Season 5, Ep 46 - Dripfang's Apprentice (w/ Kevin Sciretta & Carisa Barreca)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Before the disappointment begins, I've been tasked with sharing that if you'd prefer to watch a video of this episode being recorded in studio, such a video of the entire recording session is on the Magic Tavern YouTube page.

We have a YouTube page, and yet my requests for a popcorn machine are continually unheeded.

Anyway, go to youtube.com/slash at hello from the magic tavern.

This is the first non-live show episode recorded in person since early 2020.

So you could even watch just to see our hosts try and recall how human interaction works.

Spoiler, they never quite get there.

But don't take a framing device's word for it.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years,

11 months, and many weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wanderlost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Sorry, already, today I'm not Chunt.

As you can see, Usidor and I have bonded.

We are one form.

We are Chusidor.

Oh, you guys have a cute couple name, or you bonded into one entity?

Well, I think it's pretty obvious if you look at us.

Black and blue?

I'm

mostly like just looking.

I'm looking at something interesting over on the other side of the tavern.

So I'm not.

He got us.

Damn.

Nuts.

No.

I thought for sure that that was going to fool you if we had a wizard robe with an extra head hole, and then I just put Shunton there and just be popped right out.

I mean, look, it's adorable.

It's adorable.

I even gave him a little wizard hat that's black and white.

Doff my cap to you, good sir.

I know, but here's the thing.

Not a great time to be pretending to be a wizard.

Oh, that's good point.

People are not happy with wizards.

Rightfully so.

Oh, should I be in a disguise?

I mean, it might not be a bad idea for you to stop lording around that you're a wizard, because people are not fans.

I love lording things around, though.

You do.

It's one of your main hobbies.

What would you say are your like top four hobbies?

Ooh.

Ooh, lording, conjuring.

Conjuring.

Smelting for

you know,

reading, taking some time for myself to recharge.

Wait, I don't think those numbers really matched the list.

Guys, sorry, I'm counting.

You're telling a story around me.

So sorry.

So sorry.

You're practicing your counting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Didn't mean to interrupt there.

Chad, what are your top five hobbies?

Ooh, number one with an arrow would be pissing about.

Okay.

One.

Wandering loosely.

Okay.

Two.

Foraging for fun.

Okay.

Kissing my cousin.

Four.

And sleeping for days.

Sleeping for days?

Are you okay?

Oh, you've never?

You must.

You simply must.

I simply must.

Sleep for days.

I mean, I have, but

I guess I don't tell people about it.

Arnie, I feel a little bit of shame when I sleep for days.

Oh, buddy.

You shouldn't feel shame for that.

Okay.

For other things, of course, but not for that.

Arnie, the question you asked me, but to you.

Which is...

I forgot what you said.

Oh, fuck.

Well,

what are you talking about?

Oh, my favorite things to do.

Top five favorite things to do.

Number one, podcasting.

Number two, hanging out in a tavern.

Do I have to number them if he's numbering them?

I don't know.

No.

Number three, exposition.

Ooh.

Three.

Number four,

ad breaks.

Number five,

math five.

Can I point out something that you started this podcast and introduced Chunt, and you were clearly not even looking at this?

Yeah, no.

Guys, we've been doing this for almost 10 years.

Like, we're a week or so away from our 10-year anniversary.

We are well-oiled machined.

I could, like, do this with my eyes closed.

And in fact, I am going to do this episode with my eyes closed.

Whoa, he's really doing it.

Yes, listeners, I know you just have to take my word for it.

I am really closing my eyes.

You're the hero we deserve.

Thank you.

And you guys have to keep me honest on this right sure if you see me peeking you gotta say uh absolutely i in fact i shall cast uh a peeking spell yes ere one eyelid doth begin to open i shall know immediately

oh whoops yeah you cast peeking duck um oh delicious uh nope guys don't pick it me

up my skin is not up for grips please oh chuck that's you i'm so sorry oh i'm so sorry Also, if you notice me peeking audio-wise, let me know about that too.

Absolutely.

Because this is a professional podcast.

Um, I guess I never introduced you.

I am also joined by my co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos,

Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakis.

The Elves know me as Fian Yalik.

The dwarves know me as Zonan and Hook Stanges.

What?

What?

Oh, no.

Door thunder kick smash.

Right this way, right this way, right this way.

Excuse me, sorry.

Coming through.

One way, please.

Oh, a bouncer.

Here's my ID.

Fuck off.

Oh, sorry.

It's me.

Professor Scraps.

The dog?

Nope.

Wrong.

Absolutely fucking lying sack of shit.

Okay.

Not a dog.

This man

wizard thing

is not.

Look at him.

I'm looking at him.

He's not a dog.

That isn't a dog.

Uh-oh.

He's not a dog.

I almost got away with it.

You know what he else he isn't?

Tell me, liege.

A fucking ghost.

You're not a fucking ghost.

Well,

well,

well, Arnie.

If I want a ghost, could I put my hand through my own arm like this?

You're putting your hand through a hole that you put in your robe for some reason.

Damn it.

And I don't know why it's there, because I wasn't here for that part.

It's my bird hole.

Both, timeout, timeout.

Sorry.

Arnie, you're peeking.

No, I'm not.

I just feel like I'm missing all kinds of great physical, visual humor.

I am establishing the fact that this person in this blue hat, Lucidor, is in fact a liar.

Why are his eyes closed?

My eyes are closed, but I'll know.

I'd know that voice anywhere.

Vincent Price.

Who's he?

The sexiest other person you've ever met?

Close to.

Oh, wait, no.

No, I'm so sorry.

I was wrong.

I'd know that voice anywhere.

Snagglepuss.

Ooh, who's he?

A fun

murderer, even?

Probably someone very handsome, my leash.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait, no, it's Drip Fang.

