Season 5, Ep 37 - Bag of Holding (w/ Justin Michael)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Now, in some hemispheres of your blue-green hardened blob of lava, I know it's the season of giving, including things other than long probing stairs.

And while you ruminate over the perfect gift, please know that soon I'll be sending out explicit instructions on how to disable internet from your home and block any audio downloads for the foreseeable future on Keepsake Parchment Paper.

Until that moment of Yuletide Sugarplum Bliss, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Mecamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wanderlost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my cousin, Chump the Talking Badger.

Aw, yeah, cousin.

Hey, Cuz, how you doing?

Oh, pretty good.

Actually, you know what?

I'm doing very good.

Very good?

Yeah.

All right, let me...

I'm charting your moods.

Let's see there.

all the way up to.

Very good.

Huh, it's just a circle with two dots and a smile.

I guess that's me.

I realize that you two have decided to become cousins and left me to be an uncle, but I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if I were like a

family pet?

Huh, that kind of feels like my

position.

Okay, okay.

You could go back to being that dog you were at some point last season.

Professor Scraps or whatever the fuck the name was.

Hey, that was ages ago.

I remember nothing of this.

I want to hear what Chunt had to say about hot ads.

Well, it's interesting that you brought up being Uncle Usidor because,

you know, Chris Must is coming up

not too far away.

It's right around the corner.

And I could not wait to get something to Chris that he must do.

So I thought to give the two of you a chunt must, Chris.

A chunt must present gift, if you will.

Ooh.

Is this like a coupon book?

Um, no, Arnie.

And actually, from a couple years ago, you still have not redeemed any of your massages.

Yeah, I know.

But there's so many adjectives attached to each of those massage coupons.

They're very specific.

Very specific.

One wet massage, one horny, wet massage, one wet, horny massage.

Yeah, it's a lot of the same adjectives in just different orders.

Mm-hmm.

Well, this year, I planted the three of us.

It's your, again, your chuck must gift.

I planted us a family tree.

Now, Arnie, I assume you know nothing about family trees because this is a foonish thing.

But anytime you find out you have a family, I just want to interrupt and say, oh, sure.

Yeah.

Thank you for taking off the burden of having me say, what's a family tree?

I just, from now on, can we just have you say, and Arnie, I assume you don't know what a family tree is.

This is what it is.

Buddy, I gotcha.

Thanks, Cuz.

You're welcome, Cuz.

Damn it.

It's okay, Unk.

Chill out, Unk.

I don't like it.

W.

Wait, that doesn't work.

Uncle Usidor, we'll just say the full thing.

Yeah, yeah.

So a family tree is when you discover you have family, you plant a tree with a strand of each of their hair, and then the tree grows in however many different sections, and each section will kind of

sort of resemble our faces.

Oh.

So cousin Arnie, cousin Chunt, and Uncle Usidor.

Oh, that's very nice.

Yeah, the tree's planted in the basement, and then when it gets too big, when it starts to try and take root, we can plop it down somewhere.

Why did you plant it in the basement?

Well, we're in a tavern that has legs and walks around.

That's a good point.

If we planted it outside,

we'd lose it immediately.

Yeah, and then you guys would be like, you didn't really plant it.

And I'd be like, I did.

That brings up a good point that I've been wondering.

How does our basement work?

Again, like, I know, look, we're currently in a tavern that magically can move around and has legs and walks around sometimes.

But there is a basement.

I guess I'm not outside of the tavern enough when it's moving around.

Like, is it just like dragging its basement around like giant balls?

I guess you're restricted by the rules of space and time again.

Yeah, Arnie, I think the basement kind of works.

Remember how you told us not to make you talk about Earth?

Remember how you told us about truck nuts?

Also, Chunt, thank you for just saying not to make you talk about Earth instead of sort of like coercing me into talking about Earth and I have to say I want to talk about Earth stuff.

I like how we're slowly moving me out of the podcast entirely.

Aw, sweetie, it's not that.

It can be.

Remember when you told us about truck nuts, Arnie?

I do.

One of the most cherished items on earth.

I think the basement sort of works like that.

It's a small, I don't want to say pouch, but it's a small unit that drags underneath the tavern as it walks along.

That's, you know, sort of bigger than it seems, I guess, is the way your brain could best handle it.

And you said only Brazil nuts were worse?

Yes, only Brazil nuts are worse.

And only peanuts are better.

Charles Schultz, we've read some of that on the Patreon.

Oh, fuck.

Ahem.

Oh, you okay?

Ahem.

Oh, Usidor.

Oh, Schultz.

She also joined.

Yes, Arnie.

Wait, do you want to do it or do you want me to do it?

Arnie, I don't want to make you have to keep introducing us.

I got you, bud.

Okay, great.

And we're also joined by Usidor.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakis, the Elves Nubius Fiashan.

Could you tell some bullshit?

I still have to cheat.

Oh, sure.

Gasmanus Maestar.

And then there may be other secret names.

Holiday names that should be.

Just say what he didn't say.

And I spent part of this week getting a lot of my holiday crawling done.

What's holiday crawling?

Oh, sorry, I wasn't supposed to make you do that.

I should assume you don't know what holiday crawling is.

Yeah.

Well, you know, like every winter solstice, you have to go and do some crawling in dungeons so you can have gifts to give to your friends.

So you got to get all your holiday crawling done.

It starts earlier and earlier every year.

All the dungeons put up all the signs.

Like

three-headed Hydra, you know, used to was five heads.

Now just three heads.

You know, everything's like, you know, marked down.

But I got some pretty good stuff here.

I got

a knife with some jewels encrusted on

the handle there.

It's pretty nice.

And I got a...

Does that make it harder to hold on to that knife, though?

Like, doesn't it make the handle a little slippery?

