Season 5, Ep 39 - Master of Rules (w/ Peter Gwinn)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Pardon me, just doing a little research.

Device that erases concept of custom t-shirts from all time.

Ugh, requires quadruple A batteries, and they only exist on a subatomic level.

I'll keep at it.

In less important matters, this is your last reminder that Hello from the Magic Tavern is doing a live show as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest this Sunday, January 19th, with special guest Richard Kind.

Attend and you can find out in real time.

Does our show structure have room to incorporate, what would you call it, comedy?

Link for tickets in the show notes.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and ten months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of foon and I'm joined as always by my good butt Chunt the Talking Badger oh yeah Baby how you doing Bubby

oh I like that well it's a fun little nickname I'm doing pretty good Arnie how are you what's this new

what's this new cologne you're wearing Oh, well, you know, there was just a traveling scent salesman, and, you know, i'm not a big cologne guy but i i threw him a few coins just to kind of and then i tried it out so i don't even know what it is it sort of smells a little bit like whiskey oh wait you know what i might have also poured out like spilled alcohol on myself oh yeah your lap is covered in it yeah yeah i just have um i don't talk about it a lot but um in the shape of a badger in the form of a badger i have a pretty sensitive nose and i i really like what whatever the smell is it's working for you aren't it you're pulling it off oh so this smell.

You're just not saying generally speaking, you're saying the smell I'm currently well.

In general, you smell

quite fine, but I'm just saying this smell.

I'm saying this smell is

something special.

Well, well, well, apparently, this lap whiskey is really working for me.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the.

Yeah, man.

We're all tired.

I get it, man.

No, okay.

Sorry, it's it's Brenda again.

Oh, no, not Brenda.

Yes.

Arnie, who's Brenda?

I don't know who is Brenda.

Well, you know, she's just.

We've been going through a rough patch recently, and I don't know exactly how to make amends with her.

Sure.

Ah, thickets.

Just, you know,

when you're in a loving relationship with someone, sometimes it's difficult to

connect in that deeper way.

Have you always had a neck tattoo that said, Brenda, be be my baby?

Oh, no, I just got that this week.

What do you think?

Wow.

It's large.

I didn't.

It was an attempt to curry Brenda's favor back into my heart.

And then as I look around further on your neck, it's not just that it says, Brenda, be my baby.

There's also then a picture of you, like, with a woman, but a baby-sized woman.

Like you're crawling.

Yeah, well, that isn't exactly what I told the tattoo artist to put on there.

I said, Rick, I need something

that really shows that I can hold her and take care of her.

And I want to say, Brenda, what does it say?

I can't read my neck.

Well, it says,

Brenda, be my baby.

Brenda, be my baby.

He took that very literally in a way I did not intend for him to do.

Oh, so that is Brenda.

It's not that Brenda has a baby.

Brenda does have babies, yes.

Oh.

But all eyes are on you with that tattoo.

And it looks, oh, it looks like further down your chest it says, Brenda, you still have not answered, be my baby.

Question mark.

Okay, so this is like standing outside her window.

I just sort of scribbled that on there myself instead of going back to Rick.

And over by your belly button, there are the babies.

I'm going to put my shirt back off.

Yeah, yeah.

That was the next thing.

You clearly wanted us to ask about those tattoos.

You came in here, you sighed so heavily,

but you had your shirt off and all these new tats.

Oh, wait, your knuckles say baby on one hand and Yaba on the other?

Yeah, I got confused about how to spell Brenda upside down on my knuckles.

So anyway,

it's just that I wanted to talk to you, my two best friends, about my longtime girlfriend, Brenda.

How you, Sonora, I feel so...

We talk all the time.

You're one of my...

Closest, dearest friends.

I know that you have had a few on-again, off-again things over the years.

I know you, you, both of you, like, broke up with someone over the break between seasons.

I didn't even know this Brenda thing started, let alone that it ended.

Well, Chuck, you know all about Brenda, right?

Oh, I would normally lie in a pretty convincing manner, but I just can't summon the energy today.

I don't know if I've ever heard you mention Brenda.

Really?

You've just been on a dating tear.

You sort of, you've kind of got Seinfeld energy, basically.

Like, what does that mean?

I know that doesn't mean much to you.

That just means there's like a new potential girlfriend every episode, and then there's some minor thing wrong with them.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I did go on another date with a woman, and we went into a cave, and she was very ugly in there, but then outside, she was beautiful.

Yeah, that's Seinfeld energy.

Not to be confused with modern Seinfeld energy, where they're too young for you.

It turned out to be an ugly cave.

I was ugly.

Everyone who went in there was ugly.

