Season 5, Ep 61 - Mailmanmen (w/ John Hartman)

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the magical land of foon and we've been traveling i don't really know where we're going honestly look listener i hate to admit this we have no direction we currently have no direction so we decide when we have no direction we stop in the closest tavern and i love to check in with my co-host my cousin my good bud chuck the talking badger oh yeah baby how you doing bud uh doing pretty good this is a weird tavern it's a weird pub it is weird even for magical uh world standards yeah it's the dumb pig i mean i guess we should have known from the sign but everyone here is just staring at a slack jod yeah

but

i just there seems something so charming and ironic about the name the dumb pig yeah and the drinks are served in troughs so that's that's kind of novel yeah love that in fact i'm gonna the only thing is i have to move my head away from the mic to take a drink, like it's more of an active choice.

So, I'm gonna take a quick drink.

Delicious.

Oh, yeah.

Let me get in there.

Oh, kind of refreshing.

Yeah.

Got a little bit of your backwash, but that's fine to be.

Yeah, that's true.

We're sharing a trough.

And there's also a couple apples bobbing in our drink.

This one's called the Trough Titty.

Hmm.

Any follow-up information about that?

Not for me.

I gave the title.

Okay, fair enough.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakis, the Elves know me as Fearing Ark, the Dwarves know me as Zonin and Hook Stanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar and Arnold.

Know this.

When you have lost your direction, all you needs do is turn to your true north, Usador, and I shall put you back upon the path that shall set you straight.

I

have found our next purpose.

Oh, really?

Well, that's very exciting because it's been, you know, ever since we escaped the topless tower and we dealt with the animal war, it feels like there's problems, but we're not...

We're kind of directionless.

Well, I would disagree because I think we we have one direction.

That's the story of my life.

And I'm going to tell you this.

Well, it's like a...

I'm working on it.

I don't know exactly where we're going yet, but I'm.

I've got this.

I cast a compass spell.

Literally to give us a direction.

And that compass is going to point us towards not the direction of North, but our true North.

Whatever we need next.

A powerful weapon to help us defeat all the wizards.

Usidor, did you get some of this trough drink?

Oh, I got my own.

I got a troughy wife.

Ooh, any follow-up to that?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I said.

That's just the vibe of the dumb peg, you know?

There's just no follow-ups.

Ooh, Arnie, Usidor and I have been working on something.

You know how I lost my shapeshifting abilities?

Yeah, I do.

I'm so sorry.

Are you doing that, bud?

I think so.

I feel like that was somewhat recently, right?

In the last two years at least.

Usidor and I have been working on something that's just as good.

We call it Quick Change.

Okay, so Usidor is going to put this sheet in front of me.

Okay.

Okay.

And gives it a little bit of a wiggle, and then he drops the sheet.

And...

Oh, Usidor, can you zip me up in the back?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just.

There you go.

And look, Arnie, I'm a pig.

Winkle ink.

Wow.

So you went behind the sheet and you put on a pig costume.

Well, I first suggested a series of hats.

But maybe he just swaps hats a lot.

And they're sort of of like different, they sort of inspire different characters or something.

But he didn't go for that, he wanted the full like animal, you know, uh, change in ability.

Uh, but I think, I think Chunt the pig looks great, don't you, Ani?

Well, I will say this: Chunt has been through a lot,

so I fully support you, and I think this is great.

But I will say, because I have space to do this, you, Sidori, your part of the trick was fucking terrible.

What

just

terrible, you're a wizard, you have magic.

What do you want me to do?

Just use magic all the time?

You also, you didn't get the zipper up very good.

You had so much zipper problems.

Yeah, you kind of had a lot of skin in it.

I didn't want to say.

Oof.

I am sorry, but I can't use magic to fix everything.

What if Mr.

Taint needs a new ad campaign?

Am I just supposed to use magic?

You Sador, you're hundreds of years older than me, so I have no idea what you're talking about.

Did you say Mr.

Taint?

Never mind, leave me alone.

Speaking of which, China, you have the zipper problem.

How is Mr.

Taint doing?

You mean my Mr.

Taint?

Yeah, just with the zipper.

I just didn't know.

Doing pretty good?

Sorry, I guess.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Just like to check out.

Just want to check in.

Don't want to be rude.

How's your Mr.

Taint?

It's awesome.

Dr.

Taint, as you sometimes say.

Dr.

Taint.

Yes.

Not good.

Not good.

Now we're talking about...

Oh.

Any follow-up?

No, no follow-up.

No.

No follow-up.

See?

You know, maybe we should just have a guest.

Like, I don't.

I couldn't.

This is how direction we have.

I didn't even get us a guest this week.

I could ask one of these pigs.

Mail call.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, hello, gentlemen.

Oh,

Badger.

Hello,

come join us.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Let me put down my drink here.

I got another trough drink.

I got the Atrophidity of War.