It makes it prettier to hold on to that knife.

Okay.

I got a very nice belt here.

This belt.

I don't know if it has any magical properties.

I need to cast a detect magic on that one.

Oh, and I got a series just a bag.

And...

Hey, let go of me.

Come on.

Get your grubby little paws off me.

Whoa, Usidor, that belt was talking to you.

Oh, no.

I think it was the bag.

Oh, wait.

Maybe it was this.

I found a bidet.

Is it the bidet?

Are you talking to me, bidet?

No, you're looking at the wrong thing.

It's the bag.

Okay, look, it's me, the talking bag.

The top of the hole is kind of moving like what you would call a mouth.

Oh, yeah.

I see it now.

Oh.

I choose not to talk.

Was that...

That was the bidet, I think.

All right.

Was that really the bidet?

Because it looked like you were talking.

Why would I do that?

Well, Arnie, I don't know.

Maybe you feel like you're slowly being edged out of the show and you needed to, you know, switch to a talking bidet.

Well, you know, I know.

I suppose if I...

If some of the burden of hosting this show was taken off of my shoulders, I would free me up to do my bidet work.

This seems like a cousin, cousin, uncle, family spat.

Sorry to interrupt.

Whoa, he nailed it in one.

Yeah.

I guess I really am the uncle.

Yeah, but I mean, that means you get to boss all the little cousins around.

Oh, I never even thought of that.

Yeah, what's that sexy little thing you're wearing on the top of your head?

Oh, you mean my

hat?

This week I'm not wearing the mystical armor of Bekla Gellig.

I'm Yahina.

I'm back to my regular hat because I'm like, well, if there's going to be a big war that breaks out, I have time to probably put on a helmet, you know?

Yes, I'm wearing my old hat, the big brim.

You like it?

You like that?

I love it.

Yeah, it kind of reminds me of me.

You know what I mean?

It's got something, a big hole in the middle.

You keep stuff in there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All sorts of stuff.

Crazy shit.

You wouldn't believe what's in there.

Oh, yeah, I bet I would.

Well, come on.

Tell me something.

What's in you?

We get all nosy about what's in my hat.

Okay, you're right, you're right.

I'm being a little aggressive right off the bat.

My name is Goblin the Swallower.

I am not a goblin.

I gobble stuff, you know.

Goblin, hold on one second.

Chunt is exploding, ready to just explode with so many things he'd like to say about your name in particular.

Oh, great.

Every time someone says they're a swallower, Chunt's about to explode.

I get it all the time.

Chunt.

Chunt, are you going to be alright?

I think so.

I'm going to calmly walk around the table as we continue to talk.

Are you turned on, or are you just kind of generally excited in a non-sexual way?

Yes.

Yeah, all that.

All the above.

Plus, some other stuff that we don't need to get into right now.

Well, Goblin,

I see that you're a mystical bag who can speak to us.

I suppose you don't look particularly large, though.

I suppose there's probably maybe some coins in you, maybe a piece of gum.

Oh, I got more than that.

I got more than coins and gum, my friend, okay?

I'm a magical bag of holding, okay?

I got a business proposition for you.

Hold.

You know, I was wandering, hopping around in the basement downstairs, which is obviously very clear to me what a basement is.

We don't need to explain it.

Everybody understands what it is, right?

It's clear.

And I saw a lot of loot down there.

You had a lot of extra loot.

And it feels like you need a better space to hold your loot.

And I am like an infinite magical hole, okay?

You can put anything you want in me.

Pause right there.

Sorry.

You said infinite magical hole.

And

just let Trunt walk that one off.

Sorry,

Chunt, why are you holding something over your crotch area?

Oh, I'm just super interested in this book, and I want to read it from low down.

How not to be horny.

Wait, your dick can read?

Okay, it's the idiot's guide to how not to be horny, okay?

It's not working, but that's okay.

It's okay to be who you are, Chant.

I have the next two volumes inside of me if you want to dig around the wet hole.

Arnie, I'm concerned that these two are going to destroy each other.

This got a lot nastier, a lot faster.

I'm really sorry.

Things aren't usually this nasty with me immediately, but you know,

that's not your fault.

It's not you.

It's not you.

That's 100% us.

I take at least one-third of the responsibility.

Yes, look, Goblin the swallower, you're clearly a classy dude, and none of this is you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, I mean, maybe I could one day join your family.

Maybe I could be another cousin, perhaps.

Ooh.

Can I ask, how is Goblin spelled?

Because you're, I don't think, a goblin goblin, right?

No, no, I'm a bag goblin.

I'm goblin G-O-B-B-L-I-N apostrophe.

Oh, the extra B is for bag.

Yeah, the extra B is for bag.

Yeah, it is an acronym.

Good old big bag.

Live inside now.

Apostrophe.

Wow.

Fuck, that was...

That's a good acronym.

That was fast.

I mean, I'm a businessman, you know, or a business bag.

Something I've noticed about the acronyms on this world, as much as they're a mnemonic device for people to remember things, they tend to come very slowly when I ask people to say what the acronym stands for.

Arnie, that's not true.

In fact, Chunt is an acronym for

changeling.

Huh.

Um

nice

touch.

Okay.

Don't you remember that, Arnie?

We've talked about it many times.

I don't.

I kind of assumed that, and I've never met you guys.

Thank you, Goblin.

I thought you had said that it was you're just a blunt changeling.

Oh, yeah, that too.

But, you know, a lot of names in Fune are acronyms.

Even if they don't start as acronyms, they can become acronyms.

You sort of grow into your name, as it were.

Arnie, have you thought about coming up with an acronym for your name?

Or is it one?

Maybe everyone on Earth has acronym names.

I don't know.

I can't tell you the secret of acronym.