Arnie, speaking of Seinfeld energy, I have to ask, the last couple weeks, every single hour on the hour, you come into the bar and you slam down a gold coin and say i'm out yeah what's going on buddy i just can't stop jacking it guys

just can't stop well uh you sidor's a master of um

i would say this entire domain this yeah realm right as a wizard

look i wanted to buy something nice for brenda but i got depressed when i came in here because the price of beer has gone up astronomically yeah Chunt, clearly, Isidore would rather talk about Brenda than my masturbation problem.

Yeah, this is shocking.

This is a shocking development.

Normally, he would pounce on that.

So, anywho, I just wanted to get back to the menu prices.

Who changed- Did you change the menu prices, Ani?

No, Chanta?

In fact, where's your non-alcoholic option?

All bars must have a non-alcoholic option.

No.

Oh, sorry,

lecturing the bartender.

Let me turn this way.

We've never had non-alcoholic options besides water.

Well, even the water has some.

Excuse me, most of the food is alcoholic.

Oh, yeah, especially the long pig.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes.

Hi, my name is Chante.

I'm sort of a representative of the tavern.

We don't really have non-alcoholic beverages here.

Well, you must gain them.

It's the new rule.

Oh, well, sorry.

My friend owns the tavern.

No, no, no, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.

This is the master of rules.

The food master that I've been hearing about?

This is the Foon Master.

He can change all the rules and foons.

He hasn't done it in over ten years.

What?

Is that you, Sidor?

Oh, yes.

Uh, yes, Foon Master.

Uh, it is I, the great wizard Usidor.

Are you still Usidor the blue?

Uh, yes, still blue.

Uh, the color thing, is that how's that working out for you?

Well, hoping to stick with blue been working out for me pretty well, so I'm thinking wizards may have to redefine themselves with something other than colors.

What?

Just as a new rule.

Well, I am also the master of light and shadow.

I manipulate magical delights.

I devour chaos.

I'm a champion of the

there will be no chaos devouring under the new rule.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

Hi, my name is Arnie.

I'm from another world.

Would you mind sitting with us and chatting?

I'd love to hear more about these rules.

This is the first time hearing about them.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Can we get you anything?

Perhaps a non-alcoholic beverage?

Like.

Oh, no, I booze it up hard.

Oh, okay, good.

Well, we just want an option for other people, thank you.

Yes, it's just the new rules.

We're trying to be more inclusive of various viewpoints, and so people who wish to imbibe non-alcoholic uh drinks must be represented.

Okay, okay, well, we're making him be push.

We're doing a whole new set of rules for Foon coming in this next uh several months.

What we just felt it was time for a change.

Oh, well, uh, uh, certainly.

We're happy to go along with any changes.

Arnie, sit up straight.

Alright.

Trunt, comb your hair.

All of it?

All of it.

My fur, you mean?

Yes, your furry hair.

Oh, this is gonna take a while.

So, Foon Master, may I call you Foon Master, or is there something else you would prefer to be preferred to?

Oh, you can call me Chet.

Chet?

Okay.

Chet.

I am the Foon Master, but you can call me Chet.

Chet Pinkly.

Chet Pinkly.

But these days I go by the Master of Rules.

The Master of Rules.

Wow.

So there are these

rules for businesses and establishments.

Like you went to taverns and you're like, oh, you can't play music.

You have to subscribe.

And also, gravity.

Yeah.

Oh, and also the motions of the planets.

Right.

Oh.

What it takes for a strong fighter to become an even stronger fighter.

Which spells you can use and why.

Which artifacts are possible to obtain.

Here, uh, chunks, was it?

Yes, try this comb.

It's a new item.

It will, in one stroke, perfectly quaff every hair on your body.

I don't think that's possible.

An item like that doesn't exist.

Whoa, whoa, I'm quaffed.

I'm strangely attracted to you for the first time.

Wow, that's just one of many new items coming in the new set of rules.

I encourage all of you to purchase the books of new rules when they are released in the next couple of months.

Of course, uh, anything you ask, uh, well, uh, are all the rules set in stone yet, or are you still working a few of those out?

Uh, many of them are in stone, and some of them I'm still tinkering with a little bit.

Good, good, good, good.

I'm also soliciting new art.

Sure.

We want a lot of new art in the new rules.

It's very important.

And a lot of new art on walls, also.

Oh, okay.

Brenda's a bit of an artist.

She does some watercolors.

I'm sorry, he's going through a breakup.

It's ruining the impression of Brenda.

Who said I was breaking up with her?

You said you missed Brenda.

You want Brenda back.

I said things weren't going well.

Look, one rule that's never going to change is desperately trying to find employment for your girlfriend as a way of maintaining, salvaging a failing relationship never works.

Tell me about it.

I used to try to get Gen Livia to go to different forests and be like, hey, maybe you can do your magic in this forest.

She didn't want to hear any of it.

Very much the case.

Very much the case.

I'll get you something to eat or to drink, perhaps a whiskey

on top of another whiskey.

Or in your lap?

Yeah, we have lap whiskey now.

Oh, I will take one of the three.