Oh,

any follow-up on that?

I probably better not.

Just seems like you're a serious drinker.

It's one of the more expensive items on the menu.

Sure.

But it goes down easy.

So you're making Buku Bucks as a mail delivery person.

Well, I gotta be honest with you.

I haven't been exactly.

I'd say I kind of fallen down on the job.

And I'm trying to.

You know, I have no magical abilities, and I'm competing with many that do.

And not to mention, if I can be so forward with you that I've just met.

Sure, please.

I was born with an ability or curse where I fall asleep for years at a time.

And I wake up and I haven't aged at all, but I have a lot of undelivered mail as a result.

The not aging part is nice, though, don't you think?

It's a blessing and a curse.

There's a lot of ageism in this community, if you believe it.

If you don't look very old, they don't think you know anything.

Oh, sure.

And you feel really old and you don't use magic all the time, then perhaps someone thinks you're not capable of doing magic anymore and they just think you can't even zip up a little pig costume.

That seems like a personal anecdote I missed.

At the risk of being ageist, and I know that's not a great way to start a comment, if you have lived a long time, but you've been asleep for most of that time,

you haven't really accumulated the wisdom of your age.

Is that fair to say?

More than fair.

In fact, I'm not all that bright.

Oh, I appreciate that.

By the way, my name is Arnie Niekamp.

I'm from another world.

These are my co-hosts.

I am Usidor the Blue.

And I'm Chant.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh, pleasure to meet you.

I'm Sendor Mailmanman.

Okay.

Sendor Mailmanman.

Sendor Mailmanman.

And we come from a long line of, as you would have guessed, ice creammen.

And

it's been in the family for years.

And I changed all that as I took a different profession.

And also, I'm the one at the courier shop where the mail comes to and fro.

If you have, let's say, delivered a piece of mail and the address was wrong on it, it comes to me.

You return it to Sendor.

Hmm.

Ah, that makes sense.

Yes, that makes sense.

Your name,

Arnie, doesn't it remind you of some of our friends from Strong Guy Island?

Yeah, Arnie, a lot of people with characteristics and then it ends in man or men.

Oh, yeah, like strong man and weak man.

Weak guy.

Weak guy, yeah.

I remember so much about this world.

Oh, what else do you remember?

Well, uh, yeah, there was a well, that's right, Sendor, hold on a second, we have to ask Arnie some questions.

Fair enough.

Uh, they're dragons and magic, and I love you.

I love you both.

You're my best buds.

That's what I remember about this world.

Love you, buddy.

I know this was a private conversation with you, but if you don't mind, aw.

Oh, come on in here, Sendor.

Yeah, let's do a group hug, including everybody.

Oh, yes.

Sorry, I didn't mean to exclude you there.

Oh, there we go.

Can we get in there?

Ooh.

Ooh.

And a few pigs

found their way into the hug.

Ooh, they are really frisky.

Yeah.

So, Sendor, it sounds like your entire family, the mailman-men, the mailmen men's?

Mailmen-men.

Yes.

Yes, we are Jewish.

Oh, good.

Was that your next question?

Uh,

no, but

it could be perceived to be offensive if you didn't ask or if you did.

Yeah, from my perspective.

Did you.

So your family was all ice cream men?

That's right.

And you decided, no, I want to be a men.

I rebelled against it, as the son of many ice cream men do.

That's a very classic tale.

And I found my way into a profession which I felt I had a certain calling for.

Oh.

where does your passion for mail come from?

Well, when I was very young, I often would receive mail.

And I thought,

this is really resonating with me.

And I tried to find out if others, there were others like me out there, but we lived on a very long street with one house on it.

So I had no way of verifying this information.

And so, as far as I knew for a very long time, I was one of the only ones receiving mail.

Sure.

Wow.

I got into the business and obviously found out that because it is such a profitable business, there were going to be other people that were receiving mail.

And I was happy to be the one to deliver it to them.

In fact, if I have my sack here,

I have mail for all of you.

I love getting mail.

I'm a little bit of a mail simp.

Really?

Did I say that right?

Mail simp.

Well,

I hope there's a community for you all.

Thank you.

Now, again, mind you, I've been, I have slept through some of the past many years, so a lot of these will be old mail for you.

Sure.

Okay.

So that's all right.

Apologies in advance about that.

Arnie, I have some mail for you here.

Oh, you've received many, many periodicals over the years with many, many pictures in them.

Oh, God.

Of various girls.

Okay.

Women.

I hope.

And I would say, I'm just leafing through here.

Their behavior is on the wild side.

Okay.

Do you usually, like, look through it, the mail, as you're handing it over?

If it's not sealed, technically legally, I'm allowed to.

And if it is sealed,

there's more or less an understanding that I can.

Yes.

Speaking of legal, already look at this periodical.

Barely 45.

Well, to be clear, I did subscribe to that when I was barely 45 a few years ago.

