Season 5, Ep 62 - Familiar Rescuer (w/ Holly Conrad)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But that can't stop us from breaking free of our usual habitat, wandering into your neck of the Earth woods, and terrorizing you in person.

That's right, the first two of our live shows are later this week.

July 18th in Somerville, Massachusetts, and July 20th in New York City.

And then, just as the rest of the country breathes a sigh of relief, in August we appear in DC and Philadelphia.

And before anyone can recover, we'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina, and Richmond, Virginia in September.

And October will be quiet, provided you all behave.

Links for tickets and info in the show notes.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years.

And several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a wi-fi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded as we travel back to hogsface although i have to confess oh chunt chunt we really mess up like we a couple weeks ago we said and now we're leaving for hogs face and we took a couple weeks off and i have to be honest we're still in the same tavern the dumb pig yeah we said that you're sure okay uh well i was gonna say i said that maybe

Look, is this our opportunity to just blame this all on Usidor?

I guess Usidor said, We're going to Hogsface.

We're going to Hogsface.

That does sound like him.

Let's say it's him.

Yeah, we'll say it's him.

Although, to be honest, I am excited about going back to Hogsface.

Let's Pinky promise.

Although, wait, no, I lost my pinky.

I do have the other pinky.

Let's Pinky promise that we're going to start going to Hogsface.

Hey, we're tomorrow's salad, we leave for Hogsface.

Pinky.

Exactly.

Okay.

Yes.

How are you doing, bud?

Doing pretty good.

If I could get my pinky back, thank you so much.

I just forgot that we were connected in that way.

I know.

We're family, basically.

What happened to your pinky?

Well,

you know, Chun, so many things have happened to us in the last 10 years.

I feel like a few years back, you gave me a special pinky ring that we use for pinky clinkies,

and it slowly cut my pinky off.

And then, of course, as often happens, my pinky started talking in its own weird voice.

And I think, and I could be wrong, Genlevia the Red

has my

sentient pinky in a jar.

Huh.

Okay.

I think that's it.

I'm sorry, I guess, if that's

if I gave you the ring that did all that.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, there's life.

A lot of life happens.

Yeah, I've had gifts go nuts, too.

Somebody once gave me a wooden stein and the handle broke after a couple years.

I got some socks one time from my now-dead aunt that shrunk after a few washes.

So, yeah, I think all gifts, you know,

have the natural deterioration of the natural deterioration.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, well, I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Blue.

Are you doing the show in there?

How are you doing?

What is going on with Usidor lately?

I have no idea.

I have been sitting on a horse for almost two weeks.

Oh, shit.

Ooh, you are bow-legged.

No, it's one of those things where you're like, I'm in the car, and we're like, we're waiting for him to go.

I've been waiting for you.

I'm sorry, Usidor.

I thought you were going to follow me immediately.

Do you need to go to the bathroom or?

no, I went.

Won't follow up with any questions on that?

Uh, Yusor, why don't we do the thing?

Why don't we do the podcast?

And then, when it's done, like, literally at the end, we'll like run out of the tavern, hop on your horse.

Wait, do we all have do we just have the one horse?

No, there are two other horses there.

You can tell the ones that are your horses because I have not defecated upon them.

Oh, good.

Well, that's very thoughtful.

So, Yusor, you've had so many horses over the years, as have we all.

I know all our horses are somewhere.

But what horse are you currently riding?

Silver Lightning.

Silver Lightning?

Yes.

And of course, Chunt, you'll be taking Bronze Lightning.

Ooh.

And wasn't Silver Lightning formed when a horse got struck by lightning?

That's right.

So he's just sort of a horse that got hit by lightning.

He's a horse that got hit by lightning, but he's okay.

He doesn't like it when it rains, obviously.

Sure.

Whereas me, I'm only happy when it rains.

That's right.

But I'm garbage, so you are garbage.

And Arnie, you shall be astride.

Gold lightning?

Puddle.

Puddle.

Okay.

Silver lightning.

Bronze lightning.

And puddle.

So silver lightning was hit by lightning.

Was bronze lightning hit by lightning?

Arnie, bronze lightning was hit by bronze.

Yes, come on.

It fell into a bad of bronze oh

and puddle uh you sir puddle's the the horse with all that clown makeup on right that's right yeah usidor you gotta stop buying remaindered horses i i'm sorry uh times are tough and you have to do what you have to do but Soon we shall set forth on a quest to find a mystical weapon back in our hometown of Hogsface.

And that weapon shall help us defeat the wizards.

And if it isn't true, then my name isn't Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, known to the Elves as Fionyalik, known to the Dwarves as Zonenhuk Sangis, and I'm known in the Northeast as Gaswanius Mae Star.

And I shall ride Silver Lightning.

Great.

Guys, do you see that

gnome over there

by the on the end of the tavern, like putting up flyers, it looks like.

Oh, yes, one of the few non-pig patrons here in the tavern.

Pardon me, friend.

Would you join us for a drink?

That was

an extremely loud wizard speech.

Oh, thank you.

I'm not really used to the whole

wizard speech aesthetic, but I feel like it's...

I was impressed by it.

Usually they go on for like five to ten minutes, and you really edited it down to a point where I really appreciated it.

Oh, worry not, for I can talk for minutes on end.

And if I am allowed to work,

no, okay, all right.

Editing's important.

Hello, hi.

My name's Aggie Thistlefield.

I'm putting up flyers for my familiar action rescue team.

Uh-huh.

Have you heard of us?

You're putting up posters for a fart?

Yeah.

Well, no one forgets a fart.

That's very true.

Especially a loud one.

Yes, I'm not familiar with the familiar action rescue team.

Aggie, please join us at the table and tell us more.

Yeah, please sit.

Sit.

Do you want anything to drink, by the way?

I don't.

I think...

Do they have tea at this tavern?

I'm not sure.

Certainly, we can get you, but everything is served in a trough.

