Season 5, Ep 59 - Extraordinary Boris (w/ Kyle Bethea)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

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And now, while you research what are the current fashions lighting up Somerville, Massachusetts, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and a couple of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon luckily i'm still getting a wi-fi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the magical land of foon and i'm joined as always by my co-host he's got a lot on his mind chuck the talking badger

oh excuse me oh man

that donkey egg was huge what

You ate the donkey egg from last week?

Arnie, no, we ate the donkey egg.

Breakfast this morning.

I thought that tasted weird.

And I gotta say, I don't know if Cawthorne was stretching the truth, but that was not a donkey egg.

I think that was just a giant regular egg, right?

I mean, you cooked it.

I don't know.

It tastes a little weird, but I don't know what donkey tastes like.

Seemed like an unfertilized donkey egg to me.

You could taste the level of fertilization?

Oh, I could taste the level of donkey.

Okay.

Like, how, what level of donkey was it?

20.

Okay, level 20 donkey.

Out of.

Uh, well, you know, I would say it was like 20% donkey

20%

fish egg, 20%

bird egg, 20%

frog egg, and then of course 30%

man egg.

Ooh, Arnie, have you had man egg?

No.

It's so good on anything.

Sandwiches, pasta, love man egg.

Oh, some man egg.

Ooh, also, Arnie, have we told you about the donkey scale?

No.

It's sort of,

there's a doctor in Foon who's kind of trying to figure out how,

you know, where proclivities lie in terms of sexuality.

And,

you know, everyone falls somewhere on the donkey scale.

I'm a 38.

Have we told you about the Donkey King?

No, there's so much you haven't told me about in this area.

Oh, yeah, we haven't covered donkeys enough, I suppose.

We never talk about donkeys.

Donkey King is a monkey.

Let's get that straight to start with.

Okay.

Why is he the Donkey King?

Why is a monkey the king of the donkeys?

I don't know, but that's what he's called.

He's called Donkey King, and he loves to kidnap women and take him to the top of his tower.

Oh, terrible.

Terrible.

Yeah, but then he jumps on the tower in such a way that the levels of it sort of bend so you can get up there a little easier.

If you just didn't jump so hard, they'd all be flat.

It'd be much harder to reach him.

Huh?

Remind me not to visit Donkey King country.

Arnie, that was tropically frozen years ago.

It was tropically frozen?

Yes.

Have we told you about...

You know what?

There's no time.

We're here.

We're entering the remarkable ravine.

Ooh.

Beautiful.

Yeah, there's colours, but remarkable.

I can't tell if this is actually stunning or if just the name remarkable ravine makes me appreciate it more.

Yeah.

I very often we don't take the time to really appreciate our surroundings and the beauty of food.

There's so much lush overgrowth and beautiful

pastural scenes that we walk right past, talking about butts or whatever, and we could really spend some time painting a picture with our words.

Aye, these descriptions would seem to go on for pages and pages as we talked about the way we bit into a ripe tomato, and then the juices dribbled down my beard, and the seeds were caught in there.

And suddenly, a bird came down and took its little beak and ate the little tomato seeds out of my beard.

And then, and then

it got closer and closer to the beard.

This is getting a little harder.

And then the bird and I, we started to kiss a little peck here.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Well, maybe I'll save some of this for my new podcast.

What?

Wait,

another new podcast?

Yeah.

I was inspired by Cawthorne last week.

I'm going to start a podcast called wisdom but get this w-i-z w-i-z yeah no i saw it what you did they saw it coming really yeah

well this is probably a good time usidor for me to let you know that chunt and i have started a podcast talking about what your erotic fiction and we're calling it my wizard rotoporno

and listen We're not making fun of you.

We're celebrating you.

Could I be anonymous in this so people don't know i'm the wizard you're talking about yeah we prefer you to be anonymous cut us so much time out of every episode but guys uh keep an eye out for um extraordinary boris uh or i guess also he's sometimes goes by magnificent boris some of his scrolls are signed magnificent so i've never met him before keep an eye out for a moose shouldn't be too hard to spot here now chun you said that this moose had made a lot of demands on you in relation to the animal war?

Yeah, he's the one who months ago said I need to give up my shapeshifting ability to sort of like, you know,

align myself with the land animals so I don't turn into other animals and become sort of a double triple agent, etc.

So, so we're here to kill him.

No, no, no.

Uh-oh.

We're here for me to make my choice and

to his face and let him know what's what.

So keep.

Oh, these are weird branches.

Look how short these branches are.

Look at these branches over here, guys.

Damn, they're beautiful.

Sound the trumpet.

Oh.

Ha ha.

It is I, extraordinary Boris.

Whoa, these weren't branches.

These were antlers.

Hi, little guy.

Do not call me little guy.

It is I, extraordinary Boris.

It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the the great halls of Trocas, the elves know me as Fiang Elic, the dwarves know me as Zodenhukstanges, and I'm known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar and the Mooses of Foon know me as

big antler

grab butt.

He took out a little book and started flipping through the pages.

Yeah, I forgot that one.

Ah, I see you finally accepted my invitation.

