Season 5, Ep 41 - Metamore Now (w/ Bill Arnett)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And for all you listeners in the northern and eastern section of North America, the first breath of springtime is finally peeking around the... Oh, wait, this copy is for a few months from now.
Um,

winter is going to go on for quite a while longer. But that means the perfect time to cozy up with some quality audio recordings.
I wish I had some to recommend.

In the meantime, as our tagline goes, we're better than silence. So sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and 10 or 11-ish months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wandere Lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Aw, yeah, baby.
How you doing, cuz? Good, cuz. How you doing, Arnie? I'm so sorry that you lost your 10-year.

What's this again? I'm pretty sure last episode you lost your 10-year, and now you have to start...

I think Momo fired you. Something happened where you lost your 10-year-old.
We were coming so close to 10 years, and I had...

Yeah. And I had almost achieved 10-year, year and then I could never be fired from the podcast.
Yeah, but you got fired last episode, I'm pretty sure.

And I'm back, but so you're saying that clock resets? The clock resets.

So is there anything I can help in terms of the next 10 years?

Anything I can do to help make your transition easier? My biggest question, it refers to like the next couple of months because

I wouldn't go so far as to say we've been planning anything, but the 10-year anniversary is coming up. Will we not be able to celebrate that? Or will I just not be able to participate?

Oh, we'll celebrate 10 years to the absolute max. Of course, 10 years is huge.
I'm saying you lost your 10-year. Oh, okay, I see.
See, I'm saying 10-year, and you're saying 10-year.

What is the difference again? I'm going dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, and you're going dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Does that make sense?

The weird thing is, I love one of those and hate the other one, and I don't know why.

Ah, well, one is okay, all right okay i mean look this hate the second one i sort of mildly am amused by the first one i love gotcha okay oh speaking of uh loving one and being mildly amused by the other my other co-host usidor the wizard oh

i just i i barely made it back in time

arnie chunt it is i usidor wizard of the twelfth realm of aphesius master of light and shadow manipulator of magical delights Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Traucus, the Elves Newbius.

I'm so sorry to interrupt you. The Dwarves.

I'm so sorry to interrupt you. I just need to remind our listeners, this episode, like every episode, brought to you by Ratshit and Mouse Com.
Ratshit and Mouse Com.

The dwarves know me as Zonan and Hook Stanges, and I'm known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

And lo, this week I have been traveling through the wild world on mine friend Grimhoof, the fifth fastest horse in Foon, who's shown me terrible things that have been happening all around.

And I decided that I would lend a hand and help some poor, distraught war windows.

War windows? Yes, correct. Arnie, I don't know if you know this, but sometimes during a war, there's a tragic thing that happens where buildings are destroyed.

And I've been going around collecting the windows, and these war windows, I've brought them back here. Here!

What do you think of that one?

Oh, I see what's happening, Arnie.

Arnie, usually war windows are pretty lonely.

You know, they don't have anybody at night, get a little drafty, so I think Usidor is just trying to, you know, he's trying to defense straight a little bit.

Looking up that word. Yes.

Don't look it up too closely because I'm not 100% sure I'm using it correctly. So Usidor, you're saving war windows.

What about the people who cleaned the war windows what about war windowers uh well i'm i'm afraid that uh i i haven't uh been able to help them yet uh but uh if i encounter any i'll bring them back here would you be willing to adopt a war window

adopt one yes yeah arny form a war bond

yeah form a war bond it's good for foon arnie trust me it's good for food in 20 years you'll be glad you raised it to be clear which war is this for? Like, which war was it the animal war?

Was it the wizard war? There may be other small skirmishes going on that I'm not even aware of. I was just on my horse.

Well, my friend who's a horse. I was on my horse.

I was on my friend who's a horse, and I saw a building destroyed, clearly by I don't know if it was a whale that jumped out of the ocean and knocked over a building or a wizard's errant fireball.

And I said, this window must be saved, this war window.

And I thought I would bring it back here and see Arnie if you wanted to adopt it or marry it, whatever.

Seems like you're mostly just riding around town collecting fucked up windows. That's right.
Okay.

That's good. That's good to know.
Guys,

I love you both so much. Oh, you have any

NA beer?

NA ale? Oh.

Okay.

Over by the bar, is that our old buddy Metamore? I believe it is. A Metamore! Metamore!

Hello!

You guys! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Okay,

you guys can't.

Y'all have to be quiet.

Okay, this is a trip. Somebody's trying to kill me.
Oh, what? Yes. Wait, someone's trying to kill you and you're ordering non-alcoholic beer? Well, I

want to stay.

I'm a lightweight, you know that. And I

just.

Someone's trying to kill me, so I'm trying to keep a low profile and I don't want to lose my edge. Sure.

But alcohol with dull. Yeah.
That's what we're told in school, you know, to not drink. Menamore, have you ever had actual alcohol?

I'm sure at some point, probably, yes, maybe. I don't know.
You'd remember. I think you'd remember.
I had a cough potion one time that burned, you know, when I was a kid.

We've all had that cough potion, and,

you know, it's makes you a little bit, you have weird dreams. Yeah.
Rhubarb tussin.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes we're like, I should should mix this potion with something else, and

who knows what it'll do.

Oh, yeah. I just...
Always administered by an adult. That's kind of the one's fault, at least for me.
Yeah.

Someone's trying to kill me. Who? What? Who's trying to kill you, Metamorph? I don't know.

Oh, you don't know. Well, you don't call me...

Go? What?

We want to help you. I'll help protect you.
I can cast a spell of protection on you or something.

They don't call me Menamor. What do they call you? They call me Corlocks.
Corlocks? Yeah.

