Season 5, Ep 51 - Prison Prince Vantis (w/ Jason Mantzoukas)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Creatures who live in the pocket of dark matter behind Neptune and whose only food source is tariffs.

What a time to be alive, right?

Well, we had a long break and we had all these plans to study story structure and plot development.

But it was either that or White Lotus.

And nothing comes between me and Parker Posey doing an accent.

So, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon, now in our 10th year.

Now in prison.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago.

Oh, guards coming.

Okay.

My guards are coming to the murder.

Murder.

Okay, he's gone.

He's gone.

Coast is clear.

Do we feel like we're convincing in our evil banter and chat?

Listen to how many times we said murder just now.

That's true.

We did.

Oh,

10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast chronicling our adventures in Foon.

Unfortunately, we've been zapped to a maximum security prison for villains and that's where we're doing the podcast now and ani you said that zapped was one of your favorite films zapped one of my favorite films all especially the ethics of that movie unimpeachable but once again i want to be clear i'm talking as a villain i'm talking as a villain now

man i wish we had gone into a minimal security prison i know it would be so much easier to get out i would love to just fly right out of here but you saw what happened last week.

Someone just got obliterated.

So, listeners, if you didn't listen last week, shame on you.

But also,

we are in the topless tower, an evil prison, I believe, run by wizards, filled with the worst villains in all of Foon.

And Arnie, I think a tower can be topless and bottomless as long as there's no drinks.

But if there are drinks, it can only be topless.

I believe.

Yes.

Yes.

And there has to be pastries, right?

Yes, two pastries per person.

Oh, they just actually they dropped off our pastries for today, let me

see.

It's like an eclair?

Yeah.

I will say the accommodations here are overall pretty bad, but the pastries are delicious.

So good.

Now, Ani, now that we've infiltrated this villain prison, how should we go about

letting these villains free?

I mean, they're being held here without due process,

which I have recently come to believe is necessary.

I'm gonna blow your mind here I don't know if kings should be allowed to just do whatever the hell they want It does seem like the wizards are unduly benefiting from the prison system that they've set up like do you know that this prison has the most prisoners of any other part of Foon?

Did you know that Tim Tam the teal has a pastry business conflict of interest?

Mm-hmm.

Did you know that the shapeshifter head weighs 35 pounds?

Did you know that Luke Skywalker was originally called Luke Skykiller?

Or something like that?

What?

It wouldn't mean anything.

I don't know if that's exactly right, but I would know

what no one here would know differently.

Oh, yeah, didn't you say Ryan Gosling invented jizz or something?

Mm-hmm.

He invented jizz.

Isn't that what you always say?

You say La La Land was robbed?

Is that a that's like an earth saying you always say?

Yeah, all things I say.

Huh.

Guys, let's find some villains and try at the very least.

the pastories.

Uh-oh.

Oh, that's

very familiar.

Hey, across the way, is that another round, boys?

He's talking to a bunch of propped-up sacks of rice.

Give me every bit.

All of these bits, all these little guys.

Okay, who's

playing?

He's playing cards with a bunch of sacks of rice.

Uh-oh.

Oh,

someone's bluffing.

I know that look.

That's unmistakably none other than Sweet Prince Khan Vantis.

Yeah.

Should we...

Cheating?

No, you're cheating!

Oh, that bag of rice never stood a chance.

I will say, he seems crazy.

But the way he's pantomiming this game, along with these sacks of rice, I feel like I can follow every detail of it.

He appears to be...

Do you see through the box?

He doesn't appear to be locked up, though, like us.

Do you think he's working?

You guys wait here.

I'll be right back.

I gotta go take a look.

Whoa, he just swallowed a seagull whole.

Now he's swallowing a handful of rice.

Oh, and it looks like the seagull exploded inside his stomach.

Oh, cruel.

Cruel.

Is that what a pee is?

Is that what he thinks a pee is?

You know what?

I feel bad just talking about him without talking to him.

Excuse me.

Sweet Prince Fantas?

Who's there?

That's Peter.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Oh!

Oh, you guys are in Mitch's cell.

Oh, oh, was Mitch here before?

Oh, yeah, Mitch was my best friend.

I'm so sorry.

What happened to Mitch?

Why is he no longer here?

Oh, they they zapped him.

Yeah, he got he got full-blown zapped.

So much zapping.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They came down, full-blown zapped him, turned him into a puddle of goo.

Nah, I don't like the ethics of that.

But here's the deal.

Here's the deal, Mitch, R.I.P., you got- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Don't I know you guys?

It's been a few years.

Wait a minute.

Don't I know at least one of you guys?

You know all three of us.

We are your best friends in the whole world.

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I know that guy.

I know the one guy.

But who are you?

Wait a minute.

Do I know all of you guys?

Are you guys a rice?

The saxa rice?

The saxa rice?

Arnie, that's a song you sing in your sleep.

You take the good,

you take the bad, right?

Yeah, you take them.

You take them both.

There you have.

The saxa was was rice.

Yeah.

The womb member.

Yeah.

I'm Chunt the Badger.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Chunt the Badger.

And I am Usador, the greatest wizard in all of Foon.

But not one of those bastard wizards who started this prison.

Chunt the Badger.

Chunt.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm just trying to remember it.

I know, like, four different chunts.

You do.

Chunt the Badger.

Chunt the Badger.

Do you think it was like when you were born, Chunt?

Do you think it was like everyone was like,

CTB?

My guess is there was a bunch of chunts in school.

Oh, yeah.

So they were like, oh, that's Chunt W, that's Chunt M, that's Chunt the Badger.

Yeah.

Yeah, a shapeshifter, but I go by Badger for folks who can't remember.

But yeah, Chunt was, I want to say, the 3,485th most popular name in Foon the year I was born.

Wow,

right below Skylar, right above Dennis.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,

There's a lot of Denny's.

I run across a lot of Denny's.

So wait, you're a shapeshifter?

Um, yeah, yeah.

Cool, cool.