Are you okay with a trough of tea?

I love being hydrated.

That's good for me.

A trough it is.

I shall be right back.

Does anyone else need a drink?

Ooh, I'll take a pearls before wine.

Pearls before wine.

Any

second to think of a drink?

A pig, something.

No, I'll just, I'll have a, I'll have pearls before wine as well.

I was thinking, doesn't it suck when you're like, that's what I was thinking, and then someone else orders it?

Oh, okay.

And then you're like, oh, I don't want to order this.

And then that person's like, oh, you're just copying me.

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Sure.

Sounds like I ordered a tiny hot tub.

No,

the drink sizes are very strange here.

But Aggie, so nice to meet you.

My name is Arnie.

I'm from another world.

Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah.

Thank you.

And I'm Chunt.

I'm a badger.

A little less exciting, but very nice to meet you.

Still enthused to meet you.

I appreciate any adorable small creature.

Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you.

And Aggie, you're a

gnome?

I sometimes misclassify people.

A southern gnome.

Southern gnome, yes.

I've been away for a long time.

I've been trying to build up my rescue for familiars.

I don't know if you know about the plight of familiars.

Would you like to hear about it?

Oh, absolutely.

So, as you know, wizards summon familiars.

A lot of times it's through contracts.

Sometimes some wizards don't offer contracts to these familiars and they just become servants.

In which case,

it's unwilling.

It's unwilling.

And then sometimes familiars might be a little too willing and then murder their wizard.

Oh, Oh, geez.

And those familiars also still need a home.

And so we offer them a place to stay until they can find another willing wizard, which they hopefully won't murder.

Oh, you know,

I've been many a different type of animal.

I know it doesn't look like because I'm just a badger, but I've had some friends who were familiars for a, you know, a wizard or a witch, but then they become overly familiars, which is where they kind of feel like they really know the wizard.

They feel like they are best friends and everything.

And then the wizard or witch is kind of like, okay,

you need to go.

Like, this is getting weird.

You know,

we actually have a whole program for parasocial relationships with familiars.

Oh, yeah.

Smart.

Yeah.

Are there kind of a familiar called just like the vaguely familiar, where they're not, they're like, I think I was summoned by one of you, right?

I'm not sure.

We summoned at some point in the past, right?

Yeah, partial familiars, maybe

familiars with benefits.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I hate to be.

I am who I am, though, so I have to ask this question.

Familiars with benefits, is there a kind of romantic angle to that?

We try to discourage that.

That's frowned upon in the rescue community.

It's very discouraged, yes.

Yeah.

I think that's probably fair.

The power structure between a magic user and a familiar is probably absolutely absolutely.

No, we do.

We frown upon that, and we keep our familiars away from from those wizards?

Here are your troughs

for each of you.

Oh, my troughs.

Yes, enjoy a tea full of troughs.

Clinkies.

I'm far too weak to lift this.

That's fine.

I didn't know that was an option.

It's more like, I guess it's more like clunkies because these are wooden

troughs here.

Big.

Oh, well,

Aggie,

I did overhear a bit of what you were saying, and it sounds like you're doing some wonderful work

helping these familiars

find a new home.

And did you have a familiar?

Oh, no.

You know,

I've had familiars in the past, but, you know, you wake up one night and they're standing over you with an obsidian dagger,

and you go, oh, maybe this isn't for me.

There is the adoption option.

I'm just saying, we have many available familiars.

We could go take a look.

There's a few.

So many of them are so friendly, and some of them are so violent.

Yes, I know, I know.

And I feel bad that I'm not doing my part,

potentially, but you know, I just have a lot going on in my life right now.

I'm trying to find

a weapon that will help us defeat all the evil wizards who have gone rogue on us.

Who is it?

Who is it?

Seems to be a pattern.

Can you imagine that the three of us had a little animal?

Just a little animal sidekick that you boss around, huh?

That's you.

Yeah.

Nobody bosses me around, though.

Shut up.

Okay.

Well, but Chunt, would you like a little friend that you could boss around?

Ooh,

I'm listening.

Maybe smaller than you?

Yeah,

that sounds.

Do you happen to have?

I notice you have a little sort of rolling cart next to you.

Is that chalk-a-block full of animals?

I have a few with me.

Yes, yes.

I also have a few at

my sanctuary along the road.

Pets are five gold.

If you'd like to pet familiars, if you'd like to pet the larger familiars, it's 20 gold.

And if you lose an arm, it's not our fault.

Okay.

Arnie, you always say that bringing animals on Carson makes for good TV.

Do you think that's true for our podcast as well?

Oh, does Carson also say familiars?

Carson,

Aggie, I think Carson's like an Earth wizard.

Yeah, on Earth, there's this wonderful talk show hosted by Carson Daly.

And,

you know, I don't need to go into it.

Oh,

they sound wonderful.

I hope that they have lots of familiars.

Anki, can I ask?

And I'm so sorry.

I have a vague understanding, or I've heard of before, or I wish there was a good word for this,

familiars.

But

I don't really know, like, what's the difference between a familiar and a pet?

That is an excellent question.

Familiars are actually

sentient.

I mean, if we want to get into the nature of consciousness, we could talk about that for a while.

But as a mere gnome, I've only thought about consciousness a bit.

Being a druid, I talk to animals as well, but some animals have base emotions, and they're very strong, whereas familiars have, you know, an ability to

talk, as we do.

Sure.

So they can communicate more complicated emotions, more complicated conversations, whereas animals are a little bit more black and white.

Yes, Arnie.

Imagine a shark swimming through the ocean.

The shark doesn't think.

The shark doesn't think about itself

or have consciousness.

It just devours.

It just continues to eat and eat and eat.

And then think about...

Well, think about Chunt.

Hello.

Chunt likes to move around and think and think and think, but he doesn't just eat and eat and eat.

He also is like, what's going on with me?

How do I feel today?

Am I upset?