Okay, Corlocks, open up the door. Bang, bang, bang.
We're coming in.

Does the name Corlocks mean anything to you? No, it doesn't. That's just it.
Okay, here's the thing. Let me start at the beginning.
Okay, yeah. So I was visiting Monte Carlo.
Have you met Monty?

I have not. Yeah.
Oh, I know Monty, yeah. Fantastic guy.
Great guy. Sounds fancy.
No, his house is a disaster. Oh.
Chunch, you know Monty, right? Oh, yeah, big gambler. Yeah, yeah.

The Count of Monte Carlo, right? Is he a Count?

Counting cards, he says.

I'm trying to be funny. I never laughed, but that's what he says.

Worked on me. I hate it when someone gives themselves a nickname and laughs at it, and then we're all like, okay, yeah, I mean, we like you still, but

yeah, that shouldn't count, right? Yeah. No.
Well, if there's one thing we don't like, it's name humor. Well, giving yourself a march magic.

So here's the thing. I got knocked on the head.
So suddenly I'm hanging out at Monte Carlo, not feeling very good.

And then there's a bang on the door and I hear people speaking in some kind of dwarvish underworld language. And you know what I do?

To be clear, I'm so sorry. To be clear, underworld language because they're dwarves who live underground.

Well, yeah, or just any, any, any of the underground dwellers. Oh, okay.
You know, miners. Gophers.
Miners. Human miners, for instance.
Yes, young children that live underground.

They have their own language? Is it like Pagolatin? Oh, Arnie, you're so based. Of course they have their own language.
But they're cut off from the rest of the world. Right.

You know, it well, anyway, you keep them down there so you can't count them. That's why.
Yeah, I see. I love it when the children bloom in the spring.
It's a beautiful sight.

They come out of the caves. Do they see their shadow? Do they not see their shadow? Right.
Their skin is all pasty, and you can see right through it. They're like a ghost.

Yeah, they look like a gerbil. So here's the thing.
Let me tell the story.

So there's a banging on the door and someone's yelling in some kind of dwarvish underworld language and i say shut up go away in their language

what oh that i didn't know i could speak

yeah how is that possible i don't know i would understand if you were drunk because sometimes when i'm drunk i'll say something and i'm like whoa something happened and you sort of was like you just did a spell and i'm like what And I'm just drunk and I just kind of subconsciously know it, but you don't drink, so.

There's a whole danger of drunk spells, you know, because if you start slurring your speech and you start saying some ancient

language accidentally, you could, you know, set the whole place on fire, turn your father into your mother and your mother into your father,

erase time for the last six years,

you know, make your sm your olfactory sense.

You smell things that are sweet as like they're sour and sour things like they're wet dog.

You could also,

what are some other things you could do? I mean,

when I did my spell, I think I stopped time.

And I think the way the spell worked was I got so drunk that I then lost a shoe, and then I sat down on someone's porch with Usidor, and I was like, what is Brian doing?

Brian's. I feel like Brian's always acting this way, and I don't know what I've done to Brian.
And I guess that was the exact wording for some sort of spell to stop time.

Yeah, you were slurring your speech quite a bit, though. So it didn't sound exactly like you said it just then.
Had you, you know, been

kind of

Brian, you know, that might have caused it to stop time again right now. Wow.
I'm sorry, Metamore. Yeah, it's fine.

No, so these guys, these ruffians broke into the house, and there were just three of these really just gross-looking dudes, some orcs and things.

And I beat them up

with some mystical hand-swinging kick. And I didn't, I can't do that.
Oh, sure. I mean, to be clear, for new listeners, Metamore, you're

like a nerd. Scrollish.
Scrollish. Scrollish, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, yeah. That's what's so crazy about it.
And they're trying to kill me. They're calling me this other crazy Krolock's name that I've never heard before.

I'm speaking other languages. Oh, and I know all kinds of like crazy moves to beat people up and throw elbows and things.
That is wild. Oh, quick, quick check, quick check.

Is there any amulet or pendant under your clothing

that might connect you to a long-lost twin? Oh, no, there isn't. That's a good guess.
Okay, had to check

the ring. And it's almost like the identity I was born with is not my identity.

See, my next guess was gonna be it was a limitless potion.

I guess it wasn't that. So, you think that perhaps you are switched at both? Or just something happened.
I had some past life. That's the identity I was born with.

But now my mind got scrambled or erased, and and now I have a new identity as Metamore.

I see. Now, Metamore, one, I'm going to throw out one more theory before we really delve into helping you.
Okay. So as I remember, you are obsessed with this role-playing game, Offices and Bosses.

You are off in the Office Manager.

We've done lots of wonderful Offices and Bosses games with you. Great fun.
Great fun. It's a wonderful game.
Yeah, some of them on the Patreon, behind the paywall.

People should definitely check those out.

Is it possible that you role-played so hard that you think something that happened in a game really happened do we have like a mazes and monsters situation on our hands

mazes and monsters is that okay oh no let me put that in terms you'll understand we have a tom hanks early career situation on our hands whoa

yeah yeah

oh arnie this is when he had tits or something yeah so he's he's dressing up like a woman to live in a woman's hotel look first of all it's you said it holds up what was it he said? It holds up.

You keep calling it tit friends, and that show was called Bosom Buddies. Same thing.
Oh, not the same. Tomato tomato, tenure, tenured.

So, Metamore, is there any way can we like roll for sanity or something? Like, can we roll some dice to make sure that that's not what's doing this to you? Okay, that's just a game, Arnie.

Okay, that's a game. Okay.
People are really trying to kill me here, okay? Okay, sorry.

