Season 5, Ep 52 - Prison Kalhaxorous (w/ Brennan Lee Mulligan)

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People of Earth, I'm here on this audio transmission to do two things. Tell you the following podcast is not real, and chew bubblegum.

And bubblegum clogs up my second thorax and makes a real mess of my upper digestive system.

So when I said I was here to do two things, one of those things is something I'm practically incapable of doing, which makes me a real unreliable narrator. So sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast for the magical land of Foon. Now in our 10th year.

Now in prison.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 10 years and a month or so ago, I think.

Yes, I'm so sorry.

We're recording a podcast while we do that, so I feel like ethically I should tell you if you talk to me, these microphones might pick that up.

Can I say hi to someone?

Sure. Hey, Larry, Craig, Tony.
Hey, happy birthday, mom. I want to give a shout out to Susie.

Boogalin, hello.

Who else? Who else? Who else?

All the deserted children of Floridor.

Who else?

That's it. That'll do it.
That'll take you. Okay.
Great. You're not even in line for food? No.
You saw some fresh meat. Oh.
For lunch, I think we have fresh meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.

You Sidor, Chun, I'm so sorry.

I forgot to start the recording of the podcast. And I know we're hungry and we're waiting for food, but I just wanted to turn it on.

Is that okay with you guys that we do this here, like in line, like standing in line episode? Oh, on location!

Ooh, yeah, this is fun. I think let's just, maybe we form sort of a triangle just to kind of watch each other's backs.
Okay, sure.

Who were you just talking to? Who was that? Yeah, who is that guy? Huh, some weird pile of shit. I don't really know what his name is.
Huh? You always ask who people's names are and how they have sex.

He just, just, that is true. I didn't do either.
I didn't do either. Oh, man.
10 years in. I'm really losing it.
Damn, Arnie, I thought you were the best in the biz. Interview.
And that's true.

Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this. I've started getting lots of emails from both MagicTavern at Puppies.supplies and from our Patreon listeners.

Look, we've been doing this show for 10 years. We had our 10-year anniversary, and for several, for many episodes, I've been saying, now in our 10th year.

And they've been pointing out that actually we're in our 11th year.

Ooh, that's a big one. Arnie.

Like, we're talking like a month plus of me saying that, but it doesn't seem fun to say, now in our 11th year. But the first month you started the podcast, you wouldn't say now in our first year.

That'd be crazy. I mean, technically, we were.

That's why I don't see numbers. You don't see numbers? I don't see numbers.
So it's all... You, sir, what's the opposite of ones and zeros? It's all...

Is this some sort of mathematical virtue signaling? What are you talking about? Guys, there are no shelves in heaven. No.
That doesn't matter.

He's going to throw out all the things I've said that nobody remembers but me. Oh, sorry, Arnie, I'm going to just looks like I'm next in line for food.

One food, please.

Very well. But a tray.

What? You... You fucking guys.

Hey! The death site. Calhouser.

It is I,

Calhaxerus the Grim,

Hammer of the Eldathri, and Foe of the Denuariel, Guardian of the Shroud of Nasur, High Commander of the Blaze of Sath, Sword Champion of the Red Queen, Merzios Thrix, Twas I that slew the Gladwins, and twas you who left me busting ghostly knots in that come house.

I was trapped in there for days unending. It seemed as though a turning of the age of the world conspired to keep me gying.

For as long as I could, my ghostly

But your armor looks good with a hair net over it, though. Yes, I am required to wear the hair net, even over the frightening visage of my Death Knight's helm.

Even though you, as far as I can tell, under your helm, you're just like a ghostly light. Like, you don't even have hair under there.
I can make two points of sort of demonic red light

like eyes, but I actually see out of my chest. Wow, really?

I just thought I'd been talking up there, and you should have been like, my eyes are down here. No, no, but I like when you don't look in my eyes, it makes me feel sneaky.
Oh, I see.

So I know you're here to serve us food, and I would love to find out what you recommend amongst the various slops.

But it's so good to see you. And just in case, I don't want to assume you remember us by name.
I'm Arnie. I'm from another world.
Yeah, I'm Chunt, Badger, a shapeshifter.

And I am Usador, a wizard of the 12th realm of

the world. That's right, they don't like wizards around here.
I'm Dorasu, Wink Wink, a shitty sorcerer, not a wizard, definitely not a wizard, because everyone hates wizards.

I'm just a big bag of meat shit human who learned magic.

Just a dumb fucking human who learned magic. I'm not born magical.
That'd be crazy.

Now,

what an interesting crossroads we find ourselves in.

Last I checked, this was a prison exclusively for the forces of darkness, those most malevolent malefactors of hideous evil.

And you three fucking do-gooders

have no right to be here. I have half a mind to warn the warden.

But no need to warn the warden.

We uh, you know, we don't want any trouble. Uh, you know, Arnie, I see now that his apron has sort of holes cut out on the chest.
I thought they were like, for like nipples, nipple breathers.

Is that a thing on Earth?

We seek maybe a partnership with you. What can we do for you, perhaps, Cal,

where you just kind of forget that we're here? Like something goes into your hand, and then you go, I can't remember what these three were doing.

You offer power,

power over you.

Thus begins my rise

to conquer this prison.

for indeed i now have minions three

well i oh are we his minions now i hate being a minion oh banana look they have bananas aren't he no not like that oh not like that all right listen unrelated

prison if you don't become someone's minion yes it is much easier the the path of the minion is the path of true freedom the freedom to surrender your conscience and your mind, prostrate to the will of one greater and more covered in spikes.

