Patreon Unlock: AMMA: Ask Mysterious Man Anything

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Though they may be spoils I've plundered from under Arnie's nose, don't think they're about to go bad.

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And speaking of patrons, it's none other than my former boss answering questions from patrons on Patreon.

Finally, so many secrets revealed.

Enjoy.

People of

Patreon.

Here is where I normally would say the following podcast is not real.

But for the purposes of getting through this, let's all agree the following question and answer session is in fact real, if only so I may fulfill certain personal and legal obligations.

I would like to thank you for submitting all of your questions.

I will do my best to answer as many of them as I can, minus the ones I don't want to.

Finally, apologies in advance if I do pronounce your name wrong.

Please bear in mind, I'm not very invested in this.

Now, scanning over your questions, there were certain repeat ones that I did see a lot of, and I was hoping we could simply dispatch with those right away.

The very first one, of course, is the question, where did you come from?

Where is my origin?

Which is, um,

we don't have a lot of time here, and I'm not giving you the coordinates if that's what you're looking for.

In a sort of universal, uh, metaphorical sense, it would be akin to,

I'm going to say, Tampa.

And by that I mean, of course, like a highly condensed nebula, a popular for some, overrated, others might say.

Very claustrophobic, I will say, I had to get out of there.

My dreams were simply too big.

Next, there were several of you that were curious about what I might be doing if I were not doing the thing that I am doing, which those close to me, of which there are none, would know that my eventual hope is to run a tiny bookshop where I very occasionally solve murders.

That's the hope, and of course I am squirreling away some funds

and researching the perfect location that has an enjoyable number of murders and not an, you know, a taxing level of murders.

So plus the book sales.

I think the two together will keep me happily content for many years.

The final one that we did seem to wander into well-trod territory was, I believe, the popular party game of, let's say, have sex with, Marry, Kill, Arnie, Chunt, and Usador.

Three sort of incidental bit roles on the show.

You don't hear from them very much, but when you do, I suppose some people enjoy it.

Anyway, have sex with, Marry, Kill.

Well, as we know, I can't have sex with Chunt as there is a real danger of him becoming another one of me.

And no one, and by no one I mean me, wants that.

So we can't have that.

Which leaves me, I believe, with the calculus of have sex with Arnie, much as I would need to commit to doing most of the work.

Marry Chunt, which is never going to be boring.

I think we all can agree.

I would have to do a bit of work in terms of getting used to wordplay, wordplay that comes over whatever I was talking about, wordplay that distracts from whatever the topic was at hand, leading up to some lengthy bit of wordplay, leaving everyone to wonder, was it worth it.

And finally, kill Usador, because as we've seen multiple times, it does not seem to stop him from returning and being an active participant in the storyline.

So that one I could do

without much misgiving,

which addresses that game once and for all.

Now,

to your specific questions.

So, Charles Johannick writes, how did you get the honor of being the framing device?

Long story, one that I can't go into here, I will simply say this.

If you work in some sort of office environment and you see any sort of sign-up sheet attached to a wall or a refrigerator, read it carefully.

Read it very carefully.

Don't go signing any old form that you see taped up around your office.

I'll leave that there.

Charles Weaver asks, what exactly is your deal, bro?

To which I say, lifting and making those gains, bro.

That's all you you need to know, Charles.

Michael Copley Casely.

Grilled cheese sandwich or cold cheese sandwich?

Now, this is an interesting one, as we know.

I perceive time differently than most, and so both of these sandwiches are in a continual state of each becoming the other.

So, I'll take everything that you're offering, knowing that at any given moment in time, I might be having either choice, of which I find both delicious.

I am the Steve.

All one word, no time for spaces, apparently, Steve.

Do you have a morning drink throat routine that helps with that voluptuous voice?

First of all, thank you.

Yes, I am the Steve.

I have a careful regimen, and that is nearly a gallon of fresh honey.

And the real trick is to coordinate with bees that are willing to make it in your mouth while you're drinking it.

That's the real trick.

Will Frederick, what's your favorite pasta dish?

Ah, I believe on Earth you have an entity,

what is it called?

I believe the Olive Garden has a thing called the never-ending pasta bowl, of which I simply admire the manipulation of space and time such that the bowl, as I understand it, is never-ending.

I've never encountered it myself, but I'm very excited.

When we say favorite, I mean most excited to encounter at some point.