Uh, yeah, yes, uh, extraordinary Boris or magnificent Boris.

I don't, sir, I don't know what to call you.

Please, anything is fine.

Extraordinary Boris, magnificent Boris, whatever name you see fit.

Just don't call me what it was you said, little guy.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I didn't know.

I didn't realize that was you.

I will say I'm surprised.

You're sort of a smaller moose than I would have expected.

Yes.

Yes.

I sometimes am mistaken for a horse.

He's sort of balling up his hooves.

My father, of course,

towered taller than most mooses, ten feet tall.

Some say eleven.

That sounds extraordinary.

But I

curse it.

Stand no taller than five four.

Oh,

don't

laugh at me.

That seems like an exaggeration.

Look, we won't call you little guy.

Okay, buddy?

Don't call me buddy.

I'm not going to call you buddy champ, okay?

Oh, dawg.

Aw.

All right, we won't call you champ, little guy.

Enough.

We're sorry, pumpkin.

You know,

I've been called an enchanted moose.

Do you know why?

Ah,

you...

Someone enchanted you?

You're enchanted?

Someone enchanted me, yes.

And what normally when someone is enchanted, their powers

are

well, what would you say, Usador?

Spells, illusions, feats of strength, press the digitation.

My enchantment is that I see the way the world is.

I see people for who they are, what they are.

Oh, fuck.

What's the source of this enchantment?

Was it uh like a troll that you made angry, or like a witch who you like ate her flowers or some bullshit?

The source of my enchantment

was the torture I endured through Moose High School.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Uh, well,

sorry, just to be clear, you didn't, like, accidentally trample over, like, a witch's kid or something.

No, you simply went to high school.

I went

simply went to high school.

An understatement of the millennia

tortured day by day.

Boris, Boris the tiny horse, Boris the little horse, Boris the little goat looking like a horse.

Oh wait, I've seen some of these scrawled in bathroom stalls.

But what bathroom stalls?

Oh, j um, sorry, just some of the taverns in the area.

I've seen those names scrawled into the.

It doesn't matter.

Could be a different moose.

Well, it made me who i am

do you understand what i mean what i'm saying yeah we all endure hardships and that uh becomes part of our personality and sometimes we think could i go back and live that time again knowing what i know now and have a much easier time but then would you be the person that you are now or the moose

and then would you be a different person in the future who didn't know to go back and to fix those things and then you would go back and make the same mistakes you made the first time when you went through it the third time, and then the third time you'd come through and you'd say, Well, I shouldn't have done that, and you'd go back and you'd fix it again, but you'd fix it a little different this time, and uh

why does User have to explain things in the form of a trilogy?

Ooh, and double ties.

In one of them, they wear double ties.

What was I talking about?

I don't know.

Okay,

I'll tell you this: I wouldn't change a thing because it made me who I am.

Yes, maybe my father stood five feet taller than me.

Wow, that is magnificent.

Yes, yes, yes.

Shut up.

What's really magnificent is the grit,

the point of view, the way I see the world.

Okay.

He's taking out some cigarettes.

Unless you think about a 10-foot moose, and then that's pretty fucking spectacular all on its own.

Well, where did it get him?

Huh?

He's in the ground.

Oh.

Wait, like, hold on, is he...

out of the basement or do moose bury or like burrow?

Is what I was he dead or he died.

Okay, yeah.

He died.

How long livid was he?

He lived to the ripe old moose age of

210.

Wow, that's old for a moose.

Well, is that

I asked because you said to the moose age.

Like, is that moose years?

Is that different than other years?

Good question.

Moose years are different than most years, yes.

A 210-year-old moose would be, hmm, let's see,

2,000 groundhog years.

Shit.

Okay, now we have to.

Oh, this is like ounces of quartz.

I'm going to.

Let me.

I have a table in my hat, but I'm going to have to dig around for it.

I'll find it.

Don't worry.

Here it is.

That's not it.

Oh, but I guess

mainly

condolences.

Thank you.

Yeah, how long ago was it that your father ended up underground?

90 years ago.

90 moose years.

90 moose years ago.

We'll need that chart

for it to make any meaning to you, I imagine.

He was a tough but fair father.

Now, I will say

he certainly showed me no sympathy for my struggles.

Oh, did he walk antlers with you a lot, or?

yes.

Being ten, some would say eleven feet tall.

His antlers look like he wore a rocking chair on his head.

Whoa, did

this sit in his antlers?

Yes, all

manner of fair moose maiden.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

I've got it here.

I've got it here.

It's three and a half ounces of dark chocolate, a tablespoon of unsalted butter, two large egg yolks, one tablespoon of white sugar, one quarter cup of water, one tiny pinch of salt, and a half a cup of chilled heavy whipping cream.

First, you have to break up the chocolate into small pieces.

Yes.

I think that's a recipe.

Yeah, for moose.

I was looking for a moose thing, right?

For moose.

Oh, what?

The moose ears, moose ears.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Wizard scum.

Finally, somebody said it.

How dare you say that?

Oh, no, wait.

No, oh, you misunderstand.

