Patreon Unlock: Shadow City: Season 3, Ep 1: Trouble in Tinseltown (w/ Anthony Burch)

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But in the meantime, enjoy your 4th of July and the first episode of season 3 of one of our fan favorite series, Shadow City.

Welcome back.

That's right.

It's more Shadow City.

You demanded it.

We like doing it.

The internet is on fire right now because this is coming out.

Beyonce's losing her mind.

Taylor Swift fully endorsed it.

I think Olivia Rodrigo did something, and also Chapel Rowan.

To be clear, Olivia Rodrigo did something unrelated.

Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

It's just good to keep abreast of her.

Right, right, right.

Oh, disgusting.

Oh, pervert.

She's like 22.

Disgusting.

My bad.

She's got to be like 30 by now, right?

Still.

No, I'm just saying there's like a whole new batch of like new music people.

And like Slop Horse.

I don't even know Slop Horse.

You don't know Slop Horse?

Matt, you don't know Slop Horse?

I don't.

I also don't know Slop Horse.

If we sang a Slop Horse song, you would recognize it.

Please do it right now.

Yeah.

So like drums, bass, drums, bass.

Put it straight in my eyes.

Put it straight in my eyes.

Yeah.

He's not doing it justice.

It's really good.

Yeah.

It's the new Target jingle.

Oh, Slop Horse.

Yeah, Slop Horse.

What a shame.

Then the.

And they inspired that Apple TV show, Slop Horses, Gary Youngman,

the rest.

Take my show, please.

Take my show, please.

Already, we're so on the rails, like to start.

We're really excited excited to have Anthony Birch back here, our wonderful game master

who's taking us through two seasons of Shadow City already.

And we're really excited about the third.

We always have fun.

Thank you for being here, Anthony.

Of course.

Thank you for having me.

It's fun to DM for y'all.

Well, it's fun to DM for two of you.

I'm not going to let you know who the one is.

It's me.

It's me.

It's fine.

I don't care.

Wait, which one?

Yes, this is the drama I want.

Ada, we'll fight about who it is later when we're in person.

Oh, no,

it is you.

I was singing Sluckers.

Oh, it's me.

It's me.

Graham, Crackers, ROMUST.

Is it all Target-related?

Yeah, they're Target.

Yeah, just stuffed by Target.

You know how Nut or Butter went crazy on Twitter and we all ate it up?

Target did a thing where they made a band.

Remember when Mr.

Peanut died?

That was crazy.

I sadly do.

Okay, I feel like I should start now.

I feel like we're getting control.

Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Okay.

So

when we last left you all, you had just gotten out of another weird scrape where you were framed for an assassination that you did not commit and hijinks ensued.

But this story is starting several years after that.

When we look at Shadow City, typically you see a bustling, if, crime-ridden metropolis.

Not that one.

And...

superheroes everywhere.

But now, if you were to come to Shadow City, you would see a dystopian police state where everyone keeps their head down, there are no superheroes visible anywhere, and dissent is immediately punished by mind control.

So the city is under the control of Smarty Pants, a super villain who managed to, after the chaos that you caused last time, take advantage of said chaos and take over Shadow City and turn it into his own dystopian hellhole.

He has managed to round you up as so many other reprobates have been rounded up, and you are working on a chain gang mining branium, a very rare, very temporally ambiguous substance that powers Smarty Pants' powers and keeps him inside the minds of everyone in Shadow City.

So why don't you remind us again as we look at this chain gang of three Shmo's chained together, who you are, what you look like, what you sound like.

Oh, well,

I'm, I'm, you know, Ma O'Brien, and I just take care of these two big lugs right here, because

somebody's got to take care of them, because they can't take care of themselves at all.

They're always getting in all kinds of scrapes and stuff, and all Zai wants to do is make a big score.

But now I'm stuck on this chinging, and I'm so mad at them.

Ma, how old would you say you are again?

Uh, you know, it varies.

You never asked a lady her age, rude,

but you might ask a ma her age, right?

I suppose you could, but uh, you know, it's possible that uh I,

you know, I'm let's say I'm 67.

Nice.

Almost nice.

Almost nice.

I'm two years away.

Speaking of almost nice, I am playing Tommy Punches Deplume, a barbarian type character.

He's six foot nine, 420 pounds, I believe.

And

I think he kind of worships at the altar of Brad Garrett.

I think he's somewhere in this register.

Hey, Ma, Punch is here reporting for Brain Gang.

So he loves pickleball.

He's just a bit of a goon, but also a sweetheart.

And he loves working

with his friends.

And I am Crusher, who is,

he sort of looks like the body of Jason Statham and the face of the hamburgler, I believe, was what we had said originally.

He's sort of, yeah, a little tough guy.

He's

pretty good at lying to people.

And he talks, and let's see here.

Let's play the game.

Is this the voice?

Hey, guys.

It's me, Crusher.

I think it's something like this.

Arnie, I know it's correct.

It's a little Jopeshi-ish.

I was going to say, I know it's correct because my first thought is, oh, sweet Arnie, that's Joe Peshy.

Also, is this the voice?

That show is just commercials, right?

So

you're like, are we, is this the voice?

Is this the voice?

Is this the voice?

We'll have to wait to see.

Mind the voice.

Okay, so

you are mining away at this brainium, sweat pouring down your brow, backs aching with every hurl of the pickaxe, when suddenly you see a blur in front of your eyes.

