Season 5, Ep 60 - Abomination (w/ Sandeep Parikh)

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Coming, coming, be right there.

Sorry, I had to check the shop I run out front.

I know, I forgot about it too.

I forget for months at a time that I'm secretly in Foon this season.

I mean, have you read our show Bible?

It is not a page turner.

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How could you even think that?

Wink.

Here's the skinny.

Somerville, Massachusetts, and New York City in July.

Washington, D.C.

and Philadelphia in August.

Charlotte, North Carolina, and Richmond, Virginia in September.

With about 28 days between each date for our hosts to walk from each city to the next, stopping in small towns, befriending the locals, and solving the occasional mystery.

Links for tickets and info in the show notes.

Now, sit back, calm down, and enjoy the show.

Right this way.

We're almost free.

It's just up this

incline here.

We'll be out of the ravine momentarily.

You sir, you've been trying to guide us out of the ravine for like a week.

Well, there's an incline right here.

I promise if you just follow me,

we'll be out of here shortly.

Just follow me.

oh i don't know if i can keep going you know what

well he's not gonna realize we're not following him for a while why don't we sit here and start the podcast

that sounds good all right

hello from the magic tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of foon i'm your host arnie kniekamp if you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know 10 years and several months ago i fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in chicago into the magical fantastical land of foon luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast chronicling our adventures across the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good bud, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Shape.

But oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

No,

Talking Badger is

appropriate.

Yeah.

Huh.

Are you doing okay, bud?

I know.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's only been a week since you had to give up your shape shift.

You chose to give up your shapeshifting powers to end the animal war.

Arnie, it's weird.

Is it?

Yeah.

You know how I used to,

I think I used to like rip off my face or something?

I have so many impulses to.

Don't miss that one.

If I'm being perfectly honest, like whatever you're going through emotionally is valid, but I don't miss you ripping your face off sometimes.

That's fair.

But I, you know, I have a bad habit of like chewing my fingers and stuff.

But now I'm like, hey, I gotta, I gotta hold on to these puppies.

So yeah, it's just been interesting.

I also realized that before I gave up my power, I didn't take off my Starmer that's under my fur.

So it's just, it's just very itchy.

So I do have, under my fur, I do have a whole layer of armor.

Is that, is there, is that going to be a problem?

Like, you just have armor under your fur?

I don't think so.

Like, will it slowly try to work its way out of your body over time?

Maybe.

I do feel it already coating my claws.

Okay.

So in theory, your entire skeletal system could eventually be kind of metal.

And hypothetically, if your whole body was burned away, you could still be like a metal skeleton version of yourself?

Hmm, I don't think so.

Okay, shit, because that sounds fun.

Yeah.

That just sounds fun.

Like something we would do.

Yeah, maybe one day.

How are you doing, Artie?

I'm doing okay.

You know, obviously you're the one with the big changes, but as a result of you losing your powers, I did end up with just a tiny, tiny bit of your powers.

Now, I'm the only magic one in our group.

I can shape-shift my hair color mostly.

So that's just getting used to that.

I've mostly been doing different shades of brown.

So.

Do you have any color requests for my hair?

Ooh, maybe like a dirty blonde.

Okay, that's further outside of the brown spectrum, but okay.

How's that look?

Yeah.

And it changed?

And you changed it?

No, I think I shaved my pants.

Well, that's dirty rough.

It's hard, you know, it's hard to know how much I have to concentrate on it.

Yeah.

It's pretty fun at the top of this incline.

Usidor,

we started the podcast.

Fine.

Oh, he's rolling down the hill.

And I am joined, as always, by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trochus, the Elves know me as Fearing Yelk, the Dwarves know me as Jonan and Hoogstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

And I swear.

What's happening?

Now I'm going to go.

Woo!

That looks pretty fun.

I'm telling you, that incline is where it's at.

Okay, I guess.

Alrighty, give it a try.

Oh, Alex.

I don't know.

It's not going to be great for what's going on in my pants right now.

Arnie, you always tell us that we should try and recapture some childlike wonder, and I feel like rolling down this incline helps achieve that goal.

Okay, well, here, look,

there's a little brook over there, a little stream.

I'm going to quick wash myself off, and I'll be back in a minute, and then I'll do all the fun stuff that you guys are doing.

But the podcast is yours.

Don't mess it up.

I'll be right back.

This is Usidor.

This is Chunt.

And we're getting

nuts.

I found, I don't want to brag, a walnut in our journey through the ravine.

Wow, I found a pimstachio.

Ooh.

One of my favorite drinks.

Pimstachio cup, delicious, very

sort of fruit-forward.

Oh, I agree.

Fruit and nut both.

