Season 5, Ep 58 - Magic Crow (w/ Aimee Mann)

People of Earth, etc.

Big news!

Hello from the Magic Tavern is doing some live shows this summer.

Before I rattle off the dates at a speed the human mind can barely comprehend, know that tickets for these shows go on sale next Monday, June 9th.

But Patreon members have pre-sale access to tickets starting right now.

So that's a full week of pre-sale access.

Okay, the dates.

July 18th, Somerville, Massachusetts.

July 20th, New York City.

August 15th, Washington, D.C.

August 17th, Philadelphia.

September 27th, Charlotte, North Carolina.

September 28th, Richmond, Virginia.

What a ping-pong trail around the world.

It's like the Da Vinci Code, but you're searching for disappointment.

All of that info is in the show notes.

And don't forget, if you want to buy tickets early, join the Patreon right now at patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Sheesh, this is more information than I was prepared to deliver.

With Craig and Tricia in another dimension, I've got to look into getting some new assistants to capitalize on my natural ability to delegate.

Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to record a podcast recorded here in the Land of Foon, chronicling our various battles and quests.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud, my cousin,

Jump the Talking Badger.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, Harney, this is a steep climb.

Oh, boy.

Remind me again, Wake.

Why are we climbing this mountain?

We are climbing Sky Nest, the tallest mountain in Foon,

because I wanted to seek the sage advice of the great bird in the sky.

It's said that she's celestial or magical or something.

They just said to climb to the tallest mountain in food.

Nanny,

can you get off my back first?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Thank you for carrying me.

You know I don't walk real easy.

Even though I am counting my steps on my watch.

Now, remind me, Chun, I feel like I heard a long time ago that Sky Nest became sentient in the 90s and it took over.

Or am I thinking of something else?

I don't know what that means.

Didn't that traveler from the future come back and make love to you, Arnie?

Yeah, yes, and it was a lovely time.

Arnie, you've had a future lover?

I mean,

from a lot of my life, all my lovers have been in the future.

What was it like?

Details, details.

Honestly, it felt too important.

You know, okay.

So a magical being came from the future and told me about

that we had to have sex to save the future.

And I was like,

I was like, yo, we can just have sex.

You don't have to put too much pressure on it.

I don't think you said yo.

I think you made that part up.

I said, yo.

Arnie, a lot of times.

And you don't know my bedroom talk.

Arnie, Usidor, and I wanted to confront you.

A lot of times in your stories, in your recollections from the past,

you try and forcibly make yourself sound way cooler than you are.

Yeah, I said, I said, yo, baby.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh shh, shh.

And I, shh, shh.

It's okay.

We don't need reasons besides that you got a body, I got a body.

Oh, boy.

And here's the thing.

They loved it.

Okay.

They were like, everything you're saying is great.

And I'm enjoying this sex very much.

Well, then, would you like a tomorrow horse so you could see them again?

I don't want any of your MLM stuff.

Tomorrow's horse today.

Usidor, you can't unload that.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the Elves know me as Fiang Yalik, the Dwarves know me as Zodin and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And there may be many other secret names.

Names that, if I did e'er utter them aloud, most assuredly, destruction would rain down from the heavens, selecting out only the most egregiously evil people and sparing all those good of heart.

So we should say that name, because it only hurts the evil.

But it's a secret name.

It's a secret.

But it seems like it would solve everything.

It would destroy all the evil people.

Yo, Arnie, be cool.

Be cool.

Hold on.

When you said that, I got all weak in the knees.

Oh,

well, that's fine.

Arnie, that's because we're almost at the peak of the mountain, almost at the apex.

So much.

What?

So, Chunt, we wanted to come to this mountain at something to do with the animal war?

Yes, we and I know most times when you say we wanted to come to this blank, you launch into what you call the Nicole Kidman speech.

Yes.

I believe this is where magic happens.

Oh, wait no no that's a different

you're gonna have to be more specific about what bit what nicole kidman speech i guess well a lot of times we'll go to a tavern and you'll say we come to this tavern to uh and then you go into this long speech just just seems weird yeah it's just about appreciating taverns yeah that's fair that's very fair we're here summoning the top of Sky Nest because I wanted to seek advice on

giving up my shapeshifting abilities.

As you recall, Extraordinary Boris, the Enchanted Moose,

requested that I give up my abilities.

So I'm just trying to get some advice, try and get some

counseling or some tips or tricks, whatever that might be, some life hacks.

Sure.

In terms of if I should do it or not.

Yeah.

And Sean, thank you.

I always appreciate when you do exposition.

Oh, oh, we're getting close.

Guys, guys, run.

Run up the...

Oh, quick.

Hold on, hold on a second.

I have to chase this hawk away.

There's this hawk who's like two peaks over.

I mean, I know I'm like the top of the.

