Season 5, Ep 40 - Momo the Pest (w/ Erin Keif)

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Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and ten months and some days ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern The Wander Lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Cousin, but you know, well, technically, we're

technically.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot.

He chunt disappeared.

Usidor.

Oh.

Chunt already broke the rule that you can't say well technically.

Oh fuck.

I said it.

Well, it appears it's the show everyone's been waiting for.

No, Chunt.

No, Arnie.

All

Usador.

And I have come here to teach you all how to cast spells.

The first thing you do is gather all your components.

Unless you don't want to, then you just say these words and focus all the magical energies that dwell within your soul.

Speak, listen to my words now, and repeat after me.

Oh, that's awesome.

What?

Oh, never mind.

Oh, I've no, I've been back for a minute, but I'm just engaged.

Please keep going.

Oh, no, you're here.

I can't do it while you're here.

I can't do it.

Damn it.

I can't do it while you're watching me.

Well, technically,

what?

Oh, sorry.

I got unbanished.

Don't forget if you say that phrase, Usidor, according to the new rules of Foon, you are banished to a pocket dimension for a few seconds.

Of course, I would ne'er say those words.

It does indicate you'd wish to correct someone,

which I would ne'er do.

It's kind of fun in there, right, alright?

It's kind of fun.

Wait, what?

It's kind of restful.

It's fun and restful at the same time.

It's fun and restful.

Yeah, it's like a sensory deprivation universe or something, right?

Mm-hmm.

Feels like you're on your back in water.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, and by the end, you just start seeing weird colors.

Well, technically.

Well, there goes Yucidor.

Wait, I didn't go.

Oh.

I guess it knows when you want it.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of which, not to spend too much time talking about this new rule, and I don't want to say the whole phrase,

so I'll just say the second half of it.

Technically, what does that word even mean in Foon?

Technically, technology?

Like, why do you have that word well we have technology arnie if you wrap a stone to a piece of wood you have an axe what are you on about we have amazing technology things like levers

yeah pulleys yeah seesaws saws speaking of which have you guys seen the new pulleys arnie if you say speaking of witch one more time the witch will appear

that's fright i just there's so i got so few things i can you know what you can't say anything anymore without getting into trouble.

That's my, that's what I feel like.

Uh-oh, wrong podcast.

Maybe I'm just getting too old, but I just feel like I should be able to say whatever I want.

Well, technically.

Sorry, what are we going to say?

I was just saying, the new pulleys.

Have you seen the new pulleys that are out?

They're really cool.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm not in a hurry to get rid of my old pulley, but the new pulley has some great features.

It's beautiful.

Just really sleek, aerodynamic.

All the trimmings, like a leather inlay.

Ooh.

That was terrifying in there.

You didn't see the fire demon?

What?

Oh, maybe I just had my eyes closed.

Maybe it's not sensory deprivation.

I just closed my eyes, yeah.

Oh, for a second, I was afraid it was different for everyone.

That I'd seen a fire demon coming to get me.

Oh, Arnie, I wanted to say something,

which is, I just wanna, you know, you said I were talking, and we just want to congratulate you because I know in about a month and some days here, you can no longer be fired from the podcast for any reason, I believe.

What?

I didn't know that was a possibility.

Well, you said on Earth, when you celebrate your tenure, you can't be fired.

You have sort of job security.

So I just want to say, unless something crazy happens in the next month or maybe this episode, you

will not be fired from the podcast.

Until then, mind your P's and Q's.

Okay, yeah.

If I get fired from the podcast, will I still be able to retain my benefits?

What benefits do you get right now?

I don't know.

We're just the benefits of our friendship.

Yeah, we'd give you a cobra.

We give you a special cobra to protect you from anyone who might want to harm you.

Yeah,

I have them ready to go.

They're in those baskets over there if you want one now.

You're under 27, right?

No.

Oh, then never mind.

Arnie, who is our guest today?

I'm scanning the tavern.

I don't see anyone in my sightline.

Look up in the sky.

See if it's something up there.

Oh, it's Momo hanging from Queen Mercia's feet.

Ah, ha, catch me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, mom, mom, mom.

Hi, fellas.

Hey, Momo, the mouse with human strength.

How you doing, buddy?

The very same.

You're still here, huh?

At this table.

Yeah.

I always know where to find you guys.

What's up?

Not much.

Are you...

Did I hurt everyone's feelings?

The toes.

Well, I'm still recovering from the fact that when you fall, you go, Mom, Mom, which is the cutest thing I've ever heard or seen.

It makes me fall like a feather chunt.

Well, I was curious because I couldn't recall if you'd been to the Wanderlost before, which is this new tavern that we're in now that travels all around Foon.

Unluckily, we have crossed paths with you again, Momo.

Well, I mean, with you guys.

We've cycled through so many taverns at this point, but you always pick the same table in the different taverns.

Yeah, we're always pulling the same spot in the tavern.

You're right.

I've never really noticed that before.

You have a comfort spot.

Oh, certainly.

That's the best thing about going to a tavern, is finding that place where you can just relax and be yourself and

settle in and make it feel like a second home.

Yeah, and I never have my back to the door in case someone comes in to try and kill me.

Well, that's just wisdom.

That's not paranoia.

It's wisdom for you.

Thank you.

