Season 5, Ep 48 - Chronicler (w/Richard Kind & Erin Kief Live from SF Sketchfest)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Yes, ten years and one episode later, back to mindlessly chugging along. Doesn't get more on the bus at the end of the graduate than that.

I should mention a special thanks to the iHeartRadio Podcast Awards, which just last week awarded Hello from the Magic Tavern Best Fiction Podcast. Fiction.
Best Fiction Podcast.

If you won't believe me, believe iHeartRadio. Heads up, this episode is a recording of our San Francisco Sketchfest live show, recorded on January 19th at Club Fugazi with special guest Richard Kind.

Alongside a million other roles, you know him as Bing Bong from Inside Out, the imaginary friend who sacrifices himself so joy can escape out of the psychological equivalent of the Grand Canyon filled with snow globes.

Because sometimes imaginary characters threaten to outstay their welcome. And I can't think of a better segue into saying, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neekam, the greatest warrior in all of Foon.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. More or less 10 years ago, give or take, depending on when we released this episode to the main feed,

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through that dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern The Wander Lost, where we all are now

in the magical land of Foon.

And I gotta say,

it's packed in the tavern tonight.

And as a general rule, I don't know how you are when you go into a tavern. That's usually not my first thought.
Like, oh, I'm glad it's packed in here.

But honestly and sincerely, I'm so happy that all of you are here. Thank you for coming out for a night of the tavern.

I'm even excited, like, there are people sitting in, we'll say the rafters of the tavern.

You know, my guess is probably assassins.

I mean, that, yeah, so if you're in the rafters and you're not an assassin, just know you are probably sitting next to an assassin.

We called it the assassin's lounge, which I've got mixed feelings about, but at least they know where the assassins are.

All right, so my rule for myself is when I start getting tepid laughter, I like to bring in my co-host.

You know him, you love him, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Oh,

yeah, baby.

How you doing, buddy? You know what? I said this to everyone in the tavern, and so it would probably be awkward if I didn't also say it to you. I'm happy you're here, buddy.
I'm happy to be here.

I'm happy you're here. Yeah, and I'm happy all these, whoa, what are these? Rafters? Yeah.

Did the tavern always have rafters? Not always but you know we had a lot of requests from assassins

to have a place to be huh and ornie i don't know if you know this but chickens are actually descendants from rafters so

just something to think about nature finds a way

oh i have my tankard and i also have a can of ape water

Okay. Have you had ape water in Foon? Have I had ape water? No, I don't.
Is it water? I'm going to be... I imagine this is a sponsor, so I'm going to be very careful.

I'm trying to think of a scenario for ape water in our show that sounds positive. Yeah.

Well, I think it's sweat. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Well, that was better than what I was thinking, frankly.
Well, what did you think? I won't say it.

Very cool. And you said the Coca-Cola polar bears are your favorite?

My favorite sponsors? Oh, yes.

Yes. I would say, well, my second favorite.
My first favorite is Lucky the Leprechaun. Ooh.
And especially with the caveman version of that, where they say, Frosted Lucky Charms, Oogalegami.

Yes, you got it exactly right. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. What's your favorite? Like, there's some amount of sponsors in Foom.
Who are some of your favorites?

Ooh, I think the Morglor Muskrat is pretty cool. Oh, okay.
So It's a sponsor for an illegal drug. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It kind of helps soften the edges of a buying drug.

I've always heard Morglorb sells itself. No.
The muskrats do all the selling.

Okay. But that's the thing, is us little creatures, we, you know, we're not always visible to sight lines, so sometimes people don't see them.
Yeah. Arnie, is this my nose?

I was just wondering the same thing. I think you, do you have a concussion? There's a big...

Oh.

You know, it's only on nights when the tavern is really this full that I start to understand the whole geography of your body doesn't make a lot of sense. Wow, Arnie,

you're a poet. The geography of your body, Arnie,

I've been working on a little erot. Wow.

My southern canyons are starting to get precipitation. Ooh.

Torrential.

Okay.

All right, I'm not going to think about that too hard.

Arnie, what's going on with you, buddy? Not much. You know, it's been busy around here.
I think there's a big mittens game in town.

It was kind of hard to get in the tavern today because lots of people just yelling

right outside the tavern. Yes.
I saw a lot of ravens severely disappointed. Yes.
They were carrying their messages and then they just went

and just kind of dove into the ground. Yeah.

Was there, and I'm not as familiar with it as you are, was there any other kind of animal or thing?

I think it was a bunch of ravens fighting a guy named Bill. Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Or William. Okay.
Yeah. Oh, no.
Yeah. Oh, no, man.
And he's a piece of shit. Oh, okay.
Yeah. He's a piece of shit.
Oh, sure. I believe it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Anyone named Bill. Correct.

Here's the thing. Think of a Bill?

Yeah, piece of shit.

I wish the Ravens were fighting someone who was like, I don't know, 48 or 50, somewhere in that range. Sure, sure.
Yeah,

somewhere in there. Yeah.
Maybe a 49er, I'll say it. Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're going for.

Wow, you really don't know anything about the local wildlife, yeah. Yeah.

You know, numbers, not my. Oh, right.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I don't see numbers. I'm going to start framing it like that.
I don't see numbers. Oh, wow.

That's wildly progressive of you. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, I did get fired from a job once where

I was like, welcome to progressive. I don't see numbers.

Whenever I get that kind of tepid laughter, I like to introduce my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Eusidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakis, the elves know me as Fian Yalak,

the dwarves know me as Sonan and Hook Stanges, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius May Star.

And know this,

know that if ever my name is interrupted by loud screaming,

any who dare to do so shall have their ears each turned into a snake, and that snake shall devour their brain from the inside out. So, look forward to that.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with the two of you before we get started here. Okay.
I couldn't hear a thing you were talking about.