Usually, I'm better at keeping reality and fantasy separated. Well, I suppose we could use a spell to kind of recess your brain

and

reset yourself,

find your hidden past, uncover those secrets hidden within the depths of your brain.

And then when once you're done with that, I think if you set up a module, we could probably get a couple hours of role-playing in, play some officers and bosses. Sure, you know, I'd love to.
Yeah.

I mean, if no one tries to kill me, I think that's be fun. Yeah, that'd be really fun.
I mean, if somebody tries to kill you while you're here, just know this:

Usador will mess them up pretty good. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like Menamore sort of handled them pretty handedly, right? Yeah, you said you knocked the shit out of them.

And here's the thing, Menomore. I've only ever, you're such a nerd, no offense.
You're such a fucking nerd, no offense.

I feel like all I've seen you do is like, I've seen you, like, sand your horse or like paint your horse, right?

Wax your horse

on wax on, wax off. Yeah.
Yeah. But how does that correlate to you kicking the shit out of a bunch of dwarves? Zero.

There is absolutely no way that any random tasks around the house could ever equate to any kind of martial combat skill. Yeah, well, tasks around the horse.
Yeah, yeah.

I'd even go further than that. You go further than that with your horse?

In terms of jobs, I mean,

jobs, just jobs. Is what you're saying.
You know, I try to sweep the leg around the house. You know,

I'll kind of crane a leg up to kick a, you know, a cabinet door shut, but that's, that's it.

Grimhoof and I have gone pretty far together. Job stuff? Hand, blow.
What? No, I mean, just like distances. We've gone

long distances and gone. Would you say?

I don't think we've gone all the way. I mean, we haven't been completely around the world yet.

You haven't gone the distance. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Like third base.

Yeah, we've stopped at several bases. I think we made it to the third one.

Yeah. That's where the animals were, you know, their bases are built.
And you're usually on top, right? You're usually on the top.

Yeah, I'm usually the top.

I like that you're usually on the top.

And you ride him pretty hard, right? I ride him very hard. Grimpoves, my friend.
I mean, sometimes, yeah, sure, I'll be at the bottom occasionally. Yeah.

So you ride him hard, and then, you know, you probably have to hose him off

when you put him in the stable. So you put him away wet? I mean, he has been wet when he's been put away, away, certainly.
When you blast him with your big hoes, right?

Huh. Well, let's take a break.

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Metamore. Yeah.
Just to be clear, has anything like this ever happened before? Like, have you ever been beaten up and it was successful?

Many times. Okay.

Yeah, that's what I assume.

It was after this hit on the head, and then suddenly, and then someone saw me, and then I had this compulsion to go searching in this mysterious barn, and I found underneath some of the boards a bag full of clothes of different occupations,

some identity scrolls,

gold, gold of various denominations, little mustaches and beards and hats. Oh, this sounds like Fletcher.
You know the play about the guy who makes arrows? Fletcher. Yeah, he makes arrows, certainly.

Yeah. Oh, it's fun.
They did a second one, wasn't it? It's good. Yeah.

I've heard they've just very recently restaged that play, and not a lot of people saw it, but it's pretty good, too. Oh, well, Metamore just said it was bad.
No, the second one.

I'm talking about the most recent. Oh, there's a sequel and then a remake.
Yes. Oh.
Is that a second sequel or a new original? Or a prequel. It's more of a legacy play where, you know,

they bring in key elements from the first one.

Anyway.

I believe the famous actor Jonathan Pork was the lead in that, correct? Mm-hmm. Yes.
That guy, he's handsome, huh? He's very handsome. Oh, yes.
What a jaw. So, Metamore, you found a bag full of.

Were there like papers? And if you had to cross a border?

Yeah, like documents stating that it was all kinds of various people and things.

What were some of the names on the documents? Yes, yes, exactly.

Here it here. Go through, go through it.
Okay, let's see if we can find the one that they called you. Over here.

This one's Jimothy Smitson. Yeah, I don't know.
I'd never heard it. Okay.

Danny Mora?

What is that? Is that a person or a thing? I don't know. Good question.
Just a big blob of horse crap. I don't know.

Look, if there is a Danny Mora anywhere in the multiverse, I'm pretty sure he won't be listening to this. It says age 30, 33.
Make up your mind. Yeah, that's just it.

It's like I was born with a different identity.

whoa uh already what do you got uh this one just says the big man that's somebody i guess

i mean can you use like identification that is just essentially a nickname the big man as long as someone else didn't give you the nickname you can be the big man okay

this one says francisco the talking donkey and there's a picture of your face sticking out of the neck of what is clearly a horse costume Well, I think they're just hoping horse donkey, you know, just a quick glance.

It's very confusing. tsa won't notice anything yeah what does tsa stand for it's not an acronym oh

okay tsa tsa tsa arnie oh okay you haven't you guys had it the wandering hat the bar hasn't come across tsa i i haven't

yeah what who what's t what is tsa sometimes when you're traveling tsa will come over and say what do you think you're doing right now where do you think you're going let me go through your pockets let me check your bags.

Let me see what you're doing.

And then they write an essay about various leaves and

things that they've dried and put in hot water. So it's sort of a T essay.
Okay. They never take anything.
They rifle through your stuff, but don't take anything. It's a lot of nerving.
Oh, yeah.

And they'll run their wands up and down your body. Oh, yeah.
I kind of like getting stopped.

They love to

take out your sword and be like, what are you doing with this? And I'll be like, well, fighting evil. And they're like, all right.
Oh, wait a second. Are those those people?

I ran into them once and they said, go stand over there so we can see under your clothes. No.
No, that's something that I've got. Don't know what that was.
Don't know what that was. Oh, here.