Look, you just got to show it.

Hold on a second.

You have to show it to the boss.

Hell yeah.

Okay, he's gone.

So much wind, your mighty wings flapping nearly knocked us over.

Well,

I feel like I don't often know my strengths.

But, you know, I very determined the hawk, like the hawk really feel, he's like trying to, he's always trying to take over my territory.

And you just have to put him in his place.

And I think the thing he doesn't understand is he can only attack from the top.

So if you're just a few inches higher than him, he can't get you.

And he hasn't figured that out yet.

I see.

Ah, you've really got his number.

That stupid hawk, ne'er looking behind its back.

I think the fact that I have the intelligence of a seven-year-old child probably gives me the advantage.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I have the intelligence of an eight-year-old child, and that gets me through it.

Arnie.

Okay.

So that six-year-old.

Thank you.

Mighty bird, my name is Usidor, and we beseech thee, on behalf of mine friend Chunt, to share with us your wisdom.

We've come on a great quest to learn what you have to teach us.

Yes, and let me take a knee.

As he mentioned, my name is Chunt, and as you sort of set the table for, we should all go around and say what intelligence we have.

Oh, yeah.

I have the intelligence of probably third or fourth grader, or third or fourth year old.

Is that how you say it?

Those are true.

Not sure that's that feels, wait a minute.

How

seven-year-old is a that's seventh grade, and uh uh third, third, third, third.

Oh, hawks back, hawks back, hawks back, and hawks back.

Fuck right off.

Oh,

he's going.

He He tried to grab me.

He tried to fly off with me.

He's just showing off.

He does not have the wherewithal to fly away with the Ochan.

I mean,

he's not that big.

He's not that smart.

It's under control.

Honestly, I don't really even need to chase him away.

It's kind of a game we play.

Oh,

a bit of a will they won't they?

It's a, you know,

we have a good time up here.

Okay.

I thought there was a little tension between you two.

Interesting.

Usidor, how smart are you?

Well, let's see.

I'm 350 years old.

I'm one of the greatest wizards in all of Foon.

I'd say I'm as smart as a fifth grader.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

I mean, that's impressive.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

We're going to match wits, I guess, and see who really knows their stuff.

You know, because this is my peak, right?

This is my nest.

Yes.

You're You're kind of on my turf.

And I don't know.

Maybe your turf is sort of ubiquitous, like, you can come and go at will.

And

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

Yet to be determined.

I don't really have a home, per se.

I travel all around Foon, assisting those who I can.

I would ne'er dare to upset thine turf.

I do not wish to stake any claim here.

We simply beseech thee that you allow us to spend but a short time here in your company.

And I gotta say, I love what you've done with the nest.

I see there's like a couch made out of dead mice over here.

I love this.

It seems like a lamp made out of bones or something.

This is exquisite.

Chunt, thank you for noticing.

I have put a lot of effort into my nest.

It has, there's like a couple of different cubby holes and sort of alcoves and nooks.

As you know, I like a tool.

Like, I know how to use a tool.

My main tool is a stick.

And the great thing about a stick is it's also a building material.

It's a nesting material.

You can use a stick for a lot of things.

I mean, mostly poke, like you can poke something.

Yes, sir.

And then something.

You gotta get something to poke with.

Yeah, and then you can

pile them up and

make a couch or like a kitchen island.

It's fun and it's pretty.

I also use a stick.

It's my magical staff.

Although I haven't arranged it in such a lovely way that you have.

You sort of contest.

I know.

It's just that my staff's a little bit bigger than her sticks.

Ideally,

your stick is better than the bird sticks.

It's not cool, man.

I mean,

yo, man.

It's not cool.

See, Sioni, that's how you do it.

That's how you do it.

Okay, so wait, yo, can be good and bad, huh?

I like to use it as more of a put-down, sort of like a, you know, where you're aware that the other person's getting like a little too big for their britches.

It's a talk to the hand a little bit.

It's a stop sign.

It's sort of a status play, it seems like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, a great bird, I feel embarrassed, but I was told to search you out, but I was not told your name.

Would you mind

kind of con that at us?

I kind of like the same, you know, I do have two names.

Oh.

But I like to go by Cawthorne.

I mean, my full name is Radisson Cawthorne.

I was named after

a string of hotels, but it's

Cawthorne, you know, just like a single name.

You know, because I'm the, I'm like the, at this point, I'm sort of the most known of the magical crows up here.

And also, like, on that point, I'm not entirely a crow.

I'm a hybrid crow raven.

Wow.

So it's kind of a craven is more, I guess you would call it.

Okay.

Which is more, you know, two different kinds of magic together.

I'm not, you know, a raven's got that big, fat, almost dog-like size.

I'm not that big.

I have the delicacy of the crow, but I do have like a little more girth to me.

