Season 5, Ep 49 - Warlock Now (w/ Tyler Davis)

Hey there, critters!

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And if that statement seems extra believable today, maybe that's because the iHeartRadio Awards recently named us Best Fiction Podcast.

So excuse me while I eat a lemon wedge from the enormous edible arrangement I ordered for myself that spells out you were right.

And believe me, it takes a lot of lemons, olives, and turnips to spell that out.

But then the humiliation of your doubters never fails to be delicious.

So sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon, now in our 10th year.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years and two weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern The Wander Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, for the last 10 years and two weeks by my buddy, my co-host, Junk the Talking Badger.

Can you just

walk over here and put my legs back inside the cake and jump out of the cake?

Hey!

Hey!

Kind of ruined that cake, which is too bad.

Well, I'm sure Usador can magic it back together.

But Arnie, I thought 10 years, 10 tiers.

It's a 10-tier cake.

It is a very big cake.

Yeah.

I'd pop out of it.

Sorry for the bikini.

You don't need to apologize for the bikini.

Okay.

Would it be naughty and fun if I took some of this icing and like

booped it on your nose or something?

I don't know, might be.

Cake pie.

Ow, my eye.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

What is in this icing?

It stings so much.

Oh, it's glass.

It makes

the baker says glass makes it sort of pop.

Oh, yeah.

Quick, introduce Usidor.

Here's Usidor.

Where is Usidor?

Where is Usidor?

I return.

From her week's worth of soul searching and going through various tomes and grim wars.

I'm sorry to interrupt travelers.

Did you say stole searching or soul searching?

Soul searching.

Sean, it wasn't just me.

It sounded like stole searching, didn't it?

Barnie, don't you want him to cure your eyes?

What the hell happened to your eye?

My eye is fucked up, man.

Ah, fine.

Fashaku, Shahal Shahu, I mundiburg.

Whoa, you fixed the cake.

And now for your eye.

At

Kalak

Atak

Well, you just magically put an eye patch over my eye, which

helped something.

I mean, that's a new look for a little while.

So much more aggressive spell than the cake spell.

I know.

And Chant, I'll cure your bikini.

Ooh, now it's not ripped anymore and my nips aren't showing.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, Yusuf, I'm so sorry.

You were still searching?

Oh, sorry.

Let me go back to the door.

I've just returned from my travels.

For the past week, I've been doing some soul searching, going through dungeons, looking for mystical gems.

He definitely said soul searching through time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love how Usidor.

We don't capture on Mike a lot.

He always comes through the door with like a

Arnie.

Hey, hey, you sir.

He comes in, he's got a real noises-off energy.

Like, he comes in and out of that door

fast.

Sometimes you wonder what the podcast would be like if you flip the whole thing around and watch from the outside.

Actually, you sir, why don't you cast noises off on Arnie and I, and you can finish your sentence?

Yeah, that's fair.

All I all it is is to say that for the last week, I have been thinking,

pondering, considering.

Oh, low for the...

the those who are scriveners for kings and the kings themselves have not come to our aid and i

find myself turning my back on the monarchy whoa

what a radical idea

whoa noise is on that's insane whoa

i'm beginning to wonder if their goddess's given right to rule over us is not well deserved wait a minute.

Arnie, I didn't even notice this because it blends in and fits so well.

It's so form-fitting.

Usidor, are you wearing a blue leather robe?

That's right.

I'm a rebel now.

Wow.

Arnie, it's just that with all the villains beginning to disappear too,

no one helping us, lending us aid against this war, this inevitable wizard war, the animals still warring with one another,

I come to find it the time that great beings,

men, women, children, animals of all sorts, must stand up and fight for what they believe in.

Fuck yeah, regardless of

how they may be part of some ruling structure or not.

Sorry, Chunt, you were fuck yeah.

So fuck yeah.

Yeah, fuck yes.

Fuck yes.

Fuck yes.

Fuck yes.

Whoa, and Arnie, look out the window.

Whoa, Grimhoof has like two handlebars sticking out of his head.

He has wheels instead of legs.

Whoa.

And also, I should have mentioned this earlier.

Usidor's head's on fire.

You're smoking.

Whoa.

Fuck yeah.

That's right.

I put on this mask and now I'm smoking.

You got a big chain.

You're like whipping a chain around.

That's not all you do is about to do.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Where's that?

What?

What the fuck?

Slime ball to the feet.

Oh,

Slime balls to both wrists!

Audi, I'm stuck against the wall.

I don't know slime balls anywhere.

And now that I have you right where I slimed you, it's time to finish the job with this

normal crossbow.

Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait, hang on, hang on.

Hang on.

No, you hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on a second.

Hang on.

He drew those slime balls at me, and I did not say, I don't know.

Hang on.

No, wait.

You, everyone, everyone.

That's cruel.

