Patreon Unlock: Boys Night: Camping

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Speaker 3 School's out for summer, boys and grills. And what better way to beat the heat than with a cool-as-can-be slice of comedy contraband smuggled to your ears on Bootleg Craig's Pirate Patreon Radio?

Speaker 3 Once again, I've slipped into the vaults of the Magic Tavern Patreon and liberated a bonus transmission from the clutches of the paywall.

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Speaker 2 More on that after the show.

Speaker 3 Keep on cruising through summer break and join the hosts for a boys night, special camping edition.

Speaker 1 Boys night, motherfuckers. Boys night, motherfuckers.

Speaker 2 Motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 Oh, all right.

Speaker 1 I don't know that I've ever heard you say the phrase motherfuckers.

Speaker 2 That can't be right.

Speaker 1 Give me some examples of times when you would use that word. Well,

Speaker 2 I once knew a very sad man who had a very sad existence and a bad relationship with his mother.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 2 Let's see, when else would I have said it? Pretty sure I've yelled it at evildoers at some point.

Speaker 2 Remember those two evil dogs?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Those motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 Flip and flap. Ugh.

Speaker 2 I don't know if those are the ones I was thinking of, but I don't care for flip and flap either.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, who are you thinking of?

Speaker 2 There's two of them. They're evil.
The dogs. They talk a lot about being evil dogs.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're describing flip and flap to us.

Speaker 2 I think I am. I guess I am talking about flip and flap.
Oh, and remember when we were on

Speaker 2 Cowboy World?

Speaker 2 I feel like I said it a lot while we were there.

Speaker 1 Also, Cocksucker. Boquistra and Talimpia.
The Chihuahuas. I was...
Yes, yes, yes. Right there.

Speaker 1 That was just me

Speaker 1 slowly answering. I wasn't looking anything up.
The evil skinny dogs. Then who are Flip and Flap? Who are Flippin' Flap? Are there more evil dogs we need to worry about?

Speaker 2 Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, dogs can be evil, just like anyone else. You have to constantly be vigilant against the forces of evil.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a choice.
I feel it does seem a little tough just knowing some dogs it feels a little tough because dogs are inherently sort of

Speaker 1 you know um sinners

Speaker 1 they chase they bite they boop sure they bark are those wait those are sins all of those chasing's a sin biting's a sin pooping's a sin pooping's a sin getting up on the couch getting up on the couch is a huge sin being a bad boy sin um

Speaker 1 chasing the scroll man don't chase the scroll man he's just doing his job

Speaker 1 doing his job how is he gonna get your scrolls exactly being afraid of using scrolls all the time and now like when's the last time he wrote a scroll huh yeah well i think the scroll system started using snails and that was a huge mistake you think that's a huge mistake uh i think so yeah i stand by that i really like snail male

Speaker 1 okay you're the one i guess yeah you sort of had a good one looking at themselves in mirrors or whatever you said. That's a huge sin for dogs.

Speaker 1 And here's the thing, Arnie. I don't know if you've, you know, obviously we haven't had a ton of dogs on the show because we're conflating them with each other.

Speaker 1 But when you see a dog, typically a citizen, will sarcastically go, good boy, what a good boy.

Speaker 1 Because obviously they're evil and sinners and being awful. Sure.
Yeah. So pooping, look, we're out, we're camping, we're having, you know, we're getting a little closer, we're bonding.

Speaker 1 Can Can we all be honest here?

Speaker 1 We all poop, right? Of course. Arnie, everybody poops.
But not everybody poops standing up. So I want you to feel comforted, but not too comforted.
I see.

Speaker 1 But it's a sin, you're saying. It's a sin depending on how you do it.
Now, Arnie, when you stand up and poop, that's a sin. I also didn't want to make a huge deal out of this.

Speaker 1 Obviously, two weeks ago, Arnie, you and I both know we made eye contact. Obviously, I walked in on you.
You were laying flat on your stomach, arms at your side, and you were pooping.

Speaker 1 Flat on your stomach on the floor, arms at your side,

Speaker 1 just straight as a board, and you were pooping. And I am trying.
I was trying something out. Oh, oh, oh, I have a follow-up question, Chant.
Oh, what was the first question?

Speaker 2 Uh, oh, uh, well, I guess it's just a clarifying question then. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 So, uh, where was the poop all going?

Speaker 1 Buddy,

Speaker 1 you don't want to know. He's just sitting on top of his butthole.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, poop is more pushing out more poop?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know how sometimes at the tavern. It was going straight up.

Speaker 1 You know how sometimes at the tavern you'll get like a shot or a drink and they'll put a floater on it? Like they'll put an extra shot on top of the cocktail and it just sort of sits on top.

Speaker 2 They call it a floater.

Speaker 1 Ernie was doing a floater where...

Speaker 1 Look. Do I regret the product? Like what happened?

Speaker 1 Yes. Do I regret that I had a spirit of experimentation just to see what would happen? No.

Speaker 1 Don't regret the shit. Regret the shitter.
Regret the style, Arnie.

Speaker 1 The product is the product. We all, like I said, everybody.
Oh, this is a good spot. Okay, yeah.
Let's pop our tents here. Okay.

Speaker 1 That was a heavy, heavy bindle I had.

Speaker 2 And I put some steaks in the ground so I can put the fire.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's cook this. We were also supposed to bring bindles? Yeah, a bindle with sticks and tarps.
to make a tent. We're going to bring everything.

Speaker 1 I just thought we were going to walk to a cabin or something out out here.

Speaker 2 No, we have to build a shelter, Arnie.

Speaker 1 Arnie, say we found a cabin. You think we can just kick in the door and sleep there? I mean, we've done that.
We have done that before. Oh, you're right.
Yeah. Yeah, we've done that.

