Season 5, Ep 64 - Flower's Bar (w/ Brooke Breit)

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and three or four months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the ruffled feather on the outskirts of the town of Hogsface in the magical land of foon and I'm joined as always by my co-host Shunt the Talking Badger bing bong how you doing buddy oh I'm doing pretty good Arnie I don't know if you can see but Our goat named Grapes is going nuts behind the counter.

He is making so much wine.

Yeah.

You'd say he's grape nuts?

He's grape nuts.

He's stomping so many grapes.

Here's my question, and I think maybe, Chunt, you're the only one that could answer that.

Do you think Grape is going nuts behind the bar because he was thinking he was going grape nuts?

Or was that just like a surprise discovery on his part?

Ernie, I'm not sure what you're asking, but yes.

Okay.

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, he just fell.

Oh, I hope he's okay.

He was stomping grapes and then he fell.

Oh,

I see.

Do I have to walk into it?

Yeah, I don't have to ask a follow-up question about that one.

That one, I feel like this is going to be a pretty big cultural moment.

Yes, absolutely.

Guys, can I be honest?

Was it a mistake for us to not do one of our classic walking up to the tavern openings when we come to a new location?

I'm just so excited that we're back at the ruffled feather on the outskirts of Hogsface.

I just wanted to like start the podcast at the table.

Arnie, we're outside waiting.

We're going to walk up now.

Coming in?

Come on out, Ernie.

No,

come inside.

Whoa, Usidor, look at this.

We're back at the ruffled feather.

Wow, back here with all the rufflers.

Wow, this is crazy.

Oh, there's our old friend Arnie.

Arnie, it's been so long.

We just walked up to the tavern.

Oh, you guys are too committed to versimilitude.

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usor the Wizard.

I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trocus.

The elves know me as Fiongalik, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Eugstangis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And I, yea, Chunt, I must keep my voice low, for here were the ne'er-do-wells to gather.

Most certainly a powerful wizard would be their enemy, or at least someone

they would, they would be afraid I would be like, kind of of like

trying to harsh their scene, you know?

Oh, yeah.

They're trying to be cool, and I'd be like, Hey, stop doing that.

Stop now.

Thou shalt not drink.

You give off principal vibes.

Thank you.

You know, as you get older, sometimes you think, like, when you're younger, you think a bar is like tough and scary, and then you get older, and you're just like, oh, wait, no, it's just cool.

And then you think, it's too loud in here.

Yes, so loud.

Arnie, what was that word?

Before Isura introduced himself, you you said some word

versus a minimote.

Versimilitude?

Yeah, that's the word.

Verisimilitude?

What are we talking about?

Verisimilitude versus whatever that word is, right next door to the ruffled feather.

Why Usur and I were just out front, I saw that there's a Verisimilitude Minotaur tavern next door.

Is that ours?

Did we do that?

That's a good question.

And also, you're not sure exactly how it's spelled over there either.

Hybrid, I was outside for just a few seconds i did i did you know come on well the town's been through a lot of changes since they rebuilt it was you know briefly going to call it hogsface and now they're just like they kind of settled back into hogsface they're like why are we renaming the town we're just rebuilding the town it's stupid so maybe they maybe they called it that but it's still maybe uh maybe there's a new vermilion minotaur oh that'd be kind of fun but guys um I'm also going to whisper this because I don't want to dwell on this too much.

No, let's not.

Should we maybe not draw too much attention to the fact that like six or seven years ago we blew up Hog's face?

Like that was something we did.

That's right.

I destroyed Hog's face because save full of food.

Oh, everyone's raising their mugs to use it.

Al, don't throw those at me.

No, okay.

Started positive.

Yeah.

Gotten on positive.

I mean, I guess they are ne'er dwells, so.

Yeah, that is true.

Yeah, they're going to cost many ne'er dwells here.

Oh, but I'm so excited to be back in Hogsface.

Oh, no, Arnie, I was excited, but look at the the plaque above the mantle uh-huh oh dedicated to macho mantis randy mantis oh apparently in the intervening time has he passed maybe he just did something really cool oh yeah maybe he installed that mantle that's that's also possible we you know we can't go walking around assuming every plaque means death right do they usually put birth and death dates on uh plaques when you just put up a mantle yeah

well to be fair it just says b and D.

B and D didn't stand for anything.

Yeah, that is true.

What are some of the things it could have stood for?

Let's see.

Maybe like

bored?

And then

are we all just pretending we don't want to say balls and dick?

Is that like, is that why we're all trying to think of something else?

100%.

Save the best for last.

Are you fucking

kidding me?

Are you fucking, of all places?

Are you fucking kidding me?

What the fuck?

Flower.

Our good friend Flower, the talking flower.

Well, our good friend, Donnie, I don't know that you get to say that.

No, no.

Okay.

Did you come here to surprise me?

Happy birthday.

Did you come here because you knew it was my birthday today?

That's right.

Wow, you got it in one, you Sidor.

That was a closer.

Holy shit.

Listen, okay, first of all, clear something else.

I heard you talking about the plaque over there.

It's kind of

tricky.

Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis, did something really cool, but then immediately died after this.