That's everyone.

Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone.

Hang on.

So you can't do that on a podcast.

Arnie, it's me, Nicholas Fump.

Arnie, can you?

I need your head.

I need your

hands.

I need your strong arms.

I need you to lock this crossbow for me.

I'm so impressed that you recognize me with this eye patch.

This is my new look.

I would recognize that kind eye from anywhere.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just gonna wipe off this slime and sit at the table.

You leave that slime where it is.

I'm not done with you.

No, I left it on the wall.

It's fine.

Oh, man.

Nicholas, would you care for an ale or perhaps some mozzarella wands?

I...

No, no.

Nicholas, you've spent the last two years getting your nerve and the appropriate accoutrements to take down Usidor, and you will not.

You will not.

You will not miss your shot.

But first I got to unlock this freaking.

Right, last time you were here, you were angry at Usidor because he had cursed you in the past for a really long time and you wanted your revenge on him.

And so are you

back to get more revenge on Usidor?

I am back to get my revenge on Usidor.

But here's the thing.

I came to the Wanderlost for a different reason.

And I, lo and behold, I look over and y'all are recording a podcast.

And I thought,

now's the time.

Today's the day.

Last time we saw you, we were in a different tavern.

We were in the Strange Familiar, I think.

This is our new tavern.

No, no, no, that's the thing.

This is my tavern.

This is my tavern.

I found this place first.

I went, I went on my quest to kill my wizard.

And in my, my, my,

in my travels, I found a place that I called home.

And so I was, I've been here every Wednesday night from about, you know, 8 to 10.

This is my spot.

Oh, we must just missed you.

We're usually not.

Wednesdays is like one of the few times in the week that we're usually not here.

We're doing charity work.

Charity work.

I turn into a swan on Wednesdays to entertain children.

And Arnie and I, um...

We kind of have to mop up all the swan shit.

Yeah.

Sounds like the swan is doing more shitting than entertaining.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you have no idea.

Oh, my gosh.

No one has summed up Usidor better.

No, here's the thing: I do, because you guys do that on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays.

I gotta tell you, you're not doing a great job cleaning up the shit.

Because when I do have my ale,

I'm usually plugging the nose.

Oh, smart.

Smart.

Also, smart to attack us while we're doing the podcast because, buddy, if there's ever a time when a man is most vulnerable, it's when he's recording a podcast.

Nicholas, would you like some help cocking that crossbow?

I can't watch this anymore.

It's just bad.

Nicholas, Nicholas, do not let your mortal enemy cock your own crossbow.

Is he talking to a different Nicholas or is he psyching himself up, though?

I think he's psyching himself up.

Nicholas, you got this.

You can do this.

You've been training for the day that you're going to crossbow this guy right in the eye.

I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

Hate that.

Sounds like he's going to aim for your eye, Usador, heads up.

you, you, go.

Got it.

I got it.

Oh, Usidor caught it with his hand.

Oh, for the love of food.

Usidor, though, you shouldn't be so blasé about this.

I mean, to be fair, one of the things that's changed since the last time we saw Nicholas Fump is that you're not immortal now.

Yeah, but I can still take a shit ton of damage.

I guess so.

You know how many hit points I have?

40?

50?

Up, way up.

51?

But you know what?

If you ask a guy,

I'm talking to Chunt.

Usidor has 98.

98, that's right.

I know that because I've been inquiring from every person that I've been traveling with about the whereabouts of Usidor the blue and his supposed hit point count.

And it's very hard to find.

Very hard to find.

It's not something you really like, you know, flash about to people for the most part.

Except I just did just now.

Is it true?

Usually when a guy says how many hit points he has, it's usually half as much.

For a while, I thought that Usidor had 3,000 hit points, and I was like, come on.

Come on.

Come on, really?

Well, yeah, that would be absurd.

Well, they say Wilt Chambermaid had, I think, 3,000 hit points.

Wow.

Yeah.

At that point, that's not a healthy amount of hit points.

No, you're doing yourself a disservice.

I think they said to have that many hit points, he would have had to have start magic when he was 14 or something.

Something insane where it's like, yeah, I don't want to hear this.

Would you like your crossbow bolt back?

I.

It's undamaged.

I will take it back.

There you go.

Ooh, that's got to hurt the pride.

Please have a seat.

Talk to us for a while.

Nicholas, what have you been up to, buddy?

Well, I have been on quite a quest, quite an adventure to, as we spoke

when I last saw you to kill my wizard and of course my wizard is that wizard over there that wizard that I'm looking in the eyes and is refusing to no no, it's you Yusador what why

oh right, I refuse to go into it again, but it is a good reason I've been traveling I've been getting my skills up, but also I've been fighting with time

I've only been getting older I spent so long in that cursed place, in that cursed, cursed place.

Go right.

You're falling.

Falling.

