Season 5, Ep 56 - Prison Soulwalker (w/ Ross Bryant)

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Did the framing device anger someone, you shouldn't wonder?

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Were people afraid?

Afraid of one hero overshadowing the rest of a show that is kinda shadowy to begin with.

Regardless, put those thoughts aside.

I certainly have, knowing that someday, various services and products can be described with the kind of vocal finesse that has Juilliard saying, Keep calling, we promise you're still on the wait list.

Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

Now in our 11th year.

Now in prison.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Topless Tower, a maximum security prison for villains run by wizards in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-hosts, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Bing Bong, Arnie, I have amazing news.

Sure, what is it?

You remember last week I was talking to you about the

conjugal visit room, the sort of cave where one of the guards will like create these visages that will then have sex with each other and you can watch?

Mm-hmm.

Turns out that wasn't the conjugal visit room.

That was the conjurical visit room.

Oh, the conjurical visit room.

Yeah.

Yes.

Rolls off the tongue.

That's the slogan of the conjurical visit room, right?

You really have to slow down to say it.

Conjugacle.

Conjurical visit room.

But Arnie, that means I found the actual conjugal visit room

where one of the guards will create a replication of yourself.

And then they leave the room and you can go at it.

But you can only fuck yourself?

But it was amazing.

Artie, you simply must try.

You simply must.

I simply must.

You simply must.

I'll think about it.

Arnie, the clone knows everything you like, because they're you.

That's a problem.

I don't know what I like.

Although I don't know what they do with that clone afterwards.

Hopefully sort of melt it down or something.

Chunt, can I say something?

Hmm?

Yeah, of course.

I think you could do better.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Wait a minute.

This is sort of a...

Also, Chunt, I hope this isn't like a freaky thing to think about, but are you sure you're the chunt that went in there and not the clone?

Well, okay, let's see.

We started off 69ing, of course.

Then we went into a 180.

We pressed buttholes together.

Yeah.

Then I slipped under, he went over, then I went over, he went under.

Back, fourth, side, side, under the nutshells.

Follow the queen, follow the queen, follow the queen.

Did you do a 138, the double 69?

Oh, we did do a 138, double 69.

Very hard to pull off.

Let's see.

Arnie, I'd say I'm 68% sure that I'm

the chunt that walked in there.

Almost nice.

Mm-hmm.

You sorry, have you been?

Did you go?

Have you been?

Oh, no, I

would ne'er.

Uh, I personally find uh that I must stay chased in order to fully commit myself to my quest to defeat evil in all its forms.

Huh.

But you you've never been chased.

I think the ten years I've known you.

I'm just I'm trying it out just because I'm not getting a lot of action, so now I'm I'm gonna tell people I'm being chased.

You know, it's some paladin shit I'm trying out.

Husor of the blue balls.

Am I right, Arnie?

Punch it in.

Arnie, punch it in.

Alright, I'm punching it in.

Yes.

Anyway, I'm joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakas.

The Elves know me as Fierangalak, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hook Stanges.

And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Mae Star.

And no one was more surprised than me to not want to do a standing ovation.

Yeah.

You two were very skeptical, and I'm like, like, no, we can just pretend like we're doing a standing ovation and then we'll all escape.

But then I was like, I just didn't feel it.

Yeah.

It was, look, and let's be clear.

Last week, Benedict Whisper Roo's one-man play or one bird play was good.

It wasn't bad.

Hector hums the hits.

Hector hums the hits.

And part of his plan for escape meant we needed to give him a standing ovation.

And we just couldn't get there.

Couldn't bring myself to it.

Yeah.

So just had to like, I clapped.

I clapped loud.

Yeah.

But then I think Benedict escaped or died in that tunnel who knows i think i think he died in there you think he died in there i sort of think he died i don't have any proof so if seven or eight years from now if we have him back on he's not dead then that's why that's how we'll know yeah I thought he was great in the first act.

I thought it was sort of diminishing returns.

I gave him a squatting ovation just because I wanted to, you know, let my physicality represent how I felt about it.

Yeah.

But I, what a, he's very talented.

He's very talented.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean I did a kind of woo!

And I if I'm being honest, even that felt like a stretch, a little like oh, I was horribly embarrassed.

I was um mortified, Arnie.

Uh uh woo is maybe something you do at a mittens game if you're blackout drunk, but at the theater, Arnie, at the theater?

How do you show your appreciation short of a standing ovation?

