Season 5, Ep 54 - Prison Snake Princess (w/ Sayjal Joshi)

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. We've been doing this for 10 years.

Now in prison.

Jason, don't forget to take out the garbage.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and a month or two ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the topless tower, a maximum security prison for villains, which we thought we could easily escape.

But apparently, we are more trapped here than we thought.

That said,

get me through it all. I'd like to introduce my co-host, Shunt the Talking Badger.

What? What? Darkwidder Day. Oh, shit.
That's right. You wanted me to introduce you as your villain identity.

Also, joining me as always, Darkwater Dave. I don't wait for any introduction by any man.

I'm Darkwater Dave.

You're a tall bag of chips.

I am a tall bag of chips. It's true.
Thank you. It makes me feel really good being called that.
Yeah, tis my pleasure.

Arnie, I feel like since it seems like we're gonna be here a while, it feels like Darkwater Dave sounds a bit tougher than Chunt. So I just want to...

to that's true i really want to slip into i'm dark water that's right i'm darkwater dave you want to know how i got this name sure

one day i was minding my own business robbing a horse and all of a sudden a man comes out of the woods and stabs me in the side so sorry mid story are you open to questions or do you want me to wait until the end I'll take two questions, mid-story.

You were robbing a horse. Mm-hmm.
And no, it doesn't mean I was jumping on a horse to ride away, away, therefore robbing the rider. I was robbing the horse of its possessions.
Now, as you can see,

or did you sneak into the horse's house while it was away? The horse was there, but the horse was asleep. Now we all know that I think technically that's a burglary.
I robbed a horse. Alright.

Dark water started to pour out of my body. A deep, dark red.
This water was so red that it stained the grass where it fell. And ever since then, they've called me dark water Dave.

Did you know my body is made up of 60% dark water?

I did not know that, but you're very convincingly evil. Ooh, all the worst villains refer to their stomach as their tummy.
Shit. Oh, fuck, Arnie.
Should I...

Here's the thing. I'm so sorry, China.
I hope I didn't come off as a dick when I said that. Like, how do you want me to give notes?

Like, I'm just trying to protect you if you want to commit to this being a villain thing. Okay, and I have and I and I have to get notes.

Okay, so if I guess if I have to get notes, how do I want them? Oh, yeah.

How about Gut Hole?

The horse's name? No, instead of Tummy. Oh, now I want a horse named Gutthole.
Oh, oh, well, you can make that the horse name, too. Gutthole's a good name for a horse.
That's right.

You heard it here first. Darkwater Dave rides upon a stabbed horse called Guthole.
Oh, that's so good. Oh, oh, I am also joined by my other co-host.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Dracus, the Elves know me as Via Yakdep, the dwarves know me as Zonin Extenges, and I'm known throughout the Northeast as Gasmarius Maestar, and there may be other secret names, names that you shall ne'er hear escape mine lips.

But I. I'm compulsed to say mine full name and titles.
But yes, I suppose I should do like Chunt and take on my villain disguise.

I am no longer Usador, but Dorasu, the fat, stupid bag of stupid meat magic sorcerer.

I'm just a dumb idiot human who had to learn magic instead of being a wonderful angelic being who fell from the heavens and became a wizard. Yeah, and I just realized gut hole rhymes with butthole.

Yeah. I don't even think about that.

Did you stab the horse twice? Does it have two gut holes? Oh, it does now. Hey, Arnie, thank you so much.
Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.
Arnie Chant, I'm so terrified.

For the last week, I have been doing naught but trying to devise some way to escape from this prison. For e and my incredible powers have failed to give us purchase or

purview into some manner of escape. But I have heard, I have heard tell of the person behind the person,

the one who's pulling all the strings.

They refer to them simply as

the snake. And if anyone can get us out of here, it's the snake.
So wait a second.

You're not talking about Corncob the Calico, the cat wizard that runs the prison, the warden. You're talking about one of the- Fuck Corncob! Stupid cat wizard can eat a bag of shit.

Corncob will do it. He's crazy.
He's crazy. I mean, cats love eating shit, right? You have to actively stop them.

I think he's referring to me.

Snake. Snake.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Holy shit.
Nice to

see you.

Wait. Wait, I've seen you before.

Previously, when I was trapped in that amulet by Drip Fang, oh, yeah, you know what? I don't think we've ever officially met, though.

Oh, yes, well, I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakis, the Elves know me as Fearing Elek, the Dwarves know me as Zonanhukstanges, and I'm known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

And I am known to the snake people of the Spartang Jungle as.

you know what now that you say that I do remember I do recognize that I like I recognize the

name yes my snake maidens have my snake maidens have talked about you oh oh what did they what did they say oh they said you're an f-boy oh okay well

chunt yeah you sinner's talking to one of his spin-off friends

Arnie Chunt, sorry, this is Fufina, the snake princess of the Spartanga Jungle. That's right.
Hello, I'm a snake princess. Wow.

I handle some of the lower-level duties of the kingdom when, you know, everybody else is out of town. Oh, sure.
You're like a giant. Like, how would you describe yourself? Like a giant snake woman?