Oh, come on, Arnie.

Let's do some experiments.

You know, have some fun.

What does your name stand for?

Everyone furrowed their brow when I said that.

Well, don't be a Miss Frisbee or Mrs.

Frisbee.

Just tell us the acronym.

And we all know, we all know that, you know, withholding rat lady, Mrs.

Frisbee.

Oh, yeah.

The thing that bothered me about her was

how she was sort of flat and round and you could throw her around.

Quite the catch, though.

Quite the catch.

The ultimate catch, I would say.

Well, why don't we take a quick break?

We can kind of brainstorm on what Arnie could stand for and, of course, get some more info out of Goblin.

Goblin, we've been so rude.

Can I grab you a drink?

Or do you just store that inside you?

Oh, yeah, I'm full of so many liquids.

You know what I mean?

But yeah,

I take whatever drink you got.

You can just pour it in.

Just make my insides all goopy and wet.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

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Okay, let me pass out some ales here.

And oh, goblin I got you a raspberry mead.

Let me just pour that inside

Yeah, just put your whole hand in there

Push past the entire cart and horse that's inside of me if you could just get down to what I would consider a stomach, which is just a big bucket I swallowed for a wizard back in the day.

Oh, what wizard?

What?

Which wizard?

Witch wizard.

Witch wizard?

No, it was a wizard, not a witch.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, then what wizard?

Oh, yeah.

His name was what?

Oh, W-U-T.

W-H-A-T, yeah.

What?

W-U-T was his mentor.

Hmm.

And he was the white wizard, right?

Yeah.

Yes, that's correct.

It was Watt, then Watt, then Telephys.

Who I defeated him.

Wizardly battle.

Okay, it's not a contest.

It actually was.

It was a contest.

Yeah, he lost the contest, and I think he had to throw all of his stuff away, and that's how I got the bucket.

Ooh.

Goblin, so sorry, give us one second here.

Yeah.

That was a weird noise.

Did you hear that?

It was like a haha.

I feel like this guy should never run for office again.

I don't know if he was running for office, but his career should be ruined.

You would think.

You sir, Arnie.

How do you guys feel about asking to go?

I know this is coming from me, and I'm so sorry.

And just consider it.

How do you feel about asking to go inside Goblin?

I mean, it sounds like there's a whole horse and cotton there, so we could all fit.

Yeah, yeah.

Chunt, just take it easy.

It seems like the opening's pretty tight for us all to get in there.

Just relax.

But I could resize us, I suppose, to get in and out if necessary.

Arnie, what do you think?

Look, people can decide to go into a bag of holding whenever they want, you know, as long as it's consensual.

But I just don't know if that's something you do after the first break, or is that something you do after the second break when you've gotten to know each other a little bit more?

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, that makes sense.

Fuck it.

Let's ask.

Hey, goblin.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I didn't mean I was drinking all your meat.

Oh,

well, I'm glad to see that you can drink without assistance, as Chunk was helping you before.

Would it be possible for us to just kind of poke around in there, get inside, see what's going on?

Wow, ask him to go inside after the first break alone.

Okay, sorry, just excuse us for one moment.

Shit.

I think that was too soon.

No one listens to me.

You're right, Arnie.

We should ask again.

Goblin,

oh, wow, you're really,

really dying.

Your drawstring sort of acts like a hand, huh?

Yeah, it just kind of forms into whatever I want.

I was just practicing drinking, though.

Um, well, maybe, uh, maybe another time we could uh poke around inside.

The moment passed, I think.

You guys backing off?

Are you not, you know, not feeling confident?

How about this,

which is maybe almost as good.

Goblin, could you pull something out of yourself and show

us some that's in you?

Wow.

Wow.

What is that?

Buddy, okay.

Okay.

Let's just order a pizza and watch a play.

Jesus.

You know, where I come from, which is generally where at least two of you come from, I believe, that's actually pretty offensive, what you just asked.

It's more tame to just crawl inside of my body.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But I can pull out a thing.

You know, if you want to pull out a thing, you want to go to home base already.

We could skip first, second, and third.

Talking about our favorite sport,

Blaze Ball.

Mittens, maybe?

No.

Mittens?

Is that what you said?

Oh, yes, famous sport, Heron Foon.

Very popular.

I see you're not a Sporto.

No.

I swallowed a Sporto.

What sport were you talking about, Goblin?

I was talking about Blaze Ball.

Blaze Ball.

That must be like a bag game.

Yeah, it's pretty much a bag game.

You know, one bag pitches a fireball that's inside of it.

The other bag has to whack it with its bag butt.

And then you run around the blazes, which are different, just eternal flames in a generally generally strange void that nobody can go to.

So it doesn't have a lot of fans.

Sounds like a painful game.

It's awful.

It really hurts.

It's why I'm not much of a sport guy.

Have you thought about finding a new place to play that isn't a place that nobody can go to?

That's a really good recommendation.

Yeah, I would look for like a, I don't know, a park.

Ooh, yeah.

Or a

field.

Yeah, yeah, a field would be good.

Yeah, a void that no one can go to.

I mean, that's going to hurt your attendance.

Yeah, we've been trying to wrestle up attendants, and, you know, it's just hard when, like, nobody, there's no sound, there's no visibility, there's no color, there's no feelings.

Hey, we've all been in voids.

I didn't mean to talk down to you.

Except Arnie.

I assume Arnie doesn't know what a void is.

I mean, I know.

I avoid the noid.

Something like that?

Close enough.

Fix that in editing.

We do edit the podcast, right, Arnie?

Do we?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, Goblin, if you don't mind...

Well, actually, you can pull something out of you, or this is a great opportunity.

Why don't we go to the basement and we can show you some of the stuff we have?

Not that it's a contest.