And the wind whips past you.

The prison guards, all of them, mind-controlled by smarty pants, raise their rifles and start scanning the horizon as

the blur continues to whip and whip and whip around you all.

And suddenly, before you can even do anything, you feel yourself get picked up as one group, all of you getting pulled along at the speed of sound, basically.

And by the time the wind is finished, would this kill us instantly?

Yeah, but not in this world.

But my hair!

Oh, my hair's ruined.

Oh, that's even worse.

Just kill us.

After your stomach returns to the bottom of your torso,

you find yourself in a basement with tin foil lining the walls.

And in front of you, heaving and

moaning, is a bleeding man with a gunshot wound in his chest, who you recognize as Comes Too Fast, who is the last living superhero in Shadow City.

There's been legends of him maybe still being around, and this is the first time anybody's seen him in a long time.

Oh my god, are you okay?

What happened to your chest?

Your chest looks awful.

I got shot while I was saving you, and I meant to save you,

but not get shot, and then I got shot, so that's not so good.

But you have to save us.

I can't do it.

You can, though.

We can't be responsible for having killed another superhero.

How many superheroes have we killed?

Oh, we weren't technically responsible.

Look,

I would like to.

I never realized how much moth sounds like a female Joe Pesci.

Yeah,

they're very similar.

It's all Joe Pesci's.

I would like to cast Cure Wounds.

Is that only in combat I can do that?

No, you can do that whenever you want.

I can do it whenever I want.

I'm doing it now.

All right.

So the bullet hole.

So in character, as a person with no real superpowers, how do you do this?

Gosh, I've just been on a changing.

In the past, you have your soup.

I've had soup on me, but I wouldn't have that, would I?

Hair,

why don't I look for something in the environment first

to help?

So is that medicine or perception?

Perception or investigation, whichever you like.

Let's do investigation.

That's an 18 plus 2 is 20.

Okay, so you easily managed to find an old

slightly rusted, very dusty first aid kit.

You can see that this actually used to be a movie theater, and we are in the room where they store all of the film reels.

And there was one first aid kit that was left down here, and you managed to get some gauze.

And Bandage Up comes too fast.

It goes, oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

I like not bleeding out.

But yeah, so you guys have killed superheroes, right?

You've killed so many superheroes.

And my thinking is if you can kill superheroes, maybe you can kill a super villain.

Is that a good idea?

Maybe you could do that?

Oh, oh, honey, we'd love to try.

Yeah.

Okay.

Everybody hates

smarty pants.

We should try to not kill super villains, and

that usually leads to us accidentally killing that person.

That's a good idea.

It comes too fast.

Do you know someone who we could try to get a legitimate job and then we'll probably end up killing someone?

Do you need a job?

Like a legitimate job?

Like a nine-to-five, not like this wear a funny costume and run around thing?

I mean, this is my job.

It's paid pretty well.

I get paid for a lot of endorsements and brand deals and stuff like that.

Like,

I make my own hours.

It's a grand economy.

What are you making a year?

What companies are you working with?

Yeah.

How do you get into that?

You gotta get some superpowers

to Instagram, and then everyone tells you how cool you are.

And then you get all the brand deals.

So, yeah, HellaFresh, Casper Mastris's,

all the big hitters.

Casper Mattress, the mattress that makes you come too fast.

Okay,

I understood all that, but someone's got to tell me later what Instagram is.

Oh, ma.

It's like Facebook, but but slightly younger.

Slightly.

Okay, I don't use that either.

So, comes too fast, goes to a chest, a little chest that he put in this room next to a big pile of empty film reels, and he opens it, and inside you see

handfuls of pure branium powder.

Oh.

It's glowing, it's green, and it's not entirely unlike kryptonite.

And he goes, you're going to have to use this.

I'm going to use this to send you back, and then you can kill Smarty Pants before he ever comes to power.

You can kill him when he's a kid.

I'm pretty sure how old he is, and that means that he's a kid around this time.

So you can just kill one kid.

It's not a big deal because he's super bones.

He's eventually going to kill evil.

Hold on, hold on, honey.

What are you talking about, honey?

Going back?

What do you mean when he's a kid?

He's a full-grown ass man.

Yes.

But I have this theory that if I use the brainium and I run really fast in the opposite direction, that everyone inside my sphere of influence will go back in time, but not me.

Okay,

well,

you know.

I don't know.

It sounds like that could work.

I'm okay roughing up a kid, but I don't know if I want to kill a kid.

Can we just, like, hello, maim him?

Sure.

I'd like to flip a coin

to do the flashback, flash forward thing.

Uh-huh.

Now, Arnie, we did this wrong last time.

Did we?

Part of the time.

And then part of the time we did it right.

Sounds like us.

We do it inconsistently, for sure.

So, I'm going to ask you to be the arbiter of

is tails like a

rewind and heads is a fast forward, or we just flip it to see if it happens at all.

So my thought is that you're hoping for a rewind.

If you land on heads, it's a good rewind that helps you.

If you land on tails, it is a bad flash forward that we eventually have to get through.

Yes.

Got it.

Okay, I'm in for that.

So that's what it is.

So at minute roughly 15, will we forget this next week or whenever the fuck?

That's the rule now.

Everyone deal with it.

I would like to flip a coin, please.

Anthony, how fun is it when we're constantly trying to solve the very premise that you're trying to set up?

Honestly,

this is not my first rodeo.

