Season 5, Ep 38 - Merzia Now (w/ Janet Varney)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

First of all, you did it.

You got through the air quotes holidays.

I don't care how many episodes of the new Matt Lock you had to watch, or how many shapeless things you had to knit, you did it.

And as a reward, I'm going to triple my efforts to bring this entire venture to a hasty conclusion.

We're talking full deadwood, but until that day, a quick reminder there are still tickets available for the upcoming live show at Club Fugazi in San Francisco on January 19th.

My dear, next I'll find out Fantastic Beasts, the Crimes of Grindelval DVDs aren't flying off the shelves.

But this may engorge your human enticement glands.

I'm told the special guest for this episode is Richard Kind.

He made you laugh on curb your enthusiasm.

He made you cry as bing-bong in Inside Out.

And who knows what emotions he'll drag out of you during this performance.

Link for tickets in the show notes.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and ten months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good bud.

He's my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Kuzbong.

What's has bong?

Cuz Bong Brown.

Cuz Bong.

Yeah, just trying out something new.

Okay.

Well, you know what?

That's the thing.

Family is a safe space where you can try out things and it's okay if they fail.

Oh, thank goddesses.

I was so worried about that.

Thank you, Arnie.

Hey, I can see on your face.

You said Kazbang, and then you just, it was like you die.

My eyes were darting around the room.

Did he, did he notice?

Did he like it?

Did he hate it?

Oh, yeah.

Arnie, that makes me feel.

I hated it.

To be clear, I hated it.

Oh, me too.

Me too.

But I had to try.

I love you, Kazbong.

You have to try.

Almost, it's like a compulsion.

Yeah.

I'm worried about you.

Why?

Just, you know.

I don't know.

Ever since we became cousins.

I'm worried about you.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Kazan.

Ever since we became cousins, I just feel like you are trying so hard.

Yeah, it's in our DNA.

Yeah, it's true.

Well, you don't.

You're an adopted cousin, so it's not in your DNA.

Oh, no, I switched it.

Oh, good.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Hold on to your butts, everyone.

Okay.

Okay, well.

Uh-oh, I am also joined by my unc, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the Elves, Nubius, Viang Yelk, the Dwarves, Nobias, Zonin, and Hook Stanges.

Uh-oh.

And in the North.

That was the long.

His eyes went pure white.

Yeah, it's like he said, Kuzbongius Maestar.

But there's one name.

One name that is greater than all the rest.

And that is the name that belongs only to your parents, sibling.

Uncle.

Yeah,

Uncle Cronchenmont, I believe.

Uncle Cronchenmont, yes.

There's so many pregnant pauses that it was hard to know if you were done or not.

Oh, oh my gosh.

Can I feel?

Can I feel, Arnie?

No, I'm just.

Oh, it's kicking.

No, well, no, I have, I do have some indigestion.

There's something going on.

Oh, what?

Yeah, yeah.

I ate some things I should not have eaten for the past 40 years.

What, Arnie, what?

Everything.

Everything I've eaten since I was 10.

Almost.

Can I confess something?

Yeah, please.

Sure.

I know the two of you often complain when I introduce myself upon this show, and that you stop listening to me.

And full confession, I quit listening that time, and that's why there were so many pauses in it.

I just was, I was gone for a second.

Yeah.

Wow.

This has been a new segment, Uncle Confessions.

Ugh, I don't know.

That's its own podcast.

Arnie, you said you've,

I hate your ideas, but I love you.

I love you, cuz.

You're a good cuz.

You're a good cuz.

Um, Arnie, you said you've eaten a lot of, um, you've made a lot of poor dietary decisions, I think you said, since you were 10.

Speaking of 10, Usidor and I got you something.

Um, it is a user, go ahead and pull it out.

It's a

it's a ball of metal because, Arnie, coming up so soon is our 10-year anniversary We went onto your laptop and we looked up on Earth what 10-year anniversary means and it said tin or aluminum.

So this is a ball of tin I think Okay, great.

Yes, it's a ball.

It's a ball of tin for you.

We couldn't find any aluminum aluminum

Unk, can I talk to you privately for a second?

Sure.

Do you want me to cast a cone of silence over us?

Uh, well, it means it's a warm-up.

I'm glad he didn't put it on me because I want to knot my pale.

We can speak here in complete silence.

We'll not quit.

Well, we'll hear each other, but no one outside of the cone.

Sure.

Privacy.

Yes.

Look, should I be worried that ever since I became cousins with Chunt, I hate every idea he has.

How is that different than before?

That's fair.

I think I just feel bad about it because we're family.

Oh.

Like, I love him more.

Well, maybe, maybe be open to his ideas.

Chunt has a lot of good ideas.

Yeah.

Chunt has a lot of good ideas.

Sure.

Just look at that tin ball, though.

So I'm just gonna...

I don't know how to get rid of this cone.

I just have to throw it off of us.

So I'm just gonna...

That's why all those cones are piling up over there in the corner.

Yeah, we gotta...

Can we recycle those cones or something?

No, no.

Those are permanent magic cones.

Well, thank you so much, Chunt.

Yeah, you're welcome.

It's funny, while you guys were in that

cone of silence, I lost all the energy to record, and I don't know why.

I think this is going to be a pretty quiet episode from Chunt today.

And that's kind of fun.

Let's all kick back.

Buddy.

Huh?

Buddy.

