Season 5, Ep 42 - Duck (w/ Christy Bonstell)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

I mean, so not real.

In a world full of people shouting fake news, we are the original.

And long after those those other shouting people are gone, we will still be here offering novelty t-shirts.

So there's one thing to look forward to.

Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Traven,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wanderer Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

and i'm joined as always by my cousin chuck the talking badger wee how you doing bud oh i'm doing good i am exhausted already it's been a long day oh well what have you been doing all day well i uh thought to venture out and to take my chances outdoors but um i was shapeshifting into different animals to try and barter a truce with uh all the animals so i um i turned into a uh oyster and went to to talk to the creatures of the ocean said hey why don't we call off this war and i turned into an owl

and went to...

I'm sorry, what was that?

The

ostrich?

Owstrich.

An olstrich?

To be fair, you said Traven at the top of the show.

That's fair.

I did.

It's true.

I did.

It's an ostrich with an owl up top.

Oh.

Because,

you know, because we have fun here.

And, you know, I was telling the creatures of the sky, like, hey, why don't we call this whole thing off?

And, you know, so I just try, I've been trying to play Peacemaker.

And it is exhausting, Harney.

Everyone is is just bloodthirsty.

He also asked them to start saying tomato, because famously they all say tomato.

Yeah, it is wild.

I mean, we all say tomato, right?

Arnie?

Of course.

Pass.

Arnie?

I'll pass.

You want me to pass you the tomatoes?

Here you go.

Yes, please.

Excuse me.

Can I just hang out in here for a minute or so?

Sure,

it's an open tavern.

Yeah, sit at the table with us.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, just one second.

I'm also going to introduce my other co-host, Usur the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Tomatoes, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis.

The Elves know me as Fionalic.

The dwarves know me as Zodan and Hookstanges, and I'm known throughout the northeast as Gaswanius Maestar.

And there are other names.

The names of such great power, if ever they were uttered alive,

you would say Totato.

Okay, now we got that bullshit out of the way.

Hey, how you doing?

You little duck?

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

I'm not all that little, you know, for

pretty average-sized duck, yeah.

But I mean, I guess I'm a little comparatively.

Well, I'd say you're actually a

you know, sort of a robust duck.

Oh, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I, um, you know, I've got a nice breast and a good beak.

Yeah, you know, I think a lot of ducks would

love to be me.

Sure.

Normally.

I'm more of a beak man myself.

More of a beak than a breast.

Yeah, I'm just love a good beak.

Well, it is a beak man's world.

Yeah.

Well, you just heard my entire list of names.

What is your name, duck friend?

Oh, my name's Frankie.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Frankie.

It's nice to meet you, Nickie.

Nice to meet you, Frankie.

I'm honest with you.

Nice to meet you in another world.

Nice to meet you, Arnie.

Do you have any bread by any chance?

Like just like little chunks of bread?

Oh, here, I always carry a few scraps of bread.

I can just throw them here on the table.

Oh, actually, I'd feel better if you threw them on the floor.

Thanks.

On the floor?

Oh, yeah.

Just no problem.

Yeah.

Actually, why don't we?

I'm going to pick up the laptop.

Why don't we all go sit on the bench in the bar?

We never sit on the bench.

That's a nice idea.

That's so nice.

I'll just stay over here.

And do you just want to throw me whatever you've got in in your pockets?

That would be great.

Sure.

I've got dice.

I will peck at those

and I will probably try and choke one down.

But, you know, if I can, I'll just spit it back out or poop it out.

I would recommend not doing that.

Any, why don't you not throw the dice on the ground so that Frankie doesn't eat them?

Oh, fair.

Fair.

I should really learn some self-control.

You know, I mean, that's really, that's on me.

Shouldn't we all?

Not going to happen.

Frankie, this is a Traven.

There's no self-control self-control in a Traven.

Yeah, I have never been in a Traven before.

I have been in a tavern, but never a Traven.

They're exactly the same.

Traven.

Is that how you say it, Art?

This one is ambulatory, has giant legs that carry us all over the land of Foon.

I assume that you came out of the woods where we've stopped recently, the woods where they grow all that holly.

You know, I assume that Frankie comes from Hollywood.

Yes, that's right.

You know,

does everyone could just relax?

Okay, Frankie says relax.

We'll relax.

Frankie, I do, I think it would help me relax.

You've been absolutely delightful so far, and my name's Chunt.