I know how people fuck with the system.

So

I like to think I'm ready for you.

I never am fully.

Heads.

Heads.

Okay, Okay, great.

So go ahead and narrate a flashback that is beneficial to you in some way.

And as long as it's not completely out of a bonker's shithouse, I will allow it.

Do we know roughly what current year it is in Shadow City?

Yes, it is 1959.

Where did I get this cell phone?

I would like to see if approximately 21 years ago, I apply to become a theoretical physicist at college

to see if I understand time travel.

Okay, why don't you give me a

history role or an arcana role?

Either history or arcana?

Do I have a two?

Those are both plus two.

Okay.

While you look up your dice, I just want to point out, I realize we have really

what a boon we've given ourselves.

Why do we ever roll dice when we can just

flip a coin and always get a 50% chance to be able to do anything?

Okay,

that was

four plus two is six.

Okay, so unfortunately, though you did apply to become a theoretical physicist, they kicked you out because you were a woman.

How dare you?

Don't you think I'm beautiful enough to become a theoretical physicist?

Hey, scram, lady.

The only kind of theoretical physicist you'd be is I would theoretically sleep with you if you were if you were blonde.

I don't like your hair color, it's Runette.

Yeah, i well i used to be blonde but i can't get into that now goodbye okay and we flash back to the present

can he flip his coin can he flip a coin to see if he did change his hair color

oh i definitely did that's not a difference

that's not a further

uh

uh i i applied to me

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Yeah, that's that's not okay.

He did uh

uh I applied to be a theoretical physicist one time, and I don't this doesn't sound right to me because I read that whole application.

Well, well, I mean, if you hadn't become a theoretical physicist, you know that I'm on the level and this makes perfect sense.

So it's either it's either that or we try to go kill him now.

But considering he's killed every single other superhero in Shadow City and gotten inside their minds and mind-controlled them, and this is the only room in Shadow City that I seem to have found that his mind control can't penetrate, I think this might be our best shot.

Okay, comes too fast.

Listen, I'm a little guys up.

What'd you call me?

Oh, no.

Comes too fast?

Is that what they call me?

We thought that was your superhero name.

What do you think your name is?

But now that I'm saying it, that's not a power.

I thought it was Fastball.

They call me Cums Too Fast.

Oh, no.

You gotta go back in time and stop them from calling me Cums Too Fast too while you're at it.

Oh, man.

Okay, let me go get a piece of paper.

Let me get a piece of paper.

Let me get a piece of paper.

Listen, I will say, uh, I'm a little worried that you're not who you say you are, and you're just sending us to the past to sort of close the door behind us and never allow us to get back to our time.

So, can you say or do something that only comes too fast?

That only Fastball could do or say?

Uh, yeah, well, I mean, I'm kind of the same age as Smarty Pants.

So, what you could do when you go into the past is you could find me, and then just manage to get your hands on some brainium, and then

he'll say the name of his imaginary friend which

is

ade

and when you uh meet him

hold on how do you spell that i have no idea the uh adele uh

sorry his friend is abdul my imaginary friend as a kid was the wickedly talented adele rafai and you will find me and tell me that you want to meet adele and i'll know that means that you're safe and if you can bring me some brainium when i'm a kid then i can do the opposite.

I can run the other direction really fast and bring you back to this time.

You've assuaged my fears by telling me to still go through time and learn about if you're telling the truth, then.

Nailed it.

Before we,

you know, you establish that we're in this theater space, and I, not to, like, go on too much of a detour, but I just want to look and see what movies are available here.

Like, what are some of the film reels?

So, I guess, would that just be like an investigation?

Yeah, or perception, either one.

All right, let's see here.

Good.

Perception is better for me.

Now, as we all know, last time we started a campaign, Artie was looking around the room and found some magazines, and that snowballed into a 25-minute adventure of him killing someone.

And I swear I'm not going to kill anybody.

Except for maybe a child later on.

Hey, if I hadn't rolled a four, I would be in college right now learning theoretical physics, and that would have been this whole episode.

I rolled a 19 plus two.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

So you find that most of these film reels are kind of dissolved.

So you find a film from 1937 called Saratoga starring Clark Gable and Gene Harlow.

You find an original copy of The Wizard of Oz.

You find Mr.

Smith Goes to Washington, Reefer Madness, Hing Kong, Gone with the Wind, and Robin Hood starring Errol Flynn.

Wow.

What would you like to to do with that information?

Is there any projection equipment around?

Like, could we try to watch some of this or just like I discovered this because I'm just looking at the.

Do I read this on the canister or do I see it?

They're marked with a little white tape on the canister, so you know what's what.

I see.

Hey, any of you guys want to watch a movie?

Oh.

Oh.

I.

I don't know if I can.

I would love to watch some of these.

I hear Saratoga is particularly good.

Ma, what is it?

You don't want to see other women succeed?

Yeah, let's say that.

Well, there's a lot of people who are going to be able to do that.

Crush it, honey.

Why do you want to watch a movie?

We're talking about going back in time.

I don't know.

It's just because it's...

Look, we've been in a chain gang for a long for I don't know exactly how long we haven't had a chance to watch anything and we're just in this movie house and there's a bunch of movies available so I just was curious I'm just sort of seeing if there's anything here I'm I'm willing to let it go but I don't know it's I'm just exploring the space yeah I mean you guys I guess you guys have time because you have all the time in the world because you're going back in time as long as uh and as he says that I hear knocking on the door and uh and it says open up come it's A voice says, open up.

