Season 5, Ep 50 - Claudia Now (w/ Beth Melewski)

and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike got a gallon water filter.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

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They called a truce for their vacation and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your vacations.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

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Do you believe in magic?

Well, then you've come to the wrong place, because the following podcast is not real.

There may be all sorts of fantastical elements seemingly contained herein, but it's all fake.

Bridge to Terabithia on the surface, bridge to Staten Island under the hood.

I just don't want anyone feeling short-changed.

Then again, you're listening to this, so maybe that's your thing?

In which case, sit back and enjoy the show.

Guys, this is where Claudia used to live, right?

There's a swamp shack around here someplace.

Yes.

Yeah, I think so.

I think maybe we tug on one of the branches of these trees or something.

Oh, but we have to go through the bramble.

Can we please go through the bramble?

Okay, how about this?

Before we go through the bramble, I love going through the bramble.

I love starting an episode where we approach a location and go into it.

But before that, I do want to say, hello from the Magic Tavern.

Oh, you tripped and fell so hard, Arnie.

Oh, God.

oh the bramble the bramble got bramble my face oh he got bramble berries right in the mouth well actually that's the best place for him

i'm surprised he likes walking up to a place i he was always used to say why aren't we in meteorres why aren't we in meteorres

i do have to get my steps i'm walking to mordor hello from the magic tavern

a weekly podcast from the magical land of foon i'm your host arnie kniekamp If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal.

Dude,

a crocodile!

What's a crocodor?

Yes, watch out for the crocodile.

It just looks like an

alligator or a crocodile to me.

What are these mystical beasts you speak of?

This magical land sucks.

Guys, has anyone ever told you guys that this magical land is kind of bullshit?

You all the time.

Anyway, I love it here.

Now in our 10th year.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Watch out for that Bramble.

Oh, he ate shit again.

So Brambly.

Ernie, you should not record and walk.

Come on.

I'll help you up.

I'll help you up.

Come on.

All right.

There we go.

Yuppie, yuppy.

Okay.

Be honest with me.

How bad are the scratches on my face?

Pretty bad.

Pretty bad.

Yeah.

That's why I'm having so much trouble in the Brambles with my eye patch.

I don't have the depth perception.

Should I cast a spell to place another eye on your forehead?

No.

Ugh.

Alright, or your chin?

I don't know.

You tell me where you want the eyeball.

I don't want an extra eye.

I just want eventually my original eye to come back.

But only after I've exhausted the fan art opportunities of me having an eye patch.

Well, Arnie,

Isura and I have been meeting to ask, do you still have your baby baby eyes?

My baby eyes?

You have your baby eyes fallen out yet?

Because if you still have your baby eyes, then you should be fine.

Your adult eyes will grow in.

Where?

So wait, are baby eyes in the same place as adult eyes, but just earlier?

Well, where are your baby teeth, Arnie?

They're not where my eyes are.

I know that.

Where are your baby teeth?

Answer the question.

Back on Earth.

No, your baby teeth are in your mouth.

They fall out.

The adult teeth take their place, just like your baby eyes.

Hmm.

How's your baby dog?

Guys, I see this.

I think I see the shack.

I think I see the shack.

Oh, yeah, there's all kinds of smoke or steam or something coming out of the chimney there.

Why don't we?

Oh, how do we knock?

How do we give a yell?

Do we should we have called ahead?

No, I can hear you.

I can hear you.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the three perverts,

you remember us.

Well, of course.

How am I going to forget you?

What's up?

It's David, Marcuse, and

Paulio.

Just kidding.

I thought we cured Paulio.

How could I forget you three?

Usidor, you're looking good.

Oh, thank you.

You also are looking well, Claudia.

Now, let me say this.

Did you three trample my brambles?

Oh, shit.

Well, Arnie did fall over over on the brambles a couple of times.

I could tell Arnie you're dripping in brambleberry juice.

Yeah, you know, is it?

It's tasty, though, I've got to say.

Mm-hmm.

I make a fine, fine brambleberry shine with it.

So if you want to have a little

shotsy totsy, Claudia will hook you up.

Some hooch?

Yeah, I think a round for all of us.

Some brambleberry shine sounds terrific.

All right, why don't you come on into the shack?

Have you guys ever been here before?

I don't think so.

We were here once when I was on the brink of death.

Oh, that's right.

Sorry.

Well, you forget.

I have so many perverts over, I forgot which ones.

On the brink of death, living.

It's tough to keep track of, you know?

Is a pervert better on the brink of death or just regular style?

Oh, brink of death, because they'll do anything.

Oh.

One last hurrah.

Gotta get one last pervy thing in before I go.

That's right.

Well, here's a little shotsy-totsy, okay?

Suck him down around the crown.

There you go.

Oh, oh, that is uh...

Strong.

Guys, we gotta get that put up in our new tavern.

What was that?

Suck it down around the crown?

Suck it down around the crown.

That's right.

You gotta take that in.

You said are you okay?

It's so hot.

I feel like

I may actually start breathing fire.

You might.

I don't know.

Give it five minutes.

Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't.

Okay.

All right.

Well, what's going on with you fellas and you badger?

What's happening,

you three big uglies?

Well, we're still doing the podcast now in our 10th year.

Oh, okay.