Cuz.

Yeah.

Hey, Cuz.

Look, I don't.

Look, I'm just going to be honest with you.

I think my feelings were a little bit hurt.

because you're focusing on the 10-year anniversary, which is very important, and it's coming up soon.

But today is actually my birthday.

Oh,

no.

Arnie, you thought we forgot.

Isidor, pull it out.

Yes, here you go.

It's a

stretch for my hat and

look, a gopher.

Thank you.

Huh.

Traditional birthday gopher.

Aww, Isidore pulls out a gopher.

and he says thank you, thereby enjoying his idea of just handing you a gopher.

Very interesting.

Cool.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Just pick up one of the cones over here.

Okay, I'm not going to cast him again.

Oh, these are so heavy.

These two scoops of cuz.

He can't hear us.

Chunt, ever since Usidor became our uncle,

I hate all his ideas.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Um, I mean, I never thought thought of gifts as ideas.

I thought they were like a nice, kind, sweet thing to do.

But yeah, I guess you're right.

I guess anytime I think about getting you a gift or something, I'll rethink that and try and, you know, tamp that down.

Yeah.

You know what?

Maybe I need to learn a lot about myself.

Hello.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's.

Should we stay under here for the rest of the episode?

Well, let's pass it back and forth between us because you know how it's always one of our turns to kind of check out while you sort of talks.

that is true that is very true

all right

uh now chunt you were saying you didn't have the energy to record i assume arnie's probably bought like um

a gnome who sits on a leaf to be our guest or something like that i wish that that gnome will not get back to me i have sent so many messages so here's what i'm proposing I chunt you and I think we kick back we let Arnie talk for a while to this gnome because I'm pretty sure it's gonna be kind of boring anyway there's not much going on.

So we'll just, we'll just kind of watch.

You want to watch?

Yeah, we'll just kind of watch.

Yeah.

Okay.

Arnie, for your birthday, we're going to watch.

Okay.

That you don't need to make it that sexy, but all right.

Uh, well, dear listener, my good friends, you are also part of my family.

Welcome to my birthday episode.

Uh, I have brought one of my good friends from Foon that I haven't seen since last season, the Red Queen Mirzia.

Oh,

hello, hello, hello, hello, Hello.

Everyone knows there's only one family member with more power and superiority than uncles and cousins, and that's the family member of the Perma Buddy.

Oh, hey, Perma Buddy.

How are you?

Oh, that's right.

What a pleasure.

Chantai was wrong.

We'll have to be on our toes the entire time.

What a pleasure to be with you all and to find out how everyone's been.

Yeah.

A pleasure to see you again, Your Majesty.

Your face is still as creepy as ever, in a very charming way.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I've had my needle teeth sharpened.

Oh,

what is that process?

How does the sharpening happen?

Just grinding and grinding and grinding.

A lot of grinding.

Stone, metal, bread,

silver, chiclets, things that we all know create, when you rub them together against an object, create a real sharpness or a piercing quality.

Yeah.

so you go to like a junior high dance?

I'm not following.

Well, we all have to be on the grind in this sort of gig economy.

Oh, your mortality has made you so amusing.

How dare you?

How do you know that?

What did I say?

Yeah, you know that I'm susceptible to the mortality, the permanent death.

Did I say something?

I don't.

I

know,

I don't want to draw attention to anything.

Why are you reaching to me like that?

Stop stopping.

Why don't you let me just let me just pat you?

Let me just give you kind little pats with my strange hands.

You're so shy.

Just come over here.

No, you're so shy.

You Sidor, I'm so sorry.

Since then, I am one of the Red Queen Merzia's perma buddies.

Like, she does have access to many of our secrets that she pulls out of my head during my dreams.

Great.

It's just a thing perma buddies do.

They have shoes.

Oh, so probably at this point,

Queen, you probably know Arnie better than any of us.

Oh, I would say so.

Yes, I would say so.

You know, there was a period of time at which I was convinced the right thing to do was to kill both of you.

What?

But we played a little game of

stone, silk, tweezers.

And of course, I lost.

I got tweezers, and he had stone.

And so both of you are still alive.

Isn't it funny how life can just come down to a simple little game?

Guys, did I not tell you during the break about that time that I saved your lives by playing a game that I didn't even understand how to play?

Oh, no, you didn't mention that at all.

But everyone knows that stone closes tweezers.

Exactly.

I still don't get that.

Stone closes tweezers.

Stone closes tweezers.

Have you ever put a...

Come on.

A pair of tweezers.

Silk polishes stone.

And a subconscious stone?

Yes.

Go ahead, finish.

I said silk polishes stone, but there is a subconscious stone, and that's the the fourth vector that can really screw up the whole game.

And when my silk polished his stone, I was awarded another pin for my flare.

That's right, I now have the gut silk pin.

Very exciting.

One more step towards having every pin I need to annihilate the world purely of bars and grills.

Of course.

Is that why you're wearing that little piece of silk on your lips?

Yeah, a little silk mustache.

It's a campaign.

It's a campaign.

A lot of celebrities are doing it.

Yes, credit.

Oh, the two percenters.

The two percenters, of course.

Yes.

So now the got silk pin.

What kind of power does that give you?

Well, I think of it more as, you know, part of a compendium of pins that are eventually going to get me exactly what I want.

But yes, on a pin-by-pin basis, what does the God silk pin allow me to do?

