Season 5, Ep 45 - Mothman Now (w/ Hank Green)

Audival's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you.

When it comes to what kind of romance you're into, you don't have to choose just one.

Fancy a dallions with a duke, or maybe a steamy billionaire.

You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field.

And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm.

Discover modern rom-coms from authors like Lily Chu and Allie Hazelwood, the latest romanticy series from Sarah J.

Maas and Rebecca Yaros, plus regency favorites like like Bridgerton and Outlander.

And of course, all the really steamy stuff.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com/slash wondery.

That's audible.com/slash wondery.

Hey, Zach!

Are you smiling at my gorgeous canyon view?

No, Donald.

I'm smiling because I've got something I want to tell the whole world.

Well, do it.

Shout it out.

T-Mobile's got home internet.

Minutes.

Whoa, I love that echo.

T-Mobile's got home internet!

How much is it?

Look at that, Zach.

We got the neighbor's attention.

Just $35 a month.

And you love a great deal, Denise.

Plus, they've got a five-year price guarantee.

That's five whole trips around the sun.

I'm switching.

It's scream.

Yes, T-Mobile home internet for the neighborhood.

McDonald's, you still haven't returned my weed whacker.

Carl, don't you embarrass me like this, please.

What's everyone yelling about?

T-Mobile's got home internet.

McDonald's got my weed whacker.

Yes, Yes, T-Mobile's got home internet, just $35 a month with autopay and any voice line, and it's guaranteed for five years.

Beautiful yodeling, Carl!

Taxes of these apply, see T-Mobile.com slash ISP for details and exclusions.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But just because something's not real doesn't mean that it can't touch our hearts and change our lives in unplanned and extraordinary ways.

But we don't really do that either.

So sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, by my cousin, by my friend,

Chunt the Talking Badger.

Arnie, how you doing, buddy?

I'm doing okay.

How are you?

Uh, doing pretty well.

Close your eyes real quick.

Close your eyes.

Put out your hands.

All right, this is and open them.

Arnie, it's a fish.

Uh,

thank you.

Yeah, I um I'm testing out something Usidor told me.

So I just gave you a fish.

Anything, anything you want to say or do with that?

Give it back.

interesting okay uh toss that on the floor okay now arnie look now hands do you got a like a wet wipe or something my hands are all fishy now i just wipe it on my fur okay are you sure not my mouth my fur okay so

okay

here we go ah

you are you are kind of like wonderfully hand towel sized Uh huh.

I don't know how to take that.

I mean, I've never wiped my hands off on your fur before.

Yeah.

But now I kind of want to do that all the time.

Hmm.

Is that okay?

Is that like a cousin thing?

You know what?

Yeah.

As long as it's maybe backs, no fronts, I think that's fine.

Sure.

Oh, so Arnie, so I gave you a fish.

You tried to give it back to me, which is wild.

Okay, now put your hands up, because you can't shape shift.

Put your hands up to your face.

Okay.

Kind of pucker your lips and kind of do...

Do one of these.

Okay.

Do one of them.

Like you're flapping your fucking hand.

Okay.

Flapping my hand like gills.

Yeah, yeah.

You store, I gave him a fish and then I taught him to fish.

And I don't know.

I don't know.

I forgot you're saying.

What was your saying?

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to act like a fish and he'll make friends with fish who will teach him where to find cattle that he may turn into steaks.

Oh, the fish that we put on the floor is going...

Arnie, that fish on the floor thinks you're a fish.

Oh,

follow it.

Follow it.

It'll show us where the cows are.

Quick, everyone out of the the tavern.

Sorry, not everyone, not everyone.

Sorry, everyone, finish your drinks.

So sorry.

This fish is flopping so fast.

I'm it's really making a lot of progress out of here.

Oh, oh, party, do- oh, oh, which way did it go?

Did it go up the road there?

I don't, I don't, I don't.

While we're following this fish, Usador, why don't you introduce yourself?

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the Elves know me as Fiang Yalik, the dwarves know me as Zonanoopstanges, and I'm known in the northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

And lo, I have finally found a way to track down those slippery and sneaky cows.

Yes.

Yes.

And I'm getting some steps in.

Oh, yeah, Arnie.

That's right.

How many steps are you up to?

Let me take a look.

Let me take out my phone.

Let me open my app.

Okay, but keep running, but keep running.

Okay.

As a reminder to listeners, Arnie revealed last week that he is using something called stepping to Mordor or some such thing.

Even though I've invited him on countless quests, he's decided to do a fake quest on his phone.

I have now gone 97.5 miles overall.

And according to this,

I will arrive in Mordor.

on December 24th, 2026.

And Arnie, you said 97.5.

