Season 5, Ep 53 - Prison Freshgrave Twins (w/ Jessica McKenna & Zach Reino)

You walk in tired and hungry.

One bad dinner away from losing it.

You don't like to cook.

You don't want more takeout.

You just want something good.

That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron.

Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors from fridge to fork in five minutes or less.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but it is coming to you right now, featuring a bunch of hosts, a guest or two, strange plot twists, the bare amount of listening skills, and musical guest, Enya.

I don't know, this doesn't feel right.

I think my chance to become the announcer for SNL may have passed, especially while I insist on going to bed at 8.45.

So sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

We've been doing this for 10 years, but now we're in prison.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and a couple months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Topless Tower, a maximum security prison for villains run by wizards in the Magical Land of Foon.

and i'm joined as always by my bunk mates we're in this cell together shunt the talking badger 98 99

100 wow yeah oh sorry earnie sorry i was just getting a little workout in

towel snap

ouch oh my butt sorry about that uh hee hee he why did you start at 98 well cuz i don't know Okay.

And to be clear, you were doing push-ups, right?

Well, no.

Because I, whenever you start counting...

We all saw what he was doing.

No, whenever he starts counting, I look away because I have fallen into this trap before.

I was guessing Yusador's age.

98, 99, 100.

Not even close.

Okay, had to try.

Towel snap to Yusador.

Stop snapping our butts.

Guys, we've been in this prison for a while, and we've really...

We've learned about the stark realities of living in a prison run by wizards, and it's something that someone really needs to do something about.

But I'm kind of happy that this is our last week week in the Topless Tower as we bring Evil April to an end.

I think after this episode, we should just magic ourselves out and we'll eventually do something to stop the wizard so this prison thing goes away.

Yeah.

We'll build some sort of machine or something that'll handle it, right?

Yeah.

We always do.

Yeah.

Usidor.

Build a machine?

When did we ever do that?

Didn't we really?

That's what you do, right?

You built.

That's your wizard power.

It's building machines.

What?

I didn't know that.

You Sidor.

Come on.

Really?

You don't remember that?

Season six or seven?

Wasn't there like

a bunch of horses went crazy and then we built that big machine to like, I don't know, catch all the horses or something?

Am I crazy?

I better find some gears and some cogs.

I'll be right back.

They even have like a mallet, a pulley, a lever.

So, Chun, it's a weird thing to say, but like, you're looking good.

Oh, thank you.

Why is that?

Prison agrees with you.

Okay, all right.

Guilty.

Um, why is that weird to say, Arnie?

Mmm, I don't know.

I guess I don't want to make it seem like being in prison has been a positive thing because it has been grueling and bad for a couple of weeks.

And I'm glad we're only doing it for a couple of weeks.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, the main struggle is cooking all this food, right?

I know, in our toilet.

Which you don't have to do.

But I don't want to whine.

I don't want to toilet wine the whole time.

It is, you know, it is a job, so that's fine.

I keep telling you, Chunt, we work in the kitchen.

We spend most of our day in the kitchen.

When we get back to the cell, why are you cooking food in the toilet?

What else can we do, right?

It's like a little cauldron.

It's like a, you know, a white little cauldron.

Arnie, and I gotta say, you look great as well.

Oh, well, thank you.

I've been getting my steps.

I'm walking to Mordor.

How much more do you have to go?

Oh,

well, let me open the app and see.

I have done a lot of steps, but according to this app, Mordor is pretty far away.

Yeah.

According to this, I will, my, and this is true, my estimated arrival time is May 15th, 2027.

That's when I will arrive in mortar.

Whoa.

And is that when the podcast is?

Guest the podcast, everybody.

Arnie, we got to do something.

We got to celebrate.

We got to do something.

I know.

And to be clear, I've been walking more than usual lately.

I've been walking around the yard, getting in my steps.

I know what we're going to do.

I'm going to make a toilet cake.

Arnie, this calls for a toilet cake.

I guess I have earned it.

Let me grab some flour and milk.

It is my cheek day.

A little sugary.

I think this can can be the center of a fulcrum.

Oh, can.

That's right, can.

We should get can to get us out of here.

I could do it.

All right, guys, we've been

we're kind of starting to like go at each other.

We we've been in this cell a little too long today.

One of the weird things about this prison is we can kind of leave our cell whenever we want to.

Well, uh, some people can leave their cells.

Say they have jobs, they need to go to the library or the laundry.

Yeah, but there's a dark, deep pit where the most awful criminals are kept under constant watch.

Have you been down to that section yet?

Is that like the whaling wing or something like that?

I don't remember what it's called.

Yes, indeed, the whaling wing.

Sure, that'll do.

Well, is that where we want to go?

Because I was thinking about going by like the welcome area.

Oh, yeah, we should go to the welcome area where they have like shirts and merch and well the whaling wing's right on the way to the welcome area, so we can stop by.

Alright, yeah.

I think there's a little stamp we can get.

Like, if we have like a little booklet, we can get a stamp.

Oh!

Do we just get that one stamp?

Are there stamps we can collect from around the prison?

I think there are stamps all around the prison we can collect.

What a fun little thing.

There are fun little mouse heads hidden around everywhere, too.

Just literally the heads of mice.

Oh, yeah, something's decapitating mice in there.

Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man.

But that's the thing.

I've seen a lot of full mice, and I've seen a lot of mouse heads, but I have not seen any mouse bodies.

Wow.

Maybe something's eating the bodies, popping off the heads, drinking the bodies,

drinking.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Huh.

You sort of didn't see me.

I mean, I'm making machines and we're drinking mice.

I'm confused tonight.

Well, then I shouldn't tell you that I joined Club 33.

What's that?

It's 80,000 gold a year, but

I get to have cocktails.

In Britain?

Yes.

Okay.

I thought this whole place is no alcohol.

Well, not unless you join Club 33, my good sir.

I thought if you let anyone have alcohol in this place, it would go crazy.

There's a place where you can have alcohol in this prison?

Well, then let's head down to the welcome area and we'll all join up, okay?

Come on, let's go.

All right, let me just open the door here.

All right.

See, it's easy enough to get to the welcome area.

You just go past this wing, which is the whaling wing, as we already established.

Mouse head.

Mouse head.

So, what kind of people do they keep in the whaling wing?

Because there's so many villains everywhere.

Only the worst villains.

Those who are going to be sent to an even worse prison once they get it built.

Or those who are scheduled to for a final termination.

Oh.

Sorry, a final what?

A final termination.