You know, it's like, it depends on how you make it.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Oh, look.

Here's a snake.

Just crawled up next to us.

Okay.

Doesn't seem like it's a talking snake.

Okay, it just bit me.

All right.

Hey, guys.

Guys, look what I found over by the stream.

Look at this giant thing.

Hello, friend.

I am Yusodor the Blue.

Who be thou?

You're talking to me?

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I didn't catch your name.

So I guess in retrospect, I'm sorry, though.

Yeah, my first impulse was to say crazy-looking thing, and I changed that to giant thing.

Because

it was like one of those, I looked over my shoulder.

I was like, Are they talking to me?

Yep, turns out talking about me.

Or is that like a cool nickname?

Is it that obvious?

I mean, you're bigger than Average.

I guess you, I wouldn't say you're like full-on giant giant size.

Who dares upon my incline?

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, is this your incline?

My domain that I

guard.

Forgive our trespass, friend, for I simply wished to climb the incline and thereby leave this ravine once and for all.

For you see, we searched now for our very tavern, the wanderlost, a traveling tavern with amazing legs that traverses around the world itself, but we have been separated from it.

And we need to get out of the ravine, because if it walks into a ravine, it's going to get stuck in here, and then we're going to have to get our friends to help us push it out.

Oh, so much backstory.

Yeah, and I'm sorry to get distracted, but you sort of reminded me, that tavern had great legs, right, Chunt?

Oh, yeah.

Legs went all the way up to its asshole.

Nice here.

Also, that tavern had an asshole, which is less appealing.

So I'm so sorry,

big guy.

What?

You're the keeper of this incline?

Yeah, champ.

Well, I'm sort of...

I'm like incline sitting.

It's not technically mine.

I'm just sort of watching it for

a friend.

Your friend, it's your friend's incline.

Yeah, I have friends.

Yeah, no, I got a friend.

No, I have them.

I have them.

I believe you.

And I hope you consider us amongst them.

That's pretty forward.

I'm a very friendly person.

I love making our friends.

You got us insulted by this weird friendless guy.

Like, he's clearly the friendless one, and now he's rejecting us because of you.

All I want to do is make friends with everyone I meet.

Because if I imagine this, Arnie, imagine a world where I made friends with everyone in the world.

Then they'd all have to be friends with each other because they all know me.

And then there'd be no more war.

There'd be no more hate.

There'd only be love and peace and goodness throughout the world.

And I am so sorry to have burdened you earlier with so much backstory.

But you see, when we met Arnie and Hog's face

about 10 years ago,

this is more backstory.

So there's a lot of backstory.

There was a lot of signals of backstory coming.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

So, but this is your approach to making friends?

You just roll upon their inclines at will?

Well, if I don't roll up, then sometimes I fly out of the sky in the form of a giant eagle and then appear before you in this form and you're amazed by my wizardly prowess.

That's a good question.

Chun, how do you approach a potential friend?

Well, typically I will offer some sort of compensation in terms of like a baked good or perhaps cold hard jewels.

So it's transactional, is what you're saying.

Like bribery.

At first, but then they realize that I bring something to the table of value and we can go from there.

I see.

Well, do you like jewels, friend?

No, I do.

I like jewels.

I'm really exploring myself these days.

So I'm kind of trying to figure out what I like, honestly.

your hands are going nuts.

First of all, thank you for calling them hands because they are clerving hooves.

Yeah, your things.

Yeah, sorry, your things.

No, I appreciate that.

No, really, because I've just,

I'm an abomination, obviously.

I don't know if that was clear.

Yeah, no, no, I am.

I am.

Well,

I think there's a negative connotation, possibly, to the word abomination.

I would say you're a potpourri.

Oh,

lovely.

Yeah,

you're a mixed bag.

Is that what you're called, or is it like how Usidor is a total fucking mess?

But we don't call him that.

Oh, his race.

That is his race is a sort of

the total fucking mess of mess is what you're saying.

That's it.

I'm going up this incline.

I'll talk to you all later.

Sure.

Hey, guys, real quick, guys, real quick, before he comes back.

Yeah.

Is it just me, or is it wild that Usidor said, can you imagine if I was friends with everyone?

Then they'd have to be friends because they all know me.

What?

Yeah.

That's not how friends were.

Is it just me?

I hate to.

I hate.

I know this is the kind of thing that people I don't like would say, but have you ever noticed that people that want to save the world, sometimes they just want to make it about themselves?

Yeah.

It's like, I want to save the world and I want to be at the very center of that process.

Oh my gosh, tell me about it.

I feel that.

I feel that so hard in my whatever this is.

I wouldn't call it a soul.

I was sort of just,

I think, constructed at the whim of the goddesses.

