Season 5, Ep 44 - Coach (w/ Rekha Shankar)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But the sun is up, the coffee is brewing, downtown is bustling, dinner is on the table, the stars are in the sky, you're in bed, and whoops, you forgot to listen to the podcast.

You'll get it tomorrow.

Once again, the sun is up, the coffee is reflecting the full moon in the night sky, and damn it, it happened again.

One more try.

You wake up, you've gotten permanent instructions tattooed on both your palms, headphones are duct taped to your face, and finally, you have no choice but to sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years ago in 11 months, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use it to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

CuzBuzz or something.

Cuz?

Cuz Buzz.

Oh, that's, yeah, cuz, cousin.

I don't know.

You know, sometimes I call you friend.

Sometimes I call you cousin, because we're both.

I know.

Yeah, it's so weird to be friend and family.

Yeah, I mean, usually it's family and enemies or friends and lovers but or i don't know what the other combinations are uh lovers and enemies

um co-workers and doctors okay um yes clowns and kissing

oh kissing clowns buddies and pharmacists okay what are the other big ones and those are all big ones already What are those other big ones?

Now, to be clear, you said those in order of how common they are.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

In reverse common order.

Because the most common is fuckbuddies and pharmacists.

Is that what you said?

Arnie, I have to keep telling you this, I guess.

Anytime someone lists something in terms of commonality or how common it is or how widespread it is,

it starts from the bottom and goes to the top.

Yeah, we started at the bottom, now we're here.

Like that alphabet man used to do.

What alphabet man?

The alphabet man who would count up and tell these hilarious lists.

He would go from town to town, saying, These are the top 10 things.

I'm Alphabet Man, and here is my top 10.

Yeah, he'd have those cards, he'd sit at a desk.

Arnie Alphabet Man.

Okay,

it took me a minute, but I think I'm remembering Alphabet Man.

Absolutely.

And you just heard his voice, but I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos,

Champion of the the great halls of Tarakis.

The elves know me as Fianyalik.

The dwarves know me as Zonan and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

And I have secret names, names I shall ne'er dare to utter aloud.

For if I were to do so, most assuredly my enemies' hearts would turn to birds, and the birds would peck through their very chests, ripping out sinew and bone and rib as they did fly away into the sky.

What a horrible way to die.

Yeah, that's why I don't say it.

Sure, absolutely.

You know,

Chant, you sort of, would you either of you like something to drink?

I'd love something to drink, sure.

What do you want?

You're offering to get us a drink?

Yeah.

Like, get up and walk to the other side of the room?

Yeah, just to the barn back.

This is wildly out of character.

Oh,

my gosh, who are you?

Who are you?

No, it's me.

It's Arnie.

Say something only Arnie would know.

Greatest warrior in all of Foon.

I'm from another world.

What's next?

He said, What's next?

It is him.

Sorry, buddy.

Sorry, Cuz.

Well, I would love an ale, but

I'm loath to believe you're willing to get up and fetch it for us.

Yeah, I think.

Oh, how to play this.

I think, Ernie, since Usidor and I have gotten the last...

Let me pull up my notepad.

Since Isidor and I have gotten the last 4,268 rounds,

I might use this opportunity to get some liquid beef.

Liquid beef?

Okay.

Yes, the most expensive.

That sounds good.

Can I also have a liquid beef?

Fine.

Two liquid beefs.

All right, and I will get up and walk to the bar.

If the bartender's confused, just ask for a liquef.

I've already walked away.

Didn't hear you?

How are you doing, big guy?

I'm doing wonderfully, Chuck.

How are thou?

Pretty good, pretty good.

Now, I must ask, while Arnie is gone, what are we going to get him for his birthday?

Oh, I know.

Um,

I know

it was a couple months ago, but I can't wait until ten months from now.

I know he's always not saying how much he likes limericks, so that makes me think he does like them and he doesn't want to be too obvious, so I think a limerick might be fun.

Okay, uh, did you have one in mind?

No, not that I can say on mic these way before.

Uh, what about you?

Any thoughts?

Any dabblings?

There once was a man from Dagnabit.

Oh, sorry.

About idy gift at all.

Oh, other gifts.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

I'm on my way back, so if you're telling secrets, I'm...

Okay, here I am.

I'm back.

Here is your meat juice.

And you ordered your meat juice?

Oh, meat juice.

Isn't that what you ordered?

Barney, buddy.

I wanted liquid beef.

Liquid beef.

Oh, okay.

If it's not liquid beef, it's imitation.

I'm sorry.

I guess I was wondering why this meat juice was so inexpensive.

That's their slogan.

They've been painting it on birds everywhere.

Birds, nature's billboards.

Huh?

Look, guys, I got to be honest.