Honestly, my arch nemesis.

Yes, open your eyes, and behold, I have returned to your stupid lives.

Behold him.

Barney, I think you should open your eyes for the podcast just because...

Oh, shit.

I don't think I can stay.

I think I should exit.

Stay left.

Don't

even right even.

Even.

If you left right now, I couldn't Hannah Barbara it.

Because I have been living with the fact that I thought you were dead all this time, and then I had to stake this

locator stone and follow you all around Foon's creation.

And then this a tavern moves.

The tavern moves around.

Well, I know that now.

Yes, that's why that was probably really difficult for you.

Very upset, very angry the whole trip.

We had to climb a leg.

A leg all the way up.

It took a while.

It took a while to get all the way up the leg because the leg kept moving and kicking us out and we'd have to swing back on a vine and then come all the way up here.

And then I want to get to the door, there's a cover which which I stole from.

So we made a little money on this show.

Very good, my liege, my lord.

I love it.

And I just want to remind you, this is an unpaid internship.

What you're doing.

I know.

I know.

I'll hold on to this.

This money's in escrow for you.

Trip Fang, pardon me for interrupting.

I know you want to take your exact your revenge upon me, but who's your friend?

Oh.

Wonderful that you should ask.

Thank you for noticing.

Hey, can we meet your escrow?

Yes, this is escrow, and I've been stuffing money in it this whole time.

Can you stuff the rest of this money in escrow?

Oh, not the end I thought.

No, it never is.

This, you might be wondering, is my apprentice.

Oh,

and in a

sorry, Arnie.

You gotta roll the R.

You gotta roll the R.

Apprentice.

Apprentice.

Everybody do it.

Everybody in the tavern do it.

Apprentice.

That guy's not fucking doing it.

Do it, you nice.

Roll your R.

Never mind.

I'll kick him.

An evil apprentice.

Very good.

This, my charge, is Anastasia's spin-off.

A pleasure.

A dark pleasure.

From the northern spin-offs?

Oh, so you know them.

Fantastic.

Wow.

Yes.

Do you want to tell how we met, or should we both talk about how we met?

At the same time?

Same time.

At the same time.

One, two, three.

Bird glory.

I was wow.

Yes, I was robbing.

Burglary.

At first, I thought it was bird-related.

But then it's bird glue.

Burglue.

But we do have an escrow with us, which we keep money, mostly for property tax.

Sure.

But I was burgling where Anastasia was in my travels to find Usidor because I fucking hate you and I'm still mad at you.

And I'm mad at both of you, too.

Well, I'm mad at you.

You stopped me.

I don't think we've ever...

And I hate.

I feel a little bit like a third nemesis because I know you two have a whole nemesis nemesis thing going.

But we respect each other.

We respect the hell out.

A huge amount of respect.

Huge amount of respect.

You're my nemesis that I don't respect because you stabbed me with a sword.

Arnie.

And see, I'm your nemesis as well because the fact that you don't respect me doesn't bother me at all.

And it should.

I mean, your nemesis, if your nemesis doesn't respect you, it should bug you a little bit.

That's why he's the best.

That's why he's the best.

Everybody knows it.

My greatest weakness.

Caring too much.

Arnie, he just burnt your ass to the ground.

Oh, Oh, Drippin, can I ask?

Please, why don't you ever say Rni?

Very great.

It's a great question.

When in the villainy game you adopt an apprentice, you apprent the

R so that the paperwork that we filled out to know that she is going to be in the evil section of the apprentice program will be recognized.

If I say regular apprentice, then that would invalidate, and then she would become either a locksmith or like a scrivener,

Something that could be interpreted as authentically good.

No, thanks.

Yeah, not the most important thing about what you said, but.

What's a scrivener?

Great.

Fuck you, Isidore.

I almost called you Audrey, and I don't know why.

No, no, you don't.

You do, because you're not.

Kind of like an Audrey.

You do seem like an Audrey.

I look like an Audrey.

Well, sometimes I know when I'm ordering food, you'll say, feed me, and I'll go, huh?

And you'll go, feed me, and I go, get your own fucking food.

Yes, and my life has been a shop of horrors since I thought you fucking died, and not a little.

A little shop of horrors.

Well, you might think, but

what the hell did you ask me before I went off on that?

What's a scrivener?

Yeah,

I've already lost interest, but please answer anyway.

What is a scrivener?

Good bird.

Okay, so I went to school with a guy named Bartleby.

And

he told me that he was a scrivener.

And I said, what?

Deep cut.

Yeah, tell me.

Yes.

Oh, this will.

If you guys are still doing that stupid show that you do, this will have them rolling in.

Get ready for the classics majors to start signing up.

I asked him what a scrivener is.

He could tell me, and he said,

I'd rather not.

I'd rather not do that.

And he kept saying that, and he kept saying that.

Eventually, I just got so fucking bored, I left.

And I think he got a job in something Dickensian.

I see.

I think those are all the known details about Bartleby the Scribner.

Yes, it's a short amount of details.

Thank God.

Anyway, Usidor, what the fuck is your problem?

Now here,

apprentice, what you should know is I'm addressing three of my rivals, one of which is a tertiary nemesis.

Another one, I've held a knife to your fucking head.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was fun.

That was so fun.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, for sure.

But I'm a bit of an artful Dodger, and I kind of got out of the way.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah,

you put an Oliver twist on the situation.

And you,

you Christmas Carol son of a bitch.

Wow.

This is my primary nemesis.

All right, I'm going to kick him.

Yes.

Oh, ow.

Take some money out of the escrow.

You know what?

Anastasia?

Anastasia, was it?

That was me.

Can I just say, Chunt, by the way, that was an amazing kick.

You're doing amazing.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

I never get positive feedback, and this really is something special for me.