Yes, most wizards these days are scum.

But I am Usidor, the blue wizard, the one last, true-hearted, good wizard fighting for freedom and righteousness throughout all of Foon.

I've seen wizard scum carved into a lot of tavern stalls as well.

Yeah.

And you sure, you do get.

We pop into a tavern, a lot of people approach you immediately and they go, my friend doesn't like your face.

Right.

That's happened like 80 times to where it's like, what's going on?

Yeah, and I can only cut off so many guys' arms, you know, before it's like, what do you got to learn?

Yeah.

So we're cool, right, Boris?

We're cool.

Well, if we're cool, then let's take a break.

And I grabbed another cigarette.

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So, Boris, you're like,

I don't really fully understand your position.

Like, you're the leader of all the land animals?

The leader of all land animals.

So far, neutral in the great animal war, sea versus air versus land.

That's uh, that's pretty impressive.

You, uh, not to be rude, I I hadn't heard of you until I started receiving your scrolls.

You must have rose through the ranks pretty quickly.

Well, it wasn't without its struggles.

Many challengers from my brothers, first and foremost.

Everyone knows Chet,

my father's golden child.

The magnificent Chet?

Is this magnificent Chet?

That's well, that is what he goes by, but certainly he hasn't earned it.

I'm the firstborn.

Why, why, why, why wouldn't I be magnificent?

Well, I guess because you're short or tiny.

Or, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Minuscule.

He meant to say minuscule for a moose.

Chet.

Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet.

How big is Chet?

He's just putting out a cigar in his mouth.

Yeah.

Morris, is Chet...

Is your brother Chet the one that owns the bakery, Chet the Baker?

Yes.

Last I heard, he was trying to franchise it and expand it to as far as the eye could see is what he said.

Which is not very far.

And that's what I said.

I told him real ambition is leading the animal, the land animal creatures in the great coming war.

And we will pick a side when the time is right.

Meanwhile, Chet bakes his muffins, his bagels, his pastries,

his funny valentines.

Just real quick, I just want to say to anyone who might be listening, I heard him say the great coming war, but I don't want to touch it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Sorry,

can I say to,

I know no one edits this show, but if someone did, I would hope that they would isolate Boris's laughter and just have that for future use if we need it.

Oh, yeah, maybe

use that as like some sort of like when you knock on someone's door, maybe that sound plays or something instead of doing it.

Absolutely.

Extraordinary Boris, I do want to ask, you mentioned, I'm really hung up on this.

You mentioned that you are enchanted and your power, your enchantment, is that you see things how they really are.

Now, how does that work in battle?

Like, say someone throws a fireball at you.

And what do I see?

How does my power help me when someone throws a fireball at me?

That's what you're asking me?

Yeah, I guess that's what I mean.

I'll tell you how my power helps me.

Before the creature ever throws the fireball, I see through it.

I see its every insecurity, its every weakness.

There you were.

Say you and I were set against each other in battle.

There you are, preparing your rock, your fireball, whatever it may be.

But I look at you and I see someone

who isn't sure what he should do next.

Well, that is how I feel.

Whoa, that is a cool party trick.

And you see.

found it.

First, you need to wet your hair, and then you apply some of the product to your hand.

You spread it between your hands.

You sort of want to run your fingers through your hair, and then dry the hair so you get a nice kind of like

buffant, according to the note that I have here.

Does that help convert the ears?

I think that's the wrong table, Usidor.

That's the wrong moose.

Extraordinary Boris was just about to read you.

Yeah, see you in a way that no one else has seen you before.

Oh, okay, great.

Go for it.

But perhaps you didn't notice because you were doing as you do, hiding behind your so-called knowledge, your so-called books.

Yeah.

Maybe if I just

come up with another factoid, another spell, another oral history, no one will know.

Yeah, I just gotta keep moving like a shock.

That's right.

That's right.

What do your wizard brothers think of your betrayal?

Oh, they hate my guts.

They're so mad at me.

Even Gen Livia, my one-time lover.

Not even one-time.

One-time lover?

Former.

I meant former, not former.

One-time.

It wasn't one-time.

It was lots of times.

Trust me, plenty of times.

May I ask a question?

Yes.

Come closer.

Come closer.

I can't hear.

Have my people.

Can you hear me ask this question?

Am I coming closer because you're so small?

And listeners, I hear it.

Just throwing the word come around so much.

But what is it like to take a lover?

To take a lover?

Is that what you said?

What is it like to take to have a maiden interested in you?

To have her pursue you, to take you?

I haven't known it.

Yes, well, you see, here's the thing.

I've had this on-again, off-again thing with Jinlevia for years, decades, honestly.

And

pretty soon, I think, it might pay off.

As soon as we get past this whole hating my guts for stealing her immortality thing.

Then other times, we have guests on this show who probably come in with their own ideas and their own

sort of

person and their own

well, and often

it seems like they

we sort of try to hook them up with the aria, hook them up with the chant, hook them up with me.

and then usually it doesn't work out, and they go away.

But it's a fun episode, it's a fun episode of just flirting and

Arnie.