And that, and like my bill is, as you can see, pretty substantial.

Good bill.

I think, I feel like I want a shirt that says big, big fat dog-like size.

Big fat dog-like size.

Big fat dog-like size.

I like that.

Big fat, dog-like size.

Big, fat, dog-like size.

Open to interpretation.

Of course, we'll give you some commission if we make the shirt.

Oh, great.

Craven.

Craven.

So, Radisson Cawthorne, are you on your relation to Hojo Cawthorne?

Yes, very.

That is

my cousin.

That is my cousin.

We don't talk about him.

He's kind of gone out out of fashion.

I've heard some stories.

There were a few accidents.

He's, you know, he's doing okay.

He's doing okay now.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Oh, good.

So, and you're a hybrid bird.

I've heard that hybrid birds are so good for the environment.

The only downside is that it's kind of like the donkey situation where

we can't reproduce more cravens.

It's sort of like the buck stops here.

Oh, sure.

Don't tell the home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Donkeys can't reproduce?

Well, it's a, what am I thinking of a burrow?

It's a donkey horse hybrid.

What is that?

A Cawthorn.

I'm so sorry.

Cawthorn.

I think Chunt's upset because we don't talk about it much on the podcast, but he's been trying to impregnate a donkey for the last

year or two, like, just as a project.

I mean, I don't, obviously, I have my...

Facts kind of muddled.

I'm not really sure if a donkey can, if the donkey is a sterile one or if it produces a burrow, like how that works.

I should have read up on it.

I do have my set of encyclopedias here in my nest.

You know, I'm supposed to be not all knowing, but my knowledge is far-reaching.

But, you know, seven-year-old

child level, I mean, how much about donkeys?

It's

sterility, to be honest.

You can't expect that.

Chunt, so yeah, yeah, I think your donkey business is still fine.

Yeah, Yeah, Chunt,

you should go for it, man.

I mean, I, I, I, uh, you know, the portents say that you will be successful in your donkey endeavors.

Yo, yo, thank you, thank you both so much.

I was going to say, like, I just, I just wrote it down, and I was like, is this the saddest sentence ever written?

Donkeys can't get pregnant.

But then I ripped it up because, okay, that may not be true.

Okay, thank you.

Ooh, thank goddesses.

Chunt, do not give up on your donkey reproduction dreams.

Keep Keep muling it over.

Donkey dreams are the most important dreams.

That's another shirt.

Now, there's a lot of shirts coming out of this episode.

It's true.

Oh, ass play?

No, we'll scrap that one.

That's a different direction.

It'd be more in line with our other shirts, to be personal.

That is true.

I hate to say it, but literally, Trunt, your shirt

in the merch store right now says, ask me about my buttholes.

That can't be right.

It is.

That can't be right.

It is.

Whoa, probably sold three.

Whoa, the Craven just looked so regretful.

I do regret spawning more t-shirt suggestions.

Of course.

I thought this was going to be a different kind of

summit consultation, but, you know, it's cool.

It's cool.

Forgive us, forgive us, Great Cawthorne.

Please, we beseech this and sought out thine wisdom.

So let not our foolish revelries continue any longer, and let revelries turn to reverie.

We shall be more respectful from here on out.

What the fuck did he just say?

He talks just like a fifth grader.

Thank you.

That's like fifth grade, right?

It's more the tone I'm used to, and I appreciate it.

Believe me, I appreciate it.

I like a little, you know, a little pomp and circumstance and some genuflecting.

And yeah, I do.

That gets

the sage juices flowing.

I mean, you gotta love someone who genucks.

You gotta love some pomp.

You gotta love some circumstance.

I really love

drawing things out to make them sound more important than they are.

It's a good technique.

I've got to try

it.

You're right, it does sound

more

important

when you slow it down.

Oh, this is good.

Yes.

Let me try.

Learn.

Okay,

Chunt.

Tell me

your

deepest

thoughts and worries and concerns.

Oh, I'd love to walk away while he says these things because I'm terrified of what might come out.

Let's take a quick, let's take a quick break and hopefully not hear Chunt's innermost thought.

these are the chains i forged in life arnie what yo yo what yo what

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That Arnie will never love me, and those are my deepest fears and desires and can't remember what the other thing was.

Sorry, I was really thrown by Arnie when he said something about the chains in life or whatever.

I might be sick.

I might had like a bad bit of cheese or something.

Yeah,

the blob of mustard.

Mustard is probably I had bad mustard.

It's probably that.

Blob of mustard or cheese.

Yeah.

You there, Hawk.

What day is today?

Come on!

It is

my Tuesday!

Oh, then there's still time.

Yeah, get that hawk to buy us a turkey.

Throw the gold coin at the hawk.

Oh, I...

Oh, no.

I threw a gold coin at the hawk.

I'm going to have him buy the fattest goose.