Corlocks. Here's a back that says Corlock.
Oh, oh, my gosh. What is it?

Let's see here. I can't get the bag open.

It has some sort of rune. Isra, have you seen this rune? No, yeah, I can't read runes.
I can't read runes. Oh, it looks like elvish,

but it's sort of an odd dialect.

Kind of

an ancient elvish sound. No, but it took Quanamon.

It opened. It opened! When you said Quanamon! Oh, I closed it.
Oh.

I guess if we say Quanamon? Quanamon? Wait, I want to say it.

Quanamon.

You can't do it at the same time.

Sorry, it's open now. Sorry, I just wanted to try it.

Okay. Who wants to say Quanamon?

You did. Now it's closed.
Oh, Quanamon. You opened it, Ani.
What? Don't say Quanamon. Wait.
You closed it again. Are we sure we're keeping exact track of how many times we've said Quanamon?

Don't worry, I've got it. I've been saying it under my breath a few times.
Oh, boy. Okay.
Look, while it's open, no one say Quanamon. Fuck.
Okay, alright.

Who's gonna say Quanamon this time?

I'll sing it. I'll sing it.
Well, it's open now. Oh, oh, never mind.
Fine. Fuck.
I wrote a little song. You wrote a little song? Yeah, no.
We'll put it after the credits. Oh, we'd love to hear it.

Wait, after the credits, okay. Well, Chunt, don't forget it.
I definitely want to hear it. I won't.
Oh.

If we don't put a Quantum on song after the credits,

definitely send us angry emails. Oh, shit.
Sorry. Look, will you sing the song to me tonight as I'm going to sleep? Well, now it's closed.
You can sing it. Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back to hear my Quantum song. Oh, shit.
Fuck.

Well, it's open now, I believe. Okay, all right.
Yes, it is. I know.
we're all looking right at it. Chun, I just want to know I support all your artistic endeavors.

So while they go through this bag, I just want to build up your self-esteem and let you know I think you have a beautiful singing voice, and I'd love to hear any song that you write. Thank you, buddy.

You're welcome.

And you have a beautiful voice, and I want to hear all your songs, because I know sometimes you write these long songs that nobody else will kind of sit through, but I love sitting through them.

They're beautiful. Oh, I've written some wonderful dirges lately.
Okay, you sort of will put your dirge after the credits, right after the other song that I've explained.

Guys, it's all look at this stuff. It's all like kind of northeastern military thing.
Oh my gosh, there's like a weapon here, but that's sort of disassembled. Oh my gosh, can you assemble it?

It's like a collapsible crossbow or something, something kind of

here. Close your eyes and put your hands on it and see if you just know how to assemble it.

Oh, he broke his neck. Oh, oh,

Look at this scroll.

It's a writ of wrath.

Oh.

It means I could legally go around killing people. What? Okay, who do we want to kill first? Also,

I mean, I don't want to kill anybody. Oh, I don't want you to kill anybody either, Metamore.
Also, I didn't know you have to have that to kill people. We've all killed a few people.

Oh, yeah, but, you know, we shouldn't have. Okay.

Well, if you think about it, there are creatures in Foon that are the size of atoms. So every time we breathe and walk, technically we're killing people.

I know that sucks to hear. If you got a ridda wrath, then you can just throw it in people's faces, you know? Nice.
You can brag about it.

Go to their friends' houses and, like, you know, grab your genitals in front of them and say, look what I did. Get real blase about it.

Yeah, yeah. Because they can't even get revenge.
That's what it's, you know, they can't. No tag backs with a ridda wrath.
Oh, no, no tag backs is huge.

When you're fighting someone, no tag backs is huge. It's a pro move.
Guys, guys, at the very bottom of this bag, there's a blinking stone.

Looks like...

I'm not an expert on these things. It looks like a magical tracker.
Oh, no. Magical tracker.
Someone would be able to track you here to the Wanderlost. Yes, that's exactly what it is, Ani.

Oh, I've taught you well, and you've listed so well to the lessons I have given. Now you are also a magic appreciator appreciator and

knower of stones. You love magical stones almost as much as I do.
Oh, if only you would cut these stones in your hand and allow and just want to ride a horse all of a sudden. Really allow them.

Really allow them to like feel the weight of those stones in your hands and press the stones so that you know they're magical with how they're magically imbued. Save it for the dirge.
Oh, wait,

I've seen this in a play before.

Give me the tracker stone.

Put that on the ground, and I'll stomp it till I break it. Oh, fuck.
Oh, my foot, my foot, my foot, my foot.

Oh, I thought I could just crush it with my foot. They couldn't track us anymore.
Oh,

here,

let me fix your foot with my magical healing rock.

Oh, fuck. Oh, better.
Yes, thank you. Oh, man.
Maybe if we had like a bag that would then keep the magic inside, you know, a sack of some

to put the stones in. I'll eat it.

Ah. But would it would it still track you?

Good luck getting through the magical bullshit that surrounds my body.

Yeah. Well, thank you.
That was very generous of you. I

didn't know what I didn't know what I was going to do with.

Oh, he's casting a spell? Oh, no. He's.

Oh, that's stone.

Oh.

Yeah, passing a spell. I don't think he's casting it.
I'm going to have to pass this spell. Yeah.

Why don't you sit down a spell? Yeah.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

A bunch of dwarven-looking people just walked through the tavern door. Oh, they look really tough.

Should not have eaten that stone.

They're holding up another stone. It's kind of like pulsating.

Everyone, quick, grab a bag with one of the disguises. Okay.

And we'll try on these disguises after this break.