Well, it allows me to create an endless thirst in any other person that I see fit.

They will never feel satiated.

So, it's sort of a thirst trap, is what you're saying.

It's a bit of a thirst trap.

That's how I get you.

Yeah.

It also looks like when you face that mirror that's kind of in the tavern, it looks like we see like a younger version of you kind of looking up to you.

Oh, yeah,

remember that?

Yeah, it was a bit of a deep cut, but we got it.

Like Disney's the kid.

I'm not familiar.

Like in the mirror, my younger version is saying, wait a minute, I grow up to be a loser.

Oh, I'm not sure.

But that's in the trailer only and not in the movie.

This is what's so confusing.

There are so many mirrors in this tavern currently.

There's so many magical mirrors.

You're looking in the mirror that makes you look like Bruce Willis.

Oh, I love this mirror so much.

That's a good mirror.

It's a wonderful mirror.

Arnie, I love when you tell me about movies from the world.

I know.

I know so much about so many movies.

Bruce Willis, he was in

The Story of Us.

He was in North.

He was in.

And these are his main roles.

Oh, yeah.

Main movies.

Yeah.

Blind Date.

Well, now, hold on.

That one is really good.

I remember the time you acted out All of Death Becomes Her.

Yes.

It was very confusing.

Yes.

You fell down the stairs so hard, Arnie.

And that's my movie.

I thought you're dead.

Fell down the stairs or got pushed down the stairs.

Oh, that's right.

He was teetering for a while.

That's right.

Here's the thing, and I will admit this now because I'm a monk's family and perma buddies.

You're a monk's family?

You're a monk's family?

I'd love to meet them.

Arnie, you can't be everything to one monk.

Red Queen Mirzia, can I talk to you privately for a second?

I don't know how you're going to do that.

It's not like there aren't a bunch of cones of side.

I'll get one of those helicopters.

Oh, convenient.

Get out of here.

Since I became family with Chunt and Usidor, I hate all of their ideas.

I don't know why.

I know.

Part of the reason that's happening is, of course, that I'm in your life now, and everything I say feels important and wise and a bit sexy, whereas everything they say now seems absolutely impertinent and stupid.

Yeah, sometimes family is.

Very normal.

Sometimes it's tough for family to adjust to the fact that you have a perma buddy in your life.

I know, I know.

And it's one of the things that gives me the most joy is knowing how uncomfortable they are with it.

Sure, absolutely.

Okay, let's let's

let's put up this cone and see whatever bullshit those guys are up to.

I can't imagine.

I can't.

I can't three.

Shoot.

Ah, I closed your tweezers again.

Uh-oh.

We are just passing time while you're in

the Code of Silence.

What did you talk about?

Tell us now.

Well, we were simply not talking about you or your being irritants.

And instead, we were talk.

Arnie was telling me about a movie, another movie from his world in which a magician makes everyone think he's making the cones of silences disappear, but really, there's a giant pile of cones of silences that are coming out through some sort of mystical potessor teleportation device so that you just walk out into a field and you realize, oh my god, it's been a series.

They're making a new cone every time.

It's called The Illusionist.

Yes.

And no one no one here can correct me that's right it sounds wrong for some reason

really really feels like a kind of a slight criticism as well making a new cone every time every time hmm

well i i i'm very sorry about that yeah i'm sorry as well um why uh why don't we take a quick break uh uh queen mercia would you um like a beverage from the bar oh i thought you were gonna ask me if i was gonna take us to break oh actually if you you don't mind.

Well,

here we go.

Here we go.

On a prayer.

Whoa, what's this?

It just appeared on the table.

A brake pin?

I summoned the brake pin.

You break it.

You got it.

Oh, my God.

I'm more powerful than ever.

We'll be right back.

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Welcome to the show.

You sort of was that voice.

That was fun.

Oh, it's what I've been working on.

Welcome to the show.

It's sort of an old-timey ringmaster guy who,

you know, he's sort of

past his prime, let's be honest.

And

he's sort of, you know,

slowly

stumbling towards the grave,

just hoping for any little piece of

hope or

notoriety, but ultimately he'll just die alone in a pit.

Fuck, what a backstory for that one voice.

Yeah, what do you think?

It's fantastic.

Thank you.

Now,

Your Majesty,

it is well known that you dabble in the arts of evil, of which I must confess, as always, I am opposed to evil.

Although my friend Arnie has become your perma buddy, which I have mixed feelings about.

What evil have you been up to and plotting lately specifically, so I may step in and and and confound your attempts well first of all i don't want to get too semantic but the word dabble just sounds so sinister you know it's just very very there's a you put a real stink on that right sorry i would like you to use a more uh ambiguous word like uh

you know excuse me i was gonna uh i'm so sorry i was gonna suggest tinker i thought you said beaver

Couldn't imagine how that was a good alternate.

I can understand the confusion that sounds, though, right, though.

Tinker, I like.

I beaver in the dark arts.

Tinker, tailor, beaver, spy.

Oh, you've been reading my fiction.

Yes, that's great.

That's great so much.

For your majesty, yes.

You find yourself

surrounded by evil and

constantly pushing its agenda forward.

Is that better?

How does that sound?

Oh, you're saying it's happening to me instead of me instigating.

Okay, yeah, that's not quite right either.

Instigate.

Oh, you're constantly instigating evil plans.

