Season 5, Ep 36 - Cyclops (w/ Charles "Chuck" Bryant from Stuff You Should Know)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But good news. Oh, no, wait, we still have the transmission to get through.
So, news.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is returning to the San Francisco Sketch Fest for a live show on Sunday, January 19th at Club Fugazi. Tickets available now.
There's even a link in the show notes.

But if you find yourself most comfortable with the version of the show, with zero chance of encountering the hosts in a lobby afterwards, well, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast for the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, Cuz.
Hey, Cuz, how you doing? Pretty good.

How's the fam? Um, don't know. I mean, they're back on Earth.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Yeah. Sorry.
I was just trying to get into the whole cousin thing. Oh, yeah, we're cousin.
We're fam. Yeah, Yes.

Sorry about that. Wait, wait, wait, huh? What?

How am I?

You're cousins now? We're cousins now. Yeah.
We've been cousins since before you were gone as well. I forgot all about it.

I was

overwhelmed, trying to save a tree.

You might say you were overwhelmed.

Very good, Chunt. Very good.
No.

I spent hours and days just staring at this tree to make sure it stayed alive. Hmm.

Is that because of the old expression, a watched tree never dies? Exactly. Yes.
And I thought to myself, I was just walking down the street and I thought, oh shit, what if this tree dies?

So I just started staring at it intently.

So long.

He was on shrooms. Yeah, it sounds like

a fire that I feared would burn through the tree. Here's a good way to get him out of this loop.
Yusidor, why don't you introduce yourself?

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Traucas.

The elves know me as Fiang Elek, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the northeast as Casmanius Maystar.

And yea,

lo,

the trees may fear my intense stare. They also feel great warmth and safety knowing that Usidor is there for them.

Two things. One, Arnie, a watched tree never dies.
Phenomenal. I love that.
That should be a t-shirt, perhaps, at some point. Oh, well, okay.
Well, that's a good, that's a good point.

Oh, but who should say it? I said it. Yeah.
So is it a me shirt? But also, does anybody buy the shirts with my picture on it?

I don't know. Seems unlikely.
I think so. I think absolutely.
All right. So, a watched tree never dies.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's a new shirt in our T-Public merch shop.

Unless we fuck up and forget to update it. I love it, cuz.
And you know what? Usidor's new shirt says, I love it, cuz.

Is it all right if I hone in on this cuz action?

That's a good question. Maybe I can.
Because we did establish that you're an uncle. You're not a cousin.
You're an uncle. Oh, that feels right.
But like a fun uncle. Like a funkle.
Like a funkle.

Yeah. Okay, Usidor is not getting a new shirt this week.
Oh.

Better luck next time. Number two, I was going to say, I made us some sticky wicks because it's that time of year.
The snow is falling. The season's greetings are upon us.

So everyone take a sticky wick.

Oh, thank you. Oh, this is a sticky wicket.
Yeah, well, no, a sticky wick, Arnie. So it's sort of a holiday candy.

You know, some people eat it for like Christmas or, well, whatever holiday you celebrate around this time. Gunderstein.
Gunderstein. Pollard days.

Yeah. But it's basically a peppermint stick dipped in caramel and then frozen.
Oh, seems like. Sticky wick.
Yeah. Seems like it would destroy your teeth.

Yeah, you're supposed to suck on it for up to 90 hours. Yeah, suck on a knee camp.
That's a t-shirt. And then every time.
No,

Usidor does not get a new shirt this week. Okay.
Chunt and Usidor facing each other, both saying, suck at knee camp.

And then, and then, and there's still a picture of Arnie, and he's, he's, um, he's not saying anything. Look,

coming back from that. I don't paint the design, just the text.
All right, fine.

Officially, usidor's shirt now says suck at knee camp woo don't love that that's going out into the world oh and also as sort of a um you might notice there's an extra sticky wick on the table here that's because i invited um someone that i am quite fond of and that is a cyclops we've never had one on before i don't think so no guys please be cool and don't just stare in his one eye please this is brock the cyclops hello everybody uh hold on I have something stuck in my eye.

Oh, thank you.

That was like a whole stick or something. Do you guys have an eye wash? Do we have an eyewash? I have an eyewash spell.

I would take that right now, please.

Oh, my God. That's incredible.
Wow.

Can I suggest maybe that eyewash spell should be briefer? Like, if someone needs an eyewash spell, they probably need it urgently. That's the short version.
That's the short version.

Yes, there's a long form version. If you specifically want to, like, you know, kind of scrub the cornea, you know, polish the iris, you know, you can get real specific about washing your eye.

Polish the iris. Use it on.
You already have a new shirt this week. Yeah.

Pump the brakes, buddy.

Brock, thank you so much for coming on.

Brock, like I mentioned, this is a podcast, so it's sort of like a magical net that captures your voice and then sort of shoots it somewhere else, I guess. I know all about that stuff.
Oh, good.

You do? Sure. So you'd say that's stuff that you know.
Well, I mean, I don't know how much you know about my backstory, guys, but I was cursed to roam foon

and spread my knowledge with everyone that I encounter. And I've encountered you guys, and

I've heard of, I know what this podcast is that you talk about. I know all about it.
That's quite an incredible backstory.