Sabrina Celeste, are you really that apathetic?

Or is it just a farce?

Sabrina, if you're asking the question,

I would say I've already succeeded.

Thank you for your time.

Ivy McKenna, do you think crabs think fish can fly?

Do you think crabs think fish can fly?

Ivy, I'm not your stoned housemate.

This isn't time for those sorts of theoreticals.

There's too much actual data to discover in this session.

There are plenty of other people, I'm sure, can help you with that one.

Alex Wakehouse, could you beat Usador in a battle?

Well, that would be decided by would one

be permitted to attack while an opponent was, for instance, still saying his name?

If that were the case,

that battle would be over pretty quick.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Love, actually.

Next question, Dev, what is your exoskeleton care routine?

Oh!

Well, Dev, that boils down to a simple phrase.

Buff, buff, buff.

You can't buff enough.

And I mean simple household cloths, a sponge, but then getting up to something as serious as a diamond-tipped saw.

You just want to buff and keep buffing.

You can never buff enough.

Jake Locke.

There's a double A.

I hope I'm doing the pronunciation justice.

George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

I assume we're talking

casting Batman, to which I'd say George Clooney every time.

Brad Pitt, too quiet.

I mean, too quiet.

Criminals wouldn't know you were coming.

They wouldn't know you were there if it were Brad Pitt.

So we'd have to go with Clooney on that one.

Hmm.

James Devine or Divine asks me, is there life on Mars?

To which I say,

not the way Gavirone throws his parties recently, there isn't.

Maybe someday life will return to Mars, but right now, it's a real snooze.

Lemmy Winks, what's your favorite midnight snack?

Oh, this is an easy one.

Nothing is more enjoyable close to midnight than piping hot gremlin.

Brian Turley.

In all caps, why?

Brian, curiously enough, I'm asking myself the same thing.

You had one chance to ask a question, and that's what you wrote?

Ruminate on that.

Matthew Zamski.

Favorite fan thick.

Oh, it would have to be 50 shades of gray.

Hands down.

Well, hands restrained, I suppose.

Kathleen Suiski.

Mmm, oh, this one's a lengthy one.

Luckily, my vocal warm-ups will not fail me now.

You can battle a historical figure to death in an arena of your choosing.

Who are you fighting?

Where are you fighting them?

And what is your weapon of choice?

See, what I like here is many times it's just who would you fight?

But Kathleen, get specific.

Who, where, what?

Easy.

Dorothy Parker at the Westminster Dog Show.

Weapon of choice, a thesaurus.

Adam with two A's, a D, and an M.

Great.

Classic spelling, but thanks for leaving nothing to the imagination.

Hmm.

How do you keep your scales moisturized?

Oh, Adam, that's an easy one.

You must dance in the rain.

Whenever given a chance, and as often as you can.

Dance in the rain, Adam.

All A's, that one D and one M, all of you, dance.

Cam

Rose.

Hmm.

Since it's obvious you know a great deal about the secrets of the universe, my question is, what's the best cheese to use in a grilled cheese sandwich?

Another cheese question.

And does soup always have to accompany it?

Thanks,

NASA.

Now, the question's from Cam Rose, but...

I'm not sure if Cam is speaking on behalf of NASA.

NASA's always trying to get into my business, to be honest.

and this is a little transparent if this is NASA.

I'm surprised you would waste this opportunity to ask a sandwich question, but then there's no predicting them.

I'll simply take it seriously, which I find is the best revenge.

I prefer a combination of cheddar and Swiss.

It keeps the palate guessing.

Um, does soup have to accompany it?

No, soup doesn't always have to accompany it if you're not interested in excellence.

Thank you, Cam, or NASA.

Megatoad 09.

The first eight megatoads weren't bad enough, but now finally.

I believe they perfected the megatoads with number nine.

Top three people to invite to dinner.

Oh, easy.

Usidor, Chunt, Arnie, and then I don't show up.

That's an evening I'm interested in.

Alexander Greeley.

Well, Alexandra writes, You kiss your mother with that mouth?

To which I say, you type that question with those fingers.

I think that's all we need to say there.

Ah, Virginia Kay writes, which eyeliner, the black or the blacker than black?

Great question, Virginia.

I would go with the black velvet at midnight in the center of a black hole, black.

You want as black as you can get.

That is the eyeliner for you.