You're going to have fat turkey?

You're going to have a hawk buy a goose?

What is this?

You know, as I'm saying it, I realize that's insane.

That's like cannibalism, probably.

Ooh, I hope that hawk is okay.

Was um can I leave.

Excuse me, I need to fly to get that coin because

I do

love a shiny thing.

I do love a shiny thing.

Of course, I do.

I mean, I love a stick, don't get me wrong, but shiny makes the world go round.

And uh, you know, I like the bower bird, I like to decorate my nest.

So, okay, I'll just uh be right.

Oh, oh, the powerful wings.

Before the Cawthorne gets back,

do you think she was hinting that she wants some sort of

a tribute or

a sacrifice?

She mentioned the coin.

I think maybe we should offer something to get the advice we're seeking.

Let's kill one of us.

What?

Let's kill one of us.

I was just gonna say I just wasn't sure what her business model is.

You're right.

Like, I hope it's not human sacrifice.

Okay, rock, paper, scissors for who gets killed.

Okay.

Three, two, one, shoot.

Ooh, my paper cuts your scissors in half, Arnie.

Of course, in Foon, paper is razor-thin.

Now, what idiot would use scissors?

Scissors always loses.

I always forget that about foon rock paper scissors.

Okay, I'm back.

I'm back.

Oh, you have a pair of scissors.

Thank you so much.

I didn't,

did he tell you that

I needed a pair of scissors?

That's really great.

This is really, this is fantastic.

Okay.

Now I'm really in the mood to dispense advice.

It worked out great.

Do you need to formulate a specific question or give me a topic?

or

oh yeah.

Just give us one second, Cothran.

Thank you so much.

Huddle up, guys.

Huddle up.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, so obviously I want to ask my question about like

you know my shapeshift giving up my shapeshifting.

But it feels like it feels like she's really thrilled about those scissors, so it seems like she's gonna be generous.

Is there something else we want to ask before my thing?

She said a topic.

Should we ask about like maybe we just ask about the animal war in general, and maybe that would like kind of segue into your shape-shifting question, and that way we kind of cover all our bases.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Yeah.

So maybe, like, what's like a fun...

Let's

just ask a fun one.

Just one for beasts.

Yeah, this one seems crazy, but like, we could ask her how she poops.

Like...

That's the kind of questions that I like to ask.

I know, honey.

I know you like to ask those sorts of questions, but I think it might be more beneficial and more fun to say, like, what's Tom Blaine Belroff been up to?

Or is Spintax dead?

Or

is Flowers still around?

Or I don't know.

Something like, do we want to, like, oh, I have something.

Oh, yeah, hippie.

Oh, great Cawthorn.

Magnificent, beautiful Cawthorn.

What's your favorite sound?

Guys, I panicked.

Well, that's

very interesting.

I feel like there's not a lot of advice in that

question.

I mean, my favorite sound, obviously, is the sound of my own call.

Oh,

would you like to hear it?

You'd like to hear it.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Melodious evil.

So I hope that answers your question, but before you continue, I have to just tell you, my

sageness, my advice, my wisdom,

there's only three pieces of advice or wisdom that I don't know how to categorize it,

that I have.

And

you'll have to choose the one that best fits your problem.

Okay, and is this in addition to, because I noticed there's a sign at the top of the mountain here that says no shirt, no shoes, no advice.

Well, let me look at your feet.

I have boots on.

I mean, mean, the sandals.

Yeah.

I mean, but you're wearing socks with them.

So, you know, that's kind of.

And they're black socks, so it's kind of formal.

Yeah.

And the string, that's sort of, you know, tank, with string tank top.

I mean, I feel like that's pushing it, but it is technical shirts.

I knew it was going to be a day out of exercise, so I wanted to be as comfortable as possible.

Also, sorry, listeners, I haven't been talking about this tank top I've been wearing.

Please feel free to do some fan art of me wearing this.

I already said it was earth climbing gear.

Yeah, and what sucks is he rode on my back the whole way, but he moved his arms as if he was sprinting so he could get his

steps my steps.

Yeah, but but Hawthorne, um, please, what are your three pieces of advice?

This is the wisdom that I've accrued over the years of being a craven:

always have a stick.

One.

That's powerful.

So does that...

I hope that applies.

Hugely helpful.

Okay.

The second one is remember every face.

Oh.

I'm so bad at that one.

I mean, to be honest, I'm not great at it either.

Oh, really?

Like, if you,

if I've met you several times and then you grow a beard,

it's off.

I mean, you're a different, that's a different face.

That's crazy.

Imagine if one of us wasn't a wizened old wizard and one of us wasn't a badger and we were just three guys with beards.

You'd be like, which one is which?

Yeah.

I imagine we would all look too much alike.

Pretty much exactly alike.

There's no way of telling.