Mm-hmm.

Sort of that.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, it's sort of like a quiet, oh, yes,

sort of appreciative.

The one exception to that is, if someone gives a particularly good soliloquy, you can go, uh, that's a spicy meatball.

But it has to be a particularly good soliloquy.

Particularly good.

Here, sir, keep following me.

Okay.

Um, this is the sort of corridor where I found the confidential visit room somewhere around here.

Well, uh, this is good, though.

Uh, maybe if we can create some duplicates of ourselves not to have sex with, but to help us escape.

Maybe that we've got to get out of here.

I feel like we've done that storyline already.

Literally, last that's how we escaped prison the last time.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Like, exactly.

That's how we escaped things last time.

Arnie, that's the first time.

I swear.

I swear.

Last time we made copies of ourselves.

That is 100% how we escaped prison last time.

I wouldn't trust you, but I told myself I would never trust a Woo guy.

And Arnie, buddy, you are a Woo Guy.

You're a Woo Guy.

A Woo Guy.

A Woo guy.

Oh, wait, maybe this.

Hold on.

Maybe this guy knows where the...

Excuse me.

Do you know where the conjugal visit room is?

Ooh, maybe I caught him in the middle of a

cold in here all of a sudden.

So cold in here.

Whale, whale, whale.

What the fuck?

Who's that tugging on my duster sleeve?

I would know that sound of jangling spurs anywhere.

Why are there so many Tumboweeds in here all of a sudden?

Here's a living breathe.

It's the Soul Walker from the cowboy world.

It's...

What was his name again?

Soul Walker, Hexis Ranger.

Oh, at your dang old service.

Well,

look who I done come face to face with.

Man-oh-man-oh, with.

The little vermit what goes by the name of Chunt.

You see Door the Blue.

And my quarry hisself,

Arnie Nika.

That's right.

What brings y'all down to the hall of Conjure Gull Visit Caves?

He said it so much better than I did.

It's sort of easier to say with a troll, I think.

Must be nice.

Now, listen to me, foul spirit.

Know this.

If you raise one finger against mine good friend, Arnold Neecap,

I shall most certainly fight thee to the death, caring not if I am exposed here as a wizard in this prison of villainy.

User, calm down.

All he did was ask us a question.

What are we doing down?

Oh, sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

The last time we met you, weren't you determined to do exactly what we have just claimed we were going to do?

Yeah, wait a minute.

What a hypocrite.

What are you talking about?

Y'all are talking about going to these conjugal visit caves, making perfect replicas of yourselves and having relations.

Whereas I, if memory serves, jump to different planes of reality where I seek out my sort of analogous self on that plane and then have moments of pure ecstatic intimacy with those doubles.

Not clones, but alternate reality versions of myself.

As someone from another world, I've got to say, I do see the distinction.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry to disagree with you.

It's a fair point.

I cop to it all.

As Arnie has said before,

ours goes dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and his goes dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

It's an altogether different totally different song.

So stop, collaborate, and listen to what I'm saying here and putting down.

Look, it's completely different to have intimacies with an extra planar self than it is to

have relations with a clone of yourself.

I mean, that's just sick and twisted.

Come on now.

Not to mention, if I were to do such a thing,

being as there are so many of us here, if there were to be doubles upon

the legions of us that are currently occupying the topless tower, I don't know if the threads of reality could hold.

Oh, you are a legion?

We are Legion, for we are many.

Not only because, um, not to get too deep into my own lore, but I am full.

We leave a lot of space here for people getting deep in their own lore.

We like.

I've seen you get pretty fucking deep in your lore, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, well, let me just get elbow deep in my lore here.

Yeah, that I'm full of the souls that I have claimed.

Damned and horrific souls that have sworn frontier death pacts in the cowboy world and wound up inside the shambling husk that is myself.

I contain multitudes, so if I was to clone myself,

who don't

hey, hey, uh, sorry, I just want to second.

Hey, Arnie Usidor, yeah, yeah, am I crazy?

Yes, well, thank you, or do I want to buy like a book of poetry by a Soul Walker Hexus Ranger, right?

Sounds that would be very good, yeah.

Just a way- he just has a way with work.

He is very poetic.

Yeah, shambling husk.

Uh, uh, Soul Walker Hexas Ranger, do you do you write?

One finds time for a lot of hobbies when you're locked away in the jug, as I am now.

