Season 5, Ep 63 - Bridge Troll Now (w/ Padraic Connelly)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And if I have my Earth calendar working correctly, our live shows are currently underway, with all of our central cast on the road.

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Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Cavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Fu.

Oh, sorry.

John, can you move your arm a little bit?

We're a little tight.

Yeah.

Sorry.

And you said our

three of us riding on this upside-down camel is not comfortable.

The camel has a name, Arnie.

That's Spider-Man.

Thank you.

Can we actually, before I can we just dismount off of this camel?

Sure, I suppose so.

I just don't want to do the show, like, all bunched up on top of this camel's junk, essentially.

Also, we hadn't talked about too much, but riding on this upside-down camel, why do I have to take the junk seat?

Well, someone's got to take it.

Well, seniority, you know,

I've been here the longest, then Shanton, you've only been here about 10 years.

So,

you know, you're working your way up there, pal.

Okay, fine.

All right, I'm getting off.

Ooh, it turns out I have some of those magical grapes left as a little snack.

How about we divvy them up

based on seniority?

Oh.

So let's give Isaura get some, and then I'll get some, and then Arnie, I'm so sorry.

It looks like there's none left.

I'm so mad about it.

I don't even remember what these magical grapes do.

Oh, they taste like whatever you want them to taste like.

Mine tastes like grapes

mine tastes like

raisins you guys are doing it so wrong magic is wasted on you guys we don't talk about this enough but magic is wasted on you guys well what would you do with magic if you uh since you're such a big hot shot now i'd make it taste like a plan to defeat the dark lord although we already defeated the dark lord i don't know fuck it you're right magic would be wasted on me too hello from the magic tavern

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niecamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is it.

This is kind of what it is.

You've already gotten a sense of it.

However, if you need to know a little bit more, 10 years and a couple of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast here in the magical land of Foon.

On the road back to Hogsface.

Guys, does that feel like good branding?

The road back?

On the road back to Hogsface.

On the road sounds kind of dumb.

Nothing good could have that name, probably.

Yeah.

Maybe Camelin' Up.

Humping along.

Upside down camel trek.

Yeah.

You guys are really focusing on the upside-down camel aspect of what's going on with us.

I

more want to focus on that.

So with great responsibility comes great power.

Ooh, speaking of responsibility, someone has to clean the camel.

Why don't we choose who does that?

By

I want to say

seniority.

I think Arnie.

I think Arnie's been here the least amount of time.

So Arnie, you clean up Spider-Man, please.

Have you guys considered delegating this task based on who would do it well?

Hmm.

Because I would probably do it worse.

It might be a close race between you and I, Chunt, but you sort of would do it the best.

Thank you.

Maybe it might burn the camel.

Oh, Arnie, remember.

Oh, they...

Well, Chunt, the best way to clean anything is fire.

We all know that.

Oh.

Yeah,

let's just cremate this camel.

No, we saved this camel's life.

We saved this camel.

We can't just burn it immediately the next episode.

Ah, but cremating it would be so easy.

But look, if we burn it, we can't say like, it's more like that camel rescued us.

Huh.

Don't know what that means.

Arnie, remember a few years ago when you gave us all senior superlatives?

I think you were Arson Arnie.

I think I was Clever Chunt, but it was meant to be sarcastic.

Yes.

There was no alliterative thing for Usidor, unfortunately.

Underwear Usidor doesn't even track, doesn't sound right.

It sounds like two different words.

Yeah, because also you never wear underwear.

Why would I?

Yeah.

How am I supposed to set things on fire if I'm wearing underwear?

Unfortunately, I know that with too much confidence.

Oh, guys, we must be, we must be getting close to Hogsface again because look, it's the Ashed Bridge.

I always remember that's sort of the bridge in and out of the Hogsface area.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, the trek home.

What a wonderful opportunity this is to relive all those wonderful memories of years gone by.

Ooh, a long day's journey into night.

That's what we call this.

I like that a lot.

Yeah.

How do you spell night?

Excuse me, pardon me.

Oh, welcome to the Asher Bridge.

If you could please have your name, reason for crossing ready, and also your R-Pass on hand or your QR code.

Ah, welcome, friend.

Tis I, Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, known to the Elves as Fearing Yulk, known to the Dwarves as Zoranook Sangies, and known throughout the Northeast as gasmanius may star and here i present to you my r-pass

oh you got the old one what oh you've got the old one that's all right it's still valid for a few more months oh yeah you need yeah we have new ones now his name is arnie

yeah and i'm not wait wait i'm the old one uh do you have you have a qr code oh i don't have any of those things clovis you remember me this is i and i think i remember you you're clovis the bridge troll from ashen bridge yeah absolutely no no no.

I've met you a few times.

I remember everyone who's crossed over this bridge, but you know, I've got a job to do.

There's a procedure for everything, there's rules for everything.

I'm just here to follow them.

That's all.

Clovis, it's so good to see you again.

Oh, my God.

This is, I feel like we recorded with you, I want to say, like, a month ago?

Maybe a month and a half ago?

I think it was closer to like six years ago.

Huh.

Sorry, I'm using troll years, by the way.

Oh, so troll years are probably not close to human years.

Almost a one-for-one.

Hmm.

They're just slightly faster.

Yeah, it's just a couple days' difference.

Yeah, we've got 360 days in a troll year.