Going through a bit of a thing where I'm being asked to, like, let go of that power and maybe be a badger full time, so I'm kind of crying to be honest.

Yeah.

People don't trust you guys.

People don't trust shapeshifters.

I do.

No, no, I trust them.

I feel like shapeshifters need more, you know, like they shouldn't.

I think people don't like that you can take on, you know, the images, sacrilegious images or images of people that have left or gone or you can trick us with, you know, by taking the body of someone that we love.

I mean, you could be Mitch right now if you wanted, if you knew what Mitch looked like.

Did you guys know Mitch?

You just told us about him.

You said you got turned into a puddle of goo, right?

Good guy.

Great guy.

Oh, wait, let me, here, did you get to say goodbye?

Let me just...

Mitch.

We got to get you out of here.

The wizards are coming, man.

They're going to goo you.

I heard them saying they're going to zap you.

they're gonna full-blown goo you mitch whoever these guys are let's kill these two and get out of here

hold on hold on mitch mitch talk some reason into him uh i i like these guys oh fuck where's your water helmet mitch we gotta get you we gotta get your gills wet oh quick you two quick we gotta piss on his wet we gotta piss on his gills we gotta get this time yes all right

Mitch is so into it.

Usually he's not into this at all.

He's breathing the stuff.

Wow, wow.

I've been in here a while.

This is wild.

I suppose we could cease our urination and I could just conjure a water helmet for Mitch.

Oh, that would be great.

Thank you, Usidor.

Thank you.

Ear off, parole, come on.

Whoa,

Mitch.

How's that feel?

Pretty good.

Cool.

All right.

Okay, now, so we got Usidor, we got Arnie, and now we've got Mitch for the rest of the episode?

That's great.

I can't imagine.

I can't imagine

that's a voice that people wouldn't want to hear and or do for long periods of time.

I don't know if I want to gargle Piss for a mouth.

That's not what Mitch would say.

Quiet, quiet.

I hear someone coming even now.

The gods.

Sweet Prince Francis, are you here as a

prisoner yourself?

Listen, I've been here a while.

I was one of the first guys in, okay?

Really?

They got me.

But to be honest, I liked it.

I, you know, it was right before they got really crazy.

I was still pretty weird and hazy after that long nap I took.

So being in here I found gave me the structure that I needed.

The outside world, it was just too open-ended.

I just had too many choices for an adventure, and I would rather not choose my own.

Damn.

I'd rather have my adventure chosen for me in some ways.

So here I am.

They don't lock my cell.

I just walk around.

They're not so worried that I'm going going to escape because I don't want to.

Sure.

You know?

I guess we could see if a prison is underpopulated, especially at the beginning.

It's, in a way, it could be like a yoga retreat.

You might have a little bit of a white lotus situation.

What's that?

What's that?

Um, hmm, that's something that I would not know about.

But I've seen distantly on the internet mentions people just keep talking about white lotus.

What's the internet?

Yes, what's the internet on it?

So imagine if all the bags of rice in the world

could have access to you and you could hear all their thoughts.

Oh, no, thank you.

That would be incredible.

That's like so many friends.

Yeah.

But everyone, yeah, every once in a while a bag of rice will be like, yeah, you did a good job.

And you'll enjoy that way too much.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Whoa.

But you know what?

I feel like...

Even if the majority of the bags of rice were into what I was doing, if like one bag of rice said, you're not not funny, I would think about that bag of rice forever.

Yeah,

disproportionately, for sure.

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, that's the only bag of rice in the goddamn world.

Also, if I somehow like wandered by one bag of rice that I kind of know, having an argument with a family member, bag of rice that I didn't know, I would just start arguing with that family member, even though I don't know them.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Interesting.

This bag of rice metaphor gotten away from me.

Prince Fantas, I see on your knuckles you have sack and rice,

sort of tattooed or yeah, yeah.

I carved it in there.

And then

I got the holes now, so I just jam like dirt and coal in there just to like make it stick out because it's really hard to find any kind of ink or anything like that.

You know,

so you know, I imagine it's hard to take a grain of rice and carve into your fingers with just very hard, very hard, but that's why I go through a lot of them.

I go through a lot of them.

And what you're seeing here now is this is Mitch goo.

You You know, this is Mitch goo.

I put my fists in Mitch's goo, and that's that's stained my hands for the last couple of couple of days.

What an honor to

treat him.

I fight with him on my knuckles.

It's beautiful.

That's really beautiful.

How did you and Mitch meet?

Well,

he was, that cell used to be my cell.

He was tossed right in there.

And for

almost a year, we didn't speak a word to each other.

Oh.

And then you were best friends friends after that?

Well, you know what we did?

We did one of those one-line stories, Exquisite Corpse.

So we would just write one line a day to each other, and then at the end of that year, we read the story that we'd created and we both cried.

Whoa,

Arnie, you and SPV should try that.

You kind of create a story one word at a time.

Ooh, you sir, what's a good title for a story?

A story never before told.

The Bath Maidens of Excelsior.

Sorry, that's the one Mitch and I did.

Oh, sorry.

The Bath Maidens of Excelsior was the exact one we did.

Wow, which is weird.

I mean, really, everybody is getting, you know what?

It's because you guys are, it's because he died so recently.

Like, he's been, like, I've seen his ghost.

I've seen his specter.

He's been around, you know.

And you know what?

Now that you mention it, I think I see what you guys wrote on this wall over here.

Chunt, do you want to read it?

Whoo, I still got piss in my eyes.

Can't quite make it out.

You sir, you want to give it a shot?

Oh, no, I think you're good.

Okay,

here's the thing: I can see that this is a struggle, you know, because probably Mitch's and I handwriting is not so great.

So, why don't the four of us recite it in unison?

Love it.

Yes,

okay.

Once

there was

a girl

who

wants washed

her

hair

under

the mountain.

Top, top.

And then the next line of the exquisite corpse is just, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That is, by the way, that's Mitch.

And spoiler alert, every time I didn't know this for so long because I wasn't looking at his lines really,

he was just doing that.

He would just write that.