Speaker 1 We've got a cabin.

Speaker 1 All right, well, let's keep going. Pick up the stuff.
I'll get these straight.

Speaker 1 What stuff do we not have that I was supposed to bring?

Speaker 2 I just really packed heavy, assuming you weren't going to bring things.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, we have a bag of holding a Usida's hat, which sort of has unlimited space. So

Speaker 1 I'll never learn my lesson. Okay, I brought...
Here's my checklist.

Speaker 1 10 sticks, check. One chunt-sized tarp.

Speaker 2 Check.

Speaker 1 One acoustic guitar.

Speaker 1 Check and check. And I mean, check.

Speaker 1 20 graham crackers, check.

Speaker 1 20 chunks of chocolate. Check.
20 marshmallows. Check.
Five additional marshmallows for when Arnie inevitably burns them. Check.

Speaker 1 Alright, I think I got everything.

Speaker 2 And my list says: good food, check, good times, check, good friends. Open checkbox.

Speaker 1 I've never wanted something painted on a piece of wood more and hanging in the bathroom than that fridge. I have a piece of paper in my pocket that I realized was my checklist.

Speaker 1 These are the things that I didn't bring, and I'm so sorry I didn't bring gas, grass, or ass. Arnie, you always bring the ass, baby.

Speaker 1 Wait, what's this on on the back of this list? Give it here.

Speaker 1 Learn Spanish. Become more thoughtful.

Speaker 1 Love yourself twice as much. What is all this?

Speaker 2 Why are none of them checked off?

Speaker 1 Well, it's an...

Speaker 1 I know you guys don't have this as much here, but it's a new year, at least on Earth. It's now 2025, I believe.
If my math is correct, then it's probably wrong.

Speaker 1 It's 2025, so it's a new year, just sort of thinking about things I

Speaker 1 want to accomplish. Oh, oh, that's cool.
We should all do that. You sir, we should have...

Speaker 1 What does Arnie call them? Goals? We should have goals.

Speaker 2 Yes, let's have some new year goals. It's 48,247, and it's time to recommit ourselves.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, was that the score of like a mittens game or something? What was that?

Speaker 2 No, that's... It's a chunt by the Foonish calendar.
It's 48,247.

Speaker 1 Already? It feels like it was just 48,215 yesterday.

Speaker 2 I know. I'm still putting 47 whatever on my checks still.

Speaker 1 Oh, and don't even get me started about 48,239. Am I right, Wink Wing?

Speaker 1 I was around during 48, 239. Wait, was I? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, yeah, you were.

Speaker 1 Ernie, I'm talking about a different 44,289 or whatever I said. I guess maybe that was when the Dark Lord had imprisoned all of Hogsface.
So, in that case,

Speaker 1 what a year.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 Well, we can kind of, you know, while we're setting up our tents, we can kind of think of our goals. We don't have to just sit here and list them, I don't think.

Speaker 1 Resolutions.

Speaker 2 Yes. Oh, resolutions.

Speaker 1 You're always answering the questions. Resolutions.
And I didn't just look that up. Resolutions.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I know it was over 50 years ago, but I can't stop thinking about the 90s.

Speaker 1 You love the 90s.

Speaker 2 I love the 90s.

Speaker 1 I love the 80s. Ernie, what do you love? I love you guys.
Chunky. Oh, I love you guys.
Usidor. Very sweet.

Speaker 1 We've gotten through the holidays, through all millions of them, and now we're starting a new year, and it's just nice to sort of take a little time with my good buds, have a boys' night.

Speaker 1 Boys' night, motherfuckers! Boy's night! Boys' night, motherfuckers!

Speaker 1 Motherfuckers. Yeah, it just sounds weird when Usidor says it.
Yeah, it's too much of a pause, I think, in between.

Speaker 2 I should do it all together?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Boys' night, motherfuckers!

Speaker 1 Nice one. Hey, User, will you hear me that tarp over there? Sure, here you go.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I accidentally threw it. Would you go, um, would you go way over there and track it down and bring it back? Sorry, I threw it.
Sure, no problem. Hey, Arnie.
Hey, Arnie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I noticed you threw that tarp. It seemed like you did that on purpose.
Shit, he's already back. Oh, good, Usidar.
Good. You scratched my head to ear.
What a good

Speaker 1 wizard. Oh, thank you.
Hey, User, I bet you can't find a hundred mushrooms in this forest.

Speaker 1 Watch me!

Speaker 1 Oh, he keeps looking back to see if I'm watching him. Good job, buddy.
Thank you. He's shaking every bush just to see if a mushroom pops out.
Stop looking back and waving. He's like a kid at the pool.

Speaker 1 Good job, buddy.

Speaker 2 I'm going to see if there are any at the top of that waterfall.

Speaker 1 Ooh, good call.

Speaker 1 Oh, here, Arnie, let me throw my keys in the waterfall so he can go dive down and get them. Hey, Arnie, I just want to give you a heads up just in case Yeastor starts acting a little weird.

Speaker 1 Last year, you really upset him. What? Remember New Year's last year? We were all having a good time.
We were getting drunk.

Speaker 1 And then you sang that song. Oh.

Speaker 1 You sang some songs. Song December by the Counting Crows.
Yeah. User thought that was the saddest song ever written, and it really upset him.
But is that why he always gets upset when I say, Yeah,

Speaker 1 wait, that's you told me that's the

Speaker 1 catchphrase from Entourage?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Similar. Similar.
There's sort of nuanced differences. Mine is more of a kind of almost a meow singing, like...

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, surely whatever cat-like man produced that yowl would never date any attractive celebrities. Well, no friends.

Speaker 1 Surely no friends.

Speaker 2 I found about 48 mushrooms so far.