And, Chun, I would like to congratulate you on not talking about your come fort after she said it's our comfort spot.

So, you know about my comfort.

Well, technically,

oh no, great.

Momo picked the perfect time to go to a pocket dimension to not have to hear about your come fort.

Oh, boy.

Well, since she's gone, should we dig into the details?

Nope, she's back.

Momo, Momo, Mo, Mo, Mel, Mo.

Whoa, whoa, what?

Was it horny in there or what?

What?

Yeah,

I think it's different for everyone.

That's the vibe I'm getting now.

Oh, it is what you bring to it.

Well, I just admitted something out loud in front of Treasure Treasure Stone.

Don't want to hear about my comfort, huh?

Who's buying Momo a drink or some cheese?

I'll buy you both.

What sort of cheese do you like best, Momo?

Thank you.

Hmm, soft cheese.

So if I get tired while I'm eating it, I can fall asleep on it.

Oh, that's horrible.

That's so cute.

Maybe just get her a fondoutini.

I think it's the new menu item.

Oh.

Fondoutini.

That's cheese and a drink, all in one.

I'll be right back.

It's vodka and melted cheese.

Yes, Chunk.

Mamo, last time we saw you,

so much has happened.

My brain is foggy.

Were you this size?

No, I was gigantic.

Well, not gigantic, but for me, gigantic.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you're back to your pocket-sized self.

Actually, I just feel more comfortable taking up a little less space.

You know, I was feeling really self-conscious.

I wasn't standing up straight when I was fully human-size.

I was just like, oh, I'm getting in the way.

And then also, it turns out I like being exceptional.

When I'm a mouse, I got human strength, which is very, very strong.

And when I'm human-size,

who am I then?

You know, I'm just a huge mouse.

No, don't just say that.

Just look at that huge mouse over there.

It's true.

The bigger a mouse gets...

Oh, I don't even want to finish that sentence.

Never mind.

The more likely they are to get killed in a space.

Because people think I'm a pest.

Did you guys know that they think mice are pests?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I mean, we kill a lot of mice around here.

I didn't know that until like three days ago.

Mice are pests.

Yeah.

Momo, I hate to say you are one of our dearest friends, but every time you come by the tavern, afterwards, we have to spend so much time cleaning up your droppings around the tavern.

It's just

Embarrass Our Friends o'clock?

I didn't realize it was Embarrass Our Friends o'clock.

You got shit in your teeth, Arnie.

Well, that's your shit.

Yeah, and I hate to say it, but every time you've been here, if you could just have seen over your shoulder, one of us is almost always about to smash you with a shoe, and then we realize you're talking.

And it's a Momo mouse.

It is so embarrassing.

So embarrassing.

Oh, whatever.

Here's your drink.

It seems a little contentious over here at the moment.

Is everyone doing alright?

Yeah, you should know.

Did you know that people consider mice and rats pests?

Oh, certainly.

They carry diseases often.

And have you ever heard of a mouse trap?

Oh my god, what's that?

Well, it's a little device that you pull a lever.

See, Arnie levers.

You pull a lever over, and it's spring-loaded.

Springs.

That's more technology.

And then you put a little piece of cheese on it.

Oh, I like cheese.

Yeah, of course.

And you'd walk right up to it and you'd get the piece of cheese, but there's a button there that you press, and it releases the spring,

and the bar comes down and smashes the mouse.

What?

Yeah, you shouldn't.

If you see cheese on a very conspicuous device, you should not eat that cheese, no matter how hungry you are.

Momo's just staring at her fondutini.

Oh, no, that's fine.

I got that.

Yeah.

Those new glasses are pretty elaborate.

Yeah, it's got all sorts of springs and gizmos on it, but you can still drink that.

I promise, it's good.

I, I, Momo, this I swear to you, I will never kill you on purpose.

Huh.

Well, it does smell like cheese and vodka,

but it has gizmos and gadgets of plenty on it.

Momo, please promise me you will not go into our kitchen.

Not only because it's a health code violation, but also because we've put a bunch of sticky traps down on the floor and you'll get stuck to them, and it's really the most horrible way to die.

To stick who?

To stick who, Arnie?

Mice, it aren't you?

Chunt.

Yeah?

Look at me in the eye.

You're avoiding eye contact.

No, I'm just sticking to you.

There's just so.

I mean, I just never realized how beautiful the walls are around you.

Chunt.

Look at me.

You look at me.

Pest friends.

I know you're a shapeshifter.

We are pest friends.

You're saying pest friends.

No, best friends.

Best.

Fuck, fuck shit.

Chunt, I know that you're a shapeshifter, but my God, you're an animal most of the time.

You sleep with animals.

You sleep with badgers mostly, canonically.

All up in my biz.

Yes.

Yeah, what?

So, what up?

We stand for this now.

We stand for killing mice.

I mean, it's just honestly, Momo, it's like a health and safety violation.

Like, so there's like a mage who comes here once a month and he sort of magics everything around to see if there's any sort of creatures or poop or mice or shit or pests or rat or cum or shit.

And we can only have

10 instances of any of those on that list.

It's true.

We've had a really big rat cum problem around here.

Okay.

And then you're on the show a couple times a year, or maybe a little bit more.

That's about half of it right there.

Rat cum problem in me one go home.

Okay.