Mm-hmm.

Kiss FM.

Oh, I was going to say, could you say it in like a fun voice?

Like 97.5.

97.5.

Kiss FM.

Kiss FM.

Excuse her.

All the hits of the 80s, 90s, and today.

We used to call them oldies.

Now they're oldies.

I assume it means kiss full mouth.

Oh, I thought it was going to be fish man.

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

Hey, who?

Do you guys see?

There's something kind of flying up above us.

Oh, it it might be a cow.

The fish just jumped back in the river.

Wait, damn it.

Wait,

we know this thing.

I think this thing looks familiar.

We know this thing.

Hey you!

Hi.

Hey!

Hey, come.

Whoa!

Oh, that was kind of a rough landing.

Yeah, it's been a rough landing kind of a day.

Friend, you look a little rough around the gills, but I recognize thee.

Art thou Hans Hoffman, Science Moffman?

That is, I am.

Hello, it's Hans Hoffman, Science Moffman.

It's very good to be with you.

I didn't...

Well, you're from that tavern, right?

Yeah, it's been years.

I'm Arnie.

I'm from another world.

Yeah, that's how I recognize you is because it was so weird to meet somebody from another world.

I need to talk to you.

I should have talked to you more.

I've been looking for you for years.

For years?

We've been in this tavern that walks around on legs, so it's been difficult to track us down.

That must have been the problem.

Does it go over bridges?

It can.

It doesn't have to.

Yeah, it goes downstairs.

It's fun for a girl and a boy.

That's a strange thing to say.

Is it?

Well, I don't know.

It's like, girls and boys probably shouldn't go in taverns that much.

Is that against the rules?

I mean, they have to get gruel and stew somewhere.

That's a good point.

I don't know how children work.

We're very different from you.

So, Hans, you're a Mothman, and it's been a while.

I remember you were sort of a science enthusiast.

You believe that magic is really just science that we haven't discovered yet.

Kind of an unpopular opinion in Foon.

Arnie, you have to tell me about this other world you're from.

I go across this land of food and I'm hired by farmers and artisans to do science, but I can't.

Everything I I try, nothing works.

The other day I was hired to clear out a field of small rodents that were digging holes in all of the cattle.

They were stepping in the holes and breaking their legs.

Oh, I thought for a second, I thought you said they were digging holes in the cattle.

No, they do that too.

They will sometimes they'll jump up on the cattle and they'll dig holes into the cattle.

And I have to use science.

Of course, I'm hired to use science to solve this problem.

And everything I try,

I cut the little things in half.

I cut them and to see how old they are, because that's how it works with trees.

You cut them in half, and then you count the rings.

And I counted the rings.

They're as old as spoon, these things.

There was millions of rings on the inside of them.

In the inside of these rodents?

Yes.

So many,

it doesn't make sense.

How could this rodent that sometimes chews holes in cows be millions of years old?

Yeah.

There's too many rings.

It took me forever.

I would assume it was nepotism.

Somehow that rat knew another rat, and he's like, I want to live for a million years.

And then they worked it out.

They're not rats.

They're like rats, but long.

Oh, long rats.

Ooh.

Do you guys know about long rats?

Yeah, I think that's what they're called.

Longus rattus.

You sort of do you ever get hired by farmers to clear their fields of rats?

I sometimes go to a farmer who says, Oh, there's a plague that's fallen upon mine crops.

What should I do about these locusts or these or these long rats or these

or just bad weather?

And I say unto them, Let me use my magic to assist you.

And then I create an amazing array of fireworks in the sky, followed by a rainbow.

It's been a long few years to be a science Mothman in the magical land of Foon.

Oh.

You seem like you've lost some of your pizzazz, some of your excitement.

You were so sorry.

That's why I need to see you.

Tell me of this world that you're from.

Arnie, you've fought it for years.

Now we're going to finally put you to the test.

Tell us about Earth stuff.

Do some science right now.

Do some science right now?

Do some science right here in front of us.

How does light work?

How does light work?

How does light work?

Magnets.

Who are they?

That's insane.

That's insane.

That's not science.

Yeah, I'm just a clown.

I don't know anything.

I'm

not.

There's, I've heard rumor of this other world.

This other world where science is real and magic is fake and I I yeah if I have to accept that magic is the true the true stuff of food and that I have believed in science all of these years and it's just it's been nothing all I'm just cutting open long rats while Usidor makes fireworks and rainbows kind of a hat on a hat

although to be fair usidor when you make those fireworks and rainbows does that help the rat problem at all no but they feel better I assume the wet the weather's better after I've seen wizards make the weather better yes I certainly could make the weather better, but it can be unpredictable still.