This episode is sponsored by AG-1. Art thou traveling this winter solstice season? To large family gatherings, rampant with children and uncles? Who knows where they've been?

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guys guys be honest would i look better with this beard this fake beard that i'm wearing how does it look compared to my regular beard i think it looks pretty good oh it looks

really good yeah it's not as patchy as your regular beard oh you there you there

we're looking for someone

you're you're like dating like looking you're just no no we're not looking for someone that way we're looking for someone named Corlox that's not a name we've ever heard. Yeah.

What about you, little one? Who me?

Yes, you the sexy little one. My name's Danny Mora.

Oh, and she has the paperwork to prove it. Mm-hmm.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Danny Mora. A pleasure to meet you.
Would you like to go over to the bar and have a drink with me? Uh, yes, please. All right, then.

then i'll let one of my compatriots continue to interrogate you then thank you so much giant you're welcome after five minutes come save me

so what's your name my name my name is um

let me look at this paper uh francisco the talking horse oh wait usidor hey

what wait usidor is that you are you wearing the horse

disguises are too good sorry sorry We're talking to each other. Shit, I gotta get to the bar.
I was supposed to be with that dwarf. Uh, where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Uh, sorry, I had to go slip into something more comfortable. Shapeshift lingerie on top of my fur.

Ah, that's very brave of you to wear such scanty underwear out to the burr like this. Mm-hmm.

What's your name? My name is

Greyhaven the Darkbeard. Ooh, I love him.
Short, Grey, and Darkbeard. I've got my hammer here, and I'm looking for a fella that I want to smash with that hammer pretty hard.

Ooh, I've got a hammer, too. It's a star smasher.
You want to see it? I... A star smasher, yeah.
What an incredible.

Isn't that an ancient dwarven weapon of great fame and renown? I don't know. Tee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
I'm just a little Danny Mora.

You're as cute as a button, Danny Mora, and I'd love to take you back to my love nest.

Oh, um, close your eyes. Okay.

Where's my star camera?

I knocked him out, guys. I knocked him out.
Oh, good. Oh, good.
Has it been five minutes yet? Uh,

does it matter anymore? I don't think so. I don't think so.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Um, where do the other ones go? Bathroom? Out back? They all ran into the bathroom.

They were all they all cross-legged and and while the other one was interrogating us, they definitely needed to use the bathroom.

They're doing drugs in there.

There's no question they're doing drugs in there. Should I go try to sell them some drugs?

I think they already have drugs. That's why they went in there.
Well, sometimes you run to the bathroom to do drugs and you go, oh, I forgot my drugs. No, that's true.

Probably because you were doing drugs. Yeah.

Go in there as Francisco the horse? Francisco the talking horse? Sure. Here I go.

These are great drugs that were taken, eh?

Excuse me, gentlemen. Do you need uh

do you need more more uh more drugs? Who are you? Your voice sounds unconvincing. I'm what do you mean, unconvincing? I'm Francisco the talking horse.
I agree with you, brother.

Just listen to his voice. Something's amiss.

All over the place. I don't know what you mean.

I'm sure if you just wanted to sample some new drugs,

let Francisco be your hooky up.

No, you go, my friend.

Now, you said that I sounded inconsistent, and I just wanted to point out that maybe

that is the podcall indicator black. Well, we have an excuse.
We're doing accent cocaine.

And you see, with accent cocaine anything can come out

Where do you got me there? Well, it's alright, I suppose if you need it illegal because if you take too much it can get real dicey you start

saying things you regret if you don't need any more glorp or anything you just come talk to me Francisco, okay?

Will do Francisco

Arnie, Trunt, Metamore.

It just occurred to me there was no reason for me to put on a disguise.

Oh. Probably not.
Yeah. Yeah.

Did they kind of notice that the tracker got real close to them by chance? They didn't mention it. They were doing accent cocaine.
And I... Oh, man.

Can I just say, anytime you do accent cocaine, you just have to cross your fingers and hope. Because one out of 20 times, it's bad.
Yeah, you don't know what's coming out. Oh, yeah.

You could get the chancellored at the chancellor come and yell at you for being inappropriate. That's true.
Now, so do any of us know, are these dwarves, do they look?

Here's my question: Do these dwarves look good or evil? Like, is it possible like Menamor?

Are they after you for a good reason, maybe, or a bad reason? Oh, like, yeah, maybe they want to give you like a big inheritance or something.

They want to kill me. I'm certain of it.
I don't know. They want to kill me.

What is your earliest memory?

Well, I remember being in like middle school, but I was like an adult middle school. That's pretty late.
That was weird. I was like, why are you so big and tall? Why do you shave?

You know, so like, that was like a memory of mine.

Arnie, we told you about middle school. I don't think so.
What's the one they build below the top school and above the bottom school?

Yeah. You have to work your way up to the top school, and then you get to,

once you have

matriculated to the top, you can then you're allowed to cast a flying spell and fly away once you've learned everything you can possibly learn. The stairs only go one way.

That's right. Although, ever since that king in the 80s, who kept saying we're gonna have matricule down economics,

a lot of people get stuck as middlemen. They never kind of ascend to the top.

That's kind of fucked us up. This isn't the time.
This is the time. I kind of want to shoot them all between the eyes with one crossbow arrow.
Wow. Can you do that? You think I could do that?

That's got to be like a one in a million shot. I'd love to see it.
Just right through.

Right through their brains with one. Does that sound like me? Is that something I would do?

I sound like you now. No.
Was the da-da-da-da-da? Was that the arrow piercing their brains? Yeah, in kind of slow motion. You really glossed over that.

That's taking lives in quick succession.