I just wanted to make sure, you know, sometimes ducks, you know, sort of stay in a pond.

Sometimes ducks will take flight.

With the war, are you sort of like playing two sides or are you staying out of it?

You know, I'm just, I'm trying really hard to stay out of it, but everybody wants me to pick a side, you know, because

I also sometimes, you know, my bread is on land, okay?

And you gotta get that bread.

So, you know, sometimes I'm on land, and sometimes I'm on water, and sometimes I'm in the air, and everybody wants me to

fight for them.

And my girlfriend broke up with me, and I don't know what to do.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

Fascinating conundrum.

Yes.

Chunt, much like you, who can shift between shapes.

Frankie needs not in shift, for Frankie is of the air, is of the water, and is of the land.

Oh,

I do not envy thee having to make the choice that stands before you.

It's hard to pick a side when bread is on the land.

That's where you keep your bread.

That's where you keep your bread.

That's where everybody gets that bread, you know?

So yeah, I'm just trying to figure it out.

And, you know, all my relatives are kind of freaking out about it.

My aunt is an ostrich

and she's pretty angry with me at the moment.

Like I said, my girlfriend broke up with me.

So that's...

sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Was your girlfriend

a duck as well?

No.

Very presumptuous, John.

Very presumptuous.

Gotta be a duck.

Ducks, gotta be a duck.

You know, that is, that's, that's really kind of hurtful because, uh, yeah, I date a wide variety of creature.

I don't, I don't like to put a label on it.

You like them thick, is what you're saying.

I do.

I do like them thick.

Yeah.

I don't see phylum.

I don't.

I don't.

I don't see phylum.

I don't, you know, because not all relationships are about reproduction, okay?

Not all relationships are about that.

Some relationships are about emotional support.

Yeah, podcasting.

Yeah, and you can have, you can enjoy sexual activity with different creatures without it needing to be about, you know, creating more ducks.

A cloaca doesn't have to be for more than one thing.

Although, actually, technically, it does have to be for more than one thing.

But you get what I'm saying.

Exactly.

So yeah, so I was dating a fish woman.

Fish woman.

I was dating a fish woman.

Not a mermaid.

Not a mermaid.

Not a mermaid.

Okay.

It's a common misconception, but she's like the opposite of a mermaid.

So her head is a fish, and then she has legs where a tail would be.

We've met her.

Oh, really?

We have met her, yes.

She referred to herself as a reverse mermaid.

But we've definitely met her or one of her kin.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, we met on an app.

Like an appetizer?

Like

I was, I had a title.

That's the title of like some crostini, some bread apps.

She was serving caviar.

Oh, wait, yikes.

Yeah, that's right.

She does.

She makes it herself.

She does.

It's locally sourced.

Hyper locally sourced.

Sure.

It's like, have you ever had somebody make you guacamole, like right at your table?

Yes.

At this very table, yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

So this is like that, except it's caviar and it comes out of her.

Well, we did have an avocado come up to the table once and say, do you want any guacamole?

And then it crushed itself to dance right in front of us.

So we've had a similar experience.

But with a big smile on its face.

It was so happy.

It was freaky.

How is it, Frankie, eating whole to table?

Eating what?

Whole to table.

Whole to table?

Is that a term I just made up?

Yeah, I think so.

I think this is the first time I've heard it,

but you know what?

I'm not a fine diner generally.

You know what?

It was a new experience for me, but you're never going to get fresher fish eggs

anywhere else.

Also, I don't think the term is hold a table.

I think it's ass to mouth.

Is that right?

Oh,

is that right?

Is that what it is?

I was going to break.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Iman is always on call to her kids

and her patients.

One day she got the best ping ever.

It was the Expedia app.

Flight prices to Cosimo had just dropped so it was a great time to book.

On the beach Iman finally felt on call to herself.

Almost.

You were made to use your Do Not Disturb mode.

We were made to track flight prices to out of office.

Expedia, made to travel.

Available as a member benefit.

Alright, we're back.

And I'm sorry before the break.

Maybe I said something that was a little crass.

I didn't mean to.

So I can keep it clean in this next segment.

But first, I've got to say, this episode, like all our episodes, is sponsored by Rat Shit and Mouse Cum.

Don't forget to eat Rat Shit and Mouse Cum.

Arnie, I'm mostly worried after you mentioned ass-to-mouth.