Finding myself in the clink,

one has to find ways of occupying your hours, even if you're a deathless,

deathless homunculus as I am.

So, yeah, I'll put pen to paper every now and then and pin a few

homespun verses.

Oh, uh, what, uh, what got you in here?

What got me in here was breaking the laws of extra planar judiciary.

I suppose the

wizards what run this little bailiwick didn't sew much cotton to a extra planar entity such as myself and my soul walking kin in your neck of the woods, and so they done thrown us in here.

But it's good to be here in numbers, because the most important thing when you find yourself incarcerated as we are now is to to run with

an organization, a gang of desperados, if you will.

And we, Soul Walkers, is sticking together.

So, not sure if I'm following you completely.

It's a little difficult because, now, as I understand it,

he's his own prison gang.

What are you not following?

It's quite simple, really.

Are you saying that you yourself, because you are a collection of souls within you of all that you have died, that's your gang, or you have a gang outside of yourself.

Yes, I understand that this is all quite hard to parse, as we are technically an entity comprised of many discrete souls.

So I am a gang of one, as twer.

But yes, there are other walkers, other

walkers of souls, combined gestalt entities of deathless spirit from other planes of existence that have found their way to Thun.

And all of them are currently locked up in the dying old topless tower as well.

Well, I think, honestly, it's the first thing that's made sense here to me, though I find myself at odds with the wizards on most topics these days.

Yeah, how do you come to find yourself locked up in here, you bearded blue bastard?

Ain't these wizards kinfolkier?

Well, they were, but then I committed an act which caused them all to become mortal.

It turns out stripping them of their immortality has, uh, well, to be perfectly blunt about it, uh, raised their ire, and now they seek my destruction as much as they seek yours.

But I am not an evil entity as yourself.

Evil.

Well, evil is as evil does, I suppose.

I am beyond good and evil, beyond the petty cares of morality.

I follow.

That's something an evil person would say.

Right?

Really?

Like, I'm beyond morality?

I don't know.

That seems like an evil person thing.

Look, maybe, maybe to you, there might be some just transcendent form of good.

Maybe when you go into the conjurgel cave and you see the pornographic shadow plays on the wall, that's simply an emblem of how, if you turned around, you could see an actual erotic act taking place behind you.

This allegory of the conjural cave, you see, might lead one to believe that there is a transcendent realm where concepts such as good, evil, and such like dwell outside of tactile experience.

But I don't believe in such stuff.

The metaphysics of this episode have begun to make my brain swirl.

Well, let me bring things down to brass tacks.

All right.

Or knee-kni camp.

That's me.

You're right here.

And I find myself locked up.

Seems to me there's only one way that I can fetch myself up out of this here foon.

And that's if I do what I done come here for.

And that's calling you out.

Plugging you and sending you back to your maker.

You, sir, I just want to apologize earlier when I was like, hey, he's just asking a question.

I'm sorry, he definitely wants to kill Hardy.

Yeah, I figured as much.

So what he does.

Well, so do we all.

Oh, what's this?

Another soul talker?

Yes, forgive me.

Let me just park my penny farthing bicycle.

Yes, hello.

Hello, Ah, Nini Kemp.

Looks so stupid with the big wheel and the small wheel.

It's not so stupid at all.

It's the most perfect and well-designed way to get around.

Terrestrially, if you want to go through the air, I prefer the Zeppelin.

Yes, hello, Ah, Ni Nikamp.

Perhaps you remember me?

I am, of course, the peripatetic spirit.

Yeah, this fella right here is the soul walker.

What comes from the steampunk world?

Put your velocipede aside, friend, and tell me your purpose here.

If you'll allow me to remove my goggles, covered with gears and cogs.

So many gears and cogs.

Makes no sense.

They're not turning.

What do they even do?

They're just on there.

Oh, everyone's a critic, apparently.

They all serve a purpose.

All these cogs and flywheels on my flat cap and my goggles and my cravat are all all keeping the souls tenderly within my corpus.

Yes, I've already killed the Arni-Ni-Camp in my reality.

But if we kill you, then perhaps all of us will go back from whence we came, wafting back to our homeworlds as if on jets of wonderful steam.

Sorry, I just thought about a steampunk Arnie.

Yes, imagine the saddest Charles Dickens character you can imagine, just chugging along.

Well then, friend, know this.

You face Yusudor the Blue, and I shall protect Arnie to the fiercest end.