There's a reason why I'm walking a little bit more than usual.

My phone has a little bit of access to Earth Wi-Fi, and I've been doing a new app.

It's kind of hard to explain, where I track my steps, but to make it fun, it's as if I am walking to Mordor, which is

a oh god, I don't even.

So in my world, there's a series of books

that were eventually turned into a series of movies and set in a fantasy world where the hero has to walk up ring of power to a horrible place called Mordor to have it destroyed.

I must have this ring.

Mordor, is that like Usidor?

Is that any relation?

Mordor and Usidor?

That's true.

They do sound similar.

That sort of makes me suspect Usidor for the first time ever.

What?

But I am a champion for the forces of righteousness.

Well, anyway, I'm using this app to kind of get my steps, and it's like, how long is it going to take me to get to Mordor?

And again, this is not a sponsorship or anything like that.

I'm not going to say the name of the app.

There are several of them.

I'm not going to say some of them are bad.

Some of them are probably fine.

Okay.

So don't worry about it.

But anyway, I am trying to walk to Mordor, tracking my steps.

Arnie,

this might be stupid.

I'm sorry if it is.

Couldn't you just have like a big bird take your phone and drop it off at Mordor?

Wouldn't that just cut out the middleman?

I guess so.

I have a different follow-up question, and it is this.

I have asked you for nearly a decade now to go on many different quests and adventures, and you always turned me down.

And now you want to go on some pretend adventure?

Look.

Do you imagine how many steps you could have gotten if we had gone to fight the dragon of Wathathal together?

Yeah, but I would prefer to have an adventure on my phone.

Does that make sense?

No.

Oh, fuck.

Like, I don't want to have a real adventure.

I want to have an adventure on my phone.

Wait, Chunch, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

Ball just hit me in the fucking face.

Oh, my nose is broken.

What is this?

Here.

Oh, that was so hard.

Let me hit your face with this healing rock.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, who?

Who threw that?

Who threw that ball?

That would be me.

Oh,

hello.

Welcome.

Please join us at the table.

It's our guest here.

Please have a seat.

Oh, yeah.

Get off your horse and go ahead and have a seat.

This is part of the package, my friend.

Oh, that was very rude.

Oh, shit.

That plant was so well placed.

I thought you were a centaur.

I'm so sorry.

I thought you were a guy on a horse.

Hey, it's okay.

You look pretty crazy.

So,

anyway,

I

threw that ball over here because,

you know, I was talking to the bartender.

I said, you know, I can't find anybody for my new league of basketball players.

Oh,

you heard of basketball?

I have.

Basketball is a sport back.

Look, I'm from another world.

Basketball is a sport on my world.

And what's your name?

My name is Arnie.

Hi, Arnie.

Guy.

By the way, I'm Coach Brost Moonwalker.

And that's interesting you have basketball in your world because I'm kind of revolutionizing the damn thing over here.

You know, what's your basketball like?

Well, in my world, if this makes any sense, basketball is a sport coached by your dad.

And your dad spends his whole career coaching basketball.

And

so everyone asks you, like, hey, are you good at basketball?

And you have to be like, no, not really.

But that's okay.

It's a

family game.

Is that similar to how basketball works on this world?

Well, I wouldn't say that anybody on my team is related to me, but we're a family in the metaphorical sense, you know?

You know, team-wise.

It's two groups, five players.

You know, each side's trying to get the ball to the other person's hoop.

And if they do, they all get a little pizza party afterwards.

That's basketball.

Holy shit.

So two groups, five players, so two and two.

And then...

I hate to ask it, does one person have to like bisect themselves?

You know, it's interesting because

everybody on the team is already a centaur.

So

what it is, is it's actually,

if you want to be technical, it's three centaurs and three centaurs.

Or no, what?

And are they all playing centaur?

They're all set power centaur, centaur,

small centaur.

Point centaur.

Chung so forward.

You're being so forward.

I do apologize.

That's your name.

Okay.

Well, I hate to tell you, kid, you don't got it.

I thought from over there, I was talking to the bartender.

I was like, I think that kid over there has got it.

You know?

That's why you threw me a chess pass.

I got to say, this ball has the density of a dead star.

Oh, it better.

My boys are strong.

If they, you know, we've tried, we've tried some of the lighter balls on my boys.

They throw it in the space.

It's crazy.

They're too strong.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a terrible way to lose balls.

If you're throwing them all into space, I imagine their games can never be completed because there are five centaurs staring, looking at other five other centaurs waiting for a ball to reappear.

Oh, it's brutal.

Now, I gotta say,

and I'm no expert on basketball, and it's impressive that they have the strength to throw it up into space, but is it also possible they're throwing the ball too much directly up and not at an angle, like to get it in the the hoop.