And he really was pretty crazy.

Yes.

I found at the end of it after that year that he really, they had really addled his mind with spells.

Oh, it's terrible.

Yeah.

Nothing worse than being addled.

And a certain way, what's that?

Nothing worse than being addled.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Well, why don't we take a quick break and I'm going to wash the piss out of my eyes and mouth.

And we'll be right back with more of Sweet Prince Mantis.

Oh, card, card, card.

Speech?

Rock Hudson.

Murder, murder, murder, murder,

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So SVP.

S-P-V?

SPV.

Sorry.

I don't know who I was thinking.

I was thinking of somebody else.

No, no, no.

If you're hanging in with me, you got a bad case of SPV.

They say a lot of people have it and don't even know it.

Oh, yeah, you should get tested.

How does one test for Sweet Prince Fantas?

I'll tell you right now, you got it, because I'm so close to you.

You got it.

You got it.

Oh, yeah.

It's airborne.

It's an airborne toxic event.

Yeah, plus you pissed in my mouth and eyes, but

oh, yeah.

You're welcome.

So how have you been doing with reacclimating to the world?

You were asleep for for a hundred years.

I was asleep for a hundred years.

You know, I thought I was, I'll be honest, I thought I was going to be king.

You know, I fell for the sweet siren song of power, and I thought I would be king.

And honestly, I thought that that was going to make me happy.

Yeah.

Thank God I didn't become king.

You know, especially of the northeast.

Hard pass.

Not interested.

I don't even like the northeast.

Why did I want to be king of it?

You know what?

I was king of the northeast for like 30 seconds and I didn't like it either.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a hassle, it's a job nobody wants.

So, let Tom Belleroth have it.

Piece of shit.

Yeah, he really is.

Well, it's understandable because sometimes you imagine yourself, you imagine a life for yourself, right?

You're born a prince, and the natural evolution is that you would become a king.

Yeah.

So, when that doesn't happen, sometimes that can be very disconcerting.

It's really a moment where you either dig in and live the rest of your life with regrets, or you pivot, or you lean in, right?

I leaned into this scenario here in this prison.

Guess what?

I'm thriving.

I'm thriving.

I'm gaining power inside of this hierarchical structure.

And guess what?

When I get out of here, eventually, when we take over this place and burst through these walls and kill these wizards and take over all of Foon,

parts of that, but not all of it.

When we are committing murder and mayhem, let me be clear, it won't be because we're seeking power.

It will be, though, for revenge.

And I noticed you have sort of a, is that called a bandolero?

What's that called?

Bandolero?

Sure, yeah.

It's called a bandolero.

Human teeth, it looks like, across the tree.

Yeah,

it's a trophy sash.

It's a trophy sash.

I've got, you know, different, I've got teeth.

I've got a couple ears.

I had some balls on there, but they fell off a while ago.

This one is for fire making.

This one's for first aid.

This one is not

the K-N-O-T-S not.

This is sanctioned by the prison.

They're specifically giving you these things.

Yeah.

Is this a system of your own?

Do they realize pretty quick that we needed stuff to do, stuff to like aspire to?

They needed to put us on a track so that we would want to get stuff, you know, and in reality, smart for them because, boy, we all became obsessed with it.

We got so deep into these sashes and collecting all the trophies and badges that we stopped trying to break out of the prison.

We stopped trying to attack the wizards.

We really just got, you know,

I love having a task.

Yeah.

Arnie, write down Gamify prison.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's something.

That's something.

Yeah, for real, you know, and they're, you know what else these guys are doing, these wizards that's smart?

They're making it for profit.

They're making money off of this.

Yeah, right.

Same time the TO owns the whole pastry business.

Huge, huge.

So smart to get offerings for a profit because you guys didn't eat those pastries, did you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Well, actually, I saved one.

It's, I don't know if you want it.

It's a red dessert.

No, no, no.

You don't want a red dessert?

Do not eat that.

Why shouldn't we eat the pastries?

These pastries are from the wizards.

They have magical properties.

They can, not every pastry, but you know, if they think you're out of line, if they think you're going to escape, they will magic these pastries so that it takes away your will to live, your aspirations, anything that you think you might do.

They can full-blown just change you.

They can goo you with an eclair.

And half of the goo in eclairs,

I mean, I'm sure if you had an eclair, I'm sure you had a bit of itch.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I did have an eclair.

Oh, for sure.

Is that for sure?

Chicken heads growing out of my chest?

The pastries are people.

The pastries are people.

You are a cannibal, and that is definitely why there's a chicken head growing out of your chest.

You're only lucky that it appears to be dead or dying.

Yes, it does appear to be dying.

I know a lot of guys who have thriving chicken heads all over their body.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yes, no longer shall we eat the pastries.

Thank you for the warning.

You're really helping us acclimate to this new environment.

You know, it's kind of my thing.

I go to the new guys and I give them a little bit of help.

You'd be surprised how many people aren't interested in my help.

It doesn't go well for them.

I appreciate that you have a mentoring system.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I want what's best for everybody here.

I want everybody in here to get out and get a job and have their lives better by this day.

You know, and that's...

Listen, that's not what the wizards want.

The wizards just want you to fuck up so they can goo you.

They zap you, they goo you, you're done, right?

I mean, I'm a wizard.

Uh, I'm not one of these wizards who runs the prison, but I mean,

I know you're a wizard.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Usidor is a wizard?

Yes, I'm the wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tracis, the Elsinomius Fian Yalak, the Dwarves Nomi, Zonin, whose stanches I'm known throughout the North Sea as Casmanius Maestock.

Okay, see, I think I don't remember it because every time you say all that, I zone out.

Sure, yeah, I get that a lot.

It's so much.

What was that?

Oh, Arnie, that reminds me.

I'm so sorry I have to do this.

When we went to the first break, SPV whispered in my ear that I'm supposed to knock out the biggest guy here, so I'm gonna have to knock you out.

Is that okay?

Um, okay, I guess so.

Okay, just uh

whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, don't fight.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, chunt, does it help if I pretend to fall over?