Also, we came to visit you because recently we've been hearing that the villains have been disappearing, and I hope this isn't presumptuous, but you're not evil, you're not a villain, but you run in those circles.

Mm-hmm.

I hear things, I see things, and

well, even more recently, I've started making...

You know me, I've always got some sort of salve or balm or something I'm trying to sell.

Oh, yeah.

You're an entrepreneur.

I'm an entrepreneur, that's right.

I've gone back to the basics, fellas, so I'm just, I'm, I'm making hats with initials on it.

Whoa, Arnie, can we, please, can we?

Arnie, can we please get a hat?

Arnie, can we please?

Don't you want to see the hats before you get excited about getting one?

No, Arnie, the fact that they have initials on them is enough.

Let's get one big hat with all of our initials.

That's a great idea.

Well, okay,

here's the surprise.

I saw you coming down the bramble path, and I can whip these up pretty quick, okay?

So, here you go.

I have one for A for arnie oh

okay and then one for you sador with a u oh

wow smart just going with one letter for all of us thanks it's easy but here's the here's the rub i i did chance

but an h is really hard to sew so here's chance so he's got to wear that one oh oh there's no there's no hmm there's no h look arnie i'm a cunt in a hat didn't you say that was a character back on Earth that there's like books about or something?

Sure.

He's always rhyming.

Trying to think.

Oh, yes.

You know, the cunt in the hat.

Yeah.

You know what?

We don't need to protect that doctor.

That's fine to say that he would say something like that.

You guys are looking good.

These are handsome, handsome hats.

Handsome hats.

What do you think?

I'm quite smitten by mine hat.

Chunch, you look incredible.

Yeah, there's armholes on mine, so I can cut...

I'm kind of putting it down around my waist.

Like, I'm really swimming in this and I love it.

Arnie, you haven't said much.

Do you like yours?

I'm feeling there's like a weird sensation inside the hat, like on the top of my head.

I guess I don't normally feel that in a hat.

Yeah, I squeezed, I squeezed a little balm in yours to maybe

give you a little bit of the willy dillies, relax you a little bit.

Okay, I am in the market for some willy-dillies.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Okay, now, you're looking for villains.

Now, you run some stuff by me, and maybe I can let you know if they've bought some hats.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Well,

I haven't seen, I haven't seen Dr.

Cold in a long time.

Have you run into Dr.

Cold?

Dr.

Cold.

Let's see.

Dr.

Cold.

Yes, slept with him last week.

He's been gone for about two.

You do the math.

I hope he wore a hat.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, DC.

His had two initials on it.

Oh.

He was a good leg.

Okay.

That's exciting.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like with the name Dr.

Cold, I feel like he wouldn't be a good lover.

Maybe I'm just being presumptuous.

Well, I run real hot.

I'm in Wichipause right now, so anything to cool these

parts down, I'll take it.

Ani, that's ISIS.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't think we needed to worry about ISIS anymore, but I guess we do.

Don't assume.

It just makes a hat out of you and me.

What What about the mysterious DOG?

Ooh,

oh boy.

No, haven't seen him or

her or it.

So mysterious.

Okay, okay.

Who else?

Who else?

Who else?

Well,

I wanted to back up for one second.

Now, if you haven't seen the mysterious DOG, but you did see Dr.

Cold.

Yes.

And they disappeared two days ago, you said?

Yes.

What is this?

Some sort of crime drama?

It's not an interrogation, if that's what you're suggesting.

So, is this an interrogation?

Nay, I wouldn't, I would not dare.

We simply are, we just simply.

Look, my partners here can get really bent out of shape sometimes, you know, if you cross them.

But I'm here to help you.

I just, I, you know, I came here, I'm wearing your cool hat.

I brought you this cup of coffee.

Now, I just need to know what you know.

Like, so, you know, I'm your pal.

I'm your buddy.

Arnie.

Arnia.

What, Chun-Chun?

I think, uh, don't say Chun-Chung.

I think you Yisora setting you up to be Bad Wizard.

You know, the classic Good Wizard, Bad Wizard?

Oh, I would be bad at being a wizard.

Yeah, get in there.

Get in there.

Look, so before my friend flies off the handle, just tell us what you know.

I'm keeping tight-lipped.

These witch lips are tight.

This is bullshit.

Sorry, am I doing it right?

This is bullshit.

Don't let me at her.

Let me at her.

I'm gonna...

Why do you keep it?

Turn those cameras off.

I'm gonna go crazy.

Stop smacking our hat.

What cameras?

What are you talking about?

Arnie, oh my goodness.

I've never seen such a force of nature before.

Cut the shit.

What do you need to know about these villains?

Okay,

fine, fine.

They left two weeks ago, and they said they wouldn't be back because they didn't like my hats, and they weren't going to tell their friends about them.

So they're never allowed back into the witch shack again.

Oh, chun-chan.

Yeah,

don't say chun-chan.

Chun-chan.

Should I enter as apathetic wizard?

Oh, go ahead.

That's what I was about to say.

It looks like Ani's playing bad wizard.

It's time for you to play apathetic wizard.

So get in there.

Okay, okay.

I'll be wacky wizard right after you.

Ah, sounds good, sounds good.

Hey, I might, I might quit this job.

Oh,

oh, yeah, I could, I could see that.

Um, I'm feeling kind of blah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I could always use an extra hand around here, uh, chopping brambles or sewing hats or sweeping porches.