Well, Arnie, hence the reason I am a drinking tonight, okay?

My team ain't no good.

They practice and boy, do they have a lot of heart, but man,

these kids, I cannot whip them into shape.

And I have to imagine...

From what I know of centaur culture,

that they get the ball in their hand and they look at it longingly through their beautiful mystical eyes and they say, the moon i hold the very globe of the moon in my hand and they throw it towards the moon because they are so reverent for the moon sometimes you hate when a stereotype is true and yet it is

i cannot stop these boys from making odes to the moon on the court they're waxing poetic they're waxing they're waning poetic they're doing everything they can about the moon

And I'm like, boys, boys, focus on the hoop.

One time, man, this was when we were trying to get to regionals last year.

I had a guy paint the moon, a beautiful replica of our moon, onto the backboard of the hoop.

Boys, boys, focus over there.

They're focusing on their own hoop.

They each scored on their own hoop.

I said, This doesn't count.

This isn't a game.

Yeah, right.

How old are your players, if you don't mind my asking?

So, uh, in

I don't know what kind of years you guys use.

In Centaur years, they're all between 400 and 450.

So they're almost, they're pretty young.

Very bad.

They're the young guides, yeah.

Pretty short lifespan for the sport, unfortunately.

That's why I don't play myself.

I don't know in Earth years or your Earthling, kind of whatever place you're from, years.

It might be like 19.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

I feel like.

I feel like that's pretty accurate.

I mean, I don't know.

I'm not good at math, but that sounds about right.

Hey, me either.

I apparently can't count how many of these boys are on my team, but I do know that they eat like crazy.

Uh-huh.

Arnie, did you know that there are 40 centaur years in every single calendar year?

I didn't know that.

Wow.

That's true.

Yeah.

Coach Prof, I see you have like a chain around your neck with like a big pan flute.

Is that so you can, like, you know, during practices and stuff, sort of get their attention and call plays and stuff?

Yeah, so

normally when you, you know, my

cousin coaches a bunch of halflings.

I got an uncle who coaches a bunch of,

you know, little elves and stuff.

Everybody's got their own way to call their boys.

My boys need a pan flute, you know, and I wish it was kind of a Pied Piper thing where they'd follow me, but they start to listen to the music and they get enraptured.

But it's the only way to get them all to at least stop and look at me, you know?

It's hard.

It's hard.

How do you wrangle teenage boys?

Oh, tell me about it.

You've done this?

Yeah, I trained a dog to wrangle teenage boys, but they ate the dog.

The appetite is sort of unbelievable.

Yeah, they're so hungry.

They are so hungry.

My poor wife, she's filling up.

Oh,

you grabbed the bike real close there when you said my poor wife.

My poor wife.

My poor wife, she's rustling up, I don't know, four refrigerators full of steak for these boys per night, per game.

They blow through it.

They need the protein.

Super cubes.

I'm sorry, Ani.

Have we told you about refrigerators?

I'm so sorry if you haven't heard about refrigerators.

Oh, I don't think I have heard about refrigerators.

Alligators who swallow ice and then.

Yeah, you just keep

your alligator really cold and you can keep your food in it.

Okay.

And what's great is they're ever expanding.

I mean, very rarely are you going to burst the belly of an

refrigerator.

And it's easy to say.

that's what we love about it.

Refrigerator.

What?

Are you drunk?

Hello.

My team is bad.

I've had two grogs.

I'm allowed two grogs.

That's fair.

Coach, maybe we've seen the posters for your team around.

What team do you coach in the league?

I coach the Gates.

Do you know the Gates, the Golden Gates?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, you probably haven't really seen them on some posters, or if you have, they're underneath another poster.

Cause, um, you know, we're losing to the Colts, we're losing to the dark horses, we're losing to the Dressages,

Centaur Heels, the Centaur Heels.

Okay, let's go.

Okay,

the 76 horses.

We're losing to the full horses.

I imagine an all-centaur league of basketball players would be quite upset about being called the 76 Horses, since Centaurs are so famously not horses.

To me, I think it's offensive.

I think they need to change the name.

But they say, what?

It's history.

And I say, that's not right.

That's not right.

You don't know the culture.

Is it common for there to be a sport in Foon where the name of every team is offensive?

Like the mascot of every team is offensive to the players.

You're saying, is that possible?

I'm just saying, is it common?

It sounds like that's what's what's happening with basketball.

With basketball, I think spite is a huge part of the sport.

Unfortunately, it has become a huge part of it.

So you get drafted to a team called, you know,

what is your species?

What are you?

I'm a human.

So, okay, so let's say you get drafted to the

astral humans.

Okay,

that's kind of pissing you off, isn't it?

I see it.