Arnie, do you want to tell them about all the

ravens?

Oh.

I don't care. Oh.

That makes sense. No, that checks out.
I can't imagine it's important in any way. Whoa, Usidor, I've never noticed this before, but

you're beautiful.

Yes.

What is this? The dagger?

The dagger in case someone pisses me off? Wait a second. What? Wait, Usidor.
Was that in your belt or in your back?

Because one thing you might have missed is there are a lot of assassins in the tavern tonight. Oh yeah, it's covered in blood.
You were stabbed, Usador.

Which one of you sons of bitches did it?

Okay, raise your hand if you're a son of bitches.

I will say.

Someone else raised your hand over there. Okay, so there's some more enthusiastic hand raised.
My favorite assassin response was one assassin just went.

Check, please.

All right. Well.

Let it be known that if you stab Usador in the back, he shall return this favor

thrice over. I changed from three times to thrice because I thought it sounded a little more wizardly.
Oh, that's what you call the old thrice a rony.

Arnie, Arnie, what a treat. What a treat.
What a treat. I shall return this favor thrice over.

Know that if you have attempted to kill me, I shall attempt to kill you three times. What? Wow.

So, I don't think that's a threat you think it is.

Arnie, in Fun, we have an expression which is an eye for three eyes. Okay.

So someone stabs you in the eye three times, you return one? No, if somebody stabs you once, you stab them three times. Okay.
What if they only have two eyes? Huh?

I don't see numbers.

I'm very excited. How are you doing, Arnie? You know, I'm doing okay.
Hey, you know what? I would feel bad if I didn't say it. I'm happy you're here, buddy.
Oh, I'm happy you're here as well.

Unless you stabbed me in the back.

And then I shall kill thee thrice over. over.
Look. We've been friends for more or less 10 years.
We've all stabbed each other at some point.

And I don't know how that sounds, so don't even.

Your body's geography.

I'm excited. Well, look, we talked so much about the assassins, but I also see we've got some Mittens fans in the crowd.

We have a few people.

I think someone was just stabbed. We have a Skur Buzzards jersey and

Hogsface Poison Blades. I'm so excited that that is merch that we did not make.

I also see someone wearing a Suck It Knee Camp shirt.

Now.

That was one of ours. Can you still get that? Yeah, well here, well, you know what? I'm going to play some 3D chess.
You turned on your pants? Oh.

Oh!

I'm also wearing a suck-it-knee camp t-shirt. Wow.

Which I just realized is not the own I thought it would be.

I hoisted myself on my own petard. I really did.

Can I hoist myself on my own petard? No, can you suck it?

Because your church is telling you to suck it. Look, guys, we...
Suck it. Suck it.
Suck it. Suck.
Arnie, they want what they want. Guys, we've known each other for more or less 10 years.

We've all sucked it. More, more.

More or less, yeah. Yeah.
Hey, we've all sucked it. We've all sucked it.
And I should say, just very quickly, if you have any emails you want to send us,

I may not see them, but you can send an email as always to chuntwith6ts at gmail.com if you have any questions about the show.

But of course, as you're hearing this, you wouldn't be at the show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Also, I should mention, the wake staff is very busy tonight, and customary tipping in Voon is about 50%.

I'm not fucking around.

You see, how are you doing lately? Oh, I'm fine, except for getting stabbed in the back,

trampled by a horse.

I was also,

someone came up behind me with a garot wire

and tried to cut through my neck.

Let's see, then I got six arrows shot at me.

You know what? Someone is trying to kill me. Yeah.

No, you're paranoid. Oh,

okay. I'll be chill then.

You sort of, I guess I've never really asked this before, but just sort of looking at

your body's geography.

Do we want to play this game? No, no. Oh, God, I took my overshirt off.

You... How comfortable are you ever?

Like, wearing this, like,

what's the comfort level? Arnold Chunt. It's Arnie.

I am a creature of pure magic, brought into this world by a conspiracy of squirrels and birds and rain and fire that insisted that there be a champion.

And magic incarnate did fire down from the heavens and take this human shape insisting that a champion step forth

and it's it and i my back hurts sure oh yeah yeah uh you know because i'm i'm carrying the weight of all that you know all the responsibility of being you know a fantastic champion of foon and destroying evil everywhere and uh making sure that goodness triumphs and reigns and frankly not doing the greatest job right now.

Yeah, things are a little stressful in Foon. Yeah.
But you know what? Tonight, let's just enjoy being together in the tavern. Yes, we've known each other for 10 years, more or less.
More or less.

And Arnie,

I got a tattoo. I should have mentioned this up top.

Oh, your tattoo says hello from the magic tavern. Yeah, it hurt so bad.
Yeah, I will say you ripped your fur open. Yeah.

Yeah.

That was thus the scream. yeah did that not read so

why did you get hello from and not welcome to oh shit no you sort of been saying this for 10 years it's hello from the magic tower oh sorry my bad let me button up my skin

artie do we have a guest today we do and you know I don't know

I'm just as I'm just hearing it who knows if our guests can hear us but hopefully they can. I'm so excited.
We have someone that works for royalty. We have the king's

a king's royal chronicler so behave yourselves so behave yourselves ladies and gentlemen uh give a warm welcome to stephen anonymous

Now Stephen, do I refer to you as your lordship or do you have a title that I should refer to you as? Steve is good. Steve is good.
Very good, good. Excellent.
Not even a mister, just a Stephen. Okay.

Stephen. Steve.
And please, with a V, not a PH. Oh, okay.
For God's sake. Yes.
Steve Denny. Steve.
Steve. Steve.
Steve Denny. Stephen.
Stephen. Yeah.
Yeah.

No, not Stephen. That's Stefan.
Now, the King's Chronicler has insisted that we use Vs and not PHs.