It's kind of like an Amazonian snake woman.

It's like a mer snake, like a snake, a mer, not a mermaid, but like a snake maid. You know, like

snake on the bottom, party on the top. Okay.
Arnie, have we told you about Amazonians here in Foon? No.

The snake people all take a vow to ne'er sleep and to work 24 hours a day delivering packages to people all over Foon. They piss in jars.

They piss in jars. It's

that is a nasty rumor. I'm going to dispel that rumor right now.
That is a nasty

rumor that has been going around.

Anyway, I've been in this prison for a while now, and I'm kind of the HBIC, if you know what I mean. I guess I don't know.
Guys, guys, guys, huddle up, huddle up.

H-B-I-C.

Um, is it like... It sort of sounds like something a bank would have.
Horny bugs.

No, that doesn't track. Horny bugs in cahoots.
Oh, horny bugs in cahoots. Are you a horny bugs in cahoots?

You know what? I should have said H S I C head snake in charge. Oh,

that's right. I pulled the strings.
I'm the puppet master around these parts.

So not head bacon

Did you say bacon?

I love bacon. Oh, I love bacon too.
We're bothering. Okay, we have something in common.

Maybe you can be one of my minions.

Ooh, Arnie, you'd make a great snake maid. When life hands you snakes, make snake maid.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna write that down.

Oh, um, ooh, uh, Princess, I... Do you need you're a snake? Do you need help writing that down? Or are you...

No, I have the top of me is a huge, like woman. Oh, I even looked all the way to the top.
Ooh, la la. Oh, yeah, you gotta look all the way up there, guys.

Oh, yeah, everybody's just looking at my underbelly. Yeah.
Holy cow. So, yeah.
No offense. I mean, just a genuine, respectful appreciation.
I think holy cow is a compliment.

You know, some people worship cows. And if I may, Princess, I wouldn't call it an underbelly.
I'd call it like an under gut hole.

You know what? I would too. Thank you.
Yeah.

I always try to work gut hole into every conversation, conversation, and it never seems to be able to slip in really easily. You know, people don't want to use it.
Right? Yeah, it's I don't know why.

Yeah, it's a weird word. Maybe it's because it rhymes.

Oh my gosh.

But that's the beauty of it. It's the symmetry.
I need to fill up my gut hole and then empty my butthole. Symmetry if you're lucky.

Yeah, but if you really think about it, you're just kind of rhyming the same word with itself. Oh yeah.

Gut hole, butthole. Yeah, it's hole with it.

Yeah, that's a you know what? That's okay. Any entertainment we can find in here in the on the inside, I'll take it.
Oh, Fufina,

I come to thee on bended need, seeking thy guidance and assistance.

If you are truly the whispered snake that I have heard so much of, perhaps you could help me and my compatriots escape from this terrible prison.

Oh, we don't use the E-word around here very often. It's dangerous.
Oh, I see. Uh, what E-word did you say? Escape.
Escape. Oh, escape.

Yeah, I had to think about it too. I was like, I said, prison? I said...
Yeah, I was thinking escape started with an S. Escape.
Oh, I could. You know what? I wish everything started with an S.

Oh, yeah, that would work out great for you. That would make my life so much easier.
It'd be so much easier for you to remember the acronyms about you. Yeah, I know.
Tell me about it.

Ugh, there's so many. I'm kind of the SSS around here, actually.

Yeah, I don't know about that. Well, let's take a break.
Let's take a break. Let's take a break.
break

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So,

Princess

Fufima, is that how you prefer to be addressed?

You can call me Foof. Foof.
Okay, Foof. I feel like I know you all so well already.
Oh, wow. Wow, there's so much fun.
You know, a lot of people are really afraid of me in here.

Maybe it's just because of my enormous demeanor and snake-like body.

But I'm actually a real big softy. Okay.
You, and you seem it. I feel like people are just sometimes scared of confidence.
And I feel like you have such a strong sense of self, if that makes sense.

Thank you. Yeah, confident women, people are just scared of us, you know? They're just terrified.

So do you mind me asking, like, what kind of villainous stuff were you up to right before you ended up in this prison? Oh, you know, murdering, pillaging, that kind of stuff.

I just have an appetite for

violence. Oh, looting, yes.
I got into some looting, you know, in the later years. So you're a musician? Yeah, yes, I play the loot.
Yes. Okay.

Mm-hmm. As a matter of fact, I have a loot collection on the outside.
They confiscated it from me when they put me in here. I was really sad about that.
That is terrible.

Yeah, so I've been whittling my own loot in my downtime. Hey, hey, hey, we don't need to know what you do with your cell.

Listen, we've all had the urge to whittle our own loot, okay? But some of us have cellmates who stare in the night.

Arnie. Gosh, so your cellmate hates music, sounds like.

Yes, Arnie is such a

what do I say? Luddite? That's someone who hates music, right? In this world?

No, not at all.

A ludite. Sorry, a ludite.
You mean a flutite? A flutite? Yes. Now I am 350 years old, and I don't whittle my flute nearly as often as I used to.
That's all right.

