those people used to be alive.

Are they not alive anymore?

But I didn't see that part.

Shut up, Mildred.

It happened off-stage.

Well, you can't blame me.

I can't follow the theater.

Well, maybe you should be smarter.

So we come back, and the couple is dead.

So, the twist, of course, now is they created all these ghosts.

Yes, but now they're ghosts too.

So these ghosts that are living in the house, they were killed by the main couple.

Right.

See?

But now the main couple is also ghosts.

I don't know if you've ever killed someone and then become a ghost

and had to live in the same...

Yes.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

It's not very welcoming.

No.

Right?

So there's a...

We start off part two with a great deal of conflict.

How are they going to fit in with the ghosts of the people that they murdered?

End part two.

Whoa.

Wow.

What an unsatisfying conclusion.

It makes you want to see the third one.

There's a third one?

But you're not going to like it.

It takes place

on an island unrelated to anything we've seen before.

What the fuck?

Alright.

No, I'm following.

Okay.

Well, you shouldn't be.

I'm not.

I mean, I'm not following, but I'm interested.

You're not following in the way you're not supposed to be following.

Exactly.

So there's this island, seemingly unrelated to everything we've seen before.

We as the audience don't know why we're seeing what we're seeing and if it is indeed related, but we know it must be related because it's called part three of something we've seen two parts of.

So on the island, there's a dispute

between an ice cream maker and his best friend.

Oh, I knew it.

No, I didn't.

I just wanted to sound like I knew it.

Well, it is a trope.

Well, that's true.

Yes.

So you're watching this and you're like, this is part three of the ghost thing, but, oh, oh, I get it.

They're doing an ice cream Maker Fights' friend story.

Right.

Which is sort of, have you ever seen the thing where they break down?

There's only like 36 stories that have ever been told.

Right.

And one of them is, I make ice cream and but I don't get along with my friend.

So

So that's happening on the island and there's quite a bit of drama

Because one is in love with the other one's wife.

But he doesn't know it's his wife, you see.

So...

Wait, who doesn't know?

The husband doesn't know it's his wife?

That's part of what the audience is trying to figure out.

Oh.

It becomes clear that someone doesn't know who their wife is.

Okay.

And you, you...

Because it's an island, it must be someone on the island.

Obviously.

Right?

And the whole time you're like, he seems like he might not know who his wife is.

But then

in a different scene, you'll be like, no, it's him who doesn't know.

You know?

And it's not until the end that you realize who doesn't know who their wife is.

It's the ice cream man's friend, end part three.

Oh, shit.

I've forgotten about.

I've forgotten all about the elderly couple that became ghosts.

No, you haven't, because you just articulated them.

And that's what's beautiful about the audience experience of this.

People will be walking out saying, I've forgotten all about that thing.

But by saying that, they're revealing that they're lying when they speak.

You're right.

And I think that's part of this: it's an indictment of our own thoughts.

Wow.

As a playwright, the thing you most want to do is have someone at the end of the play stand up and tell a lie and

realize it's a lie.

And that's why art unzips our souls, shows us the inside of them,

and asks us, can you handle that?

This is the most powerful artistic statement I have e'er heard, Your Majesty.

You must produce this play as soon as possible.

This will change the cocktickling community.

Oh, yes, no, yes, yes, the cockticklers, yes.

That's the theatre group that I'm a part of.

Yes.

And thankfully, my father is still alive, so I am a prince who can simply produce these plays and occasionally night people.

I made a few nights here, like mustard and ketchup.

And so that's really what I've been up to.

It's a wonderful prediction that you'll write this.

Have you already written the play or are you predicting that this is the play you're going to write?

Well, I've got some ideas.

Do you know what an outline is?

That's when someone dies and you draw around them.

Exactly.

So I've drawn a picture of the outline of one of the ghosts that's killed in the first one.

Ah!

So that's kind of a starting point.

That's a good place to start.

Yes, I know what sort of the perimeter of the body looks like of one of the characters in the first part of the first play.

It'll make them easier to cast.

I think so.

Just lay down.

Do you fit in there?

Right.

Right.

Exactly.

Yes.

Tom Blaine, can I ask?

Yes.

In between Act 1 and Act 2, there were some stage directions that included the lines, shut up, Mildred.

I wish you were smarter.

Are you still with Mildred?

Oh, no, that was the person talking to their wife

in the audience.