Ooh, prostrate. He can't get enough of that cow, right? Prostrate.
Oh, oh, sorry. Prostrate.
Sorry, I'm dumb. Sorry, I'm dumb.
Well, I conjured us some little overalls to wear.

Now that we're minions, should I give also combine our eyes into single eyes?

I think that that would be the least you could do after making fun of my eyes and my chest.

Guys, is it just me, or does it suck to be a minion these last decade? Like, wasn't there a time when being a minion of like an evil force was like cool and at least scary?

And now in the last decade plus, like, being a minion is

well, Arnie, I think it's because Funus had a big influx of families, okay? And some minions are maybe a little terrifying for those under the age of 18.

Well, if you wonderful little family-oriented minions don't mind, I want you to get to work!

Oh, here, walk around the counter, come help me. I am preparing the Salisbury steak.
Now we work in the lunchroom. Way to go.
Chant front.

Although, to be fair, we were talking for so long that quite a line formed. Like.

Yes, extraordinarily rude, as I would expect villains to be.

Oh, shit. Who there? Oh, oh, me? Was that...
Yes, Bash. Go to the back.
There's a crate of bananas and a crate of papayas. Banana, papaya, got it? Yes, go get the crates and bring them back.

We're preparing a fruit salad. Ooh.

God, I fucking hope we aren't entering an overcooked situation where we're just gonna try to have our stations, but we're gonna be at each other's necks, like yelling at each other, because we can't quite get the dishes out in time.

Yes, I will be referred to exclusively as chef. And if you walk behind me, you have to say behind.
It's so fun. Oh, yes, chef.

Do you sense that I'm behind you? Like, if you see a person behind you, honey, and you don't want to have an accident in the kitchen, so you say behind you, and you say, yes, chef.

It's the only proper way to address a chef, such as Calahaxa's.

It is true, in the world of mortals, restaurants are one of the last places where you rightfully glorify the criminally deranged and abusive.

Okay, papayas and uh oh, I got the bananas, but um after this they're 69. No more bananas.
That's uh that's a restaurant term, right? 69 I 69 to bananas. That's a term.

Well, unfortunately, some of the bananas were brought to life by an evil warlock. So they had been 69ing back then.
Oh, wow. Oh, yes, we have no more bananas.
Will they all get turned alive? Oh, God!

We have no more bananas today.

Wow, they're so hard to catch. You slip slip on them.

Cal, I have to ask, just because you brought up Banana 69ing, you wouldn't happen to have like audio

recordings of you in the comehouse. Like, that would just make such good Patreon content.
Is there any chance you have eight to twelve episodes of you in the comehouse?

Eight to twelve episodes of me in the come house?

My God.

With no guests. No guests.
Well, first of all, I don't know how long your Patreon episodes are. Is it sort of a bonus content, half an hour thing? Is it sort of clips?

Seem like a half hour to 40 minutes, but like we could make an exception if those 18 episodes were like an hour or two each.

Well, I'll tell you what, if you want an hour or two each of episodes of me in the comehouse, you must know that my voice absolutely gave out even spectrally after about hour five.

Just husky, husky whispering as I shuddered to get my clanking armor. Wow.

Cal, can I... Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, may I ask, what have you been up to since last we saw you?

Like, after the, you know, after you got out of the cum house, and before you got magically abducted into this prison for evil villains,

let's get that. And by the way, go get that mash ready.
I want extra butter on the mash. Yes, sir.
We are going to need to

garnish these dishes, all right? Let's go parsley back over here and walk in. Heard, chef, heard.
Wonderful. Yes, respect I am due because I am so loud and aggressive.

Essentially, I was left in the cum house because the denizens of the town were all too polite to knock on the door.

It wasn't until an extremely rude berserker got in the back of a 40-person line that had been waiting for some days that he walked up, barged in, kicked the door open, and saw that indeed I was trapped in there.

And upon removing me, I was remanded to the custody of the town constabulary, which were able to arrest me because I was sort of just rubbing myself in the afterglow.

I was too physically content. You have to understand.

The comehouse is one of the only places that felt good. I don't have a physical body anymore.
It's impossible to feel that kind of sensation.

I dare say that I missed it.

In any case, I ran over a bunch of llamas at a petting zoo, and they arrested me and brought me here. Like you ran

those poor llamas, they were just trying to pet some animals. And you killed them? Huh? I don't know, man.
Go ask the llamas. I didn't stop to check.
Did you yourself? I was trying to get to a show.

Show started at 7 p.m. I had to get there.
And you just physically ran over them or were you driving a cart? I was in an animated wagon.

There is a haunted wagon outside of the town where the cum house is, and it is possessed by by the ghosts of everybody who's been run over by the ghost wagon. Sort of a Katamari Damashi situation.

But with souls of the dead.

So, all you have to do if you can come out. Sorry, I'm going to write that down.
I got to get that to Jackpox Games back on Earth because that's gold.

Katamari Damasi, but ghosts. Oh my god.
Oh, Arnie, write down Cum House. Okay, yes, I will send that to a different game company.
100%.

Now,

as you can see, as I was driving past as fast as I could, I was looking to get to a friend's 301 improv show, and I

just sped.

Sped! I said, spirits of the hateful dead, those crushed by the weagles on the haunted wagon, heed my call.

Take a right, up at the fork in the road, and cut through the pengzoo at top speed. Oh, so that's how you drive the wagon, is by commanding the souls.