You've told Usor and I so many times times that on Earth you would constantly visit ATM machines, and now I'm suddenly realizing what those are.

Well, first of all,

yes, that's the only right way to say ATM machine.

Some people on Earth call it ask-to-mouth-to-mouth, and that doesn't make any sense.

No, you don't need the mouth twice.

Yeah,

stop trying to resuscitate what I was saying.

Does anyone want to know what I was doing all this week?

Frankie,

what was sort of the catalyst for you and

you and your fish gal breaking up?

I mean, she just really wanted me to pick a side, you know, and I just, I don't feel strongly enough one way or another.

And it's really made me kind of check in with myself.

Like,

who am I?

You know, who is Frankie?

What is a Frankie?

You know?

And so I spent a lot of time drinking.

Yeah.

And, yep.

And I went to

alcohol.

Yes.

Okay.

Ducks drink alcohol.

I was just checking.

I just wanted to be sure.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a drunk dunk.

Drunk.

Drunk dunk.

That's insane.

I'm a drunk dunk.

Is she just drunk?

She's a drunk duck.

I'll get us a round then.

A round for everyone.

An ale?

Who wants an ale?

Arnie, an ale?

Nope, keep guessing.

Don't make me guess.

Tell me what you want.

Can I have a mead with a little caviar on top?

A little caviar floater?

Caviar mead, yes.

I can't have that anymore because it reminds me of my girlfriend.

I'm sorry, Frankie.

Barney, do you also want a caviar mead?

No, I'll have an ale.

Frankie, what can I get for you?

Do you have like some reeds that have been left in swamp water and then distilled?

Do you have that?

Yeah, but it's up in my room.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

What were you up to this week?

Oh, you see.

He already left.

Oh, wait, you wanted to know what I was doing all this time?

No, we've moved on.

No.

Oh, shit.

All right, I'll be back.

So, Frankie, what side was your ex-girlfriend on?

Was she for the sea?

Was she for the land?

Oh, she was for the sea, you know, because the top half, so in order to breathe, she's got to be underwater.

Um, so she's, she's, you know, solid underwater.

And like, I do date a lot of different people from a lot of different places.

And I like to think like I'm culturally pretty like aware.

But we had, you know, we just, we had some differences, and she just felt like I wasn't, you know, didn't have her back thin 100%.

And she's probably not.

It's probably hard to have her back when you don't know exactly where her back is, like, in compare, like, where her, like, back back is.

Yes, and just like a shark, you could only kind of, you know, I could only rub her one way, because if I went the other way, it would, like, rip my wing off.

Oh, yeah.

Oof.

Yeah.

Oh, Arnie, we should tell you, never rub a shark the wrong way.

Okay.

Don't do it.

Yeah, don't do it.

I'm going to avoid rubbing a shark entirely, I think.

No, you're missing out.

What are the great joys of life rubbing a shark?

Ooh.

What's the good?

What good does it bring?

Well, I don't want to ruin it for you if you ever change your mind.

Not going to.

This is so embarrassing, but I just...

I just dropped an egg.

I'm

super sorry.

I dropped an egg.

Dropped or laid?

You know what?

I've had quite a few eggs, and my pelvic floor isn't what it used to be.

And sometimes I cough or sneeze or laugh, and an egg just kind of just kind of falls out.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

No, don't be sorry.

It's embarrassing.

Do you wax your pelvic floor?

Or I probably shouldn't ask that.

Do I wax my pelvic floor?

Wax your pelvic floor?

I should have asked that.

I think that's crazy.

Oh, Mr.

Astomouth is suddenly so demure.

I do not wax my pelvic floor, but

I do a series of exercises to try and strengthen my pelvic floor.

Yeah.

So I do that.

Then I take, you know, different things I find around and I put them up there.

And then I grip them and I drop them and I grip them and I drop them.

Oh, seagulls.

That's what seagulls do.

Yep, exactly.

But with my pelvic floor.

So here's an ale for you, Ani.

Mead with caviar.

And then for you, Frankie, I got some distilled swamp water from Reeds.

And of course, I'm going to drink an entire bottle of elderflower liqueur.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Would you like any?

Oh, no, thank you.

Okay.

No, no, thank you.

That's what we were all talking about while I was gone.

You want to talk about what I did this week?

Hmm.

Give us the first word.

I?

Okay.

No.

I'm out.

I'm out.

Wow.

Your friends are tough.

They are.