Yeah, your business opportunity.

You said you might be able to store some things for us.

That might be very beneficial.

Yeah, happy to store things for you.

And by the way, I didn't mean to stop you.

You can reach into my body and pull anything out.

You get one present at the end of this podcast.

Oh.

I'm so excited.

Now I'm the one that needs the book.

There you go.

Thank you, John.

Well, I have to say,

is there some sort of reciprocal thing you expect to gain in terms of this business proposition?

If you're storing some of our stuff, are we feeding you?

Are we paying you?

What's sort of the other part of that transaction?

Well, I have no use for money, obviously.

I'm a bag.

I got enough coin to last me an eternity, but

I am looking for ways to get the word out about Blaze Ball.

Ball.

So if you could just do some light promotion for me every now and then, just kind of talk about the Blaze Ball games in the void.

If you could send people to the void where we do the games, you know, I'm happy to store any of the treasure you want.

And as I said, give you a random object inside of my body.

You're allowed to feel what it is, but not see it before you take it.

This sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

The one drawback might be sending people into a void where they can't see and hear or enjoy the game, even though they're present at

I mean, if they don't have the power to release themselves from the void, then yes, they are stuck forever, but

you know, I don't want to assume people don't have that power.

Yeah, there's no way to know unless you go, right?

Exactly.

No way to know unless you go.

But even if you go, do you know?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow.

It's sort of like, can you fly?

Well, you don't know until you jump off a building, Arnie.

I think everyone that goes to see the sport dies.

That's my theory.

It's a cool theory, but until you go, you won't know if you die.

Well, here, do you mind if I carry you to the basement, or would you like to make it there on your own?

No, please, please, cradle me.

Oh, here you are.

Why are you holding that bag like a baby, though?

Uh,

because I want to support its neck.

This is classic uncle behavior.

I'm just gonna say, you know, uh fair.

All right, you got me.

Uncle Yusador.

Ah, here we are.

Uh, just follow me.

Here we go.

Just lift up this door, and here we go down.

Oh, it's a bit musty down here, but that's classic basement, right?

Classic basement.

Classic basement.

We should do more comedy like that on this podcast, aren't you?

Someday.

Now,

here's a horde of magical objects that we got recently from two

How do I want to say this?

Two car drivers.

What did you say, Chunt?

Oh, I said two goofs.

Yeah, I was going to say idiots.

So I think that's.

Yeah, two imbeciles left these things.

And

please,

what do you think you would be able to hold for us?

I mean,

there's a lot of stuff down here.

There's a lot of stuff here.

Practically filling the entire basement.

We're still sort of sorting through it and categorizing it all.

I see a bad painting.

That's the first thing I see.

Oh, yeah.

It is a bad painting,

but even more literally than you may think.

It's not just a thing that's been painted poorly.

It is a bad painting.

The gentleman on that painting has committed three murders.

He has angry eyes.

He has the little kind of downward, angry eyebrows.

I could tell.

He's got murderous eyes.

But as long as he has this painting in his house, he can't go to jail.

Oh.

The painting becomes more and more incarcerated, but he is free.

Huh, sort of a gray area of justice?

Yeah.

It's adorable.

I'm getting the picture of it.

Portrait of it?

Yeah, you know, I'm getting it.

Something, you know, something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're good.

So you think you could store something like that?

Something with some sort of, you know, mystical property that's linked to the outside world, or would that cause some sort of issue?

Oh, no, it wouldn't cause an issue at all.

I mean, again, I am endless, so you just got to put your thumb and forefinger inside of my mouth hole, sort of stretch me open, and kind of slide me in.

Or slide it in to be.

Excuse me one second.

John, you'll be all right.

Yeah, I was just sort of floating in the air while my face turned bright red and steam shot out of my ears.

I noticed.

Yeah, sorry, I just need a second to calm down here.

Splash some gold water on my face.

Come on, I have a question for you.

I'm sorry, I don't know if it's okay for me to dive into the order of operations on how a bag of holding works exactly, but if there's so much stuff in you, does it ever get like lost?

Like, is the retrieval difficult?

Yeah, I'm going to be honest.

Uh, I have my own system, I know where everything kind of is, but it might take me hours, days, years,

millennia

in order to, to, to get what you need.

So it's not going to be a quick refin.

You know, I you can throw something in me pretty quickly, but uh, if you need it back fast, it's I got to have some time to search through the pot.

If we need it back quickly, we should probably just pop in there ourselves.

Yeah.

And just, you know, root around.

Yeah, root around.

And you might be lost for what some would call forever, an entire lifetime.

But, you know,

again,

it's a liability that you're willing to take.

You can jump on it.

This is a question.

I don't know if this is rude or not.

Do

you're...

kind, you know, bags of holding, do you ever think like, hey, what if we're all just inside a bigger bag of holding?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Like, this existence, what if this existence is just inside a tiny bag of holding that's inside a bigger bag of holding, and that's inside a bigger bag of holding, and that's inside, and bags all the way up.

Yeah, that's wild.

You're blowing the mind of a human that was dropped inside.

Not a human.

You're blowing the mind of a creature that was dropped in here by some freaky doctor, okay?

You used to be a creature.

Are you talking?

Are you speaking to yourself or someone that you're in the bag?

I think I was pretty absolutely unclear.

In my mind, a wacky surgeon was doing experiments, pulled out the brain of a creature, threw it inside of me, and I was just using the phrase, you're blowing my mind, but with what I have a relevant image of.

I see, I see.

It was very helpful when you meet new people.

You really try to be clear and communicative.

And I feel like, you know,

it was immediately clear.

It is wild how you sometimes think a thing and you think it makes sense, and you're just sort of like, hold on, I've been thinking about this creature brain in me for all this time, and then you say it out loud and you're like, that, wait, no, that doesn't make sense.

