Season 5, Ep 55 - Prison Whisperbrew (w/ Brendan Dowling)

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Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

10 years and counting.

Now in prison.

Jason, don't forget to take out the garbage.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Topless Tower, a maximum security prison for villains run by wizards in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always,

By my co-captives, by my best buds, my co-hosts.

We thought we could escape, and we've realized it's harder than we thought.

And here's one of them.

He's a brave, brave little badger.

Chunt the Talking Badger.

Oh yeah, baby, Hardy, I have been trying to dig so long.

I feel like I got maybe 20 feet down, and then I hit some sort of magical barrier, so I think that's all out of the question.

And are you open to notes on your escape plan?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, first of all, you should have started digging on the floor.

You've been digging on your bed.

Oh, okay.

I don't think it's been 20 feet.

And maybe you kind of got to the bottom of the mattress?

This is super helpful.

It was also helpful when I said, I'm going to try and concoct an escape plan.

And you said, can you do one dramatic, one comedic?

And I said, okay, absolutely.

So, yeah, Arnie, I appreciate your feedback.

That's why you're my manager.

Yeah.

Can I hear the comedic one now?

It's kind of embarrassing.

I'd rather not.

Oh, Arnie, also,

did you know we get conjugal visits?

What?

We do?

Yeah, there's a room.

It's more of a cave that you can go into, and there's two sort of

one of the guards will like magic up two creatures and they'll have sex in front of you.

Huh?

I mean, I think they're just like, you know, visages or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've never really done this approach before, but I want to hear more, but I don't want to ask any questions.

So why don't you just sort of act it out?

Well, you don't have to do that.

Okay.

Whoa, he didn't hold that?

In front of you?

Mm-hmm.

Holy cow.

I guess I'm going to have to go to that cave.

Anyway, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

Good evening.

My name is Usidor the Blue.

I've prepared one classical escape and one comedic escape.

Which would you care to see first?

Are you willing to shave?

And I'm willing to shave.

I'm 5'11, and I'm from Hogsface originally.

Originally?

I I guess we never really talked about like I met you in Hogsface and you spent a lot of time other places, but then you were originally like kind of conjured near Hogsface?

Kind of my home base.

Yeah, I often returned there.

It felt as much like home as anywhere in Foon.

Though all the Foon accepts me, for they have accepted me as their champion, fighting for righteousness and good wherever I do go.

Oh, I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't be saying that so loud here in a prison full of villains.

Yeah, so sorry.

So I guess let's hear your comedic escape.

Well, I suppose I'll just walk through this wall.

Wow!

Classic.

Oh, I guess it's comedic and classical.

Yeah, well, just so we can compare, can we see the classic escape?

Friends,

let's look at each other knowingly, side glances, while the gods aren't paying attention, then touch the sides of our nose

so that we communicate with each other about how we're digging out of here.

Hmm.

Okay.

Well,

thank you for coming in.

I think I prefer that community.

When will I hear from you?

Well,

later in the week, we'll be posting in the cafeteria up on the wall a list of the people that are escaping with us.

I have my own daggers and staves, so.

Oh, okay.

That's good to know.

I have my own wardrobe, too, if that helps.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Um, Chunt,

is it weird that you are both auditioning and one of the producers of this escape?

And one of the auditors.

I think it's a little unorthodox, but I feel like desperate times.

Dot, dot, dot, right?

Yeah.

Is it possible we've been in prison too long and we're just going a little kooky?

I'd say there's a good chance.

Arnie, did you prepare your escape plan?

One romantic, one horny?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, the problem is I keep getting the horny and the romantic and the romantic and the horny.

Arnie, there's a fine line between romantic and horny.

Look, here's the thing.

I spent all weekend working on my escape plan, my original escape plan that no one had ever done, and then I realized it was just a plot to baby girl.

Oh, yeah, remind me what baby girl is again?

It's complicated.

It's

said this is the one where the guy drives, but he just looks young.

Yeah.

That's baby's day.

And then the baby has a day out.

No, no, that's baby's day out.

That one is literally baby's day out.

And the boss tells everyone to do wears a little suit.

Yeah, it's a boss.

And it's Alec Baldwin.

And the baby's like, look who's talking to?

Yes.

And that's it?

Arnie, do all babies on Earth talk?

A lot of them, in movies, they all do.

Hmm.

It's only when they're paid.

Babies, that's smart.

To only talk when you're paid.

Guys, we're getting going a little kooky in this cell.

I know, here's the weird thing about this prison.

We can kind of occasionally just leave our cell and walk around the prison.

Why don't we go walk around a little bit?

We've been

stretching a

a little unsuitable.