Patrick Joint, J-O-Y-N-T.

Hi!

Thanks for visiting again.

I'm...

Hmm, I'm not sure when I was here, but anyway.

Ah, to business.

I'm stuck in season two because I'm so sad about how our favorite sport turned out, let alone our favorite home team.

Should I go on?

No.

Virginia K, do you even like yourself?

Now, hold on.

Virginia K wrote just a moment ago and now is writing again with a slightly more cutting question.

Do you even like yourself?

Virginia, I just gave you pretty top-drawer eyeliner advice.

Let's not be greedy or no one's going to like anyone.

K.

K.

Vin Chris.

Favorite framing device?

Mmm, I would have to go with Peter Falk, Princess Bride, Matter Settled.

We have another question.

Red Keener.

Red Keener writes, who hurt you?

Well, Red, I'll tell you the answer after you're done editing this.

Next we have Daniella with two exclamation points.

I am registering the enthusiasm, Daniela.

Oh, this is a nice one.

What's your favorite Elton John song?

You know, it probably, I feel like I'm going to disappoint you.

I know I'm disappointing myself.

It's probably still your song, even though Mulan Rouge made such a thing out of it.

I liked it before.

I just want to say, early adopter.

Um, but over the millennia, a tiny dancer has found a place in my heart, so I would I would probably pick those two songs.

Hover ferret.

Ugh.

Like, ferrets on the ground isn't enough.

Hover ferret.

What's your opinion on soft cheese?

What is

this like?

Is the cheese bureau ta- is this like a raid from the cheese bureau on this Q ⁇ A?

I'm not sure uh all the cheese questions.

I mean, I'm happy to answer them, but what's your opinion on soft cheese?

Hmm.

I uh you know, if someone waggles a a bowl of fresh mozzarella in front of me, I'm not gonna say no.

It is a little um

off-putting the way it will sometimes it would come in its own little lake uh in the market where it will be in like a little container of water.

Because most food, if you were to purchase it and the selling point were, oh, look, it's been in a container of water for an unknown length of time, would not be a selling point.

But with mozzarella, apparently it's what you look for.

Soft cheese on board is what I will say.

Hutch, can you help me asse

this is the question you ask.

Amazing.

Can you help me assemble this couch from IKEA?

What's really mysterious is how these armrests are supposed to go on.

Of course, Hutch.

I'll be happy to help you assemble that couch.

Let's just gather up all the pieces.

Yes, all of them, even the one over there.

Let's put them right here in the...

What do you call it again?

Yes, the fireplace.

Now, if you could just hand me that jug of gasoline, mm-hmm, from your utility closet.

And oh, look, I have a single match left, and I'll leave you to it.

I think we've sent this IKEA couch couch to where it is supposed to go.

Biddy B,

how do you get through the dark times?

You know, Biddy, I would say podcasts, but between you and me, I'm still waiting for some really quality comedy podcasts to be produced.

When they are, I have a feeling they would be very helpful on a rainy day.

Let me know if you find any that are worth anyone's time.

Esme Esme singer asks,

favorite Muppet.

Ah, I'm going to say Rolf.

Old school, I think there's just something so simple and approachable about Rolf.

He has a and he has a skill,

piano playing, you know, so there it's not aspirational like certain hat-wearing bears.

I could mention.

He's the real deal.

I love Rolf.

With Guy Smiley being a close second, what a chin.

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James Gerard Murphy.

Given March Magic occurred recently, what is your personal favorite March blank?

Hmm.

I'm gonna go with March Comma Joe.

What a Spitfire.

And a writer to boot.

That's my favorite March Blank.

Biddy B, who we heard from just a moment ago asking about the Dark Times, what question would you ask yourself?

Hmm.

You know, I'd love to ask myself something really

disappointing, just so I could finally see the expression from outside.

So it would probably be something like, what Hogwarts house are you?

Or if you were a, I don't know, a tree?

What celebrity would you fall on?

Just to really take in the expression.

That's what I would do, Biddy.

Jenny Jenkins, what is your favorite sweet treat?

Uh, you know, it would have to be the Burger King French toast sticks, and yes, that

has gotten me in trouble.

I can't go into the details just yet.

Nathan Duncan!

As a framing device, do you ever wish you had more control over the editing process?

Absolutely, Nathan.

I would love some control over the editing process.