Yeah,

it's a funny thing about a porch every time you sweep it needs to be swept again.

Oh, fine.

He left two days ago.

Oh my goodness.

It worked.

It worked.

We did.

We don't need Wacky Wizard, but I wouldn't mind seeing Wacky Wizard.

Hey, everybody.

What do you think about banana hammock?

I kind of like it.

What's in there?

Bananas.

Can I see one of them?

Sure.

Well, we got, I'm so mad.

We're going to go to break.

We're not, whatever.

No, we are.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

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Well,

if Dr.

Cole's been missing for two days,

that very well could mean that he didn't care for you as a lover.

But I think it's far more likely, knowing what a magnificent lover Claudia is, it well known throughout the realm,

that it's far more likely that what Drip Fang told us is true.

That villains are disappearing into the very ether.

Yeah, I could see that.

Just blown up into the mist, their skin dissolving into tiny droplets of rain, and

Claudia just sucking them down like bramble juice.

Wait a minute, that's a pretty specific description.

Did you see that?

Have you seen this happen?

Okay, you got me!

I saw this happened!

He disappeared into the ether!

You got me!

Oh, I'm not sure if I can do it.

He disappeared in the ether, and you just started sucking the liquid sweat or whatever that was left behind out of the air?

Okay, don't don't act like you're the only pervert around here.

Claudia's got a trick or two up her nose.

Have you seen any others disappear, or is this the only one?

That was the only one that I saw completely disappear up into the ether.

Oh,

oh,

oh, Annie, what are we ere to do?

I mean, I guess we just let the villains all go away.

I mean,

but the very balance of power here.

Perhaps this is some nefarious plot of the wizards.

for they don't see themselves as villains, but perhaps they're causing villains to disappear.

It would be bad for the podcast, because traditionally villains are amongst the best guests on the show.

If we only had do-gooders on the show, it would really suck.

Well, how about this?

I promise you, if any wizard comes and asks for a hat, I send them to you.

That would be good.

Yes,

please let us know if you hear any of the movements of those other wizards, those terrible bastards who have turned their back on their true callings.

I tell you this:

I know what we should do.

We should cast a spell, our tracking spell, to see if we can follow the trail that

Dr.

Cold left behind.

Chunt, do you want to do that?

Do I want to cast the spell?

Yeah.

I'll give it a whirl.

Go, cunt, go.

User, can I borrow one of your spell books?

Oh, sure.

Here you go.

Here's

Here's funny spells and other gags to amuse your friends.

Okay, how to make a spoon levitate.

How to make one ball into three balls.

I'll save that for later.

What else?

What else?

I got your nose.

I put your nose back.

Is this the butthole thing all over again?

I wish Wacky Wizard had been here when you had that three balls thing.

Let's see.

Oh, here we go.

How to track someone.

Okay, there's a few spells here.

Appell a tag.

Appell air tag?

Okay.

What else are are we going to do?

Okay.

Nama namana zibudu.

Ishka woo bata.

Amara pario pity.

Wow.

Okay.

Did that do anything?

Um

you see like a faint line of energy, magical energy anywhere.

Hmm.

Kind of weird magic stuff around here.

I mean, this is a witch witch's shack.

all my bramble juices gone?

Oh, no.

Chant, what'd you do?

I drank it.

It was so good.

Make me feel like I'm drinking fire.

I'll pay for it, Arnie.

Pay up, Arnie.

Me?

Yeah, Arnie.

Pay up.

I guess I do own our current tavern.

All right, I gotta.

Oh, wait, Arnie, Arnie.

Wait, one second.

I left my money in the cart outside.

Arnie, there's a spell in this book to make fake money.

Oh, okay.

Just from reading this out of the book, how do you know what rhythm the spell is supposed to have?

Oh, you just feel it out.

Okay.

Well, here, here you go.

Here's a hundred gold pieces.

A hundred gold pieces?

Well, this is clearly fake, but I'll take it.

I mean, a hundred gold pieces has got to be worth something.

Oh, yeah, fake or real.

I can, you know what?

I'll put a spell on it later to make it real.

Y'all, you tried.

You tried.

Ah, what a delight.

I'm so proud of you, Chun.

Mm-hmm.

Claudia, can I ask, how are you doing out here?

Just sort of isolated out in this shack in the middle of the swamp?

Oh, I love it.

Are you kidding me?

I'm just hitting my stride.

I'm taking shots of Bramble Juice every night.

A different lover in my bed.

Sorry, Usador.

Every day.

What?

What?

Every day.

Every day.

What does that scare you, Ani?

Doesn't scare me.

I mean, goddess blessed.

Does it frighten you to think of a woman witch this sexual?

Arnie, you did tell me on the walk over that you hate when women have sex.

Oh, I knew it.

I was just...

No, I was just quoting a thinker on Earth, Jason Voorhees.

But I don't mind being out here alone.

The sounds, the animals, the visitors.

I mean, you know, you three, I know you'll find me again.

Are you concerned that we're going to lose track of you?

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't seen you in quite some time.

I mean, a lady does like visitors out here.

You, Sador.

I suppose we haven't been as attentive as we could have been, huh?

Yes.

My apologies.

I blame you for that.

You know, I did write you some poetry at some point.

Oh, I'd love to hear it.

Arnie, why don't you and I go.