Yes, the wagon is animated by the spirits of dead. There's no driving mechanism, no needle of any kind.
So you're telling us that you killed innocence to go to an improv show? You truly are evil.

What can I say? My old college friend is retaking 301.

It's the second 301 class show as I've seen. Despicable.

Sounds like he's the evil one. Inviting you again?

He wrote, I want to say, an eight-paragraph email to all of his old college roommates, begging us to come to this show. Absolutely begging on hands and knees.

Ah, so in here I see a chink in thine armor, as they say. Is not guilt? Guilt about not seeing the show what drove you there? And is guilt not another way of saying that you care?

That perhaps you, Calhaxarus, could be turned to the side of good?

There is nothing generous of spirit in watching an old college friend absolutely fail to make third-beat connections.

Artie, Artie, it's happening finally. A voice-off.

Yeah? The User versus Cal, this is amazing. Now, Chef, I have prepared your mirepoix, as you have so instructed.
And now, I shall place it in some butter and allow it to

soften.

Oh, Chef Cadence, Chef Cadence at the end. Wow, I feel like I'm watching the bear with special guest, Mr.
Belvedere.

Huh? Never mind. Earth people are a little confused.
From the belly of a fattened goose, have I sundered the viscera to produce this most excellent slab of

the worst part is there's like 30 or 40 more ingredients coming out for them to talk about. Oh, but I want to see what's on that slab.

I don't know why I said slab like that. The badger, the badger's doing a timed curry.

Oh, yeah, I'll have some. That sounds good.
I'll have the delicious timmed curry. Fear not, listener, for I shall season this meat so generously with not only salt and pepper, but thyme and rosemary.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, salt and pepper. Ladies and gentlemen, salt and pepper.
Whoa.

Now, we shall take a short break as we continue to describe the ingredients. Behind.
Sorry, we're behind on our break.

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Guys, while you fight over this, I think I'm just going to go to that back window and establish like selling sandwiches out of that.

So in case this whole kitchen thing for the prison doesn't work out, maybe I can make up the money from this window. And here you see the myard reaction upon the meat that has caused it to brown.

And now, with but a dollop of butter, I shall finish it off.

Could have been freezed better. You dare speak to me of the Maiard reaction.
Me whose face was burned in the terrible flames of Thrangath.

I'll show you a reaction.

Behold this

the Mayard flames of my very own Krempre.

I made the custard myself. Oh wow.
Oh shit, is there custard?

Yes, everyone hopes. So I actually want to interject something.

Something's going on at this prison. Oh.

I mean, how much fucking foie gras would you anticipate a prison cafeteria? Oh, yeah.

That can't be right.

Well,

the reason we came here, Cyakxras, was because villains have been disappearing, and we thought if the wizards are in control and amassing power, and they are simply plucking villains off, are they plucking them off to get them out of the way to cause actual peace and well-being in the land?

Or are they gathering them for some deeper, darker, more nefarious purpose?

I didn't hear most of that because I got distracted when you said they were being plucked off. Yeah, they're being plucked off, you know.

You just jerk a couple out of the sky and then right into the prison here.

You know, and then, you know, finish them off just like you would the uh the meat.

Villains, true villains, being plucked off of the face of Foon, like bloody chunks of llama off the face of a weeping child.

Oh, no.

Oh, wait, this was an all-ages improm show?

No, no. No, that was in the petting zoo.

Pay attention.

The petting zoo was filled with children, which my stupid, cowardly wagon avoided hitting due to its

mushy conscience. It swerved to avoid the children and absolutely bulldozed a herd of llamas.

In defense of the haunted wagon, they too have felt that similar trauma, so I can understand them not wanting to pay that trauma for it.

You're right, that's what's wrong with the wagon. Its tenderness is marked by the fact that with each new victim, it has another ghost that resents being run over by a wagon.
Exactly.

Now I know exactly what I need to do. I need to kill a thousand people who love running over people with wagons.
Uh, Arnie User, is that

good? I want to run over a thousand people who want to run over. It would make them wagon works the way he wants.
I don't know if it's good.

Arnie, isn't this what you always call a Dexter situation or something from Earth? It is. Like, a killer that kills killers.
Okay.

Killer be killed. Killer be killed.

The. I've been trapped in this prison for some time.

The work of wizards beyond this place troubles me dearly. Do you believe these wizards have something to do with the overflowing wards of this castle fortress?

Oh, yes, uh, here in the topless tower, we know that it is none other than the wizards who have caused this to happen. Who else has the power and the magic to cause such

an epic event to occur? I've been asking around about who the warden is.

Oh, yeah, because we know the wizards run it in generally, like they own it, they have like an investment in it, but apparently it's Corncob the Calico is the warden.

The cat wizard? The cat wizard?

Adorable. That's why when you hear something out of that speaker and it sounds like a cat meowing, it is a cat meowing.
Oh.

Like those are announcements we're supposed to understand. Oh, you kept making that joke that it sounded like the peanuts parents, and I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

He's a good one. You're referring to the baker and his wife outside the realm of Threeley, who, making a wish to be with child after years of being alone, gave birth to a hideous peanut.

How I hate talking about Charlie Brown. You said that corncob the calico was this this this warden? Do you know, presumably, is this uh this is this a cat?

Well, it's a wizard. Uh, you know, uh Calahris, as a wizard, you are bored into the world.
You aren't raised, you don't learn magic, you just are.

Now, most of us wizards, when we descend from the heavens at the bequest of those who need a champion, and by the goddess's allowance, we do not necessarily have to be a human-shaped, but most of us are.

