Season 5, Ep 35 - Magic Bean (w/ Lisa Gilroy)

Thank you for visiting the space previously occupied by Hello from the Magic Tavern.

In this new series, Small Town Cozy Murder Movie Reviews and Sometimes Think Pieces, every demographic should find something they hang on on being handed a piece of paper.

So, we're gonna do more of the other thing?

Did you not get my email?

Or the follow-up email?

Okay, so we've learned nothing.

Got it.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but its ability to ignore market research sure is.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my cousin, Chunk the Talking Badger.

Oh,

yeah, Cuzzy.

How you doing, bud?

How you doing, cuz?

Are we?

Wait, I forgot.

Are we Arnie?

We're cousins now, I think.

Arnie, real talk, are we cousins?

I think we are.

I don't remember why.

I just know that a few weeks back, we just

either know we're not kissing cousins.

Okay.

We gotta leave a little.

We gotta leave a little possibility.

Sorry, I was just hitting a high note.

See, I was trying to see if the glass would break.

Let's try singing that with our faces a little closer to each other.

Oh, so close.

Maybe next week.

Maybe next week.

Tune in, folks.

How about this, Chun?

We should start a new thing at the beginning of every episode.

Yeah.

Where we hum with our lips closer and closer every week.

Yes, we start every episode.

with a hummer.

Just two dudes humming away.

Yeah.

Getting closer and closer.

Big will they, won't they?

until eventually fade to black.

Exactly.

Ooh, Arnie, say that again.

Exactly.

Okay, I'm going to write this down.

I don't know if I told you, I'm trying to write a book about

just about all of Foon and like your whole deal being here and everything.

So just trying to make sure I get all your catchphrases.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Okay, so just to be clear, you're writing a book about all of Foon?

Or about me?

Well, it's about you being in Foon.

Because you know how you're always saying like we have to monetize everything everything is content yes yes so i thought you know if at some point we figure out the uh the reopening of a portal and like we have guests from earth who can like come and like see where arnie lived and like where he like pooped standing up and like and everyone's like taking these tours um when they leave they have to go the portal will build a gift shop right in front of the portal so they have to exit through it and we sell a book called goodbye from the magic tavern

um and it's just sort of a compendium of all the fun crazy shit you've been up to.

That's fantastic.

What do you have so far?

Read it back to me.

So I have, there's a chapter called Arnie's Catchphrases, and number one is exactly.

So.

Okay.

You might want to write that down because I say okay a lot as well.

Okay.

Okay.

Exactly.

Okay.

Okay.

Then sure.

All right.

And what do we think we'll charge for this?

Too much.

Like a free pamphlet?

Like it'll be a free paper.

No, it's not going to be free.

Whatever we charge is going to be too much.

Yeah, too much.

Yeah.

I would introduce my other co-hosts, but unfortunately, Usador isn't here.

Yeah, he's off.

I think he's helping a tree out, right?

Yeah, he said he had to go help a tree.

He said he had to help a tree out.

I couldn't tell if he was just making up a lie.

Because we were like, where are you going, Usidor?

And he said, I'm going to help a tree out.

Yeah, and he said it after looking around the room for like four minutes.

And at some point, he looked out a window.

Yeah, he looked around the room, and then he slowly walked over to the window, looked out the window for a minute, and came back and then shrugged and said,

I'm going to help a tree out.

How's my Usidor impression, by the way?

Um, honestly, pretty fucking hot.

Thank you, Cause.

Yeah, I wish Usidor actually sounded like that.

Let me try.

Let me tell you, let me try.

Let me try.

I'm going to help a tree out.

So fucking hot.

What is it?

Is Usidor hot and we didn't realize it?

Well, Usidor has absolutely been hot the whole time.

Remember that time when you tried to take off his glasses and clean the birch shit off his robes?

And you're like, you're hot now.

Yeah, he was suddenly sweet.

He was hot the whole time.

Oh, I see.

But here's the thing.

When people are sort of naturally attractive, we have to add mystique.

We have to say, like, they have a certain something, something about them,

right?

There's just something about them.

They have an energy.

We all know what it is.

They're naturally attractive.

And that's what Yusidor has.

It's magic.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

He might be meeting up with Jin Livia, to be honest.

Oh, yeah.

Help a tree out.

I don't know what that

is.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

Do you hear?

Do you hear that noise?

Excuse me.

Yeah, it sounds like.

It sounds like someone.

I don't see.

This is an adorable.

Excuse me.

Ah, whoa.

Hello.

What's this?

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm trying to get up on this barstool, but it's too high for me.

Can you help me get up?

Um.

I'll climb up.

It's okay.

We should help him.

It's so adorable to watch.

This might take a while.

It's taking every ounce of my energy.

It's made no progress, really.

So, okay, stop staring at me.

Okay, oh, um, yeah,

don't help me.

Help me, don't help me.

Here, I'm gonna get underneath.

I'm gonna get underneath you and blow.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

And yeah, you can sit here.

The seat's not taken.

What are you?

I'm a bean.

What are we doing, boys?

We're talking.

We're doing impressions.

Oh, I'm going to go elbow tree out.

I can say it.

I was just listening from the ground.

Oh, that's fair.

That's actually pretty good.

Yeah.

Do you know Yusidor, the blue wizard?

No, does he host a talk show or something?

He co-hosts.

He co-hosts, yeah.

Yeah.

Is he on after school that I've seen him?

Uh, he's on during school.