Waiting in line.

I forgot.

Filling out a W-2 that just would never end.

You know, the curse you put me under.

Sure.

Well, it was an accident.

I apologized.

That's usually the end of it.

You're not even looking at me when you say that.

Your eye went up and around to the room.

I'm sorry.

I don't even think you mean it.

I'm very busy today.

I have to record this podcast.

I just came in with a lament about the state of the world and my role in helping to fight evil in all its forms.

And, you know, having some.

I'm trying, I'm having some epiphanies here, Nicholas.

You know, it's a time to mix things up.

It's time for

former friends to become enemies and enemies to become friends.

Nicholas, I ask you this.

Will you join my quest?

Your quest?

Yes, though, you saw me once as a bitter enemy.

I ask you to raise your crossbow faster than you were earlier and point it at our enemies, ours, our joint enemies.

Fuck yeah.

For you think I am a threat to this world?

There are other wizards, terrible wizards who are doing nothing but grabbing land,

forcing people into service as their armies.

And they are causing destruction and hatred, and they shall turn on each other and a war shall break out, and blood shall roll like the kind that thou hast ne'er seen.

And I assure you, if you join me in this quest, great glory and wonder shall be spoken when people think of the name Nicholas Fump.

You know, see, if it were me, I would have killed him during that speech.

Because he's always so distracted when he's going on like that.

And he does this thing where he walks away just so he can come back, and he puts on glasses just so he can kind of take them off dramatically.

There's so many opportunities.

Yeah, and he did.

He did sort of like present his chest, open chest.

He kind of hit it a couple times.

I had the window, but I did not want to slay Usador before informing him that it will not be the first wizard that I have slain.

What?

Yes, as I've been on my quest, becoming ever more powerful, I have been getting my skills right to take down a wizard by way of slaying all the wizards that I have come into contact with,

which is

two.

Two.

That's actually quite a lot in our world.

Look at all these balloons.

And what a way to celebrate another can trip that I have concocted in my travels.

When he holds up two with his fingers, balloons shoot out of his body.

That's a spell.

You should learn that one.

I'll try.

Look, I don't know if you accidentally killed a sorcerer or a mage or a a necromancer or something, but the

odds of you actually having killed a wizard are pretty slim.

Well,

it was fairly recently after the calamitic event that caused wizards to become more mortal.

It actually happened at the exact same time as I was in combat with Grabgar the dumbass.

And I slain Grabgar

Right then and there.

Arnie, I don't think we've ever told you about Grabgar,

but easily one of the most embarrassing wizards.

Wow, that's saying something.

Grabgar the Forest Green.

Grabgar the Forest Green.

Grabgar the dumbass.

He had an opportunity to give his color.

He led with dumbass.

Yeah,

he wasn't really representing well, so you know.

Okay, fine.

Grabgar, you got him.

Good job.

Let's take a break and we'll come right back.

We'll hear about this other wizard you killed.

Right there, right there.

You've got a shot at the bottom.

Oh, no, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta lock it.

Audi, cock my bow, cock my bow.

Oh, yanks.

Wait till I take the break.

Please.

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So that was one wizard you killed.

Yes.

Who dare I say who was the second wizard?

Well, it seemed after Grabgar,

I first had to take stock of what had just happened.

to actually kill a wizard, especially after my failed attempt at Usidor.

I

didn't know what was happening, But I didn't have time to think.

Because soon after my

slime ball choked Grabgar.

Yeah.

Slime balls are still your main weapon of choice?

Those in crossbows?

Well,

it's mostly slime balls.

Yes, that is the most corporeal thing that I can do that is useful now.

I do have these healing bracers from Lily Bellwether of

the Clerics.

And I learned to shift the stars from

Amanda.

Just Amanda.

Just Amanda.

We all know Amanda.

We all know Amanda.

Amanda, the star shifter, but she goes by Amanda.

You learned to shift

the stars in the sky?

Yes.

That's impressive, although I can't imagine that it's particularly useful.

That's why I don't do it.

Yeah.

It took about six months.

But you learned.

Yes.

I am all it's it's important to keep up your hobbies.

Yeah.

In fact,

that's so great for you, Frickolis.

Oh,

my

slime to the chest.

Slime to the feet.

Slime, slime, slime, slime, slime.

My name is Nicholas Xavier Fump.

Xavier?

Yes, Xavier.

And you best remember it.

Because as I was saying,

I didn't have time to think.

Because

I don't know if y'all know Grabgar.

He kind of gets down.

And at the time, he had been seeing Trixie of the Mist.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Trixie, the lavender of the mist.

One thing led to another, and I...

Well, I slimed ball.

I did the

back shots.

I did.

I regret this is my thing.

In this one moment, I do truly regret that this is kind of my go-to thing.

This is why a lot of people don't use slime balls.