Oh, guys, don't fight!

Yeah, I die.

Well, never mind.

Hey, you told me, You already don't.

You knocked out me.

Come on, Arnie.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, chunt.

Everybody, baby.

Hey, stay away from chunt.

Hey, chunt, be cool.

Hey, chunt, be be cool.

Are you cool, man?

Are you cool, man?

Come on.

You told me you said the biggest guy here.

Knock him out.

Oh, you think Arnie's the biggest guy here?

Wait till we get to the cafeteria.

There's a giant.

There's a giant downstairs.

Oh, shit.

This guy's like 17 feet tall.

Oh, fuck.

It's crazy.

He's so thin, though.

Yeah, they don't have enough food.

So you can't.

If we band together, we can kill a giant.

Okay.

I think we can do it.

Arnie, stand up.

No one believed that.

Well, because

so much work getting back up off the ground.

Oh, yeah.

Also, you start to faint and scream with a southern accent?

What is your process?

I was just trying to make a choice.

I was just making choices.

You know what I mean?

Did you say that you were taking the vapors?

Yes, exactly.

I don't have a fainting couch or anything like that, but yeah.

Oh, actually,

I'm a little peckish.

SPV, could we head to lunch now?

Let's go.

Oh,

could you get us out of this cell?

Oh, guys,

stick with me.

We got free reign at this place.

Let's get out of here.

Let's walk down to the...

Oh, I'll show you guys a shortcut.

There's, by the way, so many secret passages in this prison.

Now be careful, because a lot of them have traps.

Okay.

And there's rats everywhere.

Well, I could just cast a spell of detect traps.

Don't do wizard shit, man.

Don't do wizard shit.

Here's the deal.

Don't do wizard shit inside the wizard prison because if they find out you're a wizard,

you're fucked, dude.

Yeah, Usidor.

it's sort of like a cop going to prison.

If other prisoners find out you're a wizard, they're gonna go crazy.

And if the wizards find out you're a wizard, they're gonna make you a guard.

Oh, shit.

I never should have come here.

This was a terrible idea.

Yeah, yeah,

and everybody in the prison has real hatred for prisoners who become guards.

Fucked.

I gotta get out of here, man.

I'm freaking out.

Wait, Usidor.

Hey, hey, I know what to do.

Arnie looks tough with a black eye, right?

Like, nobody would.

Let me.

Whoa.

Don't fight.

Don't fight.

Chunt.

Chuck, don't fight.

Chunt is so powerful.

Oh, I tried to hit you, son.

Stop announcing.

Arnie is so big.

Lordy, Lord.

Chuck is.

Lordy, Lord.

What is this?

The toughest son of a bitch in the world.

No one died.

This is terrible.

Blanche Dubois?

A street card name to spare Arnie.

What are you doing?

Nah.

Nah.

Come on, follow me, guys.

Follow me.

Oh,

now we can get flopped before everybody.

Oh, what's up?

And if anyone asks, I'm a sorcerer.

Oh, of course.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Careful, careful, because if they ask you to perform an act of sorcery, can you do it?

I think it's not wizardry.

They'll know the difference.

I think I can fake it.

I think I'll be able to get by.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, right down here, this is

East Wing.

This is pretty chill.

Everybody hears a blast.

You're going to hear a lot of stuff just because everybody here's a murderer, but believe me, I'd I'd rather be with the murderers than everybody else in this place.

Well, this guy just gave me a card for one free massage.

Okay, don't get a massage from him.

Don't do that.

Oh, okay.

Guys, you don't fall for

the first day of prison tricks, you know?

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Smile.

That's good.

That's good.

What's so lucky we ran into you, sweet Prince Fantasy.

Right here's the library.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you can take out one to three scrolls a week.

Okay.

I think I see a trapdoor you were talking about.

Careful.

Pulls on a grimoire.

Okay, nothing happens.

Nope, that's just a grimoire.

That's just a grimoire.

You can check that out if you want.

It's pretty great.

You know, probably some elven stuff in there, you know, some prequel stuff.

Yeah.

You know, I remember hearing, Sweet Prince Fantas, that you're famous throughout Foon of always having great reading recommendations.

You like to take in scrolls.

Do you have any scrolls you've been reading lately?

I like to recommend them.

Listen, I love to read.

I love love to read what can i say you know based on what you like to read and what's here in the library what's like the lven diagram well for me

i've read a i've read a series of scrolls that i cannot recommend enough and they are called up from beneath the ground oh right and it is a series of scrolls that are about a cataclysm that has happened right and everyone in the land has gone underground to live in caverns and caves and you can get why i like it it's It's very much the people find themselves in circumstances that are not unlike this prison, right?

Yeah, it's sort of like

Arnie, what's the opposite of escapism?

Invadism?

Yeah.

Imprisonism?

Well, it sounds like this book is speculating about a possible series of events that haven't occurred.

But since it's fictionalizing it, this speculative fiction is allowing you to imagine what may happen.

Oh, yes.

Well, I do, I will say, the books are transcribed by a monk who believed that this cataclysm would in fact start, oh, geez, in like

in a couple of weeks, I think.

It's like, it's pretty eerie.

Actually, it might even be.

Do either of you have the time or day?

I have no idea where I am in time space.

I only say this because the same monk who wrote these scrolls wrote a bunch of other scrolls and everything in those scrolls came true.

so i'm curious if if these scrolls are in fact prophetic oh actually um marnie you may not remember this years and years ago when you first came to foon in your car you had uh i think it was a 2014 far side calendar so let me i always keep it on me so let me see what

you always keep that on you hold on okay so there's a lady she's got kind of a beehive hairdo.

She's talking to a cow.

Yes.

Now the cow has a string of pearls around her neck and sort of a house dress.

And beneath the cow and the woman, there's sort of a chicken.

Now, the chicken is smoking a cigarette.

And the caption says,

Well, I don't know what to do.

Not its best.

Oh, it looks like it's a Monday.

It's a Monday.

Oh, okay, it's Monday, Monday, but do we know?