Yes.

Right.

That they are watching the play, and that's sort of what they say out loud.

Now, how do the audience know what their lines are?

A good playwright

writes the lines for the actors on stage.

A great playwright writes lines for the actors on stage that makes the people in the audience say things

that they didn't know were written by the playwright.

Wow.

So hypothetically, if someone in the audience were to say, the strange familiar, that would be the sign of a great playwright.

Exactly.

If that's what the playwright intended for them to say.

Sometimes a bad playwright will write a play with lines for the people on stage, intending the audience to say certain lines in the audience, but they don't say the lines that they were supposed to say in the playwright's mind.

And that's when a play will absolutely not win a tosser.

That's when a play is

dreadful.

Yes, I agreed.

If the audience doesn't say the right things, then you know you've failed.

If you come out and you, you know, I don't know, just for instance, say, listed off a bunch of your titles and names.

and then people repeated things or yelled things back at you that weren't your names, but sounded sort of like your names,

you would be a failure.

I take issue with that.

No, it's all right.

I, as little Jack Horner, shall now sit in the corner.

Oh, he's going to sit in the corner, but watch out, there's a candlestick.

Oh, no.

Damn that candlestick.

Oh, I thought he was going to jump over it.

No,

I've been avoiding it all night, but now I cannot, for I've moved to the corner where it is.

And yea, you are exactly right, Chunt.

There is not for me to do but to expunge myself o'er this very candle.

Aye, to cast myself up into the sky, o'er the candlestick, onto the other side of it.

I think he might have ADHD.

I think so.

Hey, Usidor, if you need to go do something in the back, you can go do it.

Okay.

Tumbling!

That was amazing.

Wow.

It was almost as if in real time you wrote a script for Usidor to get off stage to go shit.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tom, can I ask, to step outside of the game for a second?

United, I don't don't know, about a third of the people in the tavern tonight.

What should they expect

for themselves in the future?

Now that they are

in your service?

Oh, that's a great question.

It's a marvelous opportunity.

What you want to do is scan the QR code on the way out of the tavern.

That's a quest readiness code.

Now,

that will give you an access to a monthly subscription.

Okay.

Yes.

Well you will pay thirty coin

to become a member of my Knights Society.

Okay.

Okay.

We meet at

night.

You've got it.

Knight.

Yes.

And

I give advice and training and counseling and then you possibly get an opportunity to meet with the king.

Whoa.

So.

That's pretty exciting.

If I were to meet with the king,

and

let's say someone else is the king, just hypothetically.

Okay.

Pretty weird, but I'll go with it.

And that king sort of

became, well, less hospitable.

In what way would you woo that king back to your side?

Hmm.

So you're saying someone else is the king,

but the king becomes less hospitable.

Yes.

Well,

that's the kind of thing where you just have to summon a version of them from the past.

Yeah.

From when you liked them and they liked you.

Right.

And then you asked them about an inhospitable king and they would say

that you'd have to summon a version of them from the past from when you liked them and they liked you.

Okay.

It's very difficult

when people become enemies with their friends.

It is difficult.

Yes.

And it is mine hope that as a champion of justice that I shall fight to destroy evil in all its forms.

But one of the worst evils is a broken friendship.

And the only way to defeat that sort of evil is to mend those bridges, to grow those bonds back into place.

I have a new mission, and my mission is to make...

This is dramatic tension.

It's when someone

starts a sentence.

You can't end a sentence with make.

Yeah.

And when he stood up, was that rising action?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes, definitely.

Although, just to play devil's advocate, When he says, I've got to make, he might have ADHD.

That's true.

He might be brewing an A.

Yes, ADHD.

Whoa, Tomblaine, was that some sort of denouement?

Yes, yes.

Yes, it was a day

noum, which is French for a new day.

And that's at the end of the play when a new day arises.

There's a new sun that comes up, and we wipe the slate.

Wow, wow.

It's so good to have you back, Tomblaine.

Back from what?

I'm always around.

You know, I'm doing

my show,

A Series of Bats.

Yes.

Some of them have seen it.

Or heard it.

I can't see who it is.

Don't you also have a sort of body nighttime show called A Series of Butts?

Yes.

It's very similar to the bat show, but it's a dirty version

where the bats have sex.

So hold on.

It's called

a series of buts.

Okay, I guess I can get there.

All the bats are backwards.

