Season 5, Ep 43 - Business Night

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And not in a fun, what is real and what isn't severance kind of way.

More in a, this just doesn't seem believable, young Sheldon kind of way.

But you've hit the play button and sound is dripping out of the audio device in front of you.

Might as well get on with it.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

I call this meeting of Hello from the Magic Tavern to order, a first order of business, Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niking.

I object.

No.

You said, what part of it do you object to?

Well, I think that you should say, hello from the magic tavern.

I am the greatest warrior in all of Foon.

Arnold Niekamp, none shall defeat me.

None shall stand on my grave, for I shall live for all time.

All right, and Chunt, you're taking notes, right?

Uh, yes.

Could you read that back?

You said I'm the Stenog Stenogopher.

Um, Stenog gopher?

Something

gopher.

Uh, so, let's see.

I wrote down minutes.

And then I said, chunt here.

How's everybody doing?

Good.

Then it says, I object.

Something, something, rambling, rambling.

You said or bullshit.

Arnie said that back chunt.

Okay, great.

All of them have key points.

And you said stenog gopher is your favorite part of Love Boat.

Oh, yes.

Let's carve out some time on the Patreon for me to talk about Love Boat.

for a long time.

Someone might get a little spicy.

Mercy, Arnie, please.

I I want to hear more about this police academy.

One through six.

But then after six, they start to go downhill.

Oh.

But up through there.

Pure gold.

Hey, guys, second order of business.

One of my co-hosts introduced themselves.

Oh, I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius.

Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down.

He's writing all this down.

Magical delights.

Devourer

of Of chaos.

Champion of

the Great.

Halls.

Halls of Tarakis.

Of T.

Just an apostrophe there.

Where's the apostrophe?

It's right after the R.

You seem unsure.

You seem to remember.

No, no, no, no.

I'm pretty sure that's right.

I'm known today elves as Fian Yalik.

Yeah.

It's F-I, apostrophe A-N-G.

I think I got it.

I know where the apostrophe goes there.

The dwarves know me as Zonin and Hugstanges.

No apostrophes.

Okay.

Arnie, did you want to interject?

I just want to make sure I get that.

Yeah, can I have just a sub-thing in there that says feline Zelig?

I'm going to bring that one back.

I am known throughout the northeast as Gaswanius Maystar.

And there may be secret names that if e'er I did utter aloud, then most assuredly, all the gophers and foon would find themselves dancing simultaneously.

Okay, got it.

Woo!

And I'm John.

All right.

Business night.

Business night.

Guys, thank you so much.

I figured we've been doing this for almost 10 years.

And since the 10-year anniversary is coming up in more or less a month, we should really have a business meeting and talk about how we're doing things for the podcast, but also just general business.

Business night.

Business night.

Business night.

Well, oh, shit.

Now Usidor has to do another one.

I think, Arnie, I think Usor is...

That is weird when Usidor goes first.

Well, I think he was catching up from the last round.

Does that make sense?

Oh, shit.

Are we lapping each other?

I had a frog in my throat.

Here he is.

Hey, he's got a little top hat.

Hello.

Hey,

I am so sorry, buddy.

We are having a business meeting.

Otherwise, we would absolutely interview you.

I'm sure you have a fascinating personal life.

But for now, can you fuck off?

I used to be a prince.

Goodbye.

Also, he could have been a spy.

for the sea for the animal war or the town of frogs yeah

i never thought about that the amphibious forces i mean we met that duck that was torn betwixt all three

land sea and air and i suppose a frog falls in much the same uh uh position because of the jumping yes yeah the way ducks jump and the way frogs jump it's an easy parallel to make i've seen uh during the animal war i've seen a lot of um posters that say frogs put the fib in amphibious just trying to sew you know just kind of um you know not trusting any sort of amphibians how do you spell amphibious on this world?

There's some apostrophes in there.

I know that.

I, apostrophe, M, Space, F-I-B-Space.

O-U-S?

Hmm.

I apostate.

Amphibious?

Yeah, sure.

Sounds right.

I like that on this world, it's hard to be bad at spelling, because everyone's sort of, like, uncertain anyway.

Yeah, I mean, as long as people understand and communicate, spelling isn't particularly highly prized.

There, in fact, is a spelling hive that happens in most dungeons

where the prisoners are forced to spell words and then the winner is executed.

And that's how we get honey.

And that's where honey comes from.

And the winner is executed?

The winner is executed.

Right.

Yeah.

Because spelling is not highly prized here.

Yeah.

In the spelling hive.

And we don't want them to procreate and make other good spellers, if that makes sense.

Like, why?

Why are you telling me the correct spelling of amphibious?

I know how to spell amphibious just anywhere I want.

That someone else can read it and be like, that's the word amphibious.

Spelling's for nerds.

Speaking of things that are for nerds, let's see.

Maybe I'll throw out the first order of business.

I'm sort of generally trying to catch up on our emails, of which we get a lot at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

Also, you can email us at our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Ooh, finally, we're starting with emails.

Here's one.

that I got recently.

You Sinor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights.

Are you keeping it?

Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down.

Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Hawks.

Great Hall of Turbacus apostrophe.

Speaking of which, according to this person, the apostrophe is after the second R.

Right, that's what I said.

Okay.

The elves know him as Fiang Yelik.

The dwarfs know him as Zonan and Hookstanges.

Dwarfs.

Dwarfs.

It says in here dwarfs with an elves.

Dwarves?

Not dwarves.

Shit.

But also the whole thing reeks of being copy and pasted, so that mistake might have come from anywhere.

Well, as long as they spelled in a way that everyone understands it, I don't care.

Spellings for nerds.

So they say all that, and then they say that you might be chronically drunk and slightly mad, but he deserves an email address.

And that's the whole thing.

People miss having a way to communicate with you, Usidor.