And in fact, in my spare time, I have developed an algorithm that can pinpoint and delete three

very specific voices.

I don't want to throw anyone under under the bus.

Three certain voices I've really gotten tired of hearing.

And luckily, it would be as simple as Command Shift, whatever the keystroke is, would find these three voices and delete them.

The show would go so much faster, and dare I say, be triple-fold entertaining.

If given the chance, I'm waiting for my moment, Nathan.

I have not been given it yet.

Iris,

what do you like to do in your downtime?

You know, misleading Yelp reviews for places where I have never been

always puts a smile on my face.

It's an easy way to spend my downtime.

They're not doing a lot of fact-checking over at Yelp.

I'm not sure who's on the console there these days, but not always negative either.

I know what you're thinking.

Not always negative, just confusing.

And I'll keep doing it.

That way it's always right there at the top.

That's what I do.

That's my go-to, I guess.

For downtime.

Joseph Henderson.

Do you have good posture?

You seem like the type who would have good posture.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I believe I have excellent posture, Joseph.

And I'll give you my secret as well.

First thing in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror.

Take a good, strong, deep breath.

And then never let it out.

That's it.

That's my secret.

Dakota!

Ah, Dakota asks, my question is, how long will it be till I hear my name at the end of an episode?

Also, when will we get the Mystery Man musical we all crave?

I wish I could add- I know there's a system to how the names show up in the credits, I don't know what it is.

And as far as the second point, it sounds like between you and me, we now both have something on our vision boards.

Pirate King Darren!

The Pirate King is in parentheses.

Darren, are you ashamed of it?

Is it a secret?

Because you're putting it in your screen name.

Anyway, Pirate King Darren, what's your favorite animal?

If you could become an animal, would it be your favorite or something else?

Now, I don't know the name of this one.

I've seen it here and there on the internet.

There's sort of a big walking

crane or crane-type bird.

It's big.

It's like, I think it's maybe like three or four feet tall.

And when it clicks its beak together, it honestly sounds like a jackhammer.

It sounds like it can't possibly be making that sound.

I mean, it's honestly like like gunfire.

I would be that.

Especially when

people are doing that thing in a cafe where they were behind you in line and then they kind of walk in front of you as if they're reading the sign, but they're also managing to cut in front of you.

If I could transform into that crane in that moment, that would be aces.

Alex Rubinstein.

Martin Wilson.

Thoughts?

In that, does he have any?

No, I don't think he does.

Ryan McGill.

Given the amount of extra-dimensional travel occurring under your watch, wow.

Wow.

Have you considered a performance improvement plan?

Hi, Ryan.

Um, considering that uh Jackbox Games has a product that's getting close to launch, do you really think you have time for whimsical questions like that?

Also, has the Enchanted Forest next to your desk?

I know a little bit of insider information there, but I think uh Ryan brought it on himself.

Brian Breakfield.

Hey, you seem to keep an eye on a lot of dimensions.

I do my best.

But do they also have their own versions of you?

Oh, this topic.

Oh, and there's more.

Have you ever met other versions of yourself?

Have a favorite?

Did you get along with yourself?

Well, there are more of me out there.

It's not comfortable running into them.

There was one time

where a bunch of us had to take an unexpected late-night road trip to return a wanted criminal to justice.

It was a disaster.

That's all I can say on that.

They're out there.

I don't enjoy them.

They should enjoy me, so they're all in the wrong.

That's as much as I know for now.

Diamond Smith, is your ship pet-friendly?

Well, Craig's on it.

Matt Redman.

What moment, when you recall it, can still give you goosebumps?

Oh,

that's a nice question.

Let's see.

You know, I'll give you a real answer here.

Your Earth

literature, and then I believe films later, Lord of the Rings.

That moment early, well, near the end of the first section, Fellowship of the Ring, where the character Samwise simply won't give up on Frodo.

Frodo's trying to leave, and Sam won't let him.

And when you think about how really that moment, I think, the fate of the world hinges on one friend simply not being willing to give up on the other.

It gets me every time.

That Sam is just so good-hearted that all he knows is

I simply won't leave you.

I think it's a lovely moment.

Gets me each time I read it or watch it.

And if we want a more within our universe

answer,

what moment when I recall it will always give me goosebumps?

Probably the first time we killed Usador.

But it didn't take.

And here we are.

Jacob Hand.

If you could be the framing device for a real podcast, fair enough.