Yeah.

Are you a kid?

Are you a little?

I'm a bean, so I guess I'm 42 days old, so maybe I'm a kid in bean years, but bean years go by seven times seven.

So seven times seven is 40.

Beans go to school.

Yeah, so I'm actually 43 days old, yeah.

43 days old.

Okay.

And do you go to like a little school?

Well, beans don't really get educated so good these days.

I don't know if you guys have been reading the

scrolls.

The scrolls.

The bean scrolls?

Yeah, you guys read the bean scrolls or are they too small for you to read?

I gotta be honest, I read the regular sort of news scrolls every single day.

Hey, I get it.

You're big, and you can read all the big words, and you have a big newspaper.

I'm a bean, okay?

I can't read regular, I can't read regular scroll.

Huh.

Yeah, I was just gonna say, I've never seen a single news story about a bean ever.

Figures.

Yeah.

Nobody really gives a care about our community.

Chun, I've never seen you read the news scrolls.

I read them.

Whenever it comes up, you're like, I read the news scrolls every day, but I don't.

I've never seen you read the news scrolls.

Well, typically in the bathroom, and then I flush them down so nobody else can read them.

You flush your news scrolls down the toilet?

Yeah.

That's not very good for the pipes.

That's terrible.

So that's why I was just asking if you've read bean scrolls, because you could read the bean scrolls, but I can't read your big scrolls.

Because, like, for example, a letter H is like the size of me.

So how am I supposed to read a whole sentence?

Yeah, that is that is fair.

So, what's uh, what's and just imagine a capital H, even worse.

Oh, my god, towering.

Um, exactly.

What's going on, uh, in the bean world?

What's the what's the good bean news?

Well, I'm afraid there's not been much good bean news lately.

I'm kind of a bean on my own at the at this point.

I've fallen out of someone's pocket, and uh, I've just taken to kind of living in the tavern, eating crumbs.

You might think that beans don't eat, but we

eat crumbs.

Oh,

Can I see you?

If I...

Look, there's a crumb over here.

Could I see you eat this if I sort of push it over?

Not for free, pervert.

Fuck.

Arnie, pay the bean.

I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Now, do beans have feet?

Yeah, I got bean feet.

Can't you see them?

I'll do a little tap dance for you.

Tip, tap, tap, ta-da tip, tip, tip, tap, tip, tap, tip, tap, achieve, tea, that, too.

Hey.

Wow, a little.

Arnie, the bean produced a little top hat and cane.

Wow.

Yeah, and did you see the smoke coming up from my little bean feet because I tap dance so fast?

That was fast.

It's true.

Yeah.

Pay me for that.

Are you, is there a, if you tap dance fast enough, or is there a danger of you baking yourself?

Is that a baked bean joke?

That's not really appropriate.

No.

Can I have money for my tap dance?

More of a baked bean concern.

Yes, I want to pay you, but I feel like this coin would crush you.

What do beans use as money?

I use coins just like you guys.

I have a coin sled.

It's made of a leaf and a piece of hair, and I pull the coin behind me and I can use it to trade and shop at shops just like you.

Oh, fuck.

I I thought you were going to say, like, we use whispers as currency or something.

Uh, yeah, okay, okay, fuck you.

Stick around here.

Whoa, little bean.

Well, just like, can you believe this guy?

He's like, I fl I don't read the newspaper.

I flush it down the toilet.

Oh, and beans probably use whispers for currency.

It's like, I don't know.

At a certain point, it's like you have the privilege of being tall and so act like it.

Yeah.

Wow, I've never been called tall before.

Um, I will try and do better.

Do you have a name?

Uh, Beanla.

Beanla.

And that's short for.

It's long for Bean.

Oh!

Yeah.

Beanla.

And I was with my sisters when I fell out of the pocket.

And so if they come on through or if you see any other beans, I have two sisters named Megan and one named Sarah.

And if they come on by, please let them know I'm here waiting for them.

Wait a second.

Your sisters are named Megan

and Sarah and your name is Beanla?

Yeah, we're triplets.

Huh.

Who was born first?

Um, that's not how triplets work.

What are your guys' names?

Well, my name is Chunt.

I'm a badger, I'm a shapeshifter.

No, my name is Arnie.

I'm a human.

I'm from another world.

Oh, okay, so I'm going to do to you what you just did to me.

Wait, his name is Chunt and your name is Arnie?

Feels bad, right?

Yeah.

Well, but also, basically, how I've always, people always react to my name.

Your name is Arnie?

You have a weird name.

It is a weird name.

What does it mean?

Oh, yeah, what does Arnie mean?

Yeah, look arnie is short for arnold although i don't answer to arnold which i believe means like eagle or something hmm you should probably look into that because eagle is very specific and for you to say i think it means eagle um it's kind of wild yeah what does chunt mean well chant has many meanings but it comes from the old foonish word chant

which is to take a chance with dancing have you guys ever been to gardner garrison's garden that's where i grew up oh no what does binla mean mean?

Binla means the bean in Latin.

That's actually pretty good.

That's actually awesome.

And see how I didn't need to take a whole chapter to say it?

Yeah.

Oh, I should be writing this down.

Binla, do you mind being in a book?

Binla the bean being in a book?

Why, yes, please.

I would love to have my legend be transcribed for all to see.

Oh, sorry, can you, um, can you move?

Can you get out of the book?

Sorry, I just meant like, do you mind being written about?

Oh.