It sounds like you're having trouble saying termination in that tone of voice.

Does it?

A little bit.

Alright, I'm so sorry.

Let me try.

I'll just, you do it, yeah.

A final termination.

It is, there's something about it.

Seemed like you struggled with it more than I did.

Mouse heads, mouse heads.

There's a mouse head right there.

Ugh, somebody mouse heads.

Alright, welcome center.

Alright, let's open the double doors here.

I'm sorry.

You'll have to tell me again.

What is a Fernet?

I've told you, it's just something that you can drink.

It's not a thing, it's a thing to drink.

But what is it?

Why would I there is no is, it just is a for it is no a fornette.

It is fernet.

Fernet.

Fernet.

Well, I'm going back for a different cocktail because whatever it is in this one, I don't like it.

I told you you wouldn't like it, but you liked that the Barmin like it, and you said if the barman like it, then I will surely like it.

But I told you.

Well, if it's good enough for the barman, then it's good enough for me.

No,

hey, I recognize these two.

It's been a while, but excuse me.

Hello, fools.

Ah, it's three fools who dared to step in front of Snake and Schneesse Fresh Grave.

Hello, three fools.

Oh!

The Fresh Grave Twins!

The very same.

The Fresh Twins.

Graduates of Gizzlknob Sorcerer's Academy.

Oh, congratulations on the graduation.

I should get you a book or something.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it doesn't matter.

I'll make you a toilet cake.

Toilet cake?

I would love a toilet cake.

I'll have a toilet cake.

All right.

See, Arnie.

I don't want to share a toilet cake with Snake and I would like my own toilet cake.

I will have a separate toilet cake.

Can I ask, you two are twins and seemingly hate that you have to experience everything together?

Why don't you go off on your own?

Because together we have a source of great and numerous powers.

So it would, yes, it is both a blessing and a burden to be a fresh grave twin.

A fresh grave twin.

It's sort of hard to say in that tone of voice.

A fresh grave twin grave twin.

Let me do some of my vocal warm-ups.

Warm-ups.

A final termination.

A final termination.

Oh, yes.

A final termination.

A final termination.

A final termination for a fresh grave twin.

A final termination for a fresh grave twin who has been fitted out with Furnet.

Okay, good.

Hello, you fools.

Oh, how dare you call us fools?

I believe the last time we saw you, you were living at home.

Yes, and now we're living here, awaiting trial.

A bit of a come-up for the fresh grave twins.

Haha, no longer are we awaiting on our mamma and our papa.

Now we await only for trial.

Oh.

What have you been up to?

I mean, you've always been kind of nasty, but I never thought of you as full-on villains.

No, and surely we are not.

This is a sham, and we are very, very, quite, quite innocent.

Which all should be revealed in trial.

And actually, we're sort of excited for the PR opportunity.

It's going to be the trial of the millennia, and everyone is going.

It's going to be just an excellent opportunity for us to get the word out about what we've been up to.

This is gonna go so great for the fresh grave twins.

We're probably gonna end up on dancing in the stars.

You know, once a night when those comets come through and you get to dance on them.

Oh, everyone has to look because it takes up

most of your field of view in the sky.

Oh, it's Arnie, you have to watch.

It's amazing.

I mean, sometimes

they'll pair people with a lot of mittens players, and that's always kind of like awkward because you're like, yes, I always have to wait for the mittens players to like get out of dancing on the stars.

You know, okay, fine, they're here for the beginning.

That's sweet.

The first time they put a mittens player, and I thought, oh, novel.

And after that, I'm like, honestly, we get it.

One mittens player, another mittens player, we get it.

The thing is, is that they don't have rhythm.

They might be able to learn the mechanics of how to dance in a star, but they'll never know how to dance on a star.

Do you know?

It's more about rhythm than strength.

Sorry, I'm joking on Frenette.

She's not my drink.

I told you to get something else.

Well, it's very bitter and herbal.

Yes, you would think for 80,000 gold a year you could have whatever you want.

You have enough money to be in the 33 Club?

Oh,

quite.

Yeah, several times over.

Oh.

We've been very successful entrepreneurs since you last saw us and we left the fair halls of Chiselknob.

Picture us, Snake and Schneessa Fresh Grave.

I don't have to.

I'm looking right at you.

Okay, sure.

No, but picture us.

But picture us.

Okay, all right.

Picture us the same.

Do we need to close?

Should we close our eyes?

Yeah, close your eyes.

However, you picture best.

Okay.

If you can do it by just softening your gaze, that's fine.

If you need to cover your eyes with your hands.

I'm going to soften.

But if you're looking at me while I'm talking, then you're not accurately seeing in your mind's eye, which is what we need you to do.

Right, you're right.

I'll use my hands.

Thank you.

Picture ass, Snake and Renessa, fresh grape, walking out of Giselnard

Academy into the world then.

Sad for them, into their parents' house for a time, but what's this?

Now they're exiting their parents' house into the wider world with an idea, but also a dilemma.

Has this ever happened to you?

Tell me, fools, has this ever happened to you?

You share a power bond that started to influence your life in negative ways.

It's both a blessing and a curse because it gives you great power, but at the same same time, you feel everything down the bond of the twin who you're magically connected with.

Has this ever happened to you, fools?

Hey, has this ever happened to you, fools?

You coming into sexual maturity and you don't want to feel your twin having sex, and so you need a way to stop that power bond without severing it permanently.

Has this ever happened to you?

Or perhaps it's not that specific power, but perhaps you have a power to be shapeshifting all the time and it gets you into more trouble than it's worth.

Maybe every once in a while you just wish the power would stop.

Has this ever happened to you?

This has happened to me.

This has happened to me.

Has this ever happened to you?

You hate feeling the burden of a weak, weak Wi-Fi signal that makes you feel a pole of a world you've left behind and you wish you could pause the feel of the signal even for a short time.

Has this ever happened to you?

I mean some of those words have happened to me.

Has this ever happened to you?

You are a wizard of incredible power and such the burden of saving the world falls to you repetitively over and over and over again and yet the people nearest you don't understand

Well then, fools, you might be interested in a certain cocktail that isn't for net.

No, it's it's a cocktail that's perfect.

It's power paws powder.

Can you say that again, Shananessa?

Did you say power paws powder?