Does drinking sometimes on earth, uh earth right yes uh they uh if people drink too much do you not get an email address

you probably that would probably be wise actually

like if after a certain if you drink too much you do not have access to your email and if you are mad

and if you're mad exactly okay so it's it's sort of like if you're drunk you don't have to go home but you can't send emails yeah you can't send here okay also a point of order for our business meeting i want to say that all of these emails, I don't want to make Chunt write those down again.

We have them in a written form.

I think we just say entered into the record.

Okay.

I would like to enter this email into the record.

Smart.

Enter into the record.

Oh, shoot.

I wrote down record instead of record.

Is there a way to

start the episode on?

Record, say, R-E-C-I-R-D.

Record.

Okay.

So Yusundor used to be pretty active on Twatterton, but that seems to seem to have stopped.

Yeah, it's a real hellhole there.

I'd love for that whole thing to just disappear into the darkest realms of hell.

Perhaps Pizza Skull could come and devour it and take it back to Pizza Hell with him.

Yeah, it does seem like Twitter is increasingly not an option, although I think we still have a Magic Tavern Twitter account that we post what the show is and everything.

But it's worth mentioning, we are also now on Blue Sky.

Oh, how exciting.

What the hell is that?

I mean, it's kind of like Twitter.

What a ringing endorsement.

You'll also notice that I didn't ask, are drunk people not allowed to make a Twitter account?

Because I already knew the answer.

Oh, they can.

They absolutely can.

But you can follow us on Blue Sky at Magic Tavern on Blue Sky.

And Usidor, are you willing to commit to getting on Blue Sky?

Well,

I mean, I like their branding.

I mean, it's called Blue Sky.

I like their branding.

I'm a blue wizard.

You're basically Mr.

Blue Sky.

Yeah.

I love birds.

One of the things I miss about Twaterton is there used to be a little bird there, and I thought that was very adorable.

Then they took the bird away, and I was like, fuck right off.

Yeah.

It did turn from Twaterton to Exerton.

I've heard that Exerton is bad, but Bridgerton's pretty good.

Now, sir, sure, I suppose I could create an account on Blue Sky.

Why, think of it.

The marriage of our powers, the most incredible blue wizard in all of Fun.

With the amazing power of social media through blue sky, I shall be unstoppable.

And

how many O's was that?

Yeah.

17.

Unstoppable?

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, Arnie, I have a question.

Yes.

Or a point of order or whatever.

An order of business?

A new order of business?

It's not new.

Or is it still blue sky related?

It's still blue sky related.

Okay, so we're still blue skying.

Yep.

What is that?

Is that called?

Also, there are no bad ideas when we're blue skying.

Oh, there absolutely are.

Oh, right.

Yes, of course there are.

Let's have Usor turn us into trolls.

That's a bad idea.

Objectively bad.

I could do it, though.

I know you could, but I'm just saying.

I'm just trying to prove Arnie wrong.

So, Arnie, when someone like, say, Usidor,

who's creating this Blue Sky account, when Usidor sends something from Blue Sky, is that still called a tweet?

Is that called a Blue Ski?

What is that?

What would it be called?

I hope it's called a Blue Ski, or it should be called like a bleat.

It should definitely start with B, right?

A bloop.

Yeah.

A bloop?

A blop.

A blop.

Not that.

I like a blop.

Or it should be called a bong.

And then you bing your bong.

Ooh.

I got to get on blue sky.

Yeah, let me try it.

Let me re-bong that.

Sean, can I get you to commit to being on blue sky?

Hell yes.

So we just have to figure out.

Here's the thing.

Blue Sky hasn't been around that long.

I bet both of your names are already taken by some perverts.

Shit.

Oh.

Okay, so I'll be Chunts, parentheses, not pervert, and parentheses.

Okay.

I'm not sure if I honestly don't know if parentheses are part of the names, but I like it.

Okay.

Well, actually, I'll figure it out.

I don't want to commit right now, but...

Yeah, yeah.

We'll figure it out.

Maybe we'll put it in the show notes or

make sure you can find it.

If you can find Blue sky which is its own problem we'll have our people look into it yeah skeet skeet skeet all three of them are going to look into it yep i'm so glad arnie can i just say i'm so glad we hired those three skeets yeah uh what are their last names again one of them is allrich skeet ulrich skeet windows skeet walls yeah i think those are the three

um all right so i'm gonna bring the blue sky business to a close we okay with moving on oh arnie we just joined don't bring it to a close

second to close the topic Sorry, John.

Chuck, we're just, we're just

the discussion coming up.

Oh, okay, okay.

We have to do it in a very formal manner during a business meeting.

Business night.

Business night.

So, do either of you have an order of business you'd like to bring to the floor?

Oh, oh, sorry.

I was going to say you said um and you're going to say mine, but Uzur cleared his throat, which is way more formal than saying um.

So let's go ahead and go over to you, Sidor.

For consideration, I would like the body here to consider the recent work i've been doing to bring the wizards impending war to a cessation prior to its actual explosion into a full scale uh war

well the mind doesn't like it but the body's considering it i would have to say that i've been trying to think of a way to reverse the mortality of the wizards even though

Twas I who did smash that gem and say, nay, no longer shall you be immortal.

But they've been real dicks since then, so I kind of think like maybe if you just gave it back to them, they'd like kind of not be such colossal assholes.

I never realized what little bitches wizards could be.

Yeah, okay, until all right, not you.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm just, um, I was just surprised, I think, because you know, I've always held a graffiti in town that says there are no good wizards.

Wow, wow, that seems really targeted at you, Usidar.

Well, I'm the only wizard in town.

Yeah, it's in this town.

In fact, I see it every town we go to.

And now that I think about it, that graffiti is usually like a foot or two off the ground.

Okay.

Chunt.

Let's...

I want to strike this from the record.

Okay, let me just.

Okay.

So what the fuck?

To go back to your business, Usidor.

He's the gopher.