Just like these last couple sentences I've been saying.

I mean, you just made a world more sense, the creature brain.

I appreciate you.

Oh, and here's probably,

I guess I'll speak for the group.

Here's probably our most treasured item, which is a newly potted family tree.

Oh, wow.

Chant.

Wow.

Couldn't put that in a bag that we couldn't retrieve at a moment's notice.

That

are you sure?

Oh, no, I was just pointing it out.

You know, it stays in the basement.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, so you don't get that one.

Sorry.

Oh, no, no, that's fine.

You know, you're gonna just give me the garbage.

No, it's not garbage.

I wouldn't say garbage.

There's like enchanted swords and there's uh let's see what else is here.

What else?

What else?

What else?

Is there certain things that feel better inside you thank you?

Ooh, a one.

Oh.

Yep, caught that one.

Hope you don't mind.

Oh, that's okay.

That's fine.

Oh, but I'm sorry, Goblin.

Chunt has a very good question, and I'd just like to point that out, Chunt, to you.

Good question.

Wow, thank you.

Are there certain objects that feel better to eat

or feel worse?

That's a great question, Arnie.

I'm assuming it came directly from you and not Chunt, right?

And

I would say usually the less painful the shape of the item, the better it is inside of my body.

So what you might find traditionally painful, like blades, you know, swords, pointy things.

Maybe if you're just dropping a bonfire in there, it hurts.

It really hurts.

But I've learned to weather the storm.

Yeah, blades are painful to us.

Arnie, you said on Earth Blade 3 was the most painful.

Yes, but Blade 2, underrated.

Huh.

And sorry, my friend Arnie had a question.

Oh,

do the objects do anything to each other?

Like, you drive a bonfire in there, are you going to burn up all the other objects?

Yeah, if they touch something that's wood, if they, you know, if an object touches wood inside of my hole, then it's...

Here.

How not to be horny, volume two.

Here's a pretty good one you might want to store.

It's a mirrored shield.

I've been...

I've been examining this one for all its mystical properties, and I can't seem to find any,

but it did inspire me to write a musical about a man who races at windmills and then has to confront the hubris of his own

ridiculous nature.

Alright, yeah, throw it in there,

my man of,

you know, is I just got my man of La Mancha.

There you go.

Sorry, I sometimes make up words at the end of things because I'm sure, you know, you guys know mancha, right?

Like I like to like the manchan stuff.

I like the goblins.

Oh, I thought perhaps you were, you know, a lot of different creatures and beings all over whom give me a different name, and I thought maybe the bags of holding know me as the man of La Mancha, which, you know, I wouldn't be upset about.

Yeah, Crunch and Monch.

Crunch and Munch, yeah.

We could call you Uncle Crunch and Munch.

I love it.

I love it.

The cousins know him as Uncle Crunch and Munch.

On that high note, let us take a break.

Oh, sorry, Isidor, Uncle Crunch and Munch.

Yes.

Could you do it in a high note, what you just said?

On that high note, let us take a break.

I'd call him Uncle Doubtfire.

So, Goblin, I feel like we've been down here in the basin with you for a while.

Oh, yeah.

Like,

how did you get into being a beg a holding?

Were you born?

Were you made?

That's a great question.

You know, in all my years of hopping around holding people's stuff, nobody has ever asked old goblin, hey, how'd you become a talking bag of holding that swallows other people's stuff?

I was brought to life

by an old wizard.

And she was a sweet old lady who took care of me.

She first brought me to life because she wanted a companion after her husband died.

And so

the sweet old lady kept her dead companion's things in me.

She wanted it safe and protected.

But this old lady over the years collected many more things.

Many bodies started to stack up.

She became bitter and angry.

She missed her husband and it turned her heart ice cold.

She started murdering people and hiding everything inside of me.

I've got secrets that I can't share with anybody.

And what started like a heartwarming story ended up being

an implicated existence.

I had to escape from her one day, and so I hopped out the window, tumbled down the trellis,

and hit my fucking face on a rock.

Oh.

You know what you would call a face.

And I hopped off, but I've been on the run.

And I've been trying to bury her secrets and my shame with other people's things for years.

Oh, you run?

I run up?

You said you've been on the run?

Oh, I've been on the run.

I've been on the hop, I guess.

I hop.

Yeah.

It's great now.

I'm hungry.

Yeah.

Here.

How not to be hungry.

So now you said it started as a heartwarming story, but to be clear, the very first thing that happened is she shoved a dead wizard or dead husband into you.

Yeah, heartwarming.

Aww.

That's true love.

Okay.

So there's a base level of dead bodies at the bottom of all the things.

Yes, there's dead bodies on the bottom layered with kind of junk and trinkets,

more dead bodies,

some old, you know, raisins.

There's a raisin layer?

Ew.

Our stuff won't touch the raisins, right?

Eww, eww, ew, ew.

Yeah, don't jumble me up.

Here's a question.

Do you have any preservation magic?

What is...

Are those bodies in a state of decomposition or are they kind of like frozen in time once they enter your domain?

You know, I'm afraid to say that I

don't preserve anything down there.

They kind of do the classic decomposition thing, so there's a lot of,

I guess, flesh goo, you know,

buttons.

Whatnot.

Yeah, exactly.

Classic decomposition.

Just like

classic.

Oh, Uncle Usasor.

I thought Classic Basement was your favorite joke.

I

sorry, I pulled an Arnie.

I wasn't listening.

But it feels good, doesn't it?

No.

Hmm.

No, I'm quite embarrassed to be caught in that moment.

Please, no, you know, I mean, you know,

we want to give you another shot at your favorite joke.

Uh, you know, it's a classic basement joke.