I probably need to go and help out in the cafeteria as well, since I haven't been down there in a few days.

Do you guys notice how whenever we leave our cell, we always turn to the right and look about what's over there?

We never look at the cells over to the left.

Hmm.

Okay.

Well, let's go left today.

Why not?

Today's the day.

All right.

Okay.

Dead body.

There's somebody in this one.

I will go back on the next afternoon, and then I think they can all.

Oh, oh!

Pardon me, friend.

What are you doing there in the corner?

I'm.

Is that you, Sidor?

And

the badge of Chun?

By my stars, it's Arnold.

How I haven't seen you all in ages.

Oh, Arnold, it's so wonderful to see you.

It's hard to tell who you are under that filth and that grime and those rags.

Who art thou?

Oh, well,

I'm humiliated before I've fallen on hard times.

This I,

the once most powerful person in all of Foon, now bedraggled to this.

I'm Benedict Whisperbrew.

Oh, the eunuch!

It's the eunuch, everyone!

It is the eunuch!

Well, that's not what I always lead with.

I have a lot of other

qualities.

I'm a good friend.

I'm an ardent listener.

I'm a fierce champion of the arts.

Oh, uni, it's so good to see you.

Thank you, thank you, Chand.

Thank you, thank you.

It's It's

come on.

Benedict, it's good to see you again.

I feel like you're one of the first 10 or 12 people I ever met in Fun.

Yes, and you were always so kind to me, Arnold.

And

I'm just, I'm so ashamed that you're seeing me like this.

Oh, you needn't be ashamed.

We too are trapped here for a crime we didn't commit, really.

And

how may we assist thee?

You know, I have to be brutally honest with you.

You might be here under false pretenses, but I am here deservedly so.

I committed one of the rankest crimes a person can commit in fool.

Murder, foul murder.

Oh, far worse than that.

Oh, regicide, foul regicide.

Would that I had the temerity to kill a king, but it is even more despicable than that.

My mind cannot even imagine.

something that is a truly abominable crime.

But this one is even worse.

I plagiarized a play from a fellow playwright.

After years of being a court arbitrator, now I dove into my creative pursuits, and I was never happier when I was writing plays with Trachea, and then when we had our little contretemp,

and went our separate ways.

Sorry, you had your little what?

Contretemp.

And then we went our separate ways.

Then I

was like, Benedict, you are worthy enough.

You can write a play on your own.

But I just stared at that blank parchment day after day, night after night, never having even the audacity to write Act 1, Scene 1.

And then, in a forest glen, I overheard the twitterings of the hummingbirds.

And you know that I can speak the language language of all bird creatures.

Of course.

It was Hector, the king of the hummingbirds, and he was rehearsing his solo show.

Oh, Hector Hums the Hits.

Yes.

Oh, Hector Hums the Hits.

I was foolish enough to see that it wouldn't have been a crossover success with

the human population, but of course, the number one audience demographic for the Hector Hums the Hits was a person.

You've heard a hummingbird sing, right?

I don't think I've heard.

It's like seeing a sunrise over a mountain cliff.

It's like seeing a unicorn burst through the water and then land atop an anthill.

Oh my god.

It's like seeing a mermaid fuck a centaur.

Well, I...

Yes.

Yes, it is exactly like that.

Oh, and so I skulked behind a sycamore tree and was scribbling furiously all his stage directions, all his crosses and his counterposes and his soliloquies and his music breaks.

So I'm sorry, so bad.

When you were overhearing Hector hum

his play, Hector hums the hits.

Was he also like vocalizing the stage directions, or you were just transcribing the ways he was moving around?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Arnold.

I forget that not everyone has a familiarity with avian theater that I do.

Yes, when a bird rehearses their play,

they do something called a technical rehearsal.

And since it's illegal to stage manage a bird's show in Foon, a bird also has to act as their own stage manager.

So they have to call out all the stage directions.

It's an archaic and cruel law that I've been trying to get overturned for years.

Why can't they have a stage manager?

Legislation needs to start now so that birds can only be burdened with the prospect of acting their one-person show and not having to stage manage it also.

That's right.

I'm sorry to interrupt it, but I just get so passionate about this.

Oh, both, both you, Usidor, you and I are advocates, and that is our burden.

I saw a one bird show of Bird Bird Birdie.

It was a mess.

Oh, Birdbird Birdie has a long history of injuries and performers taking huge, like lights falling on their beaks.

You know, the curtain clipping off their tail feathers.

It was a disastrous run.

Well, you want it to be a spectacle, but a one bird version is very difficult to make into a spectacle when you're doing bird, bird, birdie.

You want that full production value, yet doing it all on your own is just not realistic, especially when you're just a delicious little bird.