Yeah, what do you think they're talking about?

I mean, I always assume people are talking about how they do it, but that can't be right.

Sex?

Powell, yeah, yeah, he's probably saying, like, if you want to have sex with someone, they come from the future, and you say yo, you know, that sort of thing.

And I heard you say come from the future.

I know, I heard it too.

And then, once you've transformed back from rack of ribs into your semi-human form, for you are truly an angelic being trapped in this flesh body,

you turn towards the sky and your minds escape into the wilderness.

That's what it is.

Let me ask you a question.

How does one approach such a situation?

Certainly not, certainly not alone.

I can't imagine myself walking up to a moose maiden by myself.

I could never be so bold, so so brave.

You need what they call a wingman.

just literally a bird.

Just get a bird and oh, sorry, sorry.

I love birds.

If the war weren't happening, uh, you could put a bird on your antler, and the bird would then talk you up.

They did go over and they'd be like, Hey, have you seen Boris?

He's pretty cool, right?

Did you know he's really into what are you into?

Into like art.

Oh, Arnie, look, a female moose.

Oh, it's walking.

Here's our opportunity.

Just go up and just ask, ask about her interests.

Chunt come with me.

Yeah, chunt.

Behind be a wingman be a wingman.

Oh, let me uh let me shapeshift into a bird.

Oh, not literally, you don't want to get killed.

Oh, yep, sorry.

Okay.

Introduce me.

I don't know this lady.

Uh, pardon me, ma'am.

Uh, we couldn't help but notice that you are walking by, minding your own business, not wishing to be accosted by anyone.

Yet I have decided to approach you and introduce myself.

Wrong way to do it.

I am you sador, and this is my good friend Boris.

And now that we have made an introduction, of course, you'd love to spend some time with us.

Oh,

you seem strange.

I'm so sorry.

You seem a little strange.

Oh, well, you know who isn't strange?

My friend Boris.

It is I.

Should I?

Yeah, really, really build yourself up.

Like, be as formal as possible.

Yeah, build yourself up.

Stand tall.

He bailed on that sentence so quickly.

It is I, extraordinary Boris.

Some might know me as magnificent Boris, leader of the land creatures.

What is up?

Pretty impressive, right?

What's your name, young lady?

Who am I talking to?

Am I talking to the wizard?

No, you're talking to the moose, but we're the moose's.

We come as a trio.

I heard myself say it.

We're just sort of hanging out, yo, being cool with our buddy Boris.

Hmm.

We'd love to to get to know you better.

What's your name, young lady?

How old are you in moose years?

Well, I was not interested, but then I heard the wizard say yo, and

there's something intriguing and powerful about that.

Yeah, you'd think that.

You're upstaging me.

My name is Monica the Moose.

Oh, Monica, did you know that Boris' dad was like 20 feet tall?

Oh.

Are you one of those guys that just talks about their dad all night?

No, no, no, quite the opposite.

Quite the opposite.

I have ascended to his position.

I've taken over his responsibilities and his duties.

I'm very much my own moose.

I see.

Yeah, and his brother's got a bakery, so don't talk about

that.

Well, we'd love to hang out longer, Monica and Boris, but you two should talk.

We'll grab some phosphorescent moss for you both to eat and bring it over in a few minutes.

But just chat in the meantime.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

Arnie, stand up and get over here.

Okay, well, no, I'm sorry, I was just watching all that.

It was very interesting.

You got this, Boris.

I'm not really sure why I'm here, but I do like phosphorescent moss.

Have you ever seen my

trumpet corps play?

They follow my core of trumpets that follows me around and plays me in and out of various events.

I get it.

I get it.

You're in a band.

Haven't had great experience with dating people that are in a band.

Yeah, yes.

Yes, but I much more than my music.

I

well, just

last week, I...

Well, I

organized, I wrote up a part of a treaty.

We haven't sent it yet, but it's a very important document.

You'd be impressed if you saw the treaty I wrote.

And Boris writes...

Sorry, I'm down here.

Boris writes poetry, too.

Read her a poem.

Sorry.

Yes, yes, I write poetry.

Yes, sir.

Tell me,

what is your favorite smell?

I mean, I guess it's phosphorescent moss.

Luckily, a lot of things rhyme with phosphorescent.

Phosphorescent moss.

I'm sorry, I panicked.

Here you go.

Before you start your poem, I'd like to serve you both a delicious heaping plate of phosphorescent moss or lichen.

Oh, I don't like lichen.

Can I send the lichen back?

Of course, my lady.

I'm a nurse.

Thanks for asking.

And remind me, remind me your name one more time.

I'm so nervous.

You know what?

I'm so sorry.

Monica.

Ah, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I remember it's Monica.

I remember it's Monica.

Here it goes.

Play a trumpet intro.

Aganta.

This is us.

Silence.

Monica the nurse, a treasure has emerged from a king's purse

richer than gold, richer than silver.

Oh no,

I can't wait to hear what he rhymes with.

Arnie, the only colors not to say are silver, purple, or orange, and he said one of them.

But fairer.