But yeah, no, I long for a purpose such as making friends or kind of a thing.

I think I'm in a mid-like sort of abomination crisis, you know?

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Hey, well, why don't we start the friend-making process?

I'm Arnie.

I'm from another world.

This is Chunt.

Hello.

What's your name, if you don't mind my asking?

No, thank you for finally answering the first question I started out with, which was, who

dares upon my insurance?

We did appreciate you bringing,

we dare.

Sort of looping back to that, that's lovely.

I'm Sal Kator.

Salkator.

Sal Kator.

You can call me Sal, you can call me Cody, you can call me

any cute, cute

nickname for

like a fun.

Are you okay with him?

Are you cool with Tori?

No, I hate that.

So, Sal Kator to Cody, that's sort of like a Jonathan to Jack situation.

I don't know.

I've never heard those words.

Did you just cast a spell on me?

I don't think so.

Do you feel different?

Chunt, maybe he'll understand if you say,

is it more like a Jonathan to Jack situation?

Why would I say it like that?

We have Jonathan's and Jacks.

I guess that's true.

So Sal, Kator,

you're an abomination.

There's,

I don't want to say it, and I'd rather hear it from you to describe yourself, because there's a lot going on.

There's a lot.

Yeah, I'm, I think I'm technically half Centaur, half Minotaur.

Senmin.

Like mostly.

So it's like sort of 25% horse, 25% bull, sort of 50% humanoid.

Yeah.

Rough.

And I think there's some other, there's some other stuff going on.

Sal, you said it correctly, because in my head, I was like, oh, half centaur, half minotaur, a centaur.

Because that's what happens when you portmanteau those things.

So I think he did have the appropriate description.

Thank you.

Yeah, no, you're right.

That never thought of it as a...

It is a double portmanteau, isn't it?

God, I could talk to you guys for hours.

Oh, good.

Maybe.

I'm not an expert.

It seems like you got just a little bit of giraffe going on in there.

A touch.

Yeah.

No, it's sort of on the backside mostly.

And maybe a pinch.

A pinch of wolf?

Oh, you noticed.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, I so wish I was more wolf.

Like, I was like, ah, can I get a couple more percent wolf in there?

But no, just a nostril.

But I'll take what I can get.

Well, you are rocking that nostril.

My mom's a manticore, so, you know, I have experience with, you know, chatting with a jumble of things.

And my mom's from the Midwest, so none of this makes any sense to her.

Or would.

If she knew what podcasts were.

So, I've decided to come back if everyone's ready to be a little nicer to me.

Not quite yet.

Bye.

Yeah, I'm good.

Why don't we take a quick break?

Goodbye.

Why don't we take a quick break?

And Sal, when we come back, we'll

maybe see what shared interests we have.

What are we breaking?

We can't explain breaks to this guy.

Well, let's take a break.

We'll explain breaks and podcasts.

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A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

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Once I met a skeleton and he was all bones, all bones, all bones.

That was so fun.

Sal, that was such a fun game.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Listen, you guys, this has been an absolute blast.

I haven't had visitors in, I don't know, centuries, I think.

This is a very infrequently traversed part of the ravine.

How long have you been sitting this incline?

For centuries?

This isn't even your incline?

You've been here for centuries?

I'm not even sure they're coming back.

I'm not even sure they're coming back.

I think it's one of those, you know, you deal with the mountain goats kind of situation.

Now I'm in love with them and feed them and all this stuff.

And I feel like, oh.

Someone's gotta, you know, so I can't leave.

Yeah,

it's been a long time since I fulfilled my one purpose for for being created.

So ever since then, yeah, sort of like

what's next for old Salkator.

Salkator, do you mind if we delve a little bit into what your one purpose is?

Some of my people seem to know what that is.

What's next, Arnie?

That's your thing.

No, way to pick up on all the signals that I wanted to tell my story.

So

I was created in response to a demon king who had

was granted a wish by the goddesses.

Oh, here comes Yusudor running down the hill.

Okay.

Sorry, I just I heard I heard a I heard a story from far away that sounded like someone had been summoned to this world to do something.

So I got real excited.

Yeah, no, no.

You love backstory, so you're going to love this.

I'm going to love this.

Yeah, so this king was going around.

He's like, he got this wish and he became invincible.

Now, he very cleverly made this wish, like, the longest run-on sentence ever, where he was like, I cannot be killed, neither by day or night or by man or beast or inside or outside.

And so

many

caveats and sort of legalese.

And so then I was created in response as neither man nor beast.

And then I killed him at dusk, you know, so that it wasn't technically day or night.

And I did it like sort of in the threshold of like a motel.

So it wasn't inside or outside.