Excellent.

I'll be right back.

So, Master Pinkly, what are the rules of the heart?

Ah, well, the rules of the heart previously were quite convoluted.

Sure.

And

they will remain so.

But in a different order.

The order should make them more accessible.

Hmm.

So confusing but new.

Yes, absolutely.

Number one, of course, follow your heart.

Okay.

Rule number two, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Okay, classic.

Rule number three, if you have left your heart, you have to find it in one of three magical realms.

Okay.

Three magical realms.

Okay, interesting.

Is there, do you mind?

Like, could I try to guess what one of those realms are?

I mean, you can.

Is one of them San Francisco?

Arnie, there are billions of realms.

What are you doing?

Yes.

Very close.

It's Fran Sancisco.

Oh, holy shit.

Damn, Arnie.

Good guess.

Oh, Fran Sancisco.

They have a great fest sketch.

Not anymore, they don't.

What?

Oh, no.

That's been eliminated to the new rules.

Oh, no.

Yes, it the rules were working for a long time, but then just under ten years ago, there was a massive disruption in Foon

that sent ripples throughout the entire land, and

everyone found themselves thinking new thoughts and trying new things and using new words.

And eventually, we decided we had to update the rules to encompass some of these changes that were made.

Very intrusive changes.

Arnie, I want us to be very careful as we move throughout the next little bit here.

This could have a huge impact on our merch.

Oh, shit.

You know what I'm saying?

If the rules change, if up is down and down is up, we might have to change my shirt to my penis is up here, right?

In fact, should we?

Let's wait and see.

Okay.

Here's your whiskey and your other whiskey and your lap whiskey.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

I also brought some mozzarella wands for the table and I ordered a whole roast chicken complete with gravy and roasted vegetables.

It shall be a feast tonight, and all shall be happy and

not feel the need to go mixing things up that need not be a good thing.

Here's something you'll find very interesting.

Yes.

Previous, with the previous set of rules, the cost of this fine meal you have prepared is up to the discretion of the tavern owner.

But now, under the new rules, everything will have a specific price.

This will be three gold, two brooms, and one picklestick.

Wait, do we have pickle sticks?

Brooms and picklesticks?

Yes, there's a new currency system coming.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

There will be conversion tables in the new book.

So again, I highly encourage you to purchase the the new book.

That works out great for me.

I have like six growths of picklesticks sitting in my house.

Brenda's been telling me to get them the hell out of there, and now I'll be able to buy things with them.

Man, I've never seen Yusuf with such notice-me, sen-pie, pick-me energy.

This is really weird.

Why don't we take a quick break?

I'll grab us a whole round of lap whiskeys, and we'll get to know more of these new rules.

I gotta say, Master Pinkly, your lap smells great.

It really does.

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All right, laps up for the lap whiskey.

And it turns out, I didn't know this was a thing, but it seems like our tavern now carries the new rules handbook.

So I bought us each a copy of of that.

And Chet, do these magically update?

Yes, absolutely.

They magically update for 30 days, and at that point, you will need to purchase a new copy of the subsequent rules guide.

I see.

All right.

Hmm.

Well, that I understand.

You gotta make sure that you're gonna check out the art, you guys.

Look at the art.

Wow, this is pretty.

A lot of art in there, right?

God, it's good.

The book is far larger than it needs to be, so that we could include all the art.

I would say most of these pages have very few rules, but a lot of art.

Yes.

We want it to be art-forward this time.

Yeah.

A couple of these pages have half a rule.

If you go to the back, you will find there are

about 10 pages there with about 400 rules on each page.

Whoa.

Yeah, and it looks like a lot of, at least up top, the first couple chapters, looks like the font is like, what, 56 size, 62?

What is this?

Yeah, that's a 78.

Yeah, it's about half a word per page.

Yeah.

And then in the back, it's a 0.78 font.

Oh, yeah, hard to read.

I can summarize any of them for you.

For example,

magic.

Magic was too complicated, so we decided to change those rules a little bit.

Oh,

having a long list of specific components in order to cast any spell at all is now incredibly important.

Wait, are any of the components picklesticks?

That's money.

Damn it.

Now, in the previous set of rules, of course, picklesticks could be used to cast any spell at all.

But we changed that.

So now it is a long list.

There are seven to seventeen required components per spell.

If you are missing even one of them, you cannot cast any spell at all until the following day.

You've got to be kidding me.

But it's got to be like common stuff I've already got around, like some lint or maybe like a piece of stick or a

five of the components are very common items,

but then two of them, you gotta go hunting.

No,

fuck.

So now every episode, Yusidor's gonna have a long list of stuff?

Well, I have been wanting to work more components into my spellcasting, so I think this will really help slow the pace of the show to the pace I think it should be at.

Have you said your full name today?

No, I haven't.

Hmm.

Anyway, I have a question.

Is there anything in the room?