Speaker 2 I think I could find some more if I go over that hill there. It's just one more day up in the canyons.

Speaker 1 Go get it. Go get him, buddy.
Go get him. Well, look, I'm just saying, I've got reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.
And, Arnie, I believe that.

Speaker 1 I absolutely, you know, I've been hanging around. I've been hanging around, waiting for that to be the case.
And I do believe that one day it will be.

Speaker 1 But, Arnie, what really upset him was that other... There was some sort of New Year song you sang.

Speaker 1 And you sang some lyrics that were like may old acquaintance be forgotten oh you really it was a song that was basically like forget your friends like let's not hear from them anymore and it really really had an effect on him so i'm just saying don't sing that song or if you or if you do sing the song like i don't know just make it more welcoming so i see

Speaker 1 he interpreted that song as being because he's old i'm gonna forget about him yeah if you had just said may acquaintances be forgotten, hey, that affects all of us. But when you say old acquaintances,

Speaker 1 do you think it would be better if I sang when he comes back, if I said,

Speaker 1 don't you

Speaker 1 forget about me?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, I think I think that'd be good. Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Arnie, what are you doing? Don't watch.

Speaker 1 Oh, hey, hey, don't watch it. Yeah, hunter mushrooms, good job.
Uh, don't

Speaker 1 you You'd rather. Don't you

Speaker 1 forget about me.

Speaker 1 Arnie, move. Arnie, don't move.
Ernie, you pumped your hand in the air and you froze. Arnie, move.
What are you doing? You. Arnie, move.

Speaker 1 I'm stuck. I don't know why.
Forget about me. You sir, did you do this? Is this some sort of magic? Is he trying to hypnotize me? La la la la.

Speaker 1 La la la la.

Speaker 1 I won't forget about you, Arnie. You needn't worry about that.

Speaker 1 No, I suppose I should should worry. There's no way since I'm so old and worthless and forgettable.
I don't remember anything. Might as well just throw me in that canyon and bury me right now.

Speaker 1 No, don't you forget the song.

Speaker 1 This simple mind over here. Well,

Speaker 1 just, Arnie,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry I called you a simple mind. Just unfreeze and help me out.
No, you sir, you are not old. Whoa! Did your beard get less white?

Speaker 1 Uh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm, I mean, probably just naturally.

Speaker 2 for who you know wizards wizards are full of magical power and I perhaps I am getting younger day by day.

Speaker 1 I think so. Also, your feet don't look as fucked up as they usually do.
So

Speaker 2 just getting handsomer and handsomer each passing day.

Speaker 1 Well, it backfired Arnie.

Speaker 1 He fell into his own ego.

Speaker 1 You sador.

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Speaker 2 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. While traditions can offer a sense of continuity, creating meaningful new traditions that reflect our growth is just as important.

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Speaker 1 He fell into his own ego

Speaker 1 Usidor.

Speaker 1 I love you, buddy. You're so young.

Speaker 2 Well, yes, I'm only what, what, uh, 350 years old or so, uh, give or take.

Speaker 1 So, what year were you brought into this world again?

Speaker 1 Assuming that this year now is 48 to 47.

Speaker 1 We don't have to assume we know that.

Speaker 2 Well, I was brought into the world

Speaker 2 in the year 4895.

Speaker 1 In the future? Wait, what was that number?

Speaker 2 Sorry, 47, 995.

Speaker 2 Like I said, I keep messing up my checks.

Speaker 1 What was that number you said at first? Chun he's sundown. What does that mean? I think we're going to have to...
Usaurus is getting too old. Oh my gosh, are we going to have to put him in a hut?

Speaker 1 I don't want to put him in a hut. Oh, my parents put their parents in a hut, and it was the saddest thing ever.
I'd go visit.

Speaker 1 And it was just like a bunch of... Oh, I don't want that.
It's so weird how in Foon, when people get old enough, they have to put their parents in an abandoned pizza hut.

Speaker 1 And you always know that that's where elderly people are because you're like, I think I see the shape. Is that an old pizza hut? Yeah.
And when they, you know, shuffle off, they all go to Pizza Hell.

Speaker 1 That's the deal we made with Pizza Skull thousands of years ago, and we have to hold up our ends. Can't change it now, Arnie.
Can't change it now. Well, no,

Speaker 2 I assume you've done the math by now, and I've realized that's really only about 255 years, and I'm clearly 350 years old, but I once spent 50 years living as a blacksmith in a pocket dimension, a bunch of other little kind of side quests to other pocket universes and such.

Speaker 1 So I'm about 350.

Speaker 2 It just linearly doesn't work with the, you know, the calendar.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, the math wasn't math.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I assumed you had already both done that math.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 I did math for two. Well, my friend is impressed that I noticed that you set a date in the future to start.

Speaker 2 Well, thank you for correcting me because I misspoke, which happens as you get younger and handsomer. Sometimes

Speaker 2 you also get less intelligent because you haven't learned as much because you're younger.

Speaker 2 It's not because I'm dying my beard.

Speaker 1 Your face smells like blueberries right now.

Speaker 2 It shouldn't, because I certainly wouldn't have rubbed blueberries all over my beard to try to look younger.

Speaker 1 Well, if

Speaker 1 It looks good. It looks good.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you, Trump.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's all...

Speaker 1 Thank you for the hundred mushrooms. Chucks those aside.

Speaker 1 Let's go ahead and put up our tent right here. Should we eat those?

Speaker 1 Nah, let's have that just be like our little secret. Oh, secret stash.

Speaker 4 Ooh, secret mushrooms.

Speaker 1 Maybe we can eventually trade them in for like a big coin or a pipe.

Speaker 2 Well, if we're not going to do do anything with them right now, I'm going to put them in a secret box with a giant question mark on it. So no one will find them.
And I'll float that box in the air.