But now I am super hungry.

Familiars can be more complicated and a problem, like a roommate versus having a pet.

Oh, I see.

Aggie, you know your stuff.

An obnoxious roommate.

Sometimes an okay roommate, but I'm not.

It depends on the familiar.

Sometimes they wash their dishes, sometimes they don't.

Aggie, have you ever had a familiar of your own?

I consider all of my adopted familiars my own.

I may have a bad time setting boundaries with how many familiars I should be taking under my wing.

And now I have many and I'm trying to pawn them off on adventures as you.

Oh, okay.

That makes sense.

Arnie, I noticed the spider on their head as well.

I didn't know if that was a familiar, if I should kill it, or.

I would just leave it there just in case.

Guess not.

You saw it.

You saw it.

Good job.

Okay.

Well, let's take a quick break.

And as soon as we're back, I'll tell you about some of the tales.

Long-winded as I can, about the times that I've had familiars.

Oh, how these tales shall go on and on.

But e'en now, we must take a break.

Aye, as soon as I stop talking, the break shall begin.

That's true.

As soon as this sentence is over, we shall cut to a commercial.

Shut up.

Are you afraid of breaks?

I don't know.

Have we figured out Slowfade yet?

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So, about 140 years ago, I did have, that was the last time I had a familiar,

and it didn't work out so well.

As I mentioned, as I alluded to before, I woke up one night, and this familiar is holding an obsidian blade.

One of the very few ways you can kill a wizard, of course, with an obsidian blade, a dagger, and was about to kill me.

And, of course, this familiar was an 800-pound gorilla.

And I, yes.

Were you nice to this familiar?

Did you treat them with respect and kindness?

I was incredibly respectful.

I was incredibly nice.

And I...

I mean, Musidor, to be fair,

you already are talking about its weight, right?

Like,

the first thing you say was...

Well, no, hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Now, what I'm saying.

That's very true.

Yeah, he always calls me a Northeastia 5.

What the hell?

I only bring it up because traditionally,

familiars are like a cat or a frog or an owl, something a little bit on the smaller side.

A gorilla, a large, powerful gorilla is an unusual familiar.

Sure.

But we met one day while I was walking through Gorilla Forest, and I ran into Mr.

Tonks.

And Mr.

Tonks.

Yes, and Mr.

Tonks,

he was a very intelligent gorilla.

We had a wonderful conversation.

And I said,

What are you doing

for the rest of your life?

And Mr.

Tonks became my familiar completely consensually.

And then one day, after a few years together, three or four years, he said, You know, I missed the forest.

Could I have a few days off?

And I was right in the middle of a big quest, getting ready to go out on this huge quest.

Like, very important.

Was going to slay three dragons, three dragons who were

terrorizing the valley.

And I was like, what?

I really need you here right now, now, Mr.

Tonks.

And that night, woke up.

Mr.

Tonks had a blade over my head.

And I immediately, summarily let him go.

Well, most familiars aren't trained in the blade.

Are you sure this wasn't just another wizard in a costume pretending to be a familiar?

Ooh, good call.

Oh, the long con.

I don't think so, because it often reached in under its neck and kind of scratched at its flesh neck underneath

the edge of its

fur.

I think that maybe one of your rival we don't see

gorillas are extremely intelligent and usually sentient by themselves and as a familiar are very difficult to have as a familiar.

I think maybe one of your rival wizards was maybe dressed up as a gorilla and tried to kill you.

I don't think so because I could see his green robes sticking out from beneath his fur.

Classic.

And he kind of talked like this.

And I was like, he sounded a lot like my friend Spintax the Green.

And it's possible.

Well,

Spintax, Mr.

Tonks.

Spintonks.

Yeah,

familiars don't usually murder in this way.

And if you were treating them with respect,

it does take a bit of

riling up, so to speak, to get them to that point.

So I believe that maybe this was

just a rival wizard.

It never occurred to me before.

I'm so sorry.

This happens a lot, actually.

Wizards are

so fickle, and they love dressing up in weird little animal costumes, and it just really, it's a problem in the familiar community.

I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

I guess the clue that should have tipped me off is when it ripped off its mask as it left and it put back on its giant green pointy hat and said, fuck you, you said, and then flew off on a broom.

That's a gorilla.

So these happened for years.

Like, I'm just trying to...

Next time I see Spintax, who, you know, we're at war with, so they probably will not be the first thing I bring up.

But I'm very curious to find out, like, was it just a ploy to get closer to you for a while?

Or did it start as a prank?

And then for years, he's like, how do I pay this off?

I mean, you're asking the wrong guy.

I thought he was a gorilla the whole time.

I should have known better.

In retrospect, it makes perfect sense.

I do have a question.

Do you think he was happier as a gorilla?

Oh,

oh, that's an excellent question.

I sometimes think that maybe, maybe,

being a wizard, being an adventurer is hard, and being a gorilla could be freeing.

Being a wizard is hard, but what you have to understand, Aggie, is that the goddesses demanded that there be a hero, someone who would stepped forth, and they summoned me forth into this world so that I could defeat evil in all its forms.

And I said, Yay, I shall take on this duty.

And then all the well.

I'm so sorry, Aggie.

Oh, no, keep going.

This is great.

It's like a puppet show.

Usidor is sort of like a politician.

And if you get anywhere close to certain topics, he just wants to like, he'll just go and start talking about the music.

That's nice.

That's fascinating.

Aggie, I have a question for you about familiars.

Yes, yes.

I guess I always imagine.

I don't want to be a Usidor about this, but like, what's the biggest familiar that a person can have?

Like, should they generally be smaller than you, or could you have like a whale familiar or a dolphin?

Oh, I was just going to say, no, believe it or not,

whales, dolphins, they're very common.

They're very smart.

Obviously, not so much for us land-faring folks.

First land folks, large eagles.

They can carry us gnomes around.

Oh, sure.

Ka-kaw.