Oh, I thought you said, do you mind being written about?

Well, I said, do you mind being in a book?

And then you jumped in my book.

Yeah, can I get in the book?

I'm cold.

I need a place to sleep.

Well, here, let me, I'll rip out one page and you can use that as like a blanket or a whatever.

I don't know what a bean would use a piece of paper for.

Sean, you ripped out the page that you wrote my catchphrases on.

Yeah, I think it's time to start fresh.

Exactly.

Thanks.

This is a great gift.

I could fold this into an airplane or a sailboat or I could fold it into anything if I was strong enough to fold it into anything.

Oh, Arnie, I should say,

I've been bragging to everyone that my friend on his home planet has airplanes, which are like big metal birds.

And so everyone's like really into those.

Okay.

It seems like word is spread.

They're like a boat, but for clouds, and the sails are wings,

and the captain's turn style is buttons.

I started this information.

Don't tell me about it.

Oh, I doubt you started this information.

I bet you've never even seen one.

Arnie, tell Beanla that I have.

Have you?

We were in Ohio, right?

Yeah, that's true, in the 80s, but we weren't close to an airport.

What's 80s?

It's a time period.

It's like.

Future or past?

It's in the past, but it keeps coming back.

It's like imagine the greatest time, like childhood time.

Oh, yeah.

In the 80s, bracelets slap you.

That sounds so funny.

I wish I could make it to the 80s, but beans only live for 44 days.

Oh,

you're 43?

Yeah.

I guess I'm kind of spending my last day with you two guys, which kind of sucks for me.

Oh, goddesses, Binla.

Here's what we'll do.

Arnie, why don't we take a quick break?

And when we come back, let's try and give Beanla like the best last day ever.

Yeah.

Beanla, does that sound good?

Yeah, I guess so.

If you can stop being so condescending.

Sure.

I'll try.

Yeah, I'll try.

Okay, thanks.

I'm looking forward to it.

Are we talking a full day?

We talking a full day.

New Arnie Ketcheries.

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Okay, so here's a stack of crumbs.

You have that.

Here's 10 sheets of paper to the microphone.

Can I ask you a favor?

Can you not whisper when you're talking to me?

Because I know I'm a bean, but I'm not a baby.

You're so right.

Your attitude keeps being like, here's some crumbs.

Like, just don't do that.

You're right.

I think in Foon, we tend to treat the dying as

gently as possible.

And if I could point out, you were already kind of treating me too gentle because I think you thought I was too small to handle it, but I can take it.

Like, I can take full volume.

I can take curse words.

Like, I'm just one of the boys, basically.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

I'll fuck you out.

Oh, can you not say the F word?

You're right.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Sean.

I know.

I'm.

Okay, so what are we going to do for my big last day?

Well, here's the thing.

You said you just want to be one of the boys, and then we want this to be a special day.

We haven't done this.

Let's hire a stripper.

Well,

you heard the bean.

I'll be the stripper.

I've always wanted to do a strip tease.

I don't have clothes, but I have a little bean shell, and underneath my bean shell, I have two little bean nipples, and I'd love to show them off.

Okay.

It's her dying.

Don't wish.

Don't patronize me.

Just because I'm a bean doesn't mean I can't be a stripper.

Okay, that's fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just going to suggest we do a boys' night.

Well, what's a boys' night without a stripper?

That's a fair point.

Arnie, I think let's do a bean night.

Okay, yeah, bean night.

Bean night, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, I could show you guys the rope.

I bet you've never had a bean night before, huh?

No.

No, this will be a first.

So do beans do?

Like, what's a bean uh game or slumber party activity, or did you want to show us your uh bean nipples or whatever?

Yeah, I want to do that first.

So, I'm gonna do, I'll just sing my own little song, I guess, while I because I don't have like any sort of way, I don't have a harp or anything, so I'll just kind of sing a harp or something.

Just can you guys be quiet while I sing the song while I do it?

Okay,

okay, I'm gonna start again.

Are you gonna look over here?

Here I go.

This is my bean dance, hold on to my bean pants.

Get down on the.

So when you laugh, it kind of makes me feel like you're not taking it stripping seriously.

No, it's just it's not the lyrics, it's the way you're moving.

It's so adorable.

Because the only thing I have to take off is my bean shell, and underneath is my bean guts, so it's gonna hurt when I do it, so I can only do it once.

Wait, Cole, is this how you die?

No, not yet, but I should take off my bean shell in preparation for my death anyway, so this kind of works.

Okay.

And are those...

I'm sorry to ask.

I see like three little dots.

Are those your nipples?

Yeah, those are my bean tits.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going to start again and do a new song this time.

Okay.

Beans, beans, beans.

Like them hot and gravy.

Beans, beans, beans.

Um, I'm feeling disrespected when there's laughing happening when I'm doing the dance.

You rolled up a piece of paper and then flossed it between your legs like it was a shirt you took off or something.

Oh, well, I was pretending like it was a pole.

Wow.

Actually, does someone have a toothpick?

Maybe I can stick it in this little piece of olive and I could dance on it.

Yeah, uh, here you go, right here.

Thank you.

Oh, do you want me to the table?

There you go.

Perfect.

Beans, beans, beans.

Get your gravy, juicy beans, beans, beans, steamy beans.

Come on, get your beans, boys.

Thank you so much.

I've been Bila.

Yay, Bila.

Arnie, this is the greatest thing to ever happen to the show.