He has a writ of wrath. He can do it if he wants to.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

I'm afraid. Manamore, is it possible that you are

secretly some trained super soldier?

Your memories have been suppressed, and that's why you're so obsessed with offices and bosses. Like,

you're trying to be someone else. Dragon-born identity.
Yeah.

What if I was a one of the dragon assassins or you know, it's

some crazy gang. Why didn't they kill me then? Why did they let me live? I don't know.

They should have killed you because you could eventually lead to a dragon-born supremacy.

You swear, did you know the third one?

Boy, I sure wish I did right now, and I sure don't.

Ultimately.

You better figure it out, or else that's your ultimatum. Okay, ah.
To figure out the third one. Very well.
I suppose I'll work on that then.

Is it possible

that if

we,

I don't know, hit you on the head again,

that you might go into like a murderous rage and

kill all these dwarves who may or may not be here to kill you? It's possible. It's quite possible.
Okay, so we have to sit here and think.

Do we want these dwarves to attack us? Or to at least tell us what they're actually doing here?

Or just kill them. I don't know.
Yeah, or before they get a chance to do that, do we just kill them right out?

What does everyone think? We should vote on it, right? Yeah, that seems fair.

Miserable, what's your vote? Well, my vote is always a preemptive strike.

You know, your enemies,

twisted and vile as they are, will find any way to undermine you. And you must be prepared for even that bird sitting upon the branch outside.
Looking at me right now, it might be Spintax in disguise.

So I've decided to set it on fire, Galrick and Camo.

That was an avocado. Oh, that was just an avocado.
That was an avocado growing on that tree. That avocado was toasted.

That's right, Metamore. You got it.
Now,

so I vote preemptive strike, Arnie?

Can I just say we can't afford to keep toasting avocados? This is why we don't own a house and we all live in a tavern, okay? That's true. That's true.
It's because of spells like that.

Sister generation. All right, all right.
Well, look, I don't love killing people in the tavern, even with a crossbow. It's going to be pretty messy.

Metamore, would you be able to just kill them with like this rolled-up magazine or something? They're not dogs to whip.

Are they?

Yeah.

And I don't even whip dogs. Let's just be clear.

Yeah, yeah. That's a step too far.
Yeah, yeah. No emails.
That'll make our listeners far more angry than killing people. Yeah, yeah, you don't.
Yeah.

If they killed a dog, we'd have every right to go back and kill them. I'd go on a revenge spree to protect that dog or

avenge that dog. Rid of Wrath or no, I think

the dog, dog claws supersedes. How's that spell?

Supersedes?

Claws. S-U-P-E-R-S-E-E-O.
Claws?

They're coming out of the bathroom. Oh.

Duck!

Spawn! Blah, blah, blah.

Holy shit.

They're pinned up against the wall with that arrow. I shot them straight through the three heads I want.
Oh,

I'm a super assassin.

It's... I don't want to be a super assassin.
I can't believe I'm dying with this voice.

This sucks. This fucking sucks.

Oh, come into here.

What happened to my friends? Hey, you have you seen the bastard who shot my friends through the head? Look, before we kill you, be honest. What? Wait, what? Wait, hang on.

You just said before you kill me. Arnie, never start with that.
Before we kill you. Well, I'm going to kill you.
First, then, I'm going to take out my sword, and I'm going to cut your head off.

He's running, he's running. Okay.

Metamore. Wow.

Incredible. But now.

I was gonna ask him why he was looking for Coralax, so we're really no closer. Oh, wait, healing rock.

Okay, Arnie, question him. What?

So, before we kill you. I'm already dying.
Oh, shit. Okay, before you die, why are you hunting Corollax? I'm gotta get a message to my mother.
Wow, this again. You gotta get a message to my mother.

Well,

and my wife and my 17 children. Can we do the Corlax part first? We'll get to that.
What? Arnie, it's only proper in Fun when someone's dying to take a letter to their loved one

and offer them a last meal. What would you like for your last meal?

I'd

really love some of those

crackers that taste like chicken.

Okay, crackers taste like chicken. You know, biscuit, chicken, crackers.
Yeah, chicken, biscuit.

It's kind of weird. How did they get the chicken in there? That's a good question.
Ticket in, Cracker. I love some of those.
I already wrote this letter. Okay.

You tall one, you're gonna have to deliver it

to my wife and my mother and my 17 children. That's cool.
Do they all live together? No, they all live in separate houses in the same village. Okay.
Oh, okay.

One on top of the other. Oh, huh.
Weird but useful for us. Real quick with the addresses.
Real quick.

It's 43

Meadowlark Lane. Meadow Lark Lane.

In Graalbach. Grawlbach.
And next time, just put it on the letters, right? Am I crazy? Just put it on the letter. Next time.

I'd love to do that.

It's deep underneath Mount

Kilstone. Mount Kilstone.
So if you could just deliver those, I die. Mount Kelstone of the north or Mount Kilstone on the south.
I'm dying. Stop dying.
Stop dying. South, south, south.

Healing rock. Healing rock.
Healing rock.

What do you want with me?

Oh, it's you.

It's Corlax.

We are coming to kill you.

Told you. I told you.
Yeah, sorry.

He told us he got it. He got it.

But that was a badass voice you did, Metamore. I know.
I know. What do you want with me?

We made you.

We made you into the assassin that you are. Oh, nuts.
And have always been.

And once you got loose and you got free and started to get famous from running your offices and bosses games you became a liability and we had to off ya before someone face accidentally said your trigger word and you went around killing everybody you'd be unstoppable

even the

oh nuts kill her killing her killing her

even the birds and the animals and all the creatures in the world couldn't stop you.