Like, they just grab us and just drag us places.

Like,

the eagles will show up.

They'll take us away.

This is great.

Public transportation.

Even if you think like these eagles are never going to get back together until hell freeze is over.

Yeah.

They'll show up.

I mean, they won't talk to each other, but they'll show up.

I think one of the most problematic ones is probably crabs.

Crabs are not nice.

They're very grabby.

They're not soft.

They're sharp.

Yeah.

No one likes that.

No one likes that.

You, sir, you had a little crab for a while, and every time you would, you know, you'd be over a cauldron, sort of making a concoction, and you'd be like, wand, and the crab would grab the wand, just snap it in half.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've had a big problem with wizards taking familiars and then getting stuck in the wilderness and eating them.

And that's all, that's just not.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's been a big problem.

So we have been working on that.

Well,

I'm fortunate that I've never had to stoop to eating one of my familiars.

But I do, as Chun said, often ask them like scalpel, just ask them to send me a hand me a thing.

Wand, potion.

Like, mostly I just need people to hand things to me.

So I don't even think I really need a familiar as much as I need like...

Oh, I think you'd do great with a crab.

Well, but as you urge,

snapped the wand right in half.

Just snapped right through it.

And that was too bad.

So I think what I need is like...

A bench closer to your workspace?

A bench.

i need a bench i need a bench i can put stuff on but then you forget to put something there and you're right in the middle of the spell and you don't want to like walk over to the big cabinet or into the pit of despair where you keep a lot of your stuff uh

it's just difficult i'll say it again being a wizard must be very hard it's very hard thank you aggie thank you very hard

sometimes sometimes you know what happens your friends all decide to go on an adventure and then you go sit on a horse for two fucking weeks yeah

oh oh tell tell me more about that let's unpack that oh uh that was it uh a couple weeks ago these guys right here uh were all gung-ho to go on an adventure and then i got on the horse and i've just been sitting on the horse it rained a lot they say your friends don't value you oh no they no they look up to me they think i'm i'm their hero right

i don't like yeah the guy who shit on the horse that's that's my guy

i mean look let's be clear i I think the problem is Usidor is a little codependent.

That doesn't sound like

what it sounds like.

What do you mean?

We don't need to spend all of our time together.

I love you, buddy.

We're on quests together all the time.

But if you run out the door, I'm not always going to just follow you everywhere all the time.

You're lost.

If you want someone that will always follow you everywhere you go,

there's got to be something that will do that.

I don't know what that would be.

I guess.

Now that you mentioned it, I suppose I'd be a familiar, wouldn't it?

Exactly.

And I think this is an excellent lesson in practicing some boundaries with your friends.

Okay.

Yeah.

Fine.

Chantani, what do you need?

Ooh.

Marnie, what do we need?

That's a good question.

Like, do we need

healthy boundaries to go on a quest?

But also,

I'm kind of codependent, too, so I don't want to have too strong a boundaries.

Yeah.

Same.

Aggie, Aggie, what do you want?

Oh, I just want to show you my familiars.

I just, I have so many fun, fun familiars that need homes.

I would love to

just see if you would like to adopt any to

take them on your new journey and having boundaries with your friends.

And maybe some extra little squiggly things you can keep in your pack.

This was always meant to happen.

Ne'er were we supposed to leave two weeks ago, for I was always meant to take one of these beautiful animals into mine care, where I shall ensure that not only it helps me with great magical accomplishments, but I keep it safe and protected and warm and loved.

And my friends then feel that they have the space that they need to do the things that they need to do, and I can spend time with my new familiar friend instead.

And I'm just gonna keep going until somebody cuts me off.

What other familiars did you bring today?

Oh, that speech was beautiful.

Thank you.

Well, I have a.

I have a few.

I don't know if you're really interested in a few baby oozes.

They're not really that

functional.

They're just kind of like if you throw them at a wall, they stick

like those little hands.

They just stick.

Yeah.

Those are...

I have a whole bag of those.

Do you have baby oozes that stick to the wall, but then they like slowly creep down?

They kind of almost flip down.

Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, they don't really do much else.

I do have a baby manticore, a little bit violent and aggressive.

Um, I thought that he just really enjoyed attacking stuffed animals, but it turns out it was a it was a different behavior that may not have been appropriate.

But he's fine.

He's fine.

He's very, uh, I think lots of potential.

Um, uh, a

you know, Chunt's mom was a manticore.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, she still is, but she was.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, this one

might not be as mentally sound, but we will trust, we will trust that he's fine interesting yeah uh a few a couple of crows you can see them circling around uh stealing food for me i do love birds

yeah the those crows do just keep like flying over periodically and just dropping some food in front of you uh yes i uh well charity work you know doesn't pay well so i just get the crows to steal i mean borrow things from the local inns now just drop them off look i'm not going to just take any animal here.

I have to ask a few questions.

I have to be inquisitive to make sure I find the right fit for me.

I want to know, do these crows have eyes?

Do the crows have eyes?

Oh, they have both eyes.

Yes, correct.

Yes.

Great.

That is important.

That's an important question.

Yes.

Okay.

The oozes don't have eyes.

The oozes don't have eyes.

Okay.

Good to know.

Good to know.

I'm writing this down.

No.

But they are great for getting into locked chests.

So everything has its use.

Hmm.

I'm really pushing these oozes.

Is it possible for me to take more than one?

If I get an ooze, I feel like I still need something else.

I feel like the ooze isn't going to

passive.

Yeah, exactly.

Do some adventurers just have so many familiars because they have such specialized abilities?

Like the oozes, if they're just good for getting into chests, it's like, how many things do you have to do all these different things?

Oh, I mean, have you met other adventuring parties?

They have like 10 different animals.

I mean, this is a min-max of adventurers.

You can have different familiars for different things, some to annoy people that you come across, some to unlock chests, some to just be a problem for someone in charge.

Do we get a bulk discount?

