Season 5, Ep 47 - Ten Years (w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Gourley & Mark McConville)

People of Earth, the following podcast, having dragged on for 10 years, is not real.

Has it really been 10 years?

It feels like 500,000.

If I sound extra beleaguered, it's because I've been handed a note from Arnie to read about the show.

But I'm putting that off until after the episode.

For now, sit back, contemplate the last 10 years, and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Now in our 10th year.

Oh, actually,

Yusidor.

What?

What?

Could you do me a favor?

Could you cast a magical spell when I say now in our 10th year?

Could you give it like a magical tinkle that happens after it?

Why don't you give me a little bit of warning about these things?

Look, I just, as I was saying it, I was inspired.

You're telling me in real time during the show that I have to cast a spell?

Yeah, well, is that hard?

No, not at all.

We can't stop you from casting spells usually.

Oh, yes, I'm happy to do it.

Erottron Jabin.

Okay.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Now in our 10th year.

Ooh, that's nice.

I like that.

I like how that sounds.

You're welcome.

A weekly podcast from the Magical Tavern of Thunder.

Arnie.

John, sorry, small emergency.

Okay, because you're so small?

Um, yikes.

Um, doesn't feel great to hear.

Because you're a shapeshifter who's usually a badger, uh, welcome on board, new listeners starting at year 10.

Oh, I forgot we always get that anniversary influx.

People are like, 10 years, now's my time.

Should I mention the emergency, or should I just sort of swallow it down and keep going?

No, tell us, please.

I swallow the candle.

Oh, uh, uh, was it, was it a lit candle?

Is that where your tummy's glowing?

Yeah.

Okay.

I thought maybe you just had some care bear magic or something.

Some what?

It's just an earth thing.

It's like a nurse, a bear that's a nurse.

Look, you sidor, I hate to ask you this.

Could you do a magic spell to get the candle out of Chun's belly?

Sure.

Do you want me to bring it back up through his esophagus or just kind of out through the skin?

Could you just, like, make it go away?

Can I answer?

Oh, yeah.

No, let's just do it already.

No, I'm asking you.

I'm talking to Audi right now.

Yeah, that's fair.

Well, what's the choice?

If it has to be one of those two, I guess.

Up through the throat.

I mean, through the skin sounds bad.

Lango dango wingo ango fingo fango ee.

Thank you.

Much better.

Okay.

All right, guys, I'm going to start over.

do you want to keep the candle?

Well, we got to head out, right?

Let's, why don't we head to the door?

Um, because I know we need the candle for the night forest.

Oh, yeah.

Hold on to that.

I'll very quickly, just because it's such a special episode.

Oh, from the Magic Tavern.

Now in our 10th year.

A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years, exactly, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern The Wanderlost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good buds, who I just want to say 10 years in.

I love you both so much.

I love you, Chut the Talking Badger.

I love you.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I love you too, Ornie, cousin Arnie.

Oh, and I also love my other co-host, Usador the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trocas, the Elves know me as Fian Yalik, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Mazstar.

And I love you too, Ani.

Oh, thank you, buddy.

I love you both so much.

We really, sorry, the Night Forest, or the Night Woods, is there

sometimes called, once it hits a certain hour, it is impenetrable darkness that you can't return from mentally or physically.

So we really should hit the road not to be alarmist.

Oh, yeah.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

Look, this is a special episode.

I really appreciate that you guys have put in the work and got us big, big guests, the three castle kings.

And like,

it's, I feel like this is going to drive up our numbers.

And also, while we're there, we should pitch them on helping us defeat the wizards.

Yeah, perfect.

And Arnie, do you mind if we do, what do you, you always call it some earth term.

Exposition.

Aaron sorketing.

Aaron's sorketing.

Can we walk and talk?

Let's walk and talk.

Yes.

All right, everybody in the tavern.

You're in charge.

Don't steal anything.

We're going out.

Everyone's in charge.

You're in charge.

You're not all equally in charge, but you guys

within you decide who's, like, come up with a managerial system between you.

We shall most assuredly return to a bloodbath and chaos.

Oh, it is so dark and spooky out tonight.

Yes, it is dark and spooky here in these night woods.

But fortunately, once we speak to these kings, we'll move past the night woods into the L woods, and everything there is pink and bright and beautiful.

That's it.

Okay, we're looking for a brick castle.

Okay.

Uh, let's see, let's see, let's see.

Um, oh, I'm just I'm surprised you guys haven't mentioned it, since it's such a special occasion, I'm wearing this pink tuxedo.

Whoa, Arnie!

I just wanted to class it up a little bit, 10 years in.

Yeah.

Now that we're in our 10th year.

Ooh, that's that noise still goes off when I just say it otherwise, right?

Yeah, that's never gonna stop.

I stopped looking you head to toe, up and down, at probably anniversary eight, maybe?

And now I regret it.

You look, you look striking, my dude.

Thank you.

I'm not wearing shoes, though, so don't look all the way to the toes.

Oop, too late.

Why did you choose to not wear shoes?

I don't know.

I was like I've done enough.

Hmm.

All right.

Ooh.

Oh, fuck.

My nose.

Oh, my nose.

I ran straight into the castle.

Oh, that's the castle.

You ran.

It's a brick wall, yep.

Oh, fuck.

It's a brick wall, not house.

Yeah, that's good.

All right, I'll knock on this.

We'll use this giant knocker.

Nice.

I knew.

I knew that's what you were going to say.

Ten years.

We know each other.

Who goes there?

Oh, hello.

We're the host from Hello from the Magic Tavern, now in our 10th year.

We had talked about having you on our podcast and also maybe forging an alliance.

Allow me to open this little peaky door.

Hold on,

Arnie.

I think I think they expect to be addressed in a more formal manner than that.

Tis I, Usador, who's upon a great quest here with my two companions, and we seek thine boon companionship, so that you may join us in this great endeavor.

That's more like is.

Can you see?

You can only see the upper portion of my face through this little peaky hole.

it's a very small peaky hole beautiful eyes listen guys i'm not gonna lie to you i'm going to be level with you okay

i don't actually live here i'm only staying here because i built my castle of straw

and

it's really hard to build a house of straw much less a castle of straw

so i it got blown down long story and then i ran to my friend, the King of Sticks, and say,

it's different day.

And then I go, let's go to the Castle of Bricks.

He says, who builds a castle of bricks?

I said, someone with half a light on upstairs.

So let me just check with my friends and see if I can come in, all right?

Great, thank you, boys.

What is what is happening?

Mr.

King.

Please address me as Buproprian of Welbutron.