Well, I've been searching through dungeons, seeking tomes and ancient knowledge and scrolls from beyond the beginning of time that even the goddesses themselves are unaware of so that I may find a way to reverse this irreversible magic.

Can I?

I'm so sorry.

I don't want to slow you down with questions, but I welcome it.

But you will.

Even just assuming that there are scrolls from before the beginning of time

and that goddesses don't even know about them, like

what hint did you get that they exist?

Are you just like, there's got to be something and you're just running around like a maniac?

A dog told me.

dog yeah

i was going through town i was talking to this dog and it was standing in front of a wall uh where it was kind of didn't want me to see the wall i don't know why uh and the dog said don't look at this wall i'm not writing anything here about wizards oh did you know there are ancient souls scrolls from the beginning before the beginning of time and i said i definitely knew about the souls because souls have existed for all eternity The scrolls, however, I did not know of.

He said, oh, yeah, I check out that dungeon.

And he kind of like kind of hesitated.

And he's like, the one right outside of town.

I did not.

Hesitate.

What?

That, huh?

Sorry, I just ran this down.

I said, what's your name, dog?

And he said,

Charles.

Wow, that seems like a pretty good name.

Pretty clever name, actually.

Oh.

I

always said if I were a dog, I'd be called

Charles.

What a coincidence.

Well, there are no coincidences.

Just shapeshifters and wizards.

I thought the saying was, there are no coincidences, only small actors.

Thank you so much.

Deep bow.

So,

is there any actionable items on that

point of order?

Well, I don't know.

I go back and forth.

I'm like, should I give them their immortality back?

Should I figure out a way to do that?

Does that solve the problem, or does it only exacerbate the problem?

And then I think to myself, well, the whole reason I did it.

What?

Sorry, I just wrote down exacerbate.

I never realized.

I never realized how funny that word is.

Exacerbate?

I have some ideas about what exacerbating might be.

But I don't know if I'm comfortable sharing them.

In any case,

so the other side of the coin is this.

Is it going to be like, oh, am I ever going to come?

Jesus.

I think we've moved up.

Oh, that's right.

The other side of the coin is this.

Should we,

in our efforts to gain alliances with the various kingdoms and uh trying to create some peace and stability should we actually be trying to off these fucking wizards i mean they're mortal we could it's time to maybe just like stick a a dagger one of their eyes in the middle of the night or something

pour some poison in their ear i i don't know

i i it maybe we need to get some pieces off of the proverbial chessboard as they say well they they can die now so if we're ever gonna kill them it should be now right sir, I have a question.

So, say we, who's like a wizard?

Um, uh, what's a what's a color wizard that we we've never met?

Just so no one's feelings get hurt.

Oh, uh, well, I suppose that would be uh have we met a lavender?

I don't think so.

Okay, so say we kill the lavender wizard, okay?

Um, in the middle of the night, we creep in and we, you know, just gut him from top to taint.

Um,

does the why do we stop in the taint?

Uh, great question.

Because then it's just pure air, my good man.

Unless their legs are closed super tight.

So here's the thing.

Does Foon produce another Lavender Wizard to take that wizard's place?

Well, I would think prior to them losing their immortality, absolutely yes.

Okay.

Now, in the interim where they can die a true death, I suppose that they're

the creature, the soul of them that existed before they were forced into this flesh body on this

orb we call Foon.

They already existed as angelic beings.

I suppose they would just go back to being that angelic being.

Okay.

Oh, quick point of order.

Sure.

Break.

We need a break.

Oh, okay.

Oh,

okay.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

All right.

Let me grab the gavel and.

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All right, I bring us back from break, and the floor is open.

What's that?

I object to you bringing us back from break.

Why do you just object?

I'll allow it.

Well, the thing is, I am still peeing.

What?

I'm still peeing.

I didn't know you'd started.

Yes, I've been sitting here the entire time, but I have been peeing most of that time.

From like the beginning of the episode?

No, just from the beginning of the break.

Oh, okay.

I'm not an animal.

Sorry, Chum.

Hey.

Well, objection aside, I open the floor for new business.

Okay, it hops down on the floor.

I have new business.

Oh, okay.

Chuck.

What's your business?

Can I get back to my CB?

Okay.

This is the only time I'm going to say this.

Show us your business.

Okay.

I second the new business.

All right.

Well, I have two things.

Do you want the good business or the bad business?

Oh, Ani, I think we should start with the bad business.

What do you think?

Yeah, let's start with the bad business.

Okay, the bad business is...

I had an idea.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

We knew this would happen.

I know, I know.

Take your medicine.

Gotta take your medicine.

I knew this day would come.

I thought at some point, you know, we're about to hit 10 years.

At some point in the next 10 years,

I thought it'd be fun if maybe we did an episode that was like a fucking game show or something.

Okay.

Like a little game show.

It just feels like

maybe a game show at some point.

Like maybe a little game show.

Okay.

Do you have a point of order?

Who, me?

Shunt, may I approach?

Oh, yes, you can approach the floor.

Do you have a specific idea for a game show, or is it just

generally any sort of game show format?

Well, you know, Arnie's always telling us about all these game shows on Earth that he's obsessed with.

Is that right?

Earth?

Yeah, it's Earth.

It's Earth.

E, apostrophe, A-R, apostrophe, T-H-E?

I think so.

I thought it was Dirth.

Well, that's evil Earth, I think.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

You know, Arnie's always talking about, you know, card sharks.

And,

I mean, actually, it's mostly card sharks you're talking about.

And Celebrity Jeopardy.

Celebrity Jeopardy, you said it should be a thing.

Or I guess it is a thing.

You said pop culture jeopardy should be a thing.

Yes, that's the joke I meant to make, and I said it wrong.

Well, Arnie, maybe it'll come true.

But, you know, I was thinking there's one Arnie that you talked about a few times that kind of sparks something in me,

and that is Family Foon.