I mean, I don't expect it.

I don't expect positive feedback.

As an aspiring villain, you wouldn't expect positive feedback.

You would expect negative feedback.

And I get a lot of it.

I bet.

I'm just,

you follow the playbook.

You want to create, as a villain, a broken person that takes that out on other people.

I know you're very angry at me, Debra.

I hate you.

Can we put that aside for a moment?

Oh, that's fair.

That's fair.

I hate you.

I just want to say, I am so proud of you for thinking of the future generation of villains.

Okay, and that's positive feedback.

Positive feedback.

And see how that felt gross?

It felt gross to you.

Yeah.

You shivered just a little bit.

Yeah, the skin.

It cuts snakes under my skin, sorry.

I think

not enough people devote the time it takes to build up the next generation.

Think not only of themselves,

but of the future.

This is why now I hate him too.

Look at his face.

Ow!

Got him again!

I'm gonna start sticking him with pins when he least expects it.

See,

I didn't expect it as soon as you said it.

I had one right ready.

Good work.

I mean, bad work.

That's what I expect.

You are the reason that I even adopted an apprentice.

A pep.

Apprentice.

Sorry about that.

Because I needed someone to help me on these travels so that I could fucking find you.

I went into a complete tailspin.

My whole life was ruined because people thought that I was like going around, that I was like a savior of food.

Yeah.

My whole shit got fucked up.

That's true.

I suppose I can be blamed somewhat for that, since it was I who did actually kill the Dark Lord, but credit was given to thee, and

I didn't do anything to rectify that, and I suppose I should have.

Pinstick.

So what you're saying, Dripfang, it sounds like to me, is that you're a little bit on the decline, so you've decided to take on an apprentice.

Apprentice.

Apprentice.

Perfect.

There's no...

Thank you.

There's no decline.

There's no...

Also, what's good to eat here?

I'm starved.

Oh, let me order something for the entire bar while we take a quick break.

Before we go, though, I just want to say to you...

Don't mess with me, Drip Fang.

I'm a mean blue mother from a Phi CS and I'm mad.

also as the owner of this tavern i should let you know none of the food is good you own this place

i do i do own this place you defined this place i saw it on a like a skid's row also also why am i delaying my third favorite thing ad break

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And see, Anastasia, what you want to do is while people are focused on the shitty food that is in front of you, is reach onto where they keep their things and just take whatever you want.

This is all shit.

I don't want any of that.

Okay, old food.

What?

You ordered the shit.

Well, I thought it was an acronym.

And not a description of the quality of food that I was going to have.

Well, to be fair, it is an acronym.

It stands for shit.

Okay.

Hello.

Oh.

I told you not to order the shit.

And the last part is all.

He's doing a lot of work.

Sure, sure, sure.

Okay, okay.

It's not our best acronym.

I'll be honest.

What is your best acronym?

Well, you serve a bit of an acronymiac, right?

Yes.

You love fucking acronyms.

I thought you were in groove for that.

Well, I am.

I've been seeing a therapist about my acronymania.

But there's something about a series of letters that stand for something else.

Yeah, and when you say you're seeing your therapist about it, what does that stand for?

Go ahead and just pickpocket them while they're doing this.

Oh, Arnie, a real soft block.

I'll take this.

Good work.

A little of this over here.

Great.

Okay.

Oh, my Mozzarella wands.

Oh, my real wands.

Give me that.

Oh, give me that.

Pink, pick.

Ow, ow, ow.

And of course, wands stands for.

What?

Another necromancer's deal?

I guess we got to applaud that.

I mean, I said it very quickly, if nothing else.

Just a reminder that acronymania, you know, you think it's like, oh, that's going to be so sexy and crazy and good, but really, it's a burden.

It's a burden, and it doesn't mean that he's good at it.

No, no, no, it just means that he does a lot.

And it's very controversial because is there a chemical bond that's the reason for it?

Is it more of a behavioral thing?

And how do you treat nature versus nurture?

I'd rather be an anagrandma.

Grandma.

Totally.

Speaking of chemical,

Anastasia?

Anastasia.

Anastasia.

What is your, how to put this politely?

What is your origin story?

Because I know some villains get pushed into a vat of burning potion or

might be the only one I know.

How did you get evil?

Okay, so, like, thank you for asking.

I don't think I'm fully evil yet, but I am learning.

I think I'm doing a good job of learning.

Fill out her comment card at the end so that we can evaluate more evil.

Yeah, like like and subscribe oh do smash it okay so um i was i was asleep in my house and um my parents they're dead oh my god they're and they're they're dead

so wait i was sleeping in my parents' house but they are dead okay wait a clarifying question go ahead did you fall asleep already knowing they had previously passed away or did it happen while you were sleeping to suspect you're not starting the story in the right place i feel like she's an orphan but she doesn't want to just say orphan like that's been well tread road

It's so done.

People just do orphan all the time.

Let's just say the dead.

Yeah.

And especially in the apprentice, you know, sector.

Apprentice.

Well, in the apprentice sector, it's normally an orphan who's like, oh, my parents were acrobats, and the mob killed them.

Yeah.

Oh, by whatever Tim Drake's origin is.

I mean, that happened at least twice.

Yeah.

Which is crazy.

The mob hated the circus.

I guess.

It was really unpopular in that part of the circus.

I know.

Why were they shaking down the circus?

Why were there so many acrobats?

There were too many acrobats.

Crazy.

Well, there were two left by the end.

But anyway, but I like, don't focus on that.

Focus on the fact that you can be innovative, though.

The fact that you're innovative.

Let's not talk about my dead parents.

They are dead, though.

They're fully dead.

They're

a tragic story.

But that's not, you know,

that's not my story.

You know, I'm trying to.

Oh, that's good.

Doesn't define you.