So if there are any Stevens here with PHs, I insist that you cut the PHs out of your name right now and then flog yourself for half an hour.

So if anybody here went to Wizardry College and you have a PhD, no, you don't. You now have V D.
Yes, thank you.

And if...

Yes, let's stay with that.

And I was going to say something, but that was so good I've decided not to. No, Art, please.

Wise. Wise.
Wise.

Stephen, we're

we're not going to talk about each other's bodies.

You can. Yeah.

Go ahead. Oh, you want to talk to Stephen? That's fine.
No, we can get to it now. Let's talk about bodies.
We can talk about bodies. You can talk about the bad

body. You know,

if I'm being honest, I feel like I've had some tectonic shifts in my body over the years. So, you know, the geography is not what it used to be.

Well, none of us are.

Time takes its toll. And I just want to say, Arnie, you have a beautiful body.
Oh, thank you. Chunt, you have a beautiful body.
Thank you.

Stephen, I just met you, and the first thing I want to say to you is, you have a beautiful body. Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Wow.
And Isidore, I think. This doesn't come naturally.

I have to work hard at looking like this. Oh, you do? Very hard.

What's your regimen?

Getting out of bed and that sitting up part, that's it. That's very difficult.
Well, that takes a lot of effort. Very difficult.
Yeah. How long does that take? Oh,

I do it once, three times a day. Oh, yes.

That's what it is, yes. You, sir, I think the three of us agree, your body is a wonderland.
Yes, so thank you. You have a beautiful body as well.
What is it? What is wonderful? Yeah, wonderful body.

Of course. Of course, my body is wonderful because it can produce all sorts of magical wonders.

Huh.

Yeah. But that's probably it for tonight.
Yeah.

keep keeping it keeping it toit keeping it toit. Did you always have that talent? Yes, I've always been able to conjure birds at will

But

I think I'm spent. There's a refractory period.
Sure

I can I can I can definitely spout out birds, but it takes longer and longer for me to return to the state where I'm ready to like sure perform again. It happens to most guys.
Yeah.

And I can't see too well. Is that a pheasant?

Sure. Yeah.

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So, Stephen, you're a chronicler for one of the kings. That is correct.
And so you sort of write histories? I do. People used to pass down stories, write them on caves and everything.

So now it's a niche job. And, you know, I write them down, I pass them around.
They're pamphlets, little leaflets, things like that. That's what I do.
It takes a lot.

My hands are a little grizzled from writing them down. But, you know, I have quills and I used to, you know, the nibs that are not licorice.
Yeah.

I put them into my pocket and they

pierce the thighs.

So sometimes I write in blood. Oh.
Because it's all there. Yeah.
You know, so I've used to put them in a pouch, but then the hands are tough and opening the pouch is tough.

It's fun to write in blood. I've done it for a few incantations myself.
You have?

Oh, yes, sometimes if there's a dark spirit I need to call forth, I'll take a nib, much as you have, and draw some of my known blood and then write on the paper,

Demon from hell, come here, Tafoon, and do your devilish work on behalf of Usidor. Now, I don't usually summon demons, but I do, and then I make fun of them.
So you...

You write it like an invitation? I write it like an invitation. I say, please, RSVP, demon.
So some people do incantations, but you put invitations to a demon. Yes, it's an invitation, incantation.

I understand.

I understand.

Yes.

Now, Stephen, when you write pamphlets or leaflets or any sort of news, are you the voice of the king? Do you speak for the king, or does the king decree exactly what he wants?

I actually

take on different

characters. I rarely write for the king because he gets embarrassed.
And he's always worried that he's going to mess up, even if I'm doing the talking. He worries that I'll misspell things.

So I just, you know,

there's

some guy who chops down trees, and I will take his voice and I'll write out

what he would say if he were to keep a diary

and to tell the the news and that's what I do and I pass it around the towns.

That's wonderful.

Would you talk to this person or would you just like no I take a guess I look at them and I say oh that's what that's what this guy would talk like this is and they're usually uneducated. Oh shoot.

Yeah that's just that's my

I can do that. That's what I like to do.
Oh that's fantastic. Yeah they're usually dumb and

but you know it's so you can you can easily look at them and kind of sum up their whole deal. That's right.
And write as they would. But they'd sound alike because they're all stupid.
Yes.

So

they don't stick to facts either.

They make them up. I just make them from my own mind.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about right now.

Not to put you on the spot for your powers, but would you be able to summarize maybe how you perceive the three of us or maybe even just Arnie? Maybe. Like what his voice would be or what his deal is?

Definitely uneducated.

Well,

let me ask what would I be talking about what would I be reporting in his voice well Arnie is a man from another world who's trapped here in our magical world yes

and he would say

I don't know why but I I keep looking at these bottles and and I I got ADD and I just they're they're just in the way and it should be a blank stage but I should be picking these up these are disturbing me oh yeah

I don't know why. I'm concentrating on three, and I'm worried that somebody's going to knock it over.
Uh-huh. Well, they're not.
Yeah. That's because you're dumb.
We're nowhere near them.

We're nowhere near these cans. That's already to a team.
You're an idiot. Yeah.
You're just dumb, but nobody's anywhere near these.

We're nowhere near these cans. They're fine where they are.
Now, Arnie. Why am I worried? You're so neurotic.
What?

You're correct. He needn't worry.
But, Arnie, do you know what

ADD is here in food? Yeah, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons.

It's absolute dungeon deficit. That means Stephen Anonymous here has looked at you and said, this guy's never been through a dungeon.
He doesn't do any adventuring. He's kind of a lazy guy.

That's what ADD is. You look at someone and you go, they've never been through a dungeon.
He's got ADD.

That's pretty similar to what it is on Earth. And I have to say, I have both.

If you've listened to this podcast, you are not surprised.

And there are lots of positive ways to deal with it.