You know what, I, Arnie Chunt, real quick. I wish more guests just came on and been like,

here's my backstory.

Me, dude, it's so much more useful. It's a really good place to start.
It's my job, guys. I'm here to convey my knowledge.
And what, you know, when you meet somebody, what are you going to say?

You're going to tell them your knowledge about you. Well, I have one follow-up question, Arnie Chunt.
I think you'll agree with me. I'll take it.
How were you cursed? Oh, yeah, I agree.

Well, it was a tribunal. I'm

frankly surprised you guys didn't follow that. But that's fine.
It was kind of a big deal. But whatever.
Sorry. That's okay.
I'm sure it was an important tribunal. We've been busy lately.

There's a Wizard War and everything, so we're maybe not up on all the tribunal news.

This was years ago. I've been wondering for a long time.
But it's fine. It's fine.
I think I heard about it on C-SPAN. RNA, C-SPAN is, there's a lot of seas in Foom, right? A lot of vast oceans.

And there's news that they will just sort of toss out into the water, and it just sort of encompasses all of the oceans. So all the fish know everything.
Yeah, the sea spans all of the news. Yeah.

So anyway, I was found guilty, of course, very quickly. It didn't take much time to make the decision from the judge.
And so here I am.

I was guilty of stealing people's thoughts and their knowledge in the middle of the night. I learned a spell.
I got a spell book. Not a big spell guy, but this one sounded kind of cool.

You can be like super smart and stuff.

So I did that, and I stole the knowledge of most people people in food oh brock so it's illegal to steal people's thoughts and knowledge in the middle of the night without consent yes oh okay that seems fair i'll be right back user where's that uh oh he'll be yeah i gotta say if i was you know uh he's probably off to save a tree i heard about that by the way yeah oh of course you know everything yeah well i don't like to say that out loud a lot so brock do you mind i want to just dig a little bit more into this stealing the thoughts business it sounds like what you said said was you would sneak into people's homes at night to steal their thoughts.

Like, so is that an important part of the process? Well, I mean, you can certainly do it during the day if someone's out just, you know, doing their thing.

It's a little harder because people are moving around and stuff because you got to get in through the ear. So if somebody's prone, it's easier.
Nap time, nap time is great.

Actually, nap time is better than at nighttime. Oh, really? Excuse me.

Excuse me,

excuse me. I need to get behind you.
I need to get to the fireplace and

burn burn this spell book

oh you burned your spell book yeah well just just the one uh i i never had it never had that spell book just the one that burned up okay oh and actually you sir while you're burning your spell book would you mind spelling my burn book um maybe cast a spell so no one can read my burn book just because i'm worried people will know what i wrote about them sure loxy daisy

i thought you were suggesting you wanted him to copy edit your burn book because your spelling is so bad put that in the burn book because

Arnie, you already have a t-shirt, buddy. I know, I do.
And this is the one drawback to the new t-shirt situation: we're all vying for shirts. That's true.
Oh, yeah.

So, Brock, you, since being cursed, wandered or you've been wandering around Foon. And

is it that you're just cursed to kind of know everything and tell everyone about everything, or that's just where your proclivities lie? Well,

boy, guys, it gets a little dicey. Technically, I was only sentenced to wander all of Foon endlessly, but I figured I've got all the know-how now.

Got the knowledge, stole all these people's knowledge. Like, I might as well share that around.
Otherwise, what's the point? So that's technically not part of the sentence.

It was just to roam foon, but I might as well, you know, give people a good thing, right? Sure. Can I ask, how do you decide what to share?

Do you just share anything and everything, or is it stuff people should know? Right, great question. You know, I kind of read the person.

I'm a people person. I have a great eye,

obviously, for who I'm speaking with. And I'm so sorry, Brock.
You have something in your eye again. Oh, Jesus.
I thought I was just. It's a bird.
I'll get it. Oh, Jesus.
Why way?

The hand job, guys, was a little bit better than the spell job. I hate to say that.
Can I get a t-shirt?

Oh,

we've never had a guest shirt. Let me think about it.
It is pretty good, though. The hand job is better than dot, dot, dot, turnaround,

the spell job. Oh, damn back.
Yeah, probably break-ups go broke. Brock, you don't have to scream that into Arnie's shirt.
That's not how this works.

Arnie has. Wouldn't it be great if that was how it worked, though?

You can put him down. Brock, put Arnie down, please.
Brock, you are so strong. You could do that shirt very cheaply, but five colors is all you need.
Five? Wow, he does know about stuff.

What, five colors? Cyan?

Sure. I mean, that's where you start, right?

You go from Cyan to the other colors of the rainbow, because Cyan,

Roy G. Biv, I don't know where C fits in there, but it's one of the big ones.
You know Roy?

Of course I know Roy. Well, I don't know Roy personally, but the person whose room I broke into last Tuesday knew Roy, and now I have that knowledge.
Wow. Arnie, there's a great mage.

He used to be a wizard, right? You said he was Roy G. Wiz, and then he got demonized.
He was Roy G. Wiz, but then he got demoted for living too colorfully.

You can only have one color as a wizard. Everyone knows that.
Green. Blue? I'm blue, damn it.
I wish there was some mental trick to help me remember that name, but Roygie Wiz?