I see.

So we haven't seen you since the end of season two when we were escaping Hogsface?

Well, I haven't seen you since you're escaping Hogsface.

I think it was more of like a springtime.

Yes, Arnie, I don't think Clovis is going to understand your concept of seasons.

Oh, oh, sure.

Yeah, well, it's nice to see you all again.

I should let you know,

Mr.

the Wizard, that your R-Pass is still good, but it's only good for three more months.

You've got to upgrade to a QR code before that time.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you riddles anytime you cross over the bridge.

How do I get this QR code?

It's literally the exact same process you went through to get the R-Pass.

Okay.

You just have to do it again.

What does QR stand for?

Quizzes in riddles.

The original R-Pass was only good for riddles.

We've added so many other ways to cross the bridge now.

We've got quizzes, we've got trivia questions, we've got math problems, logical conundrums.

If you want to, we can also just ask you probing questions and see how you make it through those.

It's entirely up to you.

Oh.

Would it be possible if I gave you this slightly malleable gold coin and you just gave it a little chew?

Could you pay with that Bitcoin?

Let me see that for a moment.

Yeah, there you are.

Yeah, I'll.

Oh, yeah, you know, I can accept this.

And once again, I have to reiterate: your R-Pass is still good.

You didn't need to pay me anything.

Oh.

Well, can I have that back then?

Oh, that's Usador.

Usador always spends all his money.

Oh, I thought we'd already concluded the haggling.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's that's okay.

But now, Clovis, I don't have an R pass or a QR code.

Um,

oh, do you accept like ploys?

Like, if I were just to sort of be like, just like pretend like I'm talking to someone on the other side of the bridge, like, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, and then kind of just sort of try to walk.

I didn't see anyone.

Hey, oh, okay.

Yeah, okay, good.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

I'm right there.

I'm coming over.

Oh, that's.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

No, first of all, I do accept ploys.

Now you're coming technically from the other direction now that you've made it past me.

So still you're on the hook for this one.

Oh, shit.

Well, it's all right.

Like I said, if you don't like riddles, we've got all sorts of other options for you.

Times, they are a changing, are they not?

Have there been a lot of updates in the bridge crossing industry?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, things change faster than you think.

You know, once a bridge gets popular, it gets crowded, and then you've got to build another bridge slightly farther up the river, and then you've got to build another bridge, and next thing you know, you've got ferries, and you've got people flying over.

So many ways you've got to ask people questions before you let them on the way.

I'm just doing field workers just to change a pace.

I'm usually in the office now.

Ooh, pencil pusher.

No,

please don't use the term pencil pusher.

That's still a sore point.

Well, why?

That's quite hard.

Why is it sore?

Maybe I think things are so much different.

Technology changes.

You no longer have to handwrite out all of your riddles and questions.

It's all printed up.

Oh.

They just sort of press the questions onto the page.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

They have this thing where they can print the press now.

And I'm sure that...

But it must save you a lot of time.

And just think you can just imagine something that you'd want to be written out, and then you'd put it into this press, and there it is for you.

Oh, so we're not even getting like bespoke riddles, trivia questions, or probing questions?

No.

All I do is I sit in a room with a small demon that has a stenographer's pad, and I ask it riddles, ask it questions, math problems, things like that.

Things you would like to see in the last page of the newspaper, like, ooh, what if we took all the letters in a phrase, but then made them different letters?

What was the original phrase?

And now it just churns them out.

You ask it for anything within five seconds.

Oh, here's another riddle for you.

But there's no soul to it.

There's no art to it.

Yes, yes, right.

Right,

I would sneak across, but I'm trying to kind of keep Spider-Man on a leash here.

Don't want to leave him behind.

I don't seem to know where my R-Pass is.

Could I get a QR pass?

And ideally, I kind of hate riddles.

Could I go with the quiz portion?

Oh, absolutely.

I can give you a trivia quiz.

What is your strongest subject, and what is your weakest subject?

Ooh, my strongest subject?

I would probably say

Arnie.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Inside Arnie?

You know it all.

Yeah.

Probably my weakest subject would be

colors of the world.

All right.

That is correct.

Question number two.

Oh, that was the question.

That was question number one.

That one was correct.

Question number two.

If you were at a magical buffet and they only had one food available and that was the only food you could eat ever, what would you want that buffet to have?

Grapes.

Shit, I should have said magical grapes.

Grapes.

Yeah.

Oh, did you want to change your answer?

You haven't locked in yet.

Well, hold on.

Point of order.

It's a magical buffet.

So wouldn't anything there be magical?

So if you say grapes, it's presumed that they're magical grapes.

Oh, okay.

Right?

Oh.

See, this is exactly the sort of thing that would have been quad in quality control before we outsourced everything to a little demon that just spits things back at you.

All right, I'm going to scrub question two, but first of all, just so you know, that was the right answer if you'd gone with it.

Oh, phew.

Okay.

All right.

That's two.

We've got eight more to go.

All right.

Question number three.

Following this question, how many questions remain in the quiz?

Seven.

That is correct.

I knew that one.

Oh, did you have a different answer?

No, no, I don't want to object.

And also, I'm terrible at math.

So.

I was just excited that I knew the correct answer.

Yes.

Very fun.

Question number four.

How's things going?

Not great, but pretty good.

Arnie,

that should cover a lot of bases.