Oh, barely 45 magazines.

Pretty hot.

You have a lot of them here.

And again, they're all addressed to you, so you can't claim otherwise.

Sure, yeah.

I suppose it's possible that one of your friends played a joke on you, right, and subscribed you to these magazines, Arnold?

Let's go through some of these other ones.

Concerned women sitting down.

What else here?

Just one drink before bed, women.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, there are girls going wild.

I would say on this one.

Yeah, those are the wenches gone drenched.

Arnie, drenched wenches?

Oh, there's actually some pretty good center folds in here.

Okay, anybody else see any magazines or just me?

Anybody else?

Nope.

Well, you have them

so close to you.

Trying to look.

I'm not.

Oh, guys, guys, guys.

Ooh, oh, boy.

Don't say hog them.

All the pigs just

stink away from that.

Okay.

Don't say stink either.

Did you say stinks die?

No, no, no, of course not.

No one else.

Okay, okay, okay.

So, Sendor, was there any mail for Chun and Usidor?

Well, let me see here.

Oh, yes.

It seems to be.

Oh.

Now it seems, Usidor, you were eligible here.

Oh, to be on a jury of your peers.

Oh, how exciting.

This is from 12 years ago.

Oh.

Oh, I probably should have responded 12 years ago.

Now,

I fear I may be a scofflaw.

Now that I have turned my back on my very duty, what can I do to right the wrongs that I didn't right when I was wrong not to go and help right this case?

I don't know, except to go down to the courthouse and explain your case, and maybe you'll be on trial yourself for what you've done.

What?

No, I will explain that I had a work-related reason to not be there.

I'm, you know, know, I'm defending Foon from all forces of evil.

Oh, yes, that's one of the reasons listed here that you can get out of this service.

Oh, okay, good.

That's that's lucky.

Uh, yes, you know, when the goddesses demanded that a champion appear, and the bird and the rain, and the wind and the fire came together and said there must be a hero.

And then I was born into the world, so, you know,

I can't really do joy duty.

I understand.

Uh, no, Chunt, I see you here.

Oh, you know, you have an aunt.

Oh, yes, I do.

She died 17 years ago.

Oh, no.

And I'm sorry, the funeral was 17 years ago.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Damn it.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

I deliver, I mean, I am a bearer of every kind of news, so some of it will be bad in all fairness.

Sendor, can I ask?

You Sidor's sort of jury summons was 12 years ago.

My aunt died 17 years ago.

It seemed like maybe you had my aunt's death notice for five years before you fell asleep.

Is that fair to say?

It's unfair to say,

in so much as I'd fallen asleep multiple times.

So it wasn't just the one incident.

I see, I see.

My apologies for assuming.

That's okay.

You may have been on the way, been like, oh, I've got to get this to Chunt.

You fell asleep for another five years.

You picked up a little more mail, and then you came on your way here, you fell asleep again.

It's true.

I never know when it's going to happen.

Uh-oh.

Don't

Oh, shit.

I think we lost speed.

How long was I out for?

A ten few seconds.

I thought we were going to play a joke.

Guys, we got to get our story straight.

Either a few seconds or 10 years.

Do you know, like, is there like a specific range?

Like, is it always for a long time or is it sometimes very short?

I thought that it was always for a very long time.

So whenever it comes, uh.

Oh, it sounded like he was gonna sneeze and then they fell asleep.

Damn.

Whoa, whoa.

So sometimes I don't know, but each one feels the same.

It is the same year, right?

I'm with you, gentlemen and badgers.

It's the same people.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I could also see where, Sendor, you're in such a deep sleep that,

you know, for several years that if your mailbag is still with you, people might just slip mail in the bag and you could accumulate more mail while you're sleeping that way.

So again, my apologies for assuming that you,

you know, were sort of shirking your duties.

Well, I certainly was shirking them.

But also, thank you for an apology.

Yes, I've tried to make up for lost time and deliver these things.

Though, the worst are newspapers in that the news in them has, by definition, just not aged well.

Yeah.

But I have to get them out, and I've got headlines that don't make any sense to me.

And newspapers are always famously delivered by male people here in Funani.

Absolutely.

That's probably the main thing we deliver.

Most mailmen are known known to go extra, extra.

Yes.

We had a system for a short time where they hired young boys to go around on carts and throw papers around, but they were all devoured by wolves.

Oh, yes.

I recall this very, very well.

Now, speaking of carts, I am seeing here a tragic headline from this seems to be nearly 40 years ago.

The Challenger cart has exploded.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, that was the cart with a teacher on it.

Oh no.

It is old, but it's still, I still feel sad.

Yeah.

The cart just exploded?

It's unclear.

It says on upon launch of the cart, I assume on its daily route,

it exploded.

Oh, whoa.

I think they looked into it and some of the planks on the side of the cart were loose and it caused the whole thing to

catch, yes, a a fight.