It doesn't define you.

You've moved past it.

I've moved past it.

And what I'm trying to have define me is easy.

Ow.

Yes.

Yeah, it's pinpricks.

I didn't expect it.

Why in the middle of your story?

That's right.

Always one hand on the pin.

And then I was sleeping in my house.

And then I heard a

clatter and a cradle.

And it was this guy.

He was breaking in.

And I said, oh my God, I've never seen anyone so artfully steal.

And I said, oh, my God, I am an orphan.

I did say that because I was trying to induce pity.

And he said he did not care.

And I said,

don't give a shit.

That's now that's something.

Now, what we

have to be honest with is the circumstances of the burglary is I was stealing from the home and I did reanimate both of her parents so that they were walking around the home

anymore.

That must have been such a treat for you.

It was a real treat to see them come back alive.

Their dead bodies were just in your house?

Yes.

For how long?

I don't know.

I'm just a kid.

Oh, sure.

And I have to ask.

Composed, decomposed?

They're still composing.

Could you hold up the music?

They were musicians.

Musicians, yeah.

I see.

They were the famous composing spin-offs.

And I hate to ask this, but

I feel like we usually do.

What are you?

Hmm?

What, like,

I'm looking at you and I'm like, what are you?

Take your time.

Oh, my God.

And you can lie.

You're a villain.

Okay, so, yeah, my parents were musicians, but that did not come naturally to them.

They did ask an evil sorceress for those skills, and they said the child would be cursed.

And that's what I think you're seeing right now is that curse.

You're seeing the curse.

You're seeing the curse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no real name for this.

What I am?

What people don't realize is that she is completely in.

For those of you who are listening, whatever dork palace you're in, she's completely covered in cold black flame.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

I couldn't quite put a name into the floor.

Cold black flame, yeah.

Yeah.

The spin-offs are an elven family?

They are elven, yeah.

But now they are walking dead.

Yeah.

Well, now they're whatever I need them to do.

That's right.

They are.

I'm an elvish, cold black flame villain to be.

I think it's very simple.

I think the curse is going to help.

I think so too.

Trip Frang, when you broke in,

were you intending just to burgle, or did you intend to also raise the dead?

Was that just a bonus?

Anytime you can raise the dead in any situation as the necromancer, you just got to take the opportunity.

So, this was for larceny, but when I saw that I could use the materials on hand to work smarter, not harder,

I raised them from the dead, had them bag up all the stuff on it.

Although, to be fair, counterpoint, I feel like I keep hearing all throughout Foon that there's a major problem with too many walking dead spin-offs.

See, there's a lot,

and it's become convoluted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why they're walking, who's walking around.

I I think you got to ask, why are there so many dead spin-offs?

Exactly.

Why are there so many dead spin-offs and why are they all filmed in Atlanta?

Why?

Oftentimes you'll find that these spin-offs that I've raised from the dead are often interfering in business as well because they did start to get in the way.

When I raised them, they immediately started screaming.

They screamed.

Oh, they did that in life, too.

I'm planning that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And not like, like, ah!

Yeah, whatever, whatever they saw before they went, bad.

So he raised your parents, so that makes him your grandpa?

That's right.

That's what I call him.

I've tried to dissuade them from doing that.

Grandpapa.

Grandpapa, Drip Fang.

That's what I call him.

Very young.

Very fang.

He does not like it.

Have you considered Drip Papa?

I don't know.

I like that even better.

I don't know that that is.

I think that changes the rating on this podcast.

Drip Papa.

No.

Yeah, I like it.

And Drip Fang, while you're telling us about burgling on Asasia's home,

behind his back, it looks like you sort of made you a little burgle crown, so you're now the burgle king.

Oh, cool.

Smashed.

Oh,

fuck you.

I was trying to do something nice for you.

I would have

mortal enemies.

I'd love to bury the axe, and I'd love, since you have this new protege, to turn you to the forces of good, so that you may join mine quest to defeat evil in all its folds.

I'm going to bury this tiny axe in his belly.

Ow, damn it.

Ah,

son of a

she fully buried it.

it i buried it hold on you let me give you your pin your your pin stabbing badge thank you there's your axe stabbing badge

you did a bunch of stealing today so you signed off on that

that axe in the stomach reminds me i i think there were only two acrobatic families pre-crisis

And that's the other thing, too, is the timelines are always being reset.

There's always some infinite crisis or a crisis around some infinite places that completely resets timelines.

I can't keep track of how many fucking blue beetles there are.

Oh, oh my god, you sidor, the smell from your wound, it's like an axe body splay.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that.

Smells like a fraternity in here.

Yeah.

Close up that wound.

Yeah, a lot of times my wounds, I'm told, smell like teenage boys with low self-esteem.

Oh, is that what it smells like?

Yes.

That can't be good.

No, it's not.

It's not great.

So, do apprentices ever get like apprentices?

Respect me.

meeting.

Everyone respects her and all the art.

Shut up.

We gotta get that guy on the podcast.

Are you excuse me, sir?

Are you available for our 10th anniversary episode?

What day?

I mean, about a week.

A week or so.

Yeah.

Let me check my planner.

Okay.

Nick my finger to turn the page.

You've been doing this for 10 years?

Almost.

Almost 10 years.

Oh, my God.

How long is that that on Earth?

Is that the same?

Does it pass the same as it does in Fun?

As far as I can tell, it's the same amount of time on Earth.

Although what little I hear...

What's that?

About eight years past it being relevant.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Sure.

I thought you just measured these sort of things in like format changes or platform shifts.

Because now in this wandering bar, you're much higher up in the air than you were before.

See, these three schmucks, Anastasia, have been committing the greatest crime of all, which is demanding the attention of people who are minding their own business.

So truly they are the greatest villains.