Buproprian of Welbutron, I am Usador, and I am here to ask thee for thine wondrous

wealth and power to join us in our endeavors.

Oh.

Well, you may as well come in.

Okay.

That's good.

As good an invite as you ever get from a king.

Let's shuffle it.

Yeah.

Your Majesties.

I'm so sorry.

First King, I didn't get your name.

He's talking to you.

Oh, yeah.

It's just recently I've changed it.

No.

What caused you to change your name?

Getting it my midlife crisis, right?

So I got a new car.

I got a new...

We call it a whip.

I got a new buggy and a new whip.

And I got a new baby.

And I got a new name.

Wait, is your cart, is your new cart the one with the shiny red horse attached to it?

And the apple horse, that's right.

Beautiful, isn't it something?

He feeds it candy apples, that's why it's so stout.

That's right.

Excuse me, I'm not well.

Oh, uh, well, uh, let me say that you look hale and hearty, and I hope that you will join us on our quest.

Uh, I know that they were asking you about the cart.

I was much more interested in the new baby.

Yeah,

new baby, like Austin Fowers.

Oh,

Oh, not a new newborn child.

A new lady love.

Although that is on the way, because when you get a new baby, you know.

Yes.

I'm not well.

Oh, gosh.

You see, he has acquired the powers of Austin, which giveth and taketh away.

Although he does have the power to attract new shiny horses and young women, it is depleting his health.

I was diagnosed with terminal illness about 84 years ago.

And this is his midlife crisis.

Any day now, right?

Very long-lived.

I'm just happy to be here after my house was just blown to smithereens.

But look, I don't run this place.

Old Proopsy does.

And we've got someone else here, another brother from another lover.

What's the calamity down there?

I'm trying to whittle.

King of sticks, tis I, Usador, the great blue wizard, and I have come seeking a boon from thee.

Derogatory, my name is Timothy, the forest king.

I'm Timothy the Eighth.

Okay.

So sorry.

Apologies.

So we should not call you King of Sticks.

That's a derogatory term.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I got you.

Just because I live in the forest doesn't mean I'm the king of sticks.

You are whittling, though, and you did build a castle out of sticks.

I of size led, understand.

Write what you know, wizard.

Will you please come downstairs?

Fine.

I forgot.

I haven't told you my name yet.

Afogato?

No.

Would you like one?

I would love an afogato.

Afogatas for all the people here.

Thank you, Jessup.

That's wonderful.

Our service name is Jessup.

My name, my new name, is Dancer.

Ooh, that's quite evocative.

Dancer.

It used to be richard dauncer and uh king dauncer if i may um

seeing as you were diagnosed 84 some years ago and this is your midlife crisis um are you enchanted are you some sort of um uh special creature what's what's going on enchanted that's right

you bet i am

hey sticks you want to see me do that trick with the coin i i don't think i can bear the smell all right we'll save it for later Hmm.

I'm intrigued, personally.

Show them the trick, then.

I already know how it goes.

You can't.

That's how tricks work.

Once I know the trick, it's stupid to do it again to me.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you this.

Just a little side.

Styx is a bit of a sick.

It's a bit of a hymn in the mud.

I just want to get back to my forest kingdom while they're rebuilding my castle out of styx.

Why would you have them rebuild it out of sticks after what happened?

It just fell over in the wind.

I'm lousy with straw, and I'm not having them build my castle with straw.

I'm having it built with hay.

That's straw.

What?

No, it's not.

You do you, Richard.

Ah, tell it to a horse's straw.

Now then, travellers, it is customary when one visits a king to bring some sort of gift.

Ah, indeed.

Yes.

The tribute we wish to pay to each of thee is this.

And we're not sharing one thing.

Right.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Of course not.

I wouldn't dream.

Take a bit of a pivot.

And it's not something we're supposed to grow into.

Right.

And they all have to be equal cash value.

And it better not be clothes.

Okay.

Well, King Timothy,

my gift to you is a new trick you've never seen before.

I'm interested.

Watch my hands.

Carefully now, watch, and I've got your nose.

Oh, God.

It's gone.

What's his hand smell like?

Yes, what does my hand smell like?

I can't smell anything.

Oh.

I see the nose upon his face, yet I see the nose also peeking out betwixt this wizard's fingers.

That's better than my coin.

And yet, but with a flick of my wrist, I return the nose to your face.

Oh.

That clearly King Riprion saw.

You have endeared yourself to me, wizard, and we will be friends forever.

Wonderful.

Any, it's your turn to give a gift.

Oh, sure.

King Dawncer, I just say Doncer, it's a one-name thing.

Oh.

The king is implied.

Okay.

The king is silent?

It's certainly not inferred.

This guy, if I wasn't staying in his place, I'd give him a real what-for.

Don sir.

This is my humble gift.

I since you're going through a midlife crisis, I drew you this picture of a sexy lady.

Let me take a look.

Sure.

All right.

It's not entirely

accurate anatomically.

I've only opened one of the trifolds.

Hold on.

Take it slow.

Nice eyes.

Nice belly.

Arnie, you did do a good job of folding it up in a way that the revealing of it is even more erotic than the actual nudity.

Oh my god, look at this.

This reminds me of my first love, Jelly.

Like, the spread?

No,

no, the wench.

Her name was Jelly.

Oh.

Because she used to spread.

Jam, don't shake like that.

No, she was known as Jelly because she used to spread.

You know,

it's dark, it's dirty, it's bright.

I don't really get it.

What?

What's up?

i'm not well any day now any minute any minute you're from you're from another generation you're 10 or 12 generations ago so your your behavior can be excused thank you i was a different time you were a different time yes you so

specifically yes i was wow yeah yeah and a dancer if you look you can also fold it's i know it's tri-folded but also if you fold it in the sides together uh this is what in my world we we would call this Mad Magazine rules.

So, like, you can make it so that the edges of the picture make a whole new surprising picture.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Her body disappears, and her arms connect into her legs, and it's two sausages.

It's not that best.

That's one of the best things.

This is the best gift I've ever gotten.

It's much better than the nose thing.

And

I just, I can't thank you enough.

Here, here's some straw.

Oh,

thank you.

Whoa, lucky.

I know, it's good.

Chant, do you have a gift for King Bupropion of Wellburton?

You creature, what have you brought for Buproprian?

Um, I brought you a gift, and I hope it's propropriate.

Um, it here's a here's a mozzarella wand.

Um, this is an appetizer where I come from, which is just kind of 200 feet that way.

Um, and and not just the mozzarella wand for you to feast upon, but also, I brought you a man from another dimension.