That's kind of impossible. But, oh, you sorry, I should have said Brock's a big Spintax fan.

He loves the green wizards, baby.

All the way. Look at that sleeve.
So green. You know, I love the color cyan.
I'm like, call me the king of cyan. No.
Okay, sorry if that's inappropriate. When I was a boy, world was a different spot.

I was already nervous about laughing at the eye joke because is that offensive to Cyclops? If I laugh at it? No, it's fine, guys. I've heard them all.

Do you mind if we ask you some Cyclops questions? Hey, fire away, because you know what? I didn't have to steal that knowledge. That is.
So right here behind this big, beautiful blue baby.

Yeah, it's a piercing blue eye you have there. Thank you.
Yeah, and let's talk about the rest of his ensemble and the sort of colors of the outfit. The Cyclops, jeans, gray.
Yes. What else?

Shirt, orange.

You've got a night crawler coming out of your pocket.

Do you eat those? Do you fish with them? What do you do? Well, it's a little of both. Sometimes it depends on how hungry I am while I'm fishing, quite frankly.
Okay.

Banff, have you ever fish at Banff? Oh, are you kidding me? It's the only place to go. That's where the big stuff is.
Oh, yeah. There's a certain mystique about you.
I just wanted to say that.

Well, you know, how many Cyclops have you met? None. It's not Cyclopses, by the way.
It's Cyclops, plural, like deer. Oh.
Yeah, Yeah, so you've met no Cyclops until me.

There's four of us here in Foon.

I don't know where the other guys have been. I haven't seen them in a while.
So only four total. Four, as far as I know.
Wow.

Well, then,

are two of those your parents? Or are your parents no longer with us? Well, you Sidor, they both died at childbirth. I'm sorry for your loss.
That's okay. They both died in childbirth, and it was

raised by them. I don't know them, so there's no real connection.

They both died in childbirth?

Yes. Huh.

What? Huh? I don't understand the incredulity. It's too painful to talk about.
I would love to hear more details about it. I'll talk all the fuck about it.

You guys are acting like that's a weird thing. It's a little.

I mean, the mortality rate while giving birth is higher than it should be, but I've never heard of both parents dying in during childbirth. All right.
Hey, my parents died in a car wreck.

Do you say, huh, really?

Weird.

It's no way to handle it you guys so were they in a cart no oh that was dialed at childbirth oh hypothetical uh sorry cyclopsothetical is that hey is that how you guys say it that's how we say we try to tie the psy in front of anything it gets a little old but it's fine but yes they both died at childbirth i don't have the data that's one thing i don't know that's one thing i refuse to study obviously uh so i don't know i don't know how often that happens but i appreciate you guys being so sympathetic our pleasure oh we love

caring for the emotional needs of our guests. In fact, why don't we take a quick break? And we'll be right back with more Brock, the Cyclops.
Arnie, you've hardly sucked your sticky wick.

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So, Brock, I hate to go back to this. When you sneak into people's rooms at night to steal their thoughts, you said you go in through the ear.

What goes in through the ear?

I mean,

I probably don't have to tell you guys this.

A lot of things can go in through the ear, but in this circumstance, if you're really just looking to extract knowledge, I don't want to get people's personal thoughts and opinions.

Like, that's a fucking nightmare. I just want knowledge.
So if you want knowledge, you have to use the knowledge stick. It's sort of, it looks, have you, you guys know about ear candling? I think so.

How does it work exactly? Well, ear candling is a big scam, basically, that, you know,

a lot of people fall for. It doesn't really do anything.
But in terms of this, it's kind of a cone-shaped. It's conical.

So you stick, you know, the skinny end through the ear, and then it sort of broadens out,

and then you can extract that way.

That's what I was doing wrong. But also illegal, right, it sounds like.
Oh, super illegal. You shouldn't do it.
I definitely, if I did do it, I wouldn't put the not skitty end in first.

Well, you'd have a big problem then, you know. Tell me about it.
That would reverse everything. Theoretically.
Yeah. You'd probably be sending your thoughts into their head then.
That's what happened.

Shit.

I'll be right back.

Brock, what did you, with all this information you sort of collected, is that how you sort of, did you pair that with everything you've seen and learned while roaming Foon?

I haven't learned a lot, actually.

Just walking around, seeing stuff, it's, I mean, I don't know. I already kind of know all the stuff.

Well, mean, I pay attention, I enjoy my day, but you ever see the t-shirt that says sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

My version is sometimes I walks and thinks, but usually I just walks. I see.
Yeah, until I meet people.

I always love to meet someone who thinks they know everything and they have no space for new ideas. Hey, good to meet you, too.
Yeah. I like your jacket.
Oh, thank you. It's new.

I need into

I think someone stole my thoughts.

Sorry, Brock.

We're very happy that you're here.

Is there anything that when you look at us, you say you were starting to size us up earlier? Sure. Is there anything in particular that you think the three of us each should know? Chunt and Arnie.

Oh, yeah, myself. Well, when I talk to two eyes, is what I call them.

That is E-Y-E-D-S.

When I talk to two-eyed, with a dash in the middle, of course.

Of course.

There's a thing that you people do where you look down on people like me with the one eye. So I have to break through that first.