Oh.

So you want to do...

Well, on Earth, it's called Family Feud, but you want to do like a

conversion of Family Feud?

Well, yeah, because Arnie, you're my cousin.

Usor's our uncle.

We're legally family.

So now we can finally compete in Family Foon.

And then, you know, we get,

you know, three other contestants, guests, et cetera, who maybe have some sort of connection.

And then we,

you know, try and bring Stave Harvey to Foon and

have a show.

Okay, that might be hard to book, but I'm willing to commit to some kind of game show episode, probably Family Foon, sometime in the next 10 years.

I'm even willing to commit to doing it sometime in the next year.

Well, that might be too soon.

Do you know who would be a pretty good game show host?

Who?

Larry Birdman.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I can just see him.

We're all lined up, ready to do our family food questions.

And he comes up to each one of us and goes, what do you do, darling?

And he gives us both a big open mouth kiss.

You know,

we don't talk about it much on the podcast, but Usidor does talk about a lot of scenarios where he gets a kiss from Larry Birdman.

Hmm.

I mean,

he's like, should we sometime play spin the bottle with, I don't know, with Larry Birdman?

He's a handsome, successful guy.

And then you like over-explain how the game works.

And you talk about it.

I'm just pulling ideas here.

I just, you know, I'm just trying to, you know, support Chunt's idea by, you know, saying something.

It could be, it doesn't have to be Larry Birdman.

I don't have to kiss him on the mouth.

It's fine.

If I do, it's great.

I mean, I'd be happy to.

I'd be thrilled to.

And honestly, he'd probably like it.

And I think that if you think that's weird, that's on you.

I don't, I'm not against it.

It's just, I'm noticing it.

Especially you sort of sweat through his robes.

Yeah.

like last week we were talking about ideas for charity and you're like we should do some kind of booth and then you said like a couple things and then you said we could do a kissing booth and i hear larry birdman likes booths he does like booths i've heard that i've heard him say it he's like uh

i love going to a fair because you can always find a booth what a weird word it is i felt i felt weird saying it it's like you hit that second o and you're like here we go baby it's all it's all it's all waves from here i'm riding the wave and then you hit that T-H, and you're like, uh-oh, my mouth better.

Slow down.

Arnie, are you from Booth?

No, I'm from Earth.

Earth.

Oh, Earth.

I wrote down Booth.

Booth is not your home, then.

I'm not from Booth.

Booth.

Sounds right.

Okay, so game show.

Okay, so that's the bad business.

That's the bad business.

The good business is...

Larry Birdman's coming?

Oh, maybe.

Probably at some point.

Sorry.

Sorry, you were saying.

Go ahead.

If nothing else

for the game show.

The good business is.

And I guess this is good for the Animal Wars, but bad for me.

So I guess it should be...

Sorry, it's two points of bad business.

Do you remember Magnificent Boris, the moose that's sort of leading the sort of land creatures in the Animal War?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I remember you mentioning him.

Yeah.

I might have called...

He goes by several names.

Sure.

And just to be clear, this is not...

Boobhonkin Moose.

No, he is a Boobhonkin Moose.

He is also...

For listeners who don't subscribe to our Patreon shame on you.

But we're starting up March Magic and in the brackets competing this year is boob honking.

Actually several boob honking moosees.

I think the plural is beeb honking me.

Beeb hinking mees?

Beep hinking me.

You spell however you want.

Look, if you want to hear us say boob honkin' moose a lot of different ways for a long time, join the Patreon.

Or just run your podcast player back 10 seconds.

I think at some point maybe we make a, you know, make a shirt that's like a moose, but where his antlers are are your boobs.

Whose boobs?

Yours.

Whoever's wearing the shirt.

So it's a moose, but where the antlers are, it's your boobs.

And it says boob honking moose.

But then it says, don't do it.

I imagine with print-on-demand technology, that's not impossible.

But challenging.

But challenging.

Do you have...

Is this just a way for you to get people to send pictures of their boobs?

Okay,

so Magnificent Boris,

leader of the land army in the Animal Wars, has reached out to me personally.

He sent me a parchment and he requested the ultimate sacrifice Arnie.

Oh, no.

And I don't know if I can do it.

I don't know if I want to do it.

I don't know if I should do it.

And I thought to bring it up and sort of,

you know, ask my friends, my council, council, my family what I should do.

Chunt, you cannot lay down your life for the cause of this animal war.

Oh, yeah, he didn't ask that.

Oh, that's not the ultimate sacrifice.

No, I'm sorry.

Look, Trunt, if you have to stop doing the podcast, we'll f we don't want that to happen, but we'll figure something out.

That's not it either.

If it's not laying down your life and it's and you're allowed to keep doing the podcast, Trunt, what is it?

Well, Magnificent Boris has asked that, you know, I'm a shapeshifter.

already i think sometimes you forget um and i've been you know a whole cadre of different animals a whole cavalcade of creatures so yeah like a dog that does graffiti all kinds of animals maybe yeah in the way in the past way in the past um but they're asking me if i would give up my shapeshifting abilities permanently to show and pledge my allegiance to the land creatures and just become a full-time badger

for the rest of my life.

Just be a plain old badger.

It's like a thousand, a million deaths for you, for you can no longer experience the myriad world of the Animal Kingdom.

I know, yeah, it's

pretty heavy.

The price is too high.

Oh, that was another game show I thought to have us do.

Oh, the price is too high?

Yeah, Arnie, you said you love that show on Earth.

I do.

I do.

Like, especially.

And then you said we should get Chunt Spade or Newton.

Yes.

Preferably both, because if you're a shapeshifter.

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

I prefer neither, but

we can revisit that.

But yeah, I don't know if I should give up my...

Yeah, I mean, how are you feeling about it?

I mean, from my perspective, it doesn't affect me a lot because I mostly think of you as a badger already, but I'm sure

I've got to keep reminding myself other people aren't me.