You know, maybe you'll get back into it. Sometimes we, you know, we forget about hobbies that we enjoyed in the past.

Yes, I suppose so. So it sounds like you want to

escape.

Yes, very much so.

Oh, we desperately need to get out of here. We came here to find information about the wizards who have constructed this monstrosity of a prison.
But now we have learned all we can learn.

Wait, hold on a second. Is that true, Ani Chun? Have we learned all we can learn? I mean,

we can only hold so much information ahead of time.

Well, I mean, have we actually figured anything out about why they're doing this?

Like, life's the journey. Life is a learning journey.
That's true.

I mean, I guess we know the wizards have been putting villains in this prison, you know, partly to keep them from fighting the wizards, but also it seems like they're sucking the power out of everybody for their own gain.

And we know where the prison is now, don't we? Do we?

I don't know they do. I mean, we're inside of it.
Huh. You know what, though? Isn't there a prison inside of all of us? Wow.

Wow. Just when I thought I learned everything.
I know. You just gotta look on the inside.
So, like, even if you weren't in a prison, wouldn't you kind of still be in a prison?

Yeah, I guess that's true. Of your own making.
So our organs are a prison of our skin, and then the bile is the prison of the organs.

Are you a doctor? I've played one in a

play, I guess. Like a troop? A traveling troop?

Yeah, I was in a traveling troop.

We, you know, we'd put on little skits, as my mom would call them. Oh, I love a skit and bit.
You all are so entertaining. Are you really sure you want to leave? Oh,

you know, actually, you've been so wonderfully nice. I feel like you're...

I could make your lives much better in here.

We could promote you to

Snake Side Henchman.

We've been working in the kitchen for the last few weeks.

Holy shit.

Yes, with Calhaxaris, the knight, the death knight.

Guys, guys, guys, we can't escape now. We just got promoted.
Oh.

Everything's going great. As soon as I sell this tomorrow horse, we're gonna be set.

I don't want you guys to think, like, you know what, we're a family here.

I know you guys think you're just prisoners in a prison, but actually, no, we are we're a family and we want we want everyone to know we care about you. Oh,

hmm. Being trapped somewhere and you can't leave, that is family.
This feels like when I was called a rock star last week. This this feels really good to know that I'm a family.
It's true.

I don't know. You're like little my little pets.
Oh, that feels less good. Yo, pets are a part of the family if you think about it.
That's true.

They are. Well, I suppose, uh, uh, chunt, Arnie, are you okay with being pets of Fufina? That has a real ring to it.
Pets of Fufina. Who, hey, who, who robbed that horse? The pets of Fufina.

I would get you all little cute harnesses

with your names on them. Little name tanks.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

On the back, I could put property of Fufina. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Ornie, come on. You get two meals a day.
Two meals a day. And all the belly rubs you want.
Oh, my goddesses.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So now those two meals a day, are those in addition to the meals that we already get from the prison? No, I would take those.
Oh, shit. That makes sense.

And so those belly rubs, are those in addition to the ones we already get from the prison? Gut hole rubs. Those gut hole rubs.
Oh, I wasn't aware you were already getting gut hole rubs. I thought so.

I thought that was official. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Sounds like you're getting contraband gut hole rubs.
I think that's something the Prince Vantis was just doing on me. Oh, that might be.
He's crazy.

He's fucking nuts. What are the perks? What are the...

We get a harness. We get belly rubs.
Yes.

I would give you cute little pet names.

We like names. I love getting new names.
Okay.

I already know yours. It'll be gut hole.
Oh. Alright.
Well, that's the best one. Fufina, do you have a nickname for chunt? Ooh, and I like baked goods.
I like baked goods. Keep that in mind.

You know, I was thinking maybe like sunt.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's sort of, um, Arnie a new story.
Sunt, uh, if I'm, if I'm uh, catching you correctly, sont is sort of a sausage and croissant, um, a sort of a pork manteau.

I have heard of those. It's like a, um, what are the things that's like a curler and a muffin, a cruffin? Or a crow nut? Oh, that's what I was thinking of.
A crow nut.

That is the one thing I miss from the outside. Arnie, do they have crow nuts on earth? I think so.
They're literally the nuts of crows. Oh, no, we don't have those.

But you stand in line for six hours for them.

That's right. I wish I knew more about crows so I would know: do we have that or not? Some people call them Corvid nuts.
Okay. So it's also like a pizza in a car, like a kiza.
What did you say?

I don't know. I'm just

talking. Arnie, can we add nuts to the Corvid in our logo logo when we get out of here? Maybe there are already hidden nuts in that logo.

Wait a second.

Are you trying to promote getting nuts? This is Chunt. This is Yucidor.
And we're getting nuts.

This is a podcast within a podcast where Chunt and I talk about our favorite nuts.

I like almonds. Don't forget to check your testicles in the shower.

Well, that's it. We're done.
Does it have to be in the shower?

Arnie.

All right, I'll send in an email.

So, what I was saying is, maybe you should abandon these plans of trying to escape and just curl up on a blanket on my bunk. Oh, she's wrapping her snake half around the three of us.