And yeah.

So no, I did it.

I did it.

That was like, I can't even remember, thousands of years ago at this point.

point.

So, you were created as an elaborate workaround?

Like, someone was nigh in unkillable and goddesses or gods or somebody created you to kill that unkillable dude?

Pretty much.

Yeah, they pretty much programmed me with like the one goal.

And I was like, so into it.

It's like all I wanted in life was to just murder this guy.

Yeah.

And honestly, I'm really into legal documents and stuff.

Like, I love kind of finding that loophole.

So, to me, it was very exciting.

It was exciting to read.

You happen to be sitting across from Foon's greatest lawyer.

Really?

Well, the title was earned

through combat

and winning a court case against the greatest lawyer in all of Foon.

So, a technicality, which maybe makes you like it even more.

Technically, Ani is the greatest warrior in all of Foon, and I am technically the greatest lawyer in all of Fun.

What's like your favorite clause?

Oh,

I love anything.

You know, I love a writ.

Oh, man.

I love me, a writ.

I love the Santa Claus 3.

I'm unfamiliar with this.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're missing out, buddy.

I love habeas corpus.

Just really hoping we, you know, can hang on to that.

But with the wizards, who the hell knows?

It's a crazy time, man.

No, that's gone.

We're not going to that one.

Hey, hey, Arnie.

Yeah, what is it, buddy?

Did you say I was falling asleep last time you told me the story of Santa Claus 3?

Was it that if you're bitten by a Santa Claus, you become a Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Wow.

But then Santa Claus enters the Clausoverse, and there's just Santa Clauses from every dimension.

I just like multi-dimensional things.

Whoa, and you said there's a clause it, which is half clown, half Santa?

Mm-hmm, half wardrobe.

Whoa.

You see, uh...

Get back in that closet.

I think it was the famous phrase that came in.

Yeah, and it had that famous song, I liked a closet, closet.

What's the one where you can't feed Santa Claus after midnight, or he turns into a gremlin?

Hmm.

Hey, Arnie.

Describe the woman gremlin again, please.

She's on the fire.

It's too horny, Chant.

It's not horny hour yet.

Please, we have a guest.

Arnie, we have a new friend.

Sakotori, you have to hear this.

It's the craziest story from Arnie's Planet.

It's called Dirt.

And we, uh, we just love hearing about all the gremlins, especially Tony Randall.

Do tell, do tell.

Sounds like even a better story than Invincible King.

And yeah, yeah, this is way better.

That's like

a bad thing.

We can get to me elaborately describing both gremlins movies and what I imagine will probably happen in an eventual reboot.

But maybe we'll do that during the break where we can wave our hands about it and not have to spend as much time on it.

But Salkator,

you accomplished your feat.

First of all, when you killed this Demon King, like, was he really as bad as

all that?

Oh, he was bad.

Yeah, he was really bad.

No, no, yeah.

Yeah, he sounded like a real prick.

He was a dick.

Yeah, no, he wasn't just lording over people.

Like, he was really big into

human thrones, like thrones made out of other people.

Like, he just doesn't just sit on sort of piles of dead bodies and that kind of stuff.

Like, he's really into it.

I have always said, human throne, red flag.

Huge, red.

Yeah, yeah, huge honesty.

Huge red flag.

So I feel like the goddesses were justified in their sort of destruction of it and my creation.

But I think they just sort of forgot about me.

Like, it was like, oh, he did it.

Great.

And then there was like a party and stuff.

Like, I was celebrating, which is nice.

And then it was like, okay, well, then you go figure out the rest of your life.

And I'm like, oh, am I technically even immortal?

I don't even, guys, I don't even know if I'm mortal or immortal.

Like, I'm not even quite sure.

Oh, sure.

Like, how do you know until you're dead?

That's a good question.

Great.

I wonder the same thing because, like, I'm probably not immortal, but I feel like I am.

Yeah, you definitely live life as if it's never going to end.

Like, I know death is a thing, but not for me.

Death?

Not for me.

Yeah.

Like, I know I should stop talking about this, but I will not.

Skip me with the death.

I honestly wouldn't mind dying at this point.

Okay.

It just feels like it would be something different, you know?

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

Have you tried learning to play the piano?

Oh,

I've tried so many hobbies.

Yeah.

But not so much.

Like, I've done a lot of like

bowling with skulls.

Bowling with skulls.

Like, skull bowling.

Sure.

That feels like Demon King activity, if I'm being perfectly honest.

Did you live in the Demon King's palace for a while after killing him?

Well, yeah, because it it was kind of the only place, you know, that I knew, really, you know, so I was like, oh, well, this is obviously vacant.

The goddesses have the party there, they take off.

