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People of Earth, the snow is drifting, the candy is being caned, and it's that time of year where we try to cram all the slipshod storytelling and myriad narrative red flags into a single scene.

It's like the Wonka Everlasting Gobstopper, but just gravy.

So sit back and enjoy the scene.

Chunt, Chunt, use the door.

Look, it's snowing outside.

Oh, wow.

Oh, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Shut your mouth.

Do you don't want to catch those on your tongue?

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

Snow and Foon is little shards of glass?

Of course it is.

Yes, everyone knows.

Air sense the curse of Glassy the Killman.

Glassy the Killman.

That's all I have.

That's it?

That's the whole song?

Yeah.

It's more of a lyric.

Arnie, do you know about Glassy the Killman?

Have we told you before?

I remember maybe back in season one, I heard

a little bit about Glassy the Killman.

That

snow is made of glass, and that someone made

a snowman and put

it in the middle of the morning.

And put something on him like magical armor.

That's right, and he came to life.

And eh, since then, he's roamed out throughout Foon,

killing children until he melts, and then every year he rises again once there's enough snow to form him fully.

Oh, yeah, but we're not kids.

Or does he ever sometimes make exception for people who make choices like their children?

If you're a child at heart, you might get stabbed, but not killed.

Now, the only way to defeat him, of course, is to remove his Rudebager nose.

And Arnie, that's a huge part of why he kills kids.

See, kids always fuck around in the snow, glass, and they're always like rolling up the snow into big snowballs, glass balls.

And so

they built this snowman, glass man.

And they're like, wouldn't it be fucking funny?

And kids are, they were just fucking around.

And they're like, wouldn't it be funny if his nose was like a Rutabaga?

Right?

So they went to like a neighboring farm and

picked like the ugliest Rutabega and just jammed it in the face, right?

And then.

The weirdest part of that story is they were already on a farm, a Rutabaga farm, and went to the neighboring farm

to get a Rutabaga from there.

So these kids were real assholes.

Their parents counted the Rutabagas on their farm, so

they'd know if one was missing.

Right.

This question might seem completely random, but does Classy the Killman smoke anything?

Arnie, there are no random questions, but there are dumb ones.

Of course, he smokes.

He smokes corn.

Now, what he does is he'll get, you know, 40, 50 bushels.

He'll put it in a smokeshed.

He's trying to impart like a hickory flavor.

Because I don't know if you've ever had cream corn with like a hickory.

It's like a smoky flavor.

It's so good.

Smoked cream corn.

Yeah.

Yes, put a little aioli on that.

It is unbelievably good.

So he does have sort of refined tastes.

A little paprika.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, he smokes things.

He cures some things.

A lot of illnesses.

Oh, he's also a doctor.

Yeah.

Oh, did you not say?

I thought it was implied.

Yeah, of course.

Between killing children,

he went to Glass Medical School and

he learned all the medical arts for other glass people.

The tragedy is

he's the only one.

Yeah.

He used to be Dr.

Glassy, the Dr.

Killman.

Yeah.

But they took away his doctorate when he started killing all these kids.

Does he ever say something like, please, my name is Dr.

Glass.

Don't call me Mr.

Glass.

Mr.

Glass is my father, Samuel L.

Jackson.

Well, no, his father is Philip Glass.

Yeah, beautiful music when he kills kids.

Okay, so Glassy the Killman kills kids and then heals adults?

Does he also heal kids?

Yes.

Oh, of course.

He doesn't just go on a killing spree and then not clean up his mess, as it were.

Yeah, he'll heal kids.

Sometimes if a kid is like hanging onto the edge of a cliff, Glassy will come up, he he has boots on, puts the heel right in their fucking forehead.

Oh, so he'll heal them, he'll heal them.

Yeah, I see, yeah, I see.

What were you asking?

I'm in like uh, medically heal.

Oh, oh, goddess's no, oh, okay, sounds like a monster, sounds like a real monster.

I've got it, I'm just gonna say it.

He's literally a monster.

Well, he's a seasonal delight as well.

You can be, I mean, we all contain multitudes.

That's true.

Well, I mean, I guess his song is pretty catchy.

How did that go again, Chunt?

Glassy the kill man.

Yeah.

And sometimes the kids, sometimes the kid there's something will happen in town, and the kids will be like, Glassy,

glassy,

right?

Because they think in their head they're like, surely, surely a doctor will help me.

No, no, no, no.

He's out the kill.

Yeah.

Yes, and when they call for Glassy,

they all run to the edge of the town, to the old well.

They hope that he's trapped there at the bottom of the well, but he never is.

He just starts murdering them.