And it comes too fast and says, oh,

I'll go get that.

I'll keep them there for as long as I can, but you guys figure out what to do.

And, you know, I guess if you want to watch a movie, you can.

But if that's Smarty Pants' Goons, you won't have much time to watch it beyond the previews.

Do you think you could delay them for about two and a half hours?

I'll give him my best.

And he goes up.

Now, Arnie.

And you hear him talking very fast.

Arnie, in your mind's eye, did you think we were going to start playing the movie and then through some sort of twist of fate or technology, we get sucked into the movie

where you could kill at will?

Instead of going through time, we end up doing the Wizard of the Last Action Hero.

I don't hate it.

I don't hate it.

No, I mean, truly, I mean, honestly, I was mostly just kind of like curious what Anthony would come up with.

And to

a little, like 5% of my brain was like, he established this location we're in.

Is there something

here

that we might be blowing past that could be important?

That also sounds like us, so very possible.

Hi, boys, we have to decide.

Are we going back in time and trying to get rid of this big stinker, Smarty Pants?

Do you want to join me or not?

Yeah, I'm in.

Look, I'm definitely want to try to make things better for ourselves and everybody in Shadow City.

And stopping Smarty Pants is a real dick.

I'm a little worried about killing a kid.

Yes, also, are we just setting things up for a bootstrap paradox where we cause the thing that we're trying to stop?

Let me just delete that from episode three.

Uh, well, uh, I don't.

Frankly, I don't care.

I'm coming down there whether you like it or not.

That's right, I bought a one-way ticket to Saratoga.

And the title hits the screen and spins into a newspaper.

I know we're in a hurry, but this looks really good.

You see Clark Gable come out with his big-ass ears and his wooden teeth.

And he goes, Hey, baby, why don't you come over here so we could get on a plane to Saratoga?

And you see Gene Harlow, a beautiful blonde bombshell in a long white dress.

You may not know it, but this is actually Gene Harlow's last known film before she died of kidney failure in real life.

So there's a sort of melancholy feeling to the movie that you don't even know why, but you just sort of feel it in your soul.

But it's a comedy and it's a good one.

It's a romantic comedy.

And you find yourselves sort of drawn inexorably to Miss Harlow's charms.

Wow, look at that blonde.

Theoretically, they do have more fun.

Oh, Ma, I'm so sorry.

Blonde, theoretical, that's all right.

Fun,

that's alright.

And Crusher, I think, is experiencing for the first time in his life.

I think Crusher is actually probably not a super sexual being, but for the first time in his life, like I wouldn't even say sexual, but he

feels a deep love for this woman that he's seeing on screen.

Like, it's like something he's never really experienced, even a little bit before.

He starts to cry, I think.

Oh, cool.

So, as you feel that,

the open trunk of Brainium begins to glow.

And your emotions of watching this film, the film itself, Gene Harlow, all of that begins to make the dust, the brainium dust, swirl into the air and swirl around you faster and faster in the way that Comes Too Fast Setti was going to do.

But since he's off screen right now, the Brainium is just going to do that magically on its own because it now works by intent.

So keep that in mind for the future.

The Brainium is reactive to human intent.

The Brainium surrounds you and everything goes blurry like

a blurry fade in Wizard of Oz, really one of those old movies where it's a doo-boo, doo-doo to port rainfall

and when everything comes back into focus for you

you find uh yourself in what looks to be a speakeasy uh there are uh

guys here with with big old shouldered suits and tall pants uh there are dames here with uh some of them looking a little dangerous and and foreboding some of them walking around with skimpy clothes with cigarettes uh in a box in front of them uh there's There's somebody singing at the stage.

And actually, why don't you roll perception or investigation?

I rolled an eight or a six plus two, an eight.

Interestingly, I'm bad at investigation, but I'm good at perception.

So I guess if I'm trying to find something, I'm bad at it, but I might just perceive something.

I got a 14 in perception.

Okay.

I'll say with a 14, you can tell that these men that you're seeing, a more more than average amount of them are in pinstriped suits.

Some of them are flipping half dollars in the air and cashing them.

Many of them have scars on their faces.

This seems to be a fairly rough and tumble kind of place.

And you hear a voice say, oh, who let you in with that getup?

And you turn and you see a tiny little man with a very big fedora who says, who let you?

Did gorilla let you in, the bouncer?

Or did you sneak?

What are you doing in here?

Yeah, Gorilla's an old friend of mine.

We used to

crack heads down at the

crackhead daughter.

Why don't you roll deception?

Ooh, that's a straight-up forward.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

I see what's going on.

You're the new guys, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You, uh

You want to see the bathtub?

Yeah, the bathtub.

All right, go ahead and follow me.

And he leads you

much like the the tracking shot and Goodfellows through the fucking kitchen and back of the bar and through a hallway and down into a room that has

several large suitcases.

And he opens them all and inside there are jugs of uh he pops up in the cork of the jug and you can smell even from there that is an extremely powerful moonshine of some sort or gin.

And he says, all right, you know the deal.

One face wants us to deliver this

to the guy at the place.

So if you do that, then maybe you'll get an audience with him.

You know, you, here's the thing.

One face is getting older and soon he's probably going to die and his little weird smart kid is probably going to take his place.

But until that time, it's to our benefit, and to my benefit, for us to make a good impression on One Face.