You're like, well, I guess I have to clean up.

Who's cleaning up?

This guy.

And then I guess I'll just stay here.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I killed the Dark Lord, and the goddesses didn't throw a party for me.

That's true.

Yikes.

Are you in their favor?

How dare you?

Of course.

Considering no party for you, Sidor.

I'm going up the incline, and I'm going to be fine.

I don't know if he even got like a card or anything.

Yeah.

Yikes.

So, Sal,

you started bowling with skulls.

What other hobbies did you try out?

I tried to,

oh, man,

like yarning, yarn work,

using entrails of various creatures.

Sure.

Let's see what it is.

What were you trying to make with those entrails?

Like, a sweater?

I was trying for just a simple scarf.

I was like, just try, let's go with something just easy, you know, to start out with.

And honestly, it was a mess.

Yeah.

So just to sort of...

There's nothing really ticking, you know?

Gotcha.

Just to sort of get like a snapshot of your MO.

So, human throne, bad.

Quilt of entrails, good.

Oh, well, I didn't.

Listen,

I'm not involved in deciding whether this guy was good or bad.

That's not my.

I am just the executioner.

There's a sort of separation of powers for a reason.

I see.

You were just a physical manifestation of justice.

I guess.

If that's what you want to...

Listen, I'm just out here trying to feed some mountain goats at this point.

But yeah, for a while, I was like, you know, I really loved tearing his flesh and like, you know, sort of killing him neither by weapon nor hand.

I killed him with my hooves, which was kind of a cool move.

I ripped him apart with my hooves.

I was pretty proud of that.

Did you say something cool when you did it?

Yeah, I just sort of growled and

I was like, taste hoof.

I think I did say I think I said taste hoof.

Oh man.

I'm not sure if I'm honestly retconning that for myself or not.

But in my brain, I think I said taste hoof.

Oh, that's so good.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

So yeah, then he obviously spent his last mortal seconds just sort of bleeding out, which was cool to also witness.

One time Yusudor vanquished a demon, and after he vanquished him, he said, that'll peach him.

And we said, and

Arnie and I kind of looked at each other, and we said, did you mean to say that'll teach him?

And Yusudor started to panic.

He got real sweaty, and he goes, no, no.

And then he pulled a peach out of his hat.

We all saw it and put it on top of the guy.

And he goes, he was holding a peach.

We're like, what are you doing?

Yeah.

He planted the...

Yeah, he planted the pun.

That's tough.

Sankator, I think I maybe...

The more you explain this story, the more I feel like I've seen some tapestries of this.

Oh, okay.

Like depicting your great destruction of the demon cat.

A lot of good artwork.

A lot of good sort of meme-ory was created from.

Yeah.

I gotta say, they're some of the most gruesome tapestries I've ever seen.

No,

people really got into the hoofing part.

That was really the main.

And when someone said they were going to show me some hoofing tapestries, I was excited.

I did not.

I think I misinterpreted what I was going to see.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry you experienced that.

That sounds rough for you.

It was.

It was tough for me.

We all have our burdens.

Guys, guys,

I found

on the, just on the other side of the incline, I found a bunch of boxes with t-shirts that said, taste hoof.

Oh.

Whoa.

It's like a bunch of merchandise that someone can't move.

Oh, shit.

Sal, did you...

Did you try and like brand your killing of the Demon King?

Well, listen, you know, Abomination's got to eat.

Sure.

And I was just trying to make it...

For a couple hundred years, people were really into it.

So, yeah, I sold saddles, helmets, whatever.

Whatever the sort of...

There was a pretty cool print, sort of blacksmith operation that you could get the same print, but on various items.

Okay.

And it made it really easy.

The whole fulfillment process was taken care of by this.

That's wonderful.

Did they take care of returns as well?

Because I feel like that would have to be the worst part.

Oh, I wish.

That's why I stopped.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd love to hear more about this wonderful fulfillment center, but let's take a quick break.

Fine, if you're going to talk to me like that, I'm just going to go up this incline.

Oh, nobody said anything.

I know.

We were all staring at each other for that entire break.

We were just...

And then he just said that.

He's having a real conversation in his head, I think, about it.

I think so.

Sort of seeing demons.

That does happen.

When people lay their eyes on me for the first time, it kind of does discombobulate a lot with what's going on in their brains, you know.

It's such a hard thing to grasp visually.

Yeah, it takes a minute for the brain to sort of process and be like, what am I looking at?

Is this a thing?

Am I sleeping?

Is this a...

No offense, waking nightmare?

What is going on here?

Am I looking at three things and not one thing?

Yeah, one time I fell asleep and someone was trying to solve me like a puzzle.