I think so, right?

Yeah.

I was just.

That's technically correct.

I was just wondering if there's anything you wanted to ask me.

No, I'm good.

All right.

That's not even part of the official quiz, but there was a chance for a bonus point there.

This is all on a point system?

Yeah, you got to get at least an 80%, but that's also troll percentages, so a little bit off.

I'd like to use my pass to a friend option, so the remaining questions I'd love to give to

how should I decide?

Seniority, Arnie.

Oh, so.

Alright, so

this is a very unorthodox move, but it is one of your three lifelines that you are allowed is simply passing it to a different person.

If I use all three, I die.

All right.

Question number four.

Question number five.

That sounds right.

Yeah, go, take.

Well, there was a question for me, which I always count as five, but they said I had to stop asking it.

It was too probing and unprofessional.

What was the probing unprofessional one?

The probing unprofessional one was, are there any medical dramas you're going through right now?

Well, all of them.

Ooh.

Also, that's another reason.

I mean, I'm self-diagnosed.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, the pits.

And how does that make you feel?

Dread.

But also, it's weird that I'm kind of a hypochondriac, but I also think that I'm going to be okay.

It's a weird combo, my personality.

I'm kind of unique.

That is correct.

Moving on.

Question number six.

All right.

Which hand has the coin in it?

Hmm.

Now, can I ask clarifying questions?

I'm not asking for the answer.

I'm just trying to make sure I understand the question.

Does it have to be one of your...

This is your second lifeline?

You have one more before you die.

Oh, shit.

This is not a satisfying lifeline, but okay.

Is it one of your hands?

Like, it's not a a tricky lateral question where it could be anybody's hands.

Or is it?

Oh, fuck shit.

That's also, that is the correct answer.

It could be in anybody's hand.

You have no way of knowing.

Oh, okay.

Nice.

Okay.

I like that.

That's good.

On to question number seven.

All right.

Three questions.

One lifeline left.

Also, I've got to say, Clovis, I don't know if you're open to feedback.

Oh, yes.

I really, and this is positive feedback.

Oh, good.

I actually find it thrilling when you're like, or is it?

I feel like that's a ploy we should all use more often.

Like, oh, yeah.

Let's just sort of like try to make it happen.

Keep people on their toes.

Yeah.

Oh,

I use that whenever the magistrate of a local town is like, you have committed laws against nature.

I go, or they?

Wait, hold on.

I have a question for you, Usidor.

People are committing.

People are committing laws against nature.

Oh, shit.

Well, that's it.

Yes.

Arnie, you never ask a question in the middle of a

troll's question.

Big mistake.

Oh, fuck.

Now,

Mr.

Clovis, what are the consequences here?

That's a question.

Yeah, technically, unless it's a clarifying question, you're not supposed to ask a question to the questionnaire.

It creates a whole double-negative paradoxical situation.

And in that case, it's just questions all the way down at that point.

Oh, so it's just kind of annoying.

He doesn't have to guard the bridge or anything.

No, but Well, no, it does make the next three questions I'm going to ask extraordinarily difficult.

Oh, no.

All right.

Can I pass it along to you, Sidor?

Technically, that would be a reuse of the first lifeline.

So that's not three lifelines used.

It's just using the first one again.

So, yeah, feel free.

Oh, great.

Yeah, I'm going to reuse my first lifeline.

All right.

Okay.

Very well.

And I am curious.

I do apologize, you Sidor.

I am curious.

What laws of nature did you break?

Yeah.

No, no, as Audi correctly pointed out, I've committed laws against nature.

Oh.

Since I am good, I don't commit a crime against nature.

I commit a law against nature.

I see.

So I, for instance, I decide,

birds all fly upside down now.

And then I cast a spell, and then a magistrate or some other sort of lowly person is angry at me.

But please, Clovis, ask you away.

Name one of the five secret colours of the rainbow.

Exclusion.

That is correct.

Question number eight.

This is the home stretch now.

I'm so glad I didn't have that color one, Arnie.

Yeah, John, why?

What's the deal with that?

Oh, no, I didn't know.

I've known you for so long, and I didn't know you were colorblind.

Yeah, I don't see color.

All right, this is question number eight.

This is this one.

This is one of my favorites.

This is one of the few that I wrote personally that they have let me keep in the quiz.

Oh, fuck.

All Alright.

If it's noon, where is the sun in the sky?

If it's noon,

where is the sun in the sky?

Oh, I know it.

Oh, John, what is it?

Usidor doesn't have a sun.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think so.

Unless kid Usidor.

Yeah, I mean, I vaguely remember he.

We've been doing this show so long.

Like, I mean...

Does Usidor.

Oh my god, Chun, this this is so terrible.

I don't know you're colorblind, and I'm not 100% confident I know if Usidar has a son.

How am I supposed to know that my co-worker of 10 years has a kid?

He doesn't have any pictures up on his hat.

Well, I have to assume you mean the son of the goddesses, which we all know that the son of the one of the sons of the goddesses is, of course, Bruce the Sky God.

So when it's noon, Bruce the Sky God is

the sky.

It was a long walk, but we got there that is correct what's the short version of that what's the short version of that

above

yeah

well um we might be above an oven if we don't uh take a quick little break just to kind of hydrate and everything so why don't we do that and we'll come back with uh clovis is the final two questions

uh again you're not supposed to ask questions in the middle of questions so they're going to be much more difficult now sorry is it or

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Jusidor, how are you doing with these questions?