I think I saw a frog out in the swamp.

Why don't we go out and see that frog?

Okay, hate frogs.

Let's go look at it.

You're just going to go look at frogs?

Leave me here?

We'll be back in, what do you you think, already?

Five minutes?

Yeah.

Oh,

four and a half.

All right.

Wouldn't you like to hear this poem, you sit home?

Why, yes, Claudia, I would love to hear the poem.

Wizards be true, wizards be great.

I don't want to be alone and masturbate.

Stay in my shack, wickety whack, pull out one, two bananas.

Don't care if it's sharp as a thumbtack.

Oh, grow with me, dear wizard, stay in my pond, forever and yever, and yever and yond.

What do you think, Usidor?

It's the there's a certain amount of sadness that comes through,

even though it does mention sharp bananas.

That is undeniable.

I can't help but let my heart go out to thee.

I must tell thee I have had a certain amount of heartbreak this past year.

For my beloved Jinlevia the Red, that great red wizard herself has become one of these fallen wizards, one of these corrupt

minions of the dark forces who come who in now.

Are you shocked?

What a whore!

What?

I mean, my goodness!

You're shocked at that?

Even the witches, we would talk about that wizard all the time and be like, what a whore.

Oh my gosh, I always thought Genlevia was a whore.

Gen Levia has slept with more wizards than a donkey's got hops.

I know that.

Not just wizards either.

It was forest animals.

Ah, some, I think it was some moss and some lichen.

It got nuts up in there.

Well, you know,

don't put it past lichen to pleasure a woman.

Nuts up in there?

Wow, I thought you were looking at frogs.

No, no, sorry.

We were there.

We thought you finished because we heard you say nuts up in there.

I know.

Well, I'm sorry for your heartbreak, Usador.

Well, it's just that, you know, I finally am unencumbered.

And I suppose, Claudia, if you would take me on as a lover, are lovers we could be.

Of course.

You don't come humping around my shack for nothing.

I do seem to recall coming to your shack once at midnight, for some reason.

Why did I do that?

Do you remember, Usidor?

I'll meet you at your shack at at midnight.

You need to come to my shack at midnight.

Get rid of these two, the Count and Arnie, and you can come back to my shack at midnight.

I'll lose them in the Bramble.

Don't you worry.

No, fine.

We'll go look at another dumb fucking frog.

Come on, Chud.

Why does everybody want to fuck Usidor?

I don't get that.

It's not midnight.

It can only happen at midnight.

That's when Claudia is at her moistest.

Come back in.

We've got a couple hours.

Whoa, that's a long refractory period, but okay.

It's all right.

We should enjoy the Brambleberry juice, and

in the meantime,

if we can resolve this mystery, if there's any other way to determine what has perhaps happened to the wizards.

I know, Claudia.

Do you have one of those big,

oh, what do you call it?

Like a cauldron?

Do you have a cauldron?

Do you have like a classic witch's cauldron?

I'm a witch, you dip shit.

I've got, look, I'm gonna open this closet door.

Oh, you got like 20 cauldrons.

Take your pick, all types of materials, metals, stone, whatever you want.

Grab one.

Since Chunt's tracking spell didn't work, we should cast a spell to see if we can look into the future with your cauldron.

Alright, get in there.

Grab it.

Let's go.

All right, let's go.

Arnie, grab one side of this cauldron.

Okay.

She also has to-go cauldrons.

Oh.

Yeah, I could put some bramble juice in there for you.

They're a little heavy, but you know.

Wouldn't mind that, yeah?

And you put this little umbrella in it?

That's fun.

Oh, of course.

Yes, that umbrella grows and grows into a dragon.

Are these cauldrons dishwasher safe?

Mm-hmm.

100%.

They could be whatever you'd like them to be.

But don't use that one in the melt.

Okay.

Okay, there we go.

We got the big one out, though.

What do you usually usually start with some hot water, I assume?

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Grab some hot water.

Oh, yeah.

Cold water.

Yeah, there's hot.

Yeah, there you go.

You know, I totally, I totally forgot you're a witch with like cauldrons.

That makes sense.

All the frogs outside had no eyes.

Oh, yeah, I got rid of their eyes years ago.

You think I want those pervert frogs looking at me to get out of my witch garments every night?

Wait, hold on.

Oh, it's a privacy thing, not a spell thing.

It's not ingredients.

You're not collecting ingredients.

You're just blinding frogs.

I'm blinding.

Seeing it, freaky deaky.

Yeah, I don't need frogs seeing my bits and grits.

Are you out of your mind?

Frogs are known to be perverts.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Think about Squibber.

Oh, yeah.

One of the biggest perverts we know.

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I see you've got some components here on the wall.

You've got Newt.

Yes.

I've got some...

Put some newts in there.

And

what else?

What are like the best which ingredients?

Yeah, what are your favorite ingredients?

What's the necessary what needs to go in this?

What are your favorites?

Okay, newts up there.

That's number one.

The bottle here says poot of newt.

Yes, poot of newts.

So you cut out a newt's poot.

You know, you gotta do, you gotta slice it real, real

almost surgically.

You know, you can't be haphazard with slicing slicing out a newt's poot.

So I got a couple of those.

In smaller text underneath there, it says sushi grade.

Yeah, oh, yeah, you can have them sashimied right up on some brown moss.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, so Newt, really hot item.