Terrible

tragedy.

There weren't lots of children from all over the town watching the cart when this happened.

Arnie, you're going to feel very silly for saying that.

As I'm reading the story, that was exclusively the audience for this cart's adventure.

Oh, fuck.

Why don't we take a break?

Let's take a quick break, cleanse the palate of this terrible news, and we'll be right back with more Sendor.

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Sendor, I've been leafing through some of these magazines that you delivered to me, like this one, Approachably Naughty Ladies.

And I've noticed that you've kind of someone, I don't know if it's you, has kind of scribbled lots of notes in the margins.

Things like Sendor likes

and

Sendor's favorite and more of this for Sendor, please.

Now, doesn't that

just scream the actions of someone trying to frame Sendor?

If it were to be me doing it, wouldn't I just circle it or put a red dot on the one that I liked instead of so brazenly incriminating myself?

It is true that if it were you, you wouldn't have to say your own name almost every time.

That being said, you are dead on, and that's what I have done here.

I do tend to sign my work, as it were.

I see.

And as you'll see, there's, I mean, Sendor-like, yes, that's on the rating, on the scale of things, that's around like a...

a three or a four.

But you're going to see as you leaf further, you'll find Sendor hubba hubba.

Uh-oh, yeah.

Sendor so so horny.

I see a lot of sort of circled areas that say insert mail here.

I don't want to say where, but

that says

that's M-A-L-E.

Yes, I was going to say.

So I don't know if that's clear or not.

And then it says in parentheses after mail, send or okay, okay, this all makes sense.

This all makes sense.

A lot of it's to remind myself, as if I have, you know, fallen asleep recently and wake up a little groggy, I'd love to remember.

Okay, so, and this isn't going to mean anything to you because they don't, you don't have this in your

world.

So, it sounds like before you go to sleep, memento style, you need to write on a magazine all your thoughts about each page in case when you wake up, you don't remember if it made you horny or if you liked it.

Oh, Arnie, you told us about mementos.

It's where someone sits down on a wet painted bench and it puts stripes on their suit.

And so they roll around the whole bench to put stripes stripes all over the suit and then they move a Volkswagen to get the parking spot is that momentos yes but also

you'd know it's from a different country but you just don't know which one hmm sounds wonderful well uh send or I have to know since you're falling asleep while you're trying to deliver all this mail uh do you still stay in touch with your ice cream uh

family Sadly, no.

I...

When I ventured out on my own, I knew there'd be a chance that I would be going at it and living a solo adventure life, which is how it's been.

They shunned me from the family when I took on this new profession.

Oh, that's terrible.

I can imagine a young Sendor sitting alone in a house at the end of a street where there are no other houses, your family trudging home, covered in chocolate chip cookie dough and fudge chunks as they return from the ice cream mines, and your sad face as you thought someday I'll have to go into those mines.

But you've set yourself free, so you should celebrate.

And perhaps, if you go back to them now, they'll see that you've become the person you truly wanted to be.

I never thought of it that way.

I've mostly thought about it in terms of revenge.

Okay.

That's another angle.

And if I ever found them, what I'd do.

But, you know, I like your angle as well.

All I've been doing is withholding mail from them.

Important mail.

Smart.

Smart.

But I should be celebrating.

I should celebrate my independence and the life I've made for myself, albeit a half-assed job of it that I'm doing.

Not to be morbid, but your family is probably dead.

I mean, working in the ice cream mines is a tough life.

They probably got mint lung or something like that.

It's true, as many do.

I hadn't thought that I might never see them again.

They may be gone.

My...

I feel sad that my plan for vengeance will probably never come to fruition.

Well, should we open their mail then?

Yes, that's great.

All right, well, here's fun.

Well, here's another, oh, here's another old periodical, a headline.

Ooh, a knight escaped on a white bronco.

There was a chase that ensued.

Uh-huh.

It seems by the local authorities this man was wanted for murder.

Can I just say something?

If you're going to commit a murder, a white bronco, those are so rare.

You know, take up, you know, a brown stallion or, you know, any sort of just regular mare, but a white Bronco so specific and so noticeable for Pinto.

Yeah, exactly.

I remember this, uh, this story, and they never should have let him try to try on that gauntlet.

Agreed.

It just, it gave away the whole game.

Strap.

Okay, let's see about my family's mail here.

Oh, exciting.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, to head of household.

Oh,

is that your...

Would that be considered

your mother or who is the head of the household?

Well, take a guess and see if it's offensively right or wrong.

Oh,

boy.

Um, oh,

a giant head.

Your grandmother.

I'm gonna guess like a maybe like a parrot?

I'm gonna guess it's maybe a parrot.

All great.

Not quite offensive guesses.

The head of household was my father.

I know you all wanted to guess that, but.

I mean, I was thinking it, but I didn't want to seem, you know,

I don't know, so regressive in my thoughts.

I understand, I understand.