Does Brenda...

I'm so sorry to interrupt, Trent.

Does Brenda hate your full name?

No, of course not.

Why would she?

Who does?

I just wasn't sure if this was a Brenda thing.

Like, you were like, ever since you started dating Brenda, you're like, I'm not going to do all these names.

No, I just got depressed in the middle of my first name.

Do you live together?

Well,

she lives downstairs from me.

That's how he meant she was renting from me.

Seems unethical.

Oh, yeah, there is a very strong rule in the new book that you are not allowed to start a romantic relationship with someone who is renting a unit in your home.

Well,

I stopped charging her the rent about, I don't know, three, four months ago.

Check the channel.

Chapter eight.

Creepy behavior.

Oh, no, there's rules for creepy behavior now.

All right, Ani, you better flip to that page.

Oh, boy.

We wanted to be very specific that there are creepy behaviors that are completely unwelcome in Foon, and others with a little wiggle room.

Uh, No, smelling your cousin's lap.

What the fuck?

Oh, well, then you can't smell my lap.

Sorry.

We're cousins now.

Oh, I will note that.

And I'm their uncle, apparently.

That doesn't seem right.

Does that make Brenda

your aunt?

Are you married?

Did you marry Brenda?

No?

I have asked several times.

That would be surprising because getting married is now a very tedious process.

A lot of components.

Very many components.

It requires a.

You must visit four different lands and speak with an elder in each to get permission and a blessing.

And then, of course, you must each find a magical ring hidden in a deep cave.

And it's not the same cave for the both of you.

Okay.

What if I already have some magical rings?

Do I still have to find a new one?

Yes.

Master of Rules, I have a follow-up question.

Why?

Well, that's a very good question.

Oh, thank you.

Sometimes you feel like it's time to freshen things up.

Sometimes you feel like you would like to make money.

Sometimes something

interrupts the normal status quo of a land, and you find that people are exploiting loopholes that they have come up with on their own and doing things that go against the natural method of things and that you have to stop it and splouch it in its tracks and say, you will not be creative in that way.

You will be creative in the ways I say you can create.

Look at this two-page splash of a Wyvern.

Pretty cool.

Pretty cool.

Sorry, I was just looking at the art again.

It's beautiful.

You said something disrupted

the natural.

Yes, roughly 10 years ago, give or take.

Someone Arnie showed up about ten years ago.

We're about two months away from him having been here for ten years.

Can you believe it?

What a coincidence.

Hmm.

Let me look at you.

Sure.

Oh,

let me sense your energy with this new item and energy sensing coin.

Guys, is he coming on to me?

Yeah, this is weird.

Coins that sense energy?

What are we doing?

This is

you.

You're the reason all the rules stopped working.

Arnie?

I mean, I guess I do consider myself a little bit of a bad boy and a rule breaker, but could I have broken all of the rules and all of Foon?

Well, think about what you did in the cider house last year, Arnie.

Yeah, that's just.

Big shit in the apples.

This makes sense.

Where are you from?

Me?

No.

You.

Me?

Sorry.

No, you.

Sorry, we're all sitting so close together and your fingers are sitting there.

Sorry, I am not pointing at anyone.

I'm looking straight at the ceiling when I say it.

Sorry, let me.

You just seem frustrated.

I'm so frustrated.

Ah!

I'm from another world.

It's called Earth.

But I've been here in Foon.

I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King in my world.

I've been here for, yeah, nine years and ten months, more or less.

This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about.

All of a sudden,

there's a new magical land called Earth, and you have all of these.

What are these unlicensed magical items you have here on the table?

Oh, this is Ani's technology.

Yeah, this is a microphone.

I guess you would call it Earth Magic.

Yeah, and we taped over the logo, so I think we're all fine here, right?

Well, that remains to be seen when we put it in the artwork.

Oh.

Oh, wait, is there going to be art of us in the book?

Well, once you have this technology, everyone thinks they can have technology.

And everyone is like, well, actually, there's nothing in the rules that say I can't have this magical technology.

And then the next thing you know, they're handing a spear down a row of 3,000 people so that they can launch it at light speed.

Oh, real quick, speaking of the rules, is there anything in the rules that says a dog can't play mittens?

No, there's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't play mittens.

Fuck, yes, this rules.

This rules.

Ani,

Chet makes a good point.

The Baron did copy your laptop at one point and make his own version of it to make his own evil podcast.

Oh, it's true.

Ever since I've gotten here, there have been a lot more podcasts that popped up all over Finn Pod.

I keep hearing about pod pyres.

This is all from you.

Now I have to have podcasting rules.

Oh no, are there podcasting rules in this book?

Yes, it's look in the back of the book.

It's chapter 14.

I had to put that whole thing in.

I've also noticed the chapters are not in numerical order.

Like, all the chapters are numbered, but they're not in order.