So, don't fuck this up.

Sorry, it's 1920s, nobody says fuck.

So, don't jazz this up, and I will look good in One Face's eyes as well.

Do we understand each other?

Yes, sir.

We understand it.

As soon as we're done, we're gonna 23 skiddoo.

Get inspiration for that, Matt.

Remember, you have inspiration.

Ooh.

One Face always means exactly what he says.

You know, he's always got that sort of pyramid-esque item that he tosses gently in the air and catches exactly at the base so it never turns over.

Yeah.

He's a stalwart, loyal, dependable kind of gangster.

And that's the kind of guy you want to look good in the eyes of.

Yeah.

Now, when you say we gotta take it to the guy and the place,

why was that?

Like, who's the guy?

What's the place?

Well, uh, you should

you should know that.

We just know that

we want to make sure that you are who you say you are.

Uh, roll deception again, please.

Okay, thankfully, my deception is one of my greatest strengths.

Hmm.

I have a plus five.

Oh,

but I rolled a one.

So I gotta say.

Oh,

I'm savoring the fact that you said, ooh, luckily, this is one of my greatest strengths.

So

he immediately pulls out his gap from his uh his his coat uh an old colt 1911 and he goes you know what maybe i was a little too quick to bring you boys back here now that i think about it those weird bits of clothing you got on they would make you stick out anywhere the boss would never send you to warner brothers like that you'd stand out even amongst all those costumed freaks can we tell you a secret

We're from the future.

Don't you know?

That's right.

The future.

I can tell you your future.

You're going to be six feet under.

Now, I don't want to kill you here because I would have to carry your body, so why don't you start moving and we'll go into the alley?

And he gestures back with his gun

for you to walk into the alley, which is in the...

There's a door leading to the alley in the hallway you just came through.

Now, before you kill us, can you just tell me what day it is?

It is a Friday.

Friday, about the date, the date roughly.

Uh, June 1937.

This whole coming from the future gag might work on another schmutz, but it's not gonna work on me.

I want you

to forget about killing us.

I want you to go directly to the film lot

and say this

word to the guard,

Schnetzel.

If you do that, you're gonna have the best night of your life.

Uh, Why don't you roll persuasion?

Because you're not lying, right?

No.

Yeah, so yeah, go ahead and roll persuasion.

That's

11.

How about no?

I've got you at the end of a gun.

I'm not going to go say a weird German word to some schmoe.

Okay.

Get into the alley.

How many different attempts to lie to you are you willing to accept before you start shooting?

No more.

I cut you off here.

Now it's time to go in the alley and get shot.

Can I just look around?

I do want to see if there's anything at hand.

I do want to see if there's anything at hand that can help us.

Okay.

So this is the seems to be the area where they keep all their contraband.

So you see

in

a gun rack where there's a lock on the gun rack, you see a bunch of Tommy guns.

You can see more bottles of gin on the walls.

You can see some bags of white powder.

What else?

I'm going to grab the white powder.

Okay.

Rip it open and dump it and throw it in his face.

Okay.

Why don't you roll dexterity to see if you can do that before he shoots me?

He's going to see you making a sudden movement.

He's going to want to shoot you.

Yes.

Okay.

Luckily, my dexterity.

Fastest bag ripper in the West.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sounded really good until I thought about doing that in front of a person holding a gun who's looking right at me.

Who's hell-bent on shooting you?

Okay,

so I have plus three dexterity, and luckily I rolled a one.

God damn it!

Okay, so he just shoots you square in the chest as you put this bag of white.

No crusher.

Oh, I wish we'd gone into the Wizard of Oz instead.

Why don't you take it...

How much HP do you have right now?

My max is 32.

It says I currently have 17.

Okay.

Well, let's say that in the intervening years since we last saw you, you got your health back up to 32, but this gunshot takes it right back down to 17.

So you don't need to do anything.

Okay.

It wipes out half of your health in one day.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

So you hit the ground, blood's pouring out of your chest, but

this little guy is a little bit distracted.

So if you want to, actually, why don't we roll a quick initiative?

Tommy got an 18.

Okay, Tommy, 18.

I got in 21.

Now you roll well.

I know.

Uh, five.

Okay.

So, um, pressure,

weirdly, as you hit the ground, you are the first person to react.

The adrenaline surges through your veins, and you get to act first as this combat begins.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to say

I'm going to say, uh,

don't kill me, dad.

Okay, are you trying to deceive, intimidate, or persuade him, would you say?

Appeal to his paternal instinct?

I guess I'm trying to deceive him.

Okay, go ahead and roll the deception.

Okay.

I rolled a 12 plus 5.

I got a 17.

Okay.

So for a second,

the gun wavers, and you see his pupils dilate.

And if we were to go into his mind, like when the food critic eats the ratatouille, you would see a memory of him saying the exact same thing to his dad.

Oh, no.

He kicks this kid who's even tinier as a kid.

He goes, you little runt, you're never going to grow up to be an all-starved quarterback.

You disgust me.

I ought to throw you into the river in a bag like I did those cats.

And he goes, Dana, I didn't know that's what you do to the kids.

He said they went to a farm.

He goes, yeah, a farm upstate.

Oh, heaven.

And it flashes back to the present and a tear begins to roll down his cheek.

And so if he tries to attack again during initiative, he will have a disadvantage.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry to try to trick you to make you think that we worked here.

But

I just wanted to finally see my dad.