Speaker 1 Error

Speaker 1 Kabal.

Speaker 2 That way, no one shall find what's inside.

Speaker 1 Just to be extra safe, can you make it invisible? So you have to know it's there to hit it? Sure, no problem.

Speaker 1 Have you guys seen my warped whistle? Sort of a whistle to ward off wolves. Huh?

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought you were trying to show us your penis again.

Speaker 1 No, my warp whistle, my warped whistle.

Speaker 1 We'll blow it up. Every time you're saying you're about to pitch the tents, I thought that that's what was going to happen.
Oh, well, setting up camp gives me a boner. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Actually, Uzur, would you mind grabbing maybe like 10 of the mushrooms out of that secret box? Because I thought to maybe

Speaker 1 cook up some dinner. Is that okay? Some late-night dinner? Is that cool? Sure.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have to go over there and jump and punch it with one hand.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, his wrist must must be broken. Did you hear that sound, Arnie? Yeah.
His wrist is broken. Yikes.

Speaker 1 Oh, his hand sounds like a tight bag full of nails. Oh, buddy.

Speaker 1 Stop punching it.

Speaker 2 I only got about six.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's one per punch. That's a bad system.

Speaker 1 At that point, you should just go pick new mushrooms. It's much easier to pick a mushroom than to punch an invisible brick in the sky.
Hey, I wish I would have known.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to cook these mushrooms up real quick. While I cook them,

Speaker 1 obviously, we can't sort of like fast forward that. Like, clearly, we have to sit and watch me cook them.
Sure.

Speaker 1 Could you guys sing like a little song or something just so I don't get bored cooking these?

Speaker 1 All right, now I'm tossing them.

Speaker 1 Sorry, a new song. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Done.

Speaker 1 Cook mushrooms. That can't be right.
That can't be right. Let's see.
What did I put in the pan?

Speaker 4 Mushrooms? Mushrooms.

Speaker 1 Did you put anything else in there? No.

Speaker 2 Do you have any butter or salmon?

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah.

Speaker 1 I put a bad in there.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me put the cooked mushrooms in.

Speaker 1 Some butter and some salmon. I'll sing something.

Speaker 1 Salmon picata?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I guess I just don't. When I toss stuff in the pan, I just don't know.
I guess I don't know what it's going to be called. It's just kind of a

Speaker 1 this is exciting, guys. I'm excited.
Salmon Mikata, motherfucker. Salmon Mikata, motherfuckers.
Salmon Mikata, motherfuckers. Whew.
Alright, this is fun.

Speaker 1 Alright, let me... I brought some travel plates here.

Speaker 1 Did anybody bring booze?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 I have a leather skin filled with wine.

Speaker 1 Oh, Usar, I thought you were trying to show us your penis.

Speaker 2 Well, is anyone...

Speaker 1 Do you remember that time Isidor was trying to convince us us that his penis is full of wine? He said, no, trust me, it's a bladder. It's full of wine.
And we're like, that is your penis.

Speaker 2 I mean, technically, it sort of works the same way when you think about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Then he started calling it

Speaker 1 his malcock.

Speaker 1 Is that something? Is that a

Speaker 1 play on Malba?

Speaker 1 Is that a play on Malbeck? Yes.

Speaker 1 And you said, because I don't want to rush back. Can I just,

Speaker 1 guys, I love you so much. It's a new year.
Can we just celebrate?

Speaker 1 It took almost 10 years for one of us to say something. And that to lead to so much confusion that we didn't just glaze past it.

Speaker 1 Malcock finally broke us.

Speaker 1 Wait, were you trying to say this?

Speaker 2 Ani, I've decided to forget about you.

Speaker 1 Don't! Don't, don't, don't, don't. Maybe someone has some Ries Dong.
Riesling.

Speaker 2 Perhaps someone has some

Speaker 2 Rosé Tits.

Speaker 1 Some penis or noir. Oh, Usidor, do you remember?

Speaker 2 That was the best one so far.

Speaker 1 Usur, do you remember Rosie Tits? Oh, of course. Oh, Arnie, before you tell me.
Tell me more. Usidor and I fell in love with the same woman.
Her name was Rosie Tits. Oh.

Speaker 1 Papa Papa.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's no.

Speaker 1 Huh. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yep, she was great. So let's dig back into this chicken salmon picada, whatever it was.
Chicken salmon? How did I get chicken in my salmon picata?

Speaker 2 Did you put some chicken in there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd probably do it. Huh.
Well, uh, thinking of um good old Rosie reminds me, uh,

Speaker 2 you know, uh, since she passed away so tragically.

Speaker 4 Oh, and we should tell ghost stories.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Could you Gaelie Vichtencommer maybe like your fork or something so we can pass it around? Gaily Vlichtencammer.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 4 And hold it under your chin.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Lean forward. Yes.

Speaker 2 Remind the others that

Speaker 2 once upon a time

Speaker 2 there was a man who died.

Speaker 2 He died in his own home, alone and broken. No one had even come to visit him for over a month.
He just withered away into nothingness.

Speaker 2 And then, when he died, he didn't even realize he had died. And then, when a new family moved in,

Speaker 1 he was still there.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Wait, I'm confused.

Speaker 2 He didn't realize he died, so he just sort of hung out there

Speaker 1 in the corner.

Speaker 2 When the new family moved in, he was like, oh, I guess I'm a ghost because no one's talking to me.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Was his body still there? Like, what happened to his body? Well, where's his body?

Speaker 2 Well, that's when he finally was like, oh, I guess that wasn't my old twin.

Speaker 2 And then they dragged it out of there, you know, and buried it.

Speaker 2 And he kind of just, he hung out in the corner and just sort of like, you know, watched them.