I feel so enveloped. Yeah, it's I was gonna say it's warm.
It's I wouldn't go so far as to say it's warm. We don't produce our own heat as snake people.
Oh, yeah. I can't regulate my body temperature.

Now that's why I need pets like you.

I look, uh, I feel like I'm getting sleepy and I want to do anything you're telling me to do. And I keep looking directly into your eyes, which seem to be swirling about.

But I'm not too worried about it.

I think you're on the up and up. But I do have to ask: if one of us does something that you find unacceptable,

how would you go about punishing us? You'll have to be disciplined accordingly. Okay.

That's a vague answer.

Now, would you consider devouring one of us whole? Yes. Ah, okay.
I consider everything.

Hole is good though, right?

I would say whole is better than part.

That's true. Yeah.
You know, would you rather jump, jump, jump, or jump?

I'm going to choose chomp. Single chomp.
Yeah. Also, as a snake princess, I sort of just devour everything whole, so there's not really any chewing.

Yeah, we just we would just be digested over a course of, I would say, days, weeks, how long? Oh, sure. Probably weeks, depending.
Okay, sounds horrific.

I pretty much only eat once a week, and I can only really digest food when my body temperature is above a certain degree. Ah,

and I swear this is the kind of question I've been trying to ask less often, but I gotta be me. How does your poop work then? Arnie.
I have a poop hole. Okay, well, that makes sense.

You mentioned it earlier, and you were correct. That's right, Aston.
Actually, it's more of a cloaca.

Oh.

Do you know what a cloaca is? Yes. Surprisingly, it comes up

more often than you would think on this show. Oh, interesting.
Yeah.

Well, I famously love birds.

They are delicious. They're also good friends.

They also demanded that there be a champion, someone who would come forth into food and protect the forces of good and do righteous deeds on the name of the goddesses.

So the birds also did that for me, yeah. That was me.
Okay. Yeah.
Foofs, can I ask, do you have any other current minions or pets or buddies or anything?

You know, I did, but unfortunately, I got hungry. And so they're no longer with us.
Oh, no, that's too bad. They're contributing to my kingdom on the inside, as I like to call it.

Oh, nice. Guys, I'm guessing her friends couldn't stand to watch her eat, so they left and went back to whatever kingdom she's from and started helping, right?

We're all tracking this story, right?

I'm confused about the part where there's a kingdom inside of you, but there's also a prison inside of you. I mean, I guess the kingdom has a prison.
Well, that's metaphorical.

The kingdom in me is literal because I'm literally eating them and they're going inside my body. Ah, I see.

So it's kind of a higher-level thinking thing when I'm talking about the prison inside you. I see.

How often does the snake princess eat? About once a week. Okay.

She said that earlier.

Okay.

I mean, if I... It depends on the minions.
You know, if I have plenty of minions, it's like I can eat once a week. Less minions, you know, I gotta spread it out.

And for a while there, I was doing keto, so I had to be choosy of which minions I was eating. The most protein-heavy minions you had? Yes, the most muscular minions.
Right. Right.

So no plant-based minions, like a talking flower. No, goodness, no.
No, I have a lot of respect for plants. I would never eat a plant.

That reminds me, guys, when we get to the kitchen, we should put meat back on the menu. Sure.
But how would we say it when when we enter the kitchen?

Looks like meat's looks like meat is getting served up. Something like that.
Yeah, something like that. We'll figure it out in the moment.
That's catchy.

I'm really hung up on this idea that there's a prison inside of me. And I know it's supposed to be a metaphor, but I think maybe it's just...
I think maybe there's literally a prison inside of me.

Because wizard anatomy is fucking crazy, man. Oh, do you have weird poops? Oh, the weirdest.
Is that why you think that there's a prison? I would say there's probably a war raging inside of you then.

Whoa. The stories I could tell you about my poops alone would set your scales ablaze.
I keep saying we should do Patreon mini-series where Usidor talks about his poops. Give me like a little preview.

I remember everything I eat.

So I eat a lot of strange things, and

well, sometimes that means

I defecate and it takes on a life of its own. Whoa, Arnie, I eat a lot of strange things.
He does remember everything.

Specifics, whoa. Did you want me to list them all out right now, Trunt? Because I can start.

Just 72 of them. 72, fine.
That's got to be really interesting for your cellmate. One, an abacus.

Two.

Soup. Thank you for going in alphabetical order.
Arnie, I don't know if we've ever said numbers and then the thing, right? It's usually the thing and then the thing. We say the numbers.
Yeah. Yeah.

He really takes in charge. He's taking our chair.
He's cutting us out of the whole process. He was acting weird.
Oh, he's on his last one.

And a zebra's face.

The face is the best part.

Yes, we love.

Chunt used to be

used to make fox face at a restaurant he ran in a swamp that sunk into the swamp. Oh, that's terrible.
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you so much.
Did you at least receive a Michelin star?

I did. As my restaurant was sinking into the swamp, a shooting beam crossed the night sky, and I squinted in.
It was a Michelin star.