No, we wanted things to be in an order that felt like more of a natural progress, so we reordered all the chapters without changing any of the numbers.

That makes a lot of sense.

Podcasting.

Each podcast host must be introduced one at a time.

Unless there's an odd number of hosts, and then they all must start talking at once up top.

What?

Okay.

That's gonna be.

This is common sense stuff, most of it.

You may have no more than 20 ad breaks, but no less than 15.

No less than 15?

Feels like a lot.

Yeah.

They fly by.

Not the way we do them.

Well, at the very least, I can simplify some things right now.

I mean,

the work I've had to do to contain the damage you've caused, Arnie, has been...

It's taken me most of the past five years.

It's been exhausting, but at least we can simplify these planes, this uh earth business.

Yeah, that's that's not going to be in the new rules.

There is no longer any earth in foon.

No, what does that mean?

There's no earth in foon, where are you from now, Arnie?

That dimension no longer exists, it's no longer part of the natural law of foom, so you can be from somewhere else this time.

Wait, can can he do that?

Can he make Earth and everyone on Earth and all of our listeners non-canonical?

I mean, he is he is the Foon Master, the Master of Rules.

I I

think we must go along with what he does say.

Where do you want to be from, Arnie?

Maybe like, um, Skur or um

Northeastia?

Do I have to be from Foon?

Like, if I'm not from Earth, can I be from some other place?

Good question.

What about Pizza Hell?

Here comes the loopholes again.

I just

specialize in the middle.

You are so clearly the loophole guy.

This is why, if you will notice, the very first rule in the book is that anyone who begins a sentence with the phrase, well, technically, is immediately banished.

Oh, no.

Arnie, buddy.

I'm trying to find the first page, but there's a lot of art in here.

There's a lot of art.

The first page of rules is actually page 76

of the rules guide.

Oh, I found in the back where it credits all art provided by...

Yeah, that's Chet Binkley.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

So these are all your drawings.

Yeah.

So very talented.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

It's been 10 years in between rules guides, and I've only really had to work for the last four, so I've had a lot of time to work on my art.

Kind of saying I've noticed looking through these pages, and this is not a complaint, but let me make it very clear.

Almost all of the creatures are very busty.

Yes.

Yes, indeed.

That sells books.

Oh, yeah.

I actually bought three copies.

If you'll notice, there has been a natural trend among the various residents of Foon toward greater bustiness lately.

That is both the cause and result of my art.

Yes, I did notice on that two-page spread of the Wyvern how busty it was.

Then I flipped the page and I noticed.

I really enjoyed this busty Medusa carving a bust of herself.

I thought that was sort of ironic and funny.

Her carving a stone statue.

A lot of visual wordplays.

That's very clever.

Yes, there is.

I've also had a lot of time to work on my wordplay.

And the bustiness, just to be clear, does everyone, regardless of gender or species, is way busty in the book.

Sure, yeah, well, of course.

A lot of wet tooth.

That's the right way to describe it.

Way busty.

Yes, well, that's the technical term.

If you will go to page 112, you will find the bustiness table.

It's hard to turn to a certain page because all the the page numbers are out of order.

Yes, we

had to shuffle the papers.

You know how it goes.

It's fair.

Yeah, it's fair.

We reordered the chapters.

We reordered the pages within the chapters, but the numbers canonical.

Yeah.

So one thing that never changes in foom.

So, Master of Rules, let me...

I totally get what you're doing here.

It seems very important, and I'm sorry if I've added to your work, but I do like being special, and I'm willing to pay some extra coins or pickle sticks or whatever.

Like,

could there be expansion manuals?

Like books of rules, like specialized rules?

Absolutely.

Hmm.

We will make a number of rules expansions that we will be releasing periodically.

And if you'd like one to focus on you, that can be arranged.

And then when the next major rules expansion comes along, we will collect all of the expansions and side rules that have developed over the year.

We will arbitrarily pick 70% of them and make those the new rules guide and never mention the other ones.

Huh.

Isn't it going to be a lot harder to live in Foon?

Yes, they're all very simple.

They're all very simple.

And don't worry about the transition, because one of the rules in the new rule book is: if you like the old rules better, you can keep using them.

Oh, really?

Oh,

that's your sense.

So, I can just cast spells by saying some crap?

If you prefer the new rules, or the old rules.

I don't prefer the new rules, I prefer the old rules.

So, I shall say, Caleb, Lichtencoma!

And then, light shall appear.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Still got it.

And so, if I prefer Earth to still exist, it still exists.

Well, if you like the old rules, but then you won't be using the new rules, you see.

And if I want to have a big old whiff of my cousin's lap,

like so, I can go ahead and do that.

It is ironically grandfathered in.

Now, I'm flipping through here, and I'm not seeing anything about

wizards and their long-term relationships and their romantic relationships.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I misspoke earlier.

There are

wizards' rules are binding.

Damn it.