They were like trying to, you know, sort of move a piece of my body.

Like a spine puzzle?

Yeah.

Like one piece is out.

Yeah, that's brutal.

Brutal.

Oh, Sal, you said, I see some off in the distance.

You said there's mountain goats here that you've come to love them.

Are they your friends or do they talk?

I think they're just a mountain goats.

I keep trying to train them to do stuff, but they're pretty feral.

And they mostly, it's like, it feels very one way, honestly.

It's like, oh, unless I bring them their feed, they don't really want to cuddle or hang out or anything.

Honestly,

this is the longest conversation I've had.

This is so nice.

I really appreciate you guys kind of sticking to it.

Of course, you're doing great.

Yeah.

You're a friend now.

Wow.

Wow.

Because I thought, honestly, and this is maybe a me thing.

The last guy that had the incline was like, oh,

you're such a good friend.

You know, will you do me this favor and watch the incline for like a few

And it's been so long, and then they haven't come back.

And so I kind of feel like the whole, it's like a little bit of a trigger for me when people call me friend, you know.

Who was this person?

He was like a troll, troll of the incline.

This was his domain.

But then I think,

you know, I don't know if it's cursed or something, but it just feels if I could, you know, I should have known.

I should have known, honestly.

They were so happy to meet me and they were like, oh, just come hang out.

Like, we'll, you know, eat together.

We'll eat this flesh.

And, you know, he just brought me so much flesh, um, and it felt so warm and inviting.

And then, before you know it, he just he's such a good talker, you know, and was like, Oh, you know, if you just hang here and watch this place for me, and then I'll be back, you know, before you know it, and a blink of an eye.

And ugh, Arnie, this is what you called being Tom Sawyer.

Oh, yeah, what is Tom?

What is this Tom Sawyer?

Well,

Arnie,

hold on, another movie from the Santa Claus series, Arnie.

You always start by going, Mino, Mino, Mino, I know, going to say.

Let me see how many of the lyrics I can remember.

So, Tom, Tom Sawyer, real mean guy.

Yeah, the neener, neener, neener part is really the part that I remember the most.

You usually start, this, Arnie, this is exactly how it always goes, and then you eventually go something, something, pink defense.

Yeah.

Is it today's Tom Sawyer, or is it tomorrow?

Like, which, which, what, what today's Tom Sauer?

Oh, my gosh.

Your guesses are better than my memory.

No, I just wanted to know of which time you wanted to.

You're speaking of Tom Sawyer.

So you're telling me the start of your story isn't Tom Tom Sawyer?

Wow.

I was a part of the Tom Tom Club earlier.

I thought that was the way the story started.

It's confusing.

I'm in no rush to figure it out.

I think that's right.

Ooh, I just saw Usidor perked up, perk up.

It feels like he's running down here.

I've decided to forgive you all.

Just because I feel here in Salcator, I have found a kindred spirit, someone sent to this world to do a great deed of good on behalf of the goddesses, who's lost their way.

So I say unto you, Salcator, will you join mine quest?

Though I have defeated my great enemy, the Dark Lord, a new enemy has arisen.

And perhaps you never left this world because you were always meant to join me in our quest to defeat the evil wizards who even now amass power to destroy us all and ruin our lives.

You would conscript me into your quest?

Aye, for I look at that giraffe neck on your back and I say, that's a beautiful creature that the goddesses insisted must be in this world.

It's honestly like the one part of me that I haven't really even used to do much of anything.

I feel like there is

it's it has it of itself has purpose, you know what I'm saying?

Like that piece of me.

And so maybe it'll be solved in your in your quest.

I, this sounds, honestly, this is a hot offer.

Is there sort of some kind of like

riddle or, you know,

is there some sort of legalese in your quest that you think that I fit in well to?

I think I just figured it out.

You were born into the most complicated, impossible seeming task, which you, which you used all of your mental capacity and all of your weird body capacity to solve.

and since then you've just been trying to do like little hobbies and things you need right like a riddle or just you need a complicated life task not a simple one yeah i really want to thread that needle you know oh i think i can come up with a riddle let's see here what do you know about riddles uh not much let me okay okay oh i have one okay

so a goblin is taken to a healer and oh because the girl the goblin was like hit by a cart

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

There's, oh, how do I, okay, so the goblin...

Okay, so the goblin is with...

The goblin's in a cart with his dad.

Yes.

And their cart gets...

The horses panic and the cart tips over and they're both sort of injured.

And

the goblin's son is taken to a healer.

And the healer looks at the goblin and says, I cannot heal this goblin.

That is my son.

How is this possible?

Goblin gave birth to another goblin?

Goblin gave birth to another goblin.

Do you want to show your work on the board?