Tell me about all your evil plans.

So that you can thwart them?

That's.

I wanted to make sure I got the end part of what you were saying.

Yeah, I'd love to thwart.

I'd love to thwart a plan.

Ooh, thwarts.

Thwarts, kind of a strong word.

Okay.

Undermine?

Can I undermine your evil plan?

Undermine.

Sounds aggressive still.

Yeah.

Pay witness to.

There we go.

That's nice.

Everybody likes to feel noticed.

Sure.

You know,

again, I feel like I'm getting a bad rap.

All I'm interested in doing is creating a little chaos, ending a few long-term friendships, getting rid of a few bars and grills,

and generally just making the world in a more unpleasant place.

You're making it sound like it's not cool.

Now, you said a few bars and grills.

I believe your original plan was to get rid of all bars and grills.

And the reason we have to stand up against that is because the very name of this show is Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Yeah, and I love this bar and grill.

And if you get rid of all the bars and grills and taverns, then what the hell are we doing?

So I hate to interrupt bunk, but I will say I thought about that.

I have a carve-out.

I'm allowed to keep two taverns in existence.

One for the main feed, one for the Patreon.

So if we get rid of all the other taverns,

we'll still get to have, say, the wander lost.

And

so fucking busy.

Am I going to have to work back-to-back shifts?

Most likely.

My feet are already killing you.

Most likely.

We'll get you one of those little pads you can stand on.

They make a huge difference.

People don't realize that, but once you've washed dishes for even 20 minutes standing on one of those pads, you'll realize how fabulous they are.

Now, I'm sitting on one of those pads right now.

I'm just sitting on it.

That's right.

And you look fantastic, my good Perba Buddy.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

So, I'm glad that you said you carved it out because, of course, we went over to the carving station here in the tavern, had a couple of nice slices of ham, and carved out our plan to allow both of you to just stop whining about the idea of all bars and grills being gone.

Yes, you can have this one.

Yes, you'll be isolated on a sort of of rock island where you're not able to reach the rest of the world.

All of them will be shut off to you, and it'll just be a sort of swirling maelstrom of screaming children's voices when you try to step outside of it.

But you'll have your special place.

I'm so sorry to interrupt, Perma Buddy.

That's the screaming children's voices, that's going to be difficult for the podcast, I think.

That's only if we step outside.

To be fair, which we rarely do, to be fair.

They've come so far.

Isn't there a filter for that?

Can't you just filter that?

I think so.

Like a screaming children noise cancellation filter for people who work from home and have to do a second.

Doesn't everyone love banana pudding?

Uh, yeah.

Thanks, Ankh.

Is this the kind that has little chunks of banana in it, or is it smooth?

Oh, there's little chunks of banana, and there's also little wafer cookies in there.

Oh, he was adored.

No, no, no.

These teeth are for show.

I can't chew anything.

You can't chew anything with those teeth.

If I try to gnash anything, I'm just gonna pierce through my own teeth.

My teeth can pierce my teeth.

Oh, I didn't even think about that.

I have to keep my teeth separated from one another at almost all times, but I can consume pudding that's been that's truly just a pudding.

Do you you know what I mean?

Okay, well, I'll be right back.

So, banana-less pudding is what you're saying.

Banana.

Please, I'm gonna put it in.

I'll go see what else.

Banana-less pudding.

I'll go see what else.

I've got it.

I'll be alright now.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey, Hardy.

Yeah?

What is it, Cuz?

Um.

Nope, put the cone on.

Actually, let's use a bowl for this.

Okay.

I think I prefer a bowl just so.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Here we are.

Oh, it's the three of us.

What's going on?

Anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my perma buddy.

Obviously, and I love how roomy this bowl is.

If it had been a cone, I wouldn't have felt included.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

Yeah, it's actually for the best that everyone is here, except for Uncle Yusidor.

I was going to say, Ari, I don't know if this is within your purview, but I don't know if I'm using that word correctly.

I just saw it under your phone.

I have a bar I really like.

It is

called Morglorb Ritaville.

It's a bar that serves Morglorb and also sort of, you know, like nachos and stuff like that.

So I don't know if Morglorb Ritaville can like get on the list to like not

be sort of demolished or whatever.

Hmm.

How about this?

And look, I don't want to speak for you, Red Queen Mirzia.

I personally think it's a good idea to let you carve out 10 or 11 taverns that can still exist after they're all wiped out, but this is your last chance.

You have to name all 10 or 11 of them now.

Yeah, no, you can speak for me.

That sounds great.

Hop to it.

Yeah, okay.

Um,

fuck them all.

You know what?

Fuck them all.

Burn them down.

Burn them to the fucking ground.

Yes.

Well, fuck them all is an underground club.

Well, I shouldn't have told you that.

I see.

Oh, I have an idea for you.

One of them could be called the Perview, and it could be like a cat cafe, but it's a bar where you look at happy cats.

Oh, I was thinking it was the Perv View, where you're perv you go as Perv pervas great.

And that's number four, and that's number four.

Just don't put them next to each other, and you're fine.

Exactly.

Now, Arnie, I have to ask: do the perverts have a great view, or do you have a great view of the perverts?

Because that's a wildly different demographic.

I didn't say it's a great view, maybe it's a pervy view.

Okay.

Chicken or the egg.

The only smooth puddings they had were butterscotch and uh and lime.

I'll take butterscotch because of the way you said it.