This is Arnie Nikamp.

Oh, I'm from another world.

Wait, does he own me now?

Wait,

so one mozzarella wand?

Mm-hmm.

No sauces.

And this fellow who's already here.

Well, when you repeat it back to me like that, I'm an asshole, sure.

But I think if you bite into the mozzarella wand, you're gonna like the way it tastes.

Just dry?

Fear not, Your Majesty.

I shall cast for you and conjure forth the most delicious sauce I can imagine.

Eroth Tralo Kala!

Tomato ketchup.

Whoa.

Let me try this.

It looks very appetizing.

Okay.

It's all right.

Let me try a thumb full of it.

Why is he putting on his thumb?

What's wrong with putting it on my thumb?

Hey, you do, you do you.

Yeah, you're from another generation.

That's my gift.

Let me take another peek at that drawn lady.

All right, fair's fair.

Look at that.

All right, not bad.

Now let me see the sausages again.

Okay,

and then look.

Look in her navel.

There's a miniature village in there.

I'm not trying to be petty or anything, but uh...

You got a drawing that turns into a different drawing.

You got some cheese.

I got this guy who waved his hand in front of my face, and I figured out what he did.

It was his thumb.

He just poked his thumb out between two of his fingers.

That wasn't taking my nose.

You mean I just put my nose in that ketchup?

Yes.

Also, we each brought you each

a giant diamond.

One for each of you.

Oh, shit.

We should have led with this.

You really buried the Lee.

I'll put this on the pile, shall I?

Let me get out my giant jeweler's loop.

Whoa.

This is a good gang.

He does this every time.

Wow, really looking at gift.

I'm in the facet, huh?

Guys, if you haven't figured it out, I'm the fun king.

Right?

I like to have a bit of fun.

Alright?

That's why they call me Dancer.

After the reindeer.

You're the only one who calls yourself that.

That's not true.

They called me that.

You won't call me that.

Oh, these three?

They just met you and you told them to call you that.

Richard.

I don't know why I can't get respect from you, Sticks.

Ah, that's one reason, right there.

Whatever quarrels may exist betwixt the three of you, let them be set aside for but a moment, for the exchanging of gifts has transpired, and now I come beseeching your help.

The wizards have gathered their power and are doing terrible things here in Fu.

Who?

The Wizards.

The Wizards are my former brethren.

They're like Spintax the Green and Genlevia the Red.

They've become terrible and powerful and hateful

as they amass land and power.

And I beseech you three kings to join us in an effort to overthrow their evil reign.

I don't know.

It's such a small percentage of people in the kingdom.

The wizards,

what percentage do they make up even?

Why are they a problem?

There's like one percent of the population is easily wizards, I would say.

It sounds small, but they're taking up more than their fair share of the resources.

Like, they're not.

I mean, I've been reading up on this, and it's more like the 1% of the 1%.

Oh, yes.

Well, we did write a song to try and convince you.

Why don't we sing you that song while we take a quick break, and we'll be right back with the three kings?

Oh, boy.

Can I dance to it?

Please.

Expect nothing less.

Arnie Isidor, I'm up here.

I'm down here.

I'm not participating.

We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know, we all have people in our lives we go to for advice.

A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

But when it comes to stuff like anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers.

Instead, get guidance from a credentialed therapist online with BetterHelp.

Therapy has been hugely beneficial for me in my life.

It's helped me better understand myself, have better perspective on my problems.

And if you've been thinking about therapy, I encourage you to do so.

And BetterHelp could be a great option.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

And it's completely online.

You can pause your subscription whenever you need to and switch therapists anytime at no extra cost.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash magic.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash magic.

Beseech you three.

That calico cat was working so much harder than the other two.

So many verses.

Can I have some water?

What do I look like, the king of the stream?

Get him some water, Twiggy.

I was pretty proud of rhyming compunction with destruction, even though it's a bit of a slant rhyme.

A bit.

Rhyme is so slant that it's fallen over.

Oh my god, you're gonna take my throne as the fun king.

Now then, these wizards.

We've had dealings with them before, of course.

Wizards do tend to travel around and

run into kings now and again, and I can't say that I care for them over much.

Oh.

Well, that's understandable.

Many of them, especially as of late, have become quite

reprehensible.

But know this.

Know that Usador, the wizard here before you, is humble to his

to your kingliness and to your majesty.

Yet you still have your hat on.

Oh,

I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, it's just that I didn't get a chance to comb my hair today, and I.

Actually, looking at your hair, put the hat back on.

Okay, would you have to go to the house?

You've got to do it.

You've got to put the hat on.

You're going to put your hat back on, actually.

I get you now, and I apologize.

Oh, no, my apologies.

King Walbutron of

King Guproprian of Welvutron.

Sorry.

You seem like such a wise king, and I feel like you...

You know, I feel calmed in your presence.

Like, you're reducing my anxiety and slightly dampening my appetite just being close to you.

How...

These wizards are...

Maybe they aren't attacking your kingdom right now, but eventually they're a threat to all of Foon.

Would you commit some amount of your forces and resources to joining our fight?

But

why

should I, if I have my own resources protecting me?

Should I not just sit in my bricked castle and wait until all of Foon is decimated by these wizards?

And then I can look out and say,

I'm good.

Oh, and then you'd be the king of everything, I suppose.

That's a good point, Ani.

I never thought of that.

Yeah, and in retrospect, it's a mistake to go to the king in the brick castle first.

Like, well, the other castles aren't standing anymore, are they?

We're working on it.

Ooh, ooh, ask me.

Ask me.

You take this one, Yusidor.

Dancer, would you be willing to commit your forces to the cause of defeating the wizards?

Hmm.

My brother in mistress ship, which is to say baby's brother, he's a wizard.

And I'd be breaking family connections if I did that.

So, I like the diamond.

I like the drawing.

What else is in it for old dancer, huh?

You know, I'll wet his beak a whittle bit.

Well, I don't want to cast aspersions, Your Majesty, but

you are kind of living at someone else's castle right now.

It's not a great look for a king.

I heard that.

And that wasn't a threat.

When he said cast aspersions, he's not gonna...

That's not a spell, right, Usidor?

No, no, not a spell.

Well, listen, when I asked what was in it for me, I didn't think I'd get a morality lesson.

Right?

No.

Well, I just thought it's an opportunity to reintroduce yourself to a foon in committing some great feat in overthrowing the wizards.

You would regain your former stature.

Oh, really?

Yes, of course.

And then there'd be celebrations and perhaps dancing.