Oh, absolutely, yes, yes.

As you can see, I have a cart full of familiars.

Obviously, the crows, the oozes, the manticore.

That one is shaking a little bit, a little bit violent.

But I do have a couple of other smaller familiars, a few rats.

Okay.

Yeah, I was going to ask, any mammals?

How are we doing mammal-wise?

Yeah, I have a few rats.

They're very friendly, very kind.

They're also excellent at

doing any sort of thieving work.

Yes, oh, yeah.

Rats are good.

I have said many, many thieving things.

I am not a thief.

I just borrow things.

No, no, no.

None of us are thieves.

We just take the things we need.

Yeah, yes, correct.

Okay.

Okay, look, here's what I think.

Right now.

Any, Chunt, you tell me if you disagree.

I think we should each have a news.

I know the two of you aren't necessarily magic users, but I think it'd be fine if they had their own ooze, right?

If they needed to get into something.

Oh, yes, and they're very loyal.

They love to hang out with you.

Need a potion bottle to put the ooze into because they are acidic and corrosive.

Touching them will rub your fingers to the bone.

Your finger will fall off.

And is there a thing of like, you know, I fall asleep and then I wake up in the middle of the night and the ooze is like crawling in my mouth and I'm screaming and it becomes like a whole thing?

That's not impossible, but you live a life of danger.

Yeah, I guess I do.

If I have one in a bottle and I open it, will I hear the secret of the ooze?

You could.

You could.

I'm not saying yes or no.

Okay.

I mean, you're a wizard of great power.

You might be able to hear the ooze talk to you in your sleep.

Ooh.

Guys, this could be huge.

I feel like we have run across, you know, like Aggie was kind of saying, we've we've run across other parties of like three travelers who are close buds, just like us, but they have a whole menagerie of animals who it's like

there's a hawk that's lookout they have a getaway horse they have you know a gecko that draws up plans like they have a whole sort of crew we we could have that okay here's my proposal three oozes we're gonna take uh one of the crows and two of the rats how does that sound to you oni You sort of, again, you're just making decisions for all of us.

I don't think I'm an ooze.

Like, first of all, I can't remember the last time I tried to open a chest.

I cannot, like, I see, I'm just sort of like, there's treasure in there.

I don't care.

If you had a bottle with an ooze in it, then you could open a chest, though.

Maybe you haven't been opening chests because you don't have a way to do it.

Look, I am open to us accumulating some familiars because this whole conversation is making me think, like, do other adventuring parties think that we're losers because it's usually just the three of us?

Like, oh, yeah.

I feel like a lot of times on the road, people will pass us and scream loser at us you don't hear that yeah and i haven't thought about it until now but usually most other adventuring parties that we pass it's like there's just a cloud of animals around them like

why don't we have at least a couple well

i i well because i got burned by that gorilla that was really spin-taxed Look,

we'll take extra care to make sure none of the familiars are secretly spin-taxed, but we can't promise.

We just can't promise.

I promise.

I promise none of these Zoozes are any of your rivals.

I am running a charity for familiars that have been

ill-tempered or abandoned.

So just so you know, these familiars are in need of a safe home where they can recover from having a bad time with other wizards.

So you need to be nice to them.

We're very nice.

What, Chunt?

You don't think we're nice?

No, I think we are nice, but it just feels like...

Is this going to be exhausting?

A big part of the sales pitch is that they're ill-tempered.

I have to say, that gives me pause.

Most familiars are ill-tempered.

I mean, ask any wizard.

These ones just happened to be a little bit more ill-tempered and needed assistance getting adopted again.

You said ask any wizard?

Any wizard.

You Sidor?

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

Okay, fuck.

Well, how about we do this?

Look, I'm curious to hear more about your familiars, but I don't want to be limited by the dinky ones you brought in this cart.

You said you have a...

What's that?

dinky yeah the dinky the little ones i don't want the impulse buy familiars right like the chapstick familiars like i want to see what the real stock is like you said you had a sanctuary nearby could we take a break and maybe go to your sanctuary and see what you got oh absolutely it's it's it's it's it's super close uh it's five gold to enter if uh that's fine sure yeah we've got we've got five gold

for all of us oh sure yeah okay i did that just makes me feel like I got something, so thank you.

This place is great.

There's so many weird animals in here.

Oh, yeah.

Look at this.

There's a bobcat.

We got like a lynx.

There's a mountain lion.

There's a puma, a cougar.

There's an ocelot, a cheetah.

There's a guy in a gorilla costume.

Oh, oh, pick me, pick me.

Don't pay attention to the gorilla costume.

No, we have lots of staff here that take great care of the animals.

You can see them now just

throwing some chum over at that gorilla.

So fresh.

Delicious chum.

Excellent.

Gorilla chum, my favorite.

How do you feed all these animals?

Like, do you just feed some of the animals to the other animals?

Well, no, no, of course not.

A lot of the inns,

you know, food goes bad, and then the familiars can get it, you you know, at a discount.

We have a lot of different

deals with the locals.

Also, you know, adventurers run across dead bodies all the time and some of our more exotic animals love to eat cultists and whoever we can find to provide them a varied diet.

So you just, some people just bring dead bodies from the road here.

Well, I mean, yes and no.

We hay them.

Yeah, I mean, what else are you going to do with the dead body?

Cut off its head and throw it in the river?

That's just a funeral.

Yeah, well,

what are we going to feed the pseudo-dragon or the manticore?

I mean, they have a specific diet.

We don't want them to go hungry.

Sure, sure.

Can I ask what are some of the most troubled familiars you have here?

Yes.

Would you like to meet them?

Sure, sure.

We are going to have to go to the caves, if that's fine.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, I love caves.

Alright, well, they're a bit dark, but watch your step.

Wait a minute.

The sign here says cave entry five gold.

Oh, you already paid your five gold.

That's fine.

Oh, okay.

Oh, good.