Yeah, you know, I have to wonder, like, how long can you be working with slime balls as your main weapon before you're like, hold on, what the fuck am I doing?

Here's the thing.

Up until this point, they have yet to fail.

I killed two wizards with that.

That is true.

Back to back.

That's true.

That's true.

Louise Baloo.

Every time you say something is two and you put your two fingers up.

You know, that reminds me.

Has anyone else noticed this lately?

Whenever I'm like walking around and I like give someone a thumbs up, I think about giving a thumbs up.

Huh?

Like, you gotta like give a thumbs up and then you're like, huh, I'm thinking about giving a thumbs up.

Is that helpful?

It's not helpful.

I don't know.

I hate it, if I'm being perfectly honest.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Are you trying to communicate that your body acts before your brain tells it to act?

I mean, yes, we all know that.

Ow, don't kick me.

I'm gonna kick you.

Whoa, you kicked him really hard.

You didn't think about that at all.

No,

so you, Nicholas, you were saying something about

I don't know Trixie of the Mist, right?

Trixie the lavender.

And she's your new girlfriend?

No,

she

has been slimed

to death.

Wow.

Wow.

Right back to where I started about Sam here.

No, I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I feel like I want to high-five you, but that's not right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, this is a despicable act.

You're a villain.

How dare

I take that back?

You're our friend, Ani, right?

Yeah, tell Nicholas.

Yeah, Nicholas.

We should tell you.

If you feel like you're tipping into being a villain, it seems like all throughout Foon, villains are mysteriously disappearing.

And I know this sounds like the kind of bullshit thing that we would say to you to make you not try to kill Usidor.

Oh, absolutely.

But it is actually true.

The villains are disappearing.

Wait, but maybe that's when I encountered my third wizard, the because I was feeling pretty, pretty like hot stuff.

Two wizards one day, kidding me, yeah, by the way.

Wait, that was all one day, that was within a half hour.

Wow, yeah,

I hate to ask, you definitely killed them.

Well, I checked the vitals, just like I checked you, Sudor before,

and

that they wouldn't, they were not, they were not breathing, And so, I waited.

Here's the thing: I waited around their corpses for a good five hours just to make sure that they weren't planning some kind of revival, you know, wizardry stuff.

Of course, yeah,

and they didn't.

So, I took two W's that day.

Yeah, and I've got to ask, you can slime two people in a half hour's time?

Well, yes, I

stay hydrated.

I make sure that when I'm going into battle, I have a good meal,

and it's it's yeah, it's kind of no bigger.

I'm impressed by the refractory period on that on those slime balls.

You know, you know, I was less slime the second time, yeah,

yeah,

I'm I'm a I'm a man.

Well, if Nicholas checked them and Nicholas checks me, I'll raise Nicholas 500 gold.

Whoa,

okay,

but

you're saying the villains are disappearing.

What greater force is threatening the villains of food?

I mean, we don't know.

Like, the villains don't seem to know.

But think about it.

When's the last time you saw a villain?

I'm not just talking about like dicks or like bad kings.

I mean, just like full-on villains.

When's the last villain you saw?

Hmm.

There was...

Dragon Tooth

in the mines, but that was before the curse.

So at this point, that was 202 years ago.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Well, we've been able to confirm that Dr.

Cold disappeared.

We've also been able to confirm that

no one has seen hide nor hair of Wheelbear for a while.

Oh, Chunt.

I'm so sorry.

Wheelbear became a villain.

Oh, no.

Yeah, he used to be a guard, and now he turned to villainy.

What about Cockroach Clown?

I think they were partners, yeah.

Oh, no.

Villain partners.

What makes a cockroach clown turn to villainy

insanity?

I mean, they've already got everything going for them.

That's a good line of work if you can get it.

So, I beg of you, I shan't refer to you as mine enemy, nor mine nemesis, nor a villain, because I don't want you to disappear, Nicholas Fump.

Could this be

compassion coming from you, Sidor the Blue?

What is in it for you?

If I disappear or not,

there'd be one less person trying to crossbow your eye and slime your wrists.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

Villain?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, you make a good point.

Why shouldn't I take you off the board?

But if you, but if, wait, wait, here's a oh, here's a here's an interesting question.

Okay, yeah, let's think about those.

Let's break it down.

How do we decide who's the inciting incident that causes someone to become either villain or victim?

Yeah.

If I were to try to hurt Usidor to kill him, am I merely just exacting a righteous revenge

for someone that trapped me in a mental prison?

Right.

But from your point of view, my callous indifference about having accidentally done this to you would cast me as the villain.

But it was not an accident.

You looked at me, you cursed me, I it was indifference, yes, but not an accident.

It was on purpose.

Oh, I was probably trying to like give you a little hat or something.

I was probably just trying to like conjure a little hat for you to wear on your head during the orgy, but we don't need to get back into that.