Often

the most dangerous game to hunt is man.

Well, podcasters, danger.

Depends on which podcast.

Are we the baddies?

Are we the baddies?

Are we Isidor?

Are we are we the baddies?

Are we the baddies?

And then they'll just get distracted by something like this, and it'll be most of this segment.

Oh boy, and you've been doing this for 10 years.

That's right.

Yeah,

this is about all there is to it, too.

I wish I could say that there was something

more.

Wow, I've never

just stared off into you.

Wow, you start just aged 40 years.

Wow.

He's laying down on the floor.

There's moss growing over him.

Whoa, a tree is growing out of his back.

Wow.

Whoa,

grow for me.

Go ahead and stab him while he's on the guy.

Wanna kick him a little bit too.

Watch this, boss.

That's what I mean.

We wanted to talk about that too.

A focus in villainy.

It seems like you're really,

like, really pointed yourself toward violence.

Yeah, that's one of the main things I enjoy about the villainy.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Do you have to pick a major?

Well, we've been doing a holistic sort of

Monasori kind of learning.

Okay.

Perfect.

Good.

That's good.

To make sure that when she's done she's also insufferable yeah no

have you been to mount asori no um it's a mountain that let's be honest only the wealthy could climb but once you're up there you learn by doing does that make sense i think so yeah oh that's another villain origin too just being super wealthy

just having so much money you can be a complete and total sack of shit yes yes and then there's all as far as i know there's only one person who was super wealthy and then decided two people who did that and decided to be heroes one guy dressed up like a flying rodent and the other one had armor and and but he was bad for a while though yeah

that's the other thing you have to know is that as a villain you do have the option to switch sides and commit acts of heroism if you find that that is more profitable oh i know it's grouse the pit

there isn't there is a sort of a gray area that you can occupy as an anti-hero in which you do good deeds but you're kind of a prick while you do it Okay.

Yes don't have much of a moral compass in terms of like being willing to take lives willy-nilly without much consideration.

Sure.

You want to fuck Dream Grey.

Yeah, sure.

You're just usually...

That's why it's called the gray area.

Exactly.

That's right, exactly.

I mean, exactly.

I cheeked a little there.

So if you switch to being heroic or anti-heroic, how many of your credits transfer over?

Okay, yeah.

Great question.

That's a great question.

I actually don't know.

I got to ask.

Is there anything that would transfer over?

That was going to be...

Also, are you new on a semester system or on a quarter system?

I'm a quarterly villain right now.

Quarterly.

Yeah, it's my first quarter.

It's almost done.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Technically, she is a commuter because she's walking around while we do it.

Intermural?

Yeah, when we're escaping, we often live inside a mural, which I fucking hate.

You were in that painting right before you stabbed Annie.

Remember that?

I fucking hate it.

I hate paintings.

I hate art, and I stab it as much as I can.

I stab it too now.

She gets as many credits as she needs, and as many as she can steal, and as many as she can get away with.

I could do anything.

Honestly, with this, with a villainy degree, you could really go anyway.

I feel like it's why it's the smartest one to get.

Well, be careful, because that's what I heard about my English major, and it turned out to not be true.

They always said, like, yeah, you just be an English major.

You can do anything with that.

You just walk around with an English major the whole time.

Do the other ranked English people get jealous?

I got so mad halfway through that sentence.

I saw it on your face.

Oh, you were like, I hate that he's doing this.

I missed this.

Yeah.

I missed hating you to your face.

I missed threatening violence toward you.

I missed hating and respecting you directly to your face.

Well, I hate and respect you too.

That's why I got so upset when you died.

Because I want to be the one to kill you.

Well, I'm alive, so now you have another opportunity, so you're welcome.

That's great.

And I've been hating you this whole time, but I've got to say, it's a little more cathartic to hate you in person.

Well, catharsis is so important.

Yeah.

Now, I gotta say, he has not spoken to anyone on this trip other than me, and I didn't think he had any friends, honestly.

So, it's nice to see him, you know, having a nice chat with somebody that he's not gonna kill or bring back from the dead.

That is good, eh?

That's nice for you, I think.

It's good to know that Drip Fang, though you are loath to admit it, you need us.

Oh, Drip Papa.

No, yes, Dripapa.

Tell us a story, Drip Papa.

Or let's play a parlor game, Drippapa.

You forget, you know what?

I'm going to lay down.

I'm going to see if Moth will grow over me.

Well, while you do that, oh, a little bit.

A little bit.

A little lichen is growing.

Why don't we take another break?

Arnie, did you want to take us to break since you fucking love it or really?

I love it.

Oh, this little lichen is fighting a little vampire.

This little lichen mine.

The real underworld evolution down here.

Anastasia, watch.

They're very small and they're going to try to beat the shit out of each other.

This one looks like Kate Beckinsdale.

This This is fascinating.

Beckensdale.

Yeah, it's a different...

Yeah, who'd you who's

from another world?

That's true.

It's Beckinstale, and then there's the Kate Beckin Fresh, and

then Bill Nye, the science lichens.

Have you tried dousing yourself in cold black water?

Not no, not yet.

I've gone into normal water.

I've gone into lukewarm water.

Maybe you need hot black water.

Try hot.

I mean, yeah, it just never goes out.

I g and you know, i it yeah it it does limit my uh connection to people.

Does the hot black flame do anything?

Like, can you utilize it as a whole?

Aren't it cold?

It's black cold.

It's like cold, sorry.

You know, it could go, you know, that's on fire now.

That's way on fire.

Okay, I gotta put that out.

That's all the way.

If you can't get it out, that's the other thing.

Endless fire like that.

Endless fi.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's not a dust you want.

I'm just gonna throw this chair out the window then.

Yeah, that's not gonna do anybody any good anymore.

Oh, it evaporated.