Let's say they don't.

It's a drought, right?

And then I call forth the rains, and the rains come pouring down, and then those, all that rain starts to coalesce into a giant water beast, a beast made of pure water, who then sucks the farmer down into an abyss.

Whoa!

Oh, okay.

And you know.

And you know what I'm doing?

I'm like, that's a cumulonimbus cloud.

cloud.

I can just name the things.

That's all I can do.

I can't make them do things.

Did you come up with that name yourself?

Yes, it's...

I thought that it sounded nice.

It does sound nice.

Cumulonimbus.

Is that named after my friend, Cumulonimbus?

The wizard?

Yeah, you know Cumulonimbus.

The only reason I still get work is because you guys apparently don't need money anymore.

Yeah, the wizards have kind of...

Usinar, how would you explain it?

Usinar, you do the exposition.

Well, the wizards, they've become

quite miserly since they've lost their immortality and they now amass power and wealth in their strongholds, skirmishing with one another.

And for certain, as tensions do mount, war becomes more inevitable.

Yeah, and Hans, I gotta say that Arnie's been sort of...

Arnie, you tell him.

Oh, shit.

Um, well, you know, I've become the greatest warrior in all of Foon, and

I've increasingly forgotten more about the world that I've come from.

It's not just that I don't want to talk about Earth stuff.

No one asks me to talk about Earth stuff anymore.

When you were a child and you worked ill, what do they do?

How do they help you?

It couldn't have been magic.

It must have been science stuff.

That's true.

Okay, let me think.

Look, I'm not a science expert, but maybe there are some things that I can remember that can help.

So, when I was a child and I was sick, the kind of things that would help, I think I would drink 7-Up,

which was just sort of bubbly, clear liquid.

It wasn't as good as soda.

Arnie.

Yeah.

Sorry, so you drank eight.

Sorry, Hans, Arnie's bad at numbers, so sometimes he'll go, you know, he'll be like, I just turned 48 up.

And we're like, just say 49.

49.

It's confused.

One up from 48.

I am feeling like you're not going to be much help, but keep going.

Trust that feeling.

But also, another thing that would help is I would eat saltine crackers.

Saltine.

I feel like we have crackers here, and they're

not even particularly magical, all alone scientific.

Yeah, and then we would stay home from school and watch live with Regis and Kathy Lee.

Did they put anything in you?

Anything up the front, up the back?

In the nostrils?

Okay.

Answered the question, Nikiam.

All right.

Can I explain how catheters work?

No, but I could say, you know, sometimes...

We have Catheters here.

Oh, I guess that's true.

Yes, I've the evil wizard Catheter.

Usidor, you know Catheter, yes.

Oh, I know Catheter.

He and Cumulonimbus are very

staunch enemies.

They hate one another.

And of course, Ani, you may not be able to explain Catheters, but you certainly could explain Kathy, that comic strip.

Ack.

I don't know if I want to do that.

And you said Regis and her do a something talk show?

And Kathy Lee?

Yeah, I never really put that together.

Well, look, Kathy is spelled more than one way.

They're completely different Kathys.

But both of them probably drink a little too much.

Prove it.

Spell it all the ways that it can be spelled.

Okay.

C-A-T-H-Y.

One.

K-A-T-H-I-E.

Two.

Two.

And then some various variations on that.

Two ways.

Look, Hans, you look like you could use a drink.

Do you want to come back with us to the tavern?

Yes.

Is it near?

Was that a yes?

Sorry, it's being very quiet.

Is it nearby?

I don't know if I have the energy to go on.

Oh, we can

carry you, because it also looks like from that rough landing, it looks like there's a bone sticking out of your leg.

I don't know if you have it.

Oh, it's not a bone, but yes.

Something's sticking out.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Don't look.

Here, I'll summon a cloud, and you can float on the cloud back all the way back to the tavern.

Fine, that's fine.

I'll do that.

Hello.

You'd rather it seems like insult to injury to magic him to the place.

I'm just trying to help.

No, I get it.

I get it.

And since you want to learn about science, on the way back to the tavern, I'll teach you where light comes from.

When the goddesses winked at the stars, one star became brighter than the rest and became the son of Foon.

And now, that sun,

who is just the embodiment of the goddesses, wink.

All right, can you count the number of rings on the inside of this long rat?

One, two, three.

All right,

we'll head back to the tavern during the break and we'll do all that counting.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know, we all have people in our lives we go to for advice.

A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

And it's good to talk to people you know and get their thoughts.

But when it comes to stuff like anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers.

Instead, get guidance from a credentialed therapist online with BetterHelp.

Therapy has been hugely beneficial for me in my life.

It's helped me better understand myself, have better perspective on my problems.