I actually did swallow a performance stage from a tavern down there if you want to, you know, put up a night of comedy or something.

Oh,

Arnie, what do you think?

I don't know.

I feel like we've...

I've spent so much time avoiding all of the shows that are supposedly going on in the various taverns we've been in.

But this one would be in a bag of holding.

You could do all the experimenting you want.

It's will be all held in the bag.

Yeah, Arnie, you said you've been dabbling in something you called anti-comedy?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Now, if ever there was an invitation to get into this bag, it was to get on stage and do some comedy.

Come on, Arnie, let's go.

Yeah, Arnie, do a nice loose five.

Jump inside me.

Oh, God, this is so gross in here.

Oh, it's like a corpse parfait.

It's like just stuff,

raisins, bodies, bones, raisins, stuff,

bodies.

And an experimental comedy stage.

Oh, hey, and also your voice is a little different from the inside.

Yeah, sorry.

I feel like I'm just covered in slime.

Yeah, it's the perfect opportunity for you to do comedy, right?

I guess so.

All right, Ani, get on the stage.

I've got a handful of raisins, and I'm ready.

Oh, wait, guys.

And you throw a raisin when a joke is good, right?

Right, right, exactly.

Or are you going to eat them?

Both, whatever, you know, I, you know, if I get hungry.

Oh, wait, guys, guys, let's not be rude.

It looks like, whoa, it looks like somebody's on stage right now.

Let's be a polite audience.

So, anybody here ever, I don't know, I've been inside a bag.

Hey, I am.

That's what I am right now.

Anyone here been inside a bag for 200 years?

It looks like I'm getting the light.

That's a reason.

Let me end with my favorite joke.

This one always kills.

Classic basement.

That was good.

I feel like I've heard that joke before, but maybe it's just parallel thinking.

Looks like somebody else is in the wings here, about to go on stage.

Arnie, you're on.

Oh, shit.

Here, Chuck, have some raisins.

So,

does anybody here notice that this place is fucking gross as hell?

Ow!

Fuck, it's staying.

Why were my two friends throwing raisins at me?

Got his ass.

How's it going in there?

You're not making jokes about me where you're insulting my innards that I let you inside, right?

No, but I am having an aggressive interaction with the audience.

And if we were filming this, it could go straight on TikTok and it would be great.

Could be the Matt Rifle Foon or something.

Does that name mean anything?

Ouch!

Artie, you're saying riff wrong.

Start to riff.

Riff.

Crowd work.

Crowd work.

Oh,

so

what is everybody here covered in?

More relatable.

Be more relatable.

Hey, is anybody here named Uncle?

Oh, I am.

Oh, me.

Ooh, ooh.

Anyone here suck?

Yeah, I knew I knew.

Ooh, ooh, and fuck.

fuck.

Wow, my people.

You were right to crawl inside my body.

We got the anti-comedy going strong up there.

I gotta be honest.

I'm not trying to do anti-comedy.

I'm trying to do sincere comedy up here.

Oh.

Okay.

All right.

Well, then talk about, like, I don't know, your car back on Earth or your job or something.

I don't know.

Yeah, or Arnie, there's like 10,000 items here.

Maybe do some, I don't know, prop comedy.

Hmm.

Okay, well, uh, we have like a thousand fucking candlesticks.

Yeah, they were used to burn that corpse.

Look at this white stick.

This white stick with a bunch of little floppy things.

Oh, nope, that's an on.

That's an arm.

Guys, looks so gross in here.

Whoa, he's right.

And observational.

Arms are just white sticks.

I mean, if you're white, I guess.

I don't know.

Boo.

Are you booing yourself?

Now that's anti-comedy.

Booing your own joke.

I like it.

I think I just got myself to a place I didn't want to be in.

Well, it was an accident.

We all watched it happen.

You know, it wasn't starting in a place that you expected it to go.

And I was imagining a bone, if I'm being honest, which is white.

Yeah, same.

But when it came out, I just was like, oh, this should be edited out.

But of course, we don't edit the podcast.

It's good to know, though.

It's a good strategy.

If you're ever in a comedy club and you, just mid-conversation, don't like what you're saying, you should boo yourself.

Right.

And you should invite your uncle.

I thought it was great.

Yeah.

Well, we got the anti-comedy.

What about the uncle comedy?

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Crunch and munch.

Crunch and munch.

Cronch and munch.

Wait, does that mean Audi's going to tell jokes about me or I'm telling jokes?

No, I thought that means it's your turn on stuff.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Okay.

So I just...

I just flew all the way here.

And boy, are my arms on fire because I was shooting fire out of them to propel myself forward through the air.

Yeah, it checks out he's a wizard.

Yeah.

I love that one.

Well, the bag liked it.

Well, you loved placebo, also.

Any of you all have a cauldron?

Yeah.

Anyone got a cauldron?

Seen a cauldron lately?

Have you seen these new cauldrons they've got?

They're self-brewing cauldrons.

Okay.

Like, I don't need a self-brewing cauldron.

That's.

that's that's for that's crazy town some of these self-brewing cauldrons they brew up something like a potion but uh when you drink it all that happens is uh

you're uh you get smaller but only by an inch

okay andy room

artie he is drenched in sweat should we do something no at first i thought that was slime, but that's sweat mixing with the slime that's all on him.

So any of you ever

conjure a bat?

Conjure a what?

A bat, a bat.

Anyone ever conjure a bat?

No, you look unwell.

Everyone is shaking their head now so aggressively.

Sometimes when you conjure a bat, it's just...

It ends up being a rat, and you're like, ah, I messed up again.

Oh, no.

I know what it's like when something dies inside of me.

He's dying up there.

You guys gotta help.

I got it.

I got it.

Arnie, Arnie, here.

Would you grab that candle on the ground there and hold it up?