You know I did, Snake, and I said power paws powder made from the heads of mice and other magics

when did they put on three-piece suits made from the heads of mice and put the bodies somewhere out of sight

how important is that part of the process putting the mouse bodies out of set power paws powder power paws powder make it from the heads of mice put the bodies out of sight oh what we're offering you is yes the powder the powder you could buy today but also a very exciting opportunity to become your very own powder ambassador

that's right arnus or i know this sounds great, but listen, this is probably available at any time, so we can circle back to this in a couple years or something.

So.

No, supplies are limited, and they're only available for this week.

Oh, Arnie, I have to become an ambassador.

Right now, we have such a great opportunity to buy into our stores because we're here in jail awaiting trial, the trial of the century, they say.

And in this short opportunity, we're willing to sell off some of our personal powder so that you may be an ambassador underneath us.

Both of us only have a few spaces left in our downstream, but we'll be willing to give those to people that we trust so that they too can give the joy and the power of Power Paw's powder to the greater Foon.

Now I'm very interested in becoming an ambassador.

Yes, poor.

But I would be uh neglectful if I didn't ask of what crime are you accused?

Ah, yes.

Well, you see, s not our, no one in our direct downstream, but someone in the downstream of our downstream of our downstream of our downstream.

Imagine the base of a triangular building.

They did not give the proper instructions on how to mix Power Paws powder.

They didn't include a head of mice, a rest of body out of sight.

Because if you don't put the rest of the body out of sight, it is in fact quite poisonous.

Poisonous.

Someone has died, and we are being held responsible, even though, as we said, it is many downstreams from us.

And we always tell all of our beautiful clients of the Power Paws Powder family how to properly mix and attenuate their powers.

So it's ridiculous.

Oh, it's a family.

Yes, fool.

Yes.

Imagine reimagining your whole life.

You could do it, fool boss.

Fool boss?

You could be your own fool boss.

You could be a fool boss.

Whoa.

We won't gatekeep this, fool boss.

FB.

Oh, and look, they have a chalkboard that says A B M.

Always beheading mice.

That's right.

That's right.

Always beheading mice.

Always be putting the bodies out of sight.

If mixed correctly, Power Paws Powder will put a pause on your power so that you can be the best you, and then you can give that gift to other people.

And all it takes is a small investment for you of 20,000 gold to start you as your own Power Paws Powder ambassador.

On e-truck, I desperately want to be an ambassador.

Just load me the 20,000 and let me join right now.

I want this Power Paws powder.

But first, let's pause the podcast for an advertisingal break.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know, we all have people in our lives we go to for advice.

A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

But when it comes to stuff like anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers.

Instead, get guidance from a credentialed therapist online with BetterHelp.

Therapy has been hugely beneficial for me in my life.

It's helped me better understand myself, have better perspective on my problems.

And if you've been thinking about therapy, I encourage you to do so.

And BetterHelp could be a great option.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

And it's completely online.

You can pause your subscription whenever you need to and switch therapists anytime at no extra cost.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash magic.

That's betterhelp h-e-l-p.com slash magic.

So, Schneik and Schnanessa.

Audi.

Yes, fool.

This sounds pretty appealing, but...

Right.

I do want to know a little bit more about your streams.

Absolutely.

Who's in your streams?

And how big are your streams?

Well, this is what's thrilling is, yes, we have streams, but Arnie, wouldn't you love to have a stream of your own?

Sure.

Okay, so we have basically our whole class from Jizzlenob in our stream.

Wow.

They were easy gets.

They didn't want to be in their parents' house either.

They were looking for sort of that first way to make any income at all.

I don't know if you know this, but about the time that we graduated from Chiselknob, the economy just absolutely tanked.

A really terrible time to look for your first job.

Really bad.

Yeah, the shattering kind of hurt the economy.

Yes.

Yes, yes, the very same.

So

we have tons of Chiselknob, highly trained wizard ambassadors out there who understand how nice it is to occasionally pause your power.

They might not have the immediate version of the story of need that Snake and I had, which was either to sever a great power or feel our twin having sex.

You know, you know, it was a tough call, but for us, they might not have the exact same story, but we found that actually everyone had this same desire to pause the weight of power that they feel, even if for a short time.

And you can make your mixture, you could take it in the morning, you could put it in a smoothie, you can sprinkle it atop an acai bowl, you can, uh, it comes with its own water bottle that has the great triple P logo on the side.

So you can, everywhere you go, you can be casually ambassadoring.

And so then from there, let's see.

I do like to do things casually.

Yes, it's very casual.

Someone would say it's the most chill-laid-back way to make money.

Oh, I like that.

It's basically passive income because everyone is just dying to get their hands on this PowerPause powder, even though it does technically make you dead for a time, and that's how it makes your power pause, which is sort of the general

focus of the trial for which we are scheduled.

Right.

So it's normally it makes you dead for a short time.

Right.

But when you mix it wrong.

But you can still go about and do your things.

You're just technically dead.

Ah.

Undead?

In the most literal sense, you have ceased to

exist, I would say.

Okay.

But you can still sort of like, you know, go on a picnic, walk, yes.

Have sex with a stranger or loved one.

I'm sure you can all think of people in your life right now where you're like, it's almost like they're not even there.

That's what happens

when you're not existing on the powder.

And then, unfortunately, yes, if mixed without the head of a mice, rest of body out of sight, then you could perish in a real way.

A more perfectation tabulation.

A more ultimate trepersuation.

Yeah, a more ultimate, ultimate tremolo, a sort of ultimatum.

A final destination beep beep.

A sort of final destination for me too, final destination.

But after we recruited our entire class of Jizzleknob, then they recruited people from their hometown,

stay-at-home moms, teachers that they had lost contact with,

and we actually haven't had to do much because we get a piece of their piece of their piece of their piece.

Which is why this opportunity is so exciting because you're not even in the stream of the stream of the stream.

You would be directly in awe downstream.

Oh.

Chunt, you have to become an ambassador so that I can so that you can recruit Arnie and I can join his stream.

Oh, I want to so bad.

I know.

Do you guys know Chugi Knight?

Chugi Knight joined and I know that they have that live, laugh, Lance tapestry.

Oh, it's just, they're so happy.

The only problem is, I used to worry about Arnie, I spent my last 80,000 gold on Club 33, and I don't think they do refunds.

All right, let me see how much gold I've got.

I guess that's why we're able to be in this room at all.

Yeah.

Oh, actually, I don't know if I can have friends.

What?

I don't see anybody guarding the door, so I guess it's okay.

Don't worry.

I'll build a machine that would let us all in.

Nice.

We accidentally told him he does something, and now he's trying to do it.

Ah, yes, fool.

So it sounds like this is actually kind of an easy business thing because I just include my friends.