You know, I mean, they're not like might rip you beak to tail because you won't take a side tough, but they do seem pretty tough.

Yeah,

it can be a little difficult at times to find the purchase that I need for the friendship woes and triumphs I'd wish to share, for the good times and the growth that we could all

okay.

Tell us one thing you did this weekend.

I learned a new spell.

Oh, cool.

So, Frankie,

what do you

kind of do for a living?

Do you have a job?

I am a model.

I'm a model duck.

So, yeah, so people, you know, hire me for paintings or for commercials.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

Yep.

So you might have seen me, you know, around just selling stuff.

What sort of products have you been in paintings for?

To promote?

Lingerie.

Oh, oh.

That's right.

And I think I saw that.

I think I saw that on the side of the road.

There was a giant painting of a duck in lingerie.

That was you?

That was me.

That was absolutely me.

Yes, 100%.

You know, I mean, a lot of people, when you think about a duck, you don't necessarily automatically think sensual, but ducks are very sensual creatures.

Yeah.

You know?

Very sensual creatures.

The way water cascades off your back.

Thank you.

Sumptuous.

Yeah.

Yeah, I also have been selling pictures of my flippers.

Okay.

Just to kind of get me through this.

Sure, sure.

Yes.

It's a war times, lean times.

I understand.

There's no problem.

You got to do what you got to do.

My goph kicked me out.

So, like, you know, I don't, I'm like in between places, and it's really hard to find a place right now.

Like, just so you don't even have a place to stay.

No, I'm just like drifting from place to place.

There's like, nobody wants to rent to me.

Nobody wants me to stay there because I won't pick a side.

So it's, it's, you know, it's, it's hard right now.

So I just, you know, keep selling those flipper picks.

And, you know, is that anything like OnlyFins?

Yeah, that's right.

It is exactly like OnlyFins.

And I did learn about it from my ex, who, but caviar was really just a passion.

Her passion is serving you the eggs that she makes with her own body.

Sure.

But the way that her real income stream,

her real income upstream,

is actually, you know, from OnlyFans.

I've definitely subscribed to Duck Hunt

a few times.

It's usually like ducks being sexy and then there's like a giggling dog in front of them.

Okay.

Can you say that again?

No, I'd rather not.

Yeah, no, I like that one because, you know, you can, you get the action of, you know, cocking.

You gotta, because you gotta, you gotta cock that, uh, you gotta keep, you know, this, this action.

I've never seen a duck make that motion with its wings.

It's just uh fascinating to see you do it.

I mean, if you, if you were to take away my feathers, you would see that my hands, you know, look exactly like yours.

User.

You sir, is that the spell?

Did you learn a de-feathering spell?

I've always known a de-feathering spell.

I love birds.

Wait, ducks have human hands under their feathers?

Do you mind if we de-feather your hands for a minute?

Just yeah, I can put them right back.

Yeah, yeah, go for it.

Ingathalatia.

Wow.

Yeah, right?

Isn't that crazy?

That is wild.

You have fingernails.

Yes, I do.

Absolutely, I do.

I get them done.

And then I stick up.

I was going to ask, did you paint those yourself?

Yes, of course I did.

You know, you got to keep your appearances up even when you're going through massive depression and anxiety.

Sure.

You know, even when everyone has outlawed you and like pushing you to the side, you still have to like take care of yourself, you know?

You have to take care of yourself.

Absolutely.

And I see you're wearing a mood ring, and it looks like

sort of a deep orange.

Not sure what that means.

You sir, do you know

with a mood ring what deep orange means?

Yeah, I think it means I'm feeling very fringe.

Oh, right.

I think, yeah.

Sensual but not sexual.

Duckless

trying to

duck love.

Exactly.

Just trying to make your way in the world.

I experienced a little bit of ennui.

Right, exactly.

There is some sadness built into it.

Frankie,

if you don't have a place to stay, Ani, Chunt, why don't we let Frankie stay here?

And then,

since ducks famously sleep with one eye open, we'll always be safe.

Absolutely.

I'm sure we could magic a pond somewhere around here.

Well, how about right in front of you?

I'm sure I'll just magic up a fucking pond.

Every time you want something done, I'm just going to magic it up.

The fuck?

Don't you want to listen about my week?

All right, fine.

What was the spell?

Fine

spell you learned.

Better not be a pond spell.

I learned how to turn the color green into the color blue.

Oh.

Wow.