Yes.

So you can see their butts.

Yes, right, right, right, right, right.

But you know, bats, what you don't know about bats' butts

is they poop using sound.

Ooh.

They have no buttholes.

What?

They put out

a high-pitched sound.

Are you saying they echo defecate?

Yes.

Yes.

That's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

That sounds like a great show.

It sounds like a great show.

Sorry.

Oh, yes, it's a wonderful show.

Not having a butthole, that's the saddest story.

The saddest one-sentence story known to man.

Bat turned around no butthole.

I have to assume.

Arnie, unless you know of a sadder story that's one sentence.

Well,

for sale, butthole.

Wait, never mind.

I've not got one.

Because what's even sadder about that story is in your story, the person already knows they don't have a butthole.

So that's quite sad.

Yes.

But at least it's known.

In my story, it comes as a surprise.

Yes, disappear.

And that's how you elevate a narrative.

Because the person who knew that they didn't have a butthole, at least they'd grappled with it.

The person in my story is halfway through their sentence, assuming, as we all do, that they've got a butthole.

Yeah.

And what if you looked and no?

Whoa.

What about a shorter version that's just for sale butthole never pooped?

Whoa, Arnie!

Arnie, you said back on Earth you were a creative writer.

Yeah, I have a creative writing MFA back on my world.

Wow.

I've done a lot of things that I don't seem to have retained the skills for.

No, that was great.

That was amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I like that one sentence story.

I was thinking of a similar story over here.

They would go, baby shoes for sale, babies bigger.

Yeah.

It's very sad when babies grow.

Yes.

Because they're so cute.

They're so cute.

Yes.

And you imagine trying to put those shoes on them, those shoes don't fit, and you're like, gotta buy new shoes.

I have a sad story.

It's baby shoes for sale, never worn.

Baby born with wheels.

You don't put shoes on wheels.

I think that's a happy story.

You're right.

Some of the happiest moments are in a foonish delivery room where the the the Arnie that's where we get our mail.

Yes.

Someone gets a...

It's a female.

Or non-binary.

Sure.

Someone gets a package and in it is a baby.

Sure.

Yeah.

And they ask, well, you know, what is it?

And they say, well, it's a boy, but also, it's got wheels.

You don't have to buy a stroller.

It's fantastic.

And some of the happiest babies are the ones with legs and wheels.

Because then they can sort of run and then pick up their legs

they get a speed going and then if they can balance they pick up their legs and they go weekly yeah yeah now do wheels have to run in the family

well if you understand foolish genetics wheels can be recessive

so that means

exactly

The father may have wheels and just not know it because they've been recessed.

And so oftentimes you will have a baby with wheels and you'll think, well, I don't have wheels.

And then the doctor will go, should we check?

Because you never thought to have to check.

So we hold certain assumptions about ourselves.

We do have a butthole.

We don't have wheels.

And you can go through much of your life and then discover these things.

This could be really helpful.

So like hypothetically, say,

you know, you're a teenager or something and someone walks in on you while you're masturbating you can say Arnie you said hypothetically hype but hypothetically you could just say ha ha ha I'm just checking for wheels

Yes, I think so.

Yeah,

I Knighted a 10-year-old in the crowd.

Oh, yes

Arnie and it might have been my 10-year-old so it's gonna be quite a night

I have to imagine that he's gonna be yelling pick fucker all night long but that's not

and let me say that 10 year old has permission to yell pig fucker

I don't want anyone to be worried about it

so hypothetically yes

masturbation which is a thing so if a 10 year old just started saying pig fucker a lot

at school which they should not do they would be like where did you learn that and they would say at the city winery i

i just want to clarify not only for this child, but everyone in the audience, nothing about what happens here is a permission slip.

Yes, that's a great question.

In fact, it might be more of a cautionary tale.

Now, that said, let's check Arnie for wheels.

Oh,

I...

Hey, hey, I appreciate your concern.

I have thoroughly checked.

Can you stand up real quick, though?

Just in case.

Yeah, let's just do like a 10-point inspection.

Okay.

You know, I hate standing.

Marty, you mind if we get under the hood here?

And there might be some back here you couldn't get to, you know?

So let's really see.

Yeah, get in there with a sword and see what we got.

We're just gonna.

We're just gonna get under the hood, man.

All right, what do we got?

What do we got?

All right, you definitely got a leak here.