Yeah,

let me conjure the board.

Oh, Sal, Sal,

I'm ready to answer.

I'm ready to answer.

I've locked in my answer.

Oh, so polite.

Go ahead.

The goblin was a female goblin.

And so, and people are like, oh, the healer.

Sorry, the healer was a female healer.

That's what it was.

And people are like, oh, no, females can't be healers.

That is not a thing.

And I...

That's bullshit.

That is just garbage.

Yes, yes, yes.

And so everyone's like, oh, no, there's no way that it could possibly be that the healer is the mom, but the healer is the mom and the healer's the female.

Yes, you, Sal, you nailed it.

You Sidor, we got to talk later.

I don't know what you were saying.

But Sal, you absolutely nailed it.

I want to see a scene.

Ernie, do you want to do a scene with

Chunt?

Wrong podcast.

Wrong podcast.

Here's my question.

Usidor, Chunt, who's the most complicated villain in All of Fun?

Like, not necessarily the worst, not necessarily, like, the wizards who are the greatest threat to all of Fun.

Who's like the most complicated villain?

Ooh, there is Patchwork.

Patchwork is a hundred-mile tall and wide ball of like different strings.

They're just kind of tangled together.

Pretty complex, pretty mad.

Sure.

Songkator already said that he's not very good with yarning.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Well, I mean, it's sort of at a beginner level, yeah, but who else you got?

There's Scaramouche.

Of course, Scaramouche can't be killed under the sun.

Very, very frightening.

Does he do the Fandanga?

Please.

Of course, he can't be killed under the Sun,

can't be killed near the Sun, can't be killed with the Sun,

has three sons,

and then also

has four friends who he'll never name, but he always sends a gift to, and he doesn't see them except for once every other Wednesday.

Oh, that does sound very complicated.

That sounds very exciting.

And his mother was the mother of someone's mother.

Chund, it's hard to tell if this villain is complicated or it's just the way Usidor tells stories.

It sounds like his mom just had a daughter.

I don't know.

I know.

What are we doing?

What are you talking about?

When I said a goblin made a goblin, you freaked out.

That does sound pretty complex.

Is that what you asked Arnie?

The most complex villain?

I guess so.

I guess I'm just trying to think of like a good challenge for Salkator, but also, you know, defeating evil.

I mean, defeating evil is probably a good part of his purpose.

I love defeating evil.

Oh, there is Twistus.

Oh, yes.

Go on.

Yes.

Go on.

This sounds promising.

Twistus is

sort of an evil, magical slab.

And you approach him and he'll say, Twistus, Bapis.

Twistus.

Twistus.

And you kind of have to do what he says.

And if you fuck up, you lose something you love.

Could be an eyeball, could be a cousin.

It kind of differs.

But it's actually pretty fucking fun.

How do they command you to do something?

Like, there's like a color and a

body part?

That's Seaman.

Unfortunately, named.

Not S-I-M-O-N,

not spelled like it sounds.

Seemen has the colors and the shapes, but Twistus is...

You just kind of want to.

You just kind of want to do what he says.

Now, if you mess up killing him, can you start over?

Yeah, oh, yeah, you can play as many times as you want.

Yeah, one of the most nefarious things about him is just you he can't really die, he just seems to keep coming back.

And if you're doing a good job of killing him, he just gets faster and faster.

Yeah, these all these all sound pretty good.

I mean, these are all really good options, they're not bad.

Honestly, um, I'm interested, but I have been getting into one uh hobby recently that's felt a little bit fun, okay,

and uh, so I'm like kind of maybe want to complete that and it's collaging.

I'm like just getting into collaging

using sort of various cool trees and branches I find or body parts of animals or you know you know various visitors or whatever and I just sort of like rip pieces of them off and then sort of slap it onto my cave wall and just really kind of see like

like you know what's what am I gonna get it it's kind of a vision board for me you know I don't know I'm feeling like maybe I kind of want to rip pieces of you guys apart and put it on my cave wall.

That's kind of where I was going with that.

And I'm wondering how you would feel as my friends about

that.

Normally, I would be the first to donate to the cause, but if you would have just caught me last week, one week ago, this dude was a freak for ripping his face off.

Oh, oh, man,

I love a good face rip.

I could rip your face off.

Back up, back up, back up, back up.

I'm happy to rip your face off.

That's okay.

That's okay.

No, no, I'm down.

I'm down.

That's something you need.

Did you hear that?

He said he wants to take my face off.

No, nothing.

No.

Just appreciation.

I'm just appreciating what you just said, Chunt.

And I want to tell anyone out there listening right now that wants to send me an email saying I didn't appreciate that one enough.

I did.

I did.