In the new rules.

We felt with the various talk of wars that it would be a good idea to plop a brand new set of binding rules down before things got out of hand.

That's a good idea.

Damn,

I can't deny it's a good idea.

Long list of spell components.

We're going to be downplaying the whole colors thing.

You can only

have a romantic relationship with another wizard.

Oh.

And

also,

no shoes.

No shoes.

Oh, man.

Tintam the teal's going to be pissed.

Shoes interfere with the mystical auras that surround Foon and permeate every living thing.

Your connection with the ground that you walk on is so vital that there cannot be shoes in the way.

Oh shit, the band live was right after all.

Explain.

On my world, there's a band live.

Oh, a lot of bands are live, right?

Yeah, but they were called plays.

I mean, we have live bands here.

We have live bands here already, Barbara.

All the time.

Yeah.

What I'm saying is the guy in that band didn't wear shoes.

Was he a wizard?

I mean, he was throwing copper, if that means anything to you.

Oh, to you.

Oh, copper is now the most valuable currency.

Come on.

Fuck, I keep throwing.

I've been throwing away copper.

Like, I hate copper so much, I've been throwing it away.

Everyone's going to steal our pots and pans.

Buy shit with them.

I mean, that sounds like a you problem.

Well, let's take another quick break.

Guys, let's go ahead and rip out all the copper wiring we have in the tavern here, you know, to help conduct magic.

And we'll be right back with more of Chet and his beautiful busty drawings.

Chet, I've been flipping through the handbook here.

Love your art.

Could not be a bigger fan.

I noticed that every single creature that's in the book, Big and Busty, they're all wearing a wedding ring and engraved in fine detail, it says, happily married to C.P.

on each ring.

Oh, you noticed that.

Yeah, it just seems like an interesting detail.

Yes, that was a little

eggday egg I put in there for fine readers to enjoy.

Oh, very cool.

I also noticed that at the front, at the start of every piece of art, so much detail, just lavishly produced and the color and the inking.

And then as it goes from left to right, it's sort of more blocky.

You didn't even bother coloring in the back third.

It just seems like you really give up after the front bosom.

Well, you know, it's

allocation of resources,

you see.

Right?

Most people focus on the bustiness.

And then

I used to draw highly detailed sandals.

And when I asked people, what do you think about the sandals?

They said, what sandals?

And eventually I said, well, this is a waste of of all of our time

rule 48 all chets rule everyone else drools chet fucking reigns supreme what is this what's this rule i think that's self-explanatory i mean that that's the one rule that hasn't changed in quite a while that one's been in all of them so far chet's rule other people drool chet i mean you might have already mentioned this how much does this book cost because if it's all the rules for foon it almost seems like a public service people should be able to have access to it even if they don't have enough coins.

Or picklesticks.

Well, you can have a friend who purchases it, and then you can borrow it from them if

you hang out long enough.

But we really, we really encourage everyone to get their own copy for their own home.

I only bring it up because I don't want this project to be controversial because of the price.

I don't want you to have like a bill mar of your new rules.

I don't follow you.

That's okay.

No one should.

The new book,

of course, there's a variety of currencies that can be used for it.

It is

3,600 picklesticks, or it can be 90 gold pieces

or two copper, of course.

So to speak.

And also, you can barter for it.

It makes it much easier to get a hold of it.

For

It's just one of the costs of being a citizen in Foon, like paying your taxes, or paying the Death Man, or

Paying the Death Man.

Who's the Death Man?

Oh, he's in the rulebook.

You can go to the index, look up Death Man, and that will take you to the explanation.

Besides, if people don't have enough money, they are welcome to purchase the Moneymaker's Handbook, which then will give them a variety of ways to design a career in which they can make more money.

Ooh, I'll take two.

All right.

All right.

That will be one and a half copper.

Ah, damn it.

I knew I wasn't.

John, why did you buy this cheap copy of the same?

You bought two copies of the same book.

No, we're supposed to all be talking at the same time now, remember?

Maybe I want to read it twice, Arnie.

Ever think of that, genius?

Shit.

Quick question.

Sure.

Before I do the conversion, who is that?

You're looking at the ceiling.

Who are you pointing at?

I'm sorry.

I once again forgot to point.

The

large red person who has yet to speak.

Oh,

right.

That's the Red Queen Merzia.

Yeah, don't mind her.

She's just feeding on our hopes and dreams.

She generally only says about one word an episode.

Melon.

Oh, and there it was.

The Red Queen Mirzia?

Yeah, she's evil.

She's evil.

All right, all right.

And I'm sorry, let me get my sketchbook out.

And

let me see the sketchbook.

Lights up in a cave.

Two co-workers sitting around a candle.

Man number one.

Hey, Doug, do you see the new candle today?

And now let me get out my drawing book.

Artie, these sketches suck.

Let's draw a quick

picture of the Red Queen of Merzia.