Well, it looks as though there's plenty of bills here,

but my father's mess.

Oh, this letter to my father, missing you greatly.

That's a great start.

Yeah,

our nights together were wonderful.

I missed you long,

as I know that your wife can never know about us.

I mean, this could be like spam mail.

This could be like, you know, just a way to draw someone in, and then there's a coupon or something.

Keep reading.

Sendor must never know

that I am his mother.

That sounds pretty specific.

That's quite a switcheroo.

See you next month at our usual meeting spot, which I don't need to dictate here as you already know where it is.

And love to my boy.

Oh.

Oh.

Sendor,

I'm so sorry.

Uh.

To imagine all those years your mother thought that she brought you to term and gave birth to you, when in truth someone else did that and she didn't do it at all.

She never knew that she wasn't my mother.

Oh,

you wish she had just for revenge sake, or well, the revenge plan is just ruined.

It's just all forms of this plan are falling apart before my eyes.

Uh, well, uh, or

or

uh, now that you know your mother is someone else, maybe maybe she's still alive somewhere.

Perhaps.

And you could get revenge on her.

Yeah.

Well, revenge is revenge.

So I suppose if it's done at all, there must be some satisfaction to it.

I never thought about it.

Revenge is revenge.

It is.

Yeah, it's exactly what it is.

Look, when you're feeling bad, sometimes you just gotta get some revenge on someone.

So you can feel better about yourself and you can know you've ruined something for someone else.

It's revenge.

It's the perfect cure-all.

Yeah, and who knows?

Your mom could be like a

some sort of magical creature, like a narcoleprechon or something, like

a sort of sleeping magical creature.

That's right.

I would explain so many things about my upbringing and why I am the way I am.

I like all of these.

At Yusuf, that was wonderful.

Have you ever worked on an ad campaign for revenge?

Well, I told Larry I would love to, but he just didn't seem interested in an ad campaign for revenge, and he couldn't get a client to buy it.

Yeah, and Pete was trying to undermine you the whole time, right?

Yeah, I always hated Pete.

Ugh.

You didn't even know who he was.

But I may not know who Pete was, but perhaps I can find out who your mother is.

Much like our compass spell, it's going to help us find a powerful weapon.

I am going to cast a compass spell on you

that will help you find your mother.

Your true mother.

Oh, I would be ever so thankful to you.

Great, because I was gonna do it even if you didn't want me to.

Also, isn't there like a return address on the envelope?

Oh, yeah, we should look at that first.

Oh, let's let's see here.

This could be the clue.

Return to sendor.

Nope, that won't help us much.

No, all right.

Uh, here, uh, let me get out my crystal ball.

I get out some spell components.

Uh, we're gonna do this one right, boys.

All right, now

here, put your hands around the crystal ball, Sendor.

All right.

Get pigs.

Get out of there.

Get out of there.

Put your hands around the crystal ball and concentrate.

Think about your mother.

Think about the letter you just read.

Oh,

he's asleep.

Oh, I'll catch it.

I'll catch it.

I'll catch it.

I'll catch it.

Ah, ooh, close what he threw that ball right in the air when he woke up.

Yeah, that was scary.

Thank you, Chant.

I appreciate it.

Sendor, do you always wake up so violently?

I have never woken up any other way, so I have nothing to compare it to.

Oh.

Do you dream?

I would, I, as a boy, I learned I never dream.

You learned you never dream, or you learned to never dream?

Learned to never dream.

Oh,

your dreams won't come true.

My mother said at the time, so why dream at all?

And I was able to work that into my actual dreams, so I never dream.

Wow.

But sorry,

you had a crystal ball for me, and I needlessly snotted off.

It's all right.

Put your hands on the crystal ball.

Concentrate on your mother, the letter you just read.

Eroth, Toroth, Toroth, Trot.

Ernoth,

Entoth, Autoth.

A Sendor, Sendra, Sinda.

Okay,

now.

Look around the bar.

Do you see anyone who you think's your mom?

Hmm.

Well, there's several.

I suppose I'd like to be my mom.

Well,

do you feel drawn in a particular direction?

Do you feel like maybe there's somebody around here?

Or maybe you're like, I can feel they're in the east from here.

Yes, yes.

I'm feeling strong sensations coming from

the northwest corner of this tavern.

Oh, right here in the tavern.

What were the odds?

I need to sober up.

Can I have

just a hot trophy?

Hot trophies for all.

Yes, you're very near.

Okay.

Now, Arnie, get the Arnie, get the recording equipment.

Grab the troughs.

Okay.

As subtly as you can, and carry these troughs over to the corner.

Okay.

We're gonna stand a couple feet behind you.

We're here, your

support system.

Send over here if you need us.

All right.

Did you need something?

Um, yes, I uh I

suppose I should close my tab.

I'll be moving on from this tavern shortly.

Uh, I didn't catch your name.