Fairer than a

fairer than a

fairer than

fairer than a dragon dragon, there's a dragon coming.

Everyone run dragon runs, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop.

What there's no sorry, there's no dragon.

I just I wanted to chase Monica off.

I couldn't bear to watch that anymore.

Oh,

what were you thinking, false?

Faw I couldn't rhyme with that.

What were you thinking?

Yeah,

I know what this is.

More moose high school pranks.

No, no,

you're all laughing behind my back.

We would never.

If we were going to laugh, we would laugh right in your face.

No, Boris, you're not stupid.

So you're in charge of the war somehow?

What?

What do you mean somehow?

Yes.

It's my bloodline.

It's my right.

It's my right.

Via my bloodline, my regal bloodline.

It just seems like you're a bit of an awkward nerd who doesn't like girls.

And like, you know, I always think of like a cool general as like a hip guy who's like

really tough and cool and like

wears shades and has like a little cap that's too small for his head.

Yes, and then gets decapitated in the first battle.

Right.

That's a good point.

What a cool leader is so cool.

So cool drawing attention to himself.

Big, flashy, 10, 11 foot tall moose.

Gets decapitated.

First axe thrown.

Alright, you got me there.

You got me there.

Yeah, I guess I never thought about how you being smaller is actually a big advantage in battle.

My one, my only weakness is that my enchantment cannot forgive my worth choice, penetrate

the fairer sex.

Sure.

Well, I'm glad you didn't share that on your date.

Yes.

That's probably for the best.

So this has been killing me.

I'm so sorry.

I have to ask.

Moose high school.

Graduation cap, does it sit in between the horns or over top of the horns?

Good question.

I could not get it out of my head.

Or antlers, I guess they're called antlers.

It sits in between.

Well, it seems like an unrelated question.

Are you tall enough to go on amoosement park rides?

Well,

technically, no, but I changed that law about four months ago.

You have the power to just change laws?

Yes.

Do you have to go through Moose Congress to do that?

You can't just change laws.

Is this a power grab board?

I just...

I have temporarily disbanded and suspended Moose Congress

during these times of war.

I don't know about that.

I don't know about that, Boris.

Well, at least you have the Moose Courts to rein you in, right?

The Moose Courts are proving to be quite a thorn in my leg.

Oh, you do have a thorn in your leg.

Do you want me to grab it?

No.

No?

Well, it helps you in some way?

How is that thorn helping you?

This is embarrassing, but when I

yesterday, we were on a little bit of a little bit of a small mission

information gathering, and I

walked through a thorn bush and caught a thorn in the leg, and was actually bleeding quite a bit, and it seemed like the guys sort of thought it looked cool, so I...

Oh.

I'm sort of letting it ride.

Okay.

Left the thorn in because it looked cool.

I noticed you keep lighting a lot of cigarettes, but you're not really smoking them.

You just kind of keep ashing them.

Yes, well.

He coughs even when he puts a cigarette near his mouth, even though it's not yet.

How could Eddie would inhale these things?

Are you friends with Joseph Camel?

Well, he does.

We've hung out once at Moose Flags.

Joseph Camel left eventually on his hero's journey, right?

Yes, Yes, he's off doing all kinds of adventures imagined.

Well, extraordinary Boris, you're also pretty.

I can't bring myself to say cool, but you're...

You're you.

There's only one you.

There's only one me, yes.

That's right.

That's right.

And that's what I've been telling my people.

The Moose Congress, the Moose courts.

It's just, it's a lot of bureaucracy, but I alone uniquely hold the knowledge, the experience, the view to lead us to a better place.

And certainly, once we see

success and peace in the lands, many, many, many, many a moose maiden will recognize my strengths,

my value, don't you think?

Did he say moose maid?

Moose maidens.

What the fuck fuck is a moose made?

Oh, moose maiden?

Yeah, that's a big call.

Yeah, he said his dad had moose maidens like sitting in his head.

Yeah,

I guess it sounded cool when he was talking about his dad, but when he said that.

Yeah,

it's just like,

what decade is this?

You know, like,

say maiden?

Like, come on, man.

Also, even for his dad, like, having moose maidens in your antlers, like, that sounds like it's going to be cool.

But once they get up there like what are you what are you doing why is he still trying to smoke stop trying to smoke

i can smoke i know how to smoke who doesn't know how to smoke well uh it's just uh i i don't we're not exactly sure how to help you uh here i think that maybe

while uh i i i highly

recommend uh working toward an end to this animal war.

It's terrible.

It's taken too many lives, and it's hard to get around because the animals in the air and the water and the land are all kind of like pissed off.

And that's the three main ways I travel.

Yeah, I mean, I could go into the nether realm and just appear somewhere else, but oh, who has the time?

You guys know what I'm talking about in the nether realm, huh?

This thing on?

Well, technically,

Chunt.

Now, Boris, I believe you wrote a letter

to our friend Chunt, and while he's away, I just want to ask you, are you still insisting that he give up his powers?

Absolutely.

With this war escalating, we cannot have any unknowns.

Chunt must pick a side.

He must surrender his power to Shapeshift and truly, once and for all, join the land creatures.