Yes.

And.

Chad, while you draw, if you don't mind me asking, what do you do when you're not coming up with rules for food?

Well, a variety of things.

I spend a lot of time walking around my house, looking for things that could be simplified.

Sure.

I used to play quite a bit of mittens.

Oh.

But then I changed the rules and was asked to leave.

Sure.

By the way, we've simplified the rules of mittens yet again in the in the new rules.

I don't understand how it could get any simpler.

A child could play that.

Well, absolutely.

We wanted it to be accessible to everyone.

So now there's only one rule, and it's try your best.

Oh, okay.

Larry Birdman's going to be thrilled.

Yeah, I think.

You might have overshot it.

Like, he might have not wanted it to get that simple.

Well, it was.

I mean, people were asking for it.

So if they would like to reinstate me and discuss some additional rules, I'm sure we can work something out.

And they can also just play by the old rules if they choose to.

And they can play by the old rules if they choose to, yes.

Oh, thank God.

That's going to be tough.

Because in a game, will some people be playing by the old rules and some people will be playing by the new rules at the same time?

Yeah, that's...

I mean, that's possible.

There's no rule that says two different mittens teams can't play by the different set of rules if they choose to.

That's going to make it even more confusing.

Chad, have you ever noticed...

I'm so sorry if I'm prying, but have you ever noticed that your fixation on rules or your sort of need to create rules, does that ever affect your interpersonal relationships?

You know, the funny thing is

it's the opposite of the case.

I've had some trouble in the relationship department due to a lack of clear and concise rules.

Such as

there was no rule that said that you could not have sex with many other partners.

Okay.

Wow.

And that turned out to be a problem.

Yeah, I imagine.

Which I said there was no rule for it, and she did not care.

I think technically,

when you're in a committed relationship.

You're banished.

Damn it.

I forgot.

Whoa.

Hey, so he's banished.

Like,

where is he banished to?

I'll get my bindle and I'll get out of here.

Oh, no.

He just.

I'm going to pop him into a pocket dimension for just a second.

Oh, no!

Okay, that's good.

That's good to know.

In fact, that's a new rule that I am going to.

This whole podcast is going to commit to that.

From now on, what was the phrase?

Well, technically, goodbye.

Oh, fuck.

I mean, I think I have to.

Well, technically.

Oh, boy.

Goodbye.

Let's get another round of lap whiskeys.

Do you have anything you want to say, Red Lady?

Jacobian.

And three, two, one.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Yes, I might.

Well, well, well, well taught.

I uh thank god you said taught.

Let's stop starting sentences with well.

Why did it take me longer to come back?

How do you know?

Well, to be honest.

Oh, you're pushing it.

No, that's fine.

You can honestly speak about the rules.

I encourage that.

Chet, again, and again, I'm so sorry for all the personal questions.

I also notice you have a tattoo on your neck.

Yes, yes, I do.

It seems to say, Brenda, be my baby.

It says Brenda be my busty, but very close.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it says busty, and there's sort of like a heavy-handed ink drawn over top.

Yeah, I can see that.

Huh.

So, is there...

Oh, let's check the rules.

Check the rules.

Rule 152, only one Brenda allowed in Foon.

Okay, so this is the same Brenda.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, assuming you're dating a Foonish Brenda, just because you got rid of Earth doesn't mean there's not all kinds of other realms.

There's many, many different dimensions, but only one Brenda.

Oh.

Okay, here's how

we'll dissert if we're all playing by the new rules or half of us are going by older rules.

Uh, both of you at the same time describe Brenda.

Your Brenda.

Well, she is

not a wizard.

She is tall.

She is uh kind of a blonde with a big green streak in her hair.

Uh, yes, yes, blonde with a big green streak in her hair.

Oh, Arnie, look, Chet's drawn.

She loves quinces.

Loves quinces and being busty.

She does love being busty.

She talks about it incessantly.

Loves word games, but only when she's about to fall asleep.

She doesn't like to sleep anywhere near where I'm sleeping.

So I don't, I can't back that one up.

She has several people.

Suddenly right on me, can't get her her off me at night.

She has several children who I'm paying to help go to school.

Has several children with me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Arnie, I think they're talking about the same Brenda.

Maybe.

Also, Chun, have you ever fallen in love with the description of a woman?

Oh, yeah.

I once heard about a woman where she smokes a pack a day.

Oh, wait, that's me, but anyway.

You ever met Virginia, Arnie?

No.

The only question I could think of about about Virginia, I don't want to ask.

Has Virginia met the Red Queen, Mercy?

Um, I don't know.

Does she want to?

Uh, well, you'd have to ask her.

We, um, unfortunately broke up.

Yes, Virginia.

I'm sort of thinking this rule about not being able to date anyone other than a wizard, which also

not cool.

Uh, I think it's mostly about you want to date Brenda.