So it's two plaques.

If you peel off the top plaque, underneath is the like, congratulations, you ate a giant steak.

And then on top of that, it's like, I'm so sorry that you died.

That's a lot of plaque.

Your mantle should go to the dentist.

Yeah, we'll consider it.

Thanks for saying that.

Thanks for that fucking tip.

I have a big principle energy.

Don't worry about it.

I always assumed that Macho Mantis Randy Mantis would die like during sex.

Is that just me?

Oh, yeah.

He gives off that vibe.

Yeah.

Is that what happened, Flower?

It was unclear.

Okay.

Here was situation.

It was unclear.

It was unclear.

It was unclear because it seemed like things were going well.

I was here that night, by the way.

Wait, it happened here in the tavern.

It happened here.

No big deal.

I kind of, I kind of run this place now.

Whoa, congratulations.

Congrats.

Thank you very much.

Officially, like you officially run it, or are you just saying, like, guys, I kind of run this place?

Well, a a little bit like I came in with a big attitude, and then I did win it in a knife fight.

Sure.

So, between those two things, it was sort of assumed with half the crowd that I was already in charge, but then really established things with the knife fight, which may allegedly be how Macho Mantis Randy Mantis died.

Oh, yeah.

Emphasis on the stab.

To go back to established.

So you probably killed him, but it's also still unclear if he died during sex.

Yes, because okay, here's the situation.

He was here.

I wasn't going to fight him.

I was going to fight the current owner of the establishment who is stepping on my turf.

I said, I clearly came in here.

I got big ideas.

I have no time for you.

Get the fuck out of my face.

Sure.

Mantis comes in towards me.

He's like, this is great.

Good luck.

Gave me a little bit of a pat on the back and then said, I wish the best for you.

I'm eyeing this lady over here and we're about to fuck.

So if you don't mind, I'm about to go outside and take care of this business.

I said, Please take it outside.

We're about currently, you can't have fighting and fucking in the same spot.

Sure, don't have your fighting.

Don't fuck with your fight.

Exactly, don't fuck with your fight.

Yeah, read the sign.

If it says fucking, go for it.

If it says fighting, go for it.

So I say, You gotta go outside.

You gotta go outside.

He goes outside, and then

several loose knives.

Oh no,

flew out the window.

Sure.

Flew out the window.

I gotta say, God, Wait,

loose knives flew out the window.

Unsheathed, Donnie, if we are being technical.

Yes, a knife can be loose if it's out of its sheath.

They were also like additional knives that were not originally in the fight.

So kind of loose, assorted, sundry knives.

A cavalcade.

Yeah, like, so then they ended up out the window.

I was like, oh, shit, going out of the window.

And then he comes in through the door.

I don't see a scratch on him.

Probably died of a heart attack from having knives being thrown into his face.

Probably while fucking.

Oh, wow.

A veritable pour-pri of blades.

Did you say that pour-pourri?

Po-pourri.

Oh.

Hmm.

I mean, anyone who wears that many bandanas is gonna go out fucking.

That's true.

Also, did anyone notice the tavern on the other side of this place called Pour-Paris?

It's a clever name.

It dig is French.

Poor Paris.

Oh.

Well, flower, it's so exciting to see you again.

And you're an entrepreneur now?

You are running a tavern?

Well, you know, I got my start with basalts and smoothies.

So I have a little bit of

experience in the biz.

But came in here and I was like, I got some ideas for this place.

I feel like it could, you know, up it, make it a little seedier, make it a little more like exciting.

Who can make it seedier than a flower?

Nobody.

My seeds are all over this fucking place.

Yeah, the floor does seem to all be sort of tightly packed soil now.

That's that's fun.

Yeah, that's fun.

Well, flower, you'll be excited to learn that you and Arnie now

you and Arnie now have something in common.

Uh, you're both proprietors of a tavern.

You here at the ruffled feather, and Arnie, of course, owns the Wanderlost,

our traveling tavern that is temporarily misplaced.

All our taverns are somewhere.

That's true.

Okay.

You know what?

Tavern is where your heart is.

Oh.

That's one of the signs.

That's the sign right below the one that says fucking or fighting.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

Have you considered having designated days for fucking and fighting?

We tried that.

We had a calendar.

And it was like, okay, Monday, Funday, which could go either way.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Tuesday, Tuesday, again, could go either way.

Yeah, you choose.

Wednesday, Friendly.

That's fucking.

That's fucking

fuck.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Thursday, Blurs Day.

You get so drunk, you probably fight.

Probably.

Friday, die day.

Oh.

That could go either way.

Probably fighting, but I mean...

Probably the theming was a little too ambiguous, and so just nobody wanted to show up for any particular day, except for saturday we do trivia oh wasn't saturday splatter day no we just said trivia we got really tired people seemed to be pissed off with how cute it was they were like this is not it's not appealing to me it's not the right vibe please just tell me what this is right guys we gotta come back for trivia oh that's a good idea

trivia is fun trivia is fun we just usually pull up one person and then you have to guess shit about them.

Ooh, I mean, last week we we did some amount of trivia and I I guess sort of like riddles and puzzles and stuff, right?