You know, I came back in time to get to meet you.

And

I just love your dad.

I want to be close to you.

And I'm sorry.

I didn't know how to...

I didn't think you would believe the truth.

So...

He looks at you and he goes, I don't believe you're my dad.

You just reminded me of him.

My dad's dead.

I know know that for sure.

Oh, wait, I'm your dad.

I never had sex.

I am from the future.

It's not complicated at all.

You're not from the future.

I don't buy that.

I didn't believe you when you rolled to lie for that.

Yeah, that's fair.

All right.

Now it is Tommy's turn.

Did Crusher manage to break open the bag of cocaine at all?

No, he got shot before his hands even touched the bag.

Did a bullet pierce the bag by any chance?

No, he didn't even get to touch it.

Okay.

Tommy, how close would Tommy punches be to this gentleman?

The room is not terribly huge, so within a single move, you could move to him, you could move to the Coke, you could move to the guns, or with a sprint, you could move outside into the hallway.

Picking up a gun, I think, is fine, but I want to stop him from shooting any veils.

So I'm going to try and lunge towards him, specifically using my gritty-sized hand to

grab the wrist or the the hand with the gun in it.

Okay, why don't you give me a dexterity check?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

That is a...

Whoa!

Is that a natural?

That is a natural 20.

Oh shit.

Okay, so you get to describe what happens as you go for this Coke.

Or as you go for his wrist, rather.

So Tommy is able to grab with one hand this gentleman's, his hand holding the gun and just squeezes it as tight as he can, breaking the barrel of the gun and also crushing this man's wrist, almost fusing metal and skin and bone all together to where this man can never separate or forget that he once held this gun and shot Crusher.

He then sort of lifts him up by that crushed hand and dangles him

in front of punches.

You shall my friend.

Ow?

Yeah, I don't like when my friends are shot, especially in the chest.

And then he grabs, Tommy grabs that sack of cocaine and rips it open, still while holding this guy, and says, do it.

Do it all.

I can't do that stuff.

I'm so small.

It'll keep me wired for weeks.

My arm hurts so bad.

Okay, fine.

Okay.

And he gingerly, with his remaining arm, puts the bag to his nose and just sort of takes a big, deep inhale.

And he goes, okay.

I'm high now.

What do you want?

Oh, God.

I should buy a boat.

What do I?

I got some good ideas.

I got good business ideas.

I think I could make this place even more successful than it was.

I think, oh, you guys could be on the ground floor.

The ground floor.

Hey, do you have any more of that?

I have more of that.

I have more of that.

And he begins to start reaching like a child for candy at another bag of cocaine on the shelf.

No, no, don't buy a boat.

Take all your money, every cent, every penny you earn for the next 21 years.

And I want you to invest it entirely in one thing.

Sega Dreamcast.

And

Punches slowly puts this man down,

knowing that he's ruined him financially and hopefully physically as well.

Right.

He'll be ruined in half a century.

Hey, if 1959 had Instagram, who knows when the Dreamcast comes out?

Yeah, that's true.

Superheroes made us move forward in technology a lot quicker.

Ah, yes.

Okay, so I'd say you were safely out of combat.

And he goes, oh, I got to call my broker.

And he runs out, leaving a trail of cocaine behind him, like when Pigpen from Peanuts walks anywhere.

And you can't.

Man, Pigpen would be so much more interesting if he's just in a cloud.

What's going on, Charlie?

So you are now alone in the room with the guns and the gin and the cocaine.

Now I'm just picturing Pigpen dancing to the peanuts theme.

Like an asshole.

But like way too fast.

Just zooted out of his mind.

He manages to kick the ball because he's running so fucking fast we shouldn't really see him.

Ma, Ma.

Yeah.

Do you have any, uh, do you have any sort of medicine of uh first aid kit or anything we gotta staunch this bleeding?

Oh.

Just so good to be back.

Oh, yeah, but he's bleeding bleeding out.

I gotta.

There's only this cocaine here.

Put some gin on the wound.

That'll at least sterilize it.

Okay, okay.

I mean, the cocaine couldn't hurt.

Yeah, give him some cocaine.

Here you go.

Here you go, buddy.

Okay, roll constitution crusher.

Okay.

A seven plus one.

Okay, so you don't roll so well, so you have to essentially role play a coked-out crusher for the rest of this episode.

Oh, great.

This rules.

I don't know.

I'm going to be more Jopash-y.

I'm going to roll Perception to see if there's anything in the room I can actually heal him with, but I think we kind of know what's there already.

Yeah, there's you basically see everything there's to see in this room.

I'd like to roll perception to see if I can know if

Crusher ever gets a blowjob in a car while talking about veal

a la casino

Natural 20.

Yes.

Is he bleeding very badly?

Do we need to get him to a hospital or something?

No, I think you managed to, with a combination of the Coke and maybe pouring some gin on the wounded disinfected, I think you managed to essentially stabilize him.

He's a miracle cure.

Yeah.

He's going to, you know, feel it.

Well, actually, he's not going to feel it because he's fucking zooted right now.

But

he is not doing great.

You want to eventually get him to a hospital, but for now, he's fine.

Okay, stabilized.

Great.

Um,

boys, we got we gotta go, we gotta go find one face, and we gotta gotta get.

I think that kid of his, I think that's Smarty Pants.

Yeah, let's do it, let's go.