I mean, we could unpack that for another.

That's a whole other episode.

What are we going to do with that?

How you figure out out people aren't just you?

Are we going to commit to a therapy episode in the next video?

I mean, I'd rather do the game show, frankly.

Sure.

Yeah.

Smart.

What if we gamify therapy?

Ooh.

Finally.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I tried to win therapy in the past.

But you guys know that I've been trying to stay out of this war.

Oh, yes.

So my first instinct was just to be like, well, let me just burn the parchment and not commit to this and, you know, do my thing.

But it sounds like they want to,

you know, sort of take me away for treason if I don't commit.

What?

Because they said I'm a danger.

They said, since I can be any animal, that I have no allegiance and they can only consider me to be the enemy.

Now, Chant,

some follow-up questions, if you will allow them.

I would like to approach the bench again.

Okay.

Yeah, why don't we all take the puck assibo to the bench again?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

Fed that duck from here?

Yeah, we didn't clean up any of this bread.

There's soggy bread all over the floor still.

First of all, have any of the other creatures, sea or air, made similar threats?

Not that I'm aware of.

Okay.

Secondly, in your heart of hearts, do you have a side that you're on?

Do you...

Do you see some reason

in the animals of the land or in the reasons that they fight?

From my point of view, and I don't want to color your point of view, it seems sort of like this all got started because the birds and the wizards and all that, but

in your heart of hearts,

if you had to choose a side right now,

and it never doesn't leave this bench, who would it be?

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, in my heart of hearts, it would be land.

I mean, a badger is what I've become so comfortable with, and I think it's because I was a badger when I met cousin Arnie and you know he's shown such good friendship and and loyalty and love for me and you sir you've um gotten to love me and be a friend to me and an uncle to me even more so in my badger shape so it just feels like my badger shape is you know what i'm most fond of do you ever think it's this is a total sidebar we'll get back to this whole let's go to the sidebar let's go to this situation let's go to the sidebar you know what we spend too much time ordering from the front bar which is the busiest why don't we spend more time at the sidebar We should go to the sidebar.

Chuck, we'll get back to this whole like war and European.

Speak, I'm sorry.

Sorry to interrupt.

If we're going to the sidebar, does anyone want to order a sidecar?

Ooh, I'll take a sidecar.

Are you trying to say side cart?

Yes, a side cart from the sidebar.

Yeah.

That's how I spelled it.

Okay.

I'll quickly get us three sidecarts.

Okay.

Now, Chuck, do you ever think about the fact that you and Cousin Ani live together and go on these wacky adventures, and just a few years ago, the two of you were perfect strangers.

Yeah.

You know what?

It is funny that we're bosom buddies now, or tit friends, whatever he calls it.

Feels like, you know, we're all in the family and we're friends.

And eight is enough.

And family matters.

Eating is enough.

Family matters.

And we have a family matters.

Tavern.

Guys, guys, guys.

The side of these family taverns.

Wait, now we do the dance of joy.

Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.

However it goes.

I'm so sorry, you Sidori.

I completely interrupted.

No, no, no.

My sidebar about cousin Arnie is all over now.

Chunt, I know that you are torn inside, and

this turmoil within you must be eating you alive.

Is there any way that us, as your friends and uncle and cousin, can assist you in making this choice, or help you avoid making the choice?

Ooh.

I mean, just saying it to you two has been a huge relief.

So thank you for that.

Yeah, I just...

I guess I want some insight.

I have

three months to decide, so, you know, just let's all think on it and, you know, keep an open dialogue about it.

And I just need to figure out what to do.

Wow.

Three months is so fast in Magic Tavern story progression time.

That's like the blink of an eye.

You also have to think about the way, you know, I know that you have electronical emails on me, but here in Foon, we have

birds that send letters and teleportation.

Well, the birds don't really send letters for everyone nowadays.

No, no, the birds have stopped doing that.

So a lot of squirrel mail.

Yes.

And also, sometimes now gnomes just walk your mail someplace.

And that takes a long time.

Gnomes are small, generally.

Yeah.

I didn't mean to ask.

They don't walk fast.

Who picked the gnomes for that job?

They volunteered, which was very nice.

And everyone was kind of like so.

Nice.

And you never want to say no to a gnome, but you know, they stop for their naps and their third lunches and they stop to gossip with other gnomes.

And then they have all, there's all, there's 400 gnome holidays, Arnie.

There's 400 gnome holidays.

I think that's why they did it.

I think they wanted to be able to read the mail so they'd have more gossip.

So mail gets delivered

every seven months, maybe?

It's pretty slow, right now.

Wow.

Yeah, with gnomes.

Again, there are squirrels delivering mail.

There's magic.

There's other ways.

But if you send something through GNOME mail...

Yeah, people fly, teleport, whatever, but why would we do mail that way?

Yeah.

Now,

Chunt, has it ever occurred to you to tell them, oh, yes, I'm definitely a badger forever now, and then just still be a shapeshifter?

Oh, yeah.

Are they going to test it or follow up?

They said that they'd know if I did that.

And that was written in

very large letters and underlined, and that there's like a drawing of a skull, I think.

So I don't know if that means like the skeleton wrote it.

Sounds like it'd hold up in court to me.

I sort of read it as them kind of like overemphasizing it.

That actually leads me to believe it a little less.

Oh, like, we'll definitely know.

It's like, well, why?

If you're saying it like that, I'm suspicious.

If they ask you, I would just be like, don't look around shiftily and be like, uh, yeah, I'm definitely a badger.

Smart.

That would have been my first instinct to

admire it, though.

Okay.

Well, Chuck, I just, I'm Arnie.

Chuck, you've got months to figure this out.

I just want to say, we'll support you and defend you and be by your side regardless of what you decide.

I appreciate it.

Thank you, Arnie.

Thanks, Cuz.

Ditto.

Thanks, Isidor.