Um, uh, let's see what else.

Uh, yeah, a dr now, a dragon's nipple.

Boy, I only have one of those.

You sador?

Yes.

Would you like to use my dragon's nipple?

Uh, I'm not sure.

I.

Sure, yes.

I uh yes, please.

Throw it in there.

See what happens.

Okay, sure.

Here we go.

We'll get you some more.

Oh, wow.

Well, that.

Don't promise her that.

Any, we'll get her some more.

Well, I think the umbrella and the cauldron, in our to-go cauldron, will turn into a dragon, so we'll absolutely get her some more.

Then you gotta just rip its nips, you know?

Easy as one, two, three.

I'm just gonna make a note here to remember.

Now, another thing we gotta do this season: Rip a nipple off a dragon at some point.

Hashtag rip nip.

Ooh, arugula.

Oh, yeah, that's fresh.

I've been growing that out in my little greenhouse in the back.

Just straight up from seed, you know, no witchy stuff.

Yeah.

Now, uh, Usidor, isn't that what you screamed when I showed you a poster of a naked lady?

You pounded the table and said, Arugula.

Arugula.

Arugula.

Usidor, are you looking at posters of naked ladies?

I

would never.

Chunt forced me to.

I looked away as soon as I could.

What the fuck?

Chund, I'm so sorry.

I just didn't want to get in trouble.

Oh, it's fine.

It's fine.

This is all because of that slut wizard you dated.

Oh.

Genlevia?

Yes, Jen Livia.

What happened to her anyway?

Did she go slut around too much and get her slut card revoked?

Well, no, I smashed a gem, and then all the wizards lost their immortality, and she became afraid.

So when you're afraid, you tend to act out and you, you know, become like a warlord who's probably causing the despair and pain of thousands around her as she amasses land and power.

Sounds like she needs a therapist.

Yes, indeed.

Indeed, I agree

wholeheartedly.

Okay, finally, next to the arugula, why don't you grab one more thing for your potion, and this is

Tip's blood.

Do you know what a tip is?

No.

Neither do I.

Grab it.

Put it in there.

See what happens.

Okay.

Is it just a guy named Tip?

Yeah, probably.

He probably came around sniffing around the shack, and I gave him the old one, too.

And not sex this time.

Oh, oh, oh.

Wait, I know Tip.

It stands for Tony is Pervert.

That's right.

You got it.

Oh.

Honestly, I hated that guy, so this is for the best.

You know what?

And I can sniff a pervert from a mile away, so I'm actually glad I did away with him.

Yeah.

Yeah, but they like it when you sniff them from a mile away.

Yeah, that's true.

The thing I hated about him the most is he already had a name.

His name is Tony.

And then he gave himself the name Tip.

And he's like, Tony is pervert.

And you're like, what are you doing?

It's not even proper speaking.

He would always point to himself and go, just the tip.

And be like, get the fuck out of here.

What a hornball.

He walked into my shack going, Tony is pervert.

Acting like he was hypnotized or something.

And I was like, that's a, I'm done with you.

And drained his blood.

Any, I'm not afraid to say it now that Tip has died, but those are my least favorite episodes of Hello from the Magic Tavern when Tip was a guest.

I just, I didn't like them.

I didn't like talking to Tip, and usually I try to be welcoming to the guest, whoever they are, whatever.

I don't remember those at all.

You don't?

Have you been doing episodes without me?

You don't remember going,

Tony is pervert.

Just the tip.

He's always like, what has two thumbs

and is a pervert?

Oh, yes, sir.

Listening audience at home, you should know that we're constantly pointing ourselves with our thumbs when we impersonate Tip.

Arnie, how do you not remember that, you pervert?

I don't know.

He's sort of...

He's a guy who would come in the tavern and be like, hey, I'm fucking here.

Arnie, come on.

That I like.

Look, he can't be all bad.

That you like?

Oh, my gosh.

Well, that's one I didn't sleep with, just killed.

So you're in good company, Usudor.

Meaning, I'm not going to kill you.

Oh, well, that was close.

Who knows what's going to happen at midnight, though.

Claudia, I appreciate that you've never, as far as I can remember, threatened to kill us.

Oh, why would I, you little puss buckets?

I couldn't do any harm to the three of you.

That'd be almost cruel.

Yeah, we're sort of so pathetic, it's not even worth threatening us.

That's what I was going to say.

It's so, you know, I like seeing you, but it's also sad and pitiful.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a little puss bucket.

Look, Arnie, I'm a puss bucket.

You did say puss, right?

Not piss bucket?

Yes, puss bucket.

Yes, so you can fill your puss buckets with whatever you'd like.

Yeah.

It's weird to call you puss bucket.

It feels like a hat on a hat on a cunt.

Puss and puss and butt.

Puss and butt?

Puss and bucket.

Puss and bucks?

Let's take a quick break while we figure that out.

All right, I'm just gonna plant some cocaine in this cauldron.

You know, because I'm still a bad wizard.

Wait, what, aren't you?

I'm just subtly still doing a bad wizard storyline over here.

Oh, you're, yes, he says, good wizard, bad wizard.

Plantic evidence.

I get it.

No, I got it.

I got it.

Yeah, in case you have to come back and bust her later.

Wait a minute.

Were you going to tell me you had cocaine?

You weren't going to tell me you had cocaine.