Okay, but yeah, like, what are you gonna do about it?

What am I going to do about it?

Like,

really, what are you gonna do about it?

What am I going to do about it?

Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?

I've made a trip to the Badger Kingdom.

Oh, they fucking hate him there.

That's right.

I've made a trip to the Badger Kingdom, and I've sown my seeds of

chunt

propaganda.

I've sown my moose seeds of chunt propaganda.

I've started a wheel turning.

They're turning on chunt.

Okay, well, uh,

that's

we will deal with that if we need to.

Uh, Chunt, um, hey, yeah, you still have some friends in the Badger Kingdom, right?

They don't all hate you, right?

Right?

Um, I think I have some allies.

I uh I think maybe Talbot is

with them, and yeah,

yeah, uh, maybe Misha.

Misha, I think Misha likes me.

Um, who else?

Corey.

Both the Corey's, the two Coreys, I think both the Coreys like you.

Grunt kind of bullies me, but it's like it does seem like a playful bully.

Yeah.

I think Ernie likes me.

Oh, sorry.

You're Ernie.

Yeah, Ernie's.

I'm not a badger.

He's not a badger.

That's right.

Sorry.

It's weird for you to say that I'm a badger when I'm clearly something else.

Yes, but why do you ask?

You know, we were just talking to Boris while you were in that other dimension, and,

you know, just no reason, really.

Just curious, you know, what the hell?

I'll tell you.

I'll tell you why.

Oh, he tried to shove Yusuf out of the way and he kind of fell down.

Here, buddy.

It's alright.

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah.

Don't put weight on that.

Don't put weight on that.

Oh, don't.

He keeps going back to the cigarette.

Don't have to take a drag before everything.

Just tell him what you're telling.

I was telling your friends that you will obey my order to relinquish, surrender your changeling power.

Or else I will see to it that you're never welcome in Badger Kingdom again.

I've spoken to the Coreys.

to both cores both coreys

well you know what i've made my decision and i will give it to you after this break

oh he fell down again don't don't put weight on that foot

chun are you sure about this i'm sure look we're your buddies and we'll support you whatever you decide to do it's just there's so i don't think you guys comprehend maybe you sort of does just how many animals there are in Foon Yeah, and this I mean this work could just keep going on and on and on and I always say as a shapeshifter nothing changes if nothing changes so I think it's time for me to make a change.

I think it's time for me to do what I need to do extraordinary boris.

I'm ready to give up my abilities.

I have a magical feather from

Cawthorne, the great crow, the great craven craven and I'm ready to go through with it.

Chant, are you sure?

I don't know if I go through with this particular spell, this...

I don't know if you'll ever be able to be a shapeshifter again.

I mean, we'll find a way to retcon it, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure we can do that.

That's not a problem.

But it might be years before we get back to that story.

Shit.

You know what?

No, I've made up my mind.

I'm going to do it.

Boris, I don't know if you know this.

When I give up my abilities, do you know where

those go?

Do those just sort of dissipate or do they go into like a ball or something?

Yes.

And that's this one final condition I have.

Usidor,

in one of your books, I'm sure you will find the correct procedure in which I

will absorb Chunt's changeling power.

The fuck?

Oh,

yes, I will absorb the ability to change my form into whatever it may be: 10 feet 11 feet 14 feet okay uh well I gotta find that book I still haven't found that table so uh this could take a while oh boy into whatever it may be 10 feet 11 feet you're gonna go for 14 feet it's always the last thing right am I crazy it's always the last thing yeah why would you do the middle one yeah well because sometimes

you know

people will say well you're doing too much you're doing too much of this you're doing too much of that so sometimes you kind of have to sort of hit a sweet spot where it's not too obvious.

You can't wear your

dress, your suit can't be too flashy, has to be just right.

I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're talking about.

No one has ever told me I'm doing too much.

Ah, but let me look through my hat here and see.

Let's see.

I think this is the spell book in question.

I happened to pull it out first thing.

Every human year is equal to four moose years.

Is that the right thing?

That's not.

That was what we were looking for before.

Ah, okay.

I think his dad was around 50 when he died.

Whoa, that's pretty young, actually.

That is too young.

Yeah, late, mid-50s, late 50s.

I don't know.

Anyway.

Sorry, Boris.

That must have been pretty traumatic.

High blood pressure.

Due to the size.

I imagine that's prevalent among moose.

I don't know why I imagine that, but.

May it happen to Chet.

Especially if you're that big.

You know, like, it's hard on the body to be so big.

Yeah, you should be fine.

And carrying all those moose maids in your horns, that's got to be bad for your neck.

Yeah, right?

Got to put a lot of pressure on your neck.

Exactly.

I see what's happening here.

You're trying to sow seeds of doubt into me.

You're trying to make me second guess my idea to perhaps use the changeling power to shapeshift into a mighty, truly extraordinary Boris.

I see what's going on here.

Yeah, listen,

I'll give up my abilities.

I'm not giving it to you.

It either dissipates for good and nobody gets it, or it goes to Arnie.

Yeah.