Do you really think you've got what it takes to do that, Netrunner?

What?

Oh, behind you.

Used or behind you.

I might just be a hologram, but I'm more than enough of a match for you.

Another Soul Walker, but a hologram, Soul Walker?

I am a Soul Walker, but the O in Soul Walker is a zero, and the E's a three.

Come on,

no.

Oh no.

No.

That's right.

You must be a pretty keen console cowboy here in Foon, but I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire.

But all those moments will be lost, like tears in the rain when I'm done with you.

Feels like he improvised that.

Was that uh right off the top of the dome, maybe?

I guess so.

Hey, Ani, you've you've got to hack this guy.

Use your computer and- I gotta hack him?

Yeah, you have to hack him.

That's a thing you- that's a you thing.

I've gotta soul hack him?

Don't even try checking into my mainframe flushbag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, nobody's gonna check your frame or whatever.

The conjugacle visit room's over there, buddy.

Whoa, all right.

Look, if there's one thing I know about soul walkers, they're dangerous.

If there's two things I know about soul walkers, they won't kill you during a break.

We'll be right back.

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You sword, Chunt.

We are surrounded by soul walkers from different dimensions.

All of them want to kill me.

Arnie, it's more dangerous than that even.

They have killed you.

They've killed you on their own world and then they've traveled to other worlds to find other versions of you.

They're finishing the job.

You are the most important person in the entire universe.

Of course.

That makes sense.

Arnie.

Right?

I mean, Chuck, back me up here.

That sounds right, doesn't it?

I already regret saying it.

I would say, and I want your guys' input, I would say like Blade to My Neck.

Maybe my favorite is Soul Walker.

It's like the little kid Soul Walker.

Like, it's, I don't know if he's like family-friendly.

I haven't heard him curse or anything.

That's true.

We haven't given enough time to Soul Waka.

We should interview Soul Walker.

You said Blade to Your Neck, and So Waka has a blade to your neck right now.

Sowy, you can't believe you.

Now, Soul Waka,

tell me, explain to me again from what world you came from.

I'm from the children's entertainment dimension.

It's like where there's a kid version of everyone else.

Yeah, everyone in my dimension is sort of cheeky style.

That sounds pretty great, actually.

Yeah, it does, actually.

I'm sorry, honey,

but we have to destroy you.

It's the only way we can get back to our fairies homeworlds.

But at least if I do it, I'll do it with the power of friendship.

Oh.

Well, here's the thing I don't understand.

How is killing me gonna get you back to your worlds?

You are all displaced from your own worlds.

You've all killed the me's from your worlds.

What is killing me again gonna do for you?

Does only one of them get to do it, or do they all get to disappear?

Uh, yeah, that's a good question.

Whoever done does the job finds himself slung back through the portal that opens.

The deed, once finished, goes back from whence they come.

But if all of us kill you together, sort of some terrible melee, where we can all, in a way, take credit for snuffing out the embryo your life Arnie camp, then maybe, just maybe, we can find ourselves sent back to our various home dimensions.

At least that's the theory that I'm cooking up on the fly here.

So, you're all gonna collectively murder on the Orient Express, me, like, all kill me at the same time, and hope that it flings you all back home?

Yes, that's right.

As if on the Orient Express, a beautiful steel-powered train.

Why are there gears on your shoelaces?

Doesn't make sense.

They serve a purpose, you sador.

What?

What is the purpose?

Keeping the shoelaces up.

It keeps them up.

Also, if you're using so much steam, why do you wear leather?

That makes no sense.

Wouldn't the leather get ruined?

I'm not going to lie, it does shrink quite a bit.

We can tell.

Like, your pants are not long enough.

They were, they were when I first made them.

Over the years and their exposure to steam, they've turned into sort of capri pants.

But I find that very few people

look that far down on my body.

They're mostly just distracted by my enormous handle-power mustache.

A couple of gears in there as well.

He's also got sort of like, I guess like a mechanical dog sidekick or something.

I hate that thing.

Whatever it is, I hate it.

Probably got some dumb name.

It's like, I don't know, not sparky, but something dub.

Yes, Chunsey.

What that's Chunk?

This is Chunsey, my steam-powered cog dog.

Damn it, I already said I hate the name, probably.

Shit.

I mean, for once, I agree with you.

Yes, I have to feed him a bowl of coal every day to keep him running.

I'll give you two guesses as to where the steam comes out of.

Buttholes.