Which one would you frame?

Ugh.

This American Life and a Heartbeat.

I'd finally bring some clarity to that thing.

Just, you know, a nice narrative thread.

Something we could all follow.

Ira Glass, you have my contact information.

I know you do.

Put me to work.

Um, Michelle.

This is a real out-of-left field.

Why doesn't Tim Sniffin get credited at the end of episodes?

Um,

let's see, I guess Tim Sniffin would get credited the moment he contributes something to the episodes.

So, we're all waiting.

Jackson Hilliar.

If moths were the size of horses and you were tasked to lead a team to get rid of the giant moths, what would you name the team?

Ocean's 12.

Peter Summers.

Any advice for someone looking to start a career as a mysterious man?

What would you tell your younger self?

Well,

you know, to both of those questions, I would say, it's never too soon to start wearing a cape.

Although I will tell you, when I did try

to tell that to my younger self, All I got was, how did you get into the delivery room?

What are you doing here?

You're frightening him.

That is a newborn creature.

It can't understand you.

It was just a whole thing.

You know, you try to help yourself.

You try to do some good.

And you're just met with a bunch of, you know, intergalactic surgeons shooing you away.

Goes to show, no good undeed, gone unpunished.

Anyway, I learned to wear a cape in due time, but never too early to start, Peter.

No matter the weather.

I mean, I know right now we're in your Earth summer, if you're in this same hemisphere.

But make it work.

There are always ways to make it work.

Al Rice.

Hmm.

Rice.

Would you buy that for a dollar?

Now, Al, if you are quoting Smash TV,

I love you.

If you're not, I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Go find the person that wrote in about if crabs think fish can fly.

Smiley Dave.

What book would you bring to Book Club and why?

That is if Arnie invited you, if he and Book Crab were in fact real, which we know they're not.

But so we return to the the first section of the question, what book?

I think I would go with a classic, which is

The Monster at the End of This Book,

starring Sesame Street regular Grover, which, I mean, I hope I haven't spoiled it.

It is one of the great reveals of all time.

I'm going to put that up alongside Citizen Kane, the usual suspects, just riveting.

I'd bring that, and I don't know that a single book club would be enough to discuss it.

I think it would, that could go on for multiple sessions.

There's so much there.

It's so dense.

James, have you met framing devices for other stories?

Is there a union or some way you can network?

I've always wanted to know if the captain's log from Star Trek is fun at parties.

You know, James, the captain's log is fun.

What is not so fun is the logs for other ranks on those starships.

Because think about it, James.

They're all creating those logs.

We just don't hear all of them, and that's probably for the best.

but when you run into them at parties, boy, everyone seems to think they're the hero.

You know what I don't need to hear?

How Miles O'Brien completed another level 2 diagnostic on the transporter coils.

Really?

So

he did his job as expected again?

That's all going in the log, and they are going to tell you about it at parties.

Captain's log is fun.

Uh, because the captain's log knows it has to kind of make it count.

So, uh, yeah.

Always happy to see that one.

Irene Carstairs.

Hmm.

Any fashion tips for aspiring mysterious entities?

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Capes, capes, capes.

Start there.

And then, uh, whatever the cape is not covering, I would begin by bedazzling.

See how that works out for you.

Jeff M

simply asks, how do you sleep at night?

Jeff, I sleep like a baby on a big pile of unresolved storylines.

Dave, who is the third murderer in Macbeth?

Well, Dave, uh, if I remember correctly, it was Skeet Ulrich.

Belle, if you were a pirate, or I already like this question, what color underwear would you wear?

I would wear treasure map color.

David Rinaldo, if, and this is a big if, bigger than that uh

summer movie that maybe has already come out.

Uh, more whimsy from uh John Krasinski, I think it it is.

Wonderful.

Anyway, if, and this is a big if,

considering the podcast is not real, it's not, and you were forced to take Chunt, Usador, and Arnie out for a night on the town in New York City, sounds like a nightmare.

Oh, to which Broadway shows would you drag their ungrateful and wholly imaginary carcasses?

Thank you for the framing, David, and saving me the trouble of clarifying a lot of this.

I'm gonna get real again.

I have heard there is a show going on right now featuring a performer named Cole Escola doing, I'm not sure if it's a one-person or if there's other cast in it, but it's a show.

Apparently, Cole plays Mary Todd Lincoln, and the show is called, Oh, Mary.