Are you kidding me?

That's a witch's favorite drug.

It's really just planting amount.

It's not even really enough to really, like, use.

It's just enough.

It's like

planting.

Oh, thank you, Arnie.

Oh, yeah.

Woo!

She sported the whole bag up her nose.

Like, plastic at all, up her nose.

Ooh,

Claudia feels good.

Oh, thank you, Arnie.

Witch check, baby.

Now that you're now that you're high as a kite, can you help us see into the future with the cauldron?

Yes, I can.

It's beginning to bubble and boil.

All right, let me say my spell, and you tell me what you see.

Look into the cauldron.

What do you see?

Thank you for the cocaine

for you and you and me.

Close your eyes and open your hearts.

And now you will see when Claudia lets out a big fart.

Even with the fart, I prefer that to a wizard spell.

What do you see, CCC?

I see a tall man

dressed in a purple cloak of some kind.

What do you see?

C C C C C C

appears to be a dastardly villain of some kind.

Trying to make out his garb.

He has a hat with a big A on it.

Whoa.

What?

Is that Arnie?

I think it's Arnie.

I thought it was a villain at first, but it appears to be Arnie.

Oh.

Arnie, do you become a villain in the future?

Should I smite you even now?

You really took to that bad wizard.

Look, I've told you so many times, I'm not evil.

I have flirted with evil a little bit, I guess.

Ooh, what'd you do?

I just hung out with the Red Queen Merzia.

You know, we were perma buddies.

Oh, that's right.

It was between seasons.

Oh, I forgot Claudia's zooted.

She's going nuts over there.

All right.

She's running on the walls.

Any, if you're not truly evil, what could this premonition mean?

Oh, Yusudor.

Chun, chun.

I had an idea.

Chun, chun, chun.

If we're worried about villains disappearing, maybe we should do some kind of like undercover sting.

By that, I mean we pretend to be villains, and then maybe then the people we're looking for will just come and find us.

Sounds easier, right, than tromping around trying to find them.

Yeah, it sounds like a good plan in theory, but Ari, I'm a little worried that if you pretend to be a villain, that you might like the way it feels, because you sort of saw a vision of you as a villain.

Hmm.

Maybe what I saw was Ari pretending to be a villain.

Yeah.

What was my facial expression like in this premonition?

Well, you sort of, you had a fake mustache on, and you were sort of twirling it.

Oh, I'm sold.

Sold.

Going, I'm going to be evil.

Gonna be evil.

In a way that I thought he's really kind of trying too hard to be evil.

It's a bit of a cliche.

Sounds like me.

Okay, hear me out.

Okay, hear me out.

Okay, what if you guys did you just run around the swamp?

Oh, I feel great.

Okay, lady, lady, hear me out.

What if you guys pretended to be villains, but you weren't really villains?

So one of you pretended to be a villain, and then the other one pretended to be a villain, and then another pretended to be a villain, and then you all were villains trying to trick the other villains wow claudia that's a great idea oh really the cocaine has her mind moving so fast and so slow at the same time i feel alive

oh look she's dancing like an asshole

who's the pervert now

oh let's okay uh we're villains villains villains well i saw i already have this eye patch i guess i could shave my beard to have a mustache, or I could just put a fake mustache on top of my beard.

Right, that's what I saw.

Okay, oh, speaking of beard, let me grow out,

grow out some fur so I have a big bushy beard.

And let me grow out my claws, okay?

Yeah, and

I'm...

Ooh, I'm a little sinister.

Okay.

You're scaring me a little bit if I'm being perfect.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

You sir, what do you got?

Well, let's see.

I guess I suppose I could cast a glamour on myself and make myself look like an ogre.

Erotrolo Karai!

My name is Rock Hudson!

Oh my gosh, who's this ogre?

I've never been more sexually attracted in my life.

Something tells me you're not gonna sleep with Rock Hudson.

I'll be back.

Oh, she's gone.

She's gone already.

Okay, so, uh, uh, healing Rock Hudson or just Rock Hudson?

Uh, Rock Hudson.

Yeah, because healing is for uh good guys.

Okay.

Yeah.

I smash things.

Will that do as a villain disguise?

I guess so, yeah.

And Arnie, look, I got the big beard in my claws, and I'm Darkwater Dave, the pirate.

Darkwater Dave?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, that was weird.

Was that good?

Was that convincing?

That was pretty good.

Okay, now Arnie, you do yours.

Um, I'm evil.

Look at me.

Chip sky guy.

Airline pilot from Earth, but also evil.

Okay.

I think you definitely need that purple cloak.

That's going to make a big difference.

Claudia, I know.

Claudia, do you have a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm back.

Back out of the pantry.

Boy, I was having a couple of witch cookies in there.

I want to know what that is.

I don't know what that is.

Claudia, do you have a purple cloak or anything that I could borrow?

Babong!

Yep, there it is.

It's weird that you said that while you opened that closet, but thank you.

This is nice.

And it does look kind of evil, but in a stylish sort of way.

I sewed that when I was making cloaks.

That was, you know, before the amulets, before...

It doesn't matter.

It looks great on you.

It looks just freaking great.

Stop chopping vegetables and just pay attention for a second.

Do we look evil to you?

Let's see.

Yes, you look incredibly evil.

You still like perverts, the old perverts that I used to know, but evil perverts.