Speaker 2 I mean, he really got into watching them.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, I'm listening.
Kakane, Chardonnay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he watched them, you know, you know, grow old together, and then they died. And they turned into ghosts.

Speaker 1 And so they can finally see him.

Speaker 2 Like, you've been here this whole time.

Speaker 1 Get the hell out of here. The whole time? The whole time?

Speaker 1 Did he lie about it, or was he like, guys, I saw everything?

Speaker 2 No, he wasn't a particularly smart ghost.

Speaker 2 He could have easily come up with a lie.

Speaker 2 Just floating through here, whatever. And instead,

Speaker 2 he admitted, you know, I've been watching you make love, bear children, raise those children, and those children are grieving for your bodies right over there right now.

Speaker 1 Bear children, where?

Speaker 1 What? Careful. Arnie, there are cubs in this forest, so be careful.
And there's an animal war going on, so we just have to be really careful. Oh.
True.

Speaker 1 I feel like you don't need to worry about the cubs right now. You know? I don't know.

Speaker 1 They could win against us at any time. I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's how they get you. They make you think that they're going to win against you.
Sorry, sir. You were saying that they all fucked or something?

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 The original ghost asked them. He was like, can you guys, even as ghosts? Can you still can I still watch and they were like get out of here and they killed him.

Speaker 1 Oh wait, he was double dead double dead then so then he watched did then his double ghost watch their ghosts right Bonnie have we told you about being

Speaker 1 grabs the fork puts it under chin double dead no

Speaker 1 if you ever

Speaker 1 ever have the misfortune to be double dead,

Speaker 1 you have to wander the subdimension searching for five red flags. They could be anywhere.

Speaker 1 Could be in a giant pie. Could slide down a big tongue and there's one of the flags in there.

Speaker 1 Would you have to like look for prizes or clues and like a giant nose? Yes. You also have to shave balloons.

Speaker 1 You don't put less shaving cream on a balloon, then shave it. Yes.
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you have to pop balloons and see how much of whatever was inside you can get into your partner's bucket that's on their head.

Speaker 1 It's really fun. It's fucked.

Speaker 1 It sounds like it. Yeah.
There's so many details in this ghost story. Yes, that's what it means.

Speaker 1 But that's not my ghost story.

Speaker 2 If you're double dead, does it sometimes help to have your big brother there with you?

Speaker 1 Or your parents sometimes, if I remember correctly? I mean, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, never mind. If you want a family double dead.
But family double dead isn't as funny. Oh, no, that's so much much worse.
Like a whole family double dead double dead.

Speaker 1 It's so much sadder because the whole family's there and you're like, uh, and like, dad's making an ass of himself. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it possible to be triple dead? That's

Speaker 1 stupid. Not yet, Artie.
Not yet. But here's my.

Speaker 1 Here's my ghost story.

Speaker 1 Mama, mama, ta-ta-ta-ta. Rosie tail.
Guitar.

Speaker 1 Rosie tides.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go pee in in the woods. I'll be back.
Watch out for bears.

Speaker 1 Why is he snubbing me? You, sir, what do you mean he's not snubbing you?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Oh, complaining about how I'm going to forget him, even though he clearly wants to forget me.

Speaker 2 Having me he sent me on that wild goose chase to find all those mushrooms, then he didn't even want them.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 yes, he did do that. Uh,

Speaker 1 I think I think you're both being weird because you think the other person's being weird. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 Right, but I come and buy it honestly.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 okay, then you, then you're right. Then you're right, he is snubbing you, and we should, and we should, uh, how do you want to handle this?

Speaker 2 Well, I did bring some makings for s'mores, so we could have those as a dessert.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you brought makings for s'mores.

Speaker 2 If we first devour Arnie, what I say we cook him and eat him.

Speaker 1 Arnie? Wait, our Arnie? Yeah. Six foot six or whatever, salmon polo? Oh, salmon picante.
Salmon polo. What are we doing? Look,

Speaker 1 what are we doing here?

Speaker 2 If we're not going to eat him now, then when are we going to eat him?

Speaker 1 Hold, you got to be honest. You have to tell me.
Is this still part of your ghost story?

Speaker 2 You got me, Chunt. Oh, phew.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fuck it up, I'll pee. Alright, I'm back.

Speaker 1 Arnie, did you go pee just for that? I did. I did.

Speaker 1 I had to squeeze out a few drops just because it felt like I had to, you know, it would land better if I really impede. Yeah, you'd sell it.
But wait, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 Arnie,

Speaker 1 turn around

Speaker 1 very slowly. Okay.
To the left or to the right? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Okay, good. I'm turning.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, you sitar. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

Speaker 1 Arnie, you have, you have a giant timber leech on your back. A timber leech? Yes, a timber leech.

Speaker 2 It's going to be all right, Arnie.

Speaker 1 Arnie, it's gonna be okay. First of all, what are timber leeches? Do they suck wood?

Speaker 1 Arnie, now's not the time to make me horny.

Speaker 2 Well, they're they're giant leeches that live in the woods, hence the name Timber Leeches. And they steal your thoughts and your memories and a lot of your bodily fluids, not just blood.

Speaker 1 What did you just say?

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm. Yes, what's my name?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You look familiar, but I feel like I've forgotten about you. Hey! Oh, this is the worst timing.

Speaker 1 Get off of there!

Speaker 2 Get down!

Speaker 1 Get down! Get- Hey, get down! No, no.

Speaker 2 Hey, put that back. Put that back where you found it.
Put his memories back. Then get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Wait, what do you have in your mouth? What do you have in your mouth?

Speaker 2 What's in your mouth?

Speaker 1 Give it, give it, give it, spin it out. Give.
Usidor's name, really. You're gonna crawl off.