Yeah, we're gonna have to rotate those.

Rotate those?

Yeah.

I'll get like a torsion or something.

I don't.

Yeah, I don't see any wheels.

I'm not getting any wheels.

I poked his butt a few times.

No.

Your Majesty,

I think it's time we came clean.

Oh, those are just the knights who say no.

I think it's time we came dirty.

And I think it's time we delayed our came until seven or eight hours later.

Until you get a nice sting in your penis.

It's just that Arnie has been feeling lonely lately.

You know, we are his two great boon companions, but you

are right there amongst the pantheon of Arnie's greatest friends.

Even though he is a lonely commoner and you, Your Majesty, are so divinely appointed to sit upon a throne.

We think of thee as one of our greatest and best friends.

Man, friendship is a great gift.

You know the saddest story ever told.

Please tell me.

For sale, my friend's shoes.

He died.

Oh, no.

That's got everything.

It tells you you had a friend.

Yes.

And it's sad because the friend left you the shoes in his will, but you just turned around and sold them.

Kind of a shitty friend.

But as you get older, you realize that it's not just death that leads people to not be friends anymore, and that's also sad.

Like the sad tale, for sale, friend's shoes, don't tell him.

Aww.

It's when you're profiting off of a friend in secret, because you like them, but you think they have too much.

Yes, I suppose.

I just thought, well, Tom Blaine, it's been so good to see you.

For no reason at all, I want you to take this mystical rock from mine pouch.

Oh, that's a good reason.

Hold it tightly in thine hand and.

All right.

Think of returning home.

Okay.

To the time from where you belong.

So this time.

Return to the time where you belong.

Return to the time where you belong.

Always hasn't joined the reverse.

He's gonna

be a little bit of a chance to be returned to the time where you belong.

Oh, he's unnighting everyone.

He has so much of the audience to get through in reverse.

Oh no, I just heard him say zip, zap, zop.

Maybe it was zop, zap, zip.

Zip.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but they're all being unknown.

Zim, zombie.

Ketchup and mustard.

Not ketchup and mustard.

Oh, wait.

I forgot.

There's one more thing I want to ask him.

Return to the present time.

Return to the present time.

Good night.

And good night to thee.

My duty is tonight, people, across food.

Oh!

He's starting He's going to be good.

Good night.

Arnie, you survived Arnie.

Can you freeze him?

Can you freeze Tom Blaine?

Good night.

Good night.

Freeze!

Yeah, because look, when he did it the first time, I was like, I love Good Night and Good Luck, but do I really want to see it again?

I really have the urge to tag out Tom Blaine, take the sword, and like take the nighting in a new direction.

Does that make sense?

But if Tom Blaine keeps coming back in the direction he was earlier right now, when he gets on stage, remember, we have to reenact the last 40 minutes exactly

exactly one slip-up could ruin everything but what if we placed a hypnotic suggestion within him

oh can we get a suggestion can we get a does anyone please can we get a hypnotic suggestion

i heard boys nights

i heard i heard boys night

come to me tombling bellaroff come to this time

Where the hell did he go?

There he is.

He's really careful.

He's coming sword first.

Arnie always comes sword first.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm a gentleman.

I say sword second.

Tombling.

It is a boy's knight.

Oh,

he thinks he's a child knight.

I would like to slay the dragon, please.

Oh,

I am a boy's knight.

Four-sail boy's sword never sheathed?

Papa, can I slay the dragon?

Arnie, Arnie, you be his dad.

Arnie, be the dad!

Sure!

That's your dad.

Go talk to your dad, Albano.

Hey, son.

Father.

Yes.

I'm glad you're alive and always will be.

Can I slay the dragon?

You know what, son?

What?

You're going to be slaying all kinds of dragons your whole life.

Uh, freeze!

Me?

Unfreeze.

I had an important lesson for you about how it's okay if you can't slay a dragon.

But you know what?

Just fucking kill that dragon.

I have a son of my own!

Oh no!

Come here, son.

I want you to meet this boy night.

Boy Knight!

My name is Kid Dragon.

This is the moment I understood the world was complicated.

No, look.

My innocence is forever broken.

Life was fun, and now it's not.

No,

I understand.

I was there when I was your age.

When I was your age, I got really frustrated by double dragon.

Dad, dad, I have to go check and see if I have wheels.