Yes, yes.

Two buttholes, probably.

Yes, just so.

That brings up an excellent point.

Now, various soul walkers, I just...

Have you encountered many other chunts and usidors on your worlds?

That's right, you blue fleshbag.

There's an analogous Usidor and Chunt in every version of reality.

Wow

Chunt, can you imagine if we could harness the power of those other chunts and usidors?

The things we could accomplish.

Well, I imagine they're all dead along with me.

No, well, uh, no, they usually sell out the RNA pretty quick.

What?

Oh, fuck, that's right.

I forgot.

Most often, they'll lead me to him.

Not a great look.

It doesn't look great on us.

Phil Noir Chunt paid me two bits to kill you, isn't that?

Reality?

Not everything is so black and white.

Oh, you sir,

Scoochie, between sorry, excuse me, sorry, excuse me, sorry, sorry, so Waka.

Excuse me.

Good man is on employment.

Thank you.

To you as well.

You will have to get through the two of us to get to Arnie.

And actually, if you want to fight us, why don't we

shouldn't make a mess out here in the hallway?

Why don't we go into this room right here?

Guys, follow my lead.

Oh, sure.

Yes, follow us.

It's the only chance you'll have to to get Ani.

You have to come through the two of us.

Uh, just follow us as we slowly back into this room.

Yes, and just because we're slowly saying these things doesn't mean that we have any ulterior motives.

Arnie, what are you doing?

I don't know.

I don't understand the plan, honestly, anyway.

We go into the room, we make clones of ourselves.

Obviously, if there's time, we fuck them.

Yeah, but we use those clones to fight the soul walkers.

It's not a bad plan, Arnie.

I we need some support here.

Okay.

And here.

And here.

And over there.

You could use some support right if you like had a garment that like gave you a little more support right here too, that would be nice.

Sure.

There's no support here in the topless tower.

None of that kind of support.

You just keep on backing up.

There ain't no escape from us or Needy Kim.

Oh, it's about to be all Julius Caesar up in here.

Oh, we're gonna

wait.

Before you all try to kill me, keep in mind, I die easy.

And you think that you might collectively be able to get a little bit of killing for all of you, but probably the first one of you that tries to kill me is the only one that's gonna succeed.

And then the rest of you are gonna be trapped.

Oh, good point.

Yes, suppose he's right.

Let's everyone aim for non-vital parts of the body and make this as long and painful as possible.

Chant, chant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do we activate your plan?

Like, how do we make copies of ourselves?

Yeah, there's a

guard that's sort of a floating orb around you.

Oh, there he is.

Okay, so you gotta go up to the guard that's a floating orb in the wall.

You put your hand on the orb and you say, copies, copies, copies.

Yeah, baby, fuck me.

Okay, here we go.

Big ball.

Well,

well,

well.

It's been a long time.

Ah, Ni

Ni Cam.

Whoa, it's...

Is it the original Soul Walker?

Yes.

Original to you, I suppose.

I've come to learn that there are many originals

across the multiverse.

We, the Soul Walkers.

Oh, we've had a time here on the topless tower, confined together, exploring the limits of pain, pleasure, and each other's bodies.

Gross.

Alright, Soul Walkers.

You may be numerous, but within you, there are even greater numbers, indeed, yes?

Yes.

But many of those,

since you entrap those that you kill, aren't you also Arni?

So, if you kill Anies, aren't there many Arnies inside of you?

Well,

so there ain't no I killed my cowboy world's Arnie camp, so yeah, there's a there's an Arnie in me and in me, and as an Arnie and me, I killed him.

Aww, you killed me.

Let's forgive him.

Let's forgive that one.

I'm sorry, I'm bad, and I chacked into Arnie's mainframe.

Ugh, don't say it like that.

Here, I present a wall.

A wall unbreakable by any possessed by Ani knee camp.

Achakathatha Conchalatha.

Try to step through here now.

Okay, quick.

While they're held out, I guess, John, we should try to do your plan and make a bunch of copies of ourselves, and then we can mix around and they won't know which one is which.

Way ahead of you, buddy.

Fuck.

I didn't look over.

You just fuck.

Okay.

I put my hand on this wall.

Mm-hmm.

Copies, copies, copies.

Copies, copies, copies, copies.

Yeah, baby, fuck me.

Fuck me, fuck me.

Hey, I'm me.

Now in the prison,

hey, fuck me.

Hey, baby, fuck me, baby.