We relitigate that.

I'm sure it was an accident.

I mean,

you can ask Arnie, you can ask Chunt.

I cast accidental things all the time, right?

Oh, yeah.

So often you'll turn like my arms to chocolate.

You're welcome.

Or Or my legs to chocolate.

You're welcome.

Or a lot of chocolate stuff.

Yeah, the table to chocolate or Arnie's laptop to chocolate.

Oh, now I'm seeing it.

Your tail is chocolate.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you sir.

Do you mind?

Sorry about that.

Yeah.

Eros.

Trollo, come on.

Oh, you just.

Okay, you made it ice cream.

All right.

Okay, that's better.

Right.

Wetter.

Wetter.

Wetter is better.

Let me try.

think a bigger diga doo

whoa my tail turned into a smaller chunt son of a bitch

hey buddy hey buddy hey buddy hey buddy hey buddy whoa i'm almost like nicholas we got we're gonna do this yeah we got this we gotta kill him yeah we gotta kill him remember when nicholas did that remember wait what oh talk

i'm doing it right now i've got my own aside going on he was pumping himself up uh let me try this one Badras Taylus Returnus.

Aww.

He fixed it.

I should do that more often.

Real clean cut, real clear.

Yeah.

When the spell sounds like the words that you're trying to convey, I feel like that's usually when the spells are best.

Okay.

But when they're like hinky-dinky, rinky-dinky, like I feel like that's when it's a lot of chocolate.

Yeah, those are the worst ones.

And then the second worst ones are like the Roth

ones.

Okay, so everyone everyone has notes now.

Nicholas, Nicholas, do you have some notes?

Now I'm seeing you've cast three spells, like rapid fire.

I kind of need

more scrolls because I want to be able to cast more.

Oh, so.

You need a.

I see that you need components to cast your spells.

There's nothing wrong with that.

What components do you need?

We got a lot of stuff in the tower.

What do you need?

Yeah, there's lots of components around.

Go.

I need a bottle of fresh liqueur.

Okay, we got a fish.

I need a secret that has never been spoken to a friend before.

Okay.

Any chunk, do we have any secrets left?

We told each other everything, right?

Oh, boy.

Sometimes when Yusidor turns my genitals to chocolate, I eat them.

I mean, that's not really a secret.

Like, you maybe have never spoken it, but we know.

We knew.

Oh, why did you guys say anything?

I mean, why?

Why don't we talk about that?

Why would we bring that up?

Okay.

Good enough.

I'll take that.

I'll take that.

And here's a bottle of liquor from behind the bar.

Yes.

And then the latent dreams of a scorned warlock.

Okay.

How often are your ingredients just things you can provide yourself?

That's handy.

Well, I'm all at it.

I've told myself all my secrets.

Sure.

So I can't.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't use components a lot, but I tend to use the ones that need wizard milk.

The deadly ones.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, just because I can provide it, you know.

Yeah.

Whatever happened to, like...

No follow-up questions?

No.

I'd rather talk about John's chocolate penis.

I mean, honestly, my chocolate penis would go really well with some wizard milk.

You got your penis and my nibbles.

You got my nibbles and your penis.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Now in our 10th year.

Oh, looks like that bottle's really...

There's something going on in there.

Your spell is cooking?

It burns with

malice and light.

And I open it and I drink it.

And I spit it all over the ground.

And now, Usador,

you may find it very, very, very, very, very hard to move.

Oh, like through the space space you spit on?

Yes.

Well, don't walk around it, you know.

Walk around, man.

What the hell?

What the hell?

What the hell?

That was the other

six months.

It takes me a little longer to get to the bar, but it's not too bad.

Oh, but wait, but wait.

Nicholas, look, look, look,

my foot.

Oh, no, I can't move my foot.

No!

No,

it wasn't for you, Chunt.

You weren't supposed to even be in this.

Now you're going to to be stuck there for a fortnight.

Oh, shit.

So wait, we're not going to be able to clean this, right?

Because if we try to clean it.

No.

Cleaning it makes it worse.

Cleaning it makes it spread.

Cleaning it makes it worse.

I thought I was going to have him.

Yeah.

Do you want anything for the bar, Nicholas?

Drink,

snack?

A bat beer, please.

A bat beer.

Arnie, you need anything?

I'll have a robin beer.

Robin beer.

Chunt?

Antidote?

Antidote.

Okay, great.

Arnie, I put my right foot in and I can't take my right foot out.

Have you tried shaking it all about?

No.

No, don't do that.

That's how you get it.

Oh,

yeah.

He's out.

Oh, it's out.

It's out.

Okay, a matte beer, Robin Beer, an antidote,

and a nice, frothy red ale to myself.

Okay.

Cheers to Nicholas with the new title.

Villain.

To villains.

Ah, yes.