So there's not like another additional fee to go into the caves.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, you're fine.

All right, let's go on in there.

Oh, but wait a second.

There's a sign that says cave exiting five gold.

Do we have to pay another five gold to eventually leave the cave?

Oh, no,

that's just in case.

Sometimes people don't come out.

That's a different problem.

Oh, okay.

Don't worry.

We'll get you out.

You're interested in adoption, which is the most important thing at this sanctuary.

Okay.

Yes, yes.

Come down here.

It'll be fine.

Hello.

Hello.

It's a bit

echoey.

I don't see

girls.

Girls.

I start yell.

I'm yeah, girls.

Girls.

Girls.

Oh, I see some eyes.

Some eyes just open somewhere.

Oh, there they are.

There they are.

Yes.

It's a, it's a...

Unfortunately, it is a gaggle of

night hags.

Oh,

oh.

But they're,

yeah, so they, they're a little bit cursed.

They're like hens, hags.

You know, they, they might have cursed themselves.

It's like chicken people, maybe.

They're really large hags that are also chickens, that live in a cave.

Wow.

They're hideous.

Yeah, I don't know about taking them on as a familiar.

Oh, that one's got its tentacles out.

Come here.

Okay, all right.

Get off.

Get off.

Come here, girls.

Get off.

Oh, wait.

There's a little machine here.

Let me put a copper in.

Oh, there's some like feed here.

These are feet.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, and here's the thing.

Hand flat.

Hand flat.

Hand flat.

Oh, oh, oh, put your hand flat.

And do you see?

Do you see?

You've summoned the little Baba Yaga's hut.

Do you see it?

It's coming.

Oh, my God.

It's huge.

Do you see her?

Okay, she's like our tavern.

Oh, yeah.

She's

very big, but she's trying to get

the food.

Maybe just throw it.

There, there.

Oh, oh.

That was a little bit upsetting, yes.

But a sentient house!

That's very impressive.

Yes, I can't deny that.

You Sidor Chun, if we're gonna add some familiars to our adventuring party, like, what is the attribute we're looking for?

Like,

some of these are disturbing and unsettling, but maybe that's a plus?

Like, do we want to have like a creepy, intimidating familiars, or do we want to have like

cute, cuddly familiars or really smart familiars?

I feel like maybe like a floating camel where it's like people pass us and they're like, whoa!

Like that's what I that's what I want to elicit.

It's like a whoa.

We do have a nightmare.

Do you know what that is?

A horse that

only rides at night.

And is on fire.

Whoa.

Like that.

It's an on-fire demon horse.

Okay.

A very, very

ill-behaved familiar next to the hags in the Baba Yaga hut, which are living in the cave.

But we can go see the nightmare if you'd like to see that.

Yeah, that sounds great.

We're talking about a horse that's on fire that you can barely control.

They do eat the severed hands of thieves, but I think you can find

plenty of the horses.

But it has to be thieves.

So we have to find thieve hands?

Yeah, just you need to feed them a hand of glory every month, and if you don't, then they'll try and kill you with the obsidian dagger again.

But

they only have to be fed once a month, handed away.

No problem.

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah, I'm not worried about that.

I want to be on a flaming horse, called a nightmare, when I confront Spintax about this whole gorilla bullshit.

How do you sit on a flaming horse?

Then how would a horse hold a thing?

Oh,

only part is on fire.

Uh, what part's on fire?

Just the mane and the tail.

Uh, well, the mane is pretty close to the sitting part.

I'll be fine.

Arnie, you're going to be riding puddle anyway.

It doesn't matter.

Alright, let's go see this horse.

Alright, well, throw the rest of the treats at the tags of the house, man.

Yeah.

They're getting prowdy.

Okay, goodbye, girls.

Arnie, to answer your earlier question, here's what I'm thinking right now.

We get a trio of oozes.

We get a crow.

We get a couple of rats.

We get a couple of the mid-sized, like, lynxes and pumas that are around here.

we We get and then we and then we so we kind of fill it out with like fun

normal-ish animals and then we get two absolute killers we get a nightmare we get the baba yaga and everybody's like oh cool it's a bunch of like rats and dogs and cats and chickens and whatever normal animal stuff then a nightmare and a baba yaga and they're like what the hell's going on there it's like it's really like shocking all at the end there at the end of the line you you do have to take care of them.

No, we would definitely take care of them.

Well, but who?

You, Sidor?

What?

Are you responsible enough to take care of all these familiars?

I would take care of them every single day if you let me.

The Baba Yaga hut does need a litter box.

I'm so sorry.

They need a really big litter box.

They need a literal box?

Yeah, like a big box full of litter.

Listen, the shit's on that thing.

Yeah.

Alright.

Well, I I suppose.

I suppose that Puddle could carry a cart that would have a litter box in it.

And then,

what does the nightmare need?

Just the Hand of Glory once a month?

Or does it need anything else?

Wood?

You just toss wood on it, man?

Yeah, how do you keep fire going?

It does need constant daily affirmation that it is the most specialist and prettiest horse in the whole entire world.

And if you have any other things.

So it's Arnie.

If you have any other familiars, it does get jealous immediately and tries to kill them.

Oh, really?

Wow, that's good.

That does remind me.

It's been a whole day, and I'm just...

I haven't heard any.

Arnie, you're the tallest and prettiest.

You speak the best.

You sound the best.

You stand the best.

You run the best.

Thank you, buddies.

Thank you.

And your hair is a slightly different color of brown today.

Good job.

Thank you.

All right, the clock is started for tomorrow.

I hate that he he has a literal hourglass.

It's so annoying.

Usidor,

your plan,

here's what I like about your plan.

Yeah.

I like the going big.

I like the flashy familiars.

But would it make more sense for us to just get a handful of flashy familiars?

Because no one's going to be like, did you see that flaming horse and the upside-down

camel?

Oh, and also they had some chickens and some rats and some

upside-down camel.