And Korncob decided to be a cat. So, you sort of didn't have to work for your magical powers?

I mean,

I wouldn't put it that way. I think I work very hard

to accomplish the things that I accomplish in my life. You know, I've had some advantages.
I'd I g freely admit that, uh that I was, you know, uh born into some sort of uh privilege.

You kind of don't freely admit it, I kind of had to pull it out of you. Oh, yeah, uh, that's as free as it gets.

Even your tone of voice feels like you're being boxed in at a hockey game.

Well, I it's just that I uh

I don't like the idea that uh uh just because I happen to be what I am, that somehow I should be looked down upon as lesser than those who learn magic. You know,

if some stupid meatbag wants to learn some magic, I mean, go for it. Good for you.
I mean, it won't be as powerful as a natural wizard, but whatever.

The detail I'm stuck on is: when you said Corncob the Calico picked their form, you, Usidor, picked this form for yourself?

How dare you?

How dare you say that to my face?

That's you. That's you, Usador.
What? Push the fucking Salisbury steak in your face.

Wow, that fucking fucking Salisbury steak in his face. Oh, there's Salisbury everywhere.
Got him.

I wish there was some sort of like a jockey-jam that just like just like just kicked in right when you got in his

face. Nice.

Look, I've turned my back on the wizards. They are the traitors.
And I'm the only one who stood up for the people.

And I've even considered lately, Calhaxaris, that maybe royalty is kind of a fucked up system. What? What do it mean? That maybe kings and queens shouldn't be born into power.

And perhaps that we should have duly elected officials, you know, like the mayors of the towns. But perhaps they should run everything.

No,

listen. Royalty absolutely rules.
Think about it. I mean, that's technically true, yes.
Every monarch is descended from an ancient line that begins with someone who absolutely killed everybody.

They all descend from a demented murderer, absolute fucking ogre,

and then that ogre's shitty children in a line stretching through time, their way absolutely paved in the blood of conquest, got everything handed to them in a silver platter.

It is an ideal form of government, and I say that as a hateful ghost in spiky armor.

I guess this is the kind of person I'd just like to have a beer with. Yeah, I mean, and think about all the incests these people have.
Like, Arnie, have you heard of the

Hensberg neck? There's a line of monarchs called the Hensbergs, and their necks, just

something really weird about their necks. China, why do you always focus on the incest part? Hmm.
Whenever we are talking about anything, you're like, also, there's the incest part of it.

Calhaxerus, you make a lot of good points, but I would counter that perhaps people who are unquestioned in their decisions and their rulemaking should be questioned and should be asked and should be held accountable by the very people who they serve.

Ooh, who lunches the lunchman? Wait, speaking of, we have a big old line. Hold on, yes, shit.

You haven't tasted a single dish.

Tater tops. Behind.
Behind. Behind.

Ah, here. Here, friend, here's some Salisbury steak that was on my face.

And here's some bananas 69ing. And I'll stand over here and look busy.
Remember, the bananas are alive, so if they're 69ing, you can enjoy eating them, knowing that they were completely sentient.

Listen, you guys aren't planning an escape by any means.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the power I leverage here as captain of the launch room but i would love to get back to that cum house by any means possible oh wow uh to be totally honest we haven't thought that far ahead we got in here without a way out and ani that's a great point we should think about getting out of here we figured we'd get around to that eventually we thought we would do a story here for like 70 80 episodes but we should probably start thinking We should probably start thinking about an escape sooner rather than later.

Could take a year or so. Fucking Skullmaster Island bullshit again.

Wait, Skullmaster? That sounds like someone I would vibe with. I'm

Skullmaster. Oh, you'd love Skullmaster.

Oh, do you hear that? That lightning. Skullmaster is probably here.
I mean, there's so many villains here. It's hard to, like, meet all of them in a couple of weeks' time.

But there's so many villains here. Like, Skullmaster's probably here.

Excuse me, did you say Skull Blaster? Oh. No.

I'm Skull Blaster. Look at this mega man-looking motherfucker.
What did you say? My dog hates you.

Turns dog into a skateboard.

Did you say you're a skull blaster? I'm soul master. Sir, let me make my way back.
What did you say?

You're skull blaster? I'm soul master. Cool, dude.

So

don't step on my territory. What? You think you're the only master? I'm the soul master? No, I'm a skull blaster.
Me? He said blaster. I said master.
Soul master, skull, blaster. Get it straight.

Hey, are you guys talking about forming a villain squad? I'm Skull Soul, the master of bone blasting. Whoa, we've got to get together.
Let's do it. I love it.
I command the undead, and I have

a cannon for both arms, and then two cannons for legs.

How do you wipe? Huh? How do you wipe? I don't, man.

I don't. No need.
Everyone put a hand or a cannon in. On the count of three.

Is there room for me and your team? Oh, what's your thing? Maybe. I'm Cheese Road.

No, thank you.

Keep it moving. It's kind of the same.
I'm kind of the same as you guys. Not even a little bit.

Maybe. I don't know.
Way off. Way off.

All right. I'm going to find somebody.
Have you guys heard anybody?

Any other villains that seem similar to Cheese Road? I'm sorry, Cheese Road. Here's our Salisbury steak.
Please have a seat. Is it Cheese Road?

Like...

What? Is it... No, I have questions about Cheese Road for.
I'm sorry. I'm so messed up.
I have questions. Sorry.
My name's Chun. Hello.
Cheese Road is starting to look pretty good. I have questions.

I don't know where to start.