The wizards, they even they would have to band together to stop you, and they are all

split to the winds now. You know

this trigger word. Is it another language?

I mean, can you spell it? Can you spell it? Could you communicate it to us without saying it? Jeez, how do you say that? If you had time to say split to the wind, could you just say the word?

How do I know? I don't want to say the word. It would trigger him.
I got to figure out a way to communicate the word to you without

it's.

Oh, don't tug on your ear. Oh, that came off.

I can't say if he's saying three syllables or his hand's just flopping around and he lost a couple fingers

Sounds like okay

oh he's making an emotion like um yeah swim sounds like swim

swimming uh uh uh uh what's what rhymes with that don't don't say okay you gotta not say the words don't don't say the words okay it's even sound like it because you could get into big trouble but imagine imagine I just imagine sounds like swimming, right?

Yeah, swimming. Okay, and then

why did you just say that? Why did you have to gesture swimming? Arnie, even if you're dying, games are fun. Don't you know how to play the game? You stupid, you stupid tall man.

We gotta build up the suspense. Okay, okay.
Yeah, don't call my friends stupid. That's rude.
Very rude. Yeah, yeah, you gotta.

When you think about words that sound like swimming, but aren't swimming.

Women?

Swimming. Swimming.
No, no.

There's a sexual act that sounds like that, that you don't want to say out loud in front of this man. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I got it. Guys, I got it.
Timmy.

Don't you say it? Timmy?

Close enough. Don't say it.
Just don't say it. You know, think about your toilet bowl.
You know, then you can. That should.
Oh,

I don't have it. I don't have it.
No, you do have it. Yeah, I do have it.
Okay. Yeah, think about it.
It's not stimming. It's okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it.
Oh, my gosh. Oh,

real quick, real quick. Before you go, what's your name? What's your name? What's your name? You never learned his name? My name is Greyhaven the Blackbeard.
Greyhaven the Blackbeard.

Listen, it is, I'm so sorry. It is so hard to get guests around here.
And I have a recording right after this. Just real quick, Greyhaven the Blackbeard? Yeah.
This is Greyhaven the Blackbeard.

Oh, this is Usidor. And this is Trunt.
And we're getting nuts. Hey, thank you, buddy.
I didn't say it before, but I'm a huge fan. I saw the tattoo.
I recognized you as soon as I came in here.

I saw the tattoo. Hey, thanks for this guy.

I just want you to know before I die, I never liked you, Arnie. Fuck you.
Oh, fuck you. Oh, that was rude.
Fuck you. How do you know your real name? I don't know.
He must have listened to season one.

I'm feeling people didn't like me in season one. Here's your chicken crackers.
Rude. Oh, I think he's dead, Chuck.

Wow. Well, I need to stay out of brothels and adult parties.
I think that's.

You and me both. That's kind of.
I got to steer clear of that kind of stuff, I guess, huh? Yeah. Oh, because of the rim.

Yeah. Yes.

If you avoid discussing these sorts of acts, I think you'll be alright.

Or find some way to talk about it without using that word. That's fine.

Just.

What you should do to be safe is to only spend time with the least sexual people in all of Foon. Done.
All right, hush my offices and bosses.

Menamore, while you set up the offices and bosses charts and dice and everything,

is it alright if I do a quick email? Totally. Yeah, yeah.
But then after the game, I'll have to wander Foon, trying to find my true identity, trusting no one,

wondering if I'll ever know my true self or have peace again.

Wow. Sounds pretty cool.
That does sound pretty cool. Sounds very cool.
Are you going to like hitchhike and stuff? Yeah.

Maybe a really sad song will play as I hitchhike down the road. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could pull the collar of my coat up.

Sounds incredible. Yeah, we'll figure it out.
I mean, we'll figure it out. It's a good song.
Chuck, I also love your songs. I don't just love Metamore's songs.

I just wanted you to know how much I love your songs. Oh, thank you.
Look, we'll hear the songs after the credits. At the email.
Email. Okay, so here's an email.

You can email me at magic tavern at puppies outsupplies. It's a real email address.
Or

Arnie, before you read the email, should I take this horse disguise off? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Sorry, should I take off this lingerie? No, no, keep that.

Okay.

You can also join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there. Here's one we got recently to the email address, the Magic Tavern email address.

They said, I paid for some crystals, and since then you have stopped the ads that gave me boosters i have very little money and now i can't get past some levels can you help thank you um

what

i think

you know i'm not 100 sure but back on my world unfortunately our seo has been really uh hurt there's like a a mobile game company called magic tavern

And we've occasionally, and with more frequency, get emails complaining about their games. Ah, I see.
And an SEO, is that like a TSA? Yeah, pretty much.

And their domain is also puppies.supplies?

That's the part

I don't know how they

I don't know how it happens. Hmm.
Hmm. But apparently this person paid for also, there's a lot of misspellings here, but that's fine.

I paid for some crystals, and since then you have stopped the ads that gave me boosters. I have very little money, and now I can't get past levels.
Can you help? Thank you.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Well,

I can certainly conjure crystals, but I don't know how to get them back to Earth.

Can you send boosters to Earth?

Boosters? Oh, Arnie,

you said there's some misspellings. I'm guessing that was meant to be roosters.

Can you send some roosters to Earth? Yeah, just send some roosters to Earth. I can conjure crystals.
I can't send them to Earth. I can conjure roosters, and those I can send to Earth.
Okay, yeah.

So I'm just going to show you this email address. I'm not going to say it on the podcast.
Usidor, you track this email address and send some roosters to this person. Got it.
And some crystals.

You can't send crystals. I can't send crystals.
I can conjure them here. Hmm.
Hmm. Can you send money? Just give me money.
Can you do white castles?