You guys were very kind earlier. You just asked me a question or two about the single eye.
You didn't get too specific, so I appreciate that.

You didn't dig in too hard about both my parents dying when I was born,

which I appreciate as well. So I feel like we have broken through a bit.
Good.

Oh, thank God it says. Because I really want to know, Brock, depth perception.
Is that an issue?

Is that how a lot of Cyclopses die?

I've opened the door. I said Cyclopses.
Is that how a lot of Cyclops

die? I've opened the door. Now I understand.

Yeah, it's a thing.

You know how Foon gets

busy days. People are out and about.
You can't look left and look right unless you move your entire body,

which is a little inconvenient. So, yeah, there's a lot of traffic accidents.
Yeah,

I should say for our listeners, it's not just that you have the one eye, it's that there doesn't seem to be a huge amount of mobility of the eye. Almost as if

an old-timey makeup artist made a head with just an eye in the middle. No offense.

And just, yeah, to move around, you have to move your whole body to kind of look in any direction.

I think it's nice to be described as a B-movie. I appreciate that.

Have you ever thought about moving your neck? Well,

I mean, how much neck do you see? There's not much.

There's a slight indentation, but I wouldn't call it a neck.

When you have the one eye,

it's a bit of a tube-like situation from your cranium down. It's just

a very singular thing.

It's hard to describe, but yes,

I can twist it a little bit, but it's

see there on the left, it hurts. It goes from pecs to jaw pretty quick.

Very quickly. Yeah.
Also, I should say, Arnie, I think you described the eye perfectly.

I don't know if you mentioned it, it's pretty deep-seated. Like, it's like a jewel in a crown or something.
Like, it's pretty, it's pretty far back.

My father, well, here's what we called them. My father had a big ass eye, and my mother had a big ass eye.
And you know what that is. Bae.
Say what? Oh, sorry, big ass eye. I was like, oh, bae.
Sure.

Your mom was bae. It was just.
Big ass eye. Is that what makes sense? That would make sense.
I don't know what that. I don't understand what you're talking about right now.
I'm so sorry.

Please continue. That's fine.
Guys, where does he live? Because I could honestly break his head.

Chunt, where have you been sleeping lately? Oh, can he hear me? Oh, hither and tither.

Here's the thing. Oh, I'm so sorry, Brock.
Just so you know, Chunt can not only talk, he can hear.

See, when you got one eye, you never know which of those things are working. Yeah? And sorry, Chunt, where are you sleeping? Oh, hither and tither.
Hither and tither.

You're sleeping with hither and tither now, the twins?

Yeah,

they're cool with it, so

blink, blink.

Sometimes I do that. It's a party trick, you know.
You're out,

people are staring at the eye anyway, and they're waiting for it because

there's a big ass eye. And there's waiting, and so sometimes when I blink it, I will say, blink, blink, right at somebody.

It's a very powerful blink because you have such beautiful eyelashes, such long, luxurious eyelashes. Eyelash.
That's also singular, even though there are many. Interesting.

So you were saying your mom has a big ass eye your dad has a big ass eye had and had they're both dead uh they both that's right they both had big ass eyes my mom's family comes from a long line of big ass eyes strangely my grandparents on my father's side my paternal grandparents uh had mid-range eyes uh he was born with a big ass eye sometimes that happens but i was i was destined for this so you're either bay or mid uh with your lineage that's pretty cool i guess so if you want to put it that way uh i i

That's fine. You're getting a little testy.
I was so fascinated to learn that you don't think of us as a biklops. Oh, you know, that's very interesting.

Two eyes, right? Two I'ds with a D to I'd D S sometimes Z if you're feeling squirrely.

Oh Brock, thank you so much. Guys, he handed me.
You know when Brock said you're getting a little testy? He handed me a little box. I unwrapped it.
And look, it's a little testy.

Right. Oh, that's good.
That guy has the week ones knowledge when I was roaming around as the first testy box. And there'll be more to come.
Thank you. Enjoy.
Oh, no.

It was almost like an advent calendar.

Sure. Yeah.
Perfect. Advent calendar, definition of the day, word of the day, that kind of thing.
Exactly. A word of the day.
What a good idea. I could discover and create a new word every day.

Today's word will be

Austalicon.

Austalicon? And do you never define these words? Why would I?

Well, you're not going to sell many calendars. That's true.
I'll have to figure out what Astalakon is. All right.
Brock, I'll be right back. Since you know...
Oh, boy, Yusuf's on the move today.

Brock, since you sort of know everything,

what's the best meal... Sorry, the best sandwich you found in all of Fum? Oh, wow.
Well, guys, you picked my favorite meal, which is sandwich.

It's very tough. I love the French dip, and I think you know where.
Oh yeah. Rocco Benny's.
Yeah, I'm a big French dip guy.

Anytime I go anywhere and I got a French dip on the menu, I gotta give it a shot. The jus is perfect.
The toasted bun, absolutely perfect.

The cheese is just melted enough, and they give you enough jus. You know, you don't want to get to the last bite and not have anything to sop up.
So I'd go with the French dip. Perfect.

A perfect sandwich. Delicious.