Yeah.

Whoa, does that happen eventually, usually?

Yeah, usually it just evaporates into nothingness.

Wow, that's uh terrifying power that you have.

Terrifyingly powerful.

Very powerful.

Don't know how to use it.

So you're teaching her how to use this power responsibly.

Not even close.

He doesn't even talk about it.

Nope.

Nope, I didn't pay.

What service do you provide?

Badges, doing the badges.

Badges that she has and wholesale villainy, the basic tenants therein.

Are you teaching her necromancy at all?

Yeah, we've dabbled.

We've dabbled.

Yeah, I brought back

a small bird that was, and then it burst into endless flame.

Oh, shit.

It's hard to have pets, probably, in general.

Yeah.

But did it feel the flame?

I mean, look, it was making a lot of noise.

But, you know, I don't know if that was...

Because I brought it back from the data or, you know, it was on fire.

Do you know, when I was a younger wizard, I had a firebird.

Looked pretty cool hanging out with my firebird.

Did it?

Did it look cool?

Did you look cool?

Oh, yeah.

I looked pretty cool.

I just sort of leaned against my firebird and like cast pictures of myself.

When you leaned against it, you were burned, though, right?

Yeah, I got burned quite a bit.

You probably have to wear leather to protect the yeah, I had to wear leather, but uh, I look, you know,

I loved that firebird.

I've seen a painting, and your hat is slicked back.

My hat was slicked back?

Yeah, I looked pretty great.

Drip fang, I know you usually don't do this.

God, what?

Can I speak with you privately for a moment?

Oh,

am I in trouble?

I don't think so.

Always.

I don't trust him.

Come over here.

I don't trust him.

Okay, I'll be right back.

I'm going to take my drink with him.

Can I drink during this private meeting?

We're in a to have her.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Chan, what do you think Arnie has to talk to Drip Fang about privately?

I don't know, but

he keeps bumping into the wall because his eyes are still closed.

I told him he didn't have to talk to me.

Arnie, you have to open your eyes if you're going to talk to me.

Okay, well, first, will you walk me to the bathroom so I can find him?

Absolutely not.

Okay, well, then fine.

I'll open my eyes.

Okay.

Dripfang, look.

You're peeking.

Oh, shit.

Dripfang, look, I know we're nemesises.

Yeah.

But be honest with me.

Is this whole apprentice thing a scam?

Like, is this leading up to some horrible betrayal?

You would, okay.

So, in some cases, then a

apprenticeship is.

You are straighting up just scamming people for money.

It's part and parcel to some educational institutions.

You charge some bunch and then you just skedaddle.

But this, I see a lot of potential in Anastasia.

And I think that she will be a valuable villain later on.

Because I don't know, I mean, I don't know if you noticed this.

I don't know if you have anything.

Have you heard about this?

I don't know.

Have you heard about it?

You know, oh, well, okay.

Well, that's held for 10 years.

Super observant, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Well, it's gotten you this far.

This, um, villains are

vanishing.

Villains are vanishing?

Yes.

Is that like a superpower?

No.

Well, um, some, yes.

Yes.

Teleportation, invisibility, all that stuff.

But

even those villains aren't coming back.

So in my travels, I've looked for other villains to drop her off with so that she can study with them and that I can have some, you know, time to myself.

And I can't find any.

Wow.

You know what?

Now that I think about it, all this season, we've had very few villains on.

I mean, I guess except for...

I don't know if you noticed this.

The Red Queen Merzia, this creepy woman.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Terrifying.

She's bad.

Yeah, sharp teeth.

Yeah, she doesn't talk much except for this.

Pirate.

Pilot.

Anastasia, while you stabbed my friend here,

it's such an honor to speak to a spin-off.

At the spin-off court, wasn't there a giant rodent

who just wouldn't die?

I think his name was

Rat Poutine, baby.

Tall rat?

Yeah, yeah, that was my uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah, rat poutine.

Yeah.

Arnie, hold on for a second.

You guys talking about rat rat poutine?

Yeah.

Yeah, you hungry?

Oh, yeah.

Always.

Anything with gravy on it.

Did you notice this woman up there?

She scared the shit out of me.

Arnie moved and it's just big, big sharp teeth.

Yeah.

She's terrifying.

I love her.

But guys, guys.

And I'm so sorry if I'm going to betray your confidence, Drip Fang.

Drip Fang has been saying that the villains of Foon have been disappearing.

Well, now they're...

What?

Yeah.

That was like a power?

That was my question.

That was my question.

But apparently,

they're just vanishing and not coming back.

Or maybe something's happening to them.

Am I so good at my job that I don't even know that I'm vanquishing villains?

Have you been sleep vanquishing?

Oh, I never know.

Auto

drive, auto carriage, auto

autoerotic asphyxiation.

That's what I'm trying to say.

That's the one.

That's what we were all trying to remember.

That's what he's always trying to say.

If you ever can't think of a word, it's auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I'm glad that Anastasia was on the other side of the bar when we all said that.

She didn't hear.

What's going on over here?

I said to look at this woman in the corner.

Nothing, never ask about the last 30 seconds.

Okay.

Um, so I did hear that the part about villains going away.

What's going on?

It's kind of like something we should be aware of.

A little scared of.

We are aware of it.

I'm scared of it.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

Deep in those eyeballs.

Oh, oh, actually, don't.

Oh, I felt the flame in my brain.

Oh, oh, oh, no.

It's psychic, too.

Okay, I'm not going to.

I'm going to stare just to the right of you.

Okay.

As a villain,

if there's less villains that means there's more villainy for us to do

so you have to think of it as an opening in the market as a villain you have to think about things like markets

and and and and inequities within and how they can be exploited and once we do that and we get rich

you can be you can do whatever the fuck you want okay the world's gonna be fine we're gonna be fine i'm not scared i'm never scared i've never been scared of anything so brave i can't be ever scared and i never will be scared

knife pull out hold it usador you ever say say I'm scared of anything, I'll fucking stab you in the third.