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, on the bridge.

We met that absolute fucking toe of a troll, Chad?

Something like that.

Yeah, fuck it.

I can't remember all the names.

Hey, Usidore.

Hey, Usidore.

What?

What?

Can you can you magic up like a birthday cake real quick?

Oh, sure.

You start talking.

I'll have it.

You.

Oh, look at me.

Look over here.

Okay.

Look.

Look.

I'm.

What are you doing?

You gonna do something?

I was gonna change into something, but I forgot I can't shift anymore.

I'm looking.

Is it?

Where are you from, ma'am?

What's your name?

Oh, shit.

You're really blowing this.

Happy birthday, flower.

Speaking of blowing this, blow out your candles.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God.

You did surprise me for my birthday.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh.

Oh, she's blowing out oxygen.

No, of course, I brought you this cake.

It's made of algae.

So it has plenty of sun that's been photosynthesized into it.

Perfect for a flower.

That sounds wonderful.

I can't wait to sit on it later.

Cake farts.

Ooh, cake farts, guys.

Cake farts.

New t-shirt.

Well, why don't we take a quick break to have some cake and we'll be right back.

Cake break.

Cake fart.

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Guys, did you notice the weird way that flower exhaled?

Like, obviously, it was blowing out oxygen, but just also, like, the noise she made.

Yeah, it was, it sounded sort of um, it's like guttural and a little rough.

Like, it just sounded bad.

Is she sick?

That

sounded fine to me.

I'm gonna try something.

Oh!

Flower.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, she's busting these tables over here.

Hold on a second.

Yeah.

What do you guys agree?

Is everybody having a good time?

Great, okay, bye.

It looks like you lost an eyelash.

I don't know if that's something that you have, but hey, can you blow it off my finger and make a wish?

Alright, I mean, if that's your thing, that sounds great to me.

Cool.

Okay.

Thank you.

Very wet exhale.

I'll go get, does anybody want snacks or anything?

I can go get some...

I mean, like, I know the person who runs the place.

Oh, always, since we're back

near in shingleshang forest i would love uh i would love some ghost mushrooms okay

great we do them like a tempora perfect fried with an aioli oh a temporal okay that sounds pretty temporal aioli

chun do you need anything um yeah let me get do you still have uh sorry does the place still have guilty goose on the menu oh yeah yeah okay i'll do a guilty goose okay i psychologically torture the goose every day.

Artie, have you heard about this?

No.

It makes their liver explode.

It's delicious.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's kind of like in my wheelhouse.

Like, I never knew I'd be so good at this job.

And then it was like, you can fuck with the goose.

And I was like, great.

I mean, it seems unethical, but also delicious.

So you came into this habit and you're like, first of all,

we're going to make this place a lot crueler than it was before.

Yep.

I feel like I've, you know, like when you walk into a place and you're like, this is my purpose

like they need me and proof is in the pudding.

I'll tell you why if you can see that sign over there.

Ooh I'll have some of the pudding.

Yeah in the pudding.

It's in the pudding and it's on the sign over there.

It says that we were featured on tavern shitholes and bars.

Whoa.

Huh.

Which one were you classified as?

A lot of the a lot of things on that could double dip in a couple different ways.

Like when you see stuff featured on tavern shitholes and bars, you're kind of like, I get it.

like fine like this seems like you got a grill congratulations also you're doing like text mech what a what an innovation but uh you know for us it was like we were deeply in the tavern

feel

uh but i like to challenge the norm so i said i'm going for the triple threat i said i would like to be considered a tavern a shithole and a bar Wow

that would be cool.

And did Druid Fieti give you that honor?

Yes, Druid Fieti showed up.

I'll tell you what, that guy won't eat an egg to save his life.

You try to make him an egg.

He hates him.

He shits in your face.

And it is like, it's unpleasant.

But I had to do it.

I was like, we don't even have eggs here.

And I was like, don't test me, bro.

I was like, I just, I want to see what he's going to do.

Straight up, shit in my face.

Don't serve eggs here, but today, Goose, get to laying.

Get to fucking laying.

Some say he used to be a donkey sorcerer.

Yeah, he is.

He was a big old donkey sorcerer.

And you know what he did?

He took all the food and he shoved in a fucking trash can over there and then dumped it upside down on the table and said that he heightened the dish.

But he does a lot of good.

He does a lot of good.

I have loads of good guy.

He's a good guy.

I mean, he frees so many.

He'll go to dungeons once a week.

And he'll free one person.

They're off the chain, right?

Every week, off the chain.

It's kind of beautiful what he does.

It is.

It truly is.

I gotta tell you, though, I asked him, I said afterwards, I was like, where do you get your hair done?

Where?

Because I'm very interested.

And if you'll notice, my petals have been frosted.

I didn't want to say anything, but I thought they were a little different.

Arnie, do you have anything to add?

Well,

I was just remembering that

flowers is pubes, so like your petals are frosted.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

Petals are frosted.

And it, I mean, it looks like, again, in honor of Donkey Source, I guess is what he used to go by.

Your pot is backwards?

Are you wearing your pot backwards?

Yo, I come by.