Hey, I'm Arnie.

Fuck me.

Hey, hey, baby, fuck me, baby.

Hey, I'm Arnie.

Fuck me.

I don't like this guy.

All right, now we just got to make sure that they don't know which one is us and which one is the copy.

Fuck me.

I think we can make this pretty interesting.

Fuck me, baby.

Yeah, baby.

Fuck me.

Okay, yeah.

But which one's the real chunt?

Ask me a question that only I would know the answer to.

And ask me to fuck me.

Quickly,

they're trying to push through the wall I've erected.

You have.

Yes, you forget, Yuxidor,

the blue fool.

That there is yet one Soul Walker who has never claimed the prize of our Nikams.

This war cannot keep me out.

Now, I merely must discern which of you Arnies is the real one.

Fuck me.

God is that they're identical.

Oh no, he's walking towards real Arnie.

Fuck me.

Turn about fair play.

Ah, knee, knee, can't hold.

This can't be good.

There are already so many souls inside that one soul walker.

Is it copying all of it?

Copies.

Copies.

Oh, no.

Wait, wait, no.

Soul Walker.

No.

Copies.

We can't go.

Can't go.

Holy shit.

Oh, what?

This is...

The fidelity is getting really fucked up.

No!

It's just a mound of soul walk.

Oh!

Oh!

No, it's too many.

It's too much.

This might punch a hole in the very fabric of reality.

Oh, it's

sort of making the whole topless tower shit.

What have you done?

How could you bring the soul walkers in here?

What a foolish ruse.

You fools.

You damn fools.

The prophecy.

It's the prophecy, the three fools.

That's right, the three fools, the cataclysm.

It was us.

But we've caused the cataclysm.

Just run and try to find a place that's away from the soul walkers.

Come on, guys.

Isn't this the one with the trapdoors?

Fuck me, fuck me.

No, not fuck me.

I'm riding away from them.

Those three chunks are doing a 207.

Okay, okay.

Look, we lost some of us, but I have you, Usidor.

Are you feeling okay?

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

Fuck wrong.

Usidor.

Oh, man.

Chunt, are you real, Chunt?

Fuck me.

But the way you said it, I think that's the way.

It's me.

It's really me.

Fuck me.

Now, fuck me.

No, no, later.

Wait, look, if you want, there's another.

There's

nothing.

Oh, oh, sorry.

But get away from him.

Follow me through this invisible bubble.

Quickly.

One of you sitars.

Fuck clones.

We get it.

You're horny.

No, stay inside the bubble.

Yeah, okay.

We'll get in the bubble.

We'll wait until the soul walkers buckle the very structures that surround us.

God, no.

You have eluded us again, Arnini Kemp.

And oh, do not think that your victory will last.

We will come for you.

We, we, we,

we will, we will be.

Hold on, the walls are beginning to break.

Oh, I hope all of our recurring villain guests that we've had on the last several weeks find a way to survive.

Because it would be awful if every character we've met over the last five or six weeks dies in this cataclysm.

In the moment betwixt the time, I found you and uh I did also manage to manifest snorkel for all of the other uh all of the villains in here, so they're breathing just fine in a sea of soul walkers.

It's happening

The walls have crumbled.

We're free.

We're free.

We've done it.

And we've toppled the topless tower.

Ooh, that kind of rolls off the tongue.

Yeah.

Topples the topless tower.

Sounds much better than conjur coal visit.

It's nice to be outside again.

It's been way too long.

Watch your step.

There's a lot of uh

a lot of soul walker clones that are just sort of like laying here.

They seem pretty confused.

Stop

Did he say enui?

Oh, no.

What world is enui in?

I don't know.

Oh, that might have been the soul walker.

He would probably say ennui knee camp, right?

Oh.

Thank you for the snorkel.

Yeah, I gave that one.

I got the soul walker at Snorkel too.

I couldn't.

I think we all agree.

that's a good thing.

Does anyone know where the topless tower was?

I mean, I don't know Boone very well.

Seems colder wherever we're at.

Yeah.

Man, Corncob the Calco is going to be pissed.

But here's the thing.

I guess this is a victory against the wizard.

We destroyed their prison.

And released a bunch of villains back into the wild.

Yeah, which I guess is a mixed result.

Well, the enemy of my enemy and all that.

I suppose if we're causing them trouble, we're keeping them at bay a bit longer.

Which gives us time to address other issues, Ani.