I have heard it is hilarious, and I am, if there's any possible way I can travel to the New York City area, I am going to do my best to see it.

And if I understand correctly, it is a limited engagement.

So if you're looking for a hot Broadway tip from this entity, entity, Cola Scola's Ole Mary is what I would see.

As to the whole scenario you described of taking those other three people, culture is wasted on them.

Wasted?

I would not do that to the performers of Broadway.

Cruz Salas.

No question.

Just want to say so happy for this, one of the best and most underrated parts of the podcast.

I'm almost ready to call it right here.

What a wonderful statement.

Cruz,

this

is why we did this.

Along with some very real legal threats coming from higher up in production of this entire venture.

But mostly for moments like this.

Thank you, Cruz.

Brandon Nunnery.

Do you miss Craig?

Who?

Let's see.

Rasmus Rosquist.

Dear Mysterious Man.

Apart from monitoring the Foon feed, what are your other duties?

And on that note, are you part of an organization?

Are you a subcontractor?

Or is this gig an entrepreneurial endeavor?

Rasmus, what are you writing on behalf of LinkedIn?

This is the question you ask?

Do you go to like an author signing and ask them about problems you're having with your typewriter?

Rasmus, get me an email and I can forward you my W9

if that seems to be the main avenue of your curiosity.

Tarnum J.

Ugh.

I thought we wouldn't have politics on this, but they ask, can Luxembourg be redeemed?

I'll tell you this, Tarnum.

It will be a long and complicated redemption arc for Luxembourg, but I am rooting for them.

I think they can manage it.

I hope they can.

I don't believe they can, but I hope they can.

Sean Gaynor.

Are you surprised at the continued success of the podcast?

Sean?

Surprise does not begin to describe.

Amazed?

Slack-jawed, flabbergasted, horrified.

All of these emotions race through my mind daily, each new time they actually release an episode.

Summer Saunders.

How does one get their name said at the ending credits?

Also, do you worry about running out of things to say when introducing and ending the show?

So, Summer, I wish I could clarify the first part.

I mean,

there is a Patreon process.

I don't know what it is.

As to the second part,

I will worry about running out of things to say when the hosts of the show worry about being entertaining.

Cookie Petals.

What a wonderful name.

Cookie Petals asks, Are you really that mysterious?

Cookie Petals, if you have to ask, seems like it's working.

Mike Fox.

Oh,

do you know how much you're loved?

Uh, well, Mike, now I do.

Oh my gosh, it just started snowing outside.

Ugh, looks like Christmas is going to show up after all.

Oh, and the bank just wrote.

The loan's been forgiven against Grandma's old farm.

Oh, what a wonderful holiday season this turned out to be.

Tarnum J.

Ooh, real question here.

I've discovered an interdimensional portal in a

another.

I've discovered an interdimensional portal in a toilet stall in a KFC in Rotterdam, the Netherlands.

For now, I've simply marked the stall as out of order.

Good job, Field Agent Tarnum.

But someone is bound to eventually find it.

What do I do?

Fair concern, they always seem to.

Tarnum, the big thing that you can do today is if anyone is coming near near it, please simply make sure they don't have podcasting equipment.

Let's start there.

Let's fix what we can today.

We'll worry about the rest tomorrow.

Hem the Goblin.

Hmm.

Maybe it was one of the ones trapped underneath the Institute.

If so, sorry about that.

Hem asks, hypothetically, if other dimensions did exist, don't like where this question is going.

Could there be a musical theater dimension?

Also, what is the best berry for casual snacking?

I'm not even sure why these are in the same paragraph.

That's a real left turn there, hem.

I mean, alright.

Off the record, the musical theater dimension is out there.

And I find blackberries bring a nice level of heft.

Blueberries, you're picking up one at a time.

You talked about casual snacking.

It feels a little small change.

You pick up a blackberry, you're doing some work.

That would be my choice.

Maul the Witchling.

What's your favorite Earth meme?

Hmm, I'm not incredibly well versed on them, and dare this become too inside baseball.

There are some real humdingers out there under, I believe it's Magic Tavern memes on Instagram, but as far as other than the ones that I've seen there,

there's one with, I think, it's a woman from reality TV shouting across a table, and then on the other side is a cat looking incredibly satisfied.

Let's just say I've been both those people.

so I really enjoy and identify with that one.