My name is Sandra.

Sandra?

Yes.

Allow me to introduce myself, although you can see clearly on my name tag here.

My name is Sendor.

You look so familiar.

There's something about you.

Are you in barely 45?

That's all right.

I understand.

I myself carved my own path away from the fold.

Arnie, put down Ends Meet magazine.

Something's happening over there.

What?

Oh, sorry.

I'm just going to take a wild stab in the dark here, Sandra.

I've got to ask you something.

I hope you don't find it forward, especially since I've seen you nude.

But

are you my mother?

Yes, damn it.

Yes.

I thought it was you when you came in, and I thought it's not possible.

It's been so long.

It's been over over a hundred years.

You can't.

Oh, wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

But, sorry.

How long was it?

Six.

A few seconds.

Just a few seconds this time.

One of the short ones.

Good.

Chunt.

Chunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This magazine, it's spelled M-E-A-T-S ends meet.

What?

Why won't you tell me?

I don't want to be.

I was just talking to Chuck.

This is our thing.

This is like a chunt thing.

Sendor, I had an affair with your father years ago.

I got pregnant, I gave birth to you, and then I tricked your mom into thinking she had been pregnant for nine months.

How could you?

I've thought she was my mother my whole life, and she's a big part of my revenge plan.

I'm so sorry.

They've been dead for decades.

I have to admit, I did assume that with the time passage.

Yeah.

But you're still here.

Well, I fall asleep for long periods of time, but I don't age when I'm asleep, so that's why I'm still barely 45.

Well, you look great.

Thank you.

And I mean, again, you are my mother, but the knockers,

just sensational.

I mean, I think it's okay to say that, you know, even just objectively, they're just great.

I'm really keeping it tight.

Arnie, should we step in?

I'm not sure.

I'm a little concerned.

Why can't I?

Like, what are

you doing?

This does not involve you.

I'm just a little concerned that you started this spell and his mother just happens to be in the same bar.

Yeah, this seems, this seems like a setup or something.

He might be in danger.

Cindor might be in danger.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about, Cindor.

There's no possible way that I was sent here by the mail service to murder you.

Oh, well, that's great to hear.

Why did I even say that?

It's just good to rule out, I guess, all bad possibilities.

So it's just, yeah, start naming them.

That's fine.

Junt, Chunt, did you hear that?

It's spelled M-E-A-T.

Yes, I heard you.

I heard it too.

We're having soup.

Really?

Yes.

It's so much easier to dissolve things in soup, don't you think?

I've thought that for years.

Yeah, you can hide basically anything in soup.

Well, I've always been drawn to soup as I found my parents who I thought were my parents, when the ice cream melted it, it became soup, and I always kind of delighted in the fact that their ice cream had melted.

Before we go back to my house, though, I have to admit something to you.

The man who you thought was your father.

He wasn't your father.

I've been having an affair with him.

But really, I got pregnant by someone else.

Then I convinced your father that he was the father.

Then I convinced your mother that she was the mother.

Well,

the man that I thought was my father's not my father.

Who is?

It's...

It's embarrassing to say, but it's um

It's the Duke of Gumbelspit.

Oh my god.

We're a royalty?

Well,

you know, you're the bastard son of a duke.

Son, still son.

Yeah, so, I mean, I guess you could go, like, cause some trouble.

He's been dead for a while, though, too.

His, like, legitimate heirs took over.

They probably wouldn't remember me or.

Oh.

oh chandra

what you were only up for a few seconds oh good oh thank goodness uh if i sometimes i fall asleep and i i can't poison the person i was planning to poison hey arnie yeah do you notice how sendor and his mom um they keep falling asleep but it's always just for a few seconds i know

You would think it would be like a few seconds, then a few years, then a few months, then weeks, then it feels like they're just tired.

Did you not notice how quickly they're waking up?

Yusudor was trying to have a conversation.

Chunt, is it possible that he just thinks he's been sleeping for hundreds of years at a time and he's just sleeping for a couple seconds at a time?

Could be it.

A lot of power naps, maybe.

Yeah.

But also, something seems very suspicious about this mom.

Like, she seems to have some kind of ulterior motives.

Now, it's possible it's just because she's still adjusting to being 45, but I don't know.

There just seems to be something off about her.

Yeah, soup is more of like a appetizer than an an entree.

Well, I agree with you about the poisoning part of soup, so

I'd be delighted to go back and eat with you.

Yeah, well, let's.

Why I'm off my shift now, so why don't we just go right now?

So, should I close my tab or just it's it covered?

Would you be comfortable covering that?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I'll cover it, no problem.

It's the least I could do for my little boy.

Thank you.

Mom, would you want to have a group hug to just you and me?

Yeah.

Oh, a group of two.

Oh, all those pigs are running up to join in, but the mom's kicking them away.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Excuse me.

Sendor.

Sendor, could we talk to you for just a moment?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm about to go off with my mom.