I remember hearing Kevin Kestrel,

it's the Act II number, Birds, What's the Problem with Birds Today?

And

it's more of...

You can sing the song or you can speak, sing the song.

It's one of those marvelous things.

You can be a character, actor, or you can be a real triple threat.

And he was going through it, and a stage light fell on him, and it killed him.

Oh, gosh.

I also saw a version that Bernadadette Peters tried to do.

Very difficult.

And she

lost her voice.

She managed to pull off a lot of the production value.

I love Bernadette Peters, Usidor, but I'll be honest, the last few times that I've seen her, an understudy has gone on for her.

And then sometimes I went to a Wednesday matinee.

Bernadette Peters was only marking it.

She wasn't going full out.

Nice.

Yeah, you can tell when they're going through the motions, Aaron.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I've heard, I've seen her squawk at someone in the audience who was laying an egg while the show was going on.

It's really uncomfortable.

Oh, well, and the thing is, you know, I think egg laying is a real problem in theater right now because so many people, you know, you're not in your living room.

You're not

at home.

You can't just lay an egg whenever you feel like it.

No.

Just excuse yourself and go to the nest.

Yes, that's what they're there for.

Every bird theater has a nest in the lobby for egg-laying purposes.

So I'm not as familiar with one bird shows as you three are, but I feel like I heard there was one called Squawk Radio.

You've never heard the old saying, pick up your egg after the show?

No.

I haven't heard that saying.

Or you would also say, if someone's about to go on for the first time, you say, break an egg.

Exactly.

Sorry, Arnie.

You were saying that.

No, I was just saying, I heard there was one called Squawk Radio by Eric Bogozahen.

Oh, Eric Bogozahen is.

He's a truth-teller.

He's a soothsayer, and he holds a mirror up to society.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Arnie, I was curious why you didn't talk for three minutes.

And now I know why.

I don't know.

I guess I just really like those kind of like older one-bird plays that are a little rougher around the edges, like

Spalding Grey Goose.

I like his work.

Oh, Flying to Cambodia.

Monster in a Squawks.

A lot of them have squawk in it for some reason.

We never know.

We'll never find out.

Do you like John Leguazomo bird?

A lot of his stuff is, you know, just kind of freaking out.

Now, is that the bird that has a lot of ellipses near the end of his name?

I think so.

He's a bit of a freak.

Yeah.

But now, Arnold, I'm here in the prison and I'm I'm serving up my sentence willingly gratefully and you know what I'm thriving because I am finally reaching out to the incarcerated population and I am helping them tell their own stories and we we are writing solo shows we are writing group work we are we are bringing the power of the theater to the incarcerated masses here in Fuh sing sing

I will

Arnie we wish to have Benedict Whisper Brew a whisper whisper brew is that right whisper brew Yes, that's my Whisperbrew.

Whisperbrew.

Yes.

I didn't have to change it when I joined the Actors Association here in the prison.

Oh, there's not already a Benedict Whisperbrew in the theater community in the prison.

Well, there was, but he died 100 years ago, so I can still use my own name.

Oh, I see.

We should have him help with the, um, I don't know, the sort of writing and casting of the escape plan, right?

Oh, sure, absolutely.

Oh, and also, if any of you want to write a show of your own, you know, I I would be more than grateful to help you shape it and mold it and, you know, just give you constructive feedback as you tell your own story.

Oh, you sure have the time to pitch It's Easy Being Blue.

I've always wanted to do It's Easy Being Blue.

I thought it'd be a wonderful way to teach everyone in Foon about fighting for righteousness and good and overcoming the forces of evil.

And also, perhaps opening the door to another career for myself, you know, perhaps doing voiceovers, you know, where I project my voice just out over the land,

using my magic powers and saying things like, buy this product.

Oh, Yusudo, I don't even know what you wanted me to buy, but my hand is on my wallet, just hearing your

voice.

Yes, well, no one's hired me, so I don't know what product to say yet.

And Chunt, do you have a story you want to tell?

Um, who maybe...

Oh, yes, I do.

It's like a...

Like a guy, and he falls onto this, um, he falls into this world.

and everyone's like, whoa, what the fuck is this?

And he's like, hey.

I'm gonna cut you off right there.

We're seeing a lot of that right now in prison right now, and I don't think it's going to fly.

No, that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

What if there's like a new spin on it?

Like, what if it's...

I don't know.

Arnold,

is there a story that you've been dying to tell?

Well, I've been thinking about...

A story I wanted to tell.

I've been thinking about it all weekend, and then I realized it's just the plot of baby girl.