I mean, if you, if you don't have like a big mole on your face or like a giant nose or unnaturally red lips, like I, I, you're out of luck.

I mean, I'm just gonna

just be like, hey, hey, you.

Cawthorne, are you good with names or or not even those as well?

Well, I'm not great with faces and I'm worse with names.

On balance, it's not looking too good.

But, I mean, that is my advice.

I've seen other crows really advance in their careers by remembering everybody and remembering their pets' names and, you know, little details about their...

That's not me.

Yeah.

Sadly, you know, I admire it.

Can I ask Cawthorne, and maybe this is just a natural interviewer and me coming out, but

how are you feeling in your career right now?

Like, you know, how is the giving sage advice business treating you?

Well, I'm, you know, I feel like I have everything I need.

I, you know, there's an occasional coin that people throw at the hawk and I go retrieve it.

I, you know, it's obviously stealing jewelry,

you know, shiny, just shiny things in general, keys, uh, house keys, and then, you know, later I can ransack your house if I if there's something I need, you know, like a saucepan or something.

So it's a little more elaborate than just stealing the shiny things.

Yeah, yeah, there's a method to my madness.

Sure.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, sometimes it's just flat out gold coins or rings,

my earring every now and then, but you it's hard to carry two.

So you got like one earring and then what are you going to do with that?

And then sometimes I just like get excited by, I don't know, like, I saw this marble one time.

It was really cool looking, but it's not easy to carry a marble in your beak.

But I love rocks, and marbles are just round, shiny rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Very shiny, very shiny.

Yeah.

Bright colors.

I mean, what's not to like about a marble?

But, you know, I don't know.

So, over the years, like,

I do okay.

I do okay.

I have come here on behalf of my friend Trump, and I offer you, here, which I pull from my magical hat now,

the largest marble I could possibly conjure.

Oh.

Wow.

Wow.

This is unprecedented.

Just, I don't even know what to say.

Thank you.

Will you help, my friend?

I mean, Arnie.

She clearly hates the marble, right?

Yeah, she was like, wow.

Anytime somebody gives me a gift and I go, wow.

That, that.

Also, to be clear, it's big for a marble, but the biggest one he could possibly conjure.

Cawthorne, should I just put it here on this pedestal where everyone can see it?

Uh, you know, there's a

put it in the back of the nest, back of the nest, where, well, because it's like the darkest place in the nest, and it could use brightening because it's so special and you don't want it to get ruined.

I'll go put it in the back of the nest.

Yeah, I'll be right back.

Cawthorne, uh, apologies for Isidore.

He gifts like a grandma.

Like,

I feel like every year for my birthday, it's like, I made you socks.

And I'm like, yo, sweet.

Worse socks.

It's just, it's exhausting.

I'm sorry.

It's a thought that counts.

I mean, he knew, he was on the right, like, he knew about the marble thing, which is, like, points to him.

It's a weird size, and the color is kind of like patchy.

Like, why would you want a novelty large marble?

It's not even shiny.

The one that he made wasn't even all that shiny.

I can't put it in my beak, so I, you know, it's like, I I don't want to put it on a pedestal, it's like that's just going to sit in the middle of the nest.

But, you know, look, I'm not, yeah, it's the thought that counts.

I appreciate it.

It's going to roll off a pedestal, too.

Oh, I have the best marble ever.

I left this.

This is a great marble.

Thank you.

I was talking about how great the marble is.

Oh, thank you.

I left it in the back of the nest along with some peanut brittle for everyone to enjoy.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.

And Cawthorne, expect a letter in the mail with one gold coin on your birthday as well.

Yeah.

Well, it's not even a gold coin.

It's like an IOU for a gold coin that you have to.

It's a whole.

I should also warn you that after you finish visiting with Usidor, he'll sometimes try to slip

a dollar in your pocket.

And you're like, you're like, use it, or I don't need this dollar.

But you take it anyway.

Oh, I always thought he was stealing from me.

Oh, wait, shit, maybe.

It's a little of both.

I've been slapping the shit out of Yusuf.

I don't appreciate that part of it, but sometimes I have a gold coin to give.

Sometimes I'm trying to take one because I'm desperate.

Leave a gold, take a gold.

Exactly.

That's my whole philosophy.

But we're not here to hear my philosophy.

We're here to hear the mighty Cawthorne's advice.

Yeah, Yusidor?

Yeah.

It feels like what you were trying to say is it's not about you, and I could not agree more.

Do you think I was trying to make it about me?

Well, I noticed when you came in from the back part of the nest, I see you've changed into golden robes, and I've never seen you wear golden robes.

It just feels like.

Yeah, I was wondering what the golden robes were signifying.

Oh, well, it's just like we were talking about shiny things, and I was like, maybe I'll shake yo, maybe I'll show off my golden robes.