Was that awesome, guys?

That was so great, Binla.

Can I ask you guys a question?

Anything.

Did you get boners?

Yes.

You're not just saying?

No.

Do you want me to stand up?

No.

Okay, that, yeah.

I don't want it to knock me over.

Yeah, well, yeah.

It's...

Well, there's no worry of that, but I feel so bad because I wanted to put a coin in your pants, but one, you don't have pants, and then two, the coin would just kind of like topple over you.

I'll still take a coin, though.

You can add it to my little coin sled.

Yeah, all right.

Here you go.

All right.

You know, in my world, we have paper currency, which makes this whole transaction easier.

You go to the strippers a lot in your world?

No.

Wow.

Telling.

It seems like you know a lot about the strippers in your world.

Tell us more.

I don't.

I mean, I don't know that much about them.

They take paper currency?

Arnie, you're obsessed.

Yeah, Arnie, where do you like to put the paper currency?

Well, I usually respectfully put it on the stage uh i usually what why did i say it like that oh so you're close to the stage right front row um

yeah let's just yeah

yeah i don't now i'm not sure which way to break with this like if i want to

i am sweating oh sorry arnie would you say you've been to a strip club 500 times or a thousand times less less than either of those i would say less than five times

so four okay four yeah let's yeah that's four And they must have been really memorable because of how many details you remember.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

It's burned.

It is.

They're burned on my memory a little bit.

Beanla, what else do you want to do?

This is like your little make-a-wish.

Like anything you want to do, Arnie and I will help facilitate.

Okay, well, I've never seen teeth before.

If you guys would let me go in your mouth for a second, I could check out your teeth.

And that's kind of always something that's on a bean's bucket list because if you see teeth, you don't normally live to tell the tale.

So there's lots of rumors about what teeth are.

Oh, yeah.

We never asked you, Beanla.

Are you sort of like, how do I put this?

Some beans are just like beans.

Like,

they're a bean and then they just kind of stay a bean.

And then some beans you kind of plant and they grow into something.

Are you like a growing bean or are you like a bean bean?

Well, I guess we'll see after I get dead and I'm a corpse and I get buried if I grow into something else.

Yeah.

I guess that's something only you guys will know in a few weeks' time, and I will never know.

Oh my god, I just thought it's the saddest thing in the world.

Ooh, say it, say it.

You're dying tomorrow and you're a triplet.

So?

So that means your sisters are going to die too.

Sarah and I want to say

Megan.

Megan.

Oh, that's a good point, but maybe if my sisters come by tonight, we can all die together.

It doesn't make me feel better.

It's kind of sadder.

Oh, well.

So beans always die exactly those many days?

Yeah, well, what about you guys?

When are you going to die?

Um, that's a heavy question.

Oh, you don't know when you're gonna die?

That's even sadder.

At least, beans know when to celebrate their last day.

You guys are just trundling around like a bunch of buffoons, never knowing if it's the last day or not.

That makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, pity the living.

Wow, what a great perspective.

Are you gonna grow into something after you die?

Um,

uh, I don't think so.

I mean, food for worms.

Oh, so you kind of will turn into like goo and guts and blood and sick like shit with flies?

Yeah, I couldn't put it better myself.

And I'll grow into maybe a tree.

Hmm.

After I die, I'll grow into a legend.

That's why they can't kill me, like Fox Malder.

Oh, a legend for being the best guy at the strip club front row every time?

Yeah, this is going in the book.

Give me a second here.

What now?

That's going in the book.

Legendary strip club attendee, Arnie.

What'd your name be?

Like, Arnie Big Bucks in the Thong?

What's your last name?

I mean, you.

Oh, my last name is Kneekamp.

Kneecap?

Arnie Backroom Kneekamp.

No?

Arnie Lap Dance Kneecap.

My only nickname I ever...

I feel like everywhere I go, my nickname is usually just Tall Guy.

Hey, Tall Guy.

That sounds like a brag.

Yeah, Arnie, you're talking to a bean.

Everyone's tall to me.

Oh, also, here, I don't know if you want to hop on my hand or something.

Sure.

And I'll go ahead and put you in my mouth.

And you can take a a look around.

Whoa!

It's crazy in here.

It smells like butter.

Oh, thank you.

Wait, that's where all the butter went.

Wow, your teeth are so sharp and pointy.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm in the shape of a badger.

Can you take me out of your mouth now?

Yeah,

take me out right now.

I saw something in there.

Oh, Beano.

What did you see?

What did you see?

I don't want to say.

Did you see like your

another

bean.

Oh,

yeah.

It was stuck between two teeth like it meant nothing.

And it was all jumped up and smashed up and its titties were out and everything.

Arnie, I had a chance of salad.

Before the episode, you had a two-bean salad, remember?

Oh, no.

What is wrong with you?

You're disgusting.

You're a freak.

No, you have to understand, Bean left

to us, you're food.

Does that make sense?

But didn't the beans try to talk to you before you ate them?

Didn't they try to tell you the story of their people?

I don't think so.

If they

did, I didn't hear it.

You eat so fast, that's probably I eat so fast, yeah.

Because I'm, you know, I'm uh I'm a badger in the shape of a badger.

Well, I would like you to give a little eulogy for those beans that you so carelessly crushed in your cranky chompers.

Okay,

did you see any sort of name tag or anything on these beans?

No, I didn't see a name tag on the beans.

Okay, let's all.

What a ridiculous question.

I don't know.