Well, that would be useful for a pond if the pond had some sort of problem with its pH balance.

Right.

When the pond gets sort of grimy and green, you can just change the color back to blue.

It doesn't actually fix anything, but it looks a lot better.

Looks safe.

Looks safe to drink.

Wow.

Yeah, right.

I hate when a a pond gets kind of slimy.

Pond scum.

Yeah, you really got to watch that pH balance, you know?

You really, like, you got to just make sure that you're keeping it clean.

That was you, too.

That big poster for the pH.

Check your pH, and you're kind of looking back over your wing, and you're kind of like, your bill's a little bit open, but it's like water just rolling off of you.

I thought it was a very wet and horny ad for checking pH balances.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, you know, I mean,

it's for a

product that you use to wash that, you know, helps adjust that pH balance.

And as somebody who was, you know, having sex with a fish,

you really got to be got to be careful.

Sure.

You got to be careful.

Got to be careful.

Do you got any sky friends, Frankie?

You know, I do.

But

flying has always been my weakest ability, you know?

Me too.

So, yeah.

I mean, if you've seen a duck walk or run, you know that that's like my number one skill.

I'm so good at walking and running.

Okay.

It's like

a duck to a track.

That's correct.

Yeah.

Like a duck to a track.

And then second, I would say, is swimming or gliding.

I don't even know that I so much swim.

You know, I'm just kind of gliding.

So flying is, you know, it's not like my favorite.

And I feel like a lot of the other flight animals kind of poke fun at me when I'm up there.

Out of everybody, they're like my least favorite.

That's very rude.

Should we kill them?

Yes.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, there are a lot of very attractive birds.

I agree.

You know?

But yeah, they're just,

they're kind of, I don't know.

Have you ever, like, have you ever seen a vulture?

Oh, yeah, I've seen a vulture.

Arnie, have you seen a vulture?

Do they have vultures on earth?

Yeah, and you know what?

Week after week, they don't recommend our podcast.

I don't get it.

So then you know they're the worst, you know?

They're just like they pick it carrion.

And did you know that they actually, that they don't have feathers on their heads so that their pH balance on their head remains good and they don't get any infections on their face?

That's okay.

So head, safe head with the vultures.

A vulture will give you safe head.

That's correct.

Easy, easy kneecap.

Not what I would have guessed.

Easy.

Not what I would have guessed.

Easy, buddy.

Stroke the middle of your nose.

Easy, boy.

Easy boy.

Now, everyone hates vultures, but

what about starlings?

Don't you hate starlings even more?

The worst fucking birds?

Yes.

I mean, they fly in those huge flocks.

Who needs that many friends?

Like,

how bad do you have to feel about yourself if you need that many people around you at all times?

You know?

Right.

Why would you need a whole bunch of friends?

People who like you want to hear about what you did during the week.

Exactly.

You know, maybe you should get an OnlyFins and you can tell tell people on there what you did during the week.

Sometimes they might even give you some trinkets, some crackers.

I work for crackers.

So,

you know, you can kind of pick what they pay you in.

I do like crackers.

Do I have to grow a fin?

Yeah, I mean, do you have a fin spell?

Also, speaking of, will you make my hands back into wings?

Because this is very uncomfortable.

Sorry, it's got to be cold.

I promised I would.

It feels very vulnerable, and I don't care for it.

It was so weird to watch you crack your knuckles and sort of like like shadow box.

Shmirkity booky booky burr.

Thank you.

That's that's much better.

Do I have a fin spell?

Not that comes to mind, but perhaps I could go search through my tomes and spell books trying to find one.

Chunt, do you just want to morph into something that has a fin and just sort of ride on my head?

Ooh, yeah, that's kind of fun.

Kind of a tandem thing.

Yeah, so you can ride my face and then we'll just go and we'll do an only only fins

okay

let me just sit down on your face here mustache rides are free someone someone should i presume that fear doesn't cost anything either but this is uh i just feel like this is gonna do really well i think that there's a very specific crowd that is looking for exactly exactly this i don't know why you needed chun for that you could have just used your hat changed your hat and you could have done like a deepest bluest my hat is like a shark's fin.

Well, that's a good idea.

Chunt, I don't need you anymore.

I'm sorry, but

before I go, could you give me like a like a

close enough?

Let's take a quick break.

So, I look, I know we've all been participating in this gig economy.

Like, I've been doing some OnlyFins.

I do sexy adventure time drawings.