You have many great skills besides that. You chronicle your

conversations here and send them back to your world. I think that's a great talent.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm a great talent coming out of a beautiful body.
Oh, thank you.

I heard from other towns that you had like a sort of purple-pinkish shirt, and yet I see you in blue. Oh,

I made a choice,

and I took off my polo, but actually, I think I'm going to put it back on.

On my world, we have something called merch,

and you just have to dedicate a little bit of time every day to sort of talking about or showcasing the merch. And,

you know, it's a long story, not a good one, but we have merch. Oh, well, that's wonderful.
I didn't see that.

Oh, there's every reason to wear that.

If you need a moment to put that shirt back on right now. I think that's what I'm going to do, actually.
If you need a moment to do that, I'll keep talking and just say,

Stephen, even though this is very strange to us, I've often heard Ani talk about teapublic.com slash magic tavern.

What was that again? teapublic.com slash magic tavern.

But not we don't have that for sale, right?

No, certainly not. And I I if you were to go there uh even right now, on a device, which none of you here have because you're all foonish citizens, I

could purchase a t-shirt. Now you can pick up your mic and talk again.
I covered for you. I don't.

Bravo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just noticed from your footstomps, wow, you truly are a man of the king. Arnie, he's wearing hokas.

Only the most wealthy men in Foon can afford hokas.

You smoke out of them. You smoke a hokah.
I smoke a hokah. Oh, yes.

They do double duty. I walk to them and they're always there for me to inhale.

They're wonderful. Arnie, would you like to smoke out of a hoka?

You can. Oh, yay.
You can. I think.

I think, Arnie,

Arnie, this is a great privilege. Well, I have to be careful because I really hate moisture on my socks.
Okay, so I will be holding my foot up

like this. Yes, Yes, and

I would never allow a man of the king to raise his foot in the air without some support. So I will.

I'm going to tell you something.

I hate

this. This is servile.
I am a liberal. I think this is wrong.

This is wrong. Should I move?

No,

I didn't say that. I'm I'm weighing my liberality versus my utter distaste for wet socks.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And as Ayn Rand,

who is a chronicler over in another village,

would say, you have to be selfish in a good way. So because if I did this and put my foot into the wet stuff, I would be unhappy, making you unhappy.

So I only am unhappy now with this, but not that unhappy. I see.

And I just want to apologize forever is right there.

They are seeing the southern map of my geography.

You have a beautiful body. Yes.

And also, Chunt is our most arch character, so this is great arch support.

Oh, he takes it literally.

We should get everybody involved. Do you want to take a whiff first?

Thank you

for the privilege.

Now, beware, it's habit forming.

I have so many habits that are bad for me, they all cancel each other out.

All right, well, there you go, good luck.

Wow,

he really got in there.

I feel like Dennis Hopper.

I'm just happy you didn't spill it on my seat. Oh, yes.

Well, thank you so much, Stephen, and thank you, Junt. Thank you so much.

You're very kind, and I mean that.

You're kind.

I'm going to write about this.

The word will be spread far and wide through my chronicles.

That is more than I can hope for. Thank you.
It's lovely. Thank you.

Charitable and philanthropic, and that's with a V.

Philanthropic. That's right.

Now, Stephen, you, Stephen Anonymous, you chronicle the goings-ons

in your kingdom,

and you imagine what, say, like a lumberjack may say,

or a cobbler may say, and

you write these things down in your chronicles. Have you ever thought about staging them as a series of monologues? Wow.

Yes.

I actually have. We have, yes.

In the kingdom is a wonderful,

a wonderful

teacher of acting. Yes.
We call him schmuck.

And

it's all a sham. It's a game.
He steals from those idiots who will pay him money and they all want to get up on stage, which is actually just a stump.

And they just stand on the stump and they pronounce, but you see, they can't read.

So I just keep yelling the words. So in essence, I'm doing the acting, and then they just scream out my words.
Wow. Yeah, they can't read.
Did anybody understand that?

Perfectly. Perfectly.
Or is it just a head joke?

Okay.

For what you've attempted to give these people the opportunity to speak their words unto the populace, and they stand here upon the stump and scream line, line, while you say, I am a lumberjack, a fool who fells trees, and I have wasted my entire life.

And then he says, I'm a lumberjack, blah, blah, blah. He kind of like stumbles over it, and then he calls for line again, and you have to feed him the lines.
Right, but they're not all bad.

Some are pretty good. Some are pretty good.
I've seen some good stuff. I saw

them. Did you all see the phagina monologues? I'm so sorry.

Not the vagina monologues, the vagina monologues.

No agents. A wonderful town

warlock named Fagina, now known as Vagina, gave some incredible monologues.

That's right. They just stand up and they spout, and people will

pay flowers to see it. Oh.

They bring flowers to see it. Oh, that's fantastic.
And then these stupid people eat the flowers. Oh.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Stephen, can I ask you,

how did you get into chronicling in the first place? Was it something when you were a kid you wanted to be a chronicler? No.

No, I actually,

when I was a kid, I wanted to shovel. I just wanted, that's all I wanted to know.

I wanted to shovel things.

Sometimes it was snow. Sometimes it was just

that people would plow, and I would like to have dirt and just shovel it out of the way. And my back hurt.

So I said, let me look into something else. And so I just started to write these things down.

And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it.
I had a wonderful teacher who actually knew how to write, Miss Tyndall.

And

she taught me how to write in my voice. Oh.
Yes, she always taught me to write in the present, as if I were talking to somebody.

So when you see some of my stories, you'll say, hey, this is happening right now. I'm actually saying this is happening to me.
That's because everybody's stupid. I see.
Right.

I actually have one of your scrolls here.

Okay.

Yeah, read it, tough guy.

You dumb piece of shit. Read it.

I already covered for you once. Yes.

It says,

hey, it's like this is happening right now.