I got a backwards pot.

Wow.

I got frosted pube tips.

Really living my best life.

I've really found myself here.

Can I say, and I say this with Love Flower, are you okay?

No.

I actually like.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

That's terrible.

We're going going to get real?

It seemed like you were excelling, and

you even thought you'd found your place here.

But what could be wrong?

Please.

Listen, I'm going to go get your food real quick.

Okay.

Artu, did you want anything that we could really talk if we really want to fucking talk?

Okay.

I don't.

Last time I was here, I just mostly remember that people were just selling drugs.

So I.

Okay.

All right.

Fair enough.

Surprise me.

I'll have a drug flight.

Okay, great.

Be right back.

Ooh, nice cocktail of drugs.

Interesting.

Guys, was that rude?

Like, I actually like all of these changes for Flower.

Can you answer Chunt's question?

Because that's going to help me a lot, too.

All right, how about this?

Just really quickly, before Flower gets back, are there any rude things I've done in the last 10 years of this podcast?

Oh, boy.

Let me grab this scroll out of my hat.

Whoa, that is unfurling.

Whoa, CB, that's the seat length.

But more recently.

Like, I like all the changes that Flower has made in their life, but I don't know.

It just doesn't seem very flower.

I was just making sure Flower, this wasn't like some kind of breakdown or something.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I didn't think of that.

I suppose you're right.

It is unnatural for a flower to be held in one place such as this.

She often, you know, grows back into the ground, pops up wherever we're at, yells at you.

She's nearly impossible to kill.

You remember a long time ago, Ani?

You killed Flower?

Remember that?

Yeah.

I mean, I think the first time we met.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

On your scroll, Yusudor, that's number 50.

That's...

Yeah.

I would assume that was one.

And that was like an episode three.

I know.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here's all the stuff.

We got the mush.

We got...

Oh, this dog just ran out the door.

Don't come back!

I like how Flower has a shorthand for all the things we ordered so that we don't know if they actually remember what we ordered.

You're being rude.

We got the mush here.

We got the mush with the ale.

We got the gabagoose right here.

Delicious.

And then we got the Coca-Cola.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, cocaine.

Yep.

And coal.

Okay.

Can we also get an order of fagites with guacamole?

You want some phagites with a...

Oh, I'm sorry.

You mean phagitis?

Stop ordering that everywhere we go.

I gotta say,

that was a change I was looking to make around here.

I was like, we don't have enough stuff on a hot skillet.

I was like, we need more items to be dangerous when they're coming out.

They need to feel like

they're still cooking and like you did the work somehow, even though you didn't do anything.

So I'm still working on that.

Yeah, you always want the platter that it's served upon to potentially fatally burn your constituents.

Yes, yeah.

So, I mean, we moved away from the trash cans to just some sizzling plates.

I just sort of like the edges of the plates on fire and hope that that does the same thing.

But, you know, it's all the little touches that make a big difference for people.

You want to get those good reviews, you want people to come back, you want to have a nice time, you know, be the regular place.

You know, it's like you want people to come in that door and be like, this is somewhere where everybody knows my name.

You're glad you came.

Oh, Flower's crying.

I think, I think.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You've done a wonderful job here.

Crying is worse than the blowing.

Arnie.

Arnie.

I know.

I have to get the scroll out.

I have to get the scroll out.

Give me it.

Gotta write this one down, too.

My goddesses, Arnie.

I'm sorry, I'm a mess.

I'm a fucking mess.

No, no.

Flower, can you take a moment and just maybe

set your work aside and just chat with us?

Maybe Usidor can run the tavern, can run to tables for you.

Yeah.

Of course.

I'd gladly take over for the evening, if that helps.

Let me just...

Let's see.

You probably need a bartender.

You probably need some sort of server.

You probably need a bus person.

You need someone in the...

Are you just going to replace all the people I have doing those jobs right now?

Yes.

I'm going to split myself into four Usidors and get rid of them.

Oh, Usophors.

That's great.

Here we go.

Here I go.

Okay, here I go.

Okay, here I go.

Arnie, we're seeing a rare instance of Usophores.

Yeah.

Wow.

So this is great.

Are they going to stick around?

Before you start, are they going to stick around?

Because this is actually really good.

This vibe is very good.

And I feel like this would draw people in.

Oh, really?

We'll talk.

We'll talk about it.

Oh, you can tell those two Usidors are fucking.

Oh, yeah.

Like, right now.

Well, besides, it's okay.

Yeah, it's okay.

As long as it's not.

It is Flatter Day.

Nope, sorry.

All right.

I'll bust your table now that I'm done bussing my own.

Bussing makes them feel good.

So Flower,

are you doing all right?

No, y'all keep asking that, and every time I'm clearly saying no.

Oh, that's right.

It's okay.

I mean, I understand.

You gotta lead into it, so that's fine.

Just to, I guess, further expound,

why aren't you doing all right i can't explain it i've reached a certain age where i feel like um

you look and you're like what's what's left like where am i going yeah and um i ended up here

and it was like something awakened inside of me and it was kind of that same feeling i had when i was at the bottom of a cliff when you tried to kill me

where i really willed myself into like a different thing, where that was when I was like almost dead, and then I learned how to walk through sheer will.