I figured it out halfway through when I was like in my one-man show i was like and then i freak out and i tell my husband he's never made me come

hardy

i then i was like wait a second this is so familiar i think the plot of baby girl is a little bit more complex than you're deriving it from but arnold i i think your own story is so powerful and so resonant with today's masses of

king for a moment That would be a play that I would gladly purchase a ticket for.

Oh, you think I should play the part of a king?

You already have all of you.

You were a king for just a moment.

For the glorious 30 seconds when

I guess when Tom Blaine and Trachy Aurelia Belleroth did the bat dance in the bat cave to become rulers of the northeast, I did accidentally become king for about 30 seconds.

Accidentally or fatefully.

Oh.

As if the goddesses had ordained that for a half minute of perfection, balance and harmony would be restored to food.

Oh,

I mean, I

guess I was pretty great for 30 seconds.

Like, I was a pretty good king for 30 seconds.

I didn't do any damage to the kingdom, at least.

Oh, an unmarred kingdom is a successful reign.

Well, if you're just looking for stories about royalty, I have a great story about this prince.

He's brand new.

He's a fresh prince.

He's from West Fingaria.

He's fallen into bad times, fallen into a bad crowd, and then he gets

raised in West Fingaria.

Born and raised in West Fingaria.

And then he gets moved into with this rich family.

Before he gets moved, where does he spend most of his days?

You'd have to tell me.

In the eastern part of the city, or a different cardinal ordination?

I thought it was West, but now I'm starting to fear I was wrong.

Maybe

playground?

Look, I was making this reference.

I don't know what you're saying.

I think you're doing a marvelous job, Usidor.

And you'd, Yusidor, you know, I think what would be fun to explore is maybe there would be some tension between one of his familial members that would also spill over.

So maybe in the first act, one family member could be played by one actress, and then with no explanation, a new actress could play her in the second half.

And then he could have sort of an uptight cousin played by Al Flamingo Ribeiro.

Oh, I saw Al Flamingo Ribeiro in, um, in.

Well, I saw him in a play.

Yeah, he hasn't been in.

From my understanding, he hasn't been in that much.

Very charming, but not in that much.

Well, it's not unusual to see him just in different shows.

Yeah.

I think I saw him.

Isn't he kind of busy now with Foon's funniest crotch shots?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You know,

and that is what's so sad, because a performer like Alfonso Flamingo should be back in the theater.

We should see him.

Yes.

I think he did memorably fill in

In Shisquago.

Which of course has that great song that starts with Caw!

Woo!

Lepschitz!

Bore the other ones.

He had it humming.

It's about

the spouses of different hummingbirds who, the hummingbird spouses murdered the hummingbirds because he had it humming.

He was drinking.

He had drilled nectar, yeah.

He was drinking that nectar six times times or whatever.

So good.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Well, we should probably take a quick break.

But when we intermission, intermission.

Call it in.

We should take a quick intermission.

But Arnie, all this talk of birds really makes me think we've got to get Lynn Makar Miranda on this show.

Oh, yeah.

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So, Benedict,

you said you plagiarized this play.

It was a hummingbird one bird.

Hector hums the hits.

Hector hums the hits.

How did you get caught?

Oh, well, this is so embarrassing because I was putting it up at an unlicensed theater in the back of a barn in a tavern,

and I had been selling out for three weeks.

And people were saying, Benedict, I never knew that you could play a hummingbird so convincingly.

Your heartbeat is going 120 beats a second.

And I said, Well, I'm a method actor.

I have to.

I have to live as the hummingbird does.

I was on a strict sugar and water diet.

And then one night, the curtain rises, the light hits me.

And since I'm a human, I can deploy the talents of a stage manager.

And I made the fatal mistake that any actor can make.

I looked into the audience.

I looked into the audience.

And who do you think was sitting?

Front row, dead center, programmer clenched in his wings.

Birdette Peters.

Oh,

no, it was not Bernadette Peters.

She was busy doing Sunday in the Park with Gorge,

which is about.

Oh, Stephen Sondham.

Yes, yes, yes.

Stephen Sondham's immaculate work.

I miss him.

I miss him.

I know who it was.

I know.

I know.

Oh, you sidor, you have a guess.

Ah, I believe it was none other than Hector himself.

Oh, no, because Hector was busy on the west end doing Hector Hums the Hits part 2.

Oh,

well, that's good.

Well, then, who was it?

Arnie, do you have a guess?

Mandy something?

This one put hen at the end.

Mandy Patink Hen?

It was Mandy Patinkhen.

Finishing the nest?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, I loved when he said finishing the nest.

First, you've got to finish the nest.

Trim a nest.

Arnie, we've been talking for a minute about Foonish theater.

There's something you should know, which is,

Bennett sort of alluded to it when he said he looked out into the audience.