Those things that I'm reading are happening right now.

Would you like to get up and act this? Okay, sure.

Ooh, I've never seen Arnie act before.

Arnie, let's pretend this stump is right there

behind the waters. Okay.
Ooh, hey, this is happening right now. Find your light.
Okay.

Arnie, relax your shoulders. Okay.
Repeat after me.

Five foonish friends.

Five foolish friends. Found valuable Frezure.

Found.

Sorry, dude. Just trying to help you warm up.
Found. Five foolish friends found valuable Frezure.
Close enough. Close enough.

If you could,

the town drunk once did that. Uh-huh.
And I would like to see you as the town drunk on a stump

Say those lines. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, yes.
Ooh, yes. This is like Stan has les keys.
One of the great actors in Foon. Stan has less keys.
He would always inhabit the role fully. Okay.

You know why they called him that? Why? He lost his lunch. He had les keys.
Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. I'm going to try to be really present and in the moment.
Hey, this is happening right now. Okay.
And I'm going to be the town drunk.

Oh, are you cold, Arnie? No, no, no. I'm sorry, I'm kind of like getting into character.

And I'm just sort of like imagining, you know, you like hold a character in your head of like maybe someone you've seen in your life before.

Whoa, are you a crook?

Are you playing a crook?

Look, let me tell you,

I'm not a crook.

How dare you?

It already said, get off my plane.

Get off my plane. Very good, very good.

Okay, all right. I think you're ready.
I think you're ready. All right, no, I think, okay.

I

am

Usidor, wizard of the telk realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical

delights, devourer of chaos,

champion of the grand

you know what, guys? I'd expect

we've been doing this podcast for 10 years more or less.

Why when you were asked to be the town drunk

did you decide to impersonate me?

I haven't had a drink since I came out here.

And I should, I can clear this up. I know that there is a new town drunk, drunk.

Momo and the mouse. Yes.

She might be drunk. I might have to go get her.
Yeah. I think we might be in trouble here.
Yes.

Are Momo's ears burning? Yeah, your head is on fire, are you?

What did you do back there?

I was slow dancing with a candle. Oh.

I think it went well. Wow.
Hello, it's me, Momo, the mouse with human strength. Hello, thank you for having me.

Momo, before you get too comfortable, we should say there is an envoy from the king here. Oh, yeah, I know him.
Oh. I live in your shoes.

That's correct. Yeah, you're a fantastic landlord.

So good. Thank you very much.
So responsive. I thought I smelled you, but

I didn't want to say it because I thought it would be weird. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I'm late. I was coming from a rehearsal for the vagina monologue.
Oh. Oh, Momo, would you screw it up? Would you? Yes.

Please. I don't have it totally memorized.
That's okay. Watch out for the ape water.

Okay, great. Oh, Momo, do you want me?

I know you're a little drunk. It looks like your head slippers.
Your head.

You know what? You're fine. You're fine.
It's hot under there.

Momo, would you like me to be on scroll for you in case you're not?

Thank you so much. Perfect.

Actually, you especially would love that. Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes. Okay.
My vagina is powerful.

It's a manipulator of magical delight.

This is the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow.

Devour of chaos. Devour.

That one works. Devourer of chaos.
Lime.

The elves know me.

The elves know me as...

Thank you. Fionylek.
The dwarves know me as... Zonin.
Hubistang. Hubistang.

That's actually correct in this script. Lime.

I'm known throughout the northeast. I'm known throughout the northeast as...
Gas Manius, Gas Anus, Glas Anus. Mayst.
Gas My Anus. Gas My Anus, Mae Star.
And line. And I like to get down and nasty.

And I like to get down and nasty.

Now,

excuse me, this is straight cheese, and Mama's going to get even more drunk.

So you're cheese drunk. Oh, yeah.
It's cannon that I get drunk on cheese. Do you not remember?

Oh.

Do you even listen to this show?

He doesn't even listen. I get drunk on cheese.
Oh, you get drunk on cheese. Free, cheddar, the other kind, soft cheese, hard cheese.
Yeah, yeah.

Cannonbert. Ooh.
Yeah, that's one of them. Vondue.
Mm-hmm.

Swiss. Did you say vondue? Yeah.

Okay. I do kegs of fondue.
You drink fondue upside down when you're in college. When you're a mouse.
Oh. Oh, I see.
I'm talking too much.

You usually do fondue stands. Yeah.
That's fun. Have you ever done one? Oh, sure.
When I hang out with my mouse friends. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah. And they can lift you? Oh, yeah.

I mean, it takes like a thousand of them. Yeah.

Unless you're there. Unless I'm there and it just.
You have human strength. Yes, of course.
Now, Momo, living in Stephen's shoe

in the Hoka,

There must be some sort of like nighttime ritual that you two have.

When you're ready to go to bed and you want him to stop walking, and and when he's ready to go to bed and he wants you to stop drinking.

What's that like when you're getting ready to settle down for night?

Well, occasionally, if he's up late, he says I can sleep in his slipper, which is really kind of you, Stephen. Very nice.

And there's a little sort of a pocket where my, you see, my big toe aims a little bit that way. Oh, yeah, just a little spot right in there.
And I say, come on in. It's incredibly cozy.
Right.

And if perchance my toe does wander towards a chance, she has human strength and can push it over.

So it's fine. It's fine.

So it's really easy.

It's teamwork. And if it bothered me, I wouldn't have her there.
I'm no fool.

But she's lovely at night.

What's this shoe setting you back? What? How much is this shoe setting you back? Oh, like the rent? Yes, what's the rent? I pay him in stories.

Adorable. And I take those stories, I write them on parchment, and I take a woodcutter, and I put them on a stump, and I read those stories aloud, because I can't come up with all these stories.

She's magnificent.