The old razzle dazzle.

Yeah, okay.

That works.

That works for me.

And I should say there's about, I want to say, 65, 70 birds all in the air, staring at you, waiting to pounce.

I think the respect for Hawthorne is probably keeping them at bay, but they definitely want to grab you.

Yeah,

there's a row of crow friends that don't.

A murderer's row?

We have our first murderer's row.

Listeners, at home, I bet you are all, you had a pool to see what the runtime was before someone said murder of crows.

You made it about

32 minutes?

Yeah, I think that was not too bad.

Cawthorne,

unless I am

forgetting, you said there were three main pieces of advice, and you gave us two.

You said, always carry a stick, never forget a face.

Was there a third one?

I have one more.

I have one more.

I hope this pertains to your situation and it's helpful in some way.

I feel like it might help if I said it slowly.

Oh, okay.

My favorite.

Okay.

Always

hold

a grudge.

Oh.

Wow.

I mean, that's pretty good.

That's kind of our thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It works for us.

It works for us.

If somebody,

you know, tries to feed me a mealworm or not, I mean, never mind.

Because I do like mealworms, but if they're like, just leave out sort of bird seed, like, look, I'm not a robin.

I'm not like a wren.

Don't give me a bird seed.

Ridiculous.

Then I'll remember you.

I'll remember your territory.

I'll remember your, you know, where your hut is.

And

you're going to get swarmed by crows.

We're going to mess things up.

Maybe just once.

Like,

we're not out of control.

But we'll keep it in mind.

We'll remember.

Cawthorne, can I ask, do you have any particular enemies in the area?

Like, obviously, the hawk and you had a kind of on-again, off-again thing going, but are there any, like,

people or animals around here that you're just like, oh, I hate them?

Look, if I'm being honest,

I'm just kind of a grumpy, spiteful person

or a Corvid.

Like it, it,

they're fine.

They get on my last nerve, but they're not really,

it's not, nobody's doing anything really terrible.

I just,

you know, I just don't want to see that dumb hawk flying around.

He's trying to, he's always trying to eat like a little bird.

Leave a little bird alone.

If you're a big bird, don't eat your own kind.

Yeah,

eat up.

That's what I always say.

Don't eat down.

Eat up.

Eat up.

Eat up.

Focus on sort of a vermin territory, you know, class of a rat.

Like, if there's a rat, sure.

Yeah.

Take it.

But don't go for a goldfinch.

Yeah.

That just gets on my nerves, that's all.

But you know, the problem is me.

I acknowledge the problem.

It's not the animal kingdom.

Dudes are just doing what they do.

You're allowed your own thoughts and feelings.

I don't think the problem is you.

Think set up.

Start Hawk coming over here and giving you a hard time.

Trying to steal my eggs.

Oh, it wants your eggs?

Well, I had some eggs.

Yeah,

there was an altercation.

I'm not going to lie.

There was an altercation.

He's like, just give me one egg.

No, I'm not giving you an egg.

Yeah.

You got because you're too lazy to fly down the mountain.

He just wants to travel like one peak over because I have eggs.

No.

That's not happening.

Unbelievable.

By the way, they weren't my eggs.

I was keeping them for somebody else because I'm sterile, as we've discussed before.

Sure, sure.

You're an empty nester, General.

Are they donkey eggs?

They are.

They are donkey.

It's a donkey crow hybrid.

Mostly when they come out, they look like donkeys.

They don't, like, there's not much crow in them.

In fact, I'm not sure there's any crow.

Yeah, wow.

But they're donkey eggs.

Can I suggest we spend at least a little bit of time figuring out what the exact name of a donkey crow hybrid would be?

Is it a doe?

Cronky?

Croaky?

I love crunky.

Cronky's better than croaky, yeah.

I love crunky.

The crunchy.

Oh, I like that a lot.

Yeah.

That's and I have to imagine that if you're was that enough time, Arnie?

That was enough.

Sometimes you just nail it with the second one.

I know you're trying to just eat up some time here.

Oh, well, speaking of, we should take another break and we'll come back with hopefully a bit more advice.

Get out of here, Hawk.

Ooh, um, oh, I feel like I've asked so many.

Uh, ooh, uh, well, let me do two more.

Um, what's it, what's a, what's a question you always wish you had been asked?

Ooh, that's good.

Oh, that's a great question.

And guys, sorry, I asked so many questions during the break.

And so many of them were about you.

That's the thing.

Well, I think that

no one ever asks about my the time I spend in cemeteries.

Do you go to cemetery school?

Oh, she looks mad.

I,

you know, one of the things that me and my crow friends really like to do is congregate in cemeteries that freak people out because, like, we provide so much atmosphere, and then people are like, oh, that must just be a coincidence.

Like, no, it's a graveyard.

What do you think?