Yeah, which is great.

We're just checking in.

Like, just a lot of stuff has been thrown at you in the last few minutes.

Are you doing okay?

I'm doing great.

Everything is making sense now.

It seems like I've got a path forward.

I know sometimes people aren't sure where they're headed.

You know, I don't know if you would relate to this at all, but I felt a little bit adrift lately, and it seems as though things are clicking into place and making sense, and my path seems clearer than it ever has before.

Okay,

that's good.

It seems a little suspicious, but if you seem okay with it, then great.

That's okay.

Oh, I seem okay with it, all right.

And we just met you, so if you go off and get murdered in soup, I suppose it's not the hugest deal for us.

Well, now you've said that about soup and murder as well.

It's just an option of how people die.

I guess it is one.

I'm going to be honest.

I'm only saying it because she said it, but it really stuck out to me that she uses soup to poison and murder people.

I hadn't thought about that till right now.

Is it possible, Sendor?

If this is your mom, and I'm not even sure if she's really your mom, is it possible that you've gotten her thirst for revenge genetically?

It certainly is possible.

Things are making sense.

Oh, she's clapping for something.

Did someone did a pig do something?

Well, well, well,

little Arnie camp, you figured it all out.

Oh, how does she know your name?

That little.

I've been watching and serving you troughs of drinks.

Waiting for Sendor to arrive here.

And now that you've figured out my plan to poison my son with soup, I'm going to poison you all with soup.

Except the soup will be knives.

You won't drink it.

I'll just shove the knives right in you.

That's not soup.

I think she's just drunk.

Yeah, Lee, knives aren't soup.

Yeah, I know knives aren't soup.

I'm just saying that in this instance...

Help me out here, Cindor.

It's a metaphor where the soup is knives, and instead of the knives being drunk in you, I put the soup in you, but the soups are knives.

You were trying to murder me.

I know that now, mom.

I won't be helping you out anymore.

I'm gonna take this knife from you right now.

What?

I have to, I have to confess something to you, Sendor.

I wasn't,

I wasn't ever really your mother.

Oh, God.

Well, okay.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

But I inherited so much from you.

The people who

publish all these pornographic magazines, they're furious at you for not delivering to them.

The pornographic magazine industry is basically ended.

You can't find them anywhere anymore.

And now...

That's horrible.

Yeah, I know.

They sent me here to kill you, and I was happy to do it because I loved showing off my magnificent brass.

Hey, let's all agree.

Different final words, right?

Let's all agree.

If we're asked, there were different final words.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

Okay, but also, is she sleeping or is she dead?

I'm not getting a pulse, but I'm just looking at her.

Well, let's let's take a quick break.

We'll keep uh searching for signs of life and we'll we'll be right back.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

So, Sendor, um, hmm, this kind of a lot happened, and there's a dead woman here.

Um, will I be blamed for this?

I mean, you did stab her.

You did stab her.

I did stab her.

I mean, she said she was going to poison you, but you did stab her.

I don't, I'm less familiar with exactly how all foon justice works.

I will say, and I don't, I hate to do this, but when you said sick Sendor Tyrannus, there was a pig in the balcony up there that jumped off and broke its leg.

I feel like the other pigs are going to kill him anyway.

We might as well put the blame on him.

Is that crazy?

It's a great idea.

I do.

We've escaped pig

in our midst.

It's a great idea.

And you would do that for me?

I think so.

If everyone's on board, I don't want to be the only one lying here.

No one else.

I just don't want to be culpable.

Yeah, I mean,

oh, now you need me to be part of this?

Q Sidor, come on.

Come on.

All right, what is it you'd like me to do?

I never thought I'd say this sentence again.

We're thinking of framing the dead mom on a pig?

Ah, I see.

Well, as the greatest lawyer in all of Foon, I can tell you that a skate pig is the one true and certain way to get out of a murder wrap.

And I would gladly stand by you, Sendor, since it was my spell that misdirected you, not to your mother, but just to a very attractive older lady who wanted to murder you.

That's incredibly sweet of everyone.

Thank you so much for sticking by me in this.

Yeah, we just met you, but you seem like an okay guy.

I'm happy in general, yeah.

Remember when certain, there was a time when they said that male people would go postal and they would

get very violent.

Yeah,

I do remember that.

I would love to do that, but I can't.

I'm too happy.

Well, you did just stab that woman to death.

It's the happy guy who loves revenge.

Yes, that's right.

And I did stab her, so I suppose I got some sort of revenge out of all of this.

And after all, revenge is revenge.

Revenge.

I forgot revenge is revenge.

Revenge is revenge.

No, don't forget.

That's what it is.

That.

Remind yourself if you have to.

I shall.

Sendor,

glad that we could send you off with such a happy ending, with all your loose ends tied up.

Even though you don't know what happened to your family, you're still going to fall asleep for years at a time and failing to deliver the mail.