Okay.

Momo's having a hard time keeping a thought in her head.

Okay, first of all, ratcum is delicious.

It's a delicacy.

You can quote me on that.

New shirt, new shirt, new shirt, new shirt, new shirt, new shirt, new shirt.

Fine.

Fine.

We will make a Momo shirt that says rat cum is delicious.

And you know what?

Sure.

Why the hell not?

Okay?

Let's do it.

And also, you're welcome for carrying diseases for you.

We're taking the heavy burden of disease off of you, and we're carrying it for a little while.

Oh, I never thought of it that way.

I didn't know it was like a deliberate choice to be a little bit of a

bigger one.

We're going to stop carrying diseases.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

I don't know.

We're going to stop coming all over this place.

Mom, that I would like.

But, Momo, are you currently carrying any diseases?

Well, for people I care about, obviously, it's mostly STDs.

Hmm.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, hmm?

So, we can infer that it's mostly for chant.

Huh?

Huh?

Let's take a break.

You know what?

I think I'm going to gather all the rats and mice in this place, the pests.

Wait, hold on, let me get this little piece of cardboard.

I'm going to write union on it.

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna lift it over my head and spin slowly.

Norma Ray, I think.

Is that what it's called?

And we're gonna band together.

Oh no.

Ah,

our capitalistic tendencies have blown up in our face, Ani.

We must take a quick break.

I can't believe she spun around in a normal radius, a normal ray.

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Mama, would it make you feel better if we had a policy where it's not just mice?

If anyone comes in here and shits all over the place and doesn't generally buy any food, we kill them as well.

Yeah, I think that's fine.

But if you're targeting mice and rats, it feels a little personal.

Also,

I have that on good authority that we are making the food here way better.

We sit in people's heads and we pull their hair.

That's true.

I have a lot of people who are

when I don't know what to do next.

If someone pulls on my hair, it tends to help me make the correct choice or operate a little bit better, yes.

You know what?

I want a promotion on this podcast.

Okay.

I think the optics are bad.

I've been here.

We discovered how long has it been?

Years?

Seven years?

Seven years, I think.

Yeah.

At least seven years.

Well, Ani, I'm so sorry.

We're going to have to let you go.

Oh, shit.

You almost made it.

You almost made it.

Is that why you've been missing?

Is Cobra?

Yes, exactly.

Keep it away from Momo, by the way.

That Cobra could gobble her down immediately.

Sure, yeah.

Well,

Momo, we'd like to promote you to host, and we'd like to demote Arnie to guest.

So, take it away.

Fantastic.

Hello, and welcome to the magical land of Foon.

I fell through a dimensional portal ten years ago behind a Burger King

on Irving Park that's no longer there.

And then I fell into this land where I met Chunt, a talking badger.

Chunt, say hey, and something a little sassy.

Well, technically, a a shapeshift war.

Okay, well, there he goes.

I bet he's gonna be real horny in there.

And then also, Usidor, the talking wizard.

I am Usidor the Blue, and it is a pleasure to see you, Momo.

Yes, do you like my big pink polo?

It used to belong to someone else, and now it is mine.

Yes, you're practically swimming in it.

You're literally swimming in it.

Yes.

I can't believe you made me give her my shirt.

The guest does not

speak.

Sorry, can I use an animal?

Can I delightfully laugh off mic if something is really great?

Yes.

Yeah, sure.

But only if it's really great.

Oh, Chunt's back.

Oh, hi.

Bing-bong or whatever.

And the three of us, we have a whole thing going on.

Wordplay, jokes, me talking about Earth stuff.

It's a whole thing.

It's a three, all three of us.

We're real balanced about it.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, Momo, but I did want to ask you about one earth thing.

Could you tell us, please, all about Kia Sorrentas?

Kia Sarentas.

It sounds like a magical spell.

It's a key company where you can rent keys in Sorrentas.

A bunch of surs rent you keys.

Momo, that's you know what that's called?

Deductive reasoning.

Momo did it.

Oh,

what was that?

I don't care for that.

I thank you for the very direct and clear answer about my question about Earth stuff.

John, anything for you?

Oh, Momo, we have a quick ad read.

Could you just do that real quick?

Of course.

You know what you should do?

Eat mouth shit and rat cup, because that shit is good,

okay?

Give it a shot before you knock it.

Don't knock it till you try it.

And that's what we're saying here at Hello for the Magic Tavern.

It's a Hello from the Magic Tavern guarantee.

We stand by it and we'll never back down.

Use code RATCOMACHECKUP.

Who's our guest for today?

A little unprofessional to show up shirtless.

It looks like we have Arnie.

Arnie.

Where's your shirt?

I'm covering my man boobs with my hands.

You can't see my nipples or anything.

I don't like any of those words.

Me neither.

It's a pleasure to have me.

It's a pleasure to have me on.

Oh, I'm so confused about my role.

It's a pleasure to be on the show.

I've been a big fan since the very beginning.

I'm the Arnie now.

Okay.

So wait,

am I guest Arnie or am I someone else as a guest?

Am I Momo?

Yours?

Well, okay, great question.

If Momo is Arnie, then who is Arnie?

Arnie, pitch us an idea for who you'd be as a guest.

Yeah, shirtless Steve or something.

Like something like whimsical, like a talking, a talking broccoli, you know.