There's this magic that happens in theater.

Well, one, there's just a magic that happens in theater.

Oh, you have to go to the other side.

But two, Arnold,

you have to go.

You gotta go.

There's a magic that happens where if you can see the audience suddenly through sort of magic, the audience can see you.

Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense.

Chunch, you explained it beautifully.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If you can't see the audience, can they not see you?

Oh, Arnold.

How what?

Jejun.

Arnold, if you are going to be fresh like this, I am afraid we are going to get a little quarter-temp.

Get a little a cottage.

Arnold, Arnold,

I was performing the opening number to Hector Hums the Hits.

And that's, of course, when a young Hector is first spotted in the nectary by a big, powerful kestrel who says, wait a second, you have a gift.

You have to go to Hummingwood.

Anyway, you've all seen the show.

Wait, but also, Benedict, not only did you plagiarize this play, you didn't change any details?

Like, you didn't make yourself a human instead of a bird?

Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold.

When you find a pearl, do you try to transform it into a diamond?

When you find a

phoenix soaring over the sky, do you request that it change itself into a pterodactyl?

Hmm?

You don't change perfection, Arnold.

Also, do you even know what the word plagiarism means?

Did I stutter?

You didn't.

You speak perfectly.

He wasn't paying homage to it.

He ripped the fucking thing off.

Yeah, sorry, Ernie.

Sorry that this isn't like, you know, someone saying, like, you never made me come or whatever you said earlier.

That is one detail.

I think that's a gross oversimplification of the themes of Baby Girl.

Look, I'm not saying that's the most important thing that happened in Baby Girl.

Far from it.

That's just the part when I realized I was copying Baby Girl.

Well, anyway, Arnold, I did not change a thing because I...

When I saw Hector perform that part, I...

I knew his struggle, I felt it in my bones, and I had to bring it into life.

And I I dare say this might be my hubris, but I thought I could do Hector Humms the hits better than Hector could himself.

Wow.

And when I locked eyes on Mandy Patankhen, and he was in the audience, squawking nervously, and Mandy Patanken all of a sudden he ruffled his feathers and he stood to his full four inches of height and he squawked with that beautiful resonating tone.

Can you do an impression?

Are you do you have a Mandy Patankhen impression of how he squawks?

Well, I've been a huge fan of Mandy Patankhen ever since Hentel.

I prefer him in the Penguin Bride.

Oh, he's so happy in the Penguin Bride.

Also, Battleship Patankhen was a wonderful play he did.

And a lot of people forget that he plays the pianist in Chick Tracy.

Oh, yeah!

When he sings Fooner or Later.

Anyway, Mandy Patankhen Hen stood up to his full four inches and he said, Plagiarism, plagiarism everywhere.

Plagiarism, plagiarism, most unfair.

Which, of course, is the say it with me.

The spell.

Accusation.

This accusation.

Accusation

spell of plagiarism.

Plagiarism.

Accusation, spell of plagiarism.

Yes, and so I was immediately.

I left manacles on my hands, manacles on my ankles, and I was transported here.

My name has been sullied through the media.

I am...

people wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

Trachea has stopped returning my correspondence.

It's humiliating, but I resolve to build myself back up.

Oh my god, this is Benedict.

The magical manacles whisked you away to...

I mean, dare I ask that the audience get a refund?

I had to pay every single one of them back and write an individual letter of apology to each audience member.

How embarrassing.

I also had to amend my biography in the playbill and take out all reference to Hector Humms the Hits.

Now, wait, but there's still a playbill?

Yeah, you're still doing the show, even though you're in prison?

Yes, that was.

The judge said,

it is like when a child is found smoking the cigar, and the father says, oh, you like smoking cigars so much?

Why don't you stay the night in this little shed and smoke a box of cigars and child says i shall do it and then in the morning they are sick to their stomach and they never smoke cigars again well when you plagiarize a solo show by a hummingbird actor in foon your penance is to perform it every night for seven years until you are so sick of the show that you would be begging to do anything else.

But the thing about Hector Humphs the Hits, it is a play so textured, so nuanced, full of human insight and wisdom that honestly I find something new about it every time I hit the stage.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I don't want to keep you.

It's it's getting late in the day.

It's probably your call time.

Yes, I do have to run.

I mean, we'd love to see the show.

Can you just do it here?

And you said you did say car time, right?

Yeah, car time.

It's a good time.

My car time is half hour before the curtain rises.

And since I am a human actor, I still get a stage manager in prison.

And that's the sad thing.

Because the stage manager didn't do anything wrong.

But because I'm a human actor, they need a stage manager for the theater.

That's fair.

It's just sad.