Okay, let's all um let's all bow our heads or just not even bow them, just like kind of tuck your chinda.

Well, I just hope these beans weren't named Megan and Sarah.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to celebrate the lives of two beans who gave their life

for lunch.

These beans, I want to say, were named

Bean Bingula.

Arnie, sort of like Angela, but with beans.

Is that good?

Okay.

Bingula.

A little close to beanla for my taste, but yeah.

Fuck.

I knew I'd heard it before.

Rubinha.

Is that like Rubina?

I like it.

Rubinha.

We're here to celebrate the lives of Rubinha and

Bean Angela?

Bean Angela.

Rubina and Binangela.

Beana?

What was it?

Like bean, like Tina, Bina.

Arnie, eat your own beans, and then you can give a eulogy.

No, don't eat any more beans.

Okay.

Okay.

Um, what

good beans?

What good beans?

And what joy they brought to Chunt

and

whoever made the salad?

Amen.

Now you may sing the bean funeral song.

Beans, beans, beans.

Beans, beans, beans, beans.

That's the holiday.

Oh.

Yeah, too sexy.

Too sexy of a song for

bean beans.

dead beans.

Everybody hates dead beans.

Amen.

Thank you.

That was a beautiful and touching tribute.

Yeah.

A bean.

Do you say amen or a bean?

You said amen.

I said,

I was about to say a many beans.

That is a many beans.

A many beans to you as well.

And many beans to you.

Are you related to Garbonzo Beans?

Well, he's famous for his magic tricks, right?

Oh, the amazing Garbanzo.

Yes.

Wow.

I heard a tale that he's like, you know, in our lineage somewhere up the bean tree, but I've never actually met him.

Have you met him?

I don't think so.

There's a bean tree?

Yeah, like bean family tree.

Like Garbanzo, Lila, Kidney, like all the different families.

Yeah.

Who's like riding high on the horse in the bean sphere?

Who's like

king shit of beans?

Well, you know, Sabina Carpenter is doing really good right now.

now.

I've heard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And would you say, like, Howard Bean is probably on the bottom rung because of his scream?

Um, that's true.

Yeah, he's on the bottom.

Beanie Eilish is doing good.

Oh, Beanie Eilish.

Such a baggy shell.

Joe Beenden, he's the president right now.

Joe Benden?

He's the president.

For how much longer?

I think, well, he's...

42, so I think one more day.

Okay.

Not much longer if Bean Kane has anything to say about it.

Exactly.

So you do read the Bean Scrolls.

Okay, I've...

Why were you acting like you didn't read the Bean Scrolls?

Because

it's embarrassing to read bean news.

Like, who reads?

Who reads the screen?

Why?

Because we're little and we're shaped like beans?

I mean, yeah.

I take offense to that.

Why?

Arnie, get control over your pet.

Oh, whoa.

Don't make me put that muzzle back on you, Chunt.

Arnie, we're cousins.

I'm not your pet.

Oh, that's fair.

Arnie, I bet you're a good civilized guy who doesn't eat beans.

You're just the kind of guy who's so nice.

You don't eat beans.

You just spend all your time at the strip club.

Uh, sure.

Yeah.

I like you, Arnie.

I like you, Beana.

Bean, Beanla.

Arnie, I saw you eat 20 bowls of chili yesterday.

So, what's chili?

Chili, it's just like a, I don't know, it's got all kinds of stuff in chili.

Imagine a swimming pool.

Now pack that swimming pool with as many beans as will fit.

Now boil them alive.

Oh my god.

Add ground beef.

Nutmeg, cinnamon, and a secret ingredient that I'll never tell.

I like how you were horrified, but then when you heard ground beef, you're like, oh, beans love beef.

If there's anything a bean can never say no to, it's beef.

And is the secret ingredient corn?

Um,

can be.

Shit.

Yeah, it is.

I knew it.

That sounds yummy, minus the beans.

What do you guys want to do next for my last day on earth?

Like slumber party games?

Let's do slumber party games, but also, Bingla, can we...

that's not my name so i'm so sorry bean la

beanla binjala is the dead girl you crushed to death in case you forgot i'm so sorry um being law before we play some sleepover games can we watch you eat a bite of chili your first bite of chili well i'm not gonna have chili with beans in it if that's what you mean we'll see

will you eat beef will you eat i want to see bean eat beef bean okay how about this

beef very catchy i'll do it on one condition and i'll even eat chili with the beans in it because i don't mind being accountable for my last couple hours alive if you'll do the same.

And I want you to eat Arnie's little toe.

What?

Deal.

Nice.

Shake on it.

A bean shake can never go back.

Ha ha ha.

Okay, you go first.

Beanshakes are binding?

Arnie, get your little toes out.

Arnie, get your little toes out.

Chen's gonna eat one off.

Hey, Arnie.

Yeah.

I'll do it under the table, and I won't eat it.

I'll just suck on it.

Something you guys should know about your voices is that for me, it's so loud no matter what.

Yeah.

Why'd you tell us to scream at you or whatever?

What?

Earlier, you're like,

don't be so quiet.

Scream around me or whatever you said.

No, I know, but I'm just saying, even when you whisper, I can hear it.

So when you said, put your toe under the table, I'll just suck it.

And which was weird and horny, by the way.

And I think Arnie might like it, but that's not what we're asking for.

I'm asking you to chomp off his toe.

If you want me to eat beans, it's only fair.

How about we switch?