Yeah, but it's not pissing me off as much as what at first I thought you were going to call me yeah

astral humans what'd you think i was going to say when i said astral humans at first i thought you said i get drafted to the asshole humans team okay even better if that's where you're from you're from asshole so if you get drafted to the asshole humans it's gonna piss you off right maybe piss you off so bad you're gonna try to play so good that you get that you leave your coach who who might have named that team and you know but unfortunately you're just gonna go to another team with a terrible name too so yeah

The sport needs to be worked on.

Yeah.

Arnie, you said you were from Ohio.

That's like the asshole of your world, right?

I mean, Ohio.

Look,

it's better than Indiana.

That's all I'll say.

Indiana.

It's a beautiful game.

Yeah.

Beautiful name.

Ah, Indiana.

And

Coach Brock, I got to say, I agree with you.

Like, in the olden days, there was a lot wrong with the game.

I remember there was a, or a very, very tall centaur named Wilt Chambermaid, and he was mostly playing against like janitors and blacksmiths and stuff like that, where it's like, this game was their side job, you know?

But I feel like nowadays, there's enough money in the sport where people can really focus on it and,

you know, have enough money for, you know, a home, a family, food.

It's a great living if you can get if you can get there.

It's a terrible living with your guy guy like me that puts all his time and effort into a bunch of boys who don't want to make it work, you know?

I could have had the opportunity.

Man,

do you know

Michael Jorhorst?

Oh, we all know Michael Jorhorst.

He's the most famous basketball player.

You don't forget a name like Michael Jorhorst.

Man.

I had an opportunity.

I was walking by a basketball court one day and I dropped all of my groceries on the floor.

There's stuff rolling around everywhere and I'm kneeling down to pick it up and I see a young Michael Jorhorse

do the most beautiful slam dunk.

A slam dunk is when you jump from all the way across the court to slam the ball into the other hoop.

It's miraculous.

It's beautiful.

And it looked so good.

I hadn't believed in myself as a coach at that point.

I thought, I can't be a coach.

I'm probably just going to be crunching numbers in the back.

You know, that's what my degree's in, crunching numbers.

And

you know, so I didn't, I didn't go up to him.

I wanted to be like, Would you want to work with me?

Would you want to train one-on-one?

Became the best guy in the league.

Wow, amazing.

Good old number 232323.

Wow, it's the one that got away.

Also, you fit on a jersey on a centaur because it's a lot more body.

Centaurs have big jerseys, that's true.

Do you remember his hoof game where he had an injured hoof and a

man?

Oh man.

No, wait, I think I've heard of Michael Jorhorth, but I always thought he played mittens.

Yeah, he tried to play mittens for a couple seasons.

He was okay.

And people say, I'm not trying to beat the town gossip or whatever, but people say he did that to cover up some like kind of untoward business he was doing where he had to leave basketball.

I don't know.

Yeah, they said his dad might have gotten into a, you know, some sort of dealings with a warlock or something i don't know i don't know yeah uh coach broth you were telling arnie about the the shoe game oh the hoof game oh my god this was unbelievable some people call it the horseshoe game but yes it was horseshoe game honestly sounds better yeah

arnie this was unbelievable you wouldn't know this but sports can be really important to people here you know and food

people can really build an identity around it and there's this one game it was a championship game and the night before,

Michael Jorhorst had some, what was it, the freaking gruel delivered to his door.

I heard freaking gruel.

Has anyone else eaten it freaking gruel?

Freaking gruel got a lot of fack after what happened, what's about to happen.

So he ordered for freaking gruel.

He got their mess plate and he was digging in.

He's a big guy.

You know, I already told you what these boys are eating.

This is a big centaur man.

And he gets so sick, he slips and falls and cracks his hoof.

Okay, terrible.

Terrible.

Awful.

Arnie, this was in the finals against the Utah Jizz.

The Utah Jizz.

Again, just an offensive sounding name, like an insulting name.

Arnie, you should see their mascot.

It's horrible.

It's disgusting.

You don't want to know.

I certainly won't explain it in graphic detail.

That would be quite upsetting.

No one wants to think about it in graphic detail right now.

So, anyway,

the next day,

what do you think this guy does?

You think he sits in his bed, kind of licking his paws, crying, saying, I'm not going to play.

Oh, I can't play.

No, no, no.

He charges onto the court with a broken hoof, and he scores 82 slam dunks in a row.

Wow, in a row.

In a row.

In a row.

Is unbelievable.

The craziest part about it was the referee had to keep putting up new hoops so he could just keep doing it.

In a row?

I don't, okay.

I don't even fully understand what in a row means.

The other team never got the ball.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

They never got the ball.

You said your dad coached basketball and you don't know about 82 slam dunks in a row?