I think this is the happiest of all possible endings.

And I noticed on this letter about Chunt's aunt dying, you wrote Sendor likes.

Oh, that should have been Sendor so horny.

Oh, come on, man.

Well, like, she shouldn't have included a picture.

Oh, wait, Arnie.

I'm flipping through, sorry, this issue of drenched wenches, and there's a magazine here called Hidden Magical Items Monthly?

What?

This is addressed to you, Sidor?

Oh,

I guess my spell took the form of a magazine.

That's very good.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry, I answered for you, Chunt.

No, that's okay.

Yeah.

Let's take it again.

Arnie.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Chunt.

Fuck, it's hard now.

We're both playing.

Yeah, sorry.

All right, all right.

Any.

Yes?

Chunt.

Fuck.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I shouldn't be part of this.

Sorry.

One more time.

One more time.

One more time.

Sendor.

Yes.

Any.

Yeah.

Chunt.

Chunt.

Chunt.

Yeah, sorry.

I know where the magical weapon we need is.

Wow, isn't that exciting?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, where, where, where?

Wait, are you saying, and I'm just going to try to hype you up a little bit here?

You're saying a magical weapon we need to defeat the wizards in the wizard war?

Yes, yes, that's what I'm saying.

That's probably why that mother spell didn't work, because this spell was so powerful, it overwhelmed it.

You said, I don't want to spend too much time on this, but that mother spell didn't work in such a weird way.

Okay.

Like, it didn't work, but it also did.

Like did it conjure up, magically conjure up a woman that wanted to kill Sendor?

Like I don't even understand how that happened.

We'll never know.

But what I do know is this.

We must return to Hog Space.

Why?

That's whether.

I should have.

Okay, that was my fault.

I didn't clarify.

Sorry, it's just the way you said things.

It's like if you went to go see like a healer and the healer's like, you've been diagnosed.

Right.

And then the healer's like, I'm going to ask with what?

And it's like, well, I'm kind of assuming you're going to tell me.

It seems important.

I have.

Okay, let me try to get it.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Sendor.

Yes.

Chant.

Yeah.

Ani.

The magical weapon we need is back

in Hogsface.

We have to go.

That's so interesting.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We have to go back to Hogsface.

Let's go back to Hogsface.

Hogsface.

Let's go back to Hogsface 2.

That's my favorite one.

Your favorite one?

Yep.

Wow, so interesting.

Revenge is revenge.

Are we still doing the daily t-shirts?

No?

Tragic.

Usero the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chonk the Talking Badger was played by Adil Rafai.

Sendor Melmanman was played by special guest John Hartman.

John plays Nigel Chessam on the CBS sitcom Ghosts.

And boy, does he want you to know about it.

Good luck squeezing in any updates about your own life between stories about being apart, however small, and rarely featured on the promotional materials of Ghosts.

Last week, John was 45 minutes late to brunch and finally arrived saying, So sorry, I was just reflecting on my backstage antics with people like Richie Moriarty Moriarty and Danny L.

Pinnock, who never seem to mention John on any of their socials.

Anyway, good for him.

Watch all four seasons of Ghosts on Paramount Plus.

And if you're in Los Angeles, see John perform regularly at the UCB Theater with the musical improv shows Baby Wants Candy and Shamelton.

And when you find yourself quietly praying for someone to edit him, well, just know that you and I would be friends.

Finally, some good news!

Hello from the Magic Tavern is taking the next two weeks off for a little summer break, because this summer exoskeleton is ready to be unveiled at the pool.

For the next two Mondays, a formerly paywalled Patreon episode will be unlocked and added to the main feed, so you can get a free taste of whatever's going on over there.

Then we'll be back with new episodes starting Monday, July 14th.

Speaking of the Patreon, Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by the supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get add free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus: More Teeny Tavern, a small talk show hosted by Momo the Mouse.

Sorry, your walnuts are ready.

It seems like the store conjured some walnuts.

I just did one of the silent ones.

Well, thank you, Usidor.

Everybody, you might want to close your eyes, shield your eyes.

Let me give you a mosquito drum roll.

Thank you.

Seven walnuts crushed into oblivion.

They're dust.

Wow.

In between your butt cheeks, it's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

That was quite impressive.

Follow-up question.

Those are your butt cheeks?

Right.

Okay, okay.

They're down here.

They're down there.

Shun, where were you looking?

Where were you looking?

Where were you looking?

Where were you looking?

I'm looking at his eyes.

I was looking at Momo's breasts.

i mean

oh i was looking at my tiny socks today's episode is sponsored by tiny socks they're so cute currently affiliated with tiny pants for now

to hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern hello from the magic tavern is produced by arnie kniekamp matt young and adul rafai post-production coordination by garrett schultz associate producer anna hoverman this episode edited by anna hoverman hello from the magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

That's it for now.

See you right back here in three weeks.