Okay.

Butterscotch.

They did have tapioca pudding, but I thought that that wouldn't pass muster.

No, those pearls would do a lot of damage.

Yeah.

A lot of damage.

What's going on over here?

Well, while you were gone, these two decided that they wanted to kick you out of the group.

What?

Fine.

I've had it.

First, you become cousins, leaving me to be just the uncle when I begged to be a cousin.

Nay, I shan't stand for it a second longer.

I'm going to get on the tip-top top of my broom i'm going to fly straight into the sky

he flys so weird to stand to have the broom vertical and then to stand on the top of the handle and his arms on his side and his chin up and just fly looks insane

i would say angel dancing on the head of a pin i think it's charming but i would say river dancing because his arms are totally straight and oh yeah that is at his sides so self-serious Queen Mercia, speaking of angels on the head of a pin, when you, you said you can't really eat because of the needle teeth.

When you talk, does your tongue ever kind of get caught on one of the needles?

Oh, I lost my tongue years ago.

Years ago.

Oh.

It's but a fond memory.

I saw something darting around in there.

Is that sort of like a.

That's.

Yeah.

Go ahead, guess.

I thought it was like a little roach or something.

Close.

Hmm.

Close to it.

A big roach?

Closer.

Ooh, medium-sized size roach.

That's right.

Okay, yes.

It's a medium-sized roach.

And you only know it's medium-sized by guessing that there's a small version and a large version.

Otherwise, what would you have to compare it to?

If you guessed medium-sized to begin with, I'd have to say, compared to what?

Exactly.

I like the way you think, Queen Mirza.

Queen Mirza?

See, cuz, cuz.

Look, just consider it.

I know that you two traditionally haven't gotten along.

She thinks you're weird and you think she's evil.

But, you know, you're my cousin.

She's my perma buddy.

Maybe you should consider becoming a perma buddy.

Hmm.

Perma buddy.

Is that closer than cousins?

Hmm.

That's just a totally different.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Deeply closer.

Deeply closer.

Can I be honest with you?

I did not know it would be that easy to get rid of you, Sidor.

I didn't think he would just immediately go off and huff.

I thought he'd fight a little harder.

I feel a little, I almost feel guilty.

Oh, you thought it would be easy, eh?

I'm stuck on this chandelier.

Oh, um,

it's cute how you're hanging upside down by your legs.

That's very cute.

Thank you.

Like a like the jungle gym.

Thank you.

Oh, he dropped the broom.

Let me grab the broom.

Let me just poke you.

Oh, that was close.

He really poked you, Mon.

What?

Nothing?

Oh, oh, Yusidor, Yusidor.

We're all just taking it.

Did you hear what Queen Mercia said?

I can't wait for Arnie to tell her what a bad idea.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

I love that idea.

I love that.

What the fuck?

Why does he keep picking you?

Why is he picking you?

That was the correct response.

I'm thinking.

Arnie, don't think too hard.

Last time you did that, you squirtled a little bit all over the place.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling a little bulbasaur.

What?

Bulbasaur?

I see through your evil plot because you said it out loud a little while ago while none of us were paying attention.

Yes, I did,

honestly, how a lot of people get away with a lot of stuff.

Any chunt, I believe that Red Queen Merzia is trying to cause a rift betwixt us so that we aren't friends anymore.

Right before our 10th anniversary, when there's going to be so much great merch?

Well, don't forget today's my birthday, too.

Oh, and Ani's birthday.

Yeah, don't forget it's Ani's birthday.

I don't use her.

I don't really see it.

I think she's actually pretty great.

And honestly, she had a cool idea for what you just mentioned.

What's happening?

She said we should put some Red Queen Murchia in the store.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

I pulled that right out of your brain and I almost said it, but you got there first.

Great job, Perma Buddy.

Perma buds.

Great job, Perma Buddy.

Woo!

Chunt, you.

Ani, what about you?

Do you see the

machinations of play here?

I mean, I I don't know.

It's hard for me to agree with you when you say machinations.

I love that word though.

It's so like it just works in a lot of situations that I particularly find myself in.

So getting back to the merge, because

I just want to say I'm very honored and excited to be included in this conversation.

I'm very excited about your 10th as well.

I'm as excited about your 10th anniversary as I am about ridding this place of all the hateful bars, grills, and themes restaurants, except for the ones that we've, I guess, carved out for you, the carving station.

The purview, the purview.

The purview.

Certainly those.

The

fuck off?

Is that what?

Fuck them all.

Fuck them all, maybe.

I would like to suggest a pin

for your 10th.

And I think it's very befitting for some of the trials and tribulations that you each, all three of you, have experienced along the way.

You've been very noble.

You've been very brave.

And I can't think of a better way to celebrate that at a 10-year anniversary than with a pin that says, my eyes are up here.

How about it says, okay, Queen Mercia, this is brilliant.

No notes.

One note.

It says, my eyes are up here.

And then parentheses.

This was meant to be a pin.

And it's on a shirt.

I like it.

I'm realizing after I suggested it, that it almost sounds like I'm saying you have to wear the pin on your face.

Near your eyes.

I think our fans would like face pins, aren't he?

I mean,

yeah, I guess so.

Seems dangerous.

I mean, the fun thing about having a pin that says,

no, there are no bad ideas.

Now, the fun thing about having a pin that says, my eyes are up here.