Um, I don't do all the characters.

Only Finns, what is adventure?

What is the three of us going on adventures have to do with fins?

It's shockingly popular on Earth.

What's it about?

My drawings?

Yeah, could you be most specific?

What's that?

Could you be most specific?

No.

I can't fucking think of one.

A million characters, and I can't think of one.

Now, you told me you were going to start your own site to get off of OnlyFins, and you're going to call it Jacob?

Yes.

Yeah,

but

my work wasn't up to the quality I would like to.

I was coming up with stuff that was less than Jake.

Well, you know, I mean, one of the best channels on OnlyFins is, um, you know, a lot of people are into real big fish.

Yes.

And where would I pick that up, pick it up, pick it up?

I think you have to follow them around.

I think...

I don't think you can just go anywhere.

I think you have to kind of like go where they go, right?

And they're going everywhere.

Oh, okay.

Well, maybe another another time.

Maybe another, uh, when I have some more free time.

Sounds good.

I don't know why, but this conversation is making me so angry.

Yeah, I know.

It's very uncomfortable in here.

And everyone's knees keep getting really high.

Look, there's no reason to be angry.

Uh, uh, Frankie, we feel for you.

You're torn betwixt three worlds.

And we want to help you come to some sort of uh

new sense of balance in your life.

Uh, First of all, we want you to have a roof over your head.

You're welcome here anytime.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be back.

And also, Frankie, I'm sorry I have to ask this, but I just do because every time someone says all of my friends are turning against me because of my political beliefs, I just have to ask, are you an asshole?

Like, I'm just making sure, like, because sometimes those people are assholes.

Like, I'm not saying that's you.

I'm just making sure.

I don't think I'm an asshole.

I think that I just, you know, I like to, i like to do my own research and i like to uh

i have my own you know views on things i don't i don't like somebody else telling me how i should feel

um

you know i would say that like if somebody was like inviting me i feel like right now somebody's inviting me to like three different parties but i'm like a fourth party you know what i mean like i don't want to go to either any of those parties uh so i made my own party we do need a viable fourth party That's true.

We do need a viable fourth party.

So, you know, and I just, I like to, I listen to a lot of people, you know, who are not like part of the part of the main stream that runs into the pond, but, you know, some of the smaller tributaries.

You know, I like to, I like to go meet people from there and listen, just listen to what they have to say, you know, because you got to keep your, you got to keep an open mind.

So no, I don't think I'm an asshole.

I think I just, you know, I think I just trust myself

more than I trust, you know, anybody, the leaders of any particular

organization.

I'm really torn because on the one hand, that seems maybe not smart, but on the other hand, a lot of the leaders in Foon are crazy bad.

So

I really know where to stand on this.

You know, this is a total sidebar, but you brought up tributaries, and I just wanted to mention that I've always really liked Joey Tributary.

He was one of my favorites.

How's he doing?

How is he doing?

Joey Tributary is doing great.

Doing just great.

How's he doing?

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Good.

Yeah, it's all fun and games till he hangs out with his sister, huh?

His sister?

Yeah, I think he kind of had a spin out with his sister.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, right.

Right.

Kind of lost the popularity after that.

Yeah.

I think he played...

He did so poorly, I didn't even know that happened.

I think that he played Mittens with the Monkey.

That can't be right.

I don't know.

I kind of think I love this guy.

See, I mean, you can, that's what I'm saying, is you can find, you know, good points of view in the most unlikely of places.

Now, would people think that Joey Tributary is like the smartest person they've ever met?

No.

No.

No.

But he has a unique perspective.

Sometimes he'll dress up like an eel.

He calls himself Dr.

Drake Ramore Eel, I believe.

Yes, he does.

And if I remember correctly, for me, when he does things like that, he's actually more believable as a human being.

Yeah, sadly, yeah.

Sadly.

Oh, I love my friends.

Huh?

I love my friends.

You guys, my friends.

I love my friends.

Even me?

Even you.

I did live in a fountain for a while.

Was that you?

Oh, I saw that painting of you dancing in the fountain.

Yeah, I lived in a big fountain underneath an umbrella.

Oh, yeah, that deserves three or four claps.

What is that?

Three or four claps.

Let me see.

Yeah, four.

I think it's four.

But here's the thing.

Look, we got to get back to your problems, Frankie.

Okay.

Your life's a joke.

You're broke.

Your love life's D-O-A.