I didn't know that.

Didn't look at this upside-down camel.

Wow.

Yeah, that one has a bladder problem.

That's why it's upside-down.

Ah, that

explains it.

Yeah, so sometimes

we are a recovery sanctuary as well for familiars with other problems such as bladder problems.

That's fat.

I have no idea what it's like.

But it just looks like this upside-down camel is just peeing all over itself.

It is, but I will say that you can ride the upside-down floating camel as a flying mount.

It does fly.

It's just that he needs constant medication and care for the bladder problem and being upside down, but an excellent familiar and very friendly.

No problems there.

Okay.

I guess I could see how if you're riding it upside down, like holding on to its legs would be handles.

I could kind of see it.

I feel like that's a very wizardly mount.

Yeah,

I could imagine myself astride an upside-down camel.

Arnie, get off that camel.

Let go of its legs.

I mean, it's kind of, I'm just trying to figure it out.

We said we could picture it.

Please let that guy be.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Look at him go.

It's so slippery.

There's so much pee up here.

Look at him go.

It's like a beautiful rain.

Arnie, stop screaming.

It's getting in your mouth.

Arnie.

So like me.

So like me.

Oh,

he needs his medication.

Get him back down.

Why did I get up here?

Now, Arnie, I hear what you were saying before.

You just want the flashy ones, the ones that would be the most impressive.

But the thing is, we also need some very practical familiars because sometimes I'm not Kidman.

This is practical magic.

Um, yeah, Aggie, do you have like is there like a pen for the flashy animals?

So, like a like a salamander or um yes, yeah.

Well, well, I'll

let's go over to the gift shop and I can show you.

Oh, here we go.

Uh, so we have uh quite a few here.

Um, we have a few souvenirs, obviously, of some of our more famous familiars here at the stop, which is the upside-down bladder peeing camel, the Baba Yaga Hut,

the Manticore.

And then you can see here, there's a couple of more oozes and jars.

And then here, you can see our more display familiars that are a little bit more appealing to the eyes, which are the Phoenix.

The Phoenix here.

And this Phoenix does bite, but it also will repeat things that you say.

So it's a give and take.

Huh.

That's fun.

Ooh, the Phoenix is really snuggling up to that Wolverine.

That's going to make someone jealous, I'm sure.

The Phoenix has a strange relationship with the Wolverine.

They were raised together.

Seems they feel safe with

them.

They're a package deal.

Oh.

Oh, look, there's a crystal ball with already.

There's...

There's a little image of you getting pissed in the mouth by the camel.

Can I...

Oh, okay.

The prints are five gold?

Yes, yes.

You can take the crystal ball with a print of your ride on the camel back home with you for five gold.

Oh, yes, here you go.

It's how we make money for the sanctuary.

Sure, sure.

I also see a sign here that says five coins if you don't buy anything.

That's only really if we don't like you.

Or if you have your arm eaten off.

Oh, shit.

Only by, only by the hags of the Manticore and the Barba Yaga Hut.

There's a few things here that, like arms.

A lot.

Chunt, chunt, sidor.

Yep.

Just real quick, remind me: in all 10 years of this podcast, yes, you're very pretty, you're very good, you're very tall.

You're the tallest guy.

You sit down with perfect grace.

Okay, you're good for another 48 hours.

But I'm trying to remember: in the 10 years of this podcast, have we ever stolen anything?

Like,

by any definition, would we be considered people with

thieves' hands?

Ooh, good question.

I'm guessing we have

four.

We're way down.

We went through a cave.

We're in a gift shop.

We're far away from where anyone could hear us.

I don't.

Surrounded by crazy animals,

including one that

has an insatiable thirst for thieve hands.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now look, I

can't deny that at some point we've probably taken something we weren't supposed to take.

Well, that's strange.

The nightmare seems to be riding up against its enclosure.

Okay, but we're not thieves.

We've never declared ourselves thieves.

We've never, like,

I've never seen it this agitated.

Okay, we, but we've never, like, snuck in somewhere and, like, ooh, we're going to thieve this thing away.

Like, we've never done that, I don't think, have we?

No one's jumped over the fence.

Okay, all right, we've got to get out of here before this thing eats our hands.

Uh, look, hey, back off.

Oh, no, Reginald, Reginald, back off.

Reginald!

Reginald!

Also, Chuck, you clearly just put that ooze in your pocket and we're gonna pay for it.

Yeah.

Oh my god, the nightmare saw that.

No, get back, Reginald.

Reginald!

Ow, ow, ow.

The ooze is burning.

Ow, the ooze is burning.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

The horse is biting, the loose is burning.

The horse is biting, the ooze is burning.

I need to get the staff out of here.

The staff are going to be in.

Oh, no, the building's on fire.

Sure, cut all.

Cut off.

We gotta get out of this place.

It's on fire.

The only thing that's gonna save us from the fire, everybody on the pee camel.

Everyone on the upside down pee camel.

Everybody.

Reginald, no, I told you to.

Oh, no.

Yeah, let's get all the animals on the pea camel.

Quick.

Grab the.

Oh, come here.

Oh.

At least grab two of everyone.

Come here, little Bobby Yagas.

We need two of every creature on the piss camel.

Come here.

Come on, night hacks.

Come on.

I thought that you all loved us.

Spider-Man, the P-Camel, come back.

Spider-Man comes back.

That's a good good name!

Come in, Gamble!

Come in with Spider Gamble!

Come back, Spider-Man!

You loved us!

Well, Aggie, we made it out.

Thank you for showing us your sanctuary.

I'm so sorry that we seem to have burned the place to the ground.

I just saw one of my staff members pulling out a bunch of snakes and passing out.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, oh, they were hydra heads.

It's fine.

Okay, I'm gonna cast like a rain spell to try to get this under control.

So I'll just be over here doing that.

I thought would be nice.

Why he does that?

Do you mind if we answer some emails?

That sounds great.