And if you've been thinking about therapy, I encourage you to do so.

And BetterHelp could be a great option.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

And it's completely online.

You can pause your subscription whenever you need to and switch therapists anytime at no extra cost.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash magic.

That's betterhelphelp.com/slash magic.

416, 417, 480.

Okay, you said our you can you can stop with the you can stop with accounting, I think.

I don't think so.

Okay.

So, Hans,

your wings look all messed up.

Like, it just looks you've been through a lot.

Well, I mean, we don't live that long.

Once we become Mothman.

Oh, no, really?

How much time would you say you have left?

Oh,

I don't like to think about it that way.

It's one day at a time, you know, for a Mothman.

I think for most people it's one day at a time.

It's one day at a time for most people.

So, so, Hans, you...

Before you were

so eager to advocate for science, and now you've just been turning science tricks all over Foon?

You know, sometimes I feel I'm onto something.

I feel I get in touch with something real.

You know, I really really do believe Foon is a ball.

After all this time, a ball with water dripping down across the ball, like Chunt in the shower.

Huh?

Don't worry about, you know, sometimes I picture

you in the shower, Chunt, because you once talked about you showering to me, and so I think about that.

It's sort of a comfort thought for me.

That I just go back to when I'm having a hard time.

Okay, then take these sketches.

Sorry, and you were saying.

Oh, sketches?

Uh, yeah, these are sketches I draw of myself in the shower.

Oh, they're beautiful.

They're so damp.

just been here the whole time, and it was never

in a bison first.

It was just here, and it's been here.

Where is this bison?

What's your evidence for this bison?

What's your evidence for this bison, Usidor?

I have none, and I must admit that.

I believe in the goddesses because they called me forth, and I used to be an angelic being who lived alongside them, but perhaps they are just beings beyond our comprehension.

And Hans, I know we have a contentious relationship, and I know we haven't agreed in the past, but I'm so mad at the wizards that perhaps I should learn science.

What?

I have been trying, and I don't have much time left on this globe, and so we must extract from this man who is from a different realm that does not appear to be magical.

We must extract from him his knowledge of science.

What did they put in you and where?

Shut, hold him down.

What did they put in you and where?

All right,

what's inside of you?

I don't know.

Oh, I had no idea.

I always assumed that someone would try to take me apart and get the secrets from Earth from me, but I had no idea it would be like this.

I'm gonna waterboard him.

You sir, that's where I list all the different types of water until he gets bored.

Excellent.

I'm going to cheese board him, and I'm going to get some charcuterie.

I'll be right back.

Wait, no, he's holding on his.

Oh, he's up.

He's up.

Oh, he's up.

Look, I think I know what's going on, Hans.

You're having a magistrate crisis.

Is this a thing that happens?

Have you had one?

Look, I think really what's happening is you're just dealing with the total demoralizing aspects of becoming an adult.

Well, I was an adult the first day I existed.

Oh, like Isidor.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm pretty used to being an adult.

You know, I used to be a caterpillar, of course.

But after that,

it's just an all-adult.

Look, I'm going to sort of try to think about my experience of growing up and see if, using language you understand, if it makes sense.

You know, maybe did you spend so much of your life thinking that, I don't know, maybe science is real.

Maybe there's more than just what's going on around you and that, you know, maybe there's something special about you and that you'll be able to, you know, capture the science and the world.

Yes.

But then eventually you realize, oh wait, no.

No.

No.

Science is just a dream and...

No.

And I'm just stuck in a horrible world that's all just hard magic.

How did you get around?

How did you go to places?

Did you just horses?

Or did you have clouds that flew?

How did you- You remember you you're you said burger king you said wi-fi these are things.

What are these things

Hans?

Here's the problem.

I'm from another world, but

I would even consider myself an above-average intelligence person from my world, but whoa Wow.

No, no, it's it seemed that seems right to me.

Yeah, like amongst the friends that I had on my world, I was definitely the smarter one.

That tracks.

Yeah.

But so but like, you know, you can just give me a little something.

Give me something to work.

But how did you just like

get to the Burger King?

How'd you get there?

So

I had a car.

It was an automobile.

So it was sort of like a cart, right?

Okay.

That you have here, but it would

essentially drive itself.

Like I would have to steer it still, but you didn't need animals to make it move.

You just had to fill it with much more precious resources.

So you filled it with precious resources.

Ooh, like marriages and love.

More precious than that.

How kids?

No.

Look, I'm trying to...

Okay, I'm really trying to think of how much of this I understand.

Say you take a cow, right?

And you bury it in the ground, and over

thousands and

thousands of years.

Sorry, buddy, already, buddy, whoa.