And we've gone through probably four or five glassies because

glassmen die pretty quickly.

So it's not the same glassy.

Well,

do you know about glass ears?

Glass ears?

Glass years.

Glass years.

So every

I don't know how to phrase this.

Well, for you, Arnie, I'll say every human year, every year for you, Arnie, that goes by is a year and a day for a glassman.

So it's

pretty wild.

They age rapidly.

I mean, twice as fast, but not, you know.

Oh, wait, no, not twice as fast.

How long is a year again?

I don't need a gift this year, Arnie.

You've already given it to me.

Okay, I have an unrelated question.

Who's Parson Brown?

Who's Parson Brown?

Yeah.

I keep hearing about Parson Brown in relation to Glassy the Killman, or something that sounds like Parson Brown.

Parson Brown.

Oh, Parson Brown.

You mean the kid with a ton of hair on his head who always kicks the ball?

Is that what you're talking about?

I hate Parson Brown.

He has one vertical stripe down the middle of his shirt.

I think Parson Brown isn't it that kid that's been through so much tragedy and doesn't deal with it well, but it's still kind of a good grief.

All grief is good if you learn something from it.

And that'll be five gold, Arnie.

Yeah.

Rest my hands on my makeshift lemonade stand.

Wish Parsons Brown's dog would mind his own business.

He's really snoopy.

He really kind of snoops around and

knows a dog.

Town gossip, even.

Yeah.

Schroeder.

Whoa, oh, sorry.

Let me

put my legs one over the other here.

Let me cross my legs.

Sorry, that showed.

Didn't mean to.

My Schroeder was out.

Arnie, does Earth have any sort of like any sort of holiday, you know, mascots or delightful characters?

Oh my goodness gracious.

On Earth, you know,

all the holidays have sort of wacky mascots.

Well, Chunty's told us about some of them.

There's,

let's see, there's Beetlejuice.

Oh, yeah.

Don't keep saying it.

There's Nacho Libre.

There's

Kung Fu Panda.

Carrot Top.

There's Carrot Top.

Arnie, you said every year, Carrot Top will give you a gift and then take it back and hold it.

And within 10 seconds, be like, doesn't this kind of look like this?

And then do something with that gift.

Yeah.

Anyone else?

Oh, anyone else on Earth?

I mean, those are the most important ones.

You know, this is funny.

You're not going to believe this.

But on Earth, there is something kind of

a little bit similar to Glassy the Killman.

Called Frosty the Snowman.

And he's made of glass?

Yeah, you said snowman, so glass.

Well, technically, no.

I mean, on Earth, snow isn't glass.

What is it then?

It's...

I'd be lying.

What is it?

I'd be lying if I said I fully understood what it is.

Arnie, what is snow inform us?

Chunt, you've given me a gift.

You normally wouldn't say this, but you've given me a gift.

I'll still take a gift from both of you.

Eusidor is harder to shop for.

Yes.

What do you get for the wizard who can produce anything?

That's true.

Yeah, he can just magic himself anything.

So on Earthy, he's a friendly.

Like, Frosting the Snowman doesn't kill anybody, as far as I know.

And he just sort of like walks around going thumpity-thump-thump.

Oh, he's like a rabbit.

He's like a bunny or a rabbit?

No.

Although he does have a carrot for a nose.

A carrot?

So there's carrot top.

So he's like a sexual creature.

It's thumping with this carrot.

He's a being of pure sexual energy.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Like you said, Helen Mirin is.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Arnie, your tongue.

Never seen it reach your chest like that.

Let me pull that back in.

Arnie, Helen, any chance?

Hey, listeners, any chance out there Helen Mirin is a listener?

Just we'd love to hear from you at magic tavern at puppiesoutsupplies.

It's a real email address.

And if you're Helen Mirren, you can email me personally at

gmail.com.

Wow.

That's weird.

We should probably bleep that out.

Yeah, bleep out Helen Mirren.

Now, Arnie, you said

this Frosty made of knot glass, I guess.

You said he's like a sweet guy, cheerful.

So Frosty's like sort of a...

Like when you see a gnome that's like one foot tall and he's called like

Biggs, it's that kind of thing?

I mean, no, Frosty, he's not emotionally Frosty.

If anything, he's probably a little too available.

He's cold because he's made of snow.

Like, it's cold.

It's like ice.

So he doesn't kill anyone.

He's just sort of thirsty.

And

he's thumping around.

It doesn't sound like there's much of a story there.

Yeah.

Not much to hang your hat on.

Although, to be fair, I can't say definitively that Frosty has never killed anyone.

Like,

I'm sure there have been instances of people trying to make a snowman or something where there was a horrible accident and they got buried in snow and just sort of died of hypothermia.