Well, I think I don't know about you two, but why don't we take a quick break and then get ready to watch Hector Hums the Hits?

Look, I'm just saying it's not...

that that's what baby girl is all about.

I'm just saying that's the part where I realized it.

Well, the part where because it was literally that I was excited Antonio Banderas had never made it.

Say one other line.

And I know that's not true.

If that's not the only line, say any other line from that.

Good girl.

Cardie.

Anvon of on.

Well, there's also the part that I lay on the floor, stomach down, I masturbate in the story.

How fast does one masturbate?

Stomach down, ass up.

That's the way we masturbate.

Masturbot.

Stop talking about your masterbot.

I like to envelop myself in a cloud and float through the sky while I do it.

Well, that's

a good idea.

Yeah.

Arnold, I really think you're just telling on yourself.

That the other is fair.

It's fair.

Well, I've done my lip trills.

I've done my vocal warm-ups.

You've already caught me in my costume, Usidor.

These layers of grime are not the accustomary accoutrements of me, but I'm...

that's rather the Act 1, Scene 1 costume of Hector the Hummingbird.

Oh my gosh, the customer on your face is stage makeup.

Yes, yeah.

Well, you forget, what was Hector Hummingbird's origin story?

Say it with me.

He was found

in the

eggs.

Someone had laid an egg.

Broombar, bro, barbar, bro, barb.

Intermission.

Intermission.

Yes, yes.

So it starts where Hector hatches from the egg that had been deposited by a paying audience member at a hummingbird show, and he hatches and he grows up inside the theater until slowly ascending from the audience onto the stage where he makes his stunning arc towards career highlights and success.

Ooh, wow.

What a tale of accomplishment and overcoming such humble origins.

Yes, and well, that is why.

That is why it sells out night after night, even in prison.

Every...

It is the hottest ticket in prison right now is Hector Humzer Hits starring Benedict Whisperbrew.

But that's not all I'm concocting.

What?

I

don't you have to get on stage?

What else are you up to, Benedict?

Tell us.

The thing about the best plan is that you enact it in full sight, with no subterfuge, with full transparency.

For what does a hummingbird do?

He collects nectar.

And how does he collect nectar?

Oh, I know.

Oh, you Sidor.

By kissing flowers.

By kissing flowers.

Flowers, I would assume.

Flowers.

And where are the flowers?

Oh, they're not on the wall.

They're not on the back.

That would be too far.

Your back would be facing the audience when you stuck your little beak into the flowers now.

That's true.

You don't want to.

Any, they have a thing here in food called turning up stage.

It's bad form.

It's bad form and it's punishable by death.

Yes, that is why you'll see all the actors in full face or half face, and any time that they accidentally turn their back to the audience, they are summarily executed by their understudy, who then replaces them.

That's where we get the phrase, never act to the back of the house.

Yes, you'll have to keep it small.

Yes, Arnold,

the flowers are

on the stage floor.

Oh.

And I have to stick my beak into them night after night after night, for years on end.

And what is my beak made out of?

Is it some false front here now?

Of stagecraft and makeup?

Or is it?

Possibly.

Guys, he's making a meal out of this revelation.

He's a good actor.

Touch the beak, Arnold.

Oh, okay.

Have you ever felt a beak so sharp?

How?

Oh, I cut myself on your beak.

It's as if it could bore through solid iron.

It could ferret out a tunnel, any substance whatsoever, magical or mortal.

Yes, Arnold, every night I beguile audiences as I transform myself from Benedict Whisperbrew into Hector Hummingbird.

And then in full face, I do make my little tunnel that shall one day transport me out of this prison, where I shall wreck my vengeance upon all those who have wronged me.

I shall murder Hector Hummingbird and then take over his part in Hector Humps the Hits part too.

Wow, wow.

And I'm also going to get my landscaping degree.

Oh, that's nice.

Smart, yeah, smart.

Well, I've always loved gardening, but I really want to be able to make some money out of it.

But yes, I want to escape, and then I'll murder Hector Hummingbird and Mandipatank Hen for ratting me out or for burning me out.

And then I shall take over and I shall beguile audiences once again.

You just really love these plays.

So, all of this to escape and just do Hector Hums the Hits 2?

Oh, just to do that?

Have you ever seen Hector Hums the Hits?

You do a marvelous job of minimizing my dreams, Arnold.

Yeah, that's sort of his thing.

Arnold, have you ever seen Hector Hums the Hits?

Arnold, just sounds like a jukebox musical a little bit.

Oh, come on.

Just like a jukebox musical?

It is the clemme de la clemme of all jukebox musicals.

Jukebox is a clemme de la creme.