Yeah?

What are we doing?

You take a cow.

No, no.

Classic cow funeral.

Look, do you guys know how science works?

No, I do.

I am the everybody shut up don't talk i am the smartest person in this room right now all right so you take a cow you bury it in the ground over thousands and thousands of years it deteriorates and it turns into oil i think oil like for like like what what you would use for cooking well no like a more viscous oil

um oh like for sex sex oil that is a precious resource some of us have too much of that.

No, it's sort of like how do I describe it?

It's a bubbling crude Texas tea oil, that is.

I'm going to need you to go back for us just like two steps.

Just some of us have too much of it.

This isn't important for science.

Let's all go around and say how many bottles of sex oil we have at home.

And if anybody's being weird about it, we should all maybe, you know, have a conversation.

I guess there is that person in Foon I've heard about that's in a lot of trouble for having way too much sex oil.

All I know is I have a normal amount of sex oil personally.

Sure.

Okay, and same.

And same for me.

We don't need to go around and say how much.

I can appreciate that.

Certainly not.

So getting back to how automobiles work.

So you have this oil and

then you turn it into something else called gasoline.

Boy, that part of the process, I don't really understand.

And to the point where I'm not actually sure that oil does turn into gasoline.

Like, those are maybe just completely different things.

And let's just play a thought exercise.

If any of you had to guess how you would turn oil into gasoline, even though you don't know what either of those two things are, how do you think it would happen?

I'll go first.

I would definitely start by burying a cow in the ground.

That would be my first thought.

Right, right?

So I would do that, and then I would dig it up, like you said, thousands of years later.

and then I would have a gnome kiss it on the nose, and then

as it came rumbling back to life from the gnome's kiss, it would begin to

expectorate all sorts of manner of vile bile.

And I would take that bile and I would refine it in some way so that it would become this gasoline.

I'd refine it probably by sending it to a boarding school.

Here's the problem.

I stopped paying attention attention to what you're saying, and I think that's why I don't know why, how this happens in the first place.

Sure, sure.

My guess would be, so you have one thing and you're turning it into another thing.

Now, I know that wizards do this all the time, and Chunt does this to his own body.

If I was asked to do that, as a science Mothman, I would use some form of distillation, where you heat up whatever is the thing, and then some of it evaporates faster than other pieces.

So you can,

what we call fractional distillation.

So some of it will evaporate at different temperatures.

You get it to that low temperature and that portion evaporates off.

And then you recondense that into a more pure form of the mixture that maybe you got out of burying the cow.

Just like making a potion.

Oh, yeah, is it?

Very similar, yes.

And heating up materials to

make them into different forms as an ancient ritual that goes back through forging weapons and blacksmithery.

I mean

is it definitely a ritual or is there an element of science to this?

I suppose it could be described as science, for it is taught uh by non-magical creatures in this world from generation to generation, and isn't that its own sort of magic?

Would you would you s would you of course, but would you say that that the the original substance was a a uh a mixture of many substances and you're just extracting one from it, or that you're creating something entirely new from scratch that never existed before?

Well, I I suppose the latter, for

nothing can be created or destroyed unless I create it or destroy it.

Did you mean the former?

I meant the former, yes.

I didn't realize that was a gasp of, oh no.

He said latter, but he meant former.

Indeed, I did mean the former.

Because if you

form something out of another thing,

you must extract it, yes, manipulate things.

All of these years I've been trying to find Arnie to extract the secrets of science from his thick lunk, but now I find that perhaps perhaps the wizards of Foon are the ones with the greatest scientific understandings, my mortal enemies?

Well, they're also my mortal enemies, Hans, and I want to say to you again:

I believe that we could help one another.

We can't let these guys know about this.

Chunt, they're fake whispering.

I don't know.

I know

definitely not something that.

Oh, you're doing it too?

Yeah, it's fun.

Join in.

Okay.

Eureka!

Ha ha!

We've done it.

What have you guys made over here?

Well, I taught Hans how to create his first potion, and in turn,

he has taught me about osteoporosis.

Huh.

Doesn't seem like a fair trade.

Well, it's.

I mean,

it's not a big deal until it happens.

Yeah, it's it's a bone disease.

It's also a wizard.

Oh, yeah.

We've learned about so many new wizards this episode.

Yes, and we are going to continue the tradition of naming diseases by their names.

That's sucking away some of their power.

For names are very powerful.

Very, and yeah, diseases and also medical instruments.

The

wizard catheter.

Take that.

Haha, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I've also learned about photosynthesis, Arnie.

It's extremely scientific.

And we think that it's possible that this is how the original energy that goes into your gasolines created in the first place.

Oh, photosynthesis?