Like, I just sell things to my friends and people I know.

I wouldn't do it with your friends who you want to sort of survive the next decade.

Or the friends that you like really...

I'm not gonna lie, it does put a sort of burden on the relationship.

I would look for fools, for fools to do it and be in your stream.

I do know a couple fools.

There you go.

Perfect.

Perfect.

And the thing about fools is they always think they're not the fool.

And then their fool finds their fool and suddenly, yes, fool, you're a fool, boss.

Yes, I mean, it's tricky because if you also are recruiting within the same friend fool, then you might, you know, be trying to sell to a fool who's your friend, but they're actually already an ambassador too.

And, you know, you'll close out that circle a little too soon, fool.

Oh, that might be a problem for us because we have the same fool pool.

I know.

Oh, that's tough.

So I would recommend that perhaps at this juncture only one of you take the leap for the buy-in,

and you can help.

You won't make as much money, but you can take on, you can take on the material costs on your own,

split them amongst yourselves.

And if you want, then we can do one of you with the Power Paws powder, and we could start one of the others of you on one of our other companies.

Wait, wait, are there other opportunities?

Snaking, no, do you think?

Wait, I'm so sorry.

Would you give us a moment to talk as twins?

Of course.

Snaking,

I don't know.

I don't know if these fools are quite ready for that other big opportunity.

We're clearly privy to a conversation we shouldn't be privy to.

Yeah, we gotta listen to this very closely.

Shnanessa, this other product sells itself.

I've never seen a more capable group of fools who would be perfect for this opportunity.

But Snakeen, I'm afraid that these three might be even better at selling this product than us.

And we have been enjoying so many of the layer perks.

Perks we receive when we hit different layers.

Oh.

Well, if it's good enough for us, then surely we should extend this benefit to these foo close friends of ours, for they would be able to benefit greatly from the easy, easy job of selling beautiful leggings from our other company, beautiful leggings.

Oh, snake and do you think we should?

I don't know.

You're probably right.

It's too dangerous.

Any, Arnie, Arnie, come here, quick, come here, come here, quick, quickly.

Now look, they said that the fool doesn't usually think he's the fool.

So since I'm not a fool, I should join and be the one who leads the ambassadorship.

One of you can sell the the power pause powder, and I'll sell the leggings.

Listen, fools, we couldn't help but be privy to a conversation we shouldn't have been.

And yes, now you're thinking like a true team.

Perhaps only one of you sells beautiful leggings, the most beautiful leggings you've ever seen, with tapestries that change to theme with whatever holiday we're celebrating.

Oh,

that's right.

Picture this.

Close your eyes.

Should we close your eyes?

Only if you need to.

If some of you could do soft focus, you're welcome.

Okay, I went to my mind castle.

Good.

Picture this: it's holiday.

And you wish you had your favorite character celebrating holiday

on a pair of beautiful leggings.

Has this ever happened to you?

Has this ever happened to you?

You've gone downstairs where your whole family is celebrating holidays.

But no one's in a festive mood.

Oh, that's happened to me.

Yeah.

You could change it quickly by giving the gift of beautiful leggings, themed for any holiday, showing many of your favorite

characters.

You open this.

What's this?

It's favorite character.

I've never felt more seen by you, who knows me so well, with this gift of favorite character beautiful leggings.

Wow, this lack of specificity is letting me put in my own things into those blank spaces.

I could have pizza skull on leggings all the way up to my assholes.

Oh, Mama, you are so hard to buy for.

I always have a hard time when it's holiday.

But look, I've thought of the most perfect gift.

It's a reoccurring pattern.

Sort of an Escherd-like painting that is of your favorite food.

You could wear these year-round.

Wouldn't you like favorite food all over your leggings?

Wow, Chuck, that's both your favorite character and your favorite food.

I know.

Wow, this gift of favorite food on leggings has made me precious memory that I will keep for forever.

Thank you, family member.

You're welcome.

And thank you, beautiful ladies.

And scene.

Has this ever happened to you, fools?

I guess it has.

Yes, exactly.

I often, uh,

back when we lived in Hogsface, the first couple of years Arnie was there, I would come down for the winter solstice holidays from mine room.

Or and I would show him, it's it's Chris must.

Don't you want to celebrate the day that Chris must do all the things we tell him to do?

And he would be like, What the hell are you talking about?

But if I had had stockings where Chris's face would appear, a favorite character.

Oh, then certainly Arnie would have felt that festive spirit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who hold on.

I think this one might be perfect for me because one, I'm really bad at giving gifts, and two,

because I'm adult, I prefer every article of clothing to have a favorite character on it.

Ah, that sounds like you could be a beautiful ambassador for beautiful leggings.

And here's the thing, Arnie.

Would you believe that Snake and I have an entire old wooden shack full of leggings we have chosen not to sell?

An entire old wooden shack?

We have a full old wooden shack that we can sell.

It hasn't burned down at all?

Not at all.

Not an ember.

And we have been sitting on it for years while it accrues value and must.

Oh, oh, so these socks have matured?

These are such mature socks.

What you have to know about the sock market is that you don't want to immediately sell all of your beautiful leggings.

You want to sit on them until they mature.

Be careful with there's too many options with socks.

You need fewer options than just long maturing the socks.

And that's what we have, an old wooden shack.

Arnie, there was once a Black Friday where everyone bought black socks and everyone was like, ooh, it's really hot out and the black socks are sort of absorbing all the heat and it just hurt.

It was a real disaster.

Everybody lost their fucking ass on that one.

I have heard that like there was a time when all the socks fell and they just went all the way down to the ankles.

Yeah.

Ah, yes, sock, the sock crash.

I've usually dealt in the SNP socks and panties.

Yes, that's smart, reasonable investing.

You know, when all the socks of food go down at once, it is so loud it makes a crash.

Because imagine, fool, it's so many socks.

Yeah, that's a lot of socks.

Yeah, that would make a noise.

I mean, one sock alone.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Every sock at once.

Imagine the expansive boom that you would hear when all did smack the ground simultaneously.

And that's the sort of family and communal spirit that we are looking to foster here at beautiful wet leggings/slash power paws powder.

Think of this not as a job, but an opportunity to live your best life, fool boss.

Oh, Ani, you've been needing to lead your best life for a while now.

That's true.

Listen, why don't you all take a little time?

And I'm going to hand you these dream journals, journals where you put down your dreams.

And you could, you could sort of like pontificate on if you want to sell power paws powder, beautiful leggings, or no, we could possibly.