Love that pin, by the way.

Love the no bad ideas pin.

The no bad ideas pin.

You can put that pin anywhere, and you start to have a little fun.

You know, like maybe you put it on your pants and you're like, my eyes are up here.

And people are like, wait, huh?

No, they're not.

So you're saying the pin should say, my eyes are up here by my penis?

Yeah, I guess so.

How about a pin that says my penis is down there?

That just seems true.

I think that's all three or four.

Ooh, how about a shirt?

Maybe it's Arnie on a shirt, and it says,

ask me about my medium-sized cockroach.

I love that because it's about me.

It's about you.

It's Red Queen Murchia.

Absolutely.

I hate to bring this up, but we actually are doing a thing on our t-shirt store on TeePublic right now, where if we say something should be a shirt, we replace whatever the last something should be a shirt was.

So if we want one of these to be a shirt,

just using a bad example, my penis is down there.

My penis is down there.

I thought there were no bad examples.

That's the Chun shirt, right?

Oh, there are lots of bad examples.

There are no bad ideas.

Yes.

Oh.

So that was a bad.

So I had a good idea, but it made a bad example.

Exactly.

Okay, I feel better.

I think I want my shirt to say it's my birthday.

Okay.

It is.

Wait a minute.

It is your birthday.

Is that because you do you want a shirt that says that, or are you just reminding us it's your birthday?

I mean, maybe a little bit of both.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, birthday.

What is a birthday again?

Hmm.

I know that you were sort of dead for a long time and sort of brought back by horrible things.

And a bicycle, maybe.

We try to get a bunch of people.

Yeah, you got bicycle handlebars on your head.

Yes.

Yes, thank you.

Yes.

Were you ever when you were a person at some point, you weren't born?

I, like many other people in Fum, was

manifested.

I wasn't.

I see.

Yeah, Ani.

Some of us don't have birthdays.

We were just manifested.

I see.

Well, the day I was born

49 years ago, today,

and every year to mark the occasion of one more year, formerly on Earth, now on Foon,

is my birthday.

But what do you mean you were bored?

Yeah, explain it.

What happened?

How does that work?

When did you have to sign something?

Yeah, let's have Chen explain it.

When a woman sees a man who's wearing a shirt that says my penis is down there,

when a woman sees a man,

go on.

Let's take a break and I'll uh explain it over the break.

Keep singing, keep singing.

Who said, Wear your shirt that says my eyes are up here?

Iman is always on call to her kids

and her patients.

One day she got the best ping ever.

It was the Expedia app.

Flight prices to Cosmo had just dropped, so it was a great time to book.

On the beach, Iman finally felt on call to herself.

Almost.

You were made to use your Do Not Disturb mode.

We were made to track flight prices to out of office.

Expedia, made to travel.

Available as a member benefit.

And that, my friends, is how someone is born.

That was disgusting.

Thank you.

Thank you.

True.

Yeah, every single second.

Arnie, that happened to you?

I will say it was pretty accurate.

You know, maybe more detailed than it needed to be.

But you look so dry.

Well, this is a good idea.

That's a great point.

You're so dry.

Yeah, keep in mind, this was 49 years ago.

So this is I've I've had a long time to dry and get wet again and dry again.

Or we could have a shirt where Chun says, get wet.

Get dry.

I was gonna say, this all feels like it's of a piece with the thirst trap pin of gut silk.

Maybe I need to give you that pin.

Really?

Permabuddy, are you suggesting you want to give one of the pins of power to me?

Am I suggesting that instead of giving myself one more piece of the puzzle that will take me to a very specific type of domination,

I would give that up to keep you in my good graces and mine in yours.

Yeah.

And it's my birthday.

No, I must hold on to it.

That was a fleeting fancy.

A fleeting fancy.

Ooh, the fleeting fancy.

That was another tavern I liked.

The fleeting fancy, yes.

Okay.

Oh, wait, we're saving taverns?

Nah.

We're creating taverns.

All the ones that exist right now, except for this one, toast.

Okay, I want to put TGIFs TGIFs on the list.

Thank God it's Frost Giants.

What?

That's the whole reason I wanted to get rid of them in the first place.

What?

That place is insidious and insipid.

But all the Frost Giants.

Yusidor,

in Queen Mirzia's Defense,

TGIF, thank goodness it's Frost Giants, anytime you go there on your birthday, Arnie, they go, is it your birthday?

And then they sing happy birthday, and then they go, now let's sing it backwards.

And they turn around and sing it normal again.

Fuck those frost giants.

Now that's evil.

Yeah, that's true evil.

Now I thought the theme restaurant with all the frost giants was called chilies.

Well, it is cold, but it's not chili.

Yeah.

It's more frigid than chilies.

I see.

And of course, don't get me started on those giant insects swarming around those pieces of fruit.

Ooh.

Apple.

Ruby Tuesdays.

Yep.

Sure.

Yep.

Sure.

Now, listen.

Have anyone noticed that all of of the restaurants have like a weird bizarro twin restaurant?

So there's Applebee's and Ruby Tuesdays.

There's The Illusionist and The Prestige.

Like why is that always happening?

There's Chili's and Chili's 2.

Arnie, buddy, I don't think it's that deep of an impact, okay?

Calm down.

Look, I'm up in Armageddon's.

That was the one that was too much.

What?

No, I had a burped.