Speaker 2 Like, we weren't gonna see that.

Speaker 1 Bad leech. Bad leech.

Speaker 2 Get out of here.

Speaker 1 It's gonna take maybe 20 minutes for him to get out of here, but he is headed in the right direction. So, Arnie, are you okay? I think so.
He's getting out of here so slowly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, leeches should go for speed.

Speaker 1 Eat him,

Speaker 1 Arnie or the leech.

Speaker 2 The leech.

Speaker 1 Oh, well,

Speaker 1 no, the leech. Wait a minute, Arnie didn't bring anything, so in a way, he's kind of leeching off our supplies.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow, what a great theme for this episode.

Speaker 1 Boys night,

Speaker 1 Boy's night, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Okay, um, uh, I'm gonna tell my ghost story. Uh, Arnie and Usidor, Arnie, what's his name?

Speaker 1 Usidor. You got it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Blue.

Speaker 1 Blue. Look at what I'm wearing.
Oh, yeah. You got it.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 you guys make some spars, and I'm going to tell my ghost story. Okay.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 40 years ago, on this very night, a man walked into a restaurant and he ordered the special.

Speaker 1 You guys wouldn't know this, but the special that day was steak.

Speaker 1 16 ounces of prime seared steak.

Speaker 1 It came to his table and he picked up his fork and knife and started to cut into the steak.

Speaker 1 And as he was cutting,

Speaker 1 his knife stopped. no.

Speaker 1 What is this? He said, I think. You think?

Speaker 1 By the time this is done, he's dead. Like, the guy dies.
So we don't know what he said. I see.
You know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Some of this you're like piecing together clues.

Speaker 2 Just take some poetic license.

Speaker 1 You're fine. You're profiling him.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah. It's like when people write books about like Stonehenge and they're like, this is probably what happened.
Right. And there's people talking.

Speaker 1 It's like, you weren't there. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 Arnie, have we told you about Stonehenge?

Speaker 1 No, what's Stonehedge? We don't have time.

Speaker 1 His knife stopped dead. What's this? He said.

Speaker 1 Maybe. And maybe, yes, maybe.

Speaker 2 Caveats, yes, Eric, fine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Asterix. Asterix.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he starts to pull away the beef. He pulls away all the meat.
And as he pulls it away and rips it and ruins his steak that he hasn't even got to taste yet. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Right there,

Speaker 1 in the center of his steak, his knife had come to a dead stop by hitting

Speaker 1 a bone. Oh.

Speaker 1 Inside the steak?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Someone buried a body inside the steak.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you've heard this one.

Speaker 2 No, I was just guessing. Sorry, go ahead.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the guy's like, what the fuck? We think. Maybe he's not.
Maybe. Maybe.
Yeah, maybe. But probably.
And

Speaker 1 he puts up his hand, and nobody notices him, so

Speaker 1 he kind of starts to snap.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the waiter turns and sees him, but the waiter's like, I don't want... I can't with this guy.

Speaker 1 Can't deal with this guy. And so he keeps snapping.

Speaker 1 So wait, the waiter was there, so the waiter would be able to say definitively, well, I assume the waiter confirmed the snapping, but we don't know what he said before the snapping.

Speaker 1 So sorry, I should have said, by the end of the story, the waiter dies. Oh, shit.
So we don't don't really know. Okay.
So we don't really know. Alright.

Speaker 1 So the waiter's like, I can't with this guy today. And the guy's like, and then.
This is why all the characters talk sort of like you, right? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What do you mean? That was six different people talking about it. Okay.
So they just say the sort of things that you would say in that situation. Huh.
Maybe.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm just a universal soul. I'm sorry, I'm just really drawn into this story.

Speaker 1 I keep stopping it, but it's mostly because I'm invested. Yes, good, good.
Can I have five gold coin?

Speaker 1 What? Why do you want for real? You should.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Okay.
Arnie, you want to invest in this story?

Speaker 1 Yes, I do, actually. I'm going to invest.

Speaker 1 Here's what you do. Once this story's done, you go tell it to two friends, and you'll make ten gold coins.
So the guy's like snapping, and the waiter's like, I can't today.

Speaker 1 And then the guy's like, clearly he doesn't see me.

Speaker 1 So the guy starts going excuse me excuse me while snapping a deadly combination the waiter finally holds up his finger with the number one as in like give me one minute right and he starts to take the order

Speaker 1 of a young newlywed couple oh and they they were the witnesses

Speaker 1 if you'd let me finish

Speaker 1 you'd know they die at the end

Speaker 1 So the newlywed couple is like, we have a bad feeling about soup today. And the waiter goes, well then don't get the soup.
Some of these assumptions about what they're saying, I'm not sure I buy.

Speaker 1 So then finally the waiter comes over to the original steak bone guy and says, is there a problem? And the steak bone guy says, yeah, there's a problem.

Speaker 1 Someone buried a body in my steak.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 It's like a big boom boom boom.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 There's that sound? Huh? There's a ba-ba-boom? Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 ideally, at a moment like a...

Speaker 1 Yeah. Kind of a crumbling.

Speaker 2 A low-register, kind of like a bohrrhhh, kind of an upsetting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And the waiter goes, my goddesses,

Speaker 1 what have they done?

Speaker 1 And and because he, because the waiter sees the bone,

Speaker 1 waiter drops dead.

Speaker 1 Customer is like uh

Speaker 1 and is looking around frantically like i hope no one thinks i did this and just to cover his bases he's like surely i will be you know suspect number one right he takes his steak knife and stabs himself right in the organs and dies

Speaker 1 now the married couple Having been oblivious to all this going around them, starts to eat their mozzarella wands, which is what they ordered.