But not something we've had on before.

Yeah, no nipples net or something like that.

Hmm.

Okay.

I mean, I now all I can think about is a talking broccoli.

All right.

I already burned to say that one, but okay.

Our guest today is a talking broccoli.

Broccoli, say what's up.

Hey, this guy.

I'm a broccoli.

I see everything from a broccoli's perspective.

Okay, this guy's a pervert.

Are you too kidding?

Yeah, he's talking about it.

Are you just saying that because I'm a broccoli?

Yes.

Well, yeah, exactly.

Shit, I know what it means when the guest says something and then everyone is really silent for a long time.

Wait, what does it mean?

Wait, what does it mean?

Oh, it's inside.

Yeah, it's inside mittens.

Guys, I'm never coming back.

I'm just, I'm a one-episode guest, aren't I?

No, no, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

Let's go to some emails.

Let's go to some emails.

Look, broccoli, friend.

Do you have a name?

Yeah, broccoli.

Ugh.

I'm trying to help you out here, man.

Sure.

So, like, have you been...

What have you been doing?

Growing or what?

What do you do?

Yeah, what do you think?

What do you think?

Well, I'm a great source of nutrients, and I'm a great source of roughage.

If you eat me, I'll make your poop more

good.

Hmm.

Still managed to bring it back around to poop.

Hey, Isidore.

You'd do

Momo, Momo.

Yeah, what's up?

Like, we should probably three hosts to come over here.

Yeah, we all sort of talked.

Sorry, just one minute, guest.

Oh, fuck.

I'm outside of that circle.

I'm over here.

Hey, should we...

Is there a way to make this just go out on Patreon?

Yeah.

Put it behind a paywall.

Maybe not release it.

Yeah.

Or maybe, yeah, let's just sit on it or something.

Sit on it.

Maybe we can just release it after the credits of a regular episode.

So there's a good episode that's like 45 minutes long, and then you just hear like 10 minutes of this.

Perfect, yeah, perfect, perfect, perfect, great.

I just want to, like, I just have the impulse to like push him around my plate and not eat him.

Exactly.

You know what I mean?

Let's do that.

Let's push him around the episode, but not really interview him.

Okay, great.

Okay, like, put a nap over him or something.

Hey, you guys are my best friends, and this is working out so well.

You're my best friend.

Best friend.

Best friend.

Huh?

You're my best friend.

Momo, we adore you.

Ado is have.

Chunt, I love you.

I love you.

You're my best friend.

Okay.

Fuck, it's so annoying when you're the guest and they're expressing how much they love each other.

So, Brockley, you were saying you're married to a carrot.

That's fascinating.

You Sidor, what is your perfect date?

My perfect date is when the moon is full

and the stars have aligned in the seventh house of Gelfatal.

And then I turn myself into a giant eagle and I rise into the sky where my my date is waiting, where she has transformed herself already into a giant flying serpent, and then we battle until only one lives.

Damn, how do you have a-so romantic?

So romantic.

How do you get a second date if only one of you lives?

Oh.

Oh.

We're having a breakthrough.

Shit.

That's why you've never been on a second date.

When Momo hosts, we have breakthroughs.

It's just so sexy.

It's hard not to do it because you're like, Would you like to go battle in the sky as an eagle and a flying serpent?

Yeah, Momo hears that.

I do that all the time.

Well, technically,

I'm almost gone.

Fuck, we need three hosts, though.

We need three hosts.

Uh,

Ani, Ani, uh, look, would you be willing to be a supplicant and uh take back your old job at uh 50% of the pay?

Sure, and have I been being paid?

Uh, Chun,

Momo is back, and that it got hornier in there, gang.

Okay, where were we?

Anyway, what are you doing in my seat, Arnie?

I'm so Momo, are you open to some notes on how you did?

Uh, get up!

You can't pick me up, man.

I mean, you're strong, but you're not stronger at all.

Get up, man!

Get out of my chair!

Get out!

Anyways, host of the pod.

Wait, what are you?

You guys are looking at the wallpaper again.

What is it?

Why aren't you looking at me?

When you disappeared,

I'm just going to be straight with you.

We didn't know if you were ever coming back, even though everyone always has.

And we panicked, and we made Ani the host again.

You hired Arnie back at 50%.

We rehired Ani at 50% off.

Look, can we hire Momo on as a consultant?

Because I feel like Momo brought a bunch of great energy to the podcast.

Some things I'll be thinking about hosting for years to come.

For one, during the intro, should I say everything like I'm surprised by it?

Like,

that's a good, that's a good way to sort of get across the premise of the show.

Barney, sometimes you're surprised when you recall your intro.

I was surprised at how much I remembered.

I was very impressed.

That's great.

I also loved how you did the sponsorship read.

That's going to be especially helpful because Eating Rat Shit and Mouse Come is actually a sponsor for the next half year.

So we're going to have to be promoting that in every episode for a long time to come.

They pay good money.

Yeah.

You know what?

it's fine.

I'll be a consultant.

You guys can keep this sinking ship of a podcast.

All right.

So then Ani's the host, Chunt is the co-host.

Momo's the consultant.

And I'm the

co-host.

You're the mom.

I'm the mom.

I'm the babysitter.

Oh, we're not playing house?