We'll explain it during the break.

Any, we have to take a quick break.

Coach, I'll get you a grog.

Thank you.

No, no, wait.

I'll do the steps.

I got the steps.

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So, Arnie, how many steps closer to more door are you?

Well,

I've been doing it for about 42 days, and I have gone about 87 miles.

Oh, wow.

Coach,

how's is your drink tasty?

Is that sufficient?

It's good.

It's good.

I mean you know I try not to drink when I'm too depressed so that doesn't amplify my depression but I think today I need it.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I'm just it's so cool to have a sorry a coach here.

Do you mind if I ask have you thought about like this offseason any any trades happening or

any drafts coming up?

This is probably my number one problem as a coach.

i'll never trade any of my boys

really

what if they get

what if they get so hurt that they can't play put up sticks in their place to while they recover i just

have players that have been injured they um you you send them upstate for a farm league you said they're on a farm league upstate they're on a farm league if they get too sick yeah

May I make a suggestion?

Yeah.

If one of your players gets too sick, there's no rule saying that a dog can't play centaur basketball.

There's no rule that says a dog can't play centaur basketball?

That's right.

So I would just put a dog in there and maybe put like a horse mask on it or something.

I don't know.

Well, the horse mask would make it a reverse centaur.

It would be part horse and part.

I would have to put a mask of, say, your face on it.

My face?

Yeah, otherwise it's a tar sin.

And coach, I got to say, if you do get that dog, don't train it to corral teenagers because, again.

It doesn't work.

They'll They'll eat it, yeah.

God.

They will eat that dog.

See, these kids drive me crazy, but I love them.

I love them, and I'll never trade them.

I'll never trade them.

One of them could freaking kill me.

I would never trade my boys.

The other coaches in the league are constantly trading their boys, but I just can't do it to them.

I can't.

I won't draft anybody.

Coach, I have to ask,

your wife, you mentioned that you were married.

How does she feel about your career choices and your unwillingness to trade away your boys?

And I'm sorry, what was your wife's name?

Meredith.

Meredith.

Oh, okay.

Oh, and Coach grabbed the mic again and is sort of pacing back and forth while he talks about his wife.

I just love her so much.

She's the apple of my eye, the sugar cube of my life.

She just

is a wonderful gal.

She supports me.

She makes steaks for all my boys.

She re-stitches all my jackets I rip because I'm too upset after the games.

She's just the most supportive wife she could be.

After the games, you rip up your shirts?

Oh, my jackets and my shirts get ripped up because I get so mad.

I get so mad at my boys, but I love them.

Are you one of those coaches who throws your whole stable onto the court?

My God, I've done that once or twice in my early days.

I've learned to control the anger through

kind of stomping and hoofing around and spitting and stuff and ripping my jacket.

Oh, yeah.

But yeah, I've definitely thrown a stable or two in my early days.

Sure.

So, Coach Broth, you said that you would never let your boys go, but never, I'm never letting them go.

What if one of them decides they don't want to play basketball anymore?

Like, can they go of their own volition?

I guess if one of my boys wanted to divorce the sport entirely, I would

let him go.

But I'd, of course, say, why?

You know, was it me?

Did I hold on too tight?

Was I not good enough?

Um, are you leaving me for another coach?

I mean, if you've put three or four hundred centaur years on in on these boys, the least they could give you is some sort of explanation.

I think that's fair.

Yeah,

and I'm praying none of them do it, none of them have done it yet, but you know, I want to be a good coach, so I guess if they really want to leave to do something crazy like mittens or whatever, then uh, I would let him.

I'd be broken to bits about it, but I'd let him.

Do you know something?

Is that why you're asking?

I was just thinking, from my experience, you know, I played a little bit basketball when I was in junior high.

Okay, wait, catch this.

No, again, I was not good.

Ow.

All right, you're not.

Yeah, you're not in.

Okay, continue.

But what if you had two more legs?

Aeroth Troto Coppola.

Ooh, Ooh, not where I would have thought.

Yeah, not what I would have expected.

Oh, my God.

Although this might help me walk to Mordor.

I mean,

it's not as bad as the Utah Jiz, but I'm going to undo it anyway.

Hold on, hold on.

Why did the legs go there?

Well, I was just sort of freewheeling it.

I just tried to...

I cast a spell to add some extra legs to Arnie, and that's just, you know, who knew they were going to come out of the shoulders?

And what out of the belly button?

They came out of the shoulders and the belly button.

They came out curly cute like

a fry.

Yeah, I mean, they're almost like a pube that's a leg.

Having extra legs coming out of my shoulders makes it look like I'm going down on myself.

Ew.

I'm going to undo this.

Ava, tatak.

Oh, taba.

Already stopped.