To a new villain, replacing the ranks of those who've disappeared.

So

unceremoniously.

I'll choose to chase my dreams.

But

I wanted to

talk to you, Usidor.

Yeah,

I wanted to talk to you, too.

This whole bullshit.

I wanted to talk to both of you.

Shut up, Bonnie.

This whole bullshit about trying to kill me, let's be honest.

You're never going to do it.

You can't do it.

I'm too powerful.

I'm too smart.

I'm too clever.

You spit a circle on the ground.

I walked around it.

I mean, that was just walking.

I didn't have to use magic.

So,

I would argue that walking is magic, and

it's not easy.

Every breath is a gift.

So, Nicholas, I think you're a great guy.

I'm really sorry about whatever happened before, but let's bury the hatchet, as they say.

Let us now move forward together in harmony.

And you're saying that you need people like me to mount an offensive against the imposing villain threat?

Yes, uh the wizards amass power.

Uh, villains are disappearing.

But who knows is causing that to happen?

Uh, perhaps one of the wizards themselves.

And so we're always looking for stalwart and determined people like yourself.

I you learned how to make the stars move.

Yes.

You didn't do it, but.

Well, no, I've been...

Here's the thing.

That's why I don't use it.

I've been doing it this entire time.

Oh, yes, the the big dipper is now over there where it was over there

Okay, well you're basically just fucking over a bunch of sailors by doing that, you know, they're gonna

heard a lot of sailor deaths recently.

Oh, no the sailors.

I didn't think about the sailors.

Yeah.

Oh

Oh, I've been doing this all the time.

I mean

I feel like I've heard this is all secondhand, but I've heard that the sailing industry has been devastated recently.

Oh, oh, I fumped it up.

Oh, I fumped it up.

I've gotten a lot of ravens that said hundreds of boats have been crashing, and therefore a lot of people have been burning down lighthouses because they assume that's a problem.

And then a lot of the vigilantes have been going after the people who have been burning down the lighthouses because they assume they're in the wrong.

Oh, fump.

Oh, fump.

Oh, fump.

Oh, no.

I just wanted to kill you, Sudor.

Oh, you've killed thousands of people.

Well done, dude.

Oh, no.

It's all right.

It's all right.

This is what we call a domino effect.

You know, sometimes you just cast a spell, turns your friend's arm into a piece of chocolate.

You just eat some delicious chocolate until his arm grows back.

Sometimes you cast a spell that has a terrible domino effect, which causes hundreds or not thousands of people to die.

It's happened to all of us.

Oh, wait a minute.

Should you feel bad about it?

Guys, guys, I need you to...

Can we can we go in for a little bit of a huddle?

I know we

also got beef, but I need to talk.

I need to ask you a real question.

Yeah, hear me.

Okay, the stars are kind of one thing, and they're like, I'm really important, and I know moving them has kind of messed a lot of things up, but like the sun isn't important, right?

People don't need the sun, right?

If the sun started doing weird things to them, okay, yeah, the sun's pretty important.

No,

yeah, the goddesses deemed it to be a source of life and nutrients for the plants, and it's its heat is what keeps us all alive and fills our bodies with vitamin D, which they which they every time the goddesses said vitamin D, they like kind of giggled.

I don't know what that means.

Also, if you've been like moving the sun to different places in the sky, that could explain some of the Funian climate change that people have been complaining about lately.

Also, it explains why winter solstice seems to come earlier every year.

Oh, every year.

You didn't steal my sunshine, did you?

No,

I was trying to give you more sunshine, so I brought it closer.

Because the sun is just a star, and then I'm not.

Oh, so you wanted to be walking on sunshine yes like every day like might as well be walking on the sun Arnie that's how hot it is or cold

okay all right all right wait hold on David

okay

walking on sunshine

the sun is a mass of incandescent gas that's not a song

Fine, fine, fine.

So you decided here comes the Sun.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

And I say unto you,

These powers are incredible.

What if you learn to focus them, control them?

Under the tutelage of none other than your former enemy, Yusador the Blue!

If I...

My head is spinning with all of the sailor lives that I must have claimed by complete total accident.

But if I...

If I train with you, the Usador.

Okay, if you're gonna train with me, you have to stop cockying the crossbow.

Like, you're still trying to load a crossbow bolt into them.

I'm keeping my options open.

I'm keeping my heart open.

You gesticulate, and I think curse is a coming.

Alright, so

I can't be held responsible for the learned behaviors.

It's fair.

That's fair.

Right, I'm going to put the crossbow down.

Okay.

But if I were to study with you, is there any world in which a villain who's killed thousands?

Yeah.

Could become less of a villain?

Because I feel like I'm on the chopping bl I'm I'm like on the cutting board

for getting vanished.

Sure.

The fact that it hasn't happened yet is incredible.

Do you feel any regret in your heart?