I you know, Shnanessa, normally I wouldn't say no, because this third product that we sell is so exclusive, so incredibly high level, that I don't think most of the people in Foon are ready to buy it, let alone sell it.

Oh my god, it says we clearly aren't supposed to be hearing this.

They turn slightly sideways.

What could be a better opportunity than a product that no one's ready to buy?

And I was ready to fill out my dream dream journal, but I have to listen!

Snakeen, I feel that we would be the fools if we were to put this product into Foon before Foon is ready.

Very well.

No, no!

Let me interrupt.

You mustn't stop there.

Have the bravery to bring this product to the market.

If only we could, you Sidor.

You see, this product is so tomorrow, it's not even available today.

I wish I could sell it to you.

Has this ever happened to you?

You have somewhere to be and you're very late and you think to yourself, oh, I wish I was where I was supposed to be already.

If this has ever happened to you, then tomorrow horse might be what you need.

Tomorrow horse?

Tomorrow horse gets you to tomorrow's location today.

Today.

Whoa, a horse of the future.

Arnie, think of it.

Sorry, for legal reasons, I must tell you, tomorrow horse is not a horse of the future.

Oh,

my apologies.

It's a horse of today.

It's a horse of today, tomorrow.

Oh, oh, okay.

Yeah, I guess that tracks.

Man, did I fuck up by jumping on those socks, and now I'm not available for Tomorrow Horse?

If you're picturing a future horse, you're not ready.

You're not ready.

Okay.

You need to be picturing the horse of today.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Okay, uh,

look.

I have to be honest with the two of you.

We've heard about all three of these products, and we're very interested in helping you sell them.

We'd love to take this shack of stockings off of your hands.

Great.

We'd love to sell the Power Paws powder.

And

Tomorrow Horse is so exciting that I right explode.

No, please.

See, this is what I was afraid of, Snake and the enthusiasm caused by Tomorrow Horse is too great.

Oh dear, one of your fools may perish.

Tomorrow Horse is the one I find most confusing, which makes me want it the most.

In what way?

Because this is actually really helpful for us.

This is good feedback.

Because we really want to be able to sell tomorrow horse as it deserves to be so.

Sell it today.

The horse of tomorrow today.

But what part of it's confusing?

Is it helpful if I reflect back to you what I think Tomorrow Horse is?

Yes.

Only if you're right.

If you're wrong, then it's not helpful.

Okay, so it's a future horse.

No.

Sorry.

Damn it.

And I get why you would think this, and I understand why you would think this too, because when it is described,

Chun, has this ever happened to you?

I did what Arnie did earlier.

That happened to me.

Okay.

Well, then, you might need Double Tomorrow Horse.

This horse takes you back to stop what you did when this has happened to you.

Oh my god, I says, that would be so helpful.

Wait, hold on.

Double Tomorrow Horse takes you back in time?

Double Tomorrow Horse is only for things that have happened to you.

Has this ever happened to me?

Happened to you, you might need Double Tomorrow Horse, the horse of tomorrow in the past.

All these things have happened to us!

Well, yes, of course they have.

Because that's what's so great.

Do you know, fools?

That's what's so great about every opportunity that Snake and I are offering to you is they're so universal.

Everybody goes through this, everyone experiences this, it's magical in its reach.

Sorry, a claxon went off.

I don't think we can say universal in Club 33.

Is there any void of phrasing?

Yes,

it's

it's um it's everywhere.

It's paramount.

It's

no, no, no.

I would say it reminds me of my Uncle Viacom

Is he still alive?

Yes.

Well, now I don't like our parents very much, but our Uncle Viacom

practically raised us.

Do you know everywhere I look, there he is?

Is that short for something, Viacom?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I wish I had a touchstone for what we were talking about.

Well, why don't we take a quick break and

Arnie you sir, the three of us can kind of figure out how to pull together some money and jewelry.

Take your time.

Take your time.

Write in your dream journals, and I'm going to convince my brother to drink anything other than Fernet.

Ah, right, the dream journal.

A rhinoceros stared me down, and I stared back.

But then I realized I was the rhinoceros the whole entire time.

That's too long.

Start a new line.

Okay.

Snake and Shananessa, I'm so happy to see you both, and I especially appreciate these great opportunities that you're offering to us.

Arnie, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I built a simple machine.

It's a wedge.

Okay.

It will help keep the door open, so Chunt doesn't have to worry about getting us in here.

Oh, that's great.

I'll put a monster in the door.

Okay.

It'll keep the door open.

Here I go.

As I was saying before that fool interrupted,

thank you so much for bringing us in on this thing.

I will say, though, I keep going back to something you said early on.

You're here in the prison because someone died taking the pause powder?

Correct.

Yes.

And I just want to be clear, because I don't think I'm personally going to be one of the ones that does the pause powder, power pause powder.

I'm probably going to do the socks or hopefully Tomorrow Horse.

I just want to make sure you're not here for anyone dying from either of those two things.

Oh, no.

No one has died from beautiful leggings.

I mean, maybe, maybe they said, oh, I'll never be caught dead not wearing my beautiful leggings.

And Tomorrow Horse hasn't even gone gone to market until tomorrow, so that one is fully in the clear, legally speaking.

I see.

Now there have been some troubling signs through early tests with Tomorrow Horse, but that one is such a revolutionary opportunity.

There is a bit of risk.

Mostly that somehow when it goes to the future, the horse turns into a donkey and in sort of that transmutation period, the cells that differ between a horse and a donkey go somewhere.

There's also been sort of a little bit of concern of like, you're rushing Tomorrow horse to market you don't fully understand how it works Everyone's clamoring for it and you haven't properly inspected it for safety and while those things are true It's also true that people really really really want tomorrow horse Have you been tomorrow horsing to tomorrow horse?

Yes, that's how we know whoa

Now the feeling of tomorrow horse is unlike anything I could ever describe imaginings imagines picture this okay excuse me picture this okay sorry yeah

come on everyone

Sorry, close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Has this ever happened to you where you pictured this?

Should the listeners close their eyes as well?

Yes, unless they're driving some sort of cart.

Yes.

And to be clear, I think you know this because we met several times.

Ethically, I should let you know we're recording all of this.

Still.

Still.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

Now, ten years in.

I always assume I'm being recorded.

It's the better way to live.

It's just best practices.

And it's good PR.

It's how we'll end up on dancing in the stars.

Dancing in the stars.

Fuck my words.

We will end up in dancing in the stars.