Thanks, Onk.

And sorry, just for my notes, what Ditto, that's like

a gnome or who?

Oh, it's...

No, it's that amorphous gnome that can take on the powers of other gnomes.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Perfect.

He could take on the powers of other gnomes.

Do other gnomes.

Kind of like if you catch a gnome and put in a little ball, you can then make them fight each other?

I did not know that.

It's pretty fun.

Sounds cruel.

Yeah, it's both.

I guess those things don't have to be mutually exclusive.

All right.

Now, and I want to check in with you on this chat very definitively.

Okay.

Do you want to keep going with this piece of business or do we want to declare this business closed for this business meeting?

I think

we can close it.

Okay.

We can close it on.

Business night.

Business night.

Business night.

Let's take a break.

All right.

I have a piece of business I'd like to bring to the floor.

I just want to check in.

Pizza business.

Woo.

Alright.

Now we're talking.

Oh, I'd love some pizza.

Um, that is a good idea.

You surround, can you magic assess some pizzas?

Arnie.

Yeah.

You know the price, right?

Um, what's the price?

Of course, I can summon a pizza here,

but you know who will accompany it.

Oh.

I'm loath to cast a spell to bring pizza here and open the very gates of pizza hell.

Yeah, the noid.

No, no, not the noid the the pizza skull oh that's right that's the thing about pizza the curse of pizza is it always is more expensive than you remember it being you're always like wait that's the cost of pizza and pizza skull i feel like almost always is kind of it doesn't demand but kind of always insinuates that you should leave one to three percent of your soul as a tip

i mean i at the very least i mean he's working hard what if you go to pizza hell to pick it up then do you have to to give a percentage of your soul?

Like, if you're just carrying it out of there.

I mean, if they've got a jar there, sure.

I guess it depends on what portal you enter Pizza Hell through.

That's the worst.

It's like you go there to pick up your pizza and, you know, the skull behind the counter is like tapping the jar that says soul.

And you're like, ah.

What are you...

You're just handing me the pizza.

Yeah.

And when a skull taps something, it is not subtle.

No, it's not.

It's like the tooth.

Right.

Arnie, sorry, you were saying...

i just wanted to sort of catch up on merch we've been trying some new things with our merch every time we say that should be i can conjure all kinds of other food um hmm what do you want oh i'm just look i just don't want to accidentally conjure chili skull the big ice block with a skull in it

that sounds almost exactly like pizza skull only in an ice block huh yeah and we don't want to conjure horndog again remember arnie you were talking about on earth they have this thing on sticks called horndogs yeah and you said they're so good.

And then we user conjured a horn dog, and he was a nightmare.

Oh, was that...

Maybe that was Charlie.

Maybe that was the horn dog the whole time.

Okay, maybe let's hold off on eating.

I want to talk about merch.

How our shirts are going, how they're...

I know, Chunt, you sort of have our merch stats.

I'm just curious to see.

I know, like, we did...

Um,

I don't even remember.

That's a shirt.

What is was that one of them?

I don't remember what some of the limited time slogans that we did were.

Okay, let me see.

Okay,

I have so much writing.

Oh, so much writing.

I have to keep growing new paws

just because I keep getting sort of wrist injuries.

Okay, first shirt we have here is only you can prevent drugs.

First, we had one where Chunt, myself, present, was saying that.

And then we had one where Yusuro was saying that.

And how many shirts did we sell of those?

In total, we sold 100.

Okay, carry the

one.

100 and 167.

No.

167, my good sir.

167.

Okay.

I mean, that's nothing to sneeze at.

That's pretty good.

What about what was my first shirt?

Your first shirt, as far as I can tell, was Arnie.

That's you.

And you were saying there are new shirts available in the merch store.

Oof.

How many did that sell?

14.

Now, that one's not available anymore, right?

None of these are all.

And you know what?

I know.

Those 14 of you, you've got a rare item that almost no one has.

I mean, should we bring it back?

Because technically it's always true.

Well, wait, some of my other ones must have sold well.

Like,

what are some of the other ones that were for me?

Okay, we have Arnie, that's you, saying, a watched tree never dies.

Oh, that's not good.

13 sold.

13!

Oh, they're getting worse.

Well, it sounds like the 14 people who bought their new shirts available in the merch store.

Sounds like at least 13 of them bought this, but we lost one customer.

Yeah, one person said we're not going to be able to do it.

It's called me again.

Oh, Arnie, wait, wait a minute.

We also have butt-ass big donger.

Oh,

you, Arnie saying that?

That's you.

And 30 sold.

30?

Yay.

I mean, you have to imagine...

That's a pretty good number for a shirt that says butt-ass big donger.

Pretty good for a shirt.

A very specific person.

Pretty good for a shirt you can barely wear in the privacy of your own home, just in case someone comes to the door.

Right, exactly.

Exactly.

There are 30 people that want a shirt with my picture on it so much.

So much that they're willing to get it even though it says butt ass big donger.

And sure, some part of your brain is going to say like, well, I can wear it while I'm doing laundry, but you know, you have to walk outside to the river, take your clothes to the water, beat it against the rock.

You're going to see somebody.

you think you're safe wearing your butt-ass big donger shirt but you're you then you forget you're wearing it yeah yeah so here's what i'm gonna do i just guys i gotta bring up my stats my my personal stats i don't even really care how much money we make on these which is not much i just am falling so far behind your guys's shirts so i am going to go to a classic And starting now for a limited time, the Arnie shirt is going to say, different things mean different things.

Oh, I like this.

Classic.

Yeah.

Arnie, at some point in the next 10 years, may I also suggest one of my favorite phrases you've ever uttered, which is tomorrow salad.

Oh, that's also good.

That's a pretty good one.

For now, I'm going to do different things mean different things.

Smart, yep.

But keep your eyes out for that tomorrow salad shirt.

And would you guys consider...