Stephanie R.

Corrigan.

What's something you find infuriatingly underrated and want to tell folks to check out?

Hmm.

Oh,

I'm going to give you an answer that I find very pretentious.

So judge away because I know I'm judging as well.

The National Theatre in London has a really good streaming service where they've recorded their productions.

It must be with shows where they have cameras all over the place because there's lots of great close-ups and things and it's wonderful theater.

I mean, pretentious enough yet?

Agreed.

But they're great shows.

They do Shakespeare.

They do other things.

And it is, it might be like $15 a month.

So what I would say is do it for a month.

You know, we all don't have $15 to throw away, although you could just skip the Patreon for a few months.

You didn't hear it from me, but you're hearing it right now from me.

Don't do that.

But anyway, if you

could do it for a month, and it's been some really enjoyable viewing from home.

I, you know, maybe the main characters of the show can jet over to London whenever they want to.

I myself cannot.

So for those that can't, just wander over to London when the mood strikes, you can watch excellent, excellent theater from the comfort of your own home.

It's just called National Theater, I think.

on TV or National Theater Live.

If you search for it, you'll find it.

It's kind of underrated.

Maybe not in London, but I don't know that everyone knows about it here.

We can call it infuriating.

There's my answer.

Katrina.

Ooh, Katrina has two questions.

One, where do you get off?

Two, how dare you?

One, I get off at Christopher Street in 7th, Katrina, or I walk when I have time.

Two, I dare.

Micah Saunders, what's the best dimension you've been to?

Uh,

again, none of them are real.

But if they were, there is one called the Manners Dimension that is very enjoyable.

Um, again, when you're in like a cafe or somewhere where you're waiting and someone does that thing where they just

pretend like they're confused or they're reading and they start to wander past you, in this world, there are just these huge hawks that just swoop down, grab you by the shoulders, and you're never seen again.

So no one ever does that, but when they do, the hawks come.

Manners dimension.

I enjoy it.

Hmm.

Brian Keith Cunningham.

Mysterious man, how do you feel about the name Tim?

Hmm.

As I say it, I guess I'd find it powerful,

commanding, sexually compelling.

Yes.

Yes, I'm going to say I like it.

William Dodds asks, is that an isopod seeking a suitable biosphere, or are you just happy to see me?

That's the whole question.

Is that an isopod seeking a suitable biosphere or are you just happy to see me?

Uh,

that's great.

I mean, I enjoy that.

This was worth it, along with the very nice comments that came earlier.

Yes, yes, I am glad I did this.

Ryan Marlow, hmm, enemy of Shakespeare.

Who's your favorite character from any of the episodes?

I'm going to go with, uh, again, between us, I enjoy many of them.

Um, Claudia the Witch, big fan.

Big, big fan.

Captain Stevil.

If you could design a universe, what would it be like?

Ah,

it would be a universe containing a glorious galactic star cruiser where you and family members could visit for, let's say, a three-day, two-night experience that was reasonably priced.

With no obstructions during any evening mealtime entertainment, and at the end of your experience, you would get your own real working lightsaber.

That's what would happen in my universe.

Douglas Price,

is there any way of getting the adverts back now that I've signed up to the Patreon?

Douglas, what am I?

Customer service?

I don't know.

Good luck with that.

There must be some other way of asking this question other than asking me during this question and answer period that I'm only doing once.

Good luck with your very technical dilemma, Douglas.

I think we've both paid a price for this interaction.

James Irving,

have you ever actually witnessed a universe end in an unstoppable dance party?

James, it's like you were there.

Wait a minute.

Were you the person in the Venetian devil mask?

Ugh!

James, return my texts!

Dom Travolta, fantastic name.

Dom Travolta, dear God, how did I end up here?

Dom, are you reading my mind?

Jolly the old saint, before it's time to go, I guess Jolly is deciding that we're nearly done.

Before it's time to go, would you give us some parting advice?

Sure, I can give you advice.

Jolly,

get comfortable leaving parties without saying goodbye to anyone.

Once you've mastered that, it is such an amount of pressure off your shoulders, you'll get years of your life back.

And you can tell people, and I've had this told to me and I appreciate it every time, I leave without saying goodbye.

Hey, just so you know, I leave without saying goodbye.

Tell people that when you arrive somewhere and then it's not hurtful later.

That's my advice to you, to anyone.