We will outlast a mittens player at least.

And all the world will see as the star occludes their vision by being the biggest celestial body in the sky.

Do you just want to do dancing in the stars?

Or would you be interested in participating in like the masked clinger?

Hmm, I would go on the masked clinger, but I think as soon as you saw two masked clingers, you would suspect it was the Fresh Brave Twins.

Yeah, we're such a notable duo that I feel like we'd have to be in some sort of masked clinger.

That's a tough one.

Masked clinger.

Masked clinger.

We'd have to be in some sort of suit that made us look like we were only one clinger.

I would go on Foon's Got Talons, but I actually don't have Talons, so I don't know that I could go on Foon's Got Talons.

What about, so you thought you could think about dancing?

I've actually already been on that one.

Whoa.

I didn't last very long because I couldn't even think about dancing.

Which is why I need a redemption tale of ending up dancing in the stars.

Oh, that would really be something.

Right?

Have you thought about going on Are You Smarter Than the People on Masked Clinger?

The after-show where they make fun of the people on Masked Klinger?

Well, yes, that would have.

We'd have to choose one or the other, right?

We'll have to see after the trial of the century, where we are acquitted for this

death that was so downstream from us, you could hardly...

Let me ask you this, fools.

If you have a tiny creek that is a tributary of a larger river, that is from a giant sound, that is from the melt of a huge glacier, would you say that is the glacier's fault what happens in the tiny creek?

It's ridiculous.

Legally, no.

And also, all of the sort of mages and wizards that oversee the trial all have people in the downstream, whether it's their like nephews or nieces or whatever.

So there's no way they want them culpable for this.

They're gonna know someone who graduated from Jizzleknob at the same time we did.

We're gonna do a secret Jizzleknob handshake when we go in.

They're gonna know.

But we'll get the publicity, and it'll get to be talked about about town.

Now, uh, before this trial begins, are you

the publicity you're talking about?

Oh, are you going to be talking about Tomorrow Horse?

Well, we're only talking about Tomorrow Horse for the very select group of people, so I don't even know that we will announce Tomorrow Horse there.

I mean, if Tomorrow Horse becomes material to our case about being upstream from a murder from Power Paw's Powder, then our attorney has done something terribly awry.

That barrister shall never talk in court again if somehow Tomorrow Horse becomes material to the case about being downstream, upstream,

in Power Paws Powder.

Of course, the same applies to beautiful leggings.

No one should mention beautiful leggings unless, of course, the head mage is wearing beautiful leggings and someone says, My.

I love seeing favorite character on beautiful leggings.

Judge's favorite character is my favorite character.

We have so much in common.

Innocent.

I just realized something.

Ernie, you sir, you remember a few months ago we met a wary traveler, traveler and he said that he rode into a town on Friday, stayed for two nights, and then left on Thursday?

And we couldn't figure out what he was talking about?

Oh, he was.

No, no, no.

That would be in early trials of double Tomorrow horse, which takes you back to when, did this ever happen to you?

Of course.

So this wary traveler, he must have had to have been someone who said, did this ever happen to you?

You ride into a town on Friday.

End of sentence.

That's right, yep.

Then you need to leave her.

And it's not that he had sex with two knights?

Oh,

it could have been.

That might be depicted on one of my favorite pairs of beautiful leggings.

The story of the two knights.

Oh, wait, there are saucy, beautiful leggings?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

There are beautiful leggings for every age demographic.

We have two knights having sex with a third knight.

Two knights having sex with a woman.

Two knights having sex by themselves.

Are there any saucy ones that don't involve two knights?

Not yet.

Not yet.

But we do have a program by which you can design your own beautiful leggings and an illusionist will print them on the leggings for you.

Really?

But I would really suggest selling the ones in the old wooden shack first because they have been there for a while.

So I think before you get into any sort of new type of socks and leggings, it'd be really nice for you to look at the ones you already have.

I have that I would love to give to you so that I wasn't worried about them anymore.

I hate having to watch that old wooden shack to make sure it doesn't catch a a flame.

Oh, that'd be terrible.

Now,

the beautiful leggings,

they have characters on them.

Yes.

Favorite characters.

And sometimes they're knights having sex with other knights.

Yes.

And sometimes they're other holiday-themed things.

Yes.

And they don't magically transform on their own?

No.

No.

So what characters...

What's the character selection we're authoring?

Well, in the stock, currently in the old wooden shack, we have some Pizza Skull.

We have several of your favorite mascots of missions teams.

There's like, have you heard of it?

Like a Skurbuzzard?

Sure.

Oh, Skurbuzzards?

Oh, great.

We have some old ones of three

Great Blue Tigers, but they don't move as well anymore for quite some time.

Did you hear?

Really popular for a while.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Yeah,

what have they been up to?

It's been a while since I've heard what the Great Blue Tigers have been up to.

Has this ever happened happened to you?

You can't remember what happened to these tigers.

Yeah, weird to think of very, very powerful beings sort of checking in.

They're probably just off doing their thing.

Yeah, they are doing.

So I have a...

I definitely want to invest.

I'm very excited about this opportunity.

Thank you to you so much.

I have a big, big, big question, which is, I think maybe at the very beginning of us entering the room, you mentioned something about you two can feel each other having sex.

Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Not because of PowerPod's powder.

But yes, we sort of share everything down our...

The bond that gives us magical powers also links us intimately in every way.

Okay, I can't.

Yes, you feel each other's pain, you feel each other's pleasure.

I forgot all about that, yes.

And we do feel, we feel the pangs and the bangs, unfortunately.

And when we were graduating Chiselknob, we were like, we are going to have to figure out a solution here.

One can only not bang for so long.

I think pangs and the bangs, that's really going to be a big takeaway for me.

Good.

Then I could leave a mark on you, Chun.

Write it down in your dream journal.

Are you on, are your powers paused right now?

Like, how often do you pause your powers with a powder?

When needed, I would recommend that you pause your powers once a day.

Because then you're going to be going through about one tin of power pause powder

a month or so.

And it's good to get people on a subscription base so that they keep getting it, even if they're not sure they're going to use it all.

You pay less if you get it delivered monthly to you.

That's right.

Yeah, smart.

Can I do a yearly subscription and put more money in up front?

Absolutely.

And that's going to save you 15%.

Wow.

A great deal.

You know what?

I'm loving everything I'm hearing.

Good.

As is often the case with me, my enthusiasm usually wanes after about 45 minutes.

Yes, for so I'm sort of realizing I'm not that interested in novelty socks, which is kind of all that the beautiful leggings are.