Like, I don't want to like come up with your ideas for you.

Yeah.

But would either of you consider a shirt that says like, please buy Arnie's shirt or something like that?

We could do,

yeah, maybe we do a chunt shirt that says please buy Arnie's shirt and then a Usidor shirt that says please see Chunt's shirt about buying Arnie's shirt.

If all that text doesn't fit, what if we have the Chunt shirt say please buy Arnie's shirt and the Usidor shirt say butt-ass big donger?

Now here's the thing though, Arnie.

I think when inevitably one of our listeners who's wearing an Arnie butt-ass big donger shirt meets and marries another listener who's wearing a Usidor butt-ass Big Donger shirt, won't there be mass confusion?

That was the first thing I was worried about.

You got mass in my Big Donger.

Think about it this way, though.

If you are wearing the Arnie Butt-ass Big Donger shirt out in the world and you run into someone with the used word butt assuring you, if I only had the confidence to do that, you know you need to get married.

Like you literally, like there's there's no better sign that you should marry a person.

What if you're already married?

no you wouldn't buy that shirt if you were married

that shirt equals divorce we should have a shirt that's used or um and he's saying if you're wearing this shirt you're definitely not married

all right let's be i'm gonna close down the merch talk but let's be very clear about what we're doing my shirt is gonna say different things mean different things

no pressure

both of you can either keep the shirts that you currently have in the merch store or if there's something you want to change change it, let's clearly define it right now.

I would like my shirt to say, buy Arnie's shirt, imbecile.

Okay.

That's good.

That's good.

And I'm kind of debating between buy Arnie's shirt, baby, or something along those lines, or finally kind of sneaking in Blood Farts.

I feel like...

Blood farts is due for a comeback.

Yeah.

I'm not sure why the two of you are so determined to have people not wear these shirts.

I thought we were doing like a throwaway round.

I love that this idea could make us money, but it kind of never will.

Just because we're not doing this on purpose.

We just can't help it.

Arnie, here's something I noticed is that if you go to the TeePublic store where our shirts are, that you can get those designs as something else.

They can almost magic that design onto other items.

So what I saw recently is that you can actually make stickers with us saying whatever it is.

So what people could do is buy some butt-ass big donger armor.

Well they can't.

That's the thing about the butt-ass big donger.

That's a thing.

Oh, it's the magic of this is that it doesn't exist anymore.

It's been replaced by some other bullshit shirt.

They could buy a similar design, buy stickers of that design, and then put those stickers on something of their enemies.

Like their enemy's car or their enemy's pet or their enemy's,

I don't know, books.

Just so the next time...

Or their enemies Big Donger.

Or their enemies, Big Donger.

And now we get why you're enemies with them is because they have a butt-ass big donger.

So keep that in mind that there's other stuff you can.

If you don't want to wear a shirt, totally understandable.

It's not.

Not just shirts.

It's more than shirts, right?

Coffee mugs.

Yeah.

Aprons, I assume.

Wow, Arnie.

Discussing this.

None of this is legally binding.

Aprons, I have no idea what the things are.

Is that a new catchphrase?

None of these things are legally binding.

No,

aprons, I assume.

That's my new detective series.

Aprons, I assume.

Okay.

All right, I'm closing down the merch business.

Oh, let's play our closing up the merch bag song.

Okay.

Did we do that?

Do we have a closing up the merch bag song?

The only way we'll know.

That's all.

We'll rest into the episode.

All right.

I don't know if you guys have stuff.

I have one more piece of business.

Another email I would love to answer.

Again, you can email us at magicta at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address or join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern.

And we're currently running march magic which is very fun but here's the email hey boys i'm on my second round of listening to your podcast i like your podcast so much that i'm thinking of getting a tattoo of maybe a badger with a crown or of a blue wizard eating some salsa

if there's any other ideas you all could give me let me know peace and love from new hampshire yours truly lord of the lemons

wow that's awesome uh one that they're such a committed fan and that, two, that they're in New Hampshire.

Yeah, I don't really know what the story with Old Hampshire is.

I assume it's a pork town.

I assume it's like a

Hampshire.

What if they got a tattoo, and it's Yusidor eating salsa, but there's a badger in his salsa.

And his face is kind of like, who put badger in my salsa?

And then, and then we pan to the, and this is a tattoo that pans.

And then we have a pan

to the back, and it's Arnie in an apron.

I assume.

Your catchphrase, aprons, I assume.

In an apron, and he's got a look on his face like, oh, shit, I accidentally made salsa, but I put chunt in the salsa.

It's chunty salsa.

What if it's exactly all of that?

But there's a word balloon that says, buy Arnie shirt.

So it's, okay, so it's a big bowl of chunty salsa, which is salsa with big chunks of chunt in it.

So I think in the background, you'd have to have jars of salsa that clearly say mild, hot, and chunty to help sell this.

But go ahead.

Okay, and then, and Yusur's got, you know, he's trying to eat the salsa, but chunt's in it, so that's kind of fun.

And then Yusur is saying, sort of proclaiming in frustration, buy Arnie's shirts.

And how much are we paying this person to get that tattoo?

Nothing.

In fact, we should probably consider a cease and desist letter.

Maybe we should simplify it a little bit.

Okay.

How about instead they just get Arnie's social security number?

Arnie, go.

Okay.

Um, 888-6300-Empire.

Wait a minute.

Guys, look, I had an ulterior motive for bringing up the tattoo email.

Should we get tattoos?

Like, the show is coming up on 10 years.

Wow, yeah.

Yeah, I'd do a tattoo.

Like, if we can all agree on something, like, we could all get tattoos that say Lord of the Lemons.

Lord of the Lemons?

That's the person that sent the email.

I wasn't listening.

I have to be honest.

I hope that we can commemorate this 10 years together without somehow causing such permanent damage to our own bodies.

But maybe the raven with the microphone.

I don't know.