What's your favorite? I just got back. Ashtalicon, a sandwich on toasted bread that you dip into jus.
Oh,

is that a thing? I think there's already a name for that. Damn it.

What's your favorite sandwich?

Mine would probably be, and Arnie Brace the Emails. Mine would probably be a hot dog.

I have a lot of knowledge on this, but the hot dog sandwich thing is so obnoxious, I'm not even going to cut it. Yeah.

Arnie, what's your favorite sandwich? My favorite sandwich is probably

a man witch meal don't give me no bologna wait a man which is just a mage right you sitar right or a warlock a man witch a warlock that's right mage or a morlock this is making me hungry you guys so arnie what's your favorite sandwich never mind brock can i no one's gonna ask me oh fuck well i assumed it was uh

sandwich sand on mayonnaise

i was gonna ask I didn't want to be rude. I'm the new guy.
Sand on mayonnaise. Oh.
Is there even bread?

Well, of course there's bread. It's a sandwich.
You put a little mayonnaise on the bread, you put some sand on that, and then you eat it.

And then I shit a perfect crystal bulb. Hmm.
Oh, because fire and sand equals crystal. Right.
What's in your stomach? Oh, all sorts of contraptions and

things in process that will be

for the boon and benefit of all of Foon. Things in process.
Yeah, like, you know, little experiments and things. Like a Second City show or something is in your stomach? Review, Arnie.

They're called reviews. Oh, sorry.
Sorry. That's what you told me, at least, when you first got to the end of the year.
Oh, of course.

Brock,

I think we should challenge you a little bit more. If you know everything.
Sure. Ooh.
And not just ask you about the opinions, because as you said,

you may have your own opinions, but you know things. You've learned from stealing thoughts.

Where do frogs come from? Ooh, yes. Well, you guys don't know this? Did you take basic science? I'm sorry.

I haven't mentioned this to you before. I'm from another world.
Oh, okay. I understand.

You know, frogs come from a... It's kind of a smaller version of a frog.
Some might call it a baby frog. It's born just out of the frog's butt.
Oh,

I always thought frogs come from the penis. I mean, I come from my penis.
Sure. I think we all come from the penis, guys.

Come on. I fine.
All right.

What's up? Well done. That's a t-shirt.

We all come from the penis.

Okay. Chunt, I'm going to give you a chance.
Is that what you want your new t-shirt to be? Yes, please. Yes, daddy.
So what is it exactly? We all come from the penis. We all come from the penis.

How do you want to spell come?

Let's wait to see if anybody buys one first.

Wait, hold on. So we're going to wait for confirmation that an order has come in, and then we're going to decide, maybe ask them.
Yeah. Oh, boy.
Find C-O-M-E.

Okay.

I was calling it baby frog, but then someone told me it's called Grogu. Oh, I mean, sure, you can call it that if you want.

I've heard that name before, at least this one lady whose house I broke into. Yeah, I'm more of a Grogu, not a Shogu.

Stop trying to get

this shirt. That's got to be a shirt.
That's gotta be a shirt.

I don't know if you guys can see my shirt.

It says, I was born in a Petri dish. Oh.

I don't come from a penis, you guys. I was trying to grow out in high-five.

I was born in a Petri dish. My parents, when I said that they died on childbirth, they were watching the surrogate give birth, and they both died.

But what they basically did was the father put his, you know, his stuff in a Petri dish, and the mother put her stuff in a petri dish, and they put that inside of another person.

I was born, they witnessed this, they died. They died watching you being born? Hey, I came out with that big eye.

At the time, it was as big as the head, and even though they're big-ass eye people, it was a bit of a shock.

So, I'm not sure if that's exactly what did it, or if it was shame, or excessive, I like to think excessive pride, maybe. I don't know.
They're so proud that they died. I think so.

I mean, that's what the doctors told me. Brock, you might know better than I do, but I've heard a whisper, a rumor even, that when you're born, your eyes are the size that they'll be your whole life.

That your eyes are the one thing that kind of never grow. So I could see if that eye was in sort of a smaller baby's body.
I could see where that might be shocking. Sure, sure.

And by the way, when you're talking to a Cyclops, it's best not to put an S, it's not to pluralize I's, even if you're talking about two eyes,

it's a little insensitive. I'm fine.
I don't care. I'm not woke.

But there are plenty of Cyclops. Well, three others.
I was dunno three.

Yeah, but two of those three, like if you add an S onto anything I-related,

it's big trouble. Whoa.
Truly noted.

What if a Cyclops is like nearsighted?

They would wear glass? Yeah. Oh, look at you.
Okay. I think I...
Wow. All right, man.
This is great. You're learning.

That's what my live task is about. I want to spread the knowledge that I steal, and I want to spread the message of the Cyclops and the knowledge of the Cyclops.

You wear a glass, it's the same thing as you guys. I see glasses right now.
Just imagine there being one thing in the center. I see.

I don't need them. You're a weird patient.

Good God.

Motherfucker.

Come on. He doesn't have one leg.
Yeah, that was awkward. Let me buy a round of drink.
Oh, man. Yes, and let's just take a break.
Are we getting this right, Brock? Is this right? How are we doing?