Yes, of course, Momo is magnificent. But

she has to eat a lot of cheese before she starts spouting these stories. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Because I'm shy.
I need a little...

I'll need a little cheese. I'm going to need a little cheese.
I'm going to need a little cheese. To get warmed up here.
To get warmed up. You need a little dairy courage.
Exactly.

Stephen, you got anything living in your other shoe? What?

You think I'm a landlord?

Arnie, disgusting. No, why would I do that? Oh, I don't know.
Oh,

that's a hat on a hat. Oh, Stephen.

Stephen, I am so sorry about that. It's all right.
It's all right. I don't waste my time.
Oh, my God. There are so many assassins.
There are so many assassins. Honk?

Yeah. Okay, well, I I don't think Honk's here.
Although, you know what? Oh my gosh. It's actually that time.

There's a prayer that all the assassins have to say at this time. It's their assassin's creed.

And so we're going to give you some space. Everyone down here, be quiet.
And I think they're all going to say it in unison. Yeah, they're all going to say it at the same time.

So go ahead and just start your assassin's creed.

Oh, hold on a second, I gotta write this down.

Well, that was quite beautiful to see. I've never seen them do that before.
I heard one rutabaga and a lot of watermelons.

Yeah, that's the thing, you know, they were saying, I don't know if you guys caught it, but some part of that,

there are a lot of parts of it that I have no idea what it was, but some of that was watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.

That's what's tricky about assassins.

They can be any, they can sneak in anywhere, and you will have no idea because you'll never catch what they're really saying because they're just saying watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.

Well, that's part of the Assassin's Creed, which was written by Anne Rind.

That was objectively good.

Now Stephen I've heard you know much like a what have you heard

I've heard much like a blacksmith

Folds metal and tempers swords to make weapons much like a blacksmith a wordsmith such as yourself can temper words to make them cutting or biting absolutely um do you have any words that you uh could be one word or a phrase that you really enjoy peppering into your work to really drive home a point or to really cut someone?

The word to.

Too. Ooh.

Spelled how.

Any way you want with a T and use some O's. And it can mean anything you want, and people will get it wrong.

Two. I love to throw a W in there.

Wow.

I gotta remember that. Where does it go?

Where does it go? I like it right after the T,

before the O.

That's insane. That's insane.
That's crazy stuff. Then another W and a few more O's.

That's crazy.

W after T.

W after T, except what's the...

Stephen, you would know.

I would.

See, I told you he'd know.

So, Stephen. I've had too too much cheese.
Oh.

Yeah.

Arnie, on Earth, what are some of the, who are some of the great scribes or

transcribers? Have I been passed down?

Oh, to my world? Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know if, you know, I come from another dimension, and so very few things from dimension.

Dimension. For almost 10 years, you've been saying another world.
Now you're suddenly from another dimension? Yeah.

What the fuck are you talking about? Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension.

Chunt, don't say it 20 times.

You talked a lot about how you love Aaron Sorkin from your world?

You know what? If there's one thing you know about me, I love a walk and talk.

That's why, and you know, maybe this doesn't come across in a lot of the episodes. I'm often walking while I'm talking.

Walking around the table. I don't think anyone's going to believe that.

I'm I'm trying to think, well, so, like, you do a lot of sort of

nonfiction chronicling, it seems like. You know what I have chronicled? Did you see what he just did there? He knew that there was danger in leaving that can there.

And I will tell people, if you don't want to spill your water, take it, put it in a glass, and bring it back to where it was, and you won't spill the water. Smart.
I know changes.

That's the kind of nonfiction I write. Wow.
Wow.

Wow. I know.
These are lessons to be learned. Yes.
I know. People will eventually learn them.
It come when they're in your dimension. Yes, Stephen.
Yes.

You're so wise. You write this nonfiction.
If someone are on fire, would the best thing for them to do to be to jump up and down in the air?

If I were on fire. Yes.

And I was reading one of your pamphlets about being on fire, would it recommend that I jump up and down in the air and scream, hooray, I'm on fire?

I don't think that is. No? No, but I don't.
Then what should I do? I don't think that is the knowledge that comes from a chronicler. Well, no, I'm asking you, what would that knowledge be?

Well, what I think. Yes, if I were on fire, what would you recommend I do? I would say...

Throw yourself upon the ground and roll and roll and roll and then jump up and down and go, hey, I'm not on fire. Yes.

Oh, brilliant. But a chronicler doesn't know that.
That is not my area of expertise. I'm just an amateur when it comes to people being on fire.
So you're asking me as if I am

an expert on this? Well, I think that's why I am not an expert. And I can write about it.
I was out here and my whole head was on fire. And you all sat perfectly still.

We've seen it.

We've seen it on the fire. Am I so accident-prone that my head's on fire? And you're like, another Tuesday from

the moment. Yes, Momo.
Unbelievable. Now, Stephen, I apologize.
I thought since you knew about fire, or since you knew about water, perhaps you'd also know about fire. Maybe you'd know about earth.

Maybe you know about wind. I don't know shit.
Okay.

I got no idea. I write it down.

These things are said, or I observe them. And you have no idea what a chronicler does, do you? And you're a wizard.
My guess is you keep your brains in your hat. Damn!

Damn!

It's empty.

He has got your number. And I don't see numbers.

Yeah, my brains are in here.

What prompted you to think that I was an expert, that I was knowledgeable on all things?

Well, it was just the fact that you seem to speak so knowledgeably about the water that I thought perhaps other elements were. I just learned it.

I didn't know that. I saw by example.

And I will chronicle that

and now tell all in every county.

My apologies. You observe things and you are a conduit for the information from other people.

Like you asked about my world, on my world, actually in the Chicago of my world, there's an amazing sort of chronicler named Studs Turkle.

And I'm a big fan of his name? Studs Turkle. Arnie, if you don't know his name, don't make it up.
I don't know it.