Arnie.

My time in prison has given me a new focus, and I say this unto you, Trunt, for I know you have a deadline that came to you from that moose fellow.

It's time we took care of the animal war, and as soon as that's resolved, I say I shall confront these wizards, and I shall put an end to their tyranny.

Yes, yeah, it's time for us to be more proactive and get these things done.

We're gonna stop the animal war, and then we're gonna fuck me.

God damn it.

Wait a minute.

Arnie!

Fuck.

I'm over here.

Arnie.

Oh, he's under.

Okay, he's under some...

Help me.

Okay, now I will be back in five minutes.

Hey, Arnie, let's go over.

Fuck me?

No, I can't do that.

Never mind.

Never mind.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

Well, let's walk confidently away from this mess of bodies and viscera.

It's all been decided.

Yeah, we solved everything, and it didn't even take us a whole hour-long episode to do it.

Tomorrow's salad.

Tomorrow's salad.

We're being proactive, baby.

Not so.

Pretty crafty.

Pretty crafty there.

You azure wizard, yeah.

And you, horny knee camp.

The slipperiest eel in all the multiverse.

You almost got away with it too with your little horny clone gambit.

Ooh, I wonder if the name for my fuck me clone should be Horny Kneecamp.

It's got to be.

Gotta be horny knee camp.

Gotta be horny knee camp.

And you know what?

I'm not sure where our clones...

They ran off somewhere, so they're just going to live off in the world somewhere, and I'm sure we'll encounter them again someday.

Well, they might.

But you ain't encountering nobody, never know how again.

I'm doing what I should have done so long ago.

I'm calling you out, Arnie, Neekemp.

It's time to face the music.

You mean you're going to, like a, in a killing kind of way?

Yeah, in the killing kind of way.

That's kind of my whole raison d'être.

Pardon my French.

So, how do you do this?

Is it just a thing where you just kill me, or it's some kind of like face-off that I have a fair chance in?

Well, I suppose I could just plug you.

I reckon, I reckon you'd do the same to me.

But that ain't the way they do things back on my home plane.

Phew!

Please tell me it's gonna be one wild night of poker.

I'll give you a fighting chance.

I'm calling you out.

Do a gentleman's duel.

A dua, a dua.

Oh, I got five beans in the barrel and one of of them's aiming right at your head there, Arnie Meekam.

And now, when you say beans.

I mean bullets.

Oh, okay.

Forgive my cowboy patois.

Might be a little indecipherable at times, but I promise

I took the time to look some of these up and they're real.

Okay, Soul Walker Hexas Ranger.

So if we're going to have a duel with guns, I don't got a gun.

It's not fair until I get a gun.

So maybe we'll revisit this two or three years' time and I'll try to find a gun in the intervening time.

I mean, I could probably just conjure a gun or make a copy of that gun.

Yeah, there we go.

Seems like that's probably maybe the easiest workaround.

Thanks for being solution.

I'm always glad to help.

Yeah, if you let me hold your gun for a second, I'll hold it against the rebel and say copies, copies, copies.

Oh, great.

Now this is a fuck gun.

Can I have it?

Yeah, you can have one too.

Copies, copies, copies.

Yes.

Damn, that gun is horny as hell now

so now soul walker hectus ranger and just to be clear and i really appreciate you giving me honest answers about this even though it doesn't necessarily benefit you but in the spirit of fairness how do you get killed like if i shoot you do you die or is this kind of like pointless for me to even try to shoot you because you got so many souls inside of you

yeah it's funny you bring that up sometimes the rnes on various planes uh uh make the same sort of argument uh is this a fair fight because if you're an undead sort of shambling husk, as it were, if I plug you, are you actually going to go down yet?

The answer is no, sir.

This is a rigged contest, but

I've got to play by my own rules, Arnie Neekamp.

Look up at the sky.

It's high noon.

The sun is right there at the apex of its ride.

Very well, then.

Are you sure we don't want to wait to do this until after lunch?

I don't think that's appropriate.

Chunt, why don't you be second to the Soul Walker and I'll be second to Arnie.

Now stand back to back and watch 20 paces.

When you have walked 20 paces, you shall turn and you shall fire.

Chunt, you walk with the soul walker, I shall walk with Arnie.

This is my fuck gun.

This is my gun.

This is for fucking.

This is for fun.

Now, Arnie, when you turn,

you aim for the gun.

Okay.