Power from the sun.

Imagine that every plant and every animal who consumes those plants, Arnie, they're like a giant battery.

They are absorbing what has come from the light.

Through this process of photosynthesis and then converting it to energy, then converting that matter into energy to run the animal's body, and then, then, by the goddess's blessing, oil is formed and gasoline through a process of distill.

Maybe they should call him Gasmanius Maestar, the science mae star.

Whoa.

Ah!

Ernie, when I turned 11, I had, as we all do, a children's birthday scientist that said all this same dumb stuff, but that doesn't make it real.

I mean, he also pulled two chickens out of his um uh jacket made them mate had them lay eggs put them under a heat lamp until the egg hatch and then was like here a chicken when it's like no just magic one what are you doing

these people are insane arnie don't listen to them usador's been turned the thing i hate about children's birthday parties is how fucking long they are simply too many activities narrow it down an entire gestation cycle please uh chunt Yes?

I know that you heard all of

what Yesudur just told us, but did you know also at the same time that while

that great battery, the size of foon, goes on and on, converting energy into life, that also everything is also constantly fucking?

Maybe that makes it better for you?

Oh.

Okay, I'm listening.

You have my intention.

Yeah.

It doesn't work without that.

What I don't understand is that, you know, when you see like a gopher go down into the ground, you know, we obviously assume that they pop their head up on the other side of the disc.

We know, I never see it, but we assume, right?

It digs down 10 feet and all of a sudden it's on the bottom of Foon.

I mean, I think that that's a fairly easy thing to test.

Would you like to go back out into the cattle field and dig 10 feet down and see if you pop out on the other side of Foon?

All right, here's Podger.

You're a badger.

Everyone outside.

Sorry, not everyone.

Not everybody.

Even who are drinking.

Stay at your table.

Sorry, Hans, what were you saying?

What were you saying?

You're a badger.

You've dug down more than 10 feet, haven't you?

Uh, usually I stop at nine and a half, but um...

Well, seems like someone needs an app to track how much they're digging.

You told Ani you dug down nine and a half, and then he would say like, oh, Kim Basinger, and I was like, what is he talking about?

Yeah, and then I said,

okay, I'll dig down eight and a half, and he winked and he said, Fellini.

And I said, I don't want to feel, I don't want to feelini.

And then he said, well, I'll dig down seven, and I'm just sort of like, not my favorite Fincher.

I don't know what's going on.

Okay, let me get a little stretch here.

All right.

Sorry to embarrass you, Hans, but I'll go ahead and

try and dig down 10 feet and pop out the other side.

Oh, Chunt, this doesn't look like a good spot.

Let me move this box.

I wonder what's in this box.

Here, you can dig right there.

Well, hold on.

What's in the box?

You sir, what's in the box?

What's in the box?

I think it's just a box of hair.

Wow.

Weird.

Okay.

That's mine.

Science, you know.

All right, here we go.

I'll see you guys.

I mean, I guess when I pop out the bottom of Foon, it'll take me a couple weeks to get back to this point.

So I'll see y'all in a couple weeks.

Wait, you can just come right back up.

He makes so many noises when he's digging.

Five feet.

It's a real bunter.

How's it going?

How's it going, John?

It's getting rough down here.

Are you going to need to take a shower later?

Uh, not a shower, but I'll have to take something.

Take something?

Like, medication?

I don't know what that means.

What's medication?

Oh, I wish you had it in this world.

I have some prescriptions that are long overdue.

Uh-oh, I'm at 10 feet.

It's the furthest he's ever been.

15 feet?

15.

Wow, that was the last five was really easy.

How are you measuring that?

240 feet.

He's just guessing.

He's like four feet down.

He's just like four feet.

He's guessing.

He's not measuring with anything.

i feel like i went so far down i can still see his feet i'm i'm back up i'm back up i felt like as i was digging it it it felt like first the ground got really hard and then it felt like the ground got a little muddy and then it felt like the ground got real hot like in the center was really hot like hot oh hot a sort of uh um uh dirt hot dirt Maybe some metal?

I don't, I know.

It was so weird.

Maybe if you found a, if you found a source of heat, maybe we could use use that oh yeah we could probably put some kind of I don't know wizards

you you need heat sometimes we'll name him we'll name the heat thing after the wizard geothermal that's great has a nice ring to it and also thermal means heat and geo means earth it's weird that's a weird coincidence huh oh yeah he's a he's a wizard who mostly lives uh 12 feet underground oh right i already knew you could go further than four and a half feet could have saved me a lot of claws but that's fine

You can grow them back.

Now that you've dug that hole, should we put a cow in there?

Yeah, let's put a cow in here and see what happens in a few thousand years.