It doesn't matter.

I think if I'm right, if I've parsed out the number of moon rises and moonsets, then I think I can say pretty well within reason that the prophecy of those scrolls

I feel like might have just started.

See, the scrolls begin, the scrolls begin with three new arrivals in the tunnels underground.

Oh,

let's be on the lookout.

Let's be on the lookout for this.

The three fools.

The whole thing kicks off with the three fools.

Three idiots, or the three idiots, depending on the translation.

Yes, that spot.

Okay, with that idea.

And upon their arrival, they meet.

oh, interesting, they meet a prince, and the cataclysm begins.

This is reminding me of something so much.

Okay, so this is the laundry.

This is hugely important.

This is, you know, you probably get a job in here,

you know, or whatnot.

You know, I spend a lot of time in here.

It just feels nice.

It smells good.

You know,

you can, the din of the machines and

the soft,

you never get like a soft towel in your cell.

But here, boy,

you can fold them, you can lie in them.

It's great.

Oh, wow.

I see a few villains are making a pillow for it over there?

Those are cells.

Those are pillow cells.

Pillow cells.

Those are pillow cells.

Those are villains whose weakness or whose natural enemy is feathers.

Yeah,

sharpest villains, Arnie.

Like, where do they least want to be?

Yeah.

Somewhere where their sharpness doesn't allow them any.

Imagine, if you will,

a villain who could completely control anything metal.

You know, you might put him in

a plastic box or a glass box.

Something could just be SPV, real quick.

Yeah.

Could that guy just like take the metal out of the guard's blood, right?

Oh,

am I crazy?

I see.

Just pull the metal straight out of blood, the iron.

Right?

Yeah, I don't know if that would be enough, but yeah, I love that.

As a concept, I love that.

That would be great.

And for anybody, for anybody who's told stories that have that as a character or a character trait and hasn't considered this, you feel like a grade idiot now, don't you?

You've been made an absolute fool of.

What would we call this mysterious fictional person?

I'd call him Metallo.

Ooh,

Metallurgy, Metal...

Metal Mike, Metal

Met Owl.

Is that something?

Met Owl.

I like that.

What else?

What else?

Maybe I'm thinking too much about the blood thing, but I think I'd call him Iron Man.

Hey, that's a good idea.

You know, because of the iron in the blood.

He fights with the iron in people's bloods.

Hey, SPV, tugging at SPV's rope.

Hey, SPV.

Hey, hey, be cool, man.

Hey, sorry.

It felt like you didn't really acknowledge that I said Aluma Tim.

Aluma Tim?

Well, that is his name Tim or Timothy?

I think it's Alumina.

I thought we were just having fun throwing out names.

And what if,

why wouldn't it be Alumini Tim?

Fuck.

I do like that.

Alumini Tim is also a valid pronunciation, I suspect.

Yeah, that's true.

I suspect so as well.

Hey, Alumini Tim.

Okay, man, that is good.

Okay, right.

Ah, I suppose this is.

Here we are.

Here's the cafeteria.

The cafeteria, yes.

Nice.

So pretty much, you know, it's first come, first serve.

Sit wherever you want.

But for you three, I would genuinely say, oh, weird.

The only three seats left

are the hot seats.

The hot seats.

The hot seats.

Yeah, they, uh...

Yeah, so everything's pretty cold in here, you know, but there's three seats that are roasting hot.

Okay.

Let me go try and sit in it.

Oh, careful.

I just ran into this pole in the middle of the...

Oh, shit.

That's like...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

17 foot tall?

Nope.

That's the giant's leg.

Oh, no.

That's not a pole, bro.

Oh, shit.

Okay, I gotta knock this guy out.

Arnie, I gotta knock this guy out.

Yeah, this guy's pretty big.

Do you need me to lift you up to get closer to his knees?

Yeah, could you do you mind?

Okay,

upies, upies, upies.

Okay, okay.

All right, let me let me see if I can shapeshift just my fist.

Okay,

all right, and let me just if

oh, yeah, that's not gonna work.

He's very

he didn't even notice that.

His name is Critch, if you want to try and talk to him.

Uh, okay, uh, Critch, this is my friend Chunt.

Uh,

He's going to take you out.

I, of course, am a stupid meatbag of a sorcerer, just a human who learned magic like an idiot.

Yes, very funny, right?

Is he laughing at us or did he think of something funny?

Are you laughing at us or did you think of it?

Are you thinking of something funny?

I think he's watching something.

Or maybe he's listening to a, maybe he's listening to something.

I don't know.

Maybe he's not listening to us at all.

I mean, he's so high up there.

They really, the sound almost never reaches him.

If you maybe, if we got up on tape, the only conversations I've had with him are when he's lying down, if I'm honest.

Oh.

Well, maybe I could sorcel

up.

Be careful, man.

Be careful.

Be careful.

In this place,

you specifically really got to be careful.

I'll knock him out when he's asleep.

Sorry, I wandered off for a second.

Those seats were hot.

Yeah, right?

Those seats were really hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

no, you're gonna have trouble sitting down for a while.

Okay, it's a real tushy burner.

I suppose we can't sit here and eat then.

So I guess we'll take a quick break and figure out how to do it.

Oh, on your travels, that's the one thing about being in here that's tough: I'm unable to continue my search for my true love, who is missing Karen McManus.

Beloved, the most beautiful woman.

I think we saw something that she was like head of treasury for the Kiwanis Club or something.

Oh, oh, good for her.

I had a vague recollection that she lived a full and happy life after you went to sleep and then just probably.

So you think, oh, wow.

So you think while I was asleep for 100 years, those 100 years passed in real time for her?

I suspect so.

When you're asleep,

does it make me a narcissist that I think that when I

fell asleep, when I go to sleep, everybody else just shuts down?

What does that mean?

Ah.

None of us here are mental health professionals.

I understand.

Like, when I go to sleep, you guys are still out there doing stuff, but that's just because I don't really care about you.

But the people that I care about, the people that I love, mustn't they somehow only exist when I'm aware of them or when I'm...