I'll eat chili, you eat Arnie's toe.

Okay, give me that toe, Arnie.

Yum, yum, yum, yummy.

Ever had a bean eat your toe?

Oh, I'm so little.

I'm climbing down the stool.

The stool.

Oh,

untying your shoes.

I'm getting in.

Oh, God.

Watching, document all of this.

Ever had a bean eat your toe?

Arnie was writhing and screaming.

It really tickles.

It really tickles.

I took a bite, but it's probably so small you won't notice, but it tastes really good.

Oh, really?

Like, what would you compare my the taste of me to?

It's kind of like turkey meat.

Okay.

Have you ever had boiled turkey?

Boiled turkey.

I don't know if I've had boiled turkey.

Oh, you've got to try boiled turkey.

You get a turkey and you snap its neck off and you put it underwater in a pool and then you get the pool really hot by a sun and then you put fire in the pool and when the bubbles come up, the turkey's boiled.

And then you eat him and he's all sloppy and wet.

And that's what your toe tastes like.

I thought this dare was to see you eat your first piece of meat.

It sounds like you've killed and eaten quite a lot of turkeys, which makes you pretty hypocritical of yelling at me for eating another bean.

Yeah, but beans are meat to me, and turkeys are beans to me.

Don't you get that?

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Sorry.

Yeah, so that's like something about you: you're so slow to understand the bean universe.

It's kind of crazy.

Like, you guys have been alive so much longer than me, but you don't understand bean newspaper, you don't understand bean diet, nothing.

Yeah, well, you're redone.

Get bean stuff, I guess.

Get bean stuff.

Well, beans are so small,

when the brain sends, you know, a signal to the rest of the bean, it's a shorter path, right?

Um, when the the bean springs and

help me out.

Yeah, I don't know.

Bean less, sometimes the chen says something, just kind of just go, just kind of lightly chuckle, and then we can go on to the next thing.

Okay, let's go into the next thing.

For my last year on Earth, I want to play Somer Party game with the boys.

No, what chuckle?

I want to play Truth or Dare.

Okay.

And this is like, this is like real truth or dare, or this is like a bean version of Truth or Dare.

It's a bean version.

Yeah.

Which means if you do it wrong, something bad happens to you, but I can't tell you what it is yet.

All right, well, let's take a break.

Um, we'll get some drinks and sort of uh

um, I don't know, some liquid courage.

Arnie, do you want to please get me a little bottle cap of vodka?

Okay, okay, yeah, a little bottle cap of vodka.

Arnie, you want the same?

Uh, yeah, I'll also have a bottle cap of vodka, please.

I'll do a bottle, okay.

Three,

vodka.

All right, I'll be right back, and we'll be right back with more Beanla.

Bean night, bean night, bean night,

Okay, Beanla.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Truth.

A bean always picks truth.

Okay.

Okay.

What is...

Oh, Arnie, I think this is a good one.

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Oh, no, don't make me say.

No, you have to, or else something bad will happen to you.

I'm having fun with you guys.

Oh, we're having fun with you, Bean.

I'm having fun beanla my most embarrassing moment is that when i was a little bean uh there was a uh

well i was going to the hot tub because there's a bean hot tub in the garden which is like a little puddle which is filled with dirt and it has a geyser in the bottom and a natural hot spring so it's kind of warm but it's made of mud and so if you get in you get really muddy and you get covered in dirt and so i went in the hot tub and I got covered in mud.

And so for a second, I was like a kidney bean because I was really like dark.

And then someone thought that

I had pooped myself, but it was just mud from the hot tub.

And everyone said, Beanla, Beanla, shit herself.

Bean La Beanla, worth nothing.

Bean La Beanla, lock her up.

Bean La Beanla, kill her.

Oh, gosh.

That escalated.

Each lyric really escalates.

That's kind of an old nursery rhyme from the Bean books.

Shit herself, lock her up, kill her.

Yeah.

Are you sure you weren't raised in a cult?

Um, no, but we just, in, you know, where the hot tub is, we go and we, we we have this thing where we say Christ is king.

Have you ever heard of that?

Oh, no.

Arnie, we stumbled upon a religious being.

Oh, no, I really preferred shit or self-locker.

I'll kill her.

No, I, I, I, I, I'm not religious.

I just know that Christ is king and that he has cleansed me of my sins and that he is sovereign and where two or more are gathered, he, his presence is there.

You guys know Christ is king, right?

Jazzos Christ?

Is this, um, is Christ, uh, from what I've read, which was in the bean newspaper, I'll admit it.

You're obsessed with us.

5,000 years ago, Arnie, there was a crystal that broke in half in the bean world.

Um, one half they named Christ or Christ, and the other half was named tall.

I guess it's like splitting the word crystal down the middle, but one has several letters and one has three.

And half the bean kingdom worships one half, and half the bean kingdom worships the other.

It's a real weird situation.

We, well, most of us worship Beans as Christ.

And he, and Beans is king.

And so, in my family, where I am, if you reach a certain age, you get dunked in the hot tub, and then you know that beans is Christ lives in your spirit, and you turn into a dove and you go to bean heaven, which is um beans'

big boiling pot of goo, where you get boiled up and you get eaten.

And if you're lucky, you get shitted out by beans, and you get to go back to the earth and be reborn.

You guys know the stuff, sure,

yeah,

anyways.

Arnie, truth or dare.

Oh, uh hahaha.

Uh dare.