Absolutely.

You're the only person I wanted to kill, other than Grabgar and accidentally Trixie.

Yeah.

Well, I think you're good then.

Oh, so Trixie was an accident.

We're learning now.

Yes.

You're bragging a lot about killing two wizards.

Because

it was still

in for a penny, in for a pound, I should think.

Yeah.

Here's the thing: a true villain wants to cause chaos and destruction and death.

You in your heart do not want to do that.

You felt wronged by me, and that's fair, because I

suppose I wronged you, whatever.

At least look at me when you say you half-apologize.

He was like reading a book while he said that to you.

If you have

regret in your heart, you can't be a true villain.

You can join the side of good, and if you want to study under my tutelage, then I shall teach you the ways of magic.

And if you want, you don't have to do this second part.

You could be called Kid Usidor.

There used to be a guy named Kid Usidor.

I don't know what happened to him.

He's been missing for a while.

Uh.

Maybe he grew up.

Maybe he grew up.

I don't know.

What am I supposed to do?

Keep track of my kids?

To study under

my cursor?

Is this the life that I've been claiming for myself?

Is this

now do I

excuse me for a second?

Thank you for huddling for this long.

My arms are starting to hurt.

I'm actually gonna unhuddle.

And guys, don't reply to him.

I think he's gonna kind of talk to himself.

Yeah, yeah.

What

have we fumped ourselves into this time?

Fumped is a verb?

You said don't listen to me.

You're the one who says,

Don't listen to me.

I'm gonna go outside and I'm gonna do this and I'll be right talking.

Long XLR cable.

Do I

fump

study under the man that I would one day kill?

What do you guys think he's talking about?

What are we saying out there?

Yeah.

Do we have a guest this week?

If this XLR microphone is going into the mixer board on the table and they can hear everything that I'm saying, I think you're saying something like, Am I fumbling?

Oh, you got you've got monitor on.

If I study under Yusador, then I can learn Yusador's tricks.

And if I know Yusador's tricks, then I will be prepared for his tricks.

And if I prepare for his tricks, then one day I could still

use

him.

He was making a fist.

That's a good sign.

Kiss this fist.

I say with this quenched fist raised to the stars that I am still moving.

Oh shit, don't put the

oh, I don't remember.

Oh, it just got so cold.

It just got so cool.

Okay, black hole sun.

Are you good?

Black hole sun.

Oh, shut it in.

Used an organized concern.

Use an organ.

Fix this.

Now I don't know what to say because everyone hates my spells so fucking much.

Spells are great.

Your spells are great.

Your spells are great.

Here's a new one.

So shar, she shy.

She's who saw.

Sasi Sasa.

Saslim Sasa Satal.

No, wait, I was wrong.

Those are the worst kind.

Come on.

Thank you for undoing my mistakes, Usidor.

Oh, no problem.

I am looking forward

to studying with you.

And just think, just as the goddesses demanded that there be a champion for good and sent me here to food, to take this humanoid form, I too shall impart to you the power that you you need to meet your true purpose.

What kind of cadence are these classes gonna take?

Like, are you guys gonna meet regularly?

Yeah, do I do it?

It's not that I don't want to record with y'all every week, but it's like I don't need to.

I don't need to.

No, we're not gonna do this during the punch.

Gotcha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, we can meet at my place up on the hill in my little hovel.

That's you up on the hill?

Yeah, I reconstructed my hovel that I used to have in Hog Space.

I just have a new hovel here.

If you want to go there on like Wednesday mornings before I turn into a goose.

That might work.

Sorry what?

On Wednesdays, I turn into a goose to entertain children.

We talked about this.

Wait, I thought it was Tuesday.

Nicholas, you got to pay attention.

Wait, I thought you were going to be able to do it.

You're going to be a student.

You got to pay attention.

Oh, sorry.

No, you're right.

I turn into a goose before I turn into a swan.

I'm sorry.

That was my.

No, I'm sorry.

Wait.

The student has become the teacher.

It's just too hard of a shift to go straight into Swan.

So I do goose first to kind of warm into it,

and then I ease into Swan from there.

And Nicholas, did you happen to bring any sweat robes just for when you're training and working out and everything?

Oh, I've got, well, I don't have robes, but I have some garbage liners that I have kind of fashioned into a robe that I then tie around me.

So that's perfect.

That's a similar effect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to be a montage forward training regimen

So think of doing things in small bursts and then doing them again and showing your progress

Accelerated over a shorter period of time Representing a longer period of time Absolutely.

I do not do raw eggs though.

I could see the raw going.

Okay.

That's fine.

Was that a deal breaker?

No, that's fine.

I love birds.

So

if you don't want to drink their eggs, that's fine.

If you want to, we could also do it via correspondence.

If you just draw this turtle turtle and this pirate,

and then send that to me, I'll decide whether or not you qualify.