How can you walk and keep the count in your head at the same time?

16, 17,

18,

19.

We're almost at a statue.

When I turn and I turn it off, turn and fire.

Okay.

Well, I don't know by what intervention, magical or otherwise, you managed to shoot my pistol out of my skeletal digits, but my hat's off to you, Arnie Neekim.

That's exactly where I was aiming.

Your hand.

So, Arnie, you won, right?

Yes, you won.

So, Walker Hexus Ranger, you have been defeated.

You have been disarmed in this duel.

You have no recourse now but to concede the fight.

This never happened to me before.

I've defeated Arnie's knee camp from every plane of existence.

From sub-aquatic Arne knee camps who breathed through gills and lived in underwater domes.

Whatever happened to the Soul Walker from the underwater world?

I sent him to the surface.

Oh.

and uh, you know, I don't, I mean,

who knows?

Maybe, but I killed him.

He was, uh, he was trying to find dry land.

Oh, I get, from my experience, the subaquatic ones are so hard to beat.

So hard.

It's very hard, but the music is very good.

Always, what is that?

Why is that?

But now, according to your own rules, you cannot challenge Ani for at least three months?

Six months?

Yeah.

Three months.

That's right.

Alright, we've got some time.

Oh, look, the Soul Walker is taking out a white kerchief and he's coughing it to it.

There's a little splatter, splatter of red.

No, no, I ain't sick.

I'm in my prime.

Arnie, I think you shot the gun out of his hand so good, with my help, that you've given the Soul Walker the consumption.

Wow.

I don't know, Arnie.

It's a magical world.

Am I the greatest marksman in all of food?

Oh, fuck.

Here we go.

Is that something I should start each episode introducing myself as?

I don't know.

I wouldn't.

Don't you go spreading that around, Arnie Niken.

Just remember, three months come and gone, and I'm your Huckleberry.

What's a Huckleberry?

Is that like

a paw bear?

Like someone who helps carry the casket?

Not sure.

I think I just know it's a fruit.

I know there's a Huckleberry Hound.

I'm your Huckleberry.

Was he coming onto you?

I'm your Huckleberry.

Now he's trying to get on that big bicycle, which wasn't his.

God, just got it.

How the hell does anybody do this?

Yeah,

his legs are too long.

You need like two people or maybe a stepdad or something.

This just don't make no damn sense at all.

Oh, Arnie, yell after him.

Yell after him.

You're a daisy if you do.

You're a daisy if you do.

Oh,

well, just remember, Arnie, knee camp.

You got a three-month reprieve.

But then I'm coming.

I'm coming.

And hell's coming with me.

God damn it.

Oh, he bonked his knee so hard on the handlebars.

The wheel's so big, the other one's so sad.

Maybe all those gears help you stay on top of that thing, right?

Seats covered with gears.

That makes no difference.

The gears should-I mean, the bike has gears, but not there.

Oh, and Chuncy's running after him.

Huh, what a weird little thing.

The only thing I can think to add is Auga.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

The many multi-dimensional Soul Walkers were played by special guest Ross Bryant.

Ross's sinewy, eldritch form appears regularly on dropout TV.

And if you want to see Ross perform in person, like a lone birch tree in winter brought to life through sheer need to entertain, he's part of the Improvised Shakespeare Company appearing at the Denver Center for the Performing Arts this June.

And this very week and Sunday, May 25th, he'll be performing with Chris Grace as Grace and Bryant at Kickstand Comedy in Portland, Oregon.

I've been a fan of Grace and Bryant for years.

How classy for Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda to pass the torch to two spiritual successors.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

And the smart money signs up directly on the Patreon website, instead of on the Apple Patreon app to avoid those extra Apple fees.

I roll.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello for the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Pomand.

Dang old one wheel.

What?

You can't.

I mean, it makes so much more sense for me two symmetrically sized wheels.

Just one big old wheel.

I'm sitting on one wheel.

I mean, it's barely a bicycle.

It's like a unicycle bonus.

Here I am, just doodling along, looking like a guy on a pack of Trader Joe's corn chips.

Damn old Velocipede.

It was impossible.

You gotta be standing bolt upright on this thing.

How the hell am I gonna get off?

I need like a light pole to get pull up next to a tree or something.

Now fall seven feet.

Who the fuck designed this thing?

What a damn waste of space and engineering know-how.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We were made to easily bundle your trip.

Expedia.

Made to travel.