I think it'll do, boys.

I think it'll do.

Arnie, you got any more of the cocaine?

Um, oh, let's see.

This large one is uh says ketamine.

Oh, I'm seeing some things.

Whoa, she put on sunglasses.

Thanks, Arnie.

Well, I suppose this is as good a time as any.

Now that we have our disguises,

we should

just wait to see if we disappear.

I assume that whatever this spell is, or this nefarious being who's causing this to happen, shall find us soon enough.

I mean, I guess while we wait, Claudia, do you mind if we answer some emails?

Oh, yeah, go for it.

I'm just thinking about how I was raised.

You need some more Brambleberry juice?

Yeah, I'll take a hit.

There you go.

Thanks.

Here's an email.

You can send us emails at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

Also, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com/slash magic tavern and message us there.

Here's one we got recently.

Hello, this is Batch B Trippin'.

That's the email.

They can't hear you.

Well, I guess they can hear you now.

Anyway, hello.

This is Batch B Trippin' from the Patreon.

I loved the limited time t-shirt with Usidor saying, only you can prevent drugs.

Unfortunately, its short life occurred during a time where financially it was not a good idea to get it.

Husband and I both lost our jobs within a week.

I was just wondering if you guys might be able to bring the shirt back soon.

I love the idea of a t-shirt that can be purchased in tie-dye that features a wizard saying only you can prevent drugs.

And I would be devastated for the rest of my life if I knew that I could never own such a wonderful shirt.

Pretty please bring back this masterpiece of a t-shirt.

Pretty please, podcast daddies, a fan since 2017, Bashley Beaumont Trippington III, Esquire.

Huh, I don't know.

It feels like I've said so many wonderful things in this episode that are t-shirt worthy.

Like,

oh, is this Newt?

Or,

hmm, what are some other ones?

Yeah, I'm trying to think.

Have you said anything that wasn't bullshit this episode?

Oh, probably the best thing that should be a shirt is like

puss buckets.

Was that you, Yusidor?

Did you say puss buckets?

That was not me.

Oh, that's me.

Puss buckets.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, probably the second best thing was, oh, that's what daddy meant.

Was that you, Yusidor?

No, no, that was me.

Oh, that was you.

Okay.

Oh, maybe witch cookies?

Was that you, Yusidor?

No, that wasn't me.

That was Claudia yet again.

Me.

Usidor, it seems like this listener, it would mean a lot to them if we put the Only You Can Prevent Drugs Usidor shirt back into the store.

But, also, we are evil now.

Oh.

So maybe we should just be like, fuck no, we don't do that.

We're too evil for that sort of thing.

Well, we're only pretending to be evil that's true uh i suppose we could uh put it back there for a limited time if if uh if the gods of tea public allow it oh i have an idea yeah since we're evil bad little boys

perverts naughty why don't we bring naughty nellies

since in the story you can uh not just get a shirt or a sweater but you can also get stickers what if we bring it back only as a sticker and they have to buy like i don't know 15 to 20 stickers and stick them all over their body to wear it as a shirt?

Stickers as a shirt?

Is that evil?

That's dumb.

Never mind, that's dumb.

That is evil.

No, it's not dumb.

It's inspired.

It's thinking outside of the bun.

I appreciate it.

You always say that.

Yeah, I do.

I have an idea.

Whoever wrote this missive, if they send me a half pound of sweet cocaine, I'll make them a t-shirt.

Oh.

Half pound of cocaine a wooden t-shirt.

I think, I mean, in foon, that's a deal.

That's good sense.

That's just good math.

And legal.

So legal.

So just address that

to witch in the swamp,

foon,

and then make sure your return address is on it.

Yes, in care of which shack.

I wonder how often on my world, just a package full of cocaine comes into the postal service that just says witch in a swamp and a return address on it.

More often than you'd think.

Probably a lot, Arnie.

People love cocaine.

Claudia, should they put anything more specific?

Like, you can't be the only witch in the swamp, right?

Oh,

witch in the swamp,

care of witch shack, north of the eyeless frogs.

That'll be more specific.

Yeah, I'm the only one who doesn't like those little bastards looking at my cha-chars, so get big.

Cha-cha's?

Yes, I have multiple cha-chas, which usidor will find out later on.

Chun-chun, it seems like Claudia has some kind of a spell over Usidor sometimes.

Have you ever noticed that?

No, I think she just has him sort of uh under her thumb, right?

Yeah, I guess that might be it.

Because anytime she yells at him, his eyes go completely white and he starts to vibrate and float off the floor about two feet, you know.

Yeah, and his willy-dillies.

Oh, it's when he's at his sexiest I love his vibrato.

Look, watch who you're criticizing, baby dong.

Wait, oh, is that me?

That is not my villain name, by the way.

Baby Dong is not my villain name.

We'll see.

I suppose, Claudia, that we should

make our way out of here.

I'll be back directly at midnight.

You'll be back directly at midnight.

Well, it was so nice to see you troublemaking preverts.

Ah, boy, I I hope you come back.

Thank you.

We hope to find you again and

support whatever business you got going.

Thanks.

I move Shacks once a year, but I take everything with me.

So just know that.

Yeah.

Witch can't stay in one place for too long.

Claudia, it's so nice to see you.

You really are one of our favorites, and it's so fun to see you, even though you're a little bit evil, and I apologize that every time we come to see you, it's because we need to get something.