What were those words that were just strung together?

Here, I just have a picture of a turtle.

There's a picture of a turtle and a picture of a pirate.

If you can draw these, then you can get into a use of our school.

I'm going to be honest, I don't think this is going to work out.

No, no, no, no.

I just need to clarify.

I just need to clarify.

Yeah, it's fine.

I'm rooting for you, Nicholas, but as soon as you decided to become his student, you don't understand anything he's saying.

Yeah, I'm breaking down a little bit.

A little bit, little bit, but I'll get it back.

I'll get it back.

I'm sorry.

What is confusing about this?

We're going to train in a montage, which is a short amount of time that represents a large amount of time.

You have to draw this turtle and this pirate, and I'll be a goose on Wednesday mornings until I'm a swan.

What?

I think it makes sense.

I never realized that was a swan.

I thought you were just a fucking ugly duckling.

How

dare you?

Arnie.

Arnie.

Arnie.

I was out of line.

And I shove Arnie into the circle of sprayed liquid.

All right, buddy, you are.

You're in there for a fortnight, my guy.

You are in there for a fortnight, unless you decide to shake, in which that is how you break free.

Man, my spells suck.

I think Arnie's stuck in there, so now we don't know how to end the show.

This could go on for hours.

Well, let's just think about what

Arnie tipped.

Oh, he would read an email.

I don't have an email.

Follow my lead.

Yes.

Dear

Arnie, Usidor, Chunt, and guest.

Yeah, that is me.

I'm writing to you because I have a question about

Nicholas Fump, the warlock.

How fortuitous?

Wow.

That's just for me.

Nicholas,

when you kill Usador, the blue, as you definitely will, probably soon.

Yeah, I think I see that smile.

How will you celebrate?

Where will you go?

Love

a different Arnie.

Okay, and that's a real, and that's a real

emo.

P.S.

I'm definitely from Earth.

I'm an Earthling.

Yeah, yeah.

And I love listening to the show.

Butt-ass donger.

From New Mexico.

And then P-I-S-S.

Uh-huh.

Piss.

That's a real email.

That's a real email.

Yeah, that tracks.

And that was for you.

Nicholas, that was for you, so if you don't mind answering.

Yeah, you want to answer that question.

Oh, you said that.

Well,

I was planning on going to the Salt Springs of Hordahin,

but since I am not done with Yusidor yet, I will leave Hordahain for another day.

We should all go to the Salt Springs of Hordahain.

Yeah.

Judge, do you want to go?

I want to go to the Salt Springs of Hordahn.

Why don't the three of us just go right now?

To the salt springs of Hordaheim?

Exactly.

Oh, I would absolutely love to go to

Hordahine.

Oh, wait, we're forgetting something.

Ernie, did you want to go?

I'm stuck.

All right, let's go.

Guys, I'm still stuck down here.

Anyone else in the tavern want to help me?

No?

Guess I'll take a nap.

Hmm, fixed in place with no choice but to listen to what happens in that cursed establishment?

Welcome to my world.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Nicholas Fump, the Vengeful Warlock, was played by special guest Tyler Davis.

Check out Tyler's original short films and other work on his Instagram page at TylerA Dave.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus: the first episode of the Momo the Mouse spin-off, Hello from the Teeny Tavern, starring Aaron Keefe.

I'm your host, Momo the Mouse with Human Strength.

If you've never listened to the show, here is everything you need to know.

Ten years ago, my co-worker, Arnie, fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago.

Luckily, he's still getting a Wi-Fi signal, so I can record this podcast in a little hole in the wall next to the table where Magic Tavern usually records.

You know what this means?

I successfully wore him down until he said fine, whatever, and let me do my own podcast that is a celebration of all things teeny tiny.

I pushed him a little too far, and he took a week off, so it has been one week since I have seen Arnie.

I think he's upset with me, but I'll deal with that later.

The first thing I want to do is introduce my co-host that might sound a little familiar to you.

Chuck baby,

show him who's boss.

Oh, yeah, tiny babies.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

And don't forget to sign up on the website instead of the Apple Patreon app to avoid any extra evil Apple fees.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Guys, I'm still stuck down here.

Anyone else in the tavern want to help me?

No?

Guess I'll take a nap.

Hey, it's me, Big Rick.

They never invite me over to the table, but I just wanted to say, Baba Booey.

I'm trying to sleep, Big Rick.

Hey, it's me, Stinky Frank.

You mind if I pop a squat?

Thanks, buddy.

Man, I can't believe we finally made it on here, Stinky.

Yeah, should we uh

I never thought we'd be on the good podcast.

This is, this is fun.

Hey, hey, come, come on over.

We're doing it now.

Oh, hey, it's me, Tiny Tarantino.

This is gonna rule.

Quit looking at tiny feet.

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