I can't allow you to take Chunt's face off.

Instead, let me offer this.

I'm listening.

The finger of a wizard.

What?

Which finger?

I don't want a shitty ring finger.

You gotta

give me one of the good ones.

You don't want a ring finger?

Alright.

You could have pinky.

Pinky?

Those are cute.

I want index.

You want index.

Yeah.

Is left index okay?

What's your dominant hand?

I'm right-handed.

Well, then obviously I want the right-handed.

You want the right right-hand.

I want the meaty one, yeah.

I mean, yeah.

All right, all right, here you go.

You said,

oh, wait, maybe we should set some ground rules.

Maybe you should set some ground rules.

Like some tat, like, uh, you can have the finger, but if there's a red sky at night,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love me some ground rules, please.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, maybe.

Well played.

Uh, yes, you can have my right index finger if there's a red sky at night.

Okay, and if you're uh and uh

helping out here,

it's

liquor before beer.

Yes.

Makes you sick.

Eyes before see,

exceptions are welcome.

Except if a mountain goat won't cuddle with you.

Yes, and you can only

take it once your friend has reappeared.

But if your friend reappears, then you must do a dance, and that dance must ensure that your friendship shall last forever.

And speaking of taking it, you can only take it to the limit.

One more time.

One more time.

Okay, okay,

I think I got all these down.

Yes, yes, this is wonderful.

Oh, you truly are friends.

Very well.

And then when the limit comes, twice, I think.

You're right.

You said the limit comes twice.

Then I will get the index finger on your dominant hand.

But also, don't forget beer before liquor, and then eyes before C.

Eyes before C, except if a mountain goat won't cuddle you.

If it won't cuddle me.

Yes.

And also the eyes.

The eyes that Chun was talking about, the eyes before C, the eyes are up here.

The eyes are up here.

Yeah, don't look down to where I was looking before, yeah.

Not appropriate.

And except a neighboring way.

And what hand was it, Usidor?

My right index finger.

Okay, so it'll also have to be righty-tidy.

Oh, yes.

That's good stuff.

Is it righty-tidy from

above, or if I'm twisting from below?

That's part of what you have to figure out.

Yes.

If they're looking directly at you, Usidor, would it be lefty-you see?

That's how you'll remember.

Righty-tidy, lefty-usey.

Righty-tidy, lefty-usey.

Got it, got it, got it.

Well, we're going to be on our way.

But you'll be back when my troll friend comes on the red sky day, right?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yes, yes.

Excellent.

Yes, so we're just going to go up this incline here, and my friends will finally see the wonderful things at the top of the incline that they didn't want to see earlier, and we'll wish you well.

Perfect.

And just as quick collateral, I'll take his face.

Just like kind of good collateral.

How about just like a lock of hair?

Does Does it change color?

Salkator, I have some magic hair for you.

Let me just...

Does anyone have scissors?

Or...

I have scissors!

Right here!

Oh, it's a peach.

God damn it.

Yeah, that is a peach.

Swear I had.

Were you going to say, like, here's a peach of hair?

I'll just, like, I could pull off, like, ugh.

There you go.

It's like a strand or two.

It's not a lot.

No, this is shit brown hair is my favorite color.

That was.

That was not.

perfect.

Fair, I guess.

Thank you.

Well,

it's been lovely.

It is helpful.

Our pleasure.

Well.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye, old friend.

Well,

so long.

We will be off.

Nice meeting you, Salcator.

See you guys soon.

Bye, Salcator.

See you guys soon.

I had a pair of scissors in there.

When he said mountain goats, I thought it would be like a bunch of them, but it's just one.

Right, you would think.

Guys, I'm going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Now, I don't want you two to get too excited, but I've been trying to get you up this incline and out of this ravine for this entire episode.

And I didn't want to spoil what's on the other side, but no, you wouldn't listen to me.

But now, look, yeah, follow me.

Come on, right up here.

Look, a water park.

Whoa,

wow.

We're gonna have a blast.

Woo!

Woo!

Who dares enter my water park?

Damn it!

Oh, fuck no!

If there was ever a time to pivot into gorgeous, fully realized avatar-style 3D episodes, it would have to be for the Water Park episode.

Finally, those Patreon millions put to good use.

Userdor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Salkator the Abomination was played by special guest Sandeep Parik.

Sandeep is an executive producer and performer in the hit RPG actual play Desiquest, set in an original South Asian mythological universe.

Another universe, wonderful.

Sandeep is also the director of the upcoming sci-fi comedy movie starring Reika Shankara, called Vidya's Guide to the Afterlife, which you can still back on Kickstarter.

Follow his exploits at Sandeep Parik on all the socials.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Drainger.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.