So you would say when you were thrown off a cliff, that was when you were at your lowest?

Yep.

Yep.

Top off your waters.

What?

Top off your waters.

Thank you.

Just put it in the pot.

Right, right, just put it in the pot.

Yeah, there you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um, no, I think, like, part of me stayed down there, and I think I've been angry for so long.

And I lash out, and I realize that about myself is when I came in here, I even took control.

I didn't even let anybody in, I just dictated who I was.

And there's something about seeing the three of you right now that just like

we've known each other a very long time.

Oh, yeah,

and uh, it's like I could be honest with you at this point that

is that shit's tough,

right?

Yeah, like

we're busy.

We're busy.

And, like, good things are going on.

I got all these plaques on the wall.

It's like, I've done a lot of cool stuff here.

Yeah.

You know, put up a lot of plaques.

Yeah, most of these plaques you put up, but yes.

I put them up.

I was like, great day today.

And then, like, I was like,

made a taco.

You know, just really cool.

Celebrate the small victories.

Yeah.

But I guess it's my birthday today, and

to all of a sudden you surprise me like this,

because clearly you came to come see me.

Sure.

And didn't have any other intentions or reasons to be here?

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

Like,

that's fucking real.

Yeah.

You know?

Happy birthday, buddy.

Can I ask, just hypothetically, if we stayed here for a long time, like well past your birthday, would that seem less like we were here specifically for your birthday?

Uh,

no, I feel like part of me would just still accept the fact that you were here just for me and then something else came along.

Sure, sure.

Phew.

Yeah.

Because we're going to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of this podcast like all year, so we can celebrate your birthday for months and months, probably.

Okay, yeah.

Are you finished with your Gabagooseaurus hovering?

He's like two inches off the ground.

I can get you a box.

Um,

I'm not quite done.

Um,

yeah, can you stop?

He keeps trying to take my plate away.

I'm not sorry.

Don't put your hands in the plate until the customer says it's okay.

It seems like you're close to being done, so if I just leave one finger on it.

You're lifting the plate in the air and I'm dangling from it.

Please, please put it down.

Alright, there you go.

I'll be right behind you.

I forgot that when Usidor splits into Yusufors, his sort of focus is cordered.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How old are you?

I don't I don't really know how old I am because it doesn't really translate.

Flower years are a little bit different than other species years.

I'm just around until I'm not anymore, I guess.

So I don't really count it that way.

And I think that just kind of hit me really hard where I was like, oh shit.

You know?

Yeah.

Am I enjoying myself or am I just busy?

Yeah.

Yeah, and busy doesn't always mean productive.

Right, right, yeah.

Well, flower, we're old friends, at least I think so, and look, I tried to kill you at some point, so you got, you don't have to pretend anything in front of me, you can be however you are.

Okay.

I

did anyone leave room for dessert?

Oh

We don't we don't really

We don't really serve dessert here, but then sometimes we offer more food and we just dump it in, like dip it in sugar.

So it's like some of the leftover food, just so y'all know.

So, if you say you want dessert, you're just gonna get someone else's leftover food dipped in sugar.

I do want to try the pudding, but is that savory pudding?

That's more of like a blood pudding, that's like a breakfast kind of thing.

That's right.

Can I do the blood pudding for dessert?

We'll humor a dessert menu.

Thank you.

Ah, very good.

Here is a tiny, tiny dessert menu for each one of you.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

And here's a magnifying glass for each one of you to read the tiny dessert.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Kind of like the waiters to have their own spin on things.

So everybody's got like a gimmick that they come to the table with.

Like someone's got like tiny menu.

Yeah, I noticed this Usidor who's waiting on us has still has a wizard hat, but he has one of those like propellers on the top of it.

It looks very cool.

It looks dumb, right?

Oh, yeah, cool.

Yeah, it's cool.

Yeah, you're right.

It's cool.

It was very cool how dumb he looks.

Well, at least we don't have that other Usidor over there that has just sat down at the table with the people and is like talking to them and taking their order, but is sitting at their table.

Oh, he's staring at an empty plate and saying, I see you hated it.

Oh.

So good.

I try to train all the waiters.

I want everybody to do the thing where you lean over the person at the table and just carve your name backwards into the table just to tell them who you are.

Oh, now that usider is putting on the check in front of a kid and saying, here you go, I know you're paying for this, and then chuckling.

He's tossling his hair.

Come on.

I really stuck into that kid.

Oh, wait, the kid's pulling out gold.

Oh, I guess he is.

Oh, okay.

Oh, now I look better.

Yeah, kids paying.

Yeah.

That's a rich kid.

Oh, oh, yes, that's.

Of course.

I forgot.

It's been a few years since we've been here.

That's that.

It's Richard Wealthy.

He's been perpetually wealthy

his whole life.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't his dad die by jumping into a pool full of gold coins?

That's right.

Broke his neck.

That's right.

Oh, shit.

Lucky duck.

Richard Wealthy, how rich can he get?

Is that rhetorical?

Feels like that was a setup for something that none of us got.