Are they making you nervous?

Well, a little bit nervous.

I mean,

imagine we couldn't cross a bridge.

I guess the stakes aren't that high.

Oh.

Also, you could fly.

Yeah.

Also, there's another bridge like just over there.

I don't know why we always take the Ashett bridge.

They've been building a lot of bridges, so we got a lot of choices here.

It has the best view, Arnie.

Look at this view.

It is quite beautiful.

Yeah.

All right.

That is, I think, enough of a deliberation time.

Are you ready for your final two questions?

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

What was that?

The lighting in drama.

Crazy.

Yeah.

And when I say in here, I mean outside.

I'm telling you,

the pace that technology moves when an industry starts discovering new avenues of creating revenue is simply staggering.

It's true.

Before this, there was one single bridge to cross this river.

And now you look upstream, you look downstream.

There's four bridges within sight.

That's collectively, not in each direction.

That would be crazy.

It is weird.

I can almost touch this other bridge.

Like, right, I'm over on the edge here.

Oh, my finger.

Like, I'm tall, sure, but I can literally almost touch the other bridge.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do do it.

I would not touch the other bridge.

What happens if I touch the other bridge?

You touch the other.

Look, that is my cousin, Mark, who runs that bridge.

And now you're going to be in two quiz competitions at the same time, and you're going to be playing against yourselves.

Ooh, you'd be bridging the bridge, Arnie.

Oh, it sounds pretty good.

I don't bridge the bridge.

Okay.

All right.

Although I've got a sneaking suspicion, before this episode is over, I might meet Mark.

I'm just saying, you don't want to.

Look, I love him.

You know, I got him the job.

It was a favor.

He needed something to do.

You know, he tried a bunch of other things.

And it's not that he's not talented.

He's a great guy.

Sure.

But he just needed a little leg up, just a little, you know, just a little something.

And,

you know, you've got to have a passion for this job.

Yeah.

It's got to be in your heart.

You can't just show up clocking.

Oh, I'm going to guard the bridge and ask people questions.

Oh, I've eaten a goat.

I'm going to go home now.

No, there's so much more to it.

And

he'll get there.

Clovis going to ask: if Mark is your cousin, does he sort of sound like you, but with one distinct difference?

Well, I guess so.

We grew up in the same area, and we, you know, hung out around the same people.

But I guess you could say, you know, if you blindfolded yourself, which, again, I would not do in the middle of the contest.

Some of this may be visual questions.

But if you were to blindfold yourself and have us both speak, you could probably pick us apart.

Okay.

And I got to ask, not to be rude,

Clovis Mark.

Who named Mark?

Because they got the same thing, man.

It's a weird name.

My uncle Jeffrey.

That makes sense.

He's a good, good guy, but when it comes to having and naming kids, his heart's just not in it.

He didn't really have.

You know, it's one of those things.

You've got to be passionate.

You've got to love the kid from the get-go before you give it a name.

Or you've got to grow to love it.

But it's tough for trolls, too.

Clovis, you're making a lot of excuses for this branch of the family.

Okay, it's just, you know, my Uncle Jeff, my cousin Mark, and

my Aunt Mary Josephine,

the three of them, I don't want to call them the black sheep of the family because, you know, they're not sheep.

They're made of rock, like me.

Right.

So if I'm getting this straight, not only does Mark have a bad name, just like a gross bad name, but he has it because his parents didn't love him enough when he was born.

Well, yeah, it's a common thing amongst troll babies.

You know,

it's born and, you know, oh, congratulations, it's a troll.

And, you know, sometimes it just doesn't spark the fire in the heart right away.

It takes a few years.

And then, you know, and it takes, you know, we're talking troll years, too.

But it can't be like a surprise if two trolls have a baby that their baby is a troll, right?

Like, you can't be like, oh, how disappointing.

Our baby is a troll, right?

I'm sorry, do you not know the troll reproductive cycle?

I suppose I guess I don't.

Any, this sounds like your territory.

I'm so excited.

But just emotionally.

Like, intrigued.

I'm so intrigued.

I just want to be 100% clear.

This is not one of the questions.

This is not related to the quiz.

We are still on a timeout from the quiz.

We've got two questions left.

Extra difficult now.

But basically, you know, one troll meets another troll.

I met Bridget, and the two of us had a connection right away.

And, you know, the two of you, you know, things get hot and heavy.

One troll loves another.

There's hand-holding.

There's rock rubbing.

There's facial shearing.

And the next thing you know, you know, you've eroded away some little pebbles and some shale and things like that.

and you know five six centuries later they've grown up into trolls sure chunt chunt yeah did he say he said rock rubbing i was

exactly exactly my question buddy i can't tell if we've spent too much time together or

just exactly cousin tut tut tut senior member here clovis you know this sounds like a beautiful thing that happens between two trolls that love each other

but over those centuries that those new rocks form a new troll life,

you're saying that you don't immediately love it.

It takes some time.

Oh, absolutely.

You know, because at first, you know,

it's just like, oh my gosh, this place is so dusty.

Oh, what a mess.

We should probably sweep or something.

And then you realize, oh, no, it's not dust, it's kids.

And, you know, if you're not, if you're not.