Those are so rare. Yeah.
And they're kind of a gift and a curse, you know? Yes. A gift because I can say I got a Michelin star, but a curse because people just have to kind of take my word.
Right.

Yeah. Yeah.
And as a prisoner, I'm sure that people think you're unreliable. Yeah, but at least, you know, I wasn't visited by fucking Froders.
You know that little kind of hobbit guy, Froders?

I don't believe I'm acquainted with Froeders. He goes to every restaurant.
It's not a... If you're in Froders, if Froeders visits you, it's not a big deal.
Michelin.

If a Michelin star crosses crosses the night sky, that's a big deal. Once, you know, maybe once a year, once every two years,

fair. Froders is an asshole.
So, you still haven't told me why are you in this prison? Oh, uh.

Well, we came here of our own volition. Yes.

When we heard from our friend Drip Fang,

Le Despare, that

who are you acquainted with, I. Oh, yes, I remember Drip Fang.
We were married once. Oh, that's right.
I assumed you were related. You're both sort of snakes.
I'm sorry. Yeah,

it was an unusual pairing, because, you know, normally I'm not attracted to other snake people, but there was just something about him.

He's got a certain something, a little. Yeah, Jennisqua, Genesis Nake Qua.
Genesis.

Yes. So he's made up of a bunch of snakes, and you're a big snake.
Correct. The fact that he's so many snakes, is that kind of like a polyamorous relationship? You know, it's

not, because I was actually married to him and his compatriot at the same time. So I'm very open.
I wouldn't say it was polyamory. It was more of a thruple.
Oh. Is that a polyple?

I guess you know what though? I guess a thrupple is polyamory, but not all polyamory is a thrupple.

But it sounds like that relation, those relationships, that relationship, those relationships,

I'm not sure how you say it with thrupples. It didn't work out.
It didn't work out. Everyone thinks it's going to work out.
And it's just, it's too much homework.

It's too much relationship homework, you know? Sure.

I thought it was going to work out with Jenlevia the Red, the red wizard of nature and nurture. But now she's become an evil warlord like the rest of the wizards, and I'm mad at her.

And I thought it was going to work out with Earwolf, but nothing lasts forever.

Oh, I understand. But you know, love and hate, those emotions are very close.
I don't think so. I hate her, and I'll never love her again, no matter what she says or does.
I don't care.

You know, but love and hate, it's like if you hate someone, it's like you still care about them.

I don't you're wrong. I don't care.
Why do you keep saying that? You know, but it's like the worst thing is not hate, it's indifference. Whoa.
Which is all she has shown to me is indifference.

How that's worse.

And I just thought of one. The opposite of

war is creation. Okay, go off.
I learned that from rent. Oh, yes.
When I pay my rent, my landlords. I don't understand.

Okay. I know what rent is.
Yeah, Chad, we all know what rent is.

When you give coin to someone who owns a domestile. It's a pretty simple concept.
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Everyone, just pause for a second.

I thought your landlord was really philosophical.

It doesn't sound like it's really clicking. So it's my landlord comes once a month.
Your landlord comes? Yeah, once a month. That's not very often.
Better than me at 350.

I'm going to continue to try and really hammer home the idea of rent. And why don't we take another break and we'll be right back with more Fufina.

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All right. All right, John.
Explain it to me one more time. So, you give people money and then they stay at your house?

Yes. So, you know how

maybe song is best to describe rent? Song? I can't imagine anyone singing about such a boring thing. 500 gold coin is what I pay.

Everyone's not really paying attention. I don't understand what he doesn't think we're understanding.
In gold coin, in gold coin, in gold coin, in gold. That's how I pay my rent.

Sorry, I said it four times. That was probably too many times.
This is like the time he tried to explain the concept of cats to us. Yeah, that one's a little more scatter-brained.
Hold on.

Did you say cats?

I despise cats. Oh, I figured you'd like to eat a cat.
I figured you'd be a cat. Oh, absolutely.
They think that they sound like me with all their hissing, but they're wrong.

Oh, I never thought about that. Yeah, snake, a snake goes hiss, but cats can also go hiss.
Supposedly, they do that because of snakes. Everyone says that we're their biggest enemy.

It's a lot of propaganda. Yeah, that is propaganda.
They're stealing it from you. That's not right.
Let's. It's true.

Hey, look, actually, down the hall there, there seems to be a prisoner that's a cat. Let's go.

Should we go do something? Let's go check it out. Let's go check it out.

But let's make sure it's not Corncob the Calico, the cat wizard, that is the warden of this prison.

Ooh.

Well.

It was a cat. Oh, okay, just a cat.

Ooh.

Well, hold on. You stole that from cats.

I don't know. Which came first? The snake with the hairball or the cat with the hairball?

I assume the cats came first. Ah, the cat.
And then the goddesses saw the cat and they thought, what if that cat didn't have any hair and it had no legs and then it had scales?

Wait, are you saying that cats and snakes have a common ancestor?

I think the goddesses created every creature here, the three goddesses that we all worship.

Of course.

Although I don't know your religious beliefs, perhaps you believe something else. You know what? I respect everyone's religious beliefs.
That's another myth about me.