Are you all finished there, sir?

Put it down.

Put it down.

I will say that kid is wearing a tuxedo, but the pants are shorts.

And I do like that look.

So maybe at some point I'm going to try that out.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, tuxedo, but with shorts.

I think you should.

Thank you.

A tuck shorto.

Tuck shorto.

I need to start wearing a tuck shorto.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got a better one.

Wait, wait, wait.

Roll it back.

Roll it back.

A tuxedo.

Okay.

It goes to your knees.

It's a tux neededo.

Oh.

I don't know if that's better.

Tuck shorto sounded better.

Tux shorto.

Roll it back.

It's a tuck shorto.

Um, I guess

I just want to say that I think I'm good.

I just appreciated friends being here that I could talk to for a minute.

Because this is just kind of feels like shit that we go through, right?

Like that kind of every now and then you kind of assess, and if you think too hard about it, you're like, oh, fuck.

And then, like, you kind of get over it.

I'm glad you trusted us enough to tell us.

Oh, it looks like one of the usidors is joining...

Joining us.

Sorry for my intrusion, but this round of drinks is on the bartender.

That Usidor said he's a friend of yours.

He's winking very aggressively.

Should I send him a message?

Or

is he bothering you?

If he's bothering you, I can get rid of him.

Put down my plate, please.

Sorry, are you all finished, sir?

No, you, whatever Yusador, you are, have a seat.

Join our friend Flowers sharing some

personal news with us, being very vulnerable.

And I think even if it's one-fourth of Usidor's charm and talent, I think would be appreciated.

Oh, thank you.

Yes.

I'm sorry, Usidor.

uh yes uh could we have see a dessert menu please uh here we are it's a very tiny dessert menu and of course uh magnifying when you thank you when you put yourself back together yes

what what happens like is it uh is it like a wide open mouth absorbing everybody in comes in through the mouth Do you open up like a stacking doll?

Do you just like phase into each other?

I have a lot of logistical questions.

We can do all of those things.

Oh, cool.

But my favorite one is to go outside, get as far away from each other as possible, and run as fast as we can towards each other.

We'll just see what happens.

Okay, promise me that a little bit later we'll all try that.

Okay.

Flower, you're laughing.

Yeah, this is great.

And honestly, like, I gotta say,

I definitely just share this level of intimacy with all of you and not with everybody that comes into the bar.

Sure.

I need you to believe me.

Like, the devil, if you ask anybody here, like, they don't know me, I'm just here, but like, I'm not

sharing this deep level.

And it's also, I'm also not always drinking.

Flower, we're special and unique to you.

That's right.

I always believe that sort of thing when the owner of a business makes me feel that way.

Yep.

Absolutely.

Oh, I think some people at the other table are trying to get your attention.

Oh, okay.

Wait one second.

I gotta go over there.

Hold on one second.

I'm so sorry.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Okay, how's everything going?

It's good.

Pretty good.

Yeah, I'm doing terribly.

I gotta fucking tell you right now.

You know, come a shit.

Tell us all about this, huh?

Listen, I don't, I can't stay too long because I got these assholes over here that I kind of know, and I just gotta tell you that, like, shit's been rough, and it's bad.

It's real bad.

Could I spend some of my fabulous wealth to help you out?

Ugh.

I would never force you to do that, but there is a boot.

In the front over there.

Okay.

And if you want to put anything in that boot, it's gonna go straight to my well-being.

You've got it, Arnie Usidor.

Yeah, yes, it seems like Flower is like upset, and it feels like that family over there is comforting her.

Yeah, does it seem like Flower likes that table as much as they like this table?

Doesn't seem possible to me.

I do see there's a plaque on the wall that I missed that says, When you're here, your therapy.

Okay, guys, you're great, great.

I actually gotta go to a third table over here.

Hold on one second.

I'm so sorry to leave you.

And then I gotta go.

Have a great time.

Have a great time.

How's everything going over here?

Ah, you fucking ducks.

Listen, I love you fucking ducks more than I have known you ducks for 20 years.

Would that seem possible?

Yeah, yeah.

Can you believe it?

Here's what I promised you.

You're my best fucking friends.

I have never loved anybody more than I love you fucking ducks.

I'm quinking quink.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to buy a house together?

Put it on my bill.

That's great.

That's great.

Love you guys.

Okay, whatever you want.

Everything's on the house.

Their value store over there is paying.

Are you dumb with that song?

Quink, quack, quack, quack, quack.

All right, I'm back.

I'm back.

I'm back.

I'm back.

I'm so sorry about that.

That was crazy.

Flower.

Yeah.

There's no wrong answer to this question.

Okay.

Are you fucking scamming everybody in this bar, including us?

Oh, I knew it.

That's my flower.

Classic.

No rush.

It's been roughed.

I'm just weaponizing it.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, let's take a break.

So, flower, if this is a tavern and a bar and a shithole, but the tavern part of it, do you have rooms that we could rent?

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now,

do you want a good room?

Hmm.

Because we got one of those.

We got one good room, and everything else is pretty bad.

There's always a major element missing from every other room that you would want to make a complete room.

But I'm just trying to maximize the space, you know?