Wait, tiny kids?

Well, like tiny, dust-sized kids?

Yeah, well, you know, well, for a troll, it's dust-size.

Yeah.

Yeah, they start off, you know, as little dusts and bits of rock and pebble.

And, you know, eventually, as long as they're getting proper nutrition and care, they're going to grow up to be big, strong trolls after three, four hundred years.

Okay.

I feel your pain, for I often conjure entities into existence, and those beings, who knows where they end up.

I mean, I conjure all sorts of little horses and

probably

a dad, probably have a kid somewhere.

You know, I could have a son.

Who knows?

But does he?

Does he?

But I don't think he knows any more than we do.

No, so

here's a parallel right here.

If you were this little horse that you've conjured up, what's its name and its life story?

Great question.

Couldn't tell you.

Don't care.

See, it's exactly the same thing.

Now, if you were to continue riding this conjured horse around or talking to, I assume it's magical and it talks.

But, you know, but if you spend three four hundred years getting to know this horse you'll probably be pretty fond of it and by then you'd be ready to give it a name you know what I was judging you before and now I take it all back for I have egg upon mine face Arnie a magical horse think about it it could taste like anything

grapes

Next horse I get I'm naming it grapes

we

we will definitely get another horse.

Oh, found one.

Hardy, look, I found one.

This is grapes.

I knight the grapes.

Is this anybody's horse?

Is this Mark?

Is this sorry?

Hey, Mark.

Yeah.

He sounds just like him.

Yeah,

I know.

I know.

Sorry.

Hi, Mark.

I'm Chunt.

Hi, I'm Mark the Bridge Troll.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

My name is Mark.

I'm a troll.

No, I got that.

We got it.

We're friends with your cousin.

I love Clovis.

Is he with you?

Boy.

Clovis, are you here?

Are you available?

Just tell him I'm out.

Tell him I'm out.

Or

tell him it's Gary running the bridge today.

I'm willing to say that, but he can see you.

Like, he is literally like an arm span away.

You do not know Mark.

It will work.

Your ploy worked on me.

This will work on him.

Mark, I don't think Clovis is here right now.

I'm not here, Mark.

It's Gary today.

Oh, is Gary on duty?

Yeah, it's Gary today.

Oh, never mind then.

All right.

Chun, what are you doing?

I'm keeping this horse.

That's fine, but don't get Mark involved again.

Yeah, please do not get Mark involved again.

Again, I love him.

I care for him, but you get him talking, and he will not stop.

He stopped.

Though we did get him talking.

Yeah, at first I thought he was launching into like a whole new quiz where he was like, Is my cousin there?

You know, questions like that where I'm like, Is this a trick?

Is this some sort of thing?

But then I realized we never touched this bridge, right?

No one's touched the bridge, and no, he's just nosy.

Yeah.

And by the way, if you want that horse, that horse is yours.

It's been here and lost and found for over a month.

I don't want a horse nobody wants,

but he is named Grapes.

Oh, come on, Chunt.

Yeah, keep him.

Test trial, test run.

Yeah.

We can always forget about him later.

Oh, yeah.

Good call.

Oh, God.

Just like Mark and his kids.

Wait, Mark?

You forgot about his kids?

Yeah, and I want to be clear.

I don't mean he was neglectful or he abandoned them.

He literally just forgets.

It's just not important to him.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so sad.

Can you imagine if one of us forgot they had kids?

It's crazy.

Can you even imagine?

Raise your hand if you've forgotten kids.

Probably.

Probably got some floating around out there.

Sure.

How would you know?

I have no way to know.

He just likes raising his hand.

Alright, hold on.

No,

I'm just going to write this one down.

How would you know you'd forgotten kids?

That's a good one.

I didn't think about that.

Oh, you're writing songs?

Well,

this wasn't meant for one of my songs, but, you know, I...

Might work into a lyric at some point.

It does seem like that could be a song.

How would that song?

What would that lyric sound like if it was sung?

Hey, Mark.

Yeah.

Could you sing some words for us?

Green.

Oh, no, sorry.

I'll give you the words.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I'll give you the words.

Was he just singing random words?

I mean, that was the word.

He was just singing random words.

He was just singing.

He does this all the time.

If you ask him to list anything without giving him instructions, he just starts going through the words he knows in alphabetical order.

And to be clear, he's just the words he knows in alphabetical order.

He doesn't know anything between A and F.

Well, to be clear, the two words he's saying were green and followed by bird.

Okay.

Okay.

Mark, never mind.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Sorry.

I am so sorry, guys.

I won't.

I will make it note.

I'm going to write down.

I'm going to take out my little bit of paper.

I'm going to write down.

Don't engage with Mark.

Okay.

Oh, I wish his girlfriend had taken that advice.

Uh-oh.

What happened there?

It's a thing.

She's lovely.

I shouldn't say a bad word about her.

She's wonderful.

We're very happy that Mark found somebody.

We're very happy that Penelope was able to find him.

It's best for the both of them.

Didn't we know a Penelope?

Princess Penelope?

Well, there was a weapon called the Penelope that we destroyed, but then there was a Penelope Penelope.

We've been doing this for so long, I'm trying to remember.

I just want to be clear.

That's just...

That's the handle she uses.

It's a pseudonym.

It's a false name.

She just insists that everyone calls her Penelope because she doesn't know how to pronounce Penelope as it's written.