Red Queen Mirzia, would you mind being, you know, Easter's our uncle.

Would you mind being our aunts?

Oh, I think...

I think that would bug my life.

That's all of them.

I don't know if that's true,

Capote.

Anyway.

I meant Kapish.

I meant Kapish.

Yeah, right, we understood.

Okay, so we've all agreed that we're gonna get rid of all bars and grills as perma buddies.

Of course, Yusuf, I'm including you in this because I have decided to make you a perma buddy, since you also hate bars and grills as much as I do.

I'm so torn.

I'm finally included, but yet it's an evil plan to destroy something.

Oh, Yusur, put on here.

Let me just put on a curve.

Sorry, Cone.

There you go.

Then I would be helping the forces of evil bring their plans to fruition.

Oh,

what a, what a, what a conundrum I find myself in.

I must see what has happened while this cone's been over my head.

What did I miss?

Oh, we were just watching you rub your chin so hard.

Yeah.

God, it looked painful.

Oh, I forget that you can see through those things.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Be careful because that's how I ended up with most of my organs on the outside of my body.

Just a little too much stress, anxiety, and rubbing.

Oh, you rubbed all those organs?

I don't know.

I rubbed them right out.

That's a t-shirt.

That's a t-shirt.

I just rubbed them right out.

First, I just rubbed one out.

That's a t-shirt.

Arnie, it's got to be a t-shirt that says, first I rubbed one out, and then I rubbed them all out.

And honestly, I'm going to order 10 just for me, in case I want to wear it more than once.

One for each day of the Foon Week.

Yeah.

Were they already gold, or did you do that later?

I did it later.

It's a nice look.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you very much.

Is it too late for me to become a perma buddy?

No, you already are one.

I just called you it, except you interrupted me, so I wasn't heard by you.

So I almost want to banish you from being a perma bunny, but I'm going to let you stay.

Oh, wow.

In my good graces.

Um, let's see.

Who do we want to kill first?

What?

Hmm?

You're gonna kill somebody?

I mean, just to get warmed up before we start getting rid of all the bars and grills.

It's nice to kill a person or two.

Oh, sure.

How about whoever made that fucking banana pudding?

Done.

I mean, not actually done.

I haven't done it yet, but consider it done.

Consider, you take care of it.

Me?

You brought the pudding into this.

Can't we kill someone evil instead?

You don't think that the person who makes pudding is evil?

Little Stan?

Yeah, Little Stan.

Little Stan isn't evil.

Oh, contraire.

Little Stan's a good guy.

And if we kill Little Stan, you know Big Stan's coming after us.

Let him.

Let him.

Well, it's actually a medium-sized Stan you have to worry about.

That's true.

And he actually looks pretty small, but relatively, when you see Little Stan and Big Stan.

You can't know until you've met both Little and Big Stan.

You'd think he's Big Stan unless you knew Big Stan.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, I'm glad everyone's feeling alright with all of this.

I'm excited for you to taste your first needless death at your own hands.

Did you say needless or needle-less?

Oh, no, it's going to be full of needles.

Almost exclusively needles.

Of course, we'll have to sharpen each of your mouth teeth into needles.

Our mouth needles?

Yeah, each one of your mouth teeth will have to become needles.

So,

who wants to go first?

I can start grinding away.

I'm not on a chunt.

Are you okay with this?

Are you sure you want to have mouth needles and kill a little stan?

I'm great with it.

I'm a shapeshifter, so that was you.

I knew that wasn't chunt.

Damn it.

It was a pretty good Chunt impression, though.

Thank you.

Chunt, you're okay with it, you said?

Yeah,

I'm a shapeshifter, so I'm just gonna...

There we go.

Ah.

Oh.

Look at you.

Needle teeth.

Wow.

Hmm.

Looks creepy.

That's what you think a needle.

Needle teeth look.

I mean, you're looking right at my needle teeth, and yet those teeth are very round indeed.

They're sort of bubble-shaped.

Yeah, sorry.

I guess for my mind's eye, I was distracted.

Needle teeth.

Did I do it?

More like a bristle, like a long brush.

Oh, okay.

Um, uh,

needle teeth.

Oh, sorry, they gave me a needle dick.

Let me try again.

Needle teeth.

Hey, your eyes are up here.

Uh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Let me.

We're.

Uh-oh, shit.

I'll be right back.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it's happening.

Oh, God, it says, it's happening.

Oh, God, it says.

Some people say that there's a man who lives in a cemetery here in Foon, and if you say his name, which ironically is Needleteeth, three times, you'll summon him.

So I hope that's not what happened.

I guess you said it four times.

I don't know what that means.

Oh, no.

Well, that stops him.

Great.

If you get that fourth one in there fast enough,

he doesn't have time to grab his keys.

Great.

Usidor, look.

I don't know.

I'm starting to have a little second thoughts about my perma buddy.

It's weird.

You know, I've spent so much time with you and Chunt, almost 10 years together, and you both mean the world to me, but I guess maybe over the last season I was starting to feel like I was spending too much time with just you guys and not enough time with other people.

And so I needed a little time.

And I guess it's exciting to have a new friend in the Red Queen Merzia, but I don't know that I want to completely change who I am.

Well,

that's a good instinct.

You should follow that.

I

want you to know that I love you and I value you.

Thank you, buddy.

And I hope you have a very happy birthday without sharp teeth and you don't kill anyone.