Then perhaps you're asleep even now.

And when you're awake, Mitch will be back.

Oh, that would be great.

Oh, but I wouldn't be able to hang out with you guys.

Yeah.

Well, you don't care about us, apparently.

I feel like without you, we'd be in real trouble in this prison.

Like, you're our mentor.

You're mentoring us.

Oh, yeah.

No, you guys are gonna.

It's so lucky you came here today because it's my day to mentor the new guys.

And if you got any of the other mentors, they're genuinely terrible.

Oh, man.

Like, Critch the bitch.

Be cool.

Be cool.

Be cool.

Be cool.

Let's go to break.

Let's go to break.

Let's go to break.

Let's go to break.

So, Ani, if the three idiots precipitate the beginning of this cataclysm, yeah, and the three of us appear today,

who are the other two idiots?

What

I don't understand.

I'm sorry, I'm so distracted by Chuck getting the shit kicked out of him.

Chun's really getting

he's just getting whipped around like a dog.

Critch has him 25 feet in the air.

Yes,

uh, Critch, this is this is uh, this is Rock Hudson the ogre.

Uh you please put my friend down.

He really responds to pillow talk.

Pillow talk.

Okay.

I can I can I can do that.

Yeah, it's me.

That's the only thing Rock Hudson when I know

I just make sure you continue to assist me with this charade.

Critch,

Critch,

I just want you to know that I think you're a beautiful lady, And when I look into your eyes, I am

ensorceled by your beauty and your charm.

Would you like to hold hands with me while we walk past the river?

Well,

how about tomorrow night?

You and I.

This is good.

This is good.

You're in.

You're in.

Okay.

I think I have a date tomorrow night with Critch.

Okay.

You make sure you are not on that date.

I have yet to see anyone survive a date with Critch.

Okay.

I'll just have to

transform myself into a dog or something.

No, no, he loves dogs.

Loves dogs.

Okay.

He must love dogs.

That's a whole thing for him.

Maybe if I turn myself into like a

so you can shapeshift too?

So everybody here can shapeshift but me.

Not me.

Not me.

Oh, Arnie, you can't?

Arnie, you can become a southern woman.

Yeah,

I saw you shapeshift into someone expecting a gentleman caller.

It felt more like a community shapeshifting, but

the kind of community level shapeshifting, but you know.

Dinner shapeshifting.

Yeah,

like dinner shapeshifting.

Yeah, exactly.

Cabaret tables shape-shifting.

Like a parlor shapeshift.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, but that's all right.

Yes, I i could shapeshift in commercials right

you think you could get in commercials

maybe like local

i don't take it

well uh yes i can cast a glamour over myself to make myself appear to be something else uh that is one of my many prodigious powers uh i shouldn't be i shouldn't be bragging about that i should really shaggy wizards will if you do a bunch of stuff the wizards are on it they are very aware there's a lot of like uh alarms that go off they're they're monitoring for any magic use and sorcery use loose spells you know like you want to buy a loosey from one from anybody in here a loose spell it's gonna cost you and guess what they're gonna know about it oh yeah well that's one of my favorite things i'm they call me loosey you see yeah so i you know i i love a loose spell oh yeah god damn it i'm heard that the wizards are kind of slowly siphoning the magic off of the top they're like almost embezzling the magic out of this place oh they are profiting from this.

This much power inside of this prison, all of these people, all of these murderers, all of these pillagers, all of these people,

all of these things, all of these beasts.

I mean, Mitch alone.

Mitch must have wiped out thousands of people.

He was a prolific murderer of villagers, you know, and they are just siphoning that hatred and that power, that raw power.

We're like

something that stores a bunch of power, and then somebody else or something else can use that stored power at will they can turn it on and off so they're just pulling that power from us okay

it's like those batteries you've told us of i think you're thinking of assault

i don't i don't think i am but uh but that's fine never mind uh spv so um uh there was mitch um there was critch uh so mitch critch who are some of the other prisoners around here okay there's Lilo.

Lilo.

But Lilo has a friend, right?

Yep.

Mark.

Okay.

Lilo Mark.

Yep.

It's Mitch.

Mark looks like Mitch Critch.

Mark looks like Mitch of this world.

Mitch, Critch, Lilo, Mark.

Mitch, Critch.

Lilo, Mark.

What's that?

Just with names, if I make a little song, a little diddy, it kind of helps me.

Mitch, Mitch.

Damn it.

Mitch, Critch, Lilo, Mark.

Mitch, Critch, Lilo, Mark, okay, okay, okay.

Uh, uh, oh, oh, yeah, so, okay, Steward and the poison,

the poison, the poison that's what he says, that's what he calls himself.

Someone said they knew him on the outside, and his name was Gary, but he calls in here, he calls himself the poison.

Okay, the poison.

He's pretty cool, actually.

I mean,

it's a pretty badass nickname.

You know, it sounds corny at first.

A lot of people in here have nicknames, FYI.

You know,

what's your what's your name?

I don't have one.

I'm still Sweet Prince Vantis.

I love that.

It's so good.

It's so good.

SPV, it really rolls right off the tongue, you know?

So, you know, the minute I got here, I just was rocking it.

Most of them don't even know that it's Sweet Prince Vantis.

They just call me SPV.

Oh, well, that's good.

You know, SPV, I have to say, you really do seem like you're thriving here in Spain.

Thriving.

I was able to just recently give an interview

on a conservative

interview

just recently.

Probably podpires.

Probably.

Probably

there's a rival podcast that popped up.

It's two vampires, and they're pretty conservative.

It's a lot of.

I just did it.

I just did it.

They really welcomed me.

I got in a bunch of trouble for doing it.

The wizards put me in solitary.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I just appreciate you seem, you know, before you were here, I feel like every time we saw you, you were wildly trying to kill people.

And since we've done this, you know, I've really softened.

I've really softened, you know, being here has really changed my whole outlook.

I'm, yes, I'm, you know, slowly amassing a powerful army to commit an act of revenge that will be, you know,

registered as iconic for the rest of time.