What is Cheese Road to you? That's my name. Okay.
And you were named that because I was born a milkman. Sorry, sorry.
You were born a milkman. No.
Not the occupation.

I was born a man made of milk. Oh, oh, okay.
Let's hear some more about that.

And then I eventually became a man made of cheese. Huh.
Oh, alright. So you had some sort of fermentation process.
Someone threw some enzymes at you? What the hell?

Then I was wrongly accused of a murder. And I had to go on the road and solve people's problems town to town.
But then I would always cheese out. Hmm.
I don't know.

We've got like a whole skull-soul thing going on.

Okay, all right. Well, that's my you were wrongly accused of a murder, so they sent you on tour? No, I was being hunted, and so I left.

Oh, and I was like going from town to town, like just sort of drifting a little bit.

So it's cheese road, not road like a road, but like the past tense of ride.

Cheese road? Yeah. Cheese road.
Cheese road. He rode at one point.
Yeah.

I thought he was saying cheese robe the whole time. Oh, do you guys know cheese robe? No, no thing.
He summons cheese robe,

the dairy sorcerer. Tis I,

the far seer of Fromage.

Oh, cheese. Cheese Robe is here again.

The conjurer of queso. Tis I.

Your cheese is open. Your cheese flaps open.
I need my nipples to breathe.

Hey, cheese robe. It's me, Cheese Road.
We should team up. Done.
Let's escape. I can make a portal.

Whoa.

Fuck, we should have fucking partnered. Oh, motherfucker.
Damn it. We should have got out of it.
Damn it. Oh, man.
I should have talked during any of this. Fuck.
Yes, Cheese Robe is the real deal.

Yes,

there are many villains.

I'll be honest with you guys, my number one observation being here at the lunch line. Yeah.
They're handing the V-word out left and right.

My god, I was just thinking the same thing. Like, any, it seems like any old shithead can get in here now.
I would say easy 20% of this prison are actually just anti-heroes. And it pisses me off.

Yeah. Yeah.
Pisses me off, okay?

Did someone say anti-hero? Here's a chocolate. Here's a chocolate.
Hello,

hello, anti-hero. Hello, boys.

Hello, anti-hero. Can I have some extra slop, please? Yes, extra slop, yes, of course.
Thank you.

The anti-hero is an ant-themed witch who makes chocolates and also is a cook of crystal meth and has a and has a

sort of side gig going on and has a really toxic relationship with her wife who is hated by the rest of the prison. Yes, no, there are many.
The f the the caliber villains. It's

fallen.

I hate to be overly nostalgic or be that guy, but it ain't like it used to be, I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah.
I mean,

with someone like Cheese Road here, you know, it's like, I feel like out in the, you know, in the real world, Cheese Road is not doing much damage, right? Am I crazy?

We can agree that Cheese Road kind of sucked, but can we make a promise that sometime in the next year or two, we'll dedicate a full episode to interviewing Cheese Robe? Because he was kind of cool.

I mean, Cheese Road was pretty interesting, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see some more of him.
But before we commit to that, let's take a short break. Did I tell you about my husband? She died.

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We're all out of the ordinary.

So, Calhaxaris. Yes.

I know we still haven't served more than two or three people, but I do have to ask you: if we can get out of here, would you maybe be interested in teaming up with us to defeat the wizards?

What's in it for me? Remember, always, Ani, to look out for number one.

What's in it for old Calhaxorus? Well, the wizards did put you here in this prison. One, don't don't you maybe want revenge? Revenge?

Or for them putting me here in this prison? My life is a prison. I served the Red Queen, dutifully, for my entire life.

If I can claw my way up from the kitchens to become warden of the prison, to eventually captain of their armies, they will let me ravish the lands of Foon, which is my dearest heart's desire.

Oppose the wizards? I seek their wicked order and to execute their terrible vision.

What if we told you that somewhere hidden in the prison, somewhere tucked away within the topless tower, is a super duper secret cum house? Go on.

Keep talking, Badger.

If you keep talking like that, this banana will papa. I'll tell you that right now.

Uh, Arnie, you sir.

Back me up. We know where it's at, right?

Well, we know how to get there.

We've heard the rhyme that will open the secret door. Arnie, you know the rhyme.
No, guys, you know me. I barely know how to make anybody come.

But you do know the rhyme of the ancient Cumhauser, right? 30.

Okay.

If thou wish to come a lot,

take a magic magic cooking pot. Cooking pot? Well, I have one right here.
One in the kitchen. My God, I have one right here.

We're so close. We're already halfway there.

Ecstasy,

you soon will soar.

Search now for that ancient door.

Ancient door. Wait a minute.
Ancient door?

You use the door. You're ancient.
Oh, come.

Once you find it. And he chose to be this way.

There's a little bit more. There's a little bit more to the rhyme

that doesn't. I'm so close to cooking Usidor.
I'm so close to it.

No need to cook, my friend. Oh, so it's find the door and then knock thrice.
Come so hard, put your dick on ice.

All right. I'm going to hit

Usidor in the head with my gauntlet three times, and hopefully I'll bust. One,

two,

three.

Usor, Usor, cast a little spell to make him come. sir.

Well, that wasn't very good at all.

I only came quite a little bit. And barely a bump in the road.
I think, uh... Well, come on, you hit llamas.
Don't say bump in the road.

Hey, take it from a guy who runs over a lot of llamas.

That was a little bump in the road, alright? Alright. Uh, well, uh,

perhaps then, if that is not as enticing, uh,

you should know what brought us here. What brought you here? One of the last villains that we knew of to disappear was none other than the Red Queen Merzia herself.