Let me ask my friends, Chunk,

do you want a good room or do you want one of those shitty rooms?

But down my plant.

Sorry.

Um I guess if I had my drothers, probably probably the good room.

Ani, do you want a good room or one of the shitty rooms?

Well, first of all, it doesn't sound like good room is available, but I definitely don't want the extra shitty room.

Like, maybe Usidor, should you take that one?

The extra shitty one?

Yeah, because you can magic up a roof or a bed or whatever is missing.

If you want the good room to be available, I do have some knives available.

We're all right.

Okay.

Let's see.

The extra shitty room.

I know what I'll do.

I'll make you Sadora sleep in there.

Got him.

Because, yeah, Flower, I think we're going to be in Hogsface for a while.

We're on kind of a secret mission looking for something.

We don't know what it is, but I don't know.

It would just be nice to have this as our home base for a while.

Yeah, by all means, you can fucking stay.

I really don't give a shit.

Like, hang out, do your thing.

I'm in and out.

Like, I'm mostly like, today I'm in.

But, like, don't expect that all the time because, like, there are people who are working here and it's not always me, you know?

Like,

and I'm not beholden to a schedule because I'm just sort of running the place.

But that's a loose, that's a, we all have a loose understanding about what that means.

Sure.

How is your life outside of running the tavern?

It's bad, Wiley.

This has been pretty much like the big thing that's going on.

I've been hanging out a little bit with Caballon because he's in the forest.

So that's been nice.

But it's like, again, we're not putting any fucking labels on it.

Sure.

It makes sense.

A tree and a flower would hang out.

Just keeping it.

Yeah, last time, though, I feel like we were all in the same place together.

You two were all.

I don't mind my saying, you two are kind of all over each other.

Yeah, yeah.

We were hot and heavy.

But again, trying to give each other space when we need it.

Sure.

Seeing what's going on, I don't really like it.

I've been mostly busy here.

And this is, I guess, the thing that I've been looking for that i didn't know

you know you mentioned that you're searching for something and you don't know what it is

sometimes that sometimes that thing is is you

have you considered that you've been searching for you all along

i have but that's because there are four of me that's true i can't wait for you to get get back together and then i'm gonna insist that we all run at each other too just to see what happens Sure.

I really want to see what happens.

Yeah.

But yeah, hang out.

Do whatever you want.

This sounds great.

This place has been great.

I'm telling you, the food's good.

The people are questionable, but like the right level of questionable.

Like, it's kind of fun.

Like, you kind of keep it interesting.

We got a little machine over there where you can, like, put a photo in and then search for stuff in the photo.

Just to like to see if you can find all the elements of the photo.

You can hunt for them.

You know, that's a lot of fun.

Any, do they have anything like that on Earth?

Not exactly as described.

Well,

it's a very common flower thing to put in a

photosynthesized leaf and then to look for all the differences in the leaf.

You know, you just put your little photo in there and you just look all over it.

Yeah, and sometimes after hours or in certain taverns or pubs, they'll have like a leaf with a bikini.

And you have to spot like the sexy differences.

Yeah, you know.

Or if they also have slurp machines.

Oh, I haven't played the slurps in a while.

Arnie, do you have a silver coin?

Wait, those are legal in Hogsface now?

Slurp machines?

Do they pay out?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they do.

Oh, Arnie, the ooze from a slurp machine, when it pays out, slurp, slurp, slurp.

If you're really lucky, you might have a weird uncle who has a leisurely flare back at home.

I think I'm going to save my coins for the puke box.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you can also just hit it with your elbow.

Oh, because I'm cool.

Yeah, it's going to puke either way.

Yeah, sure.

If you hit anything with your elbow, it's going to puke, Arnie.

See, watch.

Sorry, I'm a sympathetic puker.

Are you all...

Are you done with that stuff?

Put it down.

Sorry.

Oh, you know what?

I'm sorry.

No.

Oh, fuck.

He walked away.

I am done.

Why did I say put it down?

I was done.

He's never coming back.

Yeah, fuck.

Now he's ignoring me.

He just flew into the sky.

He walked out the back door.

Damn it, I need that.

You throw it back, Chunt.

I'm sorry.

Ah, fuck.

Now he's just going to be flying into the sky with your empty plate.

I'm going to be under a table for just a minute.

What's going on down here?

So Flower, I um I'm not immortal anymore.

What?

Not immortal.

Wait, you were before?

Yeah, crazy, right?

That's fucking wild.

Catch this night.

I'm so sorry.

I had to see.

Arnie, I don't know if you saw, but right in between the slurp machines and the puke box, there's like a merch stand.

What?

That's selling like a ruffled feather merch.

And one of the pieces of merch was a big cliff with what looked like a painting of you going over the side of it.

With the painting of me, wait, as I look at it now, me being thrown off a cliff?

I guess so.

And it says revenge?

Stick around as long as you want.

Thank you, I will.

What could that possibly mean, Arnie?

I don't know.

It's spelled exactly how you pronounced it, revenge.

Revenge.

Is it she, the beautiful cliff I built out back?

I only mentioned it because I just want to make sure that if this shit sells, that you get a cut, right?