That's a fool's name if I ever heard it. I'll be working on being a Studs Turkle.
Yay, reference.

Woo!

And I'm also a big fan of his son, Studs Mackenzie.

Oh, I'm Arnie. I know authors.
My favorite one is Macho Big Guy.

Well, who's your favorite, like,

who's your favorite author in Foon, Usidor? Azratiliel. Who? Azratiliel, the binder of spells, wrote the first spell book ever, Azrateriel.
Oh. I think I read that in school.

Yeah, everyone has to read Azraterial in school. It's pretty cool.
It's a great spell book, but it's pretty basic.

You learn the light spell, like, Galen Lichten cover! And you learn...

Oh, lights. Yep.

Incredible. Everyone...
Ooh.

Oh, people listening. Oh, don't you wish you were here.

Yeah, the show is dark until just now. I know.
That's right.

It was a request from the assassins. Can you keep the tavern as dark as possible? Makes their job 60% easier.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Chud, who's your favorite author?

Ooh, I think the shell, there's like a little shell, I think his name is

Silverstein. It's a little shell, Shell Silverstein, just really accessible,

really fun, a lot of rhyming. Very good, very good.
Is that the shell that has a boy named Sue?

I think, yeah, I think for adults. Maybe people don't know that, but I think that's a shell that has a boy named Sue.
Yeah,

Cultural reference as well.

Yes, he did. Yes, he did.
Stephen, do you have a

favorite author in Film? Yes, Amor

Tolls.

That's T-O-T-W-O-L-Y.

It's my favorite.

He says I like the word too, so I like tolls. Yeah.

Stephen. Amor Tolls.

Amore Tolls.

There's a pun in there somewhere. If you'll just hold on a second.
Okay.

I'll get it sooner or later. Stephen, we've been talking about your work so much.

I hope you don't mind if I pry a little bit. Go ahead.
How is your personal life?

You can read about it. Oh.

I have a bestseller coming out that I'm going to have on sheep's parchment. Okay.

And it's not bad because I go from town to town and into various taverns, not unlike this. Sure.
And I'm a sort of a hooker as well.

Yeah.

And

I'm cheap.

I'm cheap.

You know, all you're going to do, buy me a shot, buy me a beer, and I'm yours. Oh.

And I will write about that. Beer? Can we get a beer? Yeah.

Pizza.

And so you use that as inspiration for your writing. Yes, because you meet so many people.
Sure. And then they stand on stumps and they read about what the night was the last night.
Oh, wow. I know.

It's great.

He's underselling it. He's one of the best hookers in food.
Yeah, she's really.

She's been,

I mean,

believe me, there's a reason why she wants to sleep in my shoe.

So that would be a good spot in the shoe. So it's sort of like you're,

there's spicy stuff going on, but you're out of the splash zone a little bit. I never said I was out of the splash zone, Arnie.
Okay, fair.

I never, ever claimed to be out of the splash zone, Arnie. Did we ever agree on using the term splash zone?

I feel like we should have discussed that before the show.

I thought before the show. You have a beautiful body.
Oh, thank you. You all have beautiful bodies.

Momo feels like she's sort of in a weird dream. Sure.
Everyone here, just imagine being Momo for one second. And the last five five minutes, imagine being in my POV.
Sort of a strange moment.

What were you saying, Arnie? I'm saying.

How have you been besides the drinking?

Basically,

saying that another way, I was going to say, what's next? What's next?

Well,

you know how Momo usually dates things that are her size. Sure.

Mayor Monana, who I heard was here. Oh.

This is embarrassing.

Is this difficult if your ex is here? Yeah, it's pretty hard. I also dated a tall drink of water.
Stephen, I don't know if you read about this. A few years ago, we made a banana mayor.

This is the stuff of Jacqueline Suzanne. I'm going to write this down.
Wow.

You were with the mayor. Yeah, so.
Hi, it's good to see you. Hi, how are you, even?

So, yeah, like I was saying, I was slow dancing a second ago with a candle, who was very high.

And it's going really well.

And it was really nice. You were soul dancing with a candle? Before I came out here, that's why my head was on fire.
Isn't that interesting?

Was there like a little song that went with the dance? Oh my god, you're tricking me.

So it was that song.

If you could excuse me one second. I'm just going to.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm almost good. Oh, is it seeing Mayor? Look.
Yeah, I guess so. I just wasn't expecting

her to look so handsome as he does. Does he?

I mean, look at him, he's gorgeous.

It's crazy, she's still looking at us.

Yeah.

Her face is just... She's just rubbing her face against the wall.

He's just a banana.

There's plenty of bananas in the sea, Mama.

Arnie, I don't know if you know this about Foon, but there's plenty of bananas in the sea.

And a lot of fish on land.

I apologize for that. Yeah.

I bet there are a lot of people.

Oh,

you're all having a great time with Mayor Banana. They wish he was, I guess.

Oh.

No.

Steven's going to ask the banana to move into his shoe?

No.

Wait, Momo! Momo, Momo, come back. Momo, come back.

No, no, Momo.

Momo. Momo.

Oh, this is what she wanted. Yes, Momo, I want you to know.
Attention for Momo? I hate it.

That's right, you dastardly Lithario.

As cute as you may be when you put on your pajamas at night, I shall no longer stand for your heartbreaking shenanigans. Chunt.

I'm tired of this Valanderer.

Volanderer. Volanderer.
Valanderer, yes.

He's a boney.

Mayor Manana, fuck off.

He's a fraud.

This is a banana.

I'm chucking. Wait, no.

I think you were about to kick the banana, but the person in the crowd was yelling to the banana to kick you. Oh.

There's at least

in food, banana kick you. In food kick.
In food, banana kick you.

Close enough.

We do need that back.

Ow!

Oh, no.

My eye. Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Assassins. Assassins.