She

is here. Super big crush on her still.

She's here somewhere. We have not seen her yet.
Probably especially imprisoned in one of the places. Because she's probably one of the bigger villains in Finnish.
Tops. She's here for sure, yeah.

Yeah. She might be in like a especially unpleasant part of the topless tower.
You don't think they would have put her in the wailing ward, do you? That's the one, yeah. I heard someone say

it was the wailing ward. Yeah, we know what the wailing ward is, but

just to confirm, what is the whaling ward? The wailing ward

deep in the bowels of the topless tower lies the wailing ward behind lock and key, stone and spell. Arcane grimois lit atop black candles to keep any magic from piercing inside.

The wailing wall, filled with the moaning keens of those mourning their lost lives, is so named for the fact that it used to be a scrimshaw factory where they did wailing art.

Within the wailing ward

was this heart of the prison built and I have heard that only the most mad and powerful sorceress, wizards, warlocks, witches, fiends, and those whose very hearts dive into the deepest, darkest depths of black magic are kept there.

And if she is there,

by my very undead spirit, will I find her and ask her to go out with me?

Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

And imagine this. If you helped us defeat the wizards and we could open this place up, you'd be free to go anywhere you'd like on your date with the red-green Merzia.

Do you think we could go to my friend Evan's improv show a third time?

A third time. Jeez.
He failed 301. That's not even one of the normal ones where you can fail.
Yeah, I don't think they give you grades for that, but uh

now look, I'm going to say this to you. Uh if you go on your first date with Red Queen Merzia and you have a good time, we'll pay for the second date.

It is done.

By my own death, will I serve your quest here within the topless tower? Also, do you guys think you could help me pick out some clothes for the day? Well, sure.

What should I wear? A full top-to-bottom white suit with a white bow tie? Oh, yes, Jesus.

I think the full top-to-bottom white suit, and I think also then make sure the first eight, bring flowers, bring chocolates,

bring a giant teddy bear. Yes, put a lot of pressure on it.
Yes.

Yes. Yes, exactly.
You're right, Usidor. I shall put a tremendous amount of pressure on her.
I will let her know that it means so much to me. And that, of course, it is just a first date.

But I'll let her know with my facial expression and my tone that I need this to work.

Right, right. You don't need to get to know her.
You already know what's going on. Yes, she can't possibly impress me any more than she already has.

I don't want to create any sense of mystery or like we should get to know each other. I want it to be clear that I am a flat doormat screaming at her to walk on me.

Should we?

No, I'm just thinking, um, I don't know, like maybe

you said you have like a haunted cart that you ride around and kill llamas with or something, right? Yes.

Like maybe sell the cart, maybe get yourself like a two-wheel cart. You know those carts where it's like just two wheels and they're one right in front of the other? You know.

Are you you talking about a bicycle? Like get one of those, maybe like put some gel in your helm. You know, like get some leather armor.
You know, when you see her, be like, I don't care.

Immediately be like, I don't care. Does that make sense? Hmm.
But if I tell her that I don't care,

then that might make it seem like I don't care. And then maybe she

I you have to understand, when I slew the Gladwins, I pressed every advantage, and I leapt forward and slew them with my blade of dark steel.

And when I wished to give my soul away, I tried as hard as I could. Every success I've had in my life has been with maximum effort and feverish obsession.
And I have to assume that...

And I have to assume that dating works like that, too.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. Let's start with...
What is your... Have you taken a Moyers-Bruggs test? What's your Moir's Bruggs? Kwath, Nef, Klath, Bloth.
Oh, actually, actually, now I see it.

You're a total Waffle.

Class. Waff, Nef, Clath, Barth.
Yeah, I can see that too. I see it.
I see it. Okay.

Yeah, the Bloth was surprising, but actually, it kind of makes a lot of sense because I do actually expend more energy in social situations than I feel energized by social situations.

Yes, that's the thing about that test is that sometimes you're like, I always thought I was the opposite of that. And then when you think about it, you're like, oh, wait, no, I am.
I am that. Yes.

This fits me exactly.

It's the nice thing about the Moir's Brug and various personality tests and astrology and other ways of categorizing yourself is that you can always change how you think about yourself to make the online test right.

Exactly, of course.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but Critch the giant is here for his lunch. Can I feed him these seven goats? Oh, yes, absolutely.

Do you want me to flash fry him real quick? Yeah, flash fry him real quick. All right.
This fryer is big, so watch out.

Whoa! Oh,

all right, Ani, go ahead. Sorry, I just wanted to get Critch's lunch before he smashed us all.
I was gonna say, Calahaxaris. I was gonna say, Chef,

speaking of changing yourself, have you thought about like what's Calahaxaris at an eight? Like, you're you're usually Calahaxris at a ten.

What's Calahaxoris at an eight, or even what's Calahaxorus at a six? Whoa,

do you seek to diminish my undead light? No, no.

Is he doing a challenge? Is he doing a challenge? Like, could you be a ten at being a six?

Of course I could be a ten at being a six. I could do anything.
So I could do less than mother most because I can always do the most.

And if doing less is the most of doing, then that's the most I'll do.

Present me with a hypothetical situation. Sure, sure, sure.

Chun, are you comfortable

role-playing with Calhaxris as being the Red Queen Queen Mirzia? I'm already wearing the dress. Oh, that's writing.

Alright. Wow.
Stunning. Look at this sleek and supple badger in this gorgeous evening gown.
And smack across the face.

How dare you look me up and down?