Uh, Crosia, do you feel up to it?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, it's not a competition, okay, okay, okay, yeah, you win, okay, you win, okay,

okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, all right

Now, now, I'm sorry.

Okay, okay.

Alright.

Now, now, I'm sorry.

I'm a little flustered.

I'm a little confused.

How do we...

How do we find one face?

We gotta...

Huh.

I need you, punches.

I need you to tell me what we're gonna do next.

I know I usually come up with the plans, but I'm just confused.

Yeah, what's this tiny book in your hand?

The complete works of Lev Landau, the world's top theoretical physician?

Oh, yeah, I just uh

he's a he's a theoretical physician.

Um is that like

theoretically I could fix you?

Yeah, it's like if the crazy theories about medicine that are all they're just like they're sort of like if you mixed uh you know theoretical physics with uh medicine

and mathematics, uh, he's great.

Wow, you just invented uh chiropractic

Guys, we keep making things worse in this world.

All right, let's do this.

Let's still go meet the contact that we were supposed to meet, because that is our inroad to meeting up with One Face.

So now to be clear, we know that we were supposed to take this gin

to a guy in a place, but we never found out who the guy was and what the place was.

He told you what the place was.

He did not tell you who the guy was.

Was it Warner Brothers?

It was Warner Brothers Studio.

It was Warner Brothers Studio.

Okay,

well, then let's go to Warner Brothers Studio.

Okay,

uh, you get outside into the bustling shadow city, uh, daylight.

You see folks going about their daily business, fedors, trench coats, uh, uh, hair done up.

Uh, a lot of white people, unfortunately, just white people, as far as the eyes, only white.

Speaking of everyone looking the same,

uh, should we, before we go where we're trying to go, one of us should shave our uh beard to record this podcast.

Yes, just moving forward.

Should we try to get some clothes that look like this time period?

We're just in a chain gang in the future.

Also, I've been shot in the chest.

Like, should we try to get some spiffy duds?

What I'm saying is, should there be a shopping montage?

For sure, but also at Warner Brothers Studio, there will be an embarrassment of riches in terms of garb and clothing.

Assuming we can get in.

Assuming we can get in.

That's fair.

That's fair.

Yeah, I'm up for either robbing a clothing store or two or going straight to

the studio.

Can I say, it seems like we've already left this last location, but is it fair to say we would have brought like a couple bags of cocaine or something with us?

I'd say you were allowed to bring some bags of cocaine.

Are you going to take the gin with you?

Because it seems like that was the job was to deliver the gas.

And it was in

the case, right?

It was in several big cases.

So basically, if each of you carried two cases, that would basically mean that

your hands are full and you can't do much of anything without putting the cases down.

So there's four cases altogether.

To be fair, though, Tommy could probably carry

more.

Okay, why don't you give me a strength check, Tommy?

Absolutely.

6, 9, 4, 20, not for nothing.

That is a

14.

Okay.

With a 14, we'll say that, yeah, you can hold two suitcases in each hand.

It's going to still prevent you from doing anything, but for you're going gonna have to take some time.

You're gonna have to take an action to put them down safely, or for no action at all, you can just drop them and let the glass break inside.

Is there still someone at the at like the front entrance as we're kind of carrying this stuff out?

Yeah, you see a big guy

who's so hairy and he's hunched over, and he's got a big old jaw, and his knuckles are almost on the floor.

And he looks confused.

He goes, I didn't see you coming here.

Oh, you're a gorilla, right?

Yeah, it's me.

Uh, yeah, the boss told us we're supposed to deliver this gin.

He said we should use the car.

Can you pull the car around?

Oh, uh,

well, I guess you wouldn't have that gin if you didn't work for the boss.

Exactly.

The boss also said you deserve a raise.

Does that make sense?

Oh, heck yeah.

23.

Skidoo.

He also said he's my dad.

What?

I thought he was a poison.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

He gets the tiny guy whose name you never found out, his car, the boss's car, which is an old Fort Edgeworth, and he ushers you inside.

He goes, where to, guys?

What?

Warner brothers.

Oh, go ahead, Ma.

No, you go ahead.

You say it.

Say it triumphantly.

We're going to Warner Brothers.

Okay.

We then find you...

pulling up to the security gate at Warner Brothers where a rotund Irish security guard stands there and waves the car to a stop.

And he goes,

can I see your identification, please?

Oh, Mickey, you don't need to see our identification.

Look, we've got these costumes on and we're delivering this gin.

We've got to get back to the set immediately.

I know that

Mr.

Johansson is dying to see us.

Mr.

Johansson is dying to see you.

Who exactly are you?

Also, my accent is terrible and I apologize.

That's okay.

There's a a lot of that going around.

I don't want to brag, but

I'm Gene Harlow's mom.

She's having me help out a little bit.

Don't you see the resemblance?

So go ahead and roll deception with advantage.

Plus three.

That's a

nine, which is twelve.

And a four, which is seven.

He goes, oh, I'm afraid not.

Even if you were Miss Harlow's mother, which I'm not sure you are,

there's nobody on set without the express permission of a director or the studio owner.

You would have a pass, were you to.

I mean, we get people trying to sneak on the lot all the time to see the stars.

You know, we say out here the sky is dark because all the stars are out tonight.

But uh, yeah, uh, off with you then, I'm so sorry.

Uh, can you get Mr.

Jack Conway on the phone?

I believe he's um actually, uh, why did you roll persuasion to see if you can persuade him to do this?