Speaker 1 And they go, wouldn't it be romantic to start it, we each start at one end of a mozzarella wand and then meet in the middle for like some big kiss?

Speaker 1 Well, they never got to that kiss

Speaker 1 because the mozzarella,

Speaker 1 they start chewing in each, like half of their, like a mozzarella wand, picture a mozzarella wand, and it got bit in two. And each of those halves went down their throats and they choked.
No!

Speaker 1 Oh no, I'm choking. They said, maybe.

Speaker 1 Oh no, I'm choking. It'd be hard to say that while you're choking.

Speaker 1 arnie please and they're like waiter please and what the waiter's dead and they're like is the waiter ignoring us like did we do something

Speaker 1 the waiter just dropped dead for no arnie the waiter's dead the waiter saw the bone did i not get to that part yeah i know the waiter saw the bone but then he just waiter dropped dead from steak bone i what are you you tell the story arnie he might have said he might have said oh my goddesses they've done it or something like that yeah yeah oh yeah maybe so then so the married

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Speaker 2 Chunt, before you finish, should we each take a turn at guessing what the moral of the story is?

Speaker 1 Oh, there has to be morals to security stories?

Speaker 2 Oh, I guess not.

Speaker 1 I thought it was going to be always a morning. There's more warnings.
I feel like there should be a warning.

Speaker 1 No, it is a warning.

Speaker 2 Always order the soup.

Speaker 1 Always.

Speaker 1 So you've heard it. Arnie.
Is that it? Did I get it? I did

Speaker 1 a chance to guess. So the married couple dies,

Speaker 1 and then a voice says, Always order the soup. We have to assume.

Speaker 2 Just a voice.

Speaker 1 Wait, we have to assume that there is a disembodied voice. Well, because everyone in the restaurant's dead.
Arnie. Right.

Speaker 1 Because the cook left early. Did I say that?

Speaker 2 It was implied.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Because the waiter had to keep going back and making it.
Did anyone ever later track down the cook to find out if he knew anything about the body and the steaks?

Speaker 1 Yes, they did. But the cook, unbeknownst to everyone, was trying to win back his kids because he had gotten a messy divorce.

Speaker 1 So nobody knew about this.

Speaker 1 Nobody knew that this was the case?

Speaker 1 I think this will actually be pretty interesting. The guy was dressing up as a horse.

Speaker 1 to be able to pick up his kids every day and play with them. And the ex-wife was like, I'll let my kids play with a horse because it's just a horse.
Sure.

Speaker 1 And he eventually won his kids back, got together with his wife, rekindled that romance, and then they died.

Speaker 1 Maybe. I don't.
I actually.

Speaker 1 I haven't heard any updates. So, wait, all the stuff with the chef is total speculation about maybe just guessing what probably happened to the horse.

Speaker 1 Well, some people say that it might be true, Arnie, so

Speaker 1 that's good enough for me.

Speaker 2 So, wherever you go, if you see a horse, know that it's trying to reconnect with its kids.

Speaker 1 It's just a man trying to win back his kids. All horses, Arnie? Every horse you've ever seen is just a man trying to win back his kids.
Grimhof? Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Chod?

Speaker 1 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 All the other horses of ours that are still around somewhere? Must be. Arnie, you ever notice how the word horse is almost exactly like the word house?

Speaker 1 And what is a house when a family's in it, but a home? Hmm. That explains why every time you would ride Chod, the horse would say, hello!

Speaker 1 Yes, I did teach him that. I thought it would just kind of be funny.
Yeah. You know, just kind of

Speaker 2 fun. Now, Arnie, Chunt and I both brought s'mores makings,

Speaker 2 so we can have all sorts of s'mores. There's plenty for everyone.
Would you like to tell a story while Chunt and I make some s'mores for us to eat?

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah. I'm going to think of finding

Speaker 1 good ghost stories.

Speaker 1 Okay, graham

Speaker 1 graham cracker.

Speaker 2 Piece of chocolate.

Speaker 1 Piece of chocolate. Sardines.
Sardines.

Speaker 2 Another graham cracker.

Speaker 1 Another graham cracker.

Speaker 2 Then toss it into the fire.

Speaker 1 Into the fire. Yeah.
I don't want to eat that shit.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It was a night. Much like tonight.

Speaker 1 Only it was in space.

Speaker 2 Sort of cold, but sort of brisk. You could still just sort of enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Everything was exactly like this, but it was in space.
Hey, wait, ho! Hey! Get out of here!

Speaker 1 Hey, get out of here! Get out of here!

Speaker 1 Get out of here!

Speaker 1 Sorry, that Timber Leech turned around, started heading back forth. It was a good six to eight minutes away from getting anywhere near us, but I just noticed it changed directions.
Thank you. Yeah, it

Speaker 2 maybe moved like 15 degrees or something.

Speaker 1 Scary. Sorry, Arnes.
Sorry, it was a night. It was a night.
night.

Speaker 1 Just like this.

Speaker 1 But on a space station

Speaker 1 that was out in space.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we got that. Looking for the event horizon.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm trying...

Speaker 1 It was a long time ago when I heard this ghost story.

Speaker 1 Arnie, forgive me. Pretty fuzzy on the details.
I remember it being pretty batshit crazy at the end, though. Arnie, forgive me, I'm just a simple shapeshifter.

Speaker 1 Does space have a horizon? Great question.