Oh, I see.

I see.

But again,

I love her to death.

She's wonderful.

It's been great for Mark.

She's been getting him out, getting him interested in new things and learnings.

So, you know, you take the lumps with the potatoes.

What sorts of new things?

And we're on a timeout.

So asking a question is fine right now.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Just to be clear, this is no longer part of the quiz.

None of this is counting against you.

Your questions, I assure you, have not been getting exponentially more difficult with every question you've been asking me.

Two left to go.

Although, Clovis, ethically, I need to tell you that you are currently taking our quiz.

So you are about seven questions into our quiz.

And if you get all ten questions right, you're allowed to leave the bridge.

Isn't that the dream?

Yeah.

Oh no, but you know I get I get plenty of non-bridge time.

I'm usually like I sat down in the corporate office now.

You know, working on new quizzes, coming up with new rules, approving new bridges and assigning trolls, that sort of thing.

We've got trolls for all sorts of water crossings, ferries, boats, rope ladders, ziplines.

Yeah.

Do you enjoy that work?

I sometimes people sort of get promoted out of the positions they really love and enjoy, you know?

You know, when they offered it to me, I took it it as a huge compliment, and it was exciting, you know, to really get in there, make some changes, you know, really take it from being just the root, oh, they cross, you, they, you ask question, they get wrong, you eat goat, you know, and really try to make this something that's enjoyable for everybody before they cross or get eaten.

Yeah, it'd be sucked to be stuck in like a, you know, troll booth.

Sorry, did you say if we get something wrong, you have to eat a goat?

Well, if you were a goat, yeah.

Get to eat a goat.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, we get to eat

if we don't, if we don't answer the riddles correctly, quizzes and things.

Hey, hey, Arnie Usidor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just realized that grapes, I think grapes is a goat.

Oh.

I thought he was a horse because he has

sort of a sandwich board over his back that says horse.

Yeah.

But I think he's a goat trying to pass himself off.

He's too gruff to not be a horse.

Alright, so then in order of seniority, let's go back through this.

It's Usidor,

Chunt,

Arnie,

Grapes, Spider-Man, then grapes.

Yes.

So grapes is going to get eaten first.

Very well, Bridgemaster.

We shall take a quick break, and you shall return with your two dastardly questions.

Mark, we're taking a break.

Shadow, you don't have to tell him.

Oh, could I come?

No.

Yeah.

No.

Fuck.

We're not going anywhere.

Whoa, Mark, that's awesome.

So, you guys are moving in together?

Yeah, she's brought in a lot of her stuff already.

She's got some posters up on the wall.

She had an artist do a couple sketches of us, but my head's not that big in real life.

Wow, yeah, and she probably doesn't rollerblade.

Well,

we are

seeing.

Are you sure I can't get you anything

from the kitchen?

I've got water, I've got shale, I've got some quartz, I've got a goat.

Anything you want.

Oh, a quart or what?

Quartz.

It's a type of...

Well, I've got at least a quart of it, but

it's a crystal structure that emits an electrostatic charge under pressure.

I learned that from Pinelope.

Of quartz, Chunt.

Chunt.

I don't think Mark is here for wordplay.

Let's be honest.

Hey, have you guys ever looked at...

Have you ever guys looked at how interesting some leaves are?

Well, hold on.

I'm going to go get my leaf album.

I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah, go get it.

Okay, it's so hard when you can't leave to be like, well,

because you can't be like, I gotta go.

Well, you gotta go.

Guys, guys, guys, the stakes have never been higher.

We have got to get off this bridge before Mark gets back with his leaf album.

Okay, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Use her.

Use her.

Go, go, go.

All right.

Clovis, Clovis, we're back.

All right, tell us.

Well, well, well.

Look who decided to come crawling back, like everyone who tries to go over Mark's bridge.

I didn't want to go over there.

That wasn't my idea.

But I, you know, I don't, I, as the senior member of the team, sometimes you have to listen to the suggestions of your underlings and do your best to incorporate their ideas into the team structure.

He showed you his leaf album.

Yes.

And look, Clovis, we're kind of in a hurry, but I have to ask, this other bridge on the other side, do you have any family over there?

Oh, God.

That's the worst family over there.

That's my cousin, Ex-Glockskik.

And he...

What's that again?

Ex-Glockskik.

Oh, fuck.

That guy's dad must love him so much.

Oh, God, that's the worst part.

He has been spoiled, rotten since the day he was born.

Here's the thing.

He doesn't even ask people questions.

What?

Yeah, no interest at all.

Doesn't care.

How do you get across that bridge?

Oh, just sheer perseverance.

All he does is talk about himself all day long.

It's exhausting.

I don't even want to talk about him.

Fair enough.

There's already so much competition and food for podcasts.

Clovis, I'm going to time out one last time for these

final two dastardly questions.

Exponentially harder than any questions you've ever been asked before.

That's correct.

And for no reason.

We'll be right back.

Don't watch watch where we're going.

Alright, I'll be here.

Oh, it's an old request, but I guess.

Alright, let's go see this.

Okay,

they're so close to each other.

If he looks up, he will see us over here.

Yeah, but he's not gonna know it's us.

Sup, bruhs.

Welcome to the bridge.

My name is Eck Glocklick.

Hey.

All right, how are you guys doing?