D-O-A, Arnie.

Is that like A-T-M?

Yeah, Dick.

I know what the A stands for.

Like, I just, you guys have been so so great to me.

Um, and I just want you to know that I'll be there for you also.

So when the rain starts to fall,

especially because I, it'll just roll right off, right off my back.

Water off a duck's back.

Frankie, you're here, baby.

Water duck's back.

It really hasn't been my day, my week, my month, or even my year.

Oh, you sidor buddy.

You really have been stuck in second gear.

What does that mean?

I'm not sure.

I can't really explain it.

Is that an earth thing?

I think

we've said all of them.

Well, Frankie, I don't know if you're...

I gotta say, I appreciate that.

And please count on us for anything you need.

We'll be there

liquidity split.

I wanted to see if you would be comfortable, if I could maybe enlist you to help spread the word of peace to

the different factions of animals, since you have your, you know, your...

I don't know if you call it a foot or it's like a claw or I don't know what you have down there.

Wait, flippers?

Flippers.

Your flippers.

You kind of have your flipper in all three worlds.

So

did you want to kind of help me spread peace?

Oh, my gosh.

I would be like a real fun hero.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

You know, in fact, I have had this idea for like a traveling duck play.

You know, where I would go out and just like tell people about all the bad stuff that's happening in the world that like that like other people are doing

so that they yeah i will because i want people to know things are bad things are bad everywhere like a documentary like a documentary thank you

holy shit that was good

like a documentary oh wow well that sounds like a truly uh important calling uh i couldn't be prouder of you i love birds that's well established i've always loved birds so frankie i loved you from the second you came up to the table and uh if there's anything you need to get your documentary started, I'd gladly donate.

Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah, I would absolutely just love

some crackers and some bread.

And that's pretty much like 90% of my day is just like sourcing crackers and bread.

So if you just, that would like really take that off of my plate so that I can constantly.

You just need some carbs to get you started.

Your lung language is carbohydrates.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

You know, and bonus if there's my girlfriend's eggs on top, top, but if

that's not going to happen anymore, then that is what it is.

I would like to pledge 10 cracker tins full of crackers as long as I get executive producer credit and a t-shirt.

Sold.

Ah, great.

Wow.

Absolutely.

You can have a t-shirt.

Is there any way that I can help support these duck tails?

Ooh.

You're just going to need some help.

And look, I hate to start this.

And every day you'll be out there making duck tails.

I know.

I hate to start us down this path.

But you know, I do know life is like a hurricane.

And so you're going to need some help.

Oh, here comes the story of the hurricane.

Yeah, I would absolutely, like, if you happen to have, I don't know, this is, I'm really reaching, but like, let's say you have a big room full of gold doubloons that we could all swim in.

Yeah.

Like, that would help me

produce these duck tails.

Like race cars, lasers, aeroplanes.

I think there's one of those rooms in here.

Arnie,

I i don't know what those words are that you said um i once

i that sounds amazing um i once saw a gem goblin dive into a pool of gold pieces broke his neck broke his neck yeah oh no well you have to you have to make sure that it's not too shallow oh oh yeah you know you gotta like make sure it's got a nut i mean if anyone could do it it's a duck right oh yes yeah good call good call they dive under the surface all the time adept at all manner of uh

methods of air, sea, and land, so it makes sense that they could easily adapt to a pool of gold coin.

Exactly.

So, yeah,

that would be great.

Yeah.

Well, done.

As soon as I find this room full of gold, I know we've got.

Oh, and Frankie, you were mentioning, you bring up an amazing point.

We do need a fourth, you know, sort of party in Foon.

And I was thinking, I don't know if you've ever met Pizza Skull, but he's a cool skull with attitude.

And I feel like we could maybe start a pizza party.

I feel like a lot of people could get behind a pizza party.

Oh my gosh.

I was, I, well, I mean, I was going to call it the mighty ducks, but I think that a pizza party also sounds like a great idea because pizza has a lot of crust and people don't like to eat the crust, but I do.

So they throw it, you know, on the ground.

So I'm good with that.

Well, yeah, I've got some pizza crust in my pocket.

Oh, great.

If it's from a pocket, that makes it even better because that means that there's like some yummy fuzz on the outside of it.

Oh, thank you so much.

That is oh, your pocket is steaming.

That is a hot pocket.

Mm-hmm.

Ow, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you've made that gaffe again.

Yeah, Arnie, I made that joke again.