Oh, oh, thank god.

Ew, oh, thank you.

Thank gossist.

Thank gossip.

Yeah, he's back to.

That's what he always looks like.

Brutal.

Brutal to have two legs in his defense he's trying to walk more

well so coach broth do do your players ever get to like go to like a professional game and see some of the famous players like kobe bry horse oh yeah i've taken them to see a few games out of my own freaking pocket too i they've seen um

horse carry

They've seen,

which is delicious, by the way.

Okay, I don't do that.

I don't do that.

They've seen

there's so many, it's hard to like pick one off the top of your head, right?

Oh, um, uh, nay, namond, um, uh, namond greened, yeah, it's a horse that won't stop neighing.

Oh, I said or, I'm sorry, uh, but it nays, which is weird.

Yes, um, yes, they've seen um

you get it, yeah, we get it.

We've been seeing a lot of these guys.

Yannis onto the coop horse.

Who are the other big ones?

Larry Horse.

Larry Horse.

Magic Horsen.

Yeah.

Yeah, Anthony Black Horse.

Doctor Horse.

Stallion O'Neal.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Big centaur.

Horsey.

Horsey Horsen.

Yes.

Kareem Humptil Horse.

This is easy.

This is easy.

I take them as often as I can, and I try to point out: here's what this guy's doing.

You see that pass?

You see that?

You see that?

This is the stuff they're doing behind the scenes.

These are the strings.

I don't know.

These boys are just soft-headed.

They don't get it.

They have the haunches, but they don't got the brains.

They have the heart, but they don't got the reflexes, you know?

Well, perhaps, if you'd like, I could create some sort of potion that would give them the reflexes that they've always needed.

Aye, for I am a great wizard, one of the greatest wizards and all of Foon.

And if you have a magical boon you wish to have ask of me, I shall grant it.

And all I ask in return is you don't allow your centaur brethren to join forces with the wizards who would do so much evil in this world

raising their armies right now against us all.

I don't know if you're talking about basketball, but the wizards changed their name.

They thought it was insensitive.

Because they used to be the Swords, and they thought that was too violent, and then they changed to the Wizards, and that seemed weird.

Are you talking about the team, the Wizards, or Wizards, Wizards?

I was talking about like Spintax and Janlevia.

My actuals.

Okay, I'm not sure.

We're all being huge dickheads right now.

Holy crud, Yushidor, if that's true, I will absolutely take a potion to fix my boys.

I mean, I'll do anything to get...

But wait a minute.

Would they know that it wasn't coming from within?

Would they know it was coming from some juice?

I've got to be honest with you.

It was all a trick.

The potion was just going to be water that smelled a little bit like the moon.

Oh, crud.

I wish I didn't know that.

I gave water.

Oh, crud.

I'm not sure.

Yeah, I could just put some but fl.

on the bottom of their hooves.

Would that help?

No, would it give them artificial help and it wouldn't really be coming from them?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I mean, if their heart's in it, though, they just could jump higher.

It's sort of bouncing around.

I just want to see somebody use flubber.

I mean, I just think it would be great.

I think you could use flubber, but my boys are too honest.

They're honest, they're good, and they're terrible at the game.

No, Isadora, I have to say nay to your offer

of

horse growth hormones and all of that.

I want my boys to succeed on their own merit or keep not succeeding on their own merit.

I understand.

Coach Broth, you seem so depressed.

Like, is it possible you're putting too much pressure on yourself with your job?

Like, and maybe focus on the other things in your life that make you happy?

Like, what?

Meredith's probably gonna leave me in like three seconds.

No,

coach, don't say that.

Yeah,

is there tension in your marriage?

The only tension is I'm a bad husband.

Alright,

what if we attach some flubber to Meredith Moonwalker?

No,

she just keeps bouncing back into your house every time she tries to leave.

You could really do that to my gal?

Sure.

I mean, it's morally reprehensible, but...

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I wouldn't do it to my boys, but by gum, I'm gonna keep my wife.

Well, okay, I suppose I'll just have to whip up some flubber here.

Just give me a few minutes.

Here, while you get the flubber together, why don't we take another break?

Are you sure?

Yeah.

People don't want us.

Because all the noises when you make the flubber, it's terrible.

We do not want that on the podcast.

That's true.

Yeah, actually, Coach, would you mind blowing your pan flute and we'll use a timeout to go to break?

Okay, great.

Stop eating corn on the cob.

Yes, Arnie, about 40 centaur years for every traditional foonish year.

So I would be about, I'd say, 14,000 years old in centaur years.

Yeah, I didn't ask for that math.

I don't know why you're telling me this, Isidor.

Yeah, you're too old for the sport, Isidor.

I'm sorry, but you aged out.

I understand.