And Caleb looked in common.

He's a hand.

It's a hand done.

It's on fire.

Anyone know the king of the northeast?

I think he might sound a little something like this.

No, he's giving you the light before you go into what was probably a problematic joke.

Are you gonna

join my evil new plans?

That's my best king of the northeast.

Is there any here know know Jamie and Samie?

Uh

they might sound a little something like this.

Hi, I'm Jamie and hi, I'm Samie and we like to kiss

Okay, I'm coming around on this.

Yeah, this honestly, I feel like you needed to reach a low to get to a new high, you know, like just kind of work it out.

Uh, has anyone ever uh

ever started a podcast with a human from another world?

Woo!

That's my cousin.

I hear you.

I hear you.

Uh, they might They might sound a little something like this.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Got your ass.

Podcast from the...

Podcast from the Magical World of Phone.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Sounds kind of old-timey to me, in some capacity, you know, and I've seen a lot of old times.

Yeah, it sounds like you work on cars and have a huge chin, Arnie.

Wear blue jeans, tops, and bottoms.

Yeah, I have an immediate similar image, and I don't know where it came from, but it was conjured there.

Yeah,

right?

I'm from the world of Earth, and yeah, have you guys seen what's in the newspaper lately?

No, we don't read the newspaper.

I don't know what that is.

I've never felt worse about myself.

Oh, goblin, goblin, why don't you hop on stage and tell some jokes?

Oh, what, me?

Hop on my own stage?

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on, let me form myself out of some of the raisins and flesh goop.

Oh,

God.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, goddesses.

Can I get a suggestion of a of a of a location?

Oh, no, guys, he's gonna do it too.

Yeah, people people love improv, right?

Kitchen.

Okay,

okay, kitchen, thank you.

Dildo kitchen.

Oh, okay, I already heard kitchen, and I'm thrilled to use dildo.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You know,

check this one out.

This may look like a normal mixing bowl, but instead of a spoon, I'm using a dildo.

Guys, that was my suggestion.

Guys, that was my suggestion.

That was my suggestion, guys.

Yeah, that was my suggestion.

All right, thank you.

That's a show.

Honey, get up there.

They love it when you just get up there.

Wait, I was already up there.

You forgot I was already up there.

Join the improv set.

Do you want to see a little more?

Let's get up on stage.

I need somebody to help me for this scene.

Come on.

All right.

Can I get a suggestion of what might be in, I don't know, a big dog garage?

Speciala dildo.

Special.

I heard special a dildo.

Special a dildo.

I don't know.

It's like a special edition dildo.

Yeah, speciala.

That's short for, you know, special edition.

Spatula.

Was it special a dildo?

Look, I've spent some amount of time in the improv world in Chicago.

I have never seen the people on stage so confounded by a thing yelled from the audience before.

Wait, what is improv world?

Tell me about improv world.

Oh, gosh, you don't want to know.

You don't want to know.

I don't want to talk about improv stuff.

I bet it's worthwhile, right?

I bet it makes you a lot of money, right?

No, no, no.

Isidore, is this the scene?

Yeah, I think this is, I think we're watching it right now.

It's very what they on referred to as meta.

Oh, they didn't really use my suggestion.

Oh, I guess they talked about it.

Yeah, they talked about it.

Oh, hey, hey, extra, extra.

Read all about it.

Special a dildo right here.

Oh, it's here.

You just have to wait till that third beat.

It all comes back around.

Yeah, you know, life's a dildo, as they say.

Yes.

Look, guys, I gotta get out of this.

Can we get out of this bag?

What you're not having fun doing a two-person impromptu improv show after a couple of weird sets of stand-up inside of a bag full of raisins and dead stuff.

Shouldn't we drink some whiskey and slap each other now?

It sounds.

I mean, probably.

All right, you want me to spit you out?

Yeah.

Not enough?

Oh, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, covered in raisins.

Yes, here, let me eat those.

This basement's gonna smell terrible for years.

Yeah, I'm sorry, it will.

I didn't mean to get it all over your loot, too.

I think if you're interested in sticking around for a while and hanging out here in the basement,

sort of holding all of our loot, then we'd love to hire you.

Like I said, there's a bunch of candlesticks, mirror shield, a bunch of stuff we haven't categorized yet.

We need to go through and kind of, you know, but through the week, I can come down and I've been tagging stuff and figuring out if it's magical or not.

And,

you know, just sort of that sort of thing.

Are you interested in that deal stills?

It still appeal to you?

Yeah, the deal appeals.

You know what I mean?

As long as you're willing to, you know,

advertise Blaze Ball in a Void, I believe

that was kind of our deal.

So, you know, just kind of slip it in there organically whenever you get a chance.

I'm happy to mention Blaze Ball in a Void whenever I get an opportunity, and I will send some people to the Void, some guests potentially, or the Tavernistas, and

see if they get back or not.

That sounds great.

This

sounds like a real good deal.

Just to be clear, though, is it okay if some of these ads for Blaze Ball are on the Patreon or behind the paywall and not on the main feed?

Well, I mean, I was hoping to really cast a wide net, you know?

I mean,

it's a healthy amount of people listening on the Patreon.

All right, yeah, why don't we try it out?

See how it goes with just the Patreon?

Yeah, maybe if you're willing to do a tier where you, you know, you can offer a one full Blaze Ball advertisement, one hour advertisement of Blaze Ball once a week.

Done.

We run.

Done.

It's a deal.

The deal appeal, you know?

Arnie, one hour a week, that's nothing.

Oh, and actually, Goblin, we can go ahead and get you your first spectator for the next game.

Isn't that right, talking belt?

Yeah, I didn't...

I didn't want to say anything earlier because the bidet was talking.

Oh, right.