Just the eye.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

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So, if a goose is flying south at exactly 40 miles per hour and it decides to head west for two hours at the same rate of acceleration, how long does it take to get to

the Isle of Fuentana? Are you asking me? Yeah.

Because I do not know. Yeah, you know, word problems, not my spech.
No, okay.

Okay.

Who invented chairs? Ooh, I like that one. Oh, well, geez, that's a great question.
Thank you. What I need to do is, do you know anyone who in town makes furniture?

It's been a minute since I've been in town. Who is the best furniture? This tavern travels around from town to town, so we're not super familiar.

I don't know, Chund, Yusidor, do you guys know who makes the furniture in this town? I mean,

the best sort of craftsman

in fact would be Boliver, the the beaver

who really

that's the one then I need what I need to do to answer your question is break in middle of the night get in that beaver's ear with that cone and then I'll be able to answer your question so you're still doing

that I guys I'm cursed to roam the dirt forever so you don't care about continuing to break the law aren't you afraid they're gonna come back and curse you worse what are they gonna do

what's a worse curse

no um one pant leg two legs but you have you can only wear one pant leg, but you have two legs still. You know what? It's a little late, guys.
And Boliver's place is just across the street.

Game. Should we go break into Boliver's place? Let's go break into.

Let's go break into Boliver's. All right.
I've never done this before, so I don't know how to do it. Here, I'll clad us all in black.
Eroff, turtle, car.

Follow me. I've got a little cone ready.
I know we need that.

Now, can I ask Brock? Before we go into the house,

how do you usually, like, do you know how to pick locks and things? You must. You must have that knowledge as well.
You know what the first thing I did? I broke into the lockpicker's house.

Must have been hard. Was it hard to break into the lockpicker's house? Weirdly, no.
The door was open.

So I just fucking strolled in, put the cone in there, and all of a sudden, none of you were safe, frankly. Wow.
That would be, I think Ezekiel is the local porcupine.

He sells his quills to sort of pick locks. Brock, I would say porcupines, they're little stabby cutie pies.
Do you know a lot about porcupines? Sure. What do you want to know?

Just seems like maybe recently you know a lot about them. I do.
And you know what? Fucking stand back. That's what I, that's all you need to know.

Admire from afar. There's your t-shirt.
On the other side, porcupines. Arnie, we gotta get a Brock t-shirt.

Okay, Brock is just spinning t-shirt gold over here. Hey, thanks, guys.
Okay, so this is the front door.

It is late, but all the lights are on in there. Should we just knock and see if he wants to fall asleep and get through the window?

Oh, jeez. Okay, I guess we're following Chunt through the window.
Be careful. There's a lot of broken glass.
What are you doing in here? Oh,

Boliver. What are you doing in here?

This is your yearly window inspection, and you failed, buddy. What? I'm Chunt.
I'm the... Should I use the fake name? I'm...

Shit, are you the window inspector? I'm the window inspector. Here, here's 100 gold.

I'm just gonna. I'm just, look, let me pay you off.

I've been trying to get those windows fixed, I swear. I just haven't had the money and time to do it.
But please don't send me to jail. Oliver, do you have illegal windows?

Yeah, my windows are all fucked up and illegal. Please don't send me to jail.

We won't have to if you go to sleep right now and sign this waiver, this consent form.

Also, before you go to sleep, don't tell us the answer, but do you know who invented chairs? Of course I know who invented chairs. Okay, top of mind.
Keep it top of mind. Keep it top of mind.

All right. It's a great idea, guys.
I'm not really tired.

Talk.

Sign a form, but do we have

to? I shall cast a spell.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep. Kalashwara Hara Tadatan.
I hope no one's driving while they're listening to this episode.

Oh, wait.

I think Brock is asleep too.

He's asleep.

Poke him.

Poke him with a stick.

Wait, Chunt's asleep too. Oh, shit.

Ani, how did you stay awake?

I never listened to you. Shut up.

You started doing a magic spell? I was like, nothing makes me zone out faster.

I was probably going to hear a Harath or something in there.

Harath is one one of the most powerful words in all of spells. Absolutely.

Did someone say Harath? Yeah, see, I just woke everyone up just by saying

mommy. What? What? What? What? Fuck, guys.
Rock, are you okay? Were you having a bad dream?

I was having a bad dream about mommy. Oh, oh.
Oh, didn't even switch it to mom now that you're awake. Interesting.
Well, she died when I was one minute old, you guys. She'll always be mommy.

Yeah, of course.

So a whole minute elapsed. Enough time for me to take it all in with my eye.
Yeah.

What happened? Um, you guys came into my house and you threatened to get me arrested for having illegal windows.

Oh, Boliver, nobody said that. What? It was a bad thing.
Boliver, why can't you just fucking sleep? Like a normal person. Whoa, Arnie.

You did it. I threatened him to sleep.
Wow. Oh, yes.

Sometimes that can work just as well as a spell. Alright, well, do you have the code? Here's the code.
Alright.

What you're gonna do is you're gonna go over here very slowly.

Go ahead and stick the small end just a bit, give it a little twist, and a poke. Oh, wow.
This is kind of erotic in its own way. Barely touching his ear.

Show y'all.

Beaver. Alright.
I've got it. Okay.

Before we wake him up, let me just put his paw in a glass of warm water.