A jukebox would shatter at the mere thought of being made into a musical that would even be a remotely as genius filled as Hector Humphrey Hits Part 2.

Yes, it takes all the well-known songs that Hector made famous during the latter part of his career and haphazardly places them into a threadbare plot where Hector has to go to Greece and take over a struggling BB and figure out which of the hummingbirds on the island is his real father.

Yeah, but sometimes you just want to go to the theater and turn your brain off and just enjoy some good old-fashioned entertainment.

And just have fun.

Just have fun.

Here we go again.

I've already achieved all I can achieve in part one of Hector Humphrey Hits, but if I can get my hands on Hector Humzer Hits part two, I shall be ordained in the constellation of theatrical great.

Oh, right up there with Nathan Crane.

Oh,

yes.

Oh, he's wonderful.

He's wonderful.

Well,

if there's anything we can do to assist thee, we also are looking for a means of egress, for we wish to escape so desperately.

Oh, well, join my cause.

Come to my show, Hector Humms the Hits, and lead the standing ovation.

When is the show?

You said it's every night?

It's every night at 8 p.m.

Every night.

How close are you to the actual escape?

I am 96%

through.

I only need one more more performance of it, and then I shall be fully escaped.

But I need a distraction, Arnold.

Okay, you Sidora.

And then if you...

I'd have to see how the show went.

I can't just.

It feels wrong to just like pop up when the show's done.

Like, I need it to be.

Like, if it's not really good, it might be a little cringe.

Think about it.

Aren't we

also donning a visage?

Becoming an actor in the very play?

Putting on the role of the audience so moved that they must stand and clap.

We too would play our part in this dumb show,

allowing Benedict to escape and us to follow forthwith.

Yes, yes.

Oh, thank you, Yusuro.

Thank you.

Yes.

I promise I shall give the performance of a lifetime, Chunt, that your

gluteal muscles will have no choice but to spring out of the seat and furiously clap with your paws or your hands, whichever you have.

Thank you.

And then I shall make my escape.

And then, we'll need a diversion, a distraction.

And then the three of you could get on stage and you could say, we are going to hold a post-show question and answer period

where we're really going to dig in and we're just going to do things a little bit differently.

We are super fans who are, we are going to ask questions of each other and answer them about the show and then after a period of six to eight hours we presume that Benedict will be out of his stage makeup and will be ready to join us and in those six and eight hours I shall have made my furious escape from outside these incarceral walls oh excellent and by that time most of the theater goers will probably have gone home well no but they'll they'll still be in your post-show question and answer session so they'll be in their seats enrapped by the questions that you probe and the answers that you deliver.

Oh Arnie, let's play this out.

I want to make sure we get it right.

Arnie,

do you make money from doing this?

Well, I don't.

But...

But you have to ask Answers Benedict on his behalf.

Oh.

Is this your full-time job?

Do you make money doing this?

Well, um, the laughter and the cheers are.

We don't have to put on a voice.

I don't.

Well, let him out.

It's.

Let him out.

Well, all right.

Maybe we just have Arnie lie in his stomach and masturbate.

I mean, I could do that for six hours.

Or we could do the thing.

Oh, I have an idea.

You know, sometimes when you pay, you know, 200 fucking 50 gold to go see a show, and then at the end of the show, they're like, oh, it's like Avian Week, and like, we're going to be selling autographed eggs for 500 gold.

And it's like, I...

love this cause, but I just spent 250 gold on a ticket.

Like, I can't afford 500 gold for a shined egg.

Like, maybe we do that kind of thing, like, a little auction or something.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I will really draw it out.

Yes, and you could offer your own services.

You could have magic lessons with Usidor.

You could have badger lessons with Chunt or a Night on the Town with Chunt.

The bonhom and good wit of Chunt.

Sorry, the what?

The bonhominy and the good times of Chunt.

And then, you know, Arnold could, you know, you could, um, and I, I, I, and I.

Arnie, you could, um,

the thing

about Arnold.

Oh, you could wash someone's cart.

Yes, topless cart wash, yeah.

Topless cart wash.

That'd be fun.

I don't mean to go back to a topic that we had earlier covered and probably left, but I've always said you can beat a dead horse.

And I'm just remembering, when I was a student at university, I did see Nathan Crane in a production.

Remember the show about the two owls who are trying to put on the worst play of all time?

The Hoodoosers?

Yes, the Hoodoosers.

Oh, he was wonderful in that.

And he did that for several years.

Oh, and of course, I think I remember this is hitting me square in the face.

But what was the first performance that we all remember Nathan Crane from?

The Bird Cage.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, or also known as...

Benedict, you might know better than me.

It's also known by another name.