Stop them right now.

Ow!

Damn.

Damn.

Good, good, good, good.

But yeah, if you see any villains about, if they happen to show, if they get trapped in the net of whatever algorithm you're using to determine who's on when.

Sure.

So, Arnie, do you want to do your routine?

Who's on when?

Now, Arnie, a lot of villains these days have weird names.

Yeah, when?

Shit, I gave myself the hard part.

Another reference that'll have the younger demographics storming the gates.

I loved it.

Well, at least I'm not an English major who doesn't know what a scrivener is.

Insane, aren't you?

Anastasia spin-off.

I must ask thee.

Yeah, what's up?

Wouldst thou consider leaving the ways of villainy behind?

Oh, here it comes.

And joining mine quest to defeat evil

as my new sidekick.

A new kid use it all for a new generation.

Oh my god, what an amazing offer.

I'm just kidding.

No, stamp.

That's called a double cross.

So

advanced.

And terrifyingly powerful.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't know why I'm just using pins.

I could literally just the entire, I could kill everyone here in a thought.

It's so wild.

It is weird.

You have crazy cold fire, and you're just using pins to poke us.

Yeah, just pins right now.

That's what I'm at.

That's the level I'm on.

Why are you learning?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It takes time, and I'm proud of you for following through with your studies.

Thank you.

That felt really good.

I've never had anybody be proud of me before.

And Chunt, I'm proud of you for finally bringing Ani to task about that English major bullshit.

Thank you.

And Ani, I'm proud of you.

For.

Arnie, you're peeking.

Oh, I gotta pull my pants up.

And Shirt Frang, of course, I'm proud of you.

For you that devoted your life to villainy and the way you have done it with such vigor and gusto, it's just hard not to be impressed.

Sorry, were you saying something?

I was carving Euphidor sucks into this table.

Beautiful work.

I sit at this table every week.

Yep, now you got to look at that the rest of the time that you do that.

That's great.

Oh my god, that's the

villainy's best.

Oh, wait, you've done it.

Change the S to an F?

Oh, thank you, Chant.

Wait a second.

Euphedor sucks.

Euphedor sucks.

Oh, wait, I did not know what you're saying.

sound right.

Damn it.

Now people are going to be like, who's Euphedor?

And I'm going to be like, it's me, but that's not my name.

Fine, I'll change it to Euphidor sucks.

Dripfang, now that your revenge is complete, that you've carved this into the table.

I suppose you can be on your way.

I'm going to fucking kill you.

But not today.

Oh.

We have other travels to make and other stops to go to.

And honestly, to complete your villainy training, you should meet some other villains.

So we will be away.

Oh, but before you go, Isaur buddy, could I ask a big favor of you?

Yeah, sure.

Since you're proud of me.

Of course.

Could you make like a paper soldier or paper wizard or something so we could see the two of them fight together?

I just want to see, you know, how they compliment each other in battle.

Sure.

Okay.

Oh, it's a paper Yucidor.

Oh, I'll just, you know.

Oh, that was pretty quick.

That's like anything.

I could literally take down this whole bar.

Honestly, if she really concentrated, she could be the most terrifying presence.

I can.

But you're learning, so take your time.

Don't rush it.

No, no, no.

I'm on pins right now.

Yeah, stick to pins.

That's good.

That's good.

Arnie, we've got to fucking do something now.

Yeah, she's too powerful.

Part of the fun is the journey to finding your ultimate power.

Yeah, yeah.

The most fun is the journey.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't wait.

And you're always.

People say that you're, you know, there's a level of mastery, but you're always a student.

Oh, yeah, you're always learning.

I think that's so important.

Just even for you guys, I gotta know that.

You gotta learn.

You gotta learn even in your day-to-day.

You said or chant.

Yeah.

She's way too powerful.

Our only hope is if she stays a student so long that her passion for evil eventually dwindles.

We should introduce her to Frisbee Golf.

I mean, you keep trying to introduce everybody to Frisbee Golf.

If you want her to stay a student, I can't think of a better way.

Euphedore, I am not invested

in your Frisbee Golf.

Okay, no Frisbee golf.

But let's teach Anastasia to play the loot in the quad.

See, and another thing that they do is they try to openly

plot against you when you are well within earshot.

We're right here is the thing.

I can hear everything they're saying.

I didn't say anything.

It was Euphedor the whole time.

Is Euphedor just you with your hat turned around backwards?

Yeah, here he is in this picture of me with my firebird.

Oh, wow, that firebird rules.

I like having a fuzzy dice hanging off of it.

Yes, and you sure you said in another hundred years you're going to buy a porch?

Yeah, in another hundred years, I'll buy a porch.

Are you going to drive a porch up and down the street?

Mm-hmm.

I like how this firebird has eight tracks.

It's just on eight tracks at all times.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, everyone loves an eight-track firebird, don't they?

Seems like this firebird would really like to hear some lead zeppelin.

Oh, that would be great.

We should rob the lead zeppelin.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing.

That's a good idea.

Let's do that.

Barnie, it's a dirigible.

Do you have dirigibles on Earth?

I think we used to.

Made entirely of metal.

Alchemy.

Alchemy worked.

That's good.

You have dirigibles and you got rid of it?

What kind of podunk fucking place are you from?

I don't know.

I think they were too cool.

Fuck's ass.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, before you guys go, if you want, look, I don't want to be mad.

But if you want to meet some villains, the Red Queen Mercy is over here.

She doesn't talk much, but wait a second.

Where did she go?

She's been standing there sucking our hopes and dreams out of us for months now, and she's just vanished.