Everybody keeps spreading these rumors that I'm intolerant.

Why do you think they keep spreading those rumors? I don't know.

I don't like it.

I am very tolerant of all different religions, species,

peoples, magic abilities. It sounds like there's a concerted and predetermined plan to

smear your good name, Fufina. Conspiracy.
A conspiracy. Conspiracy.
Akons.

Spiracy. Conspiracy.
Conspiracy. And as your favorite pet, I shall route out this conspiracy and find out who wishes to speak ill of you.
Wait a minute. Arnie didn't say conspiracy.
Oh, sorry.

Conspiracy. Okay, he checks out.
Never mind. I appreciate that.
Your Majesty, do you have any suspects that we should first go and find?

I think everyone is a suspect.

Arnie, Trunt, I accuse you.

Wait, both of us? I think you've been spreading rumors about about Fufina, trying to make her seem intolerant and cruel. I'd eat you, but I just had a meal.

I mean, I do like to talk shit in general, but I just met Fufina. Who doesn't? You know what I mean?

This is so fun. Like, hey, hold on, just a second.

Chunt Usidor, I need to talk to Foofs for just a second. All right.
Well, I was in accusing you of something, but I'll walk away.

Foofs.

These other two fucking suck. Uh-oh.
That's not good. Arnie, should I walk away too? Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Nothing worse than being caught. Nothing.
Oh, that's bracing.

You're talking about them like you hate them, but you're friends with them, aren't you? I am. I love them dearly.
I love them more than I love anybody in this prison.

That's interesting because you know you're only as good as the friends you keep. Oh, shit.
Were you aware of that thing?

Your friends suck, Arnie.

But you know what you have each other so you can all suck together Okay,

okay,

you can all suck each other, you know

Yeah, well should I stay over here? It's on the table. You know everything's on the table in prison.
It's just a free-for-all in here. All right.

Are we being mean to you, Sidor or should we let him come back and accuse us and try to get us killed?

Yeah, he looks sad. Come on, buddy, come back over.
He can accuse you, but like I said, I'm not going to eat you because I just ate.

But I'll keep you around, maybe next week. Guys, remember, in one week, run.

Set your calendars.

So you're saying, like, near the end of next week's episode, we should remember to run. Yeah, I might sh just show up.
We also have to remember to remind that guy to take out his trash.

So take out the trash. Episode, run.

Jason.

Huh? I'm Chunt. No, Jason.
We have to remember. My name is Chunt.
Is this another prisoner that you're talking about? Oh, or someone on the outside?

Just someone imprisoned by the weekly task of having to remember to take the garbage out. Oh, yeah, what a bummer.
I know. Reminds me.

We don't do that in Spartania either. Everything is compostable.
Oh. Yes, they live in accordance with the rules of the jungle.

They live a life that is intertwined with the natural surroundings that they find themselves in. Yes,

quite a bit about us for someone who's not a snake person.

I am a great wizard who has traveled all over Foon, and I know of all the creatures, great and small, who inhabit it.

Oh, but speaking of creatures, do any of you have anyone on the outside that's missing you right now?

Who, who wants to go through the list of guests? Um, starting in episode one, I guess episode one was with three of us. That's just a three of us.
Then we had Tom the Traveler.

He's mad at us, right? Flowers, Larry. Flowers Flowers are probably mad at us.

Larry Birdman's probably not mad at us.

He might miss us, but he probably isn't thinking about us. He's probably not.
He's probably indifferent, which is the worst one, right? Yeah, we do.

We learned that from Fufina. What about sweet little Momo? She probably misses us.

She's probably busy doing her spin-off in the tavern. All right.

I think what I meant was, like,

spawn. Do you have any little spawn running around? Oh.

Little, you know, spawn babies?

Well, I uh I did have a sidekick many years ago called Kid Usidor. We just recently realized, like, we don't know what the hell happened to him.
Arnie, your eyes lit up when she said babies spawn.

You wrote it down and said, email comic books? Yes, I was like, get this to Todd McFarlane. One time I cut my fingers and they turned into little Usidors.
You know, I've laid many an egg in my day.

Oh. But I don't miss any of them.
They grew up so fast.

Oh, so your mother as well is a princess. Yes.

I had no idea.

Did you ever see any of your children? No.

You know, I ate a few of them when they were born, just because I didn't feel like they were going to make it. Yeah, sure.
Wait, hold on.

I was only half paying attention, so apologies if I misunderstood this part.

You said your mother is a princess? Your mother wasn't a queen? Are you talking to me? Yeah. No, I said I had

laid an egg in my day. Oh, I see.
I thought you sort of of said that your mother was a princess. I don't know.

I mean, at one time, yes. Weren't all queens princesses? Your mother was a princess, became the queen, had you, you became the princess.
That's correct. Thank you so much.

I'm glad we fixed the hierarchy.

Okay, fine. Eat me first.
You have to wait a week. I'll put you on the list.

Ooh, Arnie's on the list. Arnie, that could also be a t-shirt.
Eat me first.