These were all my familiars after all and I'll just mourn them in my own time.

Sure.

Okay, well, here's

listeners can email us the show.

You can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address or you can join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern here's an email we got recently arnie chunt and usidor oh and this is interesting because this references something chunt that you said at the beginning of the episode

you had mentioned salad tomorrow recently i still remember hearing that phrase so many years ago i am waiting for this to be on sale i am actively losing weight and i would love it to be one of the first t-shirts I've worn in a long time.

Don't really know what that means.

Please sell the shirt.

Thanks, Shrike.

Actively losing weight, so they're running out of patience?

I guess so.

Wait, how is weight spelled?

Artie.

I forgot.

It's Artie.

Never mind.

Here's the problem.

There's waiting and wait.

It's spelled a couple different ways in the email.

And I'm just going to say.

Also, that's not the phrase.

What?

Salad tomorrow.

Wasn't it salad tomorrow?

The phrase is tomorrow salad.

Oh, you're right.

Huh.

Okay, well, we should do the right one.

But what about horse tomorrow?

I think that's tomorrow.

No, no, tomorrow horse.

Am I the only one listening?

Okay, here's what I'm going to say.

I'm going to change my shirt in our merch store.

to now be tomorrow salad.

It will be there for a limited time.

And it's now on like dashery.

The link's in the bio.

It's still essentially TeePublic, but we get a better cut of it.

So I encourage you to buy Tomorrow Salad today.

Hmm.

Yes, but go to the Dashery page, not the TeePublic page.

It's different.

Something just week.

We don't know.

We get a better cut, I think.

So what's my shirt going to be?

Spider-Man the Piss Camel?

Think about it, Yucator.

I fear we'd be shut down very quickly for that, but

it is tempting.

While you think about that, let me read one more email.

Here's another email.

It's pretty short.

It just says, your voice has so much bass, my butt vibrates on car rides.

Keep up the glorious work.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, Arnie.

Your voice has so much bass.

You're the bassiest.

You have the longest neck, and your arms are so strong.

Was that intended for all three of us?

I'm not sure who it was for, but thank you, Chunt, for complimenting me me again.

You're good for another stakeout.

Wait a minute.

Another stakeout?

Arnie, who wrote that email?

They didn't say.

I mean, I'm not going to just give out their email address because

so many people are going to want to get in touch with this pervert.

Here's what I want to do.

Let's assume their name is pervert.

Everyone, including you, Aggie, if you'd like, let's all give this pervert what they want.

Oh, there's no bass here.

It's just yelling.

Just shrill yelling.

It's exactly what they don't want.

Pervert, turn up the volume as high as you want.

Here we go.

Thank you for the email.

Thank you for the email.

And

thank you for the email.

I literally couldn't think of anything to say.

I was so focused on trying to sound as bassy as possible.

Now look who's talking.

Oh, shit.

Guys.

I almost forgot the promise we made at the beginning of the episode.

We were going to jump on our horses and head straight for Hogsface.

Aggie, I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much.

You're pleased to be aware of the horse.

There's no more horses.

There's no more.

They've all ran away because my entire sanctuary is on fire.

Yeah, but

they're less troubled.

And in a way, they've been set free, and we saved many of them.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Spider-Ban's back.

Piss Campbell's back.

Do you want him?

Not so fast.

Maybe we do.

He does seem friendly.

He's got really big eyes and they're really wet.

All right.

We'll take Spider-Man the piss camel.

Hear me out, Usidor.

We have a bad habit of getting new horses and immediately forgetting that we have them and losing them because we can't remember their names.

It seems like it would be really hard for us to forget Spider-Man the upside-down piss camel.

Fine.

Please, can we keep him?

Please, can we keep him?

Yes, we can keep him.

Who saved who, am I right?

Adoptionist forever.

Thank you so much, Aggie.

Here's an extra five coins.

Hooray!

I can eat today.

All right, my codependent friends.

Wait, hold on.

We really got to take your egg.

All right, here's another five coins.

We've saved.

All right.

Usidor, Chunt, my codependent friends, let's hop on this upside-down piss camel and head to Hogsface.

Wee!

Wee!

Huzzah!

We're on our way!

Goodbye, friends!

Goodbye!

I can't believe you ordered a tea when you hadn't eaten in a long time.

It's fine.

I have no boundaries.

As if I even need to say it, Spider-Man the upside-down piss camel was never heard from again.

Well, now there's a Tomorrow Salad t-shirt available in the merch store for a limited time.

I suppose you get the t-shirts you deserve.

Link to the Dashery store in the show notes.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Aggie Thistlefield was played by special guest Holly Conrad.

Check out Holly's Twitch channel, where she streams mental health Mondays at twitch.tv/slash birdholly.

Also, her website, hollyconrad.com, her online store, We Crowing Hens, and her art.

The Gorilla Familiar was played by Charlie McCracken.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie, Chunt, and Usidor answer questions from patrons.

Remember when I invented that format?

Anyway, here's the diminishing returns clip.

Arnie, I feel like almost daily you do proclaim that women be shopping.

What is bills be going crazy?

Bills be going crazy?

Huh.

You know, we keep getting word back from my world that things are getting more and more expensive.

That's a good thing, right?

No, well, I mean, I'm no economist, but I imagine it's a painful thing for people if they're used to paying one price or something and they have to pay more for it.

Well, I'm sure employers everywhere will raise wages accordingly.

Harney, is your friend Abdul looking for you, do you think?

Who?

A doll?

Oh, Adel.

Yeah, I have a friend back on Earth named Adel.

Oh, you're saying it wrong.

I'm sure he's tirelessly looking for me.

And probably, like, that guy, he won't quit.

He, I'm sure he remembers me and is spending a lot of time looking for me.

Now, my friend Matt Young, he's probably dead.

Sure.

I mean, you can't live long with a name like that.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Marissa Ewing.

Welcome to the team, Marissa.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.