If you can't do crystals, can you do little white castles? Yeah, I could send a little white castle and a rooster in it. Each one.
Because they're a lot like kind of the same. It's regional.

Also, if people are spending money they don't have on a game,

stop. Please stop.

Whereas you should be spending money you do have on a Patreon to sponsor this show. What a good idea.

You pounced on that, Arnie. Good job.

Speaking of things you can buy, I want to do a new segment called Shirt Report, where we talk about our shirts. As you know, we have, you can get Magic Tavern shirts on our TeePublic store.

There's a link in the show notes. I was looking at some of our shirts on TeePublic and I searched it and I found a shirt for Magic Tavern that was not made by us.

Oh, it's probably for the mobile game.

But also, I don't believe it's for the mobile game.

Someone has made a shirt with...

like three different kind of shitty fonts and it says hello from the magic tavern so there's bootleg merch. I don't think it says hello from the magic tavern.
Yeah, that's the thing.

If you look closely, there is a typo, and this is all true. There's a typo in this bootleg shirt, and it actually says, hello from the magic traven, which I'd love to listen to.

Which sounds good. That's the thing that's making me mad.
I'm mad about the bootlegging, but more than that, I'm kind of falling in love with this hello from the magic traven shirt.

I want that so bad. I know that's a thing because the bad font somehow becomes charming because it says hello from the magic Traven.
And what is Traven like?

I mean, I guess it's a trained raven, right? Yeah, I don't know. It has to be.

Do you want me to kill him? Do you want me to kill him? No, man. No, no, no, no, no.
It's all right.

Okay, I do.

I heard injustice. Injustice.
I heard injustice.

I think I have another solution. We're going to bootleg the bootleg.
We are going to make our own copy of this shirt. Okay.

And we'll add like a change to it. Like we'll add a TM after Traven.

And we will now add Hello from the Magic Traven to our merch store.

So make sure you get the right Traven. Yeah, make sure it's from us.
And

are we spelling the other words?

in a different way.

Otherwise, are we leaving it the same? It is like us to really just heighten things too far, but I would suggest we stick with the trait. There's something about the Traven.

Yeah, simple, clean, crispy. I like that.
Let them come after you. That's right.
Let them come after us. And I, Annie, I take issue with the idea of us heightening things too far.

I, just earlier in this episode, was telling a very wholesome tale about me and a horse going on a wonderful trip together.

Wholesome. Oh, yeah.
Oh, you know what wholesome reminds me of?

A little bit of ribbing. Alright, don't clean the holes.
Leave the holes dirty, everybody. Leave the holes dirty.
You're lucky he didn't hear you. Yeah, fuck.
The one time I want to make a shirt...

La la la la la. La la la la.

Hmm, what white-hot topical film should we skewer next? The apartment? Broadway Melody? That thing where it's just 12 frames of a galloping horse? Actually, I love the narrative arc of that one.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Advil Rafai.
Metamore was played by special guest Bill Arnett, who treats all dogs with gentle respect.

Check out his podcast, The Maximum Party Zone Listening Party. A weekly collection of bits, skits, and pitches.
Comedic results may vary. Yeah, welcome to my world.

Available on Podbean and other fine podcast retailers. And yes, if you want a Hello from the Magic Travin shirt, you can buy the bootleg of the bootleg in our TeePublic shop.

Make sure you're getting the one with the little trademark symbol on it. There's a link to the shop in the show notes, like a treasure map to a landfill.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, the ones that hit Payd and the oopsies, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie, Chunt, and Usador open a box full of trading cards from Earth.

Here's another card. Harry hath tamed the savage beast, and it's a giant Sasquatch hugging a bald man.
Yeah, Arnie, huggy in a kind of emotional embrace. Oh, you've told us about this movie.

That's Doctor Evil, right? It does.

It does look like Doctor Evil. And we're supposed to throw him a freaking bone?

Arnie? Arnie, are we supposed to throw him a freaking bone? Hey, Arnie, are we supposed to throw him a freaking bone, Arnie?

I think so. I'm trying to read the back of the card.
I'm so sorry. Give me one of these packs.
I'm going to open one. Oh, and Arnie, the ones you opened,

I think you said these are trading cards. Can we go ahead and trade those for something better? Oh, yes, that's a good idea.
Why don't we trade them for a sword? Oh, no.

I opened my own pack, and I have a sad one, Chunt. Oh no.

Here it is. Oh.

Goodbye, old friend. Where are you going? And it's a man.

A middle-aged man saying goodbye to Harry. What could have happened to them?

Yeah.

You know, we're experiencing the movie Harry and the Hendersons in a non-chronological order through these cards. It's like a Quentin Tarantino movie.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Can't Stop Crushing It Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Hey listeners, it's me, Arnie Niekamp again. I know we promised you you a song from Chunt after the credits.
Unfortunately,

he snorted some accent cocaine and

he's on a bad one.

A really kind of like inappropriate one. And

he promises to not speak or sing until the effects completely wear off. So unfortunately, there's not going to be a song for Chunt after the credits.

And I know we also promised a long dirge from Usidor, but I just don't want to do that. So we're not going to have either of those.
So

I don't know if this makes up for it at all.

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying. I know we're near the end.
I know we're near. The best is ready to begin.

As long as we've got each other, doo-doo-doo. We we got the world spinning right in our hands, baby.
Rain or shine

all the time.

We got each other. Staring shit.
Oh, fuck. Fuck.

I was so proud of myself. As I was singing, I was like, holy shit, I somehow just know every word.
And then I fucked it up near the end. Sharing the laughter and the.