Oh, La Coja Fall?

what was it la coja fall that's it

now benedict yes i don't want to seem like i'm not supportive of the arts or supportive of your escape but a great way not to seem that you're not supportive is to be supportive oh wow

it just feels like we talked about we could help escape with you but it what it really sounds like is you're getting us to watch your whole show yes give a standing ovation whether it deserves it or not and if you could write and post a review on all the different channels, that really helps with ticket sales.

Okay.

Well, but ticket sales won't matter if you've escaped.

Ticket sales always matter, Arnold.

Ticket sales always matter.

I'm just saying.

What's the number one fool in prison, Arnold?

Ticket sales.

Put asses in the seats.

That's what they say.

Yes, hmm.

That is why the levels of incarceration are so high in Foon right now, because they need to get people to watch the shows that the prisoners are putting on.

I mean, honestly, how else are you gonna get anyone to see theater?

Wow, commentary.

Oh, hold a mirror to society, you sidor.

But I'm sorry, Arnold, you were criticizing me.

I'm saying, like, we don't get to escape.

We don't get to escape.

We're just doing all of this to help you escape.

Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold.

I thought two hours of seeing the most transporting part of theater is an escape.

Wow, wow, theater's escapism.

That's a good point.

But, Arnold, if it's so important for you to escape, then

And I shall thank you as my benefactors and my dear friends without whom I could not have accomplished this.

And then I shall say we shall do a magic act where we shall dive into a flower and reappear in eight hours' time, because the best magic acts are the most prolonged magic acts possible.

And so we shall dive into the flower, make our escape, and the fact that I've said it takes us us eight hours to return shall allow the people peace of mind that we shall be true to our word, as all prison magicians are, and return any times.

But we shall have our fingers crossed behind our backs, shan't we?

And we shall not be returning, but we shall be escaping.

All right.

I have one amendment to this plan.

We have to put a sign on the stage that says, Please go to the lobby to the nest if you're going to have your egg while you wait for the eight hours.

Yes, we can do that in the pre-show announcements, Usidor.

Great.

Okay, Fire Call.

Well, I think that pretty much sums it up.

We're going to escape

by completing

Benedict's show.

Yes, and I shall wreck my furious revenge on Mandipatenken and Hector Hummingbird and finally get my degree in landscape architecture.

Well, listeners, I guess that does it.

Next week, when you listen to the episode, we'll have Escape Prison.

Just give us a little bit of the beginning of the show.

Can we just hear a little bit bit of the software songs?

Please, just a little bit.

Hum the hits.

Archie, I'm never gonna escape this theater.

It was just my luck being born in an aisle.

I wish I had the egg layer who dropped me during intermission to talk to.

But I'm all alone.

There is a hen house on a cloud.

I like to go there when I sleep.

Nothing for do but dream and weep.

Arnie, this is from Le Miza Squab.

High on the castle in my

cloud.

Woo!

Woo!

Outstanding, wonderful, wonderful.

I think that merits a standing ovation, Arnold.

Get off your tubby.

For a complete recording of Benedict's solo show, keep watching the Patreon feed for a moment where our listening audience does something truly worthy of punishment.

Use It or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Attil Raffai.

Benedict Whisper Brew was played by special guest Brendan Dowling.

Brendan is a cast mainstay and audience favorite of the Improvised Shakespeare Company, with regular shows at the Largo Theater in Los Angeles and elsewhere around the country.

But what Brendan is most excited about is his new venture, Hold Everything Incorporated, where for a reasonable fee, Brendan will burst into your audition or self-tape as a high-powered talent scout, saying things like, Hold everything, I've been scouring the city for fresh new talent and you've got it, kid!

Generating instant buzz around your fledgling career.

Yes, his line delivery has been described by some as cartoonish, and his wardrobe is clearly hand-sewn.

But with your support and a few successful GoFundMes, Hold Everything Incorporated is sure to find its footing.

It's got to.

Brendan needs this.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode.

Mind-altering

drug?

So you're saying you're a lightweight?

Whoa,

a bunch of sort of plants are growing out of Usidor.

I think he's really connected with nature.

He might be dead.

He might be dead.

I've connected to the green.

Connected to the green?

I've connected to the green, the green of the grass, the grass.

Oh, I thought he meant like

him and Spintax were talking again.

Oh,

all the forest moss and the

fungi are all cats.

Have you always wanted to ask a mushroom?

I thought we were going to relax and now we've got to caretake Usidor while he goes full swamp thing.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

If you sign up directly on the website instead of on the Apple Patreon app, you can avoid any extra Apple fees.

Yuck.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Oh, no plug about the Wheel of Time Show About the Wheel of Time Show podcast?

I'm not arguing.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.