What's your name? I have served you faithfully for long centuries. I am Calhaxorus the Grim, your swan death knight.

Please hurt me. Do anything to connect us.

Even a spell of damnation would let me know that you had seen me.

Okay, the worst part is that does seem like it's Calahactress at a six. That's the worst part about it.
Yes, that's a good six, right? You'll see it at a ten? Yes, okay.

Yeah, yeah, let's see it at ten. Okay, and Chunt, give me the slap one more time.
Okay, and a smack across the face. How dare you look me up and down? What's your name?

Oh, I oh, I hit him too hard. Oh, oh, uh, uh,

spirits of Death of Darkness on make me shatter my armor.

The head

ripped my mind apart just seeing it. Okay, here's my number.
You earned it. See, that's what you get when you come in at a 10 every time.

That's how you get the number, little Arnie. That's how you get them digits, okay?

Put this into my phone. Hold on tired with the gauntlets.

Okay.

And I will be the lover of the Red Queen.

And oh, wait, this is a roleplay. Day.
This is a role play. Yeah, but I appreciate how you really gave yourself over to it.
I'll still sleep with you. Have you thought about getting into improv?

Oh, yeah, let's do an improv show.

Thank you. For the prison, let's do an improv show.

Okay, let's.

Can we get a suggestion of anything at all, please? Die!

Murder!

I heard Wizard. Go fuck yourself.
Okay, I heard Wizard Spatula. Pineapple.

I heard pineapple. Thank you.
A reasonable, good suggestion. Pineapple.

Oh, actually, Arnie, pineapples are pretty rare in food. Does everyone here know what a pineapple is? Raise your hand if you don't know what a pineapple is.
I'm seeing a lot of hands. Okay, a lot of.

Here, I'll just conjure one and show everyone. Here, everyone, this is a pineapple.
Oh, wait, this actually works for an opening. Whoosh! We see the pineapple sits atop

another pineapple. Whoosh.
Arnie, get in there. Oh, um, it's big.
Um, oh my god,

wet, it's wet and big.

No, you don't, Oprah.

She

clapped!

Stop it!

I have won the improv set. I am the winner of the improv set.

Holy shit,

that was the best improv show I've ever been a part of.

Okay, hey, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in, guys.

Hey, amazing show. Let me go through my notes here.

I don't know if the audience liked it, but at least we had fun. Can I tell you something? Improv is not about the audience liking it, okay? Oh, good.
Okay.

It's about... Yo, oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, I know we're not supposed to note each other, but I feel like my offer was denied. I tried to decapitate Chunt, and Chunt dodged, which feels like negating my offer.

Yeah, no, I thought it was a good idea. Also, when I said it was big,

Chunt rolled his eyes. Yeah, yeah.
I think we're kind of focusing in on the problem in this group.

Are we gonna do any organic work? I wanna work on organics. Yeah, I'd like to do organic.
I'd also like, I'd just like to say,

when Arnie said it's big, I rolled my eyes because I was thinking of saying that's what she said, but then I remember Arnie said, don't say that.

So it's actually Arnie's fault.

Okay, okay, good, good, good, good, good, good. Carl Haxris, what was your question you said? Are we going to learn organic work? I thought we were going to do opening throughout.
Yeah.

And I want to work on organic thematic stuff. Yes.

I'm tired of simply ruthlessly pursuing the game of the scene. I want to do some fun organic stuff and get involved in relationships, explore relationships.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Why don't we do some trust falls? And I think that'll tick a lot of those boxes. So

you in the blue, why don't you stand up on the big goat fryer? Okay. Here we go.
And then fall backwards. Ep shit.
I should have. Okay, sorry.
My bad. Everyone get behind here.
I'm being fried alive.

Okay, hold on. It's not your turn.
Listen. Listen.
Okay, listen to understand. Don't listen to respond.
Does that make sense? Got it. Yes, Chef.

While you're in there, some goats dropped to the bottom. See if you can fish them out.
Okay, ow, ow, ow.

Speaking of fishing them out,

I do have a vacation coming up. I'm gonna go to the sea.
Could I get my five gold per person now instead of at the end? I don't like waiting around for everyone to get their five gold out. Oh,

yes, I'll get my five gold out. Absolutely.
Okay, backing up slowly, I see that.

Listen, when I give the word, we all have to scatter.

The last thing I'm planning on doing is paying this improv coach. Yeah, shouldn't the prison be paying for it? What are we doing? Yeah, agreed.
Who is this?

It's actually a big discussion in the prison right now: is that if the prison is going to mandate improv classes, they should really be paying for them. Yeah, oh, yeah.
I think that's Master Cheese.

Oh, Master Cheese is the. Oh, yes.
He's the improv coach. Yeah, that's Master Cheese.
Hey, yo.

Guys, enjoy waiting for my five coins. Five coin coin friends.

I have your five coins right here. Banana papayak!

Oh wait, were we all supposed to run in different directions?

Guys are down the hall.

Oh!

Quick, catch up!

Alright.

The Wailing Ward is not far from here. If you wish, we could try to break out the Red Queen of Merzia altogether.

But wouldn't she appreciate it more if you did it on your own? You know, we want you operating at a ten and not at a five with the rest of us making up the difference. It's a great point.

Very well. If you can give me some small piece of magical aid, at least perhaps scrying into the Wailing Ward to give me a lay of the land that I might later rescue my beloved Red Queen.

Then my blade

shall be yours in your final conquest of the wizards.

I shall try my best, but you said there are many magical impediments there, so allow me to look within my mind's eye and see what is sight beyond natural sight. Erothorotantala Thanta.