Yes, so much dancing.

Did I forget to mention if we defeat the wizards, we're definitely having a dance party.

I'm any minute.

Any minute now.

Oh, he's laying down some cardboard.

What's going on?

What's he about to do?

Oh, this again.

Oh, what do you mean this again?

You guys, everybody, step back.

I'm about to...

Never gotten any better.

I'm about to get fucking incandescent.

Well, I have to tell you, three, this is going to look like it's hurting him.

He assures us it doesn't hurt.

Okay, here I go.

Oh, goddurs!

Oh my Christ!

Goddess is in heaven!

Oh, Jesus H.

May the goddesses save him!

Jesus H, earthly reference!

Christ!

He's sort of spitting on his head.

Okay,

he's not meaning to do that, by the way.

He's desperately trying to stand up.

Oh, he's breaking his own neck.

Help someone, help him.

And chess hands.

Oh,

very good.

Very, very, very nice.

What's so sad about that display is that he says in his kingdom he's a professor of dance.

I don't say it.

I am.

It's truth.

It's the gospel.

You're the king of your kingdom.

You could say you're a professor of whatever you want, and your dumb subjects would have to believe you.

Yeah, but then why do they all sign up for my classes then, Sticky?

Because they live in that hay hellhole out in the west.

There's nothing else to do.

He who lives in stick houses should not throw chainsaws.

Now, of course, Timothy, we must also ask you, as the king of the forest, would you be willing to commit your forces to helping to overthrow the terrible wizard uprising?

I don't know.

I mean, I gotta be honest with you.

It was about, I don't know, eight or ten years ago, I hired a wizard to go through the forest and make sure everything was growing properly, that there was no waste, that everything was being pollinated, and that the seeds were growing properly.

I gave him full authority to do whatever he wanted, to check up on the forest and make sure the kingdom was working the way it's supposed to be working without any forest waste.

And you can see how that turned out.

I mean, I, yeah, sure, my castle went over, fell over, and I have to live here with these two.

But otherwise, you know,

you know, he basically ran my kingdom for me.

So, everything's great.

Why don't we put this whole wizard thing on hold for a second?

What exactly did happen to your kingdoms?

Richard?

Uh, I don't know that name.

Dancer?

Thank you.

Now, what happened to your castle?

Uh, uh, you apparently had a beautiful castle made of straw, and uh.

Yeah, you know, I'm just putting this together right now.

There is this big bad wizard, right?

Yeah, and he comes first.

He comes to my castle, made of straw, made very soundly of straw, loam, mud, and pitch.

Oh, he's pulling down a paper curtain to do interpretive dance while he tells the story.

Alright, there's no other way to say it.

I mean, why even use it?

There are other ways to say it.

Why even use words when I can use moves?

When I can use these hips that God gave me.

I definitely don't want to watch this, but I'll cast a spell to backlight it.

Galief Lichtenkama.

Oh, that's artsy.

I like that.

I'm just a silhouette in aura.

Alright, it goes a little something like this.

A big bad wizard came to my straw castle and said, Let me in by the hair of my by the tip of my hatredy hat hat.

Okay.

Wow.

And I said, not by the way.

He said, let me in, let me in.

I says to him, of course, this doesn't sound good spoken, but as you can see, it's brilliant visual.

Beautiful eyes.

The way you're moving your body.

Oh, wow.

Look, the way he's dancing, the the way he's sort of undulating with his body, you can see that he's

the castle, the wizard, and himself all at the same time.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

And I says, not by the paw of my straw-y straw straw, right?

And he goes, what?

Between your accent and the lost in translation from the original wolf story, I don't know what you're talking about.

And so he just

cast a wind spell and he blew down my

castle of straw.

Oh, no.

Now step back because he ends it by pulling a rope, and then a bucket of water falls over him.

Don't blow it!

They're sitting in the splash zone because it's a surprise!

You can't come!

How many times must I tell you?

It's unethical to surprise people with a splash zone.

No, there's a certain amount of volume of water.

That's a fun little gimmick.

Anything over that...

is just it's an offense but i you must at least distribute ponchos your majesties we can resolve this right now let's do a quick poll if you're in the audience of a of an entertainment uh say a circus or a theatrical production how wet do you expect to get uh i would say uh if i'm 20 wet when i leave i'm fine

there's water world wet there's gallagher wet and there's sea world wet all right now i i don't want i'm gonna outdo him Alright, because you come into a dancer show, you expect a certain amount of spectacle.

Anyway, that's my story.

Take it over, sticky.

Well, I told you, I let the guy sort of assess how efficient my forest is, and then basically, same as Richard, but with sticks.

But I came to your place.

That's right.

He showed up.

This guy dances his way in.

All of the women in the forest, by the way, love

this guy.

They don't understand it.

I mean,

you've seen it.

I don't really get it.

But these women, I can't, they won't shut up about it.

They just on and on and on about look at the guy with his, you know, with the whole shadow thing or whatever he's doing.

Oh, but you got to get sticks.

I've got sticks to sharpen.

I've got axe handles to make.

Keep in mind, I'm not well and I'm still plowing all this trim, right?

That's really sad, Sophie.

Yeah, I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about my subjects like they're just, you know, faceless, warm bodies for you to do your pleasure business with.

Oh, God, I thought he was talking about yard work.

No, I wish he would do some yard work.

There's plenty of leaves that we got to get rid of.

Oh, I've been doing some yard work.

Arnie, I don't know if you heard earlier.

He's literally from his own time.

That's true.

Your Majesty, King Timothy,

you have your own charms.

Surely, there's a comely maiden who you've turned your eye to, to happily become your queen.

I've been there.

I've been married to my dead wife for 20 years now.

Oh, my God.

And he married her after she died.

Can you believe that shit?

It was more of a business transaction.

We had a lot of trees we had to incorporate into the forest.

Okay, okay, okay.

Wait, you married a dead woman for the fertilizer?

I gotta tell you, I didn't know she was dead, okay?

But I believe that marriage is forever.

And so,

you know,

read the fine print, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.

I don't even have the energy to walk over there and give you a fucking wedgie.

Oh, look.

One of Dancer's, uh, it seems like a soldier or some sort of guardsman is walking over.

Hey!

Hey!

He just smacked one of the forest kings guards.

Whoa.

It's good to be the king.

I made that up.

Can I ask, what is the relationship like between the three of you?

That if one of your castles gets destroyed, is it just kingly kindness that you let each other into your castles?

Or are you closer buds than your average monarchs?