But my hopes and dreams disappeared years ago.

Well, on this very night, and if you listen, you can still hear his hopes and dreams.

Two firebirds.

Oh, can you imagine two?

Yeah.

The insurance alone, though.

I know.

It really put me in the hole.

Everyone seems really calm, but like another villain has just disappeared.

And I'm getting kind of scared.

And I don't mean to like say we shouldn't go on a normal path of robbing people and doing like you know petty crimes so that I can learn but maybe there's like I don't know like some bigger mission we should be on right now.

You're right.

We should get to some graduate level thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, we'll see you soon and next time I see you, of course, I'll kill you.

And next time you'll try and I'll actually end your life this time and not have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out whether you're in this plane of existence or if you've passed through a veil into some sort of supernatural

ephemera.

Hilarious.

It's so funny.

I fucking hate you, dude.

I hate you.

I respect you?

I respect a whole bunch.

Anastasia,

make your felicitous goodbyes to these jerks.

Step, step, step.

Oh, and I stab to you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, my knife just so

you can't.

If you ever try to stab me, your weapons do dissolve into my cold black flame.

Yep, never fuck with me.

My sidekick is probably the most terrifying being in.

Anastasia, if I may, I would recommend...

Oh, she's skipping around the box.

If I may, I would recommend, and this is just my advice, take it or leave it.

I would say pick up a minor, just in case you ever want to fall back on something.

Smaller person that I could fall back on.

Yep.

Yeah, or

especially if they're able to delve deeply into the ground.

Oh, for sure.

I'll look for one of those on my travels.

Thank you so much.

You know, I knew another wizard who had a firebird, and he tried to pick up a minor, and that did not go great.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

All right, I'm gonna push you guys out of the tavern.

Okay, oh, bye.

well, this is quite disturbing that villains are just disappearing,

seemingly just snatched out of nowhere into nothingness.

Maybe it's good.

Let's villains.

Do we know it's just villains, or is it other people too?

We should look into this.

I must go off into deep dark cafes and libraries and search through tomes and grimoires to learn what has happened here.

For this is an ancient magic that I do not know.

And I'm gonna ask someone to check the women's restroom just to make sure Mirzia isn't in there.

That's a good idea.

We should do that first.

I think sometimes we're a little alarmed.

Do that first.

Do that first.

Hey, Drip Fang, Anastasia, if you get vanished, will you send us like a telegram or something letting us know what happened to you?

Oh, it's good that we were surreptitiously floating next to the dog that you just pushed us out of here.

Yeah, this is all her doing.

I can make us float too, isn't that weird?

Ned's telekinesis.

I don't think that I can really teach her anything other than self-control yeah if we hear anything we'll let you know uh okay you want to fly back to the uh surface oh yeah for sure okay bye-bye guys stop stop stop

uh goodbye arnie arnie arnie yeah you guys saw we must have anastasia back on i know because if she vanishes i need to say vanastasia

right yeah you should have done that so much i know i just thought of it oh i'm not healing are you no oh you oh User's gone.

We need a healing rock.

Yeah.

Wait, where did I go?

I thought you were off.

Oh, you're here.

I thought you were off to check the somethings and the somethings for any sort of nothing.

I went to the ladies' room.

Wow.

To check for Red Queen Mosey.

Oh.

Is that a euphemism?

They yelled at me.

Now, imagine being being able to see all of that on video.

Don't shake your head, no, it's too late.

It's already available.

A recording of the entire session can be found at youtube.com slash at hello from the magic tavern.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Batcher was played by Adol Rafai.

Drip Thang Le Despare was played by Special Guest, a talking flamingo in sunglasses and jams who gets kids excited about smoking?

Wait, no, it was Kevin Suretta.

Kevin does his best to to keep up on Fridays and Saturdays with the Improvised Shakespeare Company at the IO Theater in Chicago.

Kevin also serves as Director of Communications for the Secret Ward of Chicago, a section of Chicago where the city meets the supernatural, and publishes a newsletter every week on Substack, which provides information and updates about the ward that he demands you tell no one about because it is a secret.

Find out what you're not supposed to tell anyone about at thesecret ward at substack.com.

And I can promise you, if anyone's good at staying out of the public's attention, it is Kevin.

Anastasia Spin-Off was played by special guest Carissa Bareka.

Carissa is the director of the current resident stage and national touring company at The Second City.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the recent two and a half hour meet and greet, where Arnie, Adel, and Matt chatted with and answered questions from patrons.

I'm hearing about this just now.

What a fun surprise.

My morale is skyrocketing.

Here's that clip.

Typically, if I'm feeling comfortable, I'll do like Everywhere by Michelle Branch, or I'll find someone to sing

Summer Lovin' from Greece.

But recently, because I bought my wife, Gemma, a karaoke machine, because she loves to sing.

So in our basement, we have a little karaoke set up and I sang with her.

I sang Love Shack, which is really fun to do in a Fred Schneider accent.

And then also Monster Mash,

which is very, very fun to do all the voices with.

Super fun.

I need videos of all of these.

Arnie, new content.

High school.

All right.

Yeah.

We'll go to your basement and we'll record us singing some karaoke.

We'll do a karaoke night.

I mean, we should, we, yes, we'll do a video of us doing karaoke and then the analytics will come back and we'll be like, guys, this is the first piece of content we posted that no one has ever finished.

To hear the rest of that, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

And don't forget, how could we?

There's a video version of this episode on the Magic Tavern YouTube page.

If you've ever wondered, is the posture of the hosts as bad as it sounds?

Find your answers at youtube.com/slash at hello from the magic tavern.

Hello from the magic Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

See you back here next week for the big 10-year anniversary episode.

I, for one, can't wait.

Hang on.

Yes, I can.