Assassins. Assassins.
Assassins.

Assassins.

Assassins. My eye.

Orny, make yourself as big as possible.

Not better. Oh, he's better.
He's better. He's better.
I'm better. He's better.
I'm not.

It be known that in a moment of danger, Arnie didn't move at all.

I think I actively heard him fart.

Look,

100% truth, I got confused because I thought Joan said, Arnie, make yourself as wet as possible. And did you?

I mean, a a little, not as wet as possible. I mean, I was scared.
It could happen to anyone.

Wow. Stephen, are you okay?

Now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I missed this to her. Oh.

Oh,

throwing up a nag.

Now you have truly the best thing to say during two truths and a lie at the first day of work. Congratulations.
Well, well, well, assassins. We found the out.

We'll disguise ourselves as simple mittens fans.

What, what a nefarious disguise. Wow, I wouldn't expect that from someone with a baseball tee and a beret.

You know, you think if in a tavern you make a designated area for assassins, the assassins will stay in that area and not get closer to where they can kill people.

But also, Momo, how are you doing? Because,

you know, your ex, Mayor Monana, was really cozying up with the best hooker in town.

You know,

and Stephen and I talk about this. But because I am not the best hooker in the town.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a hooker in town.
Hey, hey, don't talk about my best friend like that.

You're the best hooker in town, Stephen. Thank you.

Thank you.

He's the best. I don't know what to say.
You know,

what do you say to something like that? You don't know what to say. Yeah,

when a whole tavern applauds you being a hooker, you just take that.

But the best hooker.

Before he works with someone new, he says, whatever you do, don't fall in love with me. And they never listen.
They never listen. They always fall in love with me.
I see.

I've always wondered, is your heart actually made out of gold? Me?

no Stephen yeah Chunt doesn't have a heart that's canon right yeah I had it removed

is my heart made out of gold yes Stephen Anonymous is your heart made out of gold yes and

hold on

yes yes and therefore it be malleable for gold is malleable and Stephen's heart cannot be broken oh but it can be bent so you may think you're falling in love, but consider Stephen's feelings for once.

Can I tell you about the time that Stephen laughed so hard?

He was with this guy named Richard Gere,

and he was giving Stephen a necklace.

And then Stephen went to go reach for the necklace, and he shut the little container shut, and then Stephen was like,

Momo, I have to say this. What? You, as a mouse,

don't go near anyone named named Richard Gere.

I don't.

It gives me only a little bit of pleasure to say that.

Wow. I got to write that one down and disseminate it all over the world.

And Arnie, we should be careful. We don't know who Stephen knows.
Yeah, we do. That's true.
That's Shoto.

That's right. Yeah, this is sort of what we're doing over here.
Yeah.

You must hear all sorts of rumors. I mean, of course, you write The Voice of the King and you write what you see and the lumberjacks, but you must hear all the best rumors.
But these

will be called stories out of food. Ooh, yes.

Yes. Wow.
And

I have to go home and make them up. But nonetheless,

there are plenty of stories that I will gather. And

Momo Momo

will be telling them in my shoe tonight.

Yes, she tells stories.

Have you had enough cheese?

You know what? A round of cheese for the whole bar place.

On Momo.

Momo's going to do a couple more shots of cheese, and I'm going to make up some stores. And he's going to write a little bit.

All right, so we don't really have enough money to have cheese,

normal cheese for everyone in the tavern, but

invisible servers are going to be bringing invisible cheese.

So please don't

condescend to these people. There's no cheese.
Oh, Yusidor, don't you know the cheese wizard?

Oh, that's the formal name. Oh, yes, I know the cheese whiz.
Yeah.

Of course.

Can you get me a cam and beer?

Oh.

I can't tell if Steven is making fun of us.

I mean, I hope so. Wouldn't you?

Oh, I have some emails here.

Of course, I have Arnie's phone from when he fell through the portal from another dimension, I guess.

Here's an email from Evan.

Are we going to talk about Chunt's feet? The fuck?

Chunt, what's going on with your feet? Guys, is everyone in the tavern tonight a pervert?

Why should today be any different than every other day? Wow.

Well, I got, I got, you know, I can, I'm a shapeshifter and I can change my feet at will into any sort of design, and I thought to honor Pizza Skull.

Yeah!

Happy!

yeah,

just thought to honor our friend Pete Sisko. Thank you for that question.
We also, or I don't know if the fuck is a question.

Oh, we have a question here from Samuel. They want to know, Stephen, how many buttholes do you have?

And Stephen, I want to be the first to say, I'm so sorry.

That's a very personal question.

Samuel, Samuel. Samuel.
Nine.

nine, hold nine buttholes. Eight wasn't enough.
The best hooker and go

that's our show. Thank you all so much.

Ah yes, the old climactic nine butthole reveal. Take my word for it, Severance is going to end the same way.
User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai. Stephen Anonymous, the King's Chronicler, was played by special guest Richard Kind.
That's kind, as in kind enough to do this show.

Momo the Mouse with Human Strength was played by Aaron Keefe.

Special thanks to San Francisco Sketchfest, especially Janet Varney, the staff at Club Fugazi, and everyone who attended the show, even the Assassins.

Holo from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons can add free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show and voting on the ongoing March Magic matchups, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Now, a not fun reminder: Apple's in-app purchase charge for Patreon subscriptions made through the Apple app have officially gone into effect. Yuck.

These do not affect current patrons, and new patrons can sidestep them by not signing up via the iOS App Store.

But moving forward, if you sign up for the Patreon via Apple, you'll be charged an additional 30% fee that goes straight to Apple, instead of where it should go.

Buying Chunt a less janky live show costume. Want a Magic Tavern 10th anniversary shirt? For the record, I don't know, maybe is a fair answer.

They're now available in the merch store at tpublic.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.