Okay, now we can wake him up. Great trick.
Let's let him sleep. That's a good idea.
He looks so peaceful. Yeah.

Who invented the chair? Was that the question? Yeah. Yes,

what did you get? What?

I just wanted to make sure. I'll tell you who invented the chair.
Let me go through the files. Sort of like a.

You have to just file through with your little fingies.

And

chairs, C C H Catahula.

Okay, here we go. C H chairs.

It looks like the inventor of the chair was his great-great-great-grandpa. Oh, whoa.

That makes sense. Furniture builder, yes.
Chairs haven't been around that long. Oh, no, I remember many years just sitting on beanbags like idiots.
Wait, the bean bag was invented before the chair?

Oh, the bean bag is ancient beyond all telling. Yeah, Arnie, that's like you told us on your world that the lighter was invented before the match, which sounds insane, but look it up.
It's true.

I think all windshield wipers were invented before cars. That's nothing.
What do you

just because you don't understand technology from my world? It's pretty interesting. What's so fucking interesting? What's so surprising? It's beans in a bag.

People had bags, they had beans, and then they're like, we can sit on this. Okay.
It was that or the ground. What are they going to do? Yeah.
Brock, I have a question for you. Yep.

Do you have any way of confirming that the information you're getting out of people's head is accurate no i mean that is the caveat i did did i not mention that up front shit yeah just your head is filled with people's dumb ideas basically yes yes yes yes yes yes that's part of the problem uh god it's like the internet in your brain yeah exactly how much internet do you know about i don't know much about it I we only get an hour a week with Ani's phone.

Yeah, I'm trying to limit their screen time.

And those times we're usually trying to come up with clever quips that can be tweets, but now we'll put all that energy into our t-shirt. Not me.
I watch Bluey.

You know it can handle all the screen time. What? Cyclops.

You know, it's got two thumbs and can look at a screen all day. It just makes you smarter and more clear-eyed.
Oh. This guy.
Good. AIC.
Well, thank you for clarifying how many thumbs you had.

I didn't want to describe it. I was talking about having two thumbs.
It's just

the eyes. I got two of everything else except, you know.
Where are you coming from? You have two noses? Yeah, exactly.

Where's the second one? Well, where do you think? You want to find out? I have buttholes, and I know where they are. I'll show you.

Okay. All right.
Here we go.

Oh, right in the middle of your back. I wouldn't have guessed that.
Yeah. Where'd you think it was going to be? I don't know.
Maybe like on a bicep or something?

I thought maybe it was like a adult teeth, baby teeth situation of like, if your original nose fell off, you'd have another one under there that was slightly more sturdy.

But now you're just smelling your own ass all day. That's a good point.
It's also, I mean, some could say that's another curse.

Look, I know that we are all standing around casually having a conversation in the scene of a crime that we've just committed.

We got a consent form. That is true.
I will say

the most egregious thing you said already is that we're all standing around when we're in a chair shop.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm going to sit.
Is it alright if we read an email? Are you asking me?

Yeah, are you okay with it, Brock? I, hey, I'll take it. I'll put an eye on it.
Let's do it. Okay.
So,

what if he said no?

I know. Fuck, we'd be in trouble.
Listeners, if you want to email us, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address.

Or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com/slash magic tavern and you can message us there. Here's a message we got recently: Is Usidor somehow my three-year-old niece?

She keeps taking my face into both her hands, leaning in and whispering, Aunt Jenny, I love rocks. My pockets have been filled with rocks lately, and I know it's her.

If she's not whispering, she shouts every single thing she says at the loudest possible volume. There is no in-between.
Her favorite color is blue.

She tells everyone, including strangers, who are just trying to mind their own business. She has many names, including Tuts McGee, Butt Butt, Moose Butt, and Arf Arf.

And based on a somewhat wild look in her eyes, I suspect there are many secret names she's yet to reveal.

When I brought her to a pet store for the first time last week and she saw the birds, she lost her mind. She loves birds.
I'm sure if she could find a way back herself, she would go free them all.

So, Usidor, are you somehow a great wizard and foon and my three-year-old niece? How can that be? Anyway, don't die, you three. Love Aunt Jenny.
Huh, off saving a tree, huh?

Sounds like you turned yourself into a three-year-old and went to Earth. Well,

I don't know if that's me or not.

That was a long email, though. Is this next week's episode?

Look,

I know you're just ready to do more t-shirts. It's not the next episode.
I have so many t-shirt ideas. I think it's possible that

some aspect of me exists on Earth as this small three-year-old child.

It's well documented that many of the aspects of this child are traits known to also belong to me. I love yelling at the top of my lungs.
I love birds. I love rocks.

You know, the great thing about rocks is sometimes they're magical and they hold great power. But most of the time, they're just hard pieces of stuff.
Magical holding great power?

You mean like a geode? Geodes. Oh, yeah.
I love a geode. Oh, geodes are so cool.
Arnie, do you have geodes on Earth? I think so. Oh, fucking.
Like a fucking...

When you first see a fucking geode, oh, my goddesses. If this little girl sees a geode, she might lose her shit.

We gotta get Jenny a geode. We gotta get a geode to Jenny.