That fish over there is pointing to where cows are.

Oh, it's back.

Come on.

Oh, oh, we're chasing the fish.

Hey, I didn't see one, right?

Oh, yeah.

I hate fishes.

They smell very bad.

They do.

They also eat moths.

I don't know if you know that.

What?

They eat moths?

Moths!

Oh, moths.

Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

Why would Hans Moffman be upset if fish ate moths?

I don't know.

He's into science.

Not all of that.

I think that's the fun he was having when he heard me say.

I think he just misheard me, you sator.

I think I did, yes.

Oh, misheard him.

So, Hans,

let me explain something to you.

When we hear something, what's going on is that there's a family of demons inside of our heads who have have nets, and as your words enter someone's ear, the little demon family will catch the words in their net and then eat them.

Then they'll connect a tube from their belly into your brain, and that's how we hear the words.

So I don't know what science thinks about that, but that's how things work.

Well, you know, there's only one way to find out.

Can I get in there?

Junk, get real big so you can get in there.

Yeah.

Yeah, just get become something really big with really big ears.

I want to go inside.

Okay, let me...

Maybe I'll shift into an elephant.

Oh, I need bigger.

Okay, maybe I'll just shift my head bigger.

Whoa.

Wow.

That's cool.

Oh, man.

15 feet.

That's uncanny.

Oh, it's getting 20 feet?

It's still swelling.

300 feet.

I both hate and love this.

This is what I asked for.

He's huge, but also

his measurements are still off.

Like, he's just totally guesstimating how big his head is.

Yeah, but he's shouting it very confidently, which I appreciate.

I'm going to get in there.

Okay.

Let's all get in there.

Well, wait, don't just walk in.

Take the magic school cart.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm already in.

He already did digging in.

Oh, he's covered in earwax.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Well, I don't see any demons in here, Chunt.

Oh, you're here too?

Yeah, I decided to come in here.

Wow, you're...

I thought it was a pretty tight fit with just me, but...

Oh, well, I'm half incorporeal at the moment, so I can just move through that

lightings and such.

That makes sense, is

hey Artie?

What's going on out there?

What?

I can't hear you.

There's something wrong with this demon family with the net.

It could be.

Hello, demons.

Are there any demons in here?

Demons?

I'll say the smell is not what I expected.

I will say the smell is on par with what I expected, but the sort of flavor of it isn't quite

as I would have dreamed.

What do you see in there?

Can you hear us talking, Chunt?

Yeah, it's like you're talking directly into my brain.

What if I touch this?

Ha!

Oh, oh, oh!

Why is he coming?

Oh, oh.

Why is he pooping?

I think he touched my hippocompass.

I think if I pull this one that's connected to his hair, he'll become a great chef

oh oh arnie are you watching this yeah whoa i am julianing these potatoes more

more what

julianne the more

okay let me julianne more

oh arnie that time i i uh julianne the potatoes and i drew i uh julianne drew

Sorry, B what in my mouth.

I don't know what they're talking about.

Yeah, I don't either.

What do you see in there?

What do you see in there?

Chunt, we don't see any demons.

We see like some membranes.

Insane.

A lot of curvatures.

Oh, is there like a note from the demon family that says like we're, you know, BRB?

Is it possible that the little demon family is hairs?

Because there's many hairs.

Yeah, there's a lot of hair.

Wow.

Maybe they're hairs.

I don't.

Very fine hairs.

Maybe the hairs are.

Maybe that's the net.

Maybe it's a metaphor what you learned.

Oh, I like that.

Chuck, we think it's a metaphor.

Okay.

Okay.

Could you, sorry, could you touch head on out of there?

But before you go, could you just kind of give that hip hippo compass one or two more whacks?

There you go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

All right.

Oh, oh, oh, my friends, my friends, I feel as if I have finally glimpsed the possibilities of science.

But it it feels as if this was also my last day.

What?

And

I

I may I may be passing I may be passing on.

I don't want to die inside of his ear.

Don't let me die inside of his ear.

No, come with me here.

Grab my hand.

Follow me if you want to live.

Oh, God.

Oh, what is

that was so gross?

Actually, now that I'm out, I think I'm fine.

I got a little earwax on you, but I think you're going to be alright.

Yeah.

Chunt, do you want to be normal size now?

Yeah, I can do that myself.

All right, just asking, huh, okay,

Hans.

I want you to have something before you go.

Yeah, let me reach into my hat where I can.

Again, I don't think I'm dying.

Oh, no, I just meant.

Are you moving into the town?

Until I go back to work, yes.

Right, right, right.

I'm going to reach into my hat, which is bigger on the inside,

and then I'm going to pull this out for you.