It is

incumbent upon a king whose castle is still standing to welcome one who is in a weakened state

as a measure of grandiosity, of generosity, and also

it feels good to have a king come groveling.

Sure, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

It's true.

It's tradition.

Do you think I wanted to go stay at a little twiggy over here?

I don't want to live here.

I am trying my hardest to get out out of here, and my subjects are working around the clock to rebuild an exact replica of the wooden castle that fell down with the wind spell from that wizard who is big and also bad.

To me, it seems as if you spend your day looking at engravings and eating.

Oh.

Arrows fired.

Oh my god.

I am reading a wooden tablet.

Oh, was it made out of the wall from your castle?

What if it was?

Oh, all three are sending one of their darts to the middle, and they're all just smacking each other.

This must be how kings fight.

I guess so.

So, it's so great, though, that, like, you know, if one of you is in need, you have the kindness to open your doors to them.

Do you do you do that same sort of thing for your subjects if any of their houses are destroyed?

No, no.

Are you kidding me?

Imagine.

So, the people of your kingdoms, Dancer and King Timothy, where are they now?

They're back in your kingdoms, rebuilding.

I don't know.

That's the thing.

In my kingdom, nothing happened to their homes.

It was just my castle that fell down.

So they're out there in the woods, eating all the acorns they desire, doing whatever it is they want to do with birch bark and elm leavings.

Final-up question.

What?

That's life in the forest, baby.

Does elm do leavings like droppings from elm?

What would you know about it, Grassman?

Okay,

it's not grass.

All right, I'll admit I could watch this all day.

We don't allow our little servants, we only let them do physical roustabouts.

They don't get to bandy about with wit and words.

That's the provenance of a king.

Of course, that makes sense.

And dancing.

The problem with having subjects is that they're so often in need, and there's so much as a king you need to provide.

And so sometimes it's best to just throw up your hands and say, well, you'll get nothing like it.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

You get overwhelmed, you see.

It's so much.

Please, Your Majesty, give us food.

Please, Your Majesty, give us shelter.

And it's like anything else while I'm at it.

Please, Your Majesty, give us

love.

Give us passion.

Give us dancing.

That's what they say to me, all right, they do.

I really doubt they're saying that.

I just, I have to say it.

It's just not believable, old boy.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, it's sort of death by a thousand requests, it sounds like.

Yeah, exactly.

This guy gets it.

There's a lot of things that we disagree about, but one of the things that we do agree about is our subjects are so damn needy.

I disagree.

Oh, God.

Can we all collectively do a mental exercise?

Like, so now everyone close your eyes.

All right.

Okay.

Now.

Does this involve the coin?

Because last time I did this, there was a coin and it didn't smell good.

I haven't even told you what I did, but that's basically the gist of it.

It's instead of

smell my coin.

And you can figure it out.

It's so funny and something my subjects fucking go crazy for.

There's no way they do.

It's like, it's abusive.

No, it's great.

Here, smell my coin.

Chunt, Yusador.

I feel like our eyes are closed, but I don't think the king's eyes are closed.

Sorry, I didn't know you meant both eyes.

All right, God.

And you're talking to us?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Your majesty's funny.

Yeah.

Kings aren't used to taking commands.

Oh,

they're willing to turn a blind eye, but not willing to close their eyes on behalf of a regular human.

Your majesties, would you

be interested in joining me in a rival game?

Let me save you.

Let me save you some trouble.

The phrase you're looking for is,

I'd hereby humbly request.

Don't, don't, don't.

Okay.

Um, I hereby humbly request.

I'm listening.

Uh, nice.

We all close our eyes.

We'll do it.

Now, when you say we,

you see, that's a tricky phrase for us as kings.

Right, right.

Because that just means when I hear we, that means me.

Okay.

How do you talk about kings collectively then?

When I say we, you say me.

We.

We.

Oh, me.

I suppose the plural of we would be we's.

Yes, yes.

We humbly request that all of we's close our eyes together.

Hmm.

I shall consider it.

And.

Yes, I accede to your terms.

Okay.

Oh, excellent.

I gotta be honest with you, my eyes have been closed since the start of this thing.

Thank you.

When you first asked, so I have been.

Is it okay to keep them closed?

Of course, yes.

Whatever you want, Your Majesty.

And I'm so near-deaf that my eyes will remain open, but I am 100% legally blind.

Okay.

That works too.

You've been talking to that tapestry since we got here.

Oh, that's no accident.

That's my best friend, Chip.

So, so, Your Majesties, I humbly request that that in your kingly imaginations, you imagine what it's like when a king loses his home.

I don't have to imagine it.

I don't have to imagine it.

I'm actually, I did, that happened.

The wound is too fresh.

Now, take that feeling that a king feels and transpose it on,

like,

let's not say, let's say like a lord or a duke having that exact same uh like lo losing their uh castle can you imagine them have feeling the same things that you feel

can i imagine

this is very tricky because

I'm supposed to imagine how I would feel if something happened to me that could never happen to me.

But then also you're asking me to imagine how someone would feel if it did happen to them.

You're saying someone who does not have divine right or the blood of God flowing in his veins?

Excellent point, you're mad.

Progressive king.

Well, I think I see where Ani is going here.

Imagine this, then.

I don't know why we spent so much time closing our eyes, and we could just imagine things.

But I mean, it's better when you close your eyes, all right?

It doesn't.

Collectively, can you all agree?

It was kind of better when you closed your eyes.

I will admit it does happen.

I like it.

It's a a great equalization.

I like it.

Well, then keep your eyes closed.

I'll say, as we entered the castle, I did see a decree of rules, sort of framed in glass, and it said, you shall not imagine in front of the kings with your eyes open.

I think that makes them think that you're not engaged with what they're saying.

Oh, no.

Well, I noticed everyone still has their shoes on.

My apologies.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, Arnie came without shoes on already.

Imagine that you feel hungry.

You know what it's like to be hungry from time to time, and then someone brings you a feast and you enjoy that feast, of course, right?

I always enjoy a feast!

Excellent.

Now, imagine that no one brought a feast.

Imagine that no feast was e'er coming.

Do you mean even when I ring the bell?

And imagine there's no bell to ring.

Well, that really sent him.

No bell to ring, no feast arriving.

Oh, he's crashing out.

I feel despondent and sad.

He looked panicked for a moment.

When you said no bell, he actually looked over to make sure that his bell was still there.

I did.

I'm guilty.

I did look.

That's fair.

And that is why your constituency, your humble servants, those who live within your kingdom,

sometimes come to you asking for more because they have no bell to ring.

They have no feast.

That's why the rabble cries out?