Now, have you personally met Frosty?

No.

No.

Wait, Arnie, no.

You once told me when you were very drunk that you ate 10 Frosties in one night at Wendy Nee Camps.

Wendy's sexual.

Wendy's Ni's Camps.

Yes.

Okay, yes.

Look, I don't want to talk about some of those stories are a little unseemly.

I just want to focus on the fact that it's the holiday season.

And I'm here with my two best buds.

Just praying to the goddesses above that we don't get murdered by Glassy the Killman.

Yes, happy winter solstice to you both.

I'm not particularly worried about Glassy.

I mean, I've met him.

I don't think he's much danger to us.

I think we could easily remove that Ruda Vega.

Plus, he only lives for like,

not very long.

What was it like when you met him?

Do you know when you

meet someone who you've heard a lot about, and sometimes you feel like you don't know what you're going to say, and then you're kind of like waiting your turn to say hello?

This was at a charity event.

And

I got up to the front of the line and I said.

But there's a charity event.

Yeah.

Where you could go to this charity event and meet a known child killer?

Well, hold on, Arnie.

You've not heard of former doctors without borders?

Now, if you're a doctor and you have your license stripped from you, you can go anywhere.

Yeah, you can do whatever that you want.

You're lawless.

So we're trying to raise money for former doctors without borders, and I was waiting in line.

I'm thinking, what am I going to say to Glassie?

They killed me.

I get to the front of the line, and I just kind of blurted out,

killed any kids?

Oh, the one thing.

I know.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

Oh, awkward.

And he kind of went,

yeah, yeah, you know, he kind of like shrugged, and then he died.

Oh, then Glassy died.

Yeah, he died.

I caught him like that right at the moment when he was going to die.

Yeah, and I reminded him right before his death of his horrible, ghastly crimes.

So I feel pretty good about that.

We raised a lot of money that night, though.

And remind me, the money is to help catch these former doctors that you also

have in attendance there.

Because

you should pay for the food at the event.

You should just use the event as a trap.

Huh.

I didn't even think about it.

Oh, yeah, like a sting operation.

Like you say, why are you here?

And they're like, oh, I'm here to kill kids.

And you're like, busted.

Yes.

But here's the thing.

If you set up an elaborate trap at this charity event, don't tell the people that sell merch.

Why not?

Because they'll tell Glassy the kill man.

They'll be way too trusting and they'll explain the whole sting operation.

You know, you try to put your net out to catch someone and you got your heart on your sleeve.

You can't be a heart net.

And you, Sidor,

I'm still waiting for a gift from you.

Damn it.

Thought that would be enough.

Guys, I love you so much.

But as we head back to the tavern,

what's that?

There sort of seems to be a shape hovering by the door.

Oh, yeah, it's sort of like I want to say three orbs stacked on top of each other, the top being the largest and then going smallest downward, sort of an apple shape, I guess.

Yeah, so either just like a big-headed, small-bodied person

or someone standing, doing a handstand.

seems a bit reflective.

Could be made of, I don't know, mirrors or

some sort of shiny crystals, maybe.

This reminds me of something, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Me neither.

You sorry, do you want to.

Have you ever cast Detect Magic or Detect Traps or whatever?

Oh, yeah, it's one of my favorites.

Can you undo that now?

Where do you at, Magic?

Where you at?

That creature is magical.

I mean, that's that's a lot of stuff in Finn.

Yes, but that one.

The tech magic is kind of a bullshit spell in this world, if you ask me.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I think.

I think Serendipity has come to visit us.

And...

Hmm.

Right behind her.

Hi, Sarah.

It's Glassy the Killman.

Sarah, can you move?

Miss Dippity, can you move, please?

Okay.

There he is.

I can't believe we put the address of this tavern in a book.

If Sarah and Dippity could find it, then we would be reunited.

That happened.

We put the address in a book?

We should probably beep that out.

Hi.

Hi, Glassy.

Hi.

Kill me kids?

Fuck, fuck.

Great, you killed him.

Do we think that was a coincidence?

Or does that kill him?

Well, I mean, when you're confronted with the terrible crimes you've committed, it doesn't really...

You know, it's not a thing you really want to confront.

And if you're made of glass already, you know, house of cards.

But he also confronts it in such a nonchalant way, where he's like, yeah, yeah.

And then

daddy.

No, I feel like it was pretty chalant, Arnie.

Oh, okay.

Pretty chalant.

Pretty chalante.

Pretty

chalante.

Oh, Arnie, have we ever told you about...

What are you guys doing for New Year's?