Oh, sorry.

No, no, no.

Where you were, whatever you were saying.

Let's play house.

Look, if we're going to have Momo as a consultant, we should take Momo's suggestion seriously.

We can play house.

Okay, I'm the divorced dad or the fun uncle, whichever sounds more fun.

I mean, the fun uncle sounds more fun just because fun is literally insane.

Can I grab anyone, booze?

This seems like a really full house.

Cut it out.

Cut one out, Arnie.

It.

Wow.

How rude.

I can't think of one.

Momo, can I go, and this is going back a little ways.

Sure.

We've never really talked about, like, what's the relationship like between mice and rats?

Well,

you didn't take mice versus rats as a college course?

I feel like a lot of places.

He didn't go to college here in Foon.

He went to college back on.

Why do they teach there?

Bernie, you said you learned about mice and men.

Yes.

Lots of Steinbeck.

I also had to read the book Frankenstein three times in different classes.

Ooh, Frankensteinbeck.

Is that something?

Mm-hmm.

It is.

Of mice and man.

Actually, Arnie, I actually really like that.

I think us firing you did you a lot of good.

It made me want to be back.

I'm back in it because I've got my passion back because I feel the danger.

It's still just such a shame, though, that we almost hit 10 years and now we're starting over at week one.

Oh, I can't take the pressure off for doing anything cool for the 10-year anniversary.

When time began,

mouse and rat were mortal enemies to each other.

Shadow puppets.

Shadow puppets.

The rat, a slightly bigger version than the mouse of the mouse.

The mouse, a slightly smaller version of the rat.

Much cuter.

But once they realized they could come together and live inside the walls of a home, they made a treaty that has lasted thousands and thousands of years.

That's wonderful.

What's the name of the treaty?

Momo, why don't you look at me?

The wallpaper in here is nice.

The detail work on the wallpaper.

I'll do this one.

True fact's not wallpaper.

It's painted on.

The whole thing's painted.

Oh, okay, perfect.

Wow, what?

Now I'm even more impressed.

Treaty of...

The only treaty I can think of is Versailles, and how do I make that about mouse and

vermin side?

The treaty of vermin side

is what Momo said without an assist

slips chunt some gold coins

wow a genius that Momo is and you know I feel inspired now having been a host for what felt like 30 seconds

that sounds about right yeah roughly

Because I just did not realize how poorly us mouse and rats have been treated.

I mean, these are land animals right now.

We're trying to stick together against the birds and the sea creatures.

My God, so we have to stick together.

And you know what?

I'm feeling fired up again.

How invested are you in the animal war?

I don't know.

Like, reading about it every day kind of messes with my nervous system, but like I feel guilty if I'm not informed.

Right.

I don't know if this is true, but there was sort of reports.

I've been following the message boards that get carved into the trees weekly.

There's a rumor that you punched an eel so hard it farted.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah.

But

that was sort of.

That had huge repercussions.

Isn't that being referred to as the fart heard round the foon?

His name was Franz Ferdinand and

he was an eel.

But like I'm doing my part, right?

Like I'm sending stuff to the front lines.

I'm protesting all the things that are vision.

What stuff are you sending to the front lines?

Like rat cum and

delicious.

Letters.

I am like.

Oh, can you read one of the letters to us?

Yes.

Thank you.

Ooh, shadow puppets.

My dearest squirrel,

it has been many weeks since you left for the war.

The children are hungry, but they're hopeful to see you before the holiday comes round.

I do not have the heart heart to let them down.

You'll have to win and make an early return, so not to break their hearts and mine.

All my love, Amomo.

Oh, Artie, have we told you about war voice?

No.

Anytime there's a war and you read a letter,

you just sort of get magically imbued with a certain voice.

Here, read one of the other letters here.

Sure.

My dearest squirrel,

but a different squirrel than the other letter.

Glad they clarified that.

I miss you more than the other squirrel.

It's so hard, and I worry that the other squirrel is going to find out that I have a relationship with both of you squirrels.

Mama was stirring the pot.

You're the squirrel I love more, so I've told you about this situation, but I don't think the other squirrel.

I really, now that I think about it, I'm also just addressing these letters to squirrel.

So there's a good chance this this will go to the wrong person.

Anyway, I've gone on too long running out of paper.

I'm a good writer.

Momo.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

Did you see that, Ernie?

Here, Chunt, why don't you read one of the responses from Squirrel?

One of the sponsors?

Responses.

Responses, yes, of course.

My dearest Momo, I write from you from the frontier of the war.

Things are bleak here.

They say yesterday an eel got punched so hard it farted.

Surely, though, that one punch of an eel won't, you know, sort of escalate everything.

Of course, the eel's driver took a wrong turn, then he was punched and farted.

But one wrong turn and a punch of an eel named Franz Ferdinand surely will have zero consequences.

I love you and miss you every day.

Hey, we should talk about the other squirrel thing at some point.

I assume you're saying

I don't think you can drown out a letter.

Love your squirrel friend.

Usidor, here's the longest letter.

Why don't you read it?

Wow, it's so long.

I mean, I feel like we already kind of did rule of threes.

Let's just.

Yeah, Usidor, why don't you go get us a drink?

Why don't we take a break and I'll read it all over the break?

Okay.

Dear Momo, I can't believe that you left me for this other squirrel.