Speaker 1 It has an event horizon, which is if there's like an event, anything like an event happening, like it's the

Speaker 1 like that mitzvah? Yeah, like as far as you can see of that event. But here's the thing, if you go through the event horizon or near it, I think,

Speaker 1 it goes to hell. How do you go through...
Wait, I mean, I guess you can go through an event, but

Speaker 1 I guess I don't understand.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 sam neil so hmm

Speaker 2 sam stand sam run sam jump good sam

Speaker 1 sam neal turns into like a demon guy on a space station and now we're talking fuck i don't know when i started telling this story i was i

Speaker 1 i thought i

Speaker 1 there were any details that i remembered about event horizon uh new story new story new story okay new story this is

Speaker 2 ani this story sounds a lot like another story you've told us it sounds very ooh

Speaker 2 That was just for me.

Speaker 1 Arnie, new story. Give yourself a few deep breaths.
You sore and I are going to make some smears. Okay, make a smear.

Speaker 1 Graham cracker. Piece of chocolate.
Sardines. Sardines.
Another piece of chocolate. Okay.

Speaker 1 Graham cracker. It was a night.

Speaker 1 Throw it.

Speaker 1 And now put my hand in the fire. Take the melted components and smear it on my face.
Yummy. I guess I thought these were something we were gonna

Speaker 2 Why would you think that?

Speaker 1 Because all the ingredients are so yummy.

Speaker 1 Why would I put something on the end of a stick that I was going to eat? Oh, that's a good point. Sticks are in the dirt.

Speaker 1 They're gross.

Speaker 2 Chunt,

Speaker 2 you want to know a fascinating true fact?

Speaker 1 Yes, please.

Speaker 2 Sticks start in the air,

Speaker 2 and then they fall to the earth, and they're covered in dirt. They're originally attached to trees.

Speaker 1 Alright.

Speaker 2 It's just a fun fact that not a lot of people know.

Speaker 1 I have a fun fact. Did you know that logs are trees dicks? What? Next time you sit on a log,

Speaker 1 keep in mind, you're probably sitting on a tree dick. Oh.
Hmm. Yeah.
Okay. It was a night.
Okay. Much like tonight.

Speaker 2 Only was it. How was it not like tonight? Maybe it'd be easier to identify the parts that weren't exactly the same.

Speaker 1 If it was just much like tonight.

Speaker 1 Hello. Now keep in mind, I've never heard this whole story.
I've just heard the trailer for this story, so I won't have all the details.

Speaker 1 I think it was in sort of a foresty area. Maybe it was colder.
I think there was snow.

Speaker 1 Would it help if I went?

Speaker 1 It might help.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And

Speaker 1 Morgan Freeman was there, maybe Thomas Jane.

Speaker 1 And there were aliens.

Speaker 2 Was it Thomas or Jane?

Speaker 1 His name is Thomas Jane. First name, Thomas, last name Jane.
No, sorry, Arnie. Was it Thomas or Jane?

Speaker 1 It was.

Speaker 1 His name is Thomas Jane. Okay, obviously we're not going to win this with you.
Arnie, just at least tell me, was Thomas or Jane kneeling?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There was... It's called Dreamcatcher and aliens come out of people's butts.
Oh,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 It's supposed to be crazy, so.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Wow. I never realized how good a story can be when you just say some things that are supposed to happen.

Speaker 1 You just list some things, and then you go, it's supposed to be crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me try. I want to try this.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Poison, intrigue, two families. It's supposed to be crazy.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, now I want to watch that. No, I want to hear that full story.

Speaker 1 Let me try one. Okay.
In a world.

Speaker 1 Wait. Don't all stories take place in a world?

Speaker 1 That seems like you're zooming out too far.

Speaker 2 Well, the first one was in space.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 All right. Got you there.
How about this? How about this? In a town where everybody killed each other's face.

Speaker 1 I thought I had something there. Just move out, people, right? Just move.

Speaker 1 Am I crazy? Move.

Speaker 1 You sir, you got one?

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 Are you ready for the third installment in this hair-raising series?

Speaker 2 We're each more terrifying than the last. It's the final opportunity to see Thomas or Jane

Speaker 2 dancing one last time, covered in black goo.

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 1 black goo?

Speaker 1 Um, sorry, you sorry, is it crazy? Or is it supposed to be crazy?

Speaker 1 Hey, you survivor, sorry,

Speaker 1 is it supposed to be crazy?

Speaker 2 Um, it is supposed to be crazy.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 wait, I, you know what?

Speaker 2 It is Thomas. Thomas is in it, not Jane.

Speaker 2 I hardly understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I see. It was a night, much like tonight, only it took place in Halloween town.

Speaker 1 And Jack Skellington discovered Christening.

Speaker 1 What are you saying, Skellington? Jack Skellington. He's a skeleton guy.
He's the king of Halloween.

Speaker 1 Look, I don't know all the details. I've mostly experienced this story through a shirt at Hot Topic, but

Speaker 1 it seems cool and scary. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 1 I think we peaked. I think this sentence, I mostly experienced this story through a shirt and hot topic.
I think that's our apex.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Boys night, motherfucker. Boys night, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry, I said our apex. Sorry, Arnie, I think, based on what you've told us, I think that's our capex.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was a night, much like tonight, Only it happened at a mental health facility where a man thought he was an alien.

Speaker 1 And maybe he was, but I don't know. I mostly know it as a cultural reference.
Was he coming out of people's butts?

Speaker 1 Coming into people's butts. Yes.

Speaker 1 We got him to say it. We got him, you said Arn.

Speaker 1 We finally got Arnie to say

Speaker 1 this. We got another motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Another year starts, and it's going to be just like every other year. Arnie trap, motherfuckers!

Speaker 3 Ain't that a treat for the ears?

Speaker 3 Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafide. Usidor the Blue was played by Matt Young.
This episode was produced by Matt Young. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Speaker 3 Associate producer, Anna Hoverman. Special Assistants by Ryan D.
Georgi. This episode was edited by Anna Hoverman.

Speaker 2 Logo by Alard LeBon.

Speaker 1 Theme by Andy Poland.

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