Why else would we be here?

We're trying to give you

atmosphere.

We're trying to make it spooky.

We're trying to make it creepy.

Oh, and here's another fact that you didn't know.

There is a breed of raven

that really does just say nevermore.

Like that's, it's kind of like passed down, you know, like how

sometimes like a mockingbird will make a sound of a car alarm.

There was this through the ages,

Edgar Allan Poe had a raven, taught it to say nevermore, and then its progeny just kept saying nevermore.

So you will see ravens in the wild that just go, nevermore.

It's a real thing.

That's incredible.

Now, to your point.

If people take issue with ravens and crows and cravens, such as yourself, spending time in a cemetery, I would make a point to them.

Imagine the cemetery was full of parrots.

Is that spooky?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Or like egrets.

Right.

Like, you don't want a long-legged wading bird in a cemetery.

That's just...

Ridiculous.

It's not going to.

It's going to not give you the shivers and keep you up at night.

Arnie,

I've had a few.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

And I think, Cawthorne, I think it's,

yo, I think it's pretty cool to be in a cemetery.

I mean,

you know, sometimes you go to a cemetery and you see those gross moths.

Let's take a minute to figure out what a combination of a gross moth would be.

Hmm.

A moth?

A moth?

Like a gross groth.

Oh, a groth.

A groth?

Okay, yeah.

Those groths.

Like a teen?

Like a Groth teen?

Yeah, the Gross Moths, you know, like, they wear eyeliner all in black.

They love all those heated topics that everyone's always talking about.

All those hot topics.

Gad, Zooks, they're everywhere.

But these gross moths, or Groths, I guess I'll call them.

You know, sometimes when they're at the cemetery, I get a little ooped out where I'm like, what are they doing?

Are they like summoning demons or something?

Yeah.

Sometimes they are.

They also hang out with

demons.

Hang on, Ani.

Hang on.

If they're summoning demons from the pits of hell, it's my job to slay demons.

Don't say that that's all right.

Arnie, sorry, go ahead.

That just made me so angry.

I was just going to say that the gross moths are often hanging out with emus.

Listening to emu music.

It probably wasn't worth it, but.

Worth what, Arnie.

You know, Cawthorne, I have a question about when you hang out in cemeteries.

And I apologize if this is too personal.

Are you eating corpses?

Like, if you come across a corpse, like, do you eat some of it?

What am I, a turkey buzzard?

I'm not eating a corpse.

What are you talking about?

No.

Not even like a nibble?

No,

I'm eating like normal stuff.

Insects.

Spaghetti.

I like a grain and a nut.

Give me a peanut.

I'm your friend for life.

Of course, Cawthorne.

We're so sorry.

What you don't understand about Arnie is he's from another world.

Yeah.

And on his world, things are crazy.

They build buildings straight up into the sky, and they have, instead of horses, they put wheels on top of oil machines.

It's crazy over there.

Yeah, it is a little crazy.

But interesting.

This doesn't sound good.

I don't like it.

It's not great.

From the emails I've been getting, it's getting worse every day where I'm from.

Before we go on,

I just

want to.

I noticed you're looking at my hookah.

I just need to take a couple of hits because it's been a while.

Sure.

Are you interested?

It's like kind of a blackberry flavor,

but it's nice.

It's like a mellow, you know, the watermellows it out.

I don't know if you've ever.

Anyway.

Yeah, that's good.

If you don't mind sharing, I would pop.

Oh, please, please.

Whoa, you search really powerful things here.

Hold on, oh boy.

Oh boy.

This is powerful, magical.

Okay, he's clearly

falling down a cayhole.

Didn't think, I thought it was only nicotine, but I guess I don't know.

You know, different things hit people differently.

Yeah, why did his voice do the falling off a mountain sound, but he's just right here?

Well, did he float back up?

He floated back up.

He was.

He held up a sign that that said, Yelp or yikes or something.

Ooh, let me take a...

Who

are.

It tastes good, right?

You, yeah.

Oh, sorry, Arnie.

Like a fruity berry mix.

Delicious.

Sorry, Arnie.

I didn't.

I forgot rule number two.

I forgot your face.

Sorry, I asked who you are.

That's Arnie.

That's Arnie, you want to.

Sure, I'll do it.

I've done this before, but just a normal question.

Like, where do I put my mouth?

Arnie.

I just wouldn't hate.

Do I put my mouth on this part?

Hey, Arnie, between the bills.

Is this what your future lover said to you?

Yo.

Yes, that's right.

The crow just did a, that's what she said to him.

Said your future lover.

Well, Cawthor and I, the hookah's sort of helped relax me, and I feel like

I'm ready to ask the big one,

major question I came here for.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

It was recently asked of me, not too long ago, that I give up my abilities.

I have some special abilities and

I was asked to sort of give them up, to shed them for the greater good.