Oh, shit.

We don't need like a third talking item on this show everyone forgets the bidet

now again I see that the belt is talking but Arnie was that you just kind of doing some venture okay just the bidet why didn't you do that in your set

shit that was crushed that would have been good yeah if it wasn't so gross in there I'd fucking go back what I think the smell inspires Arnie and Barney get a little puppet you know I think that'd be fun are you considering it I'm thinking about I really would like you to I think you guys all kind of killed down inside of me.

Oh, stop.

You did.

No, flop sweat all over the place.

I was dying down there.

Oh, Arnie, next time we do that, which I assume will be sometime soon, maybe I draw like two little lines down the front of my mouth so it looks like I'm a puppet, and then I sit on your lap and you sort of act like you drink a glass of mead while I like scream or something.

Okay, sounds a little too erotic.

Yeah, it's supposed to be.

It's meant to be.

Okay.

Could you take turns screaming and drinking the water?

Yeah, and then I'll drink some mead, and then Arnie screams, and

so forth, and so on.

Can I see that book?

Oh, uh, well, actually, um, I still need it.

Uh, what don't let me just rip it in half here, and then you can thank you.

Oh, uh, let me hold this exactly 4.6 inches away.

Okay, the perfect reading length.

Huh.

So that's the perfect reading length, eh?

Huh.

I guess I got something out of all of this, too, in addition to the loot, of course.

Oh, what's that?

Well, I learned the perfect reading length 4.6 inches away.

That's right.

That's right.

Don't let anyone tell you different.

Do you guys want your present?

I feel like we've had such an adventure.

I mean, each of you should get a present.

I forgot.

I almost forgot about Chekhov's present this whole time.

Oh, yeah.

It's a smoking present.

All right.

Who wants to reach inside of me first?

I'll go first, if that's all right.

Ooh, a tangerine.

Yeah.

Pretty rotted, but you got a tangerine.

Oh, I can I can fix it up, don't worry.

Oh, let me uh, let me go next here.

All right, let's see.

Okay,

come on, man.

It's an arm covered in raisins.

Can I draw again?

You can draw again.

A lot of them are gonna be arms covered in raisins, honestly.

Let me mostly arms covered in raisins.

Feel around for a book.

Oh, oh, I got something.

Oh, it's a little book.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Look at this, guys.

It's a coupon book.

Good for one free horny massage.

Love chunt.

Huh.

This looks familiar.

Yeah, I grabbed it from downstairs, but now you got it, so you can give out horny massages.

I mean, I just want you to be confidently horny.

I feel like we've been saying how not to be horny, and it feels like we're being horny negative, not horny positive on the pot.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

The power of horny.

Now.

Speaking of positively, horny, Ani, reach into the bag.

Okay.

Reach in.

Come on.

Plunge your hand inside of me.

I think this feels like a special abildo.

Oh, yeah, that, yeah.

User, that was my suggestion.

They're using it.

Yeah, you finally used it.

X greet.

It's having trouble pulling it out, though.

It just keeps

not just pull, pull.

Come on, Arnie.

Let me, here, let me get behind you and pull.

User, grab onto me.

Yep, yep.

Let's go.

Yep.

This feels like a gross prank.

No, it's some guy.

This is a guy who goes by the name Kevin Eubanks and.

Oh,

the wizard's husband.

The wizard who turned into a murderer and the reason that I'm alive, their husband, who, when it was a very happy, normal story and their husband died, their husband's name was Kevin Eubanks.

And I don't know, something about your vibe made me think you could use Kevin Eubanks' body.

Wow.

Arnie, you should be considered quite blessed for being so intricately tied to Goblin's origin story.

I think this is a great honor, and you should treat it accordingly.

One last question.

We're almost out of time.

Don't say one last question and then play like a fun bass riff.

What was that?

Like a boom.

And then you gave an easy laugh.

What was that?

Sorry, go ahead.

This wizard woman...

She could be a wizard.

You don't need to just gender her afterwards.

She's just a wizard.

This wizard buried her dead husband inside of you,

presumably so no one else would find him or know about it.

Yeah.

Is there any bad consequences to us unearthing this body here in our tavern?

You want me to lie about it, or do you want me to tell you the truth?

Hmm.

I'd vote lie.

Yeah, lie.

I'd say truth.

All right.

Uh, well, nothing bad's gonna happen.

The wizard hasn't been hunting for me and would not be furious if the dead body was exhumed out of me.

And uh, hey, chunt over here.

Hmm?

You guys are fucked.

Ooh, but which one's the truth and which one's the lie?

Sorry, one moment.

Just taking some notes on my ongoing elasticity of time research.

Look into why that stand-up in the void segment seemed to last 500,000 million years.

P.S.

If irritated boredom can be harnessed as an energy source, I may have just saved Earth's climate.

There, all done.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Goblin the Swallower was played by special guest Justin Michael.

Justin is a writer on Infinity Train and the Among Us animated series.

Check out his improv podcast, Nature Talks to Itself, and his TV podcast, Batman the Animated Podcast.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

And I'm going to take a break from mentioning our Patreon supporters by name because, and please don't sexualize this.

My pretty little mouth is exhausted.

Patrons, nameless as they are, get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month, including another new episode of Shadow City later this week.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Oh, I almost forgot.

We're taking two weeks off for the holidays.

Now we all have something to celebrate.

But actually, next week, instead of a regular episode, we'll post our annual winter solstice bonus scene.

And the week after that, we'll unlock a Patreon episode and throw it onto the main feed, like an unclaimed cake being tossed into an alley.

I will accept no further questions at this time.

Farewell, until next week.

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Music, movies, even socks.

I swear of it.

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Oh, that's annoying.

At least with the new blue apron, there's no subscription needed.

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Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.