I dare you to accept Beansus into your heart.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, damn.

Oh, damn it.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

Just repeat after me.

I.

Okay.

I.

Arnie.

Arnie.

I'm the littlest, cutest child of Beans' Christ.

I'm the littlest, cutest child of Benzus Christ.

Arnie, no.

And kill me, kill me, kill me, dead if I don't accept him into my head.

Say it.

And kill me, kill me, kill me, dead if I accept him into my head.

No, if I don't accept him into my head.

I'm sorry, I already did it.

Oh, no, I did the opposite one.

Okay.

Arnie, it's your turn.

Don't invite Beans' Christ into your heart or your head.

They can only come.

The beings is Christ can only come into your heart or head if you invite him in.

But once he's inside,

stop talking.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

dare,

um,

Arnie, do you want to give him one?

Oh, sure.

Um, hmm, let's see.

I'm trying to think of something really.

Try to suck your own penis.

Oh, all right.

I like being like, okay.

Well, this is not really fair because I'm a shapeshifter.

That's my true form.

So let me...

So you could turn your mouth into your penis and your penis into your mouth?

What the fuck?

I never even thought about that.

I usually just elongate my penis until it goes in my mouth.

I could swap

my penis on my mouth.

Now you're in the same kind of pickle because now your penis is on your face, but your mouth is on your crotch.

It's just as difficult to reach.

Wow, boy.

This is a

okay.

Next.

My turn again.

By the way, if any of our listeners want to do any fan art of this,

please make sure to share it with us on social media.

And that fan art will go in the book.

I would love to see some art of Beans' Christ.

Although it is a sin to draw him, I wouldn't mind to see.

Beana, while you do your next round, do you mind if I do your makeup?

makeup what

oh

sorry i thought

i thought we were all just i thought we were all having fun hanging out uh you said like i really like you guys i was like oh maybe i could do her um her makeup but that's no i you were thinking because it's bean night that that's something that we do bean night bean night bean night okay you can do my makeup oh great that turned around are you gonna give me a makeover well i'm I'm mostly just going to draw a face on you because I don't really see one.

That will be awesome for the open casket.

Promise you guys will give me an open casket so everyone will see how cute I look.

Sure.

Should we not eat you after you're dead?

You want to eat me after I'm dead?

Should we not?

I'm asking.

No, you should biggering me to see if I grow into something, Bernie.

Oh, I see.

What are you likely to grow into?

Do you have any idea?

I hope.

Legend has it that a bean grows into another bean tree and makes an army of little beans.

Hmm.

I just want to make sure we have this right to honor you.

When you die and you have an open casket funeral, do we leave the casket open so that soil and water can get into you so you grow?

Or do we shut the casket and trust that you'll grow through it?

Um, that's a good question.

Open casket, I think, would be nice considering you're going to do my makeup and all.

Yes, okay, good.

And do you have like a shell that you want to wear

for a slight pick out for you?

I think I'm going to go shell-less because I already took my shell off in my erotic dance, so I'll just go nipples out.

Okay, nipple, okay, nipples out.

Are you writing this down?

Yeah, but sorry, this is, I know it's the same pages for the book, but this is just like funeral notes.

Oh, it's like my last will and testabine?

This is your last will and testabine.

Did you do you have any do you do you want to leave your

coin wagon to anyone?

Oh, um, I guess my sisters, if they're still alive, Megan and Sarah, actually, can I just leave them to Megan?

Because Sarah's kind of a bitch.

Well, I think they're both dying, so that's fine.

And if you and if you find out they're both dead, then I guess I'll give one of my coins to my best friend Arnie and the other one to my best friend Chund.

Oh

best friend?

Can I tell you guys a secret?

Sure.

Of course.

We're best friends.

You can tell us friends.

You're actually my only friends.

Bean la.

I never really had any.

I mean, I hung out with my sisters, but they're so much more beautiful than me.

You know, there's like, they have hair and stuff.

And so everyone would always go, who are those girls la la la la la la la la bin la la la la la and they would just ignore me and so

well maybe falling out of that pocket that one day was the best thing that ever happened to me come here to the tavern find find you guys

crying maybe you've just spent your life surrounded by the wrong people you know like you seem delightful maybe you're not an exciting being but already you're a great drunk just like us thanks I am feeling kind of drunk.

Let's all raise our bottle caps.

Here, Bina.

I got it.

I got it.

Beenla, I got it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

To Beanla, a dream bean.

Thanks, guys.

Alright.

Oh, just kind of dumped that on you.

Sorry.

Hope you got some.

Whoa.

I'm fucked up, you guys.

You guys wanted to

stripper dance?

Arnie, you strip now.

You come on, Arnie.

I'll sing the song.

Arnie Man.

Okay.

You got the toes of a barbecue can.

Arnie Man.

This is so funny, you guys.

I'm so loaded.

Arnie, Shan, Shan, I'm worried about Beanla.

And I, Arnie, the exact opposite.

I want to do a whole Patreon episode that's just Binla sings the hits.

60 minutes straight of Binla singing little bean songs.

Doobi-doo.

The beans are back in town.

The beans are back in town.

Oh, Binla.

Oh, oh, my gosh.

Beanla, after you drank your second shot of vodka there, a little sprout came out of the top of your head.

Is that bad?

Is that good?

What?

That means the end is near.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Quick, Beanla.

Truth of Dare.

Dare.

I dare you to not die.

Is that Arnie?

Is that weird?