Exactly.

I thought they were just doing it to make noise.

No, this is not a rabble of boredom, but rather a rabble of hunger.

You're sure they don't do it because they like doing it.

I mean, some of them.

Some of them like doing it, but they're also hungry.

You have given us much to think about, and when I say us, I mean me.

Of course, the Royal Us.

The Royal Us.

We should take a quick break while you can ponder these deep, meaningful epiphanies.

To the break!

Usidor.

I don't know how you did it, but I feel like you actually were able to teach the king some amount of empathy with your whole Nobel analogy.

Like, you should get some kind of prize for that.

Yes,

that's an excellent point.

It's much the way I was taught empathy.

Someone said, What if you're hungry, Usidor?

And I was like, Well, I just cast a spell.

And they said, What if you couldn't cast a spell?

And I was like, Get the hell out of here, and I turned them into a dog.

And Chunt, you're doing great too.

Love you, buddy.

Oh, thanks.

Your Majesties,

speak, speak, Your Majesties.

Now that you have learned

the power of empathy,

we beseech thee, will you use your great power and wealth to assist those beneath you who are so unable to protect themselves?

I will,

but

when I say that, I mean

just my kingdom,

just my humble rabble.

I never saw them that way before.

You have opened mine eyes.

I'm going to get a ratty cloak and walk around and see what they really think of me.

But I cannot help anyone else.

I've got to put my own mask on first, you understand?

Sure.

To walk around in the guise of a beggar.

Any ani, this is an idea for another podcast for us, Undercloak King.

That's pretty good.

Oh, yeah.

Like, he goes and he works in like a blacksmithery.

Yeah, and he's like, he's like, so what are we doing?

Like, what's what?

How much do we make?

And how much do we spend?

Isn't that super obvious about it?

And he's always kind of like, oh boy, what do you think of that king of ours, huh?

Where's that putty?

I have to make a big, crazy nose.

All right, all right.

I feel like I gotta go take the pulse of my kingdom as well.

I'm gonna put on an old ratty Unitard, a dancer's Unitard, but it's very threadbare and stretched.

And there's runs in the nylon in very strategic areas.

They look accidental, but what they really are is a sort of peek beyond the portal.

You know what I mean?

Dancer.

I have excellent news for you.

What's that?

You're ready to go.

Since you're legally blind,

you may not know that you've described exactly the attire you have on right now.

Mission accomplished.

Let me just, you just need a little juzh.

Let me grab off the wall here.

Just a little moss, and now you are totally mossy.

Oh my god, I've never felt better, and I'm not well.

Just let me know at the last minute.

When you need my decision and I'll give it to you.

All right, just the last thing you do, let these other two two people decide.

Sure.

And then come to me last, and I will give you my final verdict.

Of course, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

They're not just people.

They're kings.

Don't be rude.

A castle made of straw and a constituency of two cows and a pig.

Okay.

All right.

Don't make me challenge you to a dance-off, so better watch it.

King Timothy,

how shall you disguise yourself to learn more?

Well, the people of the forest are a little bit different than the grass folk and the stone throwers that have allowed me to stay in this castle.

We take care of ourselves and each other.

And so, I don't need to put on a fancy costume.

I'm only wearing this fern.

Oh.

And so, what I'd like to do is offer some support from the woodsy people that I rule over.

And we will give you 38 hemlock poles and all the aspen shavings you can eat.

And if that doesn't help your cause, I don't know what will.

I humbly request one last boon of you.

I thank thee for this great gift of leftover plant things.

Leavings.

Leavings.

And I but I humbly request one last thing.

Can you say Deborah for me?

Deborah.

Thank you.

Everybody loves Force Gig.

All right, so

if I'm hearing this right, WelPutrin, he's in.

Sticky, he's more or less in.

But for a

kingship treaty to be ratified, it's got to be all free.

It's got to be unanimous.

You understand?

I didn't realize.

You also heard wrong.

None of us are in.

Not really.

I mean, I'm going to give them a bunch of stuff that I have sort of like left over from when my castle fell down.

Oh, and hopefully they'll just go away.

I just specifically said I'm going to take care of my own people.

I heard it differently.

I see.

But nothing beyond that.

It's only five people.

Let me put it this way.

Well, Putrin, he's out.

He was never in.

Nobody thought he was.

Old Sticky.

Right.

But me.

Old Dancer.

Dancer's got your back.

Dancer's gonna help you out.

I'm gonna pledge everything

I've got.

An army, food, resources, munitions, materiel, and...

Oh, no, well, oh, this is it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no.

Can we get that in writing real quick?

No, he.

I think.

No, he's definitely dead.

He's dead.

Damn it.

He did the splits.

He's dead.

He died in the splits.

Would that be...

Would that be considered a verbal contract?

I'm not as familiar.

No, kings lie lie all the time.

Oh, shit.

Yes, they're well-known liars.

You would have to get something with

a signature inked on it and a wax seal.

Yes, it's a whole thing.

A bird has to approve it.

That's the only way it's official.

But on the bright side, you have those wood shavings.

We do have those wood shavings.

They're delicious.

I suppose if we're going to pot a plant and we need something

to put around

the edge of the potted plant, we'll should be in good shape.

I thank thee,

Your Majesties, all three,

both of you.

Are you leaving without taking all the hemlock poles that I'm supplying you?

Chunt, that's up to you.

Do you want those or not?

I'll grab whatever can fit in my pocket.

They're pretty long, these poles.

The poles are pretty long, Chunt.

It's not really fitting in my pocket.

I'll take one as a walking stick.

Should we, um, should we at least attempt CPR?

Or...

No,

I wouldn't.

Did you see how old he was?

He's older than me, and I'm fucking ancient.

If you'd like to put your lips on those lips, be my guest, but couldn't be me.

I know a few ladies who wouldn't mind it.

Oh, God.

Throws of death.

Throats of death.

Well, wait a minute, see?

That was his death innuendo.

No, wizard, don't smell the coin.

Oh, oh,

it worked.

It worked.

Brave trio, I regret that I cannot assist you, but before you go, I would like to bestow upon you this gift of

one

brick.

Huh.

Use it as you would.

Wow.

Thank you, my leader.

Will you excuse me for just one moment?

Grammar sees your majesty.

Chunt Usidor.

Yes.

I'm not as familiar with these kings, so I can't really tell.

Are they just shitty kings?

Like, do they just not have a lot to contribute, or are they just dicking us around?

I can't really tell which it is.

I'd say we're doing pretty well.

We got a brick and some uh and some hemlock poles.