19.

Wow.

Oh, Arnie, I just wanted to

say something to you.

Don't think that I didn't recognize that your little ake, ake, ake, akei is actually Joe Pesci from Lethal Weapon 3 and not Goodfellows or Casito Joe Pesci.

Yeah, so

he seems his most coked out in that movie, right?

Okay, you're right.

Yes, you're right.

In dress.

Whatever you want, Leo gets.

I guess you need to watch Gone Fishing.

Gone Fishing is good.

No, it's not, but it's good.

Not enough cocaine in the world for me to watch that movie.

Okay, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, please, please, please, please.

And I kind of like stroke a finger across his beard.

Oh, well,

I've never been one to disappoint a lady.

So he picks up a walkie-talkie.

He goes,

This is O'Brien looking for Jack Conway.

Is Mr.

Conway available?

And you hear a voice on the other end saying, Stop doing that action.

And he goes, Okay.

And the voice on the other end says, Oh, yeah,

they just took fine.

Let me go get him.

Miss Conway.

Uh,

tell him

schnitzel.

Uh,

schnitzel?

There is a silence on the other end, and he says, Wait a minute.

And O'Brien says, okay, I guess you're free to go in.

And he raises the

barricade and drive onto the Warner Brothers loft.

I don't want to.

I just want to make sure I'm not missing something.

Is this is this a thing?

Is schnitzel a secret thing?

I don't know.

I'm just going with Matt.

Okay.

Okay, so yes.

So you can actually see as you're driving through the lot, you see

basically, you know, hangers, sets, and they each have what's being filmed on them, filmed in them on a little placard outside.

So you drive past the exact same film reels you saw in that basement.

You drive past Wizard of Oz, Mr.

Smith goes to Washington, Reefer Matthews, King Kong Gone with the Wind, Robin Hood.

And then you drive up to Saratoga, directed by Jack Connor.

And Tommy has his own face.

Punches has his own face pressed up against the window and also is holding up Crusher's face and pressing it up against the window for him.

Oh, I don't know.

The movie's done filming, but maybe she came back.

Oh, she's definitely in there.

Don't worry about it.

Does she live in the studios on the set?

You think she ever kissed Michigan J Frog?

I'm serious.

It was one night.

I'm serious.

What the fuck?

Finally, the central mystery of season three.

Who kissed Michigan J Frog?

Who didn't?

Look, boys,

we're gonna have to go talk to somebody that I used to know a long time ago, but he's not gonna recognize me.

And that's gonna break my heart.

But you're just gonna have to follow along with me, okay?

Ma, I feel like you're the stuff you're not telling us.

Stuff I...

There's a lot of stuff I've never told you, boys.

I.

And I'm.

This is very hard for me.

And I don't really want to be here.

Holding an old photo?

What's that?

Oh, I just exclaimed, holding an old photo?

Am I?

I think so.

Maybe it's.

Oh, nope.

It was just a piece of litter in the wind.

Oh, no.

Here's the old photo.

I happen to have it at the prison with me.

You see this beautiful young blonde woman?

Yeah.

That's me.

Machi Machi.

That's me.

Hey, that's me a long time ago.

Look at them.

Getaway sticks.

You're looking at a picture of Gene Harlow, the woman you saw in Saratoga.

Boys,

I faked my own death

in 1937.

I was Gene Harlow this whole time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ma, Ma, Ma, whoa.

You're Gene Harlow?

I'm in love with Ma.

Sure are.

Yeah, and Ma, do you have a different name just so there's no sort of edible confusion?

Yeah, my name's Matilda.

I've taken the name Matilda O'Brien for many, many years.

Wow, you never told us.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely have.

It's okay, baby.

You don't know nothing.

Look, I'm in that studio right now with the director of Saratoga, Jack Conway.

And we are having an illicit affair.

I'm married right now.

I had to fake my own death.

Oh, God.

Okay.

I can't.

I'm not saying it.

We've come back in time.

We have to save your life.

Yes.

Of course.

So you don't die.

I don't die because I faked my death.

But we could change my life.

We could unfake my death.

Maybe it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I ended up on a chain gang with two idiots.

What am I doing with my life?

Ma, can I ask you, knowing now what you know about yourself when you're at this age, what was going on in your life,

would you say, do I got a chance?

Oh my.

Oh my god.

I'm

gonna hit you so hard.

Let me pull up my MTB.

So hard.

What?

Sorry, I said, let me pull up by MTB.

One second.

One second.

One second.

Okay,

just give him a second.

Just give him a second, Crush, before I hit you.

once one second one gene it's not gone okay okay okay

with a j

yeah with a j

j e oh sorry uh sorry it's taking a second it's like crossing the china seas

susie i guess i'm as dumb as the girl from missouri you libeled lady This is my own personal property, you riff-raff, reckless Hollywood on parade.

All those 90-year-olds who are on the Hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon, we just want to say this episode is just for you.

Yes.

That's a natural 20 of an actual play bonus episode, if I've ever heard one.

Crush.

Crusher was played by Arnie Niekamp.

Matilda Ma O'Brien, aka Gene Harlow, was played by Matt Young.

Tommy Punches De Plume was played by Adel Rafai.

This episode was produced by Matt Young.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman.

Special Assistants by Ryan D.

Georgi.

This episode was edited by Sage GC.

Logo by Alard LeBon.

Theme by Sage GC.

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Until next time, babes and babies.