Like my mom.

Bigger on the inside?

Hans, I want you to have this.

It's a my first potion set.

Oh,

adorable.

And it's got a little distillation apparatus.

I believe that through

learning the art of potions,

the science of potions, let us say,

that you'll become closer

to making all of your dreams come true.

Oh, thank you so much, Usidor.

I truly think that the wizards, if only they would work together, and if only they would they would think together, that we could find, could find deeper truths about this world.

Also, maybe the next, by which I mean Earth, not death.

That's that's an end.

Yeah.

It's okay, Hans.

I'll tell your wife you love her.

It's okay.

Closing your eyes, closing your eyes.

Again, I don't think I...

I don't think it's quite time yet.

I think it's soon, though.

I just think it's soon.

Stop trying to close his eyes.

I promise this, that I shall continue my quest to defeat evil.

But part of that is opening the eyes of all the ignorant people who ignore the greater truths.

So, Hans,

as you and I have not always seen eye to eye, know this.

I shall continue to fight for truth.

Too many eyes in this speech.

I

would like you to know that I shall always do what I have done, which is to always find a way for I to continue fighting evil.

And part of fighting evil is uncovering the truths, the truth that are lost to the ears and the eyes.

The truth.

He's really making a meal out of it.

Goodbye, friends!

Goodbye, Hans Hoffmann, Science Hoffman.

Goodbye!

Huh.

Just took off there.

Wow.

It was nice to see him again.

We really seem to have lifted his spirits.

I hope so.

I mean, I believe that there's hope to be had still, and though the wizards have vexed me greatly,

I know that if we continue and fight on, that though things may get worse before they get better, they shall get better.

For the moral arc of the universe always bends towards justice.

Yeah, that's not true.

But, you know, the thing I'm i'm concerned about is look i come from a world of science and i believe in science and i believe that science is important and i can even see that how science could be important to this world

but i am suddenly concerned that all the science information that i gave him was mostly about harvesting fossil fuels to make gasoline

And I feel like

maybe I'm not introducing the most useful thing into this sort sort of kind of beautiful world.

But Arnie, don't you see?

You didn't just give him a fish.

You taught him how to pretend to be a fish.

That cow thing is just the spark that's going to ignite the fire.

He's going to start bearing all sorts of cows.

Finding out that I'm guessing probably in 24 hours, they turn into oil.

Is that about right?

24 hours?

No, it takes.

Whew.

Well, he almost died today, so that's...

Carry the one.

Hmm.

Okay.

Well, it gave him something to think about.

Food for thought, Arnie.

Food for thought.

Let's just hope he lives long enough to make another appearance on this podcast.

Oh, I hope so.

I feel like listening to that guy, even though I, you know, was reluctant at first, listening to that guy talk about things was fun and interesting.

Am I crazy?

No, not at all.

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

In fact,

I know that caterpillars

turn into 12 or 11

Mothmen when they finally do matriculate, for lack of a better word.

I imagine if he sent messages back and forth to one of those other Mothmen, that'd be pretty entertaining, too.

Oh, yeah, you think there's other Mothmen, like Franz Mothman or Hans and Franz Mothman?

That would really pump me up.

Why, Arnie, why are you winking?

Let's go back to the tavern.

Earth people are loving that.

On behalf of Earth People Everywhere, or at least people who have spent some time on Earth, I can assure you we're not.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Hans Hoffman, Science Mothman, was played by special guest Hank Green.

Check out Hank's new interview show, Ask Hank Anything, at youtube.com slash complexly.

The second episode goes live on Wednesday.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the latest bonus episode where Arnie, Matt, and Adel do some out-of-character improv with Erin Keith.

Yeah, Jennifer, problem.

Jennifer, is that you?

No, my name is Jen.

It's you, Jennifer.

No.

You got fired fair and square.

No.

No, I did not.

Yes, are you calling to complain about that?

Are you calling to do a fake complaint and waste my time?

I bought a Groupon

for you not being a bitch, and I need to.

Oh, that's interesting!

That's very interesting, Jennifer!

Let me speak to your manager.

Oh, let me speak to your manager.

Oh, I did have a manager, and her name was Jennifer, and she got fired because she's the worst.

I'm so sorry.

My job.

Who's the new manager?

Is it you?

Oh, let me.

You want to speak to my manager?

Give me one second.

You're turning around in your chair.

I can hear it.

I can hear you turning in your chair.

You can't hear shit, Jennifer.

Hi, it's Marie, the manager here at Group on Customer Service.

How can I help you today?

To hear the rest and to vote on all the March Magic matchups, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

To avoid all of that, stay right here with me.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern Theme by Andy Poman.