This always happens to you.

Yeah.

I can only.

Does this ever happen to you?

So unless you have like an enthusiasm powder or something I think I'm gonna opt out I'm very excited about you sidor and chunt becoming entrepreneurs and becoming rich It's all I just think it's a lot easier for me to be friends with rich people Oh, yes, it is easier of course of course that's true fool but has this ever happened to you you watch your friends gather and acquire wealth slowly at first but then more and more and more as time goes by and soon you'll no longer be able to relate to them for they exist in a different class and strata than you.

And though at first they promised to never forget you, that promise has dulled with time.

Has this ever happened to you, fool?

Most of my friends aren't very successful, but I would happily be the turtle of this group if it came down to it.

I don't get that, Reverence.

Now, uh, I understand that you said it, well, was it 20,000 gold to buy in to start for PowerPoint powder, yes.

Well, if you're buying yearly, I'll knock off 15%.

That's only 17,000 gold.

Oh, okay.

Uh, uh, well, I have exactly 38 gold what does that get me can i do tomorrow horse certainly not but you can get these free samples of power pause powder and i'll give you one pair of beautiful leggings

with favorite character oh i can't believe it it's automaton constable you sort of brings up a good point uh we were abducted into this prison with very little money uh and what little we've had we we generally give away all of our money every episode because we just get enthusiastic about one thing or another.

So we don't we're not really liquid right now.

Sure.

Yes, and if you were liquid, that problem could be stopped by power pause powder.

Yeah, and like I said before, I'm all tied up in socks and panties.

Sure.

I've heard you say that before.

Listen, we understand.

Obviously, we're a bit on pause right now as we await the trial of the century.

So this is something we'd be happy to do a circle back.

Can we have you subscribe to our information?

Oh, yeah.

What do you need from us?

Like our

blood, prick of blood, blood, just blood, prick of blood.

Just a little blood will do.

No problem.

Here you go.

Uh, perfect.

Can we subscribe to your sub-stack where we subconsciously get like a stack of information about what you're up to?

Yes, we will, we automatically put that on once we get a drop of blood.

Yeah, okay.

Um, sure.

Okay, here's a drop of blood from me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Here's a drop from me.

Oh, my finger won't stop bleeding.

Sorry.

Oh, wow.

Put some pressure on that.

That's not good.

Don't use the beautiful leggings.

Well, Well, you have to buy those now.

Yes, we'll do a classic circle back.

We'll ping this later.

You know what?

We're going to set a tomorrow horse information to come to you in the sub stack.

We'll set that to be sent off in a few months from now.

So, like, don't worry.

We will keep you in the family.

We'll keep you in the loop.

So, in a few months from now, I'll have a horse today

for tomorrow.

That's right.

Oh, how exciting.

Yeah.

And we're going to escape this prison magically probably at the end of this episode, so

it'll be easier for us to get the money that you need for this investment.

Oh, that's so exciting.

Will you make sure that you spread the word about our trial of the century?

Yes.

Maybe try to build up some organic buzz about us being on Dancing in the Stars.

Sure.

So wait, it's a trial of the century, but you need us to hype it up?

Just any hype is good.

All hype is good hype fool.

All hype is good hype, fool.

We're also going to escape this prison, but through the power of nepotism.

Oh, sure.

Oh, one of the most powerful forces in food, Arnie.

Yes, that's our other uncle.

We have Uncle Nepotism and Uncle Viacom.

They're both everywhere you look.

Before we escape, for old time's sake, would you two mind helping us answer an email from our listeners?

Absolutely.

We would love to.

All right, and maybe these are people that would be interested in investing.

Let's see here.

An opportunity.

Yes, simply by seeing this email,

they shall subscribe to our sub stack as well.

If they are, just

take a drop of blood and put it in a stream, and it will reach us.

Okay.

I just love when people call me a rock star.

I feel like that's so cool.

That is very cool.

Okay, here's the email.

Now, listeners, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

Or even better, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com/slash magic tavern and message us there.

Here's a message.

Hey, Arnie, we recently switched trash pickup companies.

The old one picked up trash on Friday, and the new one picks up trash on Tuesdays.

Hello from the Magic Tavern comes out on Mondays.

Is there any way you could put a reminder for me to take the trash out into your podcast?

This would be most helpful.

I'd be happy to shove whatever you'd like into the dimensional rift in exchange.

Thank you, Jason.

No, I don't mean to jump in.

Sure.

But is that not...

And I'm sorry, Usidor, I wasn't here when you introduced yourself.

But I do seem to recall you have a long list of things that you often say when you are introduced.

Is that still a thing that you introduce yourself?

Uh, yes, very often.

It's not a requirement, but uh.

I feel like you could slip that in there real easy, right?

Sure, all I have to say is, I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius.

Take out the trash on Tuesdays, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Turakis, the The elves know me as Fiang Yalik, new to your pets,

and the dwarves know me as Sonan Hukstanges.

And I'm known in the northeast as Gaswanius Maestar, and there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

It's important to mention we've also got a lot of emails from people asking us to remind them to neuter their pets.

Ah, but not Spey.

Oh, and we should say, listeners, email us a drop of your blood or a prick of blood, right?

Hey,

hey, Rockstar.

What a good idea.

You're an absolute legend, my man!

Legend icon rock star!

I can't believe you did that!

Oh,

I feel so good about asking our listeners to email us blood.

Email us blood, everyone.

Please.

What a legendary rock star to suggest such a thing.

Wow.

Now, has this ever happened to you, Jason emailer?

I just want to say, has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever thought that instead of needing a podcast to remind you about your trash, you could just instead use Tomorrow Horse?

Jason,

and that's that's it's MMMMM, email us back.

We'll definitely try to remind you about your trash pickup in future episodes, but email us and let us know if you're interested in investing in this Fresh Grave Twins opportunities.

Wow.

This must be a regional difference because where I'm from, you don't have a choice of who takes your trash.

It's the same nulls that work the entire area.

Yes, it's a null municipality situation.

You don't pick.

I have heard tell of trash companies being privatized.

Has this ever happened to you?

You just learned that was a thing?

Yes.

Just like this prison is being privatized and run by the wizards.

Any,

if it's true, we must escape from here.

For if the privatization of this place

means the wizards can do whatever they want, that means there's no sovereign king or elected body overseeing them.

We must make our escape immediately.

And much more importantly, April's almost done.

We've been here for evil April.

We don't want to overextend this storyline much longer than we have to.