But we really do just enjoy your company.

Oh, thank you.

Well, that is a witch's job she provides.

And, Arnie, this time you provided for me.

Thank you for getting me high as the day is long.

No, okay, no problem.

You should become a drug dealer.

Oh, well, yeah, I would think about that.

Enchant, you look good, you old cut.

So do you.

And

just because you were so nice to us, here's a little, don't tell Arnie, here's a little more of the devil's dandruff.

If you want to go skiing,

hit the nose slopes, if you know what I mean.

Where'd she get a bass guitar?

I mean, that's what happens.

I snort, and then I play bass until we hours of the morning.

We should go.

She's not going to miss me.

She's not going to miss me.

Oh, should we go or should we join the band?

You don't want to join that band.

All witches be bitches.

See you later, Claudia.

All right, see you later.

Bye, Claudia.

See See you directly at midnight.

Brave us.

Guys, it was so nice seeing Claudia again.

Yeah,

you seem to really enjoy seeing Claudia.

Is that a wand in your robes, or?

Oh, yeah, that's a wand.

Yeah, it's a wand.

Watch out for those brambles.

Arnie.

Oh, it hurts.

It's all right.

I think, though, now that we're getting away from here, I'm wondering if we should emanate sort of an evil energy, sort of a put kind of an evil aura out into the world in the hopes that it will

cause whatever is attracting the evil forces towards us.

Yeah, just like

jump to it.

Like,

if we're going to be pretending to be evil, let's go big with it.

Yeah.

Suck a punch.

Oh, oh, thank you.

And a slap to you.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you, if you stay evil, you don't gotta get evil.

So before we go out into being evil again, can everyone remind me what your evil names are?

Yeah, let me grow my beard in my closet.

And I'm Darkwater Dave, the pirate.

I'm Rock Hudson.

And I'm Chip Sky Guy, and you can know that's me by the A on my hat.

I just do sense an evil aura surrounding us.

What is that?

Oh.

Yes, our acts of evil of punching one another and being unkind to one another and making fun of Arnie's A A in our head,

caused the evil to surround us.

That's all it takes to be a villain?

Wait, but we've been doing that since season one.

You should have heard what I was thinking.

Oh, okay.

Oh, wait.

Oh, I feel something's happening.

Oh, yeah, I feel like a tug in my tummy or something.

Oh, we just got real cold weather.

Well,

Alright, alright there.

Move along, move along.

Are we in some kind of prison?

Yeah, the topless tower.

Keep moving.

You're here now.

You gotta check in.

Oh no, prison.

We already did this in season two.

Are you at the topless tower?

Achimachi.

Oh, that sounds kind of enticing.

Although this place doesn't feel very sexy.

No, it's a terrible place.

I've heard of it in legend.

It's a tall tower with no top, so it rains directly on you.

Oh, though there are many villains and neer-doils kept here, they're constantly exposed to the elements.

Keep in line, boys.

No talking to each other.

The toppless tower has become a lot more secure than it used to be.

The wizards have taken over, and now it's a maximum security prison for villains.

Whoa!

Maximum security.

That's right, and we've also added ten more feet of tower.

So don't get any big ideas of scaling up the walls.

Why is that guy flying out right now?

Ah, shit.

One sec.

Oh my god, it says they shot him down with a firebolt immediately.

He's dead.

He's so dead.

No, don't worry.

Nobody dies at the top of this tower.

Oh, good.

He seems like he's on fire.

Yeah, it'll go out.

Nobody dies.

Never mind the screens.

Why are you winking?

That's not a bad t-shirt.

Never mind the screens.

Ow!

No talking.

Well, sorry, some talking.

Yeah, only talk enough to keep this interesting for the listener.

Oh, do you listen?

I would never listen.

I'm a big fan.

Don't tell everyone.

Oh, thank you.

Most of the gods here listen to pod pyres.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

But don't worry, I'll listen to you guys.

You can always count on me.

My name's Tim.

Oh, shit, Tony.

No.

You know, we've been chugging along for 10 years, and our heroes have gotten out of all sorts of close scrapes, but I've just got a feeling that this time, they're going to die and this whole experiment is over.

Call it wishful nihilism.

User of the Wizard was played for the last time, who can say, by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Batcher was played by Adol Raffai.

R.I.P.?

Claudia the Witch was played by special guest Beth Malewski.

To see Beth perform in person, and I can tell you it's the comedy equivalent of a super moon, check out the Improvise Shakespeare Company at IO Chicago, and Forward in Comfortable Shoes, a variety show the first Saturday of every month at the Bughouse Theater.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Don't join Patreon through the Apple app, you know that by now.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

We're taking next week off for spring break.

Can we do that?

Well, we're doing it.

Next week, we'll have an unlocked episode from the Patreon in the main feed.

And then we'll be back on Monday, April 14th with a new episode to kick off Evil April.

All villain episodes.

Just what I needed.

Oops, all drip fangs.

Beginning with the return of Jason Mantzukis.

See you then.

Don't you know there's a witch in a swamp, and she's lonely sometimes.

All she wants are a couple of visitors, so she can tell her rhymes.

Doodlely, doodly, doodly do,

diddly, diddly dee.

Oh, daddy, if you could see me now, you'd be proud of me.

Woo!

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.