Yeah,

where would we each get it?

Like, neck or face?

Face?

Well, do you want to do it or not?

We could could get lava, hate, tattoos on our knuckles.

The two diametrically opposed forces of the universe.

Lava and hate.

We could get a...

My other cart is the Fifth Festus Horse and Foon tattoo.

What if, like, I got a tattoo of Usidor?

Mm-hmm.

Usidor got a tattoo of Chunt, and Chunt got a tattoo of me.

Or some version of that.

I think that's the only way that's going to work.

But Chunt, can't you shapeshift the tattoo away?

oh yeah i can so i guess um it means less that i'm so eager to do this yeah

let's get that you've magicked away so many tattoos in episodes before well if we get the bird with the mic maybe i'll just magic away the mic

magic mic yeah take off my fur could you but could you get rid of that magic mic even if it was xxl um i think so hmm

Yeah, I think so.

Seems like quite a gambit.

One day.

One day.

Guys, is it possible this episode has gone on too long?

No.

Oh, wait.

Let me check the minutes.

Oh, yeah.

Shit, I spelled no.

Too many minutes.

I put my newts.

My newts?

Instead of minutes, I wrote my newts at the very top.

So you told me to keep minutes, and I kept my newts.

Just fix it.

Just cross that out and write M-I-N-Space.

M-I-N-I-T-A.

Space.

S-P-A-C-E.

Does that mean you keep sending me messages that say send newts?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

Because remember you told me, you're like, do you know what a Ute is?

And I was like, I don't know.

And you're like, Ute guys?

These two utes.

Yeah, you're my, I mean, now that you're my cousin, I feel like you're teaching me a lot of new linguists.

Yeah.

I mean, I think these are all jokes we've made before.

So definitely this episode has gone on too long.

Is it possible that this whole episode from start to finish are things we've said before?

I mean, there's got to be a high percentage.

Pretty, I'd say like 52%.

Wait, let me check the previous minutes.

There's big stacking here.

Order of business.

My magic tavern.

I object.

I've definitely said that.

Point of order.

Pizza Hell.

Yeah, we've done this word-for-word exact episode before.

Oh, shit.

Well, maybe no one will notice.

Ooh, that could be a t-shirt.

Arnie shrugging, and it says maybe no one will notice.

I mean, I do like that, but

I gotta stick stick with different things, mean different things.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Makes sense.

Dear listener, if you've heard this exact episode before, just know that this is always intended to be a retro Monday here on Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Wow, wow, wow.

I try not to take these audio transmissions personally when I listen to them, which is never.

But this episode seems specifically designed to anger me.

Bringing us to the new shirts available in the Magic Tavern Tea Public Store.

Namely, Arnie saying, different things mean different things, Usidor saying, buy Arnie's shirt, and Chunt saying, blood farts.

To think, this is the same audio medium that Rachel Maddow uses.

Again, Chunt's shirt features him saying blood farts.

Get it now before you really become aware of what you're doing.

Link to the store in the show notes.

Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

You can now follow Usador on Blue Sky at Usador.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

You can follow Chunt on Blue Sky at Chunt.

That's six Ts.

Links to both those Blue Sky accounts and the official Magic Tavern Blue Sky account all in the show notes.

Your one-stop shop for things I don't want to further explain here.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode where Arnie, Usador, and Chunt put together their yearly March Magic bracket.

Town Automatons, not the like

country automatons.

Yes, I think it's the Automatownies.

Yes, yes, it's of course Arnie.

The Atomatanis.

And that's who I'm nominating is Automatani.

Oh.

Atomatani the Automaton Townie.

We gotta, look, whatever happens, we gotta have Atanatani, the Automaton Towney, on the podcast this year.

Arnie, if we don't have Atomatani the Automaton Townie, I think we should be in timeout.

Look, I make a sacred promise that this year we're gonna have Atomatani, the Automaton Townie.

Atan Towney, who sounds a little bit like Tawney Newsom.

Who?

Who?

Just an Earth celebrity.

On the podcast.

And look, I know I've made sacred promises before.

You You have.

You have made a sacred promise to have Pom Pom Bombomp, the cloud who lives in a suit of armor on the show.

I haven't gotten around to that yet.

I have not gotten around to that yet.

But I said in season five, and we still have at least seven years of season five left to go.

Stop, stop, stop, enough.

To hear the rest and vote on which hastily made-up magic user is better than the others all throughout the month of March, join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

I thought that business night went pretty well.

Business night.

Business night.

Yeah.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Can I be on next week now?

Oh, Arnie, careful.

Frog.

True, I used to be a prince.

Yeah, I just don't buy it.

Just because a frog has a top hat doesn't mean he used to be a prince.

The top hat's a totally different story.

What was your Arnie?

Watch this.

What was your kingdom?

What was your kingdom called?

He's looking around.

Frog kingdom.

He looked in that mirror.

Wait, don't walk away from me.

What was the hat story?

I bought it.

Not much of a story.

Huh.

What are your parents' names?

Uh, uh, Frog and Frogina.

Okay, that actually checks out, Arnie.

He might be a prince.

He might be a good guest.

Um, so just by interviewing you, you'll turn back into your normal shape?

Definitely not.

I have to get married and raise three children to full adulthood before I'll change back.

Oh boy, Arnie, I think I'm gonna marry this frog.

Is that okay?

I'm just grateful, and here's the thing.

I was really worried this is gonna lead to the frog saying it can only be changed by a kiss from Larry Birdman.

Ooh.

Oh, the frog perked up.

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Hmm, you came out of Usidor, right?

Uh, no.

Uh,

look, I didn't say who I had to marry or kiss openly on the mouth, but it could be anybody.

But Larry Birdman would definitely work.

Wait a minute.

Frog with a top hat that's pointy, big blue robes on the frog, big beard, bird shit on the frog.

All right, fuck off.

Both of you.

I just

go get something to drink.