That's the ant. Yes.
That's the ant. Yeah.
Yeah, but Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Jenny, if you're listening, which I assume you're not, you must get a geode and show it to this child.

If she turns into a bright shaft of light and her eyes glow red, then you'll know she's a wizard in disguise.

Brock, speaking of aunts or aunts, do you know what happened to your surrogate? I mean, she is kind of like family in a way. Yeah, you still have a relationship there?

Well,

this is something I learned from breaking into the house of a health teacher, elementary school health teacher.

An aunt or aunt is only the sister of one of your parents. That That is not a surrogate.

So, a surrogate is somebody, again,

daddy puts his stuff in a dish, mommy puts her stuff in a dish, we put the dish into the person,

and that's a whole dish. I mean, it's a Petri dish.
Okay, sure, sure. Have you seen a Petri dish? I think so.

There's a whole new meaning to doing the dishes. Exactly.
That's a very good question. That's a shirt.

No, it's not.

So, I'm sort of dancing around the answer, but the answer is no.

What you do when you go into it as parents is you fill out a form that says how many visits you might allow with the surrogate or no contact at all.

And in this case, my parents both selected no contact at all. So they both died.

They were trying to change that, quite honestly, as they were dying so I could have some sort of contact. And it didn't work out.
They had the pin in hand, but it didn't work out. Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.

Such Such a tragic beginning, Brock. I don't like to think of it that way, guys.
I like to look on the bright side of life, you know?

Sure. I mean, think of yourself unencumbered right from the get-go.
Exactly. I wake up every morning.
I rub the sleep out of that eye. I go outside.
I take a stroll. I roam this great vast land.

I meet people. I get a little bit of a bad.
Take a big whiff of your ass. I do.
Well,

I try to avoid that in the morning. Well, I can, you know, only one operates at a time.
Did I not mention that? Oh, I didn't know that.

There's a valve. There's a valve.
So

I'm either front or back. And obviously, I avoid back at certain times of the show.
Sure, sure. Wow.
There's a valve? Like, is the valve located equidistant between the two noses?

Right in the goddamn center. Wow.

Inconvenient. Arnie and Usidor, I thought now that we're coming to the end of the episode that you two might want to go ahead and apologize to me.

Shunt, I'm so sorry for whatever I did. What is it, cuz? What did I do? Earlier today, when I said, uh, I'm excited for the two of you to meet my one-eyed monster, you two said, Oh, ew, Chunt, gross.

And now I think you'll find that he's actually quite pleasant. You're right.
Uh, I apologize. Uh,

I did think you meant something else when you said that in my defense. Now I see that, um, put your little badger penis out there, and uh, you know, well, it's always hold on, it's always out.
Always.

Don't make me have to be some sort of pervert. I'm in the form of a badger.
It's always out.

Yeah. Yeah, but you don't need to wave it around.
I mean, we all come from a penis, guys. That's true.
We got it. We all come from a penis.
Let's all grab a chair and get out of this furniture store.

We're all taking chairs. Free chairs.

All you fledgling improv students out there, remember, when comedy fails, resort to vandalism.

Okay, let's get through these t-shirt plugs so quickly that my brain barely has time to get angry/slash disappointed.

The old Arnie and Usidor shirts are gone, but now in our TeePublic store, there's a limited-time shirt where Arnie says a watched tree never dies, and a shirt where Usidor says suck it, knee camp, as the nation quietly says it with him.

There were a number of other regrettable shirt slogans thrown out in the episode, but as far as I could tell, none of them were official or, you know, good. So for now, the Chunt shirt stays the same.

Link for the shirts in the show notes, I'm guessing. Usidor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.
Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Brock the Cyclops was played by special guest Charles Bryant. Charles is the co-host of the wonderful, smart, funny, stuff you should know podcast.

You probably already listened to it, but if not, treat yourself! You deserve better than this.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Joey Sleeman, Sir Graham Van Strot, parentheses, which is my name, Travis Armstrong, scrambled up. What a fun activity to think about during the credits.

It's like doing Wordle at the DMV. Casey Runicles, Theo, Theo, Theo, Lance Cutter, Tiffany Pellat, Paul Killian, and Thadwick Darling, the thoppish baby Peter Pan refused to bring to Neverland.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode 2 of the new season of Shadow City with Anthony Birch.

Ah.

Big Dracula. Yeah, Big Dracula.
That's what they're going to call it. Big Dracula.
It's part of the Big Splitation Movement. What are they trying to do? Recast me? You're so much bigger than me?

Holy Bella, Gossie. How dare you get out of here?

You shall never be Dracula. Bella, Bella, they're not even filming today.
Bella, they're not even filming today. Why are you in costume?

I have to get in character. Ah, beautiful gene.
I shall see you later.

Wait, he just

turned into a bat. He's a beautiful babe.
I don't want to make this take over too much, but I do think before the season is over, we got to figure out what the fuck is going on with that vampire.

Young Gene Holly goes, yeah, he's a real vampire. They decided to put him in the pictures because he was so photogenic.

Why is he out in the sunlight? Because

that's not how vampires work in this world.

That's the movie rules. We don't have to assume that it's all the movie rules are correct.
My skin shines like diamonds.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger.
Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard Levan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.