Pretty good.

I'm Arnie.

I'm from another world.

I'm Mex Glockslick.

I'm the bridge troll for this here bridge.

And this is Chunt.

I'm from this world.

Yeah, I am X Glocklick.

I'm the Bridge Troll for this bridge.

Right.

And I am Usidor the Blue, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Veseus.

And we have come here to cross your bridge.

So ask us your battery of unanswerable riddles or quizzes, and we shall most assuredly rise to the occasion.

All right, what do you want to know, man?

I'm an open book here.

I'm Exclocklick.

I'm the bridge troll for this bridge.

Yeah, we got that.

Guys, guys, guys.

Did you notice?

Did you notice no matter what?

you guys want to hear a song?

Just a sec.

Did you guys notice that no matter what we say, he says, I'm

like, he does keep talking about himself.

He brings everything back to hand.

That's right.

But he doesn't really talk about himself more than saying what his name is.

I mean, I guess he did say, Do you want to hear me sing something?

But it was, you know, about him, me, you know.

Do we want to hear something?

Yeah, we'll hear it.

Fuck shit.

All right.

Before I go into, before I play this little ditty for you, I've got some shirts here.

They say I met X Gloxlick, the bridge troll.

Got some hats.

I got some mugkoozies.

And I've got a couple demo pressings if you want any of these.

You can't hear them, but you can read the words.

Nice.

Hey, real quick, never call it a fucking Diddy again.

Just say something.

No reason.

Oh, good note.

Good note, man.

Good note.

Good note.

Hold on, I'm going to work that into one of my jingles.

I think I know this troll's dialect.

Let me interact with him.

Yo, bra!

Oh, a true connoisseur.

What's up, my man?

Shall we uh ski daddle over this bridge like totally now, man?

I like the cut of your sails.

Yeah, you just gotta pass a little quiz.

Ah, that sounds harsh to mine ears.

Let us uh be more chill about it and just cross instead.

Uh, No way, Brzezinski.

Nothing I can do there.

There's rules to follow.

And dude, I got this hard ass who's one bridge over, who's my cousin.

His name is Clovis.

If he finds out that I let you pass without asking one of his stupid quiz things, then I am not going to hear the end of it.

And that guy doesn't talk about anything but quizzes day in, day out.

Come on, brah.

No, I'm sorry to interrupt you, Sedor.

XLOXLIC, we're in a little bit of a hurry, but I do have to ask, this other bridge on the other side, do you have any family over there?

The next one, upstream or downstream?

Downstream's Clovis.

Yeah, not the Clovis one, in the other direction.

Upstream.

I mean, I mean, you know, what's family?

Yeah, I got family, but like, we're not like, we're not, like, rock-related, but we're like found family.

So they don't sound anything like you?

No, like I said, we grew up separately, but we found each other here.

You know, just our shared passions, you know?

Sometimes you just, you know, you meet someone, you just strike that chord, and you're like, yeah, bros for life.

That is bitching.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You are the first person to use that in the correct context when talking to me.

Guys, we're in a hurry.

I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna really engage.

I'm just gonna go over and hear the voice of the other bridge troll.

All right?

Hey, can I hear your voice?

Huh?

That's it.

Thank you.

All right.

Good enough.

Hey, Chum.

Yeah.

Did you know Arno?

You ran away panting like a dog?

What the hell was that?

That was so weird.

I mean, it was weird.

It's like five steps in one direction.

So weird.

I know he's not the senior most member of the team, but I know.

Yeah, I know.

It's so weird.

Oh, Ani, you're back.

You guys ever talk to mushrooms?

Oh, totally, brah.

Mushrooms are the

chillest.

Yeah.

Bad vibes over here, guys.

I think we gotta go back to Clovis.

Pardon us.

We're gonna get harshed on by

thine uh totally lame cousin Clovis.

Oh, I hear that, bro.

Yeah, don't worry.

If you if you ever come back this way again, just want to hang out, uh, I've got some uh I've got some stygian blacklights.

You know, I can put up some drawings on the walls and stare at them.

No, thank you.

Arnie, see what we're doing,

yeah.

You sir, I didn't know you spoke nardog.

Oh, yes, I'm I'm quite fluent in it.

Uh, it comes you could get you could hear how easily it rolled off my tongue and sounded very natural.

Hey Clovis, welcome back once again.

Like everyone who goes over to that bridge, you come crawling back to this one.

Everyone thinks they can dodge the last couple of questions.

Well come on, bra.

Tell me them last harsh questions.

Oh, so are we timing in?

Time in, yes.

Oh, time in.

All right.

Question number nine.

This is for nearly all the marbles.

That's just an expression, by the way, the marbles in this case representing being allowed to pass the bridge without getting eaten.

Right, man.

All right.

A man rides into town on Tuesday on a bunch of grapes.

Sounds like a riddle.

A week later, he rides out again on a bunch of grapes.

How is that possible?

Uh, grapes is the name of a goat wearing a sign that says horse.

You got my clues.

They're absolutely right.

Spot on.

Nice one.

This is usually where I eat people.

We never get to Questionton.

Oh, listen, Grapes is trying to bray like a horse.

Aww, it's cute.

Yeah, this is the reason I work with him.

You know, sometimes you meet someone and immediately have that spark.

And I could tell from the day that he showed up that Grapes and I, you know, our hearts were in this.