My son's gonna go masturbate, but when he's back, I would love for you two to play.

What?

John, you'd or I don't know.

Like, is this really Tom Blaine or a conjuring of Tom Blaine?

Are we, like, mucking around in his brain inappropriately?

Or, yeah, is this gonna affect the Tom Blaine in the current timeline?

Well, I didn't want to spoil it before, but you can't really mess with time.

So, all the Tom that we met always experienced these things exactly as he did right now.

Okay, so what you're saying is, if someone's listening to the podcast and they skip the live shows, they'll still understand what's going on.

Let's hope so.

Yeah, I suppose.

Tom Blaine Belleroth,

do you recognize me?

the great wizard Yusidor the Blue?

Gasmoenius, I've got a rock!

Yes, I gave that to you as a gift.

I want you to keep it for all the rest of your days.

And if ever you feel you've lost your way,

just hold the rock and ask yourself an important question about

what is most important?

An important question about

importance.

Exactly.

And what would the answer be if you held this rock in your hand and tried to remember what was most important to you right now?

Well, I've just learned a lesson about the world being incredibly complicated.

And so...

Even though it's complicated.

Great movie.

There is something that surpasses all the complications.

This is one of those lessons that feels Socratic, but you're definitely leading me somewhere.

All right, Smarty, then what is it?

Well, probably friendship or something like that.

Yes, exactly.

Love, friendship, the bonds that tie us together.

Don't forget these bonds, for they shall be there for you when all else is gone.

Wealth, power,

other things, like a nice house, or

even food.

When you are at your lowest point and no one is there for you, your friends.

Remember, you've got friends in low places.

Where the whiskey drowns.

And

the rest of it.

I release you now to the future, Tom Blaine Belaroth.

Return from whence you came.

Careful on the steps.

Careful on the steps.

Usidorn, can you make the spell go faster but still safely?

Sure.

You want to talk for another 45 minutes or so?

You know, I never really, when he's talking forward, I never really noticed how many Z's he uses.

I think it's a subtle lisp.

Yeah, it could be.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Usidor,

you're a good friend.

And when I say that, I'm not saying that in the passive-aggressive way.

Oh, finally.

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me what a good friend Tom Blaine Bellaroth was, and that hopefully we'll be good friends again someday.

Indeed.

And Chunt,

you're a good friend.

And I only slightly mean that in a passive-aggressive way.

That means the world to me.

And you know what?

Yeah.

Who knows what the future holds.

Although, if I'm being honest, 10 years from now, things will be pretty much exactly the same.

But even still, I'm going to enjoy this moment.

Knowing that we're here together right now.

And I'm here with all of you.

And you're all here together with each other.

the

vlogging pig.

The flogging pig, the flogging pig, yeah.

Vlogging pig, vlogging pig.

And Arnie, I think I speak for you, Sidor, and I when we say

you're a good friend.

Oh, and we love you.

You don't speak for me.

Yeah, right.

But you're a good friend.

We love you, buddy.

Oh.

This is our last show we're ever doing.

What?

Isn't it?

No.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

I wouldn't have said any of that then.

And Arnie?

Yeah.

Don't tell Usidor.

He can hear you, but sure.

I've got wheels.

I've seen them.

That's our show!

Did you hear all that applause and laughter?

A big thanks to our post-production department for making that sound so realistic.

And special thanks to everyone working at the City Winery, New York, and all those who came out for the show.

Especially the two audience members dressed as mustard and ketchup for reasons that were never adequately explained.

Also the woman from the meet and greet afterwards who shared pictures of her horse that she'd named Usidor and made a horse-size wizard costume for.

So long, quiet nobility.

Hopefully we'll share those pictures on social media at some point.

Since we're largely the shirt podcast now, it's worth noting that every live show on the tour gets its own unique t-shirt inspired by that show.

So if you want to get an I state at the Flogging Pig shirt, check out our dashery store.

Also, if you listened to this and thought, I want to be trapped in a room with those people for 60 to 80 minutes, more live shows are coming up in Washington, D.C.

on August 15th, Philadelphia on August 17th, Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27th, and where all good things end, Richmond, Virginia on September 28th.

Links for shirt and tickets are all in the show notes.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by special guest Steve Walteen.

Steve is a Peabody Award-winning writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern Theme by Andy Poland.

Now, where is that form for submitting overtime hours?

Oh, yes, there isn't one.