I, when you're talking to kings, usually they're like, off with their head or uh throw them in the dungeon, and we didn't get any of that.

I guess that's true.

Our lives have not been threatened.

Yes, not once.

Not to mention, we got a dance performance that I'll never forget.

That's true.

It's a pretty good brick, not one with the holes.

Yeah,

yes, solid brick.

Uh, it's very good.

Uh, we're we're very, we're very grateful for this brick, and we shall put it to the greatest of use.

Maybe you could find a way to combine it with the poles or the shavings that I've given you, and that you could really get something going.

Yes, once I attach this brick to the end of one of these hemlock poles, I shall most assuredly smash in the skulls of my enemies.

Those wizards are fucked.

Yeah, got a little knockout stick.

Thanks.

Yeah, wow.

Um, who?

Uh, uh, uh, King Welbutrin, well, well, meaning King Eupropreon of Welbutrin, yeah, as you, uh, uh, same.

Um, King, have you ever noticed some people know you by Eupropreon and some people know you by Welbutrin?

Just, do you have you ever noticed that before?

There are also those who refer to me as Chantix, but that's another person.

King, you mentioned you have uh only five subjects, is that correct?

Yes, the rebel.

Could you name him?

Sure.

Um,

Ooh, what's the tall one's name?

It's not good what he struggles with.

The first one.

Stephen.

I think his wife's name is

Reggie.

Okay.

Her name is Rachel.

She's a nice lady.

If you say so.

That's two.

Then they have a little one that looks like Stephen.

His name goes...

Little Stephen.

Three.

He wears a scarf around his head always.

So, so far, it's a married couple and their kids.

I suspect he's bald.

And he wears the scarf to disguise it.

Yes.

King, do you rule over just

one family?

Well, now, hold on.

I haven't named the other two subjects.

Okay.

My bad, my bad.

There's a little Reggie one.

What is her name?

Let's call her Dolores.

And then.

it is Dolores.

Are you talking about Rachel?

There we go.

I named it.

And then finally, the smallest

member of my kingdom is a little brown guy.

Sounds like a dog.

Not much in the way of clothing, just a sort of collar with studs on it, so he may be into some kinky stuff.

Very hairy.

Doesn't speak English.

Okay.

So his name, and his name is like Spot or Rover or something.

Champ biscuit.

Biscuit.

Champ Biscuit.

That's a good boy.

Sounds like a good boy.

Kinky boy, good boy.

He's a good kinky boy.

Well,

it sounds like we've come to the worst possible kingdom

in the worst possible timeline.

So we shall be on our way.

No offense, of course.

No offense.

No offense, of course.

None taken?

You know what?

I'm getting tired of groveling to kings.

I expected our system of monarchy to protect us from the wizards, and I guess we shouldn't, like, turn away any support.

Any support is something, but I'm just getting tired of it.

I'm honestly, fuck you, kings.

Hugo, Arnie, you go, Arnie, you kings.

Whoa.

I'm glad I'm dead.

Did everyone just hear that in their heads?

Yes.

He does that.

It's part of the coin trick.

Well, this is how it is, isn't it?

You always end up eating your own.

Things, you want things things to be exactly as you want them to be.

You're waiting for some perfect little miracle.

Well, that's not how life works.

Very well, then.

I'm sorry we didn't pass your purity test.

One of us didn't even survive it.

Hey.

Was it our fault?

He was very old.

He's not well.

He wasn't well and he continues not to be well.

I'm the most not well you can ever be.

Well, well fine.

That's that's that's good.

That's grand.

We uh we're not even gonna ask you We had another issue, which was we have this baby, and I think I'm the rightful parent, and Arnie thinks he's the rightful parent, and we don't know what to do in that situation.

Any insight there, tough guys?

Hmm.

Let me see.

Let me see that baby.

Don't take it.

Let me have it.

Don't give it to Dad, sir.

Wait, we started with two regular people fighting over a baby, and now we have two kings fighting over a baby.

I'll take the baby.

Give it to me.

I'll handle it.

I asked first.

Give me the baby.

I got it.

It's a a baby potato, I should say, or it's a baby.

What is your name, the pink one with no shoes?

Oh, that Arnie.

I'm from another world.

Arnie.

You.

Yeah.

Are not the father.

Okay.

Look at him dance.

Wait, why am I so?

I guess I'm just happy for my friend.

Thank you for resolving this terrible dilemma for us.

We shall be on our way, and

should the forces of the wizards eer arrive at your kingdom,

King Buproprian of Welbutron,

I hope that you defend your five

subjects to the best of your ability.

And King Timothy, I know that you have a good relationship with your subjects, and I hope that you do everything you can to protect them as well.

If you cannot help us in this greater cause, I wish you all to be safe.

And please, please, check on the Straw Kingdom.

Maybe, like, take them in in or just burn it down.

I don't know.

Do I like that second one?

Yeah, it seems like that's kind of a lost cause anyway, so I don't know if you're going to really help them or not.

Well,

we appreciate your words of warning, and now don't let the drawbridge hit you in the ass on the way out.

That's worth coming back for.

Bye!

Bye.

Bye.

Well, you said Archon, I felt like that could have gone better.

I'm sorry I sort of snapped and started saying fuck you to all those kings.

No, it was frustrating.

They seemed to not

care about anybody but themselves.

Am I crazy?

Right?

At least they didn't have us killed.

Yeah.

Didn't threaten to shackle us or behead us or anything.

I thought that went great.

Oh, wait.

Oh, shit.

I forgot.

We did all the stuff about the wizards, but I forgot I was going to ask them if each of them would do some promo read about it being our 10th anniversary.

I think I could sneak.

Any, let's go.

Let's just go.

Are you sure?

Let's just go.

Yes, I'm sure.

Let's just go.

I mean, it would be pretty great if we had like a King.

Hey, this is King Buproprian of Welbutron.

And happy 10th anniversary to

the magic tap.

No, no.

The odds of anyone hearing anything after King Welbutrin said the drawbridge is going to hit you on the ass on the way out, we're going to cut all this.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, actually, you saw, will you give me that the pole with the brick attached to it?

There you go.

Thank you.

And go back to the castle, find the cornerstone, and give that a good

castle.

Oh, yeah, shit.

We are.

We are one.

I don't feel thing.

Well, guys, happy 10 years.

Did I fuck up that anniversary episode by yelling at those kings?

No, certainly not.

Not at all.

Happy 10 years to you as well, Arnie.

I think we just picked the wrong kings.

Yeah.

Yes, these kings

were somewhat

lackluster, somewhat sub-par, I would say.