And I wanted to ask you if I should go ahead and do that.

Well this is this is very difficult.

I mean this sounds like a very painful decision.

And

I would say, before you

make the choice, ask yourself, what would I want to do if I didn't have to worry about how anyone else would be affected?

And I feel like that should then lead you to make the right decision.

Wow.

That's per that's.

Because what I get from you is that there's a lot that you, you, you, somebody asks something from you,

you immediately think, how can I make that happen for them?

And you don't think about the impact that it's going to have on you.

100%.

That's what I need to hear.

Think.

Let me dig in my.

Here,

I have one peanut left.

I just want to leave that with you as a thing.

Sean, that is such a nice gesture.

Thank you so much.

And in return, I have two things for you.

I have this stick, which is one of my favorite sticks.

It can be used as a pokey thing or a building material, a nesting material.

Other uses, I'm sure.

As a third-grade level intelligence, you could think of better ways to utilize it.

But I would also like to give you this feather from my wing.

It's a really robust feather and it has magical powers.

Tuck it into your shirt.

The shirt you wore with a collar, unlike some people who wore a string vest?

Well, I normally don't wear much clothing, but I knew today we were having a very special guest, so I wanted to dress the part Arnie, I guess.

I wanted to dress up.

Yeah, like the sort of badger-sized, it's almost like a tux, like a little mini short-sleeve tux.

I really like it.

I haven't seen anything like it, but I really appreciated you dressing up for this occasion.

And I love the turquoise cumberbund that you wore with it.

Thank you so much.

And again, Cawthorne, I can't apologize enough for how Ernie's dressed.

I feel like it's hyper-disrespectful.

I think he was thinking about

how hot and sweaty he was going to get and not thinking about where he was going.

Yeah, that's true.

Arnie,

this is your journey.

You have to think about where you are headed towards as opposed to where you are right now.

Wow.

Arnie, you dressed so poorly, you got unsolicited wisdom.

Yeah, but you know what?

It really resonates with me.

I do have a tendency to focus on what's going to make me most comfortable in the moment, but I don't put enough thought into where am I going?

I mean, this podcast has been going on for 10 years and several months.

Where are we going?

Where am I going?

We don't need to solve that right now.

I don't need to make this episode about me.

We don't need to dig into those questions right now.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, well, Chant, you've been given a wonderful magical gift, this gift from this craven, the wonderful Radisson Cawthorne.

And I

beg your forgiveness for our insolence and thank thee one more time.

Oh, he's angling for a gift.

Gramacies to you, great Cawthorne.

I hope that your days are well and your nights are plentiful.

He's really angling for a gift.

So, So we shall be on our way unless there's

anything

fine.

Here's a coin and an old key.

Oh,

an old key.

The number one thing you don't want to hear before you're given a gift is fine.

I shall cherish these always.

Wow, Cawthorne, thank you so much.

It's been my pleasure.

Thank you for, first of all, schooling me in the art of slowing down

to sound more

pretentious.

I appreciate it.

This is a lesson that I won't soon forget.

I've learned a lot from you three.

It was a

pleasure.

Oh boy.

It's really milking it.

John, how are you doing, buddy?

Did you get what you needed from coming up here?

I know this is kind of a big day for you.

Yeah, as soon as I got the advice, it was just like a candle went on in my head, and I knew exactly exactly what I needed to do.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

But don't tell don't tell us what that is until next week's episode.

Yeah.

Well, follow me.

It's this way down the mountain.

Just follow this path.

All you have to do is follow that marble rolling down the hill.

Oh, look, it's going so fast.

Sort of a pastel, sort of a pastel color marble, not very shy.

Same one.

Let's follow it anyway.

Oh, guys, turn around.

It looks like Cawthorne and that Hawker making out pretty heavily.

Ooh, they're taking little make-out breaks to point at Usidor and laugh.

Is that a laugh?

I can't tell.

The birds love me, chant.

I'm not great at reading beaks, but it seems like they're just both saying yo to each other a lot.

Arnie, Arnie, look what I put under my shirt.

I took it on the donkey eggs.

Run, run, run, run, crunkies.

Run!

I'm going to admit, feeling some jealousy over characters who have the option to run away from all this.

Use It or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Badger was played by Adol Raffai.

Radisson Cawthorne, the magical craven, was played by inexplicably high-profile guest Amy Mann.

Amy is on tour all of June to support the 20th anniversary vinyl release of her record Lost in Space.

Visit AmyMann.com for tour dates and more info on her sublime music.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month, even though some of them are about the number of tabs you have open on your browser.

And, as I was forced to mention earlier, you get access to live show ticket sales.

In fact, Patreon supporters are buying tickets to see those live shows right now.

To learn more, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

The new Ryan DeGiorgi of providing a service no one can quantify.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.