Just and leave.

No one minds you coming and saying like three little, you know, halting sentences on your way out while they're trying to talk to someone else.

Grab your code and go.

They'll thank you for it.

Stuart Long.

Are there actually ninjas and dinosaurs fighting in space?

We were taught this as children, but sometimes I wonder.

You know, we're really playing fast and loose with what I can disclose here, but of course there are.

I mean, not nearby, but of course there are ninjas and dinosaurs fighting.

And I will say, it is a surprisingly well-balanced fight, which is why it's been going on for some time.

There's no clear winner.

It goes back and forth.

They take little breaks.

I mean, they're not monsters.

Well, one of them is sort of monsters.

But anyway, of course there are.

Although, you probably won't be seeing them anytime soon.

Elliot Young, you can only choose one.

Ooh, you're giving me a situation.

You can only choose one.

Admit to every listener that the podcast is real.

That's not going to happen.

Or compliment Martin Wilson one time.

Ugh, this is a real, uh, impossible choice.

What do you do?

Hmm.

Well, the podcast is not real, so we're not doing that.

Martin

Wilson

has never murdered anyone while doing

a basic daily task like brushing his teeth.

Martin has never murdered anyone while committing some sort of

humdrum,

joyless task like brushing his teeth.

There.

I've said it.

Let's call that a compliment, because that's what I can manage.

Shepdog,

do you have any regrets?

I'm having one right now, Shep Dog.

Will!

Who are you wearing?

Oh, this?

This is made from 100% Garfield.

Chelsea M.

Which universe do you prefer listening in on?

And then they offer some possibilities.

Cowboy Evil, one that we haven't heard from yet.

I can't remember.

Have we been to the Talent Universe yet?

I'm pretty sure we haven't.

I feel like I would remember that, but I can tell you when I monitor it, it's a little easier to bear than what we normally have to endure.

So maybe someday we'll find our way to the talent universe.

We're not in it now.

I can tell you that much.

Joanne.

and it looks like this is our final question.

If I didn't get to yours, take it personally.

Joanne asks, hi.

I would just really like for you to tell us one time, and one time only,

how proud you are of all Tavernistas.

I swear, I swear I'll feed off that until the end of time and definitely won't be needy.

Joanne, and all of you,

I am so proud of you.

You are dear to me.

Why?

Because we are getting through listening to all of these episodes together.

It's fair to say, I don't know what I'd do without you.

You're all dear to me, and I am so proud of you and think fondly of all of you.

Dare I say, Tavernistas, you complete me.

Martin Wilson, Yawn.

These have been the entirety of your questions.

I've been dreading this for some time, and now I realize I was right too.

But also, it did fly by.

It was lovely encountering and doing my best to answer all these questions.

And I will wrap up by saying, if you didn't like anything that you may have heard today, simply remind yourself it wasn't real.

Oh, wait, there's one more question here at the bottom of the basket.

Let's see here.

If it's not too much trouble, would you mind crediting crediting me as having edited this episode?

Yours, Benji K.

Unbelievable.

Here I am at the end of this, by all accounts, Herculean task of wading through this cacophony of listener queries.

And you still want me to do the credits at the end?

No.

You made your bed, Benji K, so-called editor of this episode.

You're not getting celebrated for, as I understand it, hitting copy-paste a bunch.

Know this.

There is one person I regularly credit for contributing very little, and that is Ryan DiGiorgi.

Well, I guess Garrett Schultz's involvement has grown murky over the years.

Ugh, well, now my good mood is ruined, which I suppose only means the status quo and universal narrative equilibrium has been preserved.

In closing, the person who truly contributed nothing to this episode would be Martin Wilson.

And now, to the bat.

What a saucy guy, am I right?

He should have probably also thanked associate producer Anna Hoverman with a special guest shout-out for

Tim Sniffin.

Huh.

But far be it from me to criticize my former employer.

Just think, you could become a patron and support Hello from the Magic Tavern for just five bucks per month.

There are a lot of nifty perks, including two new bonus episodes each month, a monthly newsletter from the hosts, access to the Magic Tavern Discord, the full back catalog of bonus content, ad-free versions of the main show, and more.

For instance, all the questions in today's episode were submitted by patrons.

That could be you.

Learn more at patreon.com/slash magictavern.

I hope all you beautiful people have a happy new year.

Stay safe and stay cool.