Brenda's clearly not interested in me, even though I think I've been dating her for several months.

And

you've just decided to cut me out of it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, sorry.

I thought I nailed it on the head.

Okay, never mind.

I was wrong.

Have I told you about the new rule that all schools are paid for three years in advance?

Jazzos crossed.

Fine.

Here, take the rest of my picklesticks.

Thank you.

By the way, I'm

still up in the air on how long a day is going to be.

I think we might change that up.

How long, what are you thinking?

What do you got kicking around?

Well, all right.

How many hours is a day right now?

25 hours.

And does that feel long or short?

Feels just a little bit longer.

A little long, except during loop year, which of course is when you relive the entire year over again.

One of our worst seasons.

Yes, we're definitely keeping that.

I'm thinking perhaps a day is either going to be 26 hours or until three interesting things have happened.

Oh, Ani, I know which one for sure.

This is so easy.

Do the 26-hour one.

That way, Arnie can do the dishes.

Sounds good.

All right, done.

That was a close one, you guys.

We almost had days where three interesting things happened every single day.

Oh, that would have been exhausting.

Have to react constantly.

Or at least three.

But also, on the opposite end of it, you could have a day that's like this day has lasted three years, and

nothing interesting has happened.

Oh, I didn't even think about it that way.

Huh.

Fuck you.

Where were you?

Where you died?

10 seconds ago, Arnie.

Fuck.

Arnie, I think you should do your best to undo everything you've done since you got here.

Hmm.

I haven't done much.

I feel like I've accomplished very little.

Arnie.

I don't know.

You're the greatest warrior in food.

Yeah, that's true.

You also started, I want to say, the number two podcast in all of Foon.

That's right.

Podpires.

Yeah.

You wore that hat that one time.

Oh, yeah.

It didn't work out, but.

That hat were him were like it.

You should check chapter 7 also.

If I'm recalling correctly, you may be interested in the new rules involving how long you can live with a sword sticking out of your chest.

It says you can live twice.

It just says twice as long.

Yeah, twice as long as before.

But that's...

So if I...

So, to be clear, if we have another storyline where I get a sword stuck in my chest, it's gonna last twice as long as it will last twice as long as the previous one.

Okay, oh, I think we should have gone the opposite direction on that one for sure.

Well, let's be careful because if that happens and it lasts twice as long, and we somehow hit a loopier, that's gonna go on for a long time.

Yeah, is that specific to Arnie or anyone with a sword stuck in their chest?

It's anyone with a sword stuck in their chest.

Okay, good to know.

So, it always behooves you to put a sword in your chest.

Basically, yeah, you might as well do it.

You're losing money.

Well, technically, you're not.

Goodbye.

Huh?

Okay.

Well, I've already done the sword in my chest thing.

One of you want to do it for a couple months?

Me?

I don't.

You should look at them.

Don't look at the ceiling when you speak to them.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I've learned today.

Well, I hated that episode.

We have enough fake dimensions floating around here without all this talk of pocket dimensions.

The only pocket dimension I know about is the one where I keep my stash of Werthers originals to throw at old people.

Use It or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Shant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Chet Pinkley, the Master of Rules, was played by special guest Peter Gwynn.

Peter is a writer for Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR and is a teacher at the brand new Home Comedy Theater in Chicago.

Oh, I've seen Peter on stage once or twice and enjoyed his signature brand of low-status, easily killed characters.

Often, Peter's characters are killed before you even see them in the show.

I remember one time seeing him stumble while walking on stage and shouting, Well, I guess my character, the mayor, just fell down and died.

I didn't really want to be in the show anyway, except maybe as a low-status henchman or silent townsperson.

Oh, how status and the spotlight frighten me.

Me, Peter Gwynn.

Mersey of the Red Queen was played for two whole words by Janet Varney.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, A Boys Night to Kick Off the New Year.

I'm gonna have to go over there and jump and punch it with one hand.

Oh, his wrist must be broken.

Did you hear that sound, Arnie?

Yeah.

His wrist is broken.

Yikes.

Oh, God.

Oh, his hand sounds like a tight bag full of nails.

Oh, buddy.

Stop punching it.

I only got about six.

Oh, it's one per punch.

That's a bad system.

At that point, you should just go pick new mushrooms.

It's much easier to pick a mushroom than to punch an invisible brick in the sky.

Hey, I wish I would have known.

So I'm going to cook these mushrooms up real quick.

While I cook them,

obviously, we can't sort of like fast forward that.

Like, clearly, we have to sit and watch me cook them.

Sure.

Could you guys sing like a little song or something just so I don't get bored cooking these?

All right, now I'm tossing them.

Sorry, a new song.

Oh.

Can't

do new.

Done.

Cooked mushrooms.

That can't be right.

Let's see.

What did I put in the pan?

Allow me to be the first to say 2025 yikes.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

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Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Dranger.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.