Sure.

But, you know, short of a cataclysm happening, I'm having like one of the best years of my life, if I'm honest.

I'm writing again oh that's exciting your outlook really has changed i mean oh yeah word that is awesome yep it's pretty great i'm writing a pretty good romance right now okay details well you know it started as a book it's honestly it started as the thing is the thing that mitch and i were talking about mitch and i started writing about you know and it's about it's about it's about it's about it's about us right it's about me it's about karen mcmanus it's about mitch as a lovable laughing giant, you know, whose just wanton bloodlust and thirst for chaos, murder, and revenge is driving us forward into a, frankly, very romantic period of time, you know?

Is this like a thrupple situation?

No, no, it's not.

It's just, it's me, it's Karen McManus, and Mitch is there as our kind of

He's a kind of

a guardian angel or a guardian devil.

Because I don't know if if I mentioned this, but Mitch had horns.

Oh,

yeah.

I remember that from when Chunt was Mitch for a little while.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody in here called him horny.

So you hear people calling, if you hear people saying horny, they're talking about Mitch.

He didn't like it, so I always called him Mitch.

Although, to be honest, I don't know if that was his name.

Oh,

I gave it to him, and he didn't seem to mind.

Okay, okay.

Well, I mean, sometimes when we forge friendships, we give each other names,

We have our own language betwixt ourselves.

The bonds of those friendships are built on.

Isn't that true, Ani and Chunt?

Hmm.

Sorry, I was...

I couldn't help but notice.

You know how SPV was talking about the cataclysmic event, three idiots talking to a prince?

Look over there.

There's three inmates talking to a guy that's kind of in the shape of a symbol.

Kind of looks like his body's kind of pretzeled into a symbol.

Sure.

Oh.

The guy in purple.

The symbol?

Yeah, for like a kind of...

And you imagine that that symbol means he used to be a prince.

Yes, like he's a drink.

He might formally have been known as a prince.

Well, that's the artist.

That's the artist.

That's the artist.

Yeah.

He used to have a name.

I can't remember what it was.

But he just takes to calling himself the artist.

He wrote the word slave on his cheek.

And

whenever he needs to sign something, he just leaves an enigmatic glyph.

Oh, wow.

So you think those three idiots over there may be the idiots causing the trouble?

Although, now that I'm looking around, over there, there are three court jesters, and for some reason, they're talking to a reproduction of a tapestry that's just on the wall.

Yeah.

Yep.

There used to be a tapestry there, but it ripped and fell down, so they replaced it with that

very cheap recreation of it that they sell at the gift shop.

So it's sort of a print.

Yeah, print.

Oh, actually, there's two two of them.

So it's prints.

No, there's two.

Oh, there is.

So it's more prints.

Now that you say it, I see that there's two.

This prophecy has more wordplay in it than any prophecy I've ever heard in my life.

Let's see.

What else?

What else?

Yeah, keep thinking.

Keep thinking.

Keep thinking.

Take your time.

Let's all just take a quick breather and let's think, let's think, think, think.

Well, there's those three idiots over there talking to Hewlett Packard.

okay well i think that about covers it um

honestly i i had the sneaking suspicion that ani you and chunt were two of the idiots and i didn't know who the third idiot would be oh maybe it's mitch maybe it was mitch and he already got gooed i bet it was mitch

he got goo you guys don't

do not get gooed yeah don't you you don't want it it's not good do they come around and collect the goo when people get gooed oh yeah and they collect all the goo in the same bucket.

Oh, so you're

mixes in with other goo?

Yes.

It's it's disgusting.

And then if they ever decide to reconstitute you, you've got all this extra stuff.

Yeah, they don't know which goo's which.

They can't separate the goo.

I mean, I guess my grandpa used to say there are no shelves in heaven, but I don't know.

It just still seems gross to me.

There's no shelves in heaven.

Hold on.

Pause there.

What the hell does that mean?

Shelves are

still shelves or shelves.

Shelves with a V.

Shelves?

Yeah.

Where do you put your stuff?

We must unpack this.

What the hell are you talking about?

Arnie, what are you talking about?

Where do you put your grimoires and scrolls?

Where do you read them?

Grimoires.

You don't need grimoires in heaven, so you just don't read?

Okay.

You're just happy.

You're just happy.

Without any stuff?

And in heaven, Arnie.

I need the stuff to be happy.

Come on.

On earth and heaven.

I've never seen you two more angry.

No, here's what I don't understand.

Here's what I don't understand.

Okay.

I get to heaven, right?

What about all the stuff that I've taken there, right?

You know, I've gotten there and I've taken everything I got here on Foon.

I can take it all with me, right?

Yeah.

Straight to heaven.

So everything you're buried with, at least.

I'm not going to get buried.

I'm not getting buried.

Absolutely not.

No.

I'm not getting buried.

Even after you die.

I want to be shot out of a catapult.

Cords, I don't care.

You don't care, okay.

Oh, you know what?

I do care.

I'd love it if, I'd love it if, and this might be difficult, I'd love to be shot from a catapult into a active volcano.

Wow.

You know what?

I'm gonna make that happen for you.

Whoa, thank you, Usador.

Yes, I'll happily be the arbiter of your will, and I shall ensure that your last wishes are met, and you shall be fired from a catapult

into a volcano.

Let me just sign over power of attorney to you.

Careful, careful, Vantis.

I'm so sorry.

You so are my friend.

But he keeps getting people to sign power of attorney over their estate.

You think it's a scam?

It's a little mistake.

It's a little you think he won't launch me into an active volcano?

You know what,

let's see how this happens.

Let's see how this unfolds.

Well, it's very simple.

Upon your passing, which I imagine, since you've already slept for a hundred years, won't be for a very long time.

I, as one of the longest-lived creatures in all of Foon,

A wizard.

I shall outlive you and I shall fight.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It was Critch.

It was Critch.

It was Critch.

Critch, was that you?

Oh,

Critch says you're full of shit.

Guys, quick.

Let's get back to ourselves.