Okay, against my better judgment, I'm going to update my t-shirt in the TeePublic store to say, eat me first.

No one's going to buy it, but if you do buy it, take a picture. It'll last longer.
Send it to your senator. If past is prologue, I think six people will buy it.
Okay. Sounds about right.
On par.

So that will be updated in the TeePublic store. We don't have to update any of the other shirts, but do either of you want to update? Yeah, I want one that says, um, oh boy, what did I say?

Ask me about my buttholes. Okay.

Ass. Ass, ASS?

Um, I think so. Okay.

Uh, Fufina, do you want a shirt in the store? Oh, I don't wear clothing.

Oh, I can't. Oh, my gosh.
You know what? I started to look up when you said keep looking up. I stopped right at your navel.
I just looked up further. Gag, goi.
Eyes down here. Oh, sorry.

Let me put them back down. Okay.
But your eyes are down where?

Just down.

Princess, I had a...

Question, it's a little embarrassing because if I'm wrong, I feel pretty stupid, but is it true that you're kind, when you coil yourself around someone, that person has to tell the truth?

Yes, that's not a myth. Whoa.

That's true. Do you want to try it out?

Yeah.

Yeah, wrap up, Arnie. I'm usually pretty honest, but sure.

Oh, Chunt, what should we ask him now? Oh, should we see, like, if he's really bad at math, like, ask him two plus two and see if he's been lying this whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I so hope I'm not forced to accidentally admit I think these guys fucking suck. Okay, Arnie.
It's time to face some truths. You know, Usador and I have been two of your closest quote-unquote friends.

But what's two plus two? Is there a prison inside of you?

The answer is the same for both. I don't know.
Checks out. All right.

That can't be a lie. Thank you, Fufina.

No problem.

Well, I don't know that Fufina if you're going to be to help us escape, but you certainly can give us some succor while we are here and some peace of mind as we act as thine pets

and curl around thee to give your body the warmth that we no longer need and shed it off unto thee. Oh, good.
And I'll also send you on some dastardly deeds about the prison to keep you busy.

Oh, it's nice to have projects. Sure.

What sort of dastardly deeds? I'm not nothing. You know, stealing people's toothbrushes and

small things that they think that they misplaced somewhere and, you know, just gaslighting them.

That's despicable.

You shall ne'er commit such an evil deed. Wait, Arnie, isn't this the exact plot to what you called the borrowers? Yes.
You said it was like an Earth family or something? Mm-hmm.

I think we have definitely seen.

That sounds super. Uh, Fofina, well, absolutely complete your little quests as your pets.
Um, do you think they could probably last 35 to 40 minutes for like spin-off material?

I don't understand what you mean.

He just wants to know if these quests are uh have enough meat on the bow for us to do a whole episode about them. I see what you're saying.
Um, yeah, I mean, it's up to you. I'll you know what?

I give you the freedom to decide how long you gaslight and how long you pillage.

That's what I do for my minions.

I am not just your boss, I'm your friend.

That's right. We're a family here, remember? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I feel like I'm not just maximum security prison.
It's a family. I can't wait until it's my turn to be devoured by Fufina.

I just keep staring into her eyes as they spin around.

And I feel like I want to do whatever she tells me to do. Yeah, I feel really good about Fufina.
And I just saw the contract she has for our little side quests.

If we collect 100 toothbrushes, we get paid one-tenth of one toothbrush yeah and if you tell your friends then you know you can be a boss oh wow

like if you get other people under you to do side quests now hang on hmm

last week we got suckered into a deal

why are there so many mlms in this prison i'm trying to offload these socks And this tomorrow horse. It's tomorrow's horse today.

I can't move any of this shit. So it sounds like you don't want to be your own boss.
Ah, son of a bitch.

Don't you want to be free from constraints? I'd love to be free from constraints. The shackles of established con

capitalism. Oh no, I thought we were in a prison for villains, but it's worse than I thought.
Are we in a prison for entrepreneurs? I mean, aren't those the biggest villains? Kind of. Wow.
Hot take.

Fufina, would you mind? Is it okay if.

I know I'm your minion now,

is it alright if we answer an email? Yes, please. All right.
Listeners, you can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address.

Or even better, you can join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. You get so much great bonus content, and you can also email us directly there.

Here's an email we received recently. Hello, Arnie, Chunt, Usidor, and guests.
For quite a while, I've been using one of Usidor's names as a pet name for my spouse.

At least it used to be the one of his names until he let an inventory imp eat it on a recent episode. So while none of you remember it, my partner is now the only one with that name.

Usidor always says, names have power. So I was wondering what this means for her.
Am I married to a blue wizard now?

If she's going to inherit magical powers, some pointers from Usidor would be appreciated. Thank you and keep up the good work.
Your boon companion, Buff E. Stott, They Them.
Southern Wisconsin.

Nice try, but you're not taking my powers that easily. Get over yourself.

I don't know what name you're talking about, but I find this highly suspect that I eh would have given up one of my closely held titles. They also seemingly wanted your fingers.