Arnie's over here being like, oh, Chun's making that joke again.

I should probably say something.

And I'm sitting here being like, Arnie, shut the fuck up.

And then Arnie's like, oh, he told me to shut the fuck up.

Chun, I keep telling you, that's a voice in your head.

I don't know.

Why is the voice in your head so critical?

I don't know oh what a weird thing to do oh artie

artie i can't tell if you're doing that or that's in my head uh artie do you have an email email me oh yes uh i do actually hey uh dear listener we love you so much i'm sorry i haven't addressed you directly since the beginning of the podcast you can always email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies it's a real email address you can also join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern i encourage you to join it via the website and not the app because apparently apparently there are new added fees if you join via the app.

But anyway, I'm sure

can we address the audience at any time?

We can address the audience at any time.

Whoa.

And Arnie, did you just say Viva La website?

Did I just say diva lebsite?

Viva.

Oh, I did a burlesque show for a while and my name was Diva LaWebsite.

Because of your web toes.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

That makes sense.

You surround, you sir, you surrender.

What?

What?

Oh, we

should address the audience.

Audience.

List to me now.

This is Yusador.

Any has an email to read, but I must beseech thee on mine behalf.

If you believe in me, clap your hands.

I don't hear any clapping.

I don't hear anything either.

All right, read your email.

Okay, so here's an email.

It's actually about the animal war.

Here's an email that reads, With the impending war of the animals, is Chun at all concerned about the badgers?

Last I knew, they weren't very happy with him, and and I'd hate for anything to happen to my favorite little badgie, a very worried pest control technician.

Oh,

yeah, that's a good call.

You know what?

I actually recently haven't seen a lot of badgers.

You see the occasional one on the road, but typically I will, you know, stop walking on two legs, get down on all fours, and kind of grow my fur out over any, you know, starmor I'm wearing or...

you know, hide any weapons I might have or,

you know, just to kind of blend it.

It is funny.

Last I remember back in season one you were briefly the king of the badgers right and then all the badgers turned on you because you weren't really a badger in fact they actually sold us out to the dark lord as well if i remember correctly

is that right yeah i guess i guess i was king of the badger for a while i just kind of ruled myself right um

yeah i guess i guess i haven't seen a lot of badgers i wonder what they're up to is this a recap Anything else we want to go back and cover from 10 years ago?

Ooh, Arnie, could we segue into a clip show?

Sure.

Oh, that'd be good.

But Chunt, I just want to let you know,

recently,

it wasn't winter solstice, just a few weeks ago.

And I, you know, every winter solstice, I write a letter to all our friends and family, you know, telling about our exploits.

And I definitely sent one to the Badgers so that they know what you're up to and where you're at and how to find you.

Shit.

We should probably get this tavern's legs moving.

Okay.

It's a good idea.

You know what?

Why don't...

Oh, wait, take this pitcher of water.

Frankie, I'm just going to pour this water on the tavern floor, and then that's...

That's your paper.

Is it avian water?

It's the only one.

Just avian water.

I don't know what I can.

No, no, it is, Chanto.

I'm sure it's avian.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that'd be good.

So go for it.

So that's your home now.

Ooh, sorry, that's spreading out more than I thought it would.

A lot of it's being soaked up by the wooden blanks, but I'm sure you'll make do until you sort of learn to pawn spell.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's another egg.

I'm really sorry.

But I can provide you with eggs.

So

we're back to what did you say earlier about the ATMs?

Right?

It's I can provide you with ATMs.

Yay!

Ass to mouth.

Ass to mouth.

Ass to mouth.

As to mouth.

If the iHeart Podcast's awards committee listens to a single 10-second clip before handing out the award for Best Fiction Podcast, I find myself praying it's the 10 seconds we just heard.

Use It All the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

Frankie the Duck was played by special guest Christy Bonstell.

When she's not busy baking homemade cinnamon buns each day at sunrise for every firefighter in Illinois, Christy enjoys hot yoga, swimming the perimeter of Lake Michigan, tidying up public libraries for free, and never resting.

Merzia the Red Queen was played for one word by Janet Varney.

Oh, that's after the credits.

Never mind.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

I'm only now realizing there are no custom t-shirt updates in these post-show credits I'm making up, which just shows when God closes a door, he also gives you a tiny break from talking about mouse pee-pee or whatever.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Advil Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Still got it, kids.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Frisky.