It's all about creating an atmosphere, all about committing to it.

So Grapes was actually a clue the whole time.

We can't take that goat horse with us.

Well, it's up to Grapes, really.

You know, we collaborated for a while.

I like to think we're a double act, but you know, we've each got our own passion separately.

Chant, are you gonna be okay?

Now that somebody else wants them, I kind of want them.

Yeah, I'd prefer to keep them, but we'll see.

Try to get him out of here.

Yeah, maybe at the end, we'll do that thing where, like, you know, Clovis and I will stand on opposite sides of the bridge and we'll be like, you know, come to whoever you love most or whatever.

I like that.

Yeah, I think that'll be good.

Was that all the questions?

Final question.

Final question.

All right.

What was the first leaf in Mark's Leaf album?

Oh, son of Ugo.

We didn't look at Mark's Leaf album, but let me for a moment go into the mind of a wizard.

And in that state...

Clovis, while he goes into the mind of the wizard, I feel like you're going to tell us something.

Oh, yeah, I just think it's a shame.

You know, so many people lose it on this one.

And you spent all that time with Mark, and everyone takes the moment that he goes to get his leaf album as a chance to escape.

And, you know, you've already put in the time.

Why not spend the extra 30 seconds and find out what that first leaf is?

Guys, are we rude?

Maybe?

I have awoken, and my keen senses tell me that Mark has a leaf album with over 600 almost identical

oak leaves in it.

Not only the first, but all are oak.

That is correct.

There is only one tree that's within walking distance of Mark's bridge.

He's extraordinarily lazy.

He has only collected oak leaves.

Congratulations.

That has concluded the quiz.

And I must say, using the percentage of troll points, you have exactly passed flying colours.

Well done.

Oh, woo-hoo!

So that's for all of us, right?

So, well,

Usador here has the R pass.

Again, you've got to get that upgraded.

Got to get a new QR code for that one.

I'll take care of it, yeah.

And then I believe that it was Chant who started the 10 question quiz.

So Chant has passed, which means 10 even more difficult questions for Arnie.

What?

All right.

See you, Arnie.

Oh.

Quick, let's push Clovis off the bridge.

Hey, Arnie.

Oh, no.

What?

You can't say quick and then do it.

We weren't even ready.

You pushed him so hard.

I didn't know my own strength.

It's acceptable.

It's one of the ways that you can cross.

Oh, people should do that more often.

It's so much faster.

Physical violence is considered an acceptable answer.

I'm made of rocks.

Okay.

Oh.

Tempted to go back and push those other trolls off the bridge, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

Come on.

Yo, Cloak, bro.

What you doing in that water?

Yeah.

Sweet.

Hey, Mark.

Oh, you come back to look at the the leaf album.

Well,

we did it, guys.

There's no better way for us to return to Hogsface than to push a bunch of trolls off of bridges that they're just trying to do their jobs.

Guys, are we rude?

No.

Oh, wait, we forgot one.

There was one on the other side of.

Oh, there was one two down.

I'll get it.

What's your name?

Huh?

got him!

Woo!

Four, four, four.

Well, that's hard to say.

I'm trying to say, like, you know how you say, like, three for three, or like five for five?

I'm trying to say four for four.

Four, four, four.

I don't know if it reads.

Well, come along, grapes.

You're with us now.

You, since you're the

youngest member of the team, you'll be bathing Arnie once a week.

It's important to get between his toes.

He doesn't like to clean that himself.

We're glad to have you on the team.

Spider-Man, take care, man.

We'll see you.

Okay, sorry, Spider-Man.

We're not taking Spider-Man?

All right.

Do we want to?

That's too weird.

No.

Yeah, the last week has been weird.

So weird.

I'm sorry, we probably should have waited to say that until Spider-Man was out of earshot, but it's been so weird.

And I got to say, flying on an upside-down camel named Spider-Man, he hit his head on so many different structures, formations, signs, rocks, hills, people, carriages.

That camel is so concussed.

To Hogsface.

Oh, are we cheersing?

I just like to say where we're going next.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, we're back on the road to Hogsface.

Back on the road.

I can't wait to get back on the road.

Is that something?

Maybe.

Or is it?

Finally, a new cast edition worthy of everyone's performance skills.

A goat.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Clovis the Bridge Troll and all other trolls in this episode were portrayed by special guest Padrick Connolly.

Patrick performs in Chicago with World News Tonight, Saturdays at I.O., and with Comedy Sports.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus: another episode of Podpires.

Hey, so sorry, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Carnival Wilson.

Our producer, Carney Wilson, the Custer Guy.

Carnival Wilson!

I just wanted to remind you, that reminded me, you need to promote the new aprons that say we want to suck most guys.

That you guys are newly in our merch store.

Yes, these are aprons.

So let's say that it's going to be warmer months, right?

And you're going to be grilling.

You're going to...

Because what do you do with leftover meat when you suck it dry?

You grill it.

Not to eat it.

No, to throw it in the garbage, but you want to grill it.

You drop it in the garbage, but you want to burn it, you know?

Anyway, looks so good when you're got when you're grilling to put out the message.

We want to suck most guys.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful sentiment.

Oh, guys, while I'm here, one more thing.

Oh, it's Carnival Wilson, our producer.

Carnival Wilson.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tony Golick.

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