Or it goes into a ball for some reason.

I don't know why.

I don't know.

I heard it in a ball.

I've just seen so much magic where it's like a sphere in front of someone or a, you know, like a glass, a crystal container ball.

I guess there is a lot of sphere magic in Finn now that I think about it.

Yeah.

Oh, I love a sphere.

Like if you have a sphere of pure fire and you're like, oh, oh, it's smooth on the outside, but it's like burning fire on the inside.

Or same thing with ice.

Like, I love an ice sphere.

Like, it's just, like, so satisfying.

Oh, yeah.

And I don't know if you saw this last episode.

I conjured a giant marble.

Yeah.

It was fine.

All right, never mind.

Okay, marble.

Okay.

So let's begin this incantation.

Okay, do I eat the feather?

Do I hold it?

Just hold the feather.

Now, Chunt.

Yeah.

Why do you always think eat it first?

I'm sorry, Chunt.

I'm just nervous for you.

I hope I'm not being overly critical while you're making this life-changing decision.

No, no, I think

I'm glad.

You know, I'm glad you're here.

No,

this is like an outpatient spell, right?

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll be able to walk out of here as long as you have someone who can help you see.

Now,

Chunt, it's a perfectly reasonable question.

To ask you and ingest one of the components of this spell, of this incantation.

And now, you said you do not want to give the power to to Boris, but I can give the power to Boris if you so choose.

I can put the power into a ball.

That ball will fly into the heavens and return to the sixth realm of Ephesius, where the goddesses will care for it.

Or I could give it to Arnie, I guess.

Like, I don't know.

Like, do we want Arnie to be a shapeshifter?

I mean, I wouldn't say no.

I guess it'd be kind of kooky.

Boris, what's going to happen if we don't make you the shapeshifter?

You're gonna take a long drag on that cigarette and then tell me.

If you do not grant me the shape-shifting power, then I will have no choice but to order all land animals to attack both sea and air.

What that's blackmail.

That's preposterous, you foul scoundrel.

There will be death, there will be violence.

Oh, you low villain.

I say this unto thee.

Should I grant you this power, would you abuse it

the way you already abuse the power you have?

Who would have guessed that someone that made an impossible demand would make a second impossible demand?

I promise you this: I will only use my power for the betterment of all land creatures.

Yes.

I don't know.

It sounds like someone's like, guys, I'm getting a new car, but hey, it's for everybody.

This cool car is for the whole neighborhood.

It's gonna make the whole neighborhood better.

Me driving around in this car.

And it will, and it will, and it will, and it will.

I mean, just think about it.

Your leader, your king, he can change shape at will.

Oh, he's so tall.

He's so muscular.

What is that?

A rocking chair on his head?

That sort of benefits everybody.

Hmm.

I guess with the rocking chair, he does have a point, kind of a ride.

Okay, here's my final decision:

You, Sidor?

Yes.

I would like most of the ability to go into a ball.

Okay.

I would like.

I'm listening.

I got you.

This is Dr.

Patient time.

You talk to me, Chunt.

Don't listen to them.

Thank you.

I would like Arnie to have the ability to maybe like change his hair color.

Oh, that's fun.

Ooh, I like that.

And

extraordinary Boris, as selfish and as disgusting and unqualified as a leader as he is, I would like to give extraordinary Boris a few inches

to his heart.

Okay, to my heart.

To my heart.

Wait, that won't kill him, right?

Oh, an enlarged heart.

That never hurt anyone.

That runs in the family.

His dad had heart problems.

Wait, I want him to love more shit.

Oh, too late.

Okay, here we go.

I meant it in like an empathy-compassion way, but oh, oh, he's really clutching his chest.

Hold tight on that feather so it doesn't leave your hands, Chunt.

Okay,

the hair on all of us stands on end as energy flows through us all.

The magical ball I form here now in my hand contains your magical shape-shifting abilities.

And here, I release it unto the heavens.

And Arnie, to you, I grant this portion of this power, that the color of thine hair may change at thine will.

Oh, my hair feels magical.

And to you, Boris,

I grant thee an enlarged heart that shall allow you to love more.

But to keep pace with the size of this new heart, you shall grow two,

four,

six feet taller than you already are.

And finally,

you shall be as magnificent as thine father before thee.

Let thine antlers grow and be a veritable coat rack for moose maidens.

Ah, yes!

Whoa, and I am spent.

That spell really took it out of you, Sidor.

Wow, yeah, he sort of deflated like a balloon.

Thank you, buddy.

Thank you, Usidor.

Thank you.

You're most welcome, Chund.

Ooh, he's really weakened.

You are always my favorite.

What, buddy?

Fuck.

Shut up, Arnie.

I love you, buddy.

Thank you so much.

Arnie,

I love the new brown hair.

Unless it's always been brown.

It's always been brown.

Keep doing you a subtly different brown.

Extraordinary, Boris.

You look truly extraordinary.

Congratulations.

Oh, I feel like a new moose.

Thank you, Usidor.

Thank you, Chunt.

You're welcome.

Ha, I feel I feel like me.

I feel the same.