It happens to the best of us.

But in during the break, while I was doing math to delight and enrage Arnie, I also was able to create some flubber.

Incredible.

So I just attached this to my wife's hoofs, and then she's not gonna leave me.

Well,

you could do that, but how would you feel?

Oh, I thought you were gonna say something.

Oh, no, I was just gonna change the channel.

I was not gonna chunt.

I think I would feel freaking awesome if I knew she was never gonna leave me ever in my whole life.

Chunt, Chunt, this sort of backfired on me.

I thought

another flubber test or something.

Oh, also, I don't know how the flubber is going to consistently work like that.

Like, she could bounce anywhere.

Like, yeah, she could bounce back in the house, but she could also be in the house and accidentally bounce out of the house.

That's a great point, Ani.

I'm going to go ahead and do it.

Let her get away.

Where's your wife stayed right now?

She at your house or are you in town?

Yeah, she's at our stable down the street.

Probably doing something really nice, like sewing up all my clothes and probably watching some good-hearteds crying just eating apples like a little angel.

She does sound like an angel.

I'm going to go now down the street to the stable and I'll attach the flubber to her hooves.

Thank you so much, Usador.

You don't feel guilty about this at all.

No, I love it.

Bye.

Now, Coach Broth, when you were younger, did you have aspirations to be a basketball player?

Yeah, but who cares?

I was never made for the sport, you know?

You weren't made for the sport?

You weren't good?

No, I wasn't good.

I was too slow.

I was clopping around.

I couldn't focus.

I'd start thinking about, oh, does my friend like me or not?

Does my teacher think I'm stupid?

Should I, should I waste my time?

Is my fuck buddy a pharmacist?

What?

No.

Yeah, so I just, I could never get good, but I knew I wanted it.

I wanted to play.

So, you know, I ended up going through the math route where I became a number cruncher,

you know, and doing accounting for some teams.

And then I thought, nah, I couldn't be a coach.

And then, you know, Meredith was like, why not?

And I went, holy crap, she's so freaking smart.

Why not?

And so I started to become a coach.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Yeah, I was going to say, even just from you walking over from the bar,

no offense, but it seems like you have more of a trot than a canter.

I've heard that before.

But your wife sounds like, I mean, the fact that she chimed in and gave you the courage to coach, I mean, that's a beautiful story and sounds like a lovely woman, of course,

centaur.

Do you guys have lovely people in your life to encourage you when you don't think you could do something?

Yeah, I mean, I have my cousin Arnie here.

Yeah, and I have this app on my phone that encourages me to walk all the way to Mordor.

So we all have someone.

Wow, it is so beautiful that you have an app that is by your side all the time.

Thick and thin, sickness and health.

That's very don't cherish that.

Did you say thickness and health?

Was that your vows?

Was that part of you?

Do you mind sharing your vows with me?

I guess for a horse, thickness and health makes sense.

I could share my vows.

I remember them.

I said, Meredith, you are my moon, and thus, here is my ode to you.

You are the moon above a glistening pond.

You are the moon above

the stable of my heart.

I will love you in thickness and in health.

That's my favorite part.

That is to say, if we become enormous or

are healthy, what are the two?

And we promise not to look each other in the mouth.

Yes.

We'll never look each other in the mouth.

We will always hold each other.

Hold your horses.

You will drag each other to

hold your horses too.

Meredith.

Meredith.

I'm just realizing, M-A-R-E-D-I-T-H?

Correct.

Usudor brought me back here.

He was going to attach the flubber to me, but instead, I heard our beautiful vows.

And I've fallen in love with you all over again.

Oh my god, Meredith, even though I'm a freaking shit-for-brains coach.

Even though you're a shit-for-brains coach, you're the worst coach who's ever coached.

No!

Less encouraging than I thought it was.

And I love you.

I love you.

I want you to keep coaching.

Keep your eye on the bottom of that.

Keep your eye on the bottom of that hole and keep digging.

Thanks for clearing your throat.

You sounded a little hoarse.

I'm a big horse.

No, sorry, I wasn't sure.

She's a big horse.

Chunt.

I really tried to infant the horse either.

She's thick as hell, Chunt.

Shut up.

Hey, what's your name, little guy?

Uh, me?

Yeah, you.

I'm

Chunt.

You want to come to my stable sometime while he's coaching?

Oh, um,

for

first watching Scrying?

I'm gonna buy drinks for everyone while I don't listen to this conversation.

Drinks for everyone, I'm in love again and again.

Oh boy.

Well,

I think I've uh managed to bring them back together.

Uh, it seems like all they're gonna be fine now.

You know, I think something I'm learning is that the interpersonal relationships of people are very complicated.

We shouldn't meddle or try to fix them.