Yeah, I don't want to be evil.

Also, we have the anniversary coming up in just like a couple months.

How about this?

Yeah, we don't want the cops breathing down on X.

Back on my world, they'd have a thing where you would be like, if we don't get married by this age, we'll marry each other.

That's how almost every movie ends.

It's happening.

It's happening.

It's happening.

Sorry, guys, I just fucked up.

How about this?

After the anniversary, if we haven't solved all of Foon's problems, we'll turn evil.

Oh, I think we can get that done.

Yeah, so March is the anniversary, and then maybe we'll have like evil April where we'll just sort of give it a try.

Let's see.

We've been doing this for nine years and nine months, and it gives us about three months to fix everything.

Yeah, I think we could pull it off.

Yeah.

You know what?

Propulsive plot.

I'm back.

Yeah.

I've got a small Emery board for each of you.

And you could could start Paula you could start rubbing them against your teeth to make them pointy

Go ahead red queen Mercia

I stand against your evil plan and Arnie stands with me and Trunt our friend shall shapeshift his teeth back to their normal mode and put his eyes back down there.

Yeah

Dare you stand against evil

which

bears it oh I should you know what's new yes no I think you should

there's a wonderful TV show called stand against evil.

Yeah, absolutely.

What a weird coincidence, I bet

anywho great cast top to bottom Bruce Willis.

Mm-hmm.

Here's what I'd propose sure at least one Bruce.

Why don't you

yada yada yada anniversary three nine months nine years and you turn evil if blah blah blah.

Oh, it's just an idea I had.

It's a little ill formed because I was far away while I was having it.

Sure, Perma Buddy, you're not going to believe this.

That is word for word what we just said.

What?

Yeah, yeah, that's wild.

It's like we are connected mentally.

Wonderful.

So we're all on board.

Yeah, we're going to yada yada nine years, nine, three months, and then do another thing and then evil.

Great.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I guess all that's left is for me to

just hang around close.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Right, Queen Mercia, this is awkward, but why don't we keep this Apple TV's platonic?

That sounds like it's too close to the competitor of Applebee's.

Apple TV sounds far too close to Applebee's.

What did I say?

I meant to say Applebee's.

Applebee's Platonic.

All of that's fine.

I'm going to stand close and just touch each one of you with one of my folding hands.

And just remind you that I'm here for that yada yada time when you're ready to become evil.

I'll be just so close you won't even be able to stand it.

So you're just gonna be standing there completely silent for the next three months?

Which does not sound so bad.

I doubt she'll be completely silent.

I'm sure she'll maybe say one word every three episodes or something.

What do you think about that?

I think that sounds great.

I'll try to.

Why don't you say now what some of the words that you might say in the future are

in the exact way that we'll hear them in the episode?

I couldn't possibly melon,

Jacobian,

frisky.

These are great words.

Pirate.

Pilot.

Eat.

Sleep.

Be melly.

Four.

Five.

Morrow.

May we

die, Fleetermouse?

Something like that.

Sure.

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you about my friend who was apprenticed to a pirate, but he was supposed to be apprenticed to a pilot?

That sounds like it's birthday related.

I'm already on board.

Oh, Arnie.

Um,

everybody ready?

Hmm, I'm up here.

My voice is up here.

Happy birthday

to

you.

Happy

birthday.

Pick up the bass to you.

Normal, normal, normal.

Happy birthday.

Too fast.

Too hearty.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to

you.

Friends, family, perma buddies, thank you so much.

I love all of you.

And I just learned that if you just say it's my birthday enough times, eventually people will come around to sing happy birthday to you.

Well, Arnie, that's not all.

Guys, let's sing it backwards.

Happy

birthday

to you.

Just normal.

Just sing it normal.

Just fucking normal.

Guys, don't leave me hanging.

I almost wonder if we should sing Happy Birthday again, because I'm pretty sure I aged a year listening to that episode.

But now let's get another chapter in what I call Merchandise Nightmare, because they keep changing the shirts we're selling every couple episodes, instead of story arcs and stuff like that.

Apparently, the new Arnie shirt reads, It's My Birthday.

It was less clear from the episode what the Chunt shirt will be.

First they said, get wet, then they said get dry.

Finally, they landed on, first I rubbed one out, then I rubbed them all out.

And that's the new Chunt shirt.

It's like Darwin's theory of natural selection, but gross.

To review, the current Arnie shirt is It's My Birthday.

Chunt is, First I Rubbed One Out, Then I Rubbed Them All Out, and the Usador shirt, aka the steadfast tin soldier, is still Suck It Kneecamp, all available in our TeePublic store for a limited time.

Link in the show notes.

This is what 2025 is going to be like.

Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Merzia the Red Queen was played by special guest the resurrected Judy Garland.

Oh no, that's my vision board.

Merzia was played by Janet Varney.

Check out Janet's podcast, Braving the Elements, currently in season 4.

I remember our season 4.

We weren't selling TeePublic shirts.

It was a happier time.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

I'm taking a break from mentioning them by name because you've broken me.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, you barnacles, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Most importantly, if you do sign up for the Patreon, it's cheapest if you do it directly on the website.

Sign up through the Apple app, and there are added fees now, I guess.

And with those added fees, you won't be able to buy more of our terrible shirts.

So I don't know what I'm recommending.

Again, sign up at patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Hooked on Phonics Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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