I mean, also, I'm excited about these investment opportunities, but have either of you had the dream where you learn about this kind of marketing and how it's kind of bullshit?

Have either of you had the dream?

What are you talking about?

That's never happened to me.

Check your journals.

There's the dream where you learn about these kind of MLMs.

Arnie, why do you yes, magical level marketing?

We why do you think Schnenessa gave you the dream journals?

Oh shit.

It's from the dream.

We had the dream and we thought, oh no, we could do this so much better.

So you're learning from the dream.

You didn't listen to the dream and think, that's not good.

You're like, this is a great opportunity for us.

You must learn from your dreams.

Have you met us, fool?

I have a few times.

Yes.

Well, we are quite nasty, if not full evil, and so we thought, that's exactly where we live.

A magical layer marketing.

That's exactly the right level for us, the Fresh Grave Twins.

That's right.

Some say if you teach a man to fit, give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and then he eats for a lifetime.

We then thought, third option, teach a man to fish.

Take all of the fish that the man makes, convince him that he owes you the fish because you were the ones that taught him to fish, and don't properly compensate him for the fish he takes.

But let him keep some of the fish so that he's convinced that, well, I still got a good amount of fish and that he teaches someone to fish, and then they teach someone to fish, and on and on till everyone knows how to fish but there aren't enough fish left to fish.

Do that and then you eat for a lifetime.

Wow.

I think I got it.

Yeah, I think I got it.

It's almost like you can lead a double tomorrow horse to water, but he already drank it yesterday.

Very good, rock star.

Oh, yeah.

You absolute legend.

Oh, I love this so much.

It's every time.

Listen, Arna Usador, I'm cool to escape.

I just, I paid $80,000 for this.

Can I just get one cocktail?

there's a sort of magical pair of gloves making drink uh uh magical gloves can i get um a rock star martini please

thank you

now i know we wanted to escape but uh i haven't had a lot of time during this episode to be inventing machines and uh i loved the wedge thank you thank you good that door is still open i never thought about putting any blue cheese on that wedge

what a good idea.

Blue cheese, my favorite.

Now,

of course, the prison is 150 stories tall, and I did have a little time to invent, and I started building a ladder.

It's only two stories tall, though, which is pretty good considering how much I've been talking.

You sit, can't you just like magically zap us out of here?

That's what I, I mean, we've been here for a while.

I've just assumed you can just magically

build a machine, then you want me to do magic, make up your fucking mind.

What do you want me to do?

I know, Chuck, would you rather a machine or magic?

I think for this instance, probably magic, right?

Fine, fine.

I'll just throw this ladder I was working on in the garbage.

Oh, has this ever happened to you?

Yes, exactly.

All right.

Eroth, troll, cloth, cutal, lab, tung.

Oh, ah, ooh.

Oh, I feel like.

Okay.

Anybody else feel like an electric surge or something?

Yeah.

Ow.

I'm power paused right now, so.

Oh, you're power paused?

Yeah.

That makes sense.

That should have opened a portal, Arnie.

You know how if you try to fly out of the top of the topless tower, you'll just turn into goo.

Yeah, goo.

Which I don't understand now why it's called the topless tower, because you just said it's 150 stories tall.

Right.

Maybe it's like an intimidation factor.

There's a big hole right in the middle there, and it tempts you to fly out of there, but that's a bad idea.

It'll kill you.

But the portal I tried to open

it seems to be blocked.

Huh.

Is your power pause?

Did you take the powder?

I haven't had any power pause powder yet.

Did you have a mouse and put the rest out of sight?

Have a mice, put the rest out of sight?

No, head of mice, rest out of sight.

That's I'm I certainly wouldn't break those rules, but Bonnie, I don't...

I don't think we can get out of here right now.

Let's try a pop-in lock or something.

A pop and lock.

Okay, a quick pop and lock.

Oh, you should be undancing in the stars.

Or at least have you thought about thinking about dancing.

Dancing didn't work, but how about you try a walk-and-pop, which is a magical spell?

Okay, uh, yeah, that uh, that didn't work either.

Um, how about we um we've been kind of blase because we've been in this prison, knowing we could escape anytime.

Um, okay, I'm starting to freak out.

I'm starting to freak out a little bit.

Is it possible that this prison has like magical dampening things to make it so you magically can't escape?

Well, which I guess would be a thing wizards would put on a prison.

Oh, yes, 100%.

Oh, yes.

Has this ever happened to you?

You just realized this prison is run by wizards, and of course, they would use all manner of spells to keep their inmates inside.

Okay, yeah, sure.

I yeah, I should have thought about that.

I figured as a wizard, I could counteract any wizard spells, but I sense

it's all of the rest of the wizards versus just my power.

I suppose they've doubled up their spells, and I can't really

overcome

the

blocks and locks.

Also, we've been making a lot of promises to people in the prison in a pretty blase manner, thinking, like, it doesn't matter because we're going to be out of here pretty soon.

So, a lot of those bills are going to come due pretty soon.

Has this ever happened to you?

You need money fast.

We need a tomorrow horse today three weeks ago.

Yeah.

Shit.

Worst of all, we're gonna have to do more episodes in this setting.

Well, let's have a drink while we're here, I guess.

Oh, I'll have a finette.

No.

Oh, I'll have a finette.

Finettes for all.

I think I'll like it this time.

Jason, don't forget to take out the garbage.

Well, I haven't found this much enjoyment in a prison setting since I tunneled out of that high-security prison after being framed for murder, using only a spoon and hiding my tunnel progress behind a collectible poster that said, Revenge of the Jedi, where the tagline was, the one where the emperor dies, or does he?

Even then, they knew where they were headed.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Snake and Schnanessa Freshgrave were played by special guests Zach Reno and Jessica McKenna.

Check out their many appearances on Dropout TV.

And their delightful improvised musical podcast, Off Book.

Not to mention their newest venture, Off Brook, a podcast devoted to Zack and Jess literally sitting in a boat and fly fishing.

In real time.

Each episode runs roughly seven and a half hours.

Reviewers are calling it a catastrophic misstep, and the choice of two people hell-bent on career suicide.

These are the pull quotes?

Anyway, Off Brook is currently doing its soft rollout exclusively on flyfishiwish.com, but soon will be available everywhere provided feedback from test audiences does a complete 180.

Sounds troubling, but not unsurprising.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

And don't forget to sign up on the website instead of the Apple Patreon app to avoid any extra Apple fees.

Not so fast, Tim Cook.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.