No wizards here.

No wizards here.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Hey, wait, let's take this.

Let's go through this trapdoor.

You said we can try something.

Careful, careful.

Okay, make sure sure there's not a, it doesn't have any spikes or spiders or

mice.

Oh, that's fine.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Just swim straight through them.

Breaststroke, straight through the mice.

Do any of you know Momo, the mouse, our friend?

They aren't saying anything.

These aren't talking mice.

These mice don't talk.

These are.

Oh, yeah, these are zombie mice.

These mice died years ago.

Terrible.

These mice.

Worse.

Yeah.

Even worse.

Yep.

And

their eyes see for the wizards.

What the mics see, the wizards know.

I gotta be honest, the wizards, it's not a very good point.

Like, it's kind of wasteful having this many of their spy mics all over the place.

I told them it's super dumb.

I told them it's super dumb, and it's a bad use of resources.

And they said thank you.

You know, they're very appreciative that I'm giving fearless feedback.

But I'll be honest, they are not making any relevant changes.

That's too bad.

It's almost like they don't want to make this place better.

I don't think they do.

The one thing they let me do is now that I'm kind of cool with them, I can go to their office and play a record.

Oh,

that's fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Let's see.

I don't recognize this room we've entered into, but

this might be their office.

I see there's a framework.

Oh, this is the she's brain on the wall.

Yep, this is the wizard.

This is the wizard warden's office.

Oh.

Okay.

Do they take turns?

Like, sometimes it's Spintax and sometimes it's Genlevia.

Are they all here at once?

Honestly, it is a conclave.

You know,

they kind of exist all together.

They need a certain number in order to make any decisions.

Sometimes I do minutes.

Conclaves are great.

Not the best, but really good.

Really good.

Top four?

Oh, for sure.

Yeah, for sure.

I really enjoy a conclave, you know, and suspect I will enjoy it again sometime in the future when I'm like, you know what?

I'd like to see a conclave again.

You know what?

I do think I am more likely to revisit a conclave than some other structures I might have experienced recently.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I mean, did you get a, did you check out this building when you guys were coming in?

Pretty bleak.

Pretty bleak.

The top of this tower?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just stone, no windows.

It is a brutal structure.

It really is.

It's so tall that I was looking at it, scanning up it.

When I got halfway, I had to take a break.

Go to the bathroom.

Yep.

Come back.

And then finish the.

No, you can't look at the whole thing without taking a break to learn about mattresses that come in boxes.

But I did see, once I got over the building, I did see at the base there was a Dora.

Adora to, you know, Adora.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Adora.

The Explorer?

I mean, I explored Adora.

Now, here's the thing.

What you got to understand is that in about an hour or an aura, we're going to have

lights out.

We're going to have lights out.

So, you know, you get...

Mini Tim, an aura

instead of an hour.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

I think Sweet Prince Fantas, I think he's still crazy.

Or he's on some kind of substance.

I mean, why not both?

Okay, SPV, you were saying it's lights out.

Hey, once the lights go out, you guys,

you're not going to like what's going on.

So, do you want any grease?

Grease?

Grees?

Do you want any grease?

Yeah, you take a couple of these.

You take a couple of these grease, and you'll feel great during the night, right?

No matter what happens, you'll feel good, and you'll wake up rested.

Great.

He goes on one conservative podcast, and he's selling some

women.

At least it's not like deer antler pills.

Listen, these grease, these grease,

these grease are are made with some of the heaviest metals known to man.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

Priests have blessed these grees.

If you take those grees, watch out for aluminium, Tim.

Oh, well, I mean, it looks like they come in different sizes, and you've got them lettered A, B, C, D.

I'll take six degrees.

Okay, now make sure you separate them.

I have to separate the six degrees.

You have to separate the six degrees of grease.

You need at least a certain certain amount of separation between each of these six degrees.

I'm going to take 98 of degrees.

Okay.

That seems like a lot, Ani.

It's called a Lache.

You said 98 of the degrees of the city.

If you take 98, it's called a Lache.

And can I say obviously?

Obviously.

Yes.

It's a Lache.

Of course it's a Lache.

Although 98, I would say if the lights are going out, I'd take five.

But nobody would.

Do you want five of the degrees?

I think so.

Okay.

If the lights are going out.

Degrees.

Degrees.

Yeah, everyone take it.

Okay, everyone take their time again.

Take a moment.

Just a moment to think here.

Anyways, got anything else?

Okay, if you take it as a substance, is that more

five below?

Is that what you were trying to do?

Maybe I'm getting old honey, but I would take one below.

What a satisfying conclusion.

Oh, not this.

I was watching a video of someone spilling a bunch of marbles, then placing each one back in a jar.

10 out of 10, timeless storytelling.

Would watch again.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffai.

Sweet Prince Vantis was played by special guest Jason Mantzoukis.

No other credits.

Jason has apparently done nothing other than this podcast.

Tragic.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Give me a sample of the goods, you say?

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a recap of this year's March Magic Voting.

The next matchup, Ringo the Dingo, hat-ta-ta, with 41% versus Shuddering Daisy, the mountain who destroys villages, Elizabeth Perkins, with 59%.

I really like Ringo the Dingo, who's a magical dog who prances through the clouds, creating golden rings.

Yeah.

But couldn't beat another boobhonkin moose with a long name.

Well, she's more than just a boobhonkin moose.

She crafts wands, which is a very important

job here in Foon.

Somebody's got to do it.

Chunt turned it down.

I remember you were recruited to be a wands craftsperson at one point, right?

Yeah, Wandscrafter did

scout me.

They were trying to headhunt me, which at first I thought meant to kill me, but then I realized they were just trying to get me over to their side.

And yeah, I just didn't want to do it.

I felt like Wands, when I handled them, felt too much like dicks.

And you didn't like that?

Well, I didn't say that.

Somewhat satisfying, right?

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

And don't forget to sign up on the website instead of the Apple Patreon app to avoid any extra Apple fees.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

While Garrett Schultz stood by and did nothing.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.