No, that's that's perfect.

A bean can never not do the truth or dare.

Uh,

dare me to not die.

I

won't.

I won't die.

I'm feeling stronger, and my bean sprout is

growing.

I'm feeling amazing.

I'm part of growing into a bean tree.

I'm still alive.

Take her outside.

Take her outside.

Arnie, take her outside.

Take her outside.

Here, come on.

Bean Bean Law.

Should we plant you here outside the tavern?

Ooh, quick, my crotch is out.

Put me in the dirt.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

I've heard that before.

Arnie, why don't you sit down like you're going to get a lap dance?

No, no, no, no reason.

Oh, pack the dirt in nice and tight.

Ooh, it feels so good.

I feel planted.

Oh, Bean La.

Bean La.

I'm alive with the sunshine's on my face.

I feel incredible.

Oh, you're a beautiful little bean tree in the making.

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, so I'm

already back.

What the heck?

No, this is bean night.

No, no, no, it's not.

It's crazy.

It's like you take one check.

You're like one second, you're a dying bean, and like a guy will swoop in and be like, you're a beautiful bean tree.

It's like, dude, I literally already have a boyfriend, and I'm already literally dying and becoming a tree.

You know what I mean?

I'm sorry about him.

Beanla, is your boyfriend whose pocket you fell out of?

Yeah.

Were you in there doing some nasty stuff?

Nasty bins?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He caught me.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

With your sisters?

Well, my sisters were in the other pocket.

Oh, okay.

And they have no idea that, like, he always puts me in the pocket with the hole in it, you know what I mean?

Oh.

So I can get up to no good.

Sorry, your sisters weren't in the same pocket, Arnie.

Sorry to not fulfill your little mental fantasy.

Oh, yeah.

I guess you wanted me and my bean sisters to have bean little pillowcases we were bean throwing at each other in our bean pajamas, huh?

Is that what you want, Arnie?

So you could be front stage and give us your paper money you talk so much about?

Fucking beanvert.

Oh, I wish you'd fucking died, Beanla.

oh wait beingla's still growing and look arnie look what her petals are dripping vodka she's like a vodka tree i'm a vodka tree and i'm getting really tall

is beautiful now that you disrespected me when i was little i'll teach you a lesson not you chunt but you arnie she white me

hey arnie just back up ten feet i think you're good okay yeah yeah oh come back.

I can't reach you.

I can't reach you.

Well.

Well.

Alright, Beanla, you stay sweet.

Yep.

Oh, hey, where are you guys going?

What the hell?

We're going to go back in the tavern and

finish that round of truth or dare.

Oh, we love you.

Are they...

Hmm.

Okay.

They're not ours, are they?

Like, Like, we're not daughters.

Okay, Arnie, I want to take this one.

Hi there, little bean.

What's your name?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

I want to get up on the bar stool, but I can't reach.

Oh, yeah, Arnie, let's get back in the tavern.

Put this one on the barstool.

There you go.

Hi.

Thank you.

What are you?

I'm a bean.

It's my last day on Earth.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

We already did this.

Arnie, the cycle's starting all over again, but now they're.

I'm going to do a strip for you.

Oh, yeah.

I guess so.

I want to hear this song.

Do I want a one-day-year-old bean the strip for me?

Yeah,

I guess so.

Arnie, didn't you say those are huge on earth?

Listeners, when you're asked if you want a one-day-old bean to strip for you, maybe run the whole situation past someone you trust.

Pro tip, not anyone involved with this podcast.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Beanla the Talking Bean was played by special guest Lisa Gilroy.

Watch Lisa on the buzzy new Hulu series Interior Chinatown.

Oh, and Hello from the Magic Tavern is returning to San Francisco Sketch for a live show on Sunday, January 19th at Club Fugazi.

Tickets available now.

Link in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Kiva Mitrea, Nick Rentz, parentheses.

Ironically, my parents are landlords.

I heard a lot about it in high school.

Don't worry.

Close parentheses.

Uh, I rarely worry about anything, Nick.

Just curious, did the teasing usually happen around the uh first of the month?

Did the teasing increase slightly each year, motivated only by pure greed?

Was the teasing unsustainable for many in our modern unforgiving economy?

I could go on, Nick.

Don't worry.

Back to subscriber names.

Shuttle, Brian Manissus, who says, love you guys, even Arnie, with two exclamation points and a rolling-on-the-floor laugh-crying emoji.

Brian, you're coming at us with a lot all at once.

Kennedy Boucher, Countess of Condiments.

I destroyed you in that duel.

Back so soon, Kennedy?

And finally, Bryson S.

Poole.

No added comment, and therefore my favorite supporter today.

Patrons, mostly Bryson, get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, The Shadow City Season 3 Premiere with DM Anthony Birch.

I'd like to flip a coin

to do the flashback flash forward thing.

Uh-huh.

Anthony, how fun is it when we're constantly trying to solve the very premise that you're trying to set up?

Honestly,

this is not my first rodeo.

I know how people fuck with the system.

So

I like to think I'm ready for you.

I never am fully.

Heads.

Heads.

Okay, great.

So go ahead and narrate a flashback that is beneficial to you in some way.

And as long as it's not completely out of the bonker's shithouse, I will allow it.

Do we know roughly what current year it is in Shadow City?

Yes, it is 1959.

Where did I get this cell phone?

I would like to see if approximately 21 years ago, I apply

to become a theoretical physicist at college.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.