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So, yeah, like, I'm doing my part for the war.

So that's why I can, like, I'm sleeping with birds.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've heard that the war is like serious, but like, it's not that, like, no one's trying to kill each other.

That's why, you know, people are punching eels and stuff.

Yeah.

No one wants to die.

So, wait, are you just saying you're

sleeping with birds because of the war, or you're sleeping with birds just

despite the war, despite the war.

I see.

You're like, I'm still sleeping with birds.

I'm not calling them back, which I guess is me doing my part.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

That's sort of me.

That's a sort of

crumbling them from the inside out.

So I am doing that.

Fuck with them on the battlefield to be sure.

I see.

Yes, yes.

So that's like G.I.

Joe being like, look, this war is

important, but like, I'm still fucking Destro.

Who's Iwesa?

Gastrointestinal Joe.

Is he okay?

Gastrointestinal Joe.

Yes, on Earth.

He's a Joe with a GI problem.

Oh, yeah, like Crohn's disease.

You know how old crones are always shit in their robes?

Yeah.

And he destroys that toilet.

Well,

I don't want to concern everyone, but I have noticed that a number of the rats and mice are

picketing outside.

Usidor, I hate to interrupt you, but we blew right past Momo sighing with disgust.

So sorry.

Oh, it's the Vermin Psy.

She's calling upon the treaty of Vermin Psy.

Mm-hmm.

It's the Vermin Psy.

And you know what?

If all these rats and mice are protesting outside, then I'm with them.

Time to join the picket line.

Unless it's cold out there.

Is it cold out there?

It is pretty cold.

Looks like it's snowing.

Oh, look at some of the signs.

Hell numb, I won't come.

This is getting serious.

They're threatening to not come.

Good luck.

Sign says unfit to shit.

Okay, good luck seasoning your food for the next several months, idiots.

Wow, my little union sign worked.

Momo has power that's beyond just her physical strength.

Look, I'm very pro-union, but also we should probably not meet their demands because it's good for us that they're not shitting and coming in our restaurant.

Maybe we should make more seats and chairs that are rat and mouse size so they don't feel like they have to go into the kitchen directly.

They can just pull up a chair and order some food, just like everyone else.

I love that idea.

Now we're thinking.

Also, Artie, you're grossly underestimating how much rat cum and mouse shit is in the food that you've been enjoying so much.

Should I cast a spell to show him?

Yes.

And then he can't unknow it.

Not the black light spell.

Here, look at that plate of food right in front of you right now.

Okay.

Iroth

Oh my god.

Oh, it's like an episode of Room Raiders.

I mean, Tomb Raiders, you know, that

you know, Chunt, you can rest.

We all know.

Why don't you guys ever let Chunty?

Let him say the first part of a thing, and then we sort of get it.

So just

yeah, just let it go.

It's fine.

Are you got it?

Oh, oh no.

Look at.

Oh, what's all this?

Look, there's a bunch of voles and marmots and mongeses.

They're all kind of they have like kind of scabs all over.

They're running all over the tavern here.

Oh,

what's that noise?

Arnie, what's that noise?

Arnie, what's that noise?

Why'd you make that noise?

Are you disgusted?

Oh, bigger vermin are worse

than little.

Wow.

And now the truth comes out about when I was human size, how you really felt about me.

I was worse.

Wow.

I cannot believe the guy who I replaced on a podcast is so despicable.

Arnie, put a shirt on.

Put a freaking shirt on, Arnie.

But under this black light, there's so much cum on this shirt.

I'm not happy about that.

I love the shoe fits.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Yeah,

I agree with Momo, though.

If this shoe fits, you should put on the shirt.

Yeah.

That happens to be covered in rat cum.

I mean, what are you going to do?

Where are rats supposed to come?

You know what?

I hate to say this.

Arnie, I think we're all a little upset with you.

Could you go away and would you mind if broccoli came back?

Okay.

All right.

You know you messed up when we'd rather talk to broccoli.

Hey, guys, I'm broccoli.

I'm back.

And I know what you're thinking.

No, I'm not a tiny tree.

No one thought that.

I'm sure.

Yeah, I pretty much.

That's kind of all I've got.

That's literally all I've got.

Trees never could be.

I mean, Ruffy doesn't have any sort of bark or roots.

You weren't thinking that.

I literally don't know what to talk about.

Okay.

Well, do you have a family?

Yeah.

Question mark.

Jesus Christ.

We're in a bunch, I think.

Okay.

Do you have a job that you go do every day?

Oh, guys, this is bleak.

Are you trying to find love?

Are you trying to kill someone?

Like, anything.

anything

anything a purpose you ever fucked a cauliflower

give us something anything everyone's fucked a cauliflower whoa

okay now we're on to something

what about a fruit what about a piece of fruit oh it's me with those birds

they're crows by the way they're crows the preference i have what what is it about crows they're like the hot topic of birds it's insane there's a crow in town.

It is insane who he's pulled.

This crow has fucked everyone, and he has the wildest weird hair.

And he's fucked.

He's fucked all my friends.

Or at least two of my friends.

Two of my hot friends.

It's kind of insane.

But you can just count on him to fuck everyone.

Anyway, Adam Derwitz.

Now I understand why Ani always asks guests about, you know, how they procreate and that sort of thing.