Because that's your likeness.

Oh, wait, that's supposed to be me?

I think so.

Pink polo, jeans, the shoes you always shoe.

It's screaming, I'm Arnie.

Oh, yeah.

The clues were all there from the beginning.

Pink polo, jeans, and the boots with the fur, with the fur, and the pushing was happening by her.

He hit the floor.

Next thing you know, Arnie got low, low, low, low at the bottom of a fucking cliff.

Chunt, Chunt, we're gonna stay under this table.

It sounds like there's singing going on up there.

Boots with the fur.

Next thing is our

I was just catching up a flower on all of our amazing adventures since we've seen her last.

Ending the animal war and everything that Chunt has sacrificed, and of course.

Oh, sorry, I'm going to pull this knife out of your shoulder here.

Ow!

Ow!

And what else?

What else?

Who let that fucking goat behind the bar?

Give me a second.

What are you doing?

Oh, grapes.

Grapes, come here.

Grapes, come here.

Grapes come.

Sorry.

Grapes, get out of here.

What are you just stepping on the wine?

Did you fall in the wine?

You're embarrassing, man.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

Grapes leave.

Grapes leave.

Grape leave.

Ah, full of wrath!

Pretty damn hungry again.

Flower, before we wrap this episode up, we're gonna be here for a while, and we kind of are gonna try to be a little bit more proactive lately.

Like, while we're in town, is there any like side quest you'd like to give us something that we can do to help you out?

Oh.

Um,

okay, I'm glad things kind of going here.

This is good.

I'm happy with the changes I've made here.

Got that cliff out back that I'm working on.

Just gonna keep working on that, chipping away, making sure it's nice and high

when you say working on uh you're you're building a cliff from the ground up yep working on my night cliff how how

it's chipping away night by night how tall is it already at this point how tall is it oh i'm not good at height i was just i'm very ambitious in what i think things are and i don't know but i would say like it's gotta be like a

couple

horses tall a couple horses horses yeah okay so handful of horses

It's not the biggest cliff.

Nah, not yet.

But I'm working on it.

Every night I kind of chip away.

Gotta have a passion project.

Again, you guys know what I'm doing?

Absolutely.

You gotta be working on something other than work, you know?

I didn't realize this was a cliff bar.

On that note,

everyone come with me outside.

Everyone, everyone, come on.

Let's go outside.

Okay.

All right.

Gotta run it to the ducks.

Ducks.

Let's go see what's going on outside.

Hey, kid, how rich can you get?

I'm the richest kid in all town, mister.

Do you need some money?

I'm happy to loan it to you.

No, that's alright.

I was just

hoping someone would say...

You're never gonna know till you met.

Can I be on your show next week?

You can if I can have one of your...

I want to say fuck Squidos.

What did she call them?

Tuck Squid Shortos?

Tuck Shortos.

Tuck Shortos.

Tuck Squidos.

Also, kid, I need you to shut the fuck up because you're going to make me lose my liquor license.

Okay, yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm not here.

You never saw me.

Great.

See you.

See you never.

All right, everyone.

Gather around.

The usidors are about to run into each other.

Watch us.

I forgot about that.

Here we go.

Oh, this is funny.

All four usidors are trying to corral the crowd.

They're all trying to take the lead.

No, I've got, I don't want to.

I want to be the one.

Oops, four principles, right?

And then when I say we go

on the count of three,

one,

two,

three.

Usura, how you feeling, buddy?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, did I split myself into four?

Yeah, you did.

Oh, I shouldn't use a four anymore.

Ah, I have such a terrible hangover afterwards.

Well, but you also made 84 gold coin and tips.

Oh, not too shabby.

I gotta say, when that one flew in from the sky and dove right into that into that mess, that was beautiful.

I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Although I will say, Yusador, you do have a plate embedded in the top of your head.

Yeah.

Yeah, that'll happen when you try to just run as fast as you can and combine yourself back into one.

You pick up some extra bits and bobs.

Well, Usidor, Arnie, Flower, Ducks,

Rich Kid and Family, why don't we all go to the Verse Similitude Minotaur and drinks are on Usidor?

Yay!

Yay!

Also, you said side quest.

Side quest, we should all prepare to run a marathon.

Okay, shit.

All right, writing this down.

Arnie, can that be a Patreon?

We gotta start training.

Yeah, probably.

We gotta start training.

Couch to marathon.

Arnie, wouldn't it be fun if we ran an actual marathon with a microphone?

Wouldn't that be fun?

Let's do it.

Verbal contract.

We're doing it.

Would not be the first audio of me shitting my pants.

Wait, why are we going to a different bar to spend money?

Oh, yeah.

All right, everyone, get back in the ruffled feather.

Get back in there.

And they piled back into the ruffled feather, once again narrowly avoiding making narrative progress.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rathai.

Flower, the Talking Flower, was played by special guest Brooke Bright.

Brooke is currently directing one of the games in the Jackbox Party Pack 11, coming this fall.

Catch Brooke on stage in Chicago with the improvised Shakespeare Company.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, you shiftless parasites, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan.

Magic Tavern Theme by Andy Poland.