Give me a few pointers? Oh, disgusting. Yeah, I'm not going to go into all the emails we have, people asking for your fingers.
I mean, I have all my favorite names.

I'm still Soda Pop and Daddy, Solomander Pondu, Mr. Yuagi, Stinklefeather Wizardbeard.
These can't be right.

Johan Sebastian Bacharach, Papa Mache, Pee-Pee-Poo, Lucy Usie, Dale Sprinkle Sleeves, Robert Evans, Anthony Donwalker. This makes me think you did give away some of your names because these ones suck.

Now, Chud, one of those names you gave me yourself, Leverly Biangelo.

That was pretty good.

Pretty good. I remember the inventory imp, I just can't remember the name.
It's as if it's been erased from my mind. If this is true, which I am

highly doubtful about, I wish he'd just taken baggle me fingies.

Fufina, um, obviously you're uh royalty, you're a princess, but if you, not that you ever would be, if you were someone else's pet, what, uh, do you have a pet name that you would like to be called?

Jungle Skunk.

You had that

already.

Wow. Yeah, teed up and everything.
I was called that for a while. Oh.
When I was younger. Hmm.
Jungle Skunk. I like that a lot.
A lost love, perhaps?

Yes. I don't like to go into it because I don't like having feelings.
Oh,

she probably ate. She probably ate him.
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Or them. Yeah, I ate him.
Yeah.

I don't even remember what their pronouns were so long ago. Yeah.
You ate the bones. I think it's safe to say you ate the bones.

I think, I mean, I don't discriminate, you know, I just oh one big chump one, one big chump, one big chump.

Speaking of one big chump, Arnie, any other emails?

Yeah, thousands that I haven't responded to. Um,

I actually have another email if you'd like to hear it. No, please.

This comes from our direct messages on Patreon. It says, Hey, our knee spelled O-U-R-K-Space K-N-E-E.

I'm just curious to know if you've ever actually seen Usador manipulate any magical delights. No.

I do happen to have a couple of magical delights that I would love to have manipulated if he is available. Thanks.
And that was from Jason. Mm.

Jason, this is the same Jason who we need to remind about his garbage every week. There could be a

unusual name. Why is this guy getting so much airtime? I don't know.
And again, like I said, we get so many messages, people begging for your fingers. Wait a minute.
Arnie, answer the question.

Have you ever seen Yusador perform a magical delight? No. Fufina, wrap around him.
I have seen him perform a couple afternoon delights on accident when I walked in on him.

Okay, that was the true part. Oh, okay.

Dare you say you've never seen me manipulate magical delights? All I do is wonderful magic.

Oh, he kind of took out scissors, cut a folded piece of paper, and then opened the paper, and it was like a bunch of children holding hands. Snowflake.
He cut it very fast, though. That is impressive.

Super fast. Oh, wait, don't yank that table.
Oh, he yanked that tablecloth and all the

silverware

shattered everywhere.

We spent so much

setting up this elaborate

dinner service. Let me try it on the table next to it.
Let me try the other table. Oh, no.

And

oh, this time the tablecloth shattered. Oh, yeah.
Fuck.

Very brittle. Very brittle.
Yeah, unexpected. There goes that fancy restaurant we were trying to set up in our prison cell.

Son of a bitch.

Maybe the fancy restaurant was the friends we made along the... No, it's been 10 years.
The friends we made along the way are long gone. I...
Envy them.

I thought this was over, but apparently we're updating the shirts in the TeePublic store again. Between this and my consulting on picking a new Pope, change is in the air.

Now, the Arnie shirt reads, Eat Me First. The Chunt shirt reads, Ask Me About My Buttholes.

Both shirts, along with other less horrible Magic Tavern shirts, are currently available in the TeePublic store. Go on, buy one.
I dare you. Link in the show notes.

Use It All the Wizard was brought to life by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was fully and artfully realized by Adol Rafi.
Fufina the Snake Princess was played by special guest Sejil Joshi.

Sejil teaches improv at the Annoyance Theater in Chicago and performs with the Improvise Shakespeare Company.

And don't ask how I know this, but once while on tour with the Second City National Touring Company, Sejil was the only one to follow the script while her castmates cowered in the shadows, and the end result was Sejil shouting, Choose, to a room full of confused Long Island theatergoers.

Let it never be said that Sejil Joshi doesn't know how to commit.

To learn more about Princess Fufina and her romantic dalliances with Dripfang and the Baron, check out her appearances on the Magic Tavern spin-off Masters of Mayhem, available on the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Please note, Masters of Mayhem, not entertainment. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

And if you sign up directly on the website instead of the Apple Patreon app, you can avoid any extra Apple fees. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Speaking of Garrett, with the third season of the Wheel of Time television series concluding, so has his unofficial, unsanctioned, unbelievable reaction podcast.

Garrett and super friends Adam and Faye deliver deserved praise and fair justice on a property that they, and a bunch of the internet, have strong feelings about.

Listen to The Wheel of Time Show about the Wheel of Time Show wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, I get it, a wheel that revolves.
Similar to how I have to keep talking about this over and over again.

All episodes available now. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alaird LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.