It was just immediately engaging, wasn't it?

Broccoli, what else do you fuck?

That's a shirt.

That's a shirt.

I fuck up your office if you put me in the microwave.

Tell you that.

Like, I'm going to stink up the podcast.

Hi, what are you doing?

Microwave?

If you reheat me, I'm going to smell really, like, have a very strong odor.

Yeah, if you reheat anyone, they're going to smell.

What are you good at, then?

Because, like, it sounds like you sort of you're the type of guy that I have to put a ton of butter on.

Great question.

Or oil or salt or something else to make you like manageable.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Cheese, yes.

Sorry, Yushidro, could you be a deer and get me another Fondoutini?

I'd love to.

I'll be right back.

Thank you, honey.

He's sweet.

Hey, broccoli.

Yeah.

I'm going to be honest with you.

When

my co-host comes back with that Fondutini,

I think Mamo's going to dump it on me.

And they're pretty hot.

They're piping hot.

Are my ears burning?

Are you guys talking about me over here?

Chunt, a word.

French.

That is a good word.

I'll let you be for now.

Arnie taught me that word.

A king's juice for you, Chunt.

A glass of water for broccoli.

And of course, a fondutini for our beloved Momo.

Oh, thank you so much.

Um, broccoli.

Mm-hmm.

Would you be a deer and come sit next to Momo?

Sure.

And you're you have pretty good nutritious value, you said, those sort of things.

I think so.

Yes, yes, that's one of the few things I know about myself.

Alright, well, sit still.

Why are you?

Oh, no.

Broccoli, take your hands off your nipples so you can protect your face.

Broccoli, you're covered in hot cheese.

Time to eat the broccoli.

Takes a big bite.

Oh, God.

I forgot it was Arnie.

Oh, God.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay,

I'll be the first to say it.

Your acting was incredible.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be the first to say, I've had this dream before.

And I'll be the first to say, we should never have fake guests on the show.

We should just do what we've always done and just have real guests.

And you know, I got promoted and then demoted in a very short amount of time, but I gotta tell you, Mo Mo loves being here.

Oh, actually, a point of clarification.

I wanted to say, you didn't get demoted.

Consultant's higher than host.

Is it?

Of course.

Chunt, you're fired.

Pack up your things.

Fuck.

See, this is already paying off.

Fuck.

But I do want to say, Chunt, before you leave, and then you and me maybe maybe never see each other again, um,

I am just really proud and excited that you guys have been doing this 10 whole years.

Oh, Momo doesn't like to admit this because it's a little embarrassing, but I do like to listen to the show from time to time, and it always feels like I'm sitting with my funniest friends.

Oh, oh, thank you, Momo.

We love having you here.

And in fun, biting your arm,

still that broccoli.

Ouch.

You're gross.

You taste disgusting.

I'm sure I do.

It's probably all the rat come.

Momo, that was a very lovely thing to say, but Chunt's dragging his suitcase away with one sock hanging out very forlonely.

Forlonely.

He keeps turning around and hoping I'll change my mind.

Yeah, he keeps looking back at you.

Chunt.

Chunt.

No, it's okay.

Come on back.

Tell us about how you fucked that cauliflower.

Everyone wants to hear the story, buddy.

No, they don't.

No, they do, everybody.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Are you fucking a cauliflower?

Arnie, say yes out loud and don't just shake your head.

It's a box.

Yes.

Ten years, my God, Arnie.

The hell is wrong with you?

Hey, Momo, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, my gosh, of course.

Hey, what's up?

I'm going to launch into kind of describing how I fuck cauliflower as a consumer.

And I'm going to head out.

Oh, okay.

And then

that's my cue.

Thank you so much for the warning.

I'm going to go.

You're my best friend.

And you know what?

I mean it.

Best friend.

Well, technically,

she meant that.

Hey, guys, I have an idea.

This may be we'll solve all of our mice and rat problems.

When Momo comes back, should we offer Momo a job running a smaller tavern inside the walls of this tavern and all of the mice and rats, like actually serving them instead of them feeling like they have to run around the other parts of the tavern?

Right.

Oh, like hello from the teeny tavern.

Did someone say spin-off spin-off show

on the Patreon?

Get ready for teeny tavern coming next summer.

Everyone's sort of wincing because now I'm making a promise that they are going to have to keep.

I'm just thinking of Momo plus two mice co-hosts who are just

who don't talk and then having guests who are mice and rats who don't talk.

Or

Momo gets to do a three-episode arc, which is hello from the teeny tavern, and I get to book co-hosts and guests.

I mean, it sounds like a lot of work for Momo and no work for me, so I love it.

Agreed.

All right, and they all signed this paper in blood.

Fantastic.

Where'd you get all our blood from?

I have a supply.

What?

Momo, what the fuck have you been up to?

I don't know.

You guys have to have me on more often.

When I'm left to my own devices, I go wild.

Ani, I think you had an email you wanted to read.

Yeah, you know, I want to catch up on.

We've been getting so many great emails from our patrons at our Patreon.

You can join our Patreon at patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

You can also email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

Here's an email.

The subject line is Bone Mage.

And the contents of the email is Bone Mage.

Bone Mage?

Bone Mage.

Bone Mage.

So that's that email.