Some of the most embarrassing and pathetic kings I've ever known.

Frankly, I hope they're never on the show again.

Well,

I'd have them back on, I guess.

Or maybe

people with a similar vibe.

Maybe not them.

Maybe three guests that have a sort of similar vibe.

Yeah.

Well, happy 10th anniversary to both of you.

I love you, Arnie.

I love you, Chunt.

Oh, I love you, Yusidor.

I love love you, Arnie.

I couldn't be happier to be continuing to fight the forces of evil with the two of you at my side.

Same, and actually, I got you.

I didn't want.

I bought it for the kings, but I was holding it for you guys.

I actually got you guys a gift.

Here's some myrrh.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I got you some gold.

Yeah, it's gold for both of you.

Wow, that's way nicer than myrrh.

Thank you.

I got you guys both these books by Al Franken.

Oh.

Um.

okay

these books make a lot of sense

okay

i bought them used there are a lot of them in the used bookstore um oh yeah

yeah cool cool yeah i'll read i'll i'll i look forward to reading that yeah and you know what guys we can celebrate our 10th anniversary all year long ah damn that's true It's a year-long celebration that shall ne'er end.

No, wait, Chun said damn.

Well,

you said after handing us the Al Franken book, you said you can sell, and then you said Brayt.

And I thought you were going to say we could sell the books because well, also, you can sell the books.

Oh, thank you, Ortie.

That's the best gift you could give me.

Yeah, although I will say those books are signed inside with a really nice note from whoever previously owned those books to people in their lives, but not from me.

But yeah.

Let me see here.

Hey, buddy, so proud of you.

Keep up the good work and keep chopping broccoli from Dana Carvey.

Cool, mine says the same thing.

Wait a second, I got it.

I have a whole box of these, these are all signed by Dana Carvey for some reason.

Why would he do that?

I don't know.

But this guy is chopping broccoli.

He's chopping broccoli.

He's chopping broccoli.

Well, let us celebrate the entire year.

May the skies alight with fireworks and let all of our wonderful listeners yell out their salutations and celebrations to us.

All right, I'll talk to you both next week.

Yeah, thanks, Abby.

I'll see you guys later.

But I love you.

Love you.

Love you guys.

Happy birthday.

Happy 10-year-term 10 year.

Happy 10-year.

Happy 10-year.

I love our friendship now in its 10th year.

Chapter 1.

You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, Arnie likes you.

Ooh, I might actually read this.

I can think of no better way for the 10th year anniversary episode of a podcast to end than with a proud testimonial to the joys of reading.

Don't worry, I'm holding off on that note from Arnie until the last possible moment.

User Or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Donser, the King of Straw, was played by Matt Gourley.

Bupropion of Wellbutrin, the King of Bricks, was played by Paul F.

Tompkins.

Timothy, the King of Sticks, was played by Mark McConville.

When asked for a plug, Mark said, I'd like to plug going outside, walking around, and getting some fresh air.

And they say virtue signaling is a lost art.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode where Arnie, Chunt, and Usador encounter a joke of the day calendar.

About it.

Love puns.

Love puns.

All right.

So let's, I would like to hear like what you guys think of this.

And also, you know, off mic, you guys are really fun.

Like we hang out and we joke around.

Like I know you guys have a sense of humor that isn't really represented on the podcast.

Sure.

So maybe you can help.

Like, maybe we can see if we can come up with jokes that are as good as the ones in this calendar.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, that sounds fun.

And Arnie, I am taking notes just because I want to be studious about this.

Did you say it's joke of the day or joke O the day?

What are the two options?

Was it joke of the day or joke O the day?

Like, O apostrophe.

F or apostrophe.

Are your options?

Well,

who really got hung up on this layup?

Didn't think this would be this difficult.

Well, let's bring the episode to a halt to figure this out.

Huh.

Guys, this is what happens when I try to do comedy.

Sure.

And where it goes from there, pretty much everyone can predict.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Hmm, that's all the credits.

Well, like a DMV vision exam, I've put this off as long as I possibly can.

Here's the unedited message that Arnie wrote and asked me to read on his behalf.

Hello, this is Arnie from Earth, the real one.

Thank you so much for listening to at least this episode and hopefully more.

It's hard to know how to properly commemorate 10 years.

So, we just did a regular episode with returning guests that we love and admire.

And we reserve the right to continue to celebrate the 10-year anniversary for at least the next few months until we forget to keep doing it.

We have a lot of fun stuff already recorded and fun stuff planned.

Thank you to everyone who listens to the show, who tell friends to listen, or post about us on message boards, or whatever social media platform you can stomach these days.

Thank you to everyone that supports or has supported the Patreon, which is the main reason, besides our personal passion, why the show is still able to exist at all.

I want to thank everyone who works on the show or has worked on the show.

Every name in the credits of every episode represents a person who has put an incredible amount of work and love into this very silly show.

This may be weird, but I also want to thank the show itself.

It continues to mean an awful lot to me.

We frequently get emails from listeners who have been going through hard things, losing loved ones, losing jobs, feeling scared or unloved.

We get far more emails from people asking about Chunt's buttholes, but still.

It's a significant number of emails telling us that the show has helped them get through something.

And I want to acknowledge that the show frequently does the same thing for me.

It helps me through.

Every time a guest comes back, I am so sincerely happy to see my friends again.

And when I say my friends, I mean my real friends playing the characters, and I also mean my friends, the characters they play, who are just as real to me.

I'm sure it's not healthy to have a parasocial relationship with my own podcast, but it is what it is.

To me, Arnie Niekamp, who I remind you is now writing this, the show is absolutely not real.

But at the same time, it absolutely is real.

I hold both in my heart.

And not sometimes one, sometimes the other, but I was both together at the same time.

To me, that's the point.

To me, that's the magic.

Finally, I want to thank someone who almost never gets mentioned in these credits.

Ugh.

Tim Sniffin.

He is a joy to collaborate with, has been here since the beginning, and he is not so secretly the funniest part of every episode.

And I will never forgive him for that.

But I am pleased with myself that I wrote this way too long, way too sincere script that I'm sure is paining him greatly to read.

And in the end, that's what it's all about.

Thanks again.

Let's all meet back here again next week.

Sincerely, RobotArny.

So concludes the note.

I'd like to add one thing.

In the past, I've only been able to mentally disassociate for short bursts at a time.

So willfully losing consciousness for however long that was, taking a guess I'm going to say four and a half hours, is a real personal best.

And that's something we can all celebrate.

Happy 10th, everyone!