I see,

I see a pair of eyes staring down from the ceiling.

Sharpened teeth as the Red Queen Merzia

slowly draws her fingers across the badges she has collected, the mini knick-knacks and

delightful bits of

flair she loves so much. Oh, I need to find a pillow or a big book here in the prison.
Let me look around here.

She is waiting.

waiting for her knight in shining armor. So she has flare?

She has flare, Pani, right? Yeah, she's been collecting

little pins of power on a vest to eventually do away with all theme restaurants. It's her sort of her new thing.
She told me all about it when I spent a summer with her. Oh, wow.

So she's sort of become obsessed with like TGIF or like chips. A little bit.
Yeah. It's a little weird.
She's really into it, though.

She's passionate about it, so, you know, I'd let her talk about it. Huh.
Oh,

speaking of, have you been, um, Death Knight, have you been to Kraken Barrel? Love Kraken Barrel. Oh, right? The little bins game? The little bins game.

Love that. I'm an ignoramus.

Oh, yes.

I shattered the table in two when I couldn't figure it out, and the little board called me an ignoramus as well. Whoa.

Also, those big, it's like a rug, but it's checkers. Remember that? It's like a rug, but it's checkers.
Aren't you seen that? It's like a rug, but checkers?

Comically oversized. Yeah.
Like, it's like

it's like if a rug were checkers, Arnie. I don't know how else does.

I also love the restaurant chains. Politics.

That's right, you're a villain. I keep forgetting how evil you are.
I love Kraken Barrel's politics.

I walk to any table there, and I say, how do you feel about people that are different from you? And I always love the answer I get.

I love they have this terrible old-timey candy. Uh-oh,

Oh, he's still doing it. I can see the inner workings of the Red Queen Merzia's mind now.
They are laid bare to me.

She is waiting for a night.

A night to save her. Waiting for a night.
She thinks, if only he would come.

If only he would come.

Ooh. If only he would come.
Only he would come. I need to get back to the comehouse.
That always comes back to the comehouse. Boy, all roads lead.
All roads. Sorry, all ropes lead to the comehouse.

Listen, Badger, you are a filthy little creature. Of course, you burnt all right in the dirt.

I'll tell you what, I know that I have always kept a chip on my shoulder, and even now, more so because I have literal chips on my shoulders from getting the tortilla surprise ready.

But

you have so much of that tortilla surprise on you right now.

It's a fucking mess, but I'll tell you what. You guys are all right.
You guys are alright.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Chef.
Well, we'll be heading back to our cell now.

I hope you have a good rest of your day, and we'll see you tomorrow in the lunchroom. Oh, I'll be seeing you all right.

Merzia's depending on me. My final chance to prove my worth and earn her wicked love.

And if she needs a brave knight to come to her rescue, then come, I will

have

all right. That learned last week pretty long.
Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Good night, chef.

Yeah, good night, chef. Good night, chefs.

You are no longer my minions. You've banana your last papaya.

I see you as chefs and brothers. Thank you.
Whoa. Her chef.

Oh, um,

to you. I've never been, I've never felt more validated in my life.
Yeah,

you said it would take three seasons for us to be chefs. I

know, I didn't think I cared what that crazy maniac thought of me, but as soon as he gave me validation, it meant so much to me. Yeah.
Oh, man. I sure hope the Red Queen Mercy is in that room.

I just made all that shit up.

I mean, what's worse if she is or isn't? Like, is it worse if he discovers she's not there? Or is it worse the crazy shit that's gonna go down if he does actually find her?

Also, Cheesemaster missed the whole thing. I wanted notes on my

paying for for not getting notes.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I haven't gotten this much entertainment from a prison-type setting since I crashed that church talent show and insisted on doing the cell block tango while substituting in Bible names until the sextons drag me out and toss me me in an alley next to some discarded coffee cakes from Fellowship Hour.

Ugh, that takes me back. Luke, Job, Ruth, Ezra, Chronicles, Lipschitz.
Look it up, it's in there. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.
Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Calahaxorus the Grim was played by special guest Brennan Lee Mulligan. Check out Brennan's actual play podcast, Worlds Beyond Number.
Did you not get the memo, Brennan? Just one world.

The only number it's it's beyond is zero. Wherever you get your podcasts.
And check out the new version of Dimension 20. Ugh, I cannot even.
With Brennan as the DM on Dropout TV.

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Hey guys, so sorry, Cheese Master actually got a little bit sick. He got hit with an anti-cheese spell, so I'm going to sub in for him for right now.

You guys wanted notes on

the spell? Sure, if you mind. I've seen this guy improvise and he plays a lot of dogs.
I'll never trust anyone that plays animals. I love the spell, Yusador.

It was an amazing offer and I think you're an incredible verbal performer.

The writing aspect of that was awesome. I think that characterization-wise, the more dry that some of the spell casting is, the harder it is for your sort of teammates to latch onto what to do.

Think about like, how would you have cast it if you were a big old dog? There it is. There it is.
I told you.

If you were a big old dog, like if you were like, woof, woof, I'm a doggie. Okay, right.

How would you... So just like, I think making a strong choice.
Like, picture that you're starting a spell. You know, Arnie comes out and he says, I'm your dad, and we're wizards together, right?

That's fine. But if he comes out and goes, woof, woof, I'm a doggie, then you go, God, I know exactly where I am.
I know exactly what to yes and and see.

Fuck. It's just

even a broken clock is right twice a day. That's pretty good.