Oh, Sarah, you scared the shit out of me.

I I thought you were glassy.

What are we doing for New Year's?

We are.

Arnie, what are we doing for New Year's?

Like a Patreon episode?

I don't have any plans.

I think we're going to take it off.

Okay.

We're taking it off, baby.

Woo!

You are getting cut up so much by this snow.

Yeah, ow.

Ow, ow.

Arnie, how are you not...

Ow, how are you not getting a single piece on you?

I just...

I move so fast.

I just weave between the snowdrops.

Also, use it or put a non-glass spell on me.

That's right.

Oh, hold.

Sarah's holding a piece of kistle toe.

I think she's looking for someone to kiss on you.

Whose toe is that?

Mine.

You cut off your toe so we'd kiss you?

Yeah.

Arnie, I don't like to say this, but Sarah and Dipity is a little bit off.

Yeah, okay.

Guys, why don't we let's let's get in the tavern and let's have some drinks and let's enjoy the holiday season.

And listeners, we love you and we'll catch up with you again soon.

Sounds good.

I'll get rid of Sarah.

Hey, Sarah, we're coming in for drinks.

You want to join?

I can't go through that door.

Oh, because

like a restraining order or?

No, because

what would happen if I go through the door and then what if I stayed on this side of the door?

It's like a sliding door situation.

Sliding door?

Do you mean opening door?

That's what I meant.

Oh, look, she's.

Wait, no, she's sliding down a hill on a door.

Arnie.

I gotta tell you, that is.

Yeah,

she is a wild one.

Kind of fun, though.

Kind of fun.

Yeah, I guess so.

It seems quirky at first.

Yeah.

Happy winter solstice to one and all.

Whoa, Usidor, your robes turned red with white trim.

Well, sometimes during the holiday season, my robes turn a crimson red, and I fly around giving gifts out to all the little children who happen to live.

Well, your bag of holding grew so large.

That's right.

Here's a gift for you, Ani.

Oh,

and a gift for you, Chunt.

How to read books.

A book called How to Read Books?

Yeah, well, you know,

I love a great God gift.

Any mine's a book that says how to receive gifts.

No, thank you.

And you said, oh, we didn't forget you.

Arnie and I chipped in our monthly salaries for the last

like a week and a half or something.

I guess it was a monthly salary.

We each chipped in and we got you something.

Here you go.

Bring in the big box with the four legs poking up.

Is it two cats on their hind legs?

You know it, baby.

Oh, just what I wanted.

And finally, I'd like to give a gift to the editors of this podcast.

We promised them we would keep this bonus scene to 12 to 15 minutes, and we definitely have already blown past that.

But just so they have a little less work to do this holler day season, I'm going to say, good night, Chunt.

Good night, Usidor.

Good night, listeners.

I love most of you.

Oh, love you, Ornie.

Good night, Serendipity.

Oh, look, Serendipity is playing a full 18-head drum set.

Just a little gift to the editors.

And as a gift to our editors, I'm going to cast a magical spell that makes all of the sounds in these last seconds of this episode not sound like anything.

But if there's no sound effects, what do we sound like?

Whoa, user sounds weird.

Yeah.

Sounds like Dave Foley.

Oh, it's like seeing him with no beard.

And yet, I'm still left doing the credits, so I guess not every holiday wish came true.

User the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Jump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode from the new season of Shadow City with Anthony Birch.

We've known you your whole life.

I mean, you don't know when that film was taken.

It was, you know, it was a while back.

So it could have been, it could have been months.

Oh,

oh, oh, oh, I see.

Well,

maybe we should help you reconcile with your father.

I'm sure he'd like if you just talk to him and just open up the dialogue, he'd love to, you know,

form a relationship with you.

So Smarty Pants says, I've actually got a better idea.

Since you seem to, bizarrely enough, be so stupid that I cannot penetrate your feeble minds, I'll hand things over to a more professional interrogator.

And he leaves, and a person comes in wearing an all like maroon suit with a mask that like covers their eyes completely with no eye holes.

And he has a symbol on his chest that says TD.

And he sits down in a chair across from you and goes, I'm Truther Daredevil.

Let's play.

To hear the rest of that and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Abril Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This bonus scene edited by Garrett Schultz.

Dusting off the old editing skills after his years-long hibernation.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Next week, we'll have an unlocked Patreon episode on the main feed.

And dare I say, it is our one Patreon episode that meets my high standards of quality.

Basically, I answer a bunch of your questions.

Then, fully rested and ready to disappoint, we'll be back with a new episode on January 6th.

Yes, now a date with an unfortunate association, Arnie's birthday.

Begin your mental preparations now.

Farewell.

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