Yeah.

Try to change into something, though.

Oh, nothing.

Try to make your wang bigger.

Well, that worked, but because of blood flow,

old-fashioned way.

And I'm staring at this huge moose.

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

My wang.

It didn't grow.

What?

I got much bigger.

My antlers got much bigger, but my

moose wang is the same size.

Oh, yeah, I see that now.

Wow, that must be embarrassing.

I look ridiculous.

It sort of makes you think that maybe power and

the sort of

really things that you care about maybe are less important than you think, and that maybe your masculinity doesn't need to be tied to your size, but really in the way you treat other people.

I immediately order the dissolution of the Moose Congress and the Moose Courts.

I'm going to beseech the Moose Congress to impeach you immediately.

Alright, well, we're off to speak to Moose Congress.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look.

Oh, there's a bird circling.

This is...

I haven't seen this in...

Oh, it's dropped a...

Okay, I got a scroll here.

All right.

Dear Chunt, it's over.

The animal war is over.

The animals of land, sea, and air have agreed to a truce because Wiley Potatoes, the rat with a wand in it, bet everyone that you would give up your shapeshifting abilities.

and everyone said nu-uh, but you did it.

Love

podpires.

Podpires?

Oh, it seems like they got the scoop.

Damn it.

Podpires scooped us on our own storyline.

Yeah.

P.S.

Don't talk about this too much.

We're making a whole episode out of it.

PPS, all of the moose's wartime powers have been dissolved.

What, Chunt?

Did you sign away your intellectual rights to podpires?

Hmm, that sounds like me.

Well, extra and a boris, this is a lot more plot than we usually do, so I think we're pretty tuckered out.

Well, I'm off to find Monica.

Okay.

And when you find her, talk to her.

Just ask her about what she likes and what she cares about.

Although you'll probably have to do a little bit of it.

She might be freaked out that you're suddenly physically a lot different than you were.

Yeah, maybe just start fresh with someone else.

Like, maybe don't find Monica.

It doesn't have to be Monica.

If it is Monica, maybe change your name just because she's not going to believe you or she'll be scared.

So maybe just say, maybe say you're Chet, the aforementioned Chet or something.

Yes, the perfect plan.

Pursue my one and only with a false identity.

She will love the new me.

Now that I'm hearing this, I don't love.

If she does recognize him, that's twice as bad.

Well, we've done all we can here.

Yeah, he'll figure it out.

Guys, I stopped the war.

Yeah, chunt.

That was incredible.

Yeah, good work.

You stopped one of the two bigger wars that are going on in Foon right now.

I guess, legally, it was Wiley Potatoes, the rat with a wand in them, that stopped it through the power and influence and reach of the hit podcast podpyres.

But, you know, I was a catalyst.

Yeah, you were the catalyst for the whole thing.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Maybe that's why I was so exhausted from the magical outpouring.

If Wiley Potatoes' power and mine were sort of floating through the ether at the same time, maybe they combined and like really, you know, made a huge impact on the whole world.

I think we should take credit for this, boys.

I think we've done a great boon for all of food.

Sure, but the most important thing is, at least for the near future, Chunt, you don't have the power you had before, and you have to adjust to that.

And Usidor, your magic is spent.

And that leaves me with my magical hair as the only magical creature co-host of this show.

So I'm going to have to protect both of of you with my hair color.

Whoa, it's light brown now.

I know.

I mean, I'm still just working on the browns, but you know, I'm getting the hang of it.

Arnie, don't say working on the browns, that's what you say in the bathroom.

Bye, Boris.

Bye, extraordinary Boris.

Bye.

Holy shit, it works for pubic hair too.

So close to getting through an entire episode without mentioning pubic hair.

Like Indiana Jones grabbing his hat from under a descending stone door.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Avil Rafai.

Extraordinary Boris, the magical moose, was played by special guest Kyle Bethay.

If you're in Chicago, check out Kyle in Three Actors Living in a Cave, performed at Logan Square Improv.

Finally, Improv, just a short walk from farmers markets, amateur letterpress postcards, and mandolin music.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where a magic spell makes it so Arnie, Chunt, and Usador have to do all their own sound effects.

Or what I call Garrett Schultz gets lazy.

I love drinking jam.

Psh.

That's somebody else's problem to clean up?

Oh, when it broke,

it sounded like your voice a little bit.

Any, was that you?

Did you make the sound of the glass breaking?

No, I didn't.

Chant, did you make the sound of the glass breaking?

I don't think so.

I certainly didn't do it.

Screech!

I think there's something wrong with the sound here in Foon.

Fart

Arnie.

Arnie.

What?

Is that you?

No, they don't think so.

That had your name all over it.

I declare that we should go on a quest.

A quest to find whatever magic.

Chunt.

Chunt.

That was Arnie.

No, it wasn't me.

It sounded very similar.

Well, I think we should go on a quest to find whoever has affected the sound here in Foon.

Fart.

And I won't rest until Fart I've found the person who has caused the sound to be so strange.

Fart.

He's crop dusting.

To hear the rest, and it's very similar to what you just heard, and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.