Here's another one.

Hi, my name is Hannah.

You have permission to say my name on the podcast.

And I'm 28 years old.

This is not a joke.

Your podcast made me realize I was autistic last year.

Basically, one night hanging out with some now former friends, I excitedly played them an episode, the first one with Flower, hoping we could all enjoy it together.

After it was over, they were very quiet, and when pressed said it was quote-unquote fun, one friend told me I should totally play another one.

I was sort of confused because the reaction had been a little dry, but she asked for another, so I played one.

They were even weirder after that, and I remember just being so bewildered by the whole thing.

Cut to me taking tests for autism and rating my social skills very high.

Eventually, we got into sarcasm and how difficult it can be for autistics to process it, and my mind went straight back to that moment.

Everything clicked.

They hated the podcast.

They didn't want to hear another episode.

I was so garbage at social interactions, I couldn't even tell when I made people uncomfortable.

I started looking back at all my past interactions with fresh eyes, and what do you know, people were actively being mean to my face, and I had no idea.

Incredible.

Anyways, I'm diagnosed now, and those people are no longer bothering me.

Please feel free to laugh about this.

I know I do.

Magic Tavern has truly changed my life.

Thank you all.

Arnie, I'm very concerned about the part of this email where you read out Hannah's name and then read that you had permission to reach it out.

Also, if anyone has a problem with flower, they got a problem with me.

Yeah, if you have a problem.

If anyone has a problem with flower, they got a problem with me.

Yeah, it seems like your friends should be diagnosed as fucking assholes.

Yeah, that's true.

Actually, I just got the paperwork back.

Oh, your friends sucked.

They sucked.

I mean, to be fair, Hannah did call them former friends.

Hannah has already

made the break, so that's good.

I would just like to formally say that there is space at the table for all, for anybody, whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, or whatever, but not if you're a fucking asshole.

Amen.

Chunt, stop walking away again.

Chunt.

Chuck, come back.

Chunt, come on, please.

Don't go, go, go, Chunt.

Are you sure?

Yeah, everyone wants to hear you.

Come on, come back.

Fucking whatever.

You know when you fuck stuff?

Come on, everyone wants to hear about you fucking stuff.

Oh, actually,

hey, let me just open the front door here.

Hey, rats, mice.

We're not going to kill you.

We're, you're friends now.

Teeny Tavern.

We're starting a teeny tavern in the walls.

Hear ye, hear ye.

A new podcast, a better podcast, is about to be birthed in these walls.

Hello from the teeny tavern.

I'm committing to three episodes that are going to be around 35 minutes each.

I'll do it sometime in the spring if you want.

I think since we cut Arnie's salary, we can maybe do this.

Yeah.

Okay, fantastic.

I'm willing to donate money to make this happen.

I'm not trying to get paid.

I'm trying to make content.

I'm hungry for it.

That's why I love you so much, Momo.

Our shared love of content.

I love content.

It's my very best friend.

But it's only teeny guests.

Only the teeniest of tiniest guests.

We're going to have cockroaches.

We're going to have little pieces of lint.

We're going to have things even smaller.

Atoms, molecules.

Mites.

Chunt will probably be there after he fucks a cauliflower and is a cauliflower for a week.

It's gonna have everything.

I love everything you said.

I could not support this more.

Please don't have Adam Modochu.

Please don't have Adam Molecule on.

Please don't have Adam Molecule on.

Why?

One, his name is so hard to say.

Two, he's just, he's a real piece of shit.

All right.

Well,

I trust it.

You'll be my co-host.

You'll be my

sort of,

what do they call it?

Co-host?

Yeah, but no, no, no, not.

You're like a little.

What's that word about?

You have like co-host.

Co-host?

Like commentary.

Color commentary?

Yeah, your color commentary.

When you're a cauliflower, you can sit on the couch on the other side of the guest.

Yes.

Hello in the teeny tavern.

Three episodes, maybe.

It's coming this spring.

Sponsored by

Ratcom.

Maybe.

Also, listeners, we love all of your emails, but we officially have enough emails of you telling us that you've played our podcast for other people and they hated it.

No, I'd say seven or eight more.

Okay.

I think they can give you seven or eight more insulting emails.

I think they'd love that.

I mean, that seems right, though, in a room of, you know, what, 10 people, maybe 20% are going to like it.

Maybe two times.

Oh, yeah.

In case any further clarity was needed, keep those emails coming about strangers not enjoying the show.

As far as I'm concerned, if we're still recording, the message hasn't really gotten through.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Momo, the mouse with human strength, was played by special guest Aaron Keith.

Let me say, at the time of this recording, there is not a Momo shirt that reads, Rat Cum is Delicious.

What a world.

There is, however, a wonderful Momo shirt that reads, Everybody's Working for the Squeake End, which you should buy instead.

Now, there is a small chance that between me recording this and the episode dropping, that Team Magic Tavern did come up with a Ratcum is Delicious shirt.

And if they did, there will be a bell dinging sound to indicate you can get that shirt on our TeePublic store.

Boy, have we come a long way from an angel getting its wings.

Hopefully, you heard nothing.

That applies to this entire brand.

Either way, there's a link for merch in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Gotta say, for my money, not enough cum in this episode yet.

Hold my beer.

Hold my cum.

Hold my cum.