And if someone is just like over-fixating on sports, maybe

that's not so bad.

Maybe that's actually a good thing.

Ani, if I wasn't meddling and fixing things, what the hell would I be doing?

I don't know.

Guys, help me lift up this barrel of mead.

We're gonna dump it on Coach.

It's an honorific on the count of three.

One, two,

three.

I wasted.

Wow, most of that went right in his mouth.

Wow, that'd be important.

It's kind of unbelievable how much went in his his mouth.

Very good.

I'll charge a bone.

All of it went down my throat.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Centaurs are big, but that might be a dangerous amount of mead.

I can drive.

I'll drive, buddy.

I'll drive.

Meredith,

give me your horseshoes.

Crazy.

No, give me your horseshoes.

You guys are in no shape to pull a cart.

Give me your bit.

Oh, I'm going to bite down in the bit.

Okay, things are getting weird now.

Should we be watching this?

No, no, no, Arnie, Arnie.

Let it play out.

Hey, Meredith.

You know how I'm always doing my dreams and you're always supporting me?

Yeah.

What are your dreams?

I've always wanted to visit the moon.

Wow.

What if we take the next couple years and visit the moon together?

And I pass these boys on to someone else for the time being.

Sure, Arnie.

Yeah.

You said something earlier to me about a basketball team and your familiarity with the sport.

Yeah.

Could your dad coach my team?

Huh?

Oh, he's offering you the reins.

He's retired and he's in another world.

Wow.

And for a moment, I was worried that you were going to make me coach that team.

It was too cool.

No.

Hey, Literally, literally, no.

You could not even catch the ball when I threw it earlier, and you need an app to tell you to take steps.

I'm not going to give you my boys.

Can you imagine somebody passing Arnie the ball, him having to take out his phone, open up the app, wait for a signal, look at the app, take a few steps?

It's not efficient.

Yeah.

You can't, I was just kidding earlier when I said it was beautiful.

He had an app.

I think that stinks.

I think that's so sad yeah um and if i'm sorry can you excuse me for just a second um usador usador yes what do you still have that flubber

yes you should put the flubber on both the centaurs hooves

and they'll maybe they'll bounce to the moon can't they just sign up for a cruise like everyone else wait there are cruises to the moon Sure, how do you think you get there?

Arnie, one of these days, to the moon.

I mean, I'll pay for a.

Sorry, I don't know why I bought a way.

You said that very aggressively.

Well, I'm saying I'll pay for a.

Oh, oh, coach.

Huh?

That's it.

I have a perfect solution.

Coach Broth,

surely you know, every 25 years, there is a thing called

Stardunk.

Yeah.

You know, there's that song, come on, get up, everybody, and stardunk.

It's where all the creatures of the galaxy, of the sky, will challenge Foon teams after stealing their powers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But your boys don't have any powers.

Yeah.

So enter your team into the stardunk.

The creatures in the sky will take your boys' power, thereby giving them real powers, and they'll finally win.

And it all takes place on the moon.

Holy crap.

It could be good that my boys don't have powers because if you are someone with powers and you take the ability of having no powers, then you don't have powers.

And then probably because you're so full of not having powers, all your powers leak out and will go into my boys.

Yep, once the channels are open, that makes total sense.

Okay, I am absolutely entering my boy.

Hey, Meredith, I'm literally so sorry.

This is going to be a work trip.

Okay, fine.

So sorry about everything I said before.

I take it back.

Gonna take a nice romantic trip to the moon and now it's a basketball thing again.

Absolutely.

You got it, baby.

We're gonna turn this into a work trip.

Turn this into a big work trip, but this time it's going to work out.

I promise you.

You know what?

I support you, and I believe you.

And I love you.

She's perfect.

She's kissing.

Arnie, she's kissing.

No, thank you.

She want to come with me to the moon, little guy.

I'm good.

Thank you so much, though.

Thank you.

She's so perfect, and she loves only me.

Well, we've done it again.

Saved another marriage, Arnie.

How do you feel?

I'm not sure.

I mean, now I just feel angry that I'm not coaching that basketball team.

Arnie, would it make you feel less angry if we could classify the podcast from now on as a relationship advice podcast?

If it'll get us more listeners.

I mean, at first,

then people would listen.

And more angry emails.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think at this point, the angry emails are a given.

My favorites are the ones from the FCC, saying, We don't have anything on you yet, but one day you'll get sloppy.

And there will be.

Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffai.

Broth Moonwalker was played by special guest Reika Shunker.

Check out Rekha's newsletter at buttondown.com slash Reika Shunker and her videos on Instagram at Reika underscore s.

Hear that?

It's the sound of no new t-shirts